Earth Girls Are Easy (1988) - full transcript

♪ On the edge ♪
♪ of outer space ♪

♪ Space, space, space ♪

♪ She's the one ♪
♪ with a serious face ♪

♪ Face, face, face ♪
♪ face, face ♪

♪ And I dropped in, ♪
♪ checked it out ♪

♪ Alien girls ♪
♪ were all about ♪

♪ Eons since ♪
♪ I had a date ♪

♪ Another light-year's ♪
♪ too long to wait ♪

♪ Earth girls are easy ♪

♪ Earth girls, so easy ♪

♪ Earth girls ♪



♪ Hey, those girls ♪
♪ are loads of fun ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ Even hotter ♪
♪ than the sun ♪

♪ Sun, sun, sun ♪

♪ You know that I've had ♪
♪ lots of girls ♪

♪ Most of them ♪
♪ from other worlds ♪

♪ While trippin' through ♪
♪ the galaxy ♪

♪ The valley girls ♪
♪ are the ones for me ♪

♪ Earth girls are easy ♪

♪ Earth girls, so easy ♪

♪ Earth girls ♪

♪ Earth girls ♪

♪ Girls ♪

♪ I've had lots of girls ♪



♪ Most of them ♪
♪ from other worlds ♪

♪ Eons since ♪
♪ I had a date ♪

♪ Another light-year's ♪
♪ too long to wait ♪

♪ Earth girls are easy ♪

♪ Earth girls, so easy ♪

♪ Earth girls ♪

♪ Earth girls are easy ♪

♪ Earth girls, so easy ♪

♪ Earth girls ♪

♪ Earth girls, so easy ♪

♪ So easy, so easy ♪

♪ Earth girls ♪

♪ Earth girls. ♪

-
- MAN: Valerie.

- I'm home.
- Oh, no. Ted, wait.

You're not supposed to see me
in this before the wedding.

It's bad luck.

Don't worry about it.

I mean, sweetheart,

it's just some stupid
superstition anyway.

Yeah, you're right.

We met on Friday the 13th
and look how happy we are.

So, Ted, what happened?
You said 11:00.

I'm sorry, Val.

It was blood and guts night
at the old emergency room.

Again?

Gee, I wish you'd called me.

I would have, but, you know,

five minutes on the phone
and that could, uh,

cost a life.
You know that.

Oh.

I'm ready, Teddy.

Oh, what a day.

Boy.

I was fluffing it for you.

Sweetheart, could you
get the light, please?

Teddy…

look what I found.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry,

but I have to take out a gall
bladder first thing in the morning.

- Tomorrow night. I promise.
- No, I won't be here tomorrow night.

- I'll be at the nail expo.
- What?

The cuticle convention, remember?
I'll be gone till Monday.

Oh, well, Monday, then.
I promise.

You know, I was reading
an ad for these pyramids

that you can get
and put over the bed

and they're supposed to
increase sexual energy.

- I thought we could…
- Valerie, please.

- Sorry.
- Good night, sweetheart.

Night.

WOMAN ON RADIO: K-Earth 101 southland
weather… another gorgeous day in L.A.

Sunny and warm.
86 degrees in Malibu.

94 in the valley.
88 in Hollywood.

That's K-Earth 101 news.
I'm Claudia Marshall.

♪ It's the summer of love, ♪
♪ love, love ♪

♪ I'm in love with ♪
♪ the love, love, love ♪

♪ For everyone ♪
♪ transcends who ♪

♪ I'm thinking of you ♪

♪ Boy ♪

♪ Love energy ♪

♪ Is giving us a shove ♪

♪ Making this ♪
♪ the summer of love… ♪

Hi, Miss Lana.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

I missed our appointment.
You look so great.

- That's a great outfit.
- Thanks, dear. That door's a real bitch.

- Hi, Val.
- Morning.

WOMAN: It's a really
good color for me.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

You need a fill.

- Uh, morning, all.
- ALL: Good morning.

You better have a note from
your mother, young lady.

♪ He's showing ♪
♪ off his body… ♪

I don't know.

I'm just not that
turned on by her lately.

I hear oysters
are good for potency.

Yeah, I tried that once,
but they kept slipping off.

If I was any more potent,
I'd kill somebody.

- Whoa!
- Oh, right!

No, no, no.

I gave this cute, little nurse a
ride home the other night, right?

Yeah, and?

And nothing. I'm getting
married next month.

And why are you
so tardy, young lady?

Oh, I was up real late
last night with Ted.

Oh, Dr. Dolittle
finally came through, huh?

No. He was
dead on arrival.

- Again? Sanka?
- Sure.

You know, at the rate
we've been having sex,

we might as well
be married already.

What's it been, like, a week?

Two weeks.

Valerie,

Ted is obviously
a victim of PMS.

- What?
- Premarital stress.

Oh. What'll snap him
out of it?

- A new woman.
- Thanks.

Wait. That's it!
We'll make you a new woman.

Oh, this is great. This is
totally fabulous. Watch this.

Okay, let's see how you look
on the makeover machine.

Oh, housewife from hell.

Matron on drugs.
Look at that.

That's it. We'll make you
blonde with blue eyes.

VALERIE:
I don't know.

Maybe when I get back
from the nail expo…

No, skip the expo.
Stay home and ambush Ted.

Oh, what if he doesn't like it?

At this point, what
have you got to lose?

- I don't know.
- Hey, come on, everybody. We're doing a makeover.

BOTH:
Ooh! Ooh!

- A perm.
- A perm.

- A butch.
- A butch.

- A facial.
- A facial.

- A body wrap.
- A body wrap.

- Gravel scrub.
- A gravel scrub.

- Bikini wax.
- Bikini wax.

- A fall.

- We'll do it all.
- WOMAN: All right!

♪ It's time to face the music, ♪
♪ it's time to make you see ♪

♪ The root of all your problems ♪
♪ is that you don't look like me ♪

♪ Now this is gonna hurt you, ♪
♪ but I just got to say ♪

♪ Your love life's going nowhere ♪
♪ 'cause you look like Doris Day ♪

♪ Who's the one ♪
♪ they can't resist? ♪

♪ The brand new girl ♪

♪ Who's on ♪
♪ the most wanted list? ♪

♪ The brand new girl ♪

♪ Honey, if you vixenize, ♪
♪ guaranteed he'll get a rise ♪

- ♪ Believe that you can be a brand new ♪
- ♪ Brand new

- ♪ Brand new
- ♪ Brand new

- ♪ Brand new
- ♪ Brand new

♪ Brand new girl, ow ♪

♪ You're cute and fresh ♪
♪ and wholesome ♪

♪ But science ♪
♪ has a cure ♪

♪ The natural look ♪
♪ is nowhere ♪

♪ Your hairdresser ♪
♪ knows for sure ♪

♪ You gotta learn ♪
♪ the art of teasing ♪

♪ Change ♪
♪ your repertoire ♪

♪ All you need's ♪
♪ a little faith ♪

♪ And a see-through
pushup bra ♪

♪ If you wanna be ♪
♪ a femme fatale ♪

♪ You can't rest ♪
♪ on your L'Oreals ♪

♪ You know, I think ♪
♪ she might be right ♪

♪ Grab the bleach, ♪
♪ she's seen the light ♪

- ♪ Maybelline ♪
- Ooh.

- ♪ Revlon ♪

- ♪ Rubbermaid ♪
- Mm.

♪ Talk to me, ♪
♪ Max Factor ♪

♪ Who's the one ♪
♪ they can't resist? ♪

- ♪ The brand new girl
- ♪ Brand new

♪ Who's on ♪
♪ the most wanted list? ♪

♪ The brand new girl ♪

♪ Honey, ♪
♪ if you vixenize ♪

♪ Guaranteed ♪
♪ he'll get a rise ♪

♪ Believe that can be ♪
♪ a brand new ♪

- ♪ Brand new ♪
- ♪ Brand new ♪

- ♪ Brand new ♪
- ♪ Brand new ♪

- ♪ Brand new ♪
- ♪ Brand ♪

♪ New ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ Girl ♪

Hello, Dr. Gallagher.

Surprised?

Yes, it's me.

Dr. Gallagher.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

You want to do what?

Oh, no, no.
I couldn't.

No, no, please.
Stop.

No, no.

Well…

all right.

Okay.
Let's see.

Now, champagne, flowers,

sushi, feathers,

um, sensual oil,

right,

and incense or… let's see.

"Sprinkle a light bulb
with your favorite perfume

to sensualize the atmosphere
of your love trap."

-
-

Oh, no!

-
- Oh, God. He's here.

Well, this is where we live.

- We?
- Yeah. Uh, you know, me and, uh,

the cat… Bambi.

Just make yourself
at home, all right?

Okay.

"How to Drive a Man Crazy."

- Eat me, I'm a cookie!

I'm sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.

I didn't know Ted had company.
I'm Valerie.

I don't usually dress like this.

Here comes Dr. Love.

All right, Robin, a pileup.

Who's your friend?

- Shit! Val.
- Ted, what are you doing?

- Uh, gee, nothing.
- What… what is going on here?

You brought a girl home
to have sex?

Well, you weren't
supposed to be here, Val.

- You were going to have sex without me?
- Well, no.

- Of course not.
- Look, I don't know what you two had in mind,

but I'm really not
into kinky scenes.

Bye.

Gee, Val, you look incredible.

Hey, you know… hey, honey, she
doesn't mean a thing to me, really.

If meaningless sex
is what you want,

why can't you have it with me!

I'm sorry.
I made a stupid mistake.

Hey, you know, I thought I
wanted a last fling, that's all.

You can't expect me to be
more evolved than I really am.

Evolved?
I'll show you evolved.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Val.

No, no, no. No, don't do that.
That's very dangerous.

Hey! Cut it…
Val, stop it!

Cut it out!

- Val, come on!
-

Neighbors are watching!

Val, open up.
Sweetheart, open the door!

VALERIE: You're wanted
in emergency, Dr. Love.

Val, you can't do this
to me! I'm a doctor!

Here! Take these
with you, Dr. Love.

And don't come back!

-
- Ted!

-
- Ted!

Ted, where are you going?

Go to bed, Mrs. Merkin!

- Mrs. Merkin! Mrs. Merkin!

♪ You're a liar, ♪
♪ and it took me forever ♪

♪ To figure that out ♪

♪ You could ♪
♪ switch on a smile ♪

♪ Pretend to be tender ♪

♪ But I know now ♪
♪ what you're all about ♪

♪ What a nightmare ♪

♪ My friends thought ♪
♪ you were a dream ♪

♪ You could ♪
♪ switch on a smile ♪

- ♪ And seem so sincere ♪

♪ But you don't even know ♪
♪ what that means ♪

♪ I don't think ♪
♪ you'll ever understand ♪

♪ Ooh, did cheating on me ♪
♪ make you feel like a man? ♪

♪ I used to worship ♪
♪ the ground you walk on ♪

♪ I did anything ♪
♪ you wanted me to ♪

♪ I used to worship ♪
♪ the ground you walk on ♪

♪ Now I've lost ♪
♪ my faith in you ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Sunday mornings ♪
♪ I'd wake up ♪

♪ Lie in bed ♪
♪ watching you sleep ♪

♪ It was almost religious ♪

♪ How I believed in you ♪

♪ It hurt when you ♪
♪ destroyed my belief ♪

♪ I don't think ♪
♪ you'll ever understand ♪

♪ Ooh, did cheatin' on me ♪
♪ make you feel like a man? ♪

♪ I used to worship ♪
♪ the ground you walk on ♪

♪ I did anything ♪
♪ you wanted me to ♪

♪ I used to worship ♪
♪ the ground you walk on ♪

♪ Now I've lost my faith ♪
♪ in you ♪

♪ Oh, I've lost ♪
♪ my faith in you ♪

♪ I used to worship ♪
♪ the ground you walk on ♪

♪ Didn't think ♪
♪ I'd get by without you ♪

♪ Now I don't worship ♪
♪ the ground you walk on ♪

♪ And I'm stronger ♪
♪ than I knew ♪

♪ I'm stronger ♪
♪ than you knew ♪

- Come here, you.
- No, Doctor. What about your wife?

She's in a coma.
You're not.

No. Oh.
Mm. Oh.

John?
John?

You weasel dick!

Hello.
Oh, Candy.

The worst thing
in the world happened.

No, Bambi's fine.

It's Ted.

Yeah. The blonde
thing did not work.

ROBIN LEACH: It's the show
that shows the ins and outs

of the southern California
fitness craze.

Let's face it.
Inner beauty is for losers…

Ooh.

Uh!

Mac!

Oh, great.

Oh, this is too good.

There's a giant blow dryer
in my pool.

Oh, shit!

Goddamn it, Ted, you're not gonna
control my mind when you're not here.

Okay, now…

just release all this
negative energy

out into the universe.

You're just gonna swim
right through it.

Oh, Teddy bear.
You're back.

What is this?
What's going on here?

This isn't what
it looks like, is it?

- Is it?

Oh, my God, it is.

It's a spaceship.

Oh, like things
weren't bad enough.

Now I've been abducted by a UFO.

Now, you guys…

you're just gonna do some
little experiments on me

and then, um, let me go like in
the "National Enquirer," right?

- Right?
- Right?

Right?

Okay, okay.

Just don't take out
anything I'm gonna need later.

Come on, come on. Get it over
with and then let me go, okay?

I don't know why
you abducted me anyway.

I mean, I'm sure you're looking
for somebody more important,

- you know, like Nancy Reagan.
- Nancy Reagan.

- Nancy Reagan.
- Really, if you let me go

I'll tell you where
to find her because…

see, I'm just a manicurist.

I don't know anything
about anything except nails.

- You know, nails.
- Nails.

- Nails.
- Nibs.

Really,
I can keep my mouth shut.

I mean, I'm the kind of person
that you can tell anything to

and I would never tell.
Ask my cousin Debbie.

You know, she got her boobs
done, and I never told anyone.

Oh, except I just told you.

Oh, my God.
You're aliens.

Zeebo.

Is that your name?
Zeebo?

Wiploc.

Wiploc. Hi.

Makelsolakveder.

Maybe I'll just call you Mac.
How's that?

Oh, and I'm Valerie.

- Valerie.
- "Walerie."

Volare.

You guys aren't
gonna to hurt me, are you?

Your planet is weird.

We're still in my pool.

- Oh.
- Oh!

Well, listen. It was really
nice meeting you, fellas,

but I have to go.

Feel free to use the pool, really, but
you've caught me at sort of a bad time.

Did I do that?
I flooded the ship.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.

I'm really, really sorry, you guys,
but I'm sure you can fix it, right?

Don't freak out, really.

This is just like the time that I
dropped my lady Schick in the toilet.

It's really… as soon as it
dried out, it worked fine.

Really.

Let's go in my house
and I'll make some lunch

and I'll get the pool drained

and then you guys can take off,
you know, back to your planet.

Blast off.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Comprende?

- Comprende?
- Comprende?

Comprende.

Be careful. This
ladder's a little loose.

Oh, I'm glad you can
breathe okay.

The air quality
is actually very good today.

Careful.
It's kind of wet.

Okay?

Well, uh, come on.
Let's go in the house.

This way.

Those are lemons. You know,
lemonade, lemon Pledge.

Oh. It's okay.
It's a sprinkler.

Listen, Earth people are gonna
freak out if they see you.

No offense, but you do look kinda
like wookies or werewolves

or something,
and people hate that.

I mean, they're gonna wanna
shoot you or something,

- so just be cool, okay?

Let's go inside.
Come on, come on.

What's going on
in my horoscope today?

Well, this is my house.

Um…
sorry about the mess.

Make yourselves at home.

Hi. This is
Valerie Gale.

Could you send Woody
to drain my pool?

Yeah. Right away.
It's an emergency. I…

Wow! I've never see
her do that before!

What is that,
some kind of love touch?

Oh! Hi. Yeah.
Listen.

This is a matter
of life and death.

See, I lost my contact lens
in the pool…

no, no. It's gotta be Woody.
He found it the last time.

Hey!
Those are Ted's fish!

Thanks.
No. No. No. No.

Not food!
Not food!

Let's see.
Oh, not much here,

but then, I didn't expect
I'd be have aliens for lunch.

Oh, look.

Low-cal Pop Tarts.
These are natural.

Great.

Okay. We have an entree.
What else?

Uh… instant pudding!

Add water, hmm…
too much work.

Oh, spray-on cheese!
This is great.

You have eggs on your planet?

I could cook those for you.

This is wonderful.

Oh, Wiploc!
No! No! Not there!

No.
Come with me.

Okay.
So you go in there.

No! No!
Come here. No.

You go in there.

Go in there…

Yeah.
And then you flush.

Oh, my God!
Woody's here!

Whatever you do,
just stay inside.

- You are Americans.

You're the product
of the freest society…

- You're tearing me apart!

You say one thing, he says another,
and everybody changes back…

- MAN: A new car!
- A new car!

- ♪ Take a mind excursion ♪

♪ It's just… ♪

Hey!
How's it going?

- Hey, Woody.
- What's that you're sitting on?

- Some kind of giant boogie board?
- No, it's my new pool patio.

- Bitchin', huh?
- It's pretty rad.

WOODY:
Whoa! Shoot the curl, kitty!

Those little guys
love the water, don't they?

Listen, Valerie. How come
you want your pool drained?

How come?
I don't know.

You know, the water just seems
really stale or something.

We've seen a lot of that.

So, how long is this gonna take?

Uh… about…
a day.

Whoa, check out the sets, man.

If I was six inches tall,
I'd be out there now.

They were pumping
like that this morning…

- I don't believe this.
- no, for real.

And I was getting barreled
in this totally cool tube.

I had just Sex Waxed
my board… really prem'.

Some hotdog shoots his board,
hits me in the head.

- Look at that.
- This is the worst.

Yeah, it would've been
the ride of the decade, too.

Well, what am I supposed to do
until tomorrow?

Waste your brain.
Wax your board.

Pray for waves.

Try this.
♪ What'll it be, hmm. ♪

- ♪ What'll it be? ♪
- ♪ Hmm ♪

Nice. Make me an Alaskan polar bear
heater on the double. Come on, come on.

We'll make our own music,
gorgeous. You and you stay.

Tubby, you go rest
your thumbs. I'll drive.

Now watch, baby.
Every move a picture.

-
-

Is there a doctor in the house?

Not right now.

- Leave a message when you
hear the beep. -

TED:
Valerie? Are you there?

Please pick up.
I need to talk to you.

I'm sorry I was such an asshole.

Val, you've got to believe this.

I've never ever been
unfaithful to you. Ever.

I'm only guilty of a little
kissy-face with one nurse.

I swear.
Oh, sweetheart.

You stopped me from making a biggest
mistake of my life last night.

Val, I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.

I'll see you
when I get home. Bye.

WOMAN:
Come back to Finland.

Come back to winter
all year round.

Come back to parkas
and goat's cheese.

Finland knows what you want.

Okay.
Well, we're all set.

- Finland is here?
- Finland?

No, this is the valley.

Finland is the capital of Norway.
God, you guys sure learn fast.

I'm
sorry I was such an asshole.

Oh! I see you found
a cable station.

Valerie, are you there?
Please pick up.

Did Ted call?

I'll be over right
after work tonight.

- Okay, honey? Bye.
- Oh, my God! What am I gonna do?

Ted is, like, a trained doctor.

One look at you guys and
he'll know you're not local.

Oh, wow.

If I only had about
zillion gallons of Nair.

- Nair. Nair.
- Nair.

♪ I'm a sex pixie ♪

♪ Is that okay? ♪

♪ Do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do ♪
♪ do do do do ♪

♪ Hey, hey, ♪
♪ do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ Da-do, oh, oh, oh ♪

- Candy, whatever you do, don't freak out.

- Valerie!
- I mean it, don't freak out.

- Promise me you will not freak out.
- Stop! You are freaking me out!

Okay, okay.
Oh, my God.

Um… a UFO landed
in my pool

and they captured me,
but we made friends,

and I fed them Pop Tarts
and they're here now,

but Ted's coming home tonight,
so you've got to cut their hair.

- What did you say?
- Oh, nothing. I'm on drugs.

Candy, you gotta help them.

Would you listen to yourself?

Valerie, no man is worth

getting yourself
in this state over.

Mel Gibson, maybe, but not Ted!

Valerie, come here.

Just sit down, honey.

Relax.
Have a mental Margarita.

Candy, now I'm gonna
show you something

that's gonna totally change your
life completely, forever, okay?

Well, in that case,
let me get a cigarette.

You got little alien house guests…
let's see 'em.

Shit, Valerie!

- Those are aliens!
- I told you.

Oh, God!
Oh, shit!

Valerie! Valerie!

Those are… those are big…
aliens!

What do they want from us?
What do you want from us?

Did they take control
of your brain?

Oh… I don't
think so.

- Can they talk?
- ♪ What'll it be, hmm? ♪

I ate all the Frusen Gladje.

My panty shields make me
feel fresh all day.

Are they straight?

I don't know.
They're aliens.

This is Mac,

and this is,
uh… Zeebo,

- and this is Wiploc.

Well, they're just darling.

Get 'em out of here.

They can't leave
until the pool is drained

and you know Ted, I mean, if
he finds out they're aliens,

he'll wanna call Washington
or dissect them or something.

I mean, I think we could make
them look more sort of human.

Yeah, I thought you never
wanted to see Ted again.

I don't. I just want
to talk to him.

Valerie, this is insane.

Oh, God. They're, like,
throwing up on my stuff!

VALERIE:
Come on, Candy.

Well, I see split ends
are universal.

Lost in space
with no conditioner, huh?

I think they've been
up there a long time.

Well, it's all dead.
It's got to come off.

- Can you do it?
- Does Tina Turner wear a wig?

- That's a wig?
- That's a wig.

- Great!
- No, thanks. It's got spit on it.

- I'll get clothes!
- But if I find one flea, the deal's off!

Okay, Val, are you ready?
I think they're almost done.

Okay, with the big red one I
went for the blond-surfer look.

Wow!

Which one is that?

Wiploc.
We are human now!

I don't believe it!
He's even cute!

CANDY:
I know! Bitchin', huh?

Val, you won't believe this.

Okay…

surprise!

- Is that Zeebo?
- Oh, my God! You're, like, totally black!

Okay… and…

behind door number three…

this is the ultimate!

Wow!

You're incredible.

Well, it was easy. You know,
I started on poodles.

Good?

Real good.

Okay, okay. Group picture.
Come on.

Come on.
Get down there.

All right…

now say, Velveeta Slices.

- Sl… vegakld.
- Vel… salksi.

Okay, you guys,
what's the plan for tonight?

Whoa! Candy,
reality check.

We can't go out with these guys.
They're aliens.

So?
They can still be dates!

Do you guys have Margaritas
on your planet?

Candy, it's just not safe. I'll
give you a life home and that's it.

Don't get your panties
in a bunch.

We're with three major cute
guys and it's Saturday night!

Come on!

CANDY: You guys are so lucky
you crashed in the valley.

I mean, it's the baddest
place on earth.

Candy, sit down!

Hi, sweets.

I think we'd like to keep
a low profile, Candy.

Guys, whatcha doing later?

You know, I never would have
believed that this could happen.

What, that you'd be cruising the
boulevard with shaved Martians?

No. That Ted would
do this to me.

Men, boy. Give 'em enough rope
and they'll dig their own grave.

- So true.
- He said he wanted one last fling.

Maybe that's normal,
I don't know.

I'm sure we'll be happy
once we're married,

but I just can't pretend like
this didn't happen, you know?

Valerie, you work so hard to make
Ted happy. Who is making you happy?

- ALL: Whoo!
- Finland babes!

Hey, didn't you go
to Van Nuys High?

Van Nuys High?

- Aren't you Terry Harper's brother?
- Terry Harper's brother?

Someone oughta
hose those girls down.

- Wanna party?
- Wanna party?

Yeah, come on!

Wiploc!

Wiploc!

CANDY:
Look! There they are!

Okay, don't worry.
I'll go get him.

- Me, too.
- Me, too, too.

Wait, I don't think
we all should go…

Oh, it's only
gonna take a minute.

Come on, you guys,
what are you doing?

♪ When I need something ♪
♪ to help me unwind ♪

♪ I find a six-foot baby ♪
♪ with a one-track mind ♪

♪ Smart guys are nowhere, ♪
♪ they make demands ♪

♪ Give me a moron ♪
♪ with talented hands… ♪

Where did you buy those?

- They're my dad's.
- Those are fabulous.

I know.

♪ …fall in love ♪
♪ till we're done ♪

♪ Then they're ♪
♪ out in the hall ♪

♪ I like 'em big ♪

♪ And stupid ♪

♪ I like 'em big ♪

♪ And real dumb ♪

♪ I like 'em big ♪

♪ And stupid ♪

♪ What kind of guy ♪
♪ does a lot for me? ♪

♪ Superman ♪
♪ with a lobotomy ♪

♪ My father's ♪
♪ out of Harvard ♪

♪ My brother's out of Yale ♪

♪ But the guy ♪
♪ I took home last night ♪

♪ Just got out of jail… ♪

Valerie! Hi!
Over here!

- Candy!
- Hi!

Are you nuts?
What are you doing?

Having cocktails.

Alaskan polar bear heater.

Candy, give me a break.
Ted is coming home tonight

and there's a UFO
in my pool. A UFO!

B.F.D. Ted's not gonna
be there for a few hours.

- Just chill out, Val.
- We have to get these guys out of here

before anyone figures out
they're aliens.

No one's going to know
they're aliens, okay?

Tonya!

Hi. You know Val.

- And this is Mac, Wiploc, and Zeebo.
- Hi.

They're from Mars or something!
Could you die?

Hey, Zeebo, wanna dance?

- Wanna dance?
- Great idea.

Wiploc.

- Should I dance?
- Sure.

Fine.
Hey, party down.

When you're ready for your
chauffeur, I'll be out on the patio.

What's her problem?

Two weeks?

Whoa!

♪ …'Cause ♪
♪ it was so stupid ♪

♪ The bigger they come, ♪
♪ the harder I fall ♪

♪ In love till we're done ♪

♪ Then they're ♪
♪ out in the hall… ♪

Come on. Let's dance.
Whoo!

♪ I like 'em big ♪

♪ And real dumb ♪

♪ I like 'em big and… ♪

He left?

♪ She likes 'em big ♪

♪ And stupid. ♪

You, go rest your thumbs.
I'll drive.

You can actually play that?

Valerie, are we limp
and hard to manage?

Oh, no, no.
You're fine.

I'm sorry.

I just don't feel
like talking much.

I guess, I figured that everything
would just fall into place

- if I found Mr. Right.
- Mr. Right?

Yeah.

Mr. Right is like the guy
you dream of meeting

ever since you're a little girl.

And you'd go anyplace
or do anything to be together.

And he feels
the same way about you

because you're right
for each other.

I don't know.
Maybe I'm kidding myself.

Maybe there's no such thing.

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake all night ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake it right ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake so fast ♪

♪ Out on the floor ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake all night ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake it right ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake so fast ♪

♪ - Hey, baby. ♪
♪ - Hi. ♪

Why be with a zero when you
can dance with a hero?

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ You got to tell me ♪

♪ Where it takes us ♪
♪ you don't care ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Baby, just fix up ♪
♪ your hair ♪

♪ It doesn't matter ♪
♪ what you wear to me ♪

♪ Get yourself back ♪
♪ in your car ♪

♪ You won't have to ♪
♪ go too far ♪

♪ To see, oh, baby ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake all night ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake it right ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake so fast ♪

♪ Out on the floor ♪

♪ Come on, now, hurry ♪

♪ There's always something ♪
♪ we can do ♪

Yo, baby. Why be with a hero
when you can dance with a zero?

♪ Don't have to worry ♪

♪ As long as I'm out there ♪
♪ with you ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Baby, just fix up ♪
♪ your hair ♪

♪ It doesn't matter ♪
♪ what you wear to me ♪

♪ Get yourself back ♪
♪ in your car ♪

♪ You won't have to ♪
♪ go too far… ♪

- Whoa.
- Hey, hey, hey!

Back off, Jack!

The lucky lady's
with me, all right?

And don't be copping
my dance moves.

I'll dance with you both.
I don't care.

No, no, no.
You don't understand.

He can't dance.

All right. I know
he can't do this.

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake all night ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake it right ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake so fast ♪

♪ Out on the floor ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake all night ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake it right ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake so fast ♪

- ♪ Out on the floor ♪
- Yeah, go!

♪ Shake all night ♪

♪ Don't you ♪
♪ want to shake it? ♪

♪ Come on, shake it, baby ♪

♪ Shake it, baby ♪

♪ Shake it, baby, ♪
♪ shake it ♪

♪ Dance all night ♪

♪ Out on the floor ♪

Come on, man.

Hot damn!
Hot damn!

♪ There's nothing ♪
♪ I'd rather do ♪

♪ Right here ♪
♪ while you're mine ♪

♪ Being here with you ♪

♪ Leaving it ♪
♪ all behind, baby ♪

All right!
Hey! Whoo!

♪ Baby, just fix up ♪
♪ your hair ♪

♪ It doesn't matter ♪
♪ what you wear to me ♪

♪ Get yourself back ♪
♪ in your car ♪

♪ You won't have to ♪
♪ go too far ♪

♪ To see, oh, baby ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake all night ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake it right ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake so fast ♪

♪ Out on the floor ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake all night ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake it right ♪

♪ Baby gonna ♪
♪ shake so fast ♪

♪ Out on the floor ♪

♪ Shake all night ♪

- Damn!
- ♪ Baby. ♪

I'm going home with him.

I'm going home with him.

I'm going home with him.

Bitch.

You know, I don't even know
what planet you're from.

Jhazalla.

Oh. We've only been
as far as the moon.

You know, at first,

I thought you kind of looked

like a giant bigfoot
or something,

but now, I mean, if I didn't
know you were an alien,

I would just think that you were

a really cute guy…

who, I'm sure, has a girlfriend.

No Mr. Right girlfriend.

My God, that's Wiploc.

♪ Hit me ♪

MAN:
All right! All right!

- Give me your autograph.
- On my forehead.

Sign these.

Candy, I can't believe you're frenching
an alien in front of all these people.

We go, okay? Come on. Wiploc.

No, I want to be zero.
I want to be zero.

- No, no, no.

Candy, uh, I'll call ya.

- Oh, what was it like?
- Oh, my God! You're so lucky!

Did you get his number?

I want his baby.

Sweetheart?

Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

Val?

Honey?

Hey, Val?

What?
Oh, wait a second.

They said the Commodore
would stand up to anything.

-
- Ow!

Beemer?
Beemer?

Beemer.

Astin, where's Martin?

Where's Martin? Where's Val?
Alright, don't… don't panic.

She probably wasn't here
when it happened.

Operator, give me the police.
This is an emergency.

Police?
This is Dr. Gallagher.

I'd like to report a break-in

and… and a possible kidnapping.

Oh, God.
Ted's here.

You guys, act human, okay?

Just act human.

Oh, sweetheart,
you're all right.

Oh, I was so worried about you.

When I came home, the house
was totally wrecked.

- Who are they?
- Who? Those guys?

- Yeah.
- A band.

- Boy, I'm totally clear.

- ZEEBO: What's up, Doc?
- You mean like a rock 'n' roll band?

What are you doing
with a band, Val?

I won them on MTV.

I won an MTV weekend
with a band.

Hi. I am, uh, Mac.

How is it hanging,
Mr. Dude?

- Dr. Dude.
- Dr. Dude.

Oh, no, Val.
Wait a minute.

Listen, I came home
to talk to you alone.

I'm sorry, fellas.
This is private.

- I'm sure you won't mind when I ask you to leave.
- Oh, leave? No, no.

They can't leave. They're
spending the weekend.

No, no, Val. They can't
spend the weekend.

- This is my house. I say they're out of here.
- Your house? Wait, wait, wait.

I think I threw
you out, Dr. Love.

Oh, yeah? Well, now I'm
gonna throw them out.

- So what about that?
- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am. They're out of…
- No…

- I won them. I get to…
- What?

- You're tearing me apart!
- Val, these guys are too weird.

- You have no business being with people like that.
- Listen, I never won a band

before and I get them for the whole
weekend, so they're staying.

I want you to be happy.
That's fine, but…

- Dr. Dude?
- What is it now?

- For you is good.
- You animal!

I oughta give you a tracheotomy.

- Do you know who that was? That was Mercedes.
- No, Ted, don't!

My most expensive fish! Do you
know how much Mercedes cost me?!

- He cost me 300 bucks!
- Hey, what's going on here?

All right, all right.
Break it up.

- Hey, hey! Come on!
- Break it up.

- What are you doing?
- Who's Dr. Gallagher?

- I'm Dr. Gallagher.
- Uh-huh. I'm Officer Demonte.

This is Officer Murphy.

You reported a break-in
and possible kidnapping?

Yes, I did, officer, but, thank
God, she's here now and she's fine.

However, these degenerates
broke into my home

and destroyed my property and I
want them arrested right now.

- They're MTV scum!
- All right.

Ma'am, you mind telling us
what's really going on here?

Officer, sir, this man
does not live here anymore,

and he's strangling my guests.

- He was eating my Blue-Gilled Dorky.
- Hey, watch your mouth!

10-13. We got
a false report.

Just a domestic dispute.

His girlfriend dumped
him for a rock band.

- That's bullshit!
- Hey, buddy.

Maybe you need to go
someplace and cool off, huh?

Let go of me!
I'm a doctor!

Good, if we have to bust your arm,
you can put on your own cast.

You're right, Val. There is a
lot I don't know about you,

but if you thought I was gonna
spend the rest of my life with you

and your weird friends and that
psychotic cat of yours, you're crazy!

- The wedding's off, Val!
- Come on, buddy.

ZEEBO: You wanna
dance with a zero?

I'm sorry.

I think I have to
go to my room now.

Is Ted coming back?

No. Ted doesn't
wanna come back.

I don't know what Ted wants,

but it's not me.

What does Valerie want?

I don't know.
I just wanna be happy.

Mac could make Valerie happy.

Thanks, but I don't think anybody could
make me feel very good right now.

Mac could make Valerie feel
very, very good.

Wait a minute. Are you,
like, coming on to me?

Is this a pass? Because,
I mean, if it is,

sex is, like, totally
out of the question.

What is sex?

Sex…
you know, making love.

A man and a woman
like each other,

and they take
their clothes off, and…

- Okay.
- Well, no, no, no!

We can't. No, because,
I mean, me and Ted are, uh…

well, I guess we're not,
but, I mean, uh…

we can't because, I mean,
you're an alien,

and I'm from the valley.

We may not even be, you know,
anatomically correct for each other.

That could be a real problem.

No problem. But, I
mean, uh, no, no, no.

I mean, it just wouldn't work.

You're from out of town. The phone
bills would just be hell…

Shh.

Well, I just don't
want you to think

- Earth girls are easy.
- What is easy?

This is easy.

- Oh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah!

- I told you not to have fun.
- I wasn't.

Help!

Ted!

Help!

Uh-oh.
Uh, don't go anywhere.

I've been paged.

- Oh, sweetheart.
- Ted.

- Ted, make it stop.
- Oh, hey.

Ted.

What happened to my fish?

Ted!

Beemer!

Your face!
What happened?

Don't!

Stop it, stop it!

Hi.

Hi.

God, I had the weirdest
dream last night.

- All I remember is…
- Shh.

You have
the strangest heartbeat.

Sounds like you have two hearts.

Yes.
Don't you?

No, I just have one.

Tell me about Zimbabwe.

- Jhazalla?
- Jhazalla. Is it like Earth?

Yes. It's beautiful.

Sounds neat.

- Is driving a UFO a good job?
- Oh, yes.

- Do you own your own home or do you rent?

No water.
Come look.

Hi, guys.

Hope instant decaf is okay.

Breakfast is on the way.

I'm making pancakes
from scratch.

Yeah. Valerie, uh…

we can go home now.

Oh.

Gee… that's great.

Wow. I didn't think
it would be so soon.

Yeah.

That's, uh, that's really good.

Yeah. Uh, Valerie…

-
- Well, I better go get that.

WOODY:
Pool man!

Hey, dudes, what's happening?

- Woody.
- Woody.

What is this?

- A spaceship?
- Spaceship?

- No way, Jose, Woody.
- No.

- What is it, then?
- A car.

Oh! That's why she
wanted me to drain it.

She drove her car into the pool.

I'm always doing that.

Pretty rad car, though.
Where is it made?

Finland.

- Finland.
- Finland.

Oh, I heard of that.

Ted, bringing that girl
here was inexcusable,

but now that I've slept on it,

I could probably forgive you,

but what about
calling off the wedding?

Sweetheart, I didn't mean that.

Marrying you is the most important
thing in the world right now.

I need you to take care of me.

And I promise, I won't so much as look
at another woman, so long as I live.

Well, unless, of course, I'm
giving her a physical examination.

Well, I hope not.

A relationship is a lot like
a porcelain nail, Ted.

You can break it and you
can glue it back together,

but it's not gonna be
as strong as it was

unless the person is really committed
and not bringing home nurses.

Whoa, you should've
seen me today, man.

Nothing but radical rips
all the way in.

You want some slushy?

Yeah, I was barely off my board
and the wahines are all over me.

Ew! Wahines!

Wahines.
You know, girls.

- Girls?
- You know girls?

Does the Woodburger know girls?

Pinocchio got a wooden butt?

I could fix you up with some
bodacious chicks just like that.

- Don't believe me?
- Like that.

Come on. Let's hit the beach.
Ride the wild bikinis!

- We go get Candy?
- Yeah.

Candy, gum, beer nuts,
anything you want.

Twizzlers. I got some Milk Duds.

You oughta lay off
coffee, though, man.

It'll kill you in a day.

I know where I'm gonna take you.

I'm gonna take you
to Zuma Beach.

I need surprises.
I need romance.

I mean, how long has it been
since you said

I love you, I need you,

I'm crazy about you?

Well, Ted?

Get in the car, will you?

Wiploc. Zeebo.

Zeebo going to Zuma Beach!

Zeebo!
Wiploc!

Hey, dudes. I just
remembered something.

What was it? Oh, yeah.
At the beach today,

- they're having a blond-of-the-month contest.
- Blond?

Yeah, you know, blonde beach bunnies.
California's finest.

♪ Because I'm blond ♪
♪ I don't have to think ♪

♪ I talk like a baby ♪
♪ and I never pay for drinks ♪

♪ Don't have to worry ♪
♪ about getting a man ♪

♪ If I keep this blond ♪
♪ and I keep these tanned ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I see people working, ♪
♪ it just makes me giggle ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't have to work, ♪
♪ I just have to jiggle ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm blond, ♪
♪ b-l-o-n-d ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ don't you wish you were me? ♪

♪ I never learned to read ♪
♪ and I never learned to cook ♪

♪ Why should I bother ♪
♪ when I look like I look? ♪

♪ I know lots of people ♪
♪ are smarter than me ♪

♪ But I have this ♪
♪ philosophy… so what? ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I see girls without dates ♪
♪ and I feel so sorry for them ♪

♪ 'Cause whenever I'm around ♪
♪ all the men ignore them ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm blond, ♪
♪ nyah, nyah, nyah ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ nyah, nyah, nyah ♪

♪ They say to make it ♪
♪ you need talent and ambition ♪

♪ Well, I got a TV show ♪
♪ and this was my audition ♪

Um, okay, what was it?
Okay, don't tell me.

Oh, yeah, okay.
"Duck, Magnum, duck!"

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I took an IQ test, ♪
♪ and I flunked it, of course ♪

♪ I can't spell "VW," ♪
♪ but I got a Porsche ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ b-l-o-n-d ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond ♪
♪ don't you wish you were me? ♪

I just want to say that being
chosen as this month's Miss August

is, like, a compliment I'll
remember for as long as I can.

Right now, I'm a freshman
in my fourth year at U.C.L.A.

But my goal is to become a
veterinarian 'cause I love children.

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause we're a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Girls think I'm snotty ♪
♪ and maybe it's true ♪

♪ With my hair and body ♪
♪ you would be, too ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ b-l… I don't know ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yes, I'm a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a blond, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

Hey, dudes.

Dudes, come on.
Snap out of it.

- We're making a pit stop.
- Pit stop?

- Bang! Bang!
- Hello, Opie.

Bryan, come on over here!

Will you get in this car
right now?

Mom, he's got my gun!

How many times have I told you
not to tell fibs like that!

Hey, leave home, kid!

Hey, dudes! Listen. Since
I'm springing for the gas,

why don't you go pick up some
brews and some sandwich stuff.

BOTH: Some brews
and some sandwich stuff.

Yeah, you know, like, bread and junk.
Okay, dudes?

- Okay, dude.

Bread and junk.

- Give us bread.
- We need junk.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot.
I just work here.

I'm an American.
There. Take it.

-
- Take it all.

- Where is Candy?
- Candy? Oh!

Right here. Take as
much as you want.

- Thank you.
- Thank you too much.

Hey, troops! Had to
drain the lizard!

Be right with you.

Hey, what do I owe you, dude?

- Get down!
- What?

Get down!

I was just held up. They're
still out there. They got guns!

Guns? My buddies are out there.

- Where are they, man?
- In that green pile of junk.

Excuse me.
Could you back up?

I need to get some unleaded.

- Back up. Back up.
- Back up. Back up.

- That's my wagon!
- Back up.

- ♪ Cosmic, cosmic
-

♪ I was having this ♪
♪ out-of-body experience ♪

♪ Of all these cosmic things ♪

♪ Everywhere, ♪
♪ I went up there ♪

♪ They were shakin' ♪
♪ their cosmic things ♪

♪ Like someone gave you ♪
♪ a wild goose ♪

♪ Or a freight train ♪
♪ with a loose caboose ♪

- ♪ You better shake your ♪
- ♪ Honey buns ♪

♪ Shake your honey buns… ♪

We are party Martians!
We are MTV scum!

- ♪ Shake it till the better melts ♪
- ♪ Shake it ♪

♪ Shake that cosmic thing ♪

♪ Shake that thing, ♪
♪ shake it ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Shake that thing ♪
♪ all night long ♪

♪ Shake it fast, ♪
♪ you can't go wrong ♪

♪ Don't let it rest ♪
♪ on the president's desk ♪

♪ Rock the house ♪

♪ Cosmic ♪

- ♪ Woo, cosmic ♪
-

♪ Cosmic, woo ♪

- Hey! That looks great!
- ♪ Cosmic, woo ♪

- ♪Shake it ♪
- ♪Cosmic. ♪

Hey, guys!

Brunch is ready.
Come and get it.

Hey, Valerie. It's Woody.
What's shaking?

- Hi, Woody.
- Listen, you know your friends…

those Finland guys?

- I was taking them to the beach…
- What? They're gone?

- They're with you?
- No. They were.

I guess they kind of robbed the
mini mart when I wasn't lookin'

and then they totaled
the gas station

and then they ripped off
my van! It was a trip.

I don't believe this!
Where are you?

I'm at the mini mart
down the street.

- Toys 'R' Us.
- That's it?

- You seen Zeebo and Wiploc?
- I got water in this one, man. I can't hear ya.

I think that might be
one of them now.

- Are you sure?
- Not really.

Good enough for me.

So look…

What's going on?
Woody!

What's happening?

- I gotta go now, Valerie. I'm gettin' my butt kicked.
- Woody!

- ♪ Well, if you plan to motor West ♪

♪ Travel my way ♪

♪ Take a highway, ♪
♪ that's the best ♪

♪ And get your kicks ♪

♪ On Route 66 ♪

♪ Well, it winds ♪
♪ from Chicago to L.A. ♪

- ♪ More than 2,000 miles ♪
-

- ♪ All the way ♪
-

♪ Get your kicks ♪

♪ On Route 66 ♪

Wiploc!

♪ Well, it goes to St. Louis ♪

- ♪ Down to Missouri ♪
-

- ♪ Oklahoma City, it's oh, so pretty ♪

♪ You'll see ♪

♪ Amarillo ♪

♪ Gallup, New Mexico ♪

♪ Flagstaff, Arizona, ♪
♪ don't forget Winona ♪

♪ Kingman, Barstow, ♪
♪ San Bernadino ♪

- ♪ Won't you get hip to this timely tip? ♪

♪ And you'll take ♪
♪ that California trip ♪

♪ Get your kicks ♪
♪ on Route 66. ♪

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say
can and will be used…

Hey.

Jail isn't so bad.

It's where I learned
how to surf.

He's dead meat.
You hang 10 now.

Come on, you guys.
You've gotta believe me.

- This is all a misunderstanding.
- Sorry, lady.

- Well, arrest me, too, then.
- Yeah, arrest her.

- She's a nice lady.
- Stay out of this, flipper.

OFFICER: We can't. You
didn't do anything.

- Hey, lady! Don't do that!
- Yeah, go for it!

MAN: This Paramedic unit 104. We
picked up two victims at Donut Land.

They fit the description of the
suspects in the mini mart robbery.

We're taking them to Our
Lady of the Valley Hospital.

10-13. Copy.

That's Ted's hospital.

We have to get there before
anybody finds out who they are.

Joe, take us
to hospital, please.

Hey, clown, you're
going to the slammer.

We go to slammer first.

Listen, give them that love touch
and then they'll come on to me.

They'll be putty in my hands.

You want sex with Joe and Mike?

No, no. Just so we can
get away. Do it, do it.

You'll see.

Hey!

How about those Lakers, huh?

What about those
incredible eyes of yours?

What?

They're just this far
from Liz Taylor violet.

Oh, Michael!

Joseph.

Two new patients in emergency…

Dr. Love.

♪ It's the summer ♪
♪ of love, love, love ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪
♪ with the love, love, love ♪

♪ Everyone transcends here ♪

♪ I'm thinking of you ♪

♪ Boy… ♪

Well, bye, you guys.
Thanks for the lift.

- I hope things work out.
- BOTH: Bye.

- Happy house hunting.
- Ciao.

Thank you very much.

- Oh, they're such a nice couple.
- I know.

- Oh, they really are.
- Let's go shake somebody down.

BOTH: Bye.

Totally cool time.

Ridin' cool rips all the way in.

Great, you two.

- Hi, Dr. Dude.
- All right, boys.

- The party's over. Settle down.
- Take us to Valerie's house, please.

We'd like to go
to Valerie's house.

You're not setting foot in my house again.
Just lie down.

Excuse me. We're looking for two
patients who were just admitted.

That's kind of a nasty bump.

- Does this hurt when I do this?

Good.

Let's just have a
listen here, shall we?

Surf's up.
Surf's up.

Leave it alone.

- Breathe.
-

Again.

Wait a second.
Breathe.

- Breathe, breathe.
- Shh.

It's incredible.

It's amazing.

You each have two heartbeats.

Wiploc and Zeebo?

What are their last names?

They don't have last names.

They're performers,
you know, like Cher.

Oh!

Yes. They're in
the emergency room

being examined
by Dr. Gallagher.

Oh!
He'll dissect them.

You can't go in there.
Medical personnel only.

We've got to get in there.

I have an idea,

but it means doing something
terrible to an innocent person.

Let's do it.

- Which floor?
- Two, please.

I think I'm gonna enjoy this.

Feel this?
It's a gun.

- What are you doing?
- Shut up and start walking.

Come on.
Come in here.

- Help. She's got a gun.
- Take off your uniform.

- What?
- Take it off! Quick!

- I know you. You're Ted's girlfriend.
- Strip.

Oh, look. I don't want
any part of you or Ted

- or your kinky sex trips.
- I said strip!

She said strip.

- The call button. Push the call button.
- Nuh-uh.

You'll go to prison for this.

- Excuse me.
- For molesting me, for having a gun…

Well, I don't have a real gun.

- Your heart…
- Excuse me, Doctor.

This doctor's here to
pick up these patients.

Oh, no, no, no, no. These
guys aren't going anywhere.

I'm admitting them both for
observation under my care.

- They seem okay to me, Doctor.
- Nurse, why don't you listen

to their hearts, and
tell me what you hear.

♪ Cover of ♪
♪ "Time" Magazine ♪

♪ Man of the year ♪

♪ Yes, I'll be rich and famous, ♪
♪ money, money, money, money. ♪

- I'll be on "The Today Show."
- Shh, Zeebo, it's me.

- Invitation to the White House.
- He sounds perfectly normal to me, Doctor.

Oh, no, no.
That's impossible.

They each have two
distinct heartbeats.

Try me, Doctor.

Yes.
Yes, I could try you.

Oh, my God!
You, too.

It's my beeper!

No, no, no. My beeper's
never done this before.

- - Could
you get the phone, Doctor?

What phone, doctor?

Hello?

Doctor, I'm afraid
you must be hearing things.

-

Is there something
wrong, Doctor?

Oh, hello, Doctor. Should I
call you a doctor, Doctor?

No! Please,
just make it stop!

- I can't stand it.
-

You guys, you came this close
to being a science project.

Come on.

Ted's car!
Follow me.

Quick!
Get in quick!

Oh! Oh, God!
Here comes Ted!

Hide!
Get down and hide.

Valerie? Sweetheart,
I'm so glad to see you.

Can we go home? These last
two days have been hell.

It's effecting my work. Sweetheart, I
actually think I've been hearing things.

- No.
- Oh, Val, could you drive?

- Please, Valerie.
- Okay, Ted. Here.

- Get in, honey.
- I'm so exhausted.

TED: You know, I thought a
lot about what you said

and I've decided
to do something impulsive.

Let's go to Vegas tonight
and get married.

Tonight?

Well, wait a minute. What about the
church and my dress and everything?

We can do the big church wedding later.
Just like you planned.

Well… what do you say?

Well, I don't know.
I'm just so surprised.

Come on.
You wanted surprises.

Ted.

You gotta bring that
one-piece night thing,

that, uh, corset that
looks like underwear.

What is it now?
Something old…

oh!
These pantyhose are old.

Something new.

This veil is new.

Dr. Tushman, please.

Barbara, Ted here.

Listen, uh,
I need a really big favor.

I want you to cover my shift
at the hospital tomorrow.

I'm going to Vegas.

Well, I'm gonna…
lose a little money,

take in a show,
and… get married.

Barbara.
Barbara…

Look, just because
I'm getting married

doesn't mean we can't date,
all right?

What?

ZEEBO:
Valerie.

- Good-bye.
- Bye.

Nice planet you have here.
Give Tonya my number.

Take care, Zeebo.

Aw, Wiploc.

I think I'll miss you
least of all.

You got lip lock for Wiploc?

MAC:
Valerie…

I don't know the words.

Oh, Mac.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

I'll miss you, too.

Sweetheart, I booked the Cave
Man Suite at Cupid's Lodge.

What the hell is this?

Okay, Ted, they're not a band.

- They're from another planet.
- What?

Go back in the house.
I'll be in in a second.

Oh, my God!
They're aliens.

Aliens! All right, Val.
I Got you covered.

It's okay.
Ted. Ted.

It's okay.

You're contaminated.

- I… I have to go now.
- Ted!

- I'll call the police.
- Ted, come on.

- I gotta go.
- Stop it.

Good-bye, Valerie.

Mac!
It didn't work!

Mac! I have to
tell you something.

I love you!
Take me with you!

- To Jhazalla?
- Anyplace!

I am Mr. Right?

Yes!
Yes!

Well, uh…
good-bye, Ted.

Um, I guess
it wasn't meant to be,

but, uh, I really
want to thank you

for, um…
thanks for the, uh…

good-bye, Ted.

Mac!

Mac!

Wait, you guys! You can't
leave without Margaritas!

Valerie, what are you doing?

Good-bye, Candy.
I'll miss you.

Well, good luck, Val.
Call me.

Happy trails.

- Bambi, I never knew.

Wait!

Hey!

Give my love to Finland!

- ♪ People all over the world ♪
- ♪ Join hands ♪

♪ Start a love train, ♪
♪ love train ♪

♪ People all over the world ♪

♪ All over the world, ♪
♪ join hands ♪

♪ Start a love train ♪

♪ Love train, love train ♪

♪ First stop that we'll make ♪

♪ Will be England ♪

♪ Tell all the folks ♪
♪ in Russia ♪

♪ And China, too ♪

♪ Get on board ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ It's time to get on board ♪

♪ Time to get on board ♪

♪ Let the train ♪
♪ keep on ridin' ♪

♪ Ridin' on through ♪

♪ Ridin' on through ♪

♪ People all over the world ♪

- ♪ Join hands ♪
- ♪ Join your hands ♪

- ♪ And start a love train ♪
- ♪ And start a love train ♪

- ♪ Love train ♪
- ♪ People all over the world ♪

- ♪ Join hands ♪
- ♪ Everybody ♪

- ♪ Get on the love train ♪
- ♪ Get on the love train ♪

- ♪ Love train ♪
- ♪ All of you brothers ♪

- ♪ Over in Africa ♪
- ♪ Come on now, people ♪

♪ Tell all the folks ♪
♪ in Egypt ♪

♪ And Israel, too ♪

♪ Please don't miss ♪
♪ this train ♪

♪ At the station ♪

- ♪ 'Cause if you miss it ♪
- ♪ Miss it ♪

♪ I feel sorry, ♪
♪ sorry for you ♪

♪ People all over the world ♪

♪ Join hands ♪

♪ Start a love train, ♪
♪ love train ♪

- ♪ Start a love train ♪
- ♪ People of the world ♪

- ♪ This doesn't matter ♪
- ♪ Join hands ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ Get on the love train ♪

- ♪ Love train ♪
- ♪ Get on board ♪

♪ Well, yeah ♪

♪ People all over the world ♪

- ♪ Join hands ♪
- ♪ Join your hands ♪

- ♪ And start a love train ♪
- ♪ And start a love train ♪

- ♪ Love train ♪
- ♪ People all over the world ♪

- ♪ Join hands ♪
- ♪ Everybody ♪

- ♪ Get on the love train ♪
- ♪ Get on the love train ♪

- ♪ Love train ♪
- ♪ Hey ♪

♪ First stop that we'll make ♪

♪ Will be England ♪

♪ Tell all the folks ♪
♪ in Russia ♪

♪ And China, too ♪

♪ Get on board ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ It's time to get on board ♪

♪ It's time to get on board ♪

♪ And let this train ♪
♪ keep on ridin' ♪

- ♪ Ridin' on through ♪
- ♪ Ridin' on through ♪

♪ People all over the world ♪

- ♪ Join hands ♪
- ♪ Everybody ♪

- ♪ And start a love train ♪
- ♪ Join the love train ♪

- ♪ Love train ♪
- ♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

- ♪ Join hands ♪
- ♪ Everybody ♪

- ♪ Get on the love train ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Get on board ♪

♪ Get on board ♪

- ♪ Get on board ♪
- ♪ Get on board ♪

- ♪ Hey ♪
- ♪ Get on board ♪

♪ Well, yeah ♪

♪ New York, ♪
♪ are you in the house? ♪

♪ L.A., are you ♪
♪ in the house? ♪

♪ Motor city, ♪
♪ are you in the house? ♪

- ♪ Everybody ♪
- ♪ Miami, are you in the house? ♪

- ♪ Start a love train ♪
- ♪ All over the world join hands ♪

- ♪ Get on ♪
- ♪ Atlanta ♪

- ♪ Get on the love train ♪
- ♪ D.C. ♪

- ♪ All over the world ♪
- ♪ Join hands ♪

- ♪ Everybody ♪
- ♪ London ♪

♪ Everybody ♪
♪ get on the love train ♪

- ♪ Get on the love train ♪
- ♪ Philly ♪

- ♪ People all over the world ♪
- ♪ Join hands ♪

- ♪ And start a love train ♪
- ♪ Mars, are you in the house? ♪

- ♪ Everybody ♪
- ♪ People all over the world ♪

- ♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪
- ♪ Get on the love train ♪

- ♪ Love train ♪
- ♪ Come on, people, now ♪

♪ People all over the world ♪

♪ Join hands ♪

♪ And start a love train, ♪
♪ love train ♪

- ♪ All over the world ♪
- ♪ People all over the world ♪

- ♪ Join hands ♪ - ♪ Come on, boys
and girls, join the love train ♪

- ♪ Love train ♪
- ♪ Don't need no ticket. ♪