Dysmorphia (2014) - full transcript

- Hmm, never seen that before.

- Hey, Nick, what you got there?

- You are not going to believe

what I just found in the closet.

- Besides yourself?

- Huh, funny, funny, no, no,

I'm happily with myself.

- So what's with the big chest?

- Yeah, a big chest, full of videotapes.

- Okay, so what?

- So, so help me, help
me with this, come on.



Can you huff it and puff it over here?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay yeah.

- Thank you.

- Come on.

- Oh, you found Chuck's chest.

Your uncle Chuck.

May he rest in peace.

He used to collect these
little obscure horror movies.

Movies I don't think anybody
else even knew about.

- Uncle Chuck was a horror fan?

- Yeah, you know, I think
I remember Chuck mentioning

that you had some really
rare horror films.

- Oh yeah.

Sometimes, he would, well
instead of watching sports



for hours on end,

he would watch those movies all day long.

Sometimes, he would watch all of 'em,

rewind 'em, and then watch 'em all again.

And I never really knew where
he got those movies from.

I would ask him about it, but when I did,

he would hesitate, like he
was hiding something from me.

- Well.

Can we watch them?

- Yeah, you can watch 'em.

But I do remember him
saying there was a movie

that nobody should ever watch.

So really, respect him on this, guys.

If you find it, don't watch that movie.

- Well, okay, we'll keep
our eyes peeled for it.

Oh and Maggie.

- Yeah, sweets.

- Thanks so much for letting us stay here

for a few weeks.

Stuff at mom's is tough right now,

and neither of us can afford
our own place at the moment.

- Hm, well, you're welcome.

I am really happy to
have my niece and nephew

here with me.

I just, I haven't been nearly as lonely.

So, you know, since Chuck died.

- Well.

Let's get to watching these in the room.

- You mean the garage?

- Shut it.

Swear to God.

Swear to God.
- Uh huh, bring it.

Bring it.

- Later.

- Took you long enough.

- Could've used help.

- Hey, I gave you a round of applause.

- Yeah, that makes me
feel a whole lot better.

- I can't believe that
we're going to actually

watch something on VHS.

I mean, I haven't done
that since I was a kid.

- Well, you kinda make it
sound like it's a bad thing.

- Well, it's just so old school.

- There's beauty in VHS.

- How?

- I don't know.

The whole old grade quality of it.

Especially when you're
watching some gruesome but fun

80s horror film.

That brick-like big box nostalgia of it.

I even remember the video
stores having this like

cigarette smoke--

It was cool.

Hey, you know, and rewinding
the tapes, to some,

it was a chore.

But for me, it was like
I had a real film reel.

Winding it back up.

Hey, I'd pick VHS over
DVDs any day of the week.

Yeah, I mean, it's like
people who prefer records

to CDs or MP3s.

Hmm, hmm?

And man, when you're
watching that old VHS,

it's nostalgic bliss.

- Wow.

Get out much?

- Fuck you.

- No, but.

Do you ever go out?

- Yes, I go out once in a while.

Like, to the grocery store,
to get food, supplies.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- I see people there.

Saw Kelly Masterson there.
- For your whole big thing.

- The other day, she was nice.

- Yeah, and she probably ignored you.

- Well I was ignoring her.

So it's different.
- Of course, of course.

- But hey, you know what, no, no.

I had a girlfriend for two months.

Two whole months.

I mean, it was six weeks
solid and then like,

two weeks of fighting.
- Okay, wait, wait.

What happened?

And spill.

- God, it's just gossipy.

- Yeah yeah yeah, I'm
a girl, deal with it.

- Really, okay, fine.

No, no, it's too embarrassing.

- No no, spill.

You started it, finish it.

- Okay fine.

Well, she had this ex-boyfriend
that she was still with.

I mean, not with.

Like, she didn't really cheat on me.

But I mean, it happened.

Like, there was a time, over, you know.

But I mean, you know, he
was a DJ, and had tattoos,

and he had--

- Come on, spit it out.

- He had a Prince Albert, okay?

- Ooh.

Figures she left you.

- Yeah, I know.

I'd probably leave me, too.

I mean, I don't want one.

I just like--

I mean, I can't--
- No, you don't need one.

You don't need one.

- How am I gonna compete
with that, you know?

That's an event.
- Okay okay.

- You see that, you're like, hello.

- Okay, get off of that subject,

and let's watch these tapes.

- You're right, thank you.
- Let's watch these tapes.

Which one's that one?

- Oh yeah.

- So we killed our parents.

Mom deserves that right now.

- Hey.
- She deserves it.

- Alright, I kind of agree.

- Where are those fucking kids?

What was that?

Maybe I'll stick my dick in mouth.

Maybe that'll shut you up, huh?

Damn bitch, get my belt.

- Fuck you.

Why don't you wear one, asshole?

- Ooh, I'm gonna have some fun tonight.

Hey, don't change the song.

Did you hear me, bitch?

- That was trippy.

- You could say that again.

Yeah, story of our lives, huh?

Brother and sister taking on the world.

I meant, you know, just the mom part.

'Cause she's such a bitch.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Not the whole other stuff.

I'm just gonna sit a
little farther away now.

- Yeah.
- Sorry about that.

- How about we just go to the next one?

- But let's, let's--

I like this one.

- Okay, we'll stay with this one,

even though you've made it awkward.

- Fine, go to the next one.

Round two, let's do this.

Okay.

- I dare you?

- I dare you.

Or you dare I?

Or I dare you?

- I double dog dare you.

- I triple dog dare you.

- To do what?

- I don't know, make something up.

- Let's watch a movie.

- Alright.

I Dare You.

- Well, hey guys.

Shawn and Brendan here.

And this is the opening
to our dares video.

We got a number of dare videos,

and I cut them all to clips together.

Now here are the dares,

and after you see the clips,

we're gonna let you know
which one we decided.

Well we kind of have it already in order,

but you know, you'll see it.

And you may even see some people in this,

they send in dares?

Well I guess they did.

So check out the video
right now, here it comes.

And we'll be back to tell
you which dare we picked.

- Oh god.

- Alright, my name is Dante.

I'm a comic from Last Comic Standing.

And I dare you guys,

alright, here it is, are you ready?

I want the two guys of bigger girth to--

One of them to put
butter under their boob.

Like a stick of butter under a boob.

And I want the other guy to have to

grab the butter with his mouth,

and then I want the two guys to like

pass it to the other one in his mouth.

And I want this all to happen
in a Mexican restaurant.

I dare you.

- Hi, my name is Rebecca Cochin.

I'm an actress and a stand-up comic.

And I dare you to go to a movie theater,

go see a movie of your choice,

sit down, and in the middle of the movie,

stand up, turn to everyone
watching the movie and be like,

can you believe how much
this movie fucking sucks?

That's what I would like to see you do.

- Hey hey hey hey hey.

What is going on here?

I'm Dennis Haskins.

Mr. Belding from Saved By The Bell.

And I dare you to do my laugh.

And, practice one random act of kindness.

See ya.

- What's up you two fat fucks?

I hear you guys are holding
in dares from your fans.

Well, I'm not a fan.

But I dare you two fat fucks

to lock yourselves in a
bathroom for one week,

and fucking have two
little plates of food,

and see if you can survive off of that.

I fucking dare you.

- Well, we're back now,

and we got some pretty
interesting dares, didn't we?

- Dude, how did you--

I didn't know he watched
our videos, Mr. Belding.

- I don't know any of those
people watch the videos.

- Whoa geeze.
- People think we filmed 'em

or something.

But, you know, well, we decided.

The dares were interesting,

but the most interesting video,

what would you say is gonna be

the most interesting video to do?

- I liked what Dante had
to say about the butter

and the titties.

- Well, no, but that's not
gonna make a good video.

We want it to be a good--
- why, I like butter.

I like your titties.

- Let's try the video,

no, let's try the one,
let's do the dare where

we lock ourselves in the bathroom okay?

I'm sure we can get through--
- Why?

We have to do what the hater says?

- But it's the most interesting one.

- Oh I suppose we're gonna show

the haters who's boss, right?

- Yeah, we're gonna show him who's boss.

We're gonna show him how
we can live through it,

and maybe we'll lose some weight.

You know what I mean?

- I'm not trying to lose any weight.

- Well, maybe we'll lose a little bit.

Man, you know, we are a little bit obese.

- Just a little bit enough
so we can see our peenies?

- Yeah, oh, Brendan.

Let's just get through this, okay?

Come on now.
- Okay.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

- So Brendan,
what are we doing now?

We're trying to get all the supplies?

- Yeah.

- Trying to figure
out what we need for this.

- Are we eating with plates?

- Probably need some plates.

I don't know if we really
need plates or not.

- We don't cook, we don't
need anything like this.

- We need a bunch of food, though.

We gotta get some cheap ass food.

- I want some candy.

- We'll find something.

- Are we gonna get any chips, dude?

Do we need any chips?

- I don't really think
fat guys like us should.

You know, aren't chips too good for us?

What about like these pretzels?

- Pretzels, dude.

Pretzels are good, but
they're kinda salty.

They're gonna kinda dry up our mouth.

What do we do, drink the toilet water?

I think we can do this.

I really think we can tough this out,

and nothing bad's ever gonna happen.

- Okay then.

- You know what I mean?

Yeah, Shawn's in there right now,

and he's paying for the food.

- Yeah, got everything.

So we got everything in here.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, so we're gonna go
set up the plates, go home.

Set these things up.

See how everything goes.

I mean--
- We got this, man.

- We got the stuff.
- Yeah.

- We're gonna tell
Dweebo he's gonna lock us

in the fucking bathroom.

Now Dweebo.

Basically if you don't
know what's going on is,

we're accepting a dare here.

And you have to lock us in
this bathroom for one week.

And do not let us out
any time, no matter what,

during that week.

- Okay, well easy enough.

What about food and everything?

- We got it all figured out.

We have it all planned.

We got two plates of
food, and we got water.

So no matter what, don't let us out.

- Okay, what if I hear a bunch of hooting

and hollering and screams?

Just let it go?
- Doesn't matter.

Let it go.
- Okay.

- Now luck us in.
- I'll see you guys.

- Dweebo, Dweebo.

- Well, Brendan, it's finally time.

We're here in the bathroom.

The dare is beginning.

Yeah, now check the door.

We gotta assure that this thing is locked

and we're not getting out.

Yeah, Dweebo locked us in.

And we're not getting out of here,

and Dweebo's the only one in the house.

And we told him he's not to let us out.

- You know, I think we're gonna be okay.

I think we can do this.

- And we got food.

Let's show our plates of food.

What we've got here,

we've got some crackers,
some tortilla chips.

- Tortilla chips.

- And a little
teeny piece of meat.

- That's random.

- You know, that's just in case we need

a little bit of extra protein.

But you know, I think this
is gonna go okay, don't you?

- Yeah, we've got this, dude.

- We'll go fine.

I'm a little concerned
about the sleeping situation

'cause we stupidly did not bring anything.

All we got is these.

We didn't bring blankets in here.

We aren't exactly as prepared
as we should've been.

But at least you know
you can go in this room,

and you can have your space.

- Yeah, like is this
gonna be my sleeping area?

- Yeah, that's where
you're gonna sleep in there.

- So you get the bigger one, huh?

- Yeah.
- You get the bigger room?

I don't wanna do this.

I'm the one with the big legs and stuff.

- Man, this is not good, Brendan.

- I'm sleeping in a doorway, dude.

You're the one that got this,

you got to spread out and stuff.

And I'm sitting in this, oh god.

- How are we supposed
to deal with this for a week?

Brendan, we're not gonna be able to walk.

- Dude, we can barely walk
anyway, we're so fucking fat.

- Well, show me on here.

- Let's give it.
- Give me at least from

a good angle so I don't look like

a big huge fucking blob.

- Oh well, it's
gonna be kinda hard, sir.

- Come on Brendan,
let's get something to eat now.

- Hey.

- Brendan.

- Dude, don't--

- Shut the door.

- I have a stomach spasm.

- Ew, Brendan.

This is ridiculous, guys.

I'm in here dealing with someone

jerking off in the bathroom.

I don't know how I'm
supposed to deal with this.

Brendan, this is disgusting, Brendan.

Now, how am I supposed
to deal with this crap?

Being here with you, jerking off.

I don't like this at all.

- What's wrong with it?

- It's disgusting.
- It's human.

- Yeah, but I don't
wanna be in here with this.

- It's human, it's semen.

- Let's just eat
the god damn food now.

Put it down.

- Down, where?

The water's not even running.

I can't even flush it.

What the hell?

- Where is the god damn meat, Brendan?

- I don't know, I was too busy fapping.

- You ate the
god damn meat, Brendan.

- No I didn't.

- Why did you
eat the god damn meat?

- I didn't eat the meat.

I was beating my meat.

- It's fine if you're
gonna eat your fucking meat,

but you don't eat my meat, Brendan, okay?

- I promise you, I didn't eat your meat.

- You ate the god--

- You were alone with the food out there.

I was right here.

- Who else is in
here with us, Brendan?

It's us.

It's two fat fucks.

And there's no one else in here, Brendan.

- Maybe you're imagining things,

when you were like hallucinating,

'cause you're so fat, and
you're just out there going--

- You know, go
fuck yourself, Brendan.

Go fuck yourself.
- Go fuck yourself.

- Go fuck yourself.

- You know what?

You know what, dude?

- What?

- I'm just gonna take my plate, okay?

I'm gonna bring my own stuff,

and keep it in my own room.

- Yeah, okay, then you know what?

Eat your own god damn food.

And leave my food alone.

- I will.

- If you wanna go and pound it down,

and we have to last in here a week.

And if you want to fuck it up,

and you wanna kill yourself in here,

that's fine.

- No, I just
like how you give me

this little shitty space right here.

I can barely move around and stuff.

And you get that room,

and you're bitching at me 'cause

you think I ate your meat.

- Brendan, this is my fucking house, okay?

So you sleep wherever
the fuck I put you, okay?

- But I'm your guest.

- Yeah go fuck yourself, okay?

Take your own god damn food,

and don't take any of my food.

You leave this alone.

This is all I've got for a fucking week.

- Alright fuck you.

- I'm an obese fuck.
- Fuck you.

- And you want me to last
in here a week, okay?

- Uh huh.

- So shut the god
damn door and leave me alone.

- Fuck you and your rosacea.

You know what, man?

- What?

- I'm sorry, man.

We have to get along through this thing,

'cause we have to tough
this shit out, you know?

- Like I said, Brendan,

I have no problem with you.

You just eat your own fucking food.

- I am.
- Leave mine alone.

- I am.

- Yeah, well eat it.

And if you don't, it's not my problem,

if you starve to death in here.

You know, you were the one that wanted

to get famous on the internet.

You were the one that thought

we would finally get chicks
doing this crap, okay?

- I thought we would get chicks.

It was you, all about the poon tang.

You know me, I just wanted
your rusty little sword.

- Oh you wanna put me through this crap,

and give me this crap
and make dumb ass jokes,

when I'm in here starving, okay?

I have to deal with that
little bit of fucking food,

and you eat my helpings of it.

So just leave me alone Brendan, okay?

- I didn't eat your helpings.

- Go away, leave me alone.

Go in your little room and leave me alone.

- I think he's sleeping.

I'm gonna go get some of his fucking food.

- You guys take a fucking look?

Brendan came in here and
took some of my god damn

peanut butter.

Brendan.

You ate my god damn peanut butter, okay?

Why are you eating my god damn food?

I can't help if you ate
all your fucking food.

You're the one who's gonna come
in here and starve to death,

and it's your own fault.

- I didn't eat your food.

Why do you keep blaming me with this shit?

First the meat, now this?

- And if you starve to death,

that's your own problem.

And I'm not gonna go to
jail for accessory murder

if you die in here,

because this was your idea to do this.

- Can you show me what I ate?

Can you show me what I ate, please?

- You came out here,

and I didn't eat any
of this peanut butter.

I was saving this.

I'm being smart here.

- It looked like you dipped

your finger in that bitch.

- You went in
there and scooped in there

and ate my fucking peanut
butter, and you know it.

- I scooped in there with what?

- With one of the
fucking crackers, Brendan.

- What, were you counting
'em and shit, you fat fuck?

- Brendan, listen, okay?

- Oh what, are you gonna choke me?

- For the rest of
this fucking experiment,

I want you to stay in this room,

and leave me the fuck along, okay?

- But how am I gonna do it with this?

- That's your own fault, Brendan.

You know, I don't even
know how many fucking

days we have left in here,

and this is your own problem.

This is not my fucking problem, okay?

- Okay.

- This is now you're problem.

- You know what your problem is?

- What?

- If you have to dook, you can't.

Oh man.

I'm so hungry right now.

There's not even water, you know?

There's not even--

The water's not even running.

He's over there sleeping, I think,

and I'm so hungry, I can eat a tissue.

But I can't.

My mouth is too dry.

But I'm gonna go see if
he has any food out there.

Damn it.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

There's peanut butter.

Oh yeah, fuck yeah.

- Red fucking handed.

- What?

- I caught you red
fucking handed, Brendan.

Eating my fucking peanut butter.

- It's my peanut butter.

- It's not your peanut butter.

You ate your fucking peanut butter,

you fat giant lard ass.
- No I didn't eat

my peanut butter.

This is my peanut butter.

- It's not your peanut butter.

Stop doing the stupid fucking jokes.

- I'm not doing the god damn jokes.

- You eat your fucking food,

you dumb piece of shit.

- I'm not doing this--

- This was your
god damn stupid idea.

- Don't you
talk to me like that.

- I'll talk to you whatever way

I fucking want, Brendan.

- No you don't
talk to me like that.

- Stop it, man, stop.

- What the hell is going on?

Something's not sitting
with me right about this.

Need to check this out.

What the hell?

Holy shit.

- I dare you not to know a
better short film out there

that has the most attractive
cast I've ever seen in years.

- I could not stop laughing.
- I mean that one guy,

that one guy will be in my dreams tonight.

As a person, I'm like, as my wing man,

for when I go--
- Sure, yeah.

- When I go to the club, get my groove on.

I already said I had a girlfriend.

I had so many girlfriends.

But that one recently was cool.

Except for the whole, fucking other guys.

- Okay, let's focus on the non-wing men,

and the non-girlfriend thing.

- Okay.

- It was funny.

It was silly.

And I really couldn't
stop laughing at him.

I want to watch it again, but later.

Next one?

- Yeah.
- Listen, don't cry.

- I'm sorry, I just
can't, sometimes I just--

- I know, I know.

- I just want it to be alright sometimes.

- I know, I know.

- It doesn't get any better.

I just feel sometimes that I just--

See?

See what I can do?

I can rip you like that.

Because you're a woman, you feel emotions.

Me, I'm cold as ice.

Well that kinda hurt.

You know I'm sensitive.

- Yeah.

- I have that alopecia shit.

Or is that that cashmere?
- Yeah, next one.

- I don't know.
- Just go to the next one.

Third one, come on.

- Third one, let's hit it up.

- Knockers.
- Knicker, oh Knockers.

Knockers, yeah, okay.

- Are you sure
this isn't uncle Chuck's

porno collection?

- Well I think we're about to find out.

- Oh god.

- Yeah.

- Go potty, Pig.

Come on come on come on.

No.

No.

Stop stop stop stop stop
stop stop stop stop.

- Whoa.

Knockers just knocked me out.

I mean, you think--
- What the hell?

- Do you think that chihuahua's alright?

- I don't know.

- Oh hey, it's alright, girl.

Toughen up, toughen up.
- Shut the fuck up.

- Toughen.

Hey, could I ask you a question?

- Fine.

- Like, I don't know too much about girls

and all that stuff, but--
- They do not do that shit.

- So they can't give
birth the hedge clippers.

- No, no.

- Are you sure?

- 99.9% positive.

- 'Cause she looked like
she could handle that.

Maybe it's the afterbirth.

I don't know.

Well anyways, we all know that

our religious differences
in this country can get

pretty heated and stuff.
- Crazy.

- But remember that we're all people,

just trying to find an answer, happiness.

Or some shit like that,
I don't really know.

- Hopefully.
- Anyway.

A fucking chihuahua got eaten.

- And also, next time a Jehovah's Witness

comes to our freakin' door.
- Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero perro.

- You take the flyer.

- I will.

I will take that flyer and be like,

give me a chihuahua.

'Cause yo quiero perro.

Yo quiero perro.

Yo quiero perro.

Yo quiero perro, perro perro.

- Okay, put in the next god damn tape.

- Alright alright alright.

- I am so glad that wasn't a porno.

- Fatal fantasy.

It's a little sticky, too.
- It has blood on it.

- Yeah, oh, that's blood.

- I wonder whose it is.

- Well whoever it is,

I hope they don't have AIDS.

'Cause that would be a little--

- Oh god, dude.

- Yeah, I can definitely--

That person definitely doesn't have AIDS.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
- Stop it.

Stop it, that's gross.
- I'm like 80% sure

that person doesn't have AIDS.
- This is why

your girlfriend left you.

- No, it's because
of the Prince Albert.

We've already been through this.

Don't bring up bad things, okay?

- Okay.

- I'll Fatal Fantasy you.

- Put in the movie.

- Shut up.

Shut up.

Hi honey.

Hi, happy birthday.

I love you so much.

I know you've had such a hard day at work,

and I want to make it all better for you,

so I have got some
birthday surprises for you.

And it's gonna make it all better.

- That was an amazing dinner.

I've never had anything
quite like it before.

What did you call it?

- I call it Mu Shu Surprise.

- Mm.

Mu Shu.

- I'm glad you like it.

Because I have a few more surprises

in store for you tonight.

- You do?

- Mm hmm.

- You are the best wife ever.

- Oh.

- I love you so much.

- Well I love you more.

- No, I believe I love you more.

- No, I love you more.

- No, I love you.
- No, I love you more.

- Let the record show, I love you more.

- I love you more.

You wanna know why?

- Why?

- I've fulfilled your
greatest fantasy for you.

- You did?

What did you do?

Did you book the trip to Sonoma?

Or, was it the walking
tour of Washington D.C.?

Did you buy me a sailboat?

- No.

I,

I had sex with another man.

- What?

- I had sex with another
man, just like you wanted.

- When did I ever say

I want you to have sex with another man?

- In bed the other night, remember?

- No.

- Should I refresh your memory?

Oh yeah baby, that's it, that's it.

I see you.

I'm looking at you.

You're having sex with a
big dangerous stranger,

and I'm watching, I'm
watching, I'm watching.

Yeah yeah.

Yeah.

Remember?

- Yeah, that was fantasy.

A dark twisted filthy fantasy.

We all have those from time to time.

I understand it's very normal.

It doesn't mean I wanted you to do it.

You mean to tell me the first
time I open my mouth in bed,

you decide to do it?

And then you use it as
an excuse to cheat on me.

- I wasn't cheating on you.

I was fulfilling your fantasy.

- Oh please don't cry.

I hate it when you cry.

Sweetie.

- I did it exactly as you wanted.

You said a big dangerous stranger.

So I walked the streets late one night,

and I found a 300 pound biker

with a violent criminal record,

and that wasn't easy.

- Oh honey.

Okay this is a joke, right?

'Cause you know, technically I did say,

I wanted to watch, you know.

But I don't see any men.

- I taped it.

- Oh shit.

- Yeah.

Happy birthday.

- Shit.

Don't play it.

Don't play it.

- Yes.

- Oh god, oh, oh.
- Yes, spank me.

Spank me.

Oh yes.

Use this.

- Oh god it's my bowling trophy.

Stop this.

Damn you, stop, geeze.

This is crazy and sick,

and not a good birthday present.

See, it's broken.

Die.

- You didn't even get to the part

where I say happy birthday.

- What?

This is crazy.

This is crazy.

Am I in a dream?

Why would you take everything
I say so literally, honey?

Am I on candid fucking camera?

Am I?

Good one.

Very funny, ha.

Hello?

Allen Phunt.

No, I haven't seen your
little fucking dog.

But if I do--

Don't you talk to me like
that, it's my birthday.

Fine.

Shows you, I will go fuck myself.

Yeah, well.

He hung up.

- What was that all about?

- It was the neighbor
looking for his little dog.

- You mean Mu Shu?

- Yeah, Mu Shu.

God damn, Mu Shu.

Oh, oh, oh, no.

Mu Shu.

Kick your four-legged little puppy ass.

Surprise.

Oh god.

Oh god.

You mean to tell me that you killed--

And I ate?

- Well yeah, but I mean, you said--

- I know what I said.

I know what I said.

But when I did say I wanted to chop him up

and serve him Asian style,

it was because he took a steaming shit

on our front porch, honey.

I was just venting.

Oh baby.

Sweetie.

I know.

- I was just,

trying to make you happy, you know?

- I know.

I'm hard to buy gifts for, I know.

- You are.

But, I think I know something

that'll make you feel better.

- Huh?

- Yeah, just wait right there, okay?

I'll be right back.

- What's that, dear?

- It's your boss's heart.

- My boss's heart.

On a silver--

- But you said.

- I know what I said.

God, honey.

That is the best birthday present ever.

- Wait 'til Valentine's.

- Alright, so I've seen a lot
of dogs getting eaten today.

More than one, like two.

This is getting to be a trend, you know.

Do you think they do that more?

Like I bet they just--
- I don't care about

the humans getting killed,

but why the animals?

- The animals, they did nothing.

- Really.
- They did nothing.

- That dog was annoying, but come on.

- I mean, he barks, he barks.
- He barks, it's a dog thing.

- But you know, it brings
up a very interesting point

that I think where, you know,
the elephant in the room.

Dog must taste really good.

'Cause the people are
just wolfing 'em down

like they're Burger King going
out of style or something,

you know what I'm saying?

Just like--

- I don't wanna think about it.

- I bet it tastes like
pig and chicken, combined.

- You better not do anything to my dog

when we eventually get home.

- Let me just say that man's best friend

must taste amazing.

But anyways.
- Also, that wife is

a really attached wife.

- She was, I think that's
what a wife should be.

Someone who listens.
- Not that attached.

- Listens.

No, you listen, you listen.
- Yes, but don't take

literally everything that you say as true,

as what they exactly want.

Literally.

- I want your head to be severed,

and put in the oven,

and mixed with potatoes and rosemary.

And I want to take that head,

and then use it as a soccer ball.

But first, I will crack it open,

and put ice cream in there,

and use your head to mix ice cream with.

You know those little
like soccer ball ones

to mix it so it turns.
- Mm, ice cream.

- The turners.

I'm gonna turn ice cream in your head.

See?
- Yeah, not gonna happen.

- I think it will.

You know, trends are coming up these days,

and I think the next one,

I think the next meme is
gonna be head ice cream.

Scream for ice cream.
- That actually sounds yummy.

Except for not using my head.

- Well anyways.

- I wonder whose blood that is now.

- Pretty sure it's--

- Oh, stop doing the creepy thing again.

- It's not creepy.

It's called being a detective, okay?

Oliver North used to do it all the time.

- Okay, normal detectives
don't sniff blood.

- Yes they do.
- No they don't.

- That's 20% of how they
find out who killed who.

- B.S.

- Yeah, I know.

But he was a good poet.

Oh.
- This is so why

your girlfriend left you,
not just the Prince Albert.

- Yeah, well you know what?

You're here with me.

So what happened to your boyfriend?

Couldn't take the constant nagging?

- You know he left to go to a job

on the other side of the country.

- Yeah, that job was sucking a guy's dick.

That's what that was.
- Go fuck yourself.

Next movie.

- You're called what
they call fruit flies.

I can't, I gotta.
- Let's do it.

- Let's just dig another one.

Let's get into this one.

- Sane.

- Or is that s--

Sane.
- I think it's Sane.

- The story of the boredom killer.

Or is that Bardem killer?

Like Javier Bardem, maybe it's him?

- I don't know, but
I hope it isn't boring.

- Oh.

I can trust you, it's not gonna be boring.

- Put it in.

- I like.

I like you.

I like to kill you.

To kill.

- Turn on night vision.

Is it on?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Alright, let's go.

You got the rope, right?

- Yeah, it's right here.

- Fuck you, let's go.

- Bitch.

Man, how's it going?

- Not much, man.

What are you guys making a movie?

- Yeah man, we're
just interviewing people.

You got anything to say?

- Relationship problems.

- I've had some
relationship problems before.

It'll be okay.

- Uh uh.

- It'll be fine, I promise.

- Not for me.

- It's gonna be just fine.

- Hey man, I ain't fucking queer.

- Fucking hurry up, man.

Fucking bitch, come on.

- Come on.

- Fucking asshole.

Come on.

Fucking bitch.

Get him.

Fucking kill him.

Pull, you weak mother fucker, come on.

Fucking bitch.

Fucking.

- Can't you get him any higher?

Come on, bitch.

- You fucking pull.

Give me the fucking camera.

- No.

- Fucking pussy.

- Right.

- Bitch.

- Drop him, man, drop him.

Drop him, he's fucking dead.

- Are you sure he's dead?

- He's fucking dead, man.

- He's pretty dead.

Good man.

It says, woman to kill woman,

must be woman.

To kill a man.

I'll be a woman.

I am a woman.

Look at me.

- Do you pity this pretty little face?

- So pretty.
- No.

Come on.

So pretty.

Movie star.

- What are you doing?

Alright.

Go go go, come on.

- You.

- Yeah.

Fucking bitch pushed me.

Come here, come here, wait.

Hide in this.

Ready?

Wait wait wait.

Go, go.

That's it, that's it.

Yeah that's it, that's it.

Go go.

- Get off of me.

- You're done, apparently.

Are you gonna kill her?

- Huh?

- You're gonna kill her.

- I did it, though.

- Oh my god, oh my god.

He's gonna kill me.

- That's it, that's it.

- Use a fucking knife, man.

- You want the sword?

- Get off of me.

- God damn it.

Can't fight off that.

- This one?

- And even when I'm gone.

I ain't got no more.

No more.

I'm gone.

I am gone.

I'm gone.

And I'm gone.

Bye bye.

I will see you later.

Guy, here's the money.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you.

Come on, man.

Come on, I will kill somebody.

I'm gonna kill somebody.

I'm gonna go kill somebody.

I'm gonna kill, I'm gonna kill your mama.

I'm gonna kill your baby.

- Who are you gonna kill?

- I'm gonna kill.

- Who are we gonna kill?

- Dude, I'm gonna kill somebody.

I'm gonna kill a whole bunch of people.

- Who's first, who's first?

- I'm gonna fuck 'em up.

You're gonna fuck me up?

I'm gonna fuck you.

You wanna fuck me while I'm killing you?

- Hang 'em from a pole.

- Let's hang somebody?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Let's hang that dumb mother fucker

who's always depressed, dude.

He ain't gonna care.

You need to put him out of
his fucking misery, man.

- Freaking crying
about his stupid girlfriend.

I hate that guy, I hate that guy.

I wanna fucking kill.

I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna eat him alive.

I'm gonna eat him, I'm gonna eat him.

I'm gonna eat him.

I'm gonna hang your fucking camera, too.

- Come on, man, come on.

Ahh.

Yeah, I wanna fuck my camera.

Come on baby.

Come on, come on, give me a kiss.

Give me a kiss.
- Alright let's go.

- Give me a kiss, give me a kiss.

Kiss, kiss, give me a kiss.

- I wanna get him.
- Give me a kiss.

Give me a kiss, come on.

Give me a kiss.
- I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it.
- Give me a kiss.

- I'm gonna do it.
- You wanna fuck me?

- Let's do it, let's go do it.

- We're killing a man.

Just give me one little kiss.

One little kiss.

Do it, one little kiss.

One little kiss, man.

One little kiss, come here, come here.

- Now this, this is the
movie that has it all.

Thrills, chills, everything.

Rape, you know.

I mean it looked kinda consensual.

- Why the hell does he
have that kind of movie?

- Okay, let's see what's going on here.

Fatale Error.

- Fatal Error.

- No, I believe it's French.

They missed the accent, but it's French.

- Oh come on.

- This is what I'm talking about.

You just can't, you always
have to undermine everything.

Alright, well, you know.
- Okay okay fine.

- Let's go, let's go.
- It will be Fatale Error.

- So are you done with Don's
animation project yet, Paul?

- Almost.

I have the layout of what I'm doing,

but it's gonna get tough
when I get to rigging it.

- Dude, rigging's easy.

- For you, but for me,
it's still a little tricky.

- I can help you out.

- No, I can do it myself.

- Hey guys.

You gonna get something to eat?

- Not all of us.

Paul is still working on
his animation project.

- Still working on that?

Come on, what do you got?

Looks like a Pac-Man.

- I like it, but I don't
know what else to do with it.

I know Don won't accept it like this.

- Don always gives the hardest
projects right off the bat.

- Hey, why don't you give
him like arms and legs?

Oh, and claws and fangs,
like some monster.

- Like one of those bad
Sci-Fi Channel monster movies.

- No, better yet,

make it like a vegetable or fruit monster.

- No no, a tomato monster.

- No, a grapefruit monster.

- Those all sound like good ideas,

but with my--
- Limey.

- Animating skills,
it'll take me some time.

- Oh dude, I have
something that can help you

with your project.

- Really, what is it?

- Have any of you guys taken one of those

random online quizzes?

- Mm hmm.
- Yeah.

- Well I took one on some obscure site,

and they were happy that I took it,

so they sent me a rare version of Mayan.

- How good is this version?

- Really good.

I tested it out, and I
was able to make a fully

animated character in a matter of minutes.

And since I happen to
have it on my flash drive,

and poor Paul is struggling
with his project.

- Oh thanks man.

So what's this version called?

- Mayan 66.6.

- Wait, what?

- You're kidding, right?

- That's what it's called, dude.

So are we gonna get
something to eat, or what?

- Thanks, Bill.

But I'm gonna stay here with Paul.

- Yeah, me too.

Sorry Bill.

- Ah, guys, it's alright.

I'm gonna go get some
Mexican food by myself.

Paul, try out that program.

- Yeah, I will.

- He's a good guy.

- Hey, I'm gonna go get something to drink

from the cafeteria.

Do you wanna come along, Britney?

- Yeah, sure.

Are you coming too, Paul?

- I'll catch up with you guys later.

I just wanna check this out really quick.

- Alright, be right back.

- Alright, let's open up my project.

- So, Britney.

You got like a boyfriend?

- No.

- Oh, okay.

Because I was wondering if, I don't know,

you would like to go see a movie.

- Phil, I like you.

But I always saw you as just a friend.

- Well, okay.

That's alright.

- Okay.

- Oh this is fast.

This is really fast.

I better save it.

What the hell?

Holy--
- Groot.

- You guys, you guys, we
gotta get out of here.

- Whoa, dude.

What's going on?

- The program Mayan 66 whatever, it works.

I even did what you guys suggested,

and made my project into a monster.

And as soon as I hit render,

the creature rendered in real life.

- Are you out of you--
- Kumquat.

- Mind?

- Oh my god.

- Run.

- What if runs here?

- No telling.

- But--

- Where's Phil?

- Phil's dead.

- Quick, how do they kill the monsters

in those crappy Sci-Fi movies?

- I don't know.

I can never finish one.

They're that bad.

- Oh god, Paul.

- Grapefruit juice.

I hate grapefruit juice.

- Oh my god, what do I do?

Die, you horrible tasting fruit monster.

What's wrong with you,
giving us that program?

Do you know what happened?

- I don't understand, what's going on?

- Well that program,

I guess whatever Paul saved on it

rendered itself into reality.

He turned that Pac-Man thing
into a grapefruit monster.

Guess what happened.

- You're crazy, you're crazy.

- Bill, you said you fiddled
around with that thing.

What did you make?

- I--
- what did you make?

Did you render it?

- Oh.
- Great.

- Wow, that thing was so not bad.

- It was so cute.

- I think we learned a lot there.

You know, computer programmers,

they really have it rough.

- Yeah, don't take shortcuts.

- Oh, never take shortcuts.

Except for when it comes to acting.

It's the easiest thing you can do.

But anyways, I think I
learned a lot right there.

I think it was compelling.

And that grapefruit monster.
- Friend zoning.

- You know, grapefruit.

I've had grapefruit in my eye before.

It's not a pleasant thing.

So I totally related with that guy.

I was like, I feel your pain.

And then he got his stomach ripped out.

- Didn't I pour grapefruit
juice in your eyes?

- Yes, when I was five.

You held me down, and that's a bad memory,

that I had many, many
sessions of psychotherapy

to get over that.

And you're just bringing it
in like a rush to my head.

- Hey, you brought it back up first.

- Well anyways, you know what,

the more you do this,

the more I wish that
robot chainsaw monster

comes and slices your head off.

'Cause I need some ice cream right now.

I need some ice cream.

And I wanna kick it in your head.

Anyways.
- I thought it would

taste good that way.

- Oh it would taste good.

It'd be all brain sherbet, ber-bet.

- Yeah, but then I couldn't introduce you

to some of my friends, or
acquaintances, who are girls.

- Okay.

Well, judging them, I'm sure they're all

around Ugly Betty size.

- If you wanna be that mean.

- They're like Honey Boo Boo.

It's like, you go girl.

- No way.

I don't associate myself
with those people.

- You associate people
who are, let's just say,

not the cream of the crop,

but maybe the water residue of the crop.

- Hey.

What other choices do you
really have right now?

- I got my video tapes.

Let's keep going.
- Okay.

- At least that doesn't judge me.

It looks like there's only one left.

- Aw.

- Hm.

That's a little creepy.

- What?

- Well this one doesn't
have any writing on it.

It's just some weird British symbol thing.

- Do you think this is
the tape aunt Maggie

warned us about?

- Probably.

Come on, let's watch it.

- I--

- Come on, what's the
worst that could happen?

- I don't know.

Maybe something's on there
that would scar us for life.

- Oh please.

I doubt that very much.

And even if there was something on here

that could scar us for life,

with its gruesome and disturbing content,

it's not as half as bad as the things

you see on the internet.

Alright?

Kids in the sandbox.

Two girls, one cup.

Come on, hey.

It's not even half as bad as YouTube.

Justin Bieber.

Sneezing Panda.

The cat that walks on its hind legs.

- Okay okay okay okay, alright.

Just, aunt Maggie does
not need to know, okay?

- Absolutely.

You got my word on that one.

Alright.

We are about to see

movie magic.

- Maggie.

Aunt Ma--

Aunt Maggie, what happened to you?

- Nothing, sweetie.

I'm just peachy.

It's time for you to get what
your brother got, sweetie.

- Damn it, Nick.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

- No no no, Aunt Maggie, no no.

No Maggie, no, no.

Aunt Maggie, no.