Easter Sunday (2022) - full transcript

Set around a family gathering to celebrate Easter Sunday, the comedy is based on Jo Koy's life experiences and stand-up comedy.

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
(grand orchestral fanfare
playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Thanks so much for
coming out tonight, everybody.

And now,
for the final act of the night,

we leave the best for last,

Mr. Let's Get
This Party Started,

Joe Valencia!

(crowd cheering)

♪ I see we back
in the same place ♪

♪ I see we doing
the same things... ♪



(horn honks)

Filipino moms predetermine what
their kids are supposed to be

-when they grow up.
-(laughter)

And you know
I'm not making this shit up.

My mom cried when I told her
I wanted to be a comedian.

(Filipino accent):
"Comedian? Why, Joseph?

(laughter)

"Your aunties are nurses.

"Your uncles are nurses.

"Do you see any clowns
in this family?

"Huh? No.

(speaks Filipino) You're going
to give me heart attack."

(normal voice):
That's my time.

My name's Joe Valencia.
Thank you.



-Good night.
-(crowd cheering)

♪ Know you had to show me
to the light ♪

♪ I'm just happy
that we made it ♪

♪ You got me feeling right... ♪

JUNIOR:
Dad, we shouldn't be stopping.

We really just need to be quick.

-Um, I...
-WOMAN: Hey, Joe, what's up?

-Hey, how's it going?
-You called ahead, right?

What was it?
Ultimate burrito with...?

Oh, uh, no onions,
extra jalapeños, please.

No onions? Who you kissing?

-It'll just be a minute.
-Okay.

-(Junior sighs)
-What?

I really can't be
late today, okay?

The school's threatening me
with academic probation.

Wait, is that
what this meeting is about

-this afternoon?
-(sighs)

Why's this the first
I'm hearing this?

I mean, it's not.

I told you last week,
but you were too busy

not listening, as per usual.

Oh, okay.
Well, look, I'm all ears now.

Tell me why you're-you're
screwing up in school again.

Yeah, Dad, no, this is serious.
Please, okay?

I just-- I would
really like to have you there

to help smooth things over,
okay?

You're really good at that.

People who don't know you think
you're charming or whatever.

(scoffs)

I just-- I can't be on academic
probation because that means

I can't do any electives
next semester,

and you know that's the
only thing I like about school.

Okay, don't worry. I got you.

I'll be there.

-I promise. Don't worry.
-Thanks.

That'll be 17.95.

-For a burrito?
-Yep.

Do you guys stuff it with gold?

It is the ultimate burrito.

Wow.

My breakfast every day
before school was

something cold and gray inside
an empty Cool Whip container.

-My mom called it "oatmeal."
-(chuckles)

But I don't think so.
It wasn't oatmeal.

(Joe sighs)

(shoes squeaking)

After you, bunny.

MAN:
Joe Valencia?

Yeah?

(both screaming, laughing)

Vincent? Oh, man.

Vincent and I used to be
background dancers...

BOTH:
For Jodeci!

Oh, seriously?

Bro, how's
the acting thing going?

You still working for Bud Zero?

-No, but they're still running
my commercials. -Ah.

JOE: And I'm still doing
my stand-up, you know?

-Mm -But I'm this close
to landing a sitcom, man.

Last callback's today
at 2:00 p.m.

Dad, the school meeting's
at 3:00.

I know. I told you I'd be there.

Have I ever missed anything?

Yeah, like,
literally everything else.

Look, buddy, you know,
if I land this show,

I'm gonna be around so much
you're gonna get sick of me.

-All right?
-All right.

-JOE: Yo, Vince.
-VINCENT: What's up?

-What's a bunny's
favorite dance move? -(laughs)

BOTH:
Hip-hop.

Five, six, seven, eight!

-Running man. Running man.
-♪ I wanna know ♪

-Airplane, airplane.
-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪

-One-and-two-and-three-- Ah!
-♪ Hands up high. ♪

JOE:
What are you talking about?

Of course I like kale.

Who doesn't like kale?

Of course I like kale.

What are you talking about?

What are you
talking about?

What are you talking about?
Of course I like kale. I mean--

Who wrote this?

Hi.

Do you know
when they're gonna see me?

I had a two o'clock.

They're running behind.

Ah, man.

What are you talking about?
Of course I like kale.

I love kale.

-Who doesn't love kale?
-(phone vibrates)

(chuckles) Okay, fine.

I hate kale.

And-and I think
we should break up.

Life is too short.

(phone vibrates)

To eat kale.

(chuckles):
And cut.

-Uh, can we do that again?
-(phone vibrates)

I'm sorry.
My phone kept going off.

-That was funny, Joe.
-Thank you.

Yeah.

(laughs):
Joe, that was great.

Thank you.

Dude, you're killing it.

So let's do it again, but
this time, have fun with it.

Okay, great. You want me
to, like, improvise?

Yeah, yeah, sorta.
I mean, I think, uh--

They're wondering if maybe
you could try it with an accent.

Oh, 'cause Jack
is from Colorado,

so maybe, like,
a Denver accent? Like--

(Southern accent): "Li-Life is
too short to-to eat kale."

-(laughing)
-(normal voice): I-I don't know.

-Is that Denvery?
I don't even know. -Yeah.

That's good, but maybe keep
that one in your back pocket.

Hey, do you do
any other accents?

-I mean, like...?
-I don't know.

Um-- Oh.

-You're half Filipino, right?
-Mm-hmm.

Can you do
a half Filipino accent?

-That's-that's what this is.
-Really?

That's 50%?

Sounds 30 to me.
Can you bump it up to 50?

-Then we're golden.
-(fingers snap)

-What?
-Action!

(softly):
What?

(tires squealing)

(line rings)

JOE (over phone):
Hello?

Are you kidding me?
Where are you?

JOE:
I'm five minutes away, 20 tops.

-Joe...
-I had a network test.

What do you want from me?

-I want...
-(line beeping)

Catherine, that's my agent Nick.

-I got to go.
-(sighs) Of course.

NICK:
How'd it go, buddy?

JOE: Good, but kind of weird.
They wanted me to do an accent.

-What kind of accent?
-Filipino.

(Filipino accent):
"Do-do you like kale?

Who doesn't like kale?
Everybody loves kale."

-(laughs) That's hilarious.
-(normal voice): Is it?

I don't know. I'll call
over there and find out.

Nick, I didn't do the accent.
It made no sense, man.

That's kind of like you doing
an Indian accent at your job.

Hey, I'd do it
if it closed the deal.

(Indian accent): "You tell
George Clooney it's 20 million

or he can kiss my brown ass."
(chuckles)

(normal voice): Joe, you do
the accent in your stand-up act.

What's the difference?

In my act, I'm doing my mom.
That's the difference.

This show just wants
a funny-sounding Filipino.

Nick, I really need
this job, man.

I got tuition to pay.

Can you salvage it?

Yeah, buddy,
I'll call over there, but, uh,

I'm going up Laurel Canyon.
The reception is terrible.

You're going in and out,
so I might lose you.

-(line beeping)
-Nick?

-(nearby horn honking)
-Shit.

(phone ringing)

(sighs) Hi, Mom.

Joseph, what time
will you be here on Sunday?

I don't know, Mom.
I'm really busy.

-I just tested for this pilot.
-You're going to be a pilot?

No, I-I-- A-A network pilot.

For, like, a TV show.

Ah, you're playing a pilot
on the TV show.

No, a lawyer.

You could have been
a lawyer, Joseph,

if you only applied yourself.

Mom, I got to go.
I'll-I'll call you later.

Are you coming this Sunday
for Easter?

We're all expecting you, Joseph.

♪ ♪

-You missed it, Joe.
-I'm sorry.

Well, I don't know
why I'm surprised.

This is, this is
just what you do.

How's he doing?

He has a C-minus in math.

What?
How is that even possible?!

They charge us $35,000 a year.

For $35,000 a year, they should
at least teach him math.

Can you please not start?

I'm just saying,
he could've got a C-minus

in public school for free.

I can't believe
you missed it, Dad.

-You promised you'd be here.
-(sighs) I'm sorry, son, but...

D-Don't worry. I'm used to it.

-(phone ringing)
-Just quit it.

Oh, hold on. I got to take this.

It's, uh, your grandma.

Hey, Mom. What's up?

Joseph, you said
you'd call me later.

Mom, we just spoke.
Oh, Mom, look at this.

-Grandma, it's your
favorite grandson. -Uh...

-Hi, Lola. -You're coming to
Daly City for Easter, right?

Um, I don't know. I, uh...

-Well, we're-we're gonna
talk about it. -(line beeping)

Oh, hold on. I got to take this.

It's my agent.
Hey, Nick, what's the word?

They love you, but
they want to hear the accent.

SUSAN:
What accent, Joseph?

-Yeah, that's the one.
-Huh?

-What is happening, Joseph?
-NICK: I love it!

That's not me, Nick.
That's my mom.

Dude, this can work.
Just play ball.

Let's get you a TV show.

Nick, I'm not gonna do
the accent on the show.

-It's not happening.
-Great, great, great, great.

So you'll think about it?
I-I'm sorry.

I'm driving over Mulholland,
so I can barely hear you.

If I lose you,
I'll call you right back.

-(line beeps)
-What?

Joseph!

Mom, I got to go. Okay, bye.

I don't want to go to Daly City.

I have plans this weekend.

I didn't want you
to get a C-minus in math.

-I... -Okay. This is--
This has been great.

-I'm just gonna take
Junior home. -(sighs)

-Okay, cool.
-All right?

I'll see you Sunday. Road trip.

So this is, like,
actually happening?

Like, shouldn't we
discuss this beforehand?

No. It's gonna be fun, man.

So you're coming by the house?

Of course.
How am I gonna get my son?

All right. Just don't
make it weird with Kyle.

-I never do.
-Oh, you do.

Kyle makes it weird.

-CATHERINE: Okay.
-Yeah.

-See you on Sunday, son!
-(mariachi music playing)

ANNOUNCER (over TV):
Bud Zero. Zero percent alcohol.

Let's get
the party started, baby!

-Let's not.
-(TV clicks off)

(phone ringing)

Hey, Mom.

SUSAN: Joseph,
I know you're a lawyer now

on the TV, so maybe
you're too busy to come.

Mom, I'm gonna be there.
Don't worry.

Hey, congrats, Kuya.
You're big-time now, huh?

What's up, Eugene?

What are you doing
over there, cuz?

You know, just grabbing
some din-din. What else?

Oh, Tita, can I have
some more of the kaldereta?

-It's so yummy.
-Okay. Okay.

Yeah. (chuckles)

Hey, how's our taco truck
that I'm financing?

So good.

I can't wait for you to see it.
You're gonna love it.

Oh, I'm gonna need a little bit
more money, though,

-just to really make it sing.
-Bro, more?

Yeah, we'll talk about it
when you get here.

And FYI,

things are bad between
our moms, like, really bad.

Is this a new fight, or is it
the same one from Christmas?

Who knows?
They're both so stubborn.

Just get up here.

You're the only one
they listen to.

We need some of that Joe magic.

-(line beeping) -Oh, man.
Hold on. I got another call.

I heard that. I'm not stubborn.

What time are you leaving L.A.?

Don't be late.
We have to get to church.

Don't forget to bring a suit.

It's going to be
such a fun time.

♪ ♪

(intercom beeps)

KYLE (over intercom):
Yeah?

It's Joe.

(intercom beeps)

Hello?

KYLE:
Who is this?

It's-it's Joe.

Can you talk louder?
You got to speak up.

JOE:
Oh, my God, bro.

Kyle, it's Joe!

-Open the gate!
-Who is this?

-Are you kidding me? Jesus.
-(gate whirring)

(tires screech)

Sorry.

I never recognize your voice.

Oh.

(chuckles)

Good morning, Joe.

Hey. Is Junior up?

I brought
his favorite breakfast burrito

with extra jalapeños.

Oh. That shit'll kill you.

I'll make him a smoothie.

No, don't make him a smoothie.

Yeah, I make 'em real smooth.

What?

Can you not
make it weird, please?

He makes it weird.

(sighs)

So, Cat says you're up for
some kind of network show.

Congrats. Great Scott.

It's a good title.
You play Scott?

No, I play Jack,
the crazy, wacky...

(blender whirring loudly)

(faintly):
I can't wait to, uh, start.

A lot of funny lines...

-Could be a lot of exposure,
man. -(whirring stops)

-Hey, Dad.
-Hey.

I got your favorite breakfast
burrito, extra jalapeños.

Oh.

-I'll just have a smoothie.
-Yeah, you will.

It's a scientific formula
from the L.A. Kings trainer.

Oh, you play for the L.A. Kings?

I had no idea.

Is that supposed to be
sarcastic?

You know I'm on the team.

Well, since you don't really
ever actually play,

it's kind of like me saying
I play for the Dodgers.

Hey. I'm the backup goalie.

No, you're the backup,
backup goalie.

(chuckles):
All right?

So back up, man.

We got to get out of here.

-All right?
-JUNIOR: Bye, guys.

JOE:
Thanks for the smoothie.

Hey.

(laughing)

Go Kings!

CATHERINE:
See you later.

-Drive safe.
-Uh, thank you.

KYLE:
You bet. Anytime.

-How long is the drive?
-Oh, it's about

five hours and ten minutes,

but I bet you I can get us
there in four and a half.

Want to put some money on it?
20 bucks?

(seat whirring)

I'll see you in the Bay.

(engine starts)

("Every City Has a Rhythm"
by Lucas/Heaven playing)

♪ Can you catch the rhythm ♪

♪ Of a place so complicated... ♪

JOE: You know, this'll be
a good time for us to catch up,

a little
father and son road trip.

(sighs heavily)

(sighs) Look, you're the one
always complaining about

me leaving town
to do my stand-up

and how I missed your track
meet... photography thing.

-Dad, it's not my fault
you're never around. -(sighs)

Hey, look, my dad never took me
on any road trips, okay?

Once he left, that was it.

No phone calls,
no birthdays, no nothing.

And don't get me started
with my mom.

Look-look at my wrist.
Look at that.

Can't even bend it right.
You know how that happened?

Yeah, you were learning
how to ride a bike.

I've heard this story
a million times.

Yeah, I had bad balance,
but yet she's still in my ear.

"Get back on the bike, Joseph.
Get back on your bike."

(scoffs) Two broken wrists,
two casts later,

but yet still in my ear.

"Get back on the bike, Joseph."

(scoffs) Man, you got it good.

♪ Ant be -Z, what's up, man? ♪

♪ Rise and shine,
make you want to say ♪

♪ Dear God, let me thank you
for another day ♪

♪ For living life on the edge
and I'm trying to break it ♪

♪ Tired of ducking the Feds ♪

♪ But it's a struggle
to make it ♪

♪ So this is your day,
homey... ♪

JOE:
Four hours and 25 minutes.

Boom! Take a picture.

That's definitely
a land speed record.

I have a photography assignment
due on Tuesday.

-Yeah? What's it on?
-(camera clicks)

Dads that do dope shit?

Um, perspective.

Like spatial relationships
and depth and all that stuff.

Nerd. (chuckles)

(laughs)

-Hmm.
-(camera clicks)

(chuckles): Dad, stop.
You're ruining my shot.

♪ Beautiful Black women,
give 'em much respect ♪

♪ And ain't no funk tween
the East and the West... ♪

JOE:
See all that fog?

Yeah.

That's from all the Filipinos
in Daly City

using their rice cookers
at the same time.

♪ So you better be on your way ♪

♪ On your way, your way ♪

-♪ Now it's time to celebrate ♪
-(camera clicking)

♪ Hurry up and don't be late ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
it's gonna be a lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day... ♪

(song fades)

Hey, hey.

Can you, can you do me a favor?

Like, I know we're going
through a thing right now,

but can you try and have
a good time?

Like, everyone's
really excited to see you.

Wh-What makes you think I won't?

Well, you weren't really
a barrel of laughs

on the way up here.

Yeah, I mean,
I didn't want to talk to you,

but I'm excited to see them.

Okay. Nice.

ALFONSO:
Hey, you don't recycle a...

SUSAN: You're OCD!
You should see a doctor!

-ALFONSO: Okay, but it's...
-SUSAN: You have garbage,

I have garbage, but they all go
inside-inside the garbage cans.

Here we go.

Every day, you bother me--
yak, yak, yak.

-Okay, this is your garbage.
-No.

These are my garbage cans. This?

This? This is your newspaper,
The Daly City Balita.

It's in Filipino. Come on.

Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, that's assault!

JOE: Okay, okay.
It looks like someone got

their holy start
to Easter Sunday, Mom.

Oh. Diyos mio, Joseph.

This man is so...

(speaks Filipino)

Okay, you know I'm Mexican
and understand

like 40% of
what you're saying, right?

And I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.

He acts like I went into his
house and used his bathroom.

She's done that!
You've done that!

Junior, come inside.

You can have some breakfast
before church.

Hey, Susan!

(speaks Filipino)

-What?
-Means "I love you."

No, it doesn't.

All right, whatever, man.
(chuckles)

So, what's good, Hollywood?!

Chilling, bro. How you doing?

Doing good, man.

Hey, give me the famous line
from the commercial.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Dude, are you serious, man?

You just had to ruin it.

Ah, come on. Just once.
You can't...

-Sorry, Alfonso.
-That's not it.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

Oh, God.

Let's get this party
started, baby!

-Regina!
-(laughing)

-Oh.
-Oh, welcome home, bro.

Mmm. Thank you.

-(sighs) See you tonight, okay?
-What?

-I just got here.
-Well, you got to

follow your dream
and become a beer spokesman.

-Wasn't my dream.
-And I got to follow

Mom's dream and become a nurse.

-So you owe me big-time.
-(sighs)

(gasps) Are you kidding me?

I know.

Look at this big guy.

-Hi, Tita Reg.
-You look just like your dad,

-except you're good-looking.
-What?

And you have your mother's eyes,

though they're not
as judgmental.

Oh, welcome home.

Ah. You killing it in school?

(chuckles):
Uh, no.

-Crushing it with the girls?
-Not really.

Damn. L.A. sounds lame.

You should move up here
and hang out with your tita.

You know, back before
my dreams withered away

like a dried-up, dead piece
of fruit, I used to be fun.

-Right, Joe?
-Yeah.

I used to get
this party started, baby!

JOE:
Okay, Regina.

Like, how long
are you gonna do this, huh?

-Until the day I die.
-Can that happen today?

BOTH:
Jokes na lang.

-(laughing)
-Come here.

-Hey!
-Oh, my God.

(chuckles)

(hushed):
Oh. Have you talked to Mom?

-About?
-The shit's about to fly.

Okay, Mom is doing dinner,
Tita Teresa's doing lunch,

but Mom refuses to go
to Tita Teresa's lunch.

-(groans)
-If that happens,

someone's gonna end up
in the E.R. with me.

Oh, my God.
What's this fight about?

I don't know, but
we're counting on you to fix it.

Bye!

Um...

-what is that thing?
-(door opens, closes)

It's terrifying.

Uh, "that thing"?

Oh, "that thing"
used to be my job.

Not that thing. That thing.

Oh, yeah.
That-that-that's creepy.

Yeah, that used to scare

the hell out of me
when I was a kid.

It just stares at you.

♪ ♪

SUSAN:
Make fun all you want,

but someday,
baby Jesus will save you.

(quietly): That baby Jesus is
gonna murder me in my sleep.

I know.

-(food sizzling)
-JOE: Wow.

This is quite the spread, Mom.

That's for dinner.

We have
so many blessings, Joseph.

What better way to share them
than with my cooking?

Good.

So we're gonna have peace today
with you and your sister?

-Yes, of course.
-Perfect.

But I'm not going to her lunch.

-(sighs) Why not?
-Because we are not talking

and most likely
never talking again.

And she doesn't know
how to season her food properly.

Come on, Mom.
I'm only here for one day.

One day. I want
the whole family together.

You'll see them
when they come to my dinner.

I have to go get changed
for church.

I've got a beautiful new dress
just for the occasion.

Wow.

God's gonna be so happy.

He won't care,
but my sister will.

(sighs)

♪ ♪

(camera clicking)

-MANNY: There he is!
-YVONNE: Oh!

-Looking like a Hollywood star.
-(laughs)

YVONNE:
That's right.

-And happy Easter, huh?
-Oh, good to see you.

-Oh, Happy Easter.
-Oh, hey. How are you?

-Man.
-Happy Easter.

Hay, my God. My goodness.

-Who is this? Huh? Huh? Hmm?
-JOE: Oh. (chuckles)

Hay, wow, wow, wow, wow, huh?
(sniffing)

-(chuckles)
-(Yvonne cooing)

You were this tall.
Now you're this tall.

Hey, Junior, you know, I taught
your dad everything he knows.

-I'm the original party guy.
-Ah.

♪ Let's get the party
started, baby ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh! ♪

Junior, you're so handsome.

Oh, thank you, Tita Yvonne.

Gets it from his tito.

You see the resemblance?

-Mm-mm.
-No. -No, no.

God does.

Hay, Tita Susan,
you look so beautiful.

I love that dress.

Oh, thank you. I just got it.

Mm, magenta is your color.

-Jewel tones.
-(rap music playing)

♪ You really wanna bet it?
You ain't talking 'bout ♪

♪ Making moves,
yo, forget it, come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

-♪ Come on, come on... ♪
-(music stops)

-There he is!
-JOE: Yo. (chuckles)

There's my kuya.

-Man!
-Looking good, bro.

-Where'd you get this barong?
-Oh, your mom gave it to me.

-You didn't want it.
-(Joe sighs)

-Dude, I missed you, man.
-I miss you, too, man.

-Happy Easter, everybody.
-Oh, such a good boy.

Aw. Thank you, Tita.

-MANNY: Come on.
-(Eugene chuckles)

-Hey, Eugene, uh, what is this?
-Oh.

Yeah.
This is a hypetruck, my man.

Where's the tacos at?

I thought we were making
a Filipino taco truck.

No, no, no.
We're not doing tacos anymore.

What do you mean
we're not doing tacos?

Oh, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

This is so much better.

I mean, this truck sells
all things hype.

It's all the cool stuff
that everybody wants.

(laughing)

Church.

(organ playing soft music)

Eugene.

-WOMAN: Hi, Joe!
-Eugene. Hi.

-What's a hypetruck?
-(scoffs)

You know when you're coming
out of a club at 2:00 a.m.?

What do you want the most?

-Tacos!
-No!

You want Gucci socks,
Louis Vuitton headbands,

Chanel press-on nails.

And we got all that stuff, baby.

-Hypetruck!
-Jesus, Eugene.

How are you gonna pay
for all this stuff?

Mr. Joe? Hi.

-Can I get a selfie with you?
-Yeah.

I'm a big fan
of your commercial.

♪ Let's get the party ♪

-BOTH: ♪ Started, baby. ♪
-(Joe chuckles)

Hi, Mom. Happy Easter.

Mm. Happy Easter, Eugene.

Aw, thank you. (chuckles)

Wow.

♪ ♪

(woman murmurs quietly)

Oops.

JOE:
Tita Teresa.

You look good as always.

But did you really have to wear
the same dress as my mom?

I can't help it if we shop
at the same place.

And I can't help it
if I wear it better.

Magenta is my color.

And by the way, congratulations
on your big new TV show.

How did you even know
about that?

You think your mom could
pass up an opportunity to brag?

I thought you two
weren't talking.

We're not.

-(groans)
-HILDO: Joseph.

JOE:
Hey, Hildo. Long time.

That's "Father Hildo" to you,
but you never have been

big on respect for me,
have you, Joseph?

-What does that even mean?
-Oh, you know what it means.

I gave you my demo,
and you were supposed to

give it to your little
Hollywood friends.

You can't tell me that
"Oops, God Did It Again"

-wasn't gonna be a hit.
-First of all,

I'm not even in the music biz.

And besides, I don't even
listen to Christian pop.

And I don't listen to you.

HILDO:
When they arrived,

they realized
the stone had been rolled away.

Lo and behold, Jesus was gone.

In accordance with Scripture,
he had ascended into heaven.

And now Jesus sits at
the right hand of the Father.

He is risen.

Let the glory of God
fill you up, and let us rejoice.

Peace be with you!

CONGREGATION:
And also with you.

-Oh, peace be with you.
-Love you.

Peace be with you.
Peace be with you.

-Peace be with you.
-Peace be with you.

What the hell?
I didn't agree to a hypetruck.

HILDO:
On this beautiful Easter Sunday,

remember this church is your
family, and family is divine.

(hushed):
Why are you so mad?

This isn't what we discussed.

Ah, you still got a truck.
What's the big deal?

(loudly):
I gave you $20,000.

Do you have something you'd like
to share with us, Joseph?

No, I'm s-sorry about that.

But I heard you say $20,000.

Is that your special
Easter gift for the church?

(congregation gasping,
murmuring)

JOE:
No. No, no, no. No, no.

We were, uh, talking
about something else.

Oh, my mistake.

I thought you'd be more like

Daly City's favorite son,
Lou Diamond Phillips.

Now, that's a real actor.
And generous, too.

You know, his lola lives
right around the block.

-What?
-If he were here today,

there's no way the collection
plate would look so light.

Psst. Give money, Joseph.
You're embarrassing me.

He's embarrassing me.

HILDO:
40 dollars?

Thank you, Joseph.

I see you value my sermon
as much as my music.

I'm sorry, Father Hildo.

Look, if you think it's so easy,
why don't you come up and do it?

You have a lot to say.

You know how
to entertain a crowd.

Come on, brothers and sisters.

Wouldn't you like to hear
Joe Valencia

from those annoying
beer commercials

-come up and give us a word?
-(congregation cheering)

What?

Come on, Joe.

-(cheering continues)
-(organ playing)

WOMAN:
Joe Valencia!

Yeah.

Hello.

It's good to be home for Easter,

among family, and, um...

And-and today,
it's important to remember,

no matter our differences,

Easter is a time
for us to come together.

-(chuckles)
-(microphone feedback hums)

I mean, who are we kidding?

It actually feels like
the time for us

to be at each other's throats.

It's the time to hold grudges.

It's a, it's a time

to-to complain about
each other's food.

I mean, show of hands,

how many people here have titas
that are fighting today?

Come on. Stop lying.

You're in church. Exactly.

-Stop it. (mutters)
-That's what I'm talking about.

Father Hildo's up here talking
about "family is divine."

Well, I say family is a mess.

A complete mess.

I mean, no wonder no one wants
to come home for the holidays

to their Filipino parents.

They don't.

If there was ever a question
if Jesus Christ was Filipino,

his dad straight-up
guilt-tripped him

-to come home for Easter.
-(laughter)

It's the truth.

(Filipino accent):
"Jesus, are you coming

"back home for Easter?

I'm by myself in heaven, and
it's very lonely." (chuckles)

(normal voice): And Jesus
is like, "Ah, Dad, I'm busy.

"I'm-- All day, I've been
turning water into wine,

"and-and the Romans,
they scare me.

"I've been running away.

-(laughter)
-"Uh, by the way,

"I got 12 friends
coming over for dinner.

-I don't have time."
-(laughter)

And God's like,
"Okay, fine, Jesus.

"Go ahead and have fun
with your friends.

"But one--
watch out for one of them.

"He's not good.

"He might stab you in the back.

(laughter)

"He might just
sneak up behind you

"and-and just
stab you like that.

"And you're, (groans) 'I'm--
I was already going to die

"for my sins,
but why did you do that to me?'

(laughter)

"Just put spoons on the table.

(laughter)

"'Cause if he stab you
with the spoon--

"'Hey. What are you doing?'

"But if he has a knife--
(grunts)

(laughter)

"Sp-- He's spooning you, huh?

"He just keeps spooning
and spooning like that.

(laughter continues)

"You're not a dessert.

"You're my son.

"You are my son,
and the last thing I want to see

"is someone spooning my son.

(laughter)

So just come home, Anak."

(laughter, applause)

I'm guilty of it, too.

I guilt-tripped my son
into coming home

for Easter here,
to see the family.

He doesn't want to be here.
He'd rather be home.

Kids got it easy.
Am I right, Father Hildo?

They got it so easy.

I mean, look at that picture
of Jesus right there.

Jesus died for our sins.

My son dies when I take
his phone away for two hours.

(laughter)

He doesn't know what to do.

He just walks around the house
like he's been crucified.

-"What did I do to
deserve this, Dad? -(laughter)

"I need my phone back, Dad!

(laughter)

"I need Spotify.

"I ordered Uber Eats!

I want to go on Instagram!"

(laughter, applause)

But I'm joking.

I'm happy I'm home
to see my mom.

I really am.

But, God, you make it difficult.

You really do.

My mom is at war
with my Tita Teresa,

and none of us know why.

If you didn't know if they were
related, look at their dresses.

(laughter)

Both of them
got it at Marshalls.

(Filipino accent):
They call that a "two for one."

(laughter)

(normal voice):
So I think, right now,

especially today, I think
they should bury the hatchet.

-Yes!
-(congregation cheering)

-JOE: Right? Bury the hatchet!
-That's right.

What do you think, Daly City?
What do you think, Daly City?

Should my mom and Tita Teresa
just drop the grudge for one day

so that we can have
a beautiful Easter lunch?

-What do you say?
-(congregation cheering)

-Stop it. Stop it.
-Yes!

Now reach into your pocket
and grab your wallet

and put some more money
in that basket!

And if you have extra money,
please buy Father Hildo's demo!

(cheering continues)

Make some noise!

-Hallelujah!
-CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!

-Amen!
-CONGREGATION: Amen!

♪ I'm picking up the party
when I'm rocking it ♪

♪ It's stupid
when you're hearing this ♪

-♪ Rashaan a super lyricist ♪
-♪ Super ♪

♪ Showing out my muscle when
I'm lifting up my boom box ♪

♪ Rock you from your new wave
collar to your tube socks ♪

♪ Dot you like a umlaut,
get it, get it, girlie ♪

♪ I could make it happen
when I'm rapping, for surely ♪

♪ I rap so fat
that they damn near burly ♪

♪ Rapping till late
turn to damn near early... ♪

JOE: So, what's up?
What's going on with them?

Oh, I'm telling you,
it was New Year's on the cruise.

Tita Susan wanted to do karaoke,

and Mama Teresa
wanted to do gambling.

That's not right.

Mama wanted to go
dancing dancing,

and Tita Susan
wanted to play bingo.

No, it all started at dinner

when we were making
New Year's resolutions.

Mine was to stop wearing shorts
with my postal carrier uniform.

I have varicose veins.

Also, I think
shorts are too casual.

-Hoy. (shushes)
-Oh, my God.

Beautiful lunch.

The pork liempo? Off the charts.

-Aw, thank you, sweetheart.
-Seriously.

JOE:
Yeah, of course.

♪ I'm all that, all this,
I give this all back... ♪

Oh, like this?

-JUNIOR: Oh, yeah. Okay, yep.
-(camera clicking)

Yep. Okay.

-Right there.
-Mm.

-Yeah, that's clean.
-What do you think?

-Yeah. Ah, man.
-There it is.

I don't know why your dad's
so mad at me about this truck.

We're gonna be rich off of it.

Yeah, I mean, it's pretty cool.

Can I look inside?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, dude.

You're gonna love
the Balenciaga shoelaces.

-(chuckles)
-Ah, all right. Shoelaces.

-Um, actually-- Yeah, no, no.
-What?

I got to, I...
I got to get out of here, so...

Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's great.
I just-- I got--

I got to put gas in this,
you know.

This is, like, a guzzler, man.

And I got to,
got to wipe it down.

Just, uh, tell your dad
how cool the truck is,

and, uh, I'll see you later.

(engine starts)

-(tires squealing)
-(camera clicks)

So, on New Year's,
we're doing karaoke.

Oh, man, I was killing it
with my voice and these hips.

We're not talking
about you, mahal.

Uh, Dad, can I talk
to you about Eugene?

-H-Hold on, you guys.
-(ringtone playing)

I got to take this.
Talent agency.

-YVONNE: Oh. Okay.
-MANNY: Oh. (chuckling)

-Wowee.
-(laughs)

Well, when I was
with Eugene, I...

Hold on, son.
I got to take this.

It's Nick.

Hey, Nick. What's going on?

Who's the best agent
in the world?

(mouthing)

-(laughs) He got it!
-Ooh. (squeals)

(excited chatter)

ARTHUR:
Ah, your dad.

He's a big-time Hollywood star.

-I got the part, Nick?
-NICK: That's right.

The part is yours
if you do the accent.

What are you
talking about, Nick?

The character
doesn't have an accent,

so why should I do an accent?

Come on, Joe. Accents are funny,
and funny is money.

-Are you kidding me right now?
-I'm not.

I hate to say this,
but if you won't do the accent,

you're not getting the role.

(sighs)

Nick, I'm funny
without the accent.

You are, but you're not being
very network-friendly right now.

But, hey, bud, I just drove
into the garage at Universal,

so I think I may...
(speaks gibberish)

-(line beeps)
-Wha-- What?

ARTHUR: One time,
I went to Beverly Hills.

Beautiful hospitals.

-Lots of Filipinos.
-Uh... um...

Junior, how come you always
look confused like a refugee?

Ay, leave him alone.

He's not used to being around
so many Filipinos.

How can he not be comfortable
around Filipinos?

He's Filipino.

Uh, I actually have
homework, so...

-Oh, yeah.
-MANNY: Ah, there he is.

Mr. Hollywood, huh? Big shot.

(laughter)

-♪ I'm cold ♪
-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ So ice-cold,
yeah, baby, I'm froze ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Froze from the top
to the bottom, I'm cold... ♪

No, Junior.
Save your pictures for tonight.

This food's too greasy.
Will give you so many pimples.

-Okay.
-Junior, eat something.

You look too skinny.

Yeah, no. All right. Um...

Unlike your son-in-law
who thinks he invented partying.

Yeah, okay. I-I just, uh...

Oh, no, no, no. Here.

Take a polvoron.

-I made it just for you.
-Okay.

No, Junior.

Save room for my empanadas.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, yeah,
I'll just be over there.

♪ I know you heard this before ♪

-♪ Hey ♪
-♪ We here ♪

-♪ We poppin' now ♪
-♪ Party, party ♪

-♪ No stoppin' now ♪
-♪ Shorty, shorty ♪

♪ She droppin' now,
'cause we poppin' now ♪

Oh!

-Oh.
-♪ We poppin' now, ay ♪

(camera clicking)

-♪ We poppin' now ♪
-♪ Party, party... ♪

TALA:
Hello?

Oh.

What, you're just taking
pictures of me

-like some weirdo creeper?
-Oh, no.

I mean, I was taking photos
of a lot of things,

and then you just happened
to be there.

-Oh.
-I'm not a weirdo creeper.

-Is that a film camera?
-Uh, yeah.

Can I see it?

-Um, sure.
-Thanks. Oh, wow.

Wow, this...
this is really nice.

-Yeah.
-This is vintage.

Um, what are you d--
what are you doing?

-See you, creeper.
-Wait! Come back!

She's stealing my camera!

(laughing)

(mockingly):
"Stealing my camera."

(laughs) I'm sorry.

I had to. You look like
a lost little tourist.

-Oh, I-- Here I thought
I was blending in. -No.

Not a lot of dudes
from this neighborhood would

walk around with
a camera like this.

But, uh, where'd you
get that anyway?

(chuckles):
That goofy hypetruck

-that was over there before?
-Um, no.

My mom got it for me, but, uh...

-Oh. -It's actually
my uncle Eugene's truck.

Or Tito Eugene. Whatever.

Oh, you're related to him.
Sorry.

-What is that thing?
-Um, yeah, I don't know.

But, you know, then again,
I don't really understand

much of anything
that happens around here.

Where are you from?

Uh, Los Angeles.

Beverly Hills?

-(chuckles) Um...
-I get it.

Rich mom, rich neighborhood,
private school.

It's very obvious.

So coming up here must be like
landing on the moon.

Yeah, it's different,
but, uh, I like it.

(laughs):
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-I'm Tala.
-Hi.

Um, Joe Valencia Junior.
Um, nice to meet you.

Wait a second. (gasps)

Is your dad
the beer commercial guy?

"Time to get
this party started, baby!"

Um, yeah.

That's dope.

Um, is it?

I'm telling you, most
postal carriers are Filipino.

We control the mail.

You control the mail,
you control the world.

-Ay, no one cares, Tito.
-Oh. (chuckles)

-So, Joe...
-Yeah?

...you're going to invite us
to a big Hollywood premiere?

(Joe and Yvonne chuckle)

Let's not
get ahead of ourselves.

You don't know how these things
are gonna actually turn out.

When you become famous, if you
need security, I'm your man.

-I'm a black belt.
-You are?

Yeah.

-(yelps) -Oh, my...
-Oh, my God.

-(shouts in Filipino)
-Oh, my God.

You're going to stab yourself!

(speaks Filipino)

My route gets dangerous.

I like to be prepared.

Hey, nobody's eating
my empanadas.

-Mmm.
-Mmm.

It's my special recipe.

Oh, ah, these are
the best, Mama T.

-Oh, my God.
-(Yvonne speaks Filipino)

Oh, my God.
These are my favorite.

Mom.

That's my recipe.

I'm going now, Joseph.

I can't take it anymore.

I need to start cooking anyway.

You need a ride home?

No, no.

Enjoy yourself.

Clearly, you'd rather spend time
with them more than me.

Maybe you'd rather Tita Teresa
was your mother,

with her special empanadas.

JOE:
What?

(sighs)

She's leaving the lunch?

I mean... (sighs)

Then I'm not going
to the dinner.

No, no, no, no, no.

She came to lunch.
You're going to dinner.

Fine, but I'm leaving early,
and I'm not eating.

Oh, my God.

(engines revving)

-(tires squealing)
-(rap music playing)

♪ I got money, I got money,
I got money, I got mon... ♪

(music stops)

Where's Eugene Valencia at?!

Anybody?!

Let me see
what this is all about.

I'll be right back.

Go with him. Bring your weapon.

I mostly use them to open boxes.

DEV: Hello! Eugene!
I'm gonna find you!

Don't make me search for you.

Hey, hey. What's up?

I need to talk to Eugene.

-Where is he?
-I don't know.

-He's not here.
-Oh, shit.

You're Joe Valencia.

-Yeah. -Yeah, yeah,
from the beer commercials.

Right, right.
You have that catchphrase.

Wh-Wh-What is it?

"Let's get the party
started, baby."

"Let's get
the party started, baby!"

(mouthing) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Dev chuckles)

I have something to tell you.

Uh, that shit is so corny.

Who are you, dude?

Dev Deluxe.

Your cousin Eugene
owes me a lot of money.

I invested in his hypetruck.

Hypetruck.

-On purpose?
-Mm-hmm.

I loaned him
a lot of merchandise to sell,

and guess what.

He magically said
it all got stolen

at a Whole Foods parking lot.

I need that money back
from Eugene ASAP.

Numbers. What's Eugene's tally?

He owes you $40,000.

-What?
-(exhales)

Look, man.

This has nothing to do with me,

so I'm gonna go back
to my family.

Oh, but it does.

You see, Eugene couldn't
stop talking about

his big-time
Hollywood business partner.

His famous cousin
from the beer commercial.

So, figure it out.

-Do we understand each other?
-Hey, hey, man.

There-There's no need
for that, all right?

Let me talk to Eugene,

and we'll get back to you,
all right?

I'm sure, whatever this is,
we'll work it out.

You and Eugene have
till the end of the day

to settle
your fiduciary responsibilities.

You got it?

(laughs) There he is!

It's Joe Valencia!

The broke-ass Vin Diesel!

-(Dev laughing)
-(engines revving)

-(tires squealing)
-(rap music playing)

Yeah!

(scooter whirring)

Hey, Joseph,
who were those guys?

Oh, just some of
Eugene's friends.

Come on, son. We got to go.

Oh, Dad, I wanted
to introduce you to, um--

This is Tala.

-Hi, Tala. Nice to meet you.
-TALA: Nice to meet you.

MANNY:
Yeah, I play bocce ball

with, uh, Tala's mother's
second cousin.

-Oh. -But have you decided
between Berkeley and UCLA?

-She got into both.
-Ooh.

Uh, how did--
How'd you know that?

-I haven't even told my mom.
-I deliver your mail.

-Big envelopes.
-(Teresa laughs)

JOE:
So sorry, you guys.

We got to get back to the house,

so we'll see you later.
All right, come on, son.

-I... -Oh, it's fine.
I have to get to work anyway.

Yeah, I hope we get to hang out.

-Nice to meet you.
-Come on.

♪ And I got to say yes... ♪

JUNIOR: Dad, what the hell?
She was cool.

She was pretty.
She kind of understood me.

(sighs) I'm sorry.

I'm just kind of
in a situation right now.

Is it about Eugene?

Yeah, how did you know?

I tried to tell you before.
You can be real with me.

-Tried to tell me? When?
-I don't know.

Maybe when you were taking your
millionth call from your agent.

-(ringtone playing)
-Oh, my God! It's a holiday.

Why does he keep calling?

Nick, what's up?

Oh. (chuckles) My bad.

-Butt-dial.
-Hey, you know what?

While I have you, I wanted
to know if I could ask...

Yeah, it's not
a good time, buddy.

I just drove into
the Malibu tunnel.

-Nick? Hello...
-(line beeps)

♪ ♪

(exclaims)

Stop staring at me.

SUSAN:
Don't make fun, Joseph.

One day,
baby Jesus will save you.

-Did you put that there?
-Can you help me?

I need ice from the basement.
You, too, Junior.

I need you to help me
in the kitchen.

Sure, Lola.
I'm just gonna change first.

-Have you seen Eugene?
-No, I have not.

Why are you standing there?
Go get me ice.

(speaking Filipino)

(sighs)

(scoffs)

(Filipino accent):
"Get back on the bike.

"Get back on the bike,
huh, Joseph?

-Get back on the bike."
-(bike bell dings)

(laughs)

(Filipino accent):
"Get back on the bike, Joe."

(normal voice):
Ah, man, it's still so funny.

What's up, Kuya?

What's up? I don't know.

Just this little, tiny gremlin

with a big, shiny gun
is looking for you.

Ah. Yeah, that's Dev Deluxe.

That's why I'm hiding down here.

-I was gonna tell you about him.
-When?

Apparently, you owe him $40,000.

Do you even have that?

No. Could you lend it to me?

No!

I don't have $40,000.

I barely have the 20
that I gave you.

Well, thank you for that,

because that angel investment
bought us the truck.

The taco truck, Eugene.

Hypetruck is so much better.

Hypetruck!

-Hypetruck!
-Yeah.

-No.
-Oh.

Let's get to the part where
you lost this guy's merchandise.

I needed more money

to paint the truck
and put shelves in it.

So I didn't lose his merch.

I just sold it.

Oh, my God. You stole his stuff.

Borrowed.
I'll pay him back, too.

Dude, you can't steal
someone's stuff

and then sell it
to pay him back.

This-this whole thing
is a pyramid scheme.

(chuckles):
Hypetruck.

You should call it
"Ponzi truck"!

That doesn't sound as good.

I don't understand
why you're freaking out.

We're about to get rich.

I just need to sell
all of my dope merch.

Today, Eugene.

The little, tiny man
with the big, shiny gun

wants his money back today.

No, I can't sell
all that stuff today.

-And plus, it's a holiday.
-You're gonna sell the--

You're gonna sell
this gold chain.

You're gonna sell this watch.

How about the truck?

You're selling something,
Eugene.

Kuya, you're probably
gonna get mad,

but I have something
that will solve our problem.

♪ ♪

Are those...

EUGENE:
Manny Pacquiao's boxing gloves

from the De La Hoya fight.

-(camera clicking)
-(crowd cheering)

JOE:
Where'd you get them?

-They're Dev Deluxe's.
-Oh, my God.

-Eugene.
-The night of the fight

at the MGM Grand,
Dev paid a janitor ten thou

to steal these
from Manny's locker.

He stole these from Pacquiao?

What a dick.

That's what I'm saying, Kuya.

Can you believe
that a non-Filipino

had such an important part
of the Filipino culture?

-So I had to liberate them.
-Yeah.

For our people. For our country.

Eugene, what do you think
Dev would do

if he found out
that you had these gloves?

He'd kill me.

So you put them
in my mother's house?!

-He's not gonna kill
your mother! -Eugene!

SUSAN:
Eugene?

There's my good boy.

Can you get me some ice
from the freezer?

Joe is taking too long.

-(scoffs) Joe.
-(sighs)

Of course, Tita.

(chuckles)
It smells yummy up there.

-Thank you. Such a good boy.
-(Joe chuckles)

Not really. Not really.

What are you,
some kind of wizard?

Do you have everyone
under a spell?

Listen, Kuya.

I-I'm willing to sell these
on one condition.

You have conditions?

They have to go to a Filipino.

How the hell
are we supposed to do that?!

Ah, come on, man.

You used to be
part of this game.

You got to know somebody.

(Joe sighs)

Well...

...there is one guy.

("It Is What It Is"
by Rakeem playing)

SUSAN:
Such a good boy, Eugene.

(Susan shushes)

Where are you going, Joseph?

-We got to go do a thing.
-Yeah.

-We'll be right back.
-Seriously?

♪ I'm-a do it, I'm-a do it,
just watch ♪

♪ It is what it is, what it is,
what it is, what it is... ♪

Hey, Dad, can I come?

Junior, we're kind of doing

something
really important here, okay?

I've barely seen you all day.

Ah, get in the car. Come on.

♪ It is what it is, what it is,
what it is, what it is... ♪

-Where are we going?
-Serramonte.

-Not Marvin Ma?
-You have a better idea?

Uh, what are we doing exactly?

Wait, Serramonte's a mall?

Yeah, they got
some pretty good stuff.

Not as good as the hypetruck,
but Marvin's pretty hooked up.

-And who's Marvin again?
-Well, he's kind of a dealer.

-A drug dealer?
-No, merchandise.

-Sounds sketchy.
-You want to go home

and make empanadas
with your lola?

All right,
go get yourself a halo-halo

and meet back here
in about a half hour.

-A halo-halo?
-It's a drink.

And a dessert.

Get me a Lava Lychee

with adzuki beans
and extra pinipig.

(chuckles) I love that crunch.

-♪ What it is, what it is. ♪
-(song ends)

Hey, welcome to Clothes RX.
What's your clothing emergency?

Hey, I'm looking for Marvin.

Well, Marvin's not here.

-Come on. Marvin's always here.
-I can get you some denim.

We got relaxed fit,
stretch, skinny.

No, no. Skinny is out of style.
Don't go with skinny.

Just tell Marvin Joey V's here.

Marvin is not here.

(scoffs)
Where's your camera? Marvin!

It's Joe!

I need to see--

-(radio beeps)
-Marvin, it's Joe.

-I need to see you now.
-Go for Raymond.

Yes.

My mistake.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

Come on back. Just...

-Let's go.
-Let's go to the back.

What? Dude, really?

Whoa.

This is so unnecessary.

All right.
You don't have to squeeze that.

Just him.

Come on.

(camera clicks)

So you are stalking me.

Oh, what? No. (chuckles)

Hey. Uh...

No, my dad
had to come do a thing.

(chuckles):
That sounds suspicious.

Yeah, well, I mean,
what are you doing here?

I work here.

Oh.

Um, well,
I'm supposed to get halo-halo,

-whatever that is.
-Oh, yeah.

I love halo-halo. That's nice.

Um, well, if you have a break,

would you want to come
get one with me?

(chuckles softly)

Subbasement.

("Hypnotize" by
The Notorious B.I.G. playing)

♪ Ha, sicker than your average ♪

♪ Poppa twist cabbage
off instinct ♪

♪ Niggas don't think
shit stink ♪

♪ Pink gators,
my Detroit players... ♪

-JOE: Marvin.
-(music stops)

Joey V?

You can't just
come here unannounced.

Next time,
you got to make an appointment.

Sorry, man.

I just need
to unload something fast.

Oh. (stammers)

There better not be
anything illegal in there,

because I've gone straight.

Then why are you
in this weird-ass basement?

Well, mostly straight.

A lot of stuff I sell down here
I can't have in the main store.

-Clothes RX? Clothes RX?
-(laughs)

Dude, you've come a long way
since selling sneakers out of

-the trunk of your car, man.
-Okay, can you not--

Okay, can you actually
not touch those?

Dua Lipa wore those.
You can still smell her on that.

-Who?
-Dua Lipa.

The girl with two lips.

(sniffs) Ooh.

She's a real athlete.

Look at you.
What about you, man?

You're about to be
a big TV star, right?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-What's, uh, uh-- Big Scott!

-Great Scott.
-Great Scott!

-Yeah, man.
-Yeah, man.

I always said
you look like a Scott.

Well, I'm actually Jack,
the crazy next-door neighbor.

-Series regular, lot of lines.
-Well, that's something.

How'd you even know that?

Well, I got a lot of birdies
on the street, man.

Huh?

Actually, your mom told me.

What do you got?

Shit! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Get those out of here right now.

-But they're Manny Pacquiao's...
-(shushes) I know what they are!

They're Manny Pacquiao's gloves

that he wore
at the De La Hoya fight.

-Exactly.
-And they belong to Dev Deluxe.

No, they used to belong
to Dev Deluxe,

then my stupid cousin
took them off his hands.

Eugene was the one
that stole them?

-Does he have a death wish?
-I guess.

These are worth
at least a million dollars.

A million dollars?

-(shushes) Yes.
-A million dollars?

Yeah, but nobody's paying that
for stolen gloves.

Come on, man.

-Just buy them...
-No.

...and then resell them
like you always do.

Dude, I need 40 racks
by the end of the day.

Uh-uh. No, thank you.

Deluxe is legit crazy.

I once saw him
shoot somebody in the dick.

-What?
-Right in the actual hole.

-In the hole?
-(whistles)

-Ah, dude, stop, man.
-Yeah.

-We're dead.
-No, no, no, no!

We're not dead. You're dead.

I'm okay. Joe, Eugene, dead.

Marvin, there's got to be
something you can do, man.

Please, I need your help.

Okay.

I might know a guy
that will go for these.

He goes by the name of
"The Jeweler."

But it's a long shot.

Is he Filipino?

We want these
in Filipino hands, if possible.

You can't be begging
and choosing, Joe.

Come on, man. Th-These gloves
need to be in Filipino hands.

(sighs) Well, actually,
come to think of it,

he might be Filipino.

I always thought he was Mexican,

but I think he wants people
to think that.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

(sighs)
Well, what's in it for Marvin?

You know, let's barter
a little bit, man.

A little tits for tats.

Hey, look, Marvin, if you want
to get your beak wet,

we can dance.

Actually, I think
I got another idea, Joe.

Hey, Daly City.

Come on down to Clothes RX

and let us help you
with your clothing emergency.

Today!

What do you think?
Y-You can be honest.

I mean, the-the hand thing was,
like, kind of weird, right?

-Yeah.
-I don't know why I did that.

So stupid.

Goddamn it. Why'd I do that?

Do I actually look like that
in real life?

It's okay, Marvin.
It's not that bad.

-What do you want? Acting tips?
-What do you have?

Okay. May-Maybe just,
like, up the energy.

Like, be excited about the
moment, you know what I mean?

And, uh, uh, less hand thing.

I don't know what this was,
but it was awkward.

And then smile with your eyes.

-That's perfect.
-Yeah.

(camera whirs, beeps)

-And action.
-What?

Oh, no, no, no, Marvin.
I mean, I don't have time.

Okay, I-I don't have time
to shoot a commercial right now.

I got to sell these gloves.
I got to get o...

I got to make money.
(stammers) No, I can't.

Well, do you want to meet my
probably-Filipino buyer or not?

Tits for tats.

-Marvin...
-All you got to do is say,

uh, "Let's get the Clothes RX
party started, baby."

(fingers snap)

That's my beer commercial.

And action.

(sighs)

Let's get this Clothes RX party
started, baby.

Say it like you mean it, Joe.

Let's get this Clothes RX party
started, baby.

Good, good. But, you know,
do something with your hands.

They look like two dead fish
just wavering on the side.

(sighs)

Let's get this Clothes RX party
started, baby.

Can you just smile
with your eyes?

That was my tip
that I gave to you.

And action.

Let's get this Clothes RX party
started, baby.

-That's it, bro! Dude!
-Uh, hold on, hold on.

I can, I can do better
than that.

So just let-let it roll.
Let it roll.

(sighs) And action.

Let's get that Clothes RX party
started, ba... by!

I think we got it.

No, no, I can do better.
No, it was a little--

I look like a robot.

What is this shit?
You know what I mean?

We have two great takes.

One more suggestion, but, uh--

-Maybe a dance. -("Levitating"
by Dua Lipa playing)

'Cause I'm saying "party."

Like, why would I say "party"
and not even have a party?

Well, if you want
to dance, yeah.

Yeah. Let's get
this Clothes RX party started--

and then point-- baby.

If you're gonna point,
just point.

You don't have to say
"and then point."

Okay. G-Good suggestion.

Let's get
this Clothes RX party started.

Get your clothes! Baby!

Baby! Baby!

-Yeah!
-♪ I'm levitating. ♪

-(door opens)
-How'd it go?

I don't want to talk about it
right now, Eugene.

God, the things I do for you.

TALA:
It is a little sweet, I know.

And, well, halo-halo is, like,
the essence of Filipino culture.

-It's so extra, right?
-Mm.

So much piled on,
so many flavors and colors.

It looks messy,
but no matter what,

you always come back for more.

-Wow. That's so deep.
-Oh.

-Um, do you mind?
-Sure.

-Oh, okay.
-(camera clicks)

(Tala chuckles)

Well, well, well.

It's my boss.
Just ignore him. He's a bozo.

So we're just taking breaks
whenever we want?

Who's this lanky fool?

Hello? Do you speak, lanky fool?

Uh...

Ooh, Lava Lychee with
extra pinipig-- my favorite.

You're a loser, Dev.

I know.
I've been told many times.

Go home.
We're closing early for Easter.

Gladly.

-Bye!
-TALA: Don't talk to him.

-He's a bozo. Let's go.
-There is no employee discount.

Bye, Dev!

Why do you even work there?

Because not everyone has
a rich mom from Beverly Hills.

(chuckles)

-Hey, guys.
-Hi, Tala.

-Where's my halo-halo, cuz?
-JUNIOR: Tala's boss swiped it.

-He's such an asshole.
-Yeah.

If you googled the worst person
in the entire world,

Dev Deluxe's name
would show up for real.

-Dev Deluxe is here?
-Mm-hmm.

-(sighs) Let's go.
-What's up?

-TALA: Oh, okay. -JOE:
Don't ask questions. Let's go.

I see you, Eugene!
You can't hide from me!

("Explosion" by
Eli "Paperboy" Reed playing)

♪ I've been watching you ♪

♪ For a very long time ♪

♪ You're making me crazy ♪

-♪ 'Bout to lose my mind ♪
-(tires squealing)

♪ You better be ready ♪

♪ 'Cause it's time to go ♪

♪ So stand back... ♪

You're dead, Eugene!
You're dead!

Why does your boss
want to kill my uncle?

He's not really trying
to kill me.

Don't worry, Junior.
Everything's gonna be okay.

♪ Gonna be an explosion ♪

♪ Watch out, ow... ♪

Uh-oh.

(tires squealing)

You got this, Kuya.

It's like the San Jose Rat Race.

The San Jose what now?

Your dad beat 30 of the best
of the Bay's street drivers

in a money race between
Daly City and San Jose.

He did what?

Everyone, buckle up.

-(tires squealing)
-(engine revving)

♪ I'm like dynamite ♪

♪ Gonna be an explosion, baby ♪

(horns honking)

♪ Gonna be an explosion, baby ♪

♪ Gonna be an explosion, baby ♪

♪ Gonna be in a, gonna be in a,
gonna be in a ♪

♪ Ow ♪

(screaming)

♪ Explosion, baby ♪

♪ Gonna be an explosion,
baby... ♪

-Oh, my God! Oh, my...
-(horns honking)

Kuya, use this.

Keep it still. Hold it still.

Okay. Oh. Oops. Oh.

-I need that!
-Sorry.

-Can we go straight,
please, Dad? -Hang on!

(tires squealing)

♪ Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two... ♪

(phone ringing)

JOE:
Don't answer that, Eugene.

Hi, Tita Susan.

Make sure you're not late
for dinner, okay?

-Oh, we'd never be late.
-Such a good boy.

I love your mom. (chuckles)

DEV:
I'm not playing around!

Dad, they have guns back there.

(siren whooping, wailing)

♪ Uh... ♪

Uh-oh.

Oh, damn it!

♪ Just pull the pin
and then you'll see... ♪

(screaming)

♪ No hiding place,
feel it coming ♪

♪ Cover your face ♪

♪ Gonna be an explosion, baby ♪

♪ Gonna be an explosion,
baby... ♪

Dad, why do you have
Manny Pacquiao's gloves

in your backseat?

-Uh...
-These are Dev Deluxe's, right?

Someone stole them
from his store.

The cops came and everything.

Right, right, right,
right, right!

♪ Yes, sir ♪

♪ Explosion, baby ♪

♪ Gonna be an explosion,
baby... ♪

(groans) Damn it.

(siren whooping)

BOTH:
Oh, shit.

Hide those gloves, okay?

Okay.

♪ Oh, yeah, cover me ♪

-♪ Ow! ♪
-(song ends)

(indistinct
police radio chatter)

License and registration.

Joe?

(laughs):
Is that you, Joe?

Vanessa.

-Yeah.
-Wow.

-Man, you're a cop now?
-Yeah.

Have been
for the last ten years.

You would've known that
if wouldn't have

-ghosted me the way you did.
-Ah, yeah.

You okay, Joe?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's just, uh--

That's-that's my son
Joe Junior right there,

and that's, uh, Tala.

Hi.

And you remember, uh,
Eugene, right?

Eugene! Mean Gene!

Okay, yeah.

You used to make
that killer French toast, man.

What was
the secret ingredient again?

'Cause I've tried
to recreate it.

Just haven't been able
to come up with it.

Um, e-eggnog, I think.

-Eggnog?
-Yeah.

That makes so much sense.

(Vanessa and Joe chuckle)

-And this your dad?
-Yeah.

You know, me and your daddy,

we used to be real intimate
back in the day.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I could've been your mama.

But clearly I'm not.

I'm not.

Yeah. Joe Valencia.

-Yes. (chuckles)
-I can't believe it.

-In a Subaru at that.
-Yep.

Wh-What happened?
You just gave up, huh?

-(groans) -You know,
when I saw this Subaru,

I was thinking to myself,

"Oh, that got to be two ladies
and a labradoodle."

But nope. It's you, Joe.

-Yeah, it's me.
-It's you, Joe.

It's me, Vanessa.

God, you look good.

Seriously, look at this uniform.

Beautiful.

Is there any way you can just
let us go with a warning?

You were doing 90 in a 40
in a Subaru.

I'm supposed to arrest you.

Where were you headed to
in such a hurry anyways?

-Where y'all racing off to?
-Easter Sunday dinner.

I don't want to be late.

-You know how my mom is.
-Mm-hmm.

I do remember.

But you seem
a little squirrelly.

What's going on with you, hmm?

Reminds me of the time

I caught you
cheating on me with, uh,

Molly-volleyball.

Yep.
Ran into her not too long ago.

-Well, how's she doing?
-Not good.

She had one too many sips of
wine at happy hour one night,

and I had to go ahead and pull
her over and lock her up. Oops!

Yeah, she was looking at me
the same way

-when I had caught
you two together. -Yeah.

(imitating Molly):
Like, "Oh, shit.

"Oh, shit. I can't believe
this is happening to me.

"I'm so sorry.
I can't believe this.

Don't beat me up, Vanessa."

-(Vanessa laughing)
-(chuckles)

(normal voice):
Oh, yeah, Molly-volleyball.

Payback's a bitch.

I'm sorry.

Okay, everything that happened
with Molly, I... I'm sorry.

Get the hell out the car!

Everybody, get out
of this raggedy-ass car!

Get out now!

-Get out!
-(Joe sighs)

And what's in that bag?!

-Ow! -JOE: Nothing.
Nothing's in that bag.

Ow! (groans)
Oh, the baby. It hurts.

You're going into labor?

Honey, I told you
the baby was coming.

VANESSA: Now, girl--
Now sit back and relax.

-Cross your legs.
-(groans)

Okay, cross your legs

is what you should've did
in the first place.

-Vanessa. -Ow!
-And now you gonna have a baby

by a big waterhead boy,

-and it's gonna probably be
a big waterhead baby. -Ow!

And that big old head
gonna open you up,

and you'll be walking around
like a cowboy

-for the rest of your life.
-(Tala groaning)

Don't let that baby come out.

Hold it. (inhales sharply)
Hold it!

You do not want
the inside of a Subaru

to be the first thing
this baby see,

'cause then you gonna have to
nickname the baby Suby.

-JOE: Okay. -You don't want
your baby named Suby, do you?

-TALA: No. -No, you don't want
no little Suby-Dooby-Doo.

-No.
-Not Mercedes.

-Ow. Oh.
-Not Lexus.

Nope, not even Tesla.
Not Tessie.

Mm-mm. Suby.

TALA:
Ow. Ooh, the baby.

Man, comfort her, man!

Do some comforting!
Tell her you love her!

-I-I love you?
-It's not a question!

-Yeah, like father like son.
-Okay, can we-- Right now?

You didn't teach the boy
no compassion?

-She's having a baby.
-I'm just saying.

-Get back-- Get in the car.
-Vanessa...

-Okay.
-VANESSA: Follow me.

I'm-a escort y'all
to the hospital.

(siren wailing)

(whooping)

And the Oscar goes to Tala.

Are you kidding me?

I freaking hope so, man.
Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

(siren wailing)

(tires squealing)

-Oh. (chuckles)
-Oh, my God.

(siren stops)

Seriously?!

Tala, thank you, thank you.

Where do you live?
I'll drop you off.

TALA: Um, off Skyline,
by the high school.

Thanks for the ride. Thank you.

Well, bye, I guess. (chuckles)

-Bye.
-JOE: Bye.

EUGENE:
Bye.

JOE:
Why are you still in the car?

Go talk to her.

Hey, Tala!

Um, I was thinking--
I don't know--

maybe if you don't have
any plans later,

uh, would you like to come have
dinner with us tonight?

Oh, yeah, okay.

-My mom's working late, so...
-Okay, cool.

Okay, cool. (chuckles)

-Ooh.
-Yeah.

-Yeah. (chuckles)
-Ooh. (chuckles)

Somebody's got a date.

-JOE: Let's go, man.
-(engine starts)

♪ ♪

-(ringtone playing)
-I-I got to take this.

Nick, what's up?

-Joe, I think I can save this.
-Okay. How?

They're making a decision
on Monday,

but Jamie Peters has agreed
to give you a chance

to convince her that
they don't need the accent.

So just be your charming self,
and let's sew this thing up.

Great news, Nick. When?

Tonight at 6:00.

-I'm throwing a seder dinner.
-Tonight?

Wait, you're Jewish?

A lot of people think so.

(groans) I'm up near
San Francisco with family.

No problem.
There's a flight every hour.

-We drove.
-You drove?

Yes!

Shit. We really do
need to get you this job.

I know, but I can't come today.

I'm having Easter Sunday dinner.

Eat early, and come
to my place for dessert.

This is your big chance, Joe.

It's do or die.
I'll send you a ticket.

Wait, so this isn't the part

where you tell me that
you're going through a canyon?

No, because this is important.

And that hurts, by the way.

WOMAN (over phone):
Hi, Joe.

The 7:30 flight gets you
into Burbank at 8:45,

and there'll be a car
waiting for you.

-Okay. I'll be there.
-SUSAN: You'll be where?

Where have you been, Joseph?

I need help.
Everyone will be here soon.

Okay, put me to work.
Hey, let's start dinner early.

Say around 4:15, 4:30?

-I'm starving.
-(phone dings)

Oh. (gasps)

What now, Joseph?

Ah.

Eugene, we got to go!

Mom, don't be mad.
I'll be right back.

Empanadas! My favorite.

EUGENE:
Relax, Kuya. We got a buyer.

-It's all good.
-JOE: It's not all good.

This jeweler could be
a criminal for all we know.

Or a jeweler.

-Trust me, it'll work out.
-Trust you?

That's what got us
into this mess.

All I hear all day is,

"Oh, Eugene,
you're such a good boy."

You know what?

-You're not such a good boy.
-I know.

Think your mom just says that
because I keep her company.

We have dinner, watch TV.
I drive her around.

Right, you guys
really do hang out a lot.

Well, we're family.

It's the least I can do
while you're hustling in L.A.

And by the way, my mom thinks
you hung the moon, too.

-(sighs)
-I think it's just harder

to disappoint
someone else's mom.

You know, when you say it
like that,

it's just so hard
to be mad at you.

(chuckles)
Family's mad complicated.

(Joe scoffs)

♪ ♪

Let me do the talking.

-Should I ring the doorbell?
-Obviously.

(electronic doorbell rings)

(lively chatter inside)

Are you The... The Jeweler?

Is-is The Jeweler here?

Such a good boy.

Go to the garage.

Oh. All right.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, it's...

Lou Diamond Phillips!

You're The Jeweler.

(chuckles) Oh, I get it.

-"Diamond." Get it?
-(chuckles) Mm-mm.

It's the name I use
to check in to hotels.

-Don't let that get around.
-EUGENE: Oh, oh.

Can you sing a little bit
of "La Bamba" for me?

-No.
-Yeah. No.

So I hear you have
something for me?

(breath trembling)

-I told you these gloves had to
go to a Filipino. -(laughs)

Hey, you are Filipino, right?

You were so great in La Bamba,

I could've sworn
you were Mexican.

Plus Stand and Deliver.

At this point, you got to
convince me you're not Mexican.

I'm mestizo.

Half Filipino, half Scots-Irish.

-Oh, your dad was
in the military? -Yes.

But did Mel Gibson put me
in Braveheart? Oh, no.

Ah, that would've been so dope.
"Freedom!"

Or, "Preedom!"

(laughter)

LOU: Look, the reason
I wanted these gloves

is because I'm playing
Manny Pacquiao

in the film about his life,
Pac Man.

-So awesome!
-Yes!

-I know, right?
-Oh, man.

And so to have his gloves, I...

(sniffs, sighs)

-Can I try these on?
-JOE: Yeah.

Of course, Lou Diamond Phillips.

You can just call me Lou.

How 'bout I call you
Lou Phillips?

I bet nobody calls you that.
That would be our thing.

-(chuckles)
-(grunts)

(sighs)

(taps gloves)

Whoa! You just became Manny.

(laughs)

LOU:
Yeah.

All right, 40K.

Can I get you the money
in a couple hours?

Yeah, as long as
we get it by 6:00.

Not a prob.

Text me your address,
and I'll see you at 6:00.

-Yes.
-Wait a second.

These aren't stolen, are they?

What if I said no?

Then I would say,

"Good enough for me."

(laughter)

-Oh.
-Oh.

You really are an inspiration.

Oh, yeah, my kuya's an actor,

so maybe you can give him
some advice?

Like, maybe he should
go by three names.

"Joe Diamond Valencia," right?

Mm. Uh...

Yeah. Hey, look, um...

Thanks for the gloves.

-JOE: All right.
-(grunts)

All right. You know. Hold on.

Hold on. Uh...

-Joe.
-Joe.

This business can be tough.

Sometimes it makes you
forget who you are.

(chuckles): I mean,
you can get really dizzy.

Uh, in Young Guns 1 and 2,
I mean,

there I was, on horseback,

out there in the desert,
yet again,

playing another badass,
tough-but-fair outlaw.

I was always grateful
for the roles, you know?

But it's-it's so, it's so easy
to forget where you came from.

Sometimes you need to come home

to remember what matters,
you know?

-Get your head straight.
-(grunts) Yeah.

Your heart.

You know, it is so beautiful

to be around family and friends
and the ones that you...

-WOMAN: Lou Diamond. -Y-Yeah,
Mom? I'm-I'm sorry. Yeah.

WOMAN and SUSAN:
What are you doing out there?

The family's waiting.

-Come on.
-Sorry, Mom. We're coming.

Let's go. Let's go.

Everyone's waiting.

(lively chatter)

Here they are, finally.

♪ ♪

Oh, well, look who's graced us
with his presence.

Oh, well, what did we miss?

We're putting together
the balikbayan box.

Uh, the what now?

We're sending gifts to
our family in the Philippines.

We show our love with
cosmetics, clothes and candy.

Are we putting anything
in the box, Dad?

Just love.

And I'm putting in Viagra.

That's a different kind of love.

I think the cousins back home

will like these shirts
I got for them.

They're polo.

ALL:
Ooh.

I'm sending perfume.

-OTHERS: Ah.
-Wow.

Oh, nobody likes that.
It's too strong.

-It's my signature scent.
-(scoffs) We know.

I'm also sending nail polish.

Last year's colors.
Maybe they won't notice.

-It's this year's colors.
-If you say so.

Vogue says so.

Well, I'm sending this
brand-new Revlon hair dryer.

It's like you stepped out
of the salon every time.

Ha! If it makes your hair look
like that, I wouldn't send it.

-How dare you?
-How dare you?!

This is what I'm talking about!

We should put them both
in the box and ship it.

Hoy, Romeo.

-OTHERS: Ooh.
-There's Tala.

(excited murmuring)

Pretty.

All right, guys, stop it.
This is so embarrassing.

-Hi.
-Hi.

ALL:
Hi, Tala.

Hi, everyone.

Hi. Happy Easter.

-ALL: Happy Easter.
-Hi.

-Happy Easter.
-(lively chatter)

Oh, karaoke night! Fun.

You like to sing?

-Obviously.
-(gasps)

Maybe you two lovebirds
can sing a duet later.

-Mm. Hmm?
-Uh...

Do you know
"Islands in the Stream"?

That's my favorite.
So romantic. (chuckles)

♪ And we'll rely
on each other, ah ah ♪

(harmonizing):
♪ From one lover to another ♪

♪ Ah ah. ♪

Ooh!

I like that one.

-She's a keeper.
-(fingers snapping)

-Yeah, thank you, Tita.
-Mm.

Well, what do we do?

Uh, how 'bout I talk to my mom
and you talk to your mom?

No. How 'bout if I talk to
your mom and you talk to my mom?

Or how 'bout you talk to your
mom and you talk to my mom?

-What? -I don't want to talk
to either of them, really.

-Me neither.
-Okay. Well...

Hey. You guys are doing
a really great job.

Oh, thank you so much, Regina.

Yeah.

"Oh, thank you so much, Regina."

You really think
we're doing a good job?

-Yeah.
-No.

-Oh.
-(grunts)

Fine. I'll do it.

Okay.

Why'd you look at your watch?

I thought
that's what we were doing.

No. God.

How you doing, Mom?

How do you think
I'm doing, Joseph?

Mom, you know what I think
would save the day?

This beautiful meal.

Right?
I mean, who could stay mad

with all this delicious dinner?

Look, it's incredible.

Everyone's ready to eat,
so let's go, Mom, seriously.

(shushes) Stop.

You could eat it more
if you came home more often.

Okay, Mom, stop riding me.

Every time I come here,
you give me a guilt trip.

-Stop giving me a guilt trip.
-Is that what you think?

-That I-I push you too hard?
-No, Mom.

I think you give me a guilt trip
every time I come here.

I did the best I could, Joseph.

You know,
it wasn't that easy for me.

I know that.

I'm just saying,
you always give me crap

for not coming home.

That's it.

Is that why you ran off to L.A.?

No, I went to L.A. to become
a comic, Mom. You know...

Maybe Teresa is right.
Maybe I am a terrible mother.

God.
You're not a terrible mother.

-(dish slams loudly)
-Uh-oh.

-Well, that's what
my sister thinks. -Why?

-The bike, for one thing.
-The bike?

Why? Because I broke
both of my wrists? It happens.

I mean, nowadays they'd probably
call child services, but...

You had very bad balance.

Maybe you should've
held on to me a little longer.

I did.

Goodbye. I'm leaving.

What?

I told you I was leaving early,
so goodbye.

Tita Teresa,
sit down at that table.

Let's eat. (chuckles)

Oh, so it's dinner and a show.
Got it.

EUGENE:
You're not still vegan, are you?

JOE:
Okay, this looks delicious.

-TALA: God, I'm starving.
-JOE: Happy Easter, everyone.

ALL:
Happy Easter!

Okay, I sat at the table.
Now I'm leaving.

-EUGENE: Oh, my God.
-Stay.

I'm about to say grace.

(quiet sighing, murmuring)

(sighs) Heavenly Father,

thank you
for this beautiful food

and, uh, this beautiful family.

Family is everything,
so whatever it is

that you two got going on,
bury it.

-It's just not worth it.
-(phone vibrates)

I mean, look at us all together.

-Moments like these are few and
far between. -(phone vibrates)

-So, uh...
-Oh, my God.

...let's enjoy it, right?

God, you're
so full of shit, Dad.

-What?
-Your agent sent you a ticket.

Just got a text from JetBlue,
says you're ready to check in.

-Oh. -What? No.
-(all murmuring)

No. No, no, no, no.

Is that true, Joseph?

(scoffs) I mean, sort of.

All this talk about family
and being together--

you're literally about to leave.

JOE: Look, look, look,
my agent sent me

a ticket to go down there
to meet the head of the network.

-That's all. -Yeah, and then
what was I supposed to do?

Just drive home alone?

You were just gonna
leave me here by myself?

You always have
something more important.

I've been taking photos
of this family all day,

and you know what?
You're not in any of them.

Screw it. Tala, let's go.

Uh, we don't talk like that
to our parents up here, bro.

-(sighs)
-I'll talk to him.

Sorry, everyone.

I can't believe you were
going to leave my dinner.

-(sighs)
-(ringtone playing)

NICK:
Shalom, Joe.

Nick, I can't talk
right now, okay?

-Does anybody want to be here?
-Yeah. -Yeah.

(all murmuring)

No. I told you
I didn't want to be here.

(Tala scoffs)

What, are you gonna walk all
the way back to Beverly Hills?

You know,
I got to be honest here.

You're acting like
a straight-up baby right now.

You want to know why you didn't
get any pictures of your dad?

It's 'cause he was
busting his ass for you today.

What was
the photography assignment

from that rich school he's
hustling so hard to pay for?

-Perspective.
-Perspective, yeah.

Why don't you try
someone else's for once?

(sighs)

Look, I'm gonna head home
and hang out with my mom,

who-- funny story-- is single
because my dad left

when I was in the third grade.

Like, actually left.

Not left a dinner
or missed a school play,

but he left
and he didn't look back.

(sighs)

So, yeah. Perspective.

Tala...

Mom, I'm trying
to get a job, okay?

I told you it was a bad weekend,

but you just kept calling
and calling and calling.

It's Easter Sunday, Joseph.

And the guilt.

You always lay on the guilt.

(imitating Susan):
"Joseph, it's Easter Sunday.

"Are you coming
for Easter Sunday?

"Tell me you're coming
for Easter Sunday, Joseph.

Are you coming?"

You know what?

I'm sorry
if I'm such a bad mother,

but maybe you're not
such a good father either.

-(others gasping, murmuring)
-Wha...

-Mom! -(groans)
-What is wrong with you?

JOE:
I'm trying to be a good father.

That's why I wanted
this TV show,

so I can pay my bills.

But guess what.

I didn't get it.

-(others murmuring)
-You didn't got that?

-No, I thought you got that.
-JOE: No.

So that's why I was trying
to get to L.A., to salvage it.

You lied to us, Joseph?

I'm just trying to do
the best that I can, Mom.

Well, I don't know anything
about the acting thing,

but with all due respect, Tita
Susan, Joe's a great father.

And you're a great mother.

I don't know why you keep
saying that you're not.

Because that's what
she keeps telling me.

Tita Teresa,

did you tell my mom
that she's a terrible mother?

-No.
-SUSAN: Yes, you did.

-On the cruise.
-I simply told you

that you push him so hard,
that's why he moved to L.A.

Did I push you too hard?

Yeah, but that's
what made me who I am.

Then what about the bike?

That was 35 years ago. I'm okay.

-I am sorry about the bike.
-(sighs)

I knew you were hurt,
and I kept yelling,

"Get back on the bike!
Get back on the bike!"

We'd just come to this country,
and I wanted you to fit in.

All the kids
already knew how to ride.

And your dad was gone.

And I just wanted to make sure

that you could catch up to them.

Mom, I did catch up
to those kids.

Want to know why?
'Cause I'm strong.

Because of you.

And when Dad left,
you were alone.

You know? And you-you had
to do whatever you could

to teach me
how to ride that bike.

You were the only one
that cared, Mom.

So you're not angry
about the bike?

I can never be mad at you
for that.

I love you for that.

(sighs)

Aw.

I love you so much.

I love you, too, Joseph.

(both laugh softly)

-(Teresa gasps)
-I'm right and...

(overlapping chatter)

...and you were wrong.

You apply pressure.

(overlapping chatter continues)

Nobody taught me
how to ride a bicycle.

(overlapping chatter continues)

JOE (over speakers):
Ladies and gentlemen!

(chatter stops)

Sometimes words fail us,
and we only have one choice.

That's why God
gave Filipinos karaoke.

To quote everyone's
favorite good boy right there,

"Family is mad complicated."

Especially ours.

-Yes. -You can say that again.
-Preach. -That's the truth.

JOE:
But what are we gonna do?

We're all we got, right?

-Yes.
-Preach.

So let's get the...

ALL:
Party started, baby!

(Black Eyed Peas'
"I Gotta Feeling" playing)

-JOE: ♪ I got a feeling ♪
-(others whooping)

-Come on.
-Let's go.

♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good night ♪

Come on, Mom.

JOE and SUSAN:
♪ Tonight's gonna be ♪

♪ A good night ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night ♪

-♪ Feeling ♪
-♪ Yoo-hoo ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good night ♪

♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night ♪

♪ Tonight's the night ♪

♪ Let's live it up ♪

♪ I got my money ♪

♪ Let's spend it up ♪

♪ Go out and smash it ♪

-♪ Like "Oh, my God" ♪
-♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ Jump out that sofa,
let's kick it off ♪

-♪ I know that we'll have
a ball ♪ -(laughter, murmuring)

♪ Get down and go out
and just lose it all ♪

♪ I feel stressed out,
I want to let it go ♪

♪ Let's go way out, spaced out ♪

♪ Losing all control ♪

♪ Here we come, here we go ♪

♪ We got to rock,
rock, rock, rock, rock ♪

♪ Easy come, easy go ♪

♪ Now we on top,
top, top, top, top ♪

♪ Feel the shot, body rock,
rock, rock, rock, rock ♪

♪ Round and round, up and down ♪

♪ Around the clock,
clock, clock, clock, clock ♪

♪ I got a feeling ♪

♪ Yoo-hoo ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good night ♪

♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be ♪

-♪ A good, good night ♪
-(music ends)

(harmonizing):
♪ Yoo-hoo. ♪

(cheering, laughter,
excited chatter)

Yeah!

Yes.

-(whooping)
-That was hecka fire!

-(excited chatter)
-(fanfare plays over TV)

Hey, hey, hey, guys. The score,
the score, the score, you guys.

(sad music plays)

-87? -What?! -Come on!
-(groaning)

That's because you were flat.

I was not flat.
You came in late on the verse.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I was not late.

-I was not late. -(laughs)
-(slow, rhythmic clapping)

DEV:
Wow.

What a beautifully
talented family.

Eugene, I'm offended
I didn't get an invite.

Who are those people?

Hey, guys.

Where is my money?

-We don't have it yet,
but it's coming. -Oh.

You think I'm stupid.

Like I, like I have
a stupid face.

Do I have a stupid face?

I-Is my face stupid?

I didn't think so. (stammers)

That.

(chuckles):
That is a stupid face.

I'm only gonna ask you
one more time.

Where is my money?

Can you give us an hour?

All right.

Well, guess we're gonna be here
awhile, huh? (laughs)

Do you think I should apologize?

Yes.

You could start by saying,
"I'm sorry."

Or if you want to go
a little deeper,

-"I'm sorry for being
a little bitch." -(chuckles)

Um, thanks
for coming with me tonight.

I don't know what I would've
done if you weren't here.

Yeah. I mean,
Filipino families fight a lot,

but we love a lot, too.

-Like halo-halo, remember?
-Yeah. Right.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, I mean, you're kind of

like my Daly City spirit guide.

(chuckles)

(both chuckle softly)

♪ ♪

-Oh, no.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No. Look.

(hushed):
We have to call the police.

DEV: So, Joe, I just got
an interesting phone call.

You want to tell me where
this $40,000 is coming from?

Why does that even matter?

Oh, I don't know.

-(exclaiming, murmuring)
-JOE: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

No need for that.
The-the money's coming.

Oh, I know where the money's
coming from, Hollywood.

-(screaming)
-(Dev laughs)

Pick that up, Ramone.

Did you really think you could
steal my Manny Pacquiao gloves,

sell them, pay me with the cash,

and I wouldn't find out, Joseph?

They're not your gloves.
You stole them first.

Shut up!

Ay! Stop shooting at my Joseph!

So, we're gonna need to come up
with another solution.

You have any ideas?

We have to do something.

We can't just
sit around here waiting.

He's right.

Come join us inside.

Can anybody explain to me

what kind of shitty economic
model Hollywood is running on

that a successful actor,
with a catchphrase,

can't scrape together
a measly 40 grand?

I mean, you're the star
of your own goddamn TV show.

No.

Don't be humble.
That's not what I heard.

It's not happening.

So you auditioned
and you didn't get it?

But you told everyone you did.

(laughing):
Oh, my God.

Joe, you're such a loser!

-Shut the hell up!
-Junior, no!

(shouting, yelling)

Now you pissed me off!

-And I'm gonna take each
and every... -Dev. Dev, look.

DEV:
Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

It's $10,000.

It's mine, but you can have it.
Just leave us alone.

I told you baby Jesus
would save you one day.

It's very sweet, Tita,
but you're 30 grand short.

-Hypetruck!
-Hypetruck.

Here's $5,000.

Now you have 15.

DEV:
God, I love Filipino ladies.

Just have money
hidden everywhere.

I just went to the bank.
Here's $400.

TERESA:
I also just went to the bank.

Here's $500.

SUSAN:
Here are my ATM cards.

Whatever I have is yours.
Just go.

How many bank accounts
do you have?

My family survived the Japanese,

the Americans
and the Bitcoin bubble.

I don't put my money
in just one place.

Here's my credit union card.
Zero monthly fees.

This is
some fiscally responsible shit.

And here's my Pinkberry card.

One punch away from
a free yogurt.

And what do you expect me to do
with all these cards, huh?

Memorize 40 PIN numbers?

My PIN number is 1217.

-Oh, also is mine.
-YVONNE: Oh, ours-- Mine, also.

-Mine, too. -Mine, also.
-So is mine. -Mine.

Why do you all have
the same PIN number?

ALL:
It's Manny Pacquiao's birthday.

Oh. Right.

The guy who couldn't
beat Mayweather.

(angry shouting)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

-Hey, shut up!
-(shouting stops)

Shut up!

Numbers, where are we at?

15,900 in cash,
plus whatever these hold.

Still short.

So I guess
I'll just have to take

-this!
-(others gasping)

Let go of him, Dev!

DEV:
Give me the gloves and the cash,

and you'll get
this piece of shit back.

Come on.

(sighs) Dev.

Uh-uh-uh.

(talking quietly)

(quietly):
Are you packing?

Always.

I need a distraction.

I thought you'd never ask.

(speaks Filipino)

Which one of you shitheads
wants to see my blades, huh?

Come on.

-Hey, hey, hey!
-(Arthur shouts indistinctly)

-(grunting)
-(others murmuring)

Stop.

(chatter continues)

♪ ♪

-(shouting)
-RAMONE: Hey! Hey!

Open the door.

Hey, Dev, want your gloves back?

This is for Manny.

(groans)

Sick.

(panting)

Nice punch, Dad.

(murmuring)

Am I dead? Did I die?

And new middleweight champion
of the world!

-(cheering)
-(sirens wailing)

(laughter)

(whoops)

Joseph.

You did it!

OFFICER:
Move, move, move!

(laughter and chatter continue)

(grunting)

What the hell is going on here?

That's Dev Deluxe.

He stole
Manny Pacquiao's gloves,

and I got them back. Here.

-You knocked him out?
-Yeah.

Is that supposed to turn me on?

(laughs):
I'm just kidding.

'Cause it does.

Hey, Tita Susan! Remember me?

Yes. Hello, Vanessa.

She's not good for my Joseph.

I heard that.

You know I'm the police now.

You better watch
your little snide comments.

I know where you live.

Okay, why do you do that
all the time?

'Cause it's fun.

She overacting, man.

Yeah, she does overact.

-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, man.

You know,
I-I just want to apologize

about that whole
Molly-volleyball thing.

-That wasn't right.
-No, it wasn't.

And I just remember
how much fun we used to have

back in the day,
and I thought maybe

next time I'm out here, let's--

I don't know--
let's grab some coffee or...

Did somebody punch you
in the head?

-Um...
-Maybe you got donkey-punched.

'Cause I don't know why
you would think it would be cool

for me to go anywhere with you
after the way you treated me.

With your bald head

and your pit bull, wandering,
glossy-ass eyes.

And you still driving
that raggedy-ass car.

Yeah.

But you can go ahead
and email me.

-It's pretty much the same.
-Okay.

So, "thatbitchnessa..."

-Got it.
-Okay?

Okay. Nessa.

You're still beautiful.

I know.

-Nessa.
-What?

Can you wear that outfit
when we go get coffee?

What, you think you Lil Wayne
or something? (scoffs)

Get your bucket head in the car!

♪ ♪

(sighs)

Yeah, those gloves
are way too hot.

Junior!

(excited chatter)

-You're okay?
-I was so worried.

Hey! There he is!

(all cheering, laughing)

(grunting)

JOE:
Is everyone okay up here?

That was a lot.

(excited chatter continues)

NICK (over phone):
Joe?

Joe, can you hear me?

Who-Who's that? Who's that?

Nick. Wait.

-Hey. Hey.
-We're still on, buddy.

Nice.

-Joe, are you all right?
-(panting): Yeah.

This whole day has been
a little overwhelming.

I'm sad
you didn't make it tonight.

I wanted to get to know you.

(slurring, panting):
Okay. You know?

That's my family. You know?

And, uh, maybe
we should, uh, cancel

those JetBlue reservations,
'cause, uh...

Call my agent, call my agent

and, uh, maybe tell him
that, uh, Kyle...

Kyle made it a little weird.

I pay for private school.

-(all gasping)
-JUNIOR: Dad!

-REGINA: Joe? Joe.
-(monitor beeping steadily)

Can you open your eyes, Joe?

WOMAN (over P.A.):
Dr. Jones to radiology.

Dr. Jones to radiology.

Hey.

(groans)

How you feeling? You okay?

Where am I?

I'll give you one guess.

-(chuckles) Hi.
-Hi.

Mm.

We thought you were having
a heart attack.

No such luck.

-(chuckles)
-It was just a panic attack.

You've been under
some stress lately, huh?

Where's Junior? Is he okay?

I'll go get him.

He's right outside.

Dad, are you okay?

I'm fine. Aw.

I'm fine.

As long as you're fine,
I'm fine.

-I was so worried about you.
-(chuckles)

I'm good. I'm good.

JUNIOR:
You know, listen, I...

I was acting like
a straight-up baby earlier,

and I see that now.

I-I mean,
Tala helped me see that.

And, so, I'm sorry.

You don't have to be sorry
for anything.

I'm sorry.
And I want to be around more.

I missed way too much.

Did you hit your head
when you fell?

No, I mean it.

Like, you're about
to go to college.

Well, maybe.

Depends on your grades,

which kind of suck
at the moment, but...

Yeah, we just need

to spend more time together
while we can.

That's all that matters.

I'm sorry
you didn't get the show, Dad.

-You deserved it.
-Mm.

Something else will come along.

Honestly, it was worth it.

Got to spend time
with you and the family.

(Joe chuckles)

(sighs)

You know, besides us
almost getting shot

and you collapsing, today was,
like, the best day ever.

-(laughs) -MANNY: Knock, knock.
Who's there?

-Who's there?
-JOE: Hey.

-Are you okay?
-(overlapping chatter)

-Joseph.
-Oh.

-Aw. (chuckles)
-Aw.

Okay, so are you guys good now?

-Yes. Thanks to you.
-Mm-hmm.

SUSAN:
I love you, Joseph.

You're such a good boy.

-I'm so proud of you.
-Aw.

We all are.

I'm sorry about the TV show,
you guys. (sighs)

I should've been honest.

Hey, Kuya, your phone rang,
so I answered it.

Oh. Yeah.

Joe, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. Hi?

I hear you're at the hospital,
so I'll make this quick.

We're not interested in you
for Great Sco anymore.

(sighs) Yeah, I-I know.
I-I kind of figured that.

Because we want to create a show
about you and your family.

The Joe Valencia Show
starring Joe Valencia.

(all gasping)

-Wait. What?
-What? -What?

You left us on FaceTime,
and we heard everything.

The dinner,

-the fight, the song,
-(laughing)

the crazy, crazy love
that is your family.

And that's the show
we want to make.

So, what do you say?

Are you kidding? Yeah!

(cheering, excited chatter)

("Up the Mood"
by Koncept playing)

Make sure I'm the prettiest.

♪ You spin the records,
we crush the groove ♪

♪ Two heels click,
then bust a move... ♪

(imitating Eugene):
Oh, come on, Kuya.

It's a great idea.

Okay, explain it to me
again, Eugene.

It's a hypetruck.

-(fingers snap)
-Hypetruck!

WOMAN:
Joseph!

BOTH:
Uh-oh.

Joseph, what have you been
doing in here?

Come help in the kitchen.

SUSAN:
Cut!

Cut! Cut! Cut! Hoy!

-(soundstage bell rings)
-(speaks Filipino)

I don't sound like that.

-She sounds spot-on to me.
-(laughter)

-Mom!
-What?

Hey, Lou Phillips,
uh, I just got

-a quick acting note for you.
-No.

And don't call me
"Lou Phillips."

You got to say "Diamond."

-No, but this is our thing.
-No, it's not.

Well, I wouldn't do the snaps

and a little bit more
from the diaphragm.

So it'll be like, "Hypetruck!"

Hypetruck! Is that it?

-JOE and EUGENE: Yeah.
-Yeah?

-JOE and EUGENE: No.
-Oh.

SUSAN: Joseph, I come
all the way down to L.A.,

and still you don't
want to spend time with me.

I'm trying to work, Mom. Look.

Please get off the set.

-Nick! -NICK: Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, Antonio.

I'm going over Mulholland.
Got to go.

Yeah, oh, I'm gonna lose you.
Bye. (inhales sharply)

What's up, buddy?

Can you do something about this?

Yeah, I don't want
any piece of that.

Where the hell is security?

SUSAN: I already told Jamie
that you need

-extra time off for Christmas.
-Why would you do that?

You're coming home
for Christmas...

Can you please get
these people off the set?

-JOE: Why are you guys on
the set? -I'll get right on it.

Joseph, you're coming home
for Christmas.

Okay, everybody,
back to your seats.

-Watch it, Arthur!
-Except her.

-She does what she wants.
-What is going on?

I'm not doing anything wrong.

-I'm just trying to help,
Joseph. -Oh, my God, Mom.

You need to get some sleep.

Why do they start so early?

Did you eat breakfast today?

So what do you think
about Christmas?

You're coming home, right?

Or are you too big of a star?

♪ Got a real good feeling
this will up the mood ♪

♪ You spin the records,
we crush the groove ♪

♪ Two heels click,
then bust a move ♪

♪ Boogie on down
like it's nothing new ♪

♪ Got a real good feeling
this will up the ♪

♪ Mood. ♪

-(clapboard claps)
-Get the hell out the car!

Get out of the car!
Everybody, get out!

(car doors close)

-Get out!
-We're out.

-We can't get any more out
than this. -Okay.

-DIRECTOR: And cut, cut, cut.
-(laughter)

♪ ♪

(song ends)

("Party with Me"
by F.F. Fresh playing)

-♪ I wanna know ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ Hands up high ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

♪ Who came to party with me? ♪

-♪ I wanna know ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ Hands up high ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

♪ Who came to party with me? ♪

♪ Gather round 'cause the king
is on the throne ♪

♪ A brand-new car
and a fancy new home ♪

♪ With all that going on,
try not to do wrong ♪

♪ But it's kind of hard with
all the honeys on my phone ♪

♪ The sound of the song makes
you move your feet around ♪

♪ Block party in the streets
all up and down ♪

♪ And I'm the kid
just rocking the crowd ♪

♪ Got these other emcees
jocking my style ♪

♪ High off life,
no dope 'cause I'm no dope ♪

♪ Just bright lights
and velvet ropes ♪

♪ And, no, sir,
I don't believe in violence ♪

♪ Spread love 'cause, don't
you know, love is timeless ♪

♪ And we only got
one life to live ♪

♪ So please be a role model
to these kids ♪

♪ Stay in school,
get your education ♪

♪ Then after that,
we can have a celebration ♪

-♪ I wanna know ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ Hands up high ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

♪ Who came to party with me? ♪

-♪ I wanna know ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ Hands up high ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

♪ Who came to party with me? ♪

♪ Ladies in the house tonight ♪

♪ Let me see you
just rock like this ♪

♪ Fellas in the house tonight ♪

♪ Let me see you
just rock like this ♪

♪ Ladies in the house tonight ♪

♪ Let me see you
just rock like this ♪

♪ Fellas in the house tonight ♪

♪ Let me see you
just rock like this ♪

♪ Oh, my gosh,
please help me if you can ♪

♪ All the girls in the world
want to marry the man ♪

♪ Sorry, ma'am,
but I must run along ♪

♪ I'm still so young, can't be
selfish with the charm ♪

♪ Come on, the hottest thing
around town ♪

♪ Gold rings, gold watch,
gold chains to the ground ♪

♪ All this match
the gold crown on my head ♪

♪ Parents out of town
so the party never ends ♪

♪ Tell a friend,
come one, come all tonight ♪

♪ Leave the drama
with your mama, no fights ♪

♪ Slide to the right,
back down to the left again ♪

♪ Honey moving fast,
got to catch my second wind ♪

♪ All the jams
blasting in the basement ♪

♪ Much love to
all the B-boys breaking ♪

♪ Hello to all honeys shaking ♪

♪ Tell your man that you found
his replacement ♪

-♪ I wanna know ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ Hands up high ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

♪ Who came to party with me? ♪

-♪ I wanna know ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ Hands up high ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

♪ Who came to party with me? ♪

♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo ♪

♪ How y'all doing out there? ♪

♪ This one right here ♪

♪ Is going out to all
the fly fellas and fly chicks ♪

♪ In fly threads and fly kicks ♪

♪ Get your feet
on the dance floor ♪

♪ We gon' do it
something like this ♪

-♪ I wanna know ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ Hands up high ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

♪ Who came to party with me? ♪

-♪ I wanna know ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ Hands up high ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

♪ Who came to party with me? ♪

♪ High off life,
no dope 'cause I'm no dope ♪

♪ Just bright lights
and velvet ropes ♪

♪ And, no, sir,
I don't believe in violence ♪

♪ Spread love 'cause, don't
you know, love is timeless ♪

♪ And we only got
one life to live ♪

♪ So please be a role model
to these kids ♪

♪ Stay in school,
get your education ♪

♪ Then after that,
we can have a celebration ♪

-♪ I wanna know ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ If you on the dance floor ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

-♪ Hands up high ♪
-♪ Who came to party? ♪

♪ Who came to party with me? ♪

(song ends)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(music fades)