Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003) - full transcript

Man: come out, come out,
wherever you are!

Where is
that little joker?

Breathe deep, mrs. Dunne.

That's it.
That's it.

Push.

Push, that's it.

Keep pushing,
you're doing great, mrs. Dunne.

You're doing great.
Okay, that's it.

There's the head,
i can see it now.

Okay, congratulations...

It's a...



Doctor: okay, it went back in.

I think he'll be good
at hide and seek, mrs. Dunne.

Okay.

Well, you got yourself
a shy one here.

Okay, come on out,
you little bastard.

Ow!

He bit me!

Police radio: attention all units,
man trapped in a well.

919 hill street.

Captain rob!

Captain rob, can you hear me?
Grab the rope!

Can you help him?

Harry, no. This is...
This is not a real well.

We can't keep coming out here trying to
get your imaginary friend out of trouble.



Well, thanks for saving him.
Coming, captain rob!

We didn't really
save anybody.

- I'm sorry, dave.
- It's okay, he just has an overactive imagination.

Don't worry, he'll grow out of it.
They all do.

Captain rob, come on out,
i give up!

Where is he?
Where are you, captain rob?

Honey, he's gone.

He must've known you were
starting school today.

Mom, do i have
to go to regular school?

- Yes, honey.
- But you're a good teacher.

Thank you, sweetie.
I think it's time you made some new friends.

You know, friends
your own age.

- I'm just not ready.
- Oh, i almost forgot.

Captain rob
left this for you.

He said to count your steps
very carefully.

Wow, a treasure map!

- What's the treasure?
- It could be anything.

Honey, you're going to discover a whole
new world when you get to school.

Like marco polo.

The guy who invented
the swimming pool.

Of course.

- I better get going.
- Now remember, harry,

There's a friend out there
waiting just for you.

Man:
you're a good kid, lloyd.

And good looking, too.

You make a father proud.

- Thanks, pop.
- Okay, now let me finish...

Dad, watch the ears.

Aah. Okay,
there you go, gigolo.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Looks good?
- Like fresh-Cut grass.

Okay, now come on. Let's get ready,
school's going to open real soon now.

- Let's go.
- Oh, keys please.

Here you go.

It's good to be
a janitor's son.

- Love ya!
- Love you.

* ice, ice, baby *

* ice, ice, baby *

* all right, stop,
collaborate and listen *

* ice is back
with my brand new invention *

* something grabs ahold
of me tightly *

* flow like a harpoon
daily and nightly *

- * will it ever stop? *
- * yo, i don't know *

* turn off the lights
and i'll glow *

* to the extreme i rock
a mic like a vandal *

* light up a stage
and wax a chump like a candle *

* ice, ice, baby *

- * vanilla *
- * ice, ice, baby *

- * vanilla *
- * ice, ice, baby *

- * vanilla * -
* now that the party is jumpin'... *

* with the bass kicked in
and the vegas are pumpin' *

* quick to the point
to the point no fakin' *

* cooking mcs like
a pound of bacon *

* burning them if you ain't
quick and nimble *

* i go crazy when i hear
a cymbal *

* and a hi-Hat
with a souped up tempo *

* i'm on a roll,
it's time to go solo *

* ice, ice, baby,
too cold *

- * vanilla * - * ice,
ice, baby, too cold *

* too cold *

* ice, ice, baby. *

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
look at you!

You're looking real sharp there in your
new back-To-School outfit, huh? Huh?

- Ooh, ooh.
- Here, dad.

Okay. Whoa, whoa.
One sec.

Let's see if anyone
lost a camera.

Oh, look at this.

Okay ready?
Smile for papa. Come on.

Ready?
Yee-Aah!

Okay, wait, wait, wait!

Okay, if you're gonna
go to school you need a book.

Okay? Okay, ready?
Okay, okay.

Look pretty.
Pretty, pretty.

Pretty... boy!

I got to catch my bus.
See you, pop!

Yeah, but you're already
at school!

Hope they like
my new jacket!

We go through this
every year.

Got to get
to school.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Hi. Hi.

- Sorry.
- Girl: you're going the wrong way, loser!

Can't miss
my bus.

Okay, so follow the map
and find a friend.

So what's the apple for?
This is too distracting.

One of you
has to go.

I'm sorry it's you.
Now...

Take your seeds
and grow into a beautiful pie.

31, 32, 33...

Hey, whoa!

- Sorry about that, mate.
- Nice car, frenchie.

Hey, cute puppy.

Aww.

Rarr!

Whoa, whoa!

Bad dog! Don't get me,
don't get me!

Aaah!
Bad doggie! Bad doggie!

Whoa, whoa!

No, no, no!

Oooh!

Somebody chipped
my tooth.

How do you think
i feel?

Someone bit me
in the forehead.

Oh, no!

You could've saved that
for the tooth fairy.

That's stupid.
I happen to know my mom is the tooth fairy.

- Your mom is the tooth fairy?
- Yeah.

- Wow, that is so cool.
- She must do all the flying around when i'm asleep.

Yeah, yeah.

- Harry dunne.
- Harry dunne?

Why does that not
sound familiar?

- Probably because we've never met before?
- No, that's not it.

Anyway, yeah,
lloyd christmas.

here i am bragging
my mom's the tooth fairy

- And you're santa's kid?!
- No, no.

- Yeah!
- Yeah? No, i'm not.

- I knew it!
- No, i'm not.

- I bet you are.
- No, i bet i'm not.

- I know you are.
- Seriously, why have i never seen you here before?

Home school,
till today.

Home school.
What's that?

I go to school
where i live.

Me too!
Seriously!

- No?
- Yeah!

Lloyd: whoa, that's my bus!
Hey! Hey!

No, wait!
No, wait!

Hi! Hello!

I missed it.
Now i have to walk.

It's right over there.

- Is that what i think it is?
- Nope, it's a treasure map.

Cool.

My mom says it's
somewhere in the school.

I don't know, i'm pretty
familiar with the school

And i've never seen
that x before. Mm-Mmm.

Ooh, but i do
know something.

- What?
- Yeah.

you're it.

I'm it?

What's it?

I don't really know,
you know, but whatever it is,

It's something you don't want to be,
and right now...

Yeah, you are.

Wait, so if i touch you,
you're it?

- Yeah, that's how it works, harry.
- You're it!

- No, harry!
- See you later!

Wait... Ahh!

Lloyd: hello, my yellow friend.
Sorry i missed ya.

So high school's all about looking cool,
harry, so stick with me.

Harry: why are those girls
dressed in matching outfits?

They're cheerleaders, harry.
It's a dangerous cult.

- Don't let them talk to you.
- Don't we want them to talk to us?

No. No, no,
no, no, no.

- Why not?
- Besides cooties and other medical reasons,

They're not in the cool crowd, which i am,
which you want to be a part of.

- You know what i mean?
- No. Hey.

- What about her?
- she's a total dork.

I mean, just look
how she dresses.

Check out that skirt.
I mean, it's so short. Where's the flood?

and that sweater...
It's so tight,

Her milk-Bubbles
are popping out.

- Loser.
- Oh my gosh, she's not wearing underwear.

Yeah, how dorky is that.
I'm wearing two pair right now.

Me too.

This is my mohawk friend,
turk.

He's part of the cool crowd.
Hey, kimosabe!

Shut up, ass-Face.

That's the iroquois name he gave me
for having the strong face of an ass.

Looks like we're going
to go have a pow-Wow!

Ooh. Hi.

i hope the carpet
matches the drapes.

Excuse me?

You know,
in the library.

Oh. Yeah.

I don't think it does.

- You're new here, right?
- Depends on how you define new.

You're the kid
who was home schooled.

Yeah.
How'd you know?

I was assigned to write
an article for the school paper.

It was either
a feature on you

Or the new four-Color ink pens
at the student store.

Four colors in one pen?

No! That's impossible.

Yeah, well,

I'd rather be writing a
hard-Hitting investigative piece

But nothing ever happens around here.
I'm jessica matthews.

Hi.

- Harry dunne.
- What's going on here?

Hey, freakshow,

Did jessica give you
that banana in your pants?

No, my mom did.

- Gross.
- You want a bite?

Lloyd: hey, smells like cheese.
Whoo!

- Turk, leave him alone.
- "Turk, leave him alone."

- Shut up!
- "Shut up!"

- Lloyd: oh boy.
- Harry, i'll talk to you later.

Pretty colors.

Ride's not
over yet, pal.

Hey, can my friend
harry come too?

- Yes, he can.
- Hi, harry.

So were you held back
two years like lloyd?

No, i was
held back three.

Lloyd: by your mom?

* all you got
to feel it, all right. *

Woman:
and principal collins,

You'll be pleased to know
that this year

Wednesday's are
"south of the border" days.

We'll be serving
a spicy tuna tamale

Along with a three-Cheese
quesadilla.

Sounds like it's going
to be another...

Hot year in the kitchen.

- Hello?
- Collins: yes? What is it?

Sir, it's time
for morning announcements.

Yes, i...
I'm aware of that.

Yes. Um...

Why don't you make the
announcements this morning, dear?

- But what should i announce?
- Woman: tell her about the quesadillas.

- Make something up!
- Okay.

Well, that was
a mood breaker.

You know, honey...

I think i've finally
figured out a way

To bilk this school
out of enough money

To get us that condo
in waikiki.

How, sweet baby?
You've done it all.

Small potatoes.

This is the big one.
This is visionary.

This idea is genius.

Look at this.

The richard moffitt
special needs grant.

- Mm-Hmm.
- This moffitt guy used to be in a special needs program,

And then he learns to string a
couple of sentences together

And now he's some
big hotshot.

Anyway, the state is giving
100 grand in his name

To every school that has
a special needs class.

- This is fantastic!
- Mm-Hmm.

All we have to do
is kill this moffitt guy

And we get all the money.

No, no.

What we need is to set up
a fake special needs class.

We start our own class.

Problem is,
where do we find kids...

We can pass off
as special?

Lloyd:
okay, that's high enough!

- Thanks, turk.
- I'm flying! Woo-Hoo!

Harry:
so this is what a flag sees all day.

- Yeah.
- And your friend turk is totally great.

Yeah, he's aces, huh?

Hey, thanks, turk!
We're so high!

Bingo.

Welcome to special needs
orientation.

I'm ms. Heller,
the lunch lady.

And it...
Damn.

I mean,
your new teacher.

Yeah.

Now the reason you two are here
before class officially starts

Is because you're...

Extra special.

Thank you.

And were personally selected
by principal collins.

Who's principal collins?

- He's the principal.
- Wow.

Your first assignment

Is to pick
the rest of the class.

Hey!

Find students that are
just as special as you two.

Special.

What?

Is... Is this gonna be
on the midterm?

No.

You know, you're the first person
i ever brought here, harry.

- Is this your special place?
- No, i just usually eat in the crapper.

Yeah, saves time.
Out with the old, in with the new.

- Could we eat there tomorrow?
- Yeah, but first we need to find kids

That are special, needy, and classy
enough to be in our special needs class.

It'll be like taking
candy from a stranger.

- Lloyd: "har-Ery"?
- The second "r" is silent.

Oh, that makes
much more sense.

Oh, little crippled boy.
Look.

Our first recruit.

- His curse is our blessing.
- Careful, harry, don't scare him.

Hey, little guy.
Hey little orphan buddy.

- What happened?
- Skateboard.

- One day, they'll find a cure.
- You brave little soldier.

What?

No, man, it's nothing.
The cast comes off in a few weeks.

He's obviously in denial.
Maybe we can help.

We're part of a special class
taught by the lunch lady.

I mean, ms. Heller.
You should join up.

It doesn't
require any walking.

No one will make fun
of your horrible deformity.

- How much homework is there?
- That's the downside.

- There's none.
- Dude, dude.

Wait a minute, i can spend
the whole year

In a class taught
by the lunch lady?

Yeah.

- Can i bring my girlfriend?
- You can bring whatever you want, my little friend.

All right.

* yeah *

* here we go *

* it's a new day,
but it all feels old *

* it's a good life
that's what i'm told *

* but everyday,
it all just feels the same *

* at my high school,
it felt more to me *

* like a jail cell,
a penitentiary... *

- Harry dunne, special needs.
- Lloyd: he's with us.

Security:
you deserve him.

- I guess i owe you this one.
- * i don't ever want to be like you *

* i don't want to do
the things you do *

* i'm never gonna hear
the words you say *

* and i don't ever wanna,
i don't ever wanna *

* be you *

* don't wanna
be just like you... *

Go, go, go!

* this is the anthem,
throw all your hands up *

* you... *

He's out.
Put him on the disabled list.

Harry:
that means you're one of us now.

* you... *

We already have
a special slogan.

Harry,
what are you doing?

She's a foreign
exchange student.

She obviously doesn't
speak the english.

Ching chong ching chingy
chong ching chong ching.

* you *

* don't want to be
just like you *

* what i'm saying is
this is the anthem *

- * throw all your hands up *
- Ching chongen ay.

* y'all got to feel me,
sing if you're with me... *

Girl on pa: get your car washed
and support the stallions.

- Aah.
- Whoa!

The half boy/half horse.

Oh! That's more
of what we're looking for.

- Harry: he's super special.
- Well...

I mean, i got to get
a job anyway.

So if i...
If i sign your thing,

I can just come and go
whenever i want to?

You were born free,

And free
you shall remain.

Well, okay.

Ah!

Easy, easy.

Easy, boy,
easy, boy.

Easy, boy. It's okay.
You're in!

- We did it!
- Yes, we did, harry.

Special needs class,
1986.

We are the chosen ones,
all present and accounted for.

Harry:..football player,
the crippled kid...

Lloyd: what about lewis,
the half horse boy?

- Harry: he really had me fooled.
- Here we go.

Hey, thanks
for the grub, mrs. D.

- You're welcome, lloyd.
- Hey, where's mr. D?

Oh, he passed away
a few years ago.

He missed
one great pot of stew.

Actually, it's meatloaf,
but you just put everything in your soup.

I like it a lot.

Is it okay
if he spends the night?

- Lloyd, have you asked your parents?
- I left my dad a note.

Dad's voice: "pop,
i'm sleeping at harry's tonight.

Love, lloyd.
P.S., You're out of ketchup."

Good kid,
but you could've just called.

Got any crazy eights?

Go fish.

Nothing.

Four.

Ha!
Now you have to move your peg seven spaces

And put your shirt
on backwards.

Wow, you really suck
at this game.

Yeah, well, i almost always
beat captain rob.

- Who's captain rob?
- Just a guy i hang out with.

I know the type.
Lives in the basement, smells like a sponge.

No, captain rob's seven feet tall,
wears an eye-Patch,

- Got a hook for a hand.
- Wow, sounds like a pirate.

What? No. He's got a parrot on his shoulder,
buries treasure.

- Yeah, that's a pirate.
- I don't think so.

This guy drinks rum from a barrel,
says, "yo, ho, ho," has a peg leg.

- A peg leg?
- Yeah, go-Cart accident.

Here... we... go!

Be careful, captain rob.

- Ooh.
- Three, two, one.

Aah, you landed on candy land.
Now you have to swallow it.

Ready?

Swallow!

that's good top hat.

Hey, fellas,

It's getting kind of late.
Come on.

- Can i be on top?
- Only if i can be on bottom.

- All right!
- Yeah!

Airplane into the hangar.
Zzz... Ow!

All right, pumpkin,
night night.

'Night, mom.

- 'Night mrs. D.
- Good night, lloyd.

Thanks for being
a friend to my harry.

All right, boys,
sleep tight.

Don't let
the bedbugs bite.

- * hey, hey... *
- Ohh. Huh!

- What was that?
- What?

Your mom just totally
made a move on me.

- She did not.
- Yeah, she did, harry.

Maybe soon
i'll be your new daddy.

- Lloyd, she's my mom.
- Listen, i can't help my heart.

That's right, when i'm your new dad,
you're gonna have to do what i say.

- Will not.
- Don't you take that tone with me, young man.

- Shut up.
- I will stop this car right now.

- You're not my real dad.
- You take that back!

- Be quiet, buttlick!
- Ohh!

- Where did you learn that word?
- I learned it from...

Listening to you!

- I hate you!
- Kids.

For our
specially needy class!

- They're perfect.
- Mm-Hmm.

Well, you should all
be very proud of yourselves.

You are the pioneers here
at providence hill high,

The very first
special needs class.

And to commemorate
this occasion,

We're going to take
a class photo.

So let's cover this up
just for the picture.

Hold this very high.
That's it.

And let's all form a group
under the sign. Quickly.

Now, now,
now, now, now.

Beautiful.
Big smile.

Here we go.

Do you remember why
we're here?

I'm supposed to take a picture
for superintendent zimmer?

And?

- You want me to take it?
- Yes, yes!

- Oh.
- Okay.

Okay, here we go.
Ready?

Cheese!

- Cheese.
- All: cheese!

- What stinks?
- That'd be me, sir.

- Wife made the stew last night.
- Shut up, lloyd.

- You're not married yet.
- Will be.

I hope you'll all enjoy
your new classroom.

This is not it.
It's a special wing in back of the school

We've built for you. Why don't you
go back and take a look at it now?

Quickly, now. Just head back there.
That's it, now.

Principal collins,
what about the crippled boy?

- Yes, take him with you.
- "Confirmitive."

Easy. Lloyd, lloyd, lloyd.
No, no, no.

I can... I'll just walk,
all right? Is that all right?

- Collins is a great man.
- Yeah, that's why he was elected principal.

- That's it. On your way.
- Your highness.

That's good.
Well, so far so good.

I do think we need
some more pictures, though.

Why don't you take the kids
on a field trip tomorrow?

And...?

- And take some more pictures.
- Okay.

Yeah, okay.

Well, don't you have
a phony class to teach?

I put in for a sub.

was that naughty?

I think i need
a "panking."

Pank, pank, pank.

You gonna give me
a panking?

* clap your hands... *

Lloyd: hello, class.
My name is mr. Christmas.

Mrs. Heller had to attend some
serious and urgent business,

So i will be
your substitute teacher.

It's gonna take me a while to learn
everyone's names, so please be patient.

- Me, me. Pick me!
- Uh... you.

- Harry.
- Harry. Oooh.

You look familiar.
Oh, did i have your brother?

- No.
- No, okay. Any other questions?

- Was there one...?
- Yo!

What's with horse boy?
Now he's a bright shiny sun.

Yeah, don't look
directly at him.

Lewis: i'm just handing out fliers
at the tanning salon, guys.

- It's a part-Time job.
- No, that's... Congratulations.

Did you have a question there,
bright eyes?

Yeah, my question's when the
old teacher lady coming back?

I am your teacher lady
for today.

Lloyd, can i have
a word with you for a minute?

Oh, take this time
to study amongst yourselves.

Obviously there must be some
sort of family emergency,

Otherwise there's no reason
my father would be

Interrupting me
while i'm working.

- Coming. What the...?
- That's your dad?

Yeah.
What was your name again?

- Harry.
- Harry. Come with me, harry.

- What's up, pop?
- We need to talk.

So you must be in the air force.
I like your flight suit.

- I'm a custodian.
- Well, then...

Aye aye, sir!

Okay, what are you crazy
boys doing in my tool shed?

We're not crazy, dad,
we're special.

And principal collins wants us to
have our own special classroom.

My boy's special,
how 'bout that?!

I knew you were different!
Ohhh!

I'm taking the day off.

Come on, come on.

All right, guys,
now that teacher lady's gone,

Um... i have a question.

Do you guys know why our
class is in the tool shed?

Who cares, lewis?
It's better than real school.

If we don't mess this up, we can go a whole
year without doing any real work at all.

Yeah, man, we can do
anything we want.

Anything.

Anything?

So if i had a girlfriend like terri,
i could bring her here and...

Do stuff with her?

You got it, jerkoff.

Then i'm in.
Yeah.

But i came here to learn
about america.

Listen, baby,

There is nothing more american than not
doing anything and getting away with it.

Ohh.
Then i'm in.

- Just like jerkoff.
- Lewis.

Carl?

- He's snapping out of it.
- We need him.

I know.
Come on, kid!

- Come on, come on!
- Go get some!

Carl?

Oh, wow.

Who is benjamin
franklin again?

He's the pilgrim who used
penicillin to kill godzilla.

Right. How'd you
get so smart?

Public school.
Yeah.

When you live in the basement,
you breathe in a lot of chalk dust.

It writes all the answers
all over your brain.

- You're so lucky.
- Ooh, now...

- How 'bout a slushee?
- A. Slushee.

Don't tell me.
Abraham slushee...

I know this...
Third president of the united states!

Lloyd:
that's right, harry.

And this is the frozen delicious
treat he was named after.

- Nice jugs.
- Yeah.

Hey, your mom's
got jugs like these.

Harry: yeah,
but they never been in a magazine.

Lloyd: they ought to be.
They're beautiful.

Ooh, harry,
i just realized something.

- What?
- You're it!

- Oh no, you're not getting me again.
- "Victoria's secret," huh?

- Those clothes are for chicks.
- $2.50.

- You're it.
- Oh, you wanna go?

You wanna go,
huh, harry?

Jousting,
14th century!

- You're it!
- You're it.

Invisibility shield.
Booo!

I know where you are!

- I know where you are!
- Please pay me the $2.50.

I know where you are!

- I know where you are!
- You're it.

Lloyd: seriously,
stop for a second.

Come here, harry, seriously, for a second.
You're it!

Oh!
No, you're it!

Harry, buns!
You're it!

You're it!

- You're it!
- No, i'm not.

Yeah, you are.

He touched you.

You're it until
you touch someone else.

I know the rules, i'm just not
playing your stupid game.

Now pay me $2.50.

You're it.

- You're it.
- No, you're it.

- No, you are.
- You're it.

you're it.

Enough!
You're it!

And no touch-Backs,
no do-Overs,

No erasies,
and in this whole store

Is home free!

Lloyd, can he do that?

Oh yeah, harry.

He can...
and he did.

And now...

It's on
like donkey kong.

Pay the man.

- Harry: good.
- Yeah.

I thought we handled
that pretty well.

These are
really cold, huh?

That's why you got to drink 'em fast,
harry, trust me.

Lloyd: drink it, harry.
Come on, buddy!

Drink, drink, drink!
Go, harry, go!

Whoo-Hoo!

Oww.

Refreshing.

Ohh!
So what do you want to do today, harry?

I don't know.

Oww!
It hurts so good.

Ahh!

No, harry, you're not
drinking it fast enough.

You got to drink faster.
You got to go fast. Go fast!

Go fast, go fast, go fast!
You got to drink it fast, harry,

Before it melts!

Tastes so good.

I can't feel my face.

Didn't hurt.

I felt that.

Mmmm...

Harry,
my mouth is frozen.

I can't...
I can't feel my lips.

- Harry, they're frozen.
- I don't feel good.

Oh, harry,
here comes trouble.

Oh, hey guys.

Your milk bubbles
look nice, jessica.

Lloyd: good one, harry.

i'll see you guys tomorrow.

I can't believe she's
wearing that outfit.

Yeah, last time i wore those shorts,
i got beat up.

Beat up?

Guess what's
under these coconuts?

What?

It's a surprise.

Well, i've got
a little surprise for you.

You got the extender?

No.

No, i talked to superintendent
zimmer this morning.

- Oh.
- He's sending richard moffitt himself

To our thanksgiving day
parade,

Check in hand.

Oh, monkey,
this is too exciting.

Our dream is coming true.

Smile, sweetheart.

More pictures
for the chest.

What do you keep
in there?

Oh, things.

Photos, tapes.

I tape everything
that goes on in this office.

Just like the president.

Just like
the president.

Come here, monkey.

- Whoo.
- Harry: hey, it's upside down.

Here, hold my sack.

All right, according
to the map,

We're almost at school.

Yeah, but we still
haven't found any treasure.

harry...

* hallelujah,
hallelujah... *

We may have found
something even better.

Come on.

It's our own
special bus, harry!

How do you know
it's for us?

Because cool kids always sit
in the back of the bus, harry,

And here, every row
is the back.

We're all cool.
Come on!

Careful, harry,
it's short!

Hey, harry,
i'm in the front of the bus!

- Harry: i'm in the back!
- Lloyd: i'm in the front!

Turk, what are you
doing here?

- Special needs class.
- Being a jerk doesn't make you special.

You're just jealous.
This is the best class ever.

So don't ruin it!

Heller:
sorry, special needs only.

Look, ms. Heller,
there's something fishy here.

And i don't think
it's friday's special.

Hmm. Well,
i wouldn't know,

Since i'm just
the teacher and all.

Now less talking
and more sitting, huh, gang?

Let's go, margie,
the museum ain't gonna teach itself.

This is a much bigger story
than four-Color pens.

* every day i get
in the queue *

- * too much, magic bus * -
* to get on the bus that takes me to you *

- * too much, magic bus... *
- You want a scoop?

- I'll give you a scoop.
- You think we're gonna stop for ice cream?

No. Maybe.

- * your house is only another mile...
* - Lose her.

* too much,
magic bus... *

- Slug bug. Slug bug.
- Ow! Ow!

Can it be the same one?
Slug bug!

- Ow!
- Slug... I can still see it.

- That's not how you play!
- Playing australian rules.

Don't let her pass!

* i don't care
how much i pay *

* too much,
magic bus... *

- Scissors, scissors.
- This is too.

- What's that?
- It's an eagle.

- This is a barracuda.
- Fish can't eat a bird.

Ha, ha, too big
to make the turn!

- You can't squish a bird with a paper cut.
- Yeah, you can.

- Yeah, you can.
- You can't squish... No, you can't.

- Punch buggy.
- Ow!

Margie, look out!

help me!

* i said, now i've got
my magic bus... *

* now i've got
my magic bus *

* too much, magic bus. *

Everyone find a partner.
You're no good to me dead.

- Lloyd: harry, get back here!
- I'm back, i'm back.

- I'm going.
- Harry? Harry!

Harry: spin faster,
we'll go back in time!

I'm right behind you.
I'm right behind you.

No, no, no!
Aaah!

We got to partner up.

- What do you say, you and me?
- Dream on, desperado.

Right, field trip partner
is kind of a big commitment.

I'm joking.
Of course i'll be your partner.

Wow, you got some serious self-Worth issues,
my pudgy, ugly little friend.

Stop it, you're
embarrassing me.

Okay, say "fajitas."

- All: fajitas!
- Good, got it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Now... Excuse me. How long does
the average field trip take here?

Well, to fully experience all we
have to offer, it takes two hours.

Two. Okay.
You know, i'll be back in four.

So why don't you give the tour twice,
and speak slowly?

- Oh, we don't take tips here.
- Oh, sure you do.

I know you don't make much.
Don't be proud.

Don't be proud. It's going away.
It's going away.

It's going away. It's okay.
That's what i thought.

- That's what i thought.
- Okay.

Harry's voice: i like your outfit,
mr. Polar bear.

Hmm. Okay, i'm just
going to turn and walk away.

Ha!

Okay...

I'm watching you.

Jessica: harry?

Harry's voice:
who told you my name?

Jessica: harry?

Harry?

Ms. Heller said
not to talk to you.

That's because ms. Heller
doesn't want you to know

This whole thing
is a scam.

I knew it was a fake.

- You did?
- Yeah. Those eskimos?

I'm sure at least
one of them is a mannequin.

Harry, you're so funny.

But listen,
i have to ask you a question that might...

Put you in
a delicate position.

You want to talk
about your delicates?

Are you trying to be funny,
or you actually re...

Special?

We're all special. Everyone lloyd and
i chose for the class is special.

You and lloyd chose
the class?

Mm-Hmm.

This is all starting
to make sense.

Could you come
to my house tonight?

- Excuse me?
- We need to talk.

- Come over around 7:00?
- O'clock?

Yeah.

Okay.

A date.

She said something
about something.

Lloyd: that's perfect, harry.
Then what?

Then she said "7:00"
and i said, "o'clock!"

Sorry about that, buddy. It's my first
time bringing a friend up there.

- You okay?
- Yeah!

So you gotta
help me out, lloyd.

A real live date
with a real live girl.

Who cares?
Chicks are for fags.

I think she wants me to come over
to put me in the right position

To check out
her delicates.

- Whatever that means.
- Oh yeah, buddy, you're gonna get some.

- Some what?
- You know.

She'll be all over you
like a barrelful of monkeys

With that short skirt
and that tight shirt.

Ooh, it's so faggy i can't
even think about it.

- Come on, lloyd.
- Okay, if you're gonna do this,

Bring her something special.
Buy her some chocolate...

The best you can find.

Harry:
seems simple enough.

knock, knock, knock.

hello, jessica.

It's nice to see you,
jessica.

That's not right.

Hi, jessica.
Do you remember me from before?

I'm harry.

That's stupid!
Okay.

Hello, jessica.
Harry... Mrs. Harry jessica.

Mr. Harry jessica.

- J-E-S-S-I-S-S-I...
- Harry?

Harry, hi.

Do you want
to come inside?

Okay. Wipe your feet.
My parents are totally anal.

Oh, that's gross.

- Would you like something to drink?
- Yeah, but i'm buying.

Harry, i have a lot of
questions to go over with you,

So let's just
go upstairs.

Good plan.
I'm not really ready for downstairs.

Harry, you're so funny.

Really?
I'm not even trying.

- Are you coming?
- yeah.

I'll race ya!

- Harry, stop horsing around.
- Oh, boy.

Okay, there's a lot
to go over, harry,

So it may get
hard for you.

Hard for me?
Hard for me?

Hard for me?

Harry, do you want
to sit down?

- No, no, i'm okay.
- Okay.

I think collins and heller are
embezzling money from the school,

And i think it's
been going on for years.

I just have to figure out
some way to prove it.

I mean, it doesn't make
any sense to me.

But i guess there's got
to be a good explanation.

Heller wore
a coconut bra...

Harry's voice: wow,
she's really making me feel hot.

What's worse is i think the entire
special needs class is a scam.

But... i need proof.

Harry's voice:
i don't know how much longer i can stand it.

I didn't think the first time
would hurt so much.

- Especially in the ass!
- What?!

Harry, i'm in a position
where i really need your help.

P-Position?

Great.
Have you a bathroom?

Yeah, down the hall.

I'll be back
in a jiff.

Okay, okay.
Water!

Oh, i couldn't.
I didn't.

No, no, no, no.
Oh, what's in there?

mmm.

No, it can't be.

Ohh.

Oh! No.

oh, i didn't...

Oh, no, no, no!

oh no, no, no...

Harry?
You've been in there a while.

- Are you okay?
- Are you kiddin'?

I couldn't be more okay.

My mom wants to know
if you can stay for dinner.

Are you kiddin'?
Coming.

Okay.

* i was walking down the street
on a sunny day *

* hubba, hubba,
hubba, hubba *

* a feeling in my bones
says i'll have my way *

- * hubba, hubba...
* - Look out, waxer coming through.

* i'm a happy boy,
happy boy *

* oh ain't it good when things
are going your way? *

* hey, hey... *

Jessica: harry,
are you coming down?

Just cleaning up!

Harry!
Harry!

Lloyd, what are
you doing here?

I came to check
on you, buddy.

I kinda screwed
things up.

I'm sure you're
overreacting.

I don't think so.

Harry, why are you
covered in poo?

I... I don't know!

- Okay.
- She asked me to stay for dinner.

I don't know
what to say to her.

Oh, okay, i got an idea!
I saw this in a movie once.

It was a good one.
Go down to this window right here,

Open it up, and then
say whatever i say.

Okay, thanks.
I got to find some clothes.

All right.

Perfect,
a businessman's suit.

Harry, what are
you wearing?

I changed for dinner.

I get dressed for all my meals,
except for breakfast and...

Spazz meal.

Boy, it's hot in here.
Do you mind if i open a window?

Be my guest.

- Harry, can you hear me?
- Yes.

- Yes what?
- No, don't answer me, say what i say.

Okay.

- Okay what?
- You have beautiful eyes.

- You have beautiful eyes.
- Thank you.

Oh, hey.

- Where'd you come from?
- Hey, where'd you come from?

I was born
in st. Louis.

Lloyd:
do you want me to pet your head?

Do you want me
to pet your head?

- I bet you want your head scratched!
- I bet you want

- Your head scratched.
- No, why?

We still have a lot
to talk about.

I bet you want...
Don't you snap at me!

You're lucky i don't punch
you right in the face!

Don't snap at me like that.
You're lucky i don't punch you in the face.

Lloyd: i remember you.
How could i forget those big, hairy nipples?

I remember you.
How could i forget those big, hairy nipples?

I can almost smell your stinky
"fenuter" from here!

- I can almost smell your stinky "fenuter" from here!
- Harry!

Now what are you staring at,
you ugly monkey?

Now what are you staring at,
you ugly monkey?

- Jessica, who's this?
- It's harry, dad.

- Why is he talking to you like that?
- He's... special.

Oh.

Hi, harry.

Hi.

bark, bark!

- Dinner's ready.
- What are we doing sitting around yapping?

- Let's eat!
- Right.

Hey, harry, be confident!
You look lovely!

Oh! Yaa!

Lloyd?

What are you doing here?

You live here?
I didn't... I thought harry was just...

Visiting his accountant.

So you like
your butter, do you?

We got some margarine, if you want.
You could just scoop it out of the tub.

No, i'm fine,
thank you.

- Oh!
- This is... harry.

- Hello.
- Hi.

You know, they make that
in a woman's suit, too.

Jessica, we're eating!

Meet me at the front door.

Yeah, i was just
gonna go there anyway.

Well, i see you like
my rolls.

Sure, i like a woman
with some meat on her bones.

Well...

So charlie,
what business are you in?

The name's walter.

- Lloyd, hi.
- Jessica, yeah.

So, did you
give him some yet?

- Some what?
- You know, some.

Lloyd, harry and i
have been talking about school.

In fact, i want to ask
you something.

Yeah, i know.
You want to go for a ride.

Pretty sweet waxer, huh?

- Where did that come from?
- I live with the janitor.

Yup, i got a key
to every room in the school.

So can you get us
into the principal's office?

Principal's office?
Yeah, i could probably swing that.

Lloyd, that's it!
Maybe now i'll get my story!

- What?!
- Aah!

Two-Timing slut!
And you, i thought you were from st. Louis?

I don't ever want
to see you again!

Oh my god.

And i'm leaving!

He shit everywhere.

There's shit everywhere!

Damn it!

There's shit
on the windows!

Oh my god,
my house is full of shit!

He shit everywhere!

Look what he did.
He shit all over the wall!

- When can we do it?
- Get up here!

Uh...

- How about tonight at 8:00?
- Okay.

- Great, thanks.
- My house if full of bile!

Thank you, lloyd. I got to go upstairs.
You got to leave.

See you at 8:00.

- Walter: calm down, just calm down!
- Lloyd: whoo-Hoo!

Date with jessica!
Yeah!

There's shit
all over the wall!

I'm right on time.

Won't be long now.

This is gonna
be great.

I can picture it now.

* lloyd, lloyd *

* super cool lloyd... *

Oh, ladies, and that's why god
created women with two breasts

Instead of three.
Although you're cute, too.

Yes, you are.
You should see her asses.

Lloyd, i finished
all your homework.

Oh, thanks, jessica.

Get lost, sister,
he's mine.

In your dreams.
I saw him first!

Oh! You just want him
for his hot rack!

You just want him because he's a genius,
like albert frankenstein.

Girls, girls,
girls, girls!

All right, there's only
one way to solve this.

Make out contest.

How was that, lloyd?

Lloyd, what are you doing?
That's jessica.

- And my mom?
- Hi, sweetie.

- Hey, mom.
- Harry, this is my fantasy,

And i suggest you leave right now,
before i imagine something horrible.

- But, i...
- Harry!

- Eh, eh.
- Your fantasies are so much cooler than mine.

Hey, thanks for the jet pack!

- Oopsie-Daisy.
- Lloyd, did you just fart?

Maybe.

Well, something stinks.

Maybe it's this...
mix tape i made you.

Or maybe these flowers.

- Uh... thanks lloyd.
- Yeah.

So are you ready to take me
to the principal's office?

Yeah. So no small talk, huh?
Yeah. Good,

Because i'm not
a big fan of the small talk.

So how about
this weather?

Hey, jessica,
i'm coming!

So i see
you've started without me.

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

Let's just do it
and get out of here.

Wow, straight to the business.
Okay.

Let me just get ready.

Aah, i can't
get it off.

I'm so close
i can feel it.

I never should've
switched from velcro!

Oh, wait,
i got it!

- I got it.
- That's it. I'm done.

This just didn't work out
like i thought it would.

Did you at least
enjoy yourself?

No, it was
a complete waste of time.

This is...
This is embarrassing.

This has never happened
to me before.

- That's my boyfriend.
- Boyfriend?

What was all that talk
about you riding on my waxer?

Thanks, lloyd,
but i didn't find what i was looking for.

And can you do me a favor
and clean this place up?

Principal collins
can't know that we were here.

Yeah, no problem.
I don't kiss and tell!

Huh!

Ooh.

Dirty girl.

Oh my god,
a treasure chest.

I found
harry's treasure.

Ohh!

Oh, it's heavy.
It must be fully loaded.

Harry!

Lloyd:
harry!

Hey, i found
the treasure.

- Go away, ass-Face!
- Did you hear what i said, harry?

The treasure,
like on your map.

Yeah, right.
Why don't you go show it to your girlfriend?

Jessica and i are through, harry.
Yeah.

I couldn't stand being with her
knowing that you liked her.

It just wasn't worth
our friendship.

Oh, you know, and also
she had a boyfriend.

Did you hear something,
captain rob?

- Captain rob came back?
- Yeah, he does sound like a rat-Fink.

Hey th... There's no reason
to use that kind of language.

Good one, captain rob.
He does look like a you-Know-What.

We're telling
inside jokes, are we now?

You know what?
That's it.

We're through!
You're out of the cool club!

Yeah, the next time turk's passing out
wedgies, you're not gonna get one!

Nuh-Uh.

We're done, pal!
Finito! The end!

"Auf wiener schnitzel!"

Mazel tov.

Y...

* i know just how
to whisper *

* and i know
just how to cry *

* i know just where
to find the answers *

* and i know
just how to lie *

* i know just how
to fake it *

* and i know
just how to scheme *

* i know just when
to face the truth *

* and then i know
just when to dream *

* and i know
just where to touch you *

* and i know just what
to prove *

* i know when
to pull you closer *

* and i know
when to let you loose *

* but i don't know
how to leave you *

* and i'll never
let you fall *

* and i don't know
how you do it *

* making love
out of nothin' at all *

- * making love *
- * outta nothin' at all *

* making love *

- * outta nothin' at all *
- * making love *

* outta nothin' at all *

* making love *

* love *

* lo-Ove *

* outta nothin' at all... *

* making love. *

Come to pete's
seafood shanty...

Lloyd!

- Do i know you?
- Do you know me? Yeah, you know me.

I'm in your class,
stupid.

Oh my god,
i can't believe it.

It's... It's really you.
You're harry's friend, aren't you?

Well, i wouldn't
call us friends,

But we're all right.

You... You really
are a pirate.

Well, yeah.
You like it?

So i'm an arsehole,
eh, captain rob? Huh?

What are you
talking about?

Whatever.

- Come to pete's...
- I want my friend back!

Lloyd: hey, buddy!
Hey, harry!

Hey, buddy,
you gotta see this!

Harry, are you in there?

Harry! Hey!

Buddy! Woo!

Harry, i got
a surprise for you!

You took the polar bear
out of its natural habitat.

Yeah.

Mommy, where's
the daddy polar bear?

He was shot by a hunter,
just like your father.

Lloyd,
i can't believe you!

Just when i thought i couldn't
get any madder at you,

You do something
like this.

get that polar bear
out of my yard

- And up to my room!
- Okay, buddy!

- I got it!
- * what i want, you've got *

* and it might
be hard to handle *

* like the flame
that burns the candle *

* and i can't explain *

* oh yeah,
well, well, you *

* o-Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh *

* you make my dreams
come true *

* yo-Ou, you, you *

* ooh, ooh *

* well, well,
well, you *

* o-Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh *

* oh yeah, you make
my dreams come true... *

Hey, buddy,
what happened to you?

I don't want
any problems, okay?

- * listen to this... *
- Move! Move!

Excuse me!
Get out of my way!

He must be jealous
of our polar wear.

Where is it?

Baby,
i'm going to spend the morning at the mall.

You know,
shop for waikiki.

- Where the hell is it?
- A lot of stuff we could use for the trip.

- What are you looking for?
- My chest.

- The chest i keep my papers in?
- What papers?

The documents, the photos,
the tapes.

- The evidence.
- Evidence of what?

Sweetheart, keep up
with me for half a minute.

The evidence of every scam
we've ever pulled,

The evidence that's going
to put us away for 20 years.

- Where is it?!
- I don't know, it's not here.

Somebody stole it.

Jessica.

- What jessica?
- That girl...

Who tried to follow me
on the field trip?

- She took it.
- Are you sure?

Yeah. Oh, she's been snooping around,
asking questions.

Hmm.

Well...

- I'll take care of her.
- Yeah?

You gonna kill her?

No. No, i'm not...
I'm not gonna kill her.

Honey, why don't you see to it the
kids are ready for the parade, okay?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

And i think i'll
pay jessica...

A little visit.

Heller:
thanksgiving day parade is almost here.

So, any ideas
for a float?

- Lloyd: ooh, a raft!
- A blimp!

- A turd.
- Titanic.

- A platypus.
- Corn dog.

- Message in a bottle.
- No, not things that float,

Ideas for a float.
You know, like if you see a parade

And people are...?

Can i hear
from anyone else?

- Hello.
- Hi, ching chong. What do you have?

Uh...

...licka licka pow!

She's saying
"beautiful swan..."

"...Flying gracefully
over the rice fields..."

...roy orbison.

...to the tune of
"only the lonely" by roy orbison.

No, now come on,
you guys.

Focus, think.
Put your thinking caps on.

What do you think of
when you think of thanksgiving?

- Like cranberries and indians.
- Football!

Football, yeah!
Get some!

Good for you.
No.

Oh hey, lewis has got a good idea.
George washington.

- Wow!
- Harry: who?

- He only invented money.
- Very good, lloyd.

How about a float of george
washington crossing the delaware?

- Ooh, or maybe a river.
- Like the atlantic.

Okay, so it's settled.

This is gonna be
the greatest thanksgiving ever.

You mean we have to... We have to
parade around in front of everyone?

On a float
of george washington?

- We're gonna look like idiots.
- Exactly.

No chance. We are not doing it.
No effing way.

Hey!
Hey, did i mention

That if you don't make a float,
it's back to homework?

And... real grades.

How would you like that?

Oh... And actually having
to attend class.

No.

Which means,
you won't be so special anymore.

* crack that whip *

* give the past
the slip... *

That's what i was
talking about.

* break your
momma's back *

* now whip it *

* into shape *

* shape it up *

* get straight *

* go forward *

* move ahead *

* try to detect it,
it's not too late *

* to whip it *

* whip it good. *

Hey, guys,
check it out.

Jessica: thanks, principal collins,
for giving me this interview.

Anything i can do to help.
So, you had some questions?

Yes, actually.

Last year, toby was
in ap english,

And lewis won
the science fair.

What are they doing in this
new special needs class?

Well, that's
a poor question.

It's wordy, pedantic...
A good question gets right to the point.

Example...
Where's my chest?

Chest?
I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, i think
you do.

You know, my parents
are gonna wonder where i am.

One phone call from the principal
will take care of that, my dear.

hello, it's me, brenda.

Jessica's friend?

Yeah, we're going to be
pulling an all-Nighter

In the library tonight,

'Cause we have a big exam tomorrow.
Macro... economics,

And it's really hard.

Lloyd: ooh,
they still have my two favorite flavors,

Cherry and green.

- Yeah.
- Oh, hey, fellas.

You want some of this?
Yeah.

Oh, it's gonna be good.

You know what?
I'm gonna go crazy.

I'm gonna have two flavors.
Suicide of deliciousness.

- That looks so tasty, harry.
- Oh god, i want that.

- He's mixing them.
- Oh, it's gonna taste so good.

I was right.
It's really good.

He's so lucky.

Mmm, mmm.

Suck it.

I want one.

We can't go in there.
We'll be it.

You're right...
we can't.

Come here.

Hey, hey, little buddy.
Hi, how ya doin'?

Hey, you want
to make $2?

- Sure.
- Yeah?

Okay, all you got to do is go in
there and get us two slushees.

- Okay.
- Okay, as in we got a deal?

Yeah, deal.

But first,
give me the $2.

i said "doll hairs."

Psych. But a deal's a deal.
In you go, little buddy.

- Come on.
- Fine, give me the doll hairs.

- Harry?
- A deal's a deal.

Would you take
five bucks instead?

Good thinking, harry.
Good thinking.

All right, be cool.
Be cool.

Be cool.

yeah, and she's like,
"you better call my mom."

And i'm like, "whoa,"
and she's like, "oh."

And i'm like...

It's brenda.
I'm new.

Lloyd: oh!
Ice, ice, baby.

Yeah, i peed in those.
Enjoy.

Grow up.

- You're it.
- Are not.

- Are too.
- D2.

- Chewbacca.
- Ooh, good one, harry.

Hey, it's jessica.

Harry, i thought
we worked through this.

No, it's jessica.

Lloyd: oh,
must be her boyfriend's car.

- It's principal collins!
- Principal collins is jessica's boyfriend?

Oh, that totally
makes sense.

That's why she didn't
want him to know

We were in his office
the other night.

He can't see us here.
Quick, be conspicuous!

Conspicuous?

No wonder we both
struck out with her.

How can we compete with
the sexual power of the man

Who occupies the highest
office in the land.

Yeah, he's like
the pope, harry.

Like we're gonna
snake a chick from the pope.

Here he comes.

Harry, switch.

Harry.
Jeez, moses and mary.

Hey, let's go
spy on them.

Good thinking, harry.

- Harry, bobsled!
- Lever!

Hang two!
Harry, go left!

Go left.
Cease and desist!

Cease and desist!

Come on, harry!
Mush, mush, mush.

Harry, go straight.
Warp speed, harry. Warp speed!

Is that the best
you've got?

Hey, that's my cart.

* it's the eye of the tiger,
it's the thrill of the fight *

* risin' up to the challenge
of our rivals *

* and the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night... *

Ice cream?

Are you thinking
what i'm thinking, harry?

- Oh yeah.
- Snack break!

Harry: yummy!

- Aaah! All right...
- Harry!

- There they are!
- Break's over!

So what did you tell
my parents on the phone?

Not to expect you
tonight.

Well, someone's going
to come looking for me.

Oh, i don't think so,
my dear.

* the eye of the tiger. *

I'm going to ask you
one more time.

Jessica,

Where's my chest?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Don't know what i'm
talking about, hmm?

You don't know
what i'm talking about?!

Well, well, well.

What have we here?
It appears to be a tape.

- That's not your tape.
- Don't play with me, dear.

You're way
out of your league.

Harry: jessica!

Harry, lloyd.

You guys are a mess.

Harry: we were still hungry,
so we decided to get some dessert.

- It was fun.
- Lloyd: yeah.

It was fun until harry decided
to put his wiener in my ear.

- Sorry about that.
- It's all right.

So it looks like
the best man won.

Why didn't you tell us your
boyfriend was principal collins?

What?

Lloyd on tape: jessica!

- * you light up my life... *
- Is that my mix tape?

It's being used
for your seduction?

I'm flattered.

Lloyd, when we were
in principal collins office,

Did you see any kind
of chest?

You mean like harry's treasure chest?
Sure, i know where that is.

You found my treasure?
Why didn't you tell me?

Three words... I did. You were just all
mad at me. You wouldn't even listen.

- Yeah, well, i'm listening now.
- Me too.

- This is my favorite part.
- Harry, lloyd,

Listen to me, i only have
time to say this once.

Lloyd's voice:
god, she's so cute.

Look at her teeth.

I bet she can
bite through anything.

Yeah, she could.

You gotta get what's in the chest,
and make sure everybody...

Harry's voice:
i wonder what lloyd's thinking about.

Look at all that hair. She must have
millions of tiny holes in her head.

Otherwise, it would just
bunch up all in her brain.

So guys,
are you listening to me?

- Yeah, sure!
- Yeah, yeah.

- I was, you know...
- Yeah, sure.

Lloyd on tape:
i'm a pisces.

And that's the sign of the badger.
I love picnics...

You guys gotta go
get that chest,

And show the world
what collins has been doing.

Don't worry about me.
I can get out of this anytime i want.

And i'm getting the story every
high school reporter dreams of.

Lloyd on tape:
come on, jessica.

Don't push me,
'cause i'm...

Go, get out of here.

- Gotcha, you...
- Stop!

- What?
- I don't think this is the right thing to do.

Harry, we don't even know what's in there.
You're overreacting.

I don't know
who we are anymore.

You're right.

But i feel like i deserve
much more of this treasure

- 'Cause i was the one that found it.
- My mom gave me the map.

- But i lugged it all over town.
- I made the polar bear pants.

- I ate your mom's pie!
- I found that rock!

It was a diamond,
and you swallowed it.

We were all out
of top hats.

Enough! What has
this cursed chest done to us?

You know, lloyd,

The real treasure
is our friendship.

Yeah, you're right.
On the other hand...

Oh.

What's all this?

Oh...
it's full of files.

There's pictures

And documents.

It's amazing!

Ohhh.

Hey, lloyd, this looks
like one of your mix tapes.

Maybe it's from the pirate
who buried this treasure.

You should go
put it on.

Collins on tape:
principal's log, september 23rd.

Check, check, check.
Sound check.

Hey, it's
principal collins.

That makes total sense.
I found the treasure chest in his office.

- Grant money...
- This mix tape isn't as good as yours, lloyd.

- No.
- Sound, check, check, check.

- He speaks pretty good chinese.
- That's not chinese.

That's chinese.

- Yeah.
- Oh yeah.

And that is how i,
principal collins,

Became the mastermind
behind this glorious plan.

It's the crime
of the century.

He's right.
We have committed the crime of the century.

We never thanked him for giving
us the special needs class!

But what do we do?

Lloyd: i have an idea.

Welcome to the providence
hills high school

Thanksgiving parade!

Aren't you glad
you're not watching football?

This year's theme,
white meat or dark?

Floats and exhibits from
all classes and organizations.

So enjoy.

What the hell
is that?

What did
you morons do?

Where's george washington?
What do we do with this?

- Looks great, doesn't he?
- No.

- What were you guys thinking?
- Terri: why'd you give him a makeover?

Sorry i'm late.
Woke up tied to the bed.

Somebody cut my hair
while i was sleeping.

Hey, that's my hair!

It's the marching band's
musical tribute to stuffing.

Please do not throw cigarettes
at the floats.

I've searched everywhere
and no luck.

The chest is
still out there.

That's why we get the check
as soon as zimmer shows up

And blow this pop stand before
anybody finds out anything.

The band
sounds terrible.

I know, i sold all
the wind instruments.

Hawaiian air,
business class.

- You like your new coat?
- I love it.

That's why our mascot
isn't a stallion anymore.

- This is horse?
- No, no, no, i sold the horse,

- To pay for the...
- I didn't know horse could feel this soft.

That's not horse, honey.
Yes, yes, it is soft.

So what do you think
of the float?

- Guys, this is much better.
- Yeah.

Principal collins is
a way greater american

Than george washington
will ever be.

I don't get it.
Why'd you make him a pirate?

I'll tell you why.
You won't believe these documents.

They provide evidence of a long
history of fraud and embezzlement

From the school by principal
collins and ms. Heller,

A.K.A. The lunch lady.

- Huh?
- My god, can you believe your ears?

Yeah, no clicks
and whistles.

She speaks the english
perfectly.

Lloyd, you're
a great teacher.

Ching chong,
what happened to your beautiful asian accent?

Oh, actually my name
is cindy.

The accent just
helps me meet boys.

You want it back?

you got it, joe.

Look at this.
Collins took $2000

That was supposed to go to a new
state-Of-The-Art stallion mascot uniform.

Wait, what?
Let me see.

Why have i been wearing this
one with puke in the head?

- You serious?
- Am i... Smell.

We got to tell people
about collins.

- Hey, superintendent.
- I'm not sure i can do this.

We got to nail this guy.
You'll be fine.

Just make sure
he takes that check.

Detective, you know,

He's gonna be expecting
moffitt to be... special.

Don't worry about it.
I studied acting at the police academy.

- Police academy?
- You'll be fine.

Just remember your lines.
It's show time.

- Principal collins.
- Superintendent zimmer.

- Hello.
- Hello, hello.

I'd like to introduce you
to richard moffitt,

Former special needs student,
now american success story.

- Well...
- Go ahead.

It's a very great
pleasure to meet you, sir.

Very...

Very great pleasure.

Well, is that
what i think it is?

Your little gift
for the school?

Yes.

I drew this.