Duplex (2003) - full transcript

So you're finally
settling down.

You've saved up
a little nest egg...

and you're ready to dive into
the real estate market.

Let's do a little
shoppin' around.

The American dream home.
Two bedrooms, two bathrooms...

one doghouse, one garage,
two garbage cans.

It's cozy, safe, and just barely
within your overstretched budget.

Not for you? For the same price,
you can buy...

Two hundred thousand acres of prime
Sahara wasteland, put up a cottage.

Nothing but you and the sky.

It's like a beach without the ocean.
And talk about quiet neighbors.



Too remote? Oh, I understand.

You need the thrill
and excitement of the big city.

With that same nest egg you can
get a slice of prime real estate.

Not this real estate...

cozy and affordable
this lovely fixer-upper...

is the perfect place for a
dynamic couple like you.

No need to putter around the house.
It's all right where you stand.

What's the matter?
Feelin' a little cramped?

Well, just a stone's
throw away...

just one bridge
or a tunnel ride...

just outside the big,
bustling city...

there is a place with
wide open spaces...

friendly natives and
spacious dwellings.

And it's all within
your price range.



It's almost too good
to be true.

When I told you I had a particular
building in mind for you...

this is the one I was
talking about.

It's a historical home on one of
the best blocks in all of Brooklyn.

-Remember what we talked about.
-I know. Poker face.

-Built in, built in...
-Oh, the kitchen's a little small.

Rip out this awful room divider
and you've got an eat in kitchen.

And over here
you have your library.

-For your books!
-Oh, you like books?

I have a little collection
of first edition novels.

Alex is a writer.

The parlor.

Oh my God!

So this staircase,
this leads to where?

I thought you realized.
This is a duplex.

As in two floors
for the price of one?

It's right there
in the listing sheet.

So why was it sealed off?
Were there...

a slew of murders
up there or something?

No, actually, there's just a sweet
lil' old lady that lives upstairs.

A tenant?

So, rent control means we
can't kick her out, right?

Alex.

That's a legitimate question.
No, you cannot...

evict her. She has to decide
to leave, or...

poor thing hasn't been
feeling well lately.

She's gotta be close
to a hundred years old.

Mrs. Connelly?

It may take a little while.
She's hard of hearing.

Mrs. Connelly?

Kenneth.

There's my favorite girl.
How you feeling today?

I don't feel too good, Kenneth.

I'm sorry to hear that,
Mrs. Connelly.

I brought a young couple that
may want to buy the apartment.

-Hi.
-Hi, Mrs. Connelly.

I'm Nancy Kendricks...

-this is my husband, Alex Rose.
-Hello.

We were wondering if we could
come in and look around.

Oh, I don't feel up to it.
I'm sorry, dear.

Nice seeing you again, Kenneth.

You got shopping a block...

and a half that
way. No traffic.

It is ideal. Here's my card
if you wanna make an offer.

There's lots of heat on this place.
It'll be off the market by Monday.

Adios.

Three fireplaces?
This place sounds incredible.

And surprisingly affordable.

Kind of affordable. It's really at
the high end of our price range.

But when you factor
in that it's a duplex...

-It's a duplex?
-Yes.

It's Brooklyn, and we weren't
even thinking about Brooklyn.

-That reminds me, did you bring it?
-Yeah.

Is this the latest in the Don Pipar
mystery series?

Fresh off the presses.

I inscribed this copy
to you guys.

Thank you.

I'm sure it's not gonna be as
brilliant as your new book but...

there's a couple decent metaphors
in there, a turn of phrase.

We forgot to tell them
the big news.

-Oh, God, yes.
-What is it?

Go ahead.

We're pregnant.

Congratulations.

-Congratulations, man.
-I'm so happy for you!

You guys must have
just found out.

No.

I'm four months along.

Four months?

-Stop it.
-Hello.

I mean we're not gonna want to live
here once we start having babies.

And that upstairs would make
the cutest playroom.

I don't know if I want
Mrs. Connelly coughing on my baby.

You know what I mean.
Besides...

Do you realize how much
the duplex is gonna be worth...

-once we get both floors?
-I know how much it costs.

It's gonna be worth
a bazillion times that.

Really? A bazillion.
Well, that's an incredible return.

What better way to
finish your novel...

than in your own nineteenth
century oak writer's nook?

It'd be nice not to have to write
at Starbucks with other novelists.

Because you deserve
your own nook.

That's my train.

All right, let's do it.

Really?

Oh, my God, this is so wonderful!
We're gonna have a home!

-I love you.
-I love you!

I could've sworn
we had more stuff.

It's gonna look great.

Mrs. Connelly?

It's, Nancy Kendricks and
Alex Rose from downstairs.

Look at you.

Hi.

We just, just wanted to
come up and say hi.

Oh, what a nice surprise.

-Come in, come in.
-Thank you.

What an amazing apartment.

Thank you, dear. Sit down.

We brought you this little
house warming gift.

That's very kind of you.
Thank you.

I'll open it for ya.
I don't drink, myself. It's a sin.

Irish Catholics don't drink?

What are you doing?

I'm just taking a few
little pictures. For research.

If I knew you were coming,
I'd have tidied up.

Hey, Nancy.

Blow me down.

-What did you say?
-You all right?

-Yeah. Oh, God!
-I'm coming.

Slowly, but surely.

I'll just turn off this music.

Sit down, dears, sit down.

I brought you a little something
to nibble on as well.

Oh, Bugles!

I didn't realize they even
still made Bugles.

Here you go.

This is a magnificent parrot.

It's not a parrot, dear.

He's a Macaw. He's named after my
late husband, Richard.

I've had little Dick
for forty years.

Come on, dear, don't be shy.
It's French onion.

Mrs. Connelly,
how are you feeling?

Why do you ask, dear?

Well, because the last time
we saw you, you were quite ill.

Oh, I had a bit of a cold...

but I'm in fine fettle now.

Tell me about yourselves.

What do you do, Alan?

Alex.

-Alex is a writer.
-A writer?

I always thought of that as more
of a hobby than a real job.

I suppose I'm forgettin'
about Joyce.

Joyce? James Joyce, of course.

-Wonderful writer.
-He died drunk and penniless.

Well, Alex's first novel was
published in hardback...

and he's just about to
finish his second one.

-What's it about?
-Well...

I like to call it an urban epic.

It's about three generations of
this family in New York...

that owns printing press,
and, I...

That's nice.
Let me give you a refill.

Big Dick had the taste, too.

He was a seaman.

The drink took him
from me in 1963.

We'd been married for
fifty-eight years.

1963...

When are you planning
on having children?

-Soon.
-Yeah, not for a couple of years.

Oh, you sound
just like Mr. Connelly.

We never had any children.

It's too late for me now.

Oh, look at the time!

I had no idea it was so late.

The time's rolled on.

We haven't had a chance
to see the apartment.

Oh, dear, I'm afraid
there's no time now.

Really?

We must say good night.

Oh. Okay.

I think that's your couch.

I think the chair made the...

-Come along, dears.
-How could you?

A macaw. ''Any long-tailed...

brightly-colored parrot.''

A macaw is a parrot, I knew it.

Don't you think that,
as landlords...

we have some rights to see the back
of her apartment if we want to?

I mean...

I'll look it up on the internet.

I wonder how old she is.

Oh, my guess...

is that she's somewhere between
95 and 105.

-She looked pretty good tonight.
-Yeah, she did.

She looked kinda...

healthy.

Yeah.

-That's good.
-Yeah.

Hello, Mr. Peabody.

Mrs. Connelly?

Mrs. Connelly?

Yes? Who is it?

Hi, it's Alex.
I just was wondering...

if you could turn down your TV
a little bit 'cause we can hear it.

I fell asleep.

-I'm sorry.
-That's okay.

-I'll do that.
-Okay. Thank you.

I gotta go. Bye.

-Oh, and finish that chapter.
-I will.

-Good morning, Alex.
-Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.

I wanted to give you this back.

I won't drink it and I thought
you might want it.

Oh, thank you.
That's nice of you.

All right. If there's anything else
I can do for you, let me know.

There is one thing.

I'm sorry, but I don't
hear anything.

It was very distinctive.
The pipes went...

Well, they're not
doing that anymore.

If you hear it again...

just come down and get me and
I'll run up and take a listen.

All right, then. It's a deal.

-Oh, Alan, dear boy.
-Alex.

-Pardon?
-Alex. My name is Alex.

-I know.
-No I think you said ''Alan'', but...

I don't think so.
I don't forget names.

Could you give me a hand
with the garbage?

We don't want to
be feeding the mice.

What in Heaven's name are you
doing with my drawers?

So you'll have room to...

squeeze in the text.

God, you're such a
good squeezer, Nancy.

That's because
until yesterday...

I lived in an apartment
the size of a small child...

but look at the new place.

-Oh, my God.
-Isn't it gorgeous?

-There's this living room area...
-Nancy...

Did you finish the
celebrity scene page?

-Oh. Tickety boo.
-I don't know what that means.

It means you'll have it soon.

If you mean I'll have it soon, then
why not say I'll have it soon?

I mean, ''tickety boo'' is
just confusing for everybody.

-''Mr. Peabody''?
-How'd that get in there?

Alex?

-How was work?
-Herman's freaking out as usual.

-Were you napping?
-No, I was...

No, I was just rearranging
my book collection.

-In the dark?
-Then I closed my eyes for a sec...

just for to think...
Is this dinner?

So, how was...

your nook? Did you get
five or six million pages written?

-More like five or six words.
-What happened?

Our upstairs neighbor had me
running around all day.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Well, you've just gotta
set some boundaries.

Just tell her that you're working.
She'll understand.

-What is that?
-I picked up a few things.

It's an area rug.
Do you love it?

Yes. How much was it? Doesn't seem
to cover too much of an area.

It was two hundred dollars...
I don't really remember.

-Really? That's two hundred bucks?
-Yeah, but it's a runner...

'cause it goes in between the two
rooms and then ties them together.

Oh, and look!

It's an original Pablo Flinch!

Really? Cool.

What is it? Is it like some...

A Mayan guacamole bowl
or something?

It's a stool.

Here.

Try it.

What are we, hobbits?

It's a water stain!

I told Mr. Rose the problem with
the pipes this morning. They're...

The whole bathroom
could have exploded.

471 bucks?
Time?

You were here three hours?

Sweetie, these were original tiles.
How could you not hear the banging?

I was asleep!

Napping, and in the middle
of the afternoon. Shameful!

I'm not going to pay for
unauthorized repairs.

I did the work, my friend. I can
rip the pipes out of the wall.

What?

I don't know what
you're saying.

-Do it!
-You do it!

You want to rip them out?
You rip them out! What?

Okay, forget it.
Plug it up.

I begged Mr. Rose to do something.
I was terrified.

The next time that happens,
Mrs. Connelly, just call me.

-I gave you my business card.
-Alan! Before I forget...

it's the first of the month.

-Right.
-88 dollars.

Do you want to count it?

Remember, if she bothers you,
just lay...

down the law. Be firm, but nice.
Two positives, then a negative.

-What is that?
-Psychology.

Listen, don't wait up for me,
cause I gotta work late.

-I love you.
-I love you.

-Good morning, Alex.
-Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.

I wondered if I could
ask you a quick question.

Right. You know what?

Can I just say this to you?

I'm working on a book. And this
book's due in about three weeks...

and my editor is expecting
it on her desk at that time, okay?

-It's a contractual deadline.
-I see.

So I have to work on that book all
the time here in my apartment...

which is also my office.

If I was a lawyer...

you couldn't come knocking cause
you wouldn't be there, right?

So let's just pretend that
I'm a lawyer, okay?

Unless it's a really super
important emergency...

between the hours of
nine and six...

I'm not here. I'm off, away
in my office, okay?

And then after six,
I'm here. Okay?

I completely understand, and
I apologize for bothering you.

Not at all.
Okay, have a good day.

It's just...

What?

What is it ''just''?

I bought a copy of
your book yesterday...

and I wondered
if you'd sign it.

If you're too busy,
I can come back...

out of business hours.

No, no.

Oh, that's so nice.
You didn't have to buy a copy...

-I have a million copies.
-It's money well spent.

Just write something that I can
treasure for years to come.

How about...

To my favorite
upstairs neighbor...

Signed, Alex Rose.

Here you go.
And I hope you like it.

-Oh, I know I will.
-Great. All right, good day.

Alex.

I know we've just had
this discussion...

but I was wondering
if the firm Rose and Rose...

could accompany an old lady
to the pharmacy?

It's pissing down out there...

and I need to renew
my monthlies.

It won't take any time at all.

Thirty, thirty-one,
thirty-two...

-How much is the Nicorette?
-US$ 43.97.

I lost my place.

One, two, three...

eight, nine...

twenty two...

twenty-three...

twenty-four...

25, 26, 27, 28. 29, 30.

Okay. Good?

Blueberries!

I thought you were
gonna talk to her.

I did. I was very
clear with her. It's just...

she manipulated me somehow.

She manipulated you?

She's a crafty...

She's a crafty old lady.

I'll tell you what...

Tomorrow's gonna be better,
because you know why?

It's Saturday, that's our day off
and we're gonna get to sleep in.

Okay?

I promise everything will be
better tomorrow.

Good morning, Nancy.

This is Nancy Kendricks.

Are those musical instruments?

We're a brass ensemble.

We've got a concert at
Saint Augustus on Friday.

Let's go out shopping.

-So I'll deliver it this afternoon.
-Yes, that's great.

Honey, look.

-Oh! What'd you get?
-A Remington Royal. Fifty bucks.

-How much were they asking for it?
-Fifty bucks.

Look, I got a peacock.

-Isn't it great?
-Cool. What does it do?

It's there to be decorative, looks
pretty and aesthetically pleasing.

-So what do we need a daybed for?
-Oh, for all your napping.

I took one nap. It was two minutes.
I didn't even shut my eyes.

-Hey, what's in the bag?
-The answer to our prayers.

Try it next to that one.
Then the couch will go...

You know what I just realized
that we forgot to do?

We forgot to
christen the apartment.

So I was thinking...

I love our home!

-Oh, my God!
-What was she doing?

I don't know. You think she saw
the whole thing?

Hey, where are you going?

-Now's my chance to go up there.
-Wait, what are you gonna do?

The answer to our problems?

-Clapping!
-What does it do?

We can control her TV
from our bedroom.

You be the lookout. If you hear her
coming, knock on the pipe, okay?

-Like, make a noise.
-Okay.

Shut up!

Well, hello, little Dickie.
I'm back again.

Guess what I've got in the bag?

I got hot dogs.
Hot dogs for Dickie boy.

And I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.

I'm going to give it a
wee chew myself first.

It's so nice, Dickie.

It's so good!

I'll tell you what.
Shall we have a bit of music?

A little music and a bit of
dancing. I'll put on your favorite.

The one you like the most, the one
that was Big Dick's favorite tune.

There's a boy.

Holy crap!

Mrs. Connelly?

Mrs. Connelly?

Nancy? Is that you?

Hold on a sec.

Nancy, what a nice surprise.

I'll make you some tea.
It's nice to see you here.

We'll have some tea...

and biscuits.

Honey?

I'm so sorry!
Are you okay?

What happened to you? You were
supposed to be the lookout.

I know, I know.

All right, here we go.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

You're a genius!

That is so weird!

How would she know that?
How would she know how to use it?

You didn't leave the box up
there or anything, did you?

-Nancy Kendricks.
-It's Mrs. Connelly.

Emergency!

-Hurry! Run!
-Go!

Mrs. Connelly, you know, honestly,
we're going to print today...

and everything's crazy around here.
Can't you ask Alex?

I knocked and knocked. He must
be in a deep sleep.

He changed the
Restaurant Hot List.

Nancy, we have 27 minutes
to get this thing to press.

-Now could you get off the phone?
-Okay, thank you, Mrs. Connelly.

-Where's my new Hot List, girls?
-Almost done.

-Five seconds.
-Okay, okay...

-This is it?
-Yes.

-Did you check it?
-Yes.

I don't want it ''tickety boo'',
I want it now.

It's cute, I like it. What is it,
eight, nine hundred square feet?

No, it's like eighteen hundred.

But it might seem a little cozy
cause of the fireplaces.

So here it is.
The third fireplace.

This apartment is amazing.

I'm so glad that you like it.

Relief.

-Wonderful collection.
-Thank you.

Just make sure you save some space
for the Alex Rose first editions.

Ah, yes.

So...

So what's the ending
turning out?

The ending is gonna be great.

I'm kind of circling it,
'cause I don't wanna force it.

Just make sure you turn
it in by Wednesday.

Management's being very strict
with all of our mid-level authors.

-I'm only mid-level?
-Right now.

Of course, you won't be after
you hand in your masterpiece.

We're replacing most of the
furniture we already have, but...

we're going for a
Miller/Eames look.

Nancy, I just got a new piece.

Did you bring that guy with
a girl with the leopard thing?

Oh, that's Chick.

That's, the guy who's advising
me on the Don Pipar mysteries.

What is he, like a
detective or something?

No.

He's a hired gun.

He kills people for a living.

You brought a hit
man into the party?

Relax, he's very discreet. He's got
a legitimate day job as a cover.

And what do you do, Chick?

I'm a pornographer.

Let me give you a card.
You know, just in case.

She's this funny old Irish lady
named Mrs. Connelly.

And she's actually in a brass
ensemble at the church tonight.

There's all sorts of
incredible details.

I mean, I can't wait for you
guys to see it. It's beautiful.

Oh, Herman, get in here.
I really want you to see it.

Herman?

Being a landlord doesn't
give you the right...

to enter your tenant's premises
any time you feel like it.

I just wanted my friends
to have a look see.

You were supposed to be
at the church, performing.

Heavens, no. It's next Friday.

We've got a big week
of practice ahead of us.

You terrified the poor woman. You
can press charges if you want to.

I don't want to do that.
They're such a nice couple.

-Good night, now.
-Good night, Mrs. Connelly.

I'm gonna be watching
the two of you

Very closely!

-Alex, right?
-Hey, Chick.

How you doing? I brought you
a little housewarming gift.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Look,
this is very tasteful stuff.

-It's for couples.
-God, that's so thoughtful.

Thank you.

My card's inside Ass Patrol, in
case you need some more.

-All right. Take it easy.
-Thanks for the party.

I got an award for this one.

She's supposed to be at church. You
can't fire me 'cause you got Maced.

Believe me, I wish that's
why I was firing you.

Did you happen to see the
Restaurant Hot List?

Oh, my God.

So...

how's Mr. Peabody doing?

Alex.

Oh, no! There's no
napping right now.

You have gotta finish your
book cause we need money.

-I got fired.
-Yeah, I know. I saw it.

-You saw it?
-Yeah. It's horrible.

My parents read this. Now they know
my penis is called Mr. Peabody.

It wasn't my fault. She's calling
me when you were napping.

I wasn't napping,
for the thousandth time!

Okay, maybe I took a nap
at one point.

When did napping become
against the law? Honey...

I can't work here!
It's impossible.

I've written three pages in the
last six weeks.

Three pages! The book is due
on Wednesday.

If we don't hand in the book, I
don't know what we're gonna do.

We can't pay for the, for
the runners, for the stools...

we can't pay for the
Tangillo bowl that you like...

we can't pay for your little
happy mug vase thing.

Well, what if you got out of the
house for a little while...

and went to write at
a Starbucks or something?

You're gonna stay
here and try to find work...

while she has you running
around doing things for her?

I mean all the little errands
and chores she ask you to do?

I don't think you could take it.

I mean, I love you, but honestly,
I've been there...

and I don't think you
could take it.

I can take it. I'll be fine.

Nancy!

-Hello, Mrs. Connelly.
-I couldn't help noticing...

that Alex left the house this
morning, while you stayed home.

I was downsized from my job.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But I'm sure it's for the best.

Let Mr. Rose get out there
and bring home the bacon.

I always thought it was strange
your husband staying home...

while you were out there,
providing.

-Well, he's a writer.
-A writer?

The man naps more
than a newborn pup.

What he's writing about, sheep?

Is there something,
Mrs. Connelly?

Oh, I guess you could say
there was something.

I've got something on
display in my kitchen.

That is not a mouse dropping,
that is a raisin.

-That's the leavings of a mouse.
-It's a raisin.

I sprayed it with Lysol.

She puts on this sweet face and
she acts all innocent.

''Nancy? Could you help me?''

''I found the leavings
of a mouse.''

As if she didn't know
it was a raisin.

I've never designed religious
leaflets, per se.

One o'clock.

Great, Rabbi!
Thank you so much.

Nancy? Are you down there?

What is it, Mrs. Connelly?

Little Dick is caught in the
dumbwaiter shaft.

How did he get there?

Don't hurt him!

Oh, Dickie!

Be careful!

Shame on ya.

Scaring a helpless
little macaw like that.

This is not going well.

I told you. She's a mean,
crafty old lady.

At this rate, I'm never going
to finish the book in time.

Damn rent control. I wish we could
just kick her out.

What if we tried
being nice to her?

Maybe we could get her a gift.

A gift?

And ask her if she
wouldn't mind leaving.

-We ask her? Just ask her?
-Yeah.

Okay, well, maybe it'll take
a little begging, but nicely.

She might go for begging.

There's a chart that shows what's
inside of each chocolate.

That's all right, dear.

Mrs. Connelly let me
come right to the point.

Alex and I are trying
to have a baby.

I saw.

-In the living room.
-Right.

The thing is that when
we do have our baby...

-we're gonna need the upstairs.
-I don't understand, dear.

We're willing to pay you.

-Something.
-You want me to leave?

Don't you think you'd be more
comfortable with people...

who are more in your...

demographic?

In sunny Miami Beach?

I'm Irish. I'd sizzle up
like a sausage.

Besides...

this is my home.

Home!

The Emerald Isle!

Back to the old sod.

Well, now...

there's a thought.

I haven't been back
home for fifty years.

A caramel.

So, about Ireland...

And you moving there.

Most likely...

they have television now?

-Of course they do.
-Yeah, color.

I've made up my mind.

I'll do...

-She's choking!
-Do something!

Oh, God!

Come on!

Clear!

-What are you doing?
-CPR.

Stop! Stop it!

Oh, God! One...two...three...

four...five.
Okay, give her mouth to mouth!

-Oh, no. Really?
-Yes, do it!

Okay.

No you gotta blow
in her mouth. Come on!

One breath, come on!

Okay, again!

One breath, that's it.

Again!

What are you doin'?

You were choking on a chocolate.

You choked on a chocolate.

Go on, Mrs. Connelly.

The last thing I remember...

I ate one
of their chocolates.

When I woke up...

he was havin' his way...

and she was holdin' me down.

-No, I was trying to save her life!
-He stole my drawers once.

For sniffin'.

That's ridiculous! She was choking
on the chocolate, so I did...

Shut up!

We keep a list of people like you
down here at the station.

The sexual predator list.

Sexual predator?

And to think they
want to have children.

We should have
just let her choke.

I know!

What can I get you?

Listen, I've got twelve hours to
finish this book...

I was wondering if I could
just sit here and write all day.

Be my guest.

Nancy, I was going to ring you.

I'm afraid there's a bit
of a problem up here.

I have to go on a job interview,
so I'll take care of it later.

Oh, that's okay.
I'll ring the rug man.

Knock it in good.

I don't want to slip
and break me neck.

-We wouldn't want that.
-This is the problem area here.

It's loose as a Dublin whore.

Now go on, knock it in.

Now, just knock it in.

Come on, use some elbow grease.

Okay, I will.

You threw her down the stairs?

No.

But I imagined it.

And I liked it.

I'm evil.

I'm a horrible person.

Thank you.

Come on, she's practically
ruined our lives.

It's perfectly natural to have
thoughts like that.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I mean, I've even had...

a couple.

Like what?

Just, you know,
snapping her neck or...

electrocuting her...

or just beating her to death.

Decapitating her...

drowning her...

just bludgeoning her.
In a humane way.

Cut her up into little,
little pieces.

But asphyxiating her first, so
she didn't feel anything.

I'm glad you clarified that.

You're evil, too.

I'm finished.

That's what I am.

It's incredible. It was like the last
sixty pages just poured out of me.

Let's open that really great bottle
of champagne and celebrate.

Come quick!

A huge rat just ran under
my cupboard!

Come on, quick! Quick!

-Come on, Alex
-I'll pop the cork.

I'll be right back.
Are you sure it was a rat?

-I saw it's face.
-You saw it's face?

All right, well, let's see if we
can't find this big, bad rat.

You sure it might not have been
a dust bunny or something?

Cause some times they look
a little rodent-like.

-The rat!
-Where?

There!

That's not a rat.
That's like a little field mouse.

Your purse fell into the fire.

Oh, no!

My book!

You'll burn yourself!

Door, Nancy, the door!

-Nancy, door!
-Is that your book?

-The door!
-Oh, my God!

I'd swear she did that
on purpose.

And now, here's
tonight's Healthwatch.

A deadly virus
has hit New York.

Doctors warn that this particular
strain is extremely dangerous to...

children under five and
especially to the elderly.

Symptoms include high fever,
nausea and violent diarrhea.

Mr. Rose?

Would you sprinkle some
salt on the steps?

-They're terribly icy.
-You'd better not go outside then.

Mother...

A giant tow truck runs it over...

followed by an SUV
that it was...

-dragging.
-Alex, that's horrible.

I know.

Can you believe it?

No, I can't.

I tried to warn you, Alex. We'll
cancel every contract in breach.

In breach?

I have the
crushed Powerbook.

I'm sorry, darling.

If you put as much energy into your
work as you do into excuses...

you might have made the deadline.
Excuse me, do you have the shark?

I'm gonna have that.
No bones.

Hi.

How do you feel?

Like I'm knocking
on Death's door.

Well, look who's here.
Come in, both of you.

-Hi, Mrs. Connelly.
-Happy Thanksgiving.

-Oh, thank you.
-How are you?

I'm grand.

But how are the two of you?
You look...

rather sallow.

-No, we're fine.
-We brought you some popcorn.

Oh, how lovely!

I adore popcorn.
So does little Dick.

So did you have a nice
Thanksgiving dinner?

Oh, yes, dear.

The Italian lady in the post office
brought me a sumptuous dinner.

Only problem is some of the carcass
didn't go down the disposal.

That's 'cause you don't
have a disposal.

I don't?

It's really stuffed up.

All right.

If you ask me, you two have
got some sort of bug.

Thank God Officer Dan took me to
have a flu shot last week.

Upchuck is a delicacy
for little Dick.

He's salivating.

How much can we get?

Well, that all depends on how far
you're willing to drop the price.

First of all,
you way overpaid...

-and then you got that tenant.
-You said she's a sweet old lady.

I can't imagine those words
comin' out of my mouth.

So you're saying that
we're stuck in this hellhole?

Unless you're willing to
take a huge loss.

-How huge?
-Huge huge.

We're just totally
screwed, right?

Yeah. I'd say
''screwed'' is apt.

Do you think that Jean would ever
give you a second chance?

No, it's over.

Besides, how could I have
time to rewrite my novel...

and still do my faithful
servant duty...

to her as her little indentured
servant person?

Her little buttboy!

Cause if she might need
me to count...

grapes with her, or go help
her fix her heater...

or go take her to the laundry...

clean her banana skins, clean out
her garbage, fill her monthlies...

or go wipe her ass!

God forbid she should have
any crap hanging off her ass!

Then I gotta run up
there double time, like...

a little bunny with my lil' tissue
and I gotta go wipe her little ass.

And then I have to go...

Good for you, Mrs. Connelly, for
having such a nice little poopie.

You got some poopie on your diapie?
Let me go and clean it off.

-With my tongue!
-Excuse me, sir.

-I mean, enough is enough.
-Excuse me.

Off we go, Dickie boy.

Okay, come on, come on.
We don't have that much time.

I know, she's running errands.
That only gives us twelve hours.

You, there. Me, there.

A little salt in her sugar bowl.

-Hey, come check this out.
-Roger.

Tripped on the rug.
I'm all right.

You sure you know
what you're doing?

I rewired the lamp on your
desk in your office.

Cool. 'Cause if the shock
doesn't get her...

a little bit of gas
poisoning should.

Out goes pilot one.

Out goes pilot two.

An hour at three seventy
five ought to do it.

Did you remember to blow
out the pilot for the oven?

Honey?

Alex...

the stain is dripping on us.

I know.

Isn't it soothing?

Look, we've got a big
water stain downstairs...

-so I've gotta look at the pipes.
-What's happened to your face?

I just fell asleep in one of
those tanning machines.

You look like a roast mutton.

How you doing, mutton head?

I'm almost done.

On the average, she gets up to
change the channel 19 times...

walking this 48-inch footpath.

When she gets to the end of the
Hawaii Five-Oh next week...

the acid should have eaten
through the floorboards.

-And we'll finally be happy.
-It wasn't our fault, Officer Dan.

Maybe you should find the plumber.
He's the one who fixed the pipes.

-Right?
-Right.

We might want to get
a hotel room this weekend.

Sweetie...

now that we have a hole
in the ceiling...

it might be a new place
for the staircase to go.

Yeah, looks good.

-Where are you going?
-A little insurance.

-Alex, no. Not Mr. Peacock.
-Honey...

Mr. Peacock's gonna have to take
one for the team, okay?

That's it.

She's watching Riverdance.

I didn't know people
still watched Riverdance.

This is actually harder
than it looks.

Holy Mary and Joseph!

I could have fallen
right through!

The floorboards here
are rotten to the core.

Awhile back, she hired this
Russian guy to fix the pipes...

I don't know if you noticed all
the water damage that he left.

With all due respect
to Mr. D, Alex...

you were up here yourself...

fiddling with my pipes
a few days ago.

Fiddling with her pipes, huh?

-That's another fine right there.
-For what?

You can't plumb without
a license in New York City.

''Plumb''? I can't ''plumb?''

You sassing me, Mr. Rose?

-He's not sassing you.
-No, no, I'm not sassing you.

-I'm not.
-I didn't think so.

I know a building inspector that
eats slumlords like you for lunch.

You got it?

-I get it, a slumlord...
-And...

you're gonna buy Mrs. Connelly
a brand new TV.

In fact Mrs. Connelly...

I'm gonna pick it out myself.

Could you get one
of those clappy things?

It makes my viewing
so much easier.

Smoke? Smoke?

Mesc? 'Ludes?

-Gun?
-What?

Gun?

-Gun.
-Gun?

So this is what it's come to?

I guess so.

I don't even think I've ever
held a gun before.

I think I've got
everything I need here.

You have an unlicensed gun charge,
and then pending an investigation.

-It was an accident.
-It's my experience...

that wives don't accidentally shoot
their husbands in the penis...

and as much as this particular
man might deserve it...

spousal abuse...

is a very serious
crime in this state.

You two have a good night now.

He thinks you're abusing me.

Well, you did shoot me.

You were very lucky.

Your hand deflected the bullet
away from the tissue...

of the actual organ and just
nicked the scrotum.

What about the, you know, the...

the berries?

Do you feel that?

Yes.

That's good.

I'm gonna run
a few more tests...

but I think you should be
out of here by tomorrow.

Poor Mr. Peabody!

He took one for the team.

I just think that we're going
about this murder thing all wrong.

You think?

Maybe we should just
keep it simple.

This is so not simple.

Yeah, but you know she triple chain
locks the front door at night.

A little more.

Okay.

Where is she?

Maybe she's in her chair.

You caught me.

I can't help but
sneak a fag...

once in a blue moon.

We thought...

that you might be cold, so we
brought you an extra pillow.

Oh, such consideration.

So unlike the
other landlords.

Many have passed through
the dwelling below...

but I just know you
two have come to stay.

Officer Dan put in
my new television.

Fifty-two inches.

And he gave me
these noise boxes.

There and by my chair...

so it's like I'm in the cinema.

Oh, it's going to be
so wonderful here.

You two lovelies...

me...

Officer Dan.

We're going to be one
big, happy family.

The Irish have a saying...

that it's unlucky to come in one
door and go out of another.

Something to do with the dead
evil spirits and the like.

Good night now.

You know what, dears?

I think I've enough warmth...

as it is.

Good night.

That was, without question, the
weirdest seven minutes of my life.

Captain Connelly
battled waves...

twice the size of that!

Didn't he, little Dick?

We're just gonna be one big,
happy family!

What is it us?

Are we doing such a bad job
of trying to kill her?

It's not our fault!
She's a freak of nature!

I thought you were supposed
to get rid of these.

I did.

That's strange. I don't know
how they got there.

-Yeah, right.
-Ass Patrol!

Hand me that Ass Patrol.

Now, depending on her mood,
she could be watching TV...

over here or sneaking
a cigarette over there.

I realize that this is just
horribly cluttered.

When we get in there, we're gonna
go for a much cleaner look.

What?

Sorry.

What's the easiest way
into this hag's place?

Well, we found...

-the dumbwaiter...
-Yeah.

And you really don't have to
pull that hard to climb it.

We could even leave the
back door open for you.

So, Chick...

how much is this
gonna set us back?

Twenty-five K.

Okay, cause we had had a slightly
different figure...

in our heads.

We're thinking maybe something
a little closer to, like...

half a K?

The bottom line price for wet work
is twenty-five thousand dollars.

Okay.

When do you think you
could do it?

-I'll do it Thursday night.
-Christmas Eve?

I have a little function to go to,
then I'll swing by and get it done.

Put the cash in the dumbwaiter.
Got it?

-Got it!
-Okay!

Cool.

Don't forget your computer.

Thanks.

Good night.

Okay, now all we need is
twenty-five thousand dollars.

''Pipar grabbed the leash of the
only partner he'd ever known...

and the private eye and his trusty
Jack Russell headed downtown.

'It's just one of those things
worth killing for, huh, Sonny?'''

We'll take a break and
come back for some Q and A.

-Dental surgery.
-Twenty-five thousand dollars?

The thing is, you know, with Nancy
losing her job and...

with the mortgage, and now with me
losing my book contract...

things have gotten kinda desperate...

and I wouldn't even be
asking if it wasn't serious.

-Did you get the money?
-No, he didn't think I needed it.

But, I did get a nice, new signed
first edition for my collection.

He wrote it in four days.

Listen to this...
Let's see...

''Her hair was bright yellow...

like the color of your pee
after you take a mulltivitamin.''

That's a nice, nice metaphor.
Asshole!

Stupid, frigging asshole!
I hate you and your...

stupid Don Pipar mysteries
and your stupid pregnant wife...

who's gonna have a little baby
that has a frigging sixpack...

because his mother never eats!

Honey.

Honey, we're gonna
get that money.

How?

How are we gonna get twenty-five
thousand dollars in two days?

No.

Not Mr. Peacock.

Merry Christmas!

Good, kids. That is good!

Now you save those voices
for the neighbors, okay?

Officer Dan, what a
pleasant surprise.

What can we do for you?

I have some holiday cookies I
want to take up to Mrs. Connelly.

Oh That's nice.

-No, I'll take them up myself.
-I'll bring them up for you.

If you don't mind...

I don't think
she's even up there.

She's not, so you should
just leave it at the door.

Cut that out!

Stop it! Stop it!
What the heck is goin' on?

There are kids here.

I knew there was
domestic abuse in this house.

I'm gonna come back in ten minutes.
Come on, kids, let's go.

Good save.

I knew they'd
send a pro.

-Oh! You shot me!
-I shot you!

Who are you bringing a
knife to a gunfight?

What's he doing?

He's doing his job.

If you want to dance with me...

you've got to
buy me a drink first.

Is that smoke?

Get off me, you crazy bitch!

-Wait!
-What?

What?

You all right? You okay?

Where's little Dickie?

Dickie, Dickie. Here you go.

Dickie!

I never thought
you had it in you.

Thank God I bought
that fire extinguisher.

-We're just trying to help her out.
-Yeah, her and little Dickie.

I'll just write this citation
up for the electricity.

Thank you!

Believe it or not, I need two more
autographs and that will be it.

-How's the new place working out?
-It's cute.

I tell you, the Bronx is an
up and coming borough.

You didn't lie, Kenneth.
It all looks incredible.

I told you they'd fix it up,
didn't I?

Friedmans, meet Alex and Nancy.

We can't thank you enough.

This is just a dream house.
It's so quiet.

Honey, won't this be perfect
for your sleep disorder?

I'm drowsy already.

Hey, who wants to run
upstairs and say hello?

-Well, we should get going.
-We should. We have to...

-We should.
-Yeah.

Nonsense. You pulled the woman
out of a burning building!

You'd break her heart if you didn't
say good-bye. Come on!

Mrs. Connelly, I brought
you a surprise.

Mrs. Connelly.

The hearing on this one.

Look who's here.

She's asleep. Sweetheart!

She's stiff as a board.

No, she's just hard of hearing.

Mrs. Connelly!

She's dead.

Oh, poor thing.

No.

She can't be dead.

I guess it was just her time.

Come on,
I'll call the Friedmans.

You don't have to stay
here for this. You've done enough.

Come on!

It must have been
all the excitement.

I can't believe it.

She was so full of life.

I mean...

for all our differences, that
old lady really had a lot of...

-spunk.
-A lot of it.

Do you think
she's up in Heaven?

I'll tell you somethin'.
Wherever she is...

she's in a better place.

You should have seen their
faces when I said she was...

a goner. I thought they're gonna
faint right there on the spot.

I wish I could have been there!

Trust me, it wasn't easy
holding my breath for that long.

Next time, I want a bigger
cut of your commission, Kenny.

What are you talking about?
We give you everything, Ma.

There's barely
enough left over...

for Danny and I to have a
little cruise to the Caribbean.

I'm the one putting my
caboose on the line.

Oh, come on, you had it
easy with Alex and Nancy.

They were a nice couple. I do hope
they'll be all right.

Oh, they'll be fine.

He's a writer.
They thrive on adversity.

I hope his next book is
better than his last one.

Maybe this time he'll write
about something he knows.

Alex and Nancy's dream house
may have been too good to be true...

but did they live
happily ever after?

Well, read the book.