Eating Miss Campbell (2022) - full transcript
A vegan-goth high school student falls in love with her new English teacher and develops a problematic taste for human flesh.
There are moments in
life, you never truly forget.
Like your first school massacre.
Your first demonic possession...
or your first suicide attempt.
My name is Beth Connor,
and for the past 17 years.
My life has gone straight to video..
Figuratively and literally.
I know what you're thinking.
Teenage suicide is such a cliche in horror.
They say that life is one great big movie.
But no matter what I do, I
can't seem to pick my genre.
I've tried everything.
Self mutilation.
Poisoning.
And even hanging.
And I still end up in another horror movie.
I think the only way to erase
your existence in this genre
is by blowing your fucking brains out!
Well, Bottoms Up for a romantic comedy.
And don't worry. It's vegan milk.
No animals were harmed in
ones self-righteous suicide.
You know, I always imagined
date rape pills tasted like candy.
Not like ass!
I mean, what's the
incentive to even take them?
Well, remember kids, it's
down the road not across the street!
Well, I guess I'm stuck
in another horror movie.
With 30 somethings
portraying high school students.
Nonsensical-violence and
edgy social commentary.
God, I hate low budget movies.
You know, what I wouldn't
give for a happy ending?
And by happy ending, I mean...
Let's shoot this straight to
DVD piece of shit already!
Fuck you!
♪ “S.A.S.S.” by Hands off Gretel ♪
♪ "Do You Dare" by Die So Fluid ♪
I'm sorry, Dad never visits mum.
You know, they say I get my looks from you.
And I'm trying to abide by the mantra: live fast,
die young and leave a good-looking corpse behind.
You know, just like Diana...
The Princess of Wales.
God, please prick my arm with heroin and blow my
fucking brains out like the patron Saint Kurt Cobain
Beth! Beth Conner!
Never mind.
Yoohoo!
Beth!
Fucksake I'm coming!
Beth! Sport! We got here just in the
nick of time. You forgot your packed-lunch!
So you followed me all
the way from our house?
And another nutritious lunch,
I'm sure! I'm vegan, remember!
And let's not forget, your
18th birthday is next week.
I'd hate to break it to you, but you are a
lousy stepmom substitute... Frankie Sullivan.
Beth Conner. We've been through this.
Mommy Conner is dead and buried
#nostalgia is cancer!
#don't make me stick those 17 characters up your...
- Ladies!
Beth, please.
Take your lunch.
Must we ask twice?
I don't know Dad? How about we grab a couple
of shovels and get a fourth opinion!?
Have a splendid day at school, sport!
♪ “DTH FLG” by The Black Halos ♪
Well, welcome to purgatory...
Every student deserves to experience a school
massacre, at least once in their lives.
It's a right of passage. Why
deny them of their God-given right?
I didn't ask you Nancy, I asked him!
TUSK!
Let's talk about the
tragedies of 1999, shall we?
NATO bombed Yugoslavia, Clinton was acquitted
in the senate, Family Guy premiered on FOX...
and, Henenlotter High experienced
it's first school massacre.
Resulting in loss of revenue and the
closure of this very academic institution.
Meanwhile back in America.
We not only survived, but
thrived. Making Columbine...
A household name.
Look at it this way! The school board no
longer has to worry about - lack of funding!
On-demand streaming channels will pay a handsome
seven figures for an .. 'academic faux-pas'
Like, I don't know!?
Gee-wizz. A school shooting!?
And of course before any student gets trigger happy at our proposal, we of
course need to make sure all the correct sponsorship and marketing are in place.
After all, controversy creates cash.
Mark my words Everbone, I'll do
everything and anything in my power
to prevent another tragedy
happening here at Henenlotter High.
Why don't we introduce the brand spanking
new headmaster of Henenlotter High?
A new headmaster!?
Remember the "Reams for Less Massacre"!?
When Henenlotter High alum Peltzer Arbuckle summoned his
imaginary friend Ronnie to shoot up the school, back in 1999?
The British school board did nothing.
And then 15 years later. The duo returned
to assassinate a stationary company in
the infamously-titled
"Reams for Less Massacre".
And still, the people of
Henenlotter did nothing.
Except for one.
Marcus, Henenlotter High has hired the one American
who put a stop to that Drop-dead-Fred bullshit.
Please, everyone, welcome the
new headmaster of Henenlotter High!
Allow me to re-introduce myself...
My name is Mr Sawyer.
And Marcus, I hear you're the best.
In fact, I hear that
you're the best... by par!
I am having so much fun!
Students!
Greetings and salutations Beth Conner!
Tell me, do goth vegans masturbate
with cucumbers or crucifixes these days?
Give me a fucking break
Mr Auteur Filmmaker.
The power of the pickle compels you!
That's Ethan Rembrandt,
Henenlotter High's resident date rapist.
And the brother of the late
narcissistic dickhead Stiles Rembrandt.
And you know what they say?
Like brother, like date rapist!
Everyone knows the token goth girl is a
school massacre cliche waiting to happen!
All you need is a trench
coat, and hey presto!
You could be the premature
love child of Harris and Klebold!
Why subvert the expectation?
Trench coats are so 1999.
Didn't you get the memo?
#nostalgia is cancer.
Anyway, please allow me to introduce...
Please give a warm welcome, and
put your hands together for Mr Sawyer!
Wahhh!
Woah!! Yes, sir.
Ooh.. Thank you so
much for that introduction.
Come on people, give it up
for Clyde, my number one guy!
Yes, sir!
Good morning Henenlotter Hamsters…
Now I'd like to speak to you
all regarding a very, very...
controversial subject.
Now...
No, you didn't.
FUCK!
Fucker, Fucker, Motherfucker!
Well, that's one way to deal with unruly
students dressed up as former presidents.
And let us return to the American precept that every
individual is accountable for his own actions.
I love it when you quote Ronnie
Reagan. It makes me so moist...
Naturally.
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
WHOOPSIE FUCKING DAISY!
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
Now, my home country has a long
and rich history of school massacres...
We know a thing about a thing or two.
So I thought. Why not bring a slice
of Americana here to the British isles.
That's right folks!
We here at Henenlotter
High will host the very first.
ALL YOU CAN EAT MASSACRE!
What's wrong, Ethan?
Ran out of potential victims so you have
to lower your standards for the goth girl.
But Beth... it's the All
You Can Eat Massacre!
Ooh!
No no no no no.
Take a look, in wonder, Deetz Montgomery.
My love, my life, my everything.
WOOF!
- Okay, we need to talk about Deetz Montgomery.
School secretary by day...
And nymphomaniac
banjo-snapping mega bitch by night.
Not to mention, the significant other of our
brand spanking new headmaster Mr Sawyer.
And whilst Mr Sawyer
only has eyes for Deetz.
Deetz has eyes for that dickhead
sitting behind me, Ethan Rembrandt.
And together, Deetz and Ethan became Henenlotter's
answer to Gislane Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein.
Grooming and sodomizing vulnerable
students in exchange for top grades.
Whilst Deetz and Ethan live out their sordid
fantasies, unbeknownst to poor Mr Sawyer.
Poetic and fucked up, right!?
Now at the inaugural All
You Can Eat Massacre.
Sweet suicide.
Imagine blowing your fucking
brains out with that thing?
God it's beautiful..
Students will have the option to
binge and purge as they see fit.
So the winner either gets
the chance to commit suicide, blah!
Or shoot up Henenlotter High!
Kinda like pro choice!
Or pro death!
Prolapse!
And now to paraphrase
Big Willy Shakespeare:
"To kill yourself, or to
kill your classmates!?
That is the motherfucking question!"
And now an instructional
video from Dr. Samuel Weil...
Kill the lights!
Alec Baldwin... nrrrgh!
Wasn't that riveting!?
Very riveting! Very riveting!
Now, I would like to introduce you to
the new English teacher, Miss Campbell.
A fellow American, so give it up!
Thank you, Mr Sawyer for
that eloquent introduction.
Today is a new beginning
for us here at Henenlotter High.
So remember, be kind to each other...
Or I'll kill ya!
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pewwww!
Tough crowd.
Alfred Packer also known
as the Colorado Cannibal...
was an American prospector and self
proclaimed professional wilderness guide.
Who confessed to cannibalism
during the winter of 1874.
You totally have a boner
for Miss Campbell?
Something wrong, Miss Conner?
Beth...
would you eat me?
Boy... would I?
Wake up! Sleeping beauty!
Now Miss Conner, I would appreciate it if you
didn't take up all your time doodling in my class.
Do we have an understanding, Miss Conner?
Yes, ma'am.
Good!
Now, when Packer returned to town, he claimed
that he'd been abandoned by his party…
but he eventually confessed that his party had
resorted to cannibalism in order to stay alive.
You know, if you don't have a boner for Miss
Campbell, you can always attend to mine!
How about a five knuckle shuffle, Beth?
And I'll Jackson Pollock
your desk with my love goo!
You are a fucking pig!
Oink! Oink!
Chill out, Beth. I got you covered.
All you goth girls really
need is a damn good...
Fingering!
Arrgh! Why?
Why me!? Fuck me Jesus on a pogo stick!
Beth!?
Miss Campbell called earlier...
regarding an incident,
with Ethan Rembrandt?
Do we care to explain?
She wanted to let us know that he
not going to be pressing charges!
Charges? He forced
his finger into my mouth!
It wasn't finger food, Beth!
And what was I supposed to do?
Ask him to stop?
"OMG Ethan, stop mouth raping me with
your index finger! This isn't consensual!"
Nevertheless, we have been
discussing things, Frankie... and myself!
And we would like you
a, to invite him around...
For dinner.
You've got to be fucking kidding me!?
Let's try that again shall we?
That would be nice. We'll see
you tomorrow at dinner, Frankie.
Come on Beth. What's the line?
Go fuck yourself, Frankie!
Heavenly Miss Campbell,
please show me the way.
I know it will be sinful
to end a man's life.
But Ethan Rembrandt is the
epitome of toxic masculinity.
Sexually assaulting girls and getting off scott free just
because the school secretary has a life affirming rape kink?
Please, just give me a sign.
If you want me to kill the cunt?
Any... sign... at all?
Destroy all men!
The sisterhood of the coven have spoken.
Fuck the patriarchy!
♪ “Let's Get Rid of Elizabeth”
by Wasted Prospects ♪
Ethan, I really am so
sorry about yesterday.
Do you really mean it? I mean I hold no...
Grudges.
Of course, I mean my parents
would love to have you over...
What you doing?
Cara mia.
No, Ethan. That's not
appropriate. Not in public.
Eww, gross. Clarissa, look!
Eww, Sabrina. Do you see what I see?
Melissa!?
Well, I never thought Henenlotter High
would approve of inter-clique erotica.
In fact, Clarissa...
Please stop with the
generic bullying stereotypes.
And 90s TV character name checks.
It's painful.
Interesting take, Beth.
You know, I'm surprised
you're still hungry.
Especially after you chowed down
on Ethan's poor finger yesterday.
You have no idea.
Don't worry, ladies.
Tonight I'll be converting her
into a full-blown preppy carnivore.
In fact, we saw you making eyes
at the new English teacher earlier...
planning on inviting Miss Campbell to
the All You Can Eat Massacre contest?
Don't give her ideas, Clarissa. You
said we were going to win that contest.
I. I said that I was
going to win that contest.
Check your station, Sabrina and understand
where you are in this pecking order.
I'm the lead.
And Beth, when I win that contest,
you'll be the first person on my kill list.
Please, please. Kill me now...
I'm going to exterminate all the
freaks and goths at Henenlotter High.
Like it's 1940's Nazi
Germany, move over Schindler,
Clarissa's list only has room
for the elite student body!
Imagine if she did invite Miss
Campbell to the eating contest.
I bet she would quite literally.
Eat... her... out.
♪ “Get Through the Day” by Twiztid ♪
Sabrina
Melissa.
And Clarissa
aka: The Mean Girls
who wanted to be "Heathers" but
we're too busy sucking on "Jawbreakers".
And obsessing over the Tyler
McIntyre movie "Tragedy Girls".
Not to mention causing school
buses to "Crash and Burn" -
and I ain't talking 'bout no
Charles Band movie, either...
Did you forget!? Henenlotter
High ain't your jurisdiction.
Yeah! We're The Mean
Girls around here, Mister.
For fucksake, try and make it
sound less scripted next time.
You're a 30 year old woman,
playing a high school student, okay!?
Come on, Clarissa, let me go...
Without an apology!?
This is going to hurt you, a lot
more than it's going to hurt me.
Ahhhhh!
Ahhhhh!
And how about the time they!?-
- Enough with the exposition,
Beth Conner. They get it...
Meta and self aware foreshadowing
is so fucking pretentious...
Maybe this woke princess
needs a taste of other white meat.
Instead of this vegan slop...
Let's fucking go!
♪ “Never Coming Back” by Our Last Enemy ♪
Eat me, Gomez Addams, I fucking dare you!
You think that's edgy!?
Explain this, Clarissa..
On the contrary, Mr Conner.
What the fuck am I supposed
to explain to Clarissa's parents?
I'm sorry, your daughter
was an art class this afternoon
studying Van Gogh, and lost a fucking ear!?
Let Clarissa explain it all...
Listen, Mr S.
Soy.
Sawyer.
We are deeply and sincerely apologetic
for the way our dear daughter
has reacted to this situation.
I can assure you. We
didn't bring her up like this.
Did we, Mark?
What can I say? She's a hungry girl...
Clyde...
What Mr Sawyer is trying to say,
is that we feel your daughter,
enjoys the old...
Guys, she's one horror movie
away from shooting up the school.
Columbine 2: Electric Boogaloo
Are you fucking kidding me?
This school is enabling school massacres
by allowing students to choose between
killing their friends or killing themselves.
Beth, you need to broaden your mind
about zero percent of
fucking kids out there right now
are gonna actually amount to anything.
I'm giving them the
option to binge and purge
so they have no one else
to blame but themselves
but it's students like you that
want to ruin it for everybody else.
You want to blame Marilyn Manson
violent video games, Child's
Play 3, imaginary friends...
How dare you judge our
sweet little dumpling like that?
I mean, just look at her,
she wouldn't harm a fly.
Now Miss Sullivan, I expect Beth to
make a formal apology to the entire
school for her unorthodox outbursts.
She's just a child.
Has she not apologised enough? See!
If there's one more incident
involving your daughter, Mr Conner.
I'm afraid the school
will have to suspend her.
I can see we're not
going to see eye to eye...
Or mouth to ear!
Hey, that's not funny!
Nope!
Please come in.
Miss Campbell?
Yes!
Clyde Toulon, head of human resources.
Sorry for the intrusion,
but I just saw you in here,
all alone, and...
And well, it's getting rather late.
Yes, sorry. I was just
finishing up some work.
It's been all go here today.
I'll see myself out.
How disappointing.
Well you see, I got
you an induction day gift.
A little surprise, shall we say...
That's very sweet of you. But I
really need to finish my work, Clyde.
Perhaps some other time.
It will be worth your while...
A surprise?
Ethan. I'm Beth's father, Mark Conner.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Pleasure is all mine, Mr Conner.
Sorry about the finger.
Still. I hope it won't prevent you from scoring
for the Henenlotter Hamsters this season?
No need for apologies Mr Connor. I can still
fit two in the pink and one in the stink, so…
Ethan Rembrandt will always
score if you know what I'm saying?
The youth of
today are quite something.
Please, do take a seat.
Beth will be down momentarily.
I have to say I'm truly humbled by
your hospitality Mr and Mrs Conner.
It's Miss Sullivan, actually...
Mr Conner and I are in a civil partnership.
Well, actually, I guess you
could say it was Beth that
brought us together.
Well my appetite just
flew over the cuckoo's nest.
Mother of fuck!
Good evening to you too, Ethan.
Before I forget.
This is for you.
I don't drink on a school night.
Beth, dear, we're British.
We drink every night.
Well, before we say grace, Ethan.
I'd like to say what a beautiful addition
you're going to make to our family.
I can just tell.
A toast, to Beth Conner
another notch on Ethan Rembrandt's bedpost.
A-fucking-men.
Testify, Mr Rembrandt.
Okie dokie!
Let me know when I can
remove this blindfold, okay?
Okay... Ready.
Surprise!
I'm sorry. I don't remember
signing up to this after school special.
Well..
Don't worry.
I'll make sure you're very
well... financially compensated.
Now, kneel before Toulon.
Well, when you put it like that.
I wouldn't want to be a problem, Mr Toulon.
Mommy!
Now I want you to get on your knees
and pray.
That's right. Pray to your
Weinstein God to save you.
Harvey, Bob, little baby Jesus, help me...
I'm sorry, Clyde.
But your time in this
Dimension, has Miramaxed out!
Wakey! Wakey!
Beth?
What are you doing? How did I get up here?
Fuck yes!
Thank you baby Jesus.
I had no idea you
were into this kinky shit.
Is that right?
Beth, it would be an honour,
nay, a privilege, to be your victim.
Do you feed that line to all your victims?
I mean, potential suitors?
You're the only one I
have eyes for, Beth Conner.
Speaking of eyes, I noticed this evening.
You have the same eyes as Miss Sullivan
you two could easily pass
as mother and daughter.
She is not, my fucking...
MOTHER!
Fuck!
Beth, honey, everything alright in there?
Yeah, yeah, it's fine!
We're just finishing up.
I hope you're not raping him?
Rape
Beth if you don't open this door right
now, I'm going to call the fucking police!
Okay! Okay! I'm coming...
Sport, what happened?
Is Ethan alright?
Ethan is just A-OK!
So, how do you explain...
Err... I was on my period?
Okay...
Well, I wasn't expecting that.
No, I could smell the
metallically coppery smell.
Frankie! Frankie! Honey, that's enough!
Okay! Well, I'm gonna go wash up.
Love you, Daddy!
♪ “Goth Girls Are Easy”
by Lesbian Bed Death ♪
Bingo!
♪ Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Dark lips, big tits..
Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Goth boots, cat suit..
Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Black hair, death
stare.. Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Black hair, death
stare.. Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Dark lips, big tits.. ♪
I believe that I speak for my fellow
female students here at Henenlotter High.
When I say that, Ethan Rembrandt
was taken from us far, far too soon.
We may have woke up in a ditch or passed out outside
the door of our estranged parents' household...
but the fact still remains Ethan Rembrandt
had a hell of a lot of love left to give.
He did the deed and
indeed he spread his seed
before taking part in his favourite
pastime of ding dong ditch. In fact-
Am I hearing this bullshit correctly?
Beth Conner, will you
please show some respect!?
You of all people should understand the pain and
sorrow your fellow sisters are feeling right now…
Besides, you were
scheduled to be his next victim!
I'm sorry, but what I meant to say was...
You were due to be Ethan
Rembrandt's next conquest!
In fact, I am glad he is dead!
He's probably down there in hell
right now, roasting marshmallows whilst
watching horror movies produced
by those fucking Weinstein brothers!
That's enough, Beth!
I won't hear you say another sacrilegious
word about the Weinstein brothers.
Yes, Miss Montgomery...
Well, who doesn't love
the Scream franchise?
Am I right, girls?
I love Scream 3...
Consider yourself cancelled.
Well, if it isn't the carpet munching
vegan goth-cannibal herself.
Bit off more than we can chew?
Come again?
You heard me.
I'm sorry Clarissa, I couldn't “ear” you...
Are we auditioning for
the Henenlotter Hamsters
cheerleading contest, Beth?
Beth. We know your dark little secret.
Ethan's parents phoned
the school to say that
he was dropped off last night...
Eaten.
Not to mention, someone ripped
off Clyde Toulon's fucking head!
What are the chances of that, hey!?
After attending the Conner household,
Ethan ends up as the main course...
And then Beth fancied
herself a little head...
You better come clean, Beth.
Before we tell Deetz and Mr Sawyer.
And that would be a fate
far worse than death...
Death? You say that like
it's a bad thing, Melissa.
Too bad your Mommy's not alive...
To see what a freak her
cunting daughter has turned into
on her 18th birthday.
Did anyone ever tell you:
You look kinda sexy when you bleed?
That's kind of inappropriate
for a teacher to say to a student.
Can we order another round of
pancakes for Miss Gluttony over here?
And just another refill of your
damn fine Henenlotter coffee.
We close in five minutes.
Don't worry, with the appetite
she has she'll be done in two.
I'm sorry, you were saying?
Well, I may have eaten Ethan...
What do you mean you
“may have eaten Ethan?”
Something came over
me, this like.. primal urge.
Prove it.
Excuse me?
Prove it to me right here, right now.
What's the matter? Am I
not good enough to eat?
You have no fucking idea.
You've eaten every pancake in the diner.
I recognise a cry for help when I see one.
Do you wanna know my secret?
Sure.
What secret!?
Everybody seems to be
falling for you lately, Beth!?
Bye! Bye!
What the fuck!?
Beth? Beth! Do you wanna
know my secret or not?
Sure?
I suffer from something
known as erotophonophilia...
Erono-nono-who?
The lust for death!
You remember the human resources
representative at Henenlotter High right?
Clyde Toulon, of course, why?
You know how we both
love animals right, Beth?
Adore them.
Well, you know how humans send animals off to the
slaughter without a conscience in the world?
Well that's what I did to Clyde right here.
You know, Miss Campbell, I -
I've waited a long time to find
someone who truly understands me, Beth.
Together we could rid the world of
this toxic self-appointed patriarchy
that serves nothing to
womankind but pain and grief.
But we're only going
to kill bad people, right?
Pinkie promise.
Consider this my peace
offering, and understanding.
Eat up!
Whoops!
Miss Campbell, I think this is the
beginning of a beautiful relationship.
♪ “Dancer in the Dark”
by Dylan Mars Greenberg ♪
Wait, you sure we won't get caught?
Would I lie to you, Beth?
Trust me Tusk, the All You Can
Eat Massacre will be a grand success.
Thus, guaranteeing yours truly,
another year as Headmaster.
Am I right? I'm right!
Just, hold your horses and
let's wait for the ratings, okay?
Who is that woman over there
making out with that student?
That's Miss Campbell, another
American member of the faculty...
Doh! BETH!
Mark my words Beth.
No longer will you be groomed
here by a teacher at Henenlotter High.
Again, I wasn't groomed.
Nonsense, that's the
Stockholm Syndrome talking.
Stockholm? I remember Stockholm...
I once spent a weekend
skiing in Stockholm...
with Clyde.
Miss Campbell was hired under your watch.
Do you have anything
to say about this Sawyer?
I know what it's like to lose someone...
Come again?
That's what she said.
Now look, Beth. You got to share
some of the responsibility here.
Sawyer, she was sexually molested.
Bullshit! I'm just calling it as I see it, fingers,
ears, decapitated heads of football players.
My number one boy, Clyde!
Get your shit together.
We're in Henenlotter, the United
Kingdom, the age of consent is sixteen.
And after all, I'm seventeen,
going on eighteen...
Alright, Sound of Music!
The Sound of Music is my all
time favourite film about Nazis!
SIEG HEIL!
What the fuck, Nancy?
What the fuck, Nancy!?
Beth, there's no reason to speak to the
rag sheets about this isolated incident.
My significant other Nancy
has taken care of everything.
Taken care of what?
Miss Campbell has been sent on a plane
back to the greatest
country on God's flat earth.
What?
Teachers shouldn't be gallivanting with
students, it just isn't cricket, darling.
But it's okay for the school
secretary to fuck underaged students?
Excuse me?
Ethan Rembrandt was 17 years old, and
based on Henenlotter High's jurisdiction,
that brands you Miss Montgomery, a paedophile,
a kiddie fiddler, a child fucker!
A Serbian hanky-panky!
Pay no attention to
this edge lord centennial.
She's just trying to push the envelope.
Speaking of envelopes...
Mr Everbone, Miss Campbell asked me
to deliver this envelope directly to you.
And now you've taken,
the only thing I truly love.
I hereby announce my official entry
into the All You Can Eat Massacre contest.
And mark my words, I'm
going to win that handgun,
blow my fucking brains out, and escape
this shitty horror movie once and for all.
No longer will I have to put up
with you loser characters again!
Romantic comedy genre, here I come!
Atta girl! That's the kinda
passion I'm talking about!
Pro-choice suicide! But anybody can shoot
up a school, there's no talent in that!
You want to take your own life?
Or partake in a school massacre?
But you have to earn it.
Earn it.
Binge and purge.
BINGE AND PURGE, BABY!
Yeah!!
That girls got talent. Pizzazz!
I see big things coming!
It's a scream, baby!
Woooh!
Its a screaaaammmmmm.
I've been looking for a girl
just like you all my life, Beth Conner...
Someone that truly
loves and accepts me for the person I am...
I would be
completely lost without you, my darling.
Promise that you'll
never leave me, Beth? Pinkie promise?
You should have seen the
look on that goth girl's face,
when I told her I sent back
Miss Campbell on a plane.
On 9/11 nonetheless.
Pew! Pew! Pew! Kaboom!
I know! I know
the irony.
And who says jet fuel
can't melt poisoned hearts?
Cottonmouth.
Rather have a cottonmouth
than a cotton eye joe.
Campbell? What the
howdy-doody are you doing here?
I booked you first class
tickets on that hijacked flight.
9/11 is a national holiday for our people.
Do you find this
titillating, Miss Campbell?
We all know nudity in
the horror genre is only
there to appeal to the
lowest common denominator.
You donut bashers are
all the same, and I'm just-
If this was an A24 film, it would be
classed as brave and progressive.
Now, open up your virgin mouth
like a Criterion Collection cuck boy.
And say Ahhhhhhh.
Ahhhhh.
Jiminy cricket! We gotta
get you to a hospital, lickity-split!
Nancy has left the building.
So ladies, Miss Goth Cheeks thinks she's
going to win the All You Can Eat Massacre.
But, once the food turns out
to be non-vegan, she'll forfeit.
Then I'll win the All You Can Eat Massacre, and
be awarded a shiny gun by The Midnight Rose.
And send all the freaks and geeks at Henenlotter
High to my own personal concentration camp.
Any questions?
Clarissa.
What is it, Melissa?
Don't you think it's about time that
we won something for a change?
Yeah, Clarissa. Why do you always
want to have your cake and eat it too?
I'm going to ruin Beth Connor's life and put
an end to her ridiculous American Pie fetish.
Underrated franchise, I particularly
love those straight to video sequels.
I think she means the pie, as in
the poontang pie, as in the pussy.
Cunt.
Ok thank you Sabrina.
That good pie.
Shut up, Sabrina.
It's Mellisa.
I'm Sabrina.
And who the fuck is this?
Well sir, that's The Midnight Rose,
greatest wrestling manager of all time!
And the host to the All
You Can Eat Massacre.
Of course it is.
Mr Braxton, can you please send in Mr Law?
Sawyer, meet Byron Law,
head of the British school board.
This won't take long, Tusk. Please proceed.
What's happening here?
Well, we've heard all about your
colourful history with Reams for Less.
And your current tenure
with Henenlotter High is...
for lack of a better term, problematic.
Problematic? What is this woke shit!?
Do you know what lies in here?
We didn't know you were an accomplice to...
child grooming, Sawyer?
He he he.. This, this can't
be right. There must be a mistake.
The only mistake I see in this
room is the one sat in front of me.
What?
You're fired. Get the fuck out!
Wait a second. You're firing me, Tusk!?
That's Mr Everbone!
And where should I begin? Student
teacher relationships running rampant.
Your partner, the school secretary,
sleeping with an underaged student.
We are going to have a public
relations nightmare, all because of you!
Listen, Tusk. Mr Everbone.
You're canceling me!
You're not firing me, you're canceling me!
Would be better if you
killed me, then cancel me!
I mean, I had no idea, I had
no idea what was going on!
I swear on the lives of
these kids, I had no idea!
What happened to the man
who ruled with an iron... golf club?
You've become nothing more
than a caricature of yourself.
Relying on your cute little catch
phrases to pop an audience.
What happened to the man who was Reams
for Less regional manager of the year,
five years in a row?
Or did the Sawyer we all know and love die?
And what sits before me is
a figment of my imagination.
Mr Sawyer, on behalf of Henenlotter High...
We wish you all the best,
in your future endeavours.
And Sawyer.
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
No you didn't!
♪ “Devil” by Delilah Bon ♪
Good morning, goth cheeks!
Poor pancake princess.
I always knew she would
make a good cheerleader
for the Henenlotter Hamsters football team.
Get her!
Hold still, Beth Conner.
You flinch again and I
won't hesitate to cut you.
You should thank Clarissa
for doing your makeup.
It's so you.
Let me go!
Beth Conner,
we meet again.
I didn't mean to eat him.
So you admit it? You ate Ethan Rembrandt?
We told you Miss Montgomery.
Poor Mr Sawyer.
Look who's come to save the day.
You know, the school board frowns upon members
of staff sleeping with students, Miss Campbell
#me too.
Excuse me?
I wonder what Mr Sawyer
would have to say about a very
senior member of staff
sleeping with a student?
Prepare to resign Miss Campbell.
I agree.
BANG!
Miss Campbell, what are you doing here?
Have you forgotten what day it is, Beth?
I had this awful dream that Clarissa,
Melissa and Sabrina kidnapped me.
And you killed Deetz.
Are you sure it was just a dream?
Hey! I've got a surprise for you!
For your birthday.
Am I still dreaming?
You wish.
Welcome home, Miss Campbell.
We weren't expecting you back so early.
Wait, how do you know Miss
Campbell? And why is the house so dark?
Well, sport. We wouldn't want to
spoil anything for you would we?
That's right, Mark. Shall I do the honours?
Or should Miss Campbell?
Wait, how do you three know each other?
It's just like Ethan...
it's only a little prick.
What did they say? They said..
Mr Sawyer, forget Reams for Less.
You're the one to bring
prestige back to Henenlotter High.
These students, they they will
respect you, they will love you.
And I'll love them.
What happened?
What happened?
I fed them discipline,
respect, pride in education.
And they bit the hand that fed them.
They killed my number one boy, Clyde...
And you, deserted me, Deetz.
Was I not enough? Was I not enough?
Were we missing something?
I love... I loved you, Deetz...
And you fucked a child. You fu...
I can't forgive that, I can't...
I can't.
And these motherfucking kids...
spitting in my face.
Spitting in Mr Motherfucking Sawyer's face!
Time to put the dogs in the pool area.
A toast to our main course this evening.
My daughter, Beth Conner.
Crowd: Beth Conner.
Can we eat her now, Mark? Can we?
In due time...
Miss Campbell, would you do the honours?
It would be my absolute
pleasure, Mr Conner.
The Conner clan has been
waiting for this moment for
18 years.
The last time we were all here...
was for your mother.
Your mother tasted so good Beth.
Thankfully you both share
the same blood type, delicious.
And we've been waiting a good 12
years to all be reunited once more...
as a family.
It was an absolute honour Mr
Conner to put an end to your wife.
Thanks for inviting me back to
Henenlotter to tie up loose ends.
Not to mention helping fatten your
daughter up on Henenlotter prime meat.
You could say this is the...
♪ CIRCLE OF LIFEEEEEE! ♪
Meow!
Think nothing of it, Miss Campbell.
In fact...
we have a special guest,
don't we Frankie!?
Do you believe in miracles, Beth?
There we go,
there we go, Momma.
Don't you just love a family reunion?
This feels just like old times...
Ahhhhhh!
Where do you think you're
going dressed like that, dear?
To the All You Can Eat Massacre.
Don't you like my dress, Frankie?
Your dress? Well, it's
cute dumpling, but...
I much prefer your plump flesh.
Beth! Beth! Beth! Beth! Beth!
Sport! This is a sacred family ritual.
Think of it as quality time.
Try not to take any of this personally.
Now, now. That's not very ladylike is it?
What would your mother say?
You're right, Dad.
Make room for daddy.
There, there, easy does it.
Arrrgh!
I think she'd be fucking
proud of me! Daddy!
You're too late, Beth. Henenlotter
High is about to have their eating contest.
School massacres will no longer see colour.
We are one big melting pot of death!
Don't fight it, Beth.
You're the millennial product of
the American High School Trope.
And what's more poetic and American than...
♪ a high school massacre? ♪
Nostalgia is fucking cancer!
BANG!
Don't go far now. I'll be
returning for y'all soon!
Nancy! Where have you been?
The British school board has signed an exclusive
multi-year extension based on tonight's projected ratings.
Sawyer has finally fucked off!
And I, Tusk Everbone, control the intellectual
property rights to the All You Can Eat Massacre brand.
And we, my little dumpling.
Bask in all the glory,
illuminated by a hail of gunfire.
Goddammit! Sandy Hook ain't got shit on us!
I ain't Nancy.
Tell me, do you have pride?
Pride?
I asked you a question, Tusk!
Do you have motherfucking pride...
in education?
Sawyer?
That's Mr Sawyer.
Please listen! You must listen!
We can rebuild Henenlotter High together.
Think of the students. Think of the future.
That's right.
Think of the dollars invested into
this institution and into this tragedy.
Planning for the future,
when there is no future.
Selling silver dollar fantasies
and pocketing the gold.
Discarding the damage
and fist fucking the youth.
That's what you do!
That's what you believe in.
Mr Sawyer, I...
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
And how's your 18th birthday going, Beth?
Fucking terrible, thanks for asking!
Not only have I discovered that my father and his
girlfriend help kill my mother many years ago,
but that they're also homicidal cannibals.
And, my one true love, 1:
Helped them kill my mom.
Helped fatten me up to be served as
the main course of my own 18th birthday.
Fat chance!
And 3: Wants my problematic high school to
implode into one big high school massacre.
Well, not on my fucking watch!
I am going to win the All You
Can Eat Massacre contest.
Be awarded that gun.
Blow my fucking brains out!
And say goodbye to the cast and
crew of Eating Miss Campbell for good.
So, yeah, happy 18th birthday to me, right?
And before I forget,
SCREW TROMA MOVIES!
♪ “Ash” by Unquiet Dead ♪
Sawyer, sweetie.
Don't fucking move!
I don't understand?
After everything we've been through!
You've been working long nights on
the All You Can Eat Massacre event.
What do you expect a girl to do?
Ethan?
Ethan Rembrandt? Please, that's absurd.
I saw the polaroid photos.
He was a child. A fucking child.
I love you.
I'll always love you...
But I fucking hate paedophiles...
♪ Yankee doodle went to
town, a-riding on a donkey ♪
♪ Stuck a feather in his
hat and called it macaroni ♪
Someone there?
Still hungry, Beth?
I have so many delicacies to offer.
Why did you kill her?
Who, honey?
My mother!
Why does anybody do anything, Beth?
Your father had a taste
for human flesh after he
had an affair with Frankie, of course.
He sought me out and the rest is history.
That is such a fucked up excuse!
Now Beth, is it fair to judge other people's
kinks when yours are morally questionable?
I mean, look at us.
We're just the product of
what society made us into.
Do you really think society,
much less the audience,
cares about a confused suicidal goth girl,
with an insatiable love for human flesh?
You've got a point.
Remember when I said that
you looked sexy when you bled?
I meant it.
You're horribly mistaken, Miss Campbell.
It's not my time of the month!
Give it up for Ochie and Friends!
Look at what we've got
here, a late contestant.
Put your hands together for Beth Conner!
One for you.
Yum, yum, yum.
Snap into that, oooh yeah!
Ooooh, spicy!
What are we eating?
Miss Campbell.
Remember, the winner of the All You Can Eat Massacre
will win this beautiful handgun and choose...
Whether to shoot up their school!
Or shoot themselves!
On your marks!
Get set!
Chow down!
♪ “Far 2 Young 2 Die” by Tom Green ♪
And the winner of the All
You Can Eat Massacre!
Beth Conner!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Beth, give me the gun.
You know how this should end...
mass genocide the likes
this town has never seen.
On a curricular level.
Clarissa. School shootings are so 1999.
Beth's right. We need to learn from this. Grow
as characters. School shootings are wrong!
Yeah, Clarissa. Nostalgia is AIDS.
Shut up, Sabrina.
It's Melissa!
No one cares...
♪ “Eaten Alive By Fucking
Crabs” by Bodach ♪
Run and hide motherfuckers!
Binge and purge, motherfuckers!
Changed the rules on ya?
You're not stealing this
moment away from me!
I won this fucking contest!
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
You are a spectacle of teenage darkness!
Only through tragedy, do we
truly understand each other.
Don't you get that?
That's what all this has been about!
This is Mr Sawyer,
wishing you...
good health.
Mr Sawyer...
has left the building, motherfuckers!
Beth Conner!
The winner of the All You Can Eat Massacre!
Now you have binged! You must purge!
What shall your choice be?
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Well...
bottoms up for end credits!
Greetings and salutations, Beth Conner.
Do goth vegans masturbate
with cucumbers or-
It's just a dream, it isn't real...
I fucking hate low budget horror movies.
♪ “Through” by Wheatus ♪
♪ "Fellatio on the 4th of July"
by SomeWhere OutHere ♪
Beth Conner!
What the fuck
life, you never truly forget.
Like your first school massacre.
Your first demonic possession...
or your first suicide attempt.
My name is Beth Connor,
and for the past 17 years.
My life has gone straight to video..
Figuratively and literally.
I know what you're thinking.
Teenage suicide is such a cliche in horror.
They say that life is one great big movie.
But no matter what I do, I
can't seem to pick my genre.
I've tried everything.
Self mutilation.
Poisoning.
And even hanging.
And I still end up in another horror movie.
I think the only way to erase
your existence in this genre
is by blowing your fucking brains out!
Well, Bottoms Up for a romantic comedy.
And don't worry. It's vegan milk.
No animals were harmed in
ones self-righteous suicide.
You know, I always imagined
date rape pills tasted like candy.
Not like ass!
I mean, what's the
incentive to even take them?
Well, remember kids, it's
down the road not across the street!
Well, I guess I'm stuck
in another horror movie.
With 30 somethings
portraying high school students.
Nonsensical-violence and
edgy social commentary.
God, I hate low budget movies.
You know, what I wouldn't
give for a happy ending?
And by happy ending, I mean...
Let's shoot this straight to
DVD piece of shit already!
Fuck you!
♪ “S.A.S.S.” by Hands off Gretel ♪
♪ "Do You Dare" by Die So Fluid ♪
I'm sorry, Dad never visits mum.
You know, they say I get my looks from you.
And I'm trying to abide by the mantra: live fast,
die young and leave a good-looking corpse behind.
You know, just like Diana...
The Princess of Wales.
God, please prick my arm with heroin and blow my
fucking brains out like the patron Saint Kurt Cobain
Beth! Beth Conner!
Never mind.
Yoohoo!
Beth!
Fucksake I'm coming!
Beth! Sport! We got here just in the
nick of time. You forgot your packed-lunch!
So you followed me all
the way from our house?
And another nutritious lunch,
I'm sure! I'm vegan, remember!
And let's not forget, your
18th birthday is next week.
I'd hate to break it to you, but you are a
lousy stepmom substitute... Frankie Sullivan.
Beth Conner. We've been through this.
Mommy Conner is dead and buried
#nostalgia is cancer!
#don't make me stick those 17 characters up your...
- Ladies!
Beth, please.
Take your lunch.
Must we ask twice?
I don't know Dad? How about we grab a couple
of shovels and get a fourth opinion!?
Have a splendid day at school, sport!
♪ “DTH FLG” by The Black Halos ♪
Well, welcome to purgatory...
Every student deserves to experience a school
massacre, at least once in their lives.
It's a right of passage. Why
deny them of their God-given right?
I didn't ask you Nancy, I asked him!
TUSK!
Let's talk about the
tragedies of 1999, shall we?
NATO bombed Yugoslavia, Clinton was acquitted
in the senate, Family Guy premiered on FOX...
and, Henenlotter High experienced
it's first school massacre.
Resulting in loss of revenue and the
closure of this very academic institution.
Meanwhile back in America.
We not only survived, but
thrived. Making Columbine...
A household name.
Look at it this way! The school board no
longer has to worry about - lack of funding!
On-demand streaming channels will pay a handsome
seven figures for an .. 'academic faux-pas'
Like, I don't know!?
Gee-wizz. A school shooting!?
And of course before any student gets trigger happy at our proposal, we of
course need to make sure all the correct sponsorship and marketing are in place.
After all, controversy creates cash.
Mark my words Everbone, I'll do
everything and anything in my power
to prevent another tragedy
happening here at Henenlotter High.
Why don't we introduce the brand spanking
new headmaster of Henenlotter High?
A new headmaster!?
Remember the "Reams for Less Massacre"!?
When Henenlotter High alum Peltzer Arbuckle summoned his
imaginary friend Ronnie to shoot up the school, back in 1999?
The British school board did nothing.
And then 15 years later. The duo returned
to assassinate a stationary company in
the infamously-titled
"Reams for Less Massacre".
And still, the people of
Henenlotter did nothing.
Except for one.
Marcus, Henenlotter High has hired the one American
who put a stop to that Drop-dead-Fred bullshit.
Please, everyone, welcome the
new headmaster of Henenlotter High!
Allow me to re-introduce myself...
My name is Mr Sawyer.
And Marcus, I hear you're the best.
In fact, I hear that
you're the best... by par!
I am having so much fun!
Students!
Greetings and salutations Beth Conner!
Tell me, do goth vegans masturbate
with cucumbers or crucifixes these days?
Give me a fucking break
Mr Auteur Filmmaker.
The power of the pickle compels you!
That's Ethan Rembrandt,
Henenlotter High's resident date rapist.
And the brother of the late
narcissistic dickhead Stiles Rembrandt.
And you know what they say?
Like brother, like date rapist!
Everyone knows the token goth girl is a
school massacre cliche waiting to happen!
All you need is a trench
coat, and hey presto!
You could be the premature
love child of Harris and Klebold!
Why subvert the expectation?
Trench coats are so 1999.
Didn't you get the memo?
#nostalgia is cancer.
Anyway, please allow me to introduce...
Please give a warm welcome, and
put your hands together for Mr Sawyer!
Wahhh!
Woah!! Yes, sir.
Ooh.. Thank you so
much for that introduction.
Come on people, give it up
for Clyde, my number one guy!
Yes, sir!
Good morning Henenlotter Hamsters…
Now I'd like to speak to you
all regarding a very, very...
controversial subject.
Now...
No, you didn't.
FUCK!
Fucker, Fucker, Motherfucker!
Well, that's one way to deal with unruly
students dressed up as former presidents.
And let us return to the American precept that every
individual is accountable for his own actions.
I love it when you quote Ronnie
Reagan. It makes me so moist...
Naturally.
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
WHOOPSIE FUCKING DAISY!
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
Now, my home country has a long
and rich history of school massacres...
We know a thing about a thing or two.
So I thought. Why not bring a slice
of Americana here to the British isles.
That's right folks!
We here at Henenlotter
High will host the very first.
ALL YOU CAN EAT MASSACRE!
What's wrong, Ethan?
Ran out of potential victims so you have
to lower your standards for the goth girl.
But Beth... it's the All
You Can Eat Massacre!
Ooh!
No no no no no.
Take a look, in wonder, Deetz Montgomery.
My love, my life, my everything.
WOOF!
- Okay, we need to talk about Deetz Montgomery.
School secretary by day...
And nymphomaniac
banjo-snapping mega bitch by night.
Not to mention, the significant other of our
brand spanking new headmaster Mr Sawyer.
And whilst Mr Sawyer
only has eyes for Deetz.
Deetz has eyes for that dickhead
sitting behind me, Ethan Rembrandt.
And together, Deetz and Ethan became Henenlotter's
answer to Gislane Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein.
Grooming and sodomizing vulnerable
students in exchange for top grades.
Whilst Deetz and Ethan live out their sordid
fantasies, unbeknownst to poor Mr Sawyer.
Poetic and fucked up, right!?
Now at the inaugural All
You Can Eat Massacre.
Sweet suicide.
Imagine blowing your fucking
brains out with that thing?
God it's beautiful..
Students will have the option to
binge and purge as they see fit.
So the winner either gets
the chance to commit suicide, blah!
Or shoot up Henenlotter High!
Kinda like pro choice!
Or pro death!
Prolapse!
And now to paraphrase
Big Willy Shakespeare:
"To kill yourself, or to
kill your classmates!?
That is the motherfucking question!"
And now an instructional
video from Dr. Samuel Weil...
Kill the lights!
Alec Baldwin... nrrrgh!
Wasn't that riveting!?
Very riveting! Very riveting!
Now, I would like to introduce you to
the new English teacher, Miss Campbell.
A fellow American, so give it up!
Thank you, Mr Sawyer for
that eloquent introduction.
Today is a new beginning
for us here at Henenlotter High.
So remember, be kind to each other...
Or I'll kill ya!
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pewwww!
Tough crowd.
Alfred Packer also known
as the Colorado Cannibal...
was an American prospector and self
proclaimed professional wilderness guide.
Who confessed to cannibalism
during the winter of 1874.
You totally have a boner
for Miss Campbell?
Something wrong, Miss Conner?
Beth...
would you eat me?
Boy... would I?
Wake up! Sleeping beauty!
Now Miss Conner, I would appreciate it if you
didn't take up all your time doodling in my class.
Do we have an understanding, Miss Conner?
Yes, ma'am.
Good!
Now, when Packer returned to town, he claimed
that he'd been abandoned by his party…
but he eventually confessed that his party had
resorted to cannibalism in order to stay alive.
You know, if you don't have a boner for Miss
Campbell, you can always attend to mine!
How about a five knuckle shuffle, Beth?
And I'll Jackson Pollock
your desk with my love goo!
You are a fucking pig!
Oink! Oink!
Chill out, Beth. I got you covered.
All you goth girls really
need is a damn good...
Fingering!
Arrgh! Why?
Why me!? Fuck me Jesus on a pogo stick!
Beth!?
Miss Campbell called earlier...
regarding an incident,
with Ethan Rembrandt?
Do we care to explain?
She wanted to let us know that he
not going to be pressing charges!
Charges? He forced
his finger into my mouth!
It wasn't finger food, Beth!
And what was I supposed to do?
Ask him to stop?
"OMG Ethan, stop mouth raping me with
your index finger! This isn't consensual!"
Nevertheless, we have been
discussing things, Frankie... and myself!
And we would like you
a, to invite him around...
For dinner.
You've got to be fucking kidding me!?
Let's try that again shall we?
That would be nice. We'll see
you tomorrow at dinner, Frankie.
Come on Beth. What's the line?
Go fuck yourself, Frankie!
Heavenly Miss Campbell,
please show me the way.
I know it will be sinful
to end a man's life.
But Ethan Rembrandt is the
epitome of toxic masculinity.
Sexually assaulting girls and getting off scott free just
because the school secretary has a life affirming rape kink?
Please, just give me a sign.
If you want me to kill the cunt?
Any... sign... at all?
Destroy all men!
The sisterhood of the coven have spoken.
Fuck the patriarchy!
♪ “Let's Get Rid of Elizabeth”
by Wasted Prospects ♪
Ethan, I really am so
sorry about yesterday.
Do you really mean it? I mean I hold no...
Grudges.
Of course, I mean my parents
would love to have you over...
What you doing?
Cara mia.
No, Ethan. That's not
appropriate. Not in public.
Eww, gross. Clarissa, look!
Eww, Sabrina. Do you see what I see?
Melissa!?
Well, I never thought Henenlotter High
would approve of inter-clique erotica.
In fact, Clarissa...
Please stop with the
generic bullying stereotypes.
And 90s TV character name checks.
It's painful.
Interesting take, Beth.
You know, I'm surprised
you're still hungry.
Especially after you chowed down
on Ethan's poor finger yesterday.
You have no idea.
Don't worry, ladies.
Tonight I'll be converting her
into a full-blown preppy carnivore.
In fact, we saw you making eyes
at the new English teacher earlier...
planning on inviting Miss Campbell to
the All You Can Eat Massacre contest?
Don't give her ideas, Clarissa. You
said we were going to win that contest.
I. I said that I was
going to win that contest.
Check your station, Sabrina and understand
where you are in this pecking order.
I'm the lead.
And Beth, when I win that contest,
you'll be the first person on my kill list.
Please, please. Kill me now...
I'm going to exterminate all the
freaks and goths at Henenlotter High.
Like it's 1940's Nazi
Germany, move over Schindler,
Clarissa's list only has room
for the elite student body!
Imagine if she did invite Miss
Campbell to the eating contest.
I bet she would quite literally.
Eat... her... out.
♪ “Get Through the Day” by Twiztid ♪
Sabrina
Melissa.
And Clarissa
aka: The Mean Girls
who wanted to be "Heathers" but
we're too busy sucking on "Jawbreakers".
And obsessing over the Tyler
McIntyre movie "Tragedy Girls".
Not to mention causing school
buses to "Crash and Burn" -
and I ain't talking 'bout no
Charles Band movie, either...
Did you forget!? Henenlotter
High ain't your jurisdiction.
Yeah! We're The Mean
Girls around here, Mister.
For fucksake, try and make it
sound less scripted next time.
You're a 30 year old woman,
playing a high school student, okay!?
Come on, Clarissa, let me go...
Without an apology!?
This is going to hurt you, a lot
more than it's going to hurt me.
Ahhhhh!
Ahhhhh!
And how about the time they!?-
- Enough with the exposition,
Beth Conner. They get it...
Meta and self aware foreshadowing
is so fucking pretentious...
Maybe this woke princess
needs a taste of other white meat.
Instead of this vegan slop...
Let's fucking go!
♪ “Never Coming Back” by Our Last Enemy ♪
Eat me, Gomez Addams, I fucking dare you!
You think that's edgy!?
Explain this, Clarissa..
On the contrary, Mr Conner.
What the fuck am I supposed
to explain to Clarissa's parents?
I'm sorry, your daughter
was an art class this afternoon
studying Van Gogh, and lost a fucking ear!?
Let Clarissa explain it all...
Listen, Mr S.
Soy.
Sawyer.
We are deeply and sincerely apologetic
for the way our dear daughter
has reacted to this situation.
I can assure you. We
didn't bring her up like this.
Did we, Mark?
What can I say? She's a hungry girl...
Clyde...
What Mr Sawyer is trying to say,
is that we feel your daughter,
enjoys the old...
Guys, she's one horror movie
away from shooting up the school.
Columbine 2: Electric Boogaloo
Are you fucking kidding me?
This school is enabling school massacres
by allowing students to choose between
killing their friends or killing themselves.
Beth, you need to broaden your mind
about zero percent of
fucking kids out there right now
are gonna actually amount to anything.
I'm giving them the
option to binge and purge
so they have no one else
to blame but themselves
but it's students like you that
want to ruin it for everybody else.
You want to blame Marilyn Manson
violent video games, Child's
Play 3, imaginary friends...
How dare you judge our
sweet little dumpling like that?
I mean, just look at her,
she wouldn't harm a fly.
Now Miss Sullivan, I expect Beth to
make a formal apology to the entire
school for her unorthodox outbursts.
She's just a child.
Has she not apologised enough? See!
If there's one more incident
involving your daughter, Mr Conner.
I'm afraid the school
will have to suspend her.
I can see we're not
going to see eye to eye...
Or mouth to ear!
Hey, that's not funny!
Nope!
Please come in.
Miss Campbell?
Yes!
Clyde Toulon, head of human resources.
Sorry for the intrusion,
but I just saw you in here,
all alone, and...
And well, it's getting rather late.
Yes, sorry. I was just
finishing up some work.
It's been all go here today.
I'll see myself out.
How disappointing.
Well you see, I got
you an induction day gift.
A little surprise, shall we say...
That's very sweet of you. But I
really need to finish my work, Clyde.
Perhaps some other time.
It will be worth your while...
A surprise?
Ethan. I'm Beth's father, Mark Conner.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Pleasure is all mine, Mr Conner.
Sorry about the finger.
Still. I hope it won't prevent you from scoring
for the Henenlotter Hamsters this season?
No need for apologies Mr Connor. I can still
fit two in the pink and one in the stink, so…
Ethan Rembrandt will always
score if you know what I'm saying?
The youth of
today are quite something.
Please, do take a seat.
Beth will be down momentarily.
I have to say I'm truly humbled by
your hospitality Mr and Mrs Conner.
It's Miss Sullivan, actually...
Mr Conner and I are in a civil partnership.
Well, actually, I guess you
could say it was Beth that
brought us together.
Well my appetite just
flew over the cuckoo's nest.
Mother of fuck!
Good evening to you too, Ethan.
Before I forget.
This is for you.
I don't drink on a school night.
Beth, dear, we're British.
We drink every night.
Well, before we say grace, Ethan.
I'd like to say what a beautiful addition
you're going to make to our family.
I can just tell.
A toast, to Beth Conner
another notch on Ethan Rembrandt's bedpost.
A-fucking-men.
Testify, Mr Rembrandt.
Okie dokie!
Let me know when I can
remove this blindfold, okay?
Okay... Ready.
Surprise!
I'm sorry. I don't remember
signing up to this after school special.
Well..
Don't worry.
I'll make sure you're very
well... financially compensated.
Now, kneel before Toulon.
Well, when you put it like that.
I wouldn't want to be a problem, Mr Toulon.
Mommy!
Now I want you to get on your knees
and pray.
That's right. Pray to your
Weinstein God to save you.
Harvey, Bob, little baby Jesus, help me...
I'm sorry, Clyde.
But your time in this
Dimension, has Miramaxed out!
Wakey! Wakey!
Beth?
What are you doing? How did I get up here?
Fuck yes!
Thank you baby Jesus.
I had no idea you
were into this kinky shit.
Is that right?
Beth, it would be an honour,
nay, a privilege, to be your victim.
Do you feed that line to all your victims?
I mean, potential suitors?
You're the only one I
have eyes for, Beth Conner.
Speaking of eyes, I noticed this evening.
You have the same eyes as Miss Sullivan
you two could easily pass
as mother and daughter.
She is not, my fucking...
MOTHER!
Fuck!
Beth, honey, everything alright in there?
Yeah, yeah, it's fine!
We're just finishing up.
I hope you're not raping him?
Rape
Beth if you don't open this door right
now, I'm going to call the fucking police!
Okay! Okay! I'm coming...
Sport, what happened?
Is Ethan alright?
Ethan is just A-OK!
So, how do you explain...
Err... I was on my period?
Okay...
Well, I wasn't expecting that.
No, I could smell the
metallically coppery smell.
Frankie! Frankie! Honey, that's enough!
Okay! Well, I'm gonna go wash up.
Love you, Daddy!
♪ “Goth Girls Are Easy”
by Lesbian Bed Death ♪
Bingo!
♪ Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Dark lips, big tits..
Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Goth boots, cat suit..
Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Black hair, death
stare.. Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Black hair, death
stare.. Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Dark lips, big tits.. ♪
I believe that I speak for my fellow
female students here at Henenlotter High.
When I say that, Ethan Rembrandt
was taken from us far, far too soon.
We may have woke up in a ditch or passed out outside
the door of our estranged parents' household...
but the fact still remains Ethan Rembrandt
had a hell of a lot of love left to give.
He did the deed and
indeed he spread his seed
before taking part in his favourite
pastime of ding dong ditch. In fact-
Am I hearing this bullshit correctly?
Beth Conner, will you
please show some respect!?
You of all people should understand the pain and
sorrow your fellow sisters are feeling right now…
Besides, you were
scheduled to be his next victim!
I'm sorry, but what I meant to say was...
You were due to be Ethan
Rembrandt's next conquest!
In fact, I am glad he is dead!
He's probably down there in hell
right now, roasting marshmallows whilst
watching horror movies produced
by those fucking Weinstein brothers!
That's enough, Beth!
I won't hear you say another sacrilegious
word about the Weinstein brothers.
Yes, Miss Montgomery...
Well, who doesn't love
the Scream franchise?
Am I right, girls?
I love Scream 3...
Consider yourself cancelled.
Well, if it isn't the carpet munching
vegan goth-cannibal herself.
Bit off more than we can chew?
Come again?
You heard me.
I'm sorry Clarissa, I couldn't “ear” you...
Are we auditioning for
the Henenlotter Hamsters
cheerleading contest, Beth?
Beth. We know your dark little secret.
Ethan's parents phoned
the school to say that
he was dropped off last night...
Eaten.
Not to mention, someone ripped
off Clyde Toulon's fucking head!
What are the chances of that, hey!?
After attending the Conner household,
Ethan ends up as the main course...
And then Beth fancied
herself a little head...
You better come clean, Beth.
Before we tell Deetz and Mr Sawyer.
And that would be a fate
far worse than death...
Death? You say that like
it's a bad thing, Melissa.
Too bad your Mommy's not alive...
To see what a freak her
cunting daughter has turned into
on her 18th birthday.
Did anyone ever tell you:
You look kinda sexy when you bleed?
That's kind of inappropriate
for a teacher to say to a student.
Can we order another round of
pancakes for Miss Gluttony over here?
And just another refill of your
damn fine Henenlotter coffee.
We close in five minutes.
Don't worry, with the appetite
she has she'll be done in two.
I'm sorry, you were saying?
Well, I may have eaten Ethan...
What do you mean you
“may have eaten Ethan?”
Something came over
me, this like.. primal urge.
Prove it.
Excuse me?
Prove it to me right here, right now.
What's the matter? Am I
not good enough to eat?
You have no fucking idea.
You've eaten every pancake in the diner.
I recognise a cry for help when I see one.
Do you wanna know my secret?
Sure.
What secret!?
Everybody seems to be
falling for you lately, Beth!?
Bye! Bye!
What the fuck!?
Beth? Beth! Do you wanna
know my secret or not?
Sure?
I suffer from something
known as erotophonophilia...
Erono-nono-who?
The lust for death!
You remember the human resources
representative at Henenlotter High right?
Clyde Toulon, of course, why?
You know how we both
love animals right, Beth?
Adore them.
Well, you know how humans send animals off to the
slaughter without a conscience in the world?
Well that's what I did to Clyde right here.
You know, Miss Campbell, I -
I've waited a long time to find
someone who truly understands me, Beth.
Together we could rid the world of
this toxic self-appointed patriarchy
that serves nothing to
womankind but pain and grief.
But we're only going
to kill bad people, right?
Pinkie promise.
Consider this my peace
offering, and understanding.
Eat up!
Whoops!
Miss Campbell, I think this is the
beginning of a beautiful relationship.
♪ “Dancer in the Dark”
by Dylan Mars Greenberg ♪
Wait, you sure we won't get caught?
Would I lie to you, Beth?
Trust me Tusk, the All You Can
Eat Massacre will be a grand success.
Thus, guaranteeing yours truly,
another year as Headmaster.
Am I right? I'm right!
Just, hold your horses and
let's wait for the ratings, okay?
Who is that woman over there
making out with that student?
That's Miss Campbell, another
American member of the faculty...
Doh! BETH!
Mark my words Beth.
No longer will you be groomed
here by a teacher at Henenlotter High.
Again, I wasn't groomed.
Nonsense, that's the
Stockholm Syndrome talking.
Stockholm? I remember Stockholm...
I once spent a weekend
skiing in Stockholm...
with Clyde.
Miss Campbell was hired under your watch.
Do you have anything
to say about this Sawyer?
I know what it's like to lose someone...
Come again?
That's what she said.
Now look, Beth. You got to share
some of the responsibility here.
Sawyer, she was sexually molested.
Bullshit! I'm just calling it as I see it, fingers,
ears, decapitated heads of football players.
My number one boy, Clyde!
Get your shit together.
We're in Henenlotter, the United
Kingdom, the age of consent is sixteen.
And after all, I'm seventeen,
going on eighteen...
Alright, Sound of Music!
The Sound of Music is my all
time favourite film about Nazis!
SIEG HEIL!
What the fuck, Nancy?
What the fuck, Nancy!?
Beth, there's no reason to speak to the
rag sheets about this isolated incident.
My significant other Nancy
has taken care of everything.
Taken care of what?
Miss Campbell has been sent on a plane
back to the greatest
country on God's flat earth.
What?
Teachers shouldn't be gallivanting with
students, it just isn't cricket, darling.
But it's okay for the school
secretary to fuck underaged students?
Excuse me?
Ethan Rembrandt was 17 years old, and
based on Henenlotter High's jurisdiction,
that brands you Miss Montgomery, a paedophile,
a kiddie fiddler, a child fucker!
A Serbian hanky-panky!
Pay no attention to
this edge lord centennial.
She's just trying to push the envelope.
Speaking of envelopes...
Mr Everbone, Miss Campbell asked me
to deliver this envelope directly to you.
And now you've taken,
the only thing I truly love.
I hereby announce my official entry
into the All You Can Eat Massacre contest.
And mark my words, I'm
going to win that handgun,
blow my fucking brains out, and escape
this shitty horror movie once and for all.
No longer will I have to put up
with you loser characters again!
Romantic comedy genre, here I come!
Atta girl! That's the kinda
passion I'm talking about!
Pro-choice suicide! But anybody can shoot
up a school, there's no talent in that!
You want to take your own life?
Or partake in a school massacre?
But you have to earn it.
Earn it.
Binge and purge.
BINGE AND PURGE, BABY!
Yeah!!
That girls got talent. Pizzazz!
I see big things coming!
It's a scream, baby!
Woooh!
Its a screaaaammmmmm.
I've been looking for a girl
just like you all my life, Beth Conner...
Someone that truly
loves and accepts me for the person I am...
I would be
completely lost without you, my darling.
Promise that you'll
never leave me, Beth? Pinkie promise?
You should have seen the
look on that goth girl's face,
when I told her I sent back
Miss Campbell on a plane.
On 9/11 nonetheless.
Pew! Pew! Pew! Kaboom!
I know! I know
the irony.
And who says jet fuel
can't melt poisoned hearts?
Cottonmouth.
Rather have a cottonmouth
than a cotton eye joe.
Campbell? What the
howdy-doody are you doing here?
I booked you first class
tickets on that hijacked flight.
9/11 is a national holiday for our people.
Do you find this
titillating, Miss Campbell?
We all know nudity in
the horror genre is only
there to appeal to the
lowest common denominator.
You donut bashers are
all the same, and I'm just-
If this was an A24 film, it would be
classed as brave and progressive.
Now, open up your virgin mouth
like a Criterion Collection cuck boy.
And say Ahhhhhhh.
Ahhhhh.
Jiminy cricket! We gotta
get you to a hospital, lickity-split!
Nancy has left the building.
So ladies, Miss Goth Cheeks thinks she's
going to win the All You Can Eat Massacre.
But, once the food turns out
to be non-vegan, she'll forfeit.
Then I'll win the All You Can Eat Massacre, and
be awarded a shiny gun by The Midnight Rose.
And send all the freaks and geeks at Henenlotter
High to my own personal concentration camp.
Any questions?
Clarissa.
What is it, Melissa?
Don't you think it's about time that
we won something for a change?
Yeah, Clarissa. Why do you always
want to have your cake and eat it too?
I'm going to ruin Beth Connor's life and put
an end to her ridiculous American Pie fetish.
Underrated franchise, I particularly
love those straight to video sequels.
I think she means the pie, as in
the poontang pie, as in the pussy.
Cunt.
Ok thank you Sabrina.
That good pie.
Shut up, Sabrina.
It's Mellisa.
I'm Sabrina.
And who the fuck is this?
Well sir, that's The Midnight Rose,
greatest wrestling manager of all time!
And the host to the All
You Can Eat Massacre.
Of course it is.
Mr Braxton, can you please send in Mr Law?
Sawyer, meet Byron Law,
head of the British school board.
This won't take long, Tusk. Please proceed.
What's happening here?
Well, we've heard all about your
colourful history with Reams for Less.
And your current tenure
with Henenlotter High is...
for lack of a better term, problematic.
Problematic? What is this woke shit!?
Do you know what lies in here?
We didn't know you were an accomplice to...
child grooming, Sawyer?
He he he.. This, this can't
be right. There must be a mistake.
The only mistake I see in this
room is the one sat in front of me.
What?
You're fired. Get the fuck out!
Wait a second. You're firing me, Tusk!?
That's Mr Everbone!
And where should I begin? Student
teacher relationships running rampant.
Your partner, the school secretary,
sleeping with an underaged student.
We are going to have a public
relations nightmare, all because of you!
Listen, Tusk. Mr Everbone.
You're canceling me!
You're not firing me, you're canceling me!
Would be better if you
killed me, then cancel me!
I mean, I had no idea, I had
no idea what was going on!
I swear on the lives of
these kids, I had no idea!
What happened to the man
who ruled with an iron... golf club?
You've become nothing more
than a caricature of yourself.
Relying on your cute little catch
phrases to pop an audience.
What happened to the man who was Reams
for Less regional manager of the year,
five years in a row?
Or did the Sawyer we all know and love die?
And what sits before me is
a figment of my imagination.
Mr Sawyer, on behalf of Henenlotter High...
We wish you all the best,
in your future endeavours.
And Sawyer.
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
No you didn't!
♪ “Devil” by Delilah Bon ♪
Good morning, goth cheeks!
Poor pancake princess.
I always knew she would
make a good cheerleader
for the Henenlotter Hamsters football team.
Get her!
Hold still, Beth Conner.
You flinch again and I
won't hesitate to cut you.
You should thank Clarissa
for doing your makeup.
It's so you.
Let me go!
Beth Conner,
we meet again.
I didn't mean to eat him.
So you admit it? You ate Ethan Rembrandt?
We told you Miss Montgomery.
Poor Mr Sawyer.
Look who's come to save the day.
You know, the school board frowns upon members
of staff sleeping with students, Miss Campbell
#me too.
Excuse me?
I wonder what Mr Sawyer
would have to say about a very
senior member of staff
sleeping with a student?
Prepare to resign Miss Campbell.
I agree.
BANG!
Miss Campbell, what are you doing here?
Have you forgotten what day it is, Beth?
I had this awful dream that Clarissa,
Melissa and Sabrina kidnapped me.
And you killed Deetz.
Are you sure it was just a dream?
Hey! I've got a surprise for you!
For your birthday.
Am I still dreaming?
You wish.
Welcome home, Miss Campbell.
We weren't expecting you back so early.
Wait, how do you know Miss
Campbell? And why is the house so dark?
Well, sport. We wouldn't want to
spoil anything for you would we?
That's right, Mark. Shall I do the honours?
Or should Miss Campbell?
Wait, how do you three know each other?
It's just like Ethan...
it's only a little prick.
What did they say? They said..
Mr Sawyer, forget Reams for Less.
You're the one to bring
prestige back to Henenlotter High.
These students, they they will
respect you, they will love you.
And I'll love them.
What happened?
What happened?
I fed them discipline,
respect, pride in education.
And they bit the hand that fed them.
They killed my number one boy, Clyde...
And you, deserted me, Deetz.
Was I not enough? Was I not enough?
Were we missing something?
I love... I loved you, Deetz...
And you fucked a child. You fu...
I can't forgive that, I can't...
I can't.
And these motherfucking kids...
spitting in my face.
Spitting in Mr Motherfucking Sawyer's face!
Time to put the dogs in the pool area.
A toast to our main course this evening.
My daughter, Beth Conner.
Crowd: Beth Conner.
Can we eat her now, Mark? Can we?
In due time...
Miss Campbell, would you do the honours?
It would be my absolute
pleasure, Mr Conner.
The Conner clan has been
waiting for this moment for
18 years.
The last time we were all here...
was for your mother.
Your mother tasted so good Beth.
Thankfully you both share
the same blood type, delicious.
And we've been waiting a good 12
years to all be reunited once more...
as a family.
It was an absolute honour Mr
Conner to put an end to your wife.
Thanks for inviting me back to
Henenlotter to tie up loose ends.
Not to mention helping fatten your
daughter up on Henenlotter prime meat.
You could say this is the...
♪ CIRCLE OF LIFEEEEEE! ♪
Meow!
Think nothing of it, Miss Campbell.
In fact...
we have a special guest,
don't we Frankie!?
Do you believe in miracles, Beth?
There we go,
there we go, Momma.
Don't you just love a family reunion?
This feels just like old times...
Ahhhhhh!
Where do you think you're
going dressed like that, dear?
To the All You Can Eat Massacre.
Don't you like my dress, Frankie?
Your dress? Well, it's
cute dumpling, but...
I much prefer your plump flesh.
Beth! Beth! Beth! Beth! Beth!
Sport! This is a sacred family ritual.
Think of it as quality time.
Try not to take any of this personally.
Now, now. That's not very ladylike is it?
What would your mother say?
You're right, Dad.
Make room for daddy.
There, there, easy does it.
Arrrgh!
I think she'd be fucking
proud of me! Daddy!
You're too late, Beth. Henenlotter
High is about to have their eating contest.
School massacres will no longer see colour.
We are one big melting pot of death!
Don't fight it, Beth.
You're the millennial product of
the American High School Trope.
And what's more poetic and American than...
♪ a high school massacre? ♪
Nostalgia is fucking cancer!
BANG!
Don't go far now. I'll be
returning for y'all soon!
Nancy! Where have you been?
The British school board has signed an exclusive
multi-year extension based on tonight's projected ratings.
Sawyer has finally fucked off!
And I, Tusk Everbone, control the intellectual
property rights to the All You Can Eat Massacre brand.
And we, my little dumpling.
Bask in all the glory,
illuminated by a hail of gunfire.
Goddammit! Sandy Hook ain't got shit on us!
I ain't Nancy.
Tell me, do you have pride?
Pride?
I asked you a question, Tusk!
Do you have motherfucking pride...
in education?
Sawyer?
That's Mr Sawyer.
Please listen! You must listen!
We can rebuild Henenlotter High together.
Think of the students. Think of the future.
That's right.
Think of the dollars invested into
this institution and into this tragedy.
Planning for the future,
when there is no future.
Selling silver dollar fantasies
and pocketing the gold.
Discarding the damage
and fist fucking the youth.
That's what you do!
That's what you believe in.
Mr Sawyer, I...
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
And how's your 18th birthday going, Beth?
Fucking terrible, thanks for asking!
Not only have I discovered that my father and his
girlfriend help kill my mother many years ago,
but that they're also homicidal cannibals.
And, my one true love, 1:
Helped them kill my mom.
Helped fatten me up to be served as
the main course of my own 18th birthday.
Fat chance!
And 3: Wants my problematic high school to
implode into one big high school massacre.
Well, not on my fucking watch!
I am going to win the All You
Can Eat Massacre contest.
Be awarded that gun.
Blow my fucking brains out!
And say goodbye to the cast and
crew of Eating Miss Campbell for good.
So, yeah, happy 18th birthday to me, right?
And before I forget,
SCREW TROMA MOVIES!
♪ “Ash” by Unquiet Dead ♪
Sawyer, sweetie.
Don't fucking move!
I don't understand?
After everything we've been through!
You've been working long nights on
the All You Can Eat Massacre event.
What do you expect a girl to do?
Ethan?
Ethan Rembrandt? Please, that's absurd.
I saw the polaroid photos.
He was a child. A fucking child.
I love you.
I'll always love you...
But I fucking hate paedophiles...
♪ Yankee doodle went to
town, a-riding on a donkey ♪
♪ Stuck a feather in his
hat and called it macaroni ♪
Someone there?
Still hungry, Beth?
I have so many delicacies to offer.
Why did you kill her?
Who, honey?
My mother!
Why does anybody do anything, Beth?
Your father had a taste
for human flesh after he
had an affair with Frankie, of course.
He sought me out and the rest is history.
That is such a fucked up excuse!
Now Beth, is it fair to judge other people's
kinks when yours are morally questionable?
I mean, look at us.
We're just the product of
what society made us into.
Do you really think society,
much less the audience,
cares about a confused suicidal goth girl,
with an insatiable love for human flesh?
You've got a point.
Remember when I said that
you looked sexy when you bled?
I meant it.
You're horribly mistaken, Miss Campbell.
It's not my time of the month!
Give it up for Ochie and Friends!
Look at what we've got
here, a late contestant.
Put your hands together for Beth Conner!
One for you.
Yum, yum, yum.
Snap into that, oooh yeah!
Ooooh, spicy!
What are we eating?
Miss Campbell.
Remember, the winner of the All You Can Eat Massacre
will win this beautiful handgun and choose...
Whether to shoot up their school!
Or shoot themselves!
On your marks!
Get set!
Chow down!
♪ “Far 2 Young 2 Die” by Tom Green ♪
And the winner of the All
You Can Eat Massacre!
Beth Conner!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Beth, give me the gun.
You know how this should end...
mass genocide the likes
this town has never seen.
On a curricular level.
Clarissa. School shootings are so 1999.
Beth's right. We need to learn from this. Grow
as characters. School shootings are wrong!
Yeah, Clarissa. Nostalgia is AIDS.
Shut up, Sabrina.
It's Melissa!
No one cares...
♪ “Eaten Alive By Fucking
Crabs” by Bodach ♪
Run and hide motherfuckers!
Binge and purge, motherfuckers!
Changed the rules on ya?
You're not stealing this
moment away from me!
I won this fucking contest!
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
You are a spectacle of teenage darkness!
Only through tragedy, do we
truly understand each other.
Don't you get that?
That's what all this has been about!
This is Mr Sawyer,
wishing you...
good health.
Mr Sawyer...
has left the building, motherfuckers!
Beth Conner!
The winner of the All You Can Eat Massacre!
Now you have binged! You must purge!
What shall your choice be?
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Well...
bottoms up for end credits!
Greetings and salutations, Beth Conner.
Do goth vegans masturbate
with cucumbers or-
It's just a dream, it isn't real...
I fucking hate low budget horror movies.
♪ “Through” by Wheatus ♪
♪ "Fellatio on the 4th of July"
by SomeWhere OutHere ♪
Beth Conner!
What the fuck