Eat My Dust (1976) - full transcript

Darlene's into going fast, Hoover's into Darlene, but when they both get into a red-hot race car, the reckless fun accelerates into a trunk-full of hot pursuits.

(car engine rumbling)

(upbeat country guitar, violin music)

(tires screeching)

(upbeat country guitar, violin music)

(tires screeching)

(brakes skidding)

(cheering)

- [Announcer] Here are
JDD Jake and the friends.

There they go, all hot and bothered.

Now let's see Matt Ribbon
with the black old panther

and our leader Matt Sticka
from back on the river.



But Haynie's Blue is back from the ranks.

(engines rumbling)

And if you're really ready, let it happen!

- Go!

- [Announcer] Oh and
Rupert in there sagging

off the lead from old
spotted Farmer San Tromeno.

Oh no, don't wanna let him
go so easy Jack, oh ho.

- Get your Tweety Birds
here, get Tweety Birds here.

Tweety Birds, get your Tweety Birds here.

- Can I have a Tweety Bird?
- No.

- [Announcer] Happy
Halloween at the first race

session of the Huckleberry
Hodown, there's Bobby River

in that old T-66 in that
double-rumble seater.

It's a seven county scuba
heater, he's the winner



once he lets him overdo
it every Sunday, Monday.

- You see, I said it was too crowded.

Didn't I say it was too crowded?

- You said, you said.

Darlene, sit down so you
won't make a spectacle.

(crowd gasps)

(sirens blaring)

- [Darlene] Oh my God.

- [Announcer] See if there's
any blood on the track.

Don't go away, it looks okay.
- Did you see that?

- I'm not impressed by reckless driving.

(relaxed violin, guitar music)

- Hear that sound, a figure eight.

- Missed call, sound of the midgets.

Figure eight sounds more
like (deep rumbling).

- Seriously Hoover, you're crazy.

- Don't you think we oughta
finish the route first?

I mean my father's in here, you know.

- Yeah, your father argues
with himself in the bathroom.

- About what?
- About peace.

About time, ba-da-flu, let's go buckaroos.

- I don't know how I'm supposed to smuggle

all you clowns in there
without losing this job.

- We are employees of good old Mandolin.

- Yeah well who's gonna believe
a BS story like that, huh?

- Come on, let's boogie.
- Hey, Hoover isn't crazy.

- Yes he is.
- No he's not.

He's just neurotic.

- Yeah yeah yeah, right.

(women whispering, gossiping)

Hey thanks for all your help.

Mandolin's House Service.

- Lallie, Miranda, how you doing?

- [Lallie] Oh, I'm great.

- I think there's a bug going around.

- Hey Jake.
- Your old man's in there.

- Yeah thanks, I already saw him.

(tepid trumpet tones)

- [Announcer] All the rest in that order

and the winner is Harvey
Cornspan in a Datsun.

(crowd cheering)

I see we have Sheriff
Niebold with us today.

- [Deputy] What's the
matter, you smell a suspect?

- Yeah, my son Hoover.

- [Announcer] Bam, fast,
here he comes past our champ

with a sweet bye-and-bye and
still looking for the rest.

The one, the two, the three
bow-winder from Kentucky

are hankering to take
home the bacon today.

All praise to Big Bubba Jones.

Four series, four series.

(tepid trumpet tones)

Keep your trap shut brother or
you'll leave, there they go.

(engines rumbling)

It's best if you get out front.

It's Flapjack Flaps and Bernie Miller

fightin' it out for the lead with little

old Lolita in that fast seven-11 car

and Big Bubba Jones seems to be laying

back and waiting for the
right time to pursue.

(cheering)

That's Bubba moving up to fourth,

he won't make it there for long either.

Heavens folks, they're only in mud.

I think I saw something that looked like

a beer can flying through
the mud spots, friend.

These old boys, there
goes Bubba stealing third.

That was a popular move.

Lucky Lou staring Bubba
Jones down the back.

- Hey Darlene, what you got
inside them short shorts?

- [Hoover] Shut up, stupid.

- Hi Mrs. Kurtz, Mr. Kurt--

- Gross.

- [Announcer] Behind the red sunset

where the wheels are nearly burning

in the burroughs, it's really early

and it's one, two, three, four, five,

five left in the running.

(tires screeching)

And off rolls number five
with the twitch of a bumper.

Big Bubba Jones, Big Bubba Jones.

He's back where he was before

but I just love saying Big Bubba Jones.

There goes the old shark.

Folks says he can beat your draws

if you consider the
inference they're making.

And here we go again, all slap and happy.

All right.

DDT right, speeds down the outside of RCA.

But that's the way it was wrote
on the outhouse wall, Earl.

Bubba's just won money against some of

the best three teams on
the national circuit.

Bubba's just passed Gord Ferry

and he's on his way past number 12.

Oh, they're starting to come in a bit.

- Hoover.

- Hi there, dad.
- Don't you give me that.

- What?

- Did you change the towels
at the Exxon over on Magnolia?

- Yeah yeah, sure.
- What time?

Pay attention to me.

- 8:07.

- Look at me when you're talking to me.

Now what time were you at the Exxon?

- I told you dad, 9:07.
- 9:07, huh?

Well what time did you change

the towels at the Sheriffs Office?

- Between 9:16 and 9:22.

- Oh yeah?

Well how did you get from the Exxon

to the Sheriffs Office in nine minutes

without gettin' a speeding ticket, huh?

(laughs)

What's so funny?

Oh, it just makes me sick to see

grown men laugh at something like that.

You know when you laugh,

it just encourages him
to do more of the same.

How the hell do you expect
to control your kids?

- I don't know Harry, how do you do it?

- Harry, it's your kid.
- You oughta tell us, Harry.

- That's it!

One more word and you're under arrest.

- [Concessionaire] Get your
popcorn right here, here.

- [Announcer] Cords of the
old Long Island Broomsticks

and that goes for the others too.

At 46 years old, Big Bubba
Jones pops back over the hill.

Going through the back like Ex-Lax

and the checkered flag comes
down on Big Bubba Jones.

It was a hard-earned easy

victory for Jones, that good old boy.

- I'm gonna go get a hot dog.

- Darlene?
- What?

- Did you not ask us if we want something?

- Do you want something?
- No thank you.

- Bring me please, and you
see I say please, a box

of buttered popcorn and some
lemonade or something, ya?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

(whistle blowing)

(triumphant trombone music)

- He says he called me Hoover

'cause I put him into a depression.

That's the only funny
thing I ever heard him say.

- Who?
- My father, you know the law.

- Oh, do you go to the ladies john too?

- Oh yeah sure, only
when nobody's looking.

Hey listen, are you still
going with that Harold Bates?

- What's that to you?
- Well,

I was just wondering,
that's all, well I just--

- Hey Hoover.

I've still got those towel
rolls, can I just chuck 'em?

- Yeah sure go ahead, we're done.

Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, I'm sorry.

Hey Miranda, Miranda--
- Could I have a hotdog?

- Did you see Darlene?
- And, let's see.

Oh, a cotton candy and--
- Darlene.

- Two lemon-lime drinks.
- Darlene?

- And wait a minute,
no make that Coke okay?

- Darlene, I was just--
- And I'd like a cotton candy.

- That's it, Hoover.

- Maybe we oughta wait 'til
the line thins out a little.

- Who, me?

- Well yeah, I thought you know, why not?

- A girl's gotta watch out who
she's seen associating with.

- What do you mean?

- You are Hoover Niebold, right?

- Wait a minute.

Just because I got a stupid name,

it doesn't mean I'm not worth going with.

You oughta try me.

I mean look, what do you got to lose?

- My self-respect.
- Yeah, well maybe.

But now listen to this,
you never know right?

I might turn out to be a
very interesting character.

- Would I go out with a
guy whose father's a cop?

- Good point.

Good point, we could
always have him bumped off.

- Hey, you'd do that for me?
- Sure, hell yes.

Well you know, I mean you
know, I didn't mean...

- Look kid, if you're such a novelty,

what makes you so different?

- Well,

I get more speeding tickets
than anybody else in the county

and I can--
- Take me for a ride?

- What?
- Oh, forget it.

- No wait a minute, you said
you wanted to go for a ride.

- Only if you're as
fast as you say you are.

- I am, listen I got my truck
outside, it's right out front.

- Oh really?
- Yeah.

- I offer you the best
chance you've had in

your life and you offer
me a ride in a truck?

- Yeah all right, okay.

Just gimme a minute to think, all right?

- I don't wanna ride in just any car.

I wanna ride in that car.

- [Hoover] Which one?

- That one.

(triumphant trumpet music)

- [Elmer] Perfect.

- Double-D-goddamn right she's perfect.

Cost me my la-la-pa-lamented life savings.

- Yeah, I know.

(light humming)

Throw in another can?
- No, that's fine.

All we have to do is get her

on and off the truck a few times.

Why don't you pack up the spares?

- Okay.

- Pretty, ain't she boy?

- Yeah.

- You're goddamn right she is.

- You still using that
engine from Darlington?

- Hell no, best damn engine
this side of some hubble-

bubble submarine but only if
you use it for just one race.

Yeah, I dropped that one smack

in the middle of the Mississippi.

Anyhow, this new one's better.

Hotter than a yeast in a whorehouse.

Here?

- Yeah, thanks.

You know, I don't know anybody else who

puts everything he wins back into his car.

- Keeps me winning.

Gimme a hand here, will you boy?

- Sure.

Hey, you didn't change
your rear end did you?

I mean it's still 613s right?

- Hey boy, how long you been spying on me?

- Oh no no, I never, see I just read

a lot of stock car and hot
rod magazines and stuff.

I read 'em all.

- Hey boy, those magazines are all

full of bal-double-D-goddamn-loney.

- That's what my father says.
- Yeah, he a driver?

- No.

No he's, he's a Sheriff.

(sputtering, laughing)

- You gonna follow in your
daddy's flip flops, are ya?

- Dick that.

I'm gonna be a race driver.

- Uh-oh, that's what they all say.

Boy, that is what they all say.

You let Big Bubba give
you a piece of advice.

The best way to see a race is from

right up there in them
blankety-blank bleachers.

- [Elmer] Hey Bubba, the truck's broken.

- What say, Elmer?
- The truck's broke.

- Oh shit on a stick.

Here boy hold this, I got more trouble.

(engine revving)

Ah, that's Mabel.

(relaxed ensemble band music)

(screaming)

(engine rumbling)

- [Harry] Hey look!

- That's Hoover Niebold.

(laughs)

- Hey, you did it.
- You know it.

- [Lallie] Hey, what kinda car is that?

- My Lallie's gettin' into that car.

(tires screeching)

(sloppy singing)

- Where are we going?

- Down to the recruiting
station to join the Army.

- I didn't know you had
to bring your own tank.

- Let's cruise the drag.
- Oh no.

Let's go outside town.

(tires screeching)
(car horn honking)

(engine rumbling)

(upbeat country guitar music)

- Uh-oh.
- I smell bacon.

- Well?
- Well can they catch us?

- Yeah, if I run into a wall or something.

- Well then, let us just blow them away.

(police sirens blaring)

(shouting in foreign language)

(police sirens warbling, fluctuating)

♪ Show me where to go home ♪

♪ I'm tired and I wanna go to bed ♪

♪ I had a little drink about an hour ago ♪

♪ And it went right to my head, yo yo yo ♪

♪ Wherever I may roam ♪

♪ Over land or sea or foam ♪

♪ You will always hear
me singing this song ♪

♪ Showing me the way to go home ♪

Take it, Miranda.

- Faster.

Faster.

♪ Show me the way to go home ♪

♪ I'm tired and I wanna go to bed ♪

♪ I had a little drink about an hour ♪

- Faster, faster.

(tires screeching)

(sirens blaring)

- [Townsman] What's wrong with you?

(people shouting, clamoring)

- All right, all right, all right.

All right.

Shut up!

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Shut up!

Now this is the doorbell and those of you

who are personally
involved one at a time may

ring this doorbell and
I will open this door

and I will let you in one at a time.

- All right, I'm first.
- One at a time!

(police radio buzzing, static)

(knocking)

Why the gun?

- It sounds like a lynching.

- Who they gonna lynch?

- I don't know.

Maybe him.

- Whew, how often you change

the double-D-goddamn towels around here?

- Who the hell are you?
- Big Bubba Jones.

What, you wanna make something of it?

- Oh, it was your car that was

taken, right?

- You bet your turned up nose it was.

- [Clark] You watch
your smart mouth, fella.

- You can file a complaint.

Now he will need a complaint form,

that will be CF-70-80-VF-OO-O.

You got that?
- Got it.

- Shit, I don't want no forms,
I just wanna get Mabel back.

- Mabel?

Well he wants Missing Persons,
that's a whole other form.

That's MF-70--

♪ She was only the horseman's daughter ♪

♪ But all the horsemen knew her ♪

- Where do you guys wanna be dropped off?

- Hey, isn't that Junior
Hale's farm we're coming to?

- Yeah, let's pick him
up and give him a ride.

- He's got a busted leg.

- It's good for him.
- No no, stick that.

- Ah, come on Hoover,
we used to go together.

Please, come on.

- [Townsman] Who do you think you are?

- All right, hold it right there!

Not you, dumb-dumb.

- [Harry] Somebody please
shut the goddamn door.

- Oh, I need a drink.
- Got beer in the icebox.

- Oh good honey, would you get me one?

- Do not point the gun at me.

- He is pointing the gun
because he is a policeman.

Do not tell a policeman
not to point a gun.

- Put it down.
- Okay Sheriff where are they?

- Now I know you're all
worried because I am too.

My kid is out there too.

Now what they're doing is
showing off to each other.

Now this is not a theft, it's just an--

- Baloney.

- Now look, when those
kids took that car--

(shouting, overlapping voices)

I told ya outside, I can't
talk to you all at one time.

So if you will just file
into the waiting room,

I will talk to you one at a time.

- Ooh.

Oh.

- Come on.

- Come on Harry, that's no waiting room.

That's a goddamn drunk tank.

- Or you can go home and wait for my call.

(relaxed chiming music)

(woman screams)

- Oh.

Oh, did you do that?

- Is this a crock?

- Puts me in mind of a time,

no, puts me in mind of others.

- Well Harry, I was trying to

apprehend a 603 on Main Street.

He ran two red lights, Harry.

Some kind of a race car
going about 100 miles an hour

and Harry, I lost control
of the cruiser and took out

the whole front wall of Chou
Fong's Chinese Restaurant.

- Did you happen to get a look

at the number on the side of the car?

- I didn't see the side of the car,

no much of the ass end either.

- All units, this is Harry to all units.

Be on the lookout for an orange two-door

sedan with a large
number eight on the side.

Now this is a competition

stock car and it's very, very fast.

You are to apprehend
without aggressive action

and that means no shooting,
I repeat no shooting.

This is just a bunch of kids out

screwing around and
they are not dangerous.

(woman screams)

They are not dangerous.

(upbeat country guitar music)

(tires screeching)

♪ I'd rather pitch hay than woo ♪

♪ I'd rather fork straw than ♪

♪ Boo boo ♪

(engine rumbling)

- Hey gang, what's happened?
- Come on down, go for a ride.

- Nah I can't, I gotta stay in bed.

- Hi Junior.

- [Junior] Be right down.

- [Lallie] Hey, don't
run away from us Junior.

- [Darlene] We need you.

- And what's the shotgun for?
- It's pheasant season.

- Come on in.
- Wheel him around here.

- Hi Darlene, I really missed you.

- [Darlene] I missed
you too, you old buck.

- We got no time for
pheasant hunting, you know.

- [Junior] Ow, my leg!

- Hey!

What the hell's going on over there?

- [Junior] Knock it off, come on get off.

Ow, my leg.

- Yikes, the law.
- Come on, Darlene.

(engine rumbling)

(shouting, stuttering)

(tires screeching)

- [Jerry] Deputy Gallo to Chief Niebold.

- Go ahead Jerry, where are you?

- I'm relaxing in a mud bath
out on Farmer Hale's ranch.

- [Hale] And it'll cost you through

the nose to fix it you flat-foot bastard!

(upbeat country guitar music)

- Hey peg-leg, bet you don't
know where we got this car.

- Ah sure I do, you
stole it from Big Bubba

Jones in front of 2,000
people, man you're famous.

- Yeah, what rhymes with pluck?

- Shuck.
- Shuck.

- Hey, how'd you know about us anyway?

- It's all over the radio.

I heard it on KDDT not
more than 20 minutes ago.

Look out.

(gunshot booms)

Just missed the son of a bitch.

- We need a radio.
- Yeah Hoov,

you got a radio in this vehicle?

- No, there's just an
intercom so the pits can talk.

- I have a radio.
- Where?

- Where?
- Ouch.

Don't do that in front everyone, at home.

A bunch of retardos.
- Let's go back and get it.

- Oh yeah sure, go back to town, right.

- No one's gonna look for us there.

- Yeah, they won't look there.

- All the cops are out
here looking for us.

Who votes to go back?
- I do.

- I do, okay it's unanimous.
- That may be but I'm driving.

- Billy B. can drive, can't you?

- Sure can.

- Okay, all right, we'll go
back and get the stupid radio.

- Okay Junior, I don't want you

to read this until you get home.

- Okay.
- It's personal.

- Come on.

(screams)

(upbeat country guitar, violin music)

- Morning, Mr. Lewis.
- Oh, oh.

Who's car?
- It's my mom's.

- Oh, what are you doing out here?

- Well we're taking a ride,
why don't you come on in?

- [Mr. Lewis] Oh no no,
I live right over here.

I don't have time, what
are you doing with--

- Jeez.

- It's the only extra
time I get, I only live,

what are you doing, gimme the groceries.

- Give him a lift.

- [Mr. Lewis] I live right
over here, I don't have time.

- Uh-oh, shit.

♪ There's a-whiskey and
blood on the pavement ♪

- Hey look, either get
in or get out fast, huh?

(train bell ringing)

(humming "Working on the Railroad")

- Hey, what are you doing in that car?

(upbeat country guitar, violin music)

- Help, help.

- Help, help.
(gunshot booms)

- Help.
(laughing)

Let me outta here.

Let me outta here.

You're all insane.

- [Deputy] No license
plates, no tail lights,

proceeding south on
D-Five, fired a shotgun.

- Help.

Help.

(shotgun booms)
- Let me outta here.

- Wait, Hoover.

- [Deputy] Hold it, they're
turning into a field.

Should've brought the dune buggy.

Oh shit.

(upbeat country guitar, violin music)

- [Darlene] We're making
our own dust storm.

- [Billy] Man, is he gettin' a mouthful.

(rattling)

- Yeah, you chill buddy.
- Hoover, you're outrageous.

- Watch this.

(tires screeching)

Dude, I hope we didn't kill him.

- [Lallie] Hey, you're not gettin' out.

- He might be on fire or something.

- I am going senile, my
heart, I'm going senile.

- It's okay pop, it's all right.

- I'm going, I'm going.
- It's okay.

- [Mr. Lewis] I'm going.

- It's his own fault for tailgating.

- [Billy] Old Man Lewis, get
your foot outta my mouth.

Get your foot outta my face.

- I'm gettin' senile.

(Mr. Lewis singing)

- [Deputy] And my present
position precludes

presumption of hot
pursuit until I am removed

by extraneous means from
the inverted condition.

The suspects are free and
away and if you want to

catch them, I suggest you call
the Strategic Air Command.

- [Mr. Lewis] Do da.

Do da day.

Do da day.

- Harry,

that's old Mrs. Lewis out on 53.

She says the kids have
kidnapped her husband.

- Holy Christ.

- Clark, is this all we've got?

- Well you can always quit.

(upbeat country harmonica, guitar music)

- Tell those people in
the drunk tank to please

be patient and I'll be the first one down.

- This old bastard's under
arrest for assaulting an officer.

- And this flat-wit and them kids

wrecked my whole farm in about 15 seconds

and wouldn't do a damn thing about it.

- Hey, don't blame that on me.

Some kid who looked a
lot like Hoover, Harry,

went through that place
like a bomb on wheels.

All I was trying to do
was keep up with him.

Then this hayseed--
- All right, all right.

We'll take care of it later.

Now if you don't mind Mr. Hale
waiting in the VIP lounge,

I'll be with you shortly.

- I expect to get my just desserts.

- Right.

Why be different?

- No kidding Harry,
they wrecked everything.

They went through fences,

chicken coups, cow barns, everything.

- Oh, put it in your report,
I don't want to hear anymore.

- You'll do.

- But I'm most upset because
it's my daughter's reputation.

- Mm, a pearl beyond price.

- Price, what price?

- Reputation, I had one once.

- Don't worry, you've got one now.

- Oh, I don't like veiled insinuations.

- Why should I care about your religion

when my daughter is
maybe getting murdered?

- I'd say she brought it on herself.

They always do.

- Now hold on a minute, how
much damage was done to the car?

- Well we're gonna have to pull
it apart to get the mud out.

Even my guns were jammed.

- Not your car BB brain, mine.

- Well what are you asking me for?

- Well it was my car you was chasing.

- Oh yeah, you're under arrest.

- Will you knock it off?

♪ Camptown crazies, sing
this song, doo da, doo da ♪

♪ Camptown crazies, five day
long, all the doo da day ♪

♪ Doo da, doo da ♪

(police sirens blaring)

- Ah, look out.

(groaning)

- You know you are.
- Will you knock it off?

Here.
- Let me have it.

- [Hoover] I'm driving, I'm driving.

♪ 99 bottles of beer on the
wall, 99 bottles of beer ♪

♪ You take one down and pass it around ♪

(laughs)

(drunken slurred singing)

♪ 98 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

We've been on 98.

(relaxed classical violin music)

(drunken singing)

- Do you remember that old song, Chloe?

- [Chloe] Yes Bruno, I think I do.

♪ Oh, oh no don't say ♪

♪ I'm in the way ♪

♪ I'll gladly pay to stay away from you ♪

- [Chloe] Bruno, we seem to
have company, who are they?

- Yes.
- Yes what?

- Yes, we seem to have company.

Chloe, it looks like a bunch of kids.

- Must be some of
Miranda's little friends.

- [Junior] Ow, will you
knock it off, my leg hurts.

Ah, come on George.

Ah god, oh come on man.

- Oh no, I've got a rough
elbow, oh don't look.

Women over 30 have the ugliest

elbows in the world, don't you think?

- Uh-huh.

- I'm gonna have to stop at a drugstore

and get something to make me smooth again.

- Hello puddycat, you're home early.

- [Miranda] Yeah, we came
by to pick up my radio.

- That's nice.

- Hello Georgie, would you and your

little friends like some
lemonade and cookies?

- Sure.
- Yeah, why not?

- You know this ride's gettin'
to be kind of a bummer.

- What do you mean, what's wrong?

Are you afraid of what's gonna

happen to you when we get back?

- No.

This whole thing would
be a lot more fun if we

could get rid of these
jokers in the back, you know?

- Uh-huh, what for?

You'll still have to keep
your hands on the wheel.

- That's not what I mean.

They're just slowing us
down, I mean all this

extra weight in the back
is just slowing us down.

- Yeah.

- Where are you going?
- You'll see.

- Ever mix lemonade and beer, it's great.

- It is Mr. and Mrs. Smith, ain't it?

- Hey, let's not hang around.
- Thanks.

- You burp, Mrs. Smith?
- Don't be gross.

- [Chloe] I'll just pop in

and get you some lemonade and cookies.

- [George] Thank you, Mrs. Smith.

- Okay hot shot, we're light.

- Well all right.

(engine rumbling)

(relaxed country guitar, violin music)

(tires screeching)

(police sirens blaring)

You see, you feel how she
moves, you feel how light?

(relaxed country guitar, violin music)

(clattering)

Here we go again.
- Here we go again.

- Groovy?
- I love it.

- [Deputy] Pull over.

Pull over, Hoover.

(crashing)

- Boy, is my old man gonna be pissed.

- Don't they ever give up?

(upbeat country guitar, violin music)

(tires screeching)

They almost wiped each other out.

(sirens blaring)

(horns honking)

They wiped each other out.

- Here, lemme give you a hand Mr. Lewis.

There we go.

- The water's cold this time of year.

- Hey, that's 7.50 right?
- Oh, that's correct.

And here is $10, you may
retain the difference.

- Maybelline, I can't find the church key.

- Mr. Lewis, Mr. Lewis, this way sir.

- Oh, shove off will ya?

I can find the freeway myself.

- Steady sir, there's no need for alarm

when subjected to police protection.

- Two cha cha, oh boy.

I live right over there over at the tracks

right at that little house over there.

- A natural mistake, this
is where I hang my hat.

In this structure all may seem

safe and warm, served and protected.

- [Mr. Lewis] Yeah well I
prefer the smell of a bakery.

I prefer the smell of a bakery.

Hello Uncle Dick, what time
does the balloon go up?

- Easy there Mr. Lewis,
you're in competent hands now.

- I see you ran into the kids.

- The suspect reversed his direction

and accelerated directly towards me.

Forced to take evasive action,
I swerved and inadvertently

inverted my vehicle into
a drainage ditch, Harry.

- Of course.

Now what can I do for you, sir?

- I am Mr. Chou Lick, Attorney-at-Law.

I represent Mr. Chou Long
and in an entirely separate

action against the identical
miscreant, Mr. Chou Fong.

- I see.

- He must be talkin' about Hoover.

- If you don't mind
waiting in the other room,

I'll be able to give you my full

attention in just a
few minutes, all right?

- I thank you, sir.
- This way, gentlemen.

Immediate seating on the floor.

- Is this the way?

There must be some way outta this place.

- Would you like for
me to handle that, sir?

- [Mr. Lewis] Oh I don't care, thank you.

- Sheriff,

I got an idea.

- Save it.

- Welcome to the Puckerbush Country Club.

- Dorothy Kurtz, what are you doing here?

- My god, you too?
- Excuse me, sir.

Please don't annoy the female prisoner--

- [Dorrit] Clark!

- Other parents.
- Thank you.

- Right in here sir, just relax
and make yourself at home.

- Ah Mr. Chou Lick, why don't you come in

and sit down and play a hand of poker?

They say it winds away the time.

- Poker?

Well I don't usually indulge

but if that's the only action going,

I just might try my luck.

- Come on, we got a
seat right here for you.

- [Chou] Thank you, sir.

(relaxed guitar music)

- [Harry] Previous
appraisal of the situation

to wit that the driver of
the car is not dangerous

must be regarded as a
slight miscalculation.

♪ As I walked out in
the streets of Laredo ♪

♪ As I walked out in Laredo one day ♪

♪ I spied a young cowboy
all dressed in white ♪

(engine rumbling)

(tires screeching)

(gunshot booms)

(relaxed violin, guitar music)

- We're outta gas.

- So what, Hoover?

- Uh-huh.

- You are kidding, aren't you?

- Oh, uh-huh, yeah.

- Out of gas?

- Well,

yeah.

Yeah but listen you know...

(distant dog barking)

(relaxed guitar, violin music)

- [Darlene] Where's the
nearest gas station?

- [Hoover] Farwell's Corner, about two

miles on the other side of those woods.

- [Darlene] You're screwed, Hoover.

- [Hoover] Oh no, no we're not, it's cool.

Hey, you see those three
water tanks down there?

That's GI Jackson's farm,
he's this flipped out

dude who shoots at
anybody who comes close.

- [Darlene] Yeah, so what?

- [Hoover] And I see a
white house down there

with a green barn and a
bunch of oranges around it.

- Yeah, that's Marilyn Becker's house.

They're in Honolulu.

- Honolulu?

- Yeah I think there's somebody
who looks after the animals.

(relaxed guitar, violin music)

(horse neighing)

- [Hoover] Is there anybody around?

- [Darlene] No, but I found the key.

- Oh bitching, we could go
take a look around the house.

- You know the thing I
always hated about cars

is they're gorgeous on
the outside but they're

so ugly and dirty under
the hood, you know?

Hey, what's that?
- Oh, it's just a Surrey.

- Where's the fringe on top?

- I don't know, I guess they blew it.

- Do you know how to
hook it up and drive it?

- It's got wheels, doesn't it?

- Whoa.

- I thought we might hitch it
up and go get some gas later.

You know, after we looked
around inside the house.

- Yeah this is perfect, I'll look around

the house while you get some gas, okay?

- Why can't we go together?

- The caretaker might come and catch us.

- Don't you wanna go together?

- I could get another one.
- Forget it, I got plenty.

I'm sorry listen, why
don't you jump up here

and we'll take a ride through the orchard?

- No.
- It'd be really nice.

We'll go into the woods.

I'd really like you to
come with me, Darlene.

- It's too slow, it'd drive me crazy.

Bye bye and hurry up.

I feel like Goldilocks.

- Watch out for the three bears.

- [Deputy] We're covered the
south section every which way.

No place they could've gone out here.

Looks like they've gone to ground, over.

- Come one, come all.

We haven't had this much action
since Dickey quit the force.

Move it men, move it.

- And out.

- Shit on a twisted stick Sheriff,

there ain't nothin' else you can do.

- Gallo, call KDDT and get me a patcher.

- How soon do you want it, Harry?

- Right now for Christ's sake.

- You've got two funky
junky cars left, Harry.

Now I can get you eight.

They may not be as fast as Mabel but

they can catch that
lickety-split son of yours.

- Now you just forget it.

Hey, how much gas did Mabel
have in her tank anyway?

- Five gallon.

- This is Jerry Gallo over
at the Sheriffs Office.

Let me speak to Charlie.

- All units, this is Harry to all units.

- Hey Charlie, we've got a flat
for you, yeah I'll hold on.

- Listen, I've got a hunch.

I think the kids have run out of gas.

So I want you to check
all the filling stations,

see if they've been in there
and if they do come in,

tell 'em to call me
right away, over and out.

- You ain't gonna catch 'em, Harry.

- You stop calling me Harry.
- 10 seconds, Harry.

- [Townsman] Hey, you guys
wanna play some poker?

What was that?

- [Radio Reporter] Stand
by for a bulletin from

the Sheriff of Puckerbush
County, Harry Niebold.

- [Harry] I'm addressing this ultimatum to

Hoover Niebold, no son of
mine whom it seems has seen

fit to abscond with and is
currently in possession--

Hoover, if you can hear
me I want to let you

know just a few of the
charges that have so far--

- We ain't got no oats.

- [Hoover] I wanna fill
up these milk cans.

- What cha gonna do, feed
it to the pigs and chickens?

- No, my grandma drinks it.
- Destruction of patrol car--

- Well do you want regular
lead, regular no lead,

ethyl lead or ethyl no lead?

Or Ethyl Nordock?

Ethyl Nordock was my Bible teacher.

- Oh,

ethyl lead.
- Okay.

But nobody ever fall her.

- [Harry] Patrol car 36
down, patrol car 56 down.

One ambulance, 69,000.

Shock and injury to one patient.

Malicious destruction of the Hale Farm.

- You all right?
- Hey Deputy.

- You seen any sign of a stock car?

A pumpkin colored thing with a big

number eight painted on the side.

- I never seen no race.

- The driver's a big bony
kid with a real dumb face

and he's wearing a blue
windbreaker with hot rod

patches all over it and a
Civil War toy soldier hat.

- [Harry] These crimes
out of common criminal--

- No, never seen anybody
like that in my whole life.

- He's got a girl with him,

kind of a sensuous number
in yellow hot pants.

- [Harry] Before it starts.

- Well if you see him or if
he comes in here for gas,

you call the Sheriffs
Office right away, you hear?

- I surely will, especially
if I see that there girl.

- [Deputy] All right, Roy.

- [Harry] In carefree disregard
of life, limb or property.

Too late, I should've--

- Nice day, huh?
- Never taught you to drive.

Then I should've had you
committed to a muddy camp

so that your foot could
never touch a pedal

or your hand a gear shift knob.

- Well I wouldn't go to State.

- Yeah, the basketball team's too short.

- I don't care about that.

It's just that you're not
allowed to have roommates,

of the opposite sex I mean.

- Yes you can.
- No you can't.

- Well, it's 86% male at State.

- Yeah but they all look like deuce.

- Who cares what they look like?

It's the action that counts.
- I care what they look like.

I want nothing but the best,
the creme de la creeps right?

- Then how come you're going with Hoover?

- Going with Hoover?

You want my breakfast over the phone.

- No thanks.

- I'm not going with Hoover.

He's just taking me for a little ride.

- Or vicey-versey, which is worsey.

- Mercy, mercy.

Look, have you seen your folks yet?

- [Harry] And feeding it, still connected

to your worthless guts
to Mrs. Kimberley's cats.

How's that?
- Damn fine, Harry.

- Great!

- You don't think I was too
rough or anything, now do you?

- No, no.

- You were what was called cool.

- [Harry] Good, and you think
it'll bring him in right?

- No.

- You want me to call the boys, Harry?

- Yeah.

(horse neighing)

- $32.68.

- Yeah.

Listen, you know I think
I might have the 68 cents.

Have you got a pen there?
- Yeah.

I think so.

- Yeah, 50, 55, right.

Listen, you got a 20?
- We'll see.

One, two, yeah.

Two 10s, three 10s.
- Yeah.

- 10,

20,

here.

30.
- Right.

Okay so, yeah here's the two dollars

and 68 cents.

- Get on ahead.

Take it easy buddy.
- Yeah, same to you.

- Yeah well we the onliest ones to do it.

Okay, see you in about
10 minutes, hold on.

- Are you sure you know
what you're gonna say?

- Yeah, I think so.

- All right, you push
that button right there.

- You must forgive Dorrit,
she's a little nervous.

It's her first time in
the Sheriff's Office.

- Hello, hello Darlene?
- You tell him I will buy him

all the beer he will drink after we

catch them double-goddamn kids, all right?

- Yoo hoo Darlene, are you there?

- [Dorrit] This is on the
radio, your mama and papa.

- [Willie] we want for you to know we

love you and want for you to come home.

- [Dorrit] Ya, right away now.

- [Willie] Otherwise
we think that maybe you

don't love and what
we're trying to tell you.

- [Dorrit] You wouldn't forget that we

always give up our own pleasure so that--

(upbeat country guitar music)

- [Horsewoman] Wow, baby.

- [Driver] Woo hoo, yeah ha ha.

Come on man.
- Bye.

(relaxed guitar music)

- It's all right, it's all right, yahoo!

- Out of our way, fellas.
- They're coming.

- [Driver] We're gonna catch
them, don't worry about it.

- Chief sir, they all look drunk.

- We'll book 'em for it later.

- They all drive better drunk anyway.

- All right, let's move it out.

Well move for Christ sakes!

- This vehicle does not seem to

possess a functioning door handle.

- What does it seem to possess?

- Woo wee, I guess I'll loop
the boop with the troop.

- Oh my god.

- Don't come back without 'em.
- Don't come back!

- You all had better come back.

- Did you do that?

- What?

- You touched me upon the posterior.

- Beep beep.
- William,

come back here you goddamn miscreant.

- [Clark] I'll hold the fort.

(hooves clattering)

(relaxed violin, guitar music)

- Put the gas in the tank first.

(horse neighing)

You know the funny thing is
I never liked Marilyn Becker.

- [Hoover] Well we'll have
to thank her sometime.

- Yeah.
- If we ever have a chance.

- What do you mean?

- [Hoover] Didn't you hear
my father on the radio?

- Oh yeah, he's gonna eat
your liver or something right?

- Yeah, feed it to the cats.

But really it's just all the
charges against us, I mean

if they ever catch us we're gonna

go to jail for about 1,000 years.

- Oh, really?

- [Hoover] So,

I don't know if we're ever
gonna be able to go back.

Did you hear what I said?

I said we wouldn't be able to go back.

- I don't care, I don't want to.

I want to go on forever.

- Well,

I guess it's just you and me, Darlene.

I don't know what's gonna happen.

I guess you'd rather
be with somebody else.

I mean I got these ears.

My father makes me keep
my hair all chopped off.

I could let it grow now.

But you probably wouldn't want...

Oh oh, Darlene.
- Hi.

(rooster crowing)

(up tempo scratching electronic tones)

(engines rumbling)

(light up tempo drumbeat)

- Well baby, they're closing in.

- Yeah, we better split.
- Right away?

- Well, pretty soon.

(metallic clattering)

- [Deputy] I don't think I like this.

- We just gonna walk into GI Jackson's?

- Why not, he won't shoot the Sheriff,

or you.

(gunfire clattering)

- [Darlene] Okay, which
one do you like huh?

- Well--
- This one or this one?

- Yeah, just put
something on, we gotta go.

- Don't you even care what I look like?

- You look fine, let's get going.

- Okay then I'll go the way I am.

- Will you come on?

(anxious light up tempo drumbeat)

- That sure is some flat.

- I'm gonna put the collar on you,

I'm gonna put the collar on you for

drunk driving, you
pathetic son of a bitch.

- [Bud] That sure is some flat.

- Well change it, there's
a spare right here.

- I'm sorry old buddy,

my tools are on the truck.

Maybe there's some there
in that stable, stable.

Hey Chris.
- What?

- It's Mabel.

(anxious low violin, guitar music)

- Stay right here.

- What was I looking for?

That's it, beer.

- There's good news tonight,

calling Sheriff Niebold, come in.

Come in, Harry.
- Will you get outta the road?

- [Chris] I found it
Harry, I found the car.

- Keep your hands to yourself.
- That wasn't me.

- Well where are the kids?
- I don't know, didn't see em.

- [Harry] Why'd you
leave the car unguarded?

- Bud's watching it
and I came to find you.

- Oh get it, get in.
- Follow me, right this way.

(up tempo anxious violin, guitar music)

- What the hell is that?

- [Chris] It's the car, Harry.

(engine rumbling)

- Hoover!
- Hi dad!

- Bye bye, dad.

(gunshot booms)
(shouting)

- What happened?
- Ah, shut up.

Come on in.

(anxious mid tempo violin, guitar music)

(gunshot booms)

- Macho gun, Bob.

- Turn that thing up for a minute.

- What is it?

- Racers intercom, I
thought I heard something.

- I heard a shot.

(anxious mid tempo guitar, violin music)

You're gettin' on there
old buddy, that's good.

- Hey, could I talk to the
other drivers on this thing?

- Sure, all you gotta do is
push that button on the wheel.

- Okay, as soon as I think
about something to say.

- Hi fellas.
- Hey yourself.

(chattering, overlapping voices)

(engine rumbling)

- Give me the goddamn
beer for Christ's sake.

- [Deputy] Hey, that's littering.

- That's code 13 of
Municipal Code Disposal--

- Oh, will you shut up for Christ's sake?

Push that button down.
- Push that button down.

(drunken singing)

- How the hell did I end up with you?

Shut up, you're on duty.

(up tempo country guitar, violin music)

(laughing)

(engine rumbling)

- Oh my god.

This is really,

jeez.

(up tempo country guitar, violin music)

- Hail six Bubba, kid wanna talk to you.

Gee, I just want to say
bring this car back in one

piece and I won't bust none
of your bones now, you hear?

- Stick it in your ear.

- [Harry] Hoover, can you hear me?

- I hear you pappy but
I can't quite reach you.

(tires screeching)

(up tempo guitar, violin music)

- Oh my god, my back.

(engines rumbling)

Keep up with him.

- [Deputy] I hesitate
to bring this to your

attention Sheriff but
couldn't this vehicle

contain an illegal number of passengers?

- What's so goddamn funny, come on now.

Pay attention to what you're doing.

Hey, you wanna pay attention
to what you're doing?

- [Driver] We gotta get somebody up

alongside so somebody can cut underneath

and somebody can cut
the son of a bitch off.

- [Driver] Shit we got him now,

there ain't no way off this road.

- [Driver] Looks like he's
moving pretty fast to me.

- [Driver] I hope I don't
see any oncoming traffic.

- That boy is in big
trouble, I'll tell ya that.

I've got news for you, when this is over,

I'm gonna have a whole bunch
of new Deputies, a whole bunch.

- [Driver] Who are you
racing with, him or me?

- [Driver] Oh, I shouldn't
have had that last beer.

- [Driver] I wish I'd had another one.

- [Driver] I wish you'd get your

beer can out from under my feet.

It's stuck.

(engine rumbling)

- [Bubba] Let me give you some advice.

Boy, you ain't got a
double-D-goddamn chance

against these old boys,
why don't you just give up?

- Ask my father.

- [Bubba] What in holy hollerin'
hell he got to do with it?

- Oh nothing, he just wants
to send me to jail for life,

fine me a million dollars
and feed my guts to the cats.

- [Bubba] Oh, he wouldn't do that.

No, I'll eat 'em myself.

- All right, you boys keep--
- Goddamn kid.

Okay, I think you got him now.

Now you just do what I say.

Hey yeah, here he comes.

Just stay in there next to the birch.

Go ahead.

- Won't he try and go high

and nick under me when I come out of it?

- Oh shit no boy, he ain't got the poop.

(engine rumbling)

- Thanks a heap.

- Wait.
(tires screeching)

Put it in reverse.

- [Driver] Did you see that?

- [Driver] Shit, this is really bad.

- [Driver] By god, did you see that?

- [Darlene] Oh no, no.

Oh no.

- Woo, that feels good.

- Hoover, hear me now,
the only reason you won't

give yourself up is 'cause
you're scared of me.

- No, just what you said
you were gonna to do me.

- Oh Jesus Christ,
don't you have any guts?

- Yeah and I wanna keep 'em.

So much goddamn water.

(up tempo guitar, violin music)

(engine rumbling)

(light up tempo drumbeat)

(high-pitched whistling)

- Where's he going?

Don't go up there, son.

Mabel can't make it.
- She's trying.

- Have a beer.

(up tempo guitar, violin music)

- Watch that curve, watch that curve.

(tires screeching)

- [Driver] Where the hell
do they think they're going?

- This is so bitching.

- Hey kid take it easy, they
think they're coming on us.

- You can always get out.

- We'll get 'em scared shitless.

- Yeah, he's gonna kill
himself and us too.

Hoover, this is your father speaking

in the capacity of the Sheriff.

♪ I shot the Sheriff ♪

- I'm all ears.

- We're gonna have you
boxed in in just a minute.

Now it's gonna hit the
fan and you better give

yourself up now and make
it easier on yourself.

- What about the kids?
- You're stalling.

- What about Darlene?

- Oh for Christ's sake,
what have you done to her?

- Nothing you didn't teach me, dad.

(up tempo country guitar music)

- Oh god.
- Right there!

- They got us.

- Well go over the cliff.

- [Harry] Just slow 'em down and stop 'em.

- We'd probably get killed.
- I thought you loved me.

- You wanna give 'em a ticket?
- No.

I want to give you a concussion.

- You mean if I love you, I'll go over

the cliff and make sure
you don't get killed?

- Well do you think you can do it?

- You're not stopping.
- No, I'm holy.

- Well I guess if you don't get killed,

we won't, will we bud?

- Ah shit.

Get out the car.

- Hang onto your hat.
- I haven't got a hat.

- [Hoover] Well hang onto something.

(Darlene screams)

- Oh Jesus Christ, that'll kill them.

- All right.

All right.

(shouting)

(groaning)

(high-pitched screaming)

- [Driver] Oh no, no.

(tires screeching)

- [Driver] Yahoo!

Ha ha!

- My god, I killed 'em.

- All right, Hoover.

Let's talk.

- [Deputy] Get your boot out of my face.

- What's the deal?

- I don't know.

Say two years and 80% of your salary

until everything is paid for.

(drivers, deputies groaning)

- Okay Mabel, let's see
if you still got it.

(engine rumbling)
- Oh no, not again.

- [Driver] Come on, gimme
a push with that car.

- [Harry] All right son,
this is my final offer.

Probation and 30% of your salary.

If I tried to do any more
than that, I'd have to resign.

- [Deputy] Oh, you'll have
to resign anyway Harry.

- Yeah, the jig's up.
- Oh yeah, you're finished.

- Shut up, will ya?
- 30% of what?

- [Deputy] Yeah, who'd
give that punk a job?

- I wouldn't.
- That's it shithead.

You're fired.
- You can't fire us.

We quit.
- We quit.

- [Bubba] Shoot Sheriff, the kid's won.

He could get a ride on any Double-D-

goddamn short track in the country.

(relaxed guitar music)

- [Hoover] Is the ride over?

- [Darlene] That's up to you.

(townsfolk shouting)

- [Townsman] Where are you going?

Come back here.

Hoover!

- Hey, you made it.

- [Townswoman] Where are they going?

No, no, where are they going?

- [Townsman] Stay right here, you hear me?

Stay here.

Do not go over there.

(relaxed guitar, violin music)

(kids cheering)

(dog barking)

(relaxed guitar, violin music)

- Not bad.
- Yeah.

It looks different at night.

Spooky.

- Yeah.

Well it's supposed to be.

I mean it's Halloween you know.

- Help me out.

Thanks Hoover, it was a trip.

Bye.

- Hey you know, I'm letting it grow.

- What?
- My hair.

It's getting longer
already, I can feel it.

- You shouldn't bother.
- Why not?

- Like you said Hoover, the ride's over.

Goodnight.

- It wasn't me at all, was it?

It was just

the car.

- Boy.

Now that ain't no way to treat a lady.

Get in.

This side, boy.

Well, start her up.

(engine rumbling)

Take her out on the track.

(tires screeching)

(up tempo guitar, violin music)

(up tempo guitar, violin music)

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