Eddie Izzard: Wunderbar (2022) - full transcript

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

EDDIE: We've been
all around the world.

Whole world tour.

Australia, New Zealand,
Central Europe, Eastern Europe.

All through America,
all of UK and Ireland.

And now we're filming it in
the Top Secret Comedy Club.

Right by Covent Garden
where I was a street performer
for four years, so...

it comes all the way around.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

I went down to Covent Garden.
It was nice, it was all ready
for Christmas.

That was my old life,
back between '85 and '89,



and now we're here,
30 years later.

I just wanted to see that
before I came
and did this show.

WOMAN: How does
that make you feel?

Good, I like the circles.
Well, you know my whole theory,
the universe is about circles.

And anything that circles round
tends to be good.

The circle of life,
the circle of the universe,
the circle of the globe,

the circle of orbits.

What goes around comes around.

If you do good things, you can
get benefits back to you.

We start off
as little small children

and we don't have much
capability in our bodies

and we end up shrinking down
to little old men and old women,

who don't have much capability
and control of their bodies.

And then it ends. Everything
seems to go around in circles.



[CROWD CHATTERING]

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

[GLASSES CLATTERING]

Ah, that's, uh,
that's just a lot of bottles

going into a bottle bank,
I assume.

Because we're here in this,

as you can hear from the whir,
you can hear this
in the background.

This is a car park. That is
the fan for an underground
car park here at Central London.

And everything's
just jammed together.

So, back in the clubs,
like in the early days.

I'll keep eating nuts because
apparently they're good for you.

This one, I don't like so much.

Do I like this one?
I like this one.

Now I'm gonna put this away
and I'm gonna get ready.

Goodbye to everyone,
for the moment. Cheers.

Now stop filming.

WOMAN: Okay, you can cut there.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

EDDIE: And the bigger gigs
at the London Palladium
on this tour,

you throw out the lines
and the laughs come back,

then you throw out
the next line.

That's more like
an ocean liner.

A speedboat adapts
and moves quickly.

That's what this one was like,
they react faster.

Very much like playing
in the Comedy Store, playing
in the early clubs in London.

Keeps you on your toes.

This audience isn't necessarily
fans of mine.

They are people
from the mailing list of
the Top Secret Comedy Club.

They're not going to go
with everything.
You've got to win them over.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome
Eddie Izzard.

[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Good evening!

Hello.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to my Wunderbar show.

Yes, thank you.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Tonight, I'm gonna
talk about everything.

I'll talk about
from the Big Bang
up to last Thursday,

- all that stuff.
- [CROWD LAUGHS]

Since the Big Bang,
there have been
five great mass extinctions.

Not one, not two, but five.

Uh, which means
the creatures came

and they had lots of eyes...
[MAKES FUNNY NOISE]

Then they blew up or disappeared
or went on holiday
and never came back,

and then a second lot
turned up.

Then they all disappeared.

The fifth lot
were the dinosaurs.

You know about them,
165 million years
we had of those guys.

Remember, we've had about
500 years of good stuff.

165 million years of... [GROWLS]

[CROWD LAUGHS]

That's all they did.

Morning, noon and night.
[GROWLS]

They were pirates.

We're pretty sure now.

We don't know if they
ever said "Jim Lad."

But we know they went...
[GROWLS]

Then, as you may well know,
a big rock came
from outer space again,

pretty random to me, and...
hit down in the Gulf of Mexico.

All this stuff went up
into the atmosphere

and killed the weather systems
and the dinosaurs died

in the K-T extinction
within two years,

and some say these days it could
be... There's a new theory,
it could be within two hours.

With tsunamis of water and fire
and all the dinosaurs were gone.

Only 25 percent of creatures
made it through.

And one was a little shrew-like
meerkat-ish creature.

Little mammal, underground,
and his name was Kenny.
We think.

We're not sure of that,
we're making a guess there.

And we are related to him.

That's not a plan, is it?

That's... You wouldn't...
You wouldn't...

You wouldn't vote for this God
in a referendum.

It's too much like a crack plan,
isn't it?

Think about it.
If all the dinosaurs
did go in two hours...

We know they went,
but if it was in that two hours,

it would've gone overnight
and all these
underground creatures,

next morning,
they would've got up and gone...
[IMITATING ANIMAL VOICES]

[IMITATES SAWING NOISES]
Boom. Boom.

[IMITATING ANIMAL SCURRYING]

[IMITATES ANIMAL VOICES]

I'm gonna go upstairs.

Where the fuck is it?

[CROWD LAUGHING]

"Hi." "Yeah?"

"There's no fucking thing
up here."

"What?"

"There's no fucking thing here."

"Oh, I can't hear."

"Where the fuck is it?"
"I don't know."

"That's what I mean."

That could be true.

That may be why meerkats
are often seen going...

Because they remember that day.

Oh, yes.

So, this little creature
made it through.

It was a shrew-like creature
that ate insects.

So, we ate a lot of insects.

Then at a certain point
went... [SPITS]
This is disgusting.

Then we stopped eating insects
and asked for steaks and things
and breakfast cereal.

And later on,
we became the great apes.

Of course, we all
were part of the great apes.

With the gorillas
and chimpanzees.

Then the gorillas separated
from us and the bonobos
and those guys,

about ten million years ago,
and they went
and stood over there.

I don't know why,
but they just separated.

Six million years ago,
the chimpanzees
separated from us.

They took all the bananas
with them.
[IMITATING CHIMPANZEES]

Fucking hell.

First banana jokes were
six million years ago,
we know that.

They found...

They found the remains
of a chimpanzee in that position

where he'd obviously fallen
on a banana skin.

We're pretty sure.

Then we started to talk
100,000 years ago.

100,000 years ago,
we started to talk.

The FOXP2 gene
is very central to this.

So, 100,000 years ago, talking.

There's the cognitive revolution
which is about 70,000 years ago,

which is imagination,
those two things are us.

Talking plus imagination
equals humans.

Apart from that, we're just...

we're the same as
the rest of the animals.

But the talking, very important.
We got it 100,000 years ago.

This FOXP2 gene, we don't know
how we got it,
but we know we got it

100,000 years ago, probably
on a Tuesday, about half-three.

We think something like that.

And we were just monkey people.
Just gatherers,

just going around...
[IMITATES CAVEMEN]

"Wow.

"Oh, this one's very tasty.

"I'm talking, Gerald.
I'm talking, can you hear me?

"I always thought you're Gerald.

"Are you Gerald? You can't talk.

"You can't talk.
Try one of these.

"Open your mouth. Shut up.
Just open your mouth."

[CHOKING] "Why did you do that?

"Oh, my God. I'm talking too.

"I said, Oh, my God,
is there a God?
I don't think so.

"Gerald, this is amazing."

"I can't be Gerald,
you're Gerald.
I'm Gerald? Two Geralds.

"That's not going to work."

"Well, who the fuck
are you then?"

"I am Samantha..."

"Are you gender-fluid?"

"I'm gender-fucking-liquid,
baby."

"Are we talking German?"

"Could be German, could be
Spanish, could be French.

"Could be English.

"No, I think it's probably
English or Spanish.

"Seems quite easy, this.

"The Germans would have
more rules in their language."

"Yes, they would, masculine,
feminine, neuter,
'things made out of wood.'

"I agree."

And then there came a point
where they...

we left Africa,
the "out of Africa" theory.

"Come, we must get out
of Africa.

"You other monkeys,
you non-talky monkey people,

"you stay here and guard
the village, we're going

"out of Africa.
Going to make a film.

"It will be on DVD eventually.

"So, you stay...
Can you understand?

"Do you... Just..."

"Don't want to stay."

"You speak English?"

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

"Do you speak German?" "Si."

"Do you speak Spanish?" "Ja."

"How did you learn
four languages?"

"We bought tapes, okay?"

"Where did you buy tapes?"
"We bought them online."

"Online?"
"Yeah, the line over there,
we're just hanging on.

"My uncle sells them.

"Two bananas each."

"Well, I'll be
a monkey's uncle."

"No, that's him.
He's the monkey's uncle."

So, yes, so, 100,000 years ago
we started talking

and from that day,
100,000 years ago to here,

today in London, nothing
really has happened.

No, it's been kinda
"same old, same old."

We did start to think
70,000 years ago, apparently.

Which is interesting,
the cognitive revolution.

But, uh, I think we invented God
on the way,
I think we invented God.

Makes sense, to...
to answer things
that we didn't understand.

'Cause if there was a God,
I think everything should pray,
not everyone but everything.

Al the animals should pray.

You've never seen
an animal praying.

Never seen tigers praying,
"We're going in for a hunt,
going to get a buffalo.

"We're going to have breakfast.
Padre, quick prayer. Thank you.

"Eyes down for a full house.

"Oh, great God, Timmy the tiger
who lives...

"who lives up in the clouds,
until that day
when we learn to fly

"through the clouds and then
we notice he isn't there,

"and we'll just
never mention it again.

"God, Timmy, please bless
this, our hunt.

"Make our feet fleet of foot.

"Whatever that means.

"Make our teeth
even more pointed
than they usually are.

"And when we find a young
and tender buffalo,
please let us

"tear him apart in an orgy
of blood and violence
in your mercy.

"Aah... tigers."

That should happen,
but it doesn't.

Now, we started this show
in Paris next to
Notre Dame cathedral.

A beautiful cathedral.
I do like the buildings.

You know, Notre Dame is
a testament to human creativity,

built for a God who didn't
make it to the opening night.

When they opened
the Notre Dame cathedral,

he didn't make it to
the 500th year anniversary
of the building.

Didn't make it
when it was on fire,

which you'd think he could've
turned up then.

Just go, "Sorry, I'll get some
rain clouds. Come on, lads,
rain clouds. Here we go."

But they are
beautiful buildings.

Cathedrals, churches, especially
with candles.

I love them with candles.

I always get a candle for Mom,
a candle for Dad.

I like that part
of the Catholic faith.
The rest of it, I'm gonna leave.

Just the candle bits.

It makes churches look
fantastic, especially
in an action movie.

They look excellent, don't they?

[IMITATES GUNFIRE]
Jason Bourne.

♪ Ahh

There's this wonderful,
contemplative moment

where you look at it
and it's great.

And some cathedrals are mixing
it up, Liverpool Cathedral
has a cafe in it.

I think that's excellent.
Good laugh. Um, just saying.

Have you just joined us?

Okay, you'll have to stuff
a sock in that.

Uh... otherwise it's gonna be
ruling the show.

But yes, Liverpool Cathedral
has a cafe in there

and I think that's good,
Jesus would have liked that.

He said, "My table
is not a place...
house of money,

"but coffee, yes,
because I've got a Sermon
on the Mount coming up

"and I gotta stay awake
and learn all these lines."

So, Notre Dame cathedral
is beautiful,

it's got flying buttresses,
arc boutons,

if you want to drop that
into conversation, ever.

Um, and it's called Notre Dame,

it's named after
an American football team.

Which is...
which is kinda crazy.

Some people say. Others say,
"Notre Dame, 'our lady.'
It's the mother of Jesus."

Apparently, she built it
or caused it to be built.

She came over from Judaea,
it's a whole Dan Brown,
Da Vinci Code, kind of story.

Came over way back in 1973,
before any of us were born.

Going... [SPEAKS FRENCH]

"But who are you?"

"I'm Mrs. Jesus, I am.

"My son told me to build this."

"But he died 2,000 years ago."

"Yeah, traffic was hell.

"They're digging up
the Mediterranean
to put in irrigation."

"Mrs. Jesus, tell us the story."
"Well, well, my son,
he was on his death bed."

"Mom, I'm on my death bed, Mom.

"I'm dying. The Romans,
they got me, Mom."

"What happened?" "I'll tell you
what happened.

"I was in the Garden
of Gethsemane

"with Judas and James
and Matthew and Kenny.

"Stevie Nicks, Roger McGough.

"Che Guevara.

"Uh, Konrad Adenauer,
Kenny Dalglish and the Pope,

"and we're all playing
Shove Ha'penny and Scrabble.

"And then the Romans come in
and they got me.

"It all went tits up, Mom.

"You must build a cathedral."
"I will build a cathedral.

"What's a cathedral?" "I dunno,
I made it up in Scrabble.

"300 points on a triple word."

"I'll build one in Jerusalem."
"Not Jerusalem, no,
that's gonna be a nightmare

"with politics there.

"And traffic is bad. Um...

"Paris, why not Paris?"
"Oh, Paris, why Paris?"

"For the tourists." "Oh, yeah."

"Make it colder there, Mom.
I want it like a fridge."
"All right.

"I'll put yoghurt
and ham everywhere."
"Yes, yoghurt and ham.

"That makes it a fridge.

"And also..." That's my fridge.

Funnier than it was yesterday.

"Yeah, yoghurt and ham,
Mom, and,

"in the cathedral, put lots
of candles in the cathedral
as well.

"Not too many, could burn down."

Yeah, well,
the French firefighters,

they saved that cathedral.
It's a beautiful building.

And President Macron said
it'll be rebuilt in five years

and I'm absolutely sure
they'll keep their word

and it'll be rebuilt and be
even better than before.

And it will have more
sprinkler systems
than you've ever seen.

So, well done to them.
But I was in Notre Dame,

a year ago I was there.
No, two years ago.

Uh, no, five years ago,
I was there.

I've never been there,
actually, but...

No, of course, I was there,
I was there. No.

No, I have been there.

[MOUTHING]

No, of course. Everyone.
You go to Paris, you go to...

I was there with
Engelbert Humperdinck last time.

And Ziggova Bambleback
was there.

And Slod Van Walle was there.

And I was talking to the priest,
"Monsieur le priest,

"vous avez beaucoup
of the candles here.

"Mucho mucho.

"and my question to you is,
warum haben Sie..." German.

"...all these candles
here, why?"

And he wasn't smoking,
he was vaping.

[IMITATES VAPING]

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

So much smoke in vaping.

What is happening? It's like
a Hogwarts train of smoke,
isn't it?

It has killed the film noir.

Do you remember film noir, with
the cigarettes and hats on?

"Kenny, you gotta get out
of town. Mr. Big's home."

"Mr. Big?

"He's so big." "I know.

"That's why
we call him Mr. Big.

"He's gonna kill you, Kenny."

"Don't think so. Sticks
and stones may break my bones,

"but names will never hurt me."

"He's got a gun." "Ah, shit."

With vaping? "Kenny, you gotta
get out of town.

"Mr. Big's coming."

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

"Fucking exploded, man."

"No, I'm still here."

"You smell of vanilla."

Yes, indeed. So, anyway,

talking to the priest. Monsieur
le priest. He was there...

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]
"Oh, you sell the... and it
raises money for religion?"

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

"Und pour acheter
more of the blood of Christ and
body of Christ for communion."

We've been eating
his body and drinking his blood
for 2,000 years

and he wasn't that big
to begin with.

Which is true, in the strict
rules of the Catholic faith,

they are not eating a facsimile
of his body,

they're eating his real body
and drinking his real blood

in a cannibalistic,
vampiristic way

that is never pointed out.

And how tall was he?
How big was he?

Was the Sermon on the Mount
the Sermon of the Mount?

Was he some sort of mountain
man and they keep...

"Saw another bit off him.

"Let's munch away at that
on Sundays."

But this new pope, the guy who
just became pope

like ten years ago, I dunno.

Somewhat... The latest pope.

I like him, I think he's got
a different thing going on.

He's much more South American
than the rest of them.

Um, he's much more,
"Buenas fucking noches, guys!

"Hey, ole!"

And, uh, he's changed things.

You know, because you have
the body of Christ

and the blood old Christ,
and they used to get vin de
table, ordinary table wine.

They'd bless it and
it becomes... but now
they're using

uh, Cotes du Rhone and
Pouilly-Fume, Burgundies, Beaujolais.

Really fruity wines, you know?

Strong, great tastes.

For the blood of Christ.
It's really working well.

The body of Christ, they're
using Focaccia bread

uh, sourdough breads.

You know, very good breads
that you can get in Sainsbury's.

And, uh, and it's taken off.
There's queues around the block.

Sunday mornings...
Have you seen the pictures?

Seven o'clock,
queues around the block

for Notre Dame cathedral.
"Uh, blood of Christ, please,
large one.

"Aah!

[SPEAKING FRENCH]
"Another one, please."

"Oh, it's one each,
I'm terribly sorry."
[SPEAKING FRENCH]

"Oh, this isn't a bar?
I thought it was a bar.

"They look like this
these days."

Merci beaucoup.

"C'est formidable,
the blood of Christ.

"Is the body of Christ close?
'Cause I'm a little bit
drunk now."

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

"Thank you, two bits, please.

"One's for me and one's for
my religious friend. He's got
his foot stuck in a pew.

"Do you have any butter?"

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

"Thought that was a rule. No?
No worries.

"Wipe on, wipe off.
Wipe on, wipe off.

"Wipe on, wipe off."

That's how it started.
Yeah, you see?

'Cause when Christians,
the lions were going on,

it was karate
that kept them going.

"Wipe on, wipe off."

They were all, "Uh... Lion!"

[GROWLS]
That's how it all started.

Because Father, Son and
Holy Ghost, that doesn't
make sense,

'cause there's four points
to the cross and there's only
a Holy Trinity.

Three into four don't go. Do you
remember your mathematics?

Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Who's that guy?

Is that Kenny?

But they put on a service,
don't they?

I dunno if you're Catholic
or you if you met
a Catholic once.

Some of my best friends
are Catholic.

Sorry, it's a thing people say.

Well, in the old days it used to
matter, I grew up and

I went to a boarding school
after Mum died.

And there was one Catholic
kid in our... In these
boarding houses.

And every Sunday, we'd have to
troop off to church

to hear someone go, "And now...

"we shall read from the Book
of Death.

"Chapters four to eight million.

"And then Shadrac went
into a small pen

"and he set fire
to his tonsils."

And this went on and on and on.

But the Catholic guy,
he had to go, "You can go off
to your own church."

He could do whatever
he wanted, go down to the pub.

It seemed a lot better to be
Catholic, you see.

That was my
only frame of reference.

Okay, I lost you all.
That's okay.

It's just in the old days it was
Catholic against Protestant

and they would burn
each other at the stake.

And nowadays,
it's slightly different.

But not in Glasgow.

Where they'll try
and kill each other.

But they put on a service,
don't they? In the Catholic
faith, they've got

carpets, tapestries,
stained-glass windows.

Someone sets fire to a handbag,
they spin that round,

that always looks fun.

The priests, they often talk
in Latin.

No one understands Latin,
it's a clever idea.

'Cause it means the priests
can make mistakes

and no one knows.

[SPEAKING LATIN INCORRECTLY]
Patris et Filii et Spiritus
Sancti. Cumulonimbus.

Stratocumulus.
Cominangonis baked potatus.

Inspectum Patronum.

Rubber duckus, cor blimus.

But as you probably
know, the French

are lapsed Catholics, whereas
we in the United Kingdom
are lapsed Protestants.

We have cathedrals as well,
but they're full of nothing.

Because King Henry VIII,
he took it all

when he split from
the Catholic faith.

So, this was back in
the year 15... [MUMBLES]

Henry VIII was born
in 15... [MUMBLES]

And he became king in 15...
farther, bit later.

And he split from the Catholic
faith in 15... sometime after.

Now, Henry, he said,
"We're going to separate from
the Catholic church"

and they stripped
all the Catholic churches.

"We'll take everything, the gold
and tapestries."

They took
all the precious stuff down

and said, "King,
what do we do with it?"

He said, "Put it in
a blender, I'm going to eat it.

'Cause he had this
eating disorder called
"munch too much." And...

Some of us have this
in this world, some of us eat
and when we are sated,

when our hunger is sated, we go,
'That's enough for me."

But Henry VIII, he ate cake mix
and cakes and trees,

helicopters, baked potatoes, ratatouille,

swans, uh...

people from outer space, anything.

He was just... on and on and on.

You've seen these menus
that the kings would eat.

And he became a large lad.

And he married six women,
he married Catherine of Aragon

very arrogant,
that's why she was called that.

Second wife was Anne Boleyn,

who invented the Bowline knot,
very good climber.

Would've climbed Everest but she
didn't know where it was.

Third wife was Sally
from Birmingham, I believe.

She died in a harpoon accident.

Yes, 'cause Henry had been
watching, uh,

Dr. No and Thunderball,

which were medieval plays
at the time.

And in Thunderball, there's
a harpoon scene...

"Ooh, she got the point,"
and that's, uh...

You're not going for this,
are you? But it's true.

It's true.

Fourth wife was Scottish,
Lady Macbeth.

She was always cleaning.

"Just get the blood off this
carpet, Henry.

"Bit of blood on the ceiling
here, as well."

So, he divorced her,
he was scared of her.

Fifth wife had no name,

she was from spaghetti westerns

and he lost her down the back
of the sofa one day.

"I can't find her anywhere."

Sixth wife was Elizabeth.
Of course, she's still
on the throne.

And...

Five hundred years old,
doing very well.

Lost the muscles in her smile,

but she's a fighter.
She's a game-bird.

So, those were the six wives
of Henry VIII.

And Henry VIII of course died,
he exploded. That's how he died.

As you well know,
he ate a mint and exploded.

"Really, was it a big mint
stuck in his throat?"
No, it was a thin mint.

Almost wafer-thin,
some people say.

So, yes, these
are all true things.

But many English kings,
as you probably know,
have exploded.

Henry VIII, exploded,
William the Conqueror, exploded.

King Kenny IX, exploded.

Okay, two kings. That's quite
a lot of kings, isn't it?

So, William the Conqui-bum,
he did explode.

He did, he did, he did.
That's what happened.

So, this is all 1066 stuff.

And 1066, an important date

for the English,
not the British.

Because we lose
the Battle of Hastings in 1066,

but we won
the World Cup that year.

So...

Swings and round-abouts.

A thousand years ago since
we won the football World Cup,

that's how long it seems to us.

But this is all William
of Normandy, back in
the north of France.

Before 1066.

He was eight years old

when he inherited
the dukedom of Normandy.

This is the power list
in the old days, it was king,
most powerful, then Duke,

then Earl, Baron, Viscount...
[MUMBLING]

Bloke in a hedge. Okay?

So, it's right up there.

Very powerful position,
and he was eight. And he was
an illegitimate child.

A bastard child.

His father was Robert
the Magnificent, amazing name.

He was obviously very good
at karaoke.

And when singing one evening,
he obviously fell over
on a spike and died.

And he'd had a child
with a hairdresser,

I believe she was.

Called Veronique
or Sally or Jeff.

And... "Bonjour. Hello.

"What do you do?"
"I am a slave."

"Oh, the Middle Ages, yeah.
What can you do?

"All right, I'll give you short
back and sides.

"Give you one of those
weird haircuts like in
the Bayeux Tapestry.

"So, what you doing
the weekend?"
"Working, I'm a slave."

"Oh, yeah. Slavery.

"What am I like?

"So, where are you going
on your holidays?"

"Nowhere. Slavery." "Oh, yes.

"I'll just shut up, shall I?"

So, this eight-year-old gets
the dukedom of Normandy

and all the barons and viscounts
are pissed off,

going, "Why has this
bastard child inherited
the Duke of Normandy?

"I should be
the Duke of Normandy.
I am Baron Kenny,

"from over there,
left of the chip shop.

"I should be..."
"No, I am Viscount Steve Claude,

"from over the hills
and not too far away."

"Okay, well, one of us,
one of the aristocracy,
not that eight-year-old

"illegitimate child,
what can we do?"

"We could kill him."

"Is that legal?" "You fool,
this is the Middle Ages.

"Laws are fuzzy at the moment."

"Very well, I will kill him
with a knife. No, I will kill
him with a fork.

"No, I will kill him
with a spoon."

"Can you kill people
with spoons?"

"I killed Humpty Dumpty
that way.

"And all the king's horses and
all the king's men, couldn't put
Humpty together again."

"Yes, I did hear this.

"I always wanted to ask you,
why did you ask
all the king's horses

"to try and put Humpty
together again?

"That seemed like a waste
of an afternoon."

"We were testing whether hooves
were good tools to reassemble
eggs that had been broken."

"What were your findings?"
"Not good."

So, they decided to try
and kill the kid.

Now this is true.
All this, everything I've said
so far is true.

Not the Humpty Dumpty bit,
but everything else, right?

So, for ten years,
they try and kill this kid.

[IMITATING SCUFFLING]

On and on...

And he survived for ten years.

He survived 'cause
he learned Krav Maga. Yes, yes.

Martial arts is 95 percent
martial, five percent art.

And that's what he did.

And basically,
you hit people with things,
that's what you do in Krav Maga.

When they're coming towards
you, very Jason Bourne-ish,

you reach out,
grab a frying pan...
[IMITATES PAN CLANGING]

A lot of frying pan moves
in Krav Maga,

which you can see, they all
came from the Looney Tunes
documentaries that Chuck Jones

directed for Warner Bros.
in the '30s.

So, yes, so he survives.
He wins the Battle of
Val-es-Dunes in Normandy.

Which is very famous
in Val-es-Dunes.

And he goes to his mom for
another haircut. "How'd it go?"
"I killed them all, Mom."

"Excellent, well done.
How did you do this?"
"I learned Krav Maga."

"How did you learn that?"
"I bought

"these tapes off a monkey
for two bananas each."

"Very clever.
So, now you have a rest?"

"No. I'm going to
invade England."

"You fool.
You don't have a navy."

He says, "Oh, no." And he runs
down to the army and navy stores
and he goes in, "Hello.

"Do you have any navies left?"
"Well, we have one left.

"We can give you inflatable
mattresses and some pedal boats.

"We got rowing boats,
and one or two speedboats."

"How do they work,
this new speedboat thing?"

"Well, they're just rowboats,
but we've nailed ducks
to the bottom."

"And does it go very fast?"

"Well, you have to get
all your ducks in a row.
But then..."

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Fuck off. Now...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Getting a "ducks in a row"
joke into a

piece about 1066, that's...

That doesn't happen every day.
So, fuck off.

No, no, too late, too late.
No, too late.

So, this is 1066.
Bayeux Tapestry stuff,

all the weavers were there
at the battle.

"Slow it down, please.
It's not a bloody video.

"All right, eyes and teeth.

"Just leave them down here.
We'll put 'em in later."

And Harold, famously,
Harold of England died with
a frying pan through the eye,

you've all seen that image.

And King William becomes
King of England for 20 years

and he eats cats and dogs
and trees and helicopters,
baked potatoes,

ratatouille and he becomes huge.

And then in his dying days,
he says, "I will go

"back to Normandy today.
I'll go to the city of Rouen.

"The English will not follow me
to Rouen, because they can't
pronounce Rouen."

I can't, it's very difficult.

And he's there,
he's lying in a bed,

wheezing away, dying,
and he is not beloved,

he's be-hated.
It's like Stalin dying.

It's not nice, but all the
pretenders to the dukedom,
they were all coming going,

"How are you doing, Guillaume?
Are you okey-dokey,
or are you nokey-dokey?

"I will pokey-pokey to test
your okey-dokeyness.

"We'll do the frying pan test."

[IMITATES FRYING PAN CLANGING]

And he's dead.
He's dead there in the bed.

So they all run away
because they hate him
and they just leave him.

They don't bury him and he's
there for about two or three
weeks and that's not good.

Because, you know, when you die,
you stop, but you know,
the tummy keeps going.

The tummy is like the engine
room from the Titanic.

People are going, "Come on,
no news is good news, lads."

And the tummy keeps making gas.

And so the archbishop came up
and said, "My God, he's huge!

"Oh, this is terrible. We must
get him to the church on time.

"Come on, Kenny, Veronique,
help me.

"Monsieur Magoo,
can we use your car?"

And with the help
of Monsieur Magoo,

who was... his eyesight
was not that great,

they got him to the cathedral
in Caen within seven years.

And... probably quicker.

Thank you for laughing,
three people. And...

He's there and they do
a service. In nomine Patris
et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.

[SPEAKING LATIN INCORRECTLY]
Inspectum patronum!

"We're here to bury the kid,
Duke of Normandy,
the King of England.

"What a guy.
What has he achieved,
as we lower him into a coffin.

"Just push down gently there.

"And we say goodbye, old fellow.

"Amazing things you've done.
What can we say, as we get
the lid and we push

"down quite heavily
upon the lid, and...

"Get some butter, I don't know.

"As we lie ourselves
over the coffin like
Nancy Reagan

"and try and push down
upon the..." They couldn't
get him in. This is all true.

And he burst, basically.

Yeah. Yeah, check it up.

And the gas came out,

it made a sound a bit like,
"Bonjour."

The smell apparently
was 149 out of ten

and they apparently did
the fastest last rites ceremony
in the history of Catholicism.

In nomine Patris...
Open the fucking fenetres...

Give me some dog poo,
some dog poo, thank you.

[MUMBLING]

King of England,
Duke of Normandy, what did
he do? Lots of stuff.

All right, put him in a bin.

And they flicked him
out the window.

And he spun in the air,
held for a second and then fell
splosh into a pond

and came third in the Normandy
diving competition.

True story.

I was talking about human beings
before. Now, that's us.

And if you are a human being,
which I assume you are,

very few Martians in tonight.

We don't... we take ourselves
for granted,

we don't think of ourselves
as interesting but we are.

We were just one of
the natural animals in the world

and then we separated.
We became civilized.

They stayed wild.
So, that was the separation.

But they kept fitness with them,
but we kept cake

and daytime television.

That was the deal we did.

They are so fit, aren't they?
Like tigers...

[GROWLS]

If they're hunting, they creep
up with their Pilates

slash yoga.

Creepy-crawly.
It's amazing and they attack
with the speed of a train.

You never see a crap tiger, have
you? You never see a tiger...

[LAZY GROWL]

[COUGHS]

"What's that, mate? No,
the hunt. I'm ready for
the hunt, I'm always ready.

Born ready, I'm a tiger.

"Yeah, oh, they're going...
[SPITS]

"Shouldn't have done that.

"Hang on.
I've just burnt my foot.

"Padre, you got any Savlon?
Plasters?

"Save a bit for me!

"Yeah, no, uh...

"Buffalo wing...

"Not gonna get
any breakfast now.
This is no good. Tony!

"Bring us a couple of boxes,
will you mate?

"The one with a free armchair,
yeah, one of that."

You remember the old days,
when we used to read
the cereal packets

as if they were mobile phones?

God, we would read
the whole of that thing.

We're eating our food and going,

"Riboflavin, thiamine
and niacin.

"I am so glad to have
got that stuff inside me."

Those cereals are full of
riboflavin, thiamine and niacin.

And in my teenage years,
I thought, "These are important
things to get inside you."

And in my adult years,
I've never once heard
anyone say, "This kid is dying!

"Get a shovelful of riboflavin
inside of him."

Just they're not mentioned,
are they? What are they?

Ah, but anyway, the fitness

intrigued me,
of the wild animals.

When I realized
that they were all fit.

So, in 2009, what I thought was
I am going to try and get some
of that fitness back,

because as a kid,
I was a run-about-y kid

and I thought, "I want some
of that back." So, I started
running these marathons

and I ran 43 in 51 days

in the UK and 27 marathons
in 27 days in South Africa.

Now, I'm only mentioning them
in order to big myself up.

But they seem quite impressive.

They're somewhat
impressive, they're not
that impressive,

but my theory is,
anything I can do,

you can do bett... Anything
I can do, you can do similar.

Anything I can do, you can do
a little bit worse, hopefully.

Otherwise it'll make what I did
look so easy.

But the first ten marathons
are hard.

If you do multiple marathons,
ten in a row, that is hard.

After that, it gets easier
because the brain is... "Ah,

"we do marathons,
that's what we do."

That's why the first ten
are hard.

So, if you're ever doing
that, just...

Just do ten and then you're...

But I made it an adventure.
That's another thing.

If life is hard, if whatever
you're doing is hard,
make it an adventure.

There's always down bits
as well as up bits.

And it's easier to deal with
because adventures,

then there will be
a story about it.

You could regale
people at night.

"Did I tell you when I had to go
down to the shops

"and get soup?

"And it was terribly difficult.

"Because there was a force
three gale wind..."
[MUMBLES]

Just something.

That doesn't quite work.
Force three,
that's just a gentle wind.

That's not a gale, is it?
Anyway, so,

I was thinking, when did I have
my first adventure? And it was
with my mother.

Now, my mom and dad
met in the city of Aden

in the country of Yemen.

And it was a British colony.

The British, we took it.
We took the port of Aden.

The British called it Aiden but
it's a bit weird, they obviously
got there and said...

Our ancestors got there
and said, "Hi.

"Where's this place?"
"This place is Aden."

"Well, we'd like to own it."
"Oh."

"We're going to call it Aiden."
"But it's Aden."

"No, we'll call it Aiden.
Brighter A."

"Well, it is actually Aden."
"Do you have a flag?"

So, I think it was that basis,
the fact that we had flags
and guns.

Where's this fucking fly?

We got hair spray for the fly,
we haven't got fly spray.

So, at some point,

I will destroy the fly,
but he's moving quite fast.

Anyway, I'll give him
a lot of hair spray.

And then he'll either go,
"Hey, this looks great."

Or he'll go, "I can't fly
anymore, I'm all sticky."

Can't see him now.
Okay, here we go.

Um, so... What was I... Oh, yes.

So, my parents met in Aden,
in Yemen,

and they were married there
in '59,

and my brother was born in '60,
I was born in '62.

And then we left in '63, Dad
said, "We gotta get out of here,
there's a revolution coming.

"We're gonna go
to Northern Ireland."
"All right, Dad."

Yes.

Now, we got to Northern Ireland
in '63, we left in '67, just
before it all kicked off in '69.

We always left before
everything kicked off. That was
kind of an Izzard trait.

Not planning, just,
Dad just kept moving

and things started happening.

Um, not because of us,
we didn't do anything.

Now, we sounded like this,
this is my point.

From the south-east of England,
you get to Northern Ireland,

um, and Mom sounds like this
and my brother sounds like this.

And all the local kids are,
"Who are you?

"What are you doing here?
Are you from Yemen?

"Is that south of the border?
I think that is.

"We're gonna throw mud at cars,
wanna throw mud at cars?"

"Uh, yeah, okay." And...

And I was into sugar,
I loved sugar.

You know, recovering
sugar-holic, now.

And most of my day in my
youngers years was spent going,

"Mummy, can I have a glass
of lemonade? Can I have another
glass of lemonade, Mummy?

"Can I get a bottle of lemonade
strapped to my head and
drip-fed into me?"

After three months, it changed.
I was going, "Mother!

[IN IRISH ACCENT] "Can I get
a glass of lemonade, now?

"I think that would be
sufficient to quench my thirst.

"And in the negotiations
between you

"as my mother and I as a child,

"I feel a glass of lemonade
would ease the passage
of detente

"and make this agreement work
and function,

"in a way of the socio-economic
situation at the moment.

"I dunno what I'm talking about
here, but get us a glass
of lemonade, will you?

"Ulster says yes to lemonade,

"and no to not lemonade."

So, apparently my mother
was freaked out by this.

And so, she encouraged...
'cause if your parents
sound one thing

and the kids sound different,
that's a little odd.

So, my mother was probably
encouraging us to,
"How now brown cow."

[MUMBLES]

"How now brown cow."

[MUMBLES]

Anyway, we stayed in the fold
of sounding like this.

But, um,

we would sound Irish
outside of the house

and English inside the house.
We would code switch
at the front door.

A friend of the family
just told me this, this year.

My dad never told me that.
My dad had told him

that he'd listen at the door
and could hear us

talking Irish outside the house,
with an Irish accent,

and English inside the house.

So, probably after six months,

I was going, "Mummy, can I have
another glass of lemonade?

"Thank you. Oh, does
anybody else, outside? Okay.

[IN IRISH ACCENT]
"Anybody else want
a glass of lemonade there?

"Seamus, Headey, Kenny?

"Stevie Nicks, Patrick Pearse?

"Konrad Ardenauer?

"The Pope?

"Stevie Nicks and the Pope
would like a glass of red wine.

"Everyone else would rather have
milk and coffee."

And then my brother went off
in 1965

to Ballyholme primary school

to practice his vowels.

And I was left at home with Mum,

and she said one day,
"We're gonna go on an adventure.
"An adventure, Mum?

"How do we do that?"
"You're gonna get on
your brother's bicycle.

"We put the training wheels
back on, the stabilizers.

"And we're gonna put a little
box at the back, get provisions
from the local shops."

That was my first adventure.

And off I went on a little
bicycle with little
training wheels.

If you remember, ten degrees
to the vertical.
That's how we do it.

It's supposed to get you in
the middle, didn't it?

Bu you just didn't trust
that middle bit, so you'd...

I remember this, going down
a pathway, went over a bridge,
over a stream.

Up another pathway and into
the shop and then Mum said,

"We'll have some butter, eggs,
flour, sugar.
We're gonna make a cake.

"We're gonna make
a bouncy castle for hamsters."

So, uh, yes...

So, running marathons, I'll tell
you how the first ten go.

This is how... If you ever want
to run ten marathons in ten
days. Good laugh at the back.

A lot of people are going,
"I'm not going to do that."

Just in case there's a bear
chasing you,

every day,

regular time, "The bear
is back. Oh, my God,
better do another run."

First marathon, I think everyone
here could run, walk, stagger
a marathon.

I think you could do it, it's...

Give yourself 20 hours,
it won't look pretty, but you
could get it done.

The second and third marathons
you will get for free.

Because the brain goes,
"Oh, this is a nightmare.

"I'm still in bed."
And you're...

The brain cannot catch up
with you.

Now the fourth to the tenth
marathon are pretty evil,

and I do remember
the seventh marathon,

I was running at literally
this speed.

It was really just sort of
crab-walking along.

And I looked back, a family
had joined me and there was
a young girl with them.

And she was about ten and I was

sort of pretending to run.

She was just walking along

with a couple of dogs.

And I noticed it and I thought,
"I'm not running very fast."

But I got it done, I just kept
going and got it done.
That's what I did.

And some of it was tough,
up and down, I remember

in the city of Bath,
the south and west of England,

it's very upsy-downsy.
Brassknocker Hill,
they have.

It goes on and on and on.

And I had gone up that
and gone down and gone up,

I was staggering up the hill,
not even

pretending to walk,
I was just staggering.

And a guy came out of a house,
it was one of those

wonderful houses
with a secret garden

and a door in the garden
and he came out and, "Oh,

I could see into it."
He was in his 60s.

And when people see me running,
or anyone running,

I think they feel compelled
to say something

and it quite often
comes out wrong.

He saw me and said,

"I think you're supposed to be
running, aren't you?"

I think you're supposed to be
dying, aren't you?

I mean...

I... It just seems wrong.

Usually they say, "Come on."
Fuck off!

I've been running for... Forever.

And they won't believe you.
After about 18 marathons,

it became surreal.
You get in and say,

"Ah, can I have a cup of tea,
please?"

"Where have you come from?"
"Oh, I've run from London.

It's my 18th marathon." They go,
"All right, it's tea,
is it, then?"

And they just...

It's as if I said,
"I've just eaten a car.

"I'm from Mars, can I have...

"Can I have a cup of tea?"
They wouldn't believe you.

So, you get tired,
angry, pissed off.

You go,
"This hill goes on forever."

But you're never scared,
you're never going,
"I could fall into a hedge

and die of hedge disease."

But, um,

but since then I've started
sea swimming...

Now, sea swimming,
doing training for sea swimming,

it's scary, it's um...

On the beach it's fine,
isn't it? On the beach it's,
"Throw me the ball."

"I'll throw you the ball."

[CHUCKLING]

"I'm in the water up to
my knees. What am I like?"

"Do you want an ice cream?
I'll get a Magnum and hold up
a bank

"and we can have as many
ice creams as we want."

But 50 meters into the sea,

50 yards, 50 meters out there...

[IMITATING WAVES]

That's all you're doing,
hour after hour.

Face in the water,
out of the water, in the water,
out of the water.

And every time you come out
of the water, you're taking
a breath.

If you don't get the breath,
you die.

So, it's a little bit stressful,
you see?

And every time your face
comes out, you look
for the safety boats,

if the safety boat is with you.
If you can't see it,
you're dead.

See, 'cause they've gone off.
"We're going off to go
shopping or something."

And the tensions are higher

and the boat in the sea
would have a course
that it was going on.

And the current would move it,
so it would auto-correct,
sometimes it would go like,

then it would move this way
and I'd be going...

"It's going away.
Catch up with the boat.

"It's coming back towards me.
Get away from the boat."

It was worrying.

And then there's jellyfish,
they sting you, they sting me,
they sting anyone.

They are Nazis of the sea world.

They have no moral compass,

they have no
geographical compass,

they really don't know
much about compasses.

Then there's seagulls.
You may know that seagulls
follow boats out to the sea.

Every day, we'd go out
for training and the seagulls
would follow out.

And the seagulls, they follow
boats 'cause they usually
chuck rubbish over the side

and then the seagulls go,
"Oh, rubbish."

And then they fly down and they
swim around and eat it
with knife and fork.

And then they go, "Ah, lovely
mange of rubbish."

But I think when they were
following us,

I think they thought
I was rubbish.

'Cause I was very slow-moving.
"Hey, he's nearly dead."

And 'cause two of them,
three of them were flying

and then after a while two
of them were flying and one
of them was swimming behind me.

He was literally just
doing this, like a duck.

And I looked round and saw him
at one point and he was going...

Kinda like someone
in a spy movie, he was...

Like he was looking in
a shop window.

"Lovely weather."

Then I start swimming again
and he goes...

Waiting. God.
And then there's the vomit.

I'm pretty good at vomit.
There's a song that goes,
"Trains and boats and planes."

And I have thrown up
on all of those.

But if you added to trains
and boats and planes,
old ladies,

I have thrown up on those.
I have thrown up on an old lady.

If your gran or your aunty

was on the train to Penrith
in 1974

and got thrown up on,
that was me.

I don't remember this,
my brother assures me it's true.

So, I think it was true and...

I have... The bones in my
inner ear don't know
what's going on.

And I thought when
you're swimming, you're driving

the vehicle, so you're gonna be
okay. But no,

I still need to take
sea-sickness tablets,

which I didn't even know about.

And normally when you throw up,
you're planted, aren't you?

You're kinda locked down there,
there's a sink, a toilet,
a basin, a hat.

Or, once in the hospital A&E
I was given

a kidney dish, which is a thing
they put instruments in,
it's about that big.

And I looked at them and I said,
"Really?

"That's a launchpad.

"I think the CIA use these
to throw up around corners."

But I was doing this training
swim and swimming along
and I feel this...

I'm gonna throw up,

and I was in the sea,
treading water, and when
you throw up then,

it's not good, 'cause you go...

[RETCHES]

And I could feel fish around me
going, "Oh, my God.

"Oh, he's British? Oh, I see.

"Oh, this is Brexit,

"where you throw up
on your own head?

"Ah, yes, I understand."

So, yes, but now, I keep fit,

that's what I do, I decided
match-fit for life.

That's what we should all do.
I encourage you to do that,
you probably won't.

But it's what the wildies
are doing.
Oh, those old wildies.

And they do look pretty good,
don't they?

Very few crap tigers,
as I mentioned.

So, um, so I was training.

I was doing a training thing.
I normally do

fast, high-intensity
interval training.

But sometimes I'll just drop
a few marathons.

So, I was running
seven marathons in seven days
for seven brothers.

And it was in Sussex, where I

hailed from for half of my life,

and I was running down the A-22,
went past a big house
in the country.

Big house with
walls and big driveway,
one of those big solid gates.

As I went past the solid gates
of the driveway,

there was a dog, obviously,
behind the gate.

I couldn't see him.
The dog went...
[IMITATES BARKING]

as dogs have done since
the dawn of time.

And for the first time
I suddenly thought, "What is
this dog trying to say?"

If I could inject
FOXP2 into him,

what would he be trying to say?
And I assume a dog

would be going,
"Thief, thief or a burglar.
Thief slash burglar.

"Assassin, behind the gates.
They're here!

"Listen to me, I know what
I'm talking about. I'm a dog.

"Hello.
[BARKING]

"You say that I am the dog
that cried woof, but...

"Really.

"This is important. Now!"

Dogs are so sure, aren't they?
They're so insistent.

[IMITATES BARKING]

You've never heard
a hesitant dog, have you?

You've never heard
of an unsure dog,

going, "Woof?

"Is that a woof?

"Are you an assassin?

"Hello, are you an assassin?
I'm a dog, here.

"And the owner of my house,
he employs me,

"sort of, to do a survey on
the people coming by
the front gate.

"Do you follow? Hello?
Are you still with me?

"And so if you're an assassin,
I must come and kill you

"by tearing out your throat
with my teeth.

"But if you're
a little old lady,
well, then, good luck to you.

"You see my dilemma.

"Are you still there?"

It doesn't seem that that's
the conversation dogs
are having. They're just go...

[BARKING] "Assassins!

"Motherfuck... Oh, God, why has
thou forsaken me?

"Dad, come. Kill them,
kill them now.

"Kill them all.

"I'm a dog."

Seems like every dog has joined
a right-wing party.

And based on very little information,

they seem to be absolutely sure.

"Assassins!

"Assassins!

"Assassins slash immigrants
are here!

"I am right because I am loud."

And then the owner comes out,
"What the hell is going on?"

"Assassins."

"Assassins, are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure,
I'm a dog, motherfucker."

"Well, how many assassins?"
"Two." "Two?"
"Thousand."

"2,000?"

"Well, 1,527."

"And you're sure you saw them?"
"I saw them with my ears.

"It's a dog thing,
we're like bats."

"What?"

"Just get a gun. Shoot them!

"Shoot them all, take them now!"

"I haven't got a gun,
I'm British."

"Well, go on a spaceship
to America very quickly
for story purposes..."

"The Americans won't give me
a gun, there will be
background checks."

"No, there won't.

"They give Exocet missiles
to three-year-olds."

"That is true."

So, off he goes to get a gun
and the dog continues.

[BARKING]

And he will continue woofing
until something happens
or until anything happens.

Just something unusual.

A cat sneezing,
a dog back-firing.

A rabbit imploding,

a snail playing the banjo, anything.

[BARKING]

[IMITATES RUSTLING]

"What?

"What was that?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

"Where was I? Now, oh, yes,
woof woof woof, thank you.

[BARKING]

"Oh, no, what have I stood in?

"Who would do that?

"Who would leave a steaming pile
of that there,

"just walk away,
no forwarding address?

"Who would do that?

"I would do that.

"This is my own poo.

"The irony.

"The horror.

"The irony. I have stood
in my own poo.

"I am hoisted
by my own poo-tard.

"Oh, God, what can I do?
I must get rid of this.

"Right, let's try
and get rid of this.

"Is this what Michael Jackson
did? Is this how he learned

"how to Moonwalk? By standing
in his own poo..."

And then the owner comes back.
"I got a gun."

"You do what now?"

"I've got a gun for the
assassins." "Assassins?

"You have seen assassins?"
"No, you saw assassins.

"You said you saw 1,527."

"Uh... really? I said that?"

"You said you saw them
with your ears."

"That doesn't even make sense.

"I don't think this was me,
I think this was Kenny."

"Who is Kenny?"
"Kenny is a jellyfish, comes
around here when it rains.

"Yes, we found poo though.
Yeah, we found poo.

"It's assassin's poo.
Pretty sure
it's assassin's poo.

"Shoot the poo.

"Shoot it, shoot the poo,
shoot it!

"Take the shot. Shoot it!

"Shoot the poo.
You can't handle the poo.

"Can you? Shoot it.

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
"You shot the poo.

"The poo is dead.

"Long live the poo."

Now everything I have said
as the character of the dog,

that is what is going on

in Donald Trump's mind.

All the time.

I was talking about
the ancient gods.

They are just like the Marvel,
DC comic superheroes.

They are very similar in their
jealousy and aggression
and all that kind of stuff.

They're exactly the same except
for spandex.

More spandex in the modern ones.
Less spandex more loincloth-y

in the ancient ones.
But out of all of them,

my analysis out of all of them,

Batman is the best because
he has psychological problems.

It's much more mature.
He's not from a planet, Bat,

he's not bitten by a bat,
he's got psychological problems,

which is a much more advanced
kind of idea.

So, his story was,
he was eight years old

and his parents died
and he inherited
the dukedom of Normandy.

In financial equivalence.

Just a lot of cash, right? His
parents died in a tragic thing,

they fell on spikes
and exploded. And...

But a few days after that,
he gets attacked
by a whole load of bats.

And little Bruce Wayne is going,
"God damn it, this is a bad week
for me."

But then he keeps getting these
nightmares. Nightmares of bats.
"Too many bats, man."

And then when he's 18 years old,
he says, " I must fight these
bats in my belfry."

And he becomes...

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Batman!

With a very deep voice.

But he's still Bruce Wayne,
he looks like Bruce Wayne,
so he has to adopt

a slightly higher cadence
in his voice, have you seen
the films?

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
"Hello, I'm Bruce Wayne,
how are you?

"No, I am not Batman,
he has a deeper voice.

"We have a similar shape, but

"we use the same trainer,
I believe, that's why.

"Oh, I do like the Bee Gees.

"Particularly their '70s work
where they started
to look more like owls."

So, as you know, Batman has
the power of a man,
the power of a bat.

And he wears the mask
of a bat. Disguised as a bat.

And he has a belt here
with all the travel stuff
you get at airports.

There's little sprays and little
creams and stuff.

And he's against bad people,
wherever they are.

"Are you bad people?
You've done many bad things."

"We have done bad things,
but that's what we do,
we're bad people."

"I am your worst nightmare,
for I am the Batman."

"It's the Batman,
run from the Batman."

But surely bats
can attack anyone,

anytime, anyplace, anywhere.

Could attack anyone all over
the world. It could be
a giraffe in Africa.

♪ I'm a giraffe in Africa

♪ Just munching the leaves
from the trees

♪ And talking to the birds
and the bees ♪

"Fucking hell,
what's all these bats doing?

"Too many bats,
why are you attacking..."

"Bat giraffe.

"Power of a giraffe,
power of a bat.

"Disguised as a bat.

"Travel section."

Against bad giraffes
wherever they may be.

"You giraffe, you've taken
far too many leaves.

"But I am your worst nightmare,
for I am Bat Giraffe."

"It's Bat Giraffe, run from
the Bat Giraffe."
"I'm coming to get you."

Or maybe a crocodile.

♪ I'm a crocodile just swimming
down the Nile

♪ Trying to rhyme with Nile

♪ And all the whiles

♪ That's quite difficult
if I file my teeth ♪

"Fucking hell, bats!
What are these bats doing?

"Underwater bats?
That's very unusual."

"Bat Crocodile.

"Power of a crocodile,
power of a bat."

That's really just a crocodile,
isn't it?

In a Halloween mask.

I don't think the bat skills
will really help that crocodile
do anything

that the crocodile
couldn't already do.

But of course,
there's one animal

that I think you would like
to see the adventures of if it
was attacked by a bat.

I think you would watch
the films, you'd read the books.
I would too.

And those would be
the adventures of...

Bat-bat.

♪ I'm a fruit bat
I'm a fruit bat

♪ And at every night at three

♪ I go out looking for
strawberries

♪ But we don't find them
'cause you can't see
shit at night

♪ You can't see shit at night

♪ So, I don't know why we're
not day bats, day bats

♪ Day bats would see more
strawberries but night bats
we don't see any

♪ That's probably why
we are so trim ♪

"Fucking hell, lads,
I'm on your side.

"Why are you attacking...
It doesn't make any..."

"Bat-bat.

"Power of a bat, power of
another bat. Two-bat power.

"Disguised as himself.

"Travel section.

"Against bad bats, wherever
they may be.

"You bats, you've taken
far too many bananas."

"We have indeed, we'll sell
these bananas to a monkey
we know.

"He will...

"He will give us tapes,
we will learn German."

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

"But I am your worst nightmare."
[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Ich bin Bat-bat.

"You are a bad bat?"

"No, I am Bat-bat,
with two T's."

"Your grammar's atrocious,
bat has only one T."

"No, it's bat. B-A-T-B-A-T,
you see.

"Just like
Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

"It's a bit like..."
"Oh, so you work for the UN?"

"I did work there,
I was in the canteen,

"but there's no... you can't
really get a promotion.

"It doesn't go canteen
to diplomat. There's a...

"Oh, fuck off."

But finally tonight,
I'm gonna leave you

with the story of imagination.

Now, talking plus imagination,
equals us.

That's my analysis of
the distillation of humanity.

Talking without imagination
is just this.

"Well, I went down the road
and went in the shops today.

"Went and I bought
some soup. I bought the soup
and paid for the soup.

"I came back and I cooked
the soup and I ate the soup
and I went to bed."

That's talking
without imagination.

Imagination without talking
is more like...

[MUMBLING WITH ENTHUSIASM]

But we have imagination.
We do, oh, we do.

We have written books
with our imagination.

Books from Beowulf up to a book
that was written recently.

And one of those books was
Lord of the Rings.

Written by J.R.R. Tolkien.

Who, as you know, was born
J.R.R.R.R.R.R. Tolkien.

In Bloemfontein, South Africa.

And he grew up there
in the 1800s,
in his first few years.

And he would say to his mother,
"Mother, are we South African?"
"We are South African."

"J.R.R. to the power of nine.

"We are indeed."

"Is this an Afrikaans accent?"

"It is indeed
an Afrikaans accent."

"So, are we racist?" "Well, we
are only as racist as any other
white person in the 1800s.

"'Cause most people are,
unfortunately, racist people."

"That is not so good, Mum."
"No, it's not."

"And will we get less racist
in South Africa?"

"Well, actually we'll get
more racist.

"In 1948,
we will start Apartheid.

"But then that will eventually
finish in 1994.

"Nelson Mandela will become
the first Black president
of South Africa.

"And he will encourage us to win
the Rugby World Cup.
We win it three times.

"And the third time, a Black
captain will raise the cup and
that will be a wonderful day."

"Excellent news, Mum.
How do you know this?"

"A transvestite
told me about this.

"He was from the future."

"Transvestite?"
"Well, transgender,
he changed the...

"The language changes
over the period of time."

"Mum, what has happened to Dad?"
"Oh, Dad has exploded

"and fallen on a spike.

"We must leave South Africa,
J.R.R. to the power of nine.

"We're gonna go to Birmingham,
in England."

"Why there?"
"It is the next logical
place to go.

"In the chess game of life."

So, as you may know, he moved
to Birmingham, he grew up there.

The Birmingham accent is much
more like that...
[MUMBLES]

And so when he's about five
or six, he's got
a completely weird accent.

Kinda South African,
kinda Birmingham.

And he realizes he's got
far too many R's in his name.

And he turns to his mother,
in his new Birmingham,
South African twang,

and he says to her, "Mother!

"Oh."

[MUMBLING]

His mother replied,
"What the hell did you
just say to me?

"No one understands that,
that doesn't make any sense.

"Have another
go at that, J.R.R."

[MUMBLING]

"No, that was a bit worse,
if anything.

"I'll tell you what,
J.R.R. to the power of nine.

"Why don't you write it all down
in a big book and never
talk again?"

And that's how
Lord of the Rings
was born.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

In that book, he put in

two bad guys. No one has ever
done two bad guys before.
But he put in two bad guys.

One was called Sauron,
the other was called Saruman.

And if you're a dyslexic kid,

that's the same guy.

I could not follow
what was going on.

Would it have been so hard
to have had Sauron and Jeff?

"I am the wizard Jeff.

"Not Sauron at all."

That would've helped, but no,
he didn't do that.

Now ignore Sauron, if you don't
know the story, ignore Sauron.

He's an eyeball on a hill.

Got no arms, no legs,
no eyebrows.

Chuck a towel over him
and he's toast.

Now, in the story, if you follow
it, there's Jeff slash Saruman,

the bad wizard, and he fights
Gandalf, and they fight
with magic wands,

sticks and frying pans.

And it goes on for about
ten minutes.
It's quite a good fight.

And eventually,
Gandalf is overpowered

'cause Saruman does this trick
of saying, "Is that a budgie
over there?"

And he knees him in the bollocks

and Gandalf goes,
"Fucking hell, eh?"

Because Gandalf grew up
in Liverpool.

So, then Gandalf's imprisoned
on the top of
the Tower of Isengard,

which is eight kilometers high,
five miles high.

And he's up there going,
"I'm imprisoned five miles...
eight kilometers high.

"Oh...

"Oh, now I know the difference
between the metric and imperial
system of measurement.

"And maybe I will use this
five over eight algorithm

"while I'm running marathons,
maybe to change

"the distances
between each other,

"just as a mind exercise."

I don't... Anyway, so,
Gandalf is up there

and the weather is atrocious,
if you've seen the film.

Stormy and crazy and then
a butterfly comes by.

What on earth a butterfly is
doing eight kilometers up?

"I am completely lost,
I dunno where...

"I haven't seen a flower
for ages, I don't know...

"Oh, look, there's a bloke
in a dress. I'll go and have
a chat with him."

Gandalf grabs the butterfly,
"Hey, hey."

And because people can hear,
bad people are around.

Because bad people are
around, Gandalf
whispers to him, "Hey..."

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

"What?"

"What did you not understand?"
"I didn't understand
any of that.

"You didn't seem to be
talking English."

"I was doing sotto voce."

"Oh. you're Italian?"
"No, it's, uh...

"Look, I'll tell you again.
There's two bad guys.

"One's called Sauron,
the other's called Saruman."

"This is the same guy?"
"Different guys."

"Their names...
Just call one of them Jeff."

"Look, you've got a mission.

"I want you to go to
Misty Mountains, find an eagle,

"come back here
and I can escape."

"Okay, Misty Mountains, eagle,
come back, escape.

"Where are the Misty Mountains?"
"They're 800 kilometers..."

"500 miles?"
"Apparently so."

"Is there a car hire place
near here?" "What?"

"Well, how am I gonna get
800 kilometers?" "Oh, you fly."
"Oh, there's an airport?"

"No."

"Isengard airport?" "No.

"No, use these things."

"Oh, these things?
These are beer mats.

"I'm an ant,
I was hand-gliding."

"Really?" "Ah...

"All right. Let's do it.

"Okay, I'll do this.
Will this be in the film?"

"Yeah, this bit
will be in the film."

"So, when I fly,
a butterfly, 800 kilometers,
that's worth filming, yeah?

"Finding an eagle,
telling an eagle, not being
eaten by an eagle,

"get the eagle to come back,
pick you up,

"that's worth filming, yeah?
Being in the film?"

"Yeah, it could be in the film."

"Bastard.

"I'm going anyway.
All right, here goes.

"Wait, what are you doing?"
"I listen to music.

"It's a Baby Driver thing,
I gotta...

"get there. Got a set list."

[HUMMING DRAMATIC MUSIC]

After four hours, Gandalf's
going, "I can still see you,
you know?"

"I'm a fucking butterfly."

They cut that out of the film.
I have no idea why.

I'm gonna leave you tonight
by telling Dad's last joke.

'Cause I came from a family
where there was no religion
at home.

We just had fun, we had fun,
we had seasons in the sun.

We used to muck about,
we used to throw mud balls
at passing cars,

we'd play around, I'd drink
a lot of lemonade

and eat cake mix
and go on adventures.

And then at Christmas, Mum would
say, "What do you want
for Christmas?"

to me and my brother Mark.
We'd write down

stuff on a piece of paper
and she'd put it in the fire.

And it would go up the fire,
which I thought was wonderful.

Dad was obviously on the roof
going, "I can't read this.

Hello?"

And so Christmas was like that
and summers were long,
hot summer days.

And playing in the fields
behind the house.

And then Mum would make a salad.
Salads were okay for kids.

But when you smothered it
with that yellow salad cream,

it tasted pretty good,

'cause that is apparently sugar

in a yellow paste.

But then Mum died,
far too long ago.

And Dad went on and he had
a good job, he got
a good pension.

And I said to Dad, "You created
a concrete runway here.

"And I'm gonna run down
that runway, I'm gonna take off.
I'm gonna take some chances.

"Because of you, you've given me
that confidence."

And he said to me, "You've
always had some crazy ideas.

"But the difference is now,
some of them have worked."

Which is kind of true.

So, here it is, Dad's last joke.

Dad liked hearing jokes
and retelling jokes.

And he would phone my brother

and tell him the jokes and laugh
at his own joke.

He never told me them, he always
told my brother. I think maybe

he might've thought I might've
marked him on them,

as a professional comedian.
"That's a good joke, Dad.

"But the end was a bit fuzzy,

"um, bit more pacing."

I dunno why, but I never
heard them.

But my brother heard them
and he read this joke out
at his funeral last year.

So, here's Dad's last joke.

A rabbit goes into
a butcher shop

and says, "Hello,
do you have any carrots?"

And the butcher goes, "No,
this is a butcher shop,
we don't have any carrots.

"We do meats here, that's what
butchers do. There's no carrots
here at all."

"No carrots at all?
Ah, I was misinformed."

So, the rabbit goes away.

Now, the next day, could be
a Tuesday, no one really knows.

The same rabbit goes to
the butcher, "Hello, do
you have any carrots?"

Butcher goes, "No this
is a butcher shop.

"Didn't I tell you this
yesterday? Aren't you the same
rabbit that came in yesterday?

"Look there's no carrots here.
You need a carrot shop.
Carrots R Us, Marks and Carrots.

"One of the carrot shops."
"Oh, I need to go? Ah, I see.

"I didn't quite understand
where... Ah, I will go there."

So, that was the end of day two.
Day three, same rabbit,
same butcher shop.

"Hi, there,
do you have any carrots?"

"No, we don't have
any bloody carrots!

"I dunno...
You keep coming in,
you keep asking this.

"You come again, I'm gonna
nail your ears to the wall."

"Ears to the wall?
That will not help me

"in my quest for carrots."

"Well, don't bloody
come in here, then."

So, the rabbit goes away.
Day four comes along.

Rabbit does not go
to the butcher shop.

Day five comes, rabbit does not
go to the butcher shop.

Sixth day comes along.

Rabbit goes to the butcher shop.

"Hi, there,
do you have any nails?"

"Do I have any nails? No,
I do not have any nails."

"Right.

"Do you have any carrots?"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I think we are so lucky
to have this.

We are here because we
are lucky enough to be here.

What is the meaning of life?
There isn't one.

We have to put meaning into it.

I think this century,
21st century,

is a coming-of-age century
for humanity.

We either are gonna wipe
ourselves off the planet,

or we're gonna make it a fair
world for 7.5 billion people.

It's up to us.
If we can do that,

if we can make that happen,

it will be Wunderbar.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

So, this has come
from my brother's attic.

It's a historical game.

It's also got history to it.

I talk about it in the show.

It's called
Waddington's Campaign.

This is the very one.

My brother, my father and me
were playing.

My brother is so competitive
in board games.

His life is more tranquil,
but board games, any games...

very competitive. Plays to win.

I'm amazed how well it's kept.

Be interesting to see if
there any marks of it
being thrown against a wall.

A bit battered up there.

Yeah, there's a thing that Dad
would say,

particularly in Monopoly,
'cause you get fines
in Monopoly.

He would get fines and
he'd say, "A mere bagatelle."

Which was just his saying or
a saying that was out there.
I'd never heard it before.

And I do remember when I was
running my marathons in the UK,

I had five marathons to go.

Already run 38,
only got five to go.

I just ad-libbed "a mere
bagatelle" to the cameras.

I thought, "Oh, my dad
used to say that."

And that's where it came from.
That came from Dad
playing board games.

Yeah, so now I'm gonna
put this away.

I don't think I can play
Campaign right this second.

So, yeah. So fuck off.