Eddie Izzard: Unrepeatable (1994) - full transcript

La, la, la... Well, God...

Whoa!

Jesus.

So, yes, well, er...

Show time.

It's a crap beginning,
just walking on and going like this.

I haven't got beginnings worked out.

If it's West End,
people expect a huge beginning.

In a musical,
400 people will be on in the first number.

Even if the cast's only 30, 400 people on,

going, "It's Hollywood!"



They always go
about three directions at once.

Or if it's a Shakespeare, in the West End,
then there'd be moody lighting.

Three old people saying,
"When shall we three meet again?"

"Tuesday?" "OK."

"I'II get back to you on that.

"I dropped my diary in the cauldron.
Fucking hell."

If it was Pinter, then two people come on,

face different directions and...

I'm not sure. I haven't read his plays.

I should but, you know, certain people
are widely read, I'm thinly read.

I've read fuck all. And
I'm very proud of it.

People say,
"I read Dr Bonowski's book on cat eating

"by... Mahaba..."

I just haven't read anything.



Even books... Cos I'm partially dyslexic.

I was fully dyslexic till someone
more dyslexic said,

"You're only partially dyslexic."

There's a lot of rivalry
in the dyslexic camp.

Rivalry with three Vs.

"How bad's your handwriting?"
"Mine's all over the place.

"Huge loops."

Yeah, but it's done me all right.

So anyway, advertising.

That's what I brought you here
to talk about. Advertising.

I've noticed that certain people
in the advertising area

get paid huge wodges of cash
in brown bags

in order to subtly adjust our minds.

Because in the old days, before the '50s,
adverts were more blatant.

They were more, "Go on, there it is,
come on. I haven't got all day."

And as consumers, we were much more,
"OK, I didn't realise...

"Don't hit me."

Nowadays, we have choice.

We're more choosy
and more aware of what we can buy,

so adverts are more subtle, the soft sell.

Adverts are much more like...

"Oh! Look at that.

"Those two people like it

"and they're shagging."

That's what happens.
Shagging sells everything.

There's that coffee advert.
"Cup of coffee? Let's shag."

Two bits of chocolate.

One eats one, one eats the other.
"Let's have a shag."

That cleaning stuff. Clean the floor,

then you shag on the floor.

Dog food, dog eats dog food...

And, anyway. So...

Not sure what happens there

but, yes, generally, generally.

Now, the washing area,

washing powder, launderette,

that's an advertising-Ied area.

Adverts say, "Wash your clothes

"or no one will shag you."

And if there wasn't all the advertising,

we'd just spray our clothes and go,

"That smells OK now it's been sprayed."

It's a ceremony. Washing your clothes.

You can take it down the launderette.

You usually get three months' worth
of washing into a huge bag

and drag it down the launderette,

wearing clothes
that should be in the bag, really.

That's what you wear to the launderette,

that's why you've gone,
cos you've got nothing left.

You're wearing dressing gowns to work
and stuff like that.

You throw it in the wash
and they've got big machines,

huge machines with big porthole windows.

You shove it all in.
Never separate out at a launderette.

And you've got one choice - bizarre wash.

You must sacrifice a few socks and a
pair of pants to the god of launderette

who lives at the back of the machines
with chopsticks.

"Ooh, lovely, yes.

"Sock, lovely.
Bit of fabric softener. In it goes."

You shove your washing into a tumble dryer

and the tumble dryer glues it together
with static electricity.

So that you get the washing out,
put it on your head, walk home.

You put some socks on and the rest
of the washing says, "We're coming, too."

"Piss off. Go home.

"Get off. I'm just wearing these."

"No, static."

You're trying to chat someone up.
"I've been...

"Piss off.

"I don't know whose it is.
It's stray, stray washing.

"Yeah, erm...

"Look, fabric softener. Go on, chase."

Or you can wash your clothes at home.

In people's flats and houses,
they have a machine

with a huge dial
with all the letters of the alphabet on

and no instructions.

You've just gotta guess.
You say, "I'II have an H wash."

That sounds fine. You stuff it all in

and you get it going
and a pair of socks come in.

"Sorry we're late. Sorry.

"Lying in the dust at the back,
where you left us.

"Has the programme started?
For fuck's sake.

"How did it start?"

You let the socks back in to the washing

and they go,
"'Scuse me. Sorry. Pardon me.

"We're supposed to be here.
We got tickets, look."

Or you do a whites wash.
"I will wash my white clothes."

You shove your whites in a pile

and you put some clothes in there
which are almost white.

And then you think, "No,"
and you take them out.

"Actually, no, they'II be fine.

"AII right, that can go in.

"I've washed it a few times now."

For a couple of days,
you just go backwards and forwards

and then you shove it all in.

The coloured clothes say,
"He is doing a whites wash first.

"That pisses me off.

"OK. Blue underpants,
you will infiltrate whites wash.

"You are our best undercover clothing.

"We have forged papers.

"You will be disguised
as a white handkerchief.

"These have been done up
by Donald Pleasence.

"You've been practising the accent?"

(Falsetto) "Yes, I have."
"Very good. Now off you go."

Blue underpants goes...
(Falsetto) "Ooh, hello!"

Sneaks inside the white wash,
usually inside a shirt.

Shirts are a bit dopey, aren't they?
"Urrgh? Huh?

"Oooh? Oh, oh."

AII gets in and whites wash goes in

and, as soon as the clothing
starts going round

blue underpants comes up to the window
and goes, "Hello!

"Hello. Blue pants here!"

"Blue pants in the whites wash.
Get the blue pants out.

"In emergency, break glass.
Smash glass with axe."

Blue pants going,
"I'm draining, I'm draining!"

If your clothes came out
a vibrant blue, it would be fine.

But they come out a colour that's called,
"Pants left in wash".

And people know and they point and go...
"Yes, yes."

And then they stab you.

Apparently, sometimes.

In America. Erm...

Yeah. So, this is it. So these adverts...

Now we're more sophisticated
as consumers.

In supermarkets, we read the labels.

"This jam is made by Nazis

"out of dead twigs, bits of mud and spit.

"Well, I don't think I'II have that one.

"This jam is made by groovy people

"out of fruit that agreed to be in the jam
in the first place.

"Volunteer fruit.

"Better known as free-range fruit.

"Allowed to casually chat to chickens."

Free-range chickens are so pushy,
aren't they?

They go, "AII this field
we range through now.

"We bought the next field.
We range through there.

"The big house at the back,
we've knocked that down.

"The farmhouse, yes.

"And that's our Range Rover over there."

Have you seen those Range Rovers
with high seats and chickens driving along?

They've got such attitude.
Keep winding down the window. (Clucks)

Depends how much you've smoked.

So we are more sophisticated
and the adverts are more sophisticated.

They have stories and graphics

and cryptic adverts
where you have to work out what it's about.

Then you go, "I see."
Then you don't buy it. That fucked up.

But the washing powder people
have come to the conclusion

that we prefer this bloke with a clipboard
we've had since the '50s.

Someone locked in a supermarket going,
"Are you happy with your wash?"

Or on motorways,
"Are you happy with your wash?

"Tell me, are you happy with your wash?"

You just... "Are you happy with your wash?

"Cheers. Thanks very much."

Small dog. "Happy with your wash?"

"I'm a dog. I don't know."

But I've also got very interested
in the secret service.

Good link, eh?

I was watching this recent thing.

People have been attacking Prince Charles.

The surrealist movement
have been attacking him

with hairspray, bits of jelly.

One was with a starting pistol.

Now you can't start someone to death.
It doesn't work.

Bang!

"What's going on? Just having a
chat with people in Australia."

Bang!

After about 100 of those, you're pissed off

but you're not actually dead.

He was very cool, Prince Charles.

He was doing all this cuffs thing
that he does before he makes speeches.

I think it's a nervous thing, as if
he's going, "Where's my fucking shirt?

"I thought I was showing."

Or it could be a magic trick he's doing.
"Just look in there, look in there.

"Bunch of flowers."

He was doing that
and the first shot went off... Bang!

And he went "Missed."

And the second shot, bang.

"Do you have a problem?"
I watched the secret service people.

They're always there in the suits
and the dark glasses.

They have one hand always in there
as if they could just go,

"Bunch of flowers."

And they look so good. They look so...

They give off this feeling of elite, highly
trained "Oh-ho-ho-ho! Don't fuck with us."

That kind of thing. They always move.

You don't see them cos they're shadowing.

They never come in front
of the person and...

"Come on."

It's a bit too overactive as security...
"Come on. I'II take you all on.

"Where's he gone?"

They're just cool and calm
and "Bunch of flowers."

They seem highly trained until you see
some sort of rumpus, attack.

I saw the Reagan one on TV, years ago,
and this one with Prince Charles

and their image changed from highly trained

to "Fucking get him, Kev. Get him.

"Run, Charlie, run!

"Hit him with a broom.

"Rough his hair up. I hate that.

"Run. Run for your life.

"Hit him with that bucket."

It's not really what you want, is it?

It doesn't look controlled.
You want the Dr Spock,

not Dr, Mr Spock kind of thing,

where he does that thing
and you go "boof!"

Not this "Rough him up,
pull his shirt down.

"Trip him over."

Yeah, that's what I think.
It doesn't look very safe.

I've been watching
Prime Minister's question time,

which isn't Prime Minister's question time.

No one answers anything. That's the trick.

You ask another question back,
to get out of it.

Someone says,
"Can you explain, Mr Prime Minister,

"why everything's gone wrong?"

And he always gets up and says,
"If you remember 20 years ago...

"I wasn't here. So it's not my fault."

You sit down and everyone backs you up

by going "Toilet paper,
toilet paper in our time.

"Whatever you say."

But the main competition seems to be,

especially the cabinet members...

They get up to this podium
with a huge ring binder

with all their physics
revision notes in it.

"I have to learn all this by tomorrow,
so fuck off."

The other side's going, "I've gotta learn
all this by tonight, so fuck off."

They've just got huge ring binders,
with all this stuff on.

That's what it seems to be.

John Major got away
with a great one, recently.

He was talking about the civil service.
A report had said it was wasteful.

He said, "If you don't think
the civil service is the best in the world,

"then you should."

Bit of a dodgy argument there, you know.
"Then you should."

I remember when I was five,
going, "You smell... cos you do.

"You're a twit... cos you are."

"Then you should."

Politically, I'm a radical liberal.

I would be a liberal
but the image of the liberal is...

Because left and right have been
in power for a long time,

the image of the liberal is, sort of...
"I'm not sure.

"Really? I'm on the fence here."
But not for me.

I'm passionate
about free health service for all.

That's a groovy, world idea.

But businesses don't have to be
raping and pillaging, they can be groovy.

Revolutionary liberal, that sounds better.

Storm the Houses of Parliament,
kick the fucking doors in

and say, "We'II pay for the damage.

"Just... Have a revolution,
just budget for it, right?"

I'm positive about being European.

I think we have a problem...
English speakers have a problem.

We go round the world going, "Hello.

"Hello, do you speak English? Hello."

In Afghanistan,
"Sausage, egg and chips, please.

"No, sausage, egg and chips.

"OK, two sausages.

"Do you speak English?

"You just don't try, do you?

"There all day, speaking Afghan."

That's a dog, isn't it?

In Holland, people are quatrilingual. They
speak Dutch, German, French and English.

And they smoke dope as well.

How do they have time?

In Britain, we officially don't
and we speak one language, just about.

In Holland, they don't smoke dope,
cos they can. Cos it's legalised.

They just say,
"No, I live here. I don't need to, man."

Whereas British people over there go mad.

They go, "Fucking hell..."

Aaaah!

"How long have you been here, man?"
"A minute."

"Have you seen the
canals?" "I am a canal."

Yes. So, erm...

I'm also into people who shout for
a living. I'm quite into them.

There's these market stall traders
who stand on markets all day

going, "Fourpence a pound!
Fourpence a pound!

"Fourpence a pound..."

You say, "How much are the apples?"
"20 quid, mate."

"You were shouting, 'Fourpence a pound."'
"I shout fourpence

"but fruit's 20 quid,
it's very expensive."

But it looks nice, all the fruit,

so you go, "I'II have
some apples and oranges."

And they always reach behind,
to this fruit graveyard.

"Just ladle you out some fruit here.

"There we go. It's bit runny."

Auctioneers are crazy.
They shout for a living.

There's the posh ones
at Sotheby's and Christie's.

"This is a 1 4th-century Ming thing

"made out of Ming, by Mr Ming,

"in the Ming period.

"If you don't like Ming,
don't touch this one.

"Do I hear two million pounds?"
"Fuck off." "I heard that."

People do phone bidding.
Don't. It's dangerous.

You go, "Two million pounds."
"Take that." "2,100,000."

"2,200,000." "Take that."
"Sold to the bloke on the phone."

"He's gone.

"I think he was called Greg.

"It was ringing, I picked it up.
I didn't know.

"I work in the kitchen. I'm sorry.

"I've only got a tenner. One, two..."

There's auctioneers in the cattle markets.

And they're just crazy. They're going...

(Droning) Hala bingum bada nana 50
alla alla bada 60

yana yana yana 70
ana woolly ana murla murla...

And all the cows and sheep are going,
"Is it me up on this one or is it you?"

If you're an observer don't move a muscle.
Don't cough.

"?4,000." "No, no."

"Another ?5,000, the man here.

"Another ?10,000, the man here.

"Another ?2,000, the man here.

"Total of ?19,000
to a man bidding against himself

"for the small dog, here."

Dog's going, "I'm not
happy with my wash."

"What are you doing here?"

Cats and dogs are interesting
cos we have a pet relationship with them.

Other animals don't do this.
Giraffes do not have pet gazelles.

"Gazelle, go and run in Africa."

No, they don't say that.

Pets lower our blood pressure.

This is official.
They lower our blood pressure.

I don't know how they do that.

You stroke them. You go to sleep.

And the dog puts one of those
big puffy things on your arm

and goes... (Chuffing)

(Hissing)

(Chuffing)

(Hissing)

"It's 180 over 60."

"What does that mean?"
"I don't know. I'm a dog."

(Hissing)

When doctors do that,
they're not taking your blood pressure.

They've got a jumpy spider behind you.

That's what they're doing.

Cos I saw one once. I said, "You've
got a jumpy spider behind my back."

He said, "Yeah, that's what we do.
Jumpy spiders.

"Ooh, the jumpy spiders,
the jumpy spiders."

It's true.

So that's what they do.

Dog takes your blood pressure,
you fall asleep

and the cat drains the blood from your body

and sells it to a mobile blood bank.

That's why you wake up feeling anaemic

and seeing your cat and dog
counting out fivers as a van pulls off.

Have you ever had that?

They lower our blood pressure. You
stroke a dog, it starts to go, "Woooooh."

And cats go... (Purrs)

Because they're drilling, aren't they?

Yeah, they drill for gold! Drill for oil,

they drill for anything,
just for the love of drilling.

When they're behind your sofa,
they're just drilling. (Purrs)

They've got goggles on, it's OK. (Purrs)

There's a compressor over there. (Purrs)

Your friends say, "I think your
cat's drilling behind your sofa."

"I don't think so. That's purring,
that noise. Cat, are you drilling?"

The cat hears this and whips off
the goggles and says, "No, no.

"Drilling? No. I'm a cat.

"How would I know how to drill?

"That's purring, you're thinking of.

"Yeah, it's purring.
Having a good old purr back here.

"No drilling. No, OK."

(Purrs)

Sometimes they drill 40 or 50 feet down.

Just for the hell of it.

Cats are cooler than dogs.
Cats have a scam going.

You buy them food, they eat the food,
they go away. That's the deal.

You have no control over your cat.

You can't say to your cat,
"Heel, stay, wait, lie down, roll over."

Cos the cat'II just be sitting there,
going, "Interesting words.

"Have you finished?"

When you're shouting all this at your cat,
your dog's right next to you, going...

"What are you doing?
I'm talking to the cat." "Sorry."

You wouldn't train your cat.
"Come for training.

"St... st... Hello? Hello?"

They just don't care. They just piss off.

And the dogs and cats eat dog and cat food

and you do this new, improved
cat and dog food thing.

I don't know how you tell
whether it's improved.

Do humans go, "Mmm, lovely"?

I mean, dogs just eat anything. Dogs go...

Whatever that is.

You say, "Is that... Is it new, improved?
Does it taste good?"

The dog's going, "I don't know.

"Oh, it's all over my shirt now.

"Jesus. I just want to eat it."

Cats are much more choosy.
Cats look through the food.

"So this is...?

"New, improved. Is it really?

"Is it really?

"Well, I'm going out."

They walk up to the cat door
and they just stop, turn round and go,

"Keys."

Your dog goes, "Can I go out?"

You go, "No, I'm busy at the moment."

"But the cat went out." "Yes."

"And I can't go out?" "No.

"He has a cat door, you see." "Right.

"And why?" "I've no idea."

Which was the first cat that
persuaded a human to put a cat door in?

We throw sticks for dogs.
You wouldn't throw one for a cat.

You throw sticks for dogs and dogs go,

"He's dropped his stick.
Better go and get that.

"Saw you drop your stick, there.

"Thought I'd bring it back.

"You hang on...

"Did you see me just bring that back?

"And then you... You dropped it again.

"It's very weird.
I don't know what's going on here.

"Now hang on to it this time.
I don't want to piss about all the time.

"Do you think I enjoy this? Ha!

"There you... Don't fucking throw it!"

That's why, the third time, they won't
give it to you. They go "No..."

And the cat door is a vertical version
of those saloon bar doors

where gunslingers, in Westerns,
would push their way in and say,

"I've come for you, Jed McGrew."

And everyone on the bar would say,
"You've come for who?"

"Jed Maguru.

"Jenny Gudru?

"The Gudur family?

"I'II go away then."

Cats have seen these Westerns on the telly.

You watch a cat.
They come in just like gunslingers.

They push their way in through the cat door
and just stand there on one hip.

The dogs in the kitchen stop moving.
Dog eating the food.

Another dog playing piano.

To get the tail out.

Cats are allowed out
cos they're responsible.

A fast car goes... Shoom!
And they go, "It's a Mazda."

Whereas dogs just go mad.

They get outside, "Gotta chase.
Car. Chase a car. Car!

"Car! Car!"

They chase cars up to 4,000 miles. "Car!"

They catch up with the car. (Panting)

"Tag. You're it."

And cats leap up six-foot walls.
They just go... Phwang!

And they land perfectly.

"And turn and walk,

"walk, walk, walk and turn.

"Walk and back flip and forward flip

"and dismount."

They always land perfectly.
They never do that wobbly gymnast...

You never see a cat
on a wall having a problem,

going, "Fucking hell.
Not sure about this."

Cat on the ground going,
"Easy, Ginger, I'II walk you down."

Yeah, that's it.
Contrary to what you may be thinking,

it's not all roses being
a transvestite, you know?

It's not that, you know...

People say, "You transvestites,
living off the state, " they say.

"Why don't you just get back to Russia?"

"What's in Russia?"
"I don't know. A load of transvestites."

In Russia, they say,
"Get back to wherever you were told

"to get back from before you came."
I don't know who they are.

Some say, "I wish I was a transvestite."

I say, "If you work hard at school,
maybe one day.

"Your exams."

So, if you're transvestite, people gossip.
I knew that would happen.

They do car noises about me. That's weird.

They go... (Sneering)

(Sneering becomes car engine noise)

(Revving, tyres squealing)

(Tyres squeal)

(Crash)

In films, there's lots of car chases.

There's no car chases in books, are there?

"He drove. He looked in the mirror.
Behind him. The man was driving.

"He looked in the mirror, he was driving.

"They drove fast, faster,
driving fast then looking in the mirror.

"The other guy was pulling a face.
He was driving fast.

"Then there was a terrible crash."

Just doesn't work, does it? Anyway.

So, yes, that's me. People gossip.

I told people I was a transvestite,
so that steals their thunder.

"Have you heard...? He told you?

"Bastard. Good couple of hours
of gossip there."

What a glee warning.

"I bet he's not a transvestite."
"Yeah, that's it."

"I bet it's a tax dodge
to get a bigger clothing allowance."

"Yeah."

So, yes, what was I...? Oh, yes.
Clothe-wearing things.

Women put on trousers in the '20s.

At that time, people said,
"Women can't wear trousers.

"Back to Russia."
And women said, "And why not?"

People said, "Oh, very clever. Yes.

"Very clever question. Why not?"

There's no reason.
Women wear what they want.

They have total clothing rights,
which is groovy.

And so women wear
what they want and so do I.

That's how it works. It's
just a choice thing.

But a certain amount of stick goes with it.

Certain people give me a hard time.
They're dickhead men, usually.

And they hang out in groups of five.

I think that's because they have a fifth
of a personality each.

(Applause)

I appreciate your applause
but I don't do this for applause.

No, I do it for cash, it's much better.

They hang out in Leicester Square
in groups of five.

They just wait to shout at people.
It must be a sad fucking life.

You say, "Five o'clock,
better go and shout at people. Aaaah!

"That feels good."

And they just shout at you.
They go, "Oi, bloke in a dress! Ha-ha-ha!

"Bloke in a dress. Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!

"I told him.

"And he agreed. He is a bloke in a dress.

"Should have said something
more vitriolic."

And they shout at women. I don't know why.

"Oi, darling. Oi, darling! Ha-ha-ha!

"Oi, darling. Ha-ha-ha!

"I told her, too. Yes"

I think they're trying to chat up women.

"Oi, darling. You and me. You and me.
You and meeee!"

And if one woman ever did say,
"OK, let's go now,"

it would totally freak them out.

"She said yes!

"That's not the deal.
Not supposed to say yes.

"I don't know what to do.
I have no instructions."

You can't go out with someone like that.
You'd say, "Let's eat."

They'd go, "Wahey! Whooo! Big ones."

Actually, it's a code. If people shout at
you, the thing to know is it's a code.

What they're actually shouting is,
"Oi, darling, I'm a wanker.

"I'm a wanker.

"We all are, aren't we, Kev?"

They do this on building sites.

There must be builders on the sixth floor

who are putting bricks on top of bricks
and doing carpentry and electrics

but loads of builders seem to get up there

and just lean over the edge.

"Fucking hell. The cat sat on the mat!

"A. Trees. Banana.

"What... I can't read that word...

"Fuck off."

The construction companies must go mad.

"Sorry. We got to the sixth floor -
everybody's shouting off the balconies.

"They say they're calling other plasterers
to prayer. I don't understand."

Yeah, so this is it. And, erm...

I've, er...

When I was a kid, I knew I was TV.
That's the abbreviation for transvestite,

which is a bit confusing,
with television being TV as well.

But when I was a kid, I realised I was TV

and I didn't tell other kids,
on a cunning survival plan I worked out.

Don't tell other kids and survive school.
That was my plan.

I thought, if I was five and saying,
"I happen to be TV.

"I'm saying this
cos I thought you'd deal with it

"in a positive and groovy way."

I thought they'd say, "Thanks for that.
I'd like to say I appreciate it

"and grab sticks, lads, let's go!"

That's what I thought would happen.

Probably not, if I'd had
the guts to say it.

If you have the guts to say
"I am a transvestite and I don't care."

People go... "Oh."

"Why's he got...?"

People wanna go, "You're a transvestite."

If you say, "No, I'm not."
If you deny it, they go... "Ah! Ah!"

"No." "Ahh!"

That's the bully thing.
It's like the people in the street.

They would shout at me
and I've recently started saying,

"Yeah. Is there a problem?"
They go, "Bloke in a dress."

I'm going, "Yeah." Then they're going,

"Bloke in a dress.

"Bloke in a dress. He's a bit confident
for a bloke in a dress.

"Shouldn't he be backing off
at this point, as we go 'Ahh! Ahh!'?

"He hasn't got the victim mentality
we usually request

"at this point in the status debate."

That's what they're really thinking. Yes.

So, this is it. I didn't
tell kids at school

cos fascism still exists at school.

You've still got big kids saying, "Give me
stuff or I kill you. That's how it is."

It's rare that other kids say, "No.
We, the United Nations of Small Children

"have placed a sweet embargo on you,
big, hairy kid.

"I, Dr Boutros Boutros-Ghali small kid,

"will also be sending in two small kids
with blue hats on

"to check the dismantling
of your sweet-eating apparatus."

A lot of gay and lesbian people are out
and that's groovy.

They've separated sex and sexuality
from what you do for a living.

You work at a book shop.
Do you get on with the customers?

That's what's important.
Not who you sleep with.

They used to say,
"You're gay and you sell books.

"You probably shag the books. I'm sure.

"So we fire you for no reason at all."

Nowadays, it has improved.

If you're TV...
This is what I've gotta do cos the image...

Gay and lesbian people
don't associate with TV.

They go, "We know about them.
They live in a ditch somewhere."

It's a bit poor cousins, twice removed.
That kind of thing.

Since I've come out as being TV,

if I'm relaxed about it, everyone goes,
"What's the problem?"

Since I've come out,
most people go, "Yeah?"

80 per cent of the country
don't give a monkey's.

They just go, "You're TV, great.

"I'm cooking eggs. I don't really care."

There's ten per cent who are groovy

and there's ten per cent who are totally
homophobic, who go "Whuurgh! Whurrgh!

"Back to Russia."

If they want to be
homophobic, it's all right.

As long as they're homophobic
behind closed doors

- and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.
- (Scattered applause)

Three people. Well done.

So that's how I see it. Also, fear.

I've looked at fear in a big way.

Coming out, the world's saying,
"You're an abominable snowman."

And me going, "Don't think so."

You have to deal with this fear.

I go towards things that scare me now,
that's positive.

Not anything. Leaping off a cliff
onto a spike scares me.

And I don't tend to, "Let's go.
Here we go."

Crash helmet on... Great belly flop.

Not all things
but I've noticed this fear thing.

There's not many blokes in make-up
so people sometimes react really weird.

Sometimes I walk past people who just go...

Then I don't know what to do about them.
I say, "Hello."

They just drop out of normal life and go...

Going into a newsagent's is interesting.
I'm just buying something.

The newsagent's not seen
many blokes in make-up.

They see me
and I see the signal go to the brain.

The brain goes, "No information on this.

"No information.
No previous experience in this area.

"No previous experience.

"Don't know what the fuck to do.

"Suggestions - get Toffee Crisps
out the back. We'II do that.

"And Sellotape all the newspapers
together. AII right.

"What? What? What? What do you want?"

I can see that in their eyes.
I say, "I want a packet of crisps.

"I've got money." They
go, "You eat crisps?

"I thought you'd wanna shag crisps."
"Oh, we can do that."

It's funny. As soon as I start talking,
they go, "AII right."

Interesting. So I'm into ideas.
This is my thing.

You've gotta be if you're
dealing with this.

Philosophers write ideas down
on how they think the world works

and you can pick and choose from them.

Religions, I have a problem with. I'm not
religious cos they all tend to be exclusionist.

There's four or five big
ones and each says,

"We are the main religion
and all you guys have got it wrong."

The next one says, "No, ours is.

"We've got the thing upstairs and no."

So it doesn't bring the whole world
together. I like world ideas.

If you institutionalise an idea,
that's when it starts going wrong.

Like Mr Jesus of the Christ family.

"The Christs. They're
great at carpentry."

He wasn't writing things down.

He didn't go,
"The meek shall inherit the earth.

"Get that down, that's a cracker.

"That's a chapter heading, that one."

He spoke his stuff
and was killed by the Romans.

300 years later, the Gospels were written
by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

Who were friends
of Mary, Mungo and Midge.

Well, I have a problem with these names.

They're English. These English people.

This is Galilee, Judaea.

You've got names like Judas
and Jesus and Elijah

but Matthew, Mark, Luke and John?

Yes, this is our friend,
Jeremy, that's Sebastian

and Kenneth.

We're all from Galilee.

Who the fuck are they?

Yeah, so...

There was a disciple called Zebedee.

In Christian countries, people
are named after disciples but not Zebedee.

There was one Zebedee,
then 2,000 years later,

a thing on a spring with a big moustache.

Zebedee was the disciple with weird ideas.

He came up with the chocolate eggs idea,

being given out by bunny rabbits at Easter.

They're going, "Fucking hell, Zeb,
what are you on, man?"

"Chocolate eggs are good.
We could put things inside them."

"This is Galilee. They're gonna melt."

"That's true, yeah."

He never thought...
Must have had lots of fridges.

Perhaps not.

In the medieval period,
Christian religion moved into monasteries

and everyone had to wear brown,
it was the fashion.

It was about 200 years
of "fucking brown".

That's why the monks mumbled.
They used to go, "Brown again. Brown.

"Spring fashion, still brown.

"Autumn, brown. Fucking brown."

Cos you had two looks -
hood up or hood down. That was it.

Hood up for mysterious.

And hood down for, "Surprise! It's me."

Especially if you had a big Afro
underneath. Whoom! "Fucking hell."

And they would dance to Gregorian chants.

Which really never kicks in
as music, does it? (Drum sounds)

And they copied the Bible
from Greek into Latin.

And the first letter of each alphabet
was huge and ornate

cos that's how they read the Bible.

They used to go, "WWWWhen Jesus
came... He walked into..."

To wake people up.

"Sorry. I fell asleep there."

As humans, we think we're groovy
because we have two things.

We have communication
and we have thumbs.

Communication, so we can say,
"Well, I suppose so."

And thumbs, so that we can pick things up.

Otherwise, we'd just go...

Like cats do, when they have a ball
of something, they just knock it across.

If cats had thumbs, they'd go...

"This isn't so much
fun, for some reason."

Cats have a thumb halfway up their leg,
don't they?

They have a lazy thumb, it's called.

And the only reason they use it
is to flick rubber bands at people.

"Who did that? Did you do that?

"Did you do that, cat?
Did you flick that rubber band at me?

"Found your drilling equipment
the other day."

"He's found the drilling equipment.

"The goons have found the equipment.

"Open up Charlie tunnel.

"We dig round the clock."

Next day, you find a cat
that's walking over your cat litter.

Not in leggings, of course.

You're going,
"The cats are wearing trousers.

"What the hell's going on?

"I emptied the cat litter,
it's up to here. I've gone mad.

"I found three cats in the garden,
they'd dug their way out.

"One was dressed as a postman

"and had German passport papers.

"Another one dressed as a German guard.

"The third was on a motorbike,
going to Switzerland.

"Steve McCat's his name.

"Two in a rowing boat and another...
James Coburn."

Anyway.

"One couldn't really see.
He was on a plane. James Garner."

I'm quite into The Great Escape, you see.

Yes. What am I talking about?
Human beings. We value ourselves highly

but other animals do amazing things
and we skip over this.

Birds fly. This is amazing.
As a kid, you appreciate it

until you see one bird fly into a window
then you go, "Ah."

Live in the sky, die in a window, yes.

Whereas we just get in planes
and go straight into a cliff

which is much more healthy.

Birds do an amazing thing. Every winter,
they fly south for their holidays

and they don't get permission,
they just do it by ESP.

"Calling all birds.

"We're going to mass
outside Mrs Stevens' house.

"She's recently seen
Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds

"so it should freak her out.

"Bring your hooded look with you.

"We've chosen Greece
this year for our holidays.

"Please bring suntan cream, especially
you robins who always get terribly burnt."

They all mass up, all the birds,
looking mean and...

"We were extras in the film, yes."

And they're ready, then one bird
knows when to go and he goes...

They go, "It's Steve the bird.
Follow Steve the bird."

They shoot up in formation
but don't go to Greece for a while.

They just fly round and round
and round and round.

If you're 60 birds back in formation,

you must be going,
"Who the fuck's flying this year?

"Not Steve the bird, is it? He's terrible.

"We went to fucking Greece last year.

"Ended up in Torquay. God."

Out the front, Steve the bird's
got a huge map all over his face.

"Hold on, don't push.

"Let me get this map down.
Right, hold on.

"Is that a church with a spire?

"That's a post office.

"This is an Ordnance Survey
of the Lake District.

"Hold on, where's Greece?"

Also, they sing.
Birds do birdsong and it is beautiful

and people record it on tapes
and say, "It is beautiful."

But birdsong is territorial.
It's a claim for their territory.

If you translate it into English
you've got birds going,

"Fuck off out of here!

"You young sparrows, get a haircut.

"I know your dad."

You know that song,
A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square?

He actually sang,
"Fuck off out of Berkeley Square!

"It's my square. I'm a nightingale."

True. Yes.

And then there's flying fish.
They're weird.

Fish swim, except the flying ones.

Why do they fly?
They take off, out of the water, fly.

But they don't have feet. They can't walk.

They don't perch in trees

so, once up in the air,
all they can do is go,

"Fancy a swim?"

Strange. Mountain goats
scamper up mountains.

You never see them halfway
up the mountain,

knocking things in, clicking karabiners on.

"OK, climbing now."

They never use it unless
they do an overhang.

Mountaineers are halfway
up and these goats...

"Fucking mountain goats."

"There's a handhold
just there, mate. Go on."

Mountain goats get to the top, take photos.

Then straight back down,
past the mountaineers.

"Don't worry, we're doing lengths.
We'II be back in a bit."

Oh, yes. Takes me back to swimming. I...

I swam widths and lengths.
More of a widths person myself.

It used to be, "We're going swimming.

"You kids who can swim,
off you go and look lean and fit

"and cut through the water
like things that cut through water.

"Crap kids, here's a bit of polystyrene,

"go and humiliate yourselves
in the shallow end."

You got this float thing -
white, battered polystyrene.

You had to get in the shallow end

and do widths across.

It was terrible.
It was an aqua Zimmer frame.

Get to the side. (Pants)

Hup!

And you just crawl,
like a really slow waiter or something.

And you had two positions. This position

or Captain Speedy.

I did bronze survival swimming.

I could save people in bronzy kind of way.

What would happen was...

Gold survival swimming,
would bring you all the way in,

save your life, give you
a wash and brush up

and give you the bus fare home.

Silver service, they'd
bring you all the way in

and serve up some food.

Come on, go with it. And...

Bronze survival, we'd just bring them
to the shallow bit.

"Go on, you can walk this bit."
"You should take me all the way in."

"Pay for bronze, you get bronze, mate."

Point five of bronze
survival was interesting.

It said, "When you fall into the water,

"quickly remove your pyjamas."

Pyjamas?

I thought, "Must remember,
always go on holiday in pyjamas."

"Remove your pyjamas, tie knots in
the arms and legs and head and everything,

"whip them over your head
and inflate them

"to the size and consistency
of a small speedboat."

Rescue ships going,
"Pick up the survivors.

"A ship has sunk. Look,
a kid on pyjamas."

(Engine noise)

Someone holding on to the legs
of your pyjamas, water-skiing behind.

(Engine noise)

Don't think it was going to happen.

And then there's bees and wasps.

As a kid, they're out to get you,
so you run away.

"Bees and wasps!"
And they're always just behind your head.

"Bees and wasps, just behind my head."

They're on a tractor beam.
They're the Klingons, they are.

And, erm... They chase you...
Your dad, who's working with them,

comes in and says, "Stand still."

"What? No."

And the wasps go, "Thanks, Dad."

Pow!

Later on, you realise bees aren't so bad

because they only sting you once

and only as a last resort, which is
the equivalent of the Do Or Die card

in Escape From Colditz, the board game.

And they make honey. That is
an amazing thing. Bees make honey?

We've known this since we were kids,
so we take it for granted

but bees are insecty,
furry-body, red... Not red.

Yellow and black stripy,
hairy-Ieggy, big ears...

Big ears? Big eyes, big...
Big ears, as well.

They leave them behind when they go out.

Got out of that one.

Medium-sized wings, they're buzzy things.

And they make fucking honey,
which is in your morning,

on your breakfasty, toasty,
in a jar kind of...

How do they do that?

I mean, do earwigs make chutney?

Do spiders make gravy?

What's going on? Earwigs going,
"Get the chutney under that stone.

"It's an earwig's life, isn't it,
being an earwig?

"Put the chutney in there.

"Get those from off the poppadoms."

And spiders saying,
"Gravy? No problem at all, mate.

"We'II make spider gravy.
The way spiders like to make it.

"Put that cube in there.

"Well done, Legs. There you go, mate.

"Can we have the measuring jug back
when you've finished? Ta."

So it's weird.
To make honey, ten bees get together,

fly down to a supermarket,

nick a jar of honey, bring it back.

And the queen bee just gets a big knife
and spreads it in,

in artist fashion,
in the big combs at the back.

The worker bees just look on.

The drone bees come in and go,
"Nyah-ma-nyah-ma-nyah."

"Just piss off, you drone bees."

"Nyah-ma-nyah-ma-nyah."

That's bees. This one-sting thing
doesn't work on wasps.

Wasps sting anything. "I'II sting him.

"I'II sting this guy over here.

"Pow! I'II sting this brick for no reason,
I'II sting this and this guy once again."

They sting everyone they want,
go back to the hive and make nothing.

Nothing at all.
They just smoke dope all day long.

AII through the summer.

In autumn, you get this wasp
stoned out of his brain...

Wandering across your carpet.

"I used to be a flyer. Yes.

"Fly through the sky. Those were the days.

"Me and Baron von Richthofen wasp."

Crowbarred that in.

"Now I'm a rambler.
No longer a flyer. I ramble.

"I like to ramble across carpets.
Ooh, I'm dead."

Yeah.

The other thing bees do,
bees look for pollen.

They go to the hive and say,
"I've found pollen."

The other bees say, "Where?"

Instead of telling them, they do an
intricate dance in front of them.

"Brian, where's the pollen?"

"Where's the bloody pollen, Brian?

"This leaping about stuff
can wait till later."

Why doesn't the bee
who's found it say, "Follow me. Bzzz."?

"There it is." That
would work, wouldn't it?

Ooh, they don't think.

But television, television...

No link. Erm...

Bees sometimes are on television
and television...

Is that what you want?

How does a bee sometimes
watch television?

They do, when they fly across...
In your lounge.

It goes past the telly
and just stops. Bzzzzz.

Cos, you know, they've seen it.
It's a repeat or something.

I'm interested in television,
although I rarely go on it

to say that I'm not going on television,
that I'm on because...

Which is working quite well.

I like it as a medium.
The whole world is getting it.

It's a communication tool, bringing
us together. That is a groovy thing.

And the B-movie genre,
this dumping ground of films in TV

has become a cultural item
cos there's so much of it.

I love it. I only watch TV now
between 12 and four in the morning.

You get this rubbish on.
I can watch it for hours.

I don't know why. I must just be crap.

Erm... The horror movies,
you know they're on,

even if you're not watching,
cos all the themes tunes are...

AII the titles of the films are
The Thing That Came From Somewhere.

The House That Jack Built.
Not that but anyway...

Expensive horror films have
more expensive theme tunes.

There'd be choirs of
small children going...

Then there's Dracula,
the most successful of all,

the biggest myth in our mind.

Dracula or Dracul

or Drac or D'.

Depends how well you know him.

But there was a weak link
in the Dracula story.

If you see one Dracula film or
hear about Dracula, you know what to do.

As soon as...
If a vampire came here right now,

we'd all do sign of the cross,
we'd do stake through the heart,

then we'd do garlic bread.

Perhaps garlic bread as a starter,

then stake through the heart, dessert.

Steak in the middle, of course, then...

Work it out. Erm, yeah.

We'd all know what to do.

And we've all thought this
without consciously putting it forward.

When you watch these films,
you think, "Does fingers work?"

Just doing the sign of the cross
with your fingers.

Do you have to have a cross with you
or can you do that?

If it's just fingers, it's great.
Anyone can do it.

We know that the cross works.

If the top gets knocked off, it's a T sign.
Does that work?

Would the vampire go, "It's a T sign.
I'm not stopping for that"?

But if you hold your thumb above it,
then it's a cross,

which means it's the shape,
so fingers should work.

If it's fingers, the
vampire's going, "Aha!

"I vill bite you now." You go, "No.
Fingers."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Aha! Haaaa!"

"No, I know about fingers too." "Oh."

"Aha-haa! Oh, you know too. OK."

It becomes like one of those questionnaire
people you meet on the street.

I think a few other things should work
with vampires.

Like a chainsaw, that should work.

If you removed a vampire's
arms and legs with a chainsaw,

that's gonna slow him down a bit, surely.

"See the vampire, see it fly!"

Someone lobbed that one.

"I am Dracula. I am here. Ha-ha-ha-haaa."

"But you're on a trolley, mate."

"Yes, there was a chainsaw, you see.

"Could you bend down?
I've dropped my keys."

"No, you're gonna bite me,
aren't you? I know.

"Just piss off, mate." (Squeaky wheels)

(Distant crash)

They piss around with the myth in a lot of
them but especially with vampires.

Like, we all know that Dracula
must be in bed by dawn.

AII vampires must be in bed by dawn
otherwise they go...

They turn into jelly with smoke.

We know this, this is a firm plank,

but if you saw... a firm plank of the myth.

But if you saw Francis Coppola's Dracula

with Gary Oldman as Vlad the Impaler,
he was very good.

"Vlad, the Impaler. (As Sean
Connery) "I'm Vlad, the Impaler."

That was Sean Connery in the other

Never Say Never A Dracula Again.

(Connery) "I'm Dracula. I've got
this thing in my watch. Fucking...

"This capsule that you put in your ear
and it explodes."

Yeah. Sorry.

Gary Oldman as Vlad the Impaler.

They wanted him to have scenes with Mina,
who looked like his old wife.

His wife from years ago,
as opposed to his old wife.

In the middle of it, it shoved this in,
they sneaked it in -

"Not many people know,
but vampires can go out during the day."

People were going, "Yeah."
I was going, "No, hold on.

"Absolutely not. No way."

What is a low-powered vampire, anyway?

They say they go out in the day
but they become low-powered.

What's a low-powered vampire?
One that goes...

"Can't actually fly any more."

One that leaps out at people.
"Ah-ha-haaa!"

Thbpt! "That's all I do.
No, I'm Daytime Vampire.

"Go on, thank you.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha." Thbpt!

"Cheers. Sign of the
cross to you too, mate."

Thbpt!

"Oh, at least react."

People going, "Officer,
there's a nutter in the park."

(West Country) "It's a low-powered vampire.
They're no bother this time of year.

"Be in bed by nightfall."

Yes. True story. I saw one vampire film
called Dracula's Dead.

He started off dead.
I thought, "No climax here."

But they said, "Few people know vampires
can come back to life after being deaded."

And I thought, "No."

"Oh, yes, if a pig comes by Castle Dracula
on a Tuesday playing a banjo."

A crowbar plot move.

Then it cuts to England
and four Victorian people saying,

(As James Mason) "Let's go to Castle Dracula
in Transylvania for no reason at all.

"You come with me.
I, James Mason, will go there.

"Come, Agatha, Tabitha, Bagatha, let's go

"to Castle Dracula
and increase the plot of this film."

In Transylvania they always go to a pub
for a bit of local colour.

People with big beards
you know are strapped on over the ears.

"Oo-arrr. Oo-arr.

"Oo-arr. Ooh-hoo!

"Which gap do I drink through?"

Pull the beard out, have
a drink, put it back.

"Ooo-arrr, folks round here
aren't from round here.

"We're from Devon.

"Came over for the skiing.
Food's a bit weird but anyway."

"Hello, my name's James Mason.
I'm going to go to Castle Dracula.

"This is Agatha, Tabitha and Bagatha.

"Bagatha's a bit weird but there you go."

"I wouldn't go up to Castle Dracula, sir.

"You get filmed if you go up there."

"Nevertheless, we wish to go,

"otherwise the film's all about
four people going to a pub."

"Oh, no one laughed at that joke, mate.

"You're a crap James Mason.
You missed something out.

"You fucked up."
"Yes, I did. I planned to fuck up there

"just to show you how
to escape from a fuck-up."

So they go to...
I don't know what that was all about.

But they always go to Castle Dracula
in a coach driven by a big hairy monster.

"Ha-ha-haaa! Back to Russia." And...

Castle Dracula looks like hell on toast.

You know this. AII the
victims in these films

have had their common-sense
glands removed.

If we were there we'd be going,
"We get the fuck out of this coach now.

"Man-eating wolves, I don't care.
We're walking back."

But everyone in the coach goes,
"A tad slower, cabbie.

"What a delightful place.

"Kind of spooky."

It's like those people
who go camping in films.

"Let's go camping in
the Forest of Death and Blood."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Forest of Death and
Blood? Is there a story behind that name?"

"Everyone who goes
dies of death and blood apparently."

"I'II pass on this.

"My cat's exploded
and I've got a bad leg anyway."

They go and camp in the forest
and then a storm comes in

and the bridge
has been blown up by squirrels.

And they stay in a wooden hut
and during the night some twit says,

"There's something moving
in the forest eight miles away.

"I'II go and check."

Don't check, please, don't check.

That's what curtains are for,
to go, "Oh, my God."

But they say, "I'II go and check
and take a thimble with me.

"Don't come near me, I've got a thimble."

And they never listen
to the music, do they?

We'd be going, "I'm not going down there.

"It's spooky down there.
I'II go this way."

"It's spooky down here too."

Sometimes... This guy's
determined to go into the forest.

There's a whole orchestra behind him.

He's saying, "Piss off, you cellists!

"Stop following me in the forest."

The guy goes deep into the forest
and then you know he's had it.

"Oh, it is an axe murderer. It is!

"We weren't sure.

"I thought you could be a badger.

"A badger or an axe murderer.

"It's you! Ha-ha!

"Ooh, centre parting."

But there is one B-movie
that is so huge it became an A-movie.

Everyone's talked about this,
it's multi-talked about.

That doesn't mean anything either.

Everyone is talking about Star Trek.

It's so weird, Star Trek had 60
TV episodes, repeated forever,

two spin-off series, six films -
nothing has ever done this.

Batman is sort of doing a bit of this
now but not like that.

I think it's because the characters
became bigger than the actors.

In the sense that if you ever saw
TJ Hooker, this cop series,

it was Captain Kirk playing TJ Hooker

not William Shatner the actor, it's Captain
Kirk, taking a month off on earth,

"I want to be a cop for a bit."

If you ever see the TV series again
don't watch the story that's going on,

watch the people at the back working
on the cardboard and lights on set.

"I'II pull lever B now."

There's a lot of people
going round with clipboards,

"Yes, you've got a machine, well done.

"Would you like to sign there, thank you?

"And I've got a clipboard."
A lot of clipboard people.

Spock had his big, cylindrical black
computer screen he would look in and say,

"Captain Kirk, we're going to die
in 0.2 of a second.

"Ooh, should I have
told you that earlier?"

He probably had a Twix
just stuffed neatly down there.

And Uhura over here on her swivel chair
going, "Mr Spock's eating a Twix!"

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

"Shut the fuck up, Uhura."

Spock couldn't get overemotional.

The actors should have stamped
on his foot during the shooting of a scene.

He couldn't go, "Fuck off!"
He'd just have to go...

"Captain, I'm very annoyed with Uhura."

Or put black soot
round that oval computer screen.

"Oh, I've got this stuff all over my face.
I'm going...

"I'm... I'm not happy."

Uhura's technique was different fingers.

"Captain, it's Starfleet Command
on finger three.

"It's the Klingons on finger two, Captain.

"It's your mum on finger four."

Captain Kirk in the big swivel chair.

He'd get bored, press a button and go,
"Captain's log, supplemental.

"Er, be-do, be-do, be-do. That's all."

He'd signed a lot of clipboards all day.

"To Cliff, from Captain Kirk. Well done."

There was Chekov and Sulu down the front,
both had steering wheels.

Too many steering wheels.

But you never saw them
in the morning as they came in,

"Get the engine on,
it's fucking freezing in here."

(Engine chugging)

You also never saw them backing up, either.

"Captain Kirk, put your head down a bit."

The actor playing Scotty must have hated
his scripts, every week the same thing.

"Not the same script, for fuck's sake.

"'No, Captain, I cannot do that, Captain.
I have no ability to do that, Captain.

"'What speed do you wish for?
No, I cannot provide that at this time.

"'You'II never guess, it's the engine.
It's the carburettor that's gone this time.

"'No way, Jos?.

"'The cat's eaten the dilithium crystals
and he's coughing up fur balls."'

He could never do anything.

Kirk's going, "We need warp factor nine
in five seconds or we're toast!"

"I can give you 30mph in a week,
how about that?"

And there was Dr McCoy,
so overly dramatic, in the surgery going,

"Jim, Jim, Christ, Jim.
It's me, Bones, Jim.

"Me, McCoy, how long have I know you?
Jim, me. Spock, Christ, Spock, man.

"Jim, Spock, me Bones.

"Bones, me, Spock, Christ, this boy's
dying of lurgy. Lurgy, Jim, lurgy.

"Five lurgies and two I've never heard of.

"Christ, Spock, how long have I know you?
As long as Jim's known this boy.

"Christ, Jim, Spock, me Christ...

"I'II have to remove
his brain, liver, lungs and spleen,

"all with a torch, as well." (Bleeping)

They'd always do a bit of torch surgery.

They'd get bored. "Let's beam down
somewhere, last one down's a wanker."

You knew if all the main cast were beaming
down, they were coming back.

But if there was a new bloke
beaming down with them...

"Who's he?"

You got worried about the new bloke
especially if he was wearing a red jumper.

"Who's the fuck's that?"
"That's Stevens, sir.

"Stevens of accounts."

"Accounts?

"Didn't know we had
an accounts department.

"Stevens?" "Er, yes, sir?

"I'm from accounts. I thought
I'd just beam down on this landing party.

"Last time the figures
were all a bit weird.

"400 packed lunches were eaten
and only two of you beamed down.

"So I thought I'd beam down.
Put my best red jumper on."

"We're all wearing light
blue, do you notice?

"There's a target on the
front of your shirt."

"Oh, really?"
"OK, Stevens, prepare to beam down."

"AII right, Captain."

(Rising tone)
Ooooblallalalalalalalalalalala...

(Rising)
..bloblloboloblblobolobbloblobolo...

(Descending)
..blublblulbulubulbluuuaaaaaahhhhh.

And the rest of them just looking at him.

"What's all that about, Stevens?"

"I thought I was beaming down."

"We've got a machine to do that,
we pull a lever."

"You bastards, you just let me do that?"

They'd beam down to an oval of gravel
with six big rocks at the back. Every week.

"Captain, strong d?j?-vu here."

They'd get out those machines -
widdly-wee, widdly-wee, widdly-wee,

widdly-wee, widdly-wee, widdly-wee.

"Captain, this entire planet
is made of widdly-wee.

"And so are you, Captain -
and Chekov and Sulu and Uhura.

"Everything
we've ever thought of is widdly-wee.

"This might just be a box
with 'Widdly-wee' written on it."

Then there was the phasers,
they had two settings, kill or stun,

but it should have been a much more
amazing weapon with many more settings -

kill, stun, limp, that's the next one down.

The Star Trek people with their phasers

and all the people on the planet over here
going, "Invaders! We must get them."

Whump! "Ooh, God!"

"They've set their phasers on limp! Ooh!

"Get out of here!" Or set it on
"bit of a cough", an even lower setting.

"Wahey..." (Coughs and splutters)

(Coughing)

(Coughs) "Get...
Get some expectorant, quick."

You could have a depression setting,
an emotional setting.

"Wahey..." Whump! "Aaahhh..."

"Oh, bugger.

"It'II never work, this. I don't know,
my whole life down the drain.

"Invaders, invaders."

Bad eyesight setting, that could work.
"Wahey..." Whump! "Aaah..."

Bear with me, I've worked out
a hundred of these.

Oh, yes. "Ice-cream van nearby" setting,
that's quite good.

"Wahey..." Whump! "Ah... Oh!"

Then you have
"sudden interest in botany" setting.

"Wahey..." Whump! "Rrr... Ooh!"

"So I'II take that and repot every summer,
of course."

"Water in ear after swimming".

"Wahey..." Whump! "Ooh, ooh."

And finally, this is definitely finally.

"Oven left on at home" setting,
that would be good.

"Wahey... Oh, shit."

So that is it.
That is my totally nonsensical show.

I hope you enjoyed some of it, if not,
the interval was there as an escape route.

Thank you very much for being here
and bearing with me. Cheers, good night.