Edtv (1999) - full transcript

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Every second is true
on True TV!

This spring.

So, any questions?

- Yes.
- Okay.

I think we get
that it's true,
but what is it?

Cynthia,
why don't you come up here.
This is your moment.

Folks, this is
Cynthia Topping,

she's the program director
at True TV.

She's the one that's gonna be
strapped to a Scud missile
if this idea doesn't work.

Thank you, Mr. Whitaker.
I've always wanted to travel.
The missile. Yes?

Isn't this show similar
to a show that PBS had on
in the '70s, the Loud Family?

No, this is
completely different.

We're gonna pick
one person,

one normal person, uh,
not like you folks.



And we're gonna put that
person's life on television
all day long, uh, live.

It's not PBS,
it's not Real World.

We're not gonna film it
and then edit it later.

Is that how I sound?
I don't sound like that, do I?

More or less.
On a good day.

You never said anything?

Look, I don't mean
to be negative here.

Ooh!
Hey!

Now, I know this was
your idea and all,

but doesn't this have, like,
a great chance of being...

A big, smelly bomb?
Oh, you betcha. Yeah.

And wouldn't that be,
you know, a bad thing?

Keith, we're getting
our butts kicked by
the Gardening Channel.

People would
rather watch soil.

I mean, we are this close
to having chalk outlines
around our careers.

I love that we're doing this,
and I love that it's risky.

All anyone ever does
in this business
is follow the pack.

I mean, hell,
if people tune into this

twice a day
for five minutes,
we're a hit.

And you know what
finally convinced me
that this could work?

Half a dozen
wine coolers?

It's when I realized that
the person we pick,

the guy that's on
TV all day long, doesn't
even have to be good.

I mean, if he's good,
great, but if he's bad,
even better.

Bad is better?

People can't turn away
from an accident.

You know, you drive by
and you say,

"Ooh, I hope there's not
a head in the road.
That would be..."

But then you look.
You don't want to miss it.

So we put a guy on TV,
and we just sit and wait,

and see if that head
starts rolling down
the highway.

Now, that's fun
for the whole family.

So, what's
our next step?

Yeah,
I'd love to know that.

We find ourselves
a big, fat, rolling head.

Are you seeing this?
Are you looking around you?
Are you...

God,
you know what this is?

Oh! This is
a horror show.

What are you going off
about now, John boy?

You know what.
This doesn't bug you?

All our friends
and everybody
getting married

and they're having kids
and their careers.

And their kids
are having careers.
It's a mess.

Why would that
bug me, man?

I mean, look at us, right?
We are doing fine.

Oh.

Okay. You have a beer
around your neck.

- That's my point!
- Hey, there's Ray!

Your brother's here.
Go long, man.

I'm gonna go over
and say hi to Kim.

Oh, hey, yeah, listen.
That was great tonight.
I loved it.

Oh, man.

What's going on, man?

I'm telling you,
it's weird.

It's like, we meet,
we go out
a couple of times

and then, bing bang boom,
she's got me meeting
her parents.

What do you mean
"bing bang boom"?

Buddy, you've been going out
with her for six months.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I suddenly feel
like the walls are
closing in on me.

You know... The father is
sitting there asking me
about my career prospects.

Can you believe that?

Oh! At dinner,

the dog is sniffing
my balls.

I mean, at least I hope
it was the dog,

because
her mother disappeared
for a while.

Hey, what's going on
over there?

They're doing audition tapes
for that True TV thing.

People are sending them in
from all over the place.

Oh, yeah?
That's cool!

What's cool?

To be that guy, that guy
they watch all day.
Get out of here.

Hey, I'm telling you.
Mark my words.

That guy is going
to be famous.

He'll be able to get
whatever he wants,
whoever he wants.

Hey. Trust me.
This is my business.

What is?

Show business.

Oh, you're in
show business now?

Yeah, I service
video equipment.

That's like saying
the people stitching Nikes
in Panama are in the NBA.

Hello.

Bed wetter.
Thumb sucker.

Hey, you know what?

I'm going to go
make a tape.
You know what?

I'm excited.

All right, so...
I know that
I can do this.

It's my turn.
I'm next.

Hey, Buzz,
can I get one more?

You got it.

Hello, there.
Hey.

So Ray met
the family, huh?
Huh?

Oh, yeah.

I heard the dog
really liked him.
Yeah.

Oh, the whole family
loved him.

Of course,
my whole family really loved
the last guy I went out with

and he strung me
along for a year
and then dumped me.

Yeah?
Mmm-hmm.

And, you know, every guy
I ever broke up with,

the minute it's over,
I could tell you
what went wrong.

How it went wrong,

why it had to go wrong.

But when I'm in it,

lost.

I'm like a love coroner!

You know, bring me
the corpse, I'll tell you
what killed it.

But how to prevent it?
Lost.

Hey, y'all!

I'm Ray Pekurny!

I'm from right here
in San Francisco,

the greatest city
in the world.

Yeah!

Are you with me?

Go Niners!

Yeah!

Okay. I want
to introduce you
to my girlfriend.

She's really cute,
she's really cool...

No!
...and she's really strong.

She's a UPS person, you know.
She lifts packages.
Not beefy or anything.

She told me this joke.
"What do you get when
you cross UPS with FedEx?

"Fed up!"

It's her joke.

Oh, my brother.
Ed, yeah, come on.

Come on,
say something, Ed.
Asshole.

Come on, man.
Say something.
All right. Um...

I don't know about this
whole 24-hour TV thing
you all got going,

but if you're gonna go
forward with it,
this is your man.

Smart man. That's it.
The Ray-man here.
This guy's got stories.

This guy has lived.
I've got stories.
I've lived!

Tell them about
that dog-grooming
business you started.

No, no, no. Not here.

No, you gotta
tell them about that.
I don't really want to.

Ray, tell them.

All right, I'm telling,
I'm telling. Here we go.

This guy?
Yeah,
take a look at this kid.

...was gonna start up
a mobile
dog-grooming business.

He's cute.
Really?

Yes.

He doesn't want to be
like everybody else.
No.

He doesn't start it in
a van or a pickup truck
or something like that.

No, the Ray-man,
he starts it in a Camry!

Camry! Camry!
Camry!

So, he gets a tub, right?
He puts it in the trunk.

He throws the dogs in the tub,
slams the trunk shut,
starts driving around.

Speeds up,
stops real quick,
turns left hard,

turns right hard to get
the dogs all sudded up, right?

Pretty smart, right?
Now, guess how he dries
them off. Guess.

With the exhaust!

What do you say,
I mean,
we bring him in?

We just...
It can't hurt.
Just talk to him.

Well...
I'm from East Texas.

Yep. And, uh,
when I was, like, 13,

my mom got remarried
to my stepfather who was
a traveling salesman.

He got transferred up here
to San Francisco,

so, you know,
we all came along.

- Here we are, here I am.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Terrific.
- Yep.

And did you go
to college or...

I had a year at
junior college.

Home of the Bear Cats.

Oh! Scary.

What did you study?

Studying? Um...

Jeez, that'd have
been a big help.

That really would have.
Where were you then?

That's cute.

Straight ahead.
What? Oh, yeah.

And as you see,
I can get rid of the Texas
accent whenever I want.

Or I can just slide

real deep on into it
like this.

How do you decide?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I find that, uh,
this accent here don't do me
no harm with the ladies.

Know what I mean, darlin'?

Yep.

No, never been
married. Um...

I've been burned
a couple times, though.

My father?

Um...

Let's see. When I was 12,
my mom got a hysterectomy.

He ran off with her nurse,
and I haven't seen him since.

That's my dad,
Hank Pekurny.

Next question?

Uh, like, one time I was
playing pee-wee football
back in Texas, right,

and I dislocated my finger.

Mom comes rolling out
of the bleachers down,

busts through
this little group of kids,
grabs my finger...

Pops it back into place.

Runs up, slaps the coach
upside the head

and says,
"Let's get the game on!"

That's Mom.

And I still can't really
bend this finger, though.

Oh... A dream?

Oh, yeah, man,
I got a dream. I, uh...

I just don't know
what it is yet, you know.

Did you test him?
Did you do any research?

Research?

We don't even have
money in our budget
for coffee filters.

We're using a yarmulke.

But this is
who you want?

I'm going based on
something you once said
at a broadcaster's dinner.

I love it! I love it!

You see what she does?

See what she does?
She attaches me
to her choice.

Thereby fueling
my massive ego and
forcing me to like it.

You're great!
How come you never
doodle my name?

I do.
I'm joking. Joking.

Once again.

This is the guy
you want to go with?

Yes.

What happens when
you go to the bathroom?
Do they go in with you?

No, Al, the bathroom's
out of bounds.

Okay, dinner's
getting cold!

You know, my life is not
so great that I want it
shown on television.

And neither
is yours, Ed.

That's the whole point.
This could change
all of that.

How?

Oh! Oh!

I'm glad you asked.
I want to open a gym.

A gymnasium?

No, a gym. A gymnasium is
an old, white guy shooting
free throws like this.

I'm talking
a modern-day
fitness center.

What does it have
to do with Ed?

Well,
if Ed is on TV for a month,
he gets a balloon payment.

That's big money.

Right. I borrow
against that right now
at the bank, I buy the gym,

I make Ed a silent partner,

and I cut all you in
for a slice because
you signed the releases.

This is gonna cost us.

It's not gonna cost...
Hey, look.

Open your eyes instead
of your mouth for once.
This is a no-brainer.

The whole time
I'm gonna be promoting
the gym on TV.

It's free advertising.

I mean, does
anyone else see this?

How about sex?

Sorry, Al,
but I'm gonna
have to pass.

And it's not an age thing,
'cause you are still
a handsome man.

No!

Do they show you
having sex?

No, Al. Look,
kissing and hugging.

Nudity?
Ed, you're not
gonna be nude.

Why would I be nude, Mom?

What kind of a show is this?
It's a filthy show!

It is not
a filthy show.

Have you even read
the whole contract?

Do you even know
what's in it?

Oh,
little Miss Cautious
all of a sudden.

She meets a guy in a bar,
she's married an hour later.

We didn't get married,
we just thought
we were married.

Marcia,
calm down, honey.

Well, he's picking at me
and he's bringing up
all kinds of issues.

Listen, married is married.
You know, maybe
this isn't a good idea.

- What isn't?
- All of it.

I mean,
the whole thing,
you know.

Maybe I'll just
get out now before
it gets complicated.

You know,
no harm, no foul.

Oh, great.
They had to pick you.
They couldn't pick me.

Well, if he doesn't
want to do it

"If he doesn't
want to do it"?

He's 31 years old,
he's a video-store clerk!

What is his grand
masterplan here, huh?

What, is he gonna
spend the rest of his life
rearranging Ernest movies?

I mean, everyone
who works there
is 12 years old.

They go through college,
they graduate,

and then they stop
working there.

Except for him!

He stays to welcome
the next batch
of 12-year-olds.

I mean, if you ask me,
it's a job for retards!

Ray, stop that!

- Was I being insulting?
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, kind of.

As usual.

I mean,
a fellow can't...

All right,
all right.
Look, look.

Hey.

You don't have
to be scared.
I'm not scared.

Don't be scared.

I'm not scared.
I'm not scared.
You're scared, man.

I am not scared, Ray.
You got that
doe-in-the-headlights look.

You're mixing your
proteins and starches
and you can't...

Look, I'll tell you what.

You don't have to
worry about anything.
You know why?

Huh?

No, why?
Because big brother's
riding shotgun, man.

I've got your back.

Now, did anything
ever happen to you
when you were a kid?

Anyone ever bother you?

Just you.
Just me.

You bring those cameras
over to big brother

and I promise you,
I will make something happen
for both of us, for all of us!

And, you know,
how many chances do guys
like you and I get?

I don't know.
Yeah, that's right,
you don't know.

Guys, when am I gonna
get my on-air feed?

All I'm getting
are color bars.

Mike, loosen up
just a little bit.

Stand by
to lose laser.
Good.

TOC.
We're ready to feed.

Carlos, now show me
where you're gonna be
when we go live.

There you go, right there.
Go back up a little bit.

Okay, right there.

All right, guys,
we're gonna go in ten, nine...

Is it starting?

Hey.
Hey.

Four,

three,

two,

and ready one,
take one.

There he is!

Not the best angle.

This is exciting.

Oh, my God,
is that what I think it is?

I think so.
A little morning chubby.

Damn it.

Oh, no.

Oh, honey.

Don't do that.

Pull it out.
Pull it out.

Well, that's
embarrassing.

Good morning.

Microphone.
Mmm-hmm.

Microphone.

Turn on the TV.

Good morning.

I'm Ed.

There's that smile!

Ow, ow, ow!

- Hot!
- An action sequence.

I kind of pieced
this stereo together.

You know, kind of
a homemade job.

This is my wall of chrome.

I've been collecting
those since, like, 1973.

Shit.

Oh, wow!

What'd I miss?

He's, uh, checking
out his own ass.

You gotta see this.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Hey!

Come on, man,
hop in.

Let's go!

Whoa!

All right.

The mast is down.

Let's go, Sam, let's go!

Hey, Ed!
Ed, up here!

Guys, film me.
Yeah, hi!

Ed, up here! Yeah!

Ah!

Hey!

Act like
everything is normal.

Go. Go.

What's up, man?

Guys.

Welcome to work, Ed.

It's good to be
at work, Lou.

I got just
what you need
right here, boys.

The best tape in
the whole damn store.
Smokey and the Bandit.

Huh!

Who's in that?

Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr.
is in that, boys.

Burton Leon
Reynolds, Jr.?
Who?

Get out.

You can't have
this tape. Go home!

Get your raggedy little
Steven Seagal-loving
asses out of here.

"Who's in this?"
Burt Reynolds!

Burt.

Burt rules.

Alice,
why are we watching this?

No reason. I just want
to see what happens.

Well, let me spare
you the suspense, okay?

Absolutely nothing's
gonna happen, all right?
Trust me on this.

Yeah.
Which one of these albums
would you recommend?

You gotta go
with that. Yeah.

Ah! That's a good
choice right there.

I think he's cute.

No, no, no.

You look at
your husband, okay?
Get.

I'm gonna make you say
my name tonight, woman.

You know, most people
like to hurry through
a toenail clipping session.

You know, just clip
and git, you know.

Not me. Uh-huh.

I like to take my time.

I'm meticulous,
you know.

I like to do it.

Yeah.

You know, if this guy
collects his toe cheese,
I'm out of here.

...then head down
to the little toe.
That ain't me.

I save the big one...

For last.

'Cause it's bigger,
you know.

You gotta do some work.
You gotta be an artiste.

Look at that.

Oh!

No. No, I haven't seen
the spot ratings.

You know how you're
watching the big game

and you gotta do
your business?

Yeah. Well, that's
a number that, you know,
we'll hopefully build from.

I don't have to anymore.
Check that out.
I designed this.

No, I disagree.
No, I don't think it's
time to pull the plug.

Can you back up to
your right a little bit?

Yes, Mr. Whitaker,
I know they shoot horses.

What do you see?
What is that?

That is the TV.
And where am I?
I am on the can.

At the same time,
I am on the can, but
yet I am still a fan.

But you know what,
it's been one day, okay?

Can you give me
a week with this guy,

and then you fly up
my nose? Hello?

Somebody smart said,
"Practicality wins out."

So, in this bathroom,
I'm a winner.

Yeah.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Come on, Ray,
she's not that heavy.

You shifted
your weight.

I'm not hurt.
I'm not hurt.
I'm okay.

Ray's Gym!
Now accepting applications!

We want your body! Ray's!
Look what he did for me. Huh?

All right.

What do you like about it?
I don't understand.

I don't know.
It's just that
it's... Well...

Just let me watch.

Okay, you're gonna love this.
This is a great story.

I got a great story, okay?

You remember Marcia?
Of course you remember
Marcia. She's our sister.

No, you know,
she's going out
with this new guy.

They're living together.

Ray, you want to save
this till later, man?

No, now's
the perfect time.

He's a singer
in a piano bar.

Sings, plays the piano,
and that's how they met.

He sang to her,
they fell in love.

Not even, Buzz. No, no.

Get this. Some drunk
hit him in the head
with a snifter.

You know, one of
those things they keep
on the bar for tips.

You don't know, Buzz,
'cause you never get
any tips.

But he hit him over the head
'cause he's terrible,
he's wretched,

he's awful,
he's dreadful, he sucks.
I'm telling you, right?

So that's what happened.

She's pulling out
a chunk of glass
out of his skull,

and he bleeds on her,
and that's all she needs!

Bing! It's amour, right?

The question
I'm asking is,

"What's she doing in a bar
in the first place?"

She's an alcoholic,
for Christ's sakes.

No. No, no, Ray.
Ray, buddy, not here.
Come on now.

I gotta pee.
I gotta pee.

Hey, what are you,
hiding from the police
or something?

Come on, show yourself.
Look, is she beautiful?

She's beautiful, right?

That's my girl.
Listen.

While I'm gone, Ed,
tell 'em about that time
that we lied to Mom,

and then we went down
to Tijuana to find
the donkey show.

I got her.
I got her.

You are, though.

What?

Beautiful.

Thank you.
Hey, man.

You're welcome.
Yeah, buddy?

I'm taking a poll
on whether or not
I should shave my head.

Um, I've had about 19 beers,
so take that into account.

Hey, Barry,
did you see that?
What?

The girl. The look.
Yeah.

She likes the Ed guy better
than she likes the brother.

No,
I don't think I like it.
I don't think it's nice.

Yeah, it's a good set
of hair you got on
your head right now.

All right,
I had about enough of this.
Give me the remote.

Just a few more minutes.
Read your book.

Not this morning.
Mmm-mmm.

Let's change topics
for a moment.

Does anybody have
an opinion or viewpoint

on something going
on now called Ed TV?

Oh!

This is a new low point
in American culture.

You're being kind.
Way too kind.
Oh!

Brushing my teeth.

They never bothered
to pick a guy
with any talent.

Or even anything to say.

They seem to celebrate
the fact that
the guy's a boob.

Sort of bit of
a joyous celebration of
boobery. That's what it is.

Take it easy.

Hey,
Ed, your show stinks.

Hey, Ed,
you want my autograph?
Yeah!

Okey-dokey.

$10?

You're telling me
now you want $10
to walk my dog?

Listen, we had a deal,
you little
8-year-old bastard.

I'll tell you what.
Keep the dog.

Who is it?

Yeah, who is it?
It's me, Ed, buddy.

Ed? Just kidding.
How you doing?

Good, man. You ready
to watch the game?

Actually, no.
I'm a little bit sleepy.

I'm tired,
I'm exhausted,
I'm spent.

What are you talking about
being sleepy, buddy?
Five minutes to tip-off.

It's time for
Rocket ball, bruh!

Ray, where do you
keep the glasses?

Shari's here.
Why didn't you
just say so?

Huh?

- Hi, Shari.
- Who's Shari?

Who's that?

Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God.

You want me to get that?
No, I got it.
Ed, don't go, I...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look at that!
Get in on that!

No, no, honey.
It's not what you think.
Oh, man!

You're being
misled by a manipulating
medium called television.

All right,
let's get out.
Out, out, out.

No, no, she's
a homeless girl.
Ed, don't leave.

And she was out
on the street,
and so I...

She didn't have any clothes
or a place to stay, and I...
Honey?

Oh, shit! Ed?

What do you
mean "homeless"?

My place is better
than this dump.

Dump?
What?

That was Shari on the phone.
She saw the whole thing on TV.

And I gotta tell you,
she's pissed.

Well, no shit, Ray.
Who's the girl?

Come here a second.

She's the receptionist
at the place where I buy
all that gym equipment.

And she's a real knockout
and a redhead to boot,
which I've never had.

And she's never
given me the time of day.
Suddenly, today, she's all,

"Hey, I saw you
on TV last night,
and you were great."

And I'm all, "You know,
I just made some ginger root
gazpacho, come on over."

And the next thing
you know, ba-da-bing!

I mean, I'm human.

Come on, Ray.
What do you mean?
Why didn't you stop?

Stop?

Yeah, why didn't you stop?
I'm the guy. I don't stop.

That's the woman's job.
We're the gas,
they're the brakes.

Go talk to Shari.
Honey, let him come
talk to you, okay?

Why? Why me?

Because you brought
the cameras here.

You brought the girl.

Oh! Oh, is that the way
it is, bro, huh? Huh?

You can't do me that
one little, simple favor?

Great. Okay.
I don't need any
favors from you!

Matter of fact,
PS, go to hell!

Freaking out of
his gourd, man.

Hey, Ed, man, come on,
you know I really need this.
I need this.

Listen, if I go over
there, you know
they're coming with me.

Yeah, and if I go over
there, she's gonna put
my balls in a blender.

You know
you would, honey.

And so all I'm asking
is just go talk to her
and beg her.

Beg her if you have...
Actually, honey,
let him come beg you.

Just let him come beg you.

And you owe me.

I owe you?
You know you owe me.

I owe you? I owe you?
You owe me.

Yes, go!

I can't go on about this.
"I owe you, you owe me."

Look, I have a guest.
I'm being rude, all right?
I'll talk to you.

Thanks, honey. Okay.

Yeah, Phil,
are you watching this?

Well, you might want
to take a look.

Jack, let's go.
We're gonna be late.

Don't shush me.

Hi!

Hi, I'm Rita.
I'm Shari's roommate.

Hey, Rita, I'm Ed.

Shari knew
you were coming over
because she saw...

- The cameras, yeah.
- Yeah.

She really doesn't want you
and the cameras up here
right now.

Right. Um...

Well, at least,
how's she doing?

I...

I gave her a drink.
I thought...

But she's not much of
a drinker, so it's made her
a little...

What do you want?
Belligerent.

Hey, Shari.

Listen, I'm real sorry
about all this.

Can I come up?

Come on, Shari.

Look, I know it's real awkward
with the cameras and all,

but let me come up
for a couple of seconds
and say two words, would you?

Shari, come on,
would you?

I'm getting really wet
down here. Can I come up?

All right,
here we go, Carlos.

Just stay with him.
Stay with him.

Hang on, Mike.

Am I set?
Yeah, you're
hard-wired, Mike.

Hi.
Hey.

Thanks for
letting me up.
Sure.

Hey, Shari.

I'm going to go
to bed. Good night.
Did I miss anything?

Good night.

Hi, Mom.

Ray feels...
Oh, don't defend
that horse's ass to me!

I'm not. I'm not
defending him, Shari. I...

Look, I'm just saying,
maybe this is a good thing.

I mean, he got it out
of his system, right?

He knows
it's not worth it.

So now one day
if you two decide to get
married or something.

I've got news for you.

I never intended
to marry him.

Why?

Well,
for one thing,

he's a bad lay!

I mean bad!

You tell him, sister!
You tell him!

Oh, you know
that's terrible.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Shari.

You happy now, Ray?

Listen, I think
you're pissed off at him
and you're hurt, you know.

And you're trying
to get back at Ray.

Don't you think?

Yeah, you're right.

- It's me. It's me!
- It's always me!

I go out with
all different kinds
of guys

and the same thing
keeps happening!

I mean, look,
you know what? Look.

See these magazines?
I take these quizzes,
right?

"How Are You at
Relationships?"

I cheat, okay?
I look in the back
for the answers.

I mean, Rita says men
suck and they should
all die, you know.

Then she eats a pound cake.
I mean, she's crazy,
but she's not confused.

Me, I examine
every little thing.

I mean, you know,
I'm just like this.

- Shari.
- What?

You're way too terrific of
a person to be doing this
to yourself. You are.

I mean, hey, I've told
Ray a couple of times,

I think you are one of
the best and smartest

and most attractive women
that I have ever met.

I mean that.

Really?
Yeah, really.

There is nothing wrong
with you.

Uh-oh.

Kiss him! Kiss him!

Don't do it, Ed.

Don't you kiss her.
Don't you kiss her.

God!

I'm nuts, huh?
Ha! I told him.

Yes! Yes! I win!

Oh, Whitaker, you schmuck,
I am the golden goddess of
television!

Oh, my God.

Yes, you're on television.
You're on television.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

God!

Oh, wow.

Listen, Shari?
It's okay.

I just kissed
my boyfriend's brother
on television!

How is that okay?

Well,
when you put it that way,
no, it's not ideal.

Please go. Go!
Let's just talk...

All right.
We're out of here, guys.
Come on, she's right.

Son of a bitch.
What the hell
just happened?

Hey! Hey!

Come on, Ed,
you can't do this to me!

We're locked out!
We're locked out!

Oh, no, no, Carlos,
you're killing me!
Just shoot the door.

I got Mike up on the roof.

I'm coming.
I'm coming.

What are we doing?

I've got to tell you
something, Shari.
What?

I've had a big thing for you
for months, Shari.

Really?
Yeah.

I mean, I've been seeing
you going out with Ray
and you being his girlfriend,

and the whole time
I was wishing
you were my girlfriend.

See, me, too!

I am going out with Ray,
and all I can think about
is you.

I treated you like a princess!

- Oh, this is so weird.
- Yeah, it is weird.

Oh, I gotta go.

¿ Uno más?

Ray? Oh, hey, Al.
Hey, you seen Ray?
Is he around?

Hey, I'm on
television!
Yeah.

Ray was here,
but he left when he saw
you were coming over.

Shit.
Hey, that was some night
last night, kiddo.

Yeah, it damn sure was, Al.

All right,
how about Mom?
Is she around?

She's here.
She's in the bedroom.

I'd yell for her,
but I'd die.

Don't do that. Mom!

I'm right here, darling.
There's no need to shout.

That's not how
you were brought up.

Mom, what are you doing?

Hello, everybody.
Welcome to my home.

- Blanche DuBois lives.
- Mom, Mom.

I'm looking for Ray.
Listen, I've been calling him.

He won't call me back.
You know where
I can find him?

How could
you do something like that?
Your own brother's girlfriend.

It's not all my fault.
He cheated on her.

Well,
it was a mistake.
Yes, it was a mistake.

Do you know where he is?

No. Maybe he's watching.

Tell him you're sorry,
tell him that you will
stay away from that girl.

No, Ma! And that girl
has a name, okay?

What, do you love her
or something?

- Come on, Al.
- Look at that red face.

I had a car that color.
A Buick!

Aren't you excited?

He practically said
he loved you
on television.

I know.

Hi.
Hi, girls.

Wait. Take my picture.
Here, take my picture.

Go ahead, take
my picture with him.

I gotta go to work.
You understand that?

I am really gonna
get hurt this time.

There we go, girls.

I'm going to work. Bye.

Yeah, Doc, I stopped
payment on the plugs.

You gave me doll hair!

I'll hold.

Bye!

Okay, now I'll tell
you something else.
Yeah.

The old guy in
the wheelchair,
the stepfather?

Yeah.

They're gonna
have him die.

Well, that was Whitaker
on the phone.

I'm gonna have
to go scrub my ass

because he's on his way
over to kiss it.

Hey!

Hey, bring it on in,
buddy. Bring it on in.

That's right,
come on.

A little further. Come on.
All right, perfect, man.
Perfect.

Oh, I got my own
parking spot now?

It's all for you, Ed.

How's it going, man?
Good, Mark, how are you?

Come on inside.

Thanks, man.
Ed, you're the best, man.

Saw you last night.
Looking good, man.
All right.

Hey, Ed.

Oh, Ray, man.
I've been looking all
over for you, buddy.

Listen, man,
I know I got some
explaining to do.

Just let me do what
I came here to do.

What, do you want
to fight?

Cassie, come on.

This is really hard.
You promised.

Wait, what are you doing, Ray?

Go ahead.

I went out with Ray
a few years ago,

for a couple of months,

and we were intimate.

And he's really not
as bad as that girl
said he was.

I mean, I've
definitely had worse.
That's enough.

I think we did
what we came here for.
Wow.

Goodbye, brother.
No, come on, Ray!

Vindicated!

Ray, what are you...

Okay, I'm in the bathroom.
Go ahead.

Ed, sorry
we're calling you so late.

It's just that this is
the only time we get to
talk to you off camera.

No, it's cool,
Cynthia, I was up.

Ed, why didn't you
go see Shari today, man?

That's what everybody
was hoping you'd do.

Well, you know, I mean,
I wanted to, but...

Is it about Ray?
Because Ray is
not a problem.

And he cheated on Shari.

That's right, Ed.
Viewers don't like Ray.
The research says females...

No, hey, guys,
it's not Ray. Okay?

Hey, Cynthia?

Yes, Ed?

You got a second?
Can I talk to you
alone for a second?

Absolutely. Yeah.
Why don't you guys
take off?

I'll see you all
in the morning.
Okay. I'll talk to...

Okay, see you later.
All right,
I'll see you later.

Goodbye. All right.
See you later.

Ed, how's it going?

I'm good, you know. I'm good.
Everything's cool.

Did you decide
you don't really like
Shari that much?

No! No, no, no.
That's not it at all.

Oh, I like Shari plenty,
okay? I mean, Shari is...

Oh, man, Shari's great.

Yeah?

Look, Cynthia,
how's this gonna work?

I mean, what,
are we gonna date on TV?
She's not gonna like that.

You know, and I...

Ed, if you don't call her,
you're not really giving her
a choice.

Okay.

Ed?
What?

Can I give you some
advice about women?

Sure.

Women want
to be pursued.

Yes, but...

Ed?
Huh?

What would Burt do?

Oh, this is so exciting.
A real celebrity
delivering my figs.

Yeah. Okay, if you would
just sign right here, please.

Ray's a pig.
That Ed is a doll.
You latch onto him, honey.

Okay. Please sign right
there in the black area.

You know, it wouldn't
kill you to use a little
more makeup on television.

You look a little
washed out.

Okay. What do I actually
have to do to get you to
sign this?

Uh-huh. On television
a minute, and already
you got an attitude.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

Hi.

What are you doing?
I missed you.

Really?

Uh...

Wow.

I've never seen you
in uniform before.

Yeah, well.

It's really
quite a turnoff.

Thank you.

Listen, Sunday night
at the Sharks game,

I'm gonna be driving
the Zamboni.

The what?

You now,
that big machine that
cleans the ice, you know.

Uh-huh.
It's quite an honor.

Will you go with me?

Look, I know
this is weird,
Shari, but...

I don't want to wait.

I don't.

I really think we might
have something here.

Don't you?

Oh, these are for you.
Thank you.

So, will you be
my Zamboni date?

Huh?

Yes.
All right.

Yes!

Cynthia, this is great.
This is exploitable!
This is perfect.

Yeah, well...

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ed Pekurny!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Where's my girl?
Where's my girl?
There she is!

Shari!

Let's go, Ed!

There are girls

just ripe for some kissin'

And I mean

To kiss me a few

Man, those chicks don't know
what they're missin'

Ow! Don't kick me
in the shin.

Don't make fun of him!

Sizzlin' steaks

All ready for tastin'

Oh, my God.
Ed, look!

- Hey, it's Ed!
- Hey, it's Ed!

Good evening, Ken.
How's it going?

How's it going?

The girl I'm seeing
is dancing with
that guy right there.

Good night.

Oh, my God, it's Ed!

Eddie!

You're the man, Ed!
You're the man, Ed!

My man Ed! Ed!

Look at this.
How cool is this?

He's a Beatle.
Well, he's not a Beatle,
but he's a Spice Girl.

Or a... Or a Beanie Baby.

He's Menudo!

Hey, Shari, lucky lady!
I want to be on TV with you.

Look right over there
at that monitor.

Stop it!
Who do you think you are?

Stop it!

Shari!

Shari!

Hold on, I got you.
Back off!

You okay, babe?

Okay,
we're gonna take
a break now.

Are you okay?
Mmm-hmm.

Wow. You went down.
I lost an earring.

You think you can
go out and get it?

Yeah, I'll get it.
No, no. Okay,
I'm just kidding.

You're kidding?
Just kidding.
Would you really do that?

Yeah, I'd do that. I mean,
if you wanted your earring.

Oh, wow. That's
the new camera truck, huh?

Look at
my enormous head.

Anyway, Cynthia,
last night,
that was scary.

Listen. Listen.
Don't worry that.

That won't happen again.
We're getting you security.

Good.

I have some news
for you.

What's that?

We're, uh, picking up
Ed TV for another month.

Whoa, say that again.

We're picking you up
for another month.

That means a balloon payment
and a big raise next month.

You're telling me
that balloon payment,
I'm going to get that?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Thank you! Oh, man!
This is so incredible.

Cynthia, this is amazing!

Yes! Another month
and a balloon payment!

Ray! Ray,
if you're watching...

Who the hell would be
watching this?

Did you hear this?
Did you hear this?

I got the payment, buddy.
I got the payment.
This money's for you!

All right? To pay back
that loan! Huh?

It's for you, brother!
Come on!

What do we do when
we're happy? What do we
do when we're happy?

Chicken dance, baby.
The chicken dance.

Huh?

Come on.
I know you're doing it
wherever you are, brother.

If I was doing it,
I wouldn't do it like that.

I'm on
for another month.

Everybody back up,
please. Please!

Please, clear
a path to the car.

Four weeks ago,
no one in America had ever
heard of Ed Pekurny.

Today, this 31-year-old
video store clerk

has become something of
an American icon,
a national obsession.

Honestly?

I try not to go
to the bathroom until Ed
goes to the bathroom,

so I don't miss anything.

I don't know.
The idea just came to me.

Sure, it came to you,
because I brought it to you.

You know, I'm not a guy
who works by committee.
I'm a one-man show.

What do you guys
think about Shari?

She's needy!
I don't like her.

She's too tall.
It's, like, abnormal.

Yeah.
She creeps me out.

She's always,
"Get away! Get away!"

I mean, who does
she think she is?

I know! And she's so bony!

Oh, well, to me,
this Shari's like
nothing, right?

She's not even hot.
I mean, Ed's a celebrity.

If that was me,
I'd be dating the goods.

There's like
something wrong with her.
She's definitely not hot.

Not hot, not hot. No way.

She is
a heat-free being.

Hello? Hi, here you go.

Oh, hi. Yeah.
I've been waiting for this.
Thank you.

Y'all watching
Ed TV, right?
Sign right here, please.

What's up with Shari?
You know,
Ed's girlfriend Shari?

What is up with that bitch?

Ed, honey, look.

Ed, when you get tired
of that skanky ho,

come see me, baby.

Check out the moves!
Watch this one.

Oh, oh!
She's down.

Get out of here.

Shari!
Shari!

Hi.
Come pile on!
Set down the groceries.

Come here!

Where are you going, baby?

No. We're not gonna
do it today, Shari.

I'm gonna go
and get ready.

Baby. Hey, is
everything all right?

No! My truck broke down,
and I got stuck in the rain.

I called the company,
and no one came to get me.

- Rita!
- Just a second.

Don't they give you
a hat?

Some dorky kid stole it
as a souvenir.

Oh... That sucks.

I got to tell you.
I'm kind of glad
he did, Shari,

'cause god damn
you look sexy.

Ed, I don't want to be
on television anymore.

Shari, how's that
gonna work?

I have been trying, okay?

But maybe we should
just hold off
on seeing each other

until you are done
with all of this.

You're out of
there, baby!

I knew it was
gonna happen, dude!
I told you!

Okay, that's a little
extreme, isn't it?

I can't take it
anymore, Ed.

I have no privacy.

Oh...

I mean, even now I'm crying,
and I can't stop,
and they won't leave.

And now it's gonna
be another month!

Everybody hates me.
Nobody hates you, baby.
Why are you...

Who hates you?
A poll, Ed!

USA Today "Is Shari
good enough for Ed?"

71% of the people said no.

Who cares what
they say, you know?
I don't care.

Well, you know, I do care.
You know what?
Shame on everybody!

She's crying over here,
and it's all your fault.

At least the 71% of you.
The other...

Twenty-nine.

29%.

You're smart! See,
isn't she smart?
I mean...

God, she's sexy
with the wet hair
and everything.

And she's funny.
You know that?

She's really funny, too.
She really is!

Shari, do that love coroner
skit that you did for me at
the pool hall that time.

It's so...great.
It's great. Okay?
Okay, baby? You set?

Okay, back up,
get a wide shot of this.
Get a wide shot. Okay.

All right, baby,
remember...

That's the punch line,
all right?

You got a whole
runway over there.

Come on,
are you set to pop?

All right,
ones and twos, and
look right here.

What are you doing?

Do the thing.
Do, like, the skit.

You want me
to entertain
your audience?

What is this, Ed?
An audition to be
your girlfriend,

because I'm not good
enough for you?

No, Shari,
that's not it!
Come on, Shari!

Psycho chick.
Damaged goods, bro.
Do not accept, man.

Man, this is stupid.
"Is Shari good enough
for Ed?"

Who the hell am I, huh?
Who do you think
I should be dating?

There's a list!

Really?

Ed?

God damn.

Now, Ed,
the whole Shari thing,
is that over?

You guys gonna be
showing up on
the History Channel?

What?
What's happening?

No, we're just...
We're on hold.
On hold?

What, is she a phone call?
Is she listening
to Yanni music?

You're gonna get back to her?
Who puts a woman on hold?

What is that all about?
No, we're just...

You know, we're gonna
wait till this is over,

and then we're gonna
pick it back up.

I guess,
this is the famous Carlos
who follows you everywhere?

You know what
I wanted to ask you,

what is this
chicken dance thing?

The chicken dance.
Y'all know
the chicken dance?

Okay, so let's do it!

Have I got it?
Is this how you do it?

You gotta get
your butt out there.
This is a lot of fun.

Ed Pekurny! We'll be
right back, right after this.

Yeah,
yeah, thank you.

Hey, can I have
another hat for my dad?

Ed, I've got your car
ready right here, man.
Cool.

Hey, can you get us
a couple of sodas for
the ride to the airport?

Yeah. What do you want?
Coke or Pepsi?

Uh... Pepsi.

Can I talk to you
for a second, man?
Yeah.

What's up?
My name is Shane.

Hey, Shane.
What's this, man?
How you doing?

This is a tape
of my band, man.

I thought that maybe
you could play it on
your show.

Oh, man, come on.

One of the guys
is blind.

All right,
I'll give it a listen.

Hey, the name of the band is
Not All Of Us Can See.

Really terrific name.
Not All Of Us Can See.

Not All Of You Can See.
What the hell is that, man?

For the love of sweet...

- Jesus Christ!
- Really.

Hi.
Hi.

Um, I just wanted to say
I really love your show.

- I think you're great.
- Oh, thank you.

That's a really cool
thing to say. I'm Ed.

And you must be John?

I'm trying to remember,
all right.

Well, I'm Jill.
I'm from San Francisco, too.

Right. The Bay Area.
Yes, I can tell
by the accent.

Oh, I'm just joshing you.

So, what are you
doing here?

Oh, well, I just flew down
to audition, um, for a skit.

All right.

I'm a model and sort
of an actress, so...

Um...

It was really...
It was nice meeting you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
No, you, too.

Yeah.

They were supposed
to send a car for me

to take me to
the airport, but, um...

I'll tell you what.
We got a...

We're going to
the airport right now.
Got a limo outside.

Why don't you...
Why don't you
ride with us?

Oh. Yeah,
that'd be great.

Thanks.
You're welcome.

All right.
All right.

Excuse me.
Coming through.

Take all
you want, man. It's free.

Tawny.

Oh...

Hey, Carlos.

These go in
the nude picture pile.

What do we got here?

Oh, this is cute.

This goes in
the psychopath pile.

Oh.

Hope it's not this guy.

Be right there!

Hello.

Hey, Moe,
what's going on?

Hey, Ed,
this guy says
he knows you.

Hey.
Hey.

How you doing?

You don't recognize me?

Dad?

Yeah. Yeah.

Did you do this?
Did you find him?
No way.

Come on... Come on in.

Yeah, okay.

God damn.

Everybody,
this is Hank,
he's, uh, my dad.

Oh, this just keeps
getting better, doesn't it?

So, what you're saying,
Ma, is that everything
he told me yesterday

was a lie.
Yes.

Practically.

What do you mean
"practically," Ma?

Either you threw him
out or he ran away.
Which one is it?

I need to replace
the coil.

He ran away after
I threw him out.

How much is one
of those new coils?
150 bucks.

So, he was telling
the truth.

Should I go ahead?

Yes.
Yes to me, or yes
to the coil, Mom?

Both.
Oh, shit.

Eddie, look,
he had girlfriends. Okay?

He told me he had
this one girl...

I really do not need
to relive this on
national television.

I am your mother.

Yes, you are.
Do not humiliate me
like this!

I'm not trying
to humiliate you.

I don't need this!
Go away!

Eddie?

Make this one out
to Dr. Rumpley.

Maybe this son of a bitch
won't keep me waiting an hour.

Damn urologists think
they run the world.

She does
this every time.

All right. Do you want
to know the truth?
Yeah.

I took you and Ray
and Marcia to my sister's on
the train for the weekend.

You all came down
with chicken pox,

and so I took you home
a day early.

And, uh, I walked in,
and there was your father

with another woman
in our bed. Okay!

Chicken pox.
Ma, I was six when
I had chicken pox,

and Dad didn't
leave until I was 12.

Well, he apologized.

What do you mean
"he apologized, " Mom?

He begged me.

He got down
on his knees
and he begged me.

Well, Mom, you told me that
you had a hysterectomy

and that he ran off
with your nurse.

She could've been a nurse.

What do you mean,
could've been a nurse?

She had white shoes.

So does Grandma!
You know, so does
Shaquille O'Neal!

That's good.
Well,
what's the difference?

Mom, the difference is
that for 20 years I've
been thinking one thing

and now it's turned out to
be a whole different thing!

Eddie.

He was no good to me.
Don't you remember
the way it was?

Don't you remember
the way he used
to scream at me?

And then no job was ever
good enough for him.

"Small potatoes."

"Small potatoes."
You remember, Al?

Al?

Mom...

You told me
you didn't know Al
until after Dad left.

Holy shit.

You and Al were...

And that's why
you threw Dad out.
There it is!

Oh, finally the truth after
20 goddamn years, Mom?

He had another woman
in my bed, Eddie!

And how dare
you call him "Dad"
in front of Al.

Al is your father.

This is the one
who was there for you

when you really
needed someone.
Ow!

You're hurting me.

Oh, Mom.

Don't blame your mother.
I was irresistible.

Come on in.

How are you doing?

All right.
All right.

You?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I'm fine.

I guess you came up here
to check on your inheritance,
did you?

Come right over here.
You sit right down there.

There you go.

All right. Thank you.
Yeah.

Well, this is, uh,

quite a shithole,
ain't it?

Oh, it could be,
if you fixed it up.

Jeanette, you better
take a look at this.

Coming.

Oh, boy.

You know, it is really nice
of you to come up here.

You know, a million times
I wanted to see you kids,
but, um, well

I mean, your mom,
she told me to stay away.

And I had to respect
her wishes.

Can I ask you something?
Anything.

What happened, Pop?
I mean...

How'd you end up
like this?

Well, you know,
life is funny,
that's all.

I mean, I can't tell
you how many times if

just one little thing
that I needed
would've happened...

Well, everything
would've changed.
I'll tell you that.

But, I don't
make excuses.

And I don't hold grudges.

You and me, we had
some good times together,
though, didn't we? Huh?

Remember the time that
we drove down to Houston
for the weekend

and we saw the Astros
and the Dodgers play?

We stayed in a motel,
it was just you and me.

And you hopped
from bed to bed.

Hell, I remember
that just like
it was yesterday.

I remember
everything you said
and everything you did.

That was Ray, Pop.
Hmm?

You took
Ray to Houston.

It wasn't me.
I had to stay home
with Mom and Marcia.

That's right. Ray.

Ray was
the older one.

Still is.

Yeah.

Well...

Isn't
that something?

Damn the mind!

You know, I gotta go, Pop.

I got a thing across
town I gotta get to.

Sure, son.
Sure. Sure.

You know what?
All right. Listen.

This is my pop.
All right?

And if there's
anybody out there
that can help him out

I don't know,
get him a job
or something.

I drove a limo
for a while.

I'll help you out.
All right? I'll mention
your business on the air...

I don't have
a valid license, Ed.

We'll figure
something out.
All right?

All right.
Ed.

Yeah.

I am truly sorry.

That's good, Pop.
Sorry's good.

As soon as
we're perpendicular to Earth,
I'll start the engines again.

What about the disk?

Oh, God. All right, all right.

Hi.
Hi.

They're not here.
How's that?

Well, I snuck out.

Do you want
to take a drive?

Sure.
Okay.

Now,
Pop's hustling me
for a job.

I mean, it's like
my entire family, Shari.

It's like they're from
their own little galaxy.

Ed.

Every family's crazy.

Yeah, but...
No, I mean,

if it was my family on TV...

Oh, my God! I'd just
have to kill myself!

How about us?
We're doing all right,
aren't we?

I saw that girl

come on to you at
The Tonight Show.

What girl?
That model.

Oh, wait a minute.
Shari, that was nothing.

I mean, look it, I was
leaving, she needed
a ride to the airport,

so I offered her a ride.

Wait a minute. Hey. Hey.

I want you.

Shari,

I don't want anybody else.

Really?

Yeah.

It's you I want.

Bro! Breasts!

Huh? Where?

- Come on!
- Ed, help!

Come on, guys. Don't.

Come on!

She left?

Yeah. She asked for
a transfer to another city,
and she left.

I mean,
someone put her breasts
on the Internet.

Oh, Christ!
She couldn't
take it anymore.

We have people living
in our hallway,

going through
our trash, reporters.

So, she...

Not even good-bye?
Nothing?

Boy, you know...

I mean, when it starts
to go wrong,

there's, like, nothing
you can do to stop it.

You know, because, Rita,
I don't think I could've
tried any harder.

I don't.

Do you?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You see? You see?

You see that?

Hi, Ed.

- Oh, honey, hi.
- What are you doing?

I know this might
seem a little unusual.

How'd you get
in my apartment?

Well, I had to be
a little stealthy
about the whole thing.

What is she holding?

Ed's underwear.

Get out of my house.
I can explain everything...

Keep my underwear!

I love you,
and I want to marry you, Ed.

See? Now,
that's television. Huh?

All right. Now what?
Where do we go from here?

Didn't we order lunch
like an hour ago?

Yes, Chinese.
Good. Good.

So, now,
what do we have Ed do next?
Come on, springboards, ideas.

Notions! Cynthia?

We could
help him find Shari.
No, no, no.

Enough of her.
I hate her,
audiences hate her.

Let's just bury her
and move on.

Tell him
I'll call him back.

Excuse me. Do you know who
the audience is requesting
a lot of is that girl Jill

that he met on
The Tonight Show.
She really scored.

Well, let's get her.
Let's make this happen.

What are we cocking
around here for?

Cynthia, do something.
Get on the phone.

Is lunch literally
coming from China?
I don't understand it.

Remember when you
were interviewing me

and you asked me
if I had a dream?

And I said, "Well,
sure I got a dream.

"I just don't know
what it is yet."

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
great line. Try to work
that into the show.

What if
Shari's the dream?

Now, come on, Ed.

You're beating
yourself up for nothing.
You knew her history.

When the going gets tough,
Shari gets going.

As far away as possible.
She's...

She's one of those
I'll-dump-you-before-
you-dump-me chicks.

Yeah, but what if we
could get UPS to tell us
where they sent her?

You know? And then
I could go visit her,

and, hell, we could
even move the show
there for a while.

Ed, if you want this thing
to work with her,

the best thing
you can do right now is
to give her some space.

Maybe even, uh,
see other people.

Whoa, whoa!

What do you mean?
Like, right away,
Cynthia? No.

No, no, I...
Ed, you're a star.

But, you know,
celebrities like you,

Tom Cruise or whoever,
you have a responsibility.

I don't think your fans are
gonna be too thrilled
sitting around watching you

have a major case
of the mopeys.

They've got 200 channels
to choose from.

And it's not like
you're giving up Shari.

My sister was going
with a guy.

They hit a little rough spot,

started seeing other people,
they got back together.

Last month they had
their third child,
for what it's worth.

Twenty-two! Thirty-two!

Hey, two,
stay with the quarterback.
One, you got the iso on Ed.

He breaks to the inside.
I think he's
got a step on him!

Hey, Shecky,
you lost the feed.

Ed! Hey, Ed!
Get up!
You lost the feed!

Hey, Jill.

Oh, Eddie, what are you
doing to me? Look alive!

You guys go ahead.
I'll be back, sometime.

Ed, where you going?
Let's get the game going!

- No, it's not.
- It's a set-up.

It's a set-up.

I'm gonna
ask Cynthia.

Come on,
it's such a set-up.

Did you arrange this?

Whose dog is that?

- Out for a walk.
- Walking your dog?

- That's your dog.
- What's your dog's name?

Um, Ginger.

Nielsen looks pretty
good on TV, huh?
Yeah.

Hey, man.
Way to go, Ed!

Picture's worth $1,000.

That's delicious.

Smile, baby!

Do you really
think she likes him?

She doesn't give
a crap about him.

You want us to kiss? Ed.

He should be
a model or something.

He's gorgeous.

Hey, listen.
Should we, um...

Oh! Oh, jeez!

It's, uh...

Listen, Jill, it's getting
kind of late. I mean...

Is he kidding?

What are you doing
tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night.
I got a...

I got a thing... No,
that's not tomorrow night.

Well, listen.

Why don't you come
around here and, um,

I can make you dinner,
and maybe you could
bring a video and...

Well, you know,
we can make
a night of it. Hmm?

Hmm.

Stay behind the barricade.

Go, go, go.

Holy shit!

I'm starting to feel
a little pressure.

Think he's gonna do it?
Hell, yeah.

The guy hasn't had
sex in six weeks.
What, like we have?

Yeah.

We'll park
your car for you, Ed.
Save your strength.

Get out of the way.

Ed, Ed, Ed.

Hi.
Hi.

Jill! Jill!

Come on in.

Oh, wow.

Look at you!
Thanks.

Those boobs are so fake.

She's such a slut.
Total slut.

Big, big crowd tonight.

I know. They've been
there for hours.

Ed?
Yeah.

Do you want to come
have a little nibble?

What...

Oh.

Yeah. Sure.

Hey!

Here, baby.

I thought you had a dog.

Huh? Oh.

No, that was a friend's.
I've just got lovely Isabella.

Hey, baby.

Yes. Good girl.
Come on. Down you go.

Good girl.

Wow!

Good?

Mmm-hmm.

Uh, Mr. President?

I love her!

Get out of the way!
I love her! I love her!

Wow!

Hot damn! We are
go for sex, people.

I love this show, bro.

Is this okay, Cynthia?

Don't leave yet.
This is cable.
I want you to stay with him.

Oh, my.

What's he doing?

Ed, are you okay?

Something broke my fall.

Oh!

Oh!

Please, let me through.

Is it bad? Please, is it bad?

I think she
just broke her leg.

Excuse me. My back's
a little sore, all right?
I didn't break it.

I can walk.
We're just taking
you in for an X-ray.

The thing got,
what, the highest
ratings of the year.

Higher than the Super Bowl.

That's kind of
the same thing, isn't it?

A big build-up, and then
one team just can't perform.

And all that boy did was
hurt that little girl's pussy.

I'm talking about her cat.
I'm talking about the cat.

If Ed had been a star,

if he had really,
kind of, given a terrific

performance that night,

you know, the American people
would've loved him,
but he failed us.

He basically failed us.
He failed us as a man.

Look at this.

She did not. She did
not break my heart.

All right, look,
I understand
that I'm fair game,

but just tell it like it is.

She was a hot-looking chick.
I get that, man,
but I knew the score.

"Broke my heart."

You know what Jill did?

Jill went out to LA

and got one of those scandal
agents that handle, like,

Joey Buttafuoco,
Kato Kaelin and
Gennifer Flowers.

Oh, my God,
he wrote a book.

He never even
read a book, man.

What's your feeling
about the meaning,
if any, of Ed TV?

Well, Harry, I feel
that Ed is the apotheosis

of a prevailing
American syndrome.

It used to be that people
were famous for being special.

Now they're
considered special,
merely for being famous.

You see that fame
has become a moral good

in this country.
It's its own virtue.

All right.

We thought since
we have Ray Pekurny

on the panel today,
we'll talk about his book.

It is called My
Brother Pissed On Me.

Is that a metaphorical title,
or did your brother
actually piss on you?

I put everything in
the book. Everything.

All this is in the book.

I'll be honest,
I have not read the book,
because it looks stupid.

Um...

What?

I'm just saying that

maybe we should start thinking
about when we want to
take him off the air.

Why? What are you talking
about "take him off the air"?

He just got out
of the hospital.

He's fine. The cat's fine.

The ratings are
higher than ever.

Well, you know. It's like
when you're chewing gum
and blowing a bubble.

Oh, good, a metaphor.
Right.

And the bubble
keeps getting bigger

and bigger and
you've got to decide.

When do you suck it in?
Or, if you don't,

it explodes and then
you've got gum face.

Cynthia.

I started out as
an associate producer
on Good Morning, Fresno.

And I didn't get
from there to here

by worrying about
getting gum in my face.

All I'm saying is
I think we've peaked.

And all I'm saying is,
you don't know your
ass from a toboggan.

We're gonna stay with the boy
for another month.

And you know how
I know I'm right?

Because I'm driving
the big car,

and you're driving
the little car.

Ed, you put anybody
on television 16 hours a day,

at some point
they're gonna wind up
rolling off a table

and squashing a cat.

No, man,
that's not my point.

All right, look.

With no privacy,
there is no dignity.

Capisce?

Nice.

- Hello?
- Eddie?

Eddie?

Mom?

Eddie, I'm in the hospital.

All right. What...
Mom. Mom, what happened?

Eddie, it's Dad.

He's dead.
He had a heart attack.

Did I tell you he was
gonna die? Did I say?
Huh? Huh? Come on.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
I'm looking for my mother.
My name's Ed Pekurny.

- Mr. Pekurny? I'm Dr. Geller.
- Yeah?

Hi.

Your mother's just
lying down for a minute.

We gave her something
to calm her down.

Okay. Good.
Thank you. Can I see her?

Why don't you just
give her a minute?
She'll be right out.

Why don't you sit
over here for a second?

What happened to him?
Did he...

Did he suffer any,
or was it quick?

It was very quick.

Between you and me,
it's not a bad way to go.

How's that?

Making love to your wife.

It's very sweet.

They were making love
when he had a heart attack?

According to your mother.

Eddie, thank God you're here.

How's your mother?
Al!

What's going on?
Thought he was dead.

How'd you get here?

The neighbors drove me over.
The worst goddamn driver.

What are you doing here?

Where's Jeanette?

I thought you
said he was dead?

Who?
Al!

No, no. No, the deceased
is Henry Pekurny.

Good twist.

This is beautiful.
I love this!
What?

Don't you get it?
No.

The mother was
shtupping the ex-husband.

You thought it was me?

Well, yeah. Al.

It was your father, Hank.

Your mother went
to see him, and he

suddenly dropped
dead of a heart attack.

Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack
wants to see you.

Oh. Excuse me.

Could I have your autograph?
It's for my niece.

Al. How did you...

The Burkharts drove me over.

Are you all right?
I'm fine. I...

Good. I gotta pee.

Wish me luck.

Hey.

Mom.

All right. What happened, Mom?

Oh, Eddie, it was horrible.

He called me up.
Who?

Hank.

He said he
wanted to talk to me.

He wanted to apologize
for everything.

And I went over to this
horrible place where
he was staying, and I...

I just felt
so sorry for him.

So you had sex with him?

What?

The doctor told me
you were having sex.
He told me.

To you in front of them?
Yeah, Mom.

He assumed Hank
was your husband.
You know, common sense.

My God! On TV!
Mom, why? How?

One thing
led to another.

He was my husband once.
But, Al is your husband now.

You think it's been easy
for me all these years?

Al can't have sex!

Apparently,
neither can Hank, Mom.

Let's recap this
whole thing, all right?

The mother's too
good at it, right?

Both brothers stink at it.

The stepfather
can't do it at all.

And the father did it,
but it killed him.

How the hell did
this family reproduce?

How did they even get here?

This is worse than
all the daily tabloid
television that exists.

Isn't the appeal
of this show now,

that everybody's
got a skeleton
in their closet?

Yeah, but how
many skeletons can
one family have?

No, I think our
country is saying,
"We've had enough of this."

Let's get back to
the way TV used to be.

How you doing, boy?

How was the service?

It was all right.

His parole officer
said some lovely
words and...

Once again I was
reminded the end is near.

Sorry you couldn't
come in, kiddo,

but, for some reason,
the family feels

they're not coming off
so well on TV.

You and Mom
are gonna work things
out, aren't you?

I'm moving out.

No, Al, what do you mean
you're moving out?

I'm gonna be
living with my brother.

He's not in such
good shape as me,

but I'm looking
forward to the pillow fights.

Hank.

You know, Hank was
always good with the ladies.

Always good-looking.

Hell, he's been dead
for two days, he still
looks better than me.

I want to tell
you something, Al.

You know, Hank, he...

You're my father, Al.

Take care of
yourself, huh?

You know I will.

I guess, that's when
you know the head, it's...

Different.

You have
done it! I've had it!

Hey, hey, Crockett.
Ease up, man.

Ease up? He just devoured
my entire Buddy
Holly collection!

What is it with you?

How would you
like it if somebody

chewed up your
personal belongings?

See this blanket?
You see this?

Elvis loves this blanket.
It's his most favorite
thing in the whole...

- Three more months?
- Yeah, absolutely.

Ed TV's more popular than
ever. The resurgence in
interest is astounding.

And, of course,
this means another big
bonus payment for you.

Ed, have you
thought about moving
in with your mother?

I mean, she's all alone now.
I'm sure she could
use your support.

You know, we're not as dumb
as you people think we are.

I'm taking what little
dignity there is left,

and I quit.

Can somebody
validate my parking here?

Ed, I'm afraid
that's not possible.

Okay, Mr. Big Network.
I'll pay for it myself.

No, I mean, you can't quit.

The hell I can't.
Look it, I just did.

I know, Ed, but you see,

you agreed to stay on the air
as long as we asked you to.

The station entered into this
with that understanding.

Now, if you had
refused up front,

well, we would have
done this with somebody else.

You can't just
change the rules

in the middle
of the game, son.

It's just not fair.

Listen, if you don't let
me out of this now, I...

I'm gonna go home,
and stick my thumb
up my butt, all right?

Sit on my ass and
not do a damn thing.

I won't go anywhere.

What kind of show
does that sound like?

Uh, not too good.

No, not too good.
No, you see, that's why

it states very specifically
in your contract

that if you don't continue
to live a normal life...

Well, then you're
in breach. See?

And you're liable
for all the station's
financial losses.

I'll get this.

Autograph, please?

Ed, come on out!

Shari.

Oh, my God.

Move! Excuse me!

Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Shari!

Shari!

Watch it! Watch it!

Who's got the shot? Come on.
Who's got the shot?

Just give it to me.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.

Come on, he's on the move!
Go! Go! Go!

We got him! We got him!

Fire it up. We're rolling.

Keep the microwave
high, Shecky.

Come on.

Get up! Get up!

Come on, come on,
he's getting away.

Hi. Hi, one, please.

Excuse me.

Hey!

Give me one.

I'm looking for
a girl, tall...
Bad wig?

Yeah.
Theater 3. Your
ticket, your ticket.

Oh!
Watch it! Watch it!

Shari, are you okay?
I'm sorry.

Shari!

Shari?

- Shari?
- It's not me.

Well, it sounds like you.

Well, it's not.
Now, go away.

I thought you moved.

I just came for my
brother's birthday.

What, in a disguise?

I wanted to see
you, but I didn't
want you to see me.

Oh, Shari, listen to me.
I know why you left.

Everyone knows why,
Ed. I told you why.

No, no, you said it
was because of the TV.

But I don't believe that.

I mean, look at us.

You know, we've been
with people before,
and it didn't work out.

And none of it
was on TV, Shari.

None of it.

You and me...

We've been burned.

You know, and we're scared.

And that's why you left.

And that's why,

I didn't do a damn
thing to stop you.

Shari?

All right.

Oh!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Well...

All right,
listen, you stay here.

I'm leaving. These
guys are coming with me.

I don't know what
the hell I'm going to do,

but I'll figure something out
so we can be together.

Okay?
Okay.

Let's go, guys.

No, Mike. Follow Shari.

Mike, Shecky, come on.

We can't.

Mike, Shecky, I'm leaving.
You're supposed
to follow me. Let's go.

Give him room.

Hi, Ed.
Why the hell are they
still following Shari?

Well, it's their new
concept since the...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on here?
Why is my family on TV?

Like I was saying,
it's a new concept.

See, since Shari
and your family all
signed releases,

we're allowed to
follow them on camera

even though
you're not with them.

So, you see, we go with
whoever's the most exciting.

See, and right now, look.

You see, it's you, see, and...

Oh, uh...

Me.

You can't do this.

I'm not a lawyer.

I'm just a guy who
eats three meals
a day in this truck.

You got to get
them off the air.
This is not part of the deal.

I don't give a goddamn.
Make the call, man.

Make the call. Get 'em off.

Look, Ed, you
know, this is...

I'll get 'em off.
Hey! Hey!

Ed! Ed!

Ed, come on!
Ed, if you break the truck...

If you break the truck,
they'll charge you for it.

They'll have a new
one here in 15 minutes.

Ten.

Come on, Ed.
This is crazy.

Hey, hey.

They got you, man.

Just go home.

Go home, Gomer!

Ed, this is crazy. Come on.

You know what?

They're right.

This is a great idea.

My family is interesting.

I mean, hell, look at 'em.

But everybody's
interesting, right?

I bet you that
wacky little group

that owns this network,
that I had the meeting with.

I bet they're pretty
goddamn interesting, too,
don't you think?

Huh?

I'll bet they are.

Oh, yeah, I bet they are.
I'll bet you $10,000 they are.

Yeah.

I ought to loosen up
a little bit, shouldn't I?

Let's have a little
fun with this thing.

All right, let's really blow
it out. Let's have a contest.

Who can dig up

the most embarrassing
and humiliating information
on any of the executives

of the NorthWest
Broadcast Company,

which owns this
station, True TV.

'Cause after all,
why should anyone

have any privacy, right?

So I want anything.

Anything from
their past, their present,

business, personal,
you name it.

Man, if it's dirty and
it's true, we want it.

Whoever brings the sleaziest

and most degrading
material to me,

I'm gonna pay you

$10,000.

Yeah!

I love this guy!

And tonight at 9:00,
I'll announce
the big winner, all right?

Now, you're gonna
need my home number,
all right?

Call me any time, all right?

And if you get in right
now, I'm gonna throw
in a little bonus.

You're gonna get a free book
by author Ray Pekurny,

entitled My
Brother Pissed On Me.

All right, America.
Come on, baby.
Let's start digging.

This is ridiculous.
How can this be legal?

It's illusion.
It's slander.

Not technically.

Because he is not
showing a reckless
disregard for the truth.

Oh, come on!
What are you saying?

At 9:00 he can say
whatever he wants
about us?

That is ridiculous.
There has got to be

some way we can
shut this hillbilly up.

Hey, I've got an idea.
What?

Let's not shut him up.

Let's get him to push
it to Sunday when
the audience is bigger,

promote it for
the next five days,

I mean, really hype it
because it's
a ratings grabber.

Which is all that counts,
really, so run with it.

You were right, I was wrong.

See, Ed TV is going
to be bigger than ever.

Cynthia, another word
and you may
consider yourself fired.

Uh-oh.

Can you give me a hint?
What word? Um... Asshole?

Shithead? Would that...
Is that one word
or two, though?

I never can remember that.

Shithead. Anyway, listen.

It has been a real
pleasure working for you.
I have loved it.

Loved it, loved it,
loved it.

Loved it.

So, you're saying,
he didn't tip you?
Well, maybe you're not hot.

Yeah. Uh...

Look, I gotta go.
My brother's here.

Look, we
gotta settle this.

All right, man.

They're gonna fight.

Maybe they'll kill each other.
That's at least an ending.

Okay, settled.
Yeah, great.

That's it?
What was that?

Some brotherly...

Southern brotherly thing.

Here you go.
You weren't gonna swing.
Were you ready to swing?

I was ready
to throw it there.

Hey, you know,
good thing I was here.

You got all kinds of calls.

This is not good.
This is not a good thing.

Would 40 of these kill me?

What if we compromised?

Asked him to stay
on two more weeks
and then kick him off.

Ah, phone.
All right, here we go.

Hello.

Is this Ed?
Yes, it is. Who's this?

I've got some
information for you.

It's better than
anything you've got.

Okay, I'm here.

I got this from one
of the secretaries
that works at the network.

Got a little blitzed
at the Christmas party.

Listen carefully.
I'm only gonna say this once,

'cause talking this way
is really hurting my throat.

Can anyone see
what he's writing?

"Duck"?

Did anybody do
anything with a duck?

Jesus, I'd hate to be stuck
in a foxhole with this group.

There's not a full-grown
pair of testicles among you.

Uh, sir, I...

Hey, look, whatever
little embarrassments

he comes up with,
we'll spin it.

This guy is gonna
stay on TV until he dies.

Relax!

Okay. Yes.
I got it. Thank you.

Well?
I think we've got a winner.

Rayford?

All right, 9:00 yet?

Er, 9:01.

9:01, 9:01,
got it.

Okay.

I don't know how
many of you out there
are paying attention right now

but for those of you who
are, I think we just
got the winner. Whoo!

Okay, how many of you know

what a penile implant is?

Well, as it's explained
to me, what happens is,

you get two cylinders,
one, two and
they are inserted

into the shaft.

Now, to get an erection,
what this man does is,

he squeezes this pump,
and it forces a fluid

that goes in the
cylinders into the shaft.

And voilà,
you've got your stiffie.

You're good to go.
So, who's this lucky guy?

I mean, who is this
True TV executive

who can now get his
Johnson to head north
anytime he wants?

Well, I'm gonna tell you
who the lucky man is now.

Tell us, brother!

All right then.

Here we go.

The man of the hour is Mr...

Whoo!

True TV regrets
to inform our audience that

due to circumstances
beyond our control

Ed TV will no
longer be presented.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Who's the guy
with the phony...

What do they expect
us to do now?

Look...

I don't know who he
was talking about.

I don't even know
whether or not it was true.

But he was about
to name one of you,
and I'll be damned

if I'll have one of my people
humiliated on public...

I mean, not that
there's anything to be

embarrassed about,
I mean, if it's true.

The point is,
it's a normal medical...

What the hell
are you looking at,
you redheaded putz?

Pack it up and
go on home now.
Leave me in peace.

Don't come back
now, you hear?

Well...

Back to infomercials.

Hey, I'm on TV! Look at me!

- Yeah, right here!
- Hi, Mom!

So Ed is no longer on TV.
Sam, how did he make out?

Ed made out
like a bandit.

A spokesperson
for True TV announced that
Ed received a check

covering his four
months on the air,

his balloon payment,
and an additional bonus

to show the network's
appreciation for
all his quote,

"Hard work
and loyalty." Unquote.

When asked exactly
what happened, a True TV
spokesperson said

they had no official comment,

but that things
had been worked out.

Okay,
let's do a final...

Perhaps say
good-bye here to Ed TV.

Have we seen the last
of Ed, do you think?

I would think so.

In five years,
no one will
remember who he is.

Five years? Six months.
He's a Macarena.

It's Ed-free TV now.