Eddie Izzard: Definite Article (1996) - full transcript

'Definite Article' marks that thrilling moment when a promising talent moves up several gears into major stardom"--Daily Telegraph, UK

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Definite Article

Definite Article

They call it coming out of a book,

and you?ve got to do it at some
point in your life, haven?t you?

You?ve got to just fuckin? come out of a

book, you know, surprise
your neighbours! Hey!

A fucking big book next door, yes?

Andy Warhol said, ?You?ve always gotta
come out of a book at some point,?

he said, and then, poof! And big hair?

Or he said something like that.

So we?re here, yes?This is the
video, a very, very special video



a video album,

this is what it is?

of all the incredibly funny things?

in my brain, I suppose,

?cause people think I?m on
drugs, and I?m not, I?m really

quite, you know?just a bit
of coffee, and I?m really?

When I take drugs, I start going,
?Oh, insurance! Ever thought of??

And pensions! Very sensible!?

So don?t take drugs, otherwise you?ll
go like that! Just go? Yeah!

But thimbles is what I really
wanted to talk about, because?

you don?t really - well, they don?t get
enough press these days, do they?

I don?t think they ever did,
because very rarely you see,

??Thimbles: Oh!? Says Man?

You know what I mean?



?Cause my Gran said,

?Put a thimble on your finger, and it

helps you, in case
you slip with a needle,

the needle goes up, and
into brain, and death??

and before thimbles
were invented, it was?

?Needle Death ? Tragic ? Whole Family!

Family of Sewers ? Tragic!

?If Only Thimbles Were Invented,?
says psychic man with big hat?

and beard to match?

?Thimbles Compulsory for
Children in Many Buses?

So ? yes? The best thing
with thimbles is to put one...

on each finger, and then you
can do impressions of horses.

Horses with one too
many legs, I suppose?

?Cause they do have a metallic
sound, don?t they, horseshoes?

Well, horses have got hooves, they?ve
got this bit of semicircular metal...

nailed to each and every foot!

And that?s just a con! For
centuries, blacksmiths saying,

?Is that your horse?
Better nail a bit of

semicircular metal to each of his feet!?

?Oh, no, thanks, it?s got
hooves! Thanks very much.?

?No, better nail a bit
of semicircular metal on.

Have you ever had a blowout
on a horse doing 70? Yeah??

?Steel radials, that?s
what you want, mate!

Are those anti-lock
hooves?? ?Ooh, I?m not sure??

It is. Perhaps it?s a big con, they?ve
done it very successfully for centuries,

but they were just
trying with all hoofed

animals. ?You got any more in your farm?

Cows! Bring them in,
they?ve got hooves! And pigs

and sheep, hooves the lot
of them! I?ll put shoes?

And your ducks and geese,
get the whole bloody farm in!

And your next door neighbour.
The whole farm for 50 quid??

Ducks going around, going
?clang, clang, clang??

?Quack!?

Swimming out in the water?

They don?t do the
breast-stroke, do they, ducks?

They just...

Any duck doing
that is really kind of crap.

And it?s also lucky,
horseshoes are lucky!

And horses have four bits of
lucky nailed to their feet.

They should be the luckiest
animals in the world!

They should win all their
horse races, shouldn?t they?

?It?s after 3:30, and today,
every single horse was first equal?

One horse dropped a
shoe, came in fourth?

And the duck was ninth.

Five ran??

It?s what they always say
at the end, don?t they?

A bit of useless ? ?five run.?
Are there people at home, going,

?But how many run??

Or is it the idea,

?Five run, one sauntered,
really? one drove a small car?

one windsurfed, one ?hang-glid.?

Yeah, you decline the
verb ?to hang-glide,? then

I hang-glide, you hang-glide,
he, she hang-glides,

we hang-glid,

you hang-glided,

they ?hang-glidededed.?

Anyway, that?s all rubbish!

Sometimes, though, you want to buy a

thimble, or a horseshoe,
or a bit of fluff,

or an elephant, and you go
down your local supermarket.

Don?t laugh too much, please?

The local supermarket,
you know; the hypermarket,

they?re big, fuckoff, huge,
big as a village these days,

And everyone?s in there:
trendy people, straight people,

rich, poor; everyone in there,
pushing trolleys, going,

?Do we want yoghurt? I don?t know??

And you can push things
around, you can fill up

with stuff, and then you
get bored of your shopping.

?Oh, forget that! I don?t want it!?

You can just leave your trolley,
kind of? No, I?m just?

? Pick another one,
?Oh, I?ve got this one!?

But trolleys, they never
run straight, do they?

Have you ever flown on a trolley? Never!

Because they?ve always got
the wobbly wheel off to the right,

hit someone in the stomach, and
they drop all their shopping in,

and then you?ve got their shopping?

And if you hit an old lady, you get

hairnets and dog food!
That?s all they buy.

At a certain age, about
80, I think, they go,

?Fuck everything else!
Hairnets and dog food,

that?s all I need now??

?Cause you?re on bonus
time from then on, really,

so you might as well get weird shit.
?Hairnets and dog food.?

Hairnets, of course, are pointless;
we?ve all known this,

and we?ve marveled
at people putting them on,

?cause when you take
them off in the morning,

you?ve got criss-cross
patterns on your hair.

?Why, old lady? Why the hairnet??
?Oh, the hair thieves!

The hair thieves,
they come in the night?

Steal your hair, they
do! Sell us into slavery?

in Azerbaijan. ?

And dog food as well. There was a dog
food a while back called ?Mr. Dog.?

It was a small can of dog food
for small, yappy-type dogs.

And there was a big
advertising campaign, saying,

?Buy Mr. Dog, for
small, yappy-type dogs?

and maybe, they?ll shut the fuck up!?

So that was fine, and then there
was a ?stroke your beard meeting?

back at Mr. Dog?s headquarters.

?Well? we?ve sold but
two cans of ?Mr. Dog???

which some people do say,
?But two cans?

Let?s change the name!? So they changed
the name, from ?Mr. Dog? to ?Cesar.?

Now that?s a bit of an image
shift in my book of references.

?Mr. Dog? ? small dog, yes, you
can see the sort of linky there.

?Caesar? ? Roman leader
2,000 years ago,

small dog.

Bit of a strangled route
up to that one, isn?t it?

Left at the traffic lights to get there?

I think that?s a 3:00 in the
morning decision, that one.

?It?s ?Caesar,? we?ll
call it ?Caesar?!

?Caesar?!

What about??
Yeah, yeah, fucking ?Caesar?!

He was a Roman leader?

Yeah, small dogs are
Roman leaders, aren?t they?

All right, ?Caesar?! But
we?ll drop the ?a? out, right??

?Cause it was C-A-E-S-A-R,
for some reason.

I don?t think Caesar was
going 2,000 years ago,

?I have defeated Pompeii,
I?m first Emperor of Rome!

I wear the laurel wreath,
with the front bit bitten out?

In 2,000 years? time,

I shall be remembered as
a can of small dog food

for small, yappy-type dogs?

and I shall be played by
James Mason in the film.

Yes, I shall, I shall??

That?s what he used to
do, didn?t he, James Mason?

Eh? ?Here?s Jimmy!?

No, he didn?t, that?s a lie.

It would have freaked us out if he did!

Ladies and gentlemen, James Mason!?

?What are you doing, James??

Sorry, forget all that bit;
we?ll cut that out. Now?

Oh, yes! And supermarkets, yes?

As soon as you go in, have you noticed?
They do psychological tricks on us.

As soon as you go in, you hit
fresh fruit and veg. You noticed that?

Every single time! You
go to France, Germany,

fresh fruit and veg,
and it?s psychological,

you go in, thinking, ?This is a
fresh shop! Everything here is fresh!

I will do well here??

It is, think about it!

You never go in to the toilet paper section,
with the loo brushes and the squeeze?

?cause then you go,
?This is a poo shop!

Everything here is made of poo!

I?m not shopping here,

I?m? going to Azerbaijan!?

I knew I didn?t need to mime
any further, you got the drift?

Yeah, so? and all these
fruits have got vitamins

- vitamin A, of course,
which is good for

vitamin B, which we all
know is very good for

vitamin C is good for scurvy, isn?t it?

Yes! There?s a lot of
scurvy around these days?

People phone in, ?I can?t come
in to work, I?ve got scurvy, yes?

Well, I live on a houseboat and?

Yeah, frothing at the mouth, yeah?
the old Captain Cook problem there??

They?ve got vitamin D,
which again is good for

Vitamin E, which is good for skin,
and then that?s it, no more vitamins.

The whole vitamin-naming
committee are going, ?Let?s see,

vitamin F. Suggestions?

Oh, fuck it! I?m off down the boozer?

Azerbaijan.?

And all these people made
food, like Granny Smith.

Granny Smith made apples. Who
was this woman, Granny Smith?

?My name is Mrs. Smith, I?ve made
apples out of bread, a dripping

and a bit of green paint,
and corrugated iron.?

?No, these are horrible
apples, Mrs. Smith.

Go away, Mrs. Smith! Go away
until your daughter has a baby.?

?Shag, daughter, shag!

It?s a marketing idea, shag for babies!

My daughter?s had a baby,
I?m Granny Smith now!?

?Come in, Granny Smith!

You a wonderful idea, you!
Come in with your shiny apples.?

?Brought family member, Mr. Delicious.

He?s got apples ? Gold
Delicious. Come in, Gold.

King Edward, abdicated the throne,
took up potato-making, there we go?

Mrs. Simpson, jewellery?

And there?s Hitler as well,
they used to hang out together,

and Jeff Bruckley, of
the Bruckley family.?

It?s all about threes?

apples are great,
apples are user-friendly,

just big, hearty
- you grab ?em, you go...

and then you start to eat them, and?

Always do the dog impression first,

and when you get close to the pips

in the middle, you go, ?Ew!?... and

you throw it away,
in case you swallowed a pip and

a tree comes out of your head.

We know this to be true?

And oranges! There?s a big war,
don?t know if you know,

but there?s this sort of internal
war going on between the big,

old-fashioned oranges,
big, fuckoff, kind of?

Stalinist, big,
fuckoff? kind of oranges,

and the new baby Satsuma,
Minneola, kumquat,

MG?

Satsumari, kind of?

Big fat war on that, because to eat a
Satsuma, it?s a piece of piss, you just go...

And you break off these
one by one, don?t you?

And you?ve got so much of it,
and if there?s people in the room,

you go, ?Go on, go on!?

It?s like a very cheap round, isn?t it?
?Go on, Satsuma for everyone!?

And if you?re the other person in the room,

you go, ?No, no? Well, all right, yeah?

Thank you very much.? Yeah?

So Satsumas are great,
eating?s a piece of piss,

but you can?t do it with an orange.
You go, ?You want a bit of orange?

I?ve got? fucking ?ell!

Can?t fucking? hell??

?Cause inside an orange -
it?s like the film ?Das Boot? in there!

With J?rgen Prochnov going, ?Don?t
let them get in to the orange!

It?s most important! Or the juice
will get out, and it?ll not be good.

They?re breaking in with
fingers, depth charges!

Let the peel come off
only in small chunks!?

?Shit!

Jesus Christ!?

?They?re breaking in! Push all the pips
into bits they wouldn?t expect, that?ll do!?

'Cause it is! There?s no chance
of someone eating an orange, going,

?Hey!? ?You?re very nice??

There?s not a chance of someone
who speaks like that anyway?

So oranges can fuck
off, that?s what I say!

And pears can fuck off too! ?Cause
they?re gorgeous little beasts,

but they?re ripe for half an
hour? and you?re never there!

They?re like a rock, or they?re mush!

In the supermarket, people
are hammering in nails?

?We?re just putting these shelves
up, mate, then you can have the pear.?

Really, ?cause you do do that
squeezy-squeezy thing on fruit,

where you go ?Oh..! Squeezy, oh??

It?s a test- squeezy thing,

that you?ve seen French chefs
do on telly. ?Oh, squeezy, oh??

But I have no frame of
reference, so I?m going, ?Oh?

Is that good?

I?m squeezing it about this
much ? is that a good squeezy??

?Cause it seems like such an
expert thing! They seem to go?

?This one!? They don?t even look
at it, they just? Sometimes they go

?Oh, shit!

No, it?s got a hole in it,
I?m not really??

Or just put it on the end of a
broom? ?Yeah? it?s the manager!?

So fuck pears? Pears are
like a rock, so you think,

?I?ll take them home and they?ll ripen up,?
and you put them in a bowl, and they

sit there going, ?No! No!
Don?t ripen yet! Don?t ripen yet!

Wait till he goes out of the room!

Ripen now! Now! Now!?

And you come back in, and you
go, ?I?ll just have one of these??

?Hey, these pears are dead!
These are dead pears, man.

Hey, what happened guys??

They?re all going?

And then there?s banana skins as well.
There?s bananas and their skins;

there?s all this sort of
slipping on a banana skin

and hilarity that?s been
around for many years.

Now I don?t know about you,
but I?ve never actually, in my life,

ever seen anyone actually
slip on a banana skin in reality.

I?ve never seen documentary footage
of anyone slipping on a banana skin;

I?ve heard the stories, oh,
yes! People have told me stories?

The Nazis did propaganda?

So it?s all those fruits there,

and there?s South African fruit we can
have now, without going, ?Oh, the guilt!?

And star fruit, which are from Mars!

So it?s great, you?ve got all these
fruits, and you get a selection,

you take it home, you
arrange it in a bowl?

and then you watch it rot!

You never eat it, really?

Occasionally, you go up to it,
and go "Ah? I don?t think I will.

Ooh, a Mars bar, there we go!?

?Oh, I?m full-up now!?

And they all rot from
the bottom up, you go?

Except for the oranges, that
sit in the back and go, ?No!?

You chuck all the rest away, and
the oranges are sitting there, going?

for months it sits there?

in a Stalinist kind of way. So, yeah?

And there?s also labels in supermarkets;

you?ve got labels on the
food stuff now, so you can-

it says ?Four grams of
protein,? you go, ?Ah!?

Is that good?

Is that far too little protein?

Is it you?re gonna die of protein
shortage, or you?re gonna overdose on it?

?0.02 milligrams of sodium.?

Sodium explodes in water.

Do I need 0.02 milligrams of that?

Calcium - can you overdose on calcium?
Can you go?

?Well, I think there?s too much calcium in
your diet.? ?Yes, that?s what I thought.?

?Are you eating a lot
of chalk salad?? ?Yeah??

So you make your choices
of stuff in the supermarket,

and you go down to where the queues are,

and there?s 30, 40, maybe
a million queues there!

And you always choose one of those aisles
- when you?re walking down,

it?s kind of enclosed in the aisle,
isn?t it? There?s all this stuff there,

and suddenly... It?s out,
and there?s all the queues,

and you know you?ve got 30 seconds to
choose your queue, and you?re going?

We?re all very good at queue
strategy now, have you noticed?

No one taught us this, we just go? We?re
going, ?Okay, 4, 4 looks pretty good?

7. No, no, quite a few people, all
hand baskets. Hand baskets are good?

It?ll move fast. 17 just opened! You take
the French bread, you go on 17! I?m on 4.

Keep in touch, keep in touch.

Whoever gets there first,
we?ll join and we get out, OK?

Dropout on 7! I?m on 7!

Shit, they?re paying with
Luncheon vouchers! I?m back on 4!

I?ve lost 4! You bastard!

I left my aura there??

Always a good one?

unless you get a ticket for parking.

?Your aura is parked
there.? ?Oh, sorry.?

You?re fine, usually, in the queue,

until you see someone about three
meters behind you pull up in a queue,

and then there?s a bit of a
delay, and they?re almost paying!

They?re almost out! And
you?re going, ?Come on! Come on,

there?s a war on, you know??

And the new queue, that?s what I?m
always looking for, the new queue;

that is the end of the
rainbow, that?s where

all the gold in the world
is stacked, the new queue!

?Cause you could be fifth, sixth
in that sort of 15-minute queue,

and ?New queue!? You?re in there!

And the fastest, the most
agile, the keen minds are there,

and you?re looking in advance
for potential new queues.

People around the
till, putting money in,

and as soon as you see
it going on the till?

But not too obvious, otherwise
everyone else in the queue sees you?

so you just keep one eye on it, and try?

?Look over there! There?s a
badger with a gun! Can you see?

Surely he?s going to kill? new queue!?

But then you?re not sure - are they
opening? Are they just mending the till?

And you? you don?t want to? ?Oh,
you?re not? Oh, I was there! was there!?

You can take all your clothes off
and put them on a string, and then?

?Oh, you?re not? Okay.?

Depends on what you?re
wearing, of course.

A lot of you applaud, going, ?Yeah!
Oh, that wasn?t that good, was it??

But they?ve the beeping
machines these days!

There?s a bar code on all the stuff,

and there?s a little sort of star-shaped
thing, and they just show it to it.

Like the machine is going, ?Yes,
all right?? ?Yes, that?s still fine.?

And it must get boring!

All day? and the excitement...
that never happens...

is when it goes?

?Fucking make the
noise! It?s some thing!?

The machine is going, ?No, I?m bored??

- ?Oh, go on! Make the noise!?
- ?No, I don?t want to??

?I?ll read it at you. Thick one,
thin one, thick one, thin one?

thick, thick, thin?
are you getting this? Thin?

Oh, forget it! I?ll just type out...

the handy 50-digit number,
I?ll be with you in a second.?

?So much more efficient these days!?

And you realize two sea anemones
have taken over your hands?

sometimes.

Late night shopping in local
petrol stations, that?s a form of

20th. Century shopping that I

don?t think anyone would have
thought it was gonna happen.

And you?re there, at 3:00AM,
especially in inner cities, this is

3:00AM, you?re at the petrol station,

there?s a guy behind bullet-proof
glass, slumped over a desk, dead!

Or asleep, you?re not sure,

you don?t care; even if he is
dead, you?re going, ?Wake up!

I want groceries??

And he wakes up, and you go,

?Oh, sorry, mate, sorry, I
just want? o, I don?t have a car

I don?t have a car.
I do not have a car.?

There?s a big communication
problem, isn?t there?

They?ve built this bullet-proof
glass, and it?s sound proof!

Try to talk through the thing?

?I don?t want any?

Some brown bread, I just
want some brown bread.

Yeah, brown bread.
Right over there, brown?

No, that?s diesel oil?
Brown bread, brown?

Two words, brown bread.
First word, sounds like? brown.

Brown! Brown bread!?

3:00 in the morning, and you get into this,
and there?s a queue forming behind you?

?No, it?s brown bread, brown? ?

A queue of murderers!

With different weapons!

Someone on a camel about here?
people from ?Star Trek? down here?

And you?re going,
?Yeah, the brown bread!

Get the brown bread, man!
Just get it quickly!?

You?re trying to give real
fuckoff vibes around here,

so that no one hassles you.

?Yeah, bread for my bread gun!?

?Give me the bread!

What? Shredded wheat? That?s fine!
I?ll eat that shredded? fuck it!

I?ll put marmalade on it, it?s fine.
And a packet of Rizzlers, thanks.

"Why do I want them?"
"I?

I?m a stamp collector,

and I?ve run out of stamps,
so I thought...

I?d get those clippy,
plain ones, you know?

Where you can draw
your own stamp in on it.

Fucking give it to me!?

Then they do the dance of the tray

?Aah! My hand! Thank
you. Can I have a bag??

Then they put this very thin bag
in, the thinnest bag in the world.

So thin, you?re surprised
you get everything into it?

Then you go off, and the whole
queue follows you. ?Follow him!

He speaks in sentences.?

?No, no, you must hassle him now.

He has the groceries.?
?Oh, groceries! Yeah, yeah??

?Hello, we?re murderers.

A Twix, please.?

And they?re behind
bullet-proof glass there,

because, you know, it?s late at night,
people are hassling them,

if they go in the shop,
they try to nick stuff?

And I must admit, I got caught
nicking stuff when I was 15,

and I was nicking makeup,

back in Boots in
Bexhill-On-Sea.

I could?ve bought it, I could?ve
saved up and bought it, but I thought,

if I bought it, someone might say,

?Hey, you?re a boy buying makeup!
You must be a trans-vestite!?

And then I?d have to
go, ?Oh, Sherlock Holmes!

How did you get to the
bottom of that one, you big,

deer-stalker, weird,
fucking hat person?

Four dog ears!?

Why is it called a deer stalker? Anyone
stalking a deer now, the deer would go?

?There?s a guy out there with four dog
ears, with two strings hanging off.?

?I?m a deer stalker!
That?s a deer-stalker!?

Don?t know why, just
a stupid hat, I think.

Anyway, so I didn?t buy
the makeup, I nicked it!

And I had a loaf of brown bread,
so I put it under this brown bread,

and I run out of the shop and down
Bexhill High Street, and they caught me!

But I was 15, so they let me
off with a warning, which was,

?This lipstick is not gonna work
with this eye-shadow, no way!

That?s light blue,
that?s a death colour!

You want a bit of foundation in this,
that?s very cheap foundation.? ?Oh??

?That?s a warning!? ?Oh,
thank you, Chief Constable.?

Also, I got done for
jumping a 20p tube fare!

This is my whole crime sheet, right?

Which is quite an interesting read? 20p!

This is not Don Corleone,
this is Don Crap.

I jumped a 20p underground tube fare,
and I was waving a pass at the time,

you know, it was drawn
on a Rizzler or something;

it was a Bishop of Durham pass.

?I?m the Bishop of Durham?
Oh, bless you, my son.?

And the guy said, ?You?re not Bishop of
Durham! He wears a bigger hat than that!?

So he got me. ?I got
him! I got the 20p kid!

You?ve caused us ?1.60 worth of
trouble, you have, in your time.

I?ve got him and I?ll be promoted
in the underground system.

I?ll get my own darkness!?

Then an off-duty policeman came,
and he had a pot plant and a camera,

on his way home for a good night
photographing pot plants, I suppose?

This is all bizarre, but true;
this is what he had, and he said,

?I?ve got him too! Oh, I?ll get
promoted? King of Metropolitan Police!?

And I thought, ?I?m going down for 20p!

No, I?m gonna run for it! I?ll run for it
like Mel Gibson in the film ?Gallipoli,?

and? other people in running films.

So I run, and I run,
and I run, and I run,

and after five inches, they caught me?

They called for backup, and now
20 policemen are coming down,

thousands of pounds worth of police
work ? ?We?ve got the 20p kid!

20ps are safe from now on?? And three
policemen pulled me for five minutes!

I don?t know if you?ve ever had this,
they grab one leg each, and I don?t know

? obviously, they were working together;

they thought I was struggling like
crazy, I?d given up at this point.

one over here was going, ?Don?t
struggle, there! Don?t struggle!?

People over here going, ?Eh!
Don?t you fuckin? struggle!?

So it was a continuous machine of
them pulling against each other,

had one hand free, I was
going, ?Hi! How are you?

I?ll talk about this in many years??

And then they put me in
Bower Street overnight,

and that became assaulting
a police officer!

Surely it was stretching a pedestrian!

It was! I got down for assault,
and I was running away!

Assault is motion towards, I feel?

it takes an accusative.

Very rarely in war, they go,
?Assault that hill over there!?

?Let me do a bit of stretching here??

I should have been done for
deserting a police officer.

There?s a shop in South London which
was a very? it?s still there, apparently.

It?s in Tooting High Street, and
it sells two very disparate items.

On one side of the shop ? they put
them on different sides, it?s great!

One side is guns, and
knives, and harpoons

and fucking
- really mean fucking weapons.

On the other side, there?s
banjos, and violins, and bassoons,

And you know about it, don?t
you? Yeah! It?s fucking there!

And what?s the guy doing?

?Oh, we?re way down in weaponry,
but up on banjos this week?

That?s good, people are getting
lighter these days, in tough times.

They shift to music like crazy at
the moment! Way down on bassoons!?

hat, is this mad guy going?
Someone browsing around?

?An Uzi machine gun, slices a man in
two, 200 rounds a minute, or? a banjo!?

?A ukulele, like George Foreman.?

You remember that famous fight,
George Foreman against Muhammad Ali?

That was very? A dyslexic promoter
put it on, and it was brilliant?

?I?m gonna kill him,
I?m gonna kill him??

?Hey, turn that? ?

Hey! Oh, it?s a big bugger!

Who put me up for this gig?

Fucking ?ell!?

The trainer comes up,

?You?re doing well, you?re doing well!?
?He?s fucking hitting me!?

~ Neverthless ?You?re doing
well, you?re doing well!? ~

?My ukulele is smashed.
I?m going to that gun shop!?

Guns & Banjos?
interesting band. Now?

It was a very wide reactiish thing.

We?ll cut this.

No, they?re gonna leave it in!

You noticed that when people say, ?Oh,
we?ll cut this,? it?s always left in there?

Anyway?

Oh, I forgot my rest of
the show! How does it go?

Oh, emergency joke:
two men went into a pub?

and they totally redecorated
it! It was brilliant!

It?s an old joke?

Oh, yeah, musical instruments!
I played the clarinet, right?

I wanted to play the piano,
but somehow I got a clarinet.

I don?t know quite how that worked?

Five people can play the
clarinet in the world,

and they make quite a beautiful, wooden?
It?s just a wooden noise, it floats?

That?s not the noise, is
it? It?s like a clarinet,

but I played it like
a foghorn being dragged

through a place where
foghorns shouldn?t be dragged.

It was just? it was bad noise.

And if you?re an adult, and
you?re playing a musical instrument,

you?re probably making
some of this sound,

cause you want to play it,
your heart is in it,

you?ve gotta have feeling, you gotta go?

You can?t paint a picture
if you don?t want to?

?Oh? it?s the Eiffel Tower!? You know?

?This is a splotch.? ?It?s the Eiffel
Tower.? You?ve gotta be in there.

Now, if you?re a kid playing a
musical instrument, there?s probably

a certain element of parental
pressure that?s going in there.

?Yes, little Johnnie, you
should play the violin,

because I never had the
chance when I was a child.?

?Well, you?ve got the chance
now, why don?t you learn it now??

?No? No, I don?t think I will.

I have to watch telly
and drive cars now,

it?s the pressure of being an adult.?

?But I don?t wanna learn! I want to
go and smash things with hammers!?

?Yes, I know, but if you were musical,
oh, the world would be wonderful,

and I would hear the wonderful noise??

?Oh, fucking ?ell!?

So the kid goes, ?All right, I?ll learn
the violin, but you won?t like it!

I?ll make a bad noise!

Practicing?

?Oh, fucking ?ell!?

The violin like this,

the cello is slightly bigger, with
a spike on the bow that kills you,

and the double bass you have
to rest on a friend to play?

I played the clarinet.

And if you play a musical instrument; if
you?re a kid and play a musical instrument,

you want to play sexy tunes, don?t you?

?I want to play sexy tunes!

I want to play tunes so that other
kids at school come up and say,

?Hey, he?s playing sexy tunes!?

People who I fancy say, ?We must
dance provocatively in front of him,

like they do in films
we don?t believe.?

Playing the clarinet...

?We will shag him as
soon as we know how.??

That was where you
wanted to go, wasn?t it?

You wanted everyone to go, ?Oh,
wow, what a hip fucking dancey tune??

But all the music lessons
just make you learn dirge!

I was learning from this book
called ?A Tune A Day,? and?

?This tune is called
?Snug As A Bug In A Rug.?

So, is this a sexy
tune, Mrs. Badcrumble?

I just don?t think, Mrs. Badcrumble,
that this is really gonna be a sexy tune.?

?No, it?s a totally sexy
tune on the clarinet!

I made love to this tune with my
husband in 1481, I?ll have you know??

?You did? It?s a very sexy tune?
All right, I?ll have a go. Here we go??

?At what point did you
orgasm during this song,

Mrs. Badcrumble?

?All through it, it was multiple!

They hadn?t been invented
in 1481, but I got there?

on a hang-glider.?

?You?re fucking nuts!?

The clarinet?s got a
wooden reed at the back,

and you have to push
it, you have to make?

it?s not an ambesure, which is
something else, it?s a kind of vegetable?

that flute players have to deal with?

and if you?re making a sound,
you squeak.

After a while, I was practicing and
my Dad was going, ?Stop practicing!

You sound crap!

I have bought a hammer!

You may borrow it if you wish!?

Oh, it was a dreadful, fucking noise!

And the clarinet?s like that,

but the oboe has two bits of
wooden reed pushed together,

you have to?

It?s designed not to let any sound in!

It?s like trying to blow in a weasel!

The tuba! Who chooses to play a tuba?

Surely a tuba is a punishment
thing, surely it?s community service.

?You?ve been sentenced to three
years on the tuba.? ?Oh, God!?

Who wants to make?

It?s got a huge horn, you
can get a child in there!

The trumpet?s okay, but it makes
your cheeks go out to hamster-size;

there?s a thing called a triangle,
it?s just a triangle, it goes ?ting!?

Forget it, just with
your mouth, go ?ting!?

The percussionists?

?Where?s your fucking
triangle?? ?Oh, grow up!?

They do that, people
play these big cauldrons?

it?s like doing it too loud?

Yeah, true story?

So there?s all these instruments,

and I played third clarinet, right?
In the school band.

The first clarinets played the melody,

that?s okay, you know
where you?re going;

second clarinets played harmonies that
back up the melody and sort of link, okay;

third clarinets played the
notes that are left over!

We were just going...

It?s boring! The only exciting way
to do it is really blow it loud!

The teacher is going, ?Piano! Piano!?
You go, ?It?s not a fucking piano!

It?s a clarinet...

you weird-talking person.?

And then it was?

These strange, fucking noises,
and the teacher is going,

?Oh, this is a God-awful band!

I know, I?ll get the
parents to listen to this.

Then maybe they?ll kill ?em!?

And a big sign went up ?
?School Band Will Play Tunes!?

And no one from the local
town came, no hip people said,

?Hey, we?re going down the
school, they?re gonna play a gig?

I?m gonna
stage-dive on the bassoon player??

Just the parents came,
and sat down, going?

?Oh, they?re gonna kill us!
We?re crap!?

he teacher gets up, ?The school band
will now murder ?O Come All Ye Faithful.?

The song has been arranged with?

no real care.

Helmets will be worn
during the production.

Go!?

Weasel, weasel.

Hamster...

Parents are going, ?Oh? my? God!!

We have spawned the devil!

Let?s go and find hammers for them.?

Poetry! Poetry is very similar to music,

only less notes and more words.

And there was a Scottish
poet called Robbie Burns-

Robbie Burns to Scottish people,
Robbie Burns to English people,

and Rabbi Burns to Jewish people?

who turn up at his door and say,
?What is the Hebrew translation??

?I don?t know, I?m a poet,
I don?t know this? go away.

Are you trick or treat??

?I need the translation??

And he wrote poetry, he wrote
a big fucking book of poetry,

but one of his most famous lines is

?The Best Laid Plans O'
Mice and Men Aft Gang Aglay,?

meaning ?The best laid plans
of mice and men often go wrong.?

And because it?s poetry, people go,

?Oh, I know what you mean there, Robbie,
yes? Fucking plans ganging aglay...

by a fucking truckload??

And being a poet, he must have
observed humanity, must have said,

?Men. Men make plans.
These plans go wrong.

Go wrong once, twice? often!

Often, a number of
plans I?ve seen go wrong?

Possible idea for a poem??

And then he must have turned
his attention to the other...

animal mentioned in
that line of poetry.

If you think back to it, ?The
best laid plans of mice and men??

Exactly which mice plans was
he really honing in here on?

The best laid ones go aglay, some
of the worse laid ones are okay?

Some of them get through? He
was fucking off this trolley!

?See, mice also make plans,
unbeknownst to most people.

They plan to get cheese!
They run, they scamper?

Oh, one?s fallen over!
No cheese today?

Oh, plan two: they?ve got
three, another one?s got a stick,

he?s gonna put the
stick into the mousetrap?

No, he?s broken the
stick! What a jessie!

Plan three ? Oh, they?ve got
a flip chart now! Very serious?

there?s a lot of mise surrounding the
meeting, and they?re having a discussion?

Oh, good plan this, probably!
Their best laid plan, I believe?

I could just hear what they?re saying.

One mouse is going,?You aren?t
supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

Told you about that?

What are you doing, coming in
here, and making such a fracas?

Now tell me the plan.??Well, we?ll
drive the Minis into the square??

?No, piazza.?
?Oh, it?s piazza, Charlie?

And we load the cheese
in the back of the Minis,

and we drove it at you
during a football match.?

?That?s right. Wallop, wallop, wallop,
into the big coach driven by William,

rounding in the Alps, and we?re free.

And you?re sitting in the back,
and you?re not having a migraine,

and you?re gonna shut your face.?

?All right, Charlie.?

?Meanwhile, back in London, the Chief
Mouse is talking to the prison governor-

?Somebody has broken into my toilet.?

?Well, I?m terribly sorry.?

?Get on to Camp Freddy, I want Charlie
Crocker given a good going-over.?

So if you haven?t seen ?The Italian Job?
this is all meaningless, by the way,

but then, if you haven?t seen it,
you probably haven?t lived? Yes, yes?

And sayings as well!
Sayings are very interesting...

?cause they?re based on truth, then they
have got a bit of old wives? tale on top,

then a bit of a hazy
farther, a bit of uncle banana...

and then you?ve ice-cream
on top, and it?s just rubbish!

I mean, like ?He doesn?t
suffer fools gladly.? We go...

Who does suffer fools gladly?!

How often you can go, ?Hello!
I?ve got a pig in me trousers!?

?Come in!

Come in, you fool!

That pig sounds like a dog.?

?No, it?s a pig; I just can?t
be bothered to do the impression.

Can my friend come in?
He?s got jam for brains?

?Yes, come in, you fool!?

The other saying was?

what was the other saying?

Oh, yes, ?Go and teach your
grandmother to suck eggs.?

What on Earth is that one about?
You?ve got a lot of free-range eggs,

?All right, Gran, I?m gonna
teach you to suck eggs.?

?I?m not gonna suck eggs, I?m not!
You piss off, you young children!

There?s a mouse here
making a plan, you see?

Planning to scale the
Eiffel Tower on a bat??

?Why are you Scottish, Gran??
?I don?t know?

I?ve been taken over
by Mrs. Badcrumble.

Oh, my hairnet! It?s coming off?

The hair thieves are upon us!?

Now we do have haircuts,
don?t we? Humans have haircuts,

and sheep have haircuts, and poodles,

and they?re the only three
animals in the entire world,

in the universe, as we
know, to have haircuts.

This is true, you don?t get ants going,

You don?t get lions going,
?I?ll go and get that antelope?

Jesus Christ!

I?ll put it in bunches, right??

The antelope?s going, ?There?s a huge
girl with big teeth coming after me!

Run! Run!?

The last one was the butterfly?

Which is a pointless
swimming stroke, isn?t it?

Remember when you had to stand
back in the swimming bars,

and some big, fucking kid came
through doing the butterfly?

You just wanted to hit him with a
floater. ?Fuck off with your butterfly!

Fucking show-off! We can?t even
do doggy-paddle yet! Bastard!?

Anyway, we do get haircuts,
and sheep get haircuts.

Some sheep must be going
into that shearing shed,

going, ?Hi, can I get
a coffee? Thanks.?

?Yeah, a little bit off the
top, loose down the back,

and sort of wedge-shaped,
that?s quite in at the moment.

That?d be great, thank you? thank you?

?Well, it?s not
quite what I was after??

?Do you have a hairnet??

I?ve done a bit of Latin in me time,

but I can control it, you know.

I never let it get out of
hand, I just? have a dealer and?

he sells me Latin transcripts,
and you know, ?Okay??

so that late at night you just feel
like translating Latin for a bit,

upstairs, smoking in the coats? room.

I don?t know what
I?m talking about now.

No, I did, I did Latin, I learnt ?Amo,
amas, amat?? ?Amo, amas, amatis, amant,?

and it comes in handy. Yes!

Sometimes you?re queuing at a petrol
station at 3:00 A.M. in the morning,

and there?s a line of
murderers behind you,

and you turn around and go, ?Amo,
amas, amat! Amo, amas, amatis, amant!?

and they go, ?Fuck! He knows Latin!

He knows a dead language! Run!

Head for the hills!

Head for Azerbaijan!

Run down the Fort Court!?

Yeah, I remember you did
it as ?an option,? yeah?

And the teachers with options
were, ?Yeah, learn Latin!

You?ll get the whole underlying knowledge
of all the European languages!?

?Why don?t we just learn the
European languages, then??

?That?s a good point, yes??

It?s very rare you?re at Frankfurt
airport and someone?s going,

?Ja mein Herr, was ist los?? and
you?re going: ?Sprechen Sie Latin?

Pugnato sum? et kumquat and romanes

avec gallum et? pugnato fish?..?

?Ja, ja, aber was ist los??
?I don?t know,

I don?t know,
what ist los? Do tell me??

So I don?t think it?s very useful today,
really,

and they had language labs! Language
labs came in when I was at school,

and that was great; you get in that
little cubicle, had a tape going around,

the headphones on,
and the tape would go,

"O? est la plume de ma tante?

Monsieur, o? est la plume de ma tante??

And you?d go, ?La plume de ma tante
est pr?s de la chaise de ma tante?

as well you know??

And the tape would go: ?Oui!

Oui, la plume de ma tante est
pr?s de la chaise de ma tante."

You?d go, ?How does this tape
know what I?m talking about??

And the tape would continue,
?O? est la plume de mon oncle??

And you?d go, ?La plume de mon
oncle est bingy bongy boogy bongy??

And the tape would go, ?Non!

Pas du tout!

La plume de mon oncle n?est
pas bingy bongy boogy bongy ?

qu?est-ce que vous d?tes?

Vous ?tes un putain!?

?Je ne suis pas un putain.

Je n?avais pas le sexe pour l?argent ?

qu?est-ce que vous
d?tes, vous cassette??

And the tape would go, ?Oh, oh pardon.

Je suis d?sol?, vous avez raison.

je suis seulement un pauvre cassette.

'Sous la chaise, je
n'avais pas les pantalons'

Oh, it?s an old song?! Yeah?

I did an exchangeship with France;

yeah, the teacher at my school
said, ?Do you want one of ours?

He?s already loaded into the tuba.?

And I went to a place called Ch?lons-
Sur-Marne, it?s on the river Marne,

otherwise it?d be
?Ch?lons-Sur? no, nothing.?

It?s in the Champagne region of France,
which is North? North-East,

and champagne is going
on there all the time.

They have loads of champagne,
and they celebrate all the time.

?You?ve crossed the road? Champagne!

You?ve walked out of a shop? Champagne!

You can lean over a bit
like this? Champagne!?

Big occasions ? ?You had
a baby? Here's the beer.?

So it?s a bit of a
functional French town,

every country?s got a bit of ?oh!?

Emotionally linked with Felix, though?

And we were shown around
places of interest...

in Ch?lons-Sur-Marne; we were

shown around the
glue factory, you know.

When you?re a kid, you go, ?Oui, oui,
le ? le usine de glue. C?est tr?s bien.

'Voici l'usine de glue.'

'Voici la porte de l'usine de glue.

'Merde.'

So we went around,
they showed us glue...

one pot, they lifted the lid,
there was just glue going around,

'Oui, c'est tr?s bien.'

And we ended up in a boardroom, and
a bloke with a flipchart was saying,

?Voici l?usine de glue.
C?est le flipchart et?

qu?est-ce que c?est?
Le fromage? Les souris?

?Le Job Italian?! Qu?est-ce
que ?Le Job Italian??

Qui est Charlie Croker?

Camp Freddy?

Mr Bridger??

Sorry, just gave you the whole
list there. The cast list.

So he said, ?Oui, oui, c?est
l?usine de glue. Ah ici, c?est?

Ah, the glue making process, okay.

Ici un cheval, pas de glue,
un cheval, pas de glue,

pas de cheval, beaucoup de glue!?

?Oh, c?est merde pour le
cheval!? ? Oui, c?est merde??

And it was an exchange trip, so we
had to be re-exchanged, you know,

and this all took place in the
cross-Channel ferry, like it does.

And all my teachers went down, we all
went down on to the car deck, and...

my teachers switched on
the lights of their Rover

and the Ch?lons teachers switched
on the lights of their Citr?en.

All my teachers got out with
cricket bats and tennis rackets

And all the Ch?lons teachers got
out with French sporting equipment?

a set of bulls.

And my head teacher is going,
?Send the English kid over!?

So I was pushed off with
a load of French bread?

?C?est un cadeau, un
cadeau!? ?Oh, merci, merci??

And the French kid was coming
over with a load of Brillo pads?

?Oui, oui, c?est un
cadeau de les anglais.

C?est le shredded wheat.

Ils sont tr?s generous, n?est-ce pas?

Oui, oui, on peut le manger. Oui,
un peu de lait, un peu de sucre?

Et on mange, mange, mange, mange,
mange, mange, mange, mange, mange,

et apr?s, pas de dents!?

If you don?t understand French, by
the way, all of this is very funny,

I assure it.

But we?re Europeans,
we can swing with it.

I did German tapes as well!
Big drop in your understanding.

The tape?s going round and saying, ?Wo ist
das Kind, mein Herr? Wo ist das Kind??

And I?d go, ?Das Kind
ist in dem Flughaben?

as well you know!?

And the tape would go, ?Ja, das Kind
IST in dem Flughaben. Aber warum??

?Well, I?m not really sure?

Perhaps he likes the airplanes.?

And then we did Latin tapes as
well, we did bloody Latin tapes,

and they were just lies.

It was pure lies because no one
knew what the bloody accent was.

They were trying to get you to learn
the Latin accent, and they had NO IDEA!

Because everyone was
dead, it?s a dead language;

the Romans, for all they knew, could
have said, ?Hello, we?re the Romans!?

?Hello, we?re the Romans.?

?We?re the Romans.?
"Hello."

?We?re the Romans, we want to come in
your country and take all your things.?

They had no idea, so
they lied,

and they made up all this Roman accent,
which was kind of floaty,

it was ?Puella est in cana.?

And that was too floaty for me, because
this is a very aggressive nation, very...

I mean, they weren?t into
democracy and diplomacy,

?cause they were Greek words,
and they?d invaded them?

They went ?round, invading countries,
with organized men with stabby swords,

stab, stab, stab?

I just don?t think they went
into Gaul, going, ?Hello?

Are you the people of Gaul?

Wonderful! Well, we are the Romans.

Yes, we are. And...

you must be Chief
Vercing?torix, is that right?

No, I recognize you from
the ?Asterix? books.

Well, we?re the Romans, I am a
legionary; this is our leader, Mr. Dog.?

Mr. Dog's going, ?Yes, I am.

And a word with you,
legionary, if I may?

Thinking of changing
the name, I am?

Changing it from Mr. Dog to Cesar.

Had a word with
the marketing department?

the marketing department of Rome,
and it?s Mr. Cesar?

Oh, I?m getting off this see-saw!
It?s boring.

Bring me my horse,
thank you very much!

There we go, that?s much better?

Have we got steel radials
on the back of this??

Yeah? Roman history was
fascinating because...

2,000 years ago they
murdered and killed a lot of people!

But 2,000 years ago,
?forgive and forget,? eh?

Let bygones be ?beegones.?

Whatever a bygone is?

That?s another saying, isn?t it?
?Let bygones be bygones.?

?What?s a bygone??
?Well, it?s a gone??

Oh, it?s a thing
that?s gone by, isn?t it?

Forget it.

That makes sense?
So some sayings are true!

So what you do is you hit someone,
?Why the fuck did you do that for??

?Oh, it?s a bygone!

It?s already done, it?s been done?

No use crying over bygones.
Look, the bygones are coming!?

?It?s the fucking invasion
of the bygones!?

That?s quite good, isn?t it?
?Invasion of the bygones!?

They?re all going,
?Look, it?s no bother, really.?

That?s a very British invasion.

?I?m terribly sorry, we?ve
overstayed our welcome.

We used to be imperialist bastards,

but now we?re just coming
quite politely. Hello??

Yes! Back in Roman times,

when people died, they had
professional mourners come in,

which is a totally weird idea.

?My husband is dead
Mr. Claudius is dead. Oh, God?!?

Which god?? Oh,
Jove! ?By Jove, he?s dead!

Tragedy?? Not the other god
that you?re thinking about.

I?ll try this again?
?Oh, my husband is dead!?

Fuck it! Forget the whole thing.

Re-cut. No.

?My husband is
dead, Mr. Claudius is dead?

And there?s not enough grief!

There?s not enough grief in
this house to warrant his death,

I wish to beef up the grief!

Slave, get a message out to
Mourners-R-Us, will you?

Tell them I wish to beef up the grief!

Yes, let bygones be bygones.

Here?s 10 denary for your trouble,

and get them straight back here, slave.
What do you think you?re doing??

And up will come a very smooth guy,
?Good afternoon, I?m Mr. Marcellus.

I?m from Mourners-R-Us.

Just a free sample there. Now??

?That?s very impressive!?
?Yes... I told you...

We can do both hands, ambidextrous.

Oh, Mr. Claudius
is dead, what a tragedy!

A great man - was he a great man?
I hope he was, yeah?

A great big man, anyway.

Well, we have several
funerals on offer this week,

we have a special on,

the cheap one - we call it
?Oh, bum, he?s dead!? funeral.

It?s our bargain, 25 denary, and
that?s just Mr. Claudius out front,

and just myself about 10 meters
behind, just a little bit pissed off.?

?Oh, bum!? ?That?s the ?Oh,
Bum!? funeral,

not much bother, shove him
in the ground, no problem.

For a full 50 denary, we
got myself and Flavius here,

at either side of the funeral cort?ge,

slightly more geared up, slightly more,
?Oh! Tragedy! Tragedy!

He was a great man?? We
could have a CV at this point?

?Oh, he made jam?

played the
ukulele, all these things?

in the George Foreman quartet?

and we?ll poke people with sticks
to make them cry more.

?Go on, cry, you bastards!?

That?s our 50 denary.

And for a full 100 denary, you get all
four of us carry the deceased along,

and then we gently lower him
into the ground on straps?

and then we?ll twang him into a tree!?

That end bit isn?t
really authentic, is it?

But just to tail off the whole piece,

so I started twanging him into trees!

And it gets a big laugh,
and then I carry on?

That?s comedy for you!

But we?re kind of lugubrious about, you
know, funerals and people dying, and...

we always mourn the death
throughout, when celebrating the life...

is a different attitude.

And I think, ?twang ?em
into trees!? That?s what I say.

Wouldn?t you rather die
and be twang into a tree?

The jury is out for
that one, you know?

Just think about it,
give a lot of fun to people?

?Oh, it didn?t! Bring it back,
bring it back? Come on!

Duel funerals?

Funerals on bonfire night?

It?s an option, we can go that way
if we want to. So, yeah?

Also, back in Roman times,
Pliny The Younger wrote letters.

He was a letter-writer,

it?s a great bloody profession, isn?t it?
?Oh, I?m gonna write some letters today...

April 7th??

He?d just write postcards, ??ello. Bye!?

?Cause people do write really
crap postcards, you know.

?I?m here. You?re
not. Bye!?

Or you start getting interesting,
just at the bottom of the postcard,

and you start writing all along?

Anyway, I don?t know that Pliny did
postcards, but he wrote from Vesuvius;

he was at Mt. Vesuvius
when it erupted,

on the West coast
of Italy, back in A.D.

which is a wary man.

No, it was 80-79, right?

So that?s kind of the time
period, and he was there.

?Dear Father, I am here at
Vesuvius, it is erupting as I speak.

Fucking ?ell!!!

Get me
out of here!!

The top?s come off the mountain!

There?s stuff everywhere!

Send ships and big ships.

Send fucking dogs?

Get on to Mr. Dog,
tell them to send people?

Apart from that
everything?s gorgeous.

Got a great tan,

even though we all have it
?cause we?re in Italy.

Love and kisses, Pliny the Younger.

P.S.: Nothing.?

Yeah? And St. Paul,
he wrote letters, didn?t he?

?St. Paul?s Letter to the Corinthians.
Always writing to the Corinthians.

?St. Paul?s letter to the Corinthians
? Chapter 1 ? Verses 1 to 53.

Dear Corinthians,
as you can tell from my preamble,

it?s gonna be quite a long
letter.

Here we go:

Don?t do bad things,
only do good things.

Always treat your neighbour like
someone who lives near to you.

Never put a sock in a toaster.
Never put jam on a magnet.

Never throw your Granny in a bag.

Never suck all the juice
out of a vampire.

Never lean over on Tuesday??

?Lots of other things, but I gotta
go and have a Mars bar now.

Love, Paul (Saint).?

Is that how he wrote his name?
?Paul (Saint).

B.A. honours.?

Yeah, so he wrote this ? ?All
right, that?s the end of the letter??

?The Corinthians?

Corinth.?

They must?ve been real fucked off
over in Corinth, don?t you think?

The postman going, ?Come on, one of
you Corinthians, gotta take this letter.?

?Oh, fuck off! That?s from
old mourner St. Paul, isn?t it?

No? I don?t want it, I don?t want it!?

?You gotta take it. Come on,
I gotta have a signature for it.?

?Oh, fuck off! It says ?the CorinthianS?
,plural. Ask someone else.

Oh, give it here.

What does it say?? ?Don?t do this,
don?t do that?

Never put a sock in a toaster?

Jam on a magnet?? Ooh, he?s
lost his brain, ain?t he?

Whose idea was it to be a pen-pal
with St. Paul anyway?

That fucking backfired, didn?t it?

He?s supposed to stop doing it at
about 15, he?s been doing it for years?

Come on, Corinthians,
come on, general meeting.

We?re gonna write a letter back
to him, stop all this rubbish.?

?The Corinthians? Letter
Back to St. Paul,

Chapter 1- Verses 1 to a million.

More letters to follow.

Tuesday 28th...

of something.

Dear Paul (Saint, apparently),

FUCK OFF!

Just fu- who are you?

Why do you keep sending these letters?

You arrogant bastard, you send
a letter to an entire city!

What do you want us to do, put
these up in a board or something?

Just fuck off!

You?re coming on like
Alistair Cooke, for fuck?s sake!

?Never put a sock in a toaster,?
what?s all that about?

You daft git!

Love and kisses, the
Corinthians.

Kiss, kiss ? Steve the Corinthian, Fred
the Corinthian, George the Corinthian??

?There we go ? St. Paul?

Outside Corinth?

And the Carthaginians as well!
Oh, they gave the Romans hell!

Because they attacked
Rome, the Carthaginians did,

over the Alps on elephants?

and the Romans were
never expecting that.

The Romans were there, going, ?What?

The Carthaginians attacking?
God! I knew it!

What? Attacking over the Alps?
Damn! I knew they?d do that!

What?

They?re coming on elephants?

Where did they get the elephants?

There aren?t any elephants in Europe!

This I?ve gotta see?

Are you sure?

You sure it?s just not a typo mistake?

?The Carthaginians are attacking, they?re
coming over the Alps in their element??

Happy, you know?

They?re coming on fucking elephants??

They weren?t gonna, you know, they
were gonna come on skis, of course.

That was the way in
down the fucking Alps.

But their leader, Hannibal,
and his brothers,

Hasdrubal, Haveaball and Haveabanana,

whose real name was,
?whoa! Have a banana??

And Hannibal went to the shop,
and said, ?Skis for all my men!

We?re gonna attack the
Romans over the Alps.?

And the guy said,
?Sorry, I didn?t catch that.?

?We?re gonna attack the
Romans over the Alps, in fact.?

?Oh, all right. Well, fresh
out of skis at the moment.

The last pair just went to? someone.?

?Oh? that?s a bummer.?
?We?ve got some elephants, though??

?Are they good at skiing??
?Oh, tops!

Top skiers there??

?Cause elephants were much more
lithe back in Roman times,

much more like Austrian
skiing instructors are today?

Off the tops of those
roofs of chalets?

What about the people who
lives in those wooden huts?

?Fuck off my roof!

Stop skiing off my roof,
you bastards!

Bloody elephants!

All my life living at Heathrow,
coming out here?

fucking ?ell!

Bit of peace of quiet and whoom!
Fucking elephants on my roof!

Sorry about that, Mrs. Badcrumble!

Anyway? So you think I should
take up the clarinet, do you??

?Yes, I do, I think it?d be very good.

Mr. Cesar here has been learning
the clarinet for some time now.?

?Yes, I have, it?s a very good
instrument?

It?s very sexy.

I?m learning ?Snig as a Bug in a Rig.??

?Isn?t that ?Snug as a Bug in a Rug???

?Yes.?

?Well, I?ll go on, Mrs. Badcrumble.
I mean, you know, I?m just?

Why am I Australian, by the way?

?I don?t know.?

?My country hasn?t
even been invented yet?

except by the indigenous
tribes who lives there??

Whoa, there we go!

I don?t know what
all that bit?s about?

?Sorry about
living here in this hut?

Fuck off my roof! I?m gonna put a
huge hairnet up, that?s what I?ll do?

That will stop them from doing it.

? Elephants going,

?And you?re gonna stay there!?

?Can we have our ball back, please??

So he did, and Hannibal said,
?Well, all right,

you proved it with
that small film there?

You?ve let me into it
with that small elephant ski?

Are you sure
it?s a good idea?

?Oh, yes! If you?ve never
seen an elephant ski,

then you?ve never been on acid??

?Too true, as the old film shows.
Right! Elephants for all my men.?

?What size do you take??
?Six and a half, thanks.?

?All right, you guys better
be good at skiing.?

Huge ski sticks.

And the ski lifts back in those days were
enormous! I don?t know if you?ve seen?

The Carthaginians are
sitting in those bucket seats,

with two elephants
hanging off their feet

The Carthaginians are going,
?Oh, my thighs!?

The whole military thing is very
organized; it?s a very tight regime.

You need to have a military, I think,

because it?s very hip to say,
?Oh, all military should disband!?

but you keep getting
organized shitheads

that wanna kill people
come along, like Hitler.

If it?s just a shithead, that?s fine; but
if it?s an organized shithead, people go?

And that?s the problem.
Every army has rules;

there are no casual armies that go, ?Oh,
?ello, General!? "Oh, ?ello, Corporal.?

It?s all, ?Yes, Sir! No, Sir!
Yes, Sir!?

And there?s all these different salutes.

You?ve got the British one, the
American one, the French one,

and countries in Eastern Europe, new
countries, going, ?Well, we can?t use that one,

and that one?s been?
What about this one?

?Almost a surrender kind of thing??
?Well, there?s that one?

or this one?

or this one we quite like??
?Go for that one.?

?Afternoon, General.?
?Afternoon, Corporal.?

It?s not very efficient either, that?

What about that? That?s
much more efficient, sure.

Civilians, we have a hand-shaky kind of
agreement- kind of greeting thing.

And people sometimes say to you,

?Oh, come here! I want you to
meet a whole bunch of people.?

Suddenly, you?re meeting
eight people all at once,

and they all tell you their names.

?Hi, my name is Steve.?
?Steve, hi.?

?My name is Jennifer.?
?Jennifer.

Bernard??

At the end, you go,
?Good to meet you all.

Did you have names?
I didn?t hear a thing!

They?re all over here, aren?t they??

And some people do those squeezy
handshakes; that crusher handshake,

you know, the ?Small-Dick-I?ve-
Got-A-Big-Handshake? kind of...

The Compensation Handshake.

A firm handshake is great,
but that crusher one...

where they start to rotate
your knuckles, you know?

You?re going, ?Hi, how
are you? Nice to meet you??

And they go into this, and you
don?t react, you just go?

?Jesus Christ!?

We should react? because they?re
gonna get away with this,

they just keep doing this
stupid crusher handshake;

they think it?s very...

?Ooh-I-have-an-enormous-penis!?
handshake,

but we know
it?s a small dick handshake.

And you should react; if someone starts
crushing the life out of your hand,

just go, ?AAAAAAAAH!

Fucking hell!

You bastard!

Good Lord!
Hope you die in a car crash!?

Either that, or the complete opposite,
and just collapse on the floor.

?Oh, you killed him!

You killed him dead, man!

Now he suffers from
hand-squeezy death.

Yeah, you killed him?

I?m gonna tell on you!?

The other type of handshake is
that sort of ?sock in a cart?...

handshake you just receive, you know?

?Oh? I don?t know, 2 kilograms,
2.5 kilograms, what do you think??

You should always have a fish
up your sleeve for that one,

someone gives you that kind of drop-in
handshake, then you just slap in the fish?

?Hey, your hand?s come off!
Oh, it?s a fish??

?Yes, a present from my country!

Done in one! Done in one!
Done in one! ?

Then it?s the cool handshake,
the street handshake,

which is there, and then there,
there and there? and?

sometimes and bits
after it, you know?

You can?t ask how it?s done,
you just have to know it,

that?s what cool is all
about. You just know?

and you don?t actually just know, ?cause
no one knows, so you have to watch it?

And you go home and practice
furiously on five bananas?

until the thumb comes off.

?Cool? is a pursuit of youth, it?s
a fashion link thing being cool.

It?s linked to the circle- you?ve got
?Looking Like a Dickhead? over here,

?Average Looking,? ?Kind of Cool,?
?Cool,? ?Hip and Groovy??

?Looking Like a Dickhead?!

I have been known to cruise
in that back area?

I can walk down the street and
get these opposite reactions now.

I can walk down, and people go,

Makes you feel really good, but sick?

And yeah, so?

There was a look back in the ?50s...

that was a matchstick
out of the corner of your mouth,

in the sort of James Dean kind of
era, and it was considered quite cool.

It?s quite timeless as well,
it just works, I don?t know quite why;

you lean up against a wall,
and you have it there,

and you roll it around, and occasionally
you pull it out and go, ?Hey, you, kids!

You kids be cool??

?What a wanker! Who is he?

He?s eating a match!?

?Yes, I am??

It?s the urban equivalent of the
country, kind of yokel character,

with the ear of corn
out of his mouth,

going, ?Hey, you, kids!

Never suck the juice out of a tractor.?

?What?s that??

The tractor going...

All the juice sucked out of it.

How do you mime a tractor that?s
had all the juice sucked out of it?

That?s my one? Anyway?

Just a thumbnail sketch.

So?

Oh, yes! I just forgot
what I was talking about.

So one matchstick out of the corner of
your mouth, mm-hmm-hmm, quite cool.

Second matchstick out the
other side of the mouth,

and you?re looking like a dickhead!

You?re right? A third one in the front,
looks like your teeth are sliding out?

Eye patches have a
similar number problem.

One eye patch, looking quite cool!

Two eye patches?

hello?

Three eye patches- now what?s
going on here?

Pirates and the kid at
school with the lazy eye,

they were the two
groups that had eye patches;

again, very disparate.

I don?t know how you do sub-sets
with them, but anyway?

And the lazy-eye syndrome, you have
one eager beaver eye, that goes,

?Oh, look at
that! Oh! Oh!?

and the other eye is going,
?Hey, I?m in bed! I?m in bed!

Chill out, man!?

?You?re missing the best part of
the day.? ?Oh, fuck off!?

So you put the eye patch over your
lazy eye, so it can have a snooze, yeah?

Long John Silver had an
eye patch, quite cool.

Also had a parrot on his shoulder?

It was the wrong bird,
he should have had a mina bird!

?Cause parrots, they suffer
from the beautiful plumage,

?cause they?ve got greens,
and yellows and reds

real vibrant colours that really
kick out, and you go, ?Ooh, wow!?

but they look great and talk shite.

?Squawk!
Squawk! Pieces of eight, ?ello!?

A bird that says ?pieces of eight?

is equivalent to having a
bird on your shoulder, going,

??4.53!

?4.53!?

?Shut up, bird, shut up.
Don?t say that!?

??4.53!?
?Shut up! Stop talking prices!?

Yeah, stuff them! Mina birds are much
better; they?ve got slick black feathers,

and they sit on your shoulder,
and they say things like,

?Oh, look at that sunset!?

If you ever see them in a pet shop,
they want to get out of the pet shop;

they hate being cooped up in there,
they say things ?cause they?re bored.

People come up, and they say,
?Ooh! Nice shoes?

I like your haircut, you know?

I think you?re sexy!?

?That?s a nice bird! Can I buy it??

But be careful, when you
take the mina birds home,

they don?t like it; they think
they?re getting their freedom

once they?ve been bought,

but you take them into the lounge and
they get pissed off, they get sullen?

You?ve got people around,
and they go, ?Oh, they hate you!?

?What was that, mina bird??
?You heard me?

They hate you!
They put poison in your coffee.

There?s a pig under
the table with a gun.

I control them
through this cuttlefish here??

?Cause birds fly and we
have airplanes, that?s the deal;

but no one?s put a flying bird,
a bird that can fly, into an airplane.

It?d be amazing, because it wouldn?t
be flying, but it?d be flying!

A mina bird in a 747?

The birds outside?

These birds are flying
very fast, of course!

?Shit!? Oh, I?m not flying,
I?m sitting!

?Sorry?

White wine, please.?

They?re hanging on to the side!

?I haven?t got fingers,
could you cut this up, please?

Thank you very much.?

We have a fascination with flying,

hang-gliding is the
closest we?ve got.

There?s a cliff near where I used to
go to school, in Beachy Head,

and it?s a big, chocolate, 300-400
foot, maybe a mile high, who knows?

We certainly don?t, ?cause we have
no idea.

Well, we?re metric now,
so 30 cubic litres high, all right?

And the road goes very close,
if you go to Beachy Head,

and people get out of the cars and
they just want to look over the cliff.

We want to look into the jaws
of death, we have that thing;

and when
you get close to the edge,

your brain goes?

And if there?s two of you there,
you go? ?Get out there!?

What is all that about?
You can?t chuck each other off!

You know, whoever you?re
going out with ? ?Come on!?

And everyone does a lot of ?wait-on-
the-back-foot? type walking as well,

in case there?s a big crack,
and everyone goes?

And you just go lift and stand back?

They old Playtex two-step
lift and stand back.

And it?s pointless, jumping-

it would be interesting up to a
point to jump off a cliff, up to?

Up to that point?

After that, ?Oh, no, no, no!?

At the bottom, on the jaggy rocks,

and there, a lot of crabs
and seaweed going, ??Ol?!?

??Si-?or!?

All the time I was doing that,

I was thinking of a Spanish
word to say at the end of it?

came out a bit weird, didn?t it?
Should have been ??Se?or!?

not ??Si-?or!? That just sounds
like a brand of fucking cigarettes?

from the ?40s or something. God!

Weird analogy? Anyway...
Even now? Oh, fuck it!

And so? and so what?

Oh, yes, wizards!
Now wizards?

well, a bit of a jump there, but they can
fly, can?t they?They can fucking fly!

They can fucking do anything,
because they have the big

staff, the big, sort
of Gandalf kind of like?

?I?ll turn you into a pig!?
kind of thing.

And when shit?s happening,
it?s great to be a wizard,

?I?ll turn you into a pig!?
We can?t do that,

but the closest we?ve got to it,
it?s the TV control,

when you?re in your flat,
on your own, you can go, ?2!

I?ll have a bit of 3, thank you.

2. 3. 2. 3. 1!?

In North America,
they?re going, ?78! 87! 54!?

We?re going, ?4!

Volume, volume, volume, mute?

fast forward, rewind??

And then the ?pause? button
you press ?Pause,?

and when I press the pause on
a video, I want it to pause?

But you press it, and
everyone in the film goes?

Surely, that button
should say ?La Cucaracha.?

We?d love a ?La Cucaracha? button,

you?d go, ?La Cucaracha!
I?m gonna make a toffee??

A coffee, that is, not a toffee.

Switch it off, I?m gonna make
a toffee, that?s a fucking hour!

The coffee is the better one,
I don?t know? fuck it.

Ah, yes?

But I talk about television,
I know television,

I?m a child of the television age...

all the gadgets as well;

I like those, but if you lose the control,
we just sit there, going, ?uhhh??

?Switch the telly on.?
?No, I?ve lost the control!

We can?t even switch it on
by hand, the television is smooth??

In the old days, you?d say,

?Change the channel!? ?No, you
change it!? ?Change the channel!?

Eventually, the mouse is going,
?Oh, it?s not in the plan I had!

I?ll change the channel, fucking??

and the button was
really long in the ?70s,

or that turny one

?BBC1?

BBC2?

oh, it?s
come off!?

And after a while, the batteries
start to go. ?2. 2. 2! 2! 2!?

And when this happens,
you take the back off,

you put your hand up
against the batteries,

and you roll them up and down?

Yeah! That gives you an extra
two days on batteries!

Two days before the long
walk down to the petrol station

to queue with the murderers?

La Cucaracha.

Yeah? Wizards never have that problem,
do they, with their magic staff.

?I turn you into a pig.

Into a pig!

A pig!

A pi? Oh, I?m a pig now!

?Pig! Frog! Pig! Frog! Pig!

Bloody batteries! Pig! Frog! Louder Pig!

Louder pig!
Louder pig! Mute pig!

La Cucaracha The Pig!?

Television- I?m addicted to television,
I?m actually watching less of it now,

?cause at 4:00 in the morning,
I?m going, ?I must watch the?

Maybe it?s important?

Beavers do what?

Oh, dams! They build dams!

Okay. If I ever meet one, I?ll say,
?Build a dam, beaver!??

But quiz shows are something
I?ve never really got into;

quiz shows like ?Come On!?, you know
Well, officially, I?m not into them,

they come on, I go,
?God damn it! God, I don?t like this?

Jesus! A quiz?
How would somebody quiz?

Venice!

No, Vienna! Vienna!
Damn!

Fuck, I knew it was a ?V? town!?

The big mainstream quiz games,

like, you know, 8:00 o?clock on
some evening, anyone watches anything.

?Hey, it?s 8:00 o?clock,
it?s ?Who Gives a Shit??

You don?t even know what you?re
watching, and I?m Charlie Smiles,

and here it is,
it?s ?Who Gives A Shit??

Two teams of five!
Steve, tell us a bit about yourself!?

?Well, I??
?That?s great, Steve!?

?And something happened
to you when you were 2.?

?I was shot dead by a duck?

wearing Blakeys.?

?Sounds good, Steve.

This game is very, very simple and very
similar to all the other games in the world.

You?re gonna pick three things out of a
hat, put them together into a small bag.

If you choose the things
off the conveyor belt,

put your headphones on, go into the booth,
listen to some music, come back out,

act out a
scene from ?Othello,?

make a pie out of pastry, act out
another scene, sing a song,

and then, if you do that, you win
a sausage. Do you wanna do that??

?Sorry??

?Okay, you don?t go home empty-handed,
?cause we?re gonna cut your hands off!?

?Do you want to see
what you would have won?

Do you want to see
what you would have won?

You would have been
president of the world!

3 billion people as your slaves!

Instead, you?re gonna spend
your entire life living in a ditch?

with poo on your head!?

?Oh, thank you very much.?

I?ve invented my own quiz game,

for late nights, sort of Channel 4, when
everyone?s blasted out of their brains,

and it?s called ?Whose Pig Is This?? Right?
That?s what it?s called,

and it?s got a mainstream presenter,
who just comes out?

And these pigs keep getting sent out,

and he goes, ?Eh, whose pig is this??

The audience is laughing,
and he doesn?t know!

?Whose pig is this?
There?s a pig in the studio!

There?s a pig here! Can you
get this pig the fuck out of here?

Sorry about that, there?s a
pig?? Everyone laughing,

?Right. Whose pig is this now??

It goes on for about two hours,
and 400 pigs are pushed on.

Needs a bit of work, doesn?t it?
But it?s basically there,

the pig motif?

But I am a gadget nut, I?m a real-

you?ve heard of techno-fear? Well,
there?s techno-fear and techno-joy,

and techno-fear are
people on computers, going,

?No? I don?t? It?ll
wipe it? No? How...?

And techno-joy are people
?I know how to do this!

It?s? Oh, I?ve wiped it!

Oh, it? doesn?t- hit it
with a hammer! ?

That?s me, ?hit it with a??

You?re just getting something new, and
you get this big tome to read through,

and you go, ?Oh, it?s
so powerful! Oh, fuck??

And then you just set fire to it all,

and run around in your
knickers for a bit?

But I am into gadgets; I was always
fascinated by James Bond?s gadgets,

?cause he had these
brilliant little gadgets,

but the guy who gave them to him, ?Q,?
he must have been some sort of psychic,

?cause they always gave him exactly
what he would have want of,

very lean, wasn?t it?

He used every single item,

he never came back, going,

?Q, I?ve got a lot of stuff I
didn?t use on that adventure.

Went all the way out to
fucking God knows where,

and this watch that
turned into a hamster,

what was the
point of that?

These trousers, press a button,
turn into jam. Why?

The hat turned into a bicycle,
that was very funny??

It was! He?d fall into the water,

there were sharks there, he
had a breathing apparatus;

he could breathe up to four minutes.
He never went, ?Shit! It?s in the hotel!

I?ve got the trousers that
turn into jam, though??

The shark?s going,

?Oh, there?s blood everywhere!
Look, it?s blo-

It?s jam!

Oh, I?ve got water in me nose!?

Anyway?

Do they do that? Do they go?

You see a shark coming to
the surface?

?Oh, it went down
the wrong way?

I swallowed some oxygen??

Anyway?

Yeah? So he did, he had precisely-

when James Bond got into
the Aston Martin, with the ejector seat,

the baddie sat in the
fucking ejector seat!

He never sat in the back?

James going, ?You couldn?t
sit in the front, could you??

?No, Mr. Bond,
I will sit in the back.

I will sit in the back seat.

I have a gun on you, I?m a
S?mores agent and you can go nowhere.?

?You couldn?t come and sit up
here in the front, could you?

It?s a nice seat here?

I like the company.?

?No, I will not, Mr. Bond.

I?ll sit in the back here.?

?Where exactly are you from,
by the way??

?Don?t you take the piss out of me!

I will come up in the front
and talk to you? Why don?t you?

I am a S?mores agent, I
have a voice synthesizer in my throat.

I can do any accent
you can think of.

Unfortunately, I?ve lost
the instructions, it seems,

and my voice box is stuck on
?shop demonstration,?

which is a bit of a bummer??

?You?re a fucking nutter you are!

Still, he?s in the
ejector seat now, I?ll press?

Oh, shit! I?m not in the Aston Martin!

I?m in a fucking Mini!

Nice car, but no fucking ejector seat.

Even the windows are
those half ones?? ?Bugger!?

He never did that, did he, James Bond?
He never went?

That was more Muttley, wasn?t it?

?My name is Bond,
James Bond.?

That wouldn?t be cool enough for him.

?You think you?ve got me, Blowfelt?

Well, you haven?t!?

?My name is not Blowfelt,
I am a S?mores agent, man.?

?Right? Oh, I?ve got a breathing
apparatus! I know what to do.?

?What are you doing, Mr. Bond??

?I can breathe for four
minutes with this, and you can?t!?

?I think I can??

?Can you? Oh, bum!?

?You don?t have a shark,
do you, by any chance?

?Cause they quite like jam, you know??
Yeah?

I watch a lot of educational stuff on
telly as well, and I think it?s great,

?cause you can just watch
it and then fuck off;

you can go, ?Really?
Oh, really? Oh, really??

That?s a great way to
be a student-

if you could have had lessons when you
were at school, going, ?Oh, really?

Oh, that?s great!
No, I didn?t know that?

Oh, that?s the bell! Bye!?

Trouble is, the teachers would say,
?Now write that out four times,

and then I?m gonna test you tomorrow
on stuff I?ve not told you about.?

I did Physics, for some reason, I
didn?t want to do Physics at A-level,

but I did it, and...

I was quite interested
in the space stuff,

String Theory, Stephen Hawkings,
Einstein?s Theory of Relativity-

didn?t understand what
the hell it was all about?

It was great, you come
up with a theory that

you only can test if
you go into a black hole

with a ruler. ?Oh, really??

?Oh, I got sucked in!?

There must be 1 or 2 people
in blackholes, going, ?Hello?

Have you got a ladder??

You?d need quite big forearms
to pull yourself out of a black hole?

Sorry, that?s a density joke?

No, it?s a gravity joke, no density
joke? Fuck it! Anyway? So?

Yeah, Einstein came up with the
Theory of Relativity, ?E=mc2.?

Energy equals the mass, the weight,
times the speed of light squared,

and the annoying thing is it?s so
bloody precise, it?s so- it?s just there!

And he went, ?E=mc2. It works!
I?m off for a sandwich now!?

?I?m going to America to
plug my head into the main??

?Now I?m going skiing with my
elephant friends! Snowplough!?

?Fuck off my roof!
Stop skiing off my roof!?

?Fucking nuclear physicists!

Sorry about that, Mrs. Badcrumble!

Anyway, tell us that joke again
about the three banjo players??

Yeah? So anyway, he did,
he came up with ?E=mc2,?

and there must?ve been some
physicist at the time, going,

?E=mc2? I had F=mc2!
Oh, damn!

So close!?

?F? for fudge.

?Fudge equals the mass times
the speed of light squared.?

But we used to do experiments,
where you tested it.

?We decided to test the
Theory of Relativity.

Jeff got a torch?
and stood on this side of the room.

Now Jeff, switch the
torch on and shout ??go,?

and I will time how long it takes
to see the light and the speed?

Hold on, if you say ?go,?
that?s speed of sound,

and I would hear that
after I?ve seen the light,

so say ?go? slightly earlier?

and you time how early you?ve?

Oh, it?s a million miles
an hour!

I said a million billion? no one
can tell! No one can run that fast!

And mass? can you weigh
the torch for the mass, please?

Can you weigh it in a vacuum?

Can you weigh it near a vacuum, then?

You can weigh it near a
vacuum cleaner, that?s great!

4.5 fluid ounces?

And that is the energy...

in cat?s pi squared ironing board?

And so where are the batteries?
Wallop, wallop, wallop??

Then you write it all in a project,

and you put water on it, dry it off
with a hairdryer and give it in. -

?It?s kind of blurry??
?Oh, it was the rain!?

Finally tonight, I want to talk
about a guy called Pavlov,

who was Eastern European,
I think Russian,

and did the famous experiment,
?Pavlov?s Dog.?

You probably heard of, ring bells
and dogs eating food,

response times,
Pavlovian kind of response,

it?s all about ice-cream and?

And he wrote these experiments.
?Day One ? Pavlov?s Dog ?

Rang bell, dog ate food,
very excited??

He?s become Welsh!
?Very excited?

terribly excited here in...
Russia.

Day two ?

been well-accepted here in Russia?

changed my name from Evans to Pavlov.

I?m now called Gareth Pavlov?

and fitting in well.

Day two ? rang bell, dog ate
two loads of food, very excited.

Day Three, right?

Day Three ? rang three bells,
dog ate a whole bunch of food...

and my leg, too.

Very excited, win
Nobel Dog Prize for cats.?

So he did this, he won the prize?
Nobel, whatever he won,

and Pavlov?s dog, we all know that,

but you never heard his
cat results, did you?

You probably thought he was finished!

?Pavlov?s Cat Results ? Day One ?
rang bell? cat fucked off.

Damn?

Day Two ? rang bell,
cat went and answered dog.

Day Three ? rang bell,
cat said he?d eaten earlier.

Day Four ? went to ring bell on day
four, but cat had stolen batteries.

Final day ? Day Five
?

went to ring bell with new batteries,
but cat put his paw on bell,

so it only made a ?thunk!? noise.

Then cat rang his own bell!

I ate food??

I?m just gonna finish up by talking
about the beginning of time.

Very quick piece, very quick!

Beginning of time- the Big
Bang, right?

Everyone stood well back?

?What? Oh, okay?

Well, how big?

Very big. All right?

Stand back, Mrs. Badcrumble.

Come on, Cesar; come
on, Australian man?

Come on, Welsh Pavlov? ?

?Oh, thank you.?

?Never go back to the universe
once it?s been made, come on??

Suddenly, BOOM!
They all went, ?Fucking ?ell!?

And it was made, the
whole universe exploded

out in perfect circular bits that became
planets later, which was very lucky,

and later on all the planets
are gonna go all the way back

to the middle and crash back
in when the gravity gives out,

and when it goes back in, I want
to be on top of the world,

holding on to big reins,
going, ?Come on!

Come on! Come on!? Anyway?

But later on, the Earth cooled,

and Mother Nature revealed itself
to the world one day. She said,

?Creatures of the world!
Gather ?round,

I shall give you your
methods of procreation.?

All the creatures going,
?Oh, cheers, Mother Nature!

I?ve been dying for a shag, me!?

?All right, gather round?
Here?s a big clipboard here,

big flipchart!
Now? what?s this??

Ccheese? Minis?
anyone knows what this is?

Glue factory? anyone? Glue factory?

Here we go. Dogs!
How you doing, dogs??

?Okay, now dogs?
we have got you down, dogs?

your method of procreation
will be doggy fashion!

How about that??

?Yeah, we invented it!?
?I know you did!

And it?s caught on big time!

Okay, off you go??

?Be careful with the air lock!?

?Now, cats??

?Cats, good to meet you. Now, we?ve
got you down for doggy fashion!

How about that??

?What about catty fashion??
?No, sorry, dogs got in there first;

it?s a ?patent
pending? situation?

Anyway, you?ve got cat flaps,
so what the fuck are you arguing about??

?Now? Pavlov, what are you doing here??
?Well, I?ve been trying to do things and?

banjo??

?Ooh, I?m hungry now!?

?Next we have?

sheep!

Good haircut, by the way?

We?ve got you down for doggy fashion!

If you get hot, just take your
coats off, right??

?Okay? You wearing Blakeys??

?Mouse, what are you doing here??
?Well, I?ve got a space rocket out of jam?

It won?t work, but?

it?s not my best laid plan.

I could go aglay?

but Mrs. Badcrumble
is coming, and Cesar,

and the Australian guy?

And we could burn up on re-entry,
or become a sort of? thing.?

?Well, think of a joke for the
end of that line, anyway?

Off you go?
?Now giraffes! Good to see you.

We?ve got you down for doggy fashion,

but it?s whatever you
can work out, basically.

Hang off a lamppost,
lean over a tree,

you know? just swing
about a bit; I mean, sorry,

we were gonna make you
like a Spaniel kind of size,

but someone brought me
a coffee and vooom!

when I was doing design work,
and there you go?

Anyway, chin up! All right?

?Human beings? Well,
doggy fashion, catty fashion,

giraffe fashion, sheep fashion;

whatever the hell you want,
basically?

Hang upside down like a bat,

play the banjo, do it on a
golf course!

As long as you get guilt in there
somewhere, we really don?t mind?

?Now finally, salmon! Good?

Got a bit of a surprise
for you, people?

What you?re gonna do is
to swim upstream against a...

down-flowing river until
you come to a huge waterfall??

??and you?re going to leap, and leap,
and leap, and leap up this waterfall,

and you swim along, and you leap,
and leap, and leap, and leap;

then you get along,
and you lay eggs,

and you fertilize the eggs, and
then you drop down dead! Ha!?

?We?re quite happy with doggy fashion??

?No? You piss me off, you salmon!

You?re too expensive
in restaurants, that?s your trouble??

And there?s a moral to this story.

Or at least there was
supposed to be a moral,

but because I?m dyslexic,
it is, in fact, a marble.

Thank you, good night.