Edtv (1999) - full transcript

A video store clerk agrees to have his life filmed by a camera crew for a television show.

Since its debut,

True TV has brought you

the finest in documentary

and informational programming.

You've counted on us,

and we've taken you there.

From the edge of the world

to the edge of your seat,

from the streets of LA

to the Serengeti Plain,

from inner peace

to outer space,

your funniest moments

and most tragic times.

You've laughed, you've cried,

you've almost died.

But now we'll take you where

you've never been before.

No script, no actors,

no editing.

All day, all night, all true.

Every second is true

on True TV!

This spring.

So, any questions?

- Yes.

- Okay.

I think we get

that it's true,

but what is it?

Cynthia,

why don't you come up here.

This is your moment.

Folks, this is

Cynthia Topping,

she's the program director

at True TV.

She's the one that's gonna be

strapped to a Scud missile

if this idea doesn't work.

Thank you, Mr. Whitaker.

I've always wanted to travel.

The missile. Yes?

Isn't this show similar

to a show that PBS had on

in the '70s, the Loud Family?

No, this is

completely different.

We're gonna pick

one person,

one normal person, uh,

not like you folks.

And we're gonna put that

person's life on television

all day long, uh, live.

It's not PBS,

it's not Real World.

We're not gonna film it

and then edit it later.

Is that how I sound?

I don't sound like that, do I?

More or less.

On a good day.

You never said anything?

Look, I don't mean

to be negative here.

Ooh!

Hey!

Now, I know this was

your idea and all,

but doesn't this have, like,

a great chance of being...

A big, smelly bomb?

Oh, you betcha. Yeah.

And wouldn't that be,

you know, a bad thing?

Keith, we're getting

our butts kicked by

the Gardening Channel.

People would

rather watch soil.

I mean, we are this close

to having chalk outlines

around our careers.

I love that we're doing this,

and I love that it's risky.

All anyone ever does

in this business

is follow the pack.

I mean, hell,

if people tune into this

twice a day

for five minutes,

we're a hit.

And you know what

finally convinced me

that this could work?

Half a dozen

wine coolers?

It's when I realized that

the person we pick,

the guy that's on

TV all day long, doesn't

even have to be good.

I mean, if he's good,

great, but if he's bad,

even better.

Bad is better?

People can't turn away

from an accident.

You know, you drive by

and you say,

"Ooh, I hope there's not

a head in the road.

That would be..."

But then you look.

You don't want to miss it.

So we put a guy on TV,

and we just sit and wait,

and see if that head

starts rolling down

the highway.

Now, that's fun

for the whole family.

So, what's

our next step?

Yeah,

I'd love to know that.

We find ourselves

a big, fat, rolling head.

Are you seeing this?

Are you looking around you?

Are you...

God,

you know what this is?

Oh! This is

a horror show.

What are you going off

about now, John boy?

You know what.

This doesn't bug you?

All our friends

and everybody

getting married

and they're having kids

and their careers.

And their kids

are having careers.

It's a mess.

Why would that

bug me, man?

I mean, look at us, right?

We are doing fine.

Oh.

Okay. You have a beer

around your neck.

- That's my point!

- Hey, there's Ray!

Your brother's here.

Go long, man.

I'm gonna go over

and say hi to Kim.

Oh, hey, yeah, listen.

That was great tonight.

I loved it.

Oh, man.

What's going on, man?

I'm telling you,

it's weird.

It's like, we meet,

we go out

a couple of times

and then, bing bang boom,

she's got me meeting

her parents.

What do you mean

"bing bang boom"?

Buddy, you've been going out

with her for six months.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I suddenly feel

like the walls are

closing in on me.

You know... The father is

sitting there asking me

about my career prospects.

Can you believe that?

Oh! At dinner,

the dog is sniffing

my balls.

I mean, at least I hope

it was the dog,

because

her mother disappeared

for a while.

Hey, what's going on

over there?

They're doing audition tapes

for that True TV thing.

People are sending them in

from all over the place.

Oh, yeah?

That's cool!

What's cool?

To be that guy, that guy

they watch all day.

Get out of here.

Hey, I'm telling you.

Mark my words.

That guy is going

to be famous.

He'll be able to get

whatever he wants,

whoever he wants.

Hey. Trust me.

This is my business.

What is?

Show business.

Oh, you're in

show business now?

Yeah, I service

video equipment.

That's like saying

the people stitching Nikes

in Panama are in the NBA.

Hello.

Bed wetter.

Thumb sucker.

Hey, you know what?

I'm going to go

make a tape.

You know what?

I'm excited.

All right, so...

I know that

I can do this.

It's my turn.

I'm next.

Hey, Buzz,

can I get one more?

You got it.

Hello, there.

Hey.

So Ray met

the family, huh?

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

I heard the dog

really liked him.

Yeah.

Oh, the whole family

loved him.

Of course,

my whole family really loved

the last guy I went out with

and he strung me

along for a year

and then dumped me.

Yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

And, you know, every guy

I ever broke up with,

the minute it's over,

I could tell you

what went wrong.

How it went wrong,

why it had to go wrong.

But when I'm in it,

lost.

I'm like a love coroner!

You know, bring me

the corpse, I'll tell you

what killed it.

But how to prevent it?

Lost.

Hey, y'all!

I'm Ray Pekurny!

I'm from right here

in San Francisco,

the greatest city

in the world.

Yeah!

Are you with me?

Go Niners!

Yeah!

Okay. I want

to introduce you

to my girlfriend.

She's really cute,

she's really cool...

No!

...and she's really strong.

She's a UPS person, you know.

She lifts packages.

Not beefy or anything.

She told me this joke.

"What do you get when

you cross UPS with FedEx?

"Fed up!"

It's her joke.

Oh, my brother.

Ed, yeah, come on.

Come on,

say something, Ed.

Asshole.

Come on, man.

Say something.

All right. Um...

I don't know about this

whole 24-hour TV thing

you all got going,

but if you're gonna go

forward with it,

this is your man.

Smart man. That's it.

The Ray-man here.

This guy's got stories.

This guy has lived.

I've got stories.

I've lived!

Tell them about

that dog-grooming

business you started.

No, no, no. Not here.

No, you gotta

tell them about that.

I don't really want to.

Ray, tell them.

All right, I'm telling,

I'm telling. Here we go.

This guy?

Yeah,

take a look at this kid.

...was gonna start up

a mobile

dog-grooming business.

He's cute.

Really?

Yes.

He doesn't want to be

like everybody else.

No.

He doesn't start it in

a van or a pickup truck

or something like that.

No, the Ray-man,

he starts it in a Camry!

Camry! Camry!

Camry!

So, he gets a tub, right?

He puts it in the trunk.

He throws the dogs in the tub,

slams the trunk shut,

starts driving around.

Speeds up,

stops real quick,

turns left hard,

turns right hard to get

the dogs all sudded up, right?

Pretty smart, right?

Now, guess how he dries

them off. Guess.

With the exhaust!

What do you say,

I mean,

we bring him in?

We just...

It can't hurt.

Just talk to him.

Well...

I'm from East Texas.

Yep. And, uh,

when I was, like, 13,

my mom got remarried

to my stepfather who was

a traveling salesman.

He got transferred up here

to San Francisco,

so, you know,

we all came along.

- Here we are, here I am.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Terrific.

- Yep.

And did you go

to college or...

I had a year at

junior college.

Home of the Bear Cats.

Oh! Scary.

What did you study?

Studying? Um...

Jeez, that'd have

been a big help.

That really would have.

Where were you then?

That's cute.

Straight ahead.

What? Oh, yeah.

And as you see,

I can get rid of the Texas

accent whenever I want.

Or I can just slide

real deep on into it

like this.

How do you decide?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I find that, uh,

this accent here don't do me

no harm with the ladies.

Know what I mean, darlin'?

Yep.

No, never been

married. Um...

I've been burned

a couple times, though.

My father?

Um...

Let's see. When I was 12,

my mom got a hysterectomy.

He ran off with her nurse,

and I haven't seen him since.

That's my dad,

Hank Pekurny.

Next question?

Uh, like, one time I was

playing pee-wee football

back in Texas, right,

and I dislocated my finger.

Mom comes rolling out

of the bleachers down,

busts through

this little group of kids,

grabs my finger...

Pops it back into place.

Runs up, slaps the coach

upside the head

and says,

"Let's get the game on!"

That's Mom.

And I still can't really

bend this finger, though.

Oh... A dream?

Oh, yeah, man,

I got a dream. I, uh...

I just don't know

what it is yet, you know.

Did you test him?

Did you do any research?

Research?

We don't even have

money in our budget

for coffee filters.

We're using a yarmulke.

But this is

who you want?

I'm going based on

something you once said

at a broadcaster's dinner.

I love it! I love it!

You see what she does?

See what she does?

She attaches me

to her choice.

Thereby fueling

my massive ego and

forcing me to like it.

You're great!

How come you never

doodle my name?

I do.

I'm joking. Joking.

Once again.

This is the guy

you want to go with?

Yes.

What happens when

you go to the bathroom?

Do they go in with you?

No, Al, the bathroom's

out of bounds.

Okay, dinner's

getting cold!

You know, my life is not

so great that I want it

shown on television.

And neither

is yours, Ed.

That's the whole point.

This could change

all of that.

How?

Oh! Oh!

I'm glad you asked.

I want to open a gym.

A gymnasium?

No, a gym. A gymnasium is

an old, white guy shooting

free throws like this.

I'm talking

a modern-day

fitness center.

What does it have

to do with Ed?

Well,

if Ed is on TV for a month,

he gets a balloon payment.

That's big money.

Right. I borrow

against that right now

at the bank, I buy the gym,

I make Ed a silent partner,

and I cut all you in

for a slice because

you signed the releases.

This is gonna cost us.

It's not gonna cost...

Hey, look.

Open your eyes instead

of your mouth for once.

This is a no-brainer.

The whole time

I'm gonna be promoting

the gym on TV.

It's free advertising.

I mean, does

anyone else see this?

How about sex?

Sorry, Al,

but I'm gonna

have to pass.

And it's not an age thing,

'cause you are still

a handsome man.

No!

Do they show you

having sex?

No, Al. Look,

kissing and hugging.

Nudity?

Ed, you're not

gonna be nude.

Why would I be nude, Mom?

What kind of a show is this?

It's a filthy show!

It is not

a filthy show.

Have you even read

the whole contract?

Do you even know

what's in it?

Oh,

little Miss Cautious

all of a sudden.

She meets a guy in a bar,

she's married an hour later.

We didn't get married,

we just thought

we were married.

Marcia,

calm down, honey.

Well, he's picking at me

and he's bringing up

all kinds of issues.

Listen, married is married.

You know, maybe

this isn't a good idea.

- What isn't?

- All of it.

I mean,

the whole thing,

you know.

Maybe I'll just

get out now before

it gets complicated.

You know,

no harm, no foul.

Oh, great.

They had to pick you.

They couldn't pick me.

Well, if he doesn't

want to do it

"If he doesn't

want to do it"?

He's 31 years old,

he's a video-store clerk!

What is his grand

masterplan here, huh?

What, is he gonna

spend the rest of his life

rearranging Ernest movies?

I mean, everyone

who works there

is 12 years old.

They go through college,

they graduate,

and then they stop

working there.

Except for him!

He stays to welcome

the next batch

of 12-year-olds.

I mean, if you ask me,

it's a job for retards!

Ray, stop that!

- Was I being insulting?

- Uh-huh.

Yeah, kind of.

As usual.

I mean,

a fellow can't...

All right,

all right.

Look, look.

Hey.

You don't have

to be scared.

I'm not scared.

Don't be scared.

I'm not scared.

I'm not scared.

You're scared, man.

I am not scared, Ray.

You got that

doe-in-the-headlights look.

You're mixing your

proteins and starches

and you can't...

Look, I'll tell you what.

You don't have to

worry about anything.

You know why?

Huh?

No, why?

Because big brother's

riding shotgun, man.

I've got your back.

Now, did anything

ever happen to you

when you were a kid?

Anyone ever bother you?

Just you.

Just me.

You bring those cameras

over to big brother

and I promise you,

I will make something happen

for both of us, for all of us!

And, you know,

how many chances do guys

like you and I get?

I don't know.

Yeah, that's right,

you don't know.

Guys, when am I gonna

get my on-air feed?

All I'm getting

are color bars.

Mike, loosen up

just a little bit.

Stand by

to lose laser.

Good.

TOC.

We're ready to feed.

Carlos, now show me

where you're gonna be

when we go live.

There you go, right there.

Go back up a little bit.

Okay, right there.

All right, guys,

we're gonna go in ten, nine...

Is it starting?

Hey.

Hey.

Four,

three,

two,

and ready one,

take one.

There he is!

Not the best angle.

This is exciting.

Oh, my God,

is that what I think it is?

I think so.

A little morning chubby.

Damn it.

Oh, no.

Oh, honey.

Don't do that.

Pull it out.

Pull it out.

Well, that's

embarrassing.

Good morning.

Microphone.

Mmm-hmm.

Microphone.

Turn on the TV.

Good morning.

I'm Ed.

There's that smile!

Ow, ow, ow!

- Hot!

- An action sequence.

I kind of pieced

this stereo together.

You know, kind of

a homemade job.

This is my wall of chrome.

I've been collecting

those since, like, 1973.

Shit.

Oh, wow!

What'd I miss?

He's, uh, checking

out his own ass.

You gotta see this.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Hey!

Come on, man,

hop in.

Let's go!

Whoa!

All right.

The mast is down.

Let's go, Sam, let's go!

Hey, Ed!

Ed, up here!

Guys, film me.

Yeah, hi!

Ed, up here! Yeah!

Ah!

Hey!

Act like

everything is normal.

Go. Go.

What's up, man?

Guys.

Welcome to work, Ed.

It's good to be

at work, Lou.

I got just

what you need

right here, boys.

The best tape in

the whole damn store.

Smokey and the Bandit.

Huh!

Who's in that?

Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr.

is in that, boys.

Burton Leon

Reynolds, Jr.?

Who?

Get out.

You can't have

this tape. Go home!

Get your raggedy little

Steven Seagal-loving

asses out of here.

"Who's in this?"

Burt Reynolds!

Burt.

Burt rules.

Alice,

why are we watching this?

No reason. I just want

to see what happens.

Well, let me spare

you the suspense, okay?

Absolutely nothing's

gonna happen, all right?

Trust me on this.

Yeah.

Which one of these albums

would you recommend?

You gotta go

with that. Yeah.

Ah! That's a good

choice right there.

I think he's cute.

No, no, no.

You look at

your husband, okay?

Get.

I'm gonna make you say

my name tonight, woman.

You know, most people

like to hurry through

a toenail clipping session.

You know, just clip

and git, you know.

Not me. Uh-huh.

I like to take my time.

I'm meticulous,

you know.

I like to do it.

Yeah.

You know, if this guy

collects his toe cheese,

I'm out of here.

...then head down

to the little toe.

That ain't me.

I save the big one...

For last.

'Cause it's bigger,

you know.

You gotta do some work.

You gotta be an artiste.

Look at that.

Oh!

No. No, I haven't seen

the spot ratings.

You know how you're

watching the big game

and you gotta do

your business?

Yeah. Well, that's

a number that, you know,

we'll hopefully build from.

I don't have to anymore.

Check that out.

I designed this.

No, I disagree.

No, I don't think it's

time to pull the plug.

Can you back up to

your right a little bit?

Yes, Mr. Whitaker,

I know they shoot horses.

What do you see?

What is that?

That is the TV.

And where am I?

I am on the can.

At the same time,

I am on the can, but

yet I am still a fan.

But you know what,

it's been one day, okay?

Can you give me

a week with this guy,

and then you fly up

my nose? Hello?

Somebody smart said,

"Practicality wins out."

So, in this bathroom,

I'm a winner.

Yeah.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Come on, Ray,

she's not that heavy.

You shifted

your weight.

I'm not hurt.

I'm not hurt.

I'm okay.

Ray's Gym!

Now accepting applications!

We want your body! Ray's!

Look what he did for me. Huh?

All right.

What do you like about it?

I don't understand.

I don't know.

It's just that

it's... Well...

Just let me watch.

Okay, you're gonna love this.

This is a great story.

I got a great story, okay?

You remember Marcia?

Of course you remember

Marcia. She's our sister.

No, you know,

she's going out

with this new guy.

They're living together.

Ray, you want to save

this till later, man?

No, now's

the perfect time.

He's a singer

in a piano bar.

Sings, plays the piano,

and that's how they met.

He sang to her,

they fell in love.

Not even, Buzz. No, no.

Get this. Some drunk

hit him in the head

with a snifter.

You know, one of

those things they keep

on the bar for tips.

You don't know, Buzz,

'cause you never get

any tips.

But he hit him over the head

'cause he's terrible,

he's wretched,

he's awful,

he's dreadful, he sucks.

I'm telling you, right?

So that's what happened.

She's pulling out

a chunk of glass

out of his skull,

and he bleeds on her,

and that's all she needs!

Bing! It's amour, right?

The question

I'm asking is,

"What's she doing in a bar

in the first place?"

She's an alcoholic,

for Christ's sakes.

No. No, no, Ray.

Ray, buddy, not here.

Come on now.

I gotta pee.

I gotta pee.

Hey, what are you,

hiding from the police

or something?

Come on, show yourself.

Look, is she beautiful?

She's beautiful, right?

That's my girl.

Listen.

While I'm gone, Ed,

tell 'em about that time

that we lied to Mom,

and then we went down

to Tijuana to find

the donkey show.

I got her.

I got her.

You are, though.

What?

Beautiful.

Thank you.

Hey, man.

You're welcome.

Yeah, buddy?

I'm taking a poll

on whether or not

I should shave my head.

Um, I've had about 19 beers,

so take that into account.

Hey, Barry,

did you see that?

What?

The girl. The look.

Yeah.

She likes the Ed guy better

than she likes the brother.

No,

I don't think I like it.

I don't think it's nice.

Yeah, it's a good set

of hair you got on

your head right now.

All right,

I had about enough of this.

Give me the remote.

Just a few more minutes.

Read your book.

Not this morning.

Mmm-mmm.

Let's change topics

for a moment.

Does anybody have

an opinion or viewpoint

on something going

on now called Ed TV?

Oh!

This is a new low point

in American culture.

You're being kind.

Way too kind.

Oh!

Brushing my teeth.

They never bothered

to pick a guy

with any talent.

Or even anything to say.

They seem to celebrate

the fact that

the guy's a boob.

Sort of bit of

a joyous celebration of

boobery. That's what it is.

Take it easy.

Hey,

Ed, your show stinks.

Hey, Ed,

you want my autograph?

Yeah!

Okey-dokey.

$10?

You're telling me

now you want $10

to walk my dog?

Listen, we had a deal,

you little

8-year-old bastard.

I'll tell you what.

Keep the dog.

Who is it?

Yeah, who is it?

It's me, Ed, buddy.

Ed? Just kidding.

How you doing?

Good, man. You ready

to watch the game?

Actually, no.

I'm a little bit sleepy.

I'm tired,

I'm exhausted,

I'm spent.

What are you talking about

being sleepy, buddy?

Five minutes to tip-off.

It's time for

Rocket ball, bruh!

Ray, where do you

keep the glasses?

Shari's here.

Why didn't you

just say so?

Huh?

- Hi, Shari.

- Who's Shari?

Who's that?

Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God.

You want me to get that?

No, I got it.

Ed, don't go, I...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look at that!

Get in on that!

No, no, honey.

It's not what you think.

Oh, man!

You're being

misled by a manipulating

medium called television.

All right,

let's get out.

Out, out, out.

No, no, she's

a homeless girl.

Ed, don't leave.

And she was out

on the street,

and so I...

She didn't have any clothes

or a place to stay, and I...

Honey?

Oh, shit! Ed?

What do you

mean "homeless"?

My place is better

than this dump.

Dump?

What?

That was Shari on the phone.

She saw the whole thing on TV.

And I gotta tell you,

she's pissed.

Well, no shit, Ray.

Who's the girl?

Come here a second.

She's the receptionist

at the place where I buy

all that gym equipment.

And she's a real knockout

and a redhead to boot,

which I've never had.

And she's never

given me the time of day.

Suddenly, today, she's all,

"Hey, I saw you

on TV last night,

and you were great."

And I'm all, "You know,

I just made some ginger root

gazpacho, come on over."

And the next thing

you know, ba-da-bing!

I mean, I'm human.

Come on, Ray.

What do you mean?

Why didn't you stop?

Stop?

Yeah, why didn't you stop?

I'm the guy. I don't stop.

That's the woman's job.

We're the gas,

they're the brakes.

Go talk to Shari.

Honey, let him come

talk to you, okay?

Why? Why me?

Because you brought

the cameras here.

You brought the girl.

Oh! Oh, is that the way

it is, bro, huh? Huh?

You can't do me that

one little, simple favor?

Great. Okay.

I don't need any

favors from you!

Matter of fact,

PS, go to hell!

Freaking out of

his gourd, man.

Hey, Ed, man, come on,

you know I really need this.

I need this.

Listen, if I go over

there, you know

they're coming with me.

Yeah, and if I go over

there, she's gonna put

my balls in a blender.

You know

you would, honey.

And so all I'm asking

is just go talk to her

and beg her.

Beg her if you have...

Actually, honey,

let him come beg you.

Just let him come beg you.

And you owe me.

I owe you?

You know you owe me.

I owe you? I owe you?

You owe me.

Yes, go!

I can't go on about this.

"I owe you, you owe me."

Look, I have a guest.

I'm being rude, all right?

I'll talk to you.

Thanks, honey. Okay.

Yeah, Phil,

are you watching this?

Well, you might want

to take a look.

Jack, let's go.

We're gonna be late.

Don't shush me.

Hi!

Hi, I'm Rita.

I'm Shari's roommate.

Hey, Rita, I'm Ed.

Shari knew

you were coming over

because she saw...

- The cameras, yeah.

- Yeah.

She really doesn't want you

and the cameras up here

right now.

Right. Um...

Well, at least,

how's she doing?

I...

I gave her a drink.

I thought...

But she's not much of

a drinker, so it's made her

a little...

What do you want?

Belligerent.

Hey, Shari.

Listen, I'm real sorry

about all this.

Can I come up?

Come on, Shari.

Look, I know it's real awkward

with the cameras and all,

but let me come up

for a couple of seconds

and say two words, would you?

Shari, come on,

would you?

I'm getting really wet

down here. Can I come up?

All right,

here we go, Carlos.

Just stay with him.

Stay with him.

Hang on, Mike.

Am I set?

Yeah, you're

hard-wired, Mike.

Hi.

Hey.

Thanks for

letting me up.

Sure.

Hey, Shari.

I'm going to go

to bed. Good night.

Did I miss anything?

Good night.

Hi, Mom.

Ray feels...

Oh, don't defend

that horse's ass to me!

I'm not. I'm not

defending him, Shari. I...

Look, I'm just saying,

maybe this is a good thing.

I mean, he got it out

of his system, right?

He knows

it's not worth it.

So now one day

if you two decide to get

married or something.

I've got news for you.

I never intended

to marry him.

Why?

Well,

for one thing,

he's a bad lay!

I mean bad!

You tell him, sister!

You tell him!

Oh, you know

that's terrible.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Shari.

You happy now, Ray?

Listen, I think

you're pissed off at him

and you're hurt, you know.

And you're trying

to get back at Ray.

Don't you think?

Yeah, you're right.

- It's me. It's me!

- It's always me!

I go out with

all different kinds

of guys

and the same thing

keeps happening!

I mean, look,

you know what? Look.

See these magazines?

I take these quizzes,

right?

"How Are You at

Relationships?"

I cheat, okay?

I look in the back

for the answers.

I mean, Rita says men

suck and they should

all die, you know.

Then she eats a pound cake.

I mean, she's crazy,

but she's not confused.

Me, I examine

every little thing.

I mean, you know,

I'm just like this.

- Shari.

- What?

You're way too terrific of

a person to be doing this

to yourself. You are.

I mean, hey, I've told

Ray a couple of times,

I think you are one of

the best and smartest

and most attractive women

that I have ever met.

I mean that.

Really?

Yeah, really.

There is nothing wrong

with you.

Uh-oh.

Kiss him! Kiss him!

Don't do it, Ed.

Don't you kiss her.

Don't you kiss her.

God!

I'm nuts, huh?

Ha! I told him.

Yes! Yes! I win!

Oh, Whitaker, you schmuck,

I am the golden goddess of

television!

Oh, my God.

Yes, you're on television.

You're on television.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

God!

Oh, wow.

Listen, Shari?

It's okay.

I just kissed

my boyfriend's brother

on television!

How is that okay?

Well,

when you put it that way,

no, it's not ideal.

Please go. Go!

Let's just talk...

All right.

We're out of here, guys.

Come on, she's right.

Son of a bitch.

What the hell

just happened?

Hey! Hey!

Come on, Ed,

you can't do this to me!

We're locked out!

We're locked out!

Oh, no, no, Carlos,

you're killing me!

Just shoot the door.

I got Mike up on the roof.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

What are we doing?

I've got to tell you

something, Shari.

What?

I've had a big thing for you

for months, Shari.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I've been seeing

you going out with Ray

and you being his girlfriend,

and the whole time

I was wishing

you were my girlfriend.

See, me, too!

I am going out with Ray,

and all I can think about

is you.

I treated you like a princess!

- Oh, this is so weird.

- Yeah, it is weird.

Oh, I gotta go.

¿ Uno más?

Ray? Oh, hey, Al.

Hey, you seen Ray?

Is he around?

Hey, I'm on

television!

Yeah.

Ray was here,

but he left when he saw

you were coming over.

Shit.

Hey, that was some night

last night, kiddo.

Yeah, it damn sure was, Al.

All right,

how about Mom?

Is she around?

She's here.

She's in the bedroom.

I'd yell for her,

but I'd die.

Don't do that. Mom!

I'm right here, darling.

There's no need to shout.

That's not how

you were brought up.

Mom, what are you doing?

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to my home.

- Blanche DuBois lives.

- Mom, Mom.

I'm looking for Ray.

Listen, I've been calling him.

He won't call me back.

You know where

I can find him?

How could

you do something like that?

Your own brother's girlfriend.

It's not all my fault.

He cheated on her.

Well,

it was a mistake.

Yes, it was a mistake.

Do you know where he is?

No. Maybe he's watching.

Tell him you're sorry,

tell him that you will

stay away from that girl.

No, Ma! And that girl

has a name, okay?

What, do you love her

or something?

- Come on, Al.

- Look at that red face.

I had a car that color.

A Buick!

Aren't you excited?

He practically said

he loved you

on television.

I know.

Hi.

Hi, girls.

Wait. Take my picture.

Here, take my picture.

Go ahead, take

my picture with him.

I gotta go to work.

You understand that?

I am really gonna

get hurt this time.

There we go, girls.

I'm going to work. Bye.

Yeah, Doc, I stopped

payment on the plugs.

You gave me doll hair!

I'll hold.

Bye!

Okay, now I'll tell

you something else.

Yeah.

The old guy in

the wheelchair,

the stepfather?

Yeah.

They're gonna

have him die.

Well, that was Whitaker

on the phone.

I'm gonna have

to go scrub my ass

because he's on his way

over to kiss it.

Hey!

Hey, bring it on in,

buddy. Bring it on in.

That's right,

come on.

A little further. Come on.

All right, perfect, man.

Perfect.

Oh, I got my own

parking spot now?

It's all for you, Ed.

How's it going, man?

Good, Mark, how are you?

Come on inside.

Thanks, man.

Ed, you're the best, man.

Saw you last night.

Looking good, man.

All right.

Hey, Ed.

Oh, Ray, man.

I've been looking all

over for you, buddy.

Listen, man,

I know I got some

explaining to do.

Just let me do what

I came here to do.

What, do you want

to fight?

Cassie, come on.

This is really hard.

You promised.

Wait, what are you doing, Ray?

Go ahead.

I went out with Ray

a few years ago,

for a couple of months,

and we were intimate.

And he's really not

as bad as that girl

said he was.

I mean, I've

definitely had worse.

That's enough.

I think we did

what we came here for.

Wow.

Goodbye, brother.

No, come on, Ray!

Vindicated!

Ray, what are you...

Okay, I'm in the bathroom.

Go ahead.

Ed, sorry

we're calling you so late.

It's just that this is

the only time we get to

talk to you off camera.

No, it's cool,

Cynthia, I was up.

Ed, why didn't you

go see Shari today, man?

That's what everybody

was hoping you'd do.

Well, you know, I mean,

I wanted to, but...

Is it about Ray?

Because Ray is

not a problem.

And he cheated on Shari.

That's right, Ed.

Viewers don't like Ray.

The research says females...

No, hey, guys,

it's not Ray. Okay?

Hey, Cynthia?

Yes, Ed?

You got a second?

Can I talk to you

alone for a second?

Absolutely. Yeah.

Why don't you guys

take off?

I'll see you all

in the morning.

Okay. I'll talk to...

Okay, see you later.

All right,

I'll see you later.

Goodbye. All right.

See you later.

Ed, how's it going?

I'm good, you know. I'm good.

Everything's cool.

Did you decide

you don't really like

Shari that much?

No! No, no, no.

That's not it at all.

Oh, I like Shari plenty,

okay? I mean, Shari is...

Oh, man, Shari's great.

Yeah?

Look, Cynthia,

how's this gonna work?

I mean, what,

are we gonna date on TV?

She's not gonna like that.

You know, and I...

Ed, if you don't call her,

you're not really giving her

a choice.

Okay.

Ed?

What?

Can I give you some

advice about women?

Sure.

Women want

to be pursued.

Yes, but...

Ed?

Huh?

What would Burt do?

Oh, this is so exciting.

A real celebrity

delivering my figs.

Yeah. Okay, if you would

just sign right here, please.

Ray's a pig.

That Ed is a doll.

You latch onto him, honey.

Okay. Please sign right

there in the black area.

You know, it wouldn't

kill you to use a little

more makeup on television.

You look a little

washed out.

Okay. What do I actually

have to do to get you to

sign this?

Uh-huh. On television

a minute, and already

you got an attitude.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Hi.

What are you doing?

I missed you.

Really?

Uh...

Wow.

I've never seen you

in uniform before.

Yeah, well.

It's really

quite a turnoff.

Thank you.

Listen, Sunday night

at the Sharks game,

I'm gonna be driving

the Zamboni.

The what?

You now,

that big machine that

cleans the ice, you know.

Uh-huh.

It's quite an honor.

Will you go with me?

Look, I know

this is weird,

Shari, but...

I don't want to wait.

I don't.

I really think we might

have something here.

Don't you?

Oh, these are for you.

Thank you.

So, will you be

my Zamboni date?

Huh?

Yes.

All right.

Yes!

Cynthia, this is great.

This is exploitable!

This is perfect.

Yeah, well...

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ed Pekurny!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Where's my girl?

Where's my girl?

There she is!

Shari!

Let's go, Ed!

There are girls

just ripe for some kissin'

And I mean

To kiss me a few

Man, those chicks don't know

what they're missin'

Ow! Don't kick me

in the shin.

Don't make fun of him!

Sizzlin' steaks

All ready for tastin'

Oh, my God.

Ed, look!

- Hey, it's Ed!

- Hey, it's Ed!

Good evening, Ken.

How's it going?

How's it going?

The girl I'm seeing

is dancing with

that guy right there.

Good night.

Oh, my God, it's Ed!

Eddie!

You're the man, Ed!

You're the man, Ed!

My man Ed! Ed!

Look at this.

How cool is this?

He's a Beatle.

Well, he's not a Beatle,

but he's a Spice Girl.

Or a... Or a Beanie Baby.

He's Menudo!

Hey, Shari, lucky lady!

I want to be on TV with you.

Look right over there

at that monitor.

Stop it!

Who do you think you are?

Stop it!

Shari!

Shari!

Hold on, I got you.

Back off!

You okay, babe?

Okay,

we're gonna take

a break now.

Are you okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Wow. You went down.

I lost an earring.

You think you can

go out and get it?

Yeah, I'll get it.

No, no. Okay,

I'm just kidding.

You're kidding?

Just kidding.

Would you really do that?

Yeah, I'd do that. I mean,

if you wanted your earring.

Oh, wow. That's

the new camera truck, huh?

Look at

my enormous head.

Anyway, Cynthia,

last night,

that was scary.

Listen. Listen.

Don't worry that.

That won't happen again.

We're getting you security.

Good.

I have some news

for you.

What's that?

We're, uh, picking up

Ed TV for another month.

Whoa, say that again.

We're picking you up

for another month.

That means a balloon payment

and a big raise next month.

You're telling me

that balloon payment,

I'm going to get that?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Thank you! Oh, man!

This is so incredible.

Cynthia, this is amazing!

Yes! Another month

and a balloon payment!

Ray! Ray,

if you're watching...

Who the hell would be

watching this?

Did you hear this?

Did you hear this?

I got the payment, buddy.

I got the payment.

This money's for you!

All right? To pay back

that loan! Huh?

It's for you, brother!

Come on!

What do we do when

we're happy? What do we

do when we're happy?

Chicken dance, baby.

The chicken dance.

Huh?

Come on.

I know you're doing it

wherever you are, brother.

If I was doing it,

I wouldn't do it like that.

I'm on

for another month.

Everybody back up,

please. Please!

Please, clear

a path to the car.

Four weeks ago,

no one in America had ever

heard of Ed Pekurny.

Today, this 31-year-old

video store clerk

has become something of

an American icon,

a national obsession.

Honestly?

I try not to go

to the bathroom until Ed

goes to the bathroom,

so I don't miss anything.

I don't know.

The idea just came to me.

Sure, it came to you,

because I brought it to you.

You know, I'm not a guy

who works by committee.

I'm a one-man show.

What do you guys

think about Shari?

She's needy!

I don't like her.

She's too tall.

It's, like, abnormal.

Yeah.

She creeps me out.

She's always,

"Get away! Get away!"

I mean, who does

she think she is?

I know! And she's so bony!

Oh, well, to me,

this Shari's like

nothing, right?

She's not even hot.

I mean, Ed's a celebrity.

If that was me,

I'd be dating the goods.

There's like

something wrong with her.

She's definitely not hot.

Not hot, not hot. No way.

She is

a heat-free being.

Hello? Hi, here you go.

Oh, hi. Yeah.

I've been waiting for this.

Thank you.

Y'all watching

Ed TV, right?

Sign right here, please.

What's up with Shari?

You know,

Ed's girlfriend Shari?

What is up with that bitch?

Ed, honey, look.

Ed, when you get tired

of that skanky ho,

come see me, baby.

Check out the moves!

Watch this one.

Oh, oh!

She's down.

Get out of here.

Shari!

Shari!

Hi.

Come pile on!

Set down the groceries.

Come here!

Where are you going, baby?

No. We're not gonna

do it today, Shari.

I'm gonna go

and get ready.

Baby. Hey, is

everything all right?

No! My truck broke down,

and I got stuck in the rain.

I called the company,

and no one came to get me.

- Rita!

- Just a second.

Don't they give you

a hat?

Some dorky kid stole it

as a souvenir.

Oh... That sucks.

I got to tell you.

I'm kind of glad

he did, Shari,

'cause god damn

you look sexy.

Ed, I don't want to be

on television anymore.

Shari, how's that

gonna work?

I have been trying, okay?

But maybe we should

just hold off

on seeing each other

until you are done

with all of this.

You're out of

there, baby!

I knew it was

gonna happen, dude!

I told you!

Okay, that's a little

extreme, isn't it?

I can't take it

anymore, Ed.

I have no privacy.

Oh...

I mean, even now I'm crying,

and I can't stop,

and they won't leave.

And now it's gonna

be another month!

Everybody hates me.

Nobody hates you, baby.

Why are you...

Who hates you?

A poll, Ed!

USA Today "Is Shari

good enough for Ed?"

71% of the people said no.

Who cares what

they say, you know?

I don't care.

Well, you know, I do care.

You know what?

Shame on everybody!

She's crying over here,

and it's all your fault.

At least the 71% of you.

The other...

Twenty-nine.

29%.

You're smart! See,

isn't she smart?

I mean...

God, she's sexy

with the wet hair

and everything.

And she's funny.

You know that?

She's really funny, too.

She really is!

Shari, do that love coroner

skit that you did for me at

the pool hall that time.

It's so...great.

It's great. Okay?

Okay, baby? You set?

Okay, back up,

get a wide shot of this.

Get a wide shot. Okay.

All right, baby,

remember...

That's the punch line,

all right?

You got a whole

runway over there.

Come on,

are you set to pop?

All right,

ones and twos, and

look right here.

What are you doing?

Do the thing.

Do, like, the skit.

You want me

to entertain

your audience?

What is this, Ed?

An audition to be

your girlfriend,

because I'm not good

enough for you?

No, Shari,

that's not it!

Come on, Shari!

Psycho chick.

Damaged goods, bro.

Do not accept, man.

Man, this is stupid.

"Is Shari good enough

for Ed?"

Who the hell am I, huh?

Who do you think

I should be dating?

There's a list!

Really?

Ed?

God damn.

Now, Ed,

the whole Shari thing,

is that over?

You guys gonna be

showing up on

the History Channel?

What?

What's happening?

No, we're just...

We're on hold.

On hold?

What, is she a phone call?

Is she listening

to Yanni music?

You're gonna get back to her?

Who puts a woman on hold?

What is that all about?

No, we're just...

You know, we're gonna

wait till this is over,

and then we're gonna

pick it back up.

I guess,

this is the famous Carlos

who follows you everywhere?

You know what

I wanted to ask you,

what is this

chicken dance thing?

The chicken dance.

Y'all know

the chicken dance?

Okay, so let's do it!

Have I got it?

Is this how you do it?

You gotta get

your butt out there.

This is a lot of fun.

Ed Pekurny! We'll be

right back, right after this.

Yeah,

yeah, thank you.

Hey, can I have

another hat for my dad?

Ed, I've got your car

ready right here, man.

Cool.

Hey, can you get us

a couple of sodas for

the ride to the airport?

Yeah. What do you want?

Coke or Pepsi?

Uh... Pepsi.

Can I talk to you

for a second, man?

Yeah.

What's up?

My name is Shane.

Hey, Shane.

What's this, man?

How you doing?

This is a tape

of my band, man.

I thought that maybe

you could play it on

your show.

Oh, man, come on.

One of the guys

is blind.

All right,

I'll give it a listen.

Hey, the name of the band is

Not All Of Us Can See.

Really terrific name.

Not All Of Us Can See.

Not All Of You Can See.

What the hell is that, man?

For the love of sweet...

- Jesus Christ!

- Really.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, I just wanted to say

I really love your show.

- I think you're great.

- Oh, thank you.

That's a really cool

thing to say. I'm Ed.

And you must be John?

I'm trying to remember,

all right.

Well, I'm Jill.

I'm from San Francisco, too.

Right. The Bay Area.

Yes, I can tell

by the accent.

Oh, I'm just joshing you.

So, what are you

doing here?

Oh, well, I just flew down

to audition, um, for a skit.

All right.

I'm a model and sort

of an actress, so...

Um...

It was really...

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, you, too.

Yeah.

They were supposed

to send a car for me

to take me to

the airport, but, um...

I'll tell you what.

We got a...

We're going to

the airport right now.

Got a limo outside.

Why don't you...

Why don't you

ride with us?

Oh. Yeah,

that'd be great.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

All right.

All right.

Excuse me.

Coming through.

Take all

you want, man. It's free.

Tawny.

Oh...

Hey, Carlos.

These go in

the nude picture pile.

What do we got here?

Oh, this is cute.

This goes in

the psychopath pile.

Oh.

Hope it's not this guy.

Be right there!

Hello.

Hey, Moe,

what's going on?

Hey, Ed,

this guy says

he knows you.

Hey.

Hey.

How you doing?

You don't recognize me?

Dad?

Yeah. Yeah.

Did you do this?

Did you find him?

No way.

Come on... Come on in.

Yeah, okay.

God damn.

Everybody,

this is Hank,

he's, uh, my dad.

Oh, this just keeps

getting better, doesn't it?

So, what you're saying,

Ma, is that everything

he told me yesterday

was a lie.

Yes.

Practically.

What do you mean

"practically," Ma?

Either you threw him

out or he ran away.

Which one is it?

I need to replace

the coil.

He ran away after

I threw him out.

How much is one

of those new coils?

150 bucks.

So, he was telling

the truth.

Should I go ahead?

Yes.

Yes to me, or yes

to the coil, Mom?

Both.

Oh, shit.

Eddie, look,

he had girlfriends. Okay?

He told me he had

this one girl...

I really do not need

to relive this on

national television.

I am your mother.

Yes, you are.

Do not humiliate me

like this!

I'm not trying

to humiliate you.

I don't need this!

Go away!

Eddie?

Make this one out

to Dr. Rumpley.

Maybe this son of a bitch

won't keep me waiting an hour.

Damn urologists think

they run the world.

She does

this every time.

All right. Do you want

to know the truth?

Yeah.

I took you and Ray

and Marcia to my sister's on

the train for the weekend.

You all came down

with chicken pox,

and so I took you home

a day early.

And, uh, I walked in,

and there was your father

with another woman

in our bed. Okay!

Chicken pox.

Ma, I was six when

I had chicken pox,

and Dad didn't

leave until I was 12.

Well, he apologized.

What do you mean

"he apologized, " Mom?

He begged me.

He got down

on his knees

and he begged me.

Well, Mom, you told me that

you had a hysterectomy

and that he ran off

with your nurse.

She could've been a nurse.

What do you mean,

could've been a nurse?

She had white shoes.

So does Grandma!

You know, so does

Shaquille O'Neal!

That's good.

Well,

what's the difference?

Mom, the difference is

that for 20 years I've

been thinking one thing

and now it's turned out to

be a whole different thing!

Eddie.

He was no good to me.

Don't you remember

the way it was?

Don't you remember

the way he used

to scream at me?

And then no job was ever

good enough for him.

"Small potatoes."

"Small potatoes."

You remember, Al?

Al?

Mom...

You told me

you didn't know Al

until after Dad left.

Holy shit.

You and Al were...

And that's why

you threw Dad out.

There it is!

Oh, finally the truth after

20 goddamn years, Mom?

He had another woman

in my bed, Eddie!

And how dare

you call him "Dad"

in front of Al.

Al is your father.

This is the one

who was there for you

when you really

needed someone.

Ow!

You're hurting me.

Oh, Mom.

Don't blame your mother.

I was irresistible.

Come on in.

How are you doing?

All right.

All right.

You?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I'm fine.

I guess you came up here

to check on your inheritance,

did you?

Come right over here.

You sit right down there.

There you go.

All right. Thank you.

Yeah.

Well, this is, uh,

quite a shithole,

ain't it?

Oh, it could be,

if you fixed it up.

Jeanette, you better

take a look at this.

Coming.

Oh, boy.

You know, it is really nice

of you to come up here.

You know, a million times

I wanted to see you kids,

but, um, well

I mean, your mom,

she told me to stay away.

And I had to respect

her wishes.

Can I ask you something?

Anything.

What happened, Pop?

I mean...

How'd you end up

like this?

Well, you know,

life is funny,

that's all.

I mean, I can't tell

you how many times if

just one little thing

that I needed

would've happened...

Well, everything

would've changed.

I'll tell you that.

But, I don't

make excuses.

And I don't hold grudges.

You and me, we had

some good times together,

though, didn't we? Huh?

Remember the time that

we drove down to Houston

for the weekend

and we saw the Astros

and the Dodgers play?

We stayed in a motel,

it was just you and me.

And you hopped

from bed to bed.

Hell, I remember

that just like

it was yesterday.

I remember

everything you said

and everything you did.

That was Ray, Pop.

Hmm?

You took

Ray to Houston.

It wasn't me.

I had to stay home

with Mom and Marcia.

That's right. Ray.

Ray was

the older one.

Still is.

Yeah.

Well...

Isn't

that something?

Damn the mind!

You know, I gotta go, Pop.

I got a thing across

town I gotta get to.

Sure, son.

Sure. Sure.

You know what?

All right. Listen.

This is my pop.

All right?

And if there's

anybody out there

that can help him out

I don't know,

get him a job

or something.

I drove a limo

for a while.

I'll help you out.

All right? I'll mention

your business on the air...

I don't have

a valid license, Ed.

We'll figure

something out.

All right?

All right.

Ed.

Yeah.

I am truly sorry.

That's good, Pop.

Sorry's good.

As soon as

we're perpendicular to Earth,

I'll start the engines again.

What about the disk?

Oh, God. All right, all right.

Hi.

Hi.

They're not here.

How's that?

Well, I snuck out.

Do you want

to take a drive?

Sure.

Okay.

Now,

Pop's hustling me

for a job.

I mean, it's like

my entire family, Shari.

It's like they're from

their own little galaxy.

Ed.

Every family's crazy.

Yeah, but...

No, I mean,

if it was my family on TV...

Oh, my God! I'd just

have to kill myself!

How about us?

We're doing all right,

aren't we?

I saw that girl

come on to you at

The Tonight Show.

What girl?

That model.

Oh, wait a minute.

Shari, that was nothing.

I mean, look it, I was

leaving, she needed

a ride to the airport,

so I offered her a ride.

Wait a minute. Hey. Hey.

I want you.

Shari,

I don't want anybody else.

Really?

Yeah.

It's you I want.

Bro! Breasts!

Huh? Where?

- Come on!

- Ed, help!

Come on, guys. Don't.

Come on!

She left?

Yeah. She asked for

a transfer to another city,

and she left.

I mean,

someone put her breasts

on the Internet.

Oh, Christ!

She couldn't

take it anymore.

We have people living

in our hallway,

going through

our trash, reporters.

So, she...

Not even good-bye?

Nothing?

Boy, you know...

I mean, when it starts

to go wrong,

there's, like, nothing

you can do to stop it.

You know, because, Rita,

I don't think I could've

tried any harder.

I don't.

Do you?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You see? You see?

You see that?

Hi, Ed.

- Oh, honey, hi.

- What are you doing?

I know this might

seem a little unusual.

How'd you get

in my apartment?

Well, I had to be

a little stealthy

about the whole thing.

What is she holding?

Ed's underwear.

Get out of my house.

I can explain everything...

Keep my underwear!

I love you,

and I want to marry you, Ed.

See? Now,

that's television. Huh?

All right. Now what?

Where do we go from here?

Didn't we order lunch

like an hour ago?

Yes, Chinese.

Good. Good.

So, now,

what do we have Ed do next?

Come on, springboards, ideas.

Notions! Cynthia?

We could

help him find Shari.

No, no, no.

Enough of her.

I hate her,

audiences hate her.

Let's just bury her

and move on.

Tell him

I'll call him back.

Excuse me. Do you know who

the audience is requesting

a lot of is that girl Jill

that he met on

The Tonight Show.

She really scored.

Well, let's get her.

Let's make this happen.

What are we cocking

around here for?

Cynthia, do something.

Get on the phone.

Is lunch literally

coming from China?

I don't understand it.

Remember when you

were interviewing me

and you asked me

if I had a dream?

And I said, "Well,

sure I got a dream.

"I just don't know

what it is yet."

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,

great line. Try to work

that into the show.

What if

Shari's the dream?

Now, come on, Ed.

You're beating

yourself up for nothing.

You knew her history.

When the going gets tough,

Shari gets going.

As far away as possible.

She's...

She's one of those

I'll-dump-you-before-

you-dump-me chicks.

Yeah, but what if we

could get UPS to tell us

where they sent her?

You know? And then

I could go visit her,

and, hell, we could

even move the show

there for a while.

Ed, if you want this thing

to work with her,

the best thing

you can do right now is

to give her some space.

Maybe even, uh,

see other people.

Whoa, whoa!

What do you mean?

Like, right away,

Cynthia? No.

No, no, I...

Ed, you're a star.

But, you know,

celebrities like you,

Tom Cruise or whoever,

you have a responsibility.

I don't think your fans are

gonna be too thrilled

sitting around watching you

have a major case

of the mopeys.

They've got 200 channels

to choose from.

And it's not like

you're giving up Shari.

My sister was going

with a guy.

They hit a little rough spot,

started seeing other people,

they got back together.

Last month they had

their third child,

for what it's worth.

Twenty-two! Thirty-two!

Hey, two,

stay with the quarterback.

One, you got the iso on Ed.

He breaks to the inside.

I think he's

got a step on him!

Hey, Shecky,

you lost the feed.

Ed! Hey, Ed!

Get up!

You lost the feed!

Hey, Jill.

Oh, Eddie, what are you

doing to me? Look alive!

You guys go ahead.

I'll be back, sometime.

Ed, where you going?

Let's get the game going!

- No, it's not.

- It's a set-up.

It's a set-up.

I'm gonna

ask Cynthia.

Come on,

it's such a set-up.

Did you arrange this?

Whose dog is that?

- Out for a walk.

- Walking your dog?

- That's your dog.

- What's your dog's name?

Um, Ginger.

Nielsen looks pretty

good on TV, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, man.

Way to go, Ed!

Picture's worth $1,000.

That's delicious.

Smile, baby!

Do you really

think she likes him?

She doesn't give

a crap about him.

You want us to kiss? Ed.

He should be

a model or something.

He's gorgeous.

Hey, listen.

Should we, um...

Oh! Oh, jeez!

It's, uh...

Listen, Jill, it's getting

kind of late. I mean...

Is he kidding?

What are you doing

tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night.

I got a...

I got a thing... No,

that's not tomorrow night.

Well, listen.

Why don't you come

around here and, um,

I can make you dinner,

and maybe you could

bring a video and...

Well, you know,

we can make

a night of it. Hmm?

Hmm.

Stay behind the barricade.

Go, go, go.

Holy shit!

I'm starting to feel

a little pressure.

Think he's gonna do it?

Hell, yeah.

The guy hasn't had

sex in six weeks.

What, like we have?

Yeah.

We'll park

your car for you, Ed.

Save your strength.

Get out of the way.

Ed, Ed, Ed.

Hi.

Hi.

Jill! Jill!

Come on in.

Oh, wow.

Look at you!

Thanks.

Those boobs are so fake.

She's such a slut.

Total slut.

Big, big crowd tonight.

I know. They've been

there for hours.

Ed?

Yeah.

Do you want to come

have a little nibble?

What...

Oh.

Yeah. Sure.

Hey!

Here, baby.

I thought you had a dog.

Huh? Oh.

No, that was a friend's.

I've just got lovely Isabella.

Hey, baby.

Yes. Good girl.

Come on. Down you go.

Good girl.

Wow!

Good?

Mmm-hmm.

Uh, Mr. President?

I love her!

Get out of the way!

I love her! I love her!

Wow!

Hot damn! We are

go for sex, people.

I love this show, bro.

Is this okay, Cynthia?

Don't leave yet.

This is cable.

I want you to stay with him.

Oh, my.

What's he doing?

Ed, are you okay?

Something broke my fall.

Oh!

Oh!

Please, let me through.

Is it bad? Please, is it bad?

I think she

just broke her leg.

Excuse me. My back's

a little sore, all right?

I didn't break it.

I can walk.

We're just taking

you in for an X-ray.

The thing got,

what, the highest

ratings of the year.

Higher than the Super Bowl.

That's kind of

the same thing, isn't it?

A big build-up, and then

one team just can't perform.

And all that boy did was

hurt that little girl's pussy.

I'm talking about her cat.

I'm talking about the cat.

If Ed had been a star,

if he had really,

kind of, given a terrific

performance that night,

you know, the American people

would've loved him,

but he failed us.

He basically failed us.

He failed us as a man.

Look at this.

She did not. She did

not break my heart.

All right, look,

I understand

that I'm fair game,

but just tell it like it is.

She was a hot-looking chick.

I get that, man,

but I knew the score.

"Broke my heart."

You know what Jill did?

Jill went out to LA

and got one of those scandal

agents that handle, like,

Joey Buttafuoco,

Kato Kaelin and

Gennifer Flowers.

Oh, my God,

he wrote a book.

He never even

read a book, man.

What's your feeling

about the meaning,

if any, of Ed TV?

Well, Harry, I feel

that Ed is the apotheosis

of a prevailing

American syndrome.

It used to be that people

were famous for being special.

Now they're

considered special,

merely for being famous.

You see that fame

has become a moral good

in this country.

It's its own virtue.

All right.

We thought since

we have Ray Pekurny

on the panel today,

we'll talk about his book.

It is called My

Brother Pissed On Me.

Is that a metaphorical title,

or did your brother

actually piss on you?

I put everything in

the book. Everything.

All this is in the book.

I'll be honest,

I have not read the book,

because it looks stupid.

Um...

What?

I'm just saying that

maybe we should start thinking

about when we want to

take him off the air.

Why? What are you talking

about "take him off the air"?

He just got out

of the hospital.

He's fine. The cat's fine.

The ratings are

higher than ever.

Well, you know. It's like

when you're chewing gum

and blowing a bubble.

Oh, good, a metaphor.

Right.

And the bubble

keeps getting bigger

and bigger and

you've got to decide.

When do you suck it in?

Or, if you don't,

it explodes and then

you've got gum face.

Cynthia.

I started out as

an associate producer

on Good Morning, Fresno.

And I didn't get

from there to here

by worrying about

getting gum in my face.

All I'm saying is

I think we've peaked.

And all I'm saying is,

you don't know your

ass from a toboggan.

We're gonna stay with the boy

for another month.

And you know how

I know I'm right?

Because I'm driving

the big car,

and you're driving

the little car.

Ed, you put anybody

on television 16 hours a day,

at some point

they're gonna wind up

rolling off a table

and squashing a cat.

No, man,

that's not my point.

All right, look.

With no privacy,

there is no dignity.

Capisce?

Nice.

- Hello?

- Eddie?

Eddie?

Mom?

Eddie, I'm in the hospital.

All right. What...

Mom. Mom, what happened?

Eddie, it's Dad.

He's dead.

He had a heart attack.

Did I tell you he was

gonna die? Did I say?

Huh? Huh? Come on.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm looking for my mother.

My name's Ed Pekurny.

- Mr. Pekurny? I'm Dr. Geller.

- Yeah?

Hi.

Your mother's just

lying down for a minute.

We gave her something

to calm her down.

Okay. Good.

Thank you. Can I see her?

Why don't you just

give her a minute?

She'll be right out.

Why don't you sit

over here for a second?

What happened to him?

Did he...

Did he suffer any,

or was it quick?

It was very quick.

Between you and me,

it's not a bad way to go.

How's that?

Making love to your wife.

It's very sweet.

They were making love

when he had a heart attack?

According to your mother.

Eddie, thank God you're here.

How's your mother?

Al!

What's going on?

Thought he was dead.

How'd you get here?

The neighbors drove me over.

The worst goddamn driver.

What are you doing here?

Where's Jeanette?

I thought you

said he was dead?

Who?

Al!

No, no. No, the deceased

is Henry Pekurny.

Good twist.

This is beautiful.

I love this!

What?

Don't you get it?

No.

The mother was

shtupping the ex-husband.

You thought it was me?

Well, yeah. Al.

It was your father, Hank.

Your mother went

to see him, and he

suddenly dropped

dead of a heart attack.

Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack

wants to see you.

Oh. Excuse me.

Could I have your autograph?

It's for my niece.

Al. How did you...

The Burkharts drove me over.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I...

Good. I gotta pee.

Wish me luck.

Hey.

Mom.

All right. What happened, Mom?

Oh, Eddie, it was horrible.

He called me up.

Who?

Hank.

He said he

wanted to talk to me.

He wanted to apologize

for everything.

And I went over to this

horrible place where

he was staying, and I...

I just felt

so sorry for him.

So you had sex with him?

What?

The doctor told me

you were having sex.

He told me.

To you in front of them?

Yeah, Mom.

He assumed Hank

was your husband.

You know, common sense.

My God! On TV!

Mom, why? How?

One thing

led to another.

He was my husband once.

But, Al is your husband now.

You think it's been easy

for me all these years?

Al can't have sex!

Apparently,

neither can Hank, Mom.

Let's recap this

whole thing, all right?

The mother's too

good at it, right?

Both brothers stink at it.

The stepfather

can't do it at all.

And the father did it,

but it killed him.

How the hell did

this family reproduce?

How did they even get here?

This is worse than

all the daily tabloid

television that exists.

Isn't the appeal

of this show now,

that everybody's

got a skeleton

in their closet?

Yeah, but how

many skeletons can

one family have?

No, I think our

country is saying,

"We've had enough of this."

Let's get back to

the way TV used to be.

How you doing, boy?

How was the service?

It was all right.

His parole officer

said some lovely

words and...

Once again I was

reminded the end is near.

Sorry you couldn't

come in, kiddo,

but, for some reason,

the family feels

they're not coming off

so well on TV.

You and Mom

are gonna work things

out, aren't you?

I'm moving out.

No, Al, what do you mean

you're moving out?

I'm gonna be

living with my brother.

He's not in such

good shape as me,

but I'm looking

forward to the pillow fights.

Hank.

You know, Hank was

always good with the ladies.

Always good-looking.

Hell, he's been dead

for two days, he still

looks better than me.

I want to tell

you something, Al.

You know, Hank, he...

You're my father, Al.

Take care of

yourself, huh?

You know I will.

I guess, that's when

you know the head, it's...

Different.

You have

done it! I've had it!

Hey, hey, Crockett.

Ease up, man.

Ease up? He just devoured

my entire Buddy

Holly collection!

What is it with you?

How would you

like it if somebody

chewed up your

personal belongings?

See this blanket?

You see this?

Elvis loves this blanket.

It's his most favorite

thing in the whole...

- Three more months?

- Yeah, absolutely.

Ed TV's more popular than

ever. The resurgence in

interest is astounding.

And, of course,

this means another big

bonus payment for you.

Ed, have you

thought about moving

in with your mother?

I mean, she's all alone now.

I'm sure she could

use your support.

You know, we're not as dumb

as you people think we are.

I'm taking what little

dignity there is left,

and I quit.

Can somebody

validate my parking here?

Ed, I'm afraid

that's not possible.

Okay, Mr. Big Network.

I'll pay for it myself.

No, I mean, you can't quit.

The hell I can't.

Look it, I just did.

I know, Ed, but you see,

you agreed to stay on the air

as long as we asked you to.

The station entered into this

with that understanding.

Now, if you had

refused up front,

well, we would have

done this with somebody else.

You can't just

change the rules

in the middle

of the game, son.

It's just not fair.

Listen, if you don't let

me out of this now, I...

I'm gonna go home,

and stick my thumb

up my butt, all right?

Sit on my ass and

not do a damn thing.

I won't go anywhere.

What kind of show

does that sound like?

Uh, not too good.

No, not too good.

No, you see, that's why

it states very specifically

in your contract

that if you don't continue

to live a normal life...

Well, then you're

in breach. See?

And you're liable

for all the station's

financial losses.

I'll get this.

Autograph, please?

Ed, come on out!

Shari.

Oh, my God.

Move! Excuse me!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Shari!

Shari!

Watch it! Watch it!

Who's got the shot? Come on.

Who's got the shot?

Just give it to me.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Come on, he's on the move!

Go! Go! Go!

We got him! We got him!

Fire it up. We're rolling.

Keep the microwave

high, Shecky.

Come on.

Get up! Get up!

Come on, come on,

he's getting away.

Hi. Hi, one, please.

Excuse me.

Hey!

Give me one.

I'm looking for

a girl, tall...

Bad wig?

Yeah.

Theater 3. Your

ticket, your ticket.

Oh!

Watch it! Watch it!

Shari, are you okay?

I'm sorry.

Shari!

Shari?

- Shari?

- It's not me.

Well, it sounds like you.

Well, it's not.

Now, go away.

I thought you moved.

I just came for my

brother's birthday.

What, in a disguise?

I wanted to see

you, but I didn't

want you to see me.

Oh, Shari, listen to me.

I know why you left.

Everyone knows why,

Ed. I told you why.

No, no, you said it

was because of the TV.

But I don't believe that.

I mean, look at us.

You know, we've been

with people before,

and it didn't work out.

And none of it

was on TV, Shari.

None of it.

You and me...

We've been burned.

You know, and we're scared.

And that's why you left.

And that's why,

I didn't do a damn

thing to stop you.

Shari?

All right.

Oh!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Well...

All right,

listen, you stay here.

I'm leaving. These

guys are coming with me.

I don't know what

the hell I'm going to do,

but I'll figure something out

so we can be together.

Okay?

Okay.

Let's go, guys.

No, Mike. Follow Shari.

Mike, Shecky, come on.

We can't.

Mike, Shecky, I'm leaving.

You're supposed

to follow me. Let's go.

Give him room.

Hi, Ed.

Why the hell are they

still following Shari?

Well, it's their new

concept since the...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on here?

Why is my family on TV?

Like I was saying,

it's a new concept.

See, since Shari

and your family all

signed releases,

we're allowed to

follow them on camera

even though

you're not with them.

So, you see, we go with

whoever's the most exciting.

See, and right now, look.

You see, it's you, see, and...

Oh, uh...

Me.

You can't do this.

I'm not a lawyer.

I'm just a guy who

eats three meals

a day in this truck.

You got to get

them off the air.

This is not part of the deal.

I don't give a goddamn.

Make the call, man.

Make the call. Get 'em off.

Look, Ed, you

know, this is...

I'll get 'em off.

Hey! Hey!

Ed! Ed!

Ed, come on!

Ed, if you break the truck...

If you break the truck,

they'll charge you for it.

They'll have a new

one here in 15 minutes.

Ten.

Come on, Ed.

This is crazy.

Hey, hey.

They got you, man.

Just go home.

Go home, Gomer!

Ed, this is crazy. Come on.

You know what?

They're right.

This is a great idea.

My family is interesting.

I mean, hell, look at 'em.

But everybody's

interesting, right?

I bet you that

wacky little group

that owns this network,

that I had the meeting with.

I bet they're pretty

goddamn interesting, too,

don't you think?

Huh?

I'll bet they are.

Oh, yeah, I bet they are.

I'll bet you $10,000 they are.

Yeah.

I ought to loosen up

a little bit, shouldn't I?

Let's have a little

fun with this thing.

All right, let's really blow

it out. Let's have a contest.

Who can dig up

the most embarrassing

and humiliating information

on any of the executives

of the NorthWest

Broadcast Company,

which owns this

station, True TV.

'Cause after all,

why should anyone

have any privacy, right?

So I want anything.

Anything from

their past, their present,

business, personal,

you name it.

Man, if it's dirty and

it's true, we want it.

Whoever brings the sleaziest

and most degrading

material to me,

I'm gonna pay you

$10,000.

Yeah!

I love this guy!

And tonight at 9:00,

I'll announce

the big winner, all right?

Now, you're gonna

need my home number,

all right?

Call me any time, all right?

And if you get in right

now, I'm gonna throw

in a little bonus.

You're gonna get a free book

by author Ray Pekurny,

entitled My

Brother Pissed On Me.

All right, America.

Come on, baby.

Let's start digging.

This is ridiculous.

How can this be legal?

It's illusion.

It's slander.

Not technically.

Because he is not

showing a reckless

disregard for the truth.

Oh, come on!

What are you saying?

At 9:00 he can say

whatever he wants

about us?

That is ridiculous.

There has got to be

some way we can

shut this hillbilly up.

Hey, I've got an idea.

What?

Let's not shut him up.

Let's get him to push

it to Sunday when

the audience is bigger,

promote it for

the next five days,

I mean, really hype it

because it's

a ratings grabber.

Which is all that counts,

really, so run with it.

You were right, I was wrong.

See, Ed TV is going

to be bigger than ever.

Cynthia, another word

and you may

consider yourself fired.

Uh-oh.

Can you give me a hint?

What word? Um... Asshole?

Shithead? Would that...

Is that one word

or two, though?

I never can remember that.

Shithead. Anyway, listen.

It has been a real

pleasure working for you.

I have loved it.

Loved it, loved it,

loved it.

Loved it.

So, you're saying,

he didn't tip you?

Well, maybe you're not hot.

Yeah. Uh...

Look, I gotta go.

My brother's here.

Look, we

gotta settle this.

All right, man.

They're gonna fight.

Maybe they'll kill each other.

That's at least an ending.

Okay, settled.

Yeah, great.

That's it?

What was that?

Some brotherly...

Southern brotherly thing.

Here you go.

You weren't gonna swing.

Were you ready to swing?

I was ready

to throw it there.

Hey, you know,

good thing I was here.

You got all kinds of calls.

This is not good.

This is not a good thing.

Would 40 of these kill me?

What if we compromised?

Asked him to stay

on two more weeks

and then kick him off.

Ah, phone.

All right, here we go.

Hello.

Is this Ed?

Yes, it is. Who's this?

I've got some

information for you.

It's better than

anything you've got.

Okay, I'm here.

I got this from one

of the secretaries

that works at the network.

Got a little blitzed

at the Christmas party.

Listen carefully.

I'm only gonna say this once,

'cause talking this way

is really hurting my throat.

Can anyone see

what he's writing?

"Duck"?

Did anybody do

anything with a duck?

Jesus, I'd hate to be stuck

in a foxhole with this group.

There's not a full-grown

pair of testicles among you.

Uh, sir, I...

Hey, look, whatever

little embarrassments

he comes up with,

we'll spin it.

This guy is gonna

stay on TV until he dies.

Relax!

Okay. Yes.

I got it. Thank you.

Well?

I think we've got a winner.

Rayford?

All right, 9:00 yet?

Er, 9:01.

9:01, 9:01,

got it.

Okay.

I don't know how

many of you out there

are paying attention right now

but for those of you who

are, I think we just

got the winner. Whoo!

Okay, how many of you know

what a penile implant is?

Well, as it's explained

to me, what happens is,

you get two cylinders,

one, two and

they are inserted

into the shaft.

Now, to get an erection,

what this man does is,

he squeezes this pump,

and it forces a fluid

that goes in the

cylinders into the shaft.

And voilĂ ,

you've got your stiffie.

You're good to go.

So, who's this lucky guy?

I mean, who is this

True TV executive

who can now get his

Johnson to head north

anytime he wants?

Well, I'm gonna tell you

who the lucky man is now.

Tell us, brother!

All right then.

Here we go.

The man of the hour is Mr...

Whoo!

True TV regrets

to inform our audience that

due to circumstances

beyond our control

Ed TV will no

longer be presented.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Who's the guy

with the phony...

What do they expect

us to do now?

Look...

I don't know who he

was talking about.

I don't even know

whether or not it was true.

But he was about

to name one of you,

and I'll be damned

if I'll have one of my people

humiliated on public...

I mean, not that

there's anything to be

embarrassed about,

I mean, if it's true.

The point is,

it's a normal medical...

What the hell

are you looking at,

you redheaded putz?

Pack it up and

go on home now.

Leave me in peace.

Don't come back

now, you hear?

Well...

Back to infomercials.

Hey, I'm on TV! Look at me!

- Yeah, right here!

- Hi, Mom!

So Ed is no longer on TV.

Sam, how did he make out?

Ed made out

like a bandit.

A spokesperson

for True TV announced that

Ed received a check

covering his four

months on the air,

his balloon payment,

and an additional bonus

to show the network's

appreciation for

all his quote,

"Hard work

and loyalty." Unquote.

When asked exactly

what happened, a True TV

spokesperson said

they had no official comment,

but that things

had been worked out.

Okay,

let's do a final...

Perhaps say

good-bye here to Ed TV.

Have we seen the last

of Ed, do you think?

I would think so.

In five years,

no one will

remember who he is.

Five years? Six months.

He's a Macarena.

It's Ed-free TV now.