Dyke Hard (2014) Movie Script

Come on, you piece of shit!

Die!

Now everybody's dead!

Step into the portal!

I've got a job for you

in the past!

♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love

And my hope ♪

♪ And my songs and my faith

My emotions ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ My belief in myself

♪ And my self-confidence

♪ And my deeper emotions

♪ Payback!

♪ My sad, lonely efforts

And strains ♪

♪ My heartache and pain

♪ Dyke Hard!

This is the story

of three friends

at the bottom of

the school hierarchy.

Unexpectedly sharing their fate

with the toughest dyke

in school.

It all started when Peggy

got an idea.

Of course!

I know what we should do!

- Start...

- A...

Band!

A band!

Really? You're gonna start

a little baby band?

It's gonna be a cool band,

'cos I'm gonna be in it!

Everybody was afraid of Riff,

even the bullies.

Born to be a rock star,

Riff needed a backup band

that was easy to boss around.

They started raising money,

bought some crappy instruments, and finally Dyke Hard was born.

And before they knew it,

they got their first gig.

It was just at

the local youth club.

But the right people, showed up.

Texas was an agent

for a major record label.

And Dyke Hard got signed!

After that,

things happened pretty fast.

They recorded a single

and snuck it into all

the cool parties.

Soon people couldn't get enough. "Payback" was a big hit!

And almost overnight

Dyke Hard were stars!

Everybody listened to "Payback".

And wherever they went,

they were chased

by devoted fans.

♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love

And my hope ♪

♪ And my songs

And my faith, my emotions ♪

Then came the fights.

They had a hard time

coming up with new material.

Sales went down...

♪ Payback!

...and Dyke Hard

dropped from the charts.

They hit the rock bottom

of rock.

And that's the last

that was ever heard of them.

♪ Payback!

Until now...

Thank you, thank you.

Here's a little song

I wrote the other night...

while I watched your mothers

get undressed.

Boo!

Yeah!

♪ I have written my own song

- Shut up!

♪ Everybody, come on

Sing along ♪

- You suck!

- Boo!

Who the hell threw that?

Well, fuck you, too!

Come on!

I'm too big for

this place anyway!

Hmh.

Rough night, huh?

Yeah, tell me about it.

Oh, here's something

to cheer you up.

Thanks, Buck.

You're a real doll.

Don't worry, it's on the house.

If you think

you had it bad,

I've slept with every man

in this bar.

I mean look at them!

Thor's such a bore,

Gary, he's too hairy

and Amid is just a kid.

I'm tired of meeting men

in bars.

I'd like to meet men

behind bars.

And now what you've all

have been waiting for.

Our very own Buck Blossom!

Huh? Oh, that's me!

He's a real veterinarian

and specializes in bears!

I guess that's my cue.

Gotta run, dolls.

See ya later!

♪ Gimme good times, baby!

He also makes house calls.

Here!

He's got a PhD

in Big and Hairy.

Come on!

Come to Daddy!

You've got a problem,

he's got the cure!

For sure!

But no bare back,

only bear back!

Hey!

Oh, hey!

Oh! I think you guys

were great!

I've loved "Payback"

since the first time I heard it.

Thank you!

I mean, "Payback",

I mean, I guess

it's our only hit single.

But if we don't come up

with something new that's good,

'cos otherwise we'll be

has-beens.

You already are!

Maybe you should start

your second song

with only drums.

Who asked your opinion anyway?

You're not even in the band!

Hey, I'm just trying to help!

I'm a big fan of yours!

Scram!

Stay!

What?

"Pay the parking fee

before Wednesday or else!"

Wednesday! That's tomorrow!

Damn!

Let's go see Texas.

Yeah, come on!

Being our manager and all,

Texas has to help us.

Hey, Texas!

Did we get any money

from our last gig?

Are you kidding?

You're a bunch

of good-for-nothing losers!

And I've been wasting

my time on you!

I've got bigger fish to fry!

Breakaway pop hits,

reality TV stars...

You know, real talent!

So get out of my face

before I throw you out!

It's over!

Oh, it's such a shitty business.

You have no idea!

Hey, I'm back! I got pizza!

Tex is right.

You guys are a bunch of losers.

Peggy, I'm so sick and tired

of your whining.

And Bandito,

you're not exactly the sharpest

knife in the drawer.

And Scotty,

you're such a nutty nerd.

I can't believe I've stayed

with you guys for so long.

I'm going solo!

Wait! Wait a minute, Riff,

we can change! Riff!

Without Riff we're doomed.

How can someone just

leave like that?

I'm glad Riff quit.

Can't you see

we've been oppressed?

What?

- Come on!

Now we can finally

play the music we like

without getting beaten up.

With no one

to scare away our fans,

we might even get laid!

I guess you're right.

It is awful how Riff

treated that Lola.

But we're going to be nice

to each other and to everybody.

- I'm beat. Let's go to bed.

- Yeah.

Scotty!

Oh, pathetic...

Note to self:

Do not repeat

utilization of this

vehicle for energy recovery.

We must get our caravan

unbarred before tonight!

Good morning!

Hey!

What happened

to our mobile home?

Ah, Dios mío! My dresses!

Spontaneous combustion!

I never thought I'd witness it

in my lifetime!

My Snaggletooth!

Without my action figures

my retirement funds are...

insufficient!

But the note said Wednesday!

Well, I thought

that meant tonight.

Well, I guess today

is also technically Wednesday.

But I don't think the landlord

could've done this.

We must report this

to the authorities.

They will investigate the matter

professionally.

Yeah, we should call the cops,

but can we have breakfast first?

Cos I'm starving!

Come on, guys!

No, don't eat me!

I'm just a little bun!

- I will call the police now.

- OK.

What's the matter?

Don't you like buns?

Hey, what's this?

TV is having

a battle of the bands!

The winner gets a contract

with Wolf Records!

Let me see! Let me see!

And 10,000 dollars!

Come on!

Better hurry,

it's only three days away!

Can we please use your phone?

Get back!

What the heck?

I'd like to make an application.

It's Dyke Hard.

Dyke Hard!

- Woo-hoo!

- Yeah!

It begins.

♪ Our love sets me free

Oh my God!

We're gonna be on TV!

But what are we gonna wear?

Do I look OK?

Bandito,

kindly focus your attention

on the road ahead, please!

What did you say?

Jesus Christ!

- Shit!

Can you hear me?

Dawn was a Thai boxer

on the way to

a martial arts tournament

that was being held the same day

as The Battle of the Bands

in the big city.

Luckily Dawn wasn't too badly hurt by the accident,

but was offered a seat

in the car for compensation.

So you're going to

the big city, too.

We'll give you a ride!

Please, don't sue us!

You wouldn't get anything.

We're broke.

And then we used to dress up

and play pirates on the porch!

That was my favorite game

until I was like 13.

I like games, too.

When I was little,

my master used to shoot arrows

at me with a bow.

OK.

Huh?

Prison guard?

Yeah!

Wow!

I want that job.

Yeah!

Get back

to the 80's, you freak!

Fuck!

Huh?

Need a ride?

- Wow! Yeah!

Where to?

Any place but this dump.

- I think I can manage that.

- Cool!

- Get in!

- All right!

I've got a terribly

long road ahead of me.

Perhaps hearing your story

will make it shorter.

What's eating you?

It's my band.

I broke up with them.

'Cos they're a bunch of losers.

And now I'm all alone.

Oh, that must feel terrible.

No, I'm better off

without that dead weight.

But there's a big

battle of the bands

in the big city on Saturday,

and I can't be in it.

Why?

Because of some stupid contract

with our record label.

That sucks! 'Cos I know,

without those morons

I could be going places.

Well, despite having

just met you,

I'd be delighted to help.

Help me? Why?

You don't even know me.

And besides,

why would anyone help anyone?

You see, I'm an entrepreneur.

I started with two empty hands,

and now...

Wow!

Voilà!

- Wow!

- You see,

you remind me of myself.

Many years ago I was young,

misunderstood...

The whole world was against me.

But then when things

couldn't get any worse,

a stranger appeared

came out of nowhere

and gave me a fresh start.

I never got to thank

that stranger.

So I'd like to repay

the favor to you.

Wow, that's

awfully generous of you, Miss...

Moira.

Just call me Moira.

Now come on inside.

I'll show you

what I can do for you.

Great.

I never got any help

from anyone.

And neither will you,

my "friend".

Wow.

- Knock knock!

- Who's there?

- Boo!

- Boo who?

Don't cry, I'll take the job.

Very funny.

So, big boy,

you like to play games?

Uh-uh.

But can you handle

a few bad men?

Let's see if they can handle me.

You see, I'm pretty bad myself.

Hmh...

See what I mean?

Mm.

Well, all right!

- When can you start?

- Right away, Master!

Show me your ass.

- My ass?

- Yeah.

All right, I'll show you my ass.

Now you're mine!

I can make you a star.

I don't doubt it.

You have way better taste

than my previous manager, Texas.

But how are we gonna get rid of

Dyke Hard before Saturday?

By "get rid of",

what exactly do you mean?

I mean murder!

Kill!

Assassinate.

Exterminate.

Mm.

- With Dyke Hard out of the way,

I would be able to show

my own true solo talent

at The Battle of the Bands!

You are driven, aren't you?

And I appreciate that tenacity

and rugged determinism.

But we must make sure

none of this

can be traced back to you.

You see, murder

would be a terrible blight

on your career.

But with a clean past

you could go from rock star

to movie star,

to business tycoon,

governor or even president!

Oh... Yeah, I knew that.

If we only had a plan.

Yes.

What?

Invisible door!

Awesome!

Fill 'er up!

- And now for snacks!

- Yeah!

I will locate and utilize

the restroom facilities.

Are you coming, Dawn?

- I'll stay here and contemplate.

What's Dawn contemplating?

I've perceived no indication

of any particular subject.

- No, no.

- No?

As a footnote, however,

I've read that

when performing oral sex

one should write the alphabet

with one's tongue...

until climax is achieved.

Usually around the letter K.

Hm, how?

Welcome!

- How may I help you?

- Do you sell tacos here?

- Certainly, Miss.

- And what about clams?

I'm afraid not,

but there's a fish market

a few miles up the road.

And do you have any... rugs?

"Insert hand".

♪ La, la, la, lesbian

♪ Lesbian girl

♪ You make me feel

So transsexual ♪

Mhm... Maybe you could

give me a call someday

and we could talk some more

about your... work.

- Thank you, come again!

- I think I will... come again.

♪ You make me feel

So transsexual ♪

♪ You make me feel

So ladylike ♪

♪ You turn me into a dyke

Wow! What's all this?

Well, it's a precaution really.

To keep track of jealous

people's pathetic attempts

to stand in my way.

It's like playing detective.

It's like... a hobby of mine.

But come over here,

take a look at this!

The target

Dyke Hard located.

Wow!

Can you monitor anyone

with these?

- Sure.

- Aha!

Cool...

So you've got like

a whole private army

with roller skaters,

wrestlers, ninjas...

Well, yes, I do have

all those things...

but I've found that

the cleanest, most reliable way

to get things done

is to do them... yourself.

- You mean you're gonna do it?

- No, I mean you're gonna do it.

That way no one can turn on you

in court

or sell you out to the press.

In fact, I think

your boundless enthusiasm

will make sure that we have

a perfect execution.

Uh-huh.

Ta da!

Great plan!

Oh, sorry.

My God!

Would you look at

Dawn's action movie routine!

Those toned arms,

that muscular back,

defined six pack...

determined chin.

What a poser!

Wow! I never realized

that Dawn was that hot! Yeah!

There!

They won't know what hit 'em!

Bam! Just like that!

In the middle of nowhere.

Hum... I hope

this car's equipped

with a spare tire

suitable for the season.

Look!

I'll go ask for help.

Maybe they can lend us

a spare tire.

That house looks

like a total ghost house.

I wouldn't set my foot in it

for a million dollars.

Dawn has been absent for about

8 minutes and 43 seconds.

I see it as my duty to check out

the status of the expedition.

Scotty! Wait!

Can I come with you?

- Scotty!

- Bandito!

We're staying here! Bandito!

Hello?

Anybody... home?

Dawn? Dawn?

Ah! Look!

Footsteps!

This way!

What's going on here?

Dawn!

Thank God you're all right!

I see you are well!

We just witnessed

an intriguing phenomenon.

You're just imagining

things!

No! They were right here!

I've checked all the floors.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

This place has been abandoned

for a long time.

Maybe we should

spend a night here.

Over my dead body!

Come on, Pegs, you know

we can't afford a motel room!

We'll need...

fire wood, blankets, tools...

And a spare tire would be great.

Let's split up and see

what we can find. OK?

Scotty, we need to find

blankets and wood now!

You can play the piano later.

Come to me!

Hi.

What a dump!

Yeah!

Getting warmer!

Now that's what

I'm talkin' about!

My own tool belt!

Cool!

Hot!

Ow!

Ow! Ow! That's too hot!

Ow!

What?

Oh... shiny.

No one will notice.

Hum...

Huh?

A regular job?

♪ La, la, la

Lesbian ♪

Yes! Um...

♪ Lesbian girl

You naughty,

naughty ghost!

I guess someone's been here.

Well, they're not here now.

I need to find the others.

Holy moly!

Thank you!

Ah!

Dawn, do I look like someone

who'll end up

working in a regular job?

- No!

- Forever?

You look like

a talented musician

with a flawless complexion.

But where are the others?

Dawn! Peggy!

This place is haunted for real!

OK, group, it's just a few hours

until dawn.

Da-da-da-da-Dawn.

Huh.

Oh!

Let's stick together

and wait this one out.

Firewood.

My master taught me

some protective spells.

You did it!

- Oh, stand back, evil temptress!

- Who are you talking to?

Well, well, well, so...

You think you can outsmart me!

Ha, ha, ha!

We'll see about that!

what do you think

about my twins?

Just stay in the circle!

♪ My name is Morgana

♪ I'm wet as a lake

♪ I'll make you go banana

♪ When you eat my juicy cake

♪ I have two little helpers

♪ They don't bark

But they bite ♪

♪ And if they lose

Their tempers ♪

♪ You won't survive this night

♪ When I was still alive

♪ I stayed away

From fornication ♪

♪ I believed what I was told

About hell and all that ♪

♪ But when I was 42

♪ I finally saw the light

♪ Someone managed

To seduce me ♪

♪ And it opened up my eyes

♪ But too late

♪ It was too late now

♪ Too late

♪ It was much too late

♪ The day after

My sexual awakening ♪

♪ In the evening

♪ I slipped upon a cowpat

♪ And I fell into a well

♪ I hit my head

I ended up dead ♪

♪ And I yelled to the Reaper

♪ "Don't take me just yet."

♪ But he wouldn't listen

♪ And I sank down

To the bottom ♪

♪ But I wasn't done

♪ With carnal pleasures yet

♪ I rejected the pearly gates

♪ For a pair of tits

♪ I was distracted from

The path of light ♪

♪ Now I linger

In limbo's night ♪

♪ Forever fretting

My wasted life ♪

♪ Forever cursing

Religious lies ♪

♪ My fury is as great

As my sexual... ♪

I'm scared!

♪ ...frustration!

You haven't seen

the last of me yet.

This is the police!

We have surrounded the house!

Uh? Hey!

Wake up, Scotty!

You have 10 seconds to come out!

- Put your hands on your head!

- What's going on?

Ten, nine, eight...

...seven, six...

Psst! Whose guitar is this?

Please refrain from exploring

unidentified objects.

Yoink!

Oh!

Guys!

- Who's that?

- A corpse!

I've never seen you before.

Freeze!

Put your hands up!

There's a misunderstanding!

We've never seen

this person before!

Save your explanation

for the judges.

Will we not be read our rights?

I'm led to believe that this is

the correct procedure! Ow!

That only happens in movies!

Now move it!

Come on!

On the trailer! Let's go!

You ain't so tough now, are you?

Is this yours?

Yeah!

Ouch.

Where did you get

that guitar?

I found it!

You always wanted to play guitar

instead of bass, right?

- It's yours.

- Well, it is pretty glamorous.

How long

has the subject been dead?

Oh my God, what a smell!

Easy!

That's right!

- You drive.

- Yeah.

I'll keep an eye

on the prisoners.

I'm gonna drive the car!

Roger!

The trap has sprung!

The sword of Damocles

has finally fallen!

Oh, how I've waited so long

for this moment!

Dyke Hard are mine! Mine!

You could always use a strap-on

if you're feeling insufficient.

Yeah, true.

Size doesn't really matter.

It's what you do with it.

Yeah, I guess you're right,

but I often feel like--

I think it's time

for coffee now.

- OK.

- Let's go.

Yeah.

Fools!

Bigger is always better!

And soon I'm going to be

the biggest of them all!

Using science,

Riff was transformed

into a deceased dead person.

Framing the band for murder!

They'd survived

the terrors of the night.

But now they faced

a whole new horror.

On Death Row.

- Come on, come on.

- I'll make you my bitch in here.

Smoke up.

The warden is coming!

Everybody get up!

The warden is coming!

Attention!

Huh.

- Who's coming?

- I'm coming!

No!

- Put that one in The Hole!

- Help! Let me go!

Help!

Today we've received

some new playmates.

No, I mean inmates.

Bah!

Welcome to my prison!

Oh!

what have we here?

Win! Win! Win!

Ah!

Why you...

- No, no. Shh!

She's not worth it.

The rules are simple.

All misbehavior will be punished

according to my inspiration!

♪ Jailbirds of all genders

♪ Dwell in my cells

♪ Some try to cast a spell

♪ But sorry

That won't help! ♪

♪ You're in My private collection of thugs ♪

♪ Before you know it

♪ You'll be pissing in mugs

♪ If you just want a hug

♪ You're welcome in my office

♪ And while going at it

♪ You should also eat my rug

♪ I am role modeling

For you all ♪

♪ I am your big mama here

And I'm tall ♪

♪ Obedience takes time

♪ And that I sure have plenty

♪ If you got sentenced

Ten years ♪

♪ I think I give you 20

♪ Now give me some

Jailhouse rock!

♪ Behind bars

That's where you're at ♪

♪ Ball and chain

You can't argue with that ♪

♪ Whatever you do

♪ Don't mess with Cellblock H

♪ They're gonna lock you up

♪ In a special cage

♪ You walk the straight

And narrow ♪

♪ Under my protective wing

♪ You can't escape

There's no such thing ♪

♪ And when I tell you so

♪ You have got to sing

♪ I am the prison warden

♪ I tend my savage garden

♪ Paint my picture

Write my memoirs ♪

♪ Pose for my camera

Light my cigar ♪

♪ La, la la...

♪ La, la, la

Don't worry, guys,

we're innocent.

We'll be all right.

Didn't you see

the other prisoners, man?

They'll eat us alive!

The noble art... of Muay Thai...

will keep us safe

in this hell hole.

I'll teach you.

You've got to be kidding.

Ha-ya!

Now drop and give me twenty!

Okey!

Hai!

Now drop.

"Get a haircut,"

that's what Mama always said.

Oh, I love you, Mama.

Yeah.

Voilà!

Not bad.

Are you ready?

I'm gonna show you around.

Great.

Make sure those pants

are on tight!

Oh!

Let's go!

How long have you been here,

Gita?

All my life.

Born and raised.

So this is the prison gym.

- Hey, Gita, who's the puppy?

- Shut up!

You seen enough? Come on!

- Uh, no.

So this is

where the prisoners shower.

Not much to see here.

Do you mind if I give them

some correctional aid?

Hey, handsome,

you missed a spot.

Come on!

Well, my work is done here.

Here we keep the prisoners

awaiting trial.

We got a real nasty group

in there right now.

- Killed an old innocent man.

- Really? How?

With their bare hands.

Take a good look at

those freaks.

Hey, what's up?

All right, all right.

I'm new here.

Dyke Hard!

Buck Blossom!

You've gotta help us

out of here.

We're innocent!

Hm...

- I'll see what I can do.

- Hey! Don't get too friendly!

Those bastards

are gonna fry soon.

See you later.

There must be

big bribes involved.

Because this state usually

don't have death penalty.

What's this?

That's the solitary ward.

- You don't want to go in there.

- Why?

There's only one prisoner

who's been there for 7 years.

They call it "The Beast".

It was more animal than man,

and the zoo couldn't keep it.

I have to see it!

- Can I go in?

- Whatever rocks your boat.

Oh... I smell bad man.

Oh my!

I've been waiting for you

all my life.

Big, big bad beast.

♪ I've been looking

I've been searching ♪

♪ For a man to love

♪ I've searched across

The seven seas ♪

♪ And I've cruised down

Every pub ♪

♪ But for every man

I've been with ♪

♪ For every single kiss

♪ I've realized

There are some things ♪

♪ In my heart

That I still miss ♪

♪ My heart's a lock

And there's no key ♪

♪ I've been wondering

What is Wrong with me ♪

♪ But suddenly

To my big surprise ♪

♪ He's there catching me

♪ With them brown eyes

♪ He can top me, I can tell

♪ I receive him in my well

♪ My days of dominating guys

Are through ♪

Yeah!

♪ And now all I want to do

Is be with you ♪

♪ Submission

Is the greatest gift ♪

♪ And all that

♪ But without your domination

♪ My submission

Falls down flat ♪

♪ Leather, latex

Drugs and ropes ♪

♪ Whips and clips

And smelly dopes ♪

♪ Leather, latex

Drugs and ropes ♪

♪ Whips and clips

And smelly dopes ♪

♪ We are gonna have

So much fun together ♪

♪ We're gonna share our love

♪ And all our lust forever

♪ We can live together

On the North Pole ♪

♪ In the middle of the country

Or a deep, dark hole ♪

♪ I'll be your bitch

And drive you mad ♪

♪ You'll be my man and spank me When I'm bad ♪

♪ Leather, latex

Drugs and ropes ♪

♪ Whips and clips

And smelly dopes ♪

♪ Leather, latex

Drugs and ropes ♪

♪ Whips and clips

And smelly dopes... ♪

♪ Submission

Is the greatest gift ♪

♪ And all that

♪ But without your domination

♪ My submission

Falls down flat ♪

♪ Sometimes

We will go out and... ♪

♪ We're gonna play around

With others ♪

♪ You and me we will always be

♪ Returning to each other's...

♪ Sometimes

We will go out and... ♪

♪ We're gonna play around

With others ♪

♪ You and me we will always be

♪ Returning to

Each other's arms ♪

Hey, wake up!

Time for lunch!

Oh yeah, sure!

I'm coming.

The lunch break is short

as it is!

I'm gonna get you out

of this cage.

Woo! Ah!

Break those chains, baby!

Yeah, come on, come on!

Ow!

Yeah!

The Beast! The Beast is loose!

Ah!

In case of riot,

this prison has a complicated

system of sedative gas

but I brought my own recipe

of seductive gas.

- Oh!

- Go away! Go away!

Goddamn it!

Who let The Beast out?

This is Armageddon!

Judgment Day!

Shut up, you fucking freak!

No, no.

Lift me up!

Order! Order!

I'm gonna set an example!

Did you see?

I quit!

Release the gas!

Gas released.

Finally!

You! You!

Obscene behavior!

Oh, my God!

Uh?

I've got it! I'm horny!

Take me! Take me to heaven!

Oh, how I've longed

for this beast.

Uh?

Please don't stop.

I know you'd go for anything,

but safe sex, that's my style.

Wow, wow, wow!

Listen up, jailbirds!

Why don't you hump that wall!

I can't wait to see this!

Hump!

Oh, my God!

They're gonna hump

the walls apart!

Hump! Hump!

Moira, we've got a problem!

Dykes! Dykes!

There's been a big riot

in prison!

I've got to get you

out of here, huh!

Oh!

You're a sweetheart,

Buck!

Oh, yeah, you're gonna get us

out of here, man!

Oh, thank you!

- We don't have time for this.

Run! Run for your lives!

Yeah, is this the police?

I want to report a prison break.

Who am I?

I'm just a concerned citizen.

Where's... Scotty?

Scotty?

Scotty, we've got to go!

No!

Jessica!

It's Jennifer.

It's ruined.

My plan is ruined.

You own half the city.

You got the Nobel Peace Prize

and Queen Elizabeth clearly

has the hots for you.

Can't you just forget about them

and go on

with your fabulous life?

But Jessica,

don't you understand?

It's always been about this,

about getting back at...

But perhaps...

Perhaps it's not over.

I've been trying

to send them to hell.

Let's see how they fare

in... heaven.

Pamela?

Yes?

I need you to contact

an old friend of mine.

Wait!

I think we lost them.

Hey guys!

What?

It's the senior

citizen's killers.

Go and get them!

You two!

Cover that area!

The fuzz!

Freeze!

Yeah!

Evidence... of rock'n'roll.

Woo-hoo!

We've got to split up!

It'll confuse them!

It's our only chance!

Okay!

Shh!

Where did they go?

I don't know!

But wherever they are,

- we're gonna find 'em.

- Yeah.

Silence.

Look, the redhead

and the athlete, too!

Darling, are you OK?

Yeah. Let's get 'em.

Remember

when we were younger?

- We were much faster.

- I'd say.

Do you see anything?

They're getting away!

What are you waiting for?

Come on!

- Your gun, sugar.

- Thanks, darling.

We'll see about that.

Peggy! Watch out!

Peggy! Jump!

Thanks.

I think we're safe now.

Do you hear that?

It's the highway.

They got away.

Don't bet on it.

You okay, Peggy?

Hey, isn't that Bandito

and Scotty?

I think so.

- Come on!

Kindly mount

the motorized vehicles.

- What?

- Do you know these guys?

Just get on the bike, Dyke!

♪ Let's go!

Goddamn senior citizen killers!

♪ Speeding down the motor way

♪ Let slow life pass us by

♪ Another mile, another day

♪ Some action in our lives

♪ We're on our way

♪ Living for today

♪ C'mon let's go, let go!

♪ Let go!

♪ Engines screaming

Red hot rage ♪

♪ The government's not

That high ♪

♪ Speed crazed racer

Rip my mind ♪

♪ You know we're gonna

Hit the sky ♪

♪ We make our move

♪ And you know we never lose

♪ C'mon let's go, let go!

The bikers

were going to a biker rally

on an old landing strip

in the woods.

They dropped the band off

at a cute little cabin,

and told them

to take shelter there.

Attention, please.

May I inform you...

that The Battle of the Bands

and Dawn's tournament

both start coincidentally

in 21.2 hours.

And we still have

500 kilometers to go.

Look, we've all been through

a lot today

and we have no money.

If this person is nice,

maybe we can sleep

in the barn tonight.

And then we can

take the afternoon to relax

and to prepare mentally

for tomorrow.

Sounds good to me.

My legs are all wobbly.

] Well,

don't just stand there.

Come on in.

You all must be hungry

and tired.

- Uh-huh.

- This way.

A pleasure

doing business with you.

Thanks.

And that's how

the elephant got its long nose.

And the leopard, its dots.

That was a wonderful story.

Hey, can't you guys play

one of your songs for Granny?

Hm... I suppose.

But we don't have

a lead singer.

What about you, Dawn?

Do you like to sing?

I never tried, but actually

I wrote a poem today.

Maybe we can turn it

into a song.

Yeah!

Mhm.

At the end of

the Long winding road

Through the woods

There's a light shining bright

♪ At the end of

The long winding road ♪

♪ Through the woods

♪ There's a light

Shining bright ♪

♪ There's a cottage

Full of love ♪

♪ There's a harbor

For our hearts ♪

♪ Never more will we

Ever have to fight ♪

♪ Granny's house

♪ Mm mm

♪ Things will be all right

In Granny's house ♪

♪ Ah oh ah

♪ Granny's house

♪ Mm mm

♪ Everything is fine

In Granny's house ♪

♪ Ah oh ah

♪ We can be a family

♪ This can be a paradise

♪ Granny, where've you been

All my life? ♪

♪ We belong to thee

♪ We'll do chores

Around the house ♪

♪ And we'll keep you company

♪ Granny, where have you been

All my life? ♪

♪ We belong to thee

♪ Granny's house

♪ Mm mm

♪ Things will be

All right in Granny's house ♪

♪ Granny's house

♪ Mm mm

♪ Everything is fine

In Granny's house ♪

♪ Ah oh ah

Oh!

Oh...

Oh, you children

are so talented.

And if you stick together,

I just know you'll go far.

Hum...

Come here. Hmm.

Let's go.

Here, wear this.

I want you inside me.

- Good morning, youngsters.

- Good morning, Granny.

Did you sleep well?

Exquisitely.

Looks like my previous

assumptions were correct.

Oh, zip it, Scotty!

Can't you see they're in love?

Who's that?

It's Lola!

From Buck's bar!

With our car!

Hey! Hurry up, guys!

Battle of the Bands

starts in three hours!

I've pimped your ride.

But I wanna help

Granny paint the barn!

And I wanna help Granny

mow the lawn!

I wanna do it again with Dawn!

Let's just stay here,

this is paradise!

Are you guys insane?

Your chance of a lifetime

is within reach!

And you're just gonna throw

that away or what?

- It's my fault.

- No, it isn't.

Let me speak.

I'm not...

- Well, I'm not what I seem.

- Uh-uh.

I knew that you were coming.

I even have detailed information

of your interests

and your favorite food.

I was paid...

to detain you.

Make you miss your concert.

And I trusted you.

Who paid you?

- Moira.

- Who?

You don't know?

Why are you telling us this now?

Because I don't want to help

Moira ruin your life any more.

You changed my mind with

your beautiful song yesterday.

This Moira sounds like an awful,

jealous, evil person.

Why help someone like that?

Well, Moira is also

the saddest person I ever met.

Always surrounded by people,

yet hopelessly alone.

But now your friend Lola is here

like sent from heaven.

You must go with Lola.

Corrupt or not,

I still don't ever

want to leave you, Granny.

I'll always be here for you.

Now go.

Goodbye, Scotty.

And Peggy.

My thoughts will be with you.

Take care of them, Dawn.

Woo-hoo!

Ah!

Et tu, Granny!

Where is your loyalty?

I thought we were like,

not friends, but something.

I see it now.

My plans, they were too simple,

too small.

I've gotta think bigger!

If I can't kill them...

and I can't pacify them...

I'll humiliate them

in front of the whole world.

Ah, Riff, I was just gonna

sell you out to the cops

as soon as the dirty work

was done,

but now I will make you a star!

Woo-hoo!

Here comes Dyke Hard!

Wow!

♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love

And my hope and my songs ♪

♪ And my faith, my emotions

♪ Payback!

♪ My belief in myself

And my self-confidence... ♪

When I found out,

you finally got rid of Riff,

I decided to devote

this summer to you, guys.

You're great musicians,

but you need better management.

I'll handle things from now on.

Here! Put these on!

It's your new costumes!

You can't go on stage

in those rags.

Yeah, guys! Woo-hoo!

You must check me in,

I'm paying for this, you know!

I'm sorry, but you're not

in the papers, you know.

I'm not responsible for that.

♪ La, la, la

Lesbian ♪

- Hi.

I would like to check in

Dyke Hard.

Dyke Hard!

Hum.... Um...

Sorry, hot stuff, but there's

no such name in my papers.

Then I'll file an application

for Dyke Hard right now.

That's a cool name!

Mhm... The intake

is actually closed, but--

- I'm gonna get you fired.

- Yeah, yeah.

But if you promise not

to tell anyone...

- Ow...

- I'll sneak you in! Yeah!

Am I OK?

OK!

There's been a riot,

and it's double booked,

for some reason.

Nobody knows.

No comment.

I'm afraid there's been

an unfortunate misunderstanding,

this venue has been

double booked

both for

TV's Battle of the Bands

and The Martial Arts Tournament.

The organizers are trying

to work out a solution

as we speak.

- What the hell!

- No!

No.

Excuse me!

I got something to say.

What? Who's that?

I am a Thai boxer,

but I've opened my heart

to music.

I represent a dojo of fighters

who up until a few days ago

had never heard of a round kick

or an upper cut.

They were musicians,

and I taught them how to fight.

I'm a fighter.

But they taught me how to sing.

Yeah.

These last few days

have been the most important

days of my life.

I've learned about acceptance,

friendship, betrayal

and forgiveness.

And I've found love.

Tonight, right here,

I believe fate

brought us all together

to learn from each other

and to open our minds.

And if we can find it

in our hearts

to share this space together,

we will witness something

entirely new

that will change

our lives forever.

Yeah!

Please.

The organizers have decided

to work together.

I hereby declare the first

martial arts

and music festival

officially open!

Yeah!

Are you happy?

- Yeah!

Well, well, well!

Hello, hello, everybody!

Welcome to the world's first

rock and sports festival.

♪ Dance the night

We're here

as sports commentators.

Breaking, it's called.

You learn something new

every day.

Hot damn!

Now that's what I call karate!

And now for tonight,

the most expensive act.

It is Riff Painful

and the Poodle Rockers!

There's a rumor

that a mysterious billionaire

is behind Riff's solo career.

The Big M's landed.

Yay! Hello morons!

What a fucking lame answer!

- "Are you ready to rock?"

You better be.

Riff is barking orders

at these kids,

but will they buy it?

♪ Survival of the fittest

♪ I eat Superman for breakfast

♪ I crush the weak

Under my heel ♪

♪ I show no mercy

I'm made of steel ♪

♪ God ask permission

♪ The devil keep on wishin'

♪ Zie could be as mighty as me

♪ I'm your Number One

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I'm the best one around

♪ Yeah, yeah

I'm your Number One ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I'm the queen of this town

♪ The queen of this town...

So that was why Riff quit

the band.

Apparently.

I hope the Poodles

are treated good.

You used to know Riff?

Yeah.

- This show is kinda cool.

- Cool? Ah!

♪ I'm the ayatollah

♪ Of rock and rollah!

♪ There's no competition

In this world ♪

♪ My music makes

Your pubic hair curl ♪

♪ No one can beat me

OK, guys,

it's time to get on stage.

Are you ready?

Yeah!

- Excuse me. You're Dawn, right?

- Yes.

You're here to defend your belt

against Killer Queen?

Yeah, but I'm also here to play

with my band, Dyke Hard.

Oh, I'm sorry, but there's only

one act per person.

You've kinda got to choose.

Then I play with my band.

I've done enough

fighting today.

Yes!

♪ I'm your Number One

Ah! I spent

a fortune on this show

and now they don't even like it!

They can't be allowed

to go on stage and win.

Yeah.

Send in the ninjas.

Peggy! What are you waiting for?

Your speech was really great.

You're truly a born leader.

I just spoke my mind.

Round One!

- Fight!

- Scotty! We've got company!

Oh no! Ninjas!

- Ninja challenge!

- To the death!

These guys must watch

a lot of movies.

Let's give 'em a live show!

Take that!

Thai boxing...

"Windmill" Johansson!

Damn it!

Well, if they want to play

it that way!

And the winner is...

Send in the roller derby.

- Win!

- Recognize!

Wait! A ninja conspiracy.

But for what purpose?

Peggy!

Bandito!

Cannonball wrestling Blue Demon!

Peggy! Look out!

Win!

Da-da-da-da-Dawn!

Must I do everything myself.

♪ We belong

♪ Together in this...

OK, this is it, Dykes.

Are you ready?

Let's get it on!

Dawn!

Go, Pegs!

Hello, Peggy! Long time no see!

Who are you?

Hey, knock it off!

This is none of your business.

Stay out of it!

I've met you before

somewhere.

Wow!

♪ Sitting in the corner

Feeling blue ♪

Moira!

Moira! It is you!

Oh, you suddenly remember my

name now!

How flattering!

You're the one who paid Granny

to keep us out of here!

Why did you do that?

We used to be band mates!

We used to be amigas!

Amigas? You mean friends?

You didn't even notice me!

None of you did.

You all forgot me.

Completely and totally.

As if I didn't exist,

as if I hadn't been there

from the very beginning.

- Start...

- A...

Band!

Moira!

But we're not like that anymore.

- We're really sorry.

- You are?

Peggy!

Can't we end this

without bloodshed?

How do you make up

for a ruined self-esteem?

Even

cognitive behavioral therapy

couldn't fix it!

I know Riff was the real bully,

but you all had friendship.

And you wouldn't even share it!

You're right.

We were blind and selfish.

But we were abused, too.

Riff constantly

tried to break us down

with her bossy ways.

But along the way

we got caught up in a lie.

A Lie of acceptance and hell,

maybe even a promise of fame.

And we... left you behind.

I think we all learned

our lesson.

We're sorry.

Can't you come back to the band?

How do I know

you won't just treat me

like shit again?

We promise!

You put us through a lot

and rightfully so.

You've gotten your revenge.

Now it's time for you to heal.

I think the best way is

by letting us show you

the love and respect

that you always deserved.

Oh, Moira!

And the last act

tonight is...

Dyke Hard!

Hey! That song, "Payback".

It was you who wrote it,

wasn't it?

I did.

That song was a warning.

It was a cry for help.

We get it...

now.

But... won't you...

well... with us?

Yeah.

Mmhm.

But what do I play?

Here!

That's about as much

as you can use a guitar

within the limits of law.

Thanks.

All set?

- Don't embarrass yourself.

Wow, looks like Riff didn't

get enough of that microphone

last time round.

You don't want to listen to

this shit, these losers.

Get off the stage!

We all know I'm the winner,

so why don't we just...

I'll be damned!

It's starting

to resemble rock'n'roll!

I'm from the future.

I will destroy you!

Come on!

Ah! My cyborg plan!

I forgot all about that.

Sorry!

Now you will feel

real pain!

Now you die!

- Take shelter!

You die!

Again! Again!

I love you!

I love you, too!

Come to me!

Holy shit! They like fused!

It's okay now!

I love you!

Love yourselves!

What a touching paradox!

- Can we play now?

- Yeah!

Yeah!

Come on, Moira!

Well, after a quite convincing

futuristic stage show

the band is now ready to play.

Dyke Hard!

♪ We've been through

Rain and snow ♪

♪ Wind and water

♪ Much too long

♪ By yourself

You might be strong ♪

♪ Together, together

♪ Together...

♪ We... belong

♪ Friendship forever

♪ That's the way to go

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ No matter what, you know

♪ Friendship forever

♪ Together we stand tall

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ To catch you if you fall

♪ We have learned our lessons

You and I ♪

♪ Never more any disrespect

Or lies ♪

♪ We belong

♪ Together in this world

♪ Insecurity turned to harmony

♪ Grain of sand

Turns into pearls ♪

♪ Friendship forever

♪ That's the way to go

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ No matter, don't you know

♪ Friendship forever

♪ Together we stand tall

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ To catch you if you fall

♪ We've been through

♪ Hell and back

♪ Thick and thin

Too much to tell ♪

♪ One thing

We've learned this far ♪

♪ Is together...

♪ Together

♪ We belong

♪ Friendship forever

♪ That's the way to go

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ No matter, don't you know

♪ Friendship forever

♪ That's where we begin

♪ When you've got a friend

♪ Together you can

Together you can ♪

♪ Together you can sing

And so the band

was all together again.

Just like I'd always dreamed of.

Buck Blossom

and The Beast got married.

And we all lived

happily ever after.

♪ That's the way to go

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ No matter what, you know

What did I do to get

rid of all that?

I said "yes"!

And what did I say "yes" to?

Love! Yeah!

Perhaps you wanna try

Barbara's job?

Sure thing! Can you hold this?

Visiting your boyfriend, huh?

Is he as bad as me?

Oh, I almost forgot!

The Queen has called

and wants you to call back.

Thank you, Pamela.

This is gonna be awesome.

Oh, children.

Don't weep for me, Jessica.

I shall forge on,

ever the bastion of melancholy.

I'll endure.

And then...

Well, I'm sure

it'll only hurt for a minute.

I've been told that

the electric chair's

the most humane method.

♪ You never see me

♪ You never listen

♪ You're busy

With your giant egos ♪

♪ I've changed my mind

♪ About you and your crew

♪ I don't wanna be part of you

♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love

And my hope ♪

♪ And my songs and my faith

My emotions ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ My belief in myself

♪ And my self-confidence

♪ And my deeper emotions

♪ Payback!

♪ My sad, lonely efforts

And strains ♪

♪ My heartache and pain

Don't forget to do that thing

in the place with you-know-who.

So, when exactly

are you gonna make me famous?

All in good time, Riff.

We must give your stardom

a fresh start.

Do the real work

of the music industry:

focus groups

and marketing strategies.

Let's be adults for once,

shall we?

That's what I always say!

♪ Then I'll get

Wonderful vengeance ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ Revenge will be mine

♪ I'll wait

♪ I'll get vengeance

♪ Payback!

♪ Revenge will be mine

♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love

And my hope ♪

♪ And my songs and my faith

My emotions ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ My belief in myself

♪ And my self-confidence

My deeper emotions ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ My sad, lonely efforts

And strains ♪

♪ My heartache and pain

♪ I have written my own song

♪ Everybody, come on

Sing along ♪

♪ And the song

It goes like this ♪

♪ Come on, baby

Give me a kiss ♪

Hey, what are you guys doing?

- Nothing.

- Well, stop it!

It's right through the bushes!

Beware of the cruising lesbians!

Can we take a break?

Sure, honey.

Dyke Hard (2014) - full transcript