Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds (2006) - full transcript

How far would you go to get the person of your dreams? In Eating Out, Kyle convinced his straight roommate to pretend to be gay to get the girl. Now, with the help of Gwen and Tiffani, Kyle pretends to be heterosexual to land Troy, the new guy -- and nude model -- in town, only to find himself joining the campus ex-gay support group and nabbing a girlfriend! Kyle's ex boyfriend, Marc, is horrified at the plan and decides to pursue the confused Troy with his own tactic -- being his out gay self. Who will win him first?

[knock on door]


I'm coming as fast
as I can!

What's up, man?

What's up, dude?

Sorry, I'm late.

No problem.

So, I'll go get
my suit.

You bring
the spare board?

Oh, bro, no, I didn't.
I forgot it.

But you know what?

I got something
else you can ride.

Aw, dude,
I got you all wet.

Maybe we should get you
out of those clothes, bro.

Dude...I got
a girlfriend.

Does she know you
mess around with dudes,

or are you just
some big closet case?

Maybe you're confused.

Or maybe you like
playing confused.

I-I don't know.

I don't know what I am.

You're so sexy
when you stammer.

You're good.


I play confused.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm straight.



No, rip open my shirt.

Sir, yes, sir.




Less teeth, more tongue.

This is how you do it.

Oh, that feels so good.

God, I love your tits.
Stop calling them tits.

I want to eat
your tits all day.

Stop calling them tits.
I love your tits.

Stop calling them tits!

I love your breasts.
I want to fuck
your breasts.

Shane, sweetie...

Are you having
that gay fantasy again?

Honey, it's not you.

Well, it's you.

What's wrong if I want
to see a little boy-on-boy
in the bedroom?

Nothing, I guess,
if you're a gay man.

Close enough.
But you can't expect me

to go gay every time
you want to have sex.

I don't want you to be gay,

So, you want me
to get it on

with another guy
in front of you?

Well, in front of,
on top of, yeah.

Gwen, I'm not gay.
I'm not bi.

I'm a heterosexual breeder.

And if you can't accept that,
then we probably shouldn't
be dating.

How can you be
so homophobic?

You're ridiculous.

Oh, don't even think
you're breaking up with me.

I'm breaking up with you.

I've sat in millions
of bedrooms

and listened
to millions of boys

tell me they're leaving me
for the pole.

I'm not going to sit here
and have one leave me
for pussy!

I'm leaving you, Shane!

Go not suck
all the dick you want!

And you keep laying
that pride parade march
right on through your crotch!

Tits, tits, tits, tits, tits!

Crazy fuckin'
doesn't know what she wants--


Stop the spread
of faggotry.

Stop the spread
of faggotry.

I wish!

I told you this
was gonna happen.
I know, Kyle.

That's all you've said
from day two:

"You're too hot, Marc.
You're gonna leave me."
And look how right I was.

You weren't right, Kyle.

Your puppy-dog eyes
and goofy charm turned me on,
but you wouldn't believe it.

How could I believe it
when you flirt with everyone?

I don't flirt with everyone.

I making friends.

Well, did you have to
befriend every member
of the gymnastics team

and Alpha Gamma Testes?

God, it's like
you're only happy

when you think
you can't have me.

I wouldn't be jealous
if you went out and made
some hot friends.

See? I'm too boring
for you.

You want a boyfriend
who's all social
and hangs out

with confident,
guys like...him.

Hey, Sebastian.
Who's this?

Who are you?
He's here
for emotional support.

I'm supposed to be
your emotional support.

But you're too emotional.



So, what, it's been about...
[smacking lips]

five days since
you last jerked off?

Wow, you're good.


Thanks, Eric.
That was fun.

No. Thank you, Teri.


And I think this is yours.

Well, have fun fucking
his puppy-dog eyes

and goofy charm.

I hope someday you can see
past everything you don't like
about yourself

and realize we had
something special.

Wow. That was Hallmarky,
Marc, even for you.


Stop the spread
of faggotry.

Stop the spread
of faggotry.


Okay, just because
we used to date the same loser

doesn't mean we have to be
all cunty to each other.

You're right. Truce?

Oh, I'm s--

What's wrong?

I just...

I don't want to be
a slut anymore.

I want a boyfriend.


I just really wish Caleb
was still here.

Is that the heterosexual
you were trying to sleep with?

No. Well, yes.

He was my roommate
who I used to want.

Your roommate dumped you?

No, my boyfriend dumped me.

My roommate isn't here
to help me through this.

So, is your roommate the gay one
or the straight one?

You're not listening to me.
My boyfriend's gay,

and not just that,
he's the hottest gay
I will ever make it with.

Honey, you're gonna make it
with plenty of hotties.

Mom, it's not even that.
He's gonna find a new boyfriend
first, and I'm gonna be alone.

You are not
going to be alone.

There are plenty
of rainbow fish in the sea.

Plenty of cocks in the henhouse.

Plenty of freshmen ass
in the locker room.

Ew, Mom!

Kyle, I am
really trying here.

I know, Mom. Thanks.

Do you have any idea
what it's like to be a gay man
trapped inside a woman's body?

My God,
you have no idea.

Well, there's, like,
five gay men trapped inside me,

and they're all greasy
and having sex with each other

and just trying
to fuck their way out.

Send me an X-ray.

Why are you being
all Fiona Apple?

I broke up with Shane.
He's single?

Hands off, cock-monger.

I'm kidding.

What is it with straight guys
and their aversion
to sucking dick?

I just got dumped.

What is with gay guys
wanting to suck
everyone's dick?

Yeah, I heard.
I'm so sorry.

Sorry you're a psychopath.

I say this with
my trademark sweetness,

but you do know that Marc
was the best thing that will
ever happen to you?

Hey, I'm a catch.
Says who? Your mom?

Other people do, too.

I just...

I just want to hear
"I love you"

instead of "Take it,
you tight little snatch."

Hi, Mr. Thompson.

Oh, I love your pastel
paisley halter

with the chiffon
inlet overlay.

My wife has one
just like it.

[mouths words]
Okay, class.


I don't know how many of you

are sick to death
with still life,

but if I see another fruit,
I'm gonna have a hissy.
[apple thuds]

I think it's time
that we tried something

a little more...dangerous.

[door opens]

meet Troy.

[door closes]


Troy's going to model
for us today.


Troy is a veterinarian major

who has just
moved here, fresh,

from a little town
in Illinois known as--

Oh, Troy.

[chuckling, muttering]

Troy from Troy.

My parents didn't want me
to forget where I was from.

How rustic.

He's got an accent.
He looks like
he spent his life

baling hay
and milking things.

He looks like sex.

Well, um,
Troy from Illinois.

[laughing, muttering]

Uh, whenever you,
uh, feel inspired.


I, uh...
[clears throat]

So, uh, where
do you want me?

On my face.

Right here on my desk.

And, uh, we'll get you in, um,
several different positions.

reverse cowgirl, 69.

Chalks to paper!


Dropped it.
Guess I'll just ha--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Permit me.

I wouldn't want you

to ruin anybody's art
by moving.


Nice to meet you.

Same here.

Okay. I'm just...


I want to hit that
harder than Ike hit Tina.

Oh! I want
to be wrapped in his arms
forever and ever.

I want to see him
get it on with his

You think he's gay?

Does Whitney
want crack?

Hey, there!

I didn't recognize you
without your penis.

I had to leave it there.
School property and all.

I'm Gwen.

The girl with the big boobs
is Tiffani.

The guy with the small pe--
I'm Kyle.


From Troy.

[clears throat]
Oh, are those your drawings?


This is mine.
That's Kyle's, and Tiffani's.

I've never drawn one before,
so I figured

that I would
just focus on it.

Well, you're very generous.
I'm a giver.

Aw, this one's incredible.

You just spoke to me.

Are you an art major?

She's undeclared, which is
practically the same thing.

Well, you should be.

How'd you get into
nude modeling?

Well, I grew up
in the country,

and no one's around,
so I just go naked a lot.

Then I bought a Webcam.
I'm so Googling you.

When I moved here,
I found I can get paid
to hang out naked.

I was like, "Sign me up!"

Next stop, porn.

How much does that ass
of yours bring in?

Oh, 50 bucks a class.
Porn pays way better.

Yeah, I'd just as likely do it
for a case of beer or weed.

Ah, noted.
When did you move here?

A couple weeks ago.
All by your lonesome?

I'll bet it was great.

Start over where no one
knows your name.

You can do anything you want
with whomever you want.

I guess.

Kind of miss my mom.

Oh, so you're close
to your mom?

I miss both my parents,

but there's something
about a mom, you know?

A boy needs none other
than the love of his mother.


Hey, we were gonna
go grab some coffee.
You wanna come?

Ah, I got to get home.
But thanks for the offer.

Maybe some other time?
Someone waiting for you
at home?

Uh, my roommate.

He's secretly
in love with me.

I'll see you in class.
Keep up the good work.

Oh, keep up the good penis!

Stop the spread of faggotry.

I totally thought
he was a 'mo

till he made that lame
straight-guy joke.

He's an enigma
fucking a riddle
fucking a mystery.

I love being single.

Stop the spread
of faggotry.

But spreading
is my favorite thing.

I'll be praying for you.

Hold that pose.

Would you boys do me a favor
and just sit there for a minute?

Or 20?

But I want him
out of here in five.

What's her story?

I, uh, used to flirt
with this one,

but we never did anything
'cause I wasn't available.

So we're going to make up
for lost time.

[door opens]

Man whore!

[door closes]

Lucky bastard.

See that guy over there?

The studly rack of meat
or your loser ex-boyfriend?

The meat rack. Marc pre-cheated
with him and with a couple
of other guys, too.

He pre-cheated?
It's this thing that gays do.

The moment their relationship
starts getting a little rocky,

they start lining up
replacement sex partners.

The second they're single,
it's, "Hey, remember me?
You want some head?"

Your boyfriend's
far too creampuff
to cheat.

I didn't say he cheated.
He pre-cheated.

God, you're paranoid.
I know how his mind works.

If I were hot enough,
I'd do the same thing.

I guess it's over.

Look what I found!

Nude guy!

So, Troy, the three of us
are falling behind in art class,
and we were wondering...

Do you have
a preference?



See? It works.

Now take off
your clothes, damn it.

This is kind of weird.

No. Come on.
We're just gonna draw, really.

So, did you leave someone
special back home?


That's probably good.

I've always wondered
what it would be like
to live on a farm.

I mean,
what did you do for fun?

Mostly, we'd just drive around
the strip on weekends

or-- or throw parties
in some field.

I always liked the idea
of being out among all
the nature,

getting fucked
in a rainstorm,

getting fucked
in a tractor,

getting fucked in a...

Can't say I did all that.

Well, where did you
get fucked?
I don't know.

Regular places.

My car.
In the ass?

Excuse me?

Oops. I mean,
boys or girls?


Uh, I'm sorry. If you don't
want to talk about this...

No, it's-- it's okay,
I guess.




Why? Does that freak you out?
Oh, honey, no.

I'm what they call a fag hag.
So you are gay, then.

I am...
I'm not gay. It's just...

Well, all kinds of people
hit on me,

so I just kind of
go along with it.

What the hell
does that mean?

I like it.

I mean,
we're all just people.

Just bodies
with organic needs.

So, did you ever
have a girlfriend?
Sort of.

What about boyfriends?

Well, I-- I had
this really close friend
in high school.

But I never done much
with a guy before,

'cause I want to get married
and have kids.

Not that gay guys can't,
'cause they can.

It's just...

I don't know.

Being gay just seems
like so much work.
Amen, sister.

First, you have to
tell everyone.
That's no fun.

And then
there's rejection.
You're never hot enough.

If you're lucky.

There's this group--
Coming In.

I kind of wanna go
check 'em out, 'cause I
think they might fix me.

The antigays?

Just like you, Kyle, right?

Kyle used to be gay.

You two should hang out,
get to know each other,

swap stories.
[nervous chuckle]

You're an ex-gay?


You're, like, my idol.

I totally just wanna get inside
of you and learn everything.


Oh, my God!

You two are together, right?

Yes. Yes.

We are boyfriend
and girlfriend.

God, I knew it!

You're always together,
but I wasn't sure.

It must've been the...
The fact that I act so faggy?

And you're
really straight now?

As a cucumber.

God! No wonder I felt
so comfortable with you two.

How long you been together?

a few months.

And it's true love.
Open up, my little sex monkey.
Oh! Oh, God!

[nervous laugh]
[forced laugh]

You're comfortable
that he used to...

Smoke sausage?

You know, we've all got
skeletons in our closet.

His are just more well hung.
And how's that going for you?

Well, how do you think
it's going for him?
Look at me. I'm perfect.

Yeah. Yeah, she's awesome.

Oh! He especially loves
my titties.


So, what are the meetings like?

Oh, uh, you know, I've never
been to this chapter.
I don't--

Oh, my God. Would you do me
the biggest favor?
Of course I'd do you...

You have to take me
to one of these meetings.
There's one tomorrow.

You could be, like,
my-- my sponsor or whatever.

You know, honey, do it.

It might do you some good
to renew your vows
to heterosexuality.

Not that he doesn't
ride me every night.


Uh, okay.

It's a date!

I'll be right back.
I have to go use the head.

What the hell
just happened?

We just got you laid
by Troy from Illinois.

You made me into an ex-gay.
Those are my least
favorite kinds of gays.

Grow some nuts.
Do you think
he would've been

remotely interested
in you if you were
just another gay guy?

Listen to me.

I don't have a chance
in this godforsaken world

of wrapping my lips
around his 40 acres and a mule,
but you do.

So you're saying
he'll let me have sex with him
because I'm not gay?

You heard him.
You'll be his new
close friend.

Since you're straight,
you'll get to hang out
with him.

You'll support him
in all those straight
emo bonding ways

until, eventually,

all his repressed passion

Right down
your throat.

This is sick.
You're both sick!

You think it could work?



No way.

I'm so nervous.
It's okay.

You'll be fine.

What are you doing?
Straight-male bonding.
Just have fun.




I'm Octavio.

Introductions lead
to conversations,

lead to invitations
of intercourse
with the wrong persuasion.

I'll do the introducing.

What the hell do you want?

Oh, uh...
We want to join.

I find that hard to believe.

Maybe we should leave.
God believes me.

Well, I did pray for you.

I know.


I'm Jacob Buchanan,
Coming In president.

This is Derek, Allan,
Roy and, uh...



Well, I'm Kyle, and...

Hi, Troy.

Hello, Kyle.
You do know

what we're all about here,
right, at Coming In?

Well, yeah, but he
doesn't need to be here.

He's a success story.
[nervous chuckle]

Kyle's renouncing
his sexuality?

What's going on?
Are you sitting down?

Now, who'd like to speak first?
Okay, I will.

I have some great news
that is gonna change
all of our lives.

I have been asked
to present

the new ad campaign
for Coming In National.

The board of directors,
including my mom,
is gonna be here next week,

and if they like
my presentation,

which they will,

you're gonna see my posters

in high schools
and college campuses

across the nation.

"Homo no more.
Stop the spread of faggotry."

Now, I need you to repeat
this slogan to every student
across campus.

"Homo no more" is gonna become
a national catchphrase.

"Can you hear me now?"

Yeah, only more clever.

So, let's have a testimonial.
Who wants to start?

I sucked a dick.

Shut up.
Are you serious?

Like a fox.
That's fabulous.

What was it like?

Yeah, yeah.
Well, tell us how it
made you feel, Violet.

Well, I got really trashed

at the Up With Jesus kegger,

and this skinny guy

with dyed black hair
and lipstick

asked if I wanted
to do one of those
upside-down keg shooters.

They started playing
My Chemical Romance,
so I took that as a sign.

Downed half the keg,
and before I knew it, we were
in the back of his mom's Saab--

choking on his dick,

my makeup smearing,
I'm about to puke.

It was great.

I watched porn.

Straight porn.
And I made sure
it was Ron Jeremy,

so I wouldn't focus
on his, um...


And it was hot.

Good. Good.

Allan, how are
things going with, um...

Was her name Leslie?

I think so. Yeah.

Uh, we went on a date.

And what happened
on this date?

We went to this cute
little Italian restaurant.

Service was great.

No. No, no.
I meant physically.

Oh, well, um,

after dinner,
we went back to her dorm.

Were you nervous?
Oh, yeah.

Turned on?

I'm trusting at some point
you got turned on, right?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!


Totally...turned on.
Rock hard.

Tell me about that.

Uh, um, let's see.

We sat on her bed,

and she showed me
this photo album she had

of this Japanese internment
camp she had visited.

And we were balancing
the book on our legs,

and her knee
grazed my knee,

and that kind of
got me going.

And then?


She jumped
on top of me.


And, uh, I let her
kiss me and stuff.

Good! Good.
Now, did she go for second base?

Run her hands up and down
your smooth chest
underneath your shirt?

A little.

Might not count.
Why don't you show me?

Like...this, I guess.

But never the nipples?

On this date,
did you think about men?

No. No.

What about
your locker room fantasy?

Thrusting jockstraps,
towels snapping at your ass.

I never said anything
about towels.


next week's assignment--

and I'm holding you to this--
is third base.

But what about the girl?

Yeah, Leslie.

Shouldn't I respect her
and stuff?
Don't worry.

She's not gonna get pregnant.

All I'm asking for
is one finger...

[swooshing sound]
in her bush.

So, I'm fascinated to hear
your guys's stories.

I'm not ready
to talk yet.

But, uh, Kyle here
has got a hottie girlfriend,

and they can't keep
their hands off each other.

You...have a girlfriend?

And you used to be gay?

Well, why don't you
tell us, Kyle,

what brought about
this amazing change?

Uh, my story...

Just speak from the heart,
like Jesus would.

Well, I was...

pretty much born gay.

Mom said
my first sentence was,

"Get those boobs
out of my face," so...

Anyway, uh,
I lived the gay lifestyle
for a while,

and I dated
a lot of guys.

A lot...of guys.

Just mens
and mens and mens.

I mean, they were calling me
all the time.

"Kyle, please have sex
with me. Please!"

I was so popular.
[Jacob] But then it began
to take its toll.

See, you realized that gays--

they're not interested
in getting to know you.

No, as soon as you put out,
they vanish,

and then they never
call you back when they say
they're gonna call you back,

because they're out
with some stud

when they say
they should be in class!

I wouldn't say that.

Well, then, what exactly
would you say, Kyle?

What brought about
this amazing transformation?

Well, I got fed up

with the men
and the sex and the fun,

the music
and the apple martinis.

And just when
I didn't know what else to do,

an angel from heaven above
flew into my life.

A sexy 52-24-48 angel
named Tiffani.

Is Tiffani a rhinoceros?
Size doesn't matter.

What matters is,
is that I fell in love,
and I never looked back.

Oh, stop.

But what about the sex?

Oh, it's a piece of cake.
I just say, "Kyle,

"take everything you love
about Reese Witherspoon
and project it

onto this girl
who wants to be with you."

And now I can't get enough.

That's incredible.

Yeah, 'cause you seem
really gay.

Not anymore. I'm telling you,
there is nothing

like the smooth, wet,
porcelain lips of the vagina

spreading and enveloping me,

squeezing against
the head of my dick
ever so firmly.

And that's nothing

compared to what it feels like
to eat her out

and lap up
all those fresh juices.


[snaps fingers]

Well, we look forward
to seeing you both again.

Well, we both look forward
to coming.
? ["Hallelujah Chorus"]

With girls.
A little ex-gay joke.

Jesus now
will be keeping
an eye on you.

Hey! Stop the spread
of faggotry.

Fuck off, man.

That was fun!
That was nerve-racking.

Yeah, you were sweating
like a suicide bomber
on a summer jihad.

Man, I love your...

sense of humor.

Man, you really dig
your pussy.

Yeah. So, what are
you up to now?

I gotta go model
for Mr. Thompson's art class.

Hey, uh, are we still on
for tomorrow's game?

Go, local sports team!


This must be
the right place.

Hey, I'm Marc,
Professor Thompson's
next top model.

But I use the word
"top" loosely.

Wow, great body.
Yeah, I know.

I meant you.

Oh. Oh, thanks.

You're, uh,
supposed to wear it
over your shoulders.

The robe.

Oh. Yeah.

Did you want some privacy?
'Cause I could come back.

No. No. I'm gonna be naked
in front of 15 people.

You're easy.
How would you know?

No, I-- I wouldn't.

Anyway, we're gonna be naked
in front of 15 people.

We're posing together.

You got a problem with that?

No, of-- of course not.

Are you gay?

Well, yeah.
You got a problem with that?

N-No, I-- I don't
have a problem with that.

I mean, you're not straight,
are you?


Oh, my heck!
Who-- Who are you?

Uh, I'm Marc,
your model.

You are?
Well, what about him?

You didn't request
two models for today?

I have the Student Services req
in here.



I can't find it.

I mean, I guess if you
don't need two nudes today,
I can leave.

Oh, n-n-- Okay, okay.
I know what.

Yeah. 'Cause I-- I do need
both-- both of-- both models.

Nude. In five minutes.

I'd forget head
if it wasn't on top of me.


I would forget my head
if it wasn't on top of me.

My wife is always
correcting my grammar.

You know I'm, uh...

[clears throat]
I am, um-- I'm married.

I don't know
if you know that.
Oh, okay.

You guys...carry on.

I'll, uh...
I'll get the class ready.

So, what's
your name again?


And you're Marc.

With a C.
Pretty gay, huh?


Look, dude, if you're worried
about me looking at your dick,
I can turn around.

But, I mean, don't sweat it.
You're not my type.

I'm not?

No. Should you be?
No, I guess not.

I mean, you're hot and all,
but I like guys
who can take charge.

Plus, your hair is too dark.
And you're too tall.

Gee, thanks.

Just being honest with you.
I think it's great-- types.

I mean, if we all wanted
the same thing,
might as well be straight.

Maybe not everyone knows
what their type is.

True enough.

There was this one guy...

This sounds stupid,
but when I met him,

I sort of saw something
in his soul, like a light.

And physically,
he was nothing like any
of the guys I dated before.

But when I saw that light,
I realized...

this is my type, too.

I asked him out, eventually.

That's deep.

Fuck you.

No, I'm serious.

So, whatever happened
to your soul man?

Doesn't matter.

Anyway, that's...

ancient history.

Hey, you need
a workout buddy?


This feels horrible.

Stop shaking
your ass so much.
No, I mean lying to Troy.

Honey, men lie.
And you're a man, technically.

Well, tonight,
you better not forget to...

Oh, honey, I never
forget to fuck.

No, "fuck," as in...


Well, hey, boys,
what's up?

Oh, you two
know Marc?

I used to have
a big crush on Kyle.

Didn't I?
But he's not
your type at all.

So, how do you two
know each other?

We got naked together
last night.

Yeah, we both model
for Mr. Thompson.

Ah. Well, he's a regular
Gus Van Sant.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

You haven't fucked him yet.

Hey, I don't treat people
like pieces of meat.

Well, you should.
It's fun.

You do know
he's gay, right?

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Is that against the rules?

Dude, that's the only
fucking rule!

Keep away from hot gay guys
unless they have girlfriends
like me.

Okay, okay. Well,
don't queen out about it.

Besides, he told me
I'm not his type.

And you believed him?

I bet he told you he saw
a light in your soul, too.

Kyle, I think your girlfriend's
getting jealous.

Oh, please.
She trusts me completely.

We're stronger than ever.
In fact, we were just
about to...fuck.


Yeah. I can hardly
keep my fingers off
his big, hard stick,

especially when he's all...
[inhales sharply]

sweaty from power walking.

I'll bet.
Go for it.


Stick your hand
in his shorts.

Get him hard.

No way.
What? Aren't you
straight anymore?

Of course I'm straight.
I just don't think parading

my heterosexuality around
in public is very polite.

Well, then, how about
you two just kiss?

Yeah, that'd be hot.

A kiss.

And use some tongue.

Unless you don't like
kissing your girlfriend.

Oh, I love kissing
my girlfriend.

Prove it.

Oh, why should...


You two, get a room.
Invite me over.

[car approaching]

[tires screech]



What are you doing here?
I was just running errands.

Oh, baby, this is more
than I could ever
have hoped for!

This is wonderful!

You are a girl, right?

Mom, of course she's a girl.
Would you please
stop hugging me?

We hadn't told her yet.
You don't understand.

I used to catch this boy
masturbating with every
vegetable in the fridge.

And now this! Oh!

Have you told that awful
ex-boyfriend of yours yet?

Mom, I have a feeling
that he already knows.

I have a feeling
this is the funniest thing
he's ever seen.

Well, I have a feeling that
the childish things that he's
doing are acts of jealousy.

In some small way,
it's nice to know
that he cares for a change.

Who gives a shit about him?
I'm gonna be a grandma!

This is war!
Marc is gonna rue the day
he ever messed with me!

Wow, you almost seem
like a top.
Marc thinks he can get

whatever he wants
just by taking his shirt off.

Maybe some guys don't want
a hot, muscular stud who's
confident with their sexuality.

Maybe some people think
it's charming enough to pretend
that you're sexually conflicted.

Some people like...


Oh, hi, honey.
I'm Tiffani.

The rhinoceros?
Excuse me?

Tiffani, this is Octavio
from that group that I
was telling you about.

Mmm. Rhinoceros?

I'll call you tonight.

Good luck
not fucking each other.

So, Octavio.

[corrects pronunciation]

It's like you're saying
a V and V at the same time.

"B and B"?

V and V.

So, what are you
doing here?

Your girlfriend's sexy.

Nothing like I expected.
So what are you saying?
I'm not good enough for her?

No, I just...
I didn't believe you.

Something about you
screamed single...and lonely.

Well, as you can see,
I'm clearly not.

And horny.


You're-- You're
hitting on me.
Yes, I am.

[mouths words]

What about Homo No More?

I thought they
straightened you out.

Yeah, but when I
saw you at the meeting,

I sort of fell off my wagon.

Well, you didn't really
have that far to fall.
Shut up.

I must have you.

I have a feeling that this
is against the rules.

It's okay. That bossy guy,
Jacob, he breaks the rules
all the time.

Wait. Jacob's gay?
Of course.

One time he followed me
into the bathroom at school

and started tapping his toes
underneath the stall.

enough about him.

Your lips taste
like cherry.

It's my girlfriend's
lip gloss.

Oh, Octavio.
[corrects pronunciation]

Well, I'm this way.
Thanks for the jog.

Cool. Hey, you wanna
come over tonight?

Uh, no, I can't.
I'm gonna watch the game
with Kyle and Tiffani.

Oh. Well, you guys have fun.

Hey, you wanna
jog again tomorrow?

Maybe late afternoon?
We can hang out afterwards.

That'd be great.

That's how we gays do it.

Hey, w-wasn't
that awesome?


Kyle made his mom so happy.

What could they
possibly have in common

besides wanting
to be straight?

Well, they both have dicks
that haven't been sucked today.

Thanks, Gwen.

You have nothing
to worry about.

Kyle's nonthreatening.
He's milk

or something you use
when you run out of normal milk.

And you're cream--
gay cream.

Hold still!

What's up with
all the drawing?

I don't know.

I like it.
I'm kind of good at it.

Since when?

Since now.

I think I found my calling.

I barely think
about sex anymore.

I just wanna draw it.

That's so not like you.

And you being all jealous
isn't like you, either.

Look, it's simple.
Troy is a blank canvas.

No, he's a sketch.

He's got all these lame ideas
about what being gay is like,

but he needs you to come in
and provide the horny details.

And before you know it...

fine art.


[crowd cheering on TV]
Fucking shit!
Fucking shit!

Come on, motherfuckers!
We can win this!

Kyle, 48 points behind
with less than a minute to go.

[TV off]

That was
actually fun, though.

I mean, it sucks
that we lost.

Aw, you'll get over it.

Um, so how was your day?


But, you know, there was
something that I wanted
to talk to you about.

Something I didn't share
with the group yesterday.

I didn't exactly
go cold salami when I
decided to turn straight.

There were a few slip-ups.
While you were with Tiffani.

Well, yeah.
And she's great,

because she understands
how pent-up feelings

can just explode if you don't
do anything about 'em.

So, it's-- it's okay
if one of us makes a mistake
every once in a while.

You know, we've even talked
about the possibility of...


What, like a three-way?

Yeah. I had a three-way once.

Yeah, with two girls.

Oh. I guess that counts.


We were in this empty farmhouse
outside of town.

It was going great,
you know.

They had me in the middle.
We were kissing.

And then they
pulled their panties down
and pushed me downtown,

and that's when things
started to fall apart.

So you didn't like it?

Well, it wasn't
doing much for me.
Does that make me gay?

Well, lots of straight guys
don't like eating pussy.

I mean, they complain
about it all the time.
So what happened next?

Well, the situation
got worse.

I couldn't, you know.

I couldn't find their clits.
You couldn't?

Or G-spots or whatever.

I was down there forever.
It was embarrassing.

They laughed at me.

And one of them even called me
the Susan Lucci
of tongue fucking.

Seventeen attempts
and no clit.

I know where it's at.
You do?

Well, could you show me?

Show you?
How do you find it
on Tiffani?

How am I supposed
to show you that?
I don't know. Use your fingers.

How about I use yours?

You know, so you can feel
what I'm doing.

This is stupid.
No, come on.
It'll be fun.

I'll show you
my whole routine.

All right.
[clears throat]

All right. First,

you gotta start
with some little teases.

Breathe on it.

Make her squirm.

And then, you just...

Which is usually not
the reaction that I get.

No, it's-- it's good.
It's-- It's good.

In the middle
of all of this,

of course,

is the love button.

But most girls go nuts
if you just...

dive on in.

That's good.

That's really good.

Sorry I missed the game, guys.
What the hell?

I was just showing Troy
some tips on the art
of cunnilingus.

Not that I need 'em.

Even Melissa Etheridge could
learn a thing or two from Kyle.

I gotta get going.

Oh, stay.
There's plenty to eat.
Yeah, you don't have to go.

Uh, I gotta
call it a night.

Thanks for, um,
time, Kyle.

Did you see that?
One more session like that,
and he's gonna explode.

Yeah, if he doesn't explode
with Marc first.

I win!



So, uh, when did you first
know for sure you were gay?

Mmm. Just now.

No, I had my suspicions
when I was, like, 12 or 13.

But I didn't know for sure
until a couple years later

when I went down
on my first guy.

It's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

What? Being gay?


Imagine that you think you're
gonna live your life one way--

you get a job, you get married,
get a three-bedroom house--

and then you discover
this...thing about yourself.

It opens up a million
new options as to how
you can live your life.

Suddenly, you don't have
those milestones

that straight people have
to compare each other against.

You can...choose
your own adventure.

I love those books.

Me, too.
But aren't you worried

you'll end up all alone
and not have
any of those things?

Doesn't everyone?
Gay or straight?

Sprint you home.


And just so you know,
Kyle's mom's reaction

to him being straight
wasn't awesome.


you said it like
you were happy for them.

Like that's the way
it should be.

My parents are totally cool
with me being gay.

Yeah, but are your parents
really okay with it?

I bet Kyle's mom
grew to be okay with it.

But you saw
how happy she was.

And that's what parents
really want for their kids.

If you ask,
most parents will say

they just want their kids
to be happy.

And maybe my mom
would be happier if I put
my dick somewhere else.

But you've seen those ex-gays.
Is that happy?

If your parents love you

and they think you're happy,
they'll adjust.

I don't think my parents
would adjust to me being gay.

They shouldn't have
anything to do with it.

You have to be who you are.
It's the only way
you can live with yourself.

And it's the only way
I can live at all.

Did you wanna take a shower?

Talk about getting my
creative juices flowing.

I didn't know
you were here.
Wait. Keep 'em down.

Would you boys
let me draw you?

What, together?

No, right where you are.
Right now.

I'll call it Proposition.

What do you think?
I don't know. It...

It's this or renting a movie.
Choose your own adventure.

When I walked in on the two
of you, I was, like,

"Fuck this

If I can capture the tension
between these two"...

There was tension?
Honey, it was more tense than
Star Jones in a training bra.

Now, make that look
you had--

surprised, a little turned-on,
kind of scared.

No. I don't know.

Stare at Marc's crotch
and imagine what he could
do to you with that.

Trust me,
he could do a lot.


So, uh, you two dated?

Gwen was my last girlfriend.
And Marc was my first.

After him,
all I ever wanted
to date were fags.

I've got an idea.
This could take forever,

and I see the potential for
something more interesting.

Could I do a series
with you guys?

Almost like a story
that starts with this scene
and goes from there.

What do you think?
I don't know.

If I said,
"Pose with a woman,"
you'd totally do it.

It's not like we'd even
have time to pose for a series.

I'll take photos
and use them to draw from.

Come on.
We can be done in minutes,

depending how well
you two...connect.

Yeah, but Troy
feels uncomfortable.

No. I'll do it.

I'll get my camera.

You sure?


Choose your own adventure.

Okay, Troy, sit back down.
Marc, off with the pants.


Okay, Troy,
stand back up with Marc.

I want you to do
that same character
you were doing.

Like he's a virgin
and he wants it,
but he's confused.

Can you do that?

So, Marc, honey,
why don't you
get down on one knee

and put your hands

Yeah, that.
[camera beeps]

raise the shirt a little
and lift your head

so you're looking
into his eyes.

[camera beeps]

Look like you're in the moment
and you want it.


Marc, I want you to stand
and take Troy's...

Yeah, that.
[camera beeps]

Now, Troy,
the removal of the shirt

is one of
the hottest moments.

When you know soon
you'll be skin on skin,

chest on chest,

lips on lips.

[camera beeps]
Marc, toss the shirt aside.

Marc, lick one of
Troy's nipples.

Don't worry.
It'll feel good.

Yeah. I-- I know.

[camera beeping]

Troy, run your left hand
through Marc's hair.

[camera beeps]

Marc, hold it right there.

Troy, pull Marc in.

[camera beeps]


[camera beeps]

Marc, lick his chest
up to his neck.

[camera beeps]

How you feeling, Troy?

Really, really good.

Then throw your head back.


It's perfect.
Stay right there.

Marc, make like you're
kissing your way down.

[camera beeping]

How 'bout I do this?

This is hot, right?
God, yeah.

You're a natural, Troy.

[camera beeps]
Close your eyes.

Marc, move down between his legs
and kiss his stomach.

[camera beeping]

Now, Marc, get up
so that you're on top of him,


You can open your eyes
if you want.

Hold that pose.
Like you're about to kiss.

One of those first kisses

that takes forever
before you meet.

Moving closer...

and closer.

[camera beeping]


My card's full.
Hey, look, I wanna
keep this going.

You're fine with that, right?

I'll just go upload 'em
in my room.

It'll take 15 minutes.
Hold that pose.

I'll be in my room.
With the door closed.

[door closes]

I...don't think I can stay
like this for 15 minutes.

Me, either.

I-- I know
I'm not your type, but...

And I'm not a girl,
but we'll improvise.


Oh, that feels so good.

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...




I'm sorry. It's--
It's been a while.

Plus, I--
I haven't gotten it
like that before.

Like that--
meaning with a guy
or meaning it was that good?

Here, let me
get you a towel.
No, wait.

My turn.

[moaning, grunting]


Teeth! Teeth!
Sorry. Sorry.

It's okay.

Oh, yeah! Oh!

Oh, yeah!

All right.


Am I not
doing it right?

No, you were fine.
I just...

No, I just can't.

Fuck! Why am I so bad
at giving oral sex?

No, you were doing great.
I just...

I'm sorry.

Is it because
I'm not your type?

Troy, you're hot,
trust me.

Or, no, don't trust me.

Can you wait one minute?

These are hot.

I can't do it.

But it's going
exactly how you wanted.

I just can't do it.

If Kyle wants
to pretend to be straight
just to have sex with Troy,

that's his prerogative.

I just can't
do this anymore.

Well, can we at least
finish the photo shoot?

[door closes]

[car departs]
Oh, great.

He's probably
freaking out about
making it with a guy.

He's probably
looking for someone
who won't cock-tease him.

I know where
he's going.

I fucked up.
What is it?

I had sex with a guy.

Was it Marc?

Oh, my God!
That's horrible!

I know. It was.

It was?
It was?

I felt so guilty,

all I could do
was think about you, Kyle.

Yeah. And how I let you down,

and how I let
the group down,

and how, more than anything,
I just wanted to be
with a woman.

Or with a man and a woman.

I don't know.
It's so confusing.

And then I thought
of you two,

and what good friends
you've been to me,

and how honest and open
you've been about
your struggles, Kyle,

and about how you two arrangement.

Wait, wait.
Is this too weird?

It's not too weird!
It's not too weird!


Show me.

Show me your routine.

Oh. It's gonna go
that far, huh?

Three-ways usually do.

I want you to teach me.

Please? I need this.

Well, why don't I do
a little mouth magic
on you first?

That'll get me all nice
and rolling out
the welcome mat down there.

No. You two first.

That way, it'll get me ready
for what you're gonna do to me.

But you don't want
sloppy seconds.

I mean,
company should go first.



That is so hot.
[nervous chuckle]

Oh, Kyle, eat me out already.
The boy wants to see
how it's done.

Please don't make me!
Please don't make me!


[lips smacking]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. That's it.

You can do it.
Make Mama proud.

My God, it's like
the little homo that could.

Do you wanna
try now, please?

[Kyle gulps]

Where are you going?

Well, that certainly didn't
taste like sugar and spice.

What's going on?

It's my pussy.
My pussy scared him away!

You little ex-gay sluts!

Oh, my God!

Can we come in,
or were you in
the middle of dinner?

What are you doing here?

We're not eating pussy.
What are the three of you doing?


Kyle was showing Troy
the art of cunnilingus.

And he was doing
an admirable job.

Yeah, for a gay guy.

Yeah, I know. Everything.
And you guys will do
anything to get laid.

I ate pussy for nothing?

You deserved it.

It wasn't that bad.

I'm sorry.
I'm horrible.

We're all horrible.

If it's any consolation,
it wasn't just about the sex.

We really liked you.
Working out with you.

Watching the game.
Drawing you.

Well, it doesn't matter now.
You think he's gonna wanna
have anything to do with us?

Now, what the fucked-up
thing is, even though
you lied to me

and to each other
and to people
you don't even know,

I like you...liars.

We like you, too.
Yeah, you're so cool.

And I'm sorry.
I know I kind of led y'all on
with the whole confused thing.

Yeah, so, come on. You've
sucked dick and eaten pussy.
Which is it?

Well, that's what's been
tripping me up all these years.

I thought it had to be
one or the other.

After sampling both,
I've come to a conclusion.


[all together]
There's no such thing!

Says who?
Uh, the laws of nature.

It's like horses
fucking gerbils.

Well, then,
I'm a freak of nature,
and I'm proud of it.

Good. Be proud, bi-boy.

I wish you'd been proud
when we met.

Yeah, I guess that's hard
when people like you

and Jacob Buchanan tell him
how bad it is to be gay.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I should've helped you
instead of trying
to take advantage

of you not knowing
what you were.

So, what do we do now?

We're gonna stop
people like me.

No one should take advantage
of confused queer kids.

And the sooner we help them
see past what it is
they don't like in themselves

so they can see all the great
things right in front of them,

the better.

He's a homo who fucks things up
for other homos.
I don't know if that's--

Octavio, if people
like him weren't around,
everyone would come out.

You would get laid like that.
[snaps fingers]

I take your point.

I'll do it.
And then we make love.

Stop the spread
of faggotry.

Wake up and smell the patchouli.
You're a dyke.

I'm being recruited!

Convince me
you didn't like that.
Do your best.

Look, I'm not gonna
embrace who I am

just because
it's obvious, okay?

Everyone's so cool
with being gay.

"Will and Grace this,
Clay Aiken that."

Well, I'm not
gonna be labeled.

You're not convincing me.

Okay, I'm gay.
Now shut up and kiss me.

I'm not gay.
Then what do you want?

I want us to make art.

That is

God, you are a lesbian.


What are you doing here?

What's wrong?

No. What? I've never
seen you this upset.


I was at the beauty shop,

and I was looking
through a magazine,

and I saw that the Oscars
are coming up.

Well, I thought,
who am I gonna watch
the Oscars with?

And then that Britney Aguilera
song came on.

You know, that one about
you're beautiful,
even if you're ugly and gay?

And I thought,
who is gonna play me
this shitty music?

And who is gonna
take me dancing
when I've had a bad date?

Oh, Mom, come on.
Oh, no, you stop.

You're gonna get married
and have kids,
for Christ's sake.

I'm gonna visit
with my girlfriend,

and all we're gonna talk about
is our grandchildren.

And that is so boring!

And, Kyle,

you have never
been boring,

and that is
because you're gay.

You're a fag,

and I want
my little faggot back!

Mom, he is back.


[tape ripping]

Did my vagina
scare you away?

The other night.
You ran away the second
you saw my vagina.

Don't be crazy.
I think you have
a very sexy vagina.

Well, you sure know how
to charm a girl.

[tape ripping]

This port-a-potty's
ready to roll.

Stop the spread of faggotry.
I got his precious BlackBerry.
We have five minutes.

All right.
Now, do what you gotta do,
but be quick about it.

[Octavio on phone]
Cool. It shouldn't take more
than a couple of minutes.


So, you wanna--

Got it.

Perfect. Now get your ass
at the parking lot, pronto.

This is turning me on.
Stop the spread
of faggotry.

Octavio, aren't you going
to the big presentation?

Oh, yeah.
But it's not till 1:00.

It's in five minutes.

It's at 1:00.
Check your schedule.

Oh. I could've sworn
it was...

So, it looks like you
have some time to kill, huh?

Well, you know,
there's plenty of work
to be done.

Oh, that's...too bad.

Hi. Are you here
for Coming In?

Yes, we are.
Where's Jacob?

I'm Linda, his mother.
Oh, Mrs. Buchanan,
so nice to meet you.

I'm Kyle, one of Jacob's
right-hand men.

He's running a little late,
but he did say to go ahead
and start without him.

Huh. Jacob's never
mentioned you.

Oh, well, that's probably
because he's been so busy

talking about all the girls
he's been dating, huh?



No kissing.

You like it nasty, huh?



Today, I am proud to present

the fruits of my son's labor.

But more than that,

I am excited
to see the swelling

of Coming In.

As the homosexual threat

seems to be swelling

it is people
like my son Jacob

who continues
to thrust our crusade
into the spotlight.

Oh, yes.
I have wanted this

for so long.

Shh. Shh.
No. I want to be loud.

It's dangerous.
It's hot.

Open this. And shut up.

Jacob has always been
a beacon of light.

When he came to me
as a teenager and told me
of his inner demons,

I knew we could destroy them
with loving support

and a strong fist.

Oh, you're gonna
split me in two,
aren't you?

[moans, grunts]

And we have!

Today, Jacob dates girls!
And he likes dating girls.

Jacob proves
that if you can fight it,
you can hide it.

And if you can hide it,
you can bury it!

Thank you.

[Jacob moans]

[no audible dialogue]

What was that?
That was me.

Oh, God, it was?

Oh, God, it is you!

In keeping with the themes
that you've mentioned, Linda,
we've commissioned

local artist Gwen Anderson
and Coming In member
Violet Muffdaver

to portray the revolting
and immoral acts
of homosexuality

in a new and compelling
campaign, which we'd like
to present to you now.


[Jacob, Octavio moaning]

[moaning continues]
[squeaking continues]

Members of the student press,

and those who want to be,

we present Coming In's
newest ad campaign.

[all gasp]

"Gay sex sucks."
[Guests murmuring]

Oh, God! Oh, baby!

absolutely revolting!

Where is Jacob?

Oh, baby, I'm so close.

Where is my son?
[Jacob yelling]

I'm going to find Jacob,

and when he's through
with you...
[Jacob] Oh, God! Oh!

Oh, baby! So close!
So close!

[moaning loudly]
Oh, baby!

So close! So close!
[moaning continues]


Oh, I'm coming!

[all gasp]

[Guests murmuring]

[Man whispers]
That's Jacob!




Get this off of me.


Yep, he's gay.

And zip up, Jacob.

Gwen, I was wondering
if I could maybe
model for you sometime.

Me, too.

[both chuckle]

I didn't know outing someone
could be so much fun.

This is who I am...
[continues, indistinct]

Listen, Tiffani, uh,

I don't know
how you feel about
the whole...bisexual thing.

Well, I let my ex-boyfriend's
gay roommate go down on me.

I'm a pretty open person.
Yeah, well,

you know how you and Kyle
were pretending to have
an arrangement?

You mean the three-ways?


Um, how would you feel

if you really had that
with me?

Because...I'd be honored
to be your boyfriend.

No one's ever said that
to me before.

You know, you went above
and beyond the call of duty.

No. That was hot.

And now I think it's time
for you to repay me
for my services.

Oh, Octavio,
I don't think--
I won't take no for an answer.


Well, that was easy.
I'm out of here.

You come back here,
and you talk...
No. You know what, Mom?

I'm glad you caught me.

I'm gay,
and Octavio...

[corrects pronunciation]

Well, he's my lover.

[Guests gasping, murmuring]

Well, we're off for a fuck.
Seems like everybody is.

Just do me one favor.

Lead him to the clit.
Oh, honey,

from the waist down,
it's all clit.

That's how I do it.

You know what?
These lies I get us into

really have a way
of working out.

Yeah. Perfect.

Remember how when you and Marc
were fighting over Troy,

you tapped into
some unknown confidence
none of us knew you had?


Use it.

[footsteps approaching]

So, the plan worked.

Everyone seems
to be happy.

So, Octavio, huh?

Oh, please.
There's nothing there.

Just a friend
I had sex with once.

Looks like you went out
and made some hot friends.

Yeah. I got more social.

It does
make you jealous.


When Troy left last night,
I knew where he was going.

The same place I used to go
when I had a problem
I needed to talk about.

I got jealous.


do you think that
you can find it in your heart
to love somebody

who pretended to be straight
just to get laid?

I don't know.

Can you love someone
who flirted with
way too many guys

while he was
your boyfriend?

Can you love somebody
whose last sexual act
involved eating pussy?

Can you love someone who--

Wait. Being a flirt
was my only flaw, right?

I don't know.
I lost count.

You brushed your teeth,

Does that turn you on
as much as I think it does?


But that doesn't mean
I'm not open to new experiences.

Come here.

Better than boys?


Different rocks.

? [pop rock]

? You say that you're in

? You say that you're out

? So now that it's clear

? Then there really is
no doubt ?

? It's only half the story

? You say that you'll leave

? You say that you'll stay

? And so I believe

? Every single word you say

? Is only half the story

? If you're only telling me
half the story ?

? Then I only trust
half of you ?

? If you're only telling me
half the story ?

? Just tell me
which half is true ?

[moaning loudly]

Yes! Yes! Yes!


Did I do good?
Yes, baby, you did good.

All right.
Time for thirds.

? [continues]

? I say I love you

? You say you love me

? It's our fairy tale

? We can make it end happily

? So let's rewrite the story

? If you're only telling me
half the story ?

? Which half are you
gonna stick to ?

? If you start telling me
all the story ?

? I'll start a new story
with you ?

? If you're only telling me
half the story ?

? Then I only trust
half of you ?

? If you're only telling me
half the story ?

? Just tell me
which half is true ?

? If you're only telling me
half the story ?

? Which half are you
gonna stick to ?

? If you start telling me
all the story ?

? I'll start a new story
with you ?

? [ends]

? You make it better

? When we are together

? Yeah, you make it better

? Every day

? You make it better

? When we are together

? Yeah, you make it better

? Every day

Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

I am gay.