Easy Does It (2018) - full transcript
Two best friends and their accidental hostage careen across the 1970s American South on a treasure hunt turned crime spree.
They have to be focused.
You have to really know
what you really want to be
and what you really want to do.
I think...
it's just to have love.
To have a family.
Sir,
could you please not do that?
I mean, figured getting
my picture in the paper.
Yeah, I'mma be somebody.
- They're going to see.
- Two cars for every garage.
Hell yes, my friend.
Two garages for every house.
Hell, that's four cars all day.
Oh, a beauty queen.
Even a county fair beauty queen.
Any kind of beauty queen!
It's kind of like
hunting a turkey.
You got to line up the shot.
Man, I'm just trying
to keep peace.
At the end of the day,
everybody deserves life,
liberty and...
Bam!
That's my dream.
What's my...
You know, man, uh,
all anybody's looking for
is making something happen for
themselves, you know?
Just a matter of finding
a place you can do that.
Step one, make a plan.
Step two...
Come on now!
Quit your yappin' boy!
Dream big, see what happens.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we got a real
opportunity here today!
Not just the fight of the year
but the wager of the century!
- Now, I know you got debts, let's make some bets!
- Let's do it, yeah!
In this corner,
we got Scottie The Wildman Aldo!
Yeah, and more
importantly, in this corner,
we got sharp as a tack
Lightning Jack!
All right, yeah.
Bet big or go home, woo!
All right, folks,
all bets are final!
This is for all the chili dogs!
Get him again!
Get him, get him!
Get him, get him, get him!
Yeah!
Stick to the plan,
take the fall!
Get him now!
Get him while he's down!
Oh, he's down!
Ladies and gentlemen, it was
a knock out! I mean, look!
This, this man is dead!
- Wait minute, wait a minute!
- Somebody call an ambulance!
Give him some water! Everybody
back off, give him some room.
I'm just, I'm just
going to go seek help!
Hey, hey, get him!
Hey!
Hey!
Did it again,
Jackie boy!
Yeah, not bad!
Hey, where's the cash?
Aw, shit!
If you think about it, you should be grabbing
the cash while they're looking at me.
Look, it's nobody's fault you forgot
the cash and obliterated my cool plan.
We're on to bigger
and better things.
Hey, I just don't see
why I always gotta
take the fall.
All right, I'm listening.
What if next time we do,
like, characters?
You know,
like cowboys and Indians.
That's the big time
that I'm talking about.
Yeah, I like that, but I do feel
like you're kind of missing
the point though,
'cause I mean, that's just...
man, all this, all right,
the scams, this, this job,
the suspiciously generous loans
from the King. That's all just, uh, it's
a means to an end is what it is, you see?
'Cause step one,
I got my car up and running,
which brings us to step two.
We just raise a little more money
to put some gas
money in said car,
which brings us promptly
on to step three,
which is someday,
and someday soon, my friend,
you and me are going to be.
Uh-huh. You know You've been saying
that since we were 12 years old, Jack.
Except nobody ever gets
out of here, do they?
Ah, that's not entirely true.
My... my mama made it
out of here.
Yeah, but your mama wasn't
drowning in debt to King George.
Well.
If it ain't my two favorite dishwashers!
How we doing, boys?
Let me see them winnings! Huh?
Well, you know it's
a funny thing, Mack...
It is a funny thing 'cause
I'm going to be able to pay off
the King and have
enough money left over
for the Fourth of July!
Get those big old
rockets loud as hell!
You know what, hell,
you boys are invited!
We'll get shit-faced and piss
of the neighbors!
You see uh, uh,
about that, Mack,
we had like a little bit
of an issue with the money.
"Sure thing," you told me!
"Not to worry, we're gonna double
your money!" That's what you said!
Well, no, Mack,
I believe what I said was...
No, I know what you said!
You said, "I got a plan, man!"
Oh shit, all right,
calm down now.
- We're gonna pay you back, all right?
- That's horse shit!
And I'm going to take
it out your paychecks!
Hey, hey,
let's just talk about this!
Ain't going to talk your
way out of nothing!
I'm docking your paychecks
for a month, you understand me?
You lazy white trash!
Hey! I'm a quarter of Apache.
Three months!
Oh yeah? Goddammit!
Man, we can barely afford
to eat as it is, man!
Well, eat this, you egg sucking,
trailer park weasel,
ass-licking.
Let's take
a moment of refuge to...
The... the King?
Tell you what, folks,
if you like a burger,
and I know you do...
It's her daughter.
Get me down,
get me down right now!
The Mad Dogs have come out
swinging in the first,
and now lead 1-0.
Get me down now.
Okay, how do I look?
Uh, bad?
Blue, darling,
how you doing, baby girl?
- She's probably here for the car.
- Oh, yeah, definitely.
Here's the pitch...
Ain't no reason to panic,
I'm gonna get you your money.
Out of nowhere, what a shot!
Goddammit.
Sons of bitches!
- I got something.
- Good.
- All right, so we get a camera.
- Right.
And we, uh, wait for tourists
to come to town
and we take their photo in front
of like a tourist attraction.
- We sell it back to them for ten dollars.
- Come on, man.
Why the hell's a tourist
going to come here?
All right, man,
so we drum up tourism first.
You know, we do like a...
Aw, hell,
there's another bridge.
Holiday-themed movie theater, right?
During the winter we do
just Christmas movies.
We decorate it,
like, icicles in the lobby.
Yeah, yeah, we can even
sell peppermint popcorn.
Yeah, now you're getting it.
Maybe a chunky reindeer meat.
- What?
- Smoked Santa's sausage.
I hate Christmas movies.
That's... that's something
you should know about me, Jack.
Wait... what? Nah,
Christmas movies are great, man.
Full of hope,
good tidings and shit.
What you got?
Dear Jack,
if you're reading this,
I'm dead.
Kiss, kiss, Mama.
PS, left you something
under that pier.
What
did she leave you?
- Uh, maybe, uh...
- buried treasure?
What makes you think
she left you buried treasure?
Because I've been here.
San Clemente, California, man.
My mom, she took me when I was
a kid before she ran off.
She told me about how the ships
used to sail in and out of there
from all over the world
carrying, you know, treasures.
And that you might could still
find one of those treasures
to this day if you
know where to look.
Uh-huh?
Uh...
You think
your mom left us gold coins?
I'm just saying.
What have we got
to lose in finding out?
- All right, but just hear me out real quick.
- I'm listening.
'Cause I'm following you but,
I just got to say,
are you really
serious right now, man?
Or are you just
playing a "Jack" on me?
What you mean?
Of course I'm being serious!
What you talking about?
California?
Yeah, Scottie, I'm going.
You gonna come with me?
I mean...
shit, it's just
too far away, Jack.
Too far, you say?
All right,
all we got to do is hop on 59,
but then we cut down
to ten at Houston, right?
And go on these guys.
Those might be railroad tracks,
but we'll just see when we get
there. Then we get on the 45,
then we get
on the 35 to the 25...
We'll be on the beach in 27 hours, baby!
- That's good, Jack.
- Yeah, yeah.
You stick to my plan, Scottie.
You'll see, man.
This is gonna be our ticket out
of this shit hole, man.
No more washing
other people's dishes.
No more futile con jobs.
No more getting fleeced by
the King, that's for damn sure.
And when we get there, man.
Five star restaurants and shit,
real deal gourmet.
They got pasta with shrimp, man!
I love shrimps.
Granted...
could be nothing.
Plain old nasty pasta.
But if it is, man.
It's all I'm saying.
What if it is?
Oh, shit, we're late!
- Hey, Scottie, we're late, man.
- Ow.
- No, Jack.
- Late for work, man.
Jack, Jack, Jack.
Already called in for us.
Said we ain't coming in
on account of us
being millionaires and all.
Billionaires, maybe.
Oh,
Lord, here comes Jooly Booly Rogers,
that brutal force of nature.
Who'd you tell what now?
- Work, man.
- This is game four
against the Montgomery Mad Dogs.
And as you know, to stay alive,
these Outlaws got to pull
out a win here in game four.
Ah, I said, "Jack's Mama
left us some inheritance money,
so you can take them dishes
and shove them up your ass."
It's great, man, great.
You know who owns that diner
and the whole
goddamn town, huh, yeah?
The King, man!
Oh, shit.
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on!
All right, go ahead.
Good morning, Blue.
What's going on with you, girl?
The King want a word with you.
Yeah, definitely. Well,
you know, as matter of fact,
I was going to come see King
George first thing tomorrow.
Save you the trouble. Hey, you know
what, let me, uh, put on a shirt
and I'll be right with you.
Let me get my toothbrush!
Jack, where's my toothbrush?
Dammit!
Hey, hey, hey,
watch my car, man!
Where are
we going, fellas?
This is all a misunderstanding.
And where's your bags?
I was told
we were taking a trip.
- We love trips.
- No, we're...
- A trip? You heard what now?
- Who told you that?
Fire her up.
Shit.
So y'all don't
know nothing about no gold coin,
- wild goose chase?
- No, no.
- I don't know about that.
- Geese? No.
Turn right up there.
And y'all weren't
thinking about skipping out
on your obligations
to old King Georgie?
Come on, we been pay... ow!
You're just trying to fleece us like
you do the whole town. Damn, Blue!
Put your seatbelt on.
- She's right.
- Scottie and I, we got an opportunity.
- Turn left up there.
- Uh, yes, ma'am.
Hey now, look. We're not trying to skip
out on any sort of anything, all right?
It's just that we, we got an
opportunity to pay you back, you know?
And that's why we got to go
and get it, me and Scottie.
You know? So...
Use your goddamn turn signal!
Yes, ma'am!
Uh, but me and Scottie
both got to go, so...
Pull over here a second.
Let me out, come on.
- I see you!
- Get, lady!
- Why you running? Get over here!
- Please don't.
You see...
promises don't butter
any bread, fellas.
And what you want might not be
just yours for the taking.
Sometimes you need sacrifice,
hard work, discipline, goddammit!
He didn't have your
five dollars, Ma.
Let me see your teeth.
- All right.
- Look, fact of the matter is: we're gonna go,
we're gonna get that money,
we'll bring it back to you, all right?
Hey, what I owe you, huh?
- Double it. That's it.
- Double it.
That's a "Jack guarantee."
All right.
Pull in there.
Shit,
"Jack Guarantee."
That's good, huh?
I am gonna do you one better.
Save you the trouble.
Blue here.
Blue is gonna go get it for ya.
- I'll hang onto your car in the meantime.
- No, no...
And that's
a "King George Guarantee."
Meanwhile...
you can just cool your heels
with my friends here.
But wait.
Come on out, fellas.
What's that you been
saying about beaches, Jack?
Oh, you mean, uh, "75 degrees year
round, color TV in every room"?
I hear the waves already.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit indeed, Jack!
It's a civil matter, man!
It's not like she'll
call the cops on us.
Yeah, that ain't what
I'm worried about right now!
It's not even her car, okay?
For the record,
she, she's the crook!
- Yeah, crooked as a crocodile!
- Less teeth too.
Shit, woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
Hey, man, you and me, right?
- Yeah. Yeah!
- All the way?
Look, we drive
straight though, man,
we can hit the beach by Monday.
You know what that is, right?
- That's the day of Independence, baby.
- That's right!
We'll be watching the rockets
over California skies.
- So, they got like a white wine sauce on there.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- With butter or cream, or something.
- So, so, white wine and dairy?
- Yeah, yeah, that's how they do it.
- All right. I love good cream.
- Yeah, and lemon. They got lemon on there.
- Oh, lemons?
- Yeah.
- Damn.
It's very well balanced.
Oh, and that shrimp, man!
Big old juicy, butterfly...
Jack, I feel like I'm pushing
all the weight, man.
- Oh, put your back into it.
- My back's in it.
Come on, come on.
Hell!
- That could be good enough, huh?
- Yeah, it'll reach.
Whoo!
- Dine and dash?
- Don't know that we got much of a choice.
Yes, yes indeed.
It don't pump.
It ain't coming through.
- Oh, I got to do this now.
- Yeah, you just kind of...
And then, um, I heard
before you kind of have to
- put your weight on it.
- Oh, you're like squeezing it out, huh?
Yeah, kinda like that.
- Hey, guys!
- What?
- It's pre-pay!
- What's that now?
You pay first
and then you get the gas.
- Yeah, we already know that.
- Yeah, no,
- thanks for the tip, amigo.
- No problem!
We ain't stupid!
Shit!
- Real pickle.
- You know, I bet his car's full of gas.
Yeah, stupid pre-pay!
Who thought of that?
You know, it's 'cause there ain't
no trust in this world anymore.
Oh, that's good.
Yep, that's good.
When I'm good, I'm good, man.
I don't know what to tell you.
- What you got?
- Oh, right, here's the plan.
All right.
- When I give you the signal...
- Mm-hmm.
...you get the car running.
All right.
That was it?
Oh, all right.
Thanks for explaining it to me!
Morning, beautiful.
Uh, gimme some
unleaded, darling.
- How much do you want?
- Oh, just fill her up.
I love that jumper
you've got on.
What's that, Egyptian cotton?
Egypt?
- Well, you...
- Uh-oh,
someone's out
of mayonnaise packets.
I'm just joshing,
I'm fine, thanks.
Say, ma'am, now, I know this is a little
out of the ordinary but I wanted to...
That'll be $12.67.
Righty-oh, let's see here. I just
got to... You go on ahead of me, kimosabe.
No, take your time.
I'm in no hurry.
Okay, uh, what was that?
- 12.67.
- 67.
12.67.
Here we are in game five
and aw, jumping Jupiter, here
comes Rogers from the bullpen,
with the devil in his eyes.
It's not looking
good for our boys.
God, this is embarrassing.
I left my wallet in the car.
Would you believe that? So,
I'm going to go find my friend,
get my wallet, and then
return to... Oh, Scottie.
- Hey, Jack.
- It's my friend. Thank God you're...
- We got to go.
- Why, what's up?
I'm calling
the police.
Terribly sorry, ma'am,
we're going to need this one on credit.
- Thank you, have a nice day!
- Drop it.
Oh!
Don't shoot.
- Please, don't shoot!
- Don't shoot!
- Don't shoot!
- Hold still, sonny!
Hold still, I can get them!
Don't shoot, no!
No, don't shoot!
Hold still!
Don't shoot! No!
No, no, no, ow!
Rogers,
as cool as a be-bopping beatnik,
shaking off calls,
closing in for the kill.
And whoa, whoa, there's Chili
Bowl Davis creeping off third.
And here's the wind up
but wait a second,
Davis is going for it!
He's stealing home!
And Rogers rockets
the ball to home plate...
Holy Hades, they did it!
After a nasty crash...
Oh my god, oh my god, please!
What's going on?
Please call the cops,
call the cops. Lady!
It ain't easy.
Come here, you're okay.
- Hell, no.
- You got to grab it, you know?
You just got to get up in
there and grab it by the horns
and if you don't, it's going
to pass you by, I think.
Are you set?
Are we doing
the interview first?
- Interview first.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
Can you tells us your name,
and where you’re from?
Blue Eyes Montgomery,
I'm from Aberdeen.
Blue Eyes, what’s
your occupation?
Do you really want to know?
They ain't people,
they ain't real people.
Nobody's real people, really.
They're just running
around using each other.
And I'm there to clean them up,
that's what I'm there to do.
Ocean City may have
squeaked out a victory today but they...
I listen to it more now.
I like to...
I like to hear it so I can
see it in my mind more.
You know, more fun that way.
Make it any way you want.
This is unit 16.
Looks like the suspects
are headed west
across those railroad tracks.
That gon' be fun.
Come on, guys,
let me out of here!
- Jesus of Nazareth, Scottie!
- Well, what was I supposed to do?
- Not that, man!
- Hey, man, it worked, didn't it?
So, uh, uh, thank you, Scottie.
Oh, you're welcome, Jack!
He was pissing his pants,
man! That was great!
Yeah, it was great. All right.
- Yeah?
- Let's, let's just dump him out.
No, man, he'll rat us
straight to the cops!
- Okay, all right, man, it's fine.
- All right.
We'll drive to the middle of nowhere.
We'll dump him out there
and by the time he can be any trouble for
us, we'll be, you know, across state lines.
All right, man, but let's
not be too hasty, you know?
I mean, dude's probably
rolling in cash.
- Whoa, whoa!
- Hey, you started this train, Jack.
I'm just trying to keep it rolling for us.
I mean, look, it's either this,
or if you'd like, we could
rob some more gas stations.
- No, we're not robbing anything.
- Hey, shit, you're the boss, man.
- He has got a tie.
- It's a hell of a tie, Jack.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Uh, if we borrow the money
and then we pay him
back when we get there,
- it's not a big deal.
- Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
But look,
we got to play the part,
we got to act tough,
we can't Mickey Mouse this.
What you mean Mickey Mouse, son?
I got this, look!
Ah! Yeah, yeah, no,
maybe, like, just take
it down a little bit.
- I wanted to scare him.
- Yeah, yeah, but there's
a certain subtle civility to
what we're doing here, you know?
- All right, all right.
- Yeah, yeah, maybe split the difference.
- What you want me to do?
- Just like...
- Mmm.
- That's not what... Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What did
I tell you, huh?
- What did I tell you, huh?
- Do what we say!
- Come on, come on, let's see!
- Okay!
Collin Hornsby.
You know something, Collin?
The first
time I laid eyes on you,
the first time I saw you,
I said, there goes a cool guy.
A cool guy who ain't going
to do nothing stupid, remember?
- He said that to me, Collin.
- That's right, right, Collin?
You're a cool guy who ain't going
to do nothing stupid, right?
- Huh, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Say yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Wakeman, Arizona.
Now, what's in Wakeman, Collin?
I mean, what's in
Wakeman, Collin?
My fiancee, who'd be worried,
so you should let me go.
- Oh!
- What was that again?
- What did he just say to us?
- Again?
Go ahead,
say that again, Collin.
Back up.
- I said, you should let me go.
- Uh-uh. He said fiancee.
Collin,
you see, I'd hate to
have to show up
in Wakeman, Arizona,
- and make some trouble for your little fiancee.
- What, no, you...
- Don't talk right now.
- As we've established, Collin, you're a cool,
smart guy, and as such,
I'm sure you can appreciate
the opportunity viable of
a well-timed loan, yeah?
- Yeah. Wait what?
- Say yeah.
We want your money,
Collin, where's it at?
- He's broke!
- New plan!
Well, look, man,
we really appreciate your time!
I wish you the best
of luck, bon voyage!
Good riddance!
All right,
so what's the deal, Jackie?
I mean, the way I see it,
we just keep on robbing places.
- We're not thieves. He's kidding, inside joke.
- How you doing?
So, here's the plan.
I go in, I do my thing.
I make the pitch.
We're going to pay them back
when we find the treasure,
right? It's an IOU.
And, look, we're good people,
they'll help us out.
Of course,
from time to time, uh,
they may not
buy what we're selling
and it might be necessary to,
you know, play the part.
Play the part.
Give us the money!
Yeah!
Your idea is just my idea.
- No, no.
- Kind of.
I don't feel like you're listening, man.
You see, what I'm going to do
is I'm going to write down the,
you know, address of wherever we go.
- Uh-huh.
- Write down what we took
and let them know that I'm going
to be sending it back to them.
It's not stealing
if we pay them back
when we get where we're
going. That's just a...
- Sure.
- Forced loan, right?
It's kind of,
it was like my idea,
but then just, you know,
more lying and dishonesty.
That makes sense, yeah.
What if they're packing?
Yeah, about that...
Sure was easier
having Collin around.
That's something.
All right,
here we go. Okay.
- Oh, come on.
- Collin!
Buddy, hey!
- Buddy, it's us!
- We just want to hang out, man!
You're making it harder
for yourself, Collin.
Come on!
You can't run
from a car, Collin!
- I can try!
- Where you going?
Look, we've got a mutually
beneficial proposition for you!
You're making things more
difficult than they got to be, man!
- Stop it, no!
- Collin!
- Leave me alone!
- This doesn't have to be hard, Collin!
- No, leave me alone!
- You want a water?
I got a cup of water in the car.
Come on, man, Collin.
You look tired, man,
get in the car.
Not again!
All right, Collin.
Say, what line of
work you in, man?
No, no, no, we don't need
to be talking to him,
getting all buddy buddy, and
you're making friends with him?
Bosco and Bosco.
- Oh, okay!
- I work at a catalog.
I take the calls
and then manage the sales.
Catalog man,
that's, that's good business!
- Shut up, it's not good business!
- I'm just trying to grease
the wheels, all right? You catch
more flies with honey than vinegar.
- Oh, no, no.
- I'll tell him about the thing.
Yeah, come on, let's tell
him about the treasure.
- No.
- Yeah, look.
Collin, you ever been
to California, man?
- No.
- Well, you see, Collin,
they got this place way out
west called San Clemente.
Great beaches, beautiful
sand, crystalline waters.
They got something else
that makes it special, Collin.
- Do you know what that is?
- No.
Buried treasure,
hidden loot just for us, man.
- Golden coins, Collin!
- Hundreds of them, Collin.
- Probably thousands.
- Possible millions, Collin.
Possibly! That's why
I'm glad we're friends
'cause we want
to share it with you.
- Our best friend.
- Now, of course, getting there,
we're going to need
a little bit of help.
So, what
we're asking you, Collin,
is are you ready
to be part of the big time, huh?
Jack and Scottie
and their hostage gang.
- We'll work on the name.
- Little Buddy Gang.
Yeah, that's good.
Jesus, man, are you crying?
- No, you can't cry in here.
- No, Collin, man.
There's no need for
you to be crying.
No, we're not like...
we're just doing a thing, we're playing.
We're doing a thing right now.
We're just like you, man.
We're regular guys.
We're just like you.
I can't believe
this is happening!
All 'cause I had to pee
and so, I couldn't just stop.
I had to keep... All because
I went to the stupid Pump N Stump.
I had to pee!
You two stupid heads grab me
and you held a knife
to my fricking throat!
That's dangerous,
I eat through that throat!
All right, I'm not mean, I'm not a
criminal! I'm tired and I'm hungry!
Trash, you're just human trash, and you're not
letting me eat and you're not letting me leave!
I could've brought
the cheese poofs with us!
You guys are like,
"No, you don't get to eat!"
And now, I'm starving.
What do you think is going to happen?
I'm going to give you a million dollars?
I don't have a million dollars.
I belong at the Sizzler
having a baked potato and...
We all like baked potatoes, man.
We're the same.
My whole family fucking
loves baked potatoes.
I don't care about you and your family!
I just want two things!
To leave and to eat!
I'll do them in either order!
All right.
You done, man?
Yeah.
Welcome to Frostop.
Can I take your order?
All right, fellas. Let's do a...
I'm going to go with a chicken on a
stick, uh, fried pickles. Uh...
- Okay.
- ...two orders of fries, one with the cheese,
- one with the gravy.
- All right, all right.
Look, man, I asked for a
milkshake, he got fried pickles.
If he's getting fried pickles,
I want a milkshake and fried pickles!
Collin, I think we're
going to have to downsize
that order a bit so we
can make it to the next town.
- But I'm hungry.
- But you're not going to finish all that,
- so just pick one.
- All right, then, uh, double hamburger...
No, man. Just get a single
hamburger like the rest of us.
Fine, single hamburger
with cheese...
I'm not made of money,
Collin. I tell you what.
Uh, we're going to go
and do three of the, uh...
oh, look at that,
cheese sandwiches.
Everyone like cheese?
Three cheese sandwiches.
- Yum.
- And, uh...
- one cheese sandwich all day.
- One cheese sandwich!
Water. Uh, large water.
- Anything else?
- Yeah, call the cops!
- I'm a hostage...
- Nope, no, no.
That's got it!
All right, pull up.
Oh, like they'd do it.
- You look really cool.
- You think so?
Yeah, like...
no, really, really cool.
- You think it's going to scare them?
- Well, yeah.
- Whoever is in there?
- It's definitely distinctive.
- They'll remember you.
- Guys, we can't do this!
- Stealing is wrong.
- Yeah, yeah, wrong. That's cool, man.
Come on, Collin,
don't let your tribe down.
- It's not all about you.
- Look, Collin, it's very simple, man.
You just go in there
like regular.
You just
shop around, like regular,
and then we're going to come in
and do the hostage thing.
- Like regular, Collin.
- Yeah!
- No, guys, they'll kill me!
- Look, they might kill you,
but if you don't go in there,
I definitely will.
Oh, Collin, you know what?
I believe in you, and, uh, I
know you'll do the right thing.
Boop!
Or I'll kill you.
♪ That famous day in history
the men of the seventh Cavalry ♪
♪ Went riding on ♪
♪ And from the rear
a voice was heard ♪
♪ A brave young man
with a trembling word ♪
♪ Rang loud and clear ♪
♪ What am I doing here? ♪
♪ Please, Mr. Custer ♪
♪ I don't want to go ♪
♪ Hey, Mr. Custer ♪
♪ Please don't make me go ♪
♪ I had a dream last night ♪
♪ About the coming fight ♪
♪ Somebody yelled, attack ♪
♪ And there I stood with
an arrow in my back ♪
Um, listen, listen, ma'am.
There's... This is about
to be a robbery, okay?
What?
I said this is going to be a
robbery, so please listen to me.
- Oh, shit.
- You have to call the police.
Oh, shit. Just don't hurt me!
Don't hurt me, okay?
I'm not trying to hurt you!
I'm trying to help you!
Ready for my close-up,
Jackie boy.
White,
sandy beaches, baby.
Police, call them!
- You have the phone!
- Oh, well, okay.
- There's got to be a phone!
- I guess that's how
- we're doing it.
- Why aren't you paying attention to what
- I'm saying?
- Good afternoon, I have a proposal for you.
In good time, these investments
will be repaid with dividends.
And we will leave you and this innocent hostage alone.
- Hey!
- Holy shit.
- That went well, huh?
- Yeah.
Dude, experts, man,
that's what we are!
Damn!
Here we go.
All right, little buddy,
we'll be right back.
- What do you mean right back?
- Right back.
We're coming to
buy fireworks is what...
Yeah, two Roman
candles for my friend here,
- who forgot to pay.
- Buying things.
- Is that it? Okay.
- Okay, that's it.
what about 400 best fireworks, man?
All right,
is that everything?
Wait,
fireworks? That's...
You all are risking
my life to buy fireworks?
No, no, no, no, no,
we got to start spending
some of that money on
feeding me, all right?
And something good, all right?
No more cheese sandwiches.
Here's the list of restaurants that I'm
willing to eat at in descending order.
Number one, Sizzler.
Number two,
I don't know the name of it
but it was that place where we
got those really good burgers.
- Sorry, Jack.
- You're the one who's going to blow up your own car.
Oh, hell, looks like
they're headed right for us.
We going to have to bust
these poor boys.
Hot damn, you better bet
your sweet bippy, baby!
And you, you might want to
get your hair done, darling.
'Cause after I take these
two bozos down...
every paper
in the tri-county area
is going to be
knocking on that door.
Come in!
Three gas depots in two days.
Who says they'll strike again?
All right, this will
be just mighty fine.
They can make
my picture right here
in front of these plaques.
Ooh. I'll be on the cover
of "People" magazine.
I'm going
to meet President Carter,
go to dinner with
Farrah Fawcett.
It's all
happening too fast.
Wait, wait.
I could sing the national anthem
at Dallas Cowboys game.
♪ Oh say can you see ♪
♪ By the dawn's early... ♪
Hell, they are going
to make me mayor.
They're going to make me
mayor of Hero-town!
Sweet dreaming
little tater head.
By now, they're probably
desperate and miserable.
You weren't eating like
this before you came across us.
- No, you were not!
- Hey, I know I'm doubting.
No, you were not
eating like this.
I've a chicken on
a stick before.
- I mean...
- You've had a dashboard full of food before.
I'll admit I've never eaten
a car full of food but...
- There you go.
- That's what I'm trying to say!
I think America is
the land of freedom for anyone.
Getting out of small towns,
getting to the big city.
I'm a firm believer
in hard work.
If you work hard, you'll, you'll be
able to get everything that you want.
As long as you
pull up your bootstraps.
I guess I kind of
think that's bullshit.
Dreamers and schemers.
No, I'm a doer.
I'm a taker.
The American Dream
is our prerogative,
you know, to, to, to manifest our
destiny, you know? Uh, uh, uh.
Make it happen for yourself.
I had a dream a couple weeks ago
that I was, like, in a claw machine
and I was one of the bears
and, like, my father
was not grabbing me.
I don't know
what that meant but.
Don't be afraid to give up
and start a new dream.
I mean, there's
no shame in that.
♪ I once had a life ♪
♪ Or rather life had me ♪
♪ I was one among many ♪
♪ Or at least I seemed to be ♪
♪ Well, I read an old quotation
in a book just yesterday ♪
♪ Said, going to reap
just what you sow ♪
♪ The debts you
make you have to pay ♪
♪ Can you get to that ♪
♪ Can you get ♪
♪ I want to know ♪
♪ I want to know
if you can get to that ♪
♪ Can you get ♪
♪ I want to know
if you can get to that ♪
♪ I recollect
with a mixed emotions ♪
♪ All the good times
we used to have ♪
♪ But you were
making preparations ♪
♪ For the coming separation ♪
♪ And you blew
everything we had ♪
♪ When you base
your love on credit ♪
♪ And your loving days
are done ♪
♪ Checks you signed
with a love and kisses ♪
♪ Later come back signed
insufficient funds... ♪
Shouldn't we...
shouldn't you guys cool it?
- You're going to get caught.
- And how are they going to catch us?
- You going to snitch?
- I'm not a snitch.
You sound
like a snitch.
I'm not a snitch!
Yeah, gotcha.
Okay, yes, sir.
Another robbery
out past Piedmont.
Last seen heading west
on Old County Road.
Think it's them?
Who's on duty?
♪ Banner yet wave ♪
♪ Over the land of the free ♪
♪ And the home of ♪
♪ The brave ♪
Thank you. Thank you.
♪ Working
my fingers to the bone ♪
♪ Back on the old grindstone ♪
Woo!
♪ Going this long ♪
♪ Without a life ♪
♪ Tear a good man in half ♪
♪ But I got dreams ♪
♪ Breaking out of here ♪
♪ But it'll be a long time ♪
♪ Before I'm in the clear ♪
♪ I won't be at my next shift ♪
♪ Never going to see me again ♪
♪ I'll be on the train
with my friends ♪
♪ 'Cause I've got dreams ♪
♪ Driving round ♪
♪ Catching
my breath with my feet ♪
♪ On fresh ground ♪
Sorry about
your mom, man.
Oh, thanks, bud.
You think it's real?
The coins and the treasure
and stuff?
Well, I feel like you're
missing the point.
All right.
When I was a kid, I was
real afraid of the water
'cause all the creeks were ever
full of cottonmouths and shit.
- Snakes.
- Yeah.
So, this one time we went
on a real deal, you know,
picket fence type of family
vacation, beach trip.
- San Clemente!
- Yeah, that's right.
And, uh, you know,
we got out to the beach,
and it was beautiful
but I just... I wouldn't go in.
I was too scared.
So...
On the very last night,
she came and got me
out of bed, took me beyond
the boardwalk, under a pier.
And we're standing there,
we're looking at the water and, uh...
you know, sure enough,
there was a little,
a golden glint in
the water, in the surface.
Snake!
No,
a coin presumably, uh.
And so, I'm looking at it,
just wide-eyed.
And she's looking at me looking at it.
And so, my mama says to me,
"Well...
have you got the balls
or haven't you?"
Well... did you?
Did you have the balls?
I, uh, got in halfway
and froze up, nearly drowned.
- Got right in over my head.
- Yeah, he's kind of got a knack for that, Collin.
But, uh, you know,
she scooped me out, obviously.
Sounds like a great mom.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you know,
she left us the next summer,
so maybe jury is still
out on that one but, uh...
Woo!
Hi-yah!
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
- How?
- ♪ Round and round ♪
- Where?
- ♪ They go round and round ♪
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
♪ All day... ♪
Doris...
what kind of whiskey
did them boys steal
from that gas
station in Piedmont?
And
we're back into game six
of this World Classic.
Let's see,
I just had that.
Oh, it looks like
that Guitreau brand.
I'm out at
the campgrounds on 51.
Now, where is
the nearest liquor store?
At least you could
of put some pants on first.
Are you uncomfortable
with my masculine nudity?
It's just the nudity,
it's not...
Okay, allowances.
- Uh, allowances.
- Wait, I should go get the facepaint first
- before we do this.
- No, man, no.
Look, we're...
playing it straight, man.
We've got plenty. Here.
That's wasteful, man.
We can just keep the money.
What? That's the deal.
You get some and I get the rest.
Drinks, drinks, drinks, drinks.
This is my favorite!
- Yeah, why is that?
- 'Cause it's blue!
Get the red, and then I got the blue
and it's like.
- Oh, yeah, cool.
- Do you know why I get the blue ones, Jack?
- No, why's that?
- Blue-lina!
That's your girlfriend, huh?
No, well, her name's Bohlina
but I say Blue-lina
- 'cause it sounds like...
- Aw, it's cute, man.
No.
Psst!
Looks like
The Star Spangled Bandit.
- What?
- The Star Spangled Bandit.
There's a big
reward for him, man.
That's him.
Holy shit!
And then she's got these hips.
Like, two...
like, she's got two hips.
- Two sets of hips?
- Yeah, no.
Damn, you really
think that's him?
According to that article,
man, they say he's tall,
he's good looking, he's fast.
And you just, you just move in,
and then I go, muah, muah, muah.
- All right, okay, yeah, cool.
- As I, muah, muah, muah.
It's like muah, muah.
- That's really sweet, man.
- It's so sweet.
What about this one though?
Bet he's the worst
of the whole lot, huh?
El Pavo?
Nah, he's like a sidekick.
- Say what?
- A sidekick.
Everybody knows The Bandit
is calling the shots.
- You got something on your...
- No, stop messing with my hair!
- Come on. Just hold still.
- I'm going to be all nerdy!
El Pavo Bebe?
What's that mean, huh?
Why, why do they call him that?
Oh, that means a,
you know, a little turkey.
- Little turkey?
- Bird that can't fly, you know.
- Man!
- In some places pavo means, uh, peacock.
All right, all right, I heard.
He's the bird that can't fly!
'Cause they didn't see me,
'cause if they would've seen...
Oh, shit. Um...
- That's right.
- Take it easy.
All right, all right,
this is a holdup.
- Take it easy.
- Oh, Jesus, he's got a knife.
- Look at him.
- This is a holdup from the, uh,
not the Little Turkey,
that's definitely for sure.
- No, no, no, whoa!
- We're in the paper, man.
- Oh, congratulations!
- Yeah, well, no, no, not congrats!
- They mucked it all up!
- Well, any publicity is good publicity, Scottie.
No, no.
Hey, I'm the Indian Brave!
No, no, no, no, uh,
scratch that.
- I'm the... uh, the Aztec.
- Whatever you say, Pavo.
Not the Pavo! No! I'm, uh,
- the Apache Warrior!
- Oh, that's good, yeah!
Yeah,
I'm the Apache Warrior, man!
And you're scared of me!
And I'm going to take
anything I want, all right?
- Okay.
- I'm going to pay for this though.
- 79 cents.
- 79 cents, what a deal, you guys!
- Oh, my god.
- Big time, baby, big time!
You tell the papers
that you were scared!
You fear my war cry!
- Whoop whoop!
- Oh, boy.
- What? What was that?
- Try it again.
That was not my war cry!
It was a joke, and I was
messing with you 'cause I'm...
- Try again, try it again.
- Yeah, it's like, it's like...
Whoa!
I'll be up front,
don't worry, guys, I got this.
- Officer.
- We can explain everything.
I got them.
You all are stupid!
Don't it make a jackrabbit
spit in a bulldog's face.
What do we have here?
In the flesh.
The Star Spangled Bandit
and The Turkey whatever...
No, man. Apache Warrior.
If you can call me Apache...
Shut up!
You all
are pathetic.
You got see no evil,
speak no evil, and stupid.
I'm sorry that I had
to rain on your parade,
but it is over!
This is bullshit, you know! This guy
on the end, he didn't even do shit!
Yeah, I didn't do anything.
I'm innocent.
- Please let me go.
- It's true, sir.
- Tell it to the judge.
- Don't worry, man,
- I'm not going to let you take the fall for this.
- It's okay, Jack.
I coerced him in to all of that.
I'm sorry about everything.
- It's okay.
- No, it's not!
- No, it's not okay!
- No, no, Jack,
it was a good dream.
I'm sorry they caught us
but we're going to die
in prison together.
We're not
going to prison, Collin.
We're going
to die in prison.
We're definitely
going to prison.
Yeah, your dead mom
would be proud of you.
- I think so, too.
- Yeah, she's smiling from wherever she's buried.
Hey, I think we can get
out of these handcuffs.
- Mm-hmm.
- Use your feet.
- We are at 38 and Main.
- You all aren't magicians.
- No, you'll make things worse!
- Collin, use your feet.
Nope, I don't need no backup.
I don't
need no backup.
Owens,
could you repeat that?
No, I said I'll be back there in
about two shakes of a lamb's ta...
Two shakes
of a lambs tail.
Two shakes of a what?
I'll be back in two
shakes of a lamb's tail.
Owens?
You, you...
and you.
I ain't supposed to talk
to strangers,
so I reckon you can get.
Go!
Go on!
Owens, come in
four-two-seven, over.
And now, Jooly Booly Rogers,
the Mad Dogs' star pitcher,
finally gets his turn at
bat, and he smells blood.
His alligator eyes flashing
as he squares up to the mound.
The wind up,
here comes the pitch.
Into outer space, whoa!
Yes, friends, it is out of here!
Oh, geez.
As we wrap up the eighth, this could be the
end of the road for our hometown heroes.
I heard you like
fireworks, Jack.
Me too.
Back when
I was used to play ball,
they used to bust
so close over my head.
I could feel the heat.
That's all I wanted...
was for Ma to say good game.
That's what them
fireworks meant!
- Hello?
- I got them, Ma.
Put him on.
Jack?
Poor, stupid Jack.
You got a price on your head
higher than
a blue ribbon piggie,
and I'm going to be the one
that brings you in to slaughter.
If you'd like to make a
call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up,
and then dial your operator.
Hey, you!
Don't, don't do it!
Oh, no. No, no, no.
There you is little cricket.
All nice and sweet.
Why don't you
put that gun down...
before I rip your legs...
Scottie, you okay?
Got to get Jack out of here.
Jack, wake up! Wake up, Jack!
You got to wake up. You got
to wake up, Jack. You got to.
Don't die. Don't die,
you got to wake up.
And so, for one final game,
the Outlaws...
Where we going, fellas?
And where are your bags?
We love trips.
You and me, man.
San Clemente, San Clemente!
♪ There's plenty of gold
in world we're told ♪
♪ On the banks of San Clemente ♪
Well...
I don't, I don't really know
if it's for everybody.
You know, I don't know if
everybody can really go for it.
Sometimes you just can't.
Don't quit, don't get stuck.
No matter what anybody
tells you, keep trying.
Watch your back,
you know what I'm saying?
It's a crazy world out there.
Some girls just
ain't pretty enough.
It just ain't
in their heritage.
Gas shortages
are keeping folks off the roads.
The cost is too high.
No one wants
to leave their home.
America,
founded on Westward expansion
has gone and over
expanded itself.
Too little jelly
over too much toast.
And here's our weather report...
- Where are we, man?
- Outside Santa Fe.
- Did you kill her?
- She's still out there.
Got this though.
- Oh!
- That's a sweet piece of metal, Collin.
So,
we're friends, right?
- Collin!
- Uh, yeah, no, man, we're really...
- We're best friends, Collin.
- Yeah, all right, so I got to thinking last night,
I had some time to think.
And you know,
you guys have really put me
through hell this whole time.
I mean, all the hold ups,
the hostages, the knife.
I mean, I'm going to get fired
over this, that's for sure.
I shot that girl.
My shoes, my shoes are really
nasty now, you know?
And all the while, I have to
think, you know, what's happening?
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I making these choices
that lead to these situations?
Am I letting this happen? So, I think
it's time we do something different.
You going to kill us?
We're going to Wakeman, boys.
My man.
So, uh, Wakeman, huh?
That's interesting.
You never really told us what
happened with you and your old lady.
No, no, no, no, no,
I'm a private person
and we're keeping that private.
Case closed, no way.
All right.
And so she says,
to me, she says,
"I'm moving to Arizona.
I want you to move with me."
- Go with her!
- But I had a good job, you know?
- Oh!
- I mean, catalogs is good business.
You said it yourself!
Catalogs is good business!
You dumb son of a bitch!
Collin, she loves you, man.
Bang!
Is that it?
You think that's funny?
Bang, bang, bang!
Okay, all right!
Okay, okay, good joke.
Look at
the old Apache Warrior,
crying like a baby.
The Baby Pavo!
Dying ain't much
of a living, boy.
Round here,
due process is a bullet.
We deal in lead, friend.
Aw, hell.
They ID'd us.
- What?
- Yeah.
Uh, hostage identity
still unknown. You're good, man.
What did it say about me?
Uh, "Scottie Aldo, 20s,
indeterminate race,
uh, serial offender."
Come on, man. Me!
- Yeah.
- "Scottie Aldo."
I got my name
in the papers!
It's the big time, Jack.
That's all we need.
Go on, Collin, pick them up.
All right, but only
because I want to pick them up.
Hey, Jack,
check this out.
This one goes here
and the big bottle
goes on the big rock.
Don't shoot him in the...
Scottie, man.
I seen a bird!
He looked like he was coming at
you, so I was going to shoot him.
- Don't shoot me!
- All right, now bend over.
Hello?
Great thundering
Christ Almighty!
They was mean,
they shot me, they did.
Well, then next time,
you shoot them back.
You hear me?
Hello?
Ma, I can't sleep no more.
Oh, Blue.
You want a story?
Yeah.
Once, there was
a wise, wise king
who was having trouble
with some wicked peasants.
So she called on
her favorite knight
to hunt them dead.
Okay.
The end.
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
This going to be it.
♪ Like I'm almost ♪
♪ Gone ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like I'm almost gone ♪
♪ Long, long way from home ♪
♪ Long, long way from home ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like a motherless child ♪
Aw hell, why you
had to go get yourself killed?
Now I got to get
these boys killed.
Everybody is killing everybody.
Put out a bulletin
across state lines.
We need cop cars out,
we need road blocks,
we need a car at every
gas station this side of Mexico.
Sure thing.
All right,
all right, all right.
Let's see, let's see, let's see.
Uh, rack my brain,
rack my brain.
Come on,
buddy, you got this.
I spy something white.
All right, is it, uh,
light and fluffy?
- Yeah.
- Is it a cloud?
That was quick, Collin.
Well, you know,
you're not very good at this.
My turn.
I spy with my little eye
something,
that's trouble, police.
Whoa, stop the car!
Okay, we should
probably turn around.
Oh, no,
we should definitely.
All right,
I'm just going to back it up.
Technically no one
guessed police barricade,
so I still won that round.
All right,
so what, we wait it out
or just go back the way we came?
There's no going back, man.
She's coming for us,
we're trapped.
Let's go to Mexico.
- I know Collin's down.
- I don't like nachos,
You do like nachos.
I do not like nachos.
Why do you keep saying...
Guys, if we go into Mexico
as wanted men,
there's no coming back.
That's the point, Jack!
Why would we?
We could be infamous
banditos, man!
Butch and Sundance-style!
We'll go straight through.
What,
like a blaze of glory?
Slow and steady,
plain sight.
They've
seen our faces.
They know who we are.
Not Collin.
- Oh, guys, I don't, I don't know about that.
- No, I know.
And even if I knew about
that, I mean, they know the car!
I got a plan.
Oh, wait, Collin,
give me a cigarette real quick.
Oh, yeah,
I'll be right back.
He ain't coming back.
Okay, you can do this.
You got this. You're just going to drive
up to them and you're going to say,
"Hey, I'm Collin." And they'll be
like, "Oh, I'm a police officer."
And then they'll ask for your ID
and you'll give it to them.
Anything gets into trouble,
you can handle this, Collin.
Don't throw up. Whatever you do,
don't throw up on them.
- Give them hell, man.
- No! Don't give them hell, just be cool.
Just shut up!
- Howdy.
- Uh, howdy.
License.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I have that.
I, I have my... just got to...
It's in here.
Here you go.
- Pretty far from home.
- Oh, yeah, um.
Uh, got a lady in Wakeman.
Um, everything,
uh, everything all right?
Everything
all right for you?
Yeah, no, it's nice.
- A little hot.
- Say, Ed!
You got to pen?
- All right then, drive safe.
- You too.
Just gun it, man!
Just gun it!
We got a problem, wait a second!
- Shit, shit.
- Put your hands on the wheel!
- Okay.
- Put your hands on the wheel, right now!
Drop it! Drop it!
What are you doing? No!
What the hell? Goddammit, dude!
No, what is this?
This was not the plan!
- You said gun it, Jack!
- That's not what gun it means!
Sir, if I said you gun it,
you would think?
What would you think?
What would you think I meant?
- Pull out the gun, man!
- No, nobody thinks that!
- If I...
- Guns and keys, if you please!
- Guns and keys!
- Jack, it was a little misleading.
- It was not misleading!
- Everybody knows that gun it...
- It was very misleading!
- I'm a innocent hostage,
by the way, officer, and I put my
hands on the wheel like you said.
- Toss them, toss them!
- Okay, I'm going to toss them.
- All right.
- There you go.
Boys, you just been bamboozled
by the one and only,
Apache Warrior!
Whoa, why are you still doing that?
All right, Apache Warrior,
I'm giving you my gun.
- Come on, come on!
- Don't do it, Ed.
- Don't do it, Ed.
- I'm giving him my gun.
Ed, don't do it.
Dammit, Ed!
Glad you're laughing, man.
Glad you think that was funny.
- You all right?
- Hell, yeah, I'm all right, Jack!
- Woo!
- You all right, man?
I'm good.
Oh, shit, oh, shit!
Look, it went in one end
and out the other.
In one end and out the other!
We can fix it, Jack!
We just plug up the hole,
that's it!
What? We got to
get him to a hospital.
If we go to a hospital right
now, they're going to find us!
Guys, guys, I'm fine.
I "deal in lead," remember?
Watch, I can...
Nope, nope, nope.
Look at this guy,
he's like a fountain!
I'm just going to, I'm just
going to take a little nap.
No, stay awake, man!
- Hey, hey, Collin.
- Wakeman?
Hey, there's my guy!
Hey, buddy,
we're going to get
you to the next town.
Hey...
Jack.
Hey.
We're going to get
you to a hospital.
They're going to get you
patched up, all right?
You're going to be spic'n'span
for your big day with Bohlina.
- Jack.
- What?
I'm glad I had to pee
at the Pump N Stump.
Hey, hey!
Help us!
Can somebody help us?
Think he's going
to be all right?
I don't know.
Damn.
I'm going to miss that guy.
He got blood
all over his tie.
- Hell of a tie too.
- Hell of a tie.
What the hell was that, man?
I was just cleaning up your mess, Jack.
I didn't hurt anyone.
Yeah, man, people got hurt.
It wasn't my plan.
Never is.
Wasn't Collin's plan either.
Hey, you know,
if you don't like the plan,
you don't have to come
along for the plan, man!
You can get out anytime, man!
Yeah, you know what, just g...
Yeah, you know what, screw you, man.
You don't get no gold, or shrimp or...
or nothing.
There's
nothing there, man.
Shrimp pasta sounds
nasty anyway.
Hey!
Hey!
Fuck!
Maybe next year?
There's always next year?
Well, fuck you.
Good things just don't happen.
I don't know who told you that.
Your dreams ain't never
going to come true.
No, 200 years from now, nobody
is going to know who you were.
And someday,
you're going to wake up...
and you're going to realize
that you are a fuck up.
I don't know, it's like...
it's like, you roll the dice...
you pay the price.
Nothing comes free.
Nothing comes free
in this world.
Oh, daggum!
Looks like it's over
before it started. What a shame.
What?
You win.
I want to end this.
Well, Jack!
I am in the presence
of real celebrity!
You know
what a goddamn honor it is
to be talking to you, Jack?
Look, you can have whatever
you want, all right?
You want, you want money,
I got money for you.
You want my car?
You can have my car.
I want you, Jack.
On a platter.
Well, uh,
pardon me for saying so
but that's no way
to make a deal.
No.
Oh, you stupid,
dumb, son of a bitch.
You don't know, do you?
We got your friend.
He was trying
to knock over a bank.
Luckily,
little Blue answered the call
before the coppers could.
So, this is what
we're going to do.
You are going to drive
and meet Blue
one mile into the desert
off of Exit 70.
You get Scottie.
I get you.
And Blue... gets the gold.
One hour, Jack.
Drive safe.
Grab your grills
and granny too, folks!
It's clear skies for America's birthday
here in sunny Southern California.
The firework show starts up behind
Veterans Memorial Airfield at sundown.
In national news,
after a bungled bank job,
authorities say they're closing
in on the notorious crime duo
known as the Star Spangled
Bandit and the Apache Warrior.
The fate of their
hostage remains unknown.
Well, folks, that's all
from Breezy Bob McKee.
Uh, all right, uh, Jack Buckner.
I was born in Buckatunna but I
live in Aberdeen now, Mississippi.
Number one thing is to know
what you're doing, man.
If you don't have a plan,
you got nothing, uh.
Number two thing is to stick with it.
Number three is to find the folks
who are going to help
you along the way.
When I was a little kid,
I just figured I had to be a mechanic
like my pop, you know? Because I
didn't think I had any other shot.
But the fact
of the matter is this,
a man can do whatever
he pleases to do.
Think anyone can
achieve the dream?
No, it's easy, man.
You just got to have the balls.
Why'd you
come back, Jack?
Bank robbery, huh?
Did you clean up?
- While they were closed.
- Oh, shit.
That's actually
a pretty good idea.
How'd you do?
I couldn't get in.
Oh, closed.
Shot out every one of them
windows though.
Looks like
it's time, boys.
All right, Blue,
all right.
Square deal.
You get me, Scottie goes free.
No, Jack.
I'm going to shoot you, I is.
And it's going to be fun too.
Always wanted to be
a pitcher, I did.
Ain't it funny how
I became a catcher instead?
Strike one, you stole
my Ma's money and skipped town.
Strike three, Jack.
You talk too much.
I said there were a lot of
them damn windows, Blue!
Woo,
that was smooth, man!
She's out of there!
Who's the umpire now, Blue?
That was it?
Come on, boys!
Go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Get it!
Go!
Woo!
And check
out Jooly Booly on the mound,
he is spitting mad!
Here's the pitch and oof!
Whizzes right by Pops McGee.
A little too close for comfort.
Oh, that's strike one.
And the pitch, low and outside.
He got him, strike two.
It's all been fun
and games until now.
Rogers winding up, here he goes.
Rockets the ball over the plate.
A swing and a miss, two outs.
We're going to die!
I know!
But maybe if we
don't want to, I had a thought!
- Okay!
- Like a plan, Jack.
If we want to do things
my way for once.
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
- And when I count to four...
- Four? Why not three?
- It's my plan Jack, I like four!
- All right, fine,
just hurry, Scottie.
Go, go, go, go!
Ocean
City still down by two.
Two outs,
and all eyes are on Davis.
This could be
the impossible Cinderella story.
Do it.
A mad dash for home!
Chili Bowl Davis
rounding second.
- The ball is scooped!
- One!
Davis is going to go for it!
He's nuts, he's rounding third
now but here comes the ball!
Whoo, come on, boys!
Two!
On a collision
course with the catcher!
Three!
Four.
Did they get him?
Did the catcher hang onto it?
He is...
...out, out.
Aw, Jesus, and the outlaws lose.
Come on out, fellas!
And Rogers
is getting a hero's ovation.
Living legend, living legend.
Christ, it's hot today.
It's a lot of heat.
Well.
Here they come.
Go get us one of them good spots at the
beach, Jack. I'm gonna go lose them.
No, no, man, I'll lose them.
You go, all right?
I'll fight you for it.
Loser takes the fall.
Come on.
Apache Warrior
squares up with him.
One, one, two!
That was a hard hit.
Here he comes again!
He's a maniac! He's crazy!
Good hit, good hit!
One, one, two!
Oh, wait, he's shook.
Lightning Jack sees his opening!
Apache Warrior isn't ready.
The hit, here it comes!
And the hit!
You got me.
I guess I got to go
take the fall now.
I'm going to go get
my face in them papers.
It's going to look good too.
And you,
you go get your shrimp pasta!
Pull over, stop the vehicle.
Woohoo!
♪ Nothing is the same now
nothing ♪
♪ No one is so safe now no one ♪
♪ There's so much I don't know
so much ♪
♪ Nothing is the same now... ♪
Scottie!
Mr. Scottie, Mr. Scottie!
Scottie!
Mr. Scottie, Mr. Scottie!
You're the talk of the town!
You know what?
Bad dogs never get
put down easy.
We apprehended
the Apache Warrior,
but the Star Spangled Bandit,
well, we found pieces
of his body exploded
all over the middle
of the desert.
You get what you put in.
Damn shame.
Sometimes, what you
wanted wasn't the best thing
or even the right thing.
You just got to go for it.
Hope that somehow, in the end,
it all works out.
I don't think just anybody
can achieve their dream,
you know?
I think... it takes
a little something,
it takes a little heart.
Um, I mean,
everybody's got heart,
but... I guess
not everybody uses it.
Some people be thinking
with their heads too much.
♪ Nothing is the same now
nothing ♪
♪ Nothing ♪
Here's my advice to you, is,
don't just sit there, all right?
All right.
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like I'm almost gone ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like I'm almost gone ♪
♪ Long, long way from home ♪
♪ Long, long way from home ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like a motherless child ♪
You have to really know
what you really want to be
and what you really want to do.
I think...
it's just to have love.
To have a family.
Sir,
could you please not do that?
I mean, figured getting
my picture in the paper.
Yeah, I'mma be somebody.
- They're going to see.
- Two cars for every garage.
Hell yes, my friend.
Two garages for every house.
Hell, that's four cars all day.
Oh, a beauty queen.
Even a county fair beauty queen.
Any kind of beauty queen!
It's kind of like
hunting a turkey.
You got to line up the shot.
Man, I'm just trying
to keep peace.
At the end of the day,
everybody deserves life,
liberty and...
Bam!
That's my dream.
What's my...
You know, man, uh,
all anybody's looking for
is making something happen for
themselves, you know?
Just a matter of finding
a place you can do that.
Step one, make a plan.
Step two...
Come on now!
Quit your yappin' boy!
Dream big, see what happens.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we got a real
opportunity here today!
Not just the fight of the year
but the wager of the century!
- Now, I know you got debts, let's make some bets!
- Let's do it, yeah!
In this corner,
we got Scottie The Wildman Aldo!
Yeah, and more
importantly, in this corner,
we got sharp as a tack
Lightning Jack!
All right, yeah.
Bet big or go home, woo!
All right, folks,
all bets are final!
This is for all the chili dogs!
Get him again!
Get him, get him!
Get him, get him, get him!
Yeah!
Stick to the plan,
take the fall!
Get him now!
Get him while he's down!
Oh, he's down!
Ladies and gentlemen, it was
a knock out! I mean, look!
This, this man is dead!
- Wait minute, wait a minute!
- Somebody call an ambulance!
Give him some water! Everybody
back off, give him some room.
I'm just, I'm just
going to go seek help!
Hey, hey, get him!
Hey!
Hey!
Did it again,
Jackie boy!
Yeah, not bad!
Hey, where's the cash?
Aw, shit!
If you think about it, you should be grabbing
the cash while they're looking at me.
Look, it's nobody's fault you forgot
the cash and obliterated my cool plan.
We're on to bigger
and better things.
Hey, I just don't see
why I always gotta
take the fall.
All right, I'm listening.
What if next time we do,
like, characters?
You know,
like cowboys and Indians.
That's the big time
that I'm talking about.
Yeah, I like that, but I do feel
like you're kind of missing
the point though,
'cause I mean, that's just...
man, all this, all right,
the scams, this, this job,
the suspiciously generous loans
from the King. That's all just, uh, it's
a means to an end is what it is, you see?
'Cause step one,
I got my car up and running,
which brings us to step two.
We just raise a little more money
to put some gas
money in said car,
which brings us promptly
on to step three,
which is someday,
and someday soon, my friend,
you and me are going to be.
Uh-huh. You know You've been saying
that since we were 12 years old, Jack.
Except nobody ever gets
out of here, do they?
Ah, that's not entirely true.
My... my mama made it
out of here.
Yeah, but your mama wasn't
drowning in debt to King George.
Well.
If it ain't my two favorite dishwashers!
How we doing, boys?
Let me see them winnings! Huh?
Well, you know it's
a funny thing, Mack...
It is a funny thing 'cause
I'm going to be able to pay off
the King and have
enough money left over
for the Fourth of July!
Get those big old
rockets loud as hell!
You know what, hell,
you boys are invited!
We'll get shit-faced and piss
of the neighbors!
You see uh, uh,
about that, Mack,
we had like a little bit
of an issue with the money.
"Sure thing," you told me!
"Not to worry, we're gonna double
your money!" That's what you said!
Well, no, Mack,
I believe what I said was...
No, I know what you said!
You said, "I got a plan, man!"
Oh shit, all right,
calm down now.
- We're gonna pay you back, all right?
- That's horse shit!
And I'm going to take
it out your paychecks!
Hey, hey,
let's just talk about this!
Ain't going to talk your
way out of nothing!
I'm docking your paychecks
for a month, you understand me?
You lazy white trash!
Hey! I'm a quarter of Apache.
Three months!
Oh yeah? Goddammit!
Man, we can barely afford
to eat as it is, man!
Well, eat this, you egg sucking,
trailer park weasel,
ass-licking.
Let's take
a moment of refuge to...
The... the King?
Tell you what, folks,
if you like a burger,
and I know you do...
It's her daughter.
Get me down,
get me down right now!
The Mad Dogs have come out
swinging in the first,
and now lead 1-0.
Get me down now.
Okay, how do I look?
Uh, bad?
Blue, darling,
how you doing, baby girl?
- She's probably here for the car.
- Oh, yeah, definitely.
Here's the pitch...
Ain't no reason to panic,
I'm gonna get you your money.
Out of nowhere, what a shot!
Goddammit.
Sons of bitches!
- I got something.
- Good.
- All right, so we get a camera.
- Right.
And we, uh, wait for tourists
to come to town
and we take their photo in front
of like a tourist attraction.
- We sell it back to them for ten dollars.
- Come on, man.
Why the hell's a tourist
going to come here?
All right, man,
so we drum up tourism first.
You know, we do like a...
Aw, hell,
there's another bridge.
Holiday-themed movie theater, right?
During the winter we do
just Christmas movies.
We decorate it,
like, icicles in the lobby.
Yeah, yeah, we can even
sell peppermint popcorn.
Yeah, now you're getting it.
Maybe a chunky reindeer meat.
- What?
- Smoked Santa's sausage.
I hate Christmas movies.
That's... that's something
you should know about me, Jack.
Wait... what? Nah,
Christmas movies are great, man.
Full of hope,
good tidings and shit.
What you got?
Dear Jack,
if you're reading this,
I'm dead.
Kiss, kiss, Mama.
PS, left you something
under that pier.
What
did she leave you?
- Uh, maybe, uh...
- buried treasure?
What makes you think
she left you buried treasure?
Because I've been here.
San Clemente, California, man.
My mom, she took me when I was
a kid before she ran off.
She told me about how the ships
used to sail in and out of there
from all over the world
carrying, you know, treasures.
And that you might could still
find one of those treasures
to this day if you
know where to look.
Uh-huh?
Uh...
You think
your mom left us gold coins?
I'm just saying.
What have we got
to lose in finding out?
- All right, but just hear me out real quick.
- I'm listening.
'Cause I'm following you but,
I just got to say,
are you really
serious right now, man?
Or are you just
playing a "Jack" on me?
What you mean?
Of course I'm being serious!
What you talking about?
California?
Yeah, Scottie, I'm going.
You gonna come with me?
I mean...
shit, it's just
too far away, Jack.
Too far, you say?
All right,
all we got to do is hop on 59,
but then we cut down
to ten at Houston, right?
And go on these guys.
Those might be railroad tracks,
but we'll just see when we get
there. Then we get on the 45,
then we get
on the 35 to the 25...
We'll be on the beach in 27 hours, baby!
- That's good, Jack.
- Yeah, yeah.
You stick to my plan, Scottie.
You'll see, man.
This is gonna be our ticket out
of this shit hole, man.
No more washing
other people's dishes.
No more futile con jobs.
No more getting fleeced by
the King, that's for damn sure.
And when we get there, man.
Five star restaurants and shit,
real deal gourmet.
They got pasta with shrimp, man!
I love shrimps.
Granted...
could be nothing.
Plain old nasty pasta.
But if it is, man.
It's all I'm saying.
What if it is?
Oh, shit, we're late!
- Hey, Scottie, we're late, man.
- Ow.
- No, Jack.
- Late for work, man.
Jack, Jack, Jack.
Already called in for us.
Said we ain't coming in
on account of us
being millionaires and all.
Billionaires, maybe.
Oh,
Lord, here comes Jooly Booly Rogers,
that brutal force of nature.
Who'd you tell what now?
- Work, man.
- This is game four
against the Montgomery Mad Dogs.
And as you know, to stay alive,
these Outlaws got to pull
out a win here in game four.
Ah, I said, "Jack's Mama
left us some inheritance money,
so you can take them dishes
and shove them up your ass."
It's great, man, great.
You know who owns that diner
and the whole
goddamn town, huh, yeah?
The King, man!
Oh, shit.
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on!
All right, go ahead.
Good morning, Blue.
What's going on with you, girl?
The King want a word with you.
Yeah, definitely. Well,
you know, as matter of fact,
I was going to come see King
George first thing tomorrow.
Save you the trouble. Hey, you know
what, let me, uh, put on a shirt
and I'll be right with you.
Let me get my toothbrush!
Jack, where's my toothbrush?
Dammit!
Hey, hey, hey,
watch my car, man!
Where are
we going, fellas?
This is all a misunderstanding.
And where's your bags?
I was told
we were taking a trip.
- We love trips.
- No, we're...
- A trip? You heard what now?
- Who told you that?
Fire her up.
Shit.
So y'all don't
know nothing about no gold coin,
- wild goose chase?
- No, no.
- I don't know about that.
- Geese? No.
Turn right up there.
And y'all weren't
thinking about skipping out
on your obligations
to old King Georgie?
Come on, we been pay... ow!
You're just trying to fleece us like
you do the whole town. Damn, Blue!
Put your seatbelt on.
- She's right.
- Scottie and I, we got an opportunity.
- Turn left up there.
- Uh, yes, ma'am.
Hey now, look. We're not trying to skip
out on any sort of anything, all right?
It's just that we, we got an
opportunity to pay you back, you know?
And that's why we got to go
and get it, me and Scottie.
You know? So...
Use your goddamn turn signal!
Yes, ma'am!
Uh, but me and Scottie
both got to go, so...
Pull over here a second.
Let me out, come on.
- I see you!
- Get, lady!
- Why you running? Get over here!
- Please don't.
You see...
promises don't butter
any bread, fellas.
And what you want might not be
just yours for the taking.
Sometimes you need sacrifice,
hard work, discipline, goddammit!
He didn't have your
five dollars, Ma.
Let me see your teeth.
- All right.
- Look, fact of the matter is: we're gonna go,
we're gonna get that money,
we'll bring it back to you, all right?
Hey, what I owe you, huh?
- Double it. That's it.
- Double it.
That's a "Jack guarantee."
All right.
Pull in there.
Shit,
"Jack Guarantee."
That's good, huh?
I am gonna do you one better.
Save you the trouble.
Blue here.
Blue is gonna go get it for ya.
- I'll hang onto your car in the meantime.
- No, no...
And that's
a "King George Guarantee."
Meanwhile...
you can just cool your heels
with my friends here.
But wait.
Come on out, fellas.
What's that you been
saying about beaches, Jack?
Oh, you mean, uh, "75 degrees year
round, color TV in every room"?
I hear the waves already.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit indeed, Jack!
It's a civil matter, man!
It's not like she'll
call the cops on us.
Yeah, that ain't what
I'm worried about right now!
It's not even her car, okay?
For the record,
she, she's the crook!
- Yeah, crooked as a crocodile!
- Less teeth too.
Shit, woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
Hey, man, you and me, right?
- Yeah. Yeah!
- All the way?
Look, we drive
straight though, man,
we can hit the beach by Monday.
You know what that is, right?
- That's the day of Independence, baby.
- That's right!
We'll be watching the rockets
over California skies.
- So, they got like a white wine sauce on there.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- With butter or cream, or something.
- So, so, white wine and dairy?
- Yeah, yeah, that's how they do it.
- All right. I love good cream.
- Yeah, and lemon. They got lemon on there.
- Oh, lemons?
- Yeah.
- Damn.
It's very well balanced.
Oh, and that shrimp, man!
Big old juicy, butterfly...
Jack, I feel like I'm pushing
all the weight, man.
- Oh, put your back into it.
- My back's in it.
Come on, come on.
Hell!
- That could be good enough, huh?
- Yeah, it'll reach.
Whoo!
- Dine and dash?
- Don't know that we got much of a choice.
Yes, yes indeed.
It don't pump.
It ain't coming through.
- Oh, I got to do this now.
- Yeah, you just kind of...
And then, um, I heard
before you kind of have to
- put your weight on it.
- Oh, you're like squeezing it out, huh?
Yeah, kinda like that.
- Hey, guys!
- What?
- It's pre-pay!
- What's that now?
You pay first
and then you get the gas.
- Yeah, we already know that.
- Yeah, no,
- thanks for the tip, amigo.
- No problem!
We ain't stupid!
Shit!
- Real pickle.
- You know, I bet his car's full of gas.
Yeah, stupid pre-pay!
Who thought of that?
You know, it's 'cause there ain't
no trust in this world anymore.
Oh, that's good.
Yep, that's good.
When I'm good, I'm good, man.
I don't know what to tell you.
- What you got?
- Oh, right, here's the plan.
All right.
- When I give you the signal...
- Mm-hmm.
...you get the car running.
All right.
That was it?
Oh, all right.
Thanks for explaining it to me!
Morning, beautiful.
Uh, gimme some
unleaded, darling.
- How much do you want?
- Oh, just fill her up.
I love that jumper
you've got on.
What's that, Egyptian cotton?
Egypt?
- Well, you...
- Uh-oh,
someone's out
of mayonnaise packets.
I'm just joshing,
I'm fine, thanks.
Say, ma'am, now, I know this is a little
out of the ordinary but I wanted to...
That'll be $12.67.
Righty-oh, let's see here. I just
got to... You go on ahead of me, kimosabe.
No, take your time.
I'm in no hurry.
Okay, uh, what was that?
- 12.67.
- 67.
12.67.
Here we are in game five
and aw, jumping Jupiter, here
comes Rogers from the bullpen,
with the devil in his eyes.
It's not looking
good for our boys.
God, this is embarrassing.
I left my wallet in the car.
Would you believe that? So,
I'm going to go find my friend,
get my wallet, and then
return to... Oh, Scottie.
- Hey, Jack.
- It's my friend. Thank God you're...
- We got to go.
- Why, what's up?
I'm calling
the police.
Terribly sorry, ma'am,
we're going to need this one on credit.
- Thank you, have a nice day!
- Drop it.
Oh!
Don't shoot.
- Please, don't shoot!
- Don't shoot!
- Don't shoot!
- Hold still, sonny!
Hold still, I can get them!
Don't shoot, no!
No, don't shoot!
Hold still!
Don't shoot! No!
No, no, no, ow!
Rogers,
as cool as a be-bopping beatnik,
shaking off calls,
closing in for the kill.
And whoa, whoa, there's Chili
Bowl Davis creeping off third.
And here's the wind up
but wait a second,
Davis is going for it!
He's stealing home!
And Rogers rockets
the ball to home plate...
Holy Hades, they did it!
After a nasty crash...
Oh my god, oh my god, please!
What's going on?
Please call the cops,
call the cops. Lady!
It ain't easy.
Come here, you're okay.
- Hell, no.
- You got to grab it, you know?
You just got to get up in
there and grab it by the horns
and if you don't, it's going
to pass you by, I think.
Are you set?
Are we doing
the interview first?
- Interview first.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
Can you tells us your name,
and where you’re from?
Blue Eyes Montgomery,
I'm from Aberdeen.
Blue Eyes, what’s
your occupation?
Do you really want to know?
They ain't people,
they ain't real people.
Nobody's real people, really.
They're just running
around using each other.
And I'm there to clean them up,
that's what I'm there to do.
Ocean City may have
squeaked out a victory today but they...
I listen to it more now.
I like to...
I like to hear it so I can
see it in my mind more.
You know, more fun that way.
Make it any way you want.
This is unit 16.
Looks like the suspects
are headed west
across those railroad tracks.
That gon' be fun.
Come on, guys,
let me out of here!
- Jesus of Nazareth, Scottie!
- Well, what was I supposed to do?
- Not that, man!
- Hey, man, it worked, didn't it?
So, uh, uh, thank you, Scottie.
Oh, you're welcome, Jack!
He was pissing his pants,
man! That was great!
Yeah, it was great. All right.
- Yeah?
- Let's, let's just dump him out.
No, man, he'll rat us
straight to the cops!
- Okay, all right, man, it's fine.
- All right.
We'll drive to the middle of nowhere.
We'll dump him out there
and by the time he can be any trouble for
us, we'll be, you know, across state lines.
All right, man, but let's
not be too hasty, you know?
I mean, dude's probably
rolling in cash.
- Whoa, whoa!
- Hey, you started this train, Jack.
I'm just trying to keep it rolling for us.
I mean, look, it's either this,
or if you'd like, we could
rob some more gas stations.
- No, we're not robbing anything.
- Hey, shit, you're the boss, man.
- He has got a tie.
- It's a hell of a tie, Jack.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Uh, if we borrow the money
and then we pay him
back when we get there,
- it's not a big deal.
- Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
But look,
we got to play the part,
we got to act tough,
we can't Mickey Mouse this.
What you mean Mickey Mouse, son?
I got this, look!
Ah! Yeah, yeah, no,
maybe, like, just take
it down a little bit.
- I wanted to scare him.
- Yeah, yeah, but there's
a certain subtle civility to
what we're doing here, you know?
- All right, all right.
- Yeah, yeah, maybe split the difference.
- What you want me to do?
- Just like...
- Mmm.
- That's not what... Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What did
I tell you, huh?
- What did I tell you, huh?
- Do what we say!
- Come on, come on, let's see!
- Okay!
Collin Hornsby.
You know something, Collin?
The first
time I laid eyes on you,
the first time I saw you,
I said, there goes a cool guy.
A cool guy who ain't going
to do nothing stupid, remember?
- He said that to me, Collin.
- That's right, right, Collin?
You're a cool guy who ain't going
to do nothing stupid, right?
- Huh, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Say yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Wakeman, Arizona.
Now, what's in Wakeman, Collin?
I mean, what's in
Wakeman, Collin?
My fiancee, who'd be worried,
so you should let me go.
- Oh!
- What was that again?
- What did he just say to us?
- Again?
Go ahead,
say that again, Collin.
Back up.
- I said, you should let me go.
- Uh-uh. He said fiancee.
Collin,
you see, I'd hate to
have to show up
in Wakeman, Arizona,
- and make some trouble for your little fiancee.
- What, no, you...
- Don't talk right now.
- As we've established, Collin, you're a cool,
smart guy, and as such,
I'm sure you can appreciate
the opportunity viable of
a well-timed loan, yeah?
- Yeah. Wait what?
- Say yeah.
We want your money,
Collin, where's it at?
- He's broke!
- New plan!
Well, look, man,
we really appreciate your time!
I wish you the best
of luck, bon voyage!
Good riddance!
All right,
so what's the deal, Jackie?
I mean, the way I see it,
we just keep on robbing places.
- We're not thieves. He's kidding, inside joke.
- How you doing?
So, here's the plan.
I go in, I do my thing.
I make the pitch.
We're going to pay them back
when we find the treasure,
right? It's an IOU.
And, look, we're good people,
they'll help us out.
Of course,
from time to time, uh,
they may not
buy what we're selling
and it might be necessary to,
you know, play the part.
Play the part.
Give us the money!
Yeah!
Your idea is just my idea.
- No, no.
- Kind of.
I don't feel like you're listening, man.
You see, what I'm going to do
is I'm going to write down the,
you know, address of wherever we go.
- Uh-huh.
- Write down what we took
and let them know that I'm going
to be sending it back to them.
It's not stealing
if we pay them back
when we get where we're
going. That's just a...
- Sure.
- Forced loan, right?
It's kind of,
it was like my idea,
but then just, you know,
more lying and dishonesty.
That makes sense, yeah.
What if they're packing?
Yeah, about that...
Sure was easier
having Collin around.
That's something.
All right,
here we go. Okay.
- Oh, come on.
- Collin!
Buddy, hey!
- Buddy, it's us!
- We just want to hang out, man!
You're making it harder
for yourself, Collin.
Come on!
You can't run
from a car, Collin!
- I can try!
- Where you going?
Look, we've got a mutually
beneficial proposition for you!
You're making things more
difficult than they got to be, man!
- Stop it, no!
- Collin!
- Leave me alone!
- This doesn't have to be hard, Collin!
- No, leave me alone!
- You want a water?
I got a cup of water in the car.
Come on, man, Collin.
You look tired, man,
get in the car.
Not again!
All right, Collin.
Say, what line of
work you in, man?
No, no, no, we don't need
to be talking to him,
getting all buddy buddy, and
you're making friends with him?
Bosco and Bosco.
- Oh, okay!
- I work at a catalog.
I take the calls
and then manage the sales.
Catalog man,
that's, that's good business!
- Shut up, it's not good business!
- I'm just trying to grease
the wheels, all right? You catch
more flies with honey than vinegar.
- Oh, no, no.
- I'll tell him about the thing.
Yeah, come on, let's tell
him about the treasure.
- No.
- Yeah, look.
Collin, you ever been
to California, man?
- No.
- Well, you see, Collin,
they got this place way out
west called San Clemente.
Great beaches, beautiful
sand, crystalline waters.
They got something else
that makes it special, Collin.
- Do you know what that is?
- No.
Buried treasure,
hidden loot just for us, man.
- Golden coins, Collin!
- Hundreds of them, Collin.
- Probably thousands.
- Possible millions, Collin.
Possibly! That's why
I'm glad we're friends
'cause we want
to share it with you.
- Our best friend.
- Now, of course, getting there,
we're going to need
a little bit of help.
So, what
we're asking you, Collin,
is are you ready
to be part of the big time, huh?
Jack and Scottie
and their hostage gang.
- We'll work on the name.
- Little Buddy Gang.
Yeah, that's good.
Jesus, man, are you crying?
- No, you can't cry in here.
- No, Collin, man.
There's no need for
you to be crying.
No, we're not like...
we're just doing a thing, we're playing.
We're doing a thing right now.
We're just like you, man.
We're regular guys.
We're just like you.
I can't believe
this is happening!
All 'cause I had to pee
and so, I couldn't just stop.
I had to keep... All because
I went to the stupid Pump N Stump.
I had to pee!
You two stupid heads grab me
and you held a knife
to my fricking throat!
That's dangerous,
I eat through that throat!
All right, I'm not mean, I'm not a
criminal! I'm tired and I'm hungry!
Trash, you're just human trash, and you're not
letting me eat and you're not letting me leave!
I could've brought
the cheese poofs with us!
You guys are like,
"No, you don't get to eat!"
And now, I'm starving.
What do you think is going to happen?
I'm going to give you a million dollars?
I don't have a million dollars.
I belong at the Sizzler
having a baked potato and...
We all like baked potatoes, man.
We're the same.
My whole family fucking
loves baked potatoes.
I don't care about you and your family!
I just want two things!
To leave and to eat!
I'll do them in either order!
All right.
You done, man?
Yeah.
Welcome to Frostop.
Can I take your order?
All right, fellas. Let's do a...
I'm going to go with a chicken on a
stick, uh, fried pickles. Uh...
- Okay.
- ...two orders of fries, one with the cheese,
- one with the gravy.
- All right, all right.
Look, man, I asked for a
milkshake, he got fried pickles.
If he's getting fried pickles,
I want a milkshake and fried pickles!
Collin, I think we're
going to have to downsize
that order a bit so we
can make it to the next town.
- But I'm hungry.
- But you're not going to finish all that,
- so just pick one.
- All right, then, uh, double hamburger...
No, man. Just get a single
hamburger like the rest of us.
Fine, single hamburger
with cheese...
I'm not made of money,
Collin. I tell you what.
Uh, we're going to go
and do three of the, uh...
oh, look at that,
cheese sandwiches.
Everyone like cheese?
Three cheese sandwiches.
- Yum.
- And, uh...
- one cheese sandwich all day.
- One cheese sandwich!
Water. Uh, large water.
- Anything else?
- Yeah, call the cops!
- I'm a hostage...
- Nope, no, no.
That's got it!
All right, pull up.
Oh, like they'd do it.
- You look really cool.
- You think so?
Yeah, like...
no, really, really cool.
- You think it's going to scare them?
- Well, yeah.
- Whoever is in there?
- It's definitely distinctive.
- They'll remember you.
- Guys, we can't do this!
- Stealing is wrong.
- Yeah, yeah, wrong. That's cool, man.
Come on, Collin,
don't let your tribe down.
- It's not all about you.
- Look, Collin, it's very simple, man.
You just go in there
like regular.
You just
shop around, like regular,
and then we're going to come in
and do the hostage thing.
- Like regular, Collin.
- Yeah!
- No, guys, they'll kill me!
- Look, they might kill you,
but if you don't go in there,
I definitely will.
Oh, Collin, you know what?
I believe in you, and, uh, I
know you'll do the right thing.
Boop!
Or I'll kill you.
♪ That famous day in history
the men of the seventh Cavalry ♪
♪ Went riding on ♪
♪ And from the rear
a voice was heard ♪
♪ A brave young man
with a trembling word ♪
♪ Rang loud and clear ♪
♪ What am I doing here? ♪
♪ Please, Mr. Custer ♪
♪ I don't want to go ♪
♪ Hey, Mr. Custer ♪
♪ Please don't make me go ♪
♪ I had a dream last night ♪
♪ About the coming fight ♪
♪ Somebody yelled, attack ♪
♪ And there I stood with
an arrow in my back ♪
Um, listen, listen, ma'am.
There's... This is about
to be a robbery, okay?
What?
I said this is going to be a
robbery, so please listen to me.
- Oh, shit.
- You have to call the police.
Oh, shit. Just don't hurt me!
Don't hurt me, okay?
I'm not trying to hurt you!
I'm trying to help you!
Ready for my close-up,
Jackie boy.
White,
sandy beaches, baby.
Police, call them!
- You have the phone!
- Oh, well, okay.
- There's got to be a phone!
- I guess that's how
- we're doing it.
- Why aren't you paying attention to what
- I'm saying?
- Good afternoon, I have a proposal for you.
In good time, these investments
will be repaid with dividends.
And we will leave you and this innocent hostage alone.
- Hey!
- Holy shit.
- That went well, huh?
- Yeah.
Dude, experts, man,
that's what we are!
Damn!
Here we go.
All right, little buddy,
we'll be right back.
- What do you mean right back?
- Right back.
We're coming to
buy fireworks is what...
Yeah, two Roman
candles for my friend here,
- who forgot to pay.
- Buying things.
- Is that it? Okay.
- Okay, that's it.
what about 400 best fireworks, man?
All right,
is that everything?
Wait,
fireworks? That's...
You all are risking
my life to buy fireworks?
No, no, no, no, no,
we got to start spending
some of that money on
feeding me, all right?
And something good, all right?
No more cheese sandwiches.
Here's the list of restaurants that I'm
willing to eat at in descending order.
Number one, Sizzler.
Number two,
I don't know the name of it
but it was that place where we
got those really good burgers.
- Sorry, Jack.
- You're the one who's going to blow up your own car.
Oh, hell, looks like
they're headed right for us.
We going to have to bust
these poor boys.
Hot damn, you better bet
your sweet bippy, baby!
And you, you might want to
get your hair done, darling.
'Cause after I take these
two bozos down...
every paper
in the tri-county area
is going to be
knocking on that door.
Come in!
Three gas depots in two days.
Who says they'll strike again?
All right, this will
be just mighty fine.
They can make
my picture right here
in front of these plaques.
Ooh. I'll be on the cover
of "People" magazine.
I'm going
to meet President Carter,
go to dinner with
Farrah Fawcett.
It's all
happening too fast.
Wait, wait.
I could sing the national anthem
at Dallas Cowboys game.
♪ Oh say can you see ♪
♪ By the dawn's early... ♪
Hell, they are going
to make me mayor.
They're going to make me
mayor of Hero-town!
Sweet dreaming
little tater head.
By now, they're probably
desperate and miserable.
You weren't eating like
this before you came across us.
- No, you were not!
- Hey, I know I'm doubting.
No, you were not
eating like this.
I've a chicken on
a stick before.
- I mean...
- You've had a dashboard full of food before.
I'll admit I've never eaten
a car full of food but...
- There you go.
- That's what I'm trying to say!
I think America is
the land of freedom for anyone.
Getting out of small towns,
getting to the big city.
I'm a firm believer
in hard work.
If you work hard, you'll, you'll be
able to get everything that you want.
As long as you
pull up your bootstraps.
I guess I kind of
think that's bullshit.
Dreamers and schemers.
No, I'm a doer.
I'm a taker.
The American Dream
is our prerogative,
you know, to, to, to manifest our
destiny, you know? Uh, uh, uh.
Make it happen for yourself.
I had a dream a couple weeks ago
that I was, like, in a claw machine
and I was one of the bears
and, like, my father
was not grabbing me.
I don't know
what that meant but.
Don't be afraid to give up
and start a new dream.
I mean, there's
no shame in that.
♪ I once had a life ♪
♪ Or rather life had me ♪
♪ I was one among many ♪
♪ Or at least I seemed to be ♪
♪ Well, I read an old quotation
in a book just yesterday ♪
♪ Said, going to reap
just what you sow ♪
♪ The debts you
make you have to pay ♪
♪ Can you get to that ♪
♪ Can you get ♪
♪ I want to know ♪
♪ I want to know
if you can get to that ♪
♪ Can you get ♪
♪ I want to know
if you can get to that ♪
♪ I recollect
with a mixed emotions ♪
♪ All the good times
we used to have ♪
♪ But you were
making preparations ♪
♪ For the coming separation ♪
♪ And you blew
everything we had ♪
♪ When you base
your love on credit ♪
♪ And your loving days
are done ♪
♪ Checks you signed
with a love and kisses ♪
♪ Later come back signed
insufficient funds... ♪
Shouldn't we...
shouldn't you guys cool it?
- You're going to get caught.
- And how are they going to catch us?
- You going to snitch?
- I'm not a snitch.
You sound
like a snitch.
I'm not a snitch!
Yeah, gotcha.
Okay, yes, sir.
Another robbery
out past Piedmont.
Last seen heading west
on Old County Road.
Think it's them?
Who's on duty?
♪ Banner yet wave ♪
♪ Over the land of the free ♪
♪ And the home of ♪
♪ The brave ♪
Thank you. Thank you.
♪ Working
my fingers to the bone ♪
♪ Back on the old grindstone ♪
Woo!
♪ Going this long ♪
♪ Without a life ♪
♪ Tear a good man in half ♪
♪ But I got dreams ♪
♪ Breaking out of here ♪
♪ But it'll be a long time ♪
♪ Before I'm in the clear ♪
♪ I won't be at my next shift ♪
♪ Never going to see me again ♪
♪ I'll be on the train
with my friends ♪
♪ 'Cause I've got dreams ♪
♪ Driving round ♪
♪ Catching
my breath with my feet ♪
♪ On fresh ground ♪
Sorry about
your mom, man.
Oh, thanks, bud.
You think it's real?
The coins and the treasure
and stuff?
Well, I feel like you're
missing the point.
All right.
When I was a kid, I was
real afraid of the water
'cause all the creeks were ever
full of cottonmouths and shit.
- Snakes.
- Yeah.
So, this one time we went
on a real deal, you know,
picket fence type of family
vacation, beach trip.
- San Clemente!
- Yeah, that's right.
And, uh, you know,
we got out to the beach,
and it was beautiful
but I just... I wouldn't go in.
I was too scared.
So...
On the very last night,
she came and got me
out of bed, took me beyond
the boardwalk, under a pier.
And we're standing there,
we're looking at the water and, uh...
you know, sure enough,
there was a little,
a golden glint in
the water, in the surface.
Snake!
No,
a coin presumably, uh.
And so, I'm looking at it,
just wide-eyed.
And she's looking at me looking at it.
And so, my mama says to me,
"Well...
have you got the balls
or haven't you?"
Well... did you?
Did you have the balls?
I, uh, got in halfway
and froze up, nearly drowned.
- Got right in over my head.
- Yeah, he's kind of got a knack for that, Collin.
But, uh, you know,
she scooped me out, obviously.
Sounds like a great mom.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you know,
she left us the next summer,
so maybe jury is still
out on that one but, uh...
Woo!
Hi-yah!
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
- How?
- ♪ Round and round ♪
- Where?
- ♪ They go round and round ♪
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
♪ All day... ♪
Doris...
what kind of whiskey
did them boys steal
from that gas
station in Piedmont?
And
we're back into game six
of this World Classic.
Let's see,
I just had that.
Oh, it looks like
that Guitreau brand.
I'm out at
the campgrounds on 51.
Now, where is
the nearest liquor store?
At least you could
of put some pants on first.
Are you uncomfortable
with my masculine nudity?
It's just the nudity,
it's not...
Okay, allowances.
- Uh, allowances.
- Wait, I should go get the facepaint first
- before we do this.
- No, man, no.
Look, we're...
playing it straight, man.
We've got plenty. Here.
That's wasteful, man.
We can just keep the money.
What? That's the deal.
You get some and I get the rest.
Drinks, drinks, drinks, drinks.
This is my favorite!
- Yeah, why is that?
- 'Cause it's blue!
Get the red, and then I got the blue
and it's like.
- Oh, yeah, cool.
- Do you know why I get the blue ones, Jack?
- No, why's that?
- Blue-lina!
That's your girlfriend, huh?
No, well, her name's Bohlina
but I say Blue-lina
- 'cause it sounds like...
- Aw, it's cute, man.
No.
Psst!
Looks like
The Star Spangled Bandit.
- What?
- The Star Spangled Bandit.
There's a big
reward for him, man.
That's him.
Holy shit!
And then she's got these hips.
Like, two...
like, she's got two hips.
- Two sets of hips?
- Yeah, no.
Damn, you really
think that's him?
According to that article,
man, they say he's tall,
he's good looking, he's fast.
And you just, you just move in,
and then I go, muah, muah, muah.
- All right, okay, yeah, cool.
- As I, muah, muah, muah.
It's like muah, muah.
- That's really sweet, man.
- It's so sweet.
What about this one though?
Bet he's the worst
of the whole lot, huh?
El Pavo?
Nah, he's like a sidekick.
- Say what?
- A sidekick.
Everybody knows The Bandit
is calling the shots.
- You got something on your...
- No, stop messing with my hair!
- Come on. Just hold still.
- I'm going to be all nerdy!
El Pavo Bebe?
What's that mean, huh?
Why, why do they call him that?
Oh, that means a,
you know, a little turkey.
- Little turkey?
- Bird that can't fly, you know.
- Man!
- In some places pavo means, uh, peacock.
All right, all right, I heard.
He's the bird that can't fly!
'Cause they didn't see me,
'cause if they would've seen...
Oh, shit. Um...
- That's right.
- Take it easy.
All right, all right,
this is a holdup.
- Take it easy.
- Oh, Jesus, he's got a knife.
- Look at him.
- This is a holdup from the, uh,
not the Little Turkey,
that's definitely for sure.
- No, no, no, whoa!
- We're in the paper, man.
- Oh, congratulations!
- Yeah, well, no, no, not congrats!
- They mucked it all up!
- Well, any publicity is good publicity, Scottie.
No, no.
Hey, I'm the Indian Brave!
No, no, no, no, uh,
scratch that.
- I'm the... uh, the Aztec.
- Whatever you say, Pavo.
Not the Pavo! No! I'm, uh,
- the Apache Warrior!
- Oh, that's good, yeah!
Yeah,
I'm the Apache Warrior, man!
And you're scared of me!
And I'm going to take
anything I want, all right?
- Okay.
- I'm going to pay for this though.
- 79 cents.
- 79 cents, what a deal, you guys!
- Oh, my god.
- Big time, baby, big time!
You tell the papers
that you were scared!
You fear my war cry!
- Whoop whoop!
- Oh, boy.
- What? What was that?
- Try it again.
That was not my war cry!
It was a joke, and I was
messing with you 'cause I'm...
- Try again, try it again.
- Yeah, it's like, it's like...
Whoa!
I'll be up front,
don't worry, guys, I got this.
- Officer.
- We can explain everything.
I got them.
You all are stupid!
Don't it make a jackrabbit
spit in a bulldog's face.
What do we have here?
In the flesh.
The Star Spangled Bandit
and The Turkey whatever...
No, man. Apache Warrior.
If you can call me Apache...
Shut up!
You all
are pathetic.
You got see no evil,
speak no evil, and stupid.
I'm sorry that I had
to rain on your parade,
but it is over!
This is bullshit, you know! This guy
on the end, he didn't even do shit!
Yeah, I didn't do anything.
I'm innocent.
- Please let me go.
- It's true, sir.
- Tell it to the judge.
- Don't worry, man,
- I'm not going to let you take the fall for this.
- It's okay, Jack.
I coerced him in to all of that.
I'm sorry about everything.
- It's okay.
- No, it's not!
- No, it's not okay!
- No, no, Jack,
it was a good dream.
I'm sorry they caught us
but we're going to die
in prison together.
We're not
going to prison, Collin.
We're going
to die in prison.
We're definitely
going to prison.
Yeah, your dead mom
would be proud of you.
- I think so, too.
- Yeah, she's smiling from wherever she's buried.
Hey, I think we can get
out of these handcuffs.
- Mm-hmm.
- Use your feet.
- We are at 38 and Main.
- You all aren't magicians.
- No, you'll make things worse!
- Collin, use your feet.
Nope, I don't need no backup.
I don't
need no backup.
Owens,
could you repeat that?
No, I said I'll be back there in
about two shakes of a lamb's ta...
Two shakes
of a lambs tail.
Two shakes of a what?
I'll be back in two
shakes of a lamb's tail.
Owens?
You, you...
and you.
I ain't supposed to talk
to strangers,
so I reckon you can get.
Go!
Go on!
Owens, come in
four-two-seven, over.
And now, Jooly Booly Rogers,
the Mad Dogs' star pitcher,
finally gets his turn at
bat, and he smells blood.
His alligator eyes flashing
as he squares up to the mound.
The wind up,
here comes the pitch.
Into outer space, whoa!
Yes, friends, it is out of here!
Oh, geez.
As we wrap up the eighth, this could be the
end of the road for our hometown heroes.
I heard you like
fireworks, Jack.
Me too.
Back when
I was used to play ball,
they used to bust
so close over my head.
I could feel the heat.
That's all I wanted...
was for Ma to say good game.
That's what them
fireworks meant!
- Hello?
- I got them, Ma.
Put him on.
Jack?
Poor, stupid Jack.
You got a price on your head
higher than
a blue ribbon piggie,
and I'm going to be the one
that brings you in to slaughter.
If you'd like to make a
call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up,
and then dial your operator.
Hey, you!
Don't, don't do it!
Oh, no. No, no, no.
There you is little cricket.
All nice and sweet.
Why don't you
put that gun down...
before I rip your legs...
Scottie, you okay?
Got to get Jack out of here.
Jack, wake up! Wake up, Jack!
You got to wake up. You got
to wake up, Jack. You got to.
Don't die. Don't die,
you got to wake up.
And so, for one final game,
the Outlaws...
Where we going, fellas?
And where are your bags?
We love trips.
You and me, man.
San Clemente, San Clemente!
♪ There's plenty of gold
in world we're told ♪
♪ On the banks of San Clemente ♪
Well...
I don't, I don't really know
if it's for everybody.
You know, I don't know if
everybody can really go for it.
Sometimes you just can't.
Don't quit, don't get stuck.
No matter what anybody
tells you, keep trying.
Watch your back,
you know what I'm saying?
It's a crazy world out there.
Some girls just
ain't pretty enough.
It just ain't
in their heritage.
Gas shortages
are keeping folks off the roads.
The cost is too high.
No one wants
to leave their home.
America,
founded on Westward expansion
has gone and over
expanded itself.
Too little jelly
over too much toast.
And here's our weather report...
- Where are we, man?
- Outside Santa Fe.
- Did you kill her?
- She's still out there.
Got this though.
- Oh!
- That's a sweet piece of metal, Collin.
So,
we're friends, right?
- Collin!
- Uh, yeah, no, man, we're really...
- We're best friends, Collin.
- Yeah, all right, so I got to thinking last night,
I had some time to think.
And you know,
you guys have really put me
through hell this whole time.
I mean, all the hold ups,
the hostages, the knife.
I mean, I'm going to get fired
over this, that's for sure.
I shot that girl.
My shoes, my shoes are really
nasty now, you know?
And all the while, I have to
think, you know, what's happening?
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I making these choices
that lead to these situations?
Am I letting this happen? So, I think
it's time we do something different.
You going to kill us?
We're going to Wakeman, boys.
My man.
So, uh, Wakeman, huh?
That's interesting.
You never really told us what
happened with you and your old lady.
No, no, no, no, no,
I'm a private person
and we're keeping that private.
Case closed, no way.
All right.
And so she says,
to me, she says,
"I'm moving to Arizona.
I want you to move with me."
- Go with her!
- But I had a good job, you know?
- Oh!
- I mean, catalogs is good business.
You said it yourself!
Catalogs is good business!
You dumb son of a bitch!
Collin, she loves you, man.
Bang!
Is that it?
You think that's funny?
Bang, bang, bang!
Okay, all right!
Okay, okay, good joke.
Look at
the old Apache Warrior,
crying like a baby.
The Baby Pavo!
Dying ain't much
of a living, boy.
Round here,
due process is a bullet.
We deal in lead, friend.
Aw, hell.
They ID'd us.
- What?
- Yeah.
Uh, hostage identity
still unknown. You're good, man.
What did it say about me?
Uh, "Scottie Aldo, 20s,
indeterminate race,
uh, serial offender."
Come on, man. Me!
- Yeah.
- "Scottie Aldo."
I got my name
in the papers!
It's the big time, Jack.
That's all we need.
Go on, Collin, pick them up.
All right, but only
because I want to pick them up.
Hey, Jack,
check this out.
This one goes here
and the big bottle
goes on the big rock.
Don't shoot him in the...
Scottie, man.
I seen a bird!
He looked like he was coming at
you, so I was going to shoot him.
- Don't shoot me!
- All right, now bend over.
Hello?
Great thundering
Christ Almighty!
They was mean,
they shot me, they did.
Well, then next time,
you shoot them back.
You hear me?
Hello?
Ma, I can't sleep no more.
Oh, Blue.
You want a story?
Yeah.
Once, there was
a wise, wise king
who was having trouble
with some wicked peasants.
So she called on
her favorite knight
to hunt them dead.
Okay.
The end.
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
This going to be it.
♪ Like I'm almost ♪
♪ Gone ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like I'm almost gone ♪
♪ Long, long way from home ♪
♪ Long, long way from home ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like a motherless child ♪
Aw hell, why you
had to go get yourself killed?
Now I got to get
these boys killed.
Everybody is killing everybody.
Put out a bulletin
across state lines.
We need cop cars out,
we need road blocks,
we need a car at every
gas station this side of Mexico.
Sure thing.
All right,
all right, all right.
Let's see, let's see, let's see.
Uh, rack my brain,
rack my brain.
Come on,
buddy, you got this.
I spy something white.
All right, is it, uh,
light and fluffy?
- Yeah.
- Is it a cloud?
That was quick, Collin.
Well, you know,
you're not very good at this.
My turn.
I spy with my little eye
something,
that's trouble, police.
Whoa, stop the car!
Okay, we should
probably turn around.
Oh, no,
we should definitely.
All right,
I'm just going to back it up.
Technically no one
guessed police barricade,
so I still won that round.
All right,
so what, we wait it out
or just go back the way we came?
There's no going back, man.
She's coming for us,
we're trapped.
Let's go to Mexico.
- I know Collin's down.
- I don't like nachos,
You do like nachos.
I do not like nachos.
Why do you keep saying...
Guys, if we go into Mexico
as wanted men,
there's no coming back.
That's the point, Jack!
Why would we?
We could be infamous
banditos, man!
Butch and Sundance-style!
We'll go straight through.
What,
like a blaze of glory?
Slow and steady,
plain sight.
They've
seen our faces.
They know who we are.
Not Collin.
- Oh, guys, I don't, I don't know about that.
- No, I know.
And even if I knew about
that, I mean, they know the car!
I got a plan.
Oh, wait, Collin,
give me a cigarette real quick.
Oh, yeah,
I'll be right back.
He ain't coming back.
Okay, you can do this.
You got this. You're just going to drive
up to them and you're going to say,
"Hey, I'm Collin." And they'll be
like, "Oh, I'm a police officer."
And then they'll ask for your ID
and you'll give it to them.
Anything gets into trouble,
you can handle this, Collin.
Don't throw up. Whatever you do,
don't throw up on them.
- Give them hell, man.
- No! Don't give them hell, just be cool.
Just shut up!
- Howdy.
- Uh, howdy.
License.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I have that.
I, I have my... just got to...
It's in here.
Here you go.
- Pretty far from home.
- Oh, yeah, um.
Uh, got a lady in Wakeman.
Um, everything,
uh, everything all right?
Everything
all right for you?
Yeah, no, it's nice.
- A little hot.
- Say, Ed!
You got to pen?
- All right then, drive safe.
- You too.
Just gun it, man!
Just gun it!
We got a problem, wait a second!
- Shit, shit.
- Put your hands on the wheel!
- Okay.
- Put your hands on the wheel, right now!
Drop it! Drop it!
What are you doing? No!
What the hell? Goddammit, dude!
No, what is this?
This was not the plan!
- You said gun it, Jack!
- That's not what gun it means!
Sir, if I said you gun it,
you would think?
What would you think?
What would you think I meant?
- Pull out the gun, man!
- No, nobody thinks that!
- If I...
- Guns and keys, if you please!
- Guns and keys!
- Jack, it was a little misleading.
- It was not misleading!
- Everybody knows that gun it...
- It was very misleading!
- I'm a innocent hostage,
by the way, officer, and I put my
hands on the wheel like you said.
- Toss them, toss them!
- Okay, I'm going to toss them.
- All right.
- There you go.
Boys, you just been bamboozled
by the one and only,
Apache Warrior!
Whoa, why are you still doing that?
All right, Apache Warrior,
I'm giving you my gun.
- Come on, come on!
- Don't do it, Ed.
- Don't do it, Ed.
- I'm giving him my gun.
Ed, don't do it.
Dammit, Ed!
Glad you're laughing, man.
Glad you think that was funny.
- You all right?
- Hell, yeah, I'm all right, Jack!
- Woo!
- You all right, man?
I'm good.
Oh, shit, oh, shit!
Look, it went in one end
and out the other.
In one end and out the other!
We can fix it, Jack!
We just plug up the hole,
that's it!
What? We got to
get him to a hospital.
If we go to a hospital right
now, they're going to find us!
Guys, guys, I'm fine.
I "deal in lead," remember?
Watch, I can...
Nope, nope, nope.
Look at this guy,
he's like a fountain!
I'm just going to, I'm just
going to take a little nap.
No, stay awake, man!
- Hey, hey, Collin.
- Wakeman?
Hey, there's my guy!
Hey, buddy,
we're going to get
you to the next town.
Hey...
Jack.
Hey.
We're going to get
you to a hospital.
They're going to get you
patched up, all right?
You're going to be spic'n'span
for your big day with Bohlina.
- Jack.
- What?
I'm glad I had to pee
at the Pump N Stump.
Hey, hey!
Help us!
Can somebody help us?
Think he's going
to be all right?
I don't know.
Damn.
I'm going to miss that guy.
He got blood
all over his tie.
- Hell of a tie too.
- Hell of a tie.
What the hell was that, man?
I was just cleaning up your mess, Jack.
I didn't hurt anyone.
Yeah, man, people got hurt.
It wasn't my plan.
Never is.
Wasn't Collin's plan either.
Hey, you know,
if you don't like the plan,
you don't have to come
along for the plan, man!
You can get out anytime, man!
Yeah, you know what, just g...
Yeah, you know what, screw you, man.
You don't get no gold, or shrimp or...
or nothing.
There's
nothing there, man.
Shrimp pasta sounds
nasty anyway.
Hey!
Hey!
Fuck!
Maybe next year?
There's always next year?
Well, fuck you.
Good things just don't happen.
I don't know who told you that.
Your dreams ain't never
going to come true.
No, 200 years from now, nobody
is going to know who you were.
And someday,
you're going to wake up...
and you're going to realize
that you are a fuck up.
I don't know, it's like...
it's like, you roll the dice...
you pay the price.
Nothing comes free.
Nothing comes free
in this world.
Oh, daggum!
Looks like it's over
before it started. What a shame.
What?
You win.
I want to end this.
Well, Jack!
I am in the presence
of real celebrity!
You know
what a goddamn honor it is
to be talking to you, Jack?
Look, you can have whatever
you want, all right?
You want, you want money,
I got money for you.
You want my car?
You can have my car.
I want you, Jack.
On a platter.
Well, uh,
pardon me for saying so
but that's no way
to make a deal.
No.
Oh, you stupid,
dumb, son of a bitch.
You don't know, do you?
We got your friend.
He was trying
to knock over a bank.
Luckily,
little Blue answered the call
before the coppers could.
So, this is what
we're going to do.
You are going to drive
and meet Blue
one mile into the desert
off of Exit 70.
You get Scottie.
I get you.
And Blue... gets the gold.
One hour, Jack.
Drive safe.
Grab your grills
and granny too, folks!
It's clear skies for America's birthday
here in sunny Southern California.
The firework show starts up behind
Veterans Memorial Airfield at sundown.
In national news,
after a bungled bank job,
authorities say they're closing
in on the notorious crime duo
known as the Star Spangled
Bandit and the Apache Warrior.
The fate of their
hostage remains unknown.
Well, folks, that's all
from Breezy Bob McKee.
Uh, all right, uh, Jack Buckner.
I was born in Buckatunna but I
live in Aberdeen now, Mississippi.
Number one thing is to know
what you're doing, man.
If you don't have a plan,
you got nothing, uh.
Number two thing is to stick with it.
Number three is to find the folks
who are going to help
you along the way.
When I was a little kid,
I just figured I had to be a mechanic
like my pop, you know? Because I
didn't think I had any other shot.
But the fact
of the matter is this,
a man can do whatever
he pleases to do.
Think anyone can
achieve the dream?
No, it's easy, man.
You just got to have the balls.
Why'd you
come back, Jack?
Bank robbery, huh?
Did you clean up?
- While they were closed.
- Oh, shit.
That's actually
a pretty good idea.
How'd you do?
I couldn't get in.
Oh, closed.
Shot out every one of them
windows though.
Looks like
it's time, boys.
All right, Blue,
all right.
Square deal.
You get me, Scottie goes free.
No, Jack.
I'm going to shoot you, I is.
And it's going to be fun too.
Always wanted to be
a pitcher, I did.
Ain't it funny how
I became a catcher instead?
Strike one, you stole
my Ma's money and skipped town.
Strike three, Jack.
You talk too much.
I said there were a lot of
them damn windows, Blue!
Woo,
that was smooth, man!
She's out of there!
Who's the umpire now, Blue?
That was it?
Come on, boys!
Go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Get it!
Go!
Woo!
And check
out Jooly Booly on the mound,
he is spitting mad!
Here's the pitch and oof!
Whizzes right by Pops McGee.
A little too close for comfort.
Oh, that's strike one.
And the pitch, low and outside.
He got him, strike two.
It's all been fun
and games until now.
Rogers winding up, here he goes.
Rockets the ball over the plate.
A swing and a miss, two outs.
We're going to die!
I know!
But maybe if we
don't want to, I had a thought!
- Okay!
- Like a plan, Jack.
If we want to do things
my way for once.
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
- And when I count to four...
- Four? Why not three?
- It's my plan Jack, I like four!
- All right, fine,
just hurry, Scottie.
Go, go, go, go!
Ocean
City still down by two.
Two outs,
and all eyes are on Davis.
This could be
the impossible Cinderella story.
Do it.
A mad dash for home!
Chili Bowl Davis
rounding second.
- The ball is scooped!
- One!
Davis is going to go for it!
He's nuts, he's rounding third
now but here comes the ball!
Whoo, come on, boys!
Two!
On a collision
course with the catcher!
Three!
Four.
Did they get him?
Did the catcher hang onto it?
He is...
...out, out.
Aw, Jesus, and the outlaws lose.
Come on out, fellas!
And Rogers
is getting a hero's ovation.
Living legend, living legend.
Christ, it's hot today.
It's a lot of heat.
Well.
Here they come.
Go get us one of them good spots at the
beach, Jack. I'm gonna go lose them.
No, no, man, I'll lose them.
You go, all right?
I'll fight you for it.
Loser takes the fall.
Come on.
Apache Warrior
squares up with him.
One, one, two!
That was a hard hit.
Here he comes again!
He's a maniac! He's crazy!
Good hit, good hit!
One, one, two!
Oh, wait, he's shook.
Lightning Jack sees his opening!
Apache Warrior isn't ready.
The hit, here it comes!
And the hit!
You got me.
I guess I got to go
take the fall now.
I'm going to go get
my face in them papers.
It's going to look good too.
And you,
you go get your shrimp pasta!
Pull over, stop the vehicle.
Woohoo!
♪ Nothing is the same now
nothing ♪
♪ No one is so safe now no one ♪
♪ There's so much I don't know
so much ♪
♪ Nothing is the same now... ♪
Scottie!
Mr. Scottie, Mr. Scottie!
Scottie!
Mr. Scottie, Mr. Scottie!
You're the talk of the town!
You know what?
Bad dogs never get
put down easy.
We apprehended
the Apache Warrior,
but the Star Spangled Bandit,
well, we found pieces
of his body exploded
all over the middle
of the desert.
You get what you put in.
Damn shame.
Sometimes, what you
wanted wasn't the best thing
or even the right thing.
You just got to go for it.
Hope that somehow, in the end,
it all works out.
I don't think just anybody
can achieve their dream,
you know?
I think... it takes
a little something,
it takes a little heart.
Um, I mean,
everybody's got heart,
but... I guess
not everybody uses it.
Some people be thinking
with their heads too much.
♪ Nothing is the same now
nothing ♪
♪ Nothing ♪
Here's my advice to you, is,
don't just sit there, all right?
All right.
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like I'm almost gone ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like I'm almost gone ♪
♪ Long, long way from home ♪
♪ Long, long way from home ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ I feel ♪
♪ Like a motherless child ♪