Dyke Hard (2014) - full transcript

A lesbian rock band sets off on a road trip to a battle of the bands in the big city. A mysterious billionaire with an army of ninjas, cyborgs and roller derby girls is doing everything to stop them. Their journey is a whacky adventure filled with motorcycle gangs, prison riots and flamboyant musical numbers

Come on, you piece of shit!


Now everybody's dead!

Step into the portal!

I've got a job for you
in the past!

♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love
And my hope ♪

♪ And my songs and my faith
My emotions ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ My belief in myself

♪ And my self-confidence

♪ And my deeper emotions

♪ Payback!

♪ My sad, lonely efforts
And strains ♪

♪ My heartache and pain

♪ Dyke Hard!

This is the story
of three friends

at the bottom of
the school hierarchy.

Unexpectedly sharing their fate

with the toughest dyke
in school.

It all started when Peggy
got an idea.

Of course!

I know what we should do!

- Start...
- A...


A band!

Really? You're gonna start
a little baby band?

It's gonna be a cool band,

'cos I'm gonna be in it!

Everybody was afraid of Riff,

even the bullies.

Born to be a rock star,

Riff needed a backup band
that was easy to boss around.

They started raising money,

bought some crappy instruments, and finally Dyke Hard was born.

And before they knew it,
they got their first gig.

It was just at
the local youth club.

But the right people, showed up.

Texas was an agent
for a major record label.

And Dyke Hard got signed!

After that,
things happened pretty fast.

They recorded a single

and snuck it into all
the cool parties.

Soon people couldn't get enough. "Payback" was a big hit!

And almost overnight
Dyke Hard were stars!

Everybody listened to "Payback".

And wherever they went,

they were chased
by devoted fans.

♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love
And my hope ♪

♪ And my songs
And my faith, my emotions ♪

Then came the fights.

They had a hard time
coming up with new material.

Sales went down...

♪ Payback!

...and Dyke Hard
dropped from the charts.

They hit the rock bottom
of rock.

And that's the last
that was ever heard of them.

♪ Payback!

Until now...

Thank you, thank you.

Here's a little song
I wrote the other night...

while I watched your mothers
get undressed.



♪ I have written my own song
- Shut up!

♪ Everybody, come on
Sing along ♪

- You suck!
- Boo!

Who the hell threw that?

Well, fuck you, too!

Come on!

I'm too big for
this place anyway!


Rough night, huh?

Yeah, tell me about it.

Oh, here's something
to cheer you up.

Thanks, Buck.
You're a real doll.

Don't worry, it's on the house.

If you think
you had it bad,

I've slept with every man
in this bar.

I mean look at them!

Thor's such a bore,

Gary, he's too hairy
and Amid is just a kid.

I'm tired of meeting men
in bars.

I'd like to meet men
behind bars.

And now what you've all
have been waiting for.

Our very own Buck Blossom!

Huh? Oh, that's me!

He's a real veterinarian
and specializes in bears!

I guess that's my cue.

Gotta run, dolls.
See ya later!

♪ Gimme good times, baby!

He also makes house calls.


He's got a PhD
in Big and Hairy.

Come on!

Come to Daddy!

You've got a problem,
he's got the cure!

For sure!

But no bare back,
only bear back!

Oh, hey!

Oh! I think you guys
were great!

I've loved "Payback"
since the first time I heard it.

Thank you!

I mean, "Payback",
I mean, I guess

it's our only hit single.

But if we don't come up
with something new that's good,

'cos otherwise we'll be

You already are!

Maybe you should start
your second song

with only drums.

Who asked your opinion anyway?

You're not even in the band!

Hey, I'm just trying to help!
I'm a big fan of yours!




"Pay the parking fee
before Wednesday or else!"

Wednesday! That's tomorrow!


Let's go see Texas.

Yeah, come on!

Being our manager and all,

Texas has to help us.

Hey, Texas!

Did we get any money
from our last gig?

Are you kidding?

You're a bunch
of good-for-nothing losers!

And I've been wasting
my time on you!

I've got bigger fish to fry!

Breakaway pop hits,
reality TV stars...

You know, real talent!

So get out of my face
before I throw you out!

It's over!

Oh, it's such a shitty business.
You have no idea!

Hey, I'm back! I got pizza!

Tex is right.

You guys are a bunch of losers.

Peggy, I'm so sick and tired
of your whining.

And Bandito,

you're not exactly the sharpest
knife in the drawer.

And Scotty,
you're such a nutty nerd.

I can't believe I've stayed
with you guys for so long.

I'm going solo!

Wait! Wait a minute, Riff,

we can change! Riff!

Without Riff we're doomed.

How can someone just
leave like that?

I'm glad Riff quit.

Can't you see
we've been oppressed?

- Come on!

Now we can finally
play the music we like

without getting beaten up.

With no one
to scare away our fans,

we might even get laid!

I guess you're right.

It is awful how Riff
treated that Lola.

But we're going to be nice
to each other and to everybody.

- I'm beat. Let's go to bed.
- Yeah.


Oh, pathetic...

Note to self:

Do not repeat

utilization of this
vehicle for energy recovery.

We must get our caravan
unbarred before tonight!

Good morning!


What happened
to our mobile home?

Ah, Dios mío! My dresses!

Spontaneous combustion!

I never thought I'd witness it
in my lifetime!

My Snaggletooth!

Without my action figures
my retirement funds are...


But the note said Wednesday!

Well, I thought
that meant tonight.

Well, I guess today
is also technically Wednesday.

But I don't think the landlord
could've done this.

We must report this
to the authorities.

They will investigate the matter

Yeah, we should call the cops,
but can we have breakfast first?

Cos I'm starving!

Come on, guys!

No, don't eat me!

I'm just a little bun!

- I will call the police now.
- OK.

What's the matter?
Don't you like buns?

Hey, what's this?

TV is having
a battle of the bands!

The winner gets a contract
with Wolf Records!

Let me see! Let me see!

And 10,000 dollars!
Come on!

Better hurry,
it's only three days away!

Can we please use your phone?

Get back!

What the heck?

I'd like to make an application.

It's Dyke Hard.

Dyke Hard!

- Woo-hoo!
- Yeah!

It begins.

♪ Our love sets me free

Oh my God!
We're gonna be on TV!

But what are we gonna wear?
Do I look OK?


kindly focus your attention
on the road ahead, please!

What did you say?

Jesus Christ!
- Shit!

Can you hear me?

Dawn was a Thai boxer

on the way to
a martial arts tournament

that was being held the same day

as The Battle of the Bands
in the big city.

Luckily Dawn wasn't too badly hurt by the accident,

but was offered a seat
in the car for compensation.

So you're going to
the big city, too.

We'll give you a ride!
Please, don't sue us!

You wouldn't get anything.

We're broke.

And then we used to dress up

and play pirates on the porch!

That was my favorite game
until I was like 13.

I like games, too.

When I was little,

my master used to shoot arrows
at me with a bow.



Prison guard?



I want that job.


Get back
to the 80's, you freak!



Need a ride?
- Wow! Yeah!

Where to?

Any place but this dump.

- I think I can manage that.
- Cool!

- Get in!
- All right!

I've got a terribly
long road ahead of me.

Perhaps hearing your story
will make it shorter.

What's eating you?

It's my band.
I broke up with them.

'Cos they're a bunch of losers.

And now I'm all alone.

Oh, that must feel terrible.

No, I'm better off
without that dead weight.

But there's a big
battle of the bands

in the big city on Saturday,

and I can't be in it.


Because of some stupid contract
with our record label.

That sucks! 'Cos I know,

without those morons
I could be going places.

Well, despite having
just met you,

I'd be delighted to help.

Help me? Why?
You don't even know me.

And besides,
why would anyone help anyone?

You see, I'm an entrepreneur.

I started with two empty hands,
and now...


- Wow!
- You see,

you remind me of myself.

Many years ago I was young,

The whole world was against me.

But then when things
couldn't get any worse,

a stranger appeared
came out of nowhere

and gave me a fresh start.

I never got to thank
that stranger.

So I'd like to repay
the favor to you.

Wow, that's
awfully generous of you, Miss...


Just call me Moira.
Now come on inside.

I'll show you
what I can do for you.


I never got any help
from anyone.

And neither will you,
my "friend".


- Knock knock!
- Who's there?

- Boo!
- Boo who?

Don't cry, I'll take the job.

Very funny.

So, big boy,
you like to play games?


But can you handle
a few bad men?

Let's see if they can handle me.
You see, I'm pretty bad myself.


See what I mean?

Well, all right!

- When can you start?
- Right away, Master!

Show me your ass.

- My ass?
- Yeah.

All right, I'll show you my ass.

Now you're mine!

I can make you a star.

I don't doubt it.

You have way better taste
than my previous manager, Texas.

But how are we gonna get rid of
Dyke Hard before Saturday?

By "get rid of",
what exactly do you mean?

I mean murder!




- With Dyke Hard out of the way,

I would be able to show
my own true solo talent

at The Battle of the Bands!

You are driven, aren't you?

And I appreciate that tenacity
and rugged determinism.

But we must make sure

none of this
can be traced back to you.

You see, murder

would be a terrible blight
on your career.

But with a clean past
you could go from rock star

to movie star,

to business tycoon,

governor or even president!

Oh... Yeah, I knew that.

If we only had a plan.



Invisible door!


Fill 'er up!

- And now for snacks!
- Yeah!

I will locate and utilize
the restroom facilities.

Are you coming, Dawn?
- I'll stay here and contemplate.

What's Dawn contemplating?

I've perceived no indication
of any particular subject.

- No, no.
- No?

As a footnote, however,

I've read that
when performing oral sex

one should write the alphabet
with one's tongue...

until climax is achieved.

Usually around the letter K.

Hm, how?


- How may I help you?
- Do you sell tacos here?

- Certainly, Miss.
- And what about clams?

I'm afraid not,

but there's a fish market
a few miles up the road.

And do you have any... rugs?

"Insert hand".

♪ La, la, la, lesbian

♪ Lesbian girl

♪ You make me feel
So transsexual ♪

Mhm... Maybe you could
give me a call someday

and we could talk some more
about your... work.

- Thank you, come again!
- I think I will... come again.

♪ You make me feel
So transsexual ♪

♪ You make me feel
So ladylike ♪

♪ You turn me into a dyke

Wow! What's all this?

Well, it's a precaution really.

To keep track of jealous
people's pathetic attempts

to stand in my way.

It's like playing detective.

It's like... a hobby of mine.

But come over here,
take a look at this!

The target
Dyke Hard located.


Can you monitor anyone
with these?

- Sure.
- Aha!


So you've got like
a whole private army

with roller skaters,
wrestlers, ninjas...

Well, yes, I do have
all those things...

but I've found that
the cleanest, most reliable way

to get things done

is to do them... yourself.

- You mean you're gonna do it?
- No, I mean you're gonna do it.

That way no one can turn on you
in court

or sell you out to the press.

In fact, I think
your boundless enthusiasm

will make sure that we have
a perfect execution.


Ta da!

Great plan!

Oh, sorry.

My God!

Would you look at
Dawn's action movie routine!

Those toned arms,
that muscular back,

defined six pack...

determined chin.

What a poser!

Wow! I never realized
that Dawn was that hot! Yeah!

They won't know what hit 'em!

Bam! Just like that!
In the middle of nowhere.

Hum... I hope
this car's equipped

with a spare tire
suitable for the season.


I'll go ask for help.

Maybe they can lend us
a spare tire.

That house looks
like a total ghost house.

I wouldn't set my foot in it
for a million dollars.

Dawn has been absent for about
8 minutes and 43 seconds.

I see it as my duty to check out
the status of the expedition.

Scotty! Wait!
Can I come with you?

- Scotty!
- Bandito!

We're staying here! Bandito!


Anybody... home?

Dawn? Dawn?

Ah! Look!


This way!

What's going on here?

Thank God you're all right!
I see you are well!

We just witnessed

an intriguing phenomenon.

You're just imagining

No! They were right here!

I've checked all the floors.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

This place has been abandoned
for a long time.

Maybe we should
spend a night here.

Over my dead body!

Come on, Pegs, you know
we can't afford a motel room!

We'll need...
fire wood, blankets, tools...

And a spare tire would be great.

Let's split up and see
what we can find. OK?

Scotty, we need to find
blankets and wood now!

You can play the piano later.

Come to me!

Come to me!

Come to me!


What a dump!


Getting warmer!

Now that's what
I'm talkin' about!

My own tool belt!




Ow! Ow! That's too hot!



Oh... shiny.

No one will notice.



A regular job?

♪ La, la, la
Lesbian ♪

Yes! Um...

♪ Lesbian girl

You naughty,
naughty ghost!

I guess someone's been here.

Well, they're not here now.

I need to find the others.

Holy moly!

Thank you!


Dawn, do I look like someone

who'll end up
working in a regular job?

- No!
- Forever?

You look like
a talented musician

with a flawless complexion.

But where are the others?

Dawn! Peggy!
This place is haunted for real!

OK, group, it's just a few hours
until dawn.



Let's stick together
and wait this one out.


My master taught me
some protective spells.

You did it!

- Oh, stand back, evil temptress!
- Who are you talking to?

Well, well, well, so...

You think you can outsmart me!

Ha, ha, ha!

We'll see about that!

what do you think
about my twins?

Just stay in the circle!

♪ My name is Morgana

♪ I'm wet as a lake

♪ I'll make you go banana

♪ When you eat my juicy cake

♪ I have two little helpers

♪ They don't bark
But they bite ♪

♪ And if they lose
Their tempers ♪

♪ You won't survive this night

♪ When I was still alive

♪ I stayed away
From fornication ♪

♪ I believed what I was told
About hell and all that ♪

♪ But when I was 42

♪ I finally saw the light

♪ Someone managed
To seduce me ♪

♪ And it opened up my eyes

♪ But too late

♪ It was too late now

♪ Too late

♪ It was much too late

♪ The day after
My sexual awakening ♪

♪ In the evening

♪ I slipped upon a cowpat

♪ And I fell into a well

♪ I hit my head
I ended up dead ♪

♪ And I yelled to the Reaper

♪ "Don't take me just yet."

♪ But he wouldn't listen

♪ And I sank down
To the bottom ♪

♪ But I wasn't done

♪ With carnal pleasures yet

♪ I rejected the pearly gates

♪ For a pair of tits

♪ I was distracted from
The path of light ♪

♪ Now I linger
In limbo's night ♪

♪ Forever fretting
My wasted life ♪

♪ Forever cursing
Religious lies ♪

♪ My fury is as great
As my sexual... ♪

I'm scared!

♪ ...frustration!

You haven't seen
the last of me yet.

This is the police!

We have surrounded the house!
Uh? Hey!

Wake up, Scotty!

You have 10 seconds to come out!

- Put your hands on your head!
- What's going on?

Ten, nine, eight...

...seven, six...

Psst! Whose guitar is this?

Please refrain from exploring
unidentified objects.




- Who's that?
- A corpse!

I've never seen you before.

Put your hands up!

Put your hands up!

There's a misunderstanding!

We've never seen
this person before!

Save your explanation
for the judges.

Will we not be read our rights?

I'm led to believe that this is
the correct procedure! Ow!

That only happens in movies!

Now move it!

Come on!

On the trailer! Let's go!

You ain't so tough now, are you?

Is this yours?


Where did you get
that guitar?

I found it!

You always wanted to play guitar
instead of bass, right?

- It's yours.
- Well, it is pretty glamorous.

How long
has the subject been dead?

Oh my God, what a smell!


That's right!

- You drive.
- Yeah.

I'll keep an eye
on the prisoners.

I'm gonna drive the car!


The trap has sprung!

The sword of Damocles
has finally fallen!

Oh, how I've waited so long
for this moment!

Dyke Hard are mine! Mine!

You could always use a strap-on

if you're feeling insufficient.

Yeah, true.

Size doesn't really matter.
It's what you do with it.

Yeah, I guess you're right,
but I often feel like--

I think it's time
for coffee now.

- OK.
- Let's go.


Bigger is always better!

And soon I'm going to be
the biggest of them all!

Using science,

Riff was transformed
into a deceased dead person.

Framing the band for murder!

They'd survived
the terrors of the night.

But now they faced
a whole new horror.

On Death Row.

- Come on, come on.
- I'll make you my bitch in here.

Smoke up.

The warden is coming!

Everybody get up!
The warden is coming!


- Who's coming?
- I'm coming!


- Put that one in The Hole!
- Help! Let me go!


Today we've received
some new playmates.

No, I mean inmates.


Welcome to my prison!

what have we here?

Win! Win! Win!


Why you...
- No, no. Shh!

She's not worth it.

The rules are simple.

All misbehavior will be punished

according to my inspiration!

♪ Jailbirds of all genders

♪ Dwell in my cells

♪ Some try to cast a spell

♪ But sorry
That won't help! ♪

♪ You're in My private collection of thugs ♪

♪ Before you know it

♪ You'll be pissing in mugs

♪ If you just want a hug

♪ You're welcome in my office

♪ And while going at it

♪ You should also eat my rug

♪ I am role modeling
For you all ♪

♪ I am your big mama here
And I'm tall ♪

♪ Obedience takes time

♪ And that I sure have plenty

♪ If you got sentenced
Ten years ♪

♪ I think I give you 20

♪ Now give me some
Jailhouse rock!

♪ Behind bars
That's where you're at ♪

♪ Ball and chain
You can't argue with that ♪

♪ Whatever you do

♪ Don't mess with Cellblock H

♪ They're gonna lock you up

♪ In a special cage

♪ You walk the straight
And narrow ♪

♪ Under my protective wing

♪ You can't escape
There's no such thing ♪

♪ And when I tell you so

♪ You have got to sing

♪ I am the prison warden

♪ I tend my savage garden

♪ Paint my picture
Write my memoirs ♪

♪ Pose for my camera
Light my cigar ♪

♪ La, la la...

♪ La, la, la

Don't worry, guys,
we're innocent.

We'll be all right.

Didn't you see
the other prisoners, man?

They'll eat us alive!

The noble art... of Muay Thai...

will keep us safe
in this hell hole.

I'll teach you.

You've got to be kidding.


Now drop and give me twenty!


Now drop.

"Get a haircut,"
that's what Mama always said.

Oh, I love you, Mama.



Not bad.

Are you ready?

I'm gonna show you around.

Make sure those pants
are on tight!

Let's go!

How long have you been here,

All my life.
Born and raised.

So this is the prison gym.

- Hey, Gita, who's the puppy?
- Shut up!

You seen enough? Come on!
- Uh, no.

So this is
where the prisoners shower.

Not much to see here.

Do you mind if I give them
some correctional aid?

Hey, handsome,
you missed a spot.

Come on!

Well, my work is done here.

Here we keep the prisoners
awaiting trial.

We got a real nasty group
in there right now.

- Killed an old innocent man.
- Really? How?

With their bare hands.

Take a good look at
those freaks.

Hey, what's up?

All right, all right.
I'm new here.

Dyke Hard!
Buck Blossom!

You've gotta help us
out of here.

We're innocent!


- I'll see what I can do.
- Hey! Don't get too friendly!

Those bastards
are gonna fry soon.

See you later.

There must be
big bribes involved.

Because this state usually
don't have death penalty.

What's this?

That's the solitary ward.

- You don't want to go in there.
- Why?

There's only one prisoner
who's been there for 7 years.

They call it "The Beast".

It was more animal than man,
and the zoo couldn't keep it.

I have to see it!

- Can I go in?
- Whatever rocks your boat.

Oh... I smell bad man.

Oh my!

I've been waiting for you
all my life.

Big, big bad beast.

♪ I've been looking
I've been searching ♪

♪ For a man to love

♪ I've searched across
The seven seas ♪

♪ And I've cruised down
Every pub ♪

♪ But for every man
I've been with ♪

♪ For every single kiss

♪ I've realized
There are some things ♪

♪ In my heart
That I still miss ♪

♪ My heart's a lock
And there's no key ♪

♪ I've been wondering
What is Wrong with me ♪

♪ But suddenly
To my big surprise ♪

♪ He's there catching me

♪ With them brown eyes

♪ He can top me, I can tell

♪ I receive him in my well

♪ My days of dominating guys
Are through ♪


♪ And now all I want to do
Is be with you ♪

♪ Submission
Is the greatest gift ♪

♪ And all that

♪ But without your domination

♪ My submission
Falls down flat ♪

♪ Leather, latex
Drugs and ropes ♪

♪ Whips and clips
And smelly dopes ♪

♪ Leather, latex
Drugs and ropes ♪

♪ Whips and clips
And smelly dopes ♪

♪ We are gonna have
So much fun together ♪

♪ We're gonna share our love

♪ And all our lust forever

♪ We can live together
On the North Pole ♪

♪ In the middle of the country
Or a deep, dark hole ♪

♪ I'll be your bitch
And drive you mad ♪

♪ You'll be my man and spank me When I'm bad ♪

♪ Leather, latex
Drugs and ropes ♪

♪ Whips and clips
And smelly dopes ♪

♪ Leather, latex
Drugs and ropes ♪

♪ Whips and clips
And smelly dopes... ♪

♪ Submission
Is the greatest gift ♪

♪ And all that

♪ But without your domination

♪ My submission
Falls down flat ♪

♪ Sometimes
We will go out and... ♪

♪ We're gonna play around
With others ♪

♪ You and me we will always be

♪ Returning to each other's...

♪ Sometimes
We will go out and... ♪

♪ We're gonna play around
With others ♪

♪ You and me we will always be

♪ Returning to
Each other's arms ♪

Hey, wake up!
Time for lunch!

Oh yeah, sure!
I'm coming.

The lunch break is short
as it is!

I'm gonna get you out
of this cage.

Woo! Ah!

Break those chains, baby!

Yeah, come on, come on!



The Beast! The Beast is loose!


In case of riot,

this prison has a complicated
system of sedative gas

but I brought my own recipe
of seductive gas.

- Oh!
- Go away! Go away!

Goddamn it!
Who let The Beast out?

This is Armageddon!
Judgment Day!

Shut up, you fucking freak!

No, no.

Lift me up!

Order! Order!

I'm gonna set an example!

Did you see?

I quit!

Release the gas!

Gas released.


You! You!
Obscene behavior!

Oh, my God!


I've got it! I'm horny!

Take me! Take me to heaven!

Oh, how I've longed
for this beast.


Please don't stop.

I know you'd go for anything,
but safe sex, that's my style.

Wow, wow, wow!

Listen up, jailbirds!

Why don't you hump that wall!

I can't wait to see this!






Oh, my God!

They're gonna hump
the walls apart!

Hump! Hump!

Moira, we've got a problem!

Dykes! Dykes!

There's been a big riot
in prison!

I've got to get you
out of here, huh!


You're a sweetheart,

Oh, yeah, you're gonna get us
out of here, man!

Oh, thank you!
- We don't have time for this.

Run! Run for your lives!

Yeah, is this the police?

I want to report a prison break.

Who am I?

I'm just a concerned citizen.

Where's... Scotty?


Scotty, we've got to go!




It's Jennifer.

It's ruined.
My plan is ruined.

You own half the city.

You got the Nobel Peace Prize

and Queen Elizabeth clearly
has the hots for you.

Can't you just forget about them

and go on
with your fabulous life?

But Jessica,
don't you understand?

It's always been about this,
about getting back at...

But perhaps...

Perhaps it's not over.

I've been trying
to send them to hell.

Let's see how they fare
in... heaven.



I need you to contact
an old friend of mine.


I think we lost them.

Hey guys!


It's the senior
citizen's killers.

Go and get them!

You two!
Cover that area!

The fuzz!



Evidence... of rock'n'roll.


We've got to split up!
It'll confuse them!

It's our only chance!



Where did they go?

I don't know!

But wherever they are,

- we're gonna find 'em.
- Yeah.


Look, the redhead
and the athlete, too!

Darling, are you OK?
Yeah. Let's get 'em.

when we were younger?

- We were much faster.
- I'd say.

Do you see anything?

They're getting away!

What are you waiting for?
Come on!

- Your gun, sugar.
- Thanks, darling.

We'll see about that.

Peggy! Watch out!

Peggy! Jump!


I think we're safe now.

Do you hear that?
It's the highway.

They got away.

Don't bet on it.

You okay, Peggy?

Hey, isn't that Bandito
and Scotty?

I think so.
- Come on!

Kindly mount
the motorized vehicles.

- What?
- Do you know these guys?

Just get on the bike, Dyke!

♪ Let's go!

Goddamn senior citizen killers!

♪ Speeding down the motor way

♪ Let slow life pass us by

♪ Another mile, another day

♪ Some action in our lives

♪ We're on our way

♪ Living for today

♪ C'mon let's go, let go!

♪ C'mon let's go, let go!

♪ C'mon let's go, let go!

♪ Let go!

♪ Engines screaming
Red hot rage ♪

♪ The government's not
That high ♪

♪ Speed crazed racer
Rip my mind ♪

♪ You know we're gonna
Hit the sky ♪

♪ We make our move

♪ And you know we never lose

♪ C'mon let's go, let go!

♪ C'mon let's go, let go!

The bikers
were going to a biker rally

on an old landing strip
in the woods.

They dropped the band off
at a cute little cabin,

and told them
to take shelter there.

Attention, please.

May I inform you...

that The Battle of the Bands
and Dawn's tournament

both start coincidentally
in 21.2 hours.

And we still have
500 kilometers to go.

Look, we've all been through
a lot today

and we have no money.

If this person is nice,

maybe we can sleep
in the barn tonight.

And then we can
take the afternoon to relax

and to prepare mentally
for tomorrow.

Sounds good to me.
My legs are all wobbly.

] Well,
don't just stand there.

Come on in.

You all must be hungry
and tired.

- Uh-huh.
- This way.

A pleasure
doing business with you.


And that's how
the elephant got its long nose.

And the leopard, its dots.

That was a wonderful story.

Hey, can't you guys play
one of your songs for Granny?

Hm... I suppose.

But we don't have
a lead singer.

What about you, Dawn?

Do you like to sing?

I never tried, but actually
I wrote a poem today.

Maybe we can turn it
into a song.



At the end of
the Long winding road

Through the woods
There's a light shining bright

♪ At the end of
The long winding road ♪

♪ Through the woods

♪ There's a light
Shining bright ♪

♪ There's a cottage
Full of love ♪

♪ There's a harbor
For our hearts ♪

♪ Never more will we
Ever have to fight ♪

♪ Granny's house

♪ Mm mm

♪ Things will be all right
In Granny's house ♪

♪ Ah oh ah

♪ Granny's house

♪ Mm mm

♪ Everything is fine
In Granny's house ♪

♪ Ah oh ah

♪ We can be a family

♪ This can be a paradise

♪ Granny, where've you been
All my life? ♪

♪ We belong to thee

♪ We'll do chores
Around the house ♪

♪ And we'll keep you company

♪ Granny, where have you been
All my life? ♪

♪ We belong to thee

♪ Granny's house

♪ Mm mm

♪ Things will be
All right in Granny's house ♪

♪ Granny's house

♪ Mm mm

♪ Everything is fine
In Granny's house ♪

♪ Ah oh ah



Oh, you children
are so talented.

And if you stick together,
I just know you'll go far.



Come here. Hmm.

Let's go.

Here, wear this.

I want you inside me.

- Good morning, youngsters.
- Good morning, Granny.

Did you sleep well?


Looks like my previous
assumptions were correct.

Oh, zip it, Scotty!
Can't you see they're in love?

Who's that?

It's Lola!
From Buck's bar!

With our car!

Hey! Hurry up, guys!

Battle of the Bands
starts in three hours!

I've pimped your ride.

But I wanna help
Granny paint the barn!

And I wanna help Granny
mow the lawn!

I wanna do it again with Dawn!

Let's just stay here,
this is paradise!

Are you guys insane?

Your chance of a lifetime
is within reach!

And you're just gonna throw
that away or what?

- It's my fault.
- No, it isn't.

Let me speak.

I'm not...

- Well, I'm not what I seem.
- Uh-uh.

I knew that you were coming.

I even have detailed information

of your interests
and your favorite food.

I was paid...

to detain you.

Make you miss your concert.

And I trusted you.

Who paid you?

- Moira.
- Who?

You don't know?

Why are you telling us this now?

Because I don't want to help
Moira ruin your life any more.

You changed my mind with
your beautiful song yesterday.

This Moira sounds like an awful,
jealous, evil person.

Why help someone like that?

Well, Moira is also
the saddest person I ever met.

Always surrounded by people,
yet hopelessly alone.

But now your friend Lola is here
like sent from heaven.

You must go with Lola.

Corrupt or not,

I still don't ever
want to leave you, Granny.

I'll always be here for you.

Now go.

Goodbye, Scotty.
And Peggy.

My thoughts will be with you.

Take care of them, Dawn.



Et tu, Granny!
Where is your loyalty?

I thought we were like,
not friends, but something.

I see it now.

My plans, they were too simple,
too small.

I've gotta think bigger!

If I can't kill them...

and I can't pacify them...

I'll humiliate them
in front of the whole world.

Ah, Riff, I was just gonna
sell you out to the cops

as soon as the dirty work
was done,

but now I will make you a star!

Here comes Dyke Hard!


♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love
And my hope and my songs ♪

♪ And my faith, my emotions

♪ Payback!

♪ My belief in myself
And my self-confidence... ♪

When I found out,
you finally got rid of Riff,

I decided to devote
this summer to you, guys.

You're great musicians,
but you need better management.

I'll handle things from now on.

Here! Put these on!

It's your new costumes!

You can't go on stage
in those rags.

Yeah, guys! Woo-hoo!

You must check me in,
I'm paying for this, you know!

I'm sorry, but you're not
in the papers, you know.

I'm not responsible for that.

♪ La, la, la
Lesbian ♪

- Hi.
- Hi.

I would like to check in
Dyke Hard.

Dyke Hard!

Hum.... Um...

Sorry, hot stuff, but there's
no such name in my papers.

Then I'll file an application
for Dyke Hard right now.

That's a cool name!

Mhm... The intake
is actually closed, but--

- I'm gonna get you fired.
- Yeah, yeah.

But if you promise not
to tell anyone...

- Ow...
- I'll sneak you in! Yeah!

Am I OK?

There's been a riot,

and it's double booked,
for some reason.

Nobody knows.

No comment.

No comment.

I'm afraid there's been
an unfortunate misunderstanding,

this venue has been
double booked

both for
TV's Battle of the Bands

and The Martial Arts Tournament.

The organizers are trying
to work out a solution

as we speak.

- What the hell!
- No!

Excuse me!

I got something to say.
What? Who's that?

I am a Thai boxer,

but I've opened my heart
to music.

I represent a dojo of fighters
who up until a few days ago

had never heard of a round kick
or an upper cut.

They were musicians,
and I taught them how to fight.

I'm a fighter.
But they taught me how to sing.


These last few days

have been the most important
days of my life.

I've learned about acceptance,

friendship, betrayal
and forgiveness.

And I've found love.

Tonight, right here,

I believe fate
brought us all together

to learn from each other
and to open our minds.

And if we can find it
in our hearts

to share this space together,

we will witness something
entirely new

that will change
our lives forever.



The organizers have decided
to work together.

I hereby declare the first
martial arts

and music festival
officially open!


Are you happy?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Well, well, well!
Hello, hello, everybody!

Welcome to the world's first
rock and sports festival.

♪ Dance the night

We're here
as sports commentators.

Breaking, it's called.

You learn something new
every day.

Hot damn!
Now that's what I call karate!

And now for tonight,
the most expensive act.

It is Riff Painful
and the Poodle Rockers!

There's a rumor
that a mysterious billionaire

is behind Riff's solo career.

The Big M's landed.

Yay! Hello morons!

What a fucking lame answer!
- "Are you ready to rock?"

You better be.

Riff is barking orders
at these kids,

but will they buy it?

♪ Survival of the fittest

♪ I eat Superman for breakfast

♪ I crush the weak
Under my heel ♪

♪ I show no mercy
I'm made of steel ♪

♪ God ask permission

♪ The devil keep on wishin'

♪ Zie could be as mighty as me

♪ I'm your Number One

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I'm the best one around

♪ Yeah, yeah
I'm your Number One ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I'm the queen of this town

♪ The queen of this town...

So that was why Riff quit
the band.


I hope the Poodles
are treated good.

You used to know Riff?

- This show is kinda cool.
- Cool? Ah!

♪ I'm the ayatollah

♪ Of rock and rollah!

♪ There's no competition
In this world ♪

♪ My music makes
Your pubic hair curl ♪

♪ No one can beat me

OK, guys,
it's time to get on stage.

Are you ready?

- Excuse me. You're Dawn, right?
- Yes.

You're here to defend your belt
against Killer Queen?

Yeah, but I'm also here to play
with my band, Dyke Hard.

Oh, I'm sorry, but there's only
one act per person.

You've kinda got to choose.

Then I play with my band.

I've done enough
fighting today.


♪ I'm your Number One

Ah! I spent
a fortune on this show

and now they don't even like it!

They can't be allowed
to go on stage and win.


Send in the ninjas.

Peggy! What are you waiting for?

Your speech was really great.

You're truly a born leader.

I just spoke my mind.
Round One!

- Fight!
- Scotty! We've got company!

Oh no! Ninjas!

- Ninja challenge!
- To the death!

These guys must watch
a lot of movies.

Let's give 'em a live show!

Take that!

Thai boxing...

"Windmill" Johansson!

Damn it!

Well, if they want to play
it that way!

And the winner is...

Send in the roller derby.

- Win!
- Recognize!

Wait! A ninja conspiracy.

But for what purpose?



Cannonball wrestling Blue Demon!

Peggy! Look out!


Must I do everything myself.

♪ We belong

♪ Together in this...

OK, this is it, Dykes.
Are you ready?

Let's get it on!


Go, Pegs!

Hello, Peggy! Long time no see!

Who are you?

Hey, knock it off!

This is none of your business.
Stay out of it!

I've met you before


♪ Sitting in the corner
Feeling blue ♪


Moira! It is you!

Oh, you suddenly remember my
name now!

How flattering!

You're the one who paid Granny
to keep us out of here!

Why did you do that?
We used to be band mates!

We used to be amigas!

Amigas? You mean friends?

You didn't even notice me!

None of you did.
You all forgot me.

Completely and totally.

As if I didn't exist,

as if I hadn't been there
from the very beginning.

- Start...
- A...



But we're not like that anymore.

- We're really sorry.
- You are?


Can't we end this
without bloodshed?

How do you make up
for a ruined self-esteem?

cognitive behavioral therapy

couldn't fix it!

I know Riff was the real bully,
but you all had friendship.

And you wouldn't even share it!

You're right.

We were blind and selfish.

But we were abused, too.

Riff constantly
tried to break us down

with her bossy ways.

But along the way
we got caught up in a lie.

A Lie of acceptance and hell,
maybe even a promise of fame.

And we... left you behind.

I think we all learned
our lesson.

We're sorry.

Can't you come back to the band?

How do I know
you won't just treat me

like shit again?

We promise!

You put us through a lot
and rightfully so.

You've gotten your revenge.

Now it's time for you to heal.

I think the best way is
by letting us show you

the love and respect

that you always deserved.

Oh, Moira!

And the last act
tonight is...

Dyke Hard!

Hey! That song, "Payback".

It was you who wrote it,
wasn't it?

I did.

That song was a warning.

It was a cry for help.

We get it...


But... won't you...
well... with us?



But what do I play?


That's about as much
as you can use a guitar

within the limits of law.


All set?
- Don't embarrass yourself.

Wow, looks like Riff didn't
get enough of that microphone

last time round.

You don't want to listen to
this shit, these losers.

Get off the stage!

We all know I'm the winner,
so why don't we just...

I'll be damned!

It's starting
to resemble rock'n'roll!

I'm from the future.
I will destroy you!

Come on!

Ah! My cyborg plan!

I forgot all about that.

Now you will feel

real pain!

Now you die!
- Take shelter!

You die!

Again! Again!

I love you!

I love you, too!

Come to me!

Holy shit! They like fused!

It's okay now!

I love you!

Love yourselves!

What a touching paradox!

- Can we play now?
- Yeah!

Come on, Moira!

Well, after a quite convincing
futuristic stage show

the band is now ready to play.

Dyke Hard!

♪ We've been through
Rain and snow ♪

♪ Wind and water

♪ Much too long

♪ By yourself
You might be strong ♪

♪ Together, together

♪ Together...

♪ We... belong

♪ Friendship forever

♪ That's the way to go

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ No matter what, you know

♪ Friendship forever

♪ Together we stand tall

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ To catch you if you fall

♪ We have learned our lessons
You and I ♪

♪ Never more any disrespect
Or lies ♪

♪ We belong

♪ Together in this world

♪ Insecurity turned to harmony

♪ Grain of sand
Turns into pearls ♪

♪ Friendship forever

♪ That's the way to go

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ No matter, don't you know

♪ Friendship forever

♪ Together we stand tall

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ To catch you if you fall

♪ We've been through

♪ Hell and back

♪ Thick and thin
Too much to tell ♪

♪ One thing
We've learned this far ♪

♪ Is together...

♪ Together

♪ Together

♪ We belong

♪ Friendship forever

♪ That's the way to go

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ No matter, don't you know

♪ Friendship forever

♪ Friendship forever

♪ That's where we begin

♪ When you've got a friend

♪ Together you can
Together you can ♪

♪ Together you can sing

And so the band
was all together again.

Just like I'd always dreamed of.

Buck Blossom
and The Beast got married.

And we all lived
happily ever after.

♪ That's the way to go

♪ I'll be there for you

♪ No matter what, you know

What did I do to get
rid of all that?

I said "yes"!

And what did I say "yes" to?
Love! Yeah!

Perhaps you wanna try
Barbara's job?

Sure thing! Can you hold this?

Visiting your boyfriend, huh?
Is he as bad as me?

Oh, I almost forgot!

The Queen has called
and wants you to call back.

Thank you, Pamela.

This is gonna be awesome.

Oh, children.

Don't weep for me, Jessica.

I shall forge on,
ever the bastion of melancholy.

I'll endure.

And then...

Well, I'm sure
it'll only hurt for a minute.

I've been told that
the electric chair's

the most humane method.

♪ You never see me

♪ You never listen

♪ You're busy
With your giant egos ♪

♪ I've changed my mind

♪ About you and your crew

♪ I don't wanna be part of you

♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love
And my hope ♪

♪ And my songs and my faith
My emotions ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ My belief in myself

♪ And my self-confidence

♪ And my deeper emotions

♪ Payback!

♪ My sad, lonely efforts
And strains ♪

♪ My heartache and pain

Don't forget to do that thing
in the place with you-know-who.

So, when exactly
are you gonna make me famous?

All in good time, Riff.

We must give your stardom
a fresh start.

Do the real work
of the music industry:

focus groups
and marketing strategies.

Let's be adults for once,
shall we?

That's what I always say!

♪ Then I'll get
Wonderful vengeance ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ Revenge will be mine

♪ I'll wait

♪ I'll get vengeance

♪ Payback!

♪ Revenge will be mine

♪ Payback!

♪ My time and my love
And my hope ♪

♪ And my songs and my faith
My emotions ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ My belief in myself

♪ And my self-confidence
My deeper emotions ♪

♪ Payback!

♪ My sad, lonely efforts
And strains ♪

♪ My heartache and pain

♪ I have written my own song

♪ Everybody, come on
Sing along ♪

♪ And the song
It goes like this ♪

♪ Come on, baby
Give me a kiss ♪

Hey, what are you guys doing?

- Nothing.
- Well, stop it!

It's right through the bushes!
Beware of the cruising lesbians!

Can we take a break?

Sure, honey.