Easy Virtue (2008) - full transcript

(MAD ABOUT THE BOY PLAYING)

♪ I'm mad about the boy

♪ I know it's stupid to be mad

♪ About the boy

♪ I'm so ashamed of it

♪ But must admit the
sleepless nights I've had

♪ About the boy

♪ On the silver screen

♪ He melts my foolish heart
in every single scene

♪ Although I'm quite aware

♪ That here and there
are traces of the cad



♪ About the boy

♪ Lord knows
I'm not a fool girl

♪ I really shouldn't care

♪ Lord knows
I'm not a schoolgirl

♪ In the flurry of her first

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ Affair

♪ Will it ever cloy

♪ This odd diversity
of misery and joy

♪ I'm feeling quite insane
and young again

♪ And all because
I'm mad about the boy

♪ I'm feeling quite insane
and young again

♪ And all because

♪ I'm mad



♪ About the boy ♪

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

HILDA: She's the
first lady racer?

But she didn't
actually win.

She crossed the line first.
It's so exciting.

Not nearly as exciting
as crossing your mother.

Oh! I think we can
all ignore that.

Oh, what is that man doing?

Jackson!

JACKSON: Madam? MRS.
WHITTAKER: What did I tell you?

Get the camellias
out of the rain

and put them by the front
door before the guests arrive.

Furber.
FURBER: Madam?

Salvage any of Jackson's appalling
pruning and send it to Mrs. Holborough,

who's kindly offered up a leg
of mutton for tonight's dinner.

Which you'll go
and fetch, Marion.

But, Mother, Reverend Burton
has asked me to drain the font.

My hands
are clearly full.

I'll go.

(DOG BARKING)

Uncle George has posted

the most grisly clippings of
the Valentine's Day Massacre!

Hilda.
HILDA: Seven terrified men

cut down in a hail
of automatic gunfire!

Made worse by the strays that
came to lap the curdled blood.

(SIGHS) Hilda!

The Devil Dogs!
The Hounds of Hell!

The leg of lamb!

Now.

Why we try and marry her off to gentry,
when plainly she'd prefer an undertaker.

Seating.

I'm putting Sarah on your left
and Phillip on your right,

so please try and make
an effort to be civil.

Right.

I shall go and brush up
on my very small talk.

MARION: It might be
an awkward meal.

For all we know, Sarah's
grazing in greener pastures.

(LAUGHS)

Whilst your brother sows his wild oats
in the South of France with his floozy.

No. We'll keep the home fires burning
until his highness wanders home.

Like Father did.

Yes, like Father did.

(GRUNTING)

I've got news,
everybody!

You all right, sir?

No. Are you?

Coping, sir.

Hear, hear.
Well done.

Well done. They look like they're
waiting for a firing squad.

Can't you make them
more relaxed?

Last meal
and a cigarette, perhaps?

I can't believe it.
You'll never guess.

Houdini escaped the Chinese water
torture, only to die of a burst appendix.

How ghastly!

Oh, and Mother's
got a telegram.

"Mr. And Mrs. Whittaker."
Your mother.

What's it say, Father?

Perhaps your mother
should read this first.

(MRS. WHITTAKER GROANING)

That stupid, stupid,
stupid boy!

What's happened?
HILDA: Has there been an accident?

(STAMMERS) It's John,
he's married that...

Francophile?

(CONTINUES STAMMERING)

Photographer?

Pharmacist?

And why
are you smirking?

Deploying a smile, dear. One member
of this family may actually be happy.

Don't be absurd. We don't
know anything about this woman.

(SIGHS)
Furber!

Furber!

(RIPPING)
(GASPS) Oh, not again!

FURBER: Madam.

(CHUCKLING)
Lord have mercy.

Mr. John is coming home
with his... With his wife.

Yes. Their bags have just
arrived. Congratulations, madam.

I'll be the judge of that.
You can clear up this mess

and get Cook
to send up a ham.

This was sent from Dover.
They'll be halfway here.

Yes, chop chop, Furber. Go
and dress the mutton as ham.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Very sharp, Jim.
Don't cut yourself.

HILDA: John married
the floozy. How exciting!

♪ A room with
a view and you

♪ And no one to worry us

♪ This dream we found ♪

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

There she blows.
Behold the country cottage.

Oh, Lord.
It's enormous.

So I lied about gingerbread
hedges and obese little children.

How hard to swim
is the moat?

Smoke and mirrors, darling.
Smoke and mirrors.

By the by, smoking, don't.
Apparently, it wilts the azaleas.

That makes no sense.
Speak English.

All will be revealed,
darling.

(EXCLAIMS)

LARITA: Oh, give me back the wheel of my
car. I'm going back to Detroit.

(GASPS)

How romantic!
Here they come! Oh! Furber!

Mr. John and his wife
are about to arrive.

I can't see them.

Your tunnel vision.

(EXCLAIMS)

Smile, Marion. I don't
feel like smiling.

You're English, dear.
Fake it.

(DOG BARKING)

MR. WHITTAKER: The prodigal son returns
in a blaze of gravel.

Father! You shaved.

Hilda.
FURBER: Welcome, madam.

JOHN: Hilda,
you do look gorgeous.

(LAUGHING)

It's so lovely
to see you.

(LAUGHING)

Oh! Darling. Sorry, sorry.

Mother,
this is my wife, Larita.

Mrs. Whittaker,
the pleasure is all mine.

You're American.

MR. WHITTAKER:
And very welcome.

Jim Whittaker.
JOHN: Lari, this is my father.

I fought alongside many
of your countrymen, Larita,

and I must say it's an honor
to have a comrade in the family.

Thank you. I do hope
I'm not a disappointment.

Far from it.
And my two little blisters.

Hilda and Marion.

Aren't you the woman
who won the Grand Prix?

Yes. First place,
before disqualification.

Apparently, you need chest
hair to change gears in Monaco.

(HILDA AND MARION CHUCKLING)

I saw you in the paper. I cut
your head out. I could just die!

(HILDA AND MARION CHUCKLING)

Furber, that suitcase to the
drawing room and do be careful.

Marion. Golly, you're not
a bit like what we imagined.

Someone older, I expect.
Awfully sorry about that.

MR. WHITTAKER: Before the frostbite
sets in...

Yes. I'm so looking forward to getting
acquainted with the mother of my Panda.

You'll find me quite
uncomplicated, I'm afraid.

Oh! What are you doing?

Carrying you over
the finish line.

Oh!

Venus de Milo,
meet my Venus Detroit.

Hello.

Mother's turned our old
nursery into a boudoir.

I wouldn't exactly
call it a boudoir, Hilda.

Marvelous. All those grubby
memories of Little Johnny.

MARION: We didn't even have time
to raid the hothouse.

I only hope we can
make you comfortable.

Please, don't go to any trouble.
We're only staying a few days.

Aren't we, Johnny?
Of course.

And for our
next surprise...

(LAUGHS)

What on earth is that?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

His Master's Voice! A wedding
gift from us to you all.

HILDA: How divine! You should
have got married years ago!

(SINGING ALONG TO MUSIC)
♪ Another bride, another June

♪ Another sunny honeymoon

♪ Another season,
another reason

(HILDA LAUGHING)

JOHN: Come on, little blister. Twirl for me.

(LARITA SPEAKING FRENCH)

I see you're connoisseurs
of the great masters

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yes we avoid them
at all costs

Oh! A continental education. Not
all of us have been so fortunate.

Yes. What an emotional depiction of the
French postal service, Mrs. Whittaker.

Come now, Lari. Not "Mrs.
Whittaker. " It's "Mother" now.

Oh, I don't think we're quite
ready for that yet, darling.

Well, since time is
so clearly against us,

why don't you show Larita
up to the nursery?

Dinner's at 8:00.

(DOG BARKING)

You didn't tell them?

One bombshell
at a time, darling.

That's not fair!
Your poor mother.

How long are we staying?

A few days?

I shoulder the shortcomings
of this family for generations

and what do I get in return?
A few days. And look at her.

What am I supposed to do
with the bauble of a woman?

Hang her?
I think she's splendid.

Oh, do you, Hilda?
Well, we can all relax.

She's not what I expected.

MRS. WHITTAKER:
She's exactly what I expected.

Surely not exactly?
She wasn't drunk.

Very funny, Jim. Reduce
this to the burlesque.

She looks so expensive!

MRS. WHITTAKER: Very.

I like her.
Yes, Jim.

We all know
what you like.

Mother!

Hmm. We have all been
sent to our wombs.

And so toasty.

Economics in action.

She keeps half the house
closed to save on heating.

(SHUDDERS)

Well, that explains
the frosty reception.

Well, darling.
Let me warm you up.

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(JOHN AND LARITA LAUGHING)

Well?

She's lovely, John.
I'm very proud of you.

Thanks, Father.

MRS. WHITTAKER: John.

How long is a few days?

Mother, Larita and I would
like to find a home in London.

But this is your home.

A home of their own.

But...

But, Panda,
we need you here.

Since you went off on your
quick jaunt around the Riviera,

we've had to let go
of six more people.

Mother, if you'd just listened to
me and taken on some machinery...

Wouldn't that be a good idea? I could
run the entire estate single-handedly.

Congratulations on your
insight and your spontaneity.

Sarah and Phillip
are coming to dinner tonight,

and I have got a table plan that will
take the League of Nations to unravel.

Tonight?
That's absolutely splendid!

Don't be so fickle
in your affections, John.

Sarah might not be as
accommodating as you expect.

Codswallop.
She'll be delighted.

If Mother was so desperate
for her hand in marriage,

she should have
asked for it herself.

Strange as it may seem,
I agree with your sister.

I think you're wrong.

On certain things, yes.

Call her.

Really?
Really.

Really!

If Edgar were here,
he'd do the manly thing.

What? Run away?

(GASPS)
Here they come!

And the checkered flag
goes to...

Fast work, John.

JOHN: I should have
written you, Sarah,

but it all happened so fast,
I didn't know where I was.

In Larita's arms,
it seems.

Please don't be disappointed.

Of course I'm disappointed,

but tell me you're happy, and
I'll tell you you're forgiven.

You're the top. You're
Mahatma Gandhi. You're the top.

(GROANS) Panda,
don't break out the brandy just yet.

To hell we're not.

Have I missed something?

(SIGHS) Let
sleeping cows stand.

Oh, you plonker!

Rule one,
push sleeping cow.

Rule two,
get out of the way.

Rule three,
remember rule two.

Sarah! It's so
lovely to see you.

I hear your poor father
is not having a good day.

I'm afraid not.
He sends his love.

(WHISPERING) You are a jolly good sport,
turning up like this. That's all I can say.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Larita is such a pretty name.

Yes. Excellent
for musical comedy.

Hilda!
Phillip,

I hear the cow is in a
terrible way. I've sent flowers.

And did she eat them?
PHILLIP: Touche!

Good evening
to you all.

Nobody told me
tonight was fancy dress!

Then why have you come
as the village idiot?

(MARION LAUGHS)

(RIPPING)

HILDA: I think I'm snagged.

LARITA: Let me
help you with that.

Holy mother!

Panda?

You're forgiven,
tenfold.

Sarah Hurst, I'd like
to introduce my wife,

Larita Whittaker.

Gosh, I do like
the sound of that.

Sarah, finally.

Johnny talks about you
constantly.

How very annoying for you.

I hope we can be friends.

We already are.
Congratulations.

And I'd like
to be friends, too.

Larita,
my tiresome brother...

JOHN: The dishonorable
Phillip Hurst.

PHILLIP: Charmed, my dear lady.
LARITA: Indeed.

Phillip,
won't you escort me in?

Of course, my beautiful
little Sausage Fingers.

Well, that's whet my appetite.
Shall we adjourn to the dining room?

And toast my beautiful bride.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Yes, John.

Had we known there was
to be a wedding reception,

we could have all
lashed out on taffeta.

She's a lot like drowning, quite
pleasant once you stop struggling.

MRS. WHITTAKER: So, tell me, John. Was Larita's
family able to attend the wedding?

(BANGING)

(PHILLIP GROANING)
SARAH: Phillip!

(ALL LAUGHING)

More cabbage, madam?
No, thank you.

There's lots to do, Larita.
You ride, don't you?

Boats, cars or planes?

No, horses, silly.

LARITA: Ah, yes, horses.

Faulty steering
and unreliable brakes.

(LAUGHING)

I'm stealing that
for Stirrup Cup!

Stirrup what?
Cup.

Every November, Phillip and
Sarah's family host the hunt.

Wait till you meet their father,
Lord Hurst. He's terrific.

And Lady Hurst?

PHILLIP: Was terrific
until she

stopped.

Stopped what?
Living.

Oh. I'm very sorry
to hear that.

Between Father's polio and
Phillip's mania for tipping cows...

(DOG BARKING) Can we please just drop the cows?

I think we'll give the fox
a break this year.

MARION: No hunt?

Mrs. Winston gave me
her saddle. I've had a wax.

(PHILLIP COUGHING)

Your father and I conspired to
make John the master of the hunt.

People come from far and wide. It's
such a shame to disappoint them.

Very thoughtful, Mother.

MRS. WHITTAKER: You do hunt,
I take it, Larita?

Hypocrites, gossips
or defenseless animals?

PHILLIP: Bravo!

JOHN: You wouldn't get her
to the start, I'm afraid.

We have another conscientious
objector, Father.

Company!

Do you object to the circus
or the slaughter, Major?

I support Sheppard's
position on pacifism.

LARITA: Good for you.

So, when does
the carnage begin?

After the War Widows' Revue,
but before the craft fair,

in between the dog show
and the shoot.

And don't forget
the highlight.

Mother's Christmas dance is
the hot ticket of the season.

She's ordered the most
exquisite Japanese lanterns.

From Japan?

No, Fortnum & Mason's.

Yes. Prepare
for a whirlwind, Larita.

(EXHALING)
I'm breathless already.

LARITA: I won't make it to Christmas.
JOHN: You won't need to.

I won't make it to breakfast.
What were we just eating?

The lumpy gray
and beige concoction?

Yes. That's the word I
was looking for, "greige."

Absolutely no idea, but it
is the specialty of the house.

Incoming! Have you met my
namesake? He's very good in bed.

(SHUSHING)
They'll hear you.

I don't care.
I do.

(SIGHING)

Look, I know we need the heat,
but please don't smoke in here.

Mother's clairvoyant
about these things.

(SIGHS)
She loathes me, Johnny.

I'm a gold-digger burrowing in
from the land of opportunists.

Your father's an
interesting study, though.

Quietly sardonic.
I like that in a man.

A fact that won't earn you many
brownie points under this roof.

After the armistice, Father
didn't come straight home.

He caroused around France and
Italy, drinking, having affairs.

A lot of men did similar.
Couldn't settle down.

Why didn't she
go after him?

A question of pride.

He finally just
wandered home.

It's still a bit of a sore point.
We try not to speak about it,

except in public.

You see, she feels she's
missed out on something.

Which means, of course, she's
missed out on everything.

Exactly. The war robbed her
of all her expectations.

She takes one look
at a woman like you...

The harlot stealing
into the nursery...

The delicious concubine

with the delectable ears,

nose,

neck.

I could just eat you.

After that meal,
I'm not surprised.

(MAD ABOUT THE BOY PLAYING)

♪ I'm mad about the boy ♪

(SIGHS)

(LARITA MOANS PASSIONATELY)

HILDA: Dear Lord, thank you for bringing
John and his floozy home safely.

LARITA: John.

Why is Larita
always so late?

You can't hurry
perfection.

Edgar was never
late for a meal.

JOHN: Well,
he's missed a few lately.

LARITA: (SIGHING) Good morning.
How are we all on this glorious day?

JOHN: There she is.

Morning, darling.

What would Madam
like for breakfast?

I think Madam will get more
sustenance from a kipper.

But it won't be
as much fun.

Aren't you riding with us?

Darling, I think
it's about high time

that your mother and I have
an intimate tete-a-tete.

Just us girls.

Lovely.
JOHN: Mmm. What a frightening thought.

MRS. WHITTAKER:
Two hemispheres under one roof.

Papua New Guinea,
India, the Argentine.

I may not have traveled,
but the world has come to me.

(SNEEZES)

Are you coming down
with something?

Pollen, but if I hold
my breath long enough...

How peculiar.

Which is why we should
get to know one another.

Where does
one start?

Shall I
make headway?

I was born in Detroit. My
father worked in the steel plant.

He was one of the first
lured over to Henry Ford.

Ah. Hence the love
of motoring?

Yes, but
I also love animals.

I am a city girl.
I take chickens to the vet.

(LAUGHS)

You can't be squeamish about livestock
now that you are living in the country.

Which was never
my intention.

I was happily carving out a niche
for myself on the race circuit,

when I was unexpectedly flagged
down by someone irresistible.

Remarrying was the farthest
thing from my mind.

(SNEEZES)

I see.

May I ask...

Dead, unfortunately.
No children.

Oh.

How disappointing for you.

Still, he provided well,
though?

Yes, yes, but there were a lot of
hidden costs associated with his passing.

That beautiful motorcar. Surely
you must have independent means?

Mrs. Whittaker, I'm more than
happy to discuss my means,

but I think you'll be
a tad disappointed.

The car is my sole
source of income,

which makes living in London
an imperative.

But what will John
do in the city?

Work. It's not uncommon.

(LAUGHS)

John was brought up
in the country, Larita.

Where will he work?

Chalk Farm, perhaps?
Or St. Martin's-in-the-Fields?

I know this is not perfect, so that's
why I'm asking for your guidance.

So, please, how can I make
this pleasant for everybody?

Well, wartime experience dictates
that you keep your head down

and you fit in
as well as you can.

Oh, there's a war on?
Oh, no.

Not necessarily.

Australian mimosa.

Mmm. Beautiful.

(SNEEZES)
Oh!

(EXHALES)

And then the British troops
opened fire.

How grisly!

How'd it go, Mother?

Oh, marvelous!

Marvelous.

(LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I fear storm clouds
are gathering, Mrs. Whit.

Stop being maudlin, Father.
It's the future.

JOHN: Spanner!

Father, allow me to introduce
Panda's new chauffeuse,

lovely la-la-Larita.

JOHN: Watch it, Phillip.

My son is prone to fabrication,
but I can see on this occasion

he has been perfectly
frank, Mrs. Whittaker.

Yes, that's right.
There are two of us now.

PHILLIP: No shortage of wits
around here anymore.

Okay, stand back!
I give you the future!

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

LORD HURST: All right, John.
You can take my baby out for a spin.

(SNEEZES)

(LAUGHS)

Allergies. She inflates
like a puffer fish.

You just want to squeeze her
until she pops.

(CAR WASH PLAYING)

(CONTINUES SNEEZING)

♪ You might not ever
strike it rich

♪ But, let me tell you, it's
better than digging a ditch

(SNEEZING)

♪ Working at
the car wash, yeah

♪ Come on, now,
sing it with me

X It's better than
digging a ditch X

(BELL RINGING)

The missus is a bit
trigger-happy this week.

Bleeding tinnitus
is killing me.

Well, I like the new Mrs. Whit. Reminds
me of the old one before the war.

Only more reasonable. You can
tell she's run her own household.

(BELL CONTINUES RINGING)

(SIGHS) Be silent.

Good morning, Furber,
Jackson, Millie and...

Cook, I can't call you
a verb. Your name?

Beatrice.

All right, all right,
it's Doris. Sorry, madam.

Always wanted to be
called Beatrice.

Well, Beatrice, would you mind if
I helped myself in the mornings?

I fear I shall be rising
later and later.

Well, if it pleases,
Mrs. Whit...

(DOG BARKS)

The point of the bell?

When I ring it, you come to
me. Not the other way round.

Larita. May I have a word? Mmm.

Come along.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Would you please
refrain from chatting to the staff?

It's chore enough trying to
keep this motley crew together.

I had a brilliant French maid in
Paris. Perhaps I should send for her?

Thank you, no.

I'd prefer to keep English the
first language in this household.

Oh.

Ah, there you are.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
I say. Anyone for tennis?

Yes. You!

John, Shackleton wouldn't
let a dog out today.

The fog has lifted and
Whittakers don't do winter.

You go ahead, darling.
I'll play with myself.

No, really.
I'm a lot of fun.

Ooh...

PHILLIP: John!
It's brass monkeys out here.

(SLAPS JOHN'S BOTTOM)
Oh!

Day one of the Antarctic Open.
Mister Whittaker to serve.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

PHILLIP: Hole in one!
Deuce.

PHILLIP: I see your pair of deuces,
and I raise you a tenner.

The Titanic could
have hit that.

Sarah, you're an embarrassment
to the Hurst family name.

I'm going to have you killed.

(GRUNTS)

Good God! What's wrong
with you? No! Stop now!

You must stop!
Everybody, listen!

SARAH: Shoot the court jester!

(HILDA LAUGHING)
PHILLIP: Enough!

JOHN: Nice backhand.

PHILLIP: Was that
a backhand compliment?

(MAD DOGS AND ENGLISHMEN
PLAYING)

♪ Mad dogs and Englishmen
go out in the mid-day sun

♪ The Japanese don't care to,
the Chinese wouldn't dare to

♪ Hindus and Argentines sleep
firmly from 12: 00 to 1: 00

♪ But Englishmen detest
a siesta ♪

PHILLIP: Laurel and Hardy
step up to the crease.

The fillies are lining up.

Miss Hilda Whittaker looking most
fetching in her feedbag and bridle.

One woman's heaven...

She's absolutely beautiful.

Broken, tarnished
and completely useless,

thing's guaranteed to
keep my wife at bay.

May I?

If you don't mind
getting your hands dirty.

In Detroit, what we lack in
dirt, we make up for in filth.

Your first husband from
that neck of the woods?

Oh, well.
Word gets about.

Where is he now?

Dead.

Cancer.

He was a fair bit
older than me.

I spent a while playing the un-merry
widow, but the black wore thin.

You didn't care for him,
I gather?

Oh, I cared too much.

Life was just such an unpleasant
experience for the man, I...

I'd be a liar to say I wasn't
glad when he was relieved of it.

(MR. WHITTAKER
SPEAKING FRENCH)

God is a comedian
playing to an audience

too afraid to laugh

When were you
last in France?

Just after the war.

On a personal reconnaissance,
trying to ascertain

what exactly all those fine
young men had died for.

Apparently, I'm of the
romantic Lost Generation.

What did you lose?

I'm not sure.

(SQUEAKING)

(DOG BARKING)

Hello, hello.

Who is the tiny tank?

Who's a pretty little
cheeky chorizo?

On bended knees, please
come and play with me.

Johnny, dear, you know
how much I love you,

so please, try to take this
in the best possible light.

I'm getting a machine gun and
mowing down your entire family.

Mmm. Well, that's fairly
disappointing.

I thought at least you and
Father were getting along.

Hmm. Yes, I might
spare the menfolk.

But it's awfully dispiriting. We
have absolutely no privacy here.

I never needed any privacy
before. This is my home.

Well, it's not mine,
and I very much want one.

♪ We're all alone,
no chaperone

♪ Can get our number

♪ The world's a-slumber,
let's misbehave ♪

(DOG BARKING)

(SIGHS)

Timing is everything,
you little brute.

Come. Umpire at least.
Phillip is pining for you.

If I knew
you played tennis,

I never would have signed
that marriage certificate.

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

(DOG WHIMPERS)

(BONES CRACKING)

(GASPS)

(DOOR OPENING)

MARION:
Not a bad day for it.

(EXHALES)

Reading.

My fiance, Edgar, was
always hiding behind books.

Marion, you're needed on the tennis
court. John was just asking after you.

Would you like to see
a photo of him, my Edgar?

Poppy!

That's Enrico Caruso.

Who's dead, I know that. But if
you ignore the nose and the mouth

and the ears, there's
a striking resemblance.

I don't actually have
a picture of Edgar.

Well, mustn't keep you.

No, no. Of course.

Looking forward to getting
stuck in to a good book.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Poppy!

You haven't seen
the beast, have you?

The dog?

Nope. I haven't.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Poppy!

(MRS. WHITTAKER WHISTLING)

Oh!

Oh, poor, poor Poppy.
I'm so sorry.

HILDA: Larita!

I've been sent in
to badger you.

Please, please help us
make up doubles.

Hilda, I can't. I'm only good
for the cocktails between sets.

We're between sets now.

Hilda, you can't possibly
want me on court.

Phillip! Go get him.

Poppy!

(DOOR CLOSING)

Poppy!

(WHISTLES)

Poppy!

What are you doing?
MARION: Reading.

Sodom and Gomorrah,
A Biblical Story.

Who gave you
this filth?

Go and find the dog!

(SIGHS)
Larita!

Please refrain from giving my
daughter pornographic literature.

Yes, yes, of course.

Oh, and I volunteered
you and Hilda

to perform the dance of The Dying
Swan for the War Widows' Revue.

We're short on numbers.

Lovely.
Anything to help.

Have you seen the dog?

No. Not recently.

Probably out seizing the
sunshine like everyone else.

Poppy!

Furber!

Oh!

(PANTING) Oh,
it's you, madam. I'm sorry.

Can I get you anything?

A shovel.

Shovel. Of course.

Go and get Phillip
a hot toddy.

Phillip. You look so...

So... So...

PHILLIP: The suspense
is killing me.

Poppy!

Oh. Sorry.
It's fine.

(SIGHS)

Your brother is such
a sharply honed twit.

(LAUGHS)

Where is our beautiful
cougar hiding?

Under a book, I expect. I wish
she wouldn't slack indoors so much.

Some people would kill
to be indoors with Larita.

She isn't built
the same as us.

Still,
it is annoying, though.

You're such a sport,
always ready for anything.

I haven't got Lari's beauty
or charm or intelligence.

She is clever,
isn't she?

Mmm.

Clever and bored.

I don't understand it. I'm not bored.
You're not bored. Nobody else is bored.

Your father is,
out of his mind.

Yeah.
Father was born bored.

Hmm.

If only she made
an effort to play along.

Stop being
so torturous, Panda.

You had her playing charades
last night. What more do you want?

MRS. WHITTAKER: John!
Hmm?

John?

To tell the truth, I never really
liked her. Crabby, snappy little bitch.

I didn't like
the dog much, either.

(CHUCKLING)

Poor Poppy.
Casualty of war.

If I may be
so bold, madam?

These people ride horses,
lots of horses.

It would be advantageous
to do the same.

And I thought Detroit
was a tough town.

♪ You do something to me

♪ Something that simply
mystifies me

Has your horse
run out of gas?

♪ You have the power
to hypnotize me ♪

Oh, John,
don't hurt it.

Far from it, we've got a hunt coming up.

Poor little mite
needs a head start.

Oh.
Go on, run.

So much to learn
about each other.

My curriculum vitae.

The brook is the border
of Sarah's property.

Mother always imagined we'd
join forces and invade Surrey.

And how about those
foot soldiers on high?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I say, that's Davis,
Lord Hurst's man.

And there's Lord Hurst.

Closely followed by
my mother-in-law.

I wonder what the devil
they're surveying?

Are you disappointed
you didn't marry Sarah?

Of course not.

We've seen each other naked
since we were one.

She's part of the...

The scenery.

You can hack it a little
while longer, can't you?

How long is a little? And
don't say two weeks again.

Well, there's the War Widows'
Revue, the craft fair,

the hunt.
The hunt.

The memorial service.

What memorial service?

JOHN: Friends,
we are gathered here today

in remembrance
of our missing friend, Poppy.

Oh, Poppy.

Wherever you have chosen
to sow your seeds,

(CHUCKLING) we pray that you are blooming.

We pray that you have
gone to a better place.

Shame we don't know exactly
where that place is.

Anyway, now for a eulogy from
Emily Dickinson, queen of mirth.

"Because I could not
stop for Death

"He kindly stopped for me

"The carriage held but just
ourselves And Immortality..."

Or maybe the carriage didn't stop
and that's how he got squished.

(HILDA GIGGLING)

Scraped off the road
and put in a sausage...

MRS. WHITTAKER: Oh, Hilda!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(YELPS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

MRS. LANDRIGIN:
Thank you, Mr. Gribble.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

behold Reverend Burton

and Marion Whittaker as
they reach for the scissors

in Samson and Delilah.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(SNORING) Hark!
I hear my husband snore!

PHILLIP: What the hell
happened to Delilah?

Looks like a sack
full of oranges.

I'll creep forth on padded foot and
relieve him of his ample follicles.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

HILDA: (CHUCKLING)
How hilarious!

It's meant to be a tragedy.

Then you succeeded
beyond your wildest dreams.

LARITA: Your father
seems to have a fan.

Don't read
too much into it.

(WHISPERS) She was a godsend
during Mother's last months.

Sometimes I wonder where they
would be without each other.

Marion, my ample follicles
are in dire need of a trim.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I wouldn't taunt the artistes, my
little dying swans. You're on next.

Mother, I've encouraged
my girls to undertake

something a little more
contemporary.

Yes, Hilda and I seem to
have a talent for the can-can.

The traditional can-can,
performed without underwear?

Phillip.

(CHUCKLES)
Anything for you, Phillip.

PHILLIP: Mmm.
Yes, anything.

That will raise a bit more
than money for the war widows.

(ALL LAUGHING) I'm doubling my donation.

Pinkie.

Fans at the ready,
gentlemen.

All the way
from gay Paris,

I give you
Miss Hilda Whittaker

and, for her debut
performance, Mrs. John Whittaker

doing the can-can!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Is it my imagination, or is your
daughter dancing without her scanties?

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(CHUCKLES)

(SMACKS)
Ow!

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHING)

(GASPS)

MAN: Bravo!

(GROANS)

(HILDA CRYING)
JOHN: It's not Lari's fault.

HILDA: But she said
it was traditional.

Phillip said it, not Larita.
And it was a joke.

Everyone understood that except
Nelly No Knickers over here.

Hilda isn't as experienced
as your wife, John. No one is.

If you're not prepared to have a
straight talk to her, then I certainly am.

Don't be ridiculous, Marion.
You'll lose a finger.

Lord Hurst will never
speak to me again.

JOHN: Oh, rubbish. You two
are as thick as thieves.

I saw you together with the
surveyors in the back fields.

Preparing the jumps
for the hunt!

I'm completely humiliated.
I'll never get a husband now.

After tonight, I'd have thought
they'd be lining up round the block.

MRS. WHITTAKER: John!
HILDA: I hate her! Hate, hate, hate her!

The advance notices are
sensational, Mrs. John.

Is it my imagination or is the cutlery
particularly deafening this evening?

I don't know how many times I have
to say this, Hilda. I am sorry.

That's easy
for you to say.

It's surprisingly hard
to be easy.

You're smiling, Jim.

God forbid,
the wind might change.

Hilda, if I had any inkling that you
were going to take me seriously...

You could have made an
effort to enjoy it less.

Well, I had my underpants on.
I was having a grand time.

(CHUCKLES)

HILDA: It's not fair!

You've got two husbands,
and I've had none.

Well, technically,
I have one.

But you've had two.

Well, I've had two shoes, and
that's a great deal more practical.

I dare say, you've worn
down more soles than that.

John.

Marion, Larita's first husband died
of cancer. Stop being so callous.

Come now, John. I'm sure
Marion can appreciate the pain

of watching a loved one
slip through her fingers.

She's scandalous!

You should hear what they're
saying about her in the village.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Well,
let's stop those wagging tongues, shall we?

Is it true you've had
as many lovers as they say?

Of course it's not true,
Mrs. Whittaker.

Hardly any of them
actually loved me.

Hmm.

Well, that was uncalled for. I
realize it was a joke, but still...

You threw me to
the wolves in there.

Come now, Marion hardly
constitutes wolves.

All right, you threw me to the
voles. Either way, you abandoned me.

Your sisters need
to be restrained.

Restrained?

Hilda breaks loose once and
she's almost institutionalized.

And poor old Marion, Edgar
drops by for a cup of sugar

and Mother has his name
engraved on the family crypt.

I mean, I'm sorry,
but it really is very funny.

Hilarious.

Welcome to
the petrified circus.

Meet the resident contortionist
who can't bend any further.

(PLAYING PIANO) Then stop.
Be yourself. Let them live in your spell.

♪ You do that voodoo
that you do so well ♪

You're right,
of course.

I'm a hypocrite, pretending
to be someone I'm not,

especially since
it isn't working.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

What the devil has
that dog dug up?

(DOG WHIMPERS)

(SIGHS) MARION: Pilot,
what have you got there?

(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)

How could you not tell us?

(SIGHS) Marion, it was an accident.
I am walking on eggshells here,

and I believe I panicked.

And once again,
I'm very, very sorry.

Well, how could you do it?
Well, how could you?

Well, I imagine she bent her legs
and lowered her full body weight

onto the Chihuahua that
was hiding beneath her.

(SOBBING)

Marion, please.

John, did you have
anything to do with this?

No. No, I was the sole
perpetrator of Poppy's demise,

and ever since I have
been wracked with guilt.

Please, please, please
let me buy you a new dog.

Oh, God!

You might buy your loved
ones in the United States,

but you can't
in the United Kingdom.

How unfortunate.

You could at least
show some remorse.

Oh, I am full
of remorse.

I just refuse to invest in amateur
theatrics to convince you of my sincerity.

That's not how I came off
the assembly line.

I'm sorry,
I can't change.

Not for you.
Not for anybody, anymore.

And I wouldn't want her
any other way. So...

Madam, the dog.

(GASPS)

Stay back. Stay back.

MARION: I knew it the second I laid
eyes on her. She's a killer.

She sat on poor
Poppy deliberately.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Of course she didn't.

My brother has married a dog
murderer. She should be put down.

Put through a divorce court.

The Lord does not
sanction divorce.

The Lord is almighty, Marion. He
can sanction anything he likes.

I say the sooner
they move out, the better.

(SCOFFS) They move out?

John isn't going anywhere.
Watch and learn.

HILDA: It's so unfair. Why can't
I have a room like this?

(HILDA LAUGHING)

I could die of envy.

Laying to rest
this tragic incident,

we've had this splendid set of rooms
made over for you, haven't we, Jim?

Yes. My wife would
like you to rest in peace.

And I've even had an old friend of
Johnny's brought down from the attic.

Old Faithful Awaits
His Master's Return.

I used to sleep under
that silly painting.

(CHUCKLES)

That's very comforting, I'm sure,
but we're expected back in Mayfair.

But these are the largest
rooms in the house.

You'll find nothing
like it in London.

She has a point. MR.
WHITTAKER: She always does.

Sometimes I don't know
why you ever did wander home.

And miss all the fun?

Cook would like to inform you,
Mrs. Whittaker, the bird is stuffed.

Oh.

What bird? Hmm?

Thursdays is bubble and squeak.
I hadn't made any arrangements.

Oh, but I have!

In appreciation of your understanding,
and now for that delicious double bed.

We'll think of you
every time we use it.

Darling, what exactly
are we celebrating?

Thanksgiving.

Thanks for what, hmm?

The annihilation of an entire
indigenous people.

A loving union
of two great cultures.

Just like us.

How transcontinental.

I can't believe you got
access to the kitchen.

Beatrice did put up quite a fight,
but technically I outrank her.

Who's Beatrice?

Your cook.

Or now my undercook, since
I'm qualified cordon bleu.

(LARITA CHUCKLES)

That's a degree.

Furber, Furber, Furber.

Can you take the vegetables down to
the kitchen and tell Cook to cook them.

No, Furber, thank you. I think
I'll surprise my alimentary canal.

Well, Mother, if you don't mind, I think
I'm going to eat my meal before it gets cold.

Furber. I've changed my mind.
Bring it back.

Me, too.

Gobble, gobble.

(GOBBLING)

Yes.

Here's a tip, Hilda. A sure way to
a man's heart is through his stomach.

Or his mother.

Larita, look, I've found
another likeness of Edgar.

Marion,
this is Fatty Arbuckle.

Who's in jail,
I know that,

but if you cut out his cheeks
and give him a bald patch,

there's a striking
resemblance.

(SNEEZES)

Edgar's away on a trip.
He's across the pond,

(SNEEZES) sowing his wild
oats or something agricultural.

She's good,
I'll give her that.

I think you're overreacting.

(SNEEZING)

(JOHN CHUCKLES)

Lari. Lari!

Not the vase,
not the vase!

MAN: Taking the corn cockle
buds and bee-kissed roses

roughly in his
calloused hands,

his hot moist tulip exploded
in her river of delights...

JOHN: Larita?

Early Christmas present.
For you, darling.

The mind boggles.

JOHN: Well, it's... It's...
MR. WHITTAKER: It's magnificent.

MRS. WHITTAKER:
It's monstrous!

It's me.

I posed for a young Spaniard.
Don't you absolutely adore it?

Very expressive, darling, but
I can't quite see you in it.

LARITA:
Well, you can see everything else!

You actually took your clothes
off in front of a total stranger?

Don't be a buffoon, Marion. Of
course she took her clothes off.

MARION: I think it's unholy.
JOHN: To be honest, Lari,

I'm not sure I approve
of you being nude.

You know, without...
Without me.

Extraordinary.

What exactly are you
hoping to achieve?

I'm just trying to get into
the swing of things, Mother.

Marvelous!

Well, then, you'll be riding
in the hunt with us, won't you?

Well, I might be persuaded
if the painting stays.

Hunt.
Paint.

Hunt.

Very well.

Hunt.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

View, hello.

Hello, everyone.
Good to see you.

Richard.

Morning, Jim. After
generations of false starts,

we finally managed
to combine our cavalry.

Congratulations. A marriage
of minor convenience.

LARITA: You'll be fine,
I promise.

Now, remember, the second you have the
Holborough boy's eye, flirt outrageously.

But Warwick Holborough has
ears like the Cambridge Cup!

And Phillip's the prize.

Now, if you want a man's
attention, ignore him.

PHILLIP: Warwick the Wing Nut and Sausage Fingers.

What a handsome couple. They'll
have puppies, not children.

Wait.

There's something
I need to say.

(GRUNTS)
I see you, you're wasted here.

When the time comes,
give me a ring.

If I could find your neck,
Phillip, I'd wring it.

Larita's making
sheep's eyes at Phillip.

She's a Venus de flytrap!

She wants him
all to herself.

She's not interested
in Phillip.

Nobody's interested in Phillip.
HILDA: I am.

Mount up, Larita.

If you don't mind,
Mrs. Whittaker,

I think I might give
the fox a head start.

Lari, get on the pony,
please.

It's just as I thought.

Mrs. Whittaker, I said I'd ride,
and I'm always good for my word.

Tally-ho!

(SEX BOMB PLAYING)

(TRUMPETING)

(DOGS BARKING)

♪ Spy on me, baby,
use satellite

♪ Infrared to see me move
through the night

♪ Aim, going to fire

♪ Shoot me right

♪ I'm going to like
the way you fight

♪ Now you found
the secret code I use

♪ To wash away
my lonely blues

♪ So I can't deny or lie

X Because you're the only one
to make me fly

♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb,
you're a sex bomb

♪ You can give it to me
when I need to come along

♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb,
you're a sex bomb ♪

What is she doing?

A victory lap,
by the look of things.

There's something wild about
that child that's so contagious.

(WHOOPING)

Well,
she promised she'd ride.

(LAUGHS)

(BARKING)

(LET'S MISBEHAVE PLAYING)

♪ No chaperone
can get our number

♪ The world's in slumber,
let's misbehave

(SINGING ALONG)
♪ There's something wild about you, child

♪ That's so contagious

♪ Let's be outrageous,
let's misbehave

♪ When Adam won Eve's hand
he wouldn't stand for teasing

♪ He didn't care about
those apples out of season

JOHN: ♪ About those apples
out of season

♪ They say that spring means
just one little thing to little lovebirds ♪

JOHN: ♪ We're not above birds,
let's misbehave ♪

(JOHN HUMMING)

(LARITA WHOOPS)

(LARITA LAUGHING)

Miss Hilda,
telephone from New York.

Uncle George?

Oh, thank God,
a friendly voice.

Yes, and she's
a complete nightmare.

Really?

How salacious.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

MRS. WHITTAKER: Come in.

(DOOR OPENING)

Mother?

I'd like to apologize
for today's schmozzle.

That really won't
be necessary.

In her defense, Larita made no secret
of her disapproval of blood sports.

She did ride as promised.

Well, we should credit her with her
imaginative way of keeping her word.

You must be
very proud of her.

Mother, I think...

I think maybe Larita
and I ought to go.

Oh.

Yes, I see.

Very well. Feel free to drop
in whenever it takes your fancy.

Off you go. Enjoy.
Don't be like that.

I'm sorry, dear, wasn't
Mummy being kind enough?

Here, take these. They might
get you as far as Constantinople,

and this, to Casablanca.

Mother, stop it!

No. You stop it!

Stop being so naive.

(SIGHS)

The money's gone, John.

Nothing left.

The only thing standing between
this family and bankruptcy

are those surveyors
in the back field.

Lord Hurst is offering to buy 400
acres to keep the bailiffs away.

It's your legacy,
John Whittaker,

and I'm selling it.

I had no idea.
No.

No, you don't.

You were supposed
to take over the estate.

You're supposed to take
your responsibilities,

but you were unexpectedly
flagged down.

I've been struggling for years
with a man who doesn't care,

waiting for you
to step up to the mark.

No. You just go.

Go to Algiers with
your racing car driver.

I'm too tired
to care anymore.

LARITA: Well, it's not exactly surprising,
John. Look at the grounds.

Your mother is being
very practical.

JOHN: In what sense?

Well, you're not coming back.
Your father moved out decades ago.

Phillip's not going to marry Hilda.
Nobody's going to marry Marion.

Subdividing the land and selling to a
trusted neighbor is an elegant solution.

Somewhat harsh.

I've had my fair share
of selling off my past,

and it is an auction of innocence
that's neither fun nor pretty,

but it is realistic, something
your mother excels in.

But it's my responsibility.

Gracious, how can I
have been so blind?

WOMAN: Winter hydrangeas!
How do you do it?

It's a controlled mixture of
passion, persistence and horse manure.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I was hoping to catch a
glimpse of the new bride.

Ah. John's wife has
very fickle allergies.

Allergies to what?
(WHISPERING) Flowers, Emma.

(CHUCKLING)
Flowers. Can you believe it?

That is a strange choice of
bedfellow for this neck of the woods.

We'll just have to make do
with John and Sarah.

It will be like
old times.

SARAH: X When you're smiling

♪ The whole world smiles... ♪

Why the big panda eyes?

Sarah, I've often meant
to ask you something,

but I hadn't the courage.

Well, don't then.

Did you think I behaved
like a cad,

marrying Larita like that,
without telling you?

No, of course not.

You took the opportunity and married
for love, and I respect you for it.

If we'd have married, it would have
been for friendship and convenience.

Would it?
Yes.

We knew one another
far too well.

I want my marriage to be

thrilling, romantic,
with passionate love letters.

I could have written you
love letters.

(LAUGHS) Well,
you didn't, did you?

I did love you
all the same.

John, stop it.

(HISSING)

He's very different from
the man I met in France.

The boy.
The same, sweet boy.

Is it true what she says?

Are you really
selling off the land?

To be perfectly honest,
I haven't the faintest idea.

(CHUCKLES)

But it's your home.
It's your community.

Doesn't that matter?

No.

(CHUCKLES)

You're a dark horse.

Have you noticed how few men of
my age there are in this village?

Fourteen years ago, we all
took the King's shilling.

We all signed up together.

My brother,

friends,

staff,

all hunkered down in the
front row of the Great War.

I thought they kept majors
safely behind desks.

Promotion for surviving.

As captain, it was my job to
get them all out of the trenches.

Within the first four minutes
of our first charge,

20, 000 men died.

In Thorverton,
down the road here,

they were stationed
in Morocco.

Their captain brought them
all home.

I didn't bring
a single man back.

This whole village died.

I think there's a glimmer
of life in you yet.

Well, if there is, it has no time for
pet cemeteries and Japanese lanterns.

Why did you come back?

I had no choice.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

LARITA: She came for you.

Why the lie?

She thought "wandering
home" sounded better.

And, to be perfectly frank,
I no longer cared.

(PACK UP YOUR TROUBLES
IN YOUR OLD KIT BAG PLAYING)

HILDA: I hate new games.

There are too many balls.
I can't sink anything.

Sink some gin,
Sausage Fingers.

HILDA: I never, ever win.

Oh! Well done!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

HILDA: Stop sucking it.
Come and help.

SARAH: Come on, Pops.

LORD HURST:
All right, missy, hold your horses.

All right.
Clear the decks, puppies.

May I?

I was hoping
to have a word.

We're accentuating the positive today. I
really don't have a mind for anything else.

Of course. Of course.

I know you're under
considerable stress.

Regarding what?

Lord Hurst's kind offer
to buy into your property.

The realtor I'm dealing with in
London also specializes in subdivision.

Perhaps he could help
negotiate a premium price.

Thank you, but really, this
is of no concern of yours.

Of course
it is a concern.

I am a member of this family
now, and I'd like to help.

And this is your
interpretation of help, is it?

Carving up our heritage and selling
it off to the highest bidder?

Well, coming from a country no older
than the chair you are sitting in,

it seems a very
practical solution.

Just forget the seven
generations of people

who have devoted their entire
lives to farming this land.

Get someone else to do it,
with a machine, no less.

Who do you think you are?

Swinging your wherewithal
like a cat on heat.

Now, if you really want to
be of assistance, Larita,

I think you know
what's required.

Right.

I think it's time an expert
showed you how this game is played.

Watch it.

Bravo!
ALL: Bravo!

What a sportswoman, I must
say. Can you imagine? Fantastic.

JOHN: Lari,
you're confusing me.

LARITA: I'm feeling
trapped, John.

I don't understand.

It's this house! It has an
air of doom hanging over it,

and I can barely stand
the weight much longer.

The answer is to
go abroad again.

Not yet.

This is my life for now,
you know that.

(SCOFFS) And what part
do I play in it?

Do you have to be so loud?

Of course I do.
I'm American.

(JOHN LAUGHING)

What is the use of bickering like
this? It doesn't lead anywhere.

You never know. It might
lead to a natural end.

Do you want it to?

Do you?

No!

I just want some
peace and quiet.

You're far too young
to make a remark like that.

I can't help my age...

Grandma.

(CHUCKLES)

Look, I'm sorry that I
leave you alone so much.

Honestly, I'm sorry.

Good. Then let's do
something about it.

Why are we driving so fast?

The thrill of escape.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

LORD HURST: You're looking very game
today, fairest game in the land.

(MRS. WHITTAKER LAUGHS)

A penny for your thoughts?

It's more than pennies,
I'm afraid, Pinkie.

I don't think I can afford
the party this year.

But the Japanese lanterns!

No, canceled.

Had to choose, Japanese
lanterns or the maid.

No, you're not getting out
of it that easily, my dear.

My offer of cellar
and staff still stands.

It wouldn't be Christmas
without your knees-up.

(CHUCKLES)

(GUNSHOT)

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

This is the first piece of
clarity I've had since arriving.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Why can't we live in
moments like these forever?

Why?

Because you've stopped
loving me, my darling.

How can you say that?

Oh, I just open my mouth
and the words come out.

Then let's make
a fresh start.

There are so many things
I need to tell you about me.

Hard things.

I don't care.

I do.

It doesn't matter.
I trust you absolutely.

♪ I see you again

♪ Whenever spring
breaks through again

Come on.

♪ Time may lie heavy between

♪ But what has been
is past forgetting

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(LAUGHING) Stop.

♪ Throughout my life
will come to me

♪ Though the world
may go awry ♪

(GUNSHOT)

MAN: Shot!

(BARKING)

(GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GASPS)
(GASPS) John!

(GROWLING)

Top hole!

Oh!

MR.
WHITTAKER: I can't decide which is worse,

the idea that you had to sneak
outside to get some privacy

(LAUGHS) or that you were caught by Veronica.

LARITA: Who's Veronica?

I am. It's my name.

I fail to see
the humor in it, Jim.

No, darling, you know,
you're quite right.

I can certainly see
the serious implications.

It's really not
a laughing matter.

It's only
a laughing matter.

Indecent exposure is
illegal, even in America.

No... Yeah.

(LAUGHS) You're right. And we're very,
very sorry. Aren't we, Lari?

(CHUCKLES)
Well, no. I'm not.

This is my husband.

And this is my home!

MR. WHITTAKER: Well,
maybe it's time for the young ones to fly the nest.

Certainly not.

They will stay put
and brazen this out.

And you can get that ghastly
painting out of my house.

We do not need any more
reminders of your easy virtue.

(SIGHS)

No!

Help me, Jack.
JACK: Right.

Excited, Furber?
Overwhelmed, sir.

Jolly good!
Miss Hilda.

Uncle George.
How explosive!

Furber, I recognize
that as asparagus.

FURBER: Correct, madam.

Ha!

I pity poor Panda.
Oh, what is it now?

Read.

The Detroit News.

Uncle George is
a super sleuth!

Collecting old newspapers is the
last refuge of a truly boring man.

Boring? Far from it. It was a scandal!

Wasn't it, Mrs. Morley?

Mrs. Tom Morley
of Detroit, Michigan.

MR. WHITTAKER:
Don't be grotesque, Hilda.

I suppose I'd better finish my
meal before it wilts entirely.

MR. WHITTAKER: Any dressing?

Oh, I am genuinely shocked.

No, thanks, I always
end up wearing it.

We've been hoodwinked!

Mmm. Especially that
runny vinaigrette.

MARION: Fire and brimstone!

Mayonnaise has more ballast.

Will you stop this insulting
behavior immediately?

Hmm.

I always hated that
photo of myself.

MRS.
WHITTAKER: Of everything I've ever expected,

nothing could have
prepared me for this.

MR. WHITTAKER:
Prepared you for what?

She was charged with
murder. I was acquitted.

And that's consolation?

I told you my husband died.

Yes, but you didn't tell us how,
did you? Does John know about this?

HILDA: Oh, I see.

It's no concern of ours.

Father! Really!

Yes, and after Hilda went through
all that trouble digging it up.

In fact, I'm going outside for a
cigarette. Would you care to join me?

Thank you, Jim,
don't mind if I do.

No concern?

MR. WHITTAKER:
The pack's closing.

This woman has taken
advantage of our son.

He'd never have married her
if he'd known the truth.

You know that,
do you?

I suppose you would have
preferred we had an affair?

Well, I think it would
have been more appropriate!

Mother!

(LAUGHS) Unfortunately,
I agree with you!

MARION: Oh, it's easy
to talk like this now.

It isn't easy.
It's heartbreaking.

I love John,
but it's not blind love.

(RASPBERRYING)

Marion, does that sound
indicate contempt or asthma?

You can't palm us off
like that, Mrs. Morley.

MR. WHITTAKER: This
is your doing, child.

You're a bigger fool
than you look.

HILDA: Larita is your type,
isn't she, Father?

LARITA: That is the nicest thing
any of you have ever said.

MARION: God forgive you.

JOHN: Hello,
are we having a picnic?

John,

I think your wife better unveil
this one herself. Don't you, Larita?

Before we met,

I was involved in a court case
over the death of my husband.

It was seedy and stressful,

but since I was
found innocent,

I didn't think it necessary
to burden you with the details.

Innocent?

She was responsible
for a man killing himself!

The verdict was suicide, but
that's not where it started.

I thought it was cancer.

It was.

But he was so
desperately sick.

If you would have known him, you would
have understood how forgivable it was.

It's not as if
she poisoned him herself.

MRS. WHITTAKER:
Well, that's what everyone thinks.

MARION:
She's a black widow. I pity you, Marion.

Really?
Well, I won't let you!

MR. WHITTAKER:
Right, that's it!

You have a dance to organize,
I suggest you all get to it.

(MRS. WHITTAKER GASPS)
Now, go on! Now!

(MARION WHIMPERS)

MRS. WHITTAKER:
Hilda! Come on, inside!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

MR. WHITTAKER: John.

(A ROOM WITH A VIEW PLAYING)

(LARITA SOBBING)

Are you crying because
you're angry or ashamed?

(SIGHING) Neither.

Coming here has been the most
demoralizing experience of my life.

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to, everything
just happened so fast.

That's not good enough.

I tried to,
several times,

but you trusted me
"absolutely."

And you saw the field day those
fatuous hypocrites made of it.

Larita, please remember
they're my family.

I shouldn't think of them
at all if they weren't.

Still,

you should have told me.

You should have
loved me more.

I couldn't love you
any more.

You should have
loved me better.

I don't understand you,
Larita.

I don't understand you
at all.

(SLAMS)

(SOBBING)

(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Are you all left feet?

Dancing with you is like
trying to move a piano.

Ow!

I wonder what the
American will be wearing?

(LAUGHS)
Or who she'll be poisoning.

(EXHALES)

Do you like long
moonlit walks?

Only when taken by
people who annoy me.

You've got me all to yourself, Phillip.
Larita's upstairs with a headache.

And which little fool,
pray tell, gave her that?

(MUSIC ENDS)

Do you think you ought to go
and see if Larita is coping?

I already have. She's fine.

It's been a very trying day
for her, John.

Go and escort
your wife down.

No, I wouldn't worry.

You know my wife, she'll make
an entrance when she's ready.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Quickly,
you'll blow my cover.

Why are you sitting
in the dark?

Watching.

(BOTH ARGUING)

People are so universally
similar when their guard is down.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

It seems they are universally similar
when their guard is up, as well.

May I?

Thank you for being
gallant today.

You are damn cool
in a crisis.

The judge at my trial
said something similar.

Why did you do it?

Why did you marry John?

My first husband was older,
and his end was messy.

Long afterwards this

boy, this pure boy

arrived fresh
and unblemished.

I married him because any
other relationship seemed

cheap and squalid.

My first marriage cost me my youth,
and here I am stealing someone else's.

What will you do?

The best I can.

(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING)

Davis, thank you.

And thank you, Pinkie.

No, not at all, my dear.

Just look at this turnout.

Hmm. They've only come for a repeat
performance of the Cincinnati succubus.

JOHN: May I have
the pleasure?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Look.

(SILENCE)

(PEOPLE WHISPERING)

Tango, please.
Certainly.

Tango.
BAND MEMBER: Tango.

(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)

Dance with me, John.

Lari, don't.

Please, dance with me.

SARAH: That was very gallant.

You've got to
stop them, Mother.

No, I don't.

Marvelous.
Marvelous.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Straight from the bordellos of Buenos
Aires to the Hippodrome of London, maestro.

Take it away.

Jim, this is the end.

(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING)

FURBER:
Congratulations, madam.

Have you been drinking,
Furber?

Yes, madam. Prodigiously.

You are full of surprises.

Yes, madam.
I was even arrested once.

What for?

Bigamy.

MRS. WHITTAKER:
Ah, there you are, Pinkie. I've found you.

Larita,
where are you going?

Away, Sarah,
for John's sake.

Far, far away.

Is there anything
I can do?

You can look after him.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Women like me are tiresome
in love. We expect too much.

Marry John.

It's the way things always should have
been. I'm just so sorry I got in the way.

You love him that much?

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Go. I'll cover for you.

(WHISPERS)
Sweet Sarah.

MRS. WHITTAKER: I'm so glad you've
recovered from your headache.

Please don't build any convenient
social lies on my behalf.

Oh, I say,
Mother is only...

Fighting to keep
the charade alive?

You've shown tremendous fortitude
holding this family together, Veronica,

and I can respect that.

But what I can't respect is the manipulative
road you've chosen to maintain control.

This war is over.
Move on.

Move on.
Oh, how convenient.

Oh, wake up, Marion.
Edgar's not coming back.

(MARION GASPS)
And that ring isn't stuck, you are.

And, Hilda, you've got such promise,
yet you're squandering it on malice.

My advice to both
you girls? Run.

Go see the world
through your own eyes.

(SCOFFS)

So speaks the siren, leading
the sailors to their death.

Well, at least I'm not Medusa,
turning them to stone.

(MARION AND HILDA EXCLAIM)

Get out!

JOHN: Larita?
Fine.

Lari? Lari, don't go.

John, I have to.
I can't live here.

Nothing can.

But you're my wife,
and I love you.

Oh, John, my darling.

You don't know
what love is.

You have no idea what it
means to love someone so much

that you will do
anything for them.

Even inject
them with poison

when they're too feeble
to do it for themselves.

I don't believe that you could
have ever loved me like that.

Oh, John, let her go.

Let her go.

Off into the sunset to inject
another family with her poison.

Mother.
Go on, off you go.

Before your past
catches up with you, again!

Mother!

(EXCLAIMS)

You evil...

Mother! Shut up!

FURBER: They are predicting
warmer weather, madam.

Yes, Furber, I believe
they are. Thank you.

Very generous.

There's something special
in there for Jackson.

Please make sure he gets it. Of course.

Where will Madam
be staying?

Who knows?

Good luck.

And you, Furber.

Would you forward the
painting please, Furber?

To where, sir?

(CAR ACCELERATING)

I shall enjoy passing
on the good news, sir.

(WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH,
THE TOUGH GET GOING PLAYING)

MR. WHITTAKER:
Well, my dear,

when the going gets tough,
the tough get going.

♪ I've got something
to tell you

MR. WHITTAKER: Really?

♪ I've got something to say

MR. WHITTAKER: I'm all ears.

♪ I'm going to put
these wheels in motion

♪ And let nothing
stand in my way

♪ Darling,
I'll climb any mountain

♪ Darling, I'll do anything

♪ When the going gets tough

♪ The tough get going

♪ When the going gets rough

♪ The tough get rough

X Gonna get myself
across the river

♪ That's the price
that I'm willing to pay

♪ I'm going to make you
stand and deliver

♪ And give me love
in that old-fashioned way

♪ Darling,
I'll climb any mountain

♪ Darling, I'll do anything

♪ Because when the going
gets tough

♪ The tough get going

♪ When the going gets rough

♪ The tough get rough

MAN: My lords,
ladies and gentlemen,

introducing
the Easy Virtue Orchestra.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

On piano,
the honorable James Watson.

(PIANO PLAYING)

On the bass, Thomas
"The Bass Engine" Mason.

(BASS PLAYING)

On the euphonium,
Oren Marshall.

(EUPHONIUM PLAYING)

Christopher Webster, trombone.

(TROMBONE PLAYING)

Drums, Mr. David Rowntree
and Benjamin Bryant.

(DRUMS PLAYING)

On the ukulele, Paul Woollard.

(UKULELE PLAYING)

On the guitar,
Christopher Montague.

(GUITAR PLAYING)

On the washboard,
Jason Boshoff.

(WASHBOARD PLAYING)

Saxophones, Mike "The Maestro"
Smith and Samuel Frank.

(SAXOPHONES PLAYING)

On clarinets, Christopher
Caldwell and Bradley Grant.

(CLARINETS PLAYING)

On the trumpets, Gerard
Presencer and Christopher Storr.

(TRUMPETS PLAYING)

On strings, Sophie Solomon,
Perry Montague-Mason,

Emlyn Singleton, Boguslaw Kostecki,
Peter Lale, David Daniels and Jo Knight.

(STRING INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)

Thank you.

And on the saw, David Coulter.

(SAW TWANGING)

On the bandoneon,
Ian "Tango Man" Watson.

(BANDONEON PLAYING)

And on the oboe, Katherine
"St-John-St-John" St. John.

(OBOE PLAYING)

Thanks, Kate. On the slide
whistle, Stephan Elliott.

(SLIDE WHISTLE WHISTLING)

Michelle de Vries
on the cymbals,

(CYMBALS CRASHING)

Barnaby Thompson on spoons.

(SPOONS TAPPING)

Tristram Penna,
gramophone.

(GRAMOPHONE SCRATCHING)

Thanks, Tris.

And on the banjo,
Benedict de Vries.

(BANJO PLAYING)

Ladies and gentlemen, you've
been a wonderful audience.

Tell your friends,
and please come back soon.

And remember,
keep your powder dry.

(HORSE WHINNYING)

Good night.
Thank you all once again.

S I'm going to find myself
a one-way ticket

♪ Nothing's going
to hold me back

WOMAN: Really?

♪ Your love is like
a slow train coming

♪ And I feel it coming
down the track

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

♪ Oh, darling,
I'll climb any mountain

♪ Darling, I'll do anything

♪ When the going gets tough

MAN 1: ♪ When
the going gets tough

♪ The tough get going

MAN 1: ♪ The tough get going

♪ When the going gets rough

MAN 1: ♪ When
the going gets rough

♪ The tough get rough

MAN 1: ♪ The tough get rough

MAN 2: Ooh, can I touch you?

♪ And do the things
that lovers do

GIRL: Ooh,
I want to hold you.

♪ I've got to get it
through to you ♪

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)