Eating Out (2004) - full transcript

Coming!

Who is it?

Phone service ma'am.

Phone service ma'am.

Hi.

Howdy ma'am.

The phone. it's in my

boudoir.

it works fine ma'am.

Does it?

You didn't call me for the
phone.



I did.

Where do you think you're
going?

Maybe this isn't such a good
idea.

You called me for a reason.

Okay...

I thought you were cute.

You like that, huh.

Please.

Hold still.

Please...

stop, this isn't funny.

it's not funny to call in fake
phone trouble and waste my time.

You're scaring me.

Damn right, bitch.



Stop!

I have a stun gun in here!

Go for it.

Did you come?

No...

did you?

No, I was faking it for you.

I was faking it for you!

Jesus Christ, I thought you
were-

I thought You were coming.

I'm sorry Tiffani, i-

I can't get into it with you
Caleb, You didn't even

grab my titties.

it didn't occur to me.

My titties didn't occur to
you?

Look at them Caleb.

They occur to every man i
meet.

But not you!

I don't think this is working.

I can be meaner.

I need a little shake en' bake
in my iife.

I need to feel...

dirty.

Filthy.

You're so...

S.u.V.

Double coupons.

Family fun.

I'll break stuff next time.

Caleb, it's over.

Tiffani...

Good-bye.

I waited twenty-four days to
have sex with you.

Well

I didn't want to seem like a
slut.

Tiffani...

Caleb?

Leave. I gotta jetta.

My belt?

Fucking bitch!

I'm still not buying it.

Give me another chance.

I am not...

a slot machine.

Goodbye Caleb.

You're a...

decent boy.

Nice ass.

Heterosexuals are a fucked
up species.

Twenty-four days!

And then one week of not
raping her mean enough

and then I get shut out!

Almost like a computer man.

You do every little thing right.

and then wham

sad face fatal error

3801!

For us, sex on the first date
is a given.

You figure out hardware
mismatches

and move on.

Oh, well it's just so easy bake

for you.

Most guys don't know when
to

stop moving on.

At least you get laid all the
time.

Hey, it's like 104 days
between dates for me,

because I don't look like you.

Like me?

I am not gonna stroke your
gorgeous,

muscular ego.

So what happened to that
Jason thing?

Justin.

Guys around here are like
day-old donuts,

I mean I eat them because
they're there,

but you don't want to invest
anything in them.

At least you got a whole box
right there.

You don't have to starve.

Caleb, I'm on Friendster,

my life is so Not-Having-Sex
and the City right now.

if oniy I were gay.

Honey,

come out or stay in,

do not Heche me into a
Mariah.

I don't mean literally.

Oh of course, liliterally.

You know what I mean.

You know

it's easier for us to get
chicks too.

Straight girls love gay boys.

I could have any girl I wanted.

Shut the fuck.

Serial killer.

Remember Marcy Brooks?

Shut the fuck! Milkshake
Marcy?

Senior year, right after i
came out,

senior year

she offered to Hoover me.

To see if she could she could
cure me.

But you were a geekazold.

No offense.

Because I'm gay.

Now I really want to be a fag.

You and Ricky Martin both.

Jennifer Seaver.

Jenny the Beaver!? Fire-
crotch?

Shoves her fist in my pants.

Full-on grabs my corndog.

Swearto God I was gonna
puked.

They feel safe with us
because we're not a threat.

Like how they get naked in
front of puppies.

We're just puppies with dicks.

You know, some girls with
their puppies-

let them eat them right out.

Read that in the Kinsey
report.

My spec-i-a-lity.

What I woulda done with the
Beav.

impregnated her.

Got a shit job.

Sounds real hot.

She's not even your type.

So

you think more girls would go
for me if they thought I was gay.

Stop thinking.

You just look pretty and turn
the letters.

No! But I mean-

Let's get a Sofia Coppoia
things straight here.

Being gay is more

than listening to good music
and eating low fat foods.

There are certain things you
have to do to convince the general public.

Oh. Maybe we could stage a
bashing?

No,

What you need to do is

find the loudest queen on
campus

and smoke his pole.

That would be a wrist stamp
to pussy smorgasbord.

I'm hungry.

I'm not your bitch.

Oh my God!

You pricked it Gwen! You
pricked it!

I can't believe it!

Oh Gwen, I love you!

I love you too, Joey.

Which one do you want?

Oh honey, that one!

Oh, it's so big!

I love you Bunnycakes!

And I love YOu Gingerbutt.

Mongoloid.

Dildo.

Ooh,

where'd you learn that ''big
girl'' word?

Your girlfriend.

Oops,

I mean

ex-girlfriend.

it's my brother, he just got
dumped.

Hard.

Who told you, you little bah-
witch?

I know.

He totally is.

uh, excuse me why don't
you?

Oh okay, why don't I just turn
into gaseous form for a minute.

Smells like you're halfway
there.

Dogs have a heightened sense
of smell.

With with an ass that big, it's
like

spotlights to us.

Those are headlights

and I don't plan on braking.

Keep on pedaling, you're
almost to a busy intersection.

The intersection's only busy
because you're giving half-price blowjobs.

What are the rules to this
game?

I don't know but you just lost,

loser.

Freak.

I'm on the phone.

He won't leave me alone.

Go graze outside.

Stop mooching.

Go back to college and eat
your instant Ramen.

Mom!

Caleb's drinking out of the
milk carton!

Am not!

it's the acidophilus!

Caleb, Honey? You okay?

We heard you got dumped.

You're way hot!

You're accent sexy.

Even homeless people have
accents, Huh?

I don't like to kiss.

You're kidding.

Seriously.

You can play with my nipples
if you want.

Y'know,

kissing is so 1990s.

I think I might be-

Well, I think I might be gay.

Gay?!

Well, a little bit.

I turned another one?

it could be a phase.

Please.

Can you list any tracks on
Madonna's Like a Prayer album?

um, Express Yourself,

Cherish,

Oh Father-

Vogue...

No honey, Vogue was on Dick
Tracy.

it's not a fucking phase,

you're full-fledged homo.

Jesus, what'd I do?!

Well,

didn't you ever suspect
that- I mean

I am a little...

I know what you mean.

We're all just

people.

Just

bodies with

organic needs.

We need satisfaction.

We shouldn't deny our bodies.

Let's not deny our bodies.

Honey, it's not going to work
this time,

I'm pretty gay.

Oh, I was good enough for you
last night you fucking faggot.

You're not being very positive
about this.

I couldn't be any more
positive if

I was gang raped in a
repository bin

at the needle exchange!

All I do is help gays come out.

So who are you fucking?

Well, i

haven't had sex yet.

Hah!

I mean, except with you.

And some other girl.

Get out!

Well, can't we be like, best
friends or something?

I already have a gay best
friend.

Yeah,

Marc.

is he single?

Get out!

it's like I'm on a conveyor
belt.

A little piece of sushI no one
wants.

You lookin' for Mr. Right Now?

Please, I'll settle for Mr. Five
Minutes Ago.

Sorry.

No prob-

-lem.

Joey

just remember!

Every time you suck a dick!

Every time you poke some
boy

in the brown eye!

Just remember that you've...

eaten...

PuSSY!

You ate pussy

and you liked it!

i, i...

You came!

HI Gwen.

Who's your friend?

Oh, Jesus.

Fair thee well

my fairy

fay.

Who was that?

I don't know, he's a newborn.

No, the girl.

Gwen.

She's hot.

Yeah, she's cute.

But a total Meredith Brooks
hit single.

Excuse me.

That her boyfriend?

No, her roommate, Marc,

the love of my life.

He's gay

and I'm invisible.

All her friends gay orwhat?

She's kind of a fag hag.

I hate that term.

'Cause you're one.

Shut up. I am not.

You live with me.

So she's straight though,
right?

Yeah, but she's totally in love
with Marc.

They screwed when he was in
the closet

and she's been trying to
replace him ever since.

Doing a real good job,

she keeps dating fags.

I feel like a turnstile

to the white party.

Why do you keep doing this?

I don't know.

They're time bombs, Gwen.

it doesn't seem worth it.

I met you.

Let's not go there.

You're the best thing that
ever happened to me.

I wanna go home. Marc, take
me home.

I just got here. Let's hang for
a bit.

I'll do a little damage control.

I bet I looked pretty stupid
out there.

Not at all.

Liar.

You did look sorta goofy.

I did?

You ate pussy! You liked it!

Fuck you!

I almost made it with ''British
Guy'' in a broom closet.

But he wouldn't kiss.

Maybe your breath was
penisy.

Can I make you a drink?

Did you want me to make you
a drink?

I'm gorgeous, not helpless.

it's not a sexist thing. I just
thought you might be... You, know stressed out.

Just get the fuck out of my
way.

Sorry.

Thanks hon, wanna mix one
for yourself?

Fuck you.

She just brushed me off-
with a flame-thrower.

She's just like that at first.
You like them butch.

Would you stop being a total
zit and leave me alone.

What's taking so long?

Oh, hI Gwen.

You know this guy?

Yeah, this is Caleb. Caleb,
Gwen.

Sorry Caleb. it's been a night.

Nice to meet you.

Caleb's gay.

You're gay.

uh.

Yeah. He's kinda new.

Oh honey. That's so sweet.
You two together?

Oh no.

Not anymore. We're just
roommates.

Good.

We were never together.

Sorry.

Sometimes I can be a cunt
and a half.

I thought you were a drunk
breeder boy

going forthe chick in despair.

Your shoes had me fooled.

Like I said, he's new.

Gwen.

HI Marc.

Kevin.

Kyle.

Marc, this is Caleb.

Hi.

He's family.

Nice to meet you, Caleb.

I'm sorry, I'm totally drunk.

No you're not. You're
designated driver.

No, I think you're wrong,
Gwen.

I was just meeting Gwen
and...

You new here?

He's my roommate. We
dated.

We didn't date.

Let's away, ourwork's done
here.

Where are you going?

What?

Let's give them some room
to breathe on each other.

I wanted to talk to Marc.

Not a chance with that
around, hon.

So...

You stole my boyfriend!

He's not your boyfriend.

Oh, so now you're gay?

it was your idea.

You knew how I felt about
him!

We're not doing anything.

You're going on a date!

That was his idea.

I've been stalking him for
years. You decide to be gay for one night-

I'm not gay! Why don't you
just tell him you like him?

That would be as futile as
drug testing at the Gay Games.

So you think you're gonna get
Gwen like this?

I don't know. I don't want to
go.

But he lives with her. I'll get
to see her again.

I can just tell her and get this
all sorted out.

Of course there goes any
chance I had with her.

And you live with me, so Marc
will have to come here. This could be parfait.

Go on a few dates with Marc,
the four of us hang.

You come to the sad
realization that you're straight.

You go running to Gwen, Marc
comes running to me.

Genius. I'll be your... goatee.

How do you know they'll do
that? Sounds ''etch-a-sketchy.''

No, it's parfait.

You don't understand human
nature the way I do. I'm a musician.

Who got you that date with
Tiffany?

You hit herwith my car on
purpose?

No that was just dumb luck, i
knew how to take advantage of the situation.

Plus Tiffany lives right next
door to them and seeing you date her neighbor would kill her.

Okay, one date, and we'll see
how it goes from there- but no sex stuff.

Yeah, try to control yourself.

Fuck me or fuck you?

You'll actually wear it for
what, twenty minutes?

Not with this guy.

Because he's Mr. Wonderful,
Mr. Yin up my Yang,

I talked to him for fifteen
minutes and I feel like I've known him my whole life.

I'll be happy if he likes to
kiss.

He's probably a freak.

When he's around, my heart
beats like a trailer park house.

That is so gay. And I mean all
three definitions.

So what are you doing? Eating
out?

Richard's having a b-b-q for
staff in the music department.

And then...?

I dunno,

but try not be here, okay?

Oh, and then you're eating
out.

What if he tries to grab me?

We're not pirates, we just
dress like them... and chase booty.

He'll be just as nervous as
you. So try not to punch him if he makes a move on you or anything.

I don't think I'd punch him. i
think I'd probably just start crying or something.

Aww. You got fagitude.

Well, how do I know if he
wants to do it, is there like a code word or something?

You mean like homolingo? We
talk normally... in English.

I'm a failed role-model.

Do I look gay?

Like an insatiable bottom.

Why did you say that?

Just to fuck with you. it's for
you, Blowmeo.

Hello?

it's me.

HI Tiffani! I was just running
out the door, but- HI Tiffani!

So, I ran into Max today.

How is Max?

Well, he's fine and you're gay.

Oh, that's just-

it explains an awful lot.

I thought maybe I wasn't
attractive enough. But now I see where I stand.

I thought maybe, you know, i
could win you back to ourteam.

Sorry Tiffani, I'm gay now.

How could you do this to me?

Well actually, I think you did it
to me.

I think you turned me gay.

I did not turn you gay! How
can you say that?!

I mean don't take it
personally.

I am a person! How else am i
supposed to take it?

Bastard! uhhhhhh.

Fag! Fag! Fag! Fag!

it's funny, I used to have-
had a friend in this same building.

I'll be like five minutes, okay?

Please, Siegfried and Roy
couldn't tame your hair.

uh, it's OK.

Gwen can keep you company.

I'm used to entertaining your
tricks.

Okay, mute!

She's kidding. I haven't had a
trick in like so long. I mean-

Tricks are for kids.

I mean, I've had dates, it's
just-

Go powder your nose, babe.
The powder that goes on your nose.

Hello, and welcome to the
Gwen Anderson show.

Mind if I couch with you?

Sure.

So, what's your majorette?

Poli-sci.

Oo! Brainy smurf.

I'm not very good at it
though.

Honest. I like you.

Thanks.

Did you bring condoms?

um.

I'm kidding. Relax. You look so
tense.

How's that?

it's nice.

When you guys get home
try not to make too much noise.

I have to tutor in the
morning.

I don't think you need to
worry about-

Kidding again. I don't tutor.
Make all the noise you want.

This girl upstairs has all
makes them pretend to rape her.

She screams and throws
things. it really freaked me out.

I called the cops the first
couple of times.

Oh. Huh. it probably isn't
different guys.

it's probably just the same
just different roles.

Oh no, it's different guys.

Sometimes there's like three
and they do this whole gang bang routine.

She's all ''No! You're doing me
all at once!''

Sick, huh? But you know, to
each her own.

My parents think I'm nuts for
chasing gay boys.

Maybe they'd lighten up if i
into orgyastic splendor.

You know, two guys, one
orifice. They call it double dicking.

That's pretty weird.

So...Caleb.

Before you started to go girl,

did you ever go girl?

Oh, no. I mean, just the
thought of it is-

Ooh! Defensive. Like not even
before you came out?

No.

Okay, so sue me, but I have
to say it.

if you've nevertricked with a
are you sure you pick dick?

Well, um. I've never done it
uh, you know, gay.

My god you're a virgin?
A virgin homosexual? Lemme touch you!

What about Kyle?

Oh, we never...

Thank god, you just don't look
right together.

A virgin.

You're so cute.

How did you make it past 18.

I would have thought some
plucked you from the chicken coop a long time ago.

Well Marc is very gentle. He
You've got nothing to worry about.

Okay.

Caleb, honey.

if you've never had a boy or a
maybe you should try the normal thing first.

I mean why stray down a path
isolation when happiness might be right here.

Ever even been curious about
kissing a girl. A little maybe?

um, Gwen?

Yes?

We need to talk.

Talk to me.

Am I interrupting?

Okay, I tried everything. Total
fag. He's all yours.

She tries that on everyone-
not that there's a lot of guys...

You ready?

Sure, whatever.

Play with the safety on, boys.

Always do, Mother.

Would you boys do me a
favor? it would so turn me on.

What's that?

Kiss. I think two guys kissing
is so hot.

Not in front of you.

Oh, please?!

We haven't even done it in
I mean we don't even know if we're going there!

Think of it as an icebreaker.
Caleb? Please? For me?

um, only if it's okay with
Marc.

Oh, it's okay.

Well great!

Great.

Great.

Please, how's a girl supposed
I kissed my grandma like that in her coffin.

Gwen, if he doesn't want-

Wow. That's a way to start a
date.

How was that?

it was great.

it was a start.

Goodbye, Gwen.

Oh, uh bye Gwen.

Bye...

Sexual.

Sorry about all that. That's
just Gwen.

Oh, I totally dig her. She's
great.

Seems like every time I find
it's a girl. Straight boys must have it so easy.

I wouidn't say that.

Oh come on, perfect girls are
everywhere. it's cruel.

I'm sorry, am I making you
nervous?

Not at all.

I'm making you nervous.

No, it's okay.

So, I gotta warn you. They're
all music-types at this party.

Classical musicians. A little
offbeat.

That means crazy.

Yeah.

You like classical?

Hello! Sweetheart! Oo! Who is
this?

Caleb, this is Richard. And his
wife Miko.

And so the program spelled
Beethoven- B-E-A-T...

So Caleb , what do you do?

um.

He goes to the u.

Wonderful! So how long have
you two been an item?

Ronnie!

Please!

We kinda just met.

That's so sweet! The two of
you look so cute together.

Like a couple ofJudds or
Culkins.

Caleb, have you heard Marc
play?

No.

Well you must. He is the most
this school's had in years.

it's divine. Marc, you have to
play something before you leave.

I thought we were going to do
eight hands two pianos later.

Yes! Richard! Set that up!

Caleb. Why don't you turn
pages for Marc and Winston.

Just turn the page as fast as
you can when I nod.

You'll do fine.

Ready?...

And.

Turn!

Oh!

Sorry.

Turn!

That was so cool, man. You
guys were awesome.

You really had a good time?

it was great! That Ronnie's a
character.

Yeah, I have some weird
friends.

They were fun, though. And
you're great on the piano.

Well, I'm also a flautist.

Just eat less beans.

Have you seen this one?

I don't think so.

it's really good.

Your next appointment?

Yeah?

What're you guys doing?

it's just Kyle.

He asked about me?!

No.

Has he mentioned me?

No. What do you want?

Well, what're you guys doing?

Renting videos.

What?!

I can't believe you're going
along with this.

This is sick.

I'm in a video store. I can't
really talk.

Pronto?

Hey.

I'm at Debbie Milford's. Am i
hang over night here?

Renting a video is code for
having sex.

You're paranoid.

Renting a video?

So I am staying the night.

Gwen, he's so cute.

What else is gonna happen?
Two gay men

sitting on a couch,

boring movie,

raging hard-ons. it's the code
you rent a video, you get laid.

Dude, you said there was no
such thing as Gayspeak.

Well I was wrong. Do not go
home with him.

Gwen's gonna be there.

Only if she's a bad fag hag.

Gwen honey, yourturn.

Just a second.

Take yourtime sweetie.

We have all night long.

Caleb, this is so not cool.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Plus, I can tell Gwen's into
me. it's working.

Of course she's into you.
You're gay.

Shut the fuck up.

God, Gwen he is so... unh.

Well sweetie, if you don't
please-please-please call me so I can come home.

Okay.

Swear on your Simon Rex
jackoff video?

No fair!

Look, don't you get bi-curious
now.

if she's not home, I outta
there.

Keep your hands off my man.

I'm hanging up.

Okay, he's getting off.

So.

You seen

any of these?

Gwen?

Gwen?

Hmm.

I thought she'd be back.

Well, at least we got the
place to ourselves.

Go ahead, make yourseif at
home.

And when I say that I mean
and roll around on the floor.

Gwen?

Trust me, if she was here,

she'd be all up in our pubes.

So.

Video?

Huh?

You know, that thing we
rented.

Oh yeah.

We could watch it.

Yeah.

Or...

Or?

Orwe could not watch it.

Oh.

it's up to you. I'm cool either
way.

Oh, sorry.

That was really good.

Yeah.

So.

Gwen's still not back.

She usually is by now.

it's getting late.

Yeah, I'm getting tired too.

I should probably...

Yeah.

Hello?

You answered? You fuck!

Gwen!

What's going on?

Cause if you were fucking you
wouldn't be answering.

And if you're not fucking, you
telling me I can fucking come home.

Yeah, Caleb's here. We just
watched a video.

You actually watched it?

Look, Debbie had one her
so they put me in her dead Grandma's room.

it's really creepy in here.

We thought you'd be back by
now.

Ha. Fucking. Ha.

I'm dying la muerta loca here.

Yeah, maybe he can stay and
we can all three hang out some.

So you're that desperate.
Hasn't anyone made a move yet?

Yeah, the movie was great.

Oh God. Marc, let me talk to
him.

What?

Put him on, let me get the
balls rolling.

um.

She wants to talk to you.

Really?

Yeah.

Here he is.

Marc, don't fucking waste
this.

Hello?

HI Caleb.

How was the date?

um. Huh.

Oh, I guess you can't answer,
because he's right there.

Yeah.

Okay,

let's play a game. You wanna
play with me?

Okay. Sure.

I'll try to figure it all out,
while you just say yes or no. Okay?

Yes.

Good start. 01:40:43:28

Hmmm.

Have you done anything?

No.

Are you nervous?

Yes, definitely.

But...are you excited?

I guess.

Very excited?

I dunno.

Hmm.

Could you get very excited?

Yeah.

is this exciting you?

Yes.

I can make you less nervous.

Close your eyes.

Huh?

Come on, just play along.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Closed?

Yes.

Tight?

Yes.

Now lean back,

very

slowly.

Okay.

Do you like my voice?

Yes.

it's comforting, isn't it?

Yes.

I like yours too.

it's sexy.

is mine sexy?

Yes.

You sound really sexy.

Yeah.

Now

just feel your heart pumping
the blood through your body.

I can feel mine.

Can you feel it?

Yes.

Feel it traveling from your
heart.

Through your chest.

up and down your arms and
legs.

in your fingers and toes.

Can you feel it?

Yes.

is it going faster?

Yes.

is it getting warmer?

Yes.

What kind of shirt are you
wearing?

um-

I mean is it a pullover?

No.

Does it button up?

Yes.

Do you want to unbutton it?

Yes.

Open the top button.

Okay.

Keep your eyes closed.

is it open?

Yes.

Are your eyes still closed?

Yes.

I want you to breathe with
me.

Try to match my breathing,
okay?

Okay.

Hey!

Oh! Sorry.

You scared me, man.

Caleb, what's going on?

um, nothing, uh.

Did Marc touch you?

Yes.

Did he hurt you?

No.

Did it feel good.

I don't know, this is
embarrassing, man.

Yes or no. Did it feel good?

I don't know.

Lie down Caleb.

What are you doing?

Do you want me to hang up?

No.

Are you lying down?

Yes.

Eyes closed?

Yes.

it's okay you're a virgin.

I'm not gonna let anything
that you don't want. Okay?

Okay.

You wanna stop you say so,
okay?

Okay.

Do you want me to hang up?

No.

Okay.

Breathe slowly.

Deeply.

Just like before.

is your shirt still open?

Yes.

Ask Marc to massage your
neck.

Go on.

Marc?

uh-huh?

Will you massage my neck?

Please.

Please?

Don't open your eyes now.

I want your entire world to be
only my voice.

Okay.

My voice and his hands.

is he doing it?

Yes.

Does it feel good?

Yes.

He use to do that to me.

it feals real good.

Yes.

Keep breathing like me.

Do you like hearing my
breathing?

Yes.

it's kinky, isn't it?

Yes.

Are you turned on?

Yes.

I am so turned on.

Do you mind?

No.

Do you want me to stay on
the phone?

Yes.

Are you hard?

Yes.

Oh!

What's he doing?

Kissing my neck.

Does it feel good?

Yes.

is his mouth warm?

Yes.

Tell him to unbutton your
shirt.

unbutton my shirt.

Please.

Please.

is he doing it?

Does it feel good?

Yes.

Caleb.

Yes?

Are you still excited?

Yes.

What's he doing to you?

He's licking my stomach.

Does it turn you on?

Yes.

Tell him to unbutton your
pants.

But...

You're having fun, aren't
you?

Yes.

Do you want to lose your
virginity with me?

Yeah.

You're raging hard, aren't
you.

Yes.

A nice wet mouth

would feel so good right now,
wouldn't it.

Yes.

Then tell him to unbutton
your pants.

unbutton my pants...

please.

Please.

Okay, Caleb

I really wanna make you feel
good.

Do you want to feel good?

Yes.

Say it.

I wanna feel good.

Beg for it.

Make me feel good.

Please.

Oh!

What's he doing?

His mouth-

is he sucking you off?

Yes.

You like that?

Yes.

Does it feel good?

Yes.

Do you want him to stop?

No.

Do you wanna come?

Yes- Oh my god!

Oh fuck. Jesus.

Do you want me to come?

Yes.

I'm gonna come.

Yes.

I'm gonna come!

Ah!

Fuck.

Let me get you a towel.

So how was your first time?

Fuck.

I don't even know.

Did it

weird you out to have a girl
on the phone.

Not at all.

You're kinky.

I like you.

I like you too. You're dirty.

I'm filthy.

Where's Marc?

Ah...

Getting a towel.

Did he come?

I don't know.

Well,

it's safe for me to come
home now anyhow.

I'll be there soon.

Oh, okay.

Buh-bye.

Here.

Thanks.

You mind if I get off?

Huh?

I can take care of myself.

You just sit there.

So, Gwen said she's on her
way.

I like your TV set up. it's
pretty

hi-tech and stuff.

Thanks.

I didn't do anything.

You did good.

You want this?

Oh I don't normally...

What?

Make that much.

I should go.

Yeah. Sure. Thanks.

You're welcome.

I'll call you.

Yeah! Call me.

Drive safe.

Yeah, you too.

Wish I had your cell, I woulda
called instead of stopping.

I'm glad you stopped.

You want my cell?

Abba-solutely.

Let me get mine.

Let's fast forward through
the small talk.

I want to know how it went.

Went?

You just made it with your
first guy!

Aren't you happy?

I'm confused.

Didn't it feel good?

Shit, I was too pushy.

Honey, Marc's a good guy.

The best. You're in good
hands.

it's just too much-

Too soon?

No, not that, I don't know.

We're all just people.

Just bodies with organic
needs.

We need satisfaction. We
shouldn't deny our bodies.

Are you turned on?

No, that's just my-

You're still turned on.

You've had a boner since you
left Marc?

No!

Don't be embarrassed. That's
how it is the first time you do it,

you just wanna do it again.

You mind me doing this?

No.

How about this?

Don't you think we should, uh,
I mean we're in public.

I think it's sexy you're
worried about Marc,

but it seems to me that Marc
didn't do his job.

Calm down.

it's fine, I'm just-

Suck that.

And don't give me any
strictly gay shit.

Who needs friends that won't
fuck friends?

Eat it little gay boy!

Yeah! Whoa!

That's your perineum.

You are such a fag.

Why, you back so late?

Can we talk about this in the
morning?

Caleb! Fuckin-A, what
happened? Did you do it with Gwen?

Sort of.

Well, did you talk about me?

Caleb?

Hello?

Good morning!

Wait forthe beep and tell me
something I don't know.

This is for Caleb.

You're probably sleeping. i
I had a great time last night.

Really.

So I just wanted to call,

ecause lots of guys have a
thing about calling,

where you don't call, and
and see who calls first.

And well, I didn't wanna.

Geeze, I sound really stupid.

Anyway, call me. Mwah.

Okay bye.

What the fuck?

Shit.

Kyle, I'm sorry.

Fuck you!

it's not what you think.

Hello?

Oh shit. it's Marc.

I'm sorry, did I wake you?

No. I just got your message.

God, I feel like a stalker.

I just realized I didn't leave
thought I'd call leave it on your machine.

I didn't think you'd answer.

No, that's fine.

Well, it's nice to talk to you
anyhow.

I'm sorry, were you busy?

No. Just... recovering.

You must be one fuck of a
fuck.

That was him.

Marc's the asshole type.

He normally fucks and moves
on. But I guess with you.

I mean who wouidn't want
to...

keep you around.

How could you fuckin do this
to me?

That's not fair. it's not like
you guys even-

You don't even know, do you?

You're so stupid.

Well, I invited them over for
dinner.

Here?

Great

you guys can just make out in
front of me.

Wanna screw in my bed?

I invited Gwen too.

We're all gonna sit down and
tell the truth.

And just. Just...

Just what?

Huh?

Things are so simple in your
aren't they?

Well, Caleb, it doesn't work
that way.

Things are a lot more
complicated than just sitting around

telling people how you really
feel.

I'm trying to fix things here.
Okay?

You're doing a Fabio job so
far.

Just say you'll come to
dinner.

Okay?

Fine!

I'll be there with balls on.

You're not planning on
cooking, are you?

Well, I wasn't gonna ask, but
since you brought it up.

Fine! I'll cook.

I'm not that stupid.

I do know.

if I were gay. Even a little.

it'd be you.

Alright, I won't go.

He wants you to. it's like he's
Tell him I have consumption.

I shouldn'ta done that last
night.

it was hot.

it was fucked up.

You should've seen him,

he flew out of here like a
seminal Meatloaf album.

He seemed to like it on the
phone.

That's what's so fucked up
about it.

Are you jealous?

No.

You're jealous!

I am not.

This is so great!

it's finally the otherway
around.

Do you know how many boys
just to get to you?

Shut up.

You're scared I could convert
him.

Maybe I just will.

I need to practice.

I'll take that

as a challenge.

I can't hear you, babe.

I know something you don't
know.

What the hell are you
making?

Sausages.

Big fat sausages.

Dude, people don't eat
sausages.

You're supposed to make
spaghettI or some shit.

Fine, you wanna cook?

No. I mean.

I never seen you make
sausages.

Well I'm trying something
new.

You're making too much.

I invited some over friends
too. Go get the door.

This isn't a kegger, bro. This
Who'd you invite?

Like they said to Anne Frank:
the door and find out?

Oh, it's you guys.

I brought this for you.

Cool. it's yellow.

And some wine.

Awesome. All we got is beer.

Cool.

This is the part where you
invite us in.

Oh geeze, come in. Kyle's in
the kitchen.

Honey, this is how you do it.

Ha. Ha.

Funny. I get it.

So. Caleb. Marc thinks...

Hello Gwen.

Marc.

Did You offerthem
beverages?

Oh! Yeah, you guys want
some?

I'll pour us some drinks.

You show me where the
glasses are.

So, what do you think?

Oh.

I think.

I think you're a really nice
guy.

That's all.

Thanks.

I gotta go to the head.

We need to talk.

Dude!

I wasn't being honest.

I gotta talk about it now, or i
wont-

I'm takin' a leak.

Please, I've seen it.

How you doin'?

My god. What are those?

Dinner.

is this some kind of ethnic
thing?

Marc,

I think you're really cool...

But?

But...

is there something with you
and Kyle?

No. it's definitely not that.

Oh shit.

Don't say anything, okay?

What's wrong.

HI Mom. Dad. Jamie.

Oh. This is Marc.

Marc, my family. I was just
flusher-thing. it was broken.

The bobbing thing. it has to
stay on top.

it's called a ballcock.

Well.

Nice to meet you, Marc.

Are you gay?

That's rude.

Oh please. I don't mind.

Kyle, I think you need my help
in the kitchen.

Be right back.

I'm gonna circumcise your
neck.

I know this looks fucked up.

You're gonna look fucked up.

We can't do it yourway. We
can't just tell them.

They won't give either of us
I have just as much at stake here.

Kyle, those are my fucking
parents.

This my life, you know. My
real life.

Calm down. Trust me, okay?

Gwen? Marc? Come in for a
sec?

Well.

That's us.

Okay, what's the Kim Deal?

Caleb's not out to his
parents, yet.

No shit.

Of course they don't know.

Should we leave?

No, that'd look too weird.

No, I got it worked out.

Gwen,

just pretend you're here with
Caleb.

And Marc can be, uh, my
date.

What?

ust for dinner.

Then they leave and we're
back to normal-

Everything cool in there
dudes?

Very cool Mrs. Peterson!

Now you

sit next to Caleb.

And Marc,

with moi.

Oh! I get it.

Well if you need anything!

Let's go meet Mr. and Mrs.
Roper.

Peterson.

Those were very interesting
sausages, Kyle.

What flavor exactly is white
jello?

Well it's just the way the-

You know what it iooks like, it
looks like-

So when did you meet this
lovely young lady?

At a party last week.

Right afterthe Tiffani
ordeal?

Who's Tiffani?

''Beard.''

You never mentioned Tiffani.

TiffanI was a bitch.

I liked her.

She was cute.

How did you meet, was it
across a crowded room?

Well, she was screaming, and
I saw her.

Screaming?

I was so surprised he wasn't
gay.

You must get that all the
time, hon.

I mean living with Kyle...

and your haircut.

So, Marc, when did you meet
Kyle?

I hope we're not being too
personal,

but Kyle's like a second son
to us.

Or daughter.

it's a small world young
lady...

...I know, celebrate our
diversity.

We met at the same party.

What's this music?

it's really good.

I don't know, it's Kyle's shit.

Oh.

Who is this, Kyle?

it's mine.

But it's just my old stuff.

My new stuff's better.

Kyle's a composer.

Didn't he mention it?

uh, no. He hasn't mentioned
much.

sn't his work just beautiful?

Yeah, it's nice.

You in the music school?

Yeah.

I never noticed you around.

You're classical, I'm jazz.

You know how they are.

Yeah.

This is really good.

it's always nice to know
what's going in your lives, boys,

but isn't it a little early to be
meeting the parents?

I mean, you hardly seem to
know each other.

I just thought this would be
nice. All of us together.

One big family.

Betterthan Springer.

is there something you want
to tell us?

We're here for you, son.

Just wanted to have dinner.
No interior motive.

ulterior.

I knew that.

Shit. Now who?

I didn't invite anyone else.
Honest.

I hear you have phone
trouble, Miss Thing.

That's Mister Miss Thing to
you.

Tiffani?

You little hose huffer!

Why don't you come join us?

Gomez, Morticia and little
Wednesday.

I'm sure this is awkward for
Gwen.

I don't mind, I wanna see this.

You know,

you guys seem really nice.

Oh my God, Gwen, don't.

Caleb, honey, I'm gonna do
you a really big favor.

Oh shit.

You'll hate me now, but you'll
love me later.

Gwen, please.

Shit.

Mr. and Mrs. Peterson,

your son is gay.

Fag. You're it.

I turned him gay. I can turn
him back!

Please with that word!

Caleb and Marc are
boyfriends

and I'm just Marc's
roommate.

You're a reality show without
a camera crew.

We're not boyfriends yet,
we've been on one date.

I told you.

Son.

How did we manifest our
homophobia?

it must have been horrible
living with us.

Straight this, straight that.

I'm sorry. You needed all of
this to face us.

I'll calling Tammy at PFLOG
first thing.

We'll go to meetings.

Jamie, hon, is there
something you wanted to tell us?

Well, I don't think I'm a lesbo.

I experimented once.

Son,

give me a hug.

Caleb.

Hug your father.

You are still my son and l love
you.

This is so beautiful.

Barf. You should see them on
anniversaries.

I love you, Caleb.

I love you too, Mom.

I love you, Dad.

C'mon, family hug.

Love ya gay bro.

Come on,

I said family hug. You're all
family here.

Well, come on!

Oh, what the fuck!

But, I'm mad.

I am so proud of you son.

You take good care of my
boy.

Yes sir, Mr. Peterson.

I bet he will.

I bet he will too.

No offense Kyle, next time
we're eating out.

C'mon hon, let's go.

Do you think I'm stupid?

No.

Not you, hon.

Kyle, I know what's going on.
You're acting like a baby.

I didn't think-

Well it's time to make a
change in your lifestyle.

Okay babe,

this is one of the reasons i
get called a bitch.

Because I tell it like it is.

Kyle,

reality.

Reality, Kyle.

You are not in Marc's league.

I mean you're not a total K-9,
but you are a K-5.

Gwen, c'moff it.

Marc's not a K at all.

Your chances of ever scoring
with someone like Marc?

Zero. Nothing. El Nacho!

Gwen, stop.

Live with it. Move on.

What? He pulled a dirty fuckin
trick.

That was harsh.

Well, would you?

Would you Marc Everheart
Kyle what's-his-nuts?

Maybe.

She's right. You wouldn't.
Ever.

I would too. You don't know
me.

He's not a nice person. He
was trying to split you guys up.

I blame him and those who
harbor him.

You can't possibly be that
stupid. You don't belong to a frat.

I'm not stupid...

Look, go talk to him? Kyle is a
He's amazing.

Then why aren't you with him.

I would be in a second, but..

But what, I'm listening.

it's complicated.

Christ, now you're talking like
a straight guy.

um.

Oh shit.

You fucking heterosexual liar!

Gwen, I'm sorry, it's...

You pretended to be gay, had
came out to your parents, just so you could fuck me!

I guess.

I can't beiieve I let you fuck
me.

You fucked her? You fucked
him?

That is the sweetest thing
anyone has ever done for me.

I'm really sorry, dude.

Hey, some day I'll look back
it was really hot.

Me too.

Talk to him.

Hey if you hurt him I will
seriously fuck with your shit.

Back at you with her.

Oh please, I'll fuck all you all's
shit.

Go away.

Caleb!

it's me.

Oh.

May i?

Sure. So, I guess Caleb told
you...

Yeah.

I guess he and Gwen are...

Yeah.

OK listen, I don't think I can
Anthony Michael Hall ''let's be friends'' speech.

Good, 'cause I don't know one.

I knew your name was Kyle.

Huh?

At the party. I called you
Kevin, but I knew you were Kyle.

And I knew you were in the
music school.

Why do you do that shit?

I don't know. I guess it's
kinda fucked up.

Damn straight.

Why stop at one?

I do know why I do it, it
sounds stupid.

Why?

To make you want me.

That is stupid.

it's true.

isn't it painfully obvious?

What, by the way you look
paying attention?

Or by the way you always
and not me?

Oh come on. You're too good
You know how the system works.

The system sucks.

I've always loved your music.
I went to your recital.

They told me someone came.

Please tell me you like to
kiss.

Love it.

Okay, so I know I might just
whatever it is, I'll take it.

You are so weird.

Does that turn you on as
much as it does me?

Huh?

I thought so.

I think everybody's gone now.