Dying Laughing (2016) - full transcript

[CHRIS ROCK]
WE ARE THE LAST
PHILOSOPHERS.

EVERYBODY NOW
THAT TALKS

IS READING FROM
A PRE-APPROVED SCRIPT.

YOU KNOW, EVEN OUR
"ALLEGED" SMART PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW,
ARE CORPORATELY
CONTROLLED.

YOU KNOW, SO THERE'S ONLY
ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE

THAT KINDA SAY
WHAT THEY WANNA SAY.

STAND UPS.

[BILLY CONNOLLY]
I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL
THAT AT ONE END

OF THE SOCIAL SIDE
OF SOCIETY

THERE'S THIS CROWD
OF NUTTERS



WHO'LL TALK ABOUT HAVING SEX
WITH YOUR MOTHER

AND DYING
AND SALT AND CLOUDS

AND RUNNING ABOUT NAKED.

AND TALKING ABOUT
VENEREAL DISEASE AND CANCER
AND POLITICS.

I THINK
IT'S ONLY POETRY

THAT COMES UP
TO THE SAME ESTEEM.

IT'S BEYOND ART.

IT'S A MAGIC TRICK,
YOU KNOW.

REAL MAGIC.

[PAUL PROVENZA]
WE'RE ASKING A ROOM FULL
OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE

TO HAVE AN INVOLUNTARY
PHYSICAL RESPONSE

SIMULTANEOUSLY.

IT'S FUCKING WEIRD.

[SARA SILVERMAN]
YOU WANT TO PLEASE
THE AUDIENCE,



BECAUSE THAT'S WHY
YOU DO STAND UP

IS 'CAUSE OF SOME
FUCKED UP NEED INSIDE OF YOU

TO, TO HAVE APPROVAL
BY STRANGERS.

[KEVIN HART]
I HAVE TO GET ON STAGE.

THAT SERVES
A VALUABLE PURPOSE
IN MY LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE TO DO.

IT'S MY,
IT'S MY MUSE.

IT MAKES, IT CALMS ME,
IT PUTS ME AT EASE.

I DON'T, I CAN GO ONSTAGE
AND JUST TALK ABOUT ANYTHING,

AND I GET
AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE.

WHEN YOU'RE A COMEDIAN,
YOU'RE AUTHOR,

YOU'RE DIRECTOR,
YOU'RE ACTOR.

WHAM! IT IS EITHER
FULL APPROVAL

OR FULL DISAPPROVAL
ON YOUR ESSENCE

ON WHAT
YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE

AND HOW YOU
REALLY SEE LIFE.

JOKES ARE MEANT
TO BE TOLD

NO MATTER WHAT,
IN THE, IN THE EYE OF THE STORM,

YOU GOTTA TELL THAT JOKE.

YOU GOTTA TELL IT
BECAUSE YOU WANNA,

YOU, YOU, YOU WANNA BE DANGEROUS,

YOU WANNA MOVE, YOU KNOW,
THE, THE NEEDLE.

THE FUN IS THAT
WHEN YOU RISK

AND IT SCORES,

IT'S HALLELUJAH.

[CLAPPING]

[JERRY]
THE FIRST TIME YOU GO ONSTAGE,
YOU HAVE NO IDEA

HOW HARSH AN ENVIRONMENT
IT ACTUALLY IS.

AND, 'CAUSE WHEN
YOU WATCH COMEDIANS,

WHEN YOU DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT,

IT SEEMS LIKE THE AUDIENCE
IS KINDA HAVING

A GOOD TIME ANYWAY.

AND THIS GUY COMES ON
AND HE SAYS SOME FUNNY THINGS,

AND THEN THEY HAVE
AN EVEN BETTER TIME.

THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT,
WHAT'S HAPPENING, AT ALL.

UH, WHAT'S HAPPENING
IS NOTHING.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

IT IS DEAD, SOLID,

QUIET, ROOM
OF UNHAPPY PEOPLE.

AND YOU HAVE TO START
FROM THAT.

[MALE INTERVIEWER]

NO.

AND I'M ALWAYS JEALOUS
OF THESE PEOPLE,

THE FIRST TIME
IT WAS AMAZING.

MINE WAS
A HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE
WHERE I BELIEVE

I LEFT MY BODY AND WET MYSELF
AT THE SAME TIME.

I DON'T THINK
THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE

IN, LIKE,
A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT
AND THAT HAPPENED.

I HAD WRITTEN ALL THIS MATERIAL,
I FORGOT ALL OF IT,

AND I IMMEDIATELY
WENT TO THIS KIND OF LIKE,

SHUTDOWN MODE,
AND I WAS BABBLING,

JUST BASICALLY BABBLING
LIKE A SHELLSHOCK,

LIKE, BA-DA,
YOU KNOW.

AND AFTERWARDS,
YOU KNOW,

THE CROWD MAYBE GAVE ME
A COUPLE OF PITY CLAPS,

THAT WAS IT.

AND I REMEMBER
JUST LIKE IN A FOETAL POSITION

IN MY BED
AND MY MOM GOING,
"WHAT'S WRONG?"

AND I'M LIKE,
"I'M GOOD AT NOTHING."

I REMEMBER
JUST TELLING HER THAT.
"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING."

I JUST KINDA
FELL INTO IT.

BECAUSE I WOULD WATCH
THE AMATEUR NIGHTS.

I'D GO, "THESE PEOPLE
ARE HORRIBLE."

YOU KNOW,
IF THEY CAN DO IT,
I CAN DO IT.

AND THEN
I WENT UP THERE,

AND I WAS WORSE
THAN THEM.

I MEAN,
I WAS LITERALLY UP THERE
AND I STARTED,

LIKE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

AND I STARTED,
I REMEMBER JUST MAKING NOISES.

LIKE, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T
EVEN KNOW WHAT...

AYE, YA, AYE, YA.
YOU KNOW?

I COULDN'T EVEN GET THROUGH
WHAT I HAD PLANNED TO DO

WHICH WAS ONLY ABOUT
FIVE MINUTES OF THINGS.

I WAS SO SHOCKED
AND ROCKED

BY THE DENSITY OF THE AIR
IN THE ROOM.

AND YOU FEEL THE MOOD
OF THE ROOM.

IT'S JUST
THIS CEMENT BLOCK.

AND I JUST,

I JUST LEFT THAT NIGHT
AND I WAS...

DEVASTATED.

THERE WAS ABOUT SIX PEOPLE
'CAUSE IT WAS RAINING

AND I JUST DIED
ON MY ARSE

AND SOME GUY
YELLED SOMETHING LIKE,

"GO BACK TO SCHOOL"
OR SOMETHING.

IT WAS SOMETHING
REALLY FLIMSY LIKE THAT.

ANYWAY,
IN THE RAIN,

WE DROVE BACK
AND MY DAD WENT,

"YEAH WELL, YOU'RE A,
YOU'RE GOOD AT A LOT OF
DIFFERENT THINGS.

-THIS IS A...
-[INTERVIEWER LAUGHING]

THIS PROBABLY
ISN'T A THING FOR YOU.

BUT YOU ENJOY IT
AS SOME TYPE OF HOBBY,

THEN, UH, YEAH,
WELL, IT CAN'T HURT REALLY.

YOU KNOW, IT COULD HURT
YOUR SELF-ESTEEM, SURE."

I GO TO AUDITION
FOR LUCIAN

AND, UH, I, I, KILLED.

I THOUGHT THE SET
WAS AMAZING.

YOU KNOW, HE, HE WAS A
COMEDY CLUB OWNER,

AND THESE GUYS
WOULD WATCH YOU

AND THEN THEY''D
TAKE YOU IN THE BACK

AND TELL YOU IF YOU COULD MAYBE
WORK IN THEIR CLUB OR NOT.

I GO INTO THE BACK
AND I'M SITTING DOWN
AND I'M LIKE 21.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, MAN,
I JUST WANT TO SAY, THANK YOU.

THIS IS COOL, MAN."
DA, DA, DA, YOU KNOW.

"YOU LET ME COME HERE
AND AUDITION."

HE'D TALKED LIKE THIS,
HE WAS LIKE,

"WELL, KEVIN, UM...

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

I DIDN'T SEE IT TONIGHT.

I'M LIKE, "SEE WHAT?
WHAT, WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"POTENTIAL."
HE SAYS TO MY FACE.

"POTENTIAL.

I DON'T THINK
YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES
TO BE A COMEDIAN."

I SAID, "GODDAMN!
TO MY FACE?"

IT WAS VERY, VERY EARLY
IN MY CAREER

I BECAME AWARE
OF THE POWER OF LAUGHTER,

ACTUALLY I THOUGHT
I WAS A FOLK SINGER AT THE TIME,

AND I WAS ONSTAGE
WITH MY BANJO

I WAS SO FRAUGHT WITH NERVES

THAT I FORGOT THE WORDS
HALFWAY THROUGH

AFTER PLAYING THOSE,
I WAS PLAYING IT QUITE WELL

AND SINGING IT
QUITE WELL,

AND THEN SUDDENLY,
THE BLANK CAME.

I THOUGHT, "OH, JESUS,
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?"

SO I SAID, "I'M, I'M SORRY.
I FORGOTTEN THE WORDS."

SO I STARTED TO TELL THEM
WHAT THE SONG WAS ABOUT

IN MY NERVOUS WAY.

AND THEY STARTED
TO TITTER AND LAUGH
AND SCREAM.

IT ENDED UP
THEY WERE ROARING
WITH LAUGHTER.

AND I THOUGHT, "OH.

I LIKE THAT NOISE."

AS I REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME

I WAS AWARE
OF HOW IT FELT

TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH
AND THAT WAS,

I WAS AT COLLEGE.

I STARTED DOING
THESE FUNNY VOICES

AND HALF ROUTINES,
VERY KIND OF,

UH, I'LL-CRAFTED STUFF,

AND THEY LAUGHED A LOT.

AND I,
AND I, I'LL NEVER FORGET

THAT FEELING OF MAKING
A CROWD OF PEOPLE LAUGH.

'CAUSE WHEN I WENT
OFFSTAGE,

I, I JUST REMEMBER THINKING,

"THAT WAS SO EXCITING.
THAT FELT SO GOOD.

I REALLY,
I HAVE TO DO THAT AGAIN.

I WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN."

AND THEN I SPENT
THREE MONTHS,

AND I WROTE
A WHOLE NEW SET
OF THINGS

THAT I THOUGHT
WERE FUNNY.

AND I GOT ONSTAGE
AND I GOT THE WHOLE

FIVE MINUTES
OUT OF MY MOUTH.

I KNEW TO BE
MORE PREPARED
THIS TIME.

YOU KNOW, THAT YOU HAVE
TO MEMORISE IT

LIKE, ICE COLD.

AND I GOT THROUGH IT,
AND THE PEOPLE LAUGHED.

AND THAT WAS
THE GREATEST NIGHT
OF MY LIFE.

[SIREN BLARING]

[STREET NOISES]

[TOM DREESEN]
EVERY STAND UP COMEDIAN

STARTS OUT
EMULATING ANOTHER COMEDIAN,

BECAUSE THEY KNOW
THAT WORKS.

BUT THEN ANOTHER NIGHT,
YOU LET A LITTLE BIT OF YOU OUT,

AND IT GETS A LAUGH,
THEN YOU LET A LITTLE BIT MORE

OF YOU OUT,
AND THEN PRETTY SOON,

YOU'RE YOU ONSTAGE.

[RICK]
IT TAKES YOUR ACT

TEN YEARS TO FORM,
TO GEL.

YOU WANT SOMETHING
THAT IS COMFORTABLE TO YOU.

AND YOU HAVE THE GREATEST
COMFORT AND LATITUDE

WITH THINGS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE

A THIEF ABOUT.

WHEN YOU CAN USE
YOUR OWN STUFF,

THAT'S THE FOREVER
FOUNTAIN.

BUT IT'S ONLY
OVER A PERIOD

OF MANY, MANY YEARS
OF GROWING AS A HUMAN BEING

AND BEING ONSTAGE
AND DEVELOPING MATERIAL

WHERE YOU REALLY CAN GET
A SENSE OF YOUR OWN VOICE

AND YOUR OWN IDENTITY,

AND YOU CAN
REALLY START SAYING,

"THAT'S MY MATERIAL,
THAT IS BORN OF WHO I AM."

[KIRK FOX]
MY FIRST TIME OUT,

I DID THREE MINUTES
THAT WERE GREAT,

BUT I DID IT AS
JESUS' BROTHER.

INSTEAD OF SAYING,
"IMAGINE JESUS' BROTHER."

I WAS DOING
AN IMITATION

THAT I WAS JESUS' BROTHER.

AND IT DIDN'T WORK.

UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE,
I SAID,

MAYBE NOT EVEN
THE LAST MINUTE, I SAID,

"YOU KNOW,
THIS WAS HILARIOUS
THIS, THIS MORNING

IN FRONT OF A MIRROR."

AND EVERYONE LAUGHED.

AND THEN, RIGHT THEN,
I, I, I UNDERSTOOD

AT THAT MOMENT,
SOMETHING THAT,

THE ONE HONEST MOMENT
GOT THE LAUGH.

I WENT ONSTAGE
TRYING TO DO THIS "MATERIAL"

THAT I HAD WRITTEN,
AND I ENDED UP

INSULTING THIS
POOR LITTLE WOMAN
IN THE FRONT ROW

BY CALLING HER FLORIDA EVANS,
'CAUSE SHE WAS BALDHEADED.

AND SHE LOOKED AT ME

LIKE SHE WANTED
TO FIGHT ME,

AND I GUESS
THAT FEAR OF, LIKE,

"OH, MY GOODNESS.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

I JUST STARTED
JUST TALKING ABOUT,
"GIRL, I'M SO SORRY.

LOOK, I WAS BALDHEADED
'CAUSE I HAD A BAD PERM ONCE,

AND I PUT IT IN
AND ALL MY HAIR FELL OUT, GIRL,
'CAUSE I UNDERSTAND."

AND EVERYBODY
JUST STARTED CRACKING UP
AND I REALISED,

COMEDY'S REAL.

I'M TELLING 'EM SOMETHING
THAT REALLY HAPPENED TO ME

TO TRY TO GET OUT
OF SOMEONE

WANTING TO FIGHT ME
RIGHT NOW,

AND THAT'S WHAT
I REALISED WHAT MY FUNNY WAS,

MY FUNNY IS REAL.
MY FUNNY IS TRUTH.

WHY WOULD AN AUDIENCE WANNA HEAR
WHAT I'VE GOTTA SAY?

WHY WOULD I WANNA
SIT DOWN

AND WATCH A BLOKE
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF

AND HEAR WHAT HE'S GOT TO SAY
ABOUT HIS LIFE?

BUT THEN I STARTED
TAKING ABOUT MY FAMILY,

YOU KNOW, TALKING ABOUT THEIR
EXPERIENCES OF BEING IN ENGLAND

AND TALKING ABOUT
HOW IT FEELS TO BE

A YOUNG BLACK KID DOING...

AND I FOUND THIS,
THIS VOICE,

THIS INNER VOICE OF ME,
A TRUTH, IF YOU WILL,

AND WHAT IT MEANT WAS

THAT I COULD SAY SOMETHING,
QUITE PROVOCATIVE

THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,
BUT THEN ALSO THINK.

I LIKE THAT.

A LOT OF COMEDIANS
JUST WANT,

LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH,
LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH,

LAUGH EVERY, WHAT IS IT,
EVERY 15 SECONDS THEY SAY?

UH, I LIKE,

LAUGH, BOO,
LAUGH, [GASPS],

YOU KNOW, GASP,
LAUGH, "GET OUTTA HERE,"
OR DISBELIEF.

LIKE, I LIKE TO MIX
EMOTION WITH LAUGHTER.

EMOTIONS MUST NOT
GET IN THE WAY OF THE WORK,

BUT ALLOW IT
TO JOIN THE WORK.

AND THEN
YOU'LL SAY THINGS
AND DO THINGS

THAT ARE COMING
FROM HERE,

AND YOUR AUDIENCE
WILL KNOW THAT.

THEY'LL KNOW
WHEN IT'S A SET JOKE,

AND THEY'LL KNOW WHEN
IT'S COMING FROM YOUR HEART.

YOU SHARE THOSE TWO ELEMENTS
TOGETHER WITH YOUR BRAIN,

LOCK IT IN
AND GO NOWHERE
WITHOUT IT.

[FRANKIE BOYLE]
I HAVE THIS SYSTEM
WHICH I READ ABOUT

AS BEEN SEINFELD SYSTEM,

BUT THEN I SORTA GOOGLED IT
AND I CAN'T FIND ANY TRACE OF IT

SO IT COULD BE LIKE
A DREAM I HAD,

BUT EH, APPARENTLY,
THE IDEA IS THAT YOU WRITE

EH, THREE JOKES A DAY
THAT YOU'RE DEFINITELY
GONNA DO ONSTAGE.

WHICH SOUNDS
LIKE NOTHIN', RIGHT,

SO, BUT, YOU'VE DEFINITELY
GOT TO SAY IT.

SO ON THE FIRST DAY,
YOU FIND YOURSELF

AT HALF PAST TEN
AT NIGHT

STILL NOT HAVEN'T
WRITTEN THE THIRD

OR POSSIBLY THE SECOND
OR FIRST JOKE

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "I CAN'T GO TO BED
'CAUSE I'VE NOT DONE IT."

AND THAT'S SO HORRIBLE
THAT BY THE FOURTH DAY

YOU'VE KIND OF GOTTEN
INTO THE SYSTEM OF GOING,

"OH, I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA,
I'M GONNA DO IT EVERY DAY."

AND THEN
WHEN YOU GET ONSTAGE,

YOU START DOING THEM
AND THEY'RE TERRIBLE,

AND YOU HAVE
TO DO THEM,

YOU START TO GO,
"OH, I BETTER MAKE
THESE FUNNIER."

I WILL CALL MY SISTER
AND I WOULD SAY, "OH, MY GOD.

I WENT HOME WITH A GUY
LAST NIGHT

AND HE HAD LIKE
THE BIGGEST PENIS,

AND I BAILED
AS SOON AS I SAW IT AND LEFT.

AND EH, AND I'M TELLING HER
OVER THE PHONE

AND, SHE, WE'RE BOTH
CRYING LAUGHING.

AND I WAS LIKE,
OH, YOU SHOULD TRY THIS ONSTAGE.

AND, OKAY.

AND THEN,
SO IT BECAME JUST TALKING
TO MY FRIENDS

OR FAMILY IN LIFE,

AND THEN SEEING HOW
THAT TRANSLATED TO THE STAGE,

FINDING THE PUNCH LINES IN IT.

LIKE, I HAVE A JOKE
THAT I WRITE,

AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK
I WRITE IT OUT

TO SEE IF IT'S
COME TO ME YET.

AND I CAN'T,
I STILL HAVE NEVER
MADE IT WORK.

I'VE TRIED IT ONSTAGE
A FEW TIMES

WITH A COUPLE
OF DIFFERENT SETUPS
AND I CAN'T...

[INTERVIEWER]

THAT PARTICULAR JOKE
HAS PROBABLY BEEN IN THE WORKS

FOR FIVE OR SIX YEARS.

BUT THERE'S OTHER JOKES
THAT I HAVE

THAT I'VE TRIED TO MAKE WORK
FOR LONGER THAN THAT.

YOU KNOW,
TEN YEARS PROBABLY.

[KEENEN IVORY WAYANS]
SO THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO

SIT AT HOME
AND WRITE OUT THE JOKES

AND THEN
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO

TAKE CONCEPTS AND GO ONSTAGE
AND TALK ABOUT THEM.

UM, AND,

AND THOSE GUYS
TEND TO BE MORE
IN THE MOMENT.

I WAS ABOUT TO GO ON A MONTH AGO
AT LARGO

AND I WAS LIKE,
"I DON'T FEEL FUNNY.
I DON'T FEEL FUNNY."

AND, AND I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT AM I GONNA DO?"

AND EVERYTHING
I THOUGHT OF TO DO

WAS FAKE

'CAUSE I DIDN'T
FEEL FUNNY.

AND THEN I JUST WENT ONSTAGE
AND I WAS LIKE,

"I DON'T FEEL FUNNY."

AND IT WAS GOOD.

[DAVID A. ARNOLD]
IF I RUN INTO SOMETHING
THAT HAPPENS,

IMMEDIATELY I'LL PULL OUT
MY PHONE AND START

TYPING, TEXTING,
AND MY WIFE, SHE KNOWS.

HE'S, HE'S WRITING,

HE'S DOCUMENTING
FOR THE STAGE.

AND SHE'LL BE GOIN' LIKE,
"UH-UH.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS
TO THE STAGE."

I'M LIKE,
"YOU, THE HELL I'M NOT."

I JUST JOT 'EM DOWN.

SO IN HERE,
YOU SEE HOW LONG THIS IS,

THESE ARE JUST
RANDOM THOUGHTS,

RANDOM JOKE THOUGHTS,

FOR MY NEXT HOUR.

ANYTIME I HAVE, UH,
A FUNNY IDEA,

I WRITE IT IN MY PHONE.

SO THEN I HAVE A BUNCH
OF STRANGE NOTES

THAT MAYBE I DON'T
FULLY UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WANNA TALK ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW THE ORDER OF IT
OR HOWEVER IT GOES.

SO WHAT I DO IS

TO START MY NEXT HOUR
OR TO START BUILDING AN HOUR,

UH, ME, HARRY AND JOE,
WE'LL GO TO THE COMEDY CLUB

I'LL TAKE MY PHONE,
I'LL LOOK AT MY NOTES

I'LL JUST START TALKING.

"CALL THE LAW OFFICES
OF BENDER AND BENDER

IF YOU WANT A LAWYER
WITH AN INDIANA JONES HAT."

UH, "YOUR ENGAGEMENT
DOESN'T COUNT

UNTIL YOU POST
THE PICTURE OF THE RING
ON FACEBOOK."

"FAMILY TIGHTER
THAN A WHITE PUSSY."

UH, THAT'S KINDA FUCKED UP.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE
SAID THAT ONE OUT LOUD.

I LITERALLY STARTED
FOUR-AND-A-HALF WEEKS AGO

WORKING ON A NEW ACT.

I LITERALLY
DIDN'T EVEN HAVE

A PREMISE
THAT I WANTED
TO WORK ON.

AND I WALKED ONSTAGE
AND JUST TALKED TO THE AUDIENCE

FOR 45 MINUTES
TO AN HOUR.

AND THEN,
LITTLE BITS OF THINGS
WOULD SHOW UP

WHEN I WOULD
TALK TO THIS PERSON.

SOMEBODY WOULD SAY SOMETHING
AND I WOULD SAY SOMETHING.

I'M LIKE,
I COULD SAY THAT AGAIN.
I COULD SAY THAT AGAIN.

AND THEN, YOU KNOW,
YOU CUT TO FOUR-AND-A-HALF,
FIVE WEEKS LATER NOW,

AND I'VE GOT ABOUT
40 MINUTES OF, OF, AN ACT.

I WILL GO TO
THE WHITEST CITY,
BOISE IDAHO,

DES MOINES, IA,

UH, GUNNISON, COLORADO,
AND DO MY BLACKEST MATERIAL.

DO AN HOUR
OF BLACK MATERIAL.

IF THEY KNEW
20 MINUTES OF IT,

I WOULD TAKE THAT
AND LOG THAT AND SAY,

"OKAY. I KNOW THAT ANY
WHITE, MIDDLE AMERICA PLACE

WHERE THERE'S NO BLACKS,

THEY UNDERSTAND
THIS 20 MINUTES.

THEN I WILL GO TO LIKE,
THE CHOCOLATE CITIES, CHICAGO,

YOU KNOW, UH,
NEW YORK, MIAMI, L.A.,

AND DO ALL
OF MY POLITICAL,
YOU KNOW, SO.

AND THEN IF THEY KNEW
20 MINUTES OF THAT,

WE JUST
LOCK IT TOGETHER,
SO I KNOW NOW

40 MINUTES
OF WHEREVER I GO,

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO, UH,
KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

AFTER I'M HAPPY,
I'LL GO DO LIKE
A SMALL THEATER

1500, 2000
AND SEE HOW, SEE HOW PEOPLE
ARE RECEIVING IT

FROM ME BEING FARAWAY.

'CAUSE I NEED MY MATERIAL
TO COME OFF INTIMATE,

EVEN THOUGH
IT'S NOT INTIMATE.

I'M A STORYTELLER,
BUT, WITHIN MY STORIES

THERE'S HILLS
AND VALLEYS.

SO I NEED THAT
TO ALWAYS BE INTRIGUING.

I DON'T EVER WANT THERE
TO BE A DULL MOMENT.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ARENA,
IT'S SO LARGE,

THE MINUTE YOU LOSE
PEOPLE'S ATTENTION,

THEY START TALKING,
THAT TALKING CAN,

IT CAN GRAVITATE
TOWARDS THE STAGE,

IT CAN FUCK UP
THE WHOLE ENVIRONMENT.

SO EVERYTHING
NEEDS TO BE...

A SMACK IN THE FACE.

THE NICE THING
ABOUT STAND UP

YOU GET TO DO YOUR ACT

OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

AND, AND,
AND THE AUDIENCE

THAT IS,
IS LAUGHING AT,
AT A JOKE,

HAS NO IDEA
OF THE COUNTLESS AUDIENCES

WHO HAD TO SUFFER
THROUGH IT BEFORE.

[CREW LAUGHING]

IT'S LIKE
YOU WRITE WITH CHALK,

AND YOU DON'T KNOW

THAT'S BILLIONS
OF LITTLE ANIMALS

THAT DIED
A HORRIBLE DEATH.

COMEDY IS PURELY A RESULT

OF YOUR ABILITY
TO WITHSTAND

SELF-TORTURE.

THAT'S WHAT,
THAT'S WHERE YOU GET
GREAT COMEDY.

YOUR ABILITY
TO SUFFER, AND GO,

"THAT DAMN THING
STILL DOESN'T WORK.

I GOTTA,
I'M GONNA WRITE IT AGAIN.

I'M GONNA TRY IT AGAIN."

AND IF YOU'RE WILLING
TO DO THAT,

85 TIMES
FOR A STUPID JOKE,

OVER THE COURSE
OF MANY YEARS,

GREAT JOKES GET WRITTEN.

NO, I NEVER,
I, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T KNOW HOW,
I LOOK AT MY ACT.

WHAT I, WHAT I LIKE TO CALL
'THE ACT',

LIKE IT'S THIS MONUMENT.

SOMETIMES I GO TO THE ACT
AND I PRAY THERE.

DEAR ACT,
IF I MAY IMPLORE YOU
TO GIVE ME A LITTLE,

IS IT SO MUCH
TO GIVE ME A LITTLE JOKE?

HOW 'BOUT,
"A JEW WALKS INTO A BAR" JOKE?

ANYTHING.

HOW 'BOUT EVERYBODY
THAT WAS EVER IN A JOKE
IS IN THE BAR?

HOW 'BOUT THAT?

THE MOST
COMPLICATED JOKE EVER.

AND THEN
THE FARMERS DAUGHTER
COMES IN AND SHE...

[SAM TRIPOLI]
COMEDIANS, IN MY OPINION,
ARE JEDI'S.

THEY PLAY
MIND TRICKS ON PEOPLE.

AND THE BEST COMEDIANS
PUT AN ENTIRE CROWD

IN LIKE
KIND OF A TRANCE.

SO THE ENTIRE GROUP
IS THINKING AS ONE.

IN THINKING,

IN THAT COMIC'S
MIND THOUGHT PROCESS.

AND THAT'S WHY WHEN
SOMEBODY MESSES UP A LINE,

IT'S ALMOST LIKE
THE RECORD SCREECHED,
RRR! YOU KNOW?

AND EVERYONE COMES OUT
OF THE TRANCE,

AND THEN
HE HAS TO PUT 'EM BACK
INTO THE TRANCE.

AND THAT'S HOW
YOU GET CROWDS THINKING

IN RHYTHM
WITH YOUR ACT.

AND THAT'S WHY THE GREAT COMICS
HAVE A RHYTHM TO THEIR ACT.

I WOULD ALWAYS
SOMETIMES SAY, YOU KNOW,

"HOW MANY OF YOU
ARE IN THIS MAGNIFICENT ARENA

FOR YOUR
VERY FIRST TIME?
APPLAUD."

AND THEY WOULD APPLAUD.

I'D SAY,
"HOW MANY OF YOU ARE SEEING
FRANK SINATRA LIVE?

YOUR VERY FIRST TIME,
APPLAUD." AND THEY'D APPLAUD.

I'M IN CHARGE
AND YOU'RE...

I'M GONNA QUESTION YOU.

THE FIRST THING I'M GONNA SAY
IS A QUESTION TO YOU.

HERE'S THE POINT.
I TALK, YOU REACT.

I TALK,
YOU REACT.

I TALK, YOU...
I GOT 'EM INTO MY RHYTHM.

YOU KNOW, THIS WAS MY TRICK
TO GET 'EM INTO MY RHYTHM.

YOU KNOW,
AND, AND, FOCUS ON ME.

[INTERVIEWER]
SO YOU'RE NOT SEEKING

THEIR APPROVAL AT ALL?

NO, I'M SEEKING
THEIR SUBLIMATION.

[INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES]
YEAH.

YEAH, LIKE THIS GUY'S
A LITTLE SCARY.

AFTER EVERY JOKE
I WOULD TAKE A STEP BACK,

BECAUSE I WAS SO AFRAID
OF, THE AUDIENCE.

YOU KNOW,
SO BY THE END
OF MY SET,

I'D BE CLEARLY
AGAINST THE WALL.

YOU KNOW?

AND A FRIEND
OF MINE SAID,

"YOU KNOW,
YOU DO IT

AND, AND, YOU START
EATING IT,

BECAUSE YOU DISCONNECT
FROM THE AUDIENCE.

SO WHAT I STARTED DOING

IS USED TO STARTED
WALKING TOWARD THEM.

AND THEN ANOTHER THING
THAT I STARTED DOING

IS TO LOOK AT EVERYONE
IN THEIR EYES.

I WOULD THINK
THAT WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN A,

A COMEDIAN
AND AN AUDIENCE...

I WAS TEMPTED TO SAY,
"STAYS WITH THE COMEDIAN
AND THE AUDIENCE."

[ALL LAUGHING]

AND I'M NOT ABOUT
TO LET THAT CAT

OUT OF THE BAG NOW.

I FEEL EVERY NIGHT
I AM LINKING UP WITH EVERYONE

UH, THERE IN THE AUDIENCE.

SO I'M TRYING
TO ENTERTAIN MYSELF.

SO I ENJOY THAT SHOW.

THAT'S THE TRICK, I'VE ALWAYS
TRIED TO KEEP THAT,

I KEEP
THE STUFF MOLTEN,

CONSTANTLY READY
TO MOVE IT.

VERBALLY SCULPT IT
INTO, EH, A PLACE,

BUT EACH NIGHT
I'M SLIGHTLY RESCULPTING IT.

UM, LESS SO

BECAUSE I FOUND
THAT I KEPT RESCULPTING IT
AND YOU GET IT GOOD

AND THEN YOU
KEEP RESCULPTING IT

AND YOU GO,
YOU'VE LOST THAT,
THOSE GOOD BITS.

SO I'M, I'M TRYING
NOW TO SCULPT IT TO A PLACE

AND THEN KIND OF SET IT,
WITH WIGGLE ROOM.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN THE ZOMBIES
ARE COMIN',

YOU JUST GOTTA
KEEP SHOOTIN'.

[COCKS GUN]
RELOAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND EVENTUALLY, "YAY!"

THE SHOW'S OVER AND PEOPLE GO,
"YOU WERE GREAT."

AND YOU GO, "THANK YOU."
AND YOU GO, "WAS I?"

EVERY AUDIENCE
IS DIFFERENT.

I THINK
YOU SHOULD BE NERVOUS.

I THINK
THAT THERE SHOULD BE

SOME ANTICIPATION OF

"OH, MY GOD,
ARE THEY GONNA LIKE
THIS ONE?

IS IT ALWAYS
GONNA HIT?"

UM, BECAUSE THEN
YOU GET BORED.

UM, I DON'T
LIKE BEING NERVOUS

ESPECIALLY BEFORE
A HUGE SHOW.

I HATE THAT.
I'M A THROW UP.

YOU KNOW,
I WANNA USE THE BATHROOM.

I WANNA THROW UP.
I WANNA QUIT.

I WANNA PULL OFF MY HAIR
AND THROW IT IN THE AUDIENCE.

I WANNA, AH!

YOU GO THROUGH ALL THAT,
UNTIL YOU HEAR YOUR FIRST LAUGH.

AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, I AM SO FUNNY!"

YEAH,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

CHECK THE TOILET.

DID YOU JIGGLE
THE TOILET HANDLE?

OKAY. JUST GON'
WALK THROUGH THE SCENE.

DID SHE JUST
WALK THROUGH THE MY--

-YES...
-THAT'S GREAT.

THAT'S GREAT, ALL RIGHT,
CLOSE THE DOOR. THIS IS SO GHETTO.

-I APOLOGIZE.
-[ALL LAUGHING]

I WAS IN A CLOTHING STORE
AND I'M WALKING AROUND,

UH, PRIMARILY
LOOKING FOR A SHIRT.

JUST SO YOU CAN
UNDERSTAND MY INTENTION

IN THIS STORY.

AND A YOUNG MAN
COMES UP TO ME AND HE SAYS,

"MR. SHANDLING,
COULD I TALK TO YOU
A SECOND?"

AND, UH, I SAID, UH,

"SURE. WHAT'S UP?"

HE SAID,

"YOU KNOW,
I, I, I'VE ONLY BEEN IN L.A.,
LIKE A FEW MONTHS

AND I WANT TO DO
STAND UP COMEDY."

I SAID, "RIGHT."

HE SAID, "WELL,

THERE'S GOTTA BE
A SECRET, RIGHT?

THERE'S GOTTA BE
A SHORTCUT."

I SAID, "WHAT'RE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?"

HE SAID, "WELL, I KNOW,
I HEAR ABOUT GUYS

HAVING TO GO TO WORK IN CLUBS
AND THEY GOT TO DO THIS

AND THEY DO THIS
AND IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WORK,

AND YOU GOTTA GO AND TRY JOKES
AND WRITE JOKES,

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS
A SHORTCUT."

I SAID, "NO,
THERE'S NO SHORTCUT."

THERE'S LITERALLY
NO SHORTCUT.

[SULI MCCULLOUGH]
TO BE A COMEDIAN

MEANS YOU HAVE TO GO OUT
AND TAKE YOUR COMEDY

TO THE PEOPLE.

AND NOT JUST DO IT
IN THE PLACES

WHERE, IT'S GLAMOROUS.

YOU GOTTA GO
TO THOSE PLACES

YOU MAY NOT NECESSARILY
WANT TO GO TO.

SO THEY SENT MY LITTLE ASS
TO COLD-ASS MINNESOTA.

"HEY, WHAT'D YOU THINK
OF MINNESOTA?"

"UH, IT'S FUCKING COLD."

[KIRA SOLTANOVICH]
YOU GET OUT ON THE ROAD

AND IT'S ABSOLUTE
PURE HELL.

YOU'LL HAVE A CITY,

AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE

JUST SADNESS

FOR MILES.

JUST HOURS OF NOTHING.

NOTHING.
AND IT'S THE SAME.

THEY HAVEN'T
PUT UP ANYTHING.

[AMY]
MY FIRST COUPLE YEARS
ON THE ROAD

WERE GOING WITH WHOEVER
WOULD TAKE ME FOR $50

TO DESPICABLE
COMEDY CLUBS

IN BASEMENTS
OR IN ATTICS

WHERE THE GREEN ROOM
IS JUST LIKE A BAR

AND THEY TAKE HALF OFF
THE ONION RINGS FOR YOU.

JUST HORRIBLE HOTELS,
CROSSING HIGHWAYS.

YOU KNOW, JUST, UGH,

BEING EXCITED
THAT THEY HAVE FREE YOGHURT

AND ORANGE JUICE
IN THE LOBBY.

[MAN ON RADIO]
WE EXPECT UP TO AN INCH OF SNOW
AND A HIGH OF ONLY...

[KIRA]
SO YOU'RE DRIVING THROUGH
THESE STATES,

YOU'RE DRIVING TEN HOURS
TO YOUR NEXT GIG...

AND THEN
YOU GET TO THIS GIG

AND THEY PUT YOU UP
IN SOME MOTEL

THAT PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN MURDERED IN,

A HUNDRED PERCENT GUARANTEED
THEY'VE BEEN MURDERED IN.

[RICK]
THEY PUT YOU UP WITH
A HOTEL ROOM

THAT'S GOT NOTHIN'
BUT BLOOD STAINS

WITH CHALK AROUND THEM
ALL OVER THE CARPET.

THEN THE GUYS,
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
ABOUT THIS ROOM.

ANYWAY."
CLICK. YOU KNOW.

SO YOU'RE THERE
JUST AWAKE ALL NIGHT.

[KIRA]
AND YOU HATE YOURSELF
BECAUSE YOUR DINNER

IS OUT OF
A VENDING MACHINE.

BECAUSE IT'S EITHER THAT

OR SOME SCARY

FAST FOOD
DRIVE-THRU PLACE.

YOU'RE LIKE,
YOU'RE GONNA EAT AT
A TGI FRIDAY'S

EVERY DAY.

YOU'RE GONNA GET TO KNOW
THE STAFF.

LIKE, YOU'RE GONNA BE
AT THAT PLACE SO MUCH.

IF YOU EAT WELL
ON THE ROAD,

YOU JUST LOST MONEY
ON THE FLIGHT.

LIKE YOU'RE GONNA,
YOU'RE GONNA COME HOME
100 BUCKS IN THE HOLE

'CAUSE YOU DECIDED
TO HAVE FISH.

[MIXED CHATTER]

YOU'RE TAKING A PERSON
THAT SUFFERS FROM DEPRESSION

THEY'RE LIKE,
"HEY, GO GET A ROOM

IN A CITY WHERE YOU LEGIT
DON'T KNOW ANYBODY."

AND YOU'RE LIKE,

HEY, HANGOUT BY YOURSELF
FOR FOUR DAYS.

THE AMOUNT OF LONELINESS
CAN BE INSANE.

[JASON MANFORD]
SOMETIMES THE AUDIENCE
ARE THE FIRST PEOPLE

YOU'VE SPOKE TO,
IN A DAY.

IT'S 8:00 AT NIGHT
AND THEY'RE THE FIRST,

THAT'S THE FIRST HUMAN
INTERACTION YOU'VE HAD, ALL DAY.

[REPORTER]
IF YOU DON'T ENJOY
THE RELATIVE WARMTH

THAT YOU'RE
GONNA SEE TODAY...

[COCOA]
IT'S LONELY.

YOU KNOW, I CAN BE ONSTAGE
IN FRONT OF 5,000 PEOPLE

GET A STANDING OVATION
AND GO TO MY HOTEL ROOM
TO COMPLETE SILENCE.

AND I'M LOOKING
AT THE MONEY ON THE BED

AND THE ROOM SERVICE
I JUST ORDERED,

BUT I HAVE
NO ONE TO CALL.

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

[ALARM CLOCK SOUNDING]

[THEO VON]
I MEAN, YEAH, YOU HAVE JUST
WEIRD TOWNS OUT THERE

WHERE YOU HAVE
TO SHARE A ROOM WITH SOME DUDE
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

AND A LOT OF TIMES
IT'S LIKE AN ADULT MAN.

AND THAT'S SCARY,
SOME DUDE WHO'S IN HIS 40'S

WHO STILL DOESN'T KNOW
IF HE'S BISEXUAL OR NOT.

AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE
LAYING THERE IN A BED

NEXT TO HIM JUST FACING
THE OTHER WAY JUST LIKE,

"OH, SHIT.
HOW DOES THIS END?"
YOU KNOW?

I MEAN,
THAT KINDA STUFF
CAN GET

A LITTLE BIT SPOOKY,
YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW
HOW FUCKED UP YOU ARE

AND YOU KNOW THAT HE'S 20 YEARS
FURTHER IN FUCKED UP.

YOU'RE LIKE, DANG, SON.

THIS IS HOW
THE CHAIN KEEPS GOIN'.

THIS IS HOW THE TORCH
GETS PASSED, YOU KNOW?

[FRANKIE]
AND YOU GET A LOT
OF SLEEPS IN PLACES

THAT YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE THOUGHT

IT WOULD BE TECHNICALLY
POSSIBLE TO SLEEP.

SO LIKE ON A LEATHERETTE
TWO-SEATER COUCH.

YOU MIGHT GET A GOOD
COUPLE OF HOURS SLEEP

AND THAT'S A BAD SIGN

WHEN YOU'RE PEELING
YOUR FACE OFF A VINYL SURFACE

TEN MINUTES
BEFORE YOU TALK TO

A THOUSAND PEOPLE.

[SARAH]
THE ROAD IS REALLY LONELY,

AND, UH,
IT ONLY FEELS GOOD
WHEN YOU'RE ONSTAGE,

AND IT DOESN'T ALWAYS.

AND, UM,
AND YOU MAKE FRIENDS

JUST THAT YOU WILL
NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.

BUT JUST FOR THE NIGHT,
THE CREW THAT'S THERE.

WHOEVER'S WORKING THERE,

THE WAITERS,
WAITRESSES AND STUFF.

AND...

AND THEN YOU'RE ON
A PLANE OR A CAR

OR A TRAIN
THE NEXT DAY.

[GILBERT GOTTFRIED]
THERE ARE PLACES

CLUBS AND ENTIRE CITIES

I SWEAR
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO

AND THEN
I GET TO THE CLUB

AND I SEE
I'VE SIGNED THEIR WALL.

AND THAT'S THE WAY
I KNOW I'VE BEEN THERE.

[JEFF JOSEPH]
THIS THOUGHT COMES TO YOU

WHICH IS,
I'M INSANE.

I'M GOING TO A PLACE
I'VE NEVER BEEN,

TO A TOWN
I'VE NEVER BEEN,

AND I THINK I CAN MAKE
THESE PEOPLE LAUGH.

I THINK
THAT WE HAVE SOMETHING
IN COMMON.

IT SEEMS CRAZY.

THE HARDEST PART
ABOUT THE ROAD

IS JUST FEELING
DISORIENTED.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL,

THAT SLIGHT FEELING
OF WHERE AM I?

WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT AM I CONNECTED TO?

THAT SLIGHT FEELING,

CAN GET A LOT WORSE.

[RICK]
YOU'LL HAVE SOME
GLAMOUR GIGS,

SOME VEGASY GIGS.

THEN YOU'LL HAVE JUST SOME
BRUTAL ROAD STUFF

WHERE THEY DIDN'T
ADVERTISE RIGHT

AND THE OWNER'S LIKE,
"OH, MAN, SORRY ABOUT
THE SMALL CROWDS,

BUT THE GUN SHOW
IS KILLIN' US THIS WEEK."

[KIRA]
THEN YOU GOTTA
GET UP ONSTAGE,

AND IT'S IN A BAR

WHERE THEY
TURN OFF THE TV

AS IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH
OF THE WORLD SERIES.

AND THEY SAY,
"ARE YOU READY FOR STAND UP?"

AND EVERYONE SCREAMS, "BOO!

TURN THE TV'S BACK ON!

IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH
OF THE WORLD SERIES."

"ARE YOU READY FOR A CHICK
THAT'S OVULATING

AND SHE'S MOODY
AND CRANKY?"

AND THEN
YOU'RE FINALLY DONE

AND THEY HAND YOU A CHEQUE
AND YOU GO,

[INHALES DEEPLY]
"ALL RIGHT,

I'LL DO IT AGAIN
TOMORROW."

[KEENEN]
YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE
IN AN ENVIRONMENT

WHERE PEOPLE
ARE COMING TO SEE YOU.

THERE USED TO BE A STRIP CLUB
IN ALASKA CALLED PJ'S.

THIS IS WHEN THEY WERE BUILDING
THE ALASKAN PIPELINE.

NOW YOUR AUDIENCE
WERE A BUNCH OF,

A GROUP OF MEN.

FIRST OF ALL,
IN ALASKA,

YOU CAN CARRY A GUN,
LIKE ON YOUR HIP.

IN ADDITION TO THAT,

THEY HAVE BEEN IN
THE ALASKAN WILDERNESS

WORKING FOR SIX MONTHS.

THEY HAVE NOT SEEN
WOMEN AT ALL.

THEY COME TO THIS PLACE,

THEY'VE GOT
MONEY LIKE THIS

AND A BAG OF COKE,

TWO GUNS ON THEIR HIPS.

THAT'S WHO
YOU'RE PLAYING TO.

AND THEN
THEY ANNOUNCE YOU

INSTEAD OF SPRINKLES.

YOU TALK ABOUT HOSTILE.

THAT WAS A
HOSTILE AUDIENCE.

THE SECOND YOU WALK ONSTAGE,
THEY ARE JUDGING YOU.

THEY ARE JUDGING YOU.

AND IF THEY FIND SOMETHING
THEY DON'T LIKE,

SAY YOU HAVE ON
MITCH-MAX SOCKS

THAT COULD BE THE DEATH
OF YOUR STAND UP NIGHT.

"LOOK AT YOU
WITH YOUR LITTLE
MITCH-MAX SOCKS."

LIKE YOU GET,
PEOPLE HAVE NO FILTER.

IT'S NOT LIKE,
YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU GO TO
THE OPERA OR WHATEVER

AND I DON'T GO TO
THE OPERA OFTEN,

BUT I, I SUSPECT

THERE'S NOT
A LOT OF HECKLING
AT THE OPERA.

"YOU CALL THAT FALSETTO,
MOTHERFUCKER?

THAT AIN'T FALSETTO.

THAT'S WHACK!"

THERE'S NO OTHER FORM
OF PUBLIC SPEAKING

THAT HAS HECKLERS.

YOU'D NEVER SEE ANYBODY HECKLING
TED TALKS, DO YOU?

YOU'VE NEVER
WATCHED A TED TALK
AND BE LIKE,

"WHAT IF I TOLD YOU
I DEVISED A WAY

TO FEED EVERY CHILD
ON THIS..."

"FUCK YOU, DORK!"
"WHO SAID THAT?"

[CREW LAUGHING]

FRIDAY, SECOND SHOW
IS ALWAYS A SLAP DOWN SHOW.

BECAUSE FIRST SHOW
THEY'RE NOT DRUNK ENOUGH

TO BE MEAN ABOUT
HOW MUCH THEY HATED
THEIR WORK WEEK,

BUT BY SECOND SHOW,
FUCK WHOEVER IS ONSTAGE.

YOU'RE IN FOR
A BEATIN', MAN.

THEY, AND THEY HATE YOU
'CAUSE YOU'RE WELL LIT,

YOU'RE SLIGHTLY
ELEVATED FROM 'EM,

AND THEIR SUBCONSCIOUS
JUST SWITCHES YOU WITH THE BOSS.

AND NOW THEY'RE SHOUTIN'
AT THE FUCKIN' BOSS,

AND YOU'RE BABYSITTING,
YOU KNOW?

I CAN NEVER HEAR
WHAT A HECKLER'S SAYING.

I, I, I, I JUST RESPOND
WILDLY TO 'EM.

AND THEY MIGHT BE SAYING,
"OH, BILLY, I LOVE YOU."

AND I SAY,
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I DON'T REALLY
LIKE THEM AS A SPECIES.

YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE IT'S LIKE...

ALL THAT STUFF
ABOUT WARMING THE AUDIENCE UP

AND ALL THAT STUFF
THAT PEOPLE TALK ABOUT,

AND IF YOU DO IT
KIND OF UNCONSCIOUSLY,

YOU START A CERTAIN WAY,
YOU BUILD IT UP.

BUT WHAT YOU DO
IS YOU, YOU,

THERE'S 3,000 PEOPLE
IN THE ROOM OR MAYBE 400 OR 200,

WHATEVER NUMBER THERE IS,

YOU GET IT TO ONE.

YOU GET THEM
ALL INTO ONE BIG FOREHEAD.

AND, AND SO I JUST
SPEAK TO THE FOREHEADS,

AND IT'S
ONE BIG FOREHEAD
IN THE ROOM.

BUT WHEN THEN, WHEN THE, THE, HECKLER,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

VAROOM-VAROOM!
BECOMES 3,000 AGAIN.

AND I HAVE TO GO,
GATHER, GATHER, GATHER
GATHER, GATHER,

GET THEM ALL IN
LIKE A SHEPHERD.

AND THEN, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AND THEY ALL GO,

BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

AND,
[DEFLATING NOISE]

AND I END UP DOING
THE TUNNEL CLUB IN MAN, IN EH, LONDON,

WHICH, OF COURSE,
WAS NOTORIOUS.

NOW LONG, UH,
SINCE DEFUNCT.

BUT THAT WAS LIKE
A BAPTISM OF FIRE,

THAT WAS A RITE OF PASSAGE.
YOU HAD TO DO THE TUNNEL CLUB.

AND I, I DID IT, UM,

AND THEY LITERALLY,
UH, THREW CHAIRS AT YOU.

AND, UM,
UH, YEAH, CHAIRS.

I THINK
CHAIRS WAS LIKE, UH,

MEANT THEY QUITE LIKED YOU,
'CAUSE THEY WEREN'T GLASSES.

CHAIR, 'CAUSE YOU,
YOU COULD DODGE A CHAIR

AND, THAT WAS ACTUALLY,
"OH, THEY'RE,

THEY'RE ONLY
THROWING CHAIRS.

I MIGHT, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO,
YOU KNOW, WIN THEM OVER."

THERE'S A MAN
ABOUT 65 YEARS OF AGE

WEARING A SUIT AND A TIE,
GREY HAIR.

I THOUGHT,
NOT MY TYPICAL AUDIENCE.

HE'S GOT
HIS HAND UP LIKE THIS,
AND I WENT,

"YES, SIR?"
HE WENT, "'SCUSE ME, JESTER."

I'M LIKE, "JESTER?"
WELL, OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE
LIKE THAT, IS IT?
I SAID, "YES."

HE WENT,
"I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR YA."

AND I WAS LIKE,
OKAY, IT'S NEAR THE END
OF THE SHOW.

"WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, SIR?"

AND WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT,
HE JUST WENT,

"IS THERE ANY TRUTH
IN THE RUMOUR

THAT BLACK MEN
DON'T GO DOWN ON THEIR WOMEN?"

[CREW LAUGHING]

THE WHOLE AUDIENCE...

AND I WAS LIKE,
I WAS LIKE,

"HOLD ON,
I'LL CALL THE OTHERS."

I'M...
I WAS LIKE...

"WINSTON,
IS LEROY THERE?"

AND I GO, UH,

"ANYBODY HERE, UH,
CELEBRATE HANUKKAH?"

AND A GUY IN THE BACK
YELLS OUT,

"HEY! YOU'RE A JEW?"

AND I GO, "YEA, YEAH."

AND HE GOES,
"WHAT ROOM ARE YOU
STAYIN' IN?"

[CREW LAUGHING]

AND, AND, I GO,
UH, "EXCUSE ME."

AND HE GOES,
"I SAID,

"WHAT ROOM
ARE YOU STAYIN' IN, JEW?'"

I GO,
"A DIFFERENT ONE."

ALL RIGHT.

I DID A ROOM IN NEW YORK,
FOUR YEARS AGO

IN A BASEMENT,
INCREDIBLY, UH, DARK,

NOT A LOT OF LIGHTING,

AND ALL BLACK PEOPLE.

AND I HADN'T EVEN
BARELY SAID ANYTHING.

AND A KID
IN THE AUDIENCE GOES,

"YO, ARE YOU SCARED?"

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I WAS SCARED.

AND A GUY IN THE FRONT ROW
GETS A PHONE CALL.

ANSWERS HIS PHONE CALL,

EVERYONE CAN HEAR IT RING,
BY THE WAY.

AND ANSWERS IT
LIKE HE'S IN A HELICOPTER.

"YEAH!
YEAH, I'M JUST HERE!

IT'S, UH, YANKEE DOODLES,
IT'S A BAR!

YEAH,
THERE'S A CHICK
ONSTAGE!

OH, MY GOD!
IT'S PAINFUL!"

-AND I'M...
-[CREW LAUGHING]

I MEAN,
MY MICROPHONE

IS PICKING UP
HIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION,

HE'S SO CLOSE
TO THE STAGE.

AND I IMMEDIATELY
LEAN INTO THIS GUY,

I JUST GO FOR HIM,

AND HE GIVES ME THE FINGER,
HE FLIPS ME OFF,

AND FOR SOME REASON,
THAT WAS IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY,
THE FINGER.

I FUCKIN' LOST IT.

THERE WAS A GUY
PUNCHED ME ONSTAGE.

YEAH, IN, IN BRISBANE.

HE SAID,
I'LL NEVER FORGET HIM,
HE SAID,

"MY WIFE'S EARS
ARE NOT GARBAGE CANS."

I HAD TOLD
SOME RISQUÉ STORY,

AND HE CAME ON,
AND HE OBVIOUSLY THOUGHT

MY CHIN CAME
TO THE END OF MY BEARD,

'CAUSE I HAD
A BIG LONG BEARD,

AND HE WENT LIKE THAT
TO MY BEARD.

AND I SAID,
"IS THAT THE BEST
YOU CAN DO?"

AND HE SAID, "NO."
AND NUTTED ME, BOOM!

AND I WENT ON MY ARSE.

AND I WAS IN, UM,
YOU KNOW,

LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS,
AND A DUDE CALLED ME

THE 'N' WORD,
LIKE, FROM THE STAGE,

FROM THE BACK
OF THE STAGE, ROWDY.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS DRUNK
AND BELLIGERENT.

BUT IT WAS THE KIND OF THING
THAT IT, YOU KNOW,

IT, IT,
IT MADE ME SO MAD

THAT I WAS OFF MY SHOW.

LIKE, I COULD NOT
GET BACK TO FUNNY.

LIKE THE CLUB OWNER GO,
"HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

YOU KNOW, JESUS.
I MEAN, COME ON.

DO A JOKE BACK AT HIM.
CALL HIM SOMETHIN' BUT DON'T...

CAN'T STOP THE SHOW.

HELL, AREN'T YOU A NIGGER?

JESUS."

LIKE, WHOA. WHOA.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M JUST GONNA
WRAP MY STUFF UP

AND GET ON
OUTTA HERE, GUYS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS
IS NOT GOIN' WELL.

I THOUGHT
I HAD AN ALLY.

AS MUCH AS I WANTED
TO BE THE VICTIM
IN THE SITUATION,

IN THE WORLD OF COMEDY,

IT WAS BASICALLY SAYING
THAT WAS UNACCEPTABLE.

LIKE, YOU COULD
NOT COWER OUT

EVEN TO THIS
GUYS IGNORANCE

AND HIS RUDE
RACIAL BEHAVIOR.

YOU'RE LIKE, YOU HAVE TO
DECIDE TO DO SOMETHING

THAT'S GONNA BE THE
COMEDIAN IN THE SITUATION.

SEE, WHEN YOU HECKLE ME,

YOU'RE TRYING TO HURT
MY FEELINGS.

JUST KNOW,
I'M DEAD ON THE INSIDE.

I'M, THIS IS
BURNT WOOD, MAN.

I'VE BEEN DOING COMEDY
FOR 16 YEARS.

MY SOUL HAS BEEN
GANGBANGED BY CLOWNS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

LIKE, IT IS DEAD,
AND IT IS GONE.

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT
IN HERE FOR YOU TO HURT.

IT'S OVER.

AS SOMEONE
THAT DOESN'T LOOK,

UM, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

A KIND OF
GORGEOUS MODEL-TYPE,

UM, YOU GET USED,
UH, IN THE STREETS,

TO WALKING ALONG
AND GETTIN' ABUSE OFF PEOPLE

OUT OF CARS
AND OUT OF VANS,
YOU KNOW.

AND THE THING
ABOUT COMEDY

WAS THEY'RE RIGHT THERE
IN FRONT OF YOU.

AND SO I'D SORT OF BEEN
STORING IT UP

FOR QUITE A LONG TIME,
I THINK,

WANTING TO HAVE
A GO BACK AT THEM.

AND, UM, I, I, I FOUND IT,
LIKE, REALLY, ENJOYABLE.

I DON'T
LIKE HECKLERS,

BUT I'M FASCINATED
BY THEM.

AND, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T HAVE, LIKE,
BITS FOR HECKLERS,

BUT I JUST LOVE
GOING IN AND TALKING TO,

GIVING THEM THE ATTENTION
THAT THEY NEED SO BADLY.

AND TALKING ABOUT IT,
YOU KNOW,

AND WHERE THAT COMES FROM,

AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

YOU KNOW,
HOW CAN I MAKE YOU

FEEL GOOD
ABOUT YOURSELF?

ANOTHER, THING,
WAY OF CONTROLLING A ROOM,

WHICH, AGAIN,
CAN LEAD TO FANTASTIC DEATHS,

BUT REALLY
ENJOYABLE ONES,

IS TO TREAT
ABUSIVE HECKLES

AS IF THEY WERE
GENUINE ENQUIRIES.

FROM THE SIMPLE ONE, LIKE,
"WHY DON'T YOU FUCK OFF?"

TO ANSWER THAT IN TERMS

OF YOU'RE
CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED
TO STAY THERE.

YOU HAVE FINANCIAL
RESPONSIBILITIES

OVER AND ABOVE,
ONGOING

WITH MORTGAGE, FAMILY,

AND THAT THERE, THAT THERE IS
A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME

THAT YOU'RE
REQUIRED TO FULFILL.

UM, TO TREAT THINGS
AS, AS, GENUINE ENQUIRIES.

AND, UM,
AND THAT, THAT,

AND ACTUALLY TO ANSWER THEM
AT SUCH LENGTH

THAT THE PEOPLE REGRET
HAVING ASKED THE QUESTION
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

USUALLY IT'D BE LIKE
MAYBE THREE BACK-AND-FORTH'S,

AND THEN I COULD SHUT IT DOWN,
THEY USUALLY SHUT UP.

BUT IF THEY DON'T SHUT UP,

AND THEY'RE LIKE
PROBABLY REALLY DRUNK
OR WHATEVER,

THEN I INVITE THEM
TO THE STAGE.

"SO WOULD YOU
LIKE TO COME UP HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU
COME ON UP HERE?"

ONLY ONE TIME
HAVE I HAD A HECKLER

ACTUALLY COME UP TO THE STAGE
AND I HAND THE MIC,

I SAID,
"TELL A JOKE NOW.
TELL A JOKE."

AND THEN I RAN DOWN
INTO THE AUDIENCE AND SAT DOWN,

AND THEY STARTED
TELLING THEIR JOKE,

AND I STARTED HECKLING THEM
ALL THROUGH THEIR JOKE.

I WAS LIKE, "HEARD THAT!
THAT'S STUPID!

YOU DIDN'T
SAY THAT WORD RIGHT."

LIKE I HECKLE THEM
AFTER THEIR JOKE.

AND THEN I CAME IN,
THE AUDIENCE IS BUSTING UP
LAUGHING.

AND THEN I COME BACK
TO THE STAGE.

"SO HOW DOES IT FEEL?
HOW DID IT FEEL?

DO YOU FEEL
REALLY FUNNY NOW?

DO YOU FEEL LIKE
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING?"

THEY'RE LIKE,
"HEY, THAT WAS MESSED UP.

THAT WAS REAL FUCKED UP
YOU WAS DOIN' THAT."

"SO, OH, SO YOU DON'T LIKE IT
WHEN IT'S DONE TO YOU?

DO ONTO OTHERS
AS YOU WANT THEM
TO DO TO YOU.

GET YOUR ASS OFF MY STAGE."

AUDIENCE ARE LAUGHING,
ABOUT 600 PEOPLE,

EVERYONE'S LAUGHING.

THERE'S A TABLE HERE
WITH TWO MEN

WHO AREN'T LAUGHING,
THEY'RE IN THE FRONT.

THEY'RE IN MY EYE-LINE.

NOW I'M LIKE,
I'M GONNA MAKE...

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY
I SAID IT OUT LOUD,

I WENT,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU LAUGH
IF IT KILLS ME."

THEY'RE LAUGHING.
DOING SOMETHING AGAIN.

THEY'RE LAUGHING.
I WENT,

"MATE, WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?"
HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

THE GUY NEXT TO HIM SAID THIS
AND IT'S A QUOTE,

"MATE, HE DOESN'T
TALK TO NIGGERS."

IT'S WHAT HE SAID.
RIGHT?

AND THIS IS
IN THE NOUGHTIES THIS WAS,
2007 OR SOMETHING.

AND THE WHOLE AUDIENCE
WAS LIKE, [GASPS]!

AND I SAID,
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS COTTON PICKIN'
GRASS CHEWING NIGGER

WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T
WANT TO SPEAK TO HIM.

AND BY THE WAY,
WHO ARE YOU,

THE MOUTHPIECE
OF THE NON-NIGGER SPEAKER?"

D'YOU KNOW,
THE WHOLE AUDIENCE...

AND I JUST,
AND I NEVER NORMALLY
LOSE IT ONSTAGE

BUT THAT--
GLOVES ARE OFF.

AND EVERY SINGLE BIT OF ARSENAL
IN MY HEAD WAS LIKE,

BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!

THE AUDIENCE
ARE PISSIN' THEMSELVES.

NO REACTION, AND PEOPLE AROUND THAT
TABLE WERE SORT OF DOIN' THAT,

AND I'M GOING,
BANG, BANG.

AND THEN
AT THE END OF IT I WENT,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL TELL YOU
WHO'S GOT THE POWER.

THIS NIGGER WANTS YOU OUT.
FUCKIN' GET OUT."

AND THE WHOLE AUDIENCE,
"OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!"

[SAM]
I CONSIDER THIS THE GREATEST
HECKLE KILL OF ALL TIME.

I WAS DOING THIS SHOW
IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA.

AND I TALK
ABOUT THE TIME

I GOT MY ASS KICKED
BY MY GIRLFRIEND.

AND SUDDENLY IN THE BACK
I HEAR, "JOKE THIEF!"

I GO, "WHAT?"
AND SHE,

THIS CHICK IN THE BACK
GOES, "YOU'RE A JOKE THIEF."

AND I LOOK BACK
AND THERE'S THIS LITTLE
DESERT RAT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE BEEN
TO PHOENIX, ARIZONA,

BUT THEY BEEN IN THE SUN
TOO FUCKING LONG.

IT'S THE WORST COMBINATION
OF METH AND SUN

YOU'LL EVER MEET
IN YOUR LIFE.

JUST TALKING BACON,
NOBODY'S GOT TEETH.

THIS GUY IN THE FRONT ROW
IS LAUGHING AT EVERYTHING,

AND EVERY TIME HE'D LAUGH--
HE'S GOT NO TEETH--

HE'S LAUGHING.
I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING
CHASED BY PAC-MAN.

I LOOK IN THAT BACK,
THERE'S THIS FUCKIN' DESERT RAT

ABOUT 4'2" TALL
BUT BIG TITS,

SHE'S LIKE A TIT MIDGET,

JUST GIANT
BIG OLE BITTY TITTIES

ON THIS LIKE LITTLE CHICK,
BUT SHE'S SITTING ON

THIS GIANT,
WHITE ORANGUTAN,

THIS HUGE
WHITE SUPREMACIST,
FUCKIN' DUDE

WHO LOOKS LIKE
HE THOUGHT LIKE

"AMERICAN HISTORY X"
WAS A COMEDY.

LIKE A GIANT FUCKIN'
ANGRY, LIKE, SAS--

WHITE ALBINO SASQUATCH.

I GO, "LADY,
WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
THAT'S A REAL STORY.

I GOT THE SCARS
TO PROVE IT."

SHE GOES, "NO,
THAT'S JOE ROGAN'S JOKE."

NOW THE ROOM IS QUIET.

I GO, "OKAY,
HOW 'BOUT THIS?

I'LL CALL JOE
AND IF HE SAYS
IT'S HIS JOKE,

I'LL QUIT COMEDY.

IF HE SAYS
IT'S NOT HIS JOKE,

YOU HAVE
TO COME UP HERE

AND LET PAC-MAN
MOTORBOAT THEM TITS, OKAY?"

[CREW LAUGHING]

SHE'S LIKE,
"GOOD, GOOD,
BUT YOU WON'T

'CAUSE YOU'RE A JOKE THIEF."
SO I'M LIKE, OKAY.

I CALL JOE.
IT'S A FRIDAY NIGHT.

THE PHONE RINGS.
HE DOESN'T ANSWER.

I GO, "HE DIDN'T ANSWER."
"'COURSE HE DIDN'T,

'CAUSE YOU'RE
A FUCKING JOKE THIEF."

SUDDENLY THE PHONE RINGS,
AND IT'S JOE ROGAN.

SO I ANSWER THE PHONE,
I PUT IT ON SPEAKERPHONE.

I'M LIKE,
"JOE, WHAT'S UP?"

HE'S LIKE,
"WHAT'S UP, TRIPOLI,
YOU SAVAGE?"

I'M LIKE,
"JOE, DO YOU DO A JOKE

ABOUT GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED
BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND?"

HE'S LIKE, "NO, MAN!
I'M JOE ROGAN.

I DON'T FUCKIN'
GET MY ASS KICKED
BY ANYBODY."

I GO, "JOE,
YOU'RE THE BEST."
I HANG UP.

I'M LIKE,
"HEY, SWEETIE,

TIME TO PAY THE TOLL
TO THE TROLL."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

SHE'S LIKE, "FUCK YOU.
YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT."

AND SHE STARTS SCREAMING AT ME,
SCREAMING AT ME.

I'M LIKE,
"LADY, CALM THE FUCK--
IT'S A COMEDY SHOW."

OUTTA NOWHERE THIS OTHER CHICK
JUMPS UP AND SHE GOES,

"I THINK HE'S FUNNY."
AND JUST, WHACK!

DROPS THIS BIG TITTY BITCH.

[CREW LAUGHING]

I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO
45 MINUTES THAT NIGHT,

I'M 20 MINUTES
INTO THIS SET,
I'M LIKE,

"THAT'S THE BEST WE GET.
I GOTTA CALL IT A NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, DUDE."

[CEDRIC]
THE AUDIENCE IS A GROUP
OF WILD HORSES.

THEY'RE COMING IN
FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE.

THEY'RE IN THERE
AND THERE, ALL KINDS
OF STUFF IS GOIN' ON.

YOU KNOW, UNTIL WHEN YOU
WALK OUT ONSTAGE

THE ONLY THING
YOU CAN DO IS, LIKE,

GRAB THE REINS
AND JUST TRY TO RIDE IT,

LIKE, JUST TOTALLY
JUST TRY TO LIKE GET IT.

LIKE, AH,
EVERYBODY GET IN LINE.

AH! AH!
LIKE, LISTEN TO ME.
I'M THE GUY.

BECAUSE IF YOU
START TO LET PEOPLE KINDA
GO OFF ON THEIR OWN,

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

THIS GROUP IS OVER HERE
CHATTERING.

NOW THESE, THEY, THESE PEOPLE
WANNA TALK TO THEM.

SOMEBODY TELLS THAT GUY
TO SHUT UP.

THE NEXT THING
YOU KNOW,

YOU DON'T HAVE
THE ROOM AT ALL.

LIKE, AND IT'S THAT FAST.

OH, MAN,
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN DOING
STAND UP COMEDY.

WHETHER YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT
FOR TWO YEARS OR 25 YEARS

OR 30 YEARS,

YOU ARE NEVER EXEMPT
FROM A BAD NIGHT, NEVER.

DOESN'T MATTER
WHO YOU ARE.

YOU, WE,
THAT'S THE BEAUTY
OF COMEDY IS THAT

YOU'RE NOT
GUARANTEED TO KILL.

YOU KNOW THAT MOMENT
AFTER A BOXER

SORT OF GETS PUNCHED
THAT HE WASN'T EXPECTING

AND SORT OF HAS
A LITTLE STUMBLE.

WELL, THAT'S THE SAME
AS A COMIC

WHEN YOU DON'T GET A LAUGH
THAT YOU WERE EXPECTING.

OH, GOD, WHAT,
WHAT'S HAPPENED THERE?

AND A BLOKE
IN THE SECOND ROW, HE GOES,

"YOU CAN GO HOME
IF YOU WANT, SON."

AND I REMEMBER THINKING,

THAT IS WORSE
THAN BEING CALLED A TWAT.

LIKE THAT IS WORSE
THAN SOMEONE SAYING,
"FUCK OFF."

LIKE IT'S THE WORST THING,
A NICE, LIKE A NICE,

LIKE HE'S PUTTING ME
OUT OF MY MISERY.

HE'S NOT EVEN,
HE'S NOT A NASTY BLOKE.

HE'S ACTUALLY A NICE MAN,

SAYING, I CAN'T,
AS A HUMAN BEING,

I CAN'T WATCH
ANY MORE OF THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AS A MAN WHO,
WHO HAS HUMANS IN MY LIFE

THAT I LOVE

I CAN'T WATCH
THIS, TRAIN CRASH.

WHEN YOU HEAR
IN THE BACK OF A ROOM
SOMEBODY GO,

[WHISTLE SOUND DESCENDING]

[IMITATING EXPLOSION]

UGH.

IT'S SO MEAN.

IT'S SO FUCKING MEAN.

AND ALSO THE FACT
THAT IT'S A VERY LIGHT SOUND

AND IF YOU CAN HEAR IT,

THAT IS A TESTAMENT
TO THE SILENCE IN THE ROOM.

IT'S SO BRUTAL.

I'VE HAD 500 PEOPLE
IN A ROOM

AND IT'S BEEN GOING
SO BADLY

AND THAT IT WAS
SO MUCH SILENCE,

THAT AT THE BACK
OF THE ROOM I HEARD,

-"TUT." THAT WAS IT.
-[CREW LAUGHING]

JUST, "TUT."

AND IT JUST WAFTED
ALL ACROSS THE ROOM.

ONE TUT. "TUT."

HORRIBLE.

IT'S LIKE
THE CLICK OF A GUN,
[CLICKS TONGUE].

YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING NEXT.
[CLICKS TONGUE]

I REMEMBER
AND OLD LADY

CAME, CAME, WALKED TO THE
FRONT OF THE STAGE AND SAID,

"WHY, WHY DON'T
YOU GO AWAY?"

IT WASN'T EVEN A HECKLE.

I DON'T THINK
SHE HAD THE STRENGTH
TO HECKLE.

AND I SAID TO HER,
I REMEMBER,

"WELL, YOU'LL NEVER SEE ANOTHER
STRAWBERRY SEASON ANYWAY."

AND THERE WAS BOOING
FROM THE CROWD.

I MEAN,
EVERYTHING I DID.

I LOOKED TO THE WINGS.

THERE WAS THE D.J.,
THE OWNER OF THE CLUB

AND THE GUY WHO WAS AT THAT TIME,
CALLING HIMSELF MY AGENT,

GOING, "COME OFF.
COME OFF."

AND I WAS THINKING,
NO, THE NEXT, THE NEXT GAG
WILL TURN IT ROUND.

ONE NIGHT, UH,

JIM NORTON THREW
A PHONE BOOK AT ME

AT THE BOSTON COMEDY CLUB.

HE THROWS IT.

I'M BOMBING,

"OH, I'M SICK OF THIS!"
HE THROWS A PHONE BOOK.

"SOMEBODY CALL ANYBODY
OUTTA THAT BOOK

TO GET HIM OFF STAGE.

ANYBODY."

THE CROWD'S LAUGHING.

I JUST REMEMBER
LOOKING AT THE PHONE BOOK,

PICKING IT UP AND,
"THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT."

I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO
20 MINUTES.

I DID TWO.

'CAUSE I WALKED OUT THERE,
I BLACKED OUT,

AND APPARENTLY
ONSTAGE I WENT,

"[BABBLING]."

THAT'S ALL PEOPLE HEARD.

AND THEN I RAN,
I DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOODNIGHT,
I RAN OFFSTAGE,

AND THEN I BLACKED-OUT
AND I WOKE UP,

IN A, IN A WHITE-LIKE
GREEN ROOM

THAT WAS BRIGHTLY LIT,

AND MY AGENTS,
THEY'RE LAUGHING.

I HAVE NO SHIRT ON,
I HAD BEEN CRYING,

AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"WHAT HAP--"

I GO, "WHAT HAPPENED?"
THEY GO, "YOU WALKED UP ON THE STAGE

AND YOU JUST STARTED GOING,
[BABBLING].

YOU KNOW?

AND I GO, "WHY?
WHY DID I DO THAT?"

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
WAS I STARTED EATING IT AND I,

THATWAS THE FIRST TIME
AND THE LAST TIME

IT'S EVER HAPPENED,
WHERE LIKE,

A SENSE OF LIKE,
MY BODY WENT,

"YOU HAVE
TO PROTECT YOURSELF,

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
DEAL WITH THIS."

THIS IS LIKE BEING RAPED,
LIKE, IN PRISON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW,
IF I WAS EVER RAPED
IN PRISON,

I WOULD NEVER TALK ABOUT IT
AND I WOULD SAY THAT,

"PEOPLE, I WAS NEVER RAPED.
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BECAUSE YOUR BODY,
YOU CAN'T,

THE, THE, THE,
YOU KNOW, THE HUMILIATION

IS TOO MUCH
FOR THE HUMAN MIND
TO DEAL WITH.

A REAL BOO,
IS USUALLY STARTED OFF LIKE,

YOU HEAR ONE PERSON LIKE,
"Y-ARRR."

AND THEN YOU HEAR
ANOTHER BROTHER SAY,

"BOO!"

AND THEN IT'S QUIET,

AND THEY GIVE YOU
ANOTHER JOKE.

AND THEN YOU HEAR,

"OH! GET THE FUCK
OUTTA HERE."

NOW, HERE COMES EVERYBODY.

"Y-ARRR! BOO!

UUUHHH!

BOO!

[IMITATING NOISY CROWD]

GET THE FUCK
OUTTA HERE, BITCH!

[CROWD NOISE]

BOO!

NEXT!"

"BOO!"

I WAS LIKE, "WOW.
I DIDN'T EVEN SAY NOTHIN'."

THAT WAS LIKE,
"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY." "BOO!"

THEY BOOED ME HARDER
BECAUSE IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.

I THOUGHT
THAT WAS RUDE.

I HEARD THIS CHANT START OF,
"OFF! OFF! OFF!"

AND I, YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU LOOK
TO THE RIGHT LIKE THAT,
SCORSESE ZOOMS,

SOMEONE GOING,
"OFF! OFF!"

YOU LOOK AT
SOMEONE ELSE GOING,
"OFF! OFF!"

AND I LOOKED TO THE BACK
AND MY WIFE WAS THERE,

SHE WAS GOING,
"OFF! OFF! OFF!"

AND I CAME OFF AND SAID,
"WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"

SHE GOES, "I STARTED THIS CHANT
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T COME OFF."

AND I THOUGHT,
"LET'S GO FOR DINNER.
IT'S NOT WORKING."

SO SHE STARTED THE CHANT.

500 PEOPLE
IN THIS AUDIENCE
AT CHRISTMAS

WERE, WERE JUST GOING,
"FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF!"

AND I WAS LIKE THAT,

AND ALL I CAN SAY WAS,
"BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS."

AND THAT'S ALL I HAD.

"BUT IT'S,
IT'S CHRISTMAS."

LIKE PEOPLE CARE.

"FUCK OFF!"
UH, IT WAS HORRIBLE.

YOU WALKIN' OFF THE STAGE
AND YOU WALKIN' TOWARDS THE ROOM

AND YOU STILL HEAR,
[CROWD NOISES].

AND THEN THEY'RE LAUGHIN'
'CAUSE SOMEBODY

SAID SOMETHIN'
THAT'S FUNNY ABOUT SOMEONE.

[CROWD LAUGHING]
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THE HOST
THAT GOES OUT
ON THE STAGE,

HE SAYS SOMETHING
FUCKED UP ABOUT YOU,

'CAUSE THE CROWD'S
JUST DYIN' LAUGHIN'.

IT WAS LIKE, OH SHIT.
I'M LIKE, "DAMN."

♪ MM, MM,
MMM, MMM ♪

[LAUGHS]
AND IT'S THE SLOWEST

YOU KNOW, LIKE,

COWBOY WALK OFF,
LIKE EVERYTHING IS HAPPENIN' IN
SLOW MOTION.

YOU CAN JUST SEE, LIKE, PEOPLE
LOOKIN' AT YOU LIKE,

"YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER."

YOU GET, YOU KNOW, IT'S THE
WHOLE ROOM,

EVERYTHING IS SLOW MOTION, LIKE,
YOU KNOW,

THE MIC CORD IS LIKE,
[DRAGGING SOUND].

[CROWD CHATTER]

I STARTED DOIN' THE JOKES AND
COULD FEEL THAT THING WHEREAS A
COMIC YOU START TRYING

TO SPEED UP THE MATERIAL.

AND THEN AFTER 30 MORE SECONDS
OF THAT

YOU REALISE, "OH, SHIT.
I'M IN TROUBLE."

AND SHORTLY AFTER THAT
I REALISE,

I AM BOMBING.
RIGHT?

AND I DIDN'T HAVE
THE WHEREWITHAL

TO BE ABLE
TO EMBRACE THE BOMB.

I DIDN'T HAVE
THE TOOLS

TO BE ABLE
TO SILENCE THE HECKLERS.

AND THEN AFTER, MAYBE,
TWO OR THREE PEOPLE,

GOT, YOU KNOW, SAY,
OH, WE CAN CONTROL THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE CROWD REALISED THAT,
"WE'RE PART OF THE SHOW, TOO.

SO IF THIS GUY
ISN'T GIVING US
WHAT WE WANT,

THEN, FUCK,
WE'LL GIVE OURSELVES
WHAT WE WANT

WHICH IS
TO GET HIS ASS
OFF STAGE."

AND THEN IT JUST,
THE SURROUND SOUND KICKED IN.

THEY STARTED BOOING,
AND THERE'S, YOU KNOW,
IT'S LIKE...

AND IT WAS THE ONLY TIME
WHERE I PHYSICALLY

PUT THE MICROPHONE
BACK IN THE MIC STAND

AND SAID,
"THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME."

AND I TOOK,
IT WAS, IT LITERALLY CRUSHED ME

TO TAKE,
THAT IS A LOT.

TO PUT IT BACK?

AND, MAN!

NOW THINKING ABOUT IT.

SHIT.

SO...

IT'S FUNNY.

UM...

BERNIE MAC WENT OUT...

AND, THIS DUDE
WAS SO GRACIOUS.

HE WENT OUT
AND TOLD THE AUDIENCE
THAT, YOU KNOW,

THAT I WAS A GREAT COMIC.

MADE ME COME BACK OUT,
MADE THEM GIVE ME

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

AND, UH,
IT WAS FUNNY.

THIS IS, THERE IS ACTUALLY
A FUNNY PART TO THIS STORY.

SO HOPEFULLY
I CAN GET TO IT.

BUT...

SHOW WAS OVER.

THE, THE,
OKAY, I'LL GET TO
THE FUNNY PART

'CAUSE IT'LL MAKE THIS
EASIER TO TELL.

ON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE
IS RICHARD DENT, BO JACKSON,

AND MICHAEL JORDAN.

FUCK!
YOUR LIFE!

IT'S MICHAEL FUCKIN' JORDAN

YOU JUST GOT BOOED OFFSTAGE
IN FRONT OF MOTHERFUCKER!

AH! RIGHT?

SO... AFTER THE SHOW,

UH...

YOU KNOW, THE SHOW,
THE REST OF THE SHOW WAS GREAT.

YOU KNOW,
THE REST OF THE SHOW
WAS PHENOMENAL.

RIGHT?

AND SO, AFTER THE SHOW,

ALL OF THE OTHER COMICS,

THERE'S ALL
OF THIS GREAT ENERGY

AND THEY'RE ALL
TALKING TO MICHAEL JORDAN.

AND, AND, YOU KNOW,

HIGH-FIVIN'
AND THERE'S LAUGHTER
GOIN' ON.

AND I'M OFF IN THE CORNER
BEHIND THE THEATRE CURTAIN,

LIKE, PEEKIN' OUT
LIKE THIS,

YOU KNOW,
THINKIN' TO MYSELF,

MR. MICHAEL JORDAN
DON'T WANNA MEET ME.

I GOT BOOED.
RIGHT?

AND SO I STAYED AWAY.
RIGHT?

I GOT ROBBED
OF AN OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE
THIS GREAT EXPERIENCE

WITH, YOU KNOW,
ARGUABLY

THE GREATEST BASKETBALL
PLAYER IN HISTORY

AND THESE OTHER
WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

AND HERE'S THE KICKER.

THAT WAS THE FIRST SHOW.

THERE WAS A SECOND SHOW
THAT NIGHT.

SO IMAGINE
WHAT THE EXPERIENCE IS

THAT YOU HAVE TO GO OUT

AND DO ANOTHER SHOW
AFTER THAT.

[PAUL]
IT'S LIKE, THERE'S NO OXYGEN,
AND YOU CAN'T STOP.

IF YOU STOP,

YOU LOSE.

BECAUSE WE'RE ALL TRYING
TO JUST BE WHO WE ARE.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE A MUSICIAN

AND YOU GO UP THERE
YOU'VE GOT SONGS

THAT YOU
OR SOMEBODY ELSE
HAS WRITTEN.

IF YOU'RE A PAINTER,
YOU GOT THROUGH WHAT YOU DID

WITH PAINT.

IT'S ALL THERE,
AND IT'S SEPARATE
FROM WHO YOU ARE.

WITH A COMEDIAN,
IT'S YOU.

THERE IS NOTH--
IT'S YOU.

THEY DON'T NOT LIKE
YOUR MATERIAL.

THEY DON'T NOT LIKE
THE CLOTHES YOU'RE WEARING.

THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.

IT'S ABOUT AS PERSONAL
AS IT GETS.

AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY TRAUMATIC

WHEN YOU HAVE
THOSE NIGHTS WHERE

IT'S, IT, IT, IT JUST, IT HITS YOU ON
AN EXISTENTIAL LEVEL.

SO NOT DOING WELL
AS A COMEDIAN

IS NOT JUST HAVING
A ROUGH DAY AT WORK.

IT'S AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

NOW YOU'RE
JUST IN THIS ROOM
BY YOURSELF.

AND ALL THE PEOPLE
WHO FOLLOW YOU TO THE ROOM

WHEN YOU HAVE A,
WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD SHOW...

NOBODY'S THERE.

YOU'RE IN THE ROOM
BY YOURSELF.

YOU'RE WAITIN' TO HEAR
THE DOOR OPEN

FOR SOMEBODY TO SAY,
"YOU ALL RIGHT?"

AND THEY NEVER
COME TO THE DOOR.

IT HURTS MORE THAN
GOING TO YOUR MOTHER'S FUNERAL.

BOMBING,
IT HURTS THAT BAD.

DRIVING BACK
TO NEW YORK CITY

I WANTED TO DRIVE OFF
THE TAPPAN ZEE BRIDGE,

IT WAS REALLY BAD.

I MEAN,
JUST TERRIBLE.

HERE'S WHAT BOMBING IS.

YOU JUMP OUT OF A PLANE
YOU HAVE A PARACHUTE, RIGHT?

YOU PULL THE CHUTE,
IT DOESN'T OPEN.

YOU GO
TO YOUR EMERGENCY CHUTE,

THAT DOESN'T OPEN.

THEN YOU'RE LOOKING DOWN
FOR A BODY OF WATER

OR A HAYSTACK,
TO LAND ON

AND YOU TRY
TO FLAP YOUR ARMS,

AND YOU,
YOU CAN'T FLY.

YOU'RE JUST FALLING,
FALLING.

BUT YOU NEVER HIT
THE GROUND.

YOU JUST FALL
AND FALL AND FALL.

AND WHEN YOU WALK OFF STAGE,
YOU'RE STILL FALLING.

YOU GET OUT TO THE LOBBY,
NO ONE'S LOOKING AT YOU.

THE CLUB, "UH, HEY, UH."
YOU'RE STILL FALLING.

YOU GET IN A CAB,
YOU'RE STILL FALLING.

YOU GO HOME,
YOU LAY IN THE BED,
YOU'RE STILL

FALLING, FALLING.

IT'S JUST THIS HORRIBLE,
EMPTY, DARK FEELING.

YOU KNOW WHAT
BOMBING FEELS LIKE?

BOMBING FEELS LIKE
YOUR DAD SLAPPING YOU

IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY
AT A BARBEQUE.

AND THEN YOU
GOTTA GO SIT DOWN

WITH YOUR FACE BURNING

AND YOUR EYE IS TEARING UP
FOR NO REASON

AND PRETEND
LIKE NOBODY SAW SHIT.

AND THE WHOLE TIME
YOUR EATING LIKE THIS,

[SNIFFLING]

"HEY, MAN.

CAN YOU PASS THE,
[SNIFFLES]...

CAN YOU PASS
THE MASHED POTATOES PLEASE?"

LIKE, YOU EVER GOT BEAT
BY YOUR DAD

AND A RELATIVE
WAS WATCHING YOU

AND YOU'RE LIKE GETTING BEAT
AND WATCH THEM LIKE THIS,

[SNIFFLES]...

BUT HE CAN'T HELP YOU?

THAT'S WHAT BOMBING
FEELS LIKE, MAN.

YOU REALLY START
LOOKIN' AT EVERYTHING

WHEN YOU GET
BOOED OFF THE STAGE.

YOU COULD HAVE
TEN FUCKIN' GOOD SHOWS,

BUT WHEN THEY BOO YOU
OFF THE STAGE,

YOU START
THINKIN' ABOUT

YOUR FUTURE,
LIKE YOUR FINANCES.

A FUCKIN' BOO
WOULD DO YOU LIKE THAT.

WHEN YOU GET BOOED OFF
THE FUCKIN' STAGE,

AND YOU RUNNING STRAIGHT HOME
AND START THINKIN' ABOUT,

"DAMN.

I MIGHT HAVE
TO SEND THIS FUCKING
FURNITURE SET BACK...

TO RENT-A-CENTER."

WE CAN LIVE IN A,
ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN,

OR BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN
TYPE MINDSET.

OH, WHAT I TRY TO DO
IS, NOT NOTICE IT.

LIKE, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU, IF YOU TELL A JOKE OR,

YOU KNOW ME,
I LIVE AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE OCEAN IF--

OH, I DIDN'T THINK
THAT WENT RIGHT!

AHH!

AND SO IF,
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

IT USED TO JUST LITERALLY,
I, IT WOULD KILL ME.

AND NOW I'M ABLE TO, UH, UH,

FLOAT THROUGH IT NOW
BECAUSE, UH, I HAVE MONEY.

[CREW LAUGHING]

I GOT MONEY.
I'M VERY FAMOUS.

FUCK IT.

UH, BUT YOU GOTTA
CONCENTRATE ON, UH,

UH, UH, UH, OTHER THINGS.

AND WHEN YOU
LOOK AT ROBIN WILLIAMS,
GOD BLESS HIM,

WHEN YOU LOOK
AT PEOPLE LIKE THAT WHO,

WE, WE, WE,
WE LIVE FOR THE THIRST
OF, LAUGH AT US.

YOU KNOW,
WE NEED THAT.

THAT'S HOW WE EAT.

AND WHEN YOU
TAKE THAT FROM US,

YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE BIT OF US DIES.

[BOBBY]
BOMBING IS A NECESSARY EVENT.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY
ONE GETS BETTER.

BUT EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS,
IT'S VERY PAINFUL.

[JOHN THOMSON]
YOU'VE GOT TO DIE
TO GET GOOD.

THE MORE PAIN
THAT YOU GO THROUGH
AS AN INDIVIDUAL,

ON THAT STAGE,

THE BETTER
YOU WILL PROBABLY GET.

UM, I MEAN,

IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING
REGULAR PAIN

WITHOUT ANY KIND
OF LAUGHTER,

I WOULD SAY RETIRE.

BOMBING IS THE HUMBLER,
YOU KNOW?

JUST WHEN YOU THINK
IT'S GOING GREAT AND THEN
YOU START BOMBING

YOU'RE LIKE,
"WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

I'M NOT, I'M NOT,
I'M NOT KILLING.
I'M BOMBING."

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO DO
EVERYTHING POSSIBLE

TO GET OUT OF THAT HOLE.
I LIKE THAT.

IT GETS TO THE POINT
LIKE DRIVING A CAR.

WHEN YOU LEARN
TO DRIVE A CAR
YOU THINK,

"WELL, I COULD HIT ANYTHING
AT ANY POINT HERE.

I'M JUST LEARNING,
AND I'VE JUST PASSED MY TEST."

[GROANING]

BUT THEN THERE COMES A POINT
IN YOUR DRIVING CAREER

WHERE YOU DON'T
THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU DON'T THINK
THAT ANYTHING DRASTIC

AND DAMAGING AND DREADFUL
IS GONNA HAPPEN,

BECAUSE YOU, YOU KNOW HOW
TO GET OUT OF FUCK UP.

[CHRIS]
WHEN YOU BOMB
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG

IT'S DEVASTATING

'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
THE SK-, THE NECESSARY SKILLS

TO KEEP IT GOING.

YOU COULD BOMB
WHEN YOU'RE OLDER

AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW
YOU'RE BOMBING.

WHERE, ONLY YOU KNOW
YOU'RE BOMBING,

'CAUSE YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL.

YOU USE EVERY TRICK
OF THE TRADE.

I TOOK SO MANY, MAN.

SO MANY, LIKE, I'M,

I'M SO PREPARED
FOR ANYTHING BAD.

THERE'S NOTHING BAD
THAT CAN HAPPEN TO ME

THAT I'M NOT PREPARED FOR.

I'VE HAD TO MAKE
A SEPARATION IN MY HEAD

BETWEEN ME,
AND THE, THE, COMEDIAN
STEWART LEE.

AND THE COMEDIAN
STEWART LEE

THINKS HE'S REALLY
BRILLIANT.

AND THAT, IF,

IF HE DOESN'T GO
REALLY WELL,

IT IS THE FAULT OF PEOPLE
FOR NOT APPRECIATING HIS GENIUS.

SO IF HE GOES TO SILENCE,

HE WALKS OFFSTAGE
WITH HIS OWN SELF-BELIEF

ACTUALLY STRENGTHENED.

OBVIOUSLY ON SOME LEVEL,
I DO THINK THAT AS WELL.

BUT I DON'T THINK IT
AS MUCH AS HIM.

WHAT IT DOES MAKE YOU DO

IS TO LET YOU KNOW
WHERE THE BOTTOM IS.

AND ONCE YOU KNOW
WHERE THE BOTTOM IS,

THEN YOU CAN KNOW
WHETHER YOU CAN TAKE IT OR NOT.

SO I TELL COMICS
ALL THE TIME,

"YOU DON'T KNOW
IF YOU CAN BE A COMIC, YET.

YOU'LL FIND OUT

AFTER YOU CATCH
THE WORST BOO OF YOUR LIFE.

IF YOU CAN
COME BACK FROM THAT,

THEN YOU'LL BE FINE.

IF YOU CAN'T
COME BACK FROM THAT,
IF THAT BOTHERS YOU,

IF YOU GOTTA TAKE
A COUPLE WEEKS OFF,

YOU GOTTA,
YOU GOTTA GO TO COUNSELING,

YOU GOTTA TALK
TO SOMEBODY ABOUT IT.

YOU GOTTA, AH...

YOU'RE STRESSED OUT,
YOU'RE SCRATCHIN'

AND YOU'RE RIPPING UP PAGES
OUT YOUR JOKE BOOK,

YOU WON'T BE AROUND
THAT LONG.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT."

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

[ROYALE]
I GO DOWN INTO
THE GREEN ROOM

AND THERE'S
ANOTHER COMIC THERE
AND HE SAID,

"WHEN YOU GO OUT
THE NEXT SHOW,"

HE SAID,
"GO TO THE VERY FRONT
OF THE STAGE"

AND HE SAID,
"STAND ON THE FRONT
OF THE STAGE

AND DO NOT MOVE

UNTIL YOU KNOW YOU HAVE
FULL CONTROL OF THIS AUDIENCE."

HE SAID,
"IF ONE PERSON
SAYS ANYTHING,

HE SAID,
I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAN
SEE THEM OR NOT,

WHETHER IT'S A GIRL, BOY,

YOU MAKE IT
WHO YOU NEED IT TO BE,

AND YOU TALK ABOUT THEM SO MUCH
UNTIL THEY MOTHER DIES.

AND HE SAID,
"IN THAT WAY,

THE REST OF THE PEOPLE
IN THE ROOM

WILL KNOW
NOT TO FUCK WITH YOU."

AND IT WAS PROBABLY

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT
LESSONS I'VE LEARNED

DOING STAND UP.

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?"

-"LEROY?"
-[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

THE SECOND SHOW
I HAD A GREAT TIME.

NO MICHAEL JORDAN THOUGH.

HE LEFT.

[GARY]
THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS
TELL SOMEBODY

WHO WANTS TO GET INTO
STAND UP.

IT'S REALLY GOTTA BE
A CALLING.

IT'S REALLY... NOT WORTH IT

IF IT ISN'T A CALLING.

IT IS TOO PAINFUL
AND TOO DIFFICULT

IF IT ISN'T A CALLING.

WE ALL HAVE
OUR DARK PARTS
OF OUR LIVES.

WHETHER YOU POOR,
WHETHER YOU HAVE SOMETHING.

EVERYBODY HAS SOMETHING
TO DRAW FROM

THAT IS PAIN
IN THEY LIFE

THAT MAKES 'EM FUNNY.

[TIFFANY]
RIGHT WHEN I, USUALLY WHEN
I PULL UP TO THE PLACE,

I JUST LOOK AT IT
AND I VISUALISE

EVERYONE INSIDE LAUGHING,

AND THEN I GO,
THEN I LAUGH A LITTLE BIT...

[LAUGHS TO SELF]

AND I GO, "I AM FUNNY.
I AM HILARIOUS.

I'M TALENTED.
I'M SPECIAL.

AND IF NOBODY ELSE
NOTICES IT,

THAT'S BECAUSE
THEY'RE SLOW.

SOMETHING'S WRONG
WITH THEM."

FOR ME IT'S,
EVERY TIME I GET ONSTAGE,

IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE.

BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT I COULD,

THIS COULD HAPPEN FOR ME.

I MEAN, I'M TELLING YOU,
WHEN I WAS 13 YEARS OLD,

I KNEW
I WAS GOING TO JAIL.

I KNEW
I WAS GONNA GO
TO JAIL,

AND I KNEW I WAS GONNA BE
SOMEBODY'S BABY MAMA.

'CAUSE THAT WAS MY REALITY.

THAT'S WHAT
I SAW AROUND ME.

I WAS GETTING IN TROUBLE
EVERY DAY AT SCHOOL

AND MY SOCIAL WORKER
WAS LIKE, "LOOK, TIFFANY.

YOU GOT TWO CHOICES,

YOU CAN EITHER GO TO
THE LAUGH FACTORY COMEDY CAMP

OR YOU CAN GO
TO PSYCHIATRIC THERAPY.

WHICH ONE
DO YOU WANNA DO?"

I SAID,
"WELL, I'LL GO TO
THE COMEDY CAMP."

AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

WHEN YOU'RE
IN FOSTER CARE

AND YOU'RE BEING MOVED
FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE,

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE,

MY MAMA DON'T LOVE ME.

SHE JUST
CARE ABOUT HERSELF.

YOU KNOW, MY DAD,
HE'S RUNNIN' FROM THE LAW.

HE DON'T CARE ABOUT ME.

MY BROTHERS
AND SISTERS HATE ME.

YOU KNOW, MY STEP-DAD
THINKS I'M STUPID AND DUMB.

NOBODY LOVES ME.

AND THEN YOU GET TO BE
A PART OF SOMETHING.

LIKE, AND IT'S PEOPLE,

IT'S PEOPLE THERE,
THOSE MEN THERE,

I DON'T EVEN THINK
THEY REALISE

HOW THEY ENCOURAGED ME
AND HELPED ME SO MUCH.

'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE
ANY MEN IN MY LIFE SAY,

"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE TALENTED.

YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOU'RE SMART.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING."

LIKE THAT,
THOSE EIGHT WEEKS,

WERE THE MOST AMAZING
EIGHT WEEKS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THAT WAS WHERE
THE FOUNDATION

FOR WHO I AM TODAY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
AND IT, AND IT...

UGH!
[SNIFFLES]

YEAH.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER,
PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[KEENEN]
COMEDIANS ARE DAMAGED PEOPLE.

THEY'VE, UH,
GONE THROUGH A LOT

OF PAINFUL EXPERIENCES
IN THEIR LIFE.

AND THEY'RE VERY
VULNERABLE PEOPLE.

THE SHIELD IS, "HA HA HA!
I CAN LAUGH AT THIS."

BUT THAT DOESN'T
CHANGE THE PAIN.

SO WHEN THESE GUYS
GO BACK TO THEIR LIFE,

THAT PAIN
IS STILL THERE.

LIKE IF I MAKE IT
THROUGH LIKE A COUPLE
OF STEPS IN THE DAY

I'M LIKE,
FUCK YEAH.

YOU KNOW,
BASIC ASS SHIT.

LIKE, IF I MAKE IT
OUTTA THE DOOR

BY 11:30A.M., DUDE,
COME ON, MAN,

IT MUST BE
CHRISTMAS, SON.

[CREW LAUGHING]

BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCK UP.

WHAT WEIRDO WOULD SAY,

I NEED TO STAND IN FRONT
OF 2- 3- 400 PEOPLE A NIGHT

AND GET THEM TO LAUGH AT ME
SO I CAN EVEN FEEL LIKE

A REGULAR PERSON ENOUGH,
SO I CAN GO TO BED?

EVERYBODY ELSE
JUST WATCHES A LITTLE BIT
OF "MODERN FAMILY"

AND THAT'S A WRAP.

WE'RE DOIN'
ALL THIS BULLSHIT.

I HAVE DO DRIVE SOMEWHERE
TO GET APPROVAL FROM PEOPLE

I DON'T EVEN
FUCKIN' KNOW.

AND THEN LEAVE.

DUDE,
I WANNA, CAN I BE HONEST
WITH YOU?

I DON'T BOMB A LOT.
I BOMB VERY RARELY.

I BOMB IN LIFE.

I BOMB IN FUCKING LIFE.

I'M, RIGHT NOW,
I'M BOMBING.

RIGHT NOW,
UH, UH, UH,

I GO, I GO ONSTAGE,
PEOPLE LAUGH HEARTILY.

THEY, THEY SAY THAT,
YOU KNOW,

THERE'S, THERE'S SOMETHING
BEHIND YOUR JOKES.
THERE'S SUBSTANCE.

AND THEN I,
SOMETIMES I GOTTA
ASK FOR A SWIPE

TO GET ON THE SUBWAY
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE $2.50.

SO...

I...

I SUFFER
FROM DEPRESSION.

I, I DON'T, UM...

I, I, I, YOU KNOW...

I'VE BEEN DIAGNOSED
WITH SEVERAL DIFFERENT
TYPES OF DEPRESSION.

I DON'T KNOW
WHICH ONES TO BELIEVE.

UM, BUT,

NO, I, I DEFINITELY
HAVE DEPRESSION.

BUT I'VE HAD,
I HAD THAT BEFORE
I WAS A COMEDIAN.

I DON'T THINK COMEDY
EVER CAUSED THAT IN MY LIFE.

AND I ALSO,
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE

WHO DON'T SUFFER
FROM DEPRESSION AT ALL.

IT'S JUST,
I BELIEVE THAT MAYBE

COMEDY GETS
LABELLED WITH THE,

WE'RE ALL MANIC DEPRESSIVES

BECAUSE IT'S
THE ONLY OCCUPATION

WHERE YOU'RE ALLOWED
TO CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT

BEING A MANIC DEPRESSIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE
THAT THINK FOR A LIVING

IS GONNA BE SAD.

YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS SAY,
"IGNORANCE IS BLISS."

RIGHT?
SO WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE?

YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T BE,

THERE'S NO GREAT
IGNORANT COMEDIANS.

YOU GOTTA BE AWARE
OF EVERYTHING.

SO KNOWING,
YOU CAN KNOW TOO MUCH.

BUT, UH,
I MEAN MANIC DEPRESSIVE?

NAH, BUT DEFINITELY NOT AS HAPPY
AS THE AVERAGE IDIOT.

-YEAH.
-[CREW LAUGHING]

I USE COMEDY,

I SUPPOSE A LOT
OF PEOPLE DO, TO,
TO MITIGATE PAIN.

THEY'RE THINKIN',
IT, THAT'S WHY PEOPLE
WHO COME FROM

UH, SAY, DYSFUNCTIONAL
BACKGROUNDS,

ARE BETTER AT COMEDY,
YOU KNOW?

I THINK WELL ADJUSTED,
YOU KNOW, UH...

I DON'T KNOW MANY
WELL ADJUSTED SPIRITUAL PEOPLE

WHO ARE FUNNY.

IT WOULD BE VERY RARE
TO FIND A GOOD COMIC

WHO HAD NOT FELT

DISENFRANCHISED FROM SOMETHING
OR DISCONNECTED

THAT, YOU KNOW,
YOU ARE LOOKING,

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A GROUP,

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A WORLD
AND YOU'RE NOT PART OF IT.

YOU'RE LOOKING
THROUGH THE WINDOW.

AND THAT'S WHY,
I THINK,

THERE'S A, THERE'S SOME
QUITE BLAND COMICS AROUND

WHO FEEL LIKE
THEY'RE IN THE GROUP,

THEY FEEL LIKE
THEY'RE IN A GOLF CLUB.

WHEREAS AT THE ONES
I REALLY LIKE

ARE JUST A LITTLE BIT ODD.

I THINK WE ARE, WE ARE THE ODD PEOPLE
AND THAT'S HOW WE FIT IN.

BY SHOWING OUR ODDNESS.

SEE THAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH ME.

I DIDN'T GROW UP ONE OF THEM
NIGGERS WHO WERE,

WE DIDN'T HAVE,
WE WAS EATEN SHOES AND SHIT,

AND MY DADDY
KICKED US OUT.

I WAS LIKE,
WE WAS BORN IN MISSISSIPPI.

I WAS A SPOILED FAT KID
FROM SAN DIEGO, YOU KNOW?

SO I WAS JUST,
I DIDN'T HAVE A BAD LIFE.

I WAS THE BAD PART
OF THE LIFE.

I WAS JUST LIKE,
HERE THIS NIGGER COME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

I MEAN, I DIDN'T HAVE,
I HAD A GREAT,

YOU KNOW, MY FATHER DROVE
A JAGUAR IN '76.

SO, HE WAS
SELLING COCAINE,

BUT, WE HAD
A GREAT LIFE.

COMEDY IS PROBABLY THE REASON
WHY I'M NOT CRAZY.

LIKE THEY SAY
MOST COMEDIANS ARE CRAZY.

I CAN SAY ON PAPER,
"I'M NOT CRAZY."

AND I,
LIKE I'VE REALLY,

I LAUGH AT THE FACT
THAT I CAN SAY THAT.

BECAUSE AS COMEDIANS,
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.

WE SHOULD BE.

WHEN WE'RE ONSTAGE,
WE TALK TO OURSELVES.

WE LOOK AROUND
AS IF OTHER PEOPLE ARE THERE
WHEN WE'RE TALKIN'.

WE RESPOND
TO WHAT WE JUST SAID.

IT CREATES
A WORLD FOR US THAT'S A,

IT'S A SAFE HAVEN
ONSTAGE.

AND NO MATTER
WHAT WE'RE DOING,

NO MATTER
WHAT WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT

IT'S OKAY
AT THAT MOMENT.

I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ELSE,

BECAUSE STAND UP
HAS BEEN A PART OF MY LIFE

FOR, LIKE,
18 YEARS, PERFORMING.

AND IT'S THE NUMBER ONE
THING IN MY LIFE.

THE REASON
WHY I'VE NEVER HAD KIDS

AND I NEVER HAD A WIFE
WAS BECAUSE OF STAND UP.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE,

I MEAN,
I LOVE THE GIRLFRIEND
I HAVE NOW

AND SHE IS WONDERFUL,
SHE REALLY IS,

I LOVE HER.

BUT THE KIND OF LOVE
I HAVE FOR STAND UP

IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT,
YOU KNOW?

AND I DON'T THINK
ANY HUMAN BEING

CAN REPLACE THAT LOVE.

AND I'LL DO IT
TO THE END OF TIME.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE,

I FEEL LIKE
THERE'S SO MANY THINGS

THAT ARE JUST LIKE
A WAY YOU CHOOSE

TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

IT'S LIKE,
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CHOOSE
TO KEEP DOING THIS.

AND IT'S DEFINITELY
NOT LIKE A GREAT WAY

TO INVEST IN YOUR
ROMANTIC LIFE,

THIS CAREER PATH.

BUT I FEEL LIKE

IF YOU HAVE
THE CAPABILITY TO,
TO DO THIS,

YOU GOTTA DO IT.

I LOVE MY FAMILY.

I LOVE MY WIFE.
I LOVE MY CHILDREN.

BUT THIS...

[LAUGHS]

THIS, IT IS A...

I, THE, THE, THE, THE LAST CHRISTMAS

MY CHILDREN MADE THIS,
UH, COLLAGE OF,

OF, FOR CHRISTMAS
AND IT HAD,

IT WAS FOR ME,
AND IT WAS A TAPE.

IN EVERY SINGLE ONE
OF THOSE, UH, SCENES

I WAS ALMOST NOT IN.

FROM THE TIME
THEY WERE VERY LITTLE,

TO GOIN' OFF TO COLLEGE,
TO COMIN' HOME.

AND I SHOULD'VE BEEN SAD.

BUT I KNEW I WAS GONE
DOIN' SOMETHING THAT I LOVED,

AND I WAS OKAY.

AND, AND I,
AND I FELT...

HORRIBLE THAT I FELT

THAT I'D DONE
THE RIGHT THING.

WHEN YOU HAVE A JOB

THAT'S FUN,
THAT'S YOUR DREAM JOB,

AND THEN YOU HAVE
SOMEONE IN THEIR LIFE

WHO ISN'T DOING
THEIR DREAM JOB,

WHICH IS 99 PERCENT
OF THE POPULATION.

99 PERCENT OF THE WORLD
GO TO WORK AND THEY DO IT,

IT'S, IT'S NOT CALLED PLAY,
IT'S CALLED WORK,

AND YOU GO THERE
TO EARN MONEY.

AND THE PEOPLE
PAY YOU JUST ENOUGH

SO YOU KEEP ON
COMING BACK.

AND THAT'S THE LEVEL OF PAY
THAT PEOPLE ARE PAID.

ENOUGH THAT YOU'LL
COME BACK.

RIGHT?

AND WHEN YOU GOT SOMEONE
WHO'S IN A JOB LIKE THAT

AND YOU'RE IN A JOB
WHERE YOU LOVE IT,

RESENTMENT DOES SET IN,
I FIND.

THAT AND THE CHEATING.

[CREW LAUGHING]

I HAVE TREATED STAND UP

WITH A, WITH A CERTAIN AMOUNT
OF INGRATITUDE

CONSIDERING WHAT IT GAVE ME.

'CAUSE IT,
IT CHANGED MY LIFE
COMPLETELY.

I WAS, I WAS, YOU KNOW,
I WAS JUST A DRIFTER.

I HAD NO IDEA
WHAT I WAS GONNA DO
FOR A LIVING.

AND, AND I WAS LIVIN' IN A,
YOU KNOW, A BEDSIT.

AND STAND UP
CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR ME.

AND I REALLY
BELIEVE IN IT.

I BELIEVE THAT IT,
YOU KNOW,

IT NEEDS
TO BE DONE PROPERLY

AND TO BE DONE
WITH PROPER RESPECT.

FOR THE, FOR THE BEST,
I THINK FOR THE BEST STAND UPS

WHAT'S GREAT IS WHEN IT'S,
UM, ABOUT SOMETHING.

WHEN COMEDY
IS USED TO SHED SOME LIGHT

ON THE HUMAN CONDITION
AND, UH,

REVEAL SOMETHING TRUTHFUL.

COMEDIAN'S JOB
IS TO SAY THE THINGS

THAT EVERYBODY'S
AFRAID TO SAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE, YOU'RE,
YOU ARE EVERYBODY'S
INNER THOUGHTS.

YOU ARE THEIR S-,
YOU ARE THEIR CONSCIENCE.

YOU KNOW, SO WHATEVER
YOU'RE AFRAID TO SAY,

WE'RE,
OUR JOB IS TO SAY IT.

I THINK COMEDY,
TO AN EXTENT,

I HATE TO SAY IT'S INNOCENT,
BUT TO AN EXTENT

IT'S A SPACE
THAT PEOPLE CREATED TO GO,

"WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF WE TOOK THE RULES AWAY?"

AND NOW WE'RE
IN A POSITION WHERE,

"SHOULDN'T WE HAVE
SOME RULES OVER THERE?"

YOU'RE LIKE,
"WELL, NO, THIS IS A SPACE
WHERE THERE'S NO RULES."

UM, BUT ALSO, IT'S JUST A WAY
OF LOOKIN' AT IT.

MAYBE YOU'RE CONDITIONED INTO
A WAY OF LOOKIN' AT THE WORLD.

SO I SEE EVERYTHING
AS JOKES.

I SEE EVERYTHING
AS COMEDY.

I MEAN, IF YOU, IF YOU SAY
YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT,

THAT'S FINE.

IF YOU SAY
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE IT,

YOU KNOW THAT'S,

I WAS GONNA SAY,
"THAT'S OBSCENE,"

BUT THAT'S ACTUALLY
FUNNY AS WELL.

I DON'T KNOW.
THIS MAY SOUND,

THIS IS THE DANGER OF IT.

THIS IS THE DANGER
OF TALKING ABOUT IT.

'CAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A WANKER.

BUT, UM,
THERE'S A CONGREGATIONAL ELEMENT,

THERE'S AN ELEMENT
OF PEOPLE NEEDING TO GO,
TO SEE SOMEONE

TO EITHER
EXPLAIN THE WORLD TO THEM
OR TALK ABOUT THE WORLD

OR, OR, SEE IF SOME OF THEIR
EXPERIENCES ARE REFLECTED THERE

AND, THEY'RE, THEY'RE, THEY'RE IN TOUCH
WITH THAT.

I THINK PEOPLE ENJOY IT
FROM THAT PERSPECTIVE AS WELL.

YOU COULD HAVE
A CROWD OF PEOPLE

UH, A HUGE CROWD
OF PEOPLE

WHO ARE ALL DISPARATE
POLITICALLY AND, UM,

IN TERMS OF THEIR TASTE
AND THEIR CLASS.

UH, THEY'RE ALL FROM
DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS,

DIFFERENT, DIFFERENT PEOPLE,
DIFFERENT OUT, OUTLOOKS ON LIFE,

BUT IF YOU
MAKE THEM ALL LAUGH
AT THE SAME TIME,

THEN SUDDENLY
ALL THOSE PEOPLE,

ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE THEM DIFFERENT
SORT OF VANISH.

AND, AND AT THAT ONE MOMENT
OF LAUGHTER,

THEY'RE ALL UNITED.
THEY ALL AGREE.

THEY'RE, IT'S 'CAUSE IF YOU ALL LAUGH,

YOU'RE ALL AGREEING ON
ONE THING.

THAT THAT THING
THAT JUST HAPPENED
WAS FUNNY.

AND THAT'S REALLY
INCREDIBLY POWERFUL THING.

THIS IS DRIVING
150 MILES AN HOUR
IN YOUR CAR.

THIS IS BEING AT FULL TENSE,
YOU KNOW, FULL FOCUS.

I'M A HUNDRED PERCENT IN,

I CAN'T MAKE
ANY MISTAKES.

THE, THE, THE WHEEL IS
SHAKING, BUT I GOT IT.

THAT'S WHAT
STAND UP COMEDY IS.

YOU'RE RIGHT IN THIS POCKET,
OH, SHIT, A TURN'S COMIN'.

HERE'S THE TURN.
I GOTTA, I GOTTA HOLD
THIS TURN DOWN.

AND THAT'S,
AND, AND, AND, THAT IS A RUSH

THAT YOU CANNOT EXPLAIN,

YOU CAN'T PREPARE FOR.

YOU GET USED TO IT,
BECAUSE YOU CAN EXPECT IT,

BUT IT'S STILL, LIKE,

IT'S A, IT'S A, IT'S A FEELIN'
THAT YOU GET USED TO LIKE SEX.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT
SEX FEELS LIKE.

OKAY, BUT DOES THAT MEAN
YOU HAD ENOUGH?

'COURSE NOT.

AND THAT'S
THE FEELIN' THAT YOU GET
WHEN YOU ONSTAGE.

IT'S JUST LIKE, WOW.
THIS IS...

THIS IS SOME
GOOD-ASS SEX.

IT'S KINDA CHANGED MY LIFE
AND MY FAITH.

UH, BUT THE THING
THAT IS REALLY AMAZING TO ME

IS THAT MOMENT
WHERE YOU TAKE THE MIC
OUT OF THE STAND.

WHEN I WALK OUT ANYWHERE,

AND I JUST DID
A COUPLE GIGS LAST WEEK
AND I REALLY LOVED THEM,

'CAUSE IT'S
A RELATIONSHIP WITH
THAT AUDIENCE

AND IT'S, IT'S,
IT'S A DATE.

I MEAN, IT'S A,
IT'S A SPECIAL MOMENT TO ME.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM.

BUT I'M TRYING TO GET
THIS PERFECTLY SYMPHONIC,

UM, BLEND OF

WHAT I THINK,
WHAT I SAY,

MY VOICE, MY BODY,
MY FACE, THE WORDS,

GET IT ALL TO BLEND
IN THIS PERFECT WAY

AND THEN THE BIT COMES OUT
AND IT'S PERFECT.

AND, AND,
AND YOU HEAR THAT,
RIGHT AWAY,

THAT IT'S, YES,
THEY WILL SAY RIGHT AWAY,

THAT'S WHAT,
YOU GOT IT.

I CAN HEAR,
I KNOW WHAT THAT LAUGH
IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

AND WHEN IT
GOES UP A LITTLE BIT,

I KNOW THAT I DID IT
BETTER THAT TIME

THAN I USUALLY DO IT.

AND THAT'S WHAT I LIVE FOR.

IT'S MAGICAL,
YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, WHEN ALL THE PIECES
FIT TOGETHER.

AND YOU WALK OUT
AND THE AUDIENCE IS,

THEY KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
THEY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT.

THEY KNOW WHAT
YOU MEAN TO YOURSELF.

WHAT YOU MEAN TO CULTURE,
AND MORE THAN, MORE THAN, EVEN MORE SO,

WHAT YOU MEAN TO THEM.

AND WHEN THEY LOVE YOU
AND YOU, YOU'RE THERE FOR THEM

AND YOU CONNECT WITH THEM,
IT'S, YOU KNOW,

IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF,
YOU KNOW, PERFECTION.

STAND UP IS KINDA LIKE,
[IMITATING UPBEAT MUSIC]

LIKE THOSE
OLD BEACH MOVIES
AND YOU,

YOU PUT THE BOARD IN THE,
[IMITATING UPBEAT MUSIC]

AND YOU'RE
FINALLY RIDIN'
THE THING.

YOU'RE FINALLY RIDIN' IT,
YOU'RE FINALLY RIDIN' IT.

AND THEN, WHOOSH.
YOU'RE IN THE TUBE.

AND YOU'RE LIKE,
JOKE, WOW, LAUGH.

JOKE, WOW, LAUGH.

GOT THAT?
JOKE, WHOO, LAUGH.

JOKE, WHOO, LAUGH.

GOODNIGHT.

HONESTLY, YOU KNOW
WHAT FEELS GOOD TO ME

IS LIKE WHEN I'M IN
THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW

I'M IN LIKE, LITERALLY,
LIKE, I'M, I'M, I'M A HALF HOUR IN,

YOU KNOW,
40 MINUTES IN,

I'M KILLIN'.

AND I'M LOOKIN' AT
THE CROWD, I'M LIKE,

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
AIN'T HEARD SHIT YET.

[CREW LAUGHING]

I LOVE
THE FEELING OF IT.

I LOVE
THE FEELING OF THE,
THE TIMING OF IT.

THE SETUP, THE SETUP,
THE PUNCH, THE LAUGH, THE SETUP.

LIKE, THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT GETTING INTO THAT RHYTHM

THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

WHEN A COMEDIAN'S ON
AND YOU TELL THAT JOKE

AND IT GOES
TO THE BACK OF THE HOUSE

AND IT COMES
ROARING BACK TO YOUR FACE,

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
THAT, UH, THAT FEELIN'.

YOUR SKIN CRAWLS
ABOUT THAT HIGH.

GOOSEFLESH.

FROM YOUR FINGERTIPS
RIGHT TO YOUR TOES.

YOU CAN'T TELL THAT
TO ANYBODY,

'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

BUT I KNOW
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

PUMPS THE HEART
IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

HEAD FEEL DIFFERENT,
EYES LIGHT UP.

CELLS IN YOUR BODY,
ALL OF 'EM GO LIKE THIS.

LIKE, YEAH!

THEY ALL RING LIKE BELLS.

YEAH! YEAH!

AND IT CAN BE
TEN PEOPLE

OR 10,000 PEOPLE.

UH, BUT WHEN YOU FEEL THAT,
WHEN YOU MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,

THERE'S NOTHIN' LIKE
THAT FEELIN'.

THAT LAUGH
IS BETTER THAN
ANY TROPHY

OR ANY STUPID PARCHMENT.

ALL THE HERALDING,
THE AWARDING,

THE TRUMPETING,
THE LAUDING.

WHO CARES?

WHO CARES?

YOU'RE A COMEDIAN.
THAT, THAT'S YOUR AWARD.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES]