Due cuori, una cappella (1975) - full transcript

Aristide receives a big inheritance from his mother, but when he meets a beautiful redhead at the cemetery, his life changes unexpectedly.

Praised be Jesus Christ,
good evening, father.

Cecilia, do you want to confess?


Tell me, dear.

When the old woman
dies, you go up to him

put your arms around his neck and say:
"Heartfelt condolences."

- Yes, mother, heartfelt condolences.
- Good.

I've finished.

I absolve you from your sins

in the name of the Father, of
the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

So be it.

For this holy unction

and for your mercy.

May the Lord forgive
all your faults.

... You've ruffled my hair.

Do you want them, now?

Do you have any change?

Some coins.



and three.

Praised be Jesus Christ.

Always be praised.


Yeah? Yes, mom.

Aristide, come here.

- Yes, mom.
- Here.

- My Aristide.
- Yes.

What do you do?

When a mother dies?

I don't know...you become an orphan?

No, you ignorant, no!

- You get...
- You get...

You lie on the floor,
you throw yourself on the floor.

No, silly, not on the ground.

- You wear a black sweater.
- Not the black sweater.

- You get on your knees.
- Oh yes.

But not now.

Aristide, I feel like I'm dying.

Not an hour will go by,
go and close the door.

I have to tell you
something important.


- My condolences, with all my heart.
- No, it's not time, yet.

Get out of here,
nothing happened.

Listen to me carefully.

- Yes mom, tell me.
- Never trust women.

Do not lend money to

If you knew how much money
I lent in my life.

I was known as "the loan shark".

I know.

Switch off...

Switch off the light.

Otherwise, who is going to
pay for the bill.

I don't know, mom.

One last thing.

Do you know what's in here?

- No, I do not know.
- Your future.



Rings, rubies.

Diamonds, sapphires.

You know what you need
to do with this stuff?

Yes, ehm...

I'm going to insure each jewel.

then... with the exchange, ehm, Swiss...
... I'll put them...

I don't know, shall I ask for a mortgage?

No, silly, not a mortgage.

- Shall I store them in the bank?
- People rob banks!

There is a safer place.

Better than Switzerland...

If you say so...

Leave me alone.

I'll take care of the last brick.


- Sincere condolences.
- Yes...

Now, you take care of it, all right?

Is the one above, your father?

No, it's me.

Actually, when you get the chance...

Please take off: "Here he lies and his
mum called him".

All in due time,
don't you think?

Oh well...

I've been knocking for
half an hour.

At this time it's always open,
what's the matter with him?

I'll try his home.

He was so fond of his mother...

Maybe in a sad moment...

I'll go check, what if he swallowed
the gas pipe...

Ouch! Holy crap!

I'm so unlucky!

I'm suffering the pains of hell.

Where's the bandage?

Holy crap, worse than measles.

Who's breaking the balls, now?


I didn't know the burns
were worse than toothache.

Well, worse, you
can't even say worse.

Every pain has its pain,
what am I talking about?

This beast is heavy.

Ouch! My fingers!

What's wrong?

My teeth hurt.

How are you?

- How are you, how are you...
- Yes, how are you?

What do you mean, how are you?
Why, what happened?

What happened?

Oh yes, I just burned my
fingers, with coffee.

It's worse than toothache.

She looked good there.

I looked good there

but in this one...
I look better, don't I?

I took it when I
recovered from mastitis.

I had such big tits!
It didn't even look like me anymore.

And this one, we took it
for Pius XII's death.

Mum liked him very
much, even as a Pope.


- Yes?
- Can I tell you something?

- Yes, yes, tell me.
- A son's love is beautiful.

But you cannot bury
yourself in pain.

You have to go out, get
distracted, have fun.

By now, it doesn't matter.

What do you mean: "By now"?

It's true that there's
only one mother

but each one of us
must go on his own way.

And you do have your way.

You have two hands,
which do wonders!

So, I'll leave this here.

Leave it here, but you
have to give me a couple of days, though.

I have to get well.

You just have to fix the
springs, it steals a bit too much.

Customers will find out.

It's supposed to steal 10-15%.

So we can pay off a few taxes.

Look, this is a
scale, not a computer.

Turn on the light.

Damn it,
this beast weighs a ton!

Take off my tie!

If you had told me earlier that
it weighed so much

I wouldn't have worn a tie!

Well, I woke up late...

So, can you do this job?

I can do it, I can do anything!

Oh yeah.

Just tamper it with a galvanometric.

Because the scale is
based on the principle

of communicating vessels.
- What do you mean?

The water comes out, the pressure
rises, and the needle...

... BOOM, causes
the injury, right?

And how much is it?

How much is it?
What do I know about the cost?

The cost depends on the water
that enters the vessels

and won't get out anymore.

Which vessels?

The communicating vessels! I
have to work under a strong vacuum!

What if one day
my hand slipped inside.

and my sleeve
fills up with dates?

Three thousand and eight, I
can't do less, case closed.

Oh well, it's all on me.

Anyway, it looks like your mother

didn't pay for certain things.

- We'll make all the calculations.
- These are scientific things

I can't explain
everything, can I?

- So?
- Nothing, he just burned his fingers.

I told him that he can't bury
himself in his pain.

Do you have a match?

No, I have a lighter.


Never mind...

Actually, I needed it
for my teeth, so...

What's wrong?

All good, in general,
as far as your "material".

Anyway, if you come to the shop...

... I could make a couple
of changes, you know...

... and a little masterpiece
would come out.

What do you mean? What do you want
to change? Retard.

I'll make changes on you, if you
go on with this bullshit.

No, don't say that.

Whore-like logic.

If they make me lose patience,
I'll show them what I'll do.

I will take my "Self Godeur".

I'll put it under a street
light, next to a bonfire.

I'll become a millionaire.
I will manufacture them in series.

I'll do an assembly line.


Aristide, come here!

What do you want from
me, I want to sleep.

Aristide, come here!

Come to me.

Why did you call me?

Why did you make me come here?

I know why.

It's for that girl who
hit me with the bag.

I just wanted to make a
little change, you know that, too.

I'm not made of Masonite.

I can't go on with
Self Godeur.

What are you doing,
are you crying?

What's that sound?

A feeble wail?

No, no, no!


Come on, madam.

Oh Lord! Have a sit!

Come on, what happened?

Oh my God, where am I?

Don't worry, we're
in a safe place.

Who are you?

I'm a fixer.

Are you a widow?

No, orphan.

Like me. On your father side
or mother side?

- Both.
- Like me, it doesn't matter!

Any brothers or sisters,
accessories, ongoing changes?


- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Excuse me.

Isn't it your chapel...
back there?

Yes, it is.

I came because

last night I watched Wuthering Heights
on television.

And suddenly, my mother says
to me: "Aristide, come here!"

I understand, I understand.
Okay, okay.

Excusatio non petita...

However, head to
the exit, please.

Gentlemen, we're closing!

You see, the cemetery makes me
feel optimistic.

Yeah, me too.

My mother is here.

My father, instead...

...I never even met him.

I did, unfortunately.

He made my poor mother
suffer so much.

My father too.

But my mother didn't
even meet him.

And even if he
doesn't really deserve it,

I respect my father
even if he's dead.


I'm like that, feelings
are my only wealth.

Are you poor?

No, no, I embroider

And I live honestly.

I live in Via dei Banchi Vecchi,
I usually catch this bus

then, I catch 97
in Ponte Milvio, then 92,

I walk for a bit and...

It's good for you, you
know, even my mother

said so.
- Do you know that I live near you?

- I'm in Campo de 'Fiori.
- Ah!

But it would take more
than two hours by bus.

I always go back home
before it gets dark.

Then, you have to take a taxi.

Do you want
to force me to take a taxi?

What are you doing?
You're heading to the taxis?

So, we need to take a taxi.

Hey Archimedes, fix the mirror!

Why? What's wrong with the mirror?

I modified your
colleague's rear view mirror.

so one could see everything, even
what was in the trunk, clear?

Fix it.

Do you like Rome by night?

I would walk until dawn.

- Do you like Turin?
- I'm here.

This is my modest home.

Ah, very beautiful.

I'll introduce myself.

Nice to meet you,
Cacciamani Aristide.

Nice to meet you too,
Giliberti Claudia.

Well, I have to go.

I will isolate myself,
waiting for...

...three weeks
to go by, until November 2nd.

- The Day of the Dead?
- That's right.

- I'll go see my mother.
- I'll go see my parents.

Well, goodbye.

Thank you!

Good night.



Claudia, Claudia!

Oh, mom.


Mom, why didn't you invite me...
When did you get married?

Never! Your father never wanted to do it!

You, instead, didn't even wait
until they finished burying me...

and you've already messed up with
that one!

Mom, don't say that, Claudia
is a good embroiderer.

There are no good
embroiderers, silly.

Why you don't want to?

After all, you made me meet her
didn't you?

You easily lose your temper.

It's not a serious thing,
I've never thought of marriage.

In fact, do you know what I'll do?

I'll dump her right away and focus on
scientific research.

Good morning Aristide.


What's wrong?

Yes, you should
fix this.

Why, it's not working?

No, it works too well.
It's too precise.

Well, I have to support five

I need a 20% gap...

Come with me.

Anyway, I can't do 20%.

I tell you, 20% is too much.

I don't feel like
robbing my neighbor.

Think of how
many poor people...

...need to take a taxi.

to go from...
Saint Tropez to Nice.

By the way, do they still have flights

Well, I don't know.

You never know
shit, uh?

- Damn it!
- How much?

- How much what?
- To see this...

You're all the same, how much, how much?

This is a job I have to do in the
hole, I'll have to go inside the hole

and what if, while I'm there
my leg slips...

and it fills up with...
- dates.

Yes, dates.

I can't do less than
three thousand and eight.

- So, I'll put this one...
- But what is this?

This one turns gas into cold coffee.

Never mind, put it down.

Listen, I'll put this here.

- I'll move this one from here to there.
- Yes, Yes, Yes.

- Did someone throw up in here?
- I don't know.

Excuse me, sir!


- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Still closed?

Yes, it's early, in 20 minutes.

Could you open for me,
I'm in a hurry.

Nobody's running
away from here, you know.

Is this the day of English humor?
Be kind, open up!

Well if you insist... but...

... this is overtime work.
- Yes.

At least a small donation
for the custodians' orphans.

- I'll come by later.
- Go ahead.

Then, maybe I'll join you
in your mother's chapel.


Don't say I opened.


Are you angry at me?

Because of Claudia, isn't it?

Today she's coming too, we are
having breakfast here.

So, you'll get to know her better.

Sure, it's not a Cacciamani, but...
she has many talents.

I don't want to marry her.

I don't want to quit the
scientific research, either.

That's basically, my future.

What do you say, is it dangerous?

I'll be careful.

You know, I come here, I bring you flowers,
I clean, I do all these things, but...

take it easy, because...
Well, bye.


I wonder if she's arrived.

Boys, no balls, neither
big balls nor small balls!

Good morning, Mr. Cacciamani.

Good morning!

Sorry, I started, because I
thought you weren't coming anymore.

Not at all, I'm sorry for being late.

But you know, I woke up this
morning with a terrible headache.

I embroidered all night, and...

Would you like some?

Thank you.

You are welcome.

Excuse me, what's on your mind?

Is this the first time that a man
takes you out for breakfast?

No, I meant...

...I eat so little.

Look, Claudio Baglioni aubergine
flan style.

Well, just...

... a little bit, thank you.

- Do you know how to make this?
- No.

So, take... some pizza.

then, after you let this sit
for twenty days...

aboard Amerigo Vespucci.

Then you take everything, and...

Everything, even
Amerigo Vespucci.

give it a nice bubble bath, like...

... long live nature!

You let it sit
for twenty days.

Then serve, either hot or cold.

But you're a gourmet!

And also an expert, right?

No, just a fan.

- The Manzotti courgette.
- That's fine, thank you.

It's a German dish, it's really good.

Holy crap!

What's wrong, Mr. Cacciamani?

A bolt!

These are just
shitty jokes, Claudia!

Mr. Cacciamani.


You called me by my name.

Did I?

- Yes, you.
- No.

No, I didn't call anybody by their name,
there are witnesses, I...


Claudia, let this lapsus turn
into a vibrant reality.

Let's just use our regular names.

Is it difficult for you?

Try, try, you have to try!


No, try it again, come on.


No. I made the mistake once, and now...
I'm sorry...

I can't stand the toothache anymore.

Oh! that's great.

- Sorry!
- What are you doing?

What happened? You have a big
stain on your blouse...

Did I touch your tit?
- Yes.

It was truly a wonderful picnic.

Gentlemen, we are closing.

Head to the main gate, we
are already in overtime.

Nobody wants to work anymore.

Oh yes. Unfortunately,
even November 2 is over.

This way.

- Have a good evening.
- I don't mean to send you away.

Maybe, you won't believe it

but there are people complaining.

- Thank you.
- Sorry, have a good evening.

- He's nice, isn't him?
- Yes.

What plans do you have tonight?

Hmm, well...

No, don't tell me,
let me guess.

So, tonight you'll
have a light dinner...

a little television,
and then straight to bed.

How did you know?

That's right.

You know I
could describe...

... your days, minute by minute?



You are being informal.

Claudia, why don't we
end this evening...

... with something crazy,
something crazy and passionate?

- Passionate?
- Yes!

What do you mean, passionate?

Have you ever been on a plane?

The most difficult moments
are take-off and landing.

Would you like to travel?

Like crazy.

It's the thing I've been always dreaming
of, since I was a child.

Do you know what I would like to do?

Take a trip to Venice, and you?

I had to go there
with my mother in 1967.

to make a little change to
the Bridge of Sighs.

Then we didn't talk
about it anymore...

Wow, what a kiss!

Let's go home, I'll put this
back, then you...

And then what?

You can trust me,
I'm a gentleman.

Look, the people who came to
my house...

didn't want to leave!

Once, there was a partisan...

and there was a German man who...

... who had a
shoe factory in Rimini

and then this...

... this German man...

Wait, I'll do it.

I never go out at night.

So, this German man ripped
off all his trousers,

and then he was
very nice to him.

It's a clean
house, you'll see.

Imagine that, first the
Germans and then the Americans...

in 1953-1954

tried to bomb it
from head to toe.

- Fortunately, when...
- Is it your mother?

Yes, yes.

You know, we took this one
when I was healed from mastitis.

Imagine, I had...
Well, I'll explain some other time...

Sorry, Aristide.

I really need to
take an aspirin.

- I'll go get you a glass of water.
- No, I'll do it!

It's a bit messy,
you know, mom is dead.

The light is at the top

Thank you.

I have to...
take an aspirin, too.

Look mom, don't tell
me anything...

Look, I never told you anything.

Money, cinema...

... radio, television, success,
ups and downs, illness, death.

I never told you anything,
don't say anything,

Please don't say anything,
because I never told you anything.

My shop is there, my coworkers too.

...There are also the
exhibit room and

the room for changes, do
you want to see it?

No, it's late...

Will do that another time.

You're leaving without...
drinking anything, a liquor maybe?

- If you want to...
- Oh yeah...

Have some of this,
my mom bought it.

- Florio brandy, three thousand and eight.
- Just a sip, OK?

Otherwise, I'll get a headache.

Too much! That's right!


What's wrong?

What's happening?

- What's wrong, are you okay?
- I feel...

Is it a bad moment? Come on!

Come on!

- It burns, my head is spinning.
- Come on, come on, smile.

Come on!

I can't stand on my feet anymore...

- How will I go back home?
- Don't worry, I'll give you my room.

I'll figure something out.

No, I can't accept,
you're too kind.

Here you go, it was my mom's.

- She never wore it.
- Thank you.

I'll also give you her spot, I'll
take the pillow... and I'll leave.

- It's beautiful...
- It's really beautiful, it's hand made

and you know what's inside.

Good night.

Well, taking advantage
of a vulnerable orphan...


- Yes?
- Do you have something to read?

Yes, a book.

- It's... on the nightstand.
- No, it's not here.


... it's on the desk.
- It's not even on the desk.

And then I'll come check.

I apologize, I didn't...

... I didn't think I would find you...
I'm sorry...

... forgive me!


I heard:
the book, the book!

So, I opened the door, because
I wanted to show you...

.. where it was... where...

You look so different from mom.

Oh yes?

So, you're not going to give me the book?

The book... is in...
in the drawer

I put it there...because I
thought, what if anyone arrives?

I would give them the book to read.

It was my mother's book, she read it...
a hundred times...

I read it too.

- Thank you...
- The title is...

-... Wuthering Heights.
- Thank you!

Do you want me to roll
up the blankets?

You know what I'll do?
I'll tuck you in.

You're so kind!


- Good night...
- Good night...

What are you doing?

- I... I'm not doing anything...
- What a bully!

It wasn't me.

You are so aggressive!

Oh yes, I'm aggressive.

You are scaring me so much...

I'm a rough man...

- Cruel, violent!
- Sorry...

Look how you act with
a poor lonely girl!

I'm a coward, I'm a coward!

- Brutal...
- It's true!


I'm a savage!

Please, pull yourself together!

You're taking advantage of a
poor helpless orphan...

I also take after my mother.

So beautiful.

What are you doing, are you smoking?

Are you addicted?

Once in a while.


Where did you learn
to share in love?

Damn, you're something...

I read the Christian Family magazine.

Are you a subscriber?


Do you mind if we talk about it...
for a moment?

About what?

Well... you know what might happen

when you do certain
things, right?

Go ahead, please tell me more.

Well, I mean... the semen,
the womb, the hormones...

The squirt, the spray,
the belly...

You shouldn't worry
I know what I need to do.

I won't certainly do what...

...my dad did with my mom.

You saw what happened to my mom.

What happened to her?

She's dead!

Let me ask you a question.

Did you already know
love before tonight?

You don't have to answer me.

Besides, I didn't
even reveal you...

... the back story of my life,
and it's long, you know.

Like 50%.

I will answer you.


before meeting you,
I didn't know love

but the pains, the
sufferings of love!

- I had so many issues!
- How many?

Well, like 50%.

Don't cry.

Even my mother had her issues.

and I'm the living witness.

So many issues!

The number doesn't matter,
it's about the percentage, believe me.

You're so good, Aristide!


I'll offer you both my name and
my home, please accept.

I can't accept both
things, unfortunately.

Why you don't want
to accept my home?

Not your home...

... your name!

- Why?

- I'm already married...
- Holy crap!

I was sixteen.

- Sixteen?
- I was alone and helpless...

He didn't look like a bad person!

At first, he was kind, protective.

Then, later...

... proved to be treacherous and cruel.

He just cared for money.

It's for the money,
that he forced me...

What a horrible thing!

If you knew where
he was taking me!

I'll tell you, where
he took you...

... he took you in the hotels!

Yes, really bad ones with no services!

As far as services, they could have
made a change, couldn't they?

Take a box, you know those
tuna boxes?

Very big ones.

Apply a 15 mm drain pipe,
which comes down like that.

then put a, a...

Oh well, I should
take some measurements...

I can't do the job right now, can I?

Where is he now?

In Marseille, in prison.

He is an international criminal.

Now, stop crying.

I'll help you.

You will live with me.

Cheer up!

You will no longer need
to embroider at night.

Did you sign up?


I'm always in charge, though.

- Really?
- It's true!

Madam, where shall we put
this washing machine?

Put it there, thank you.

Here you put some veal.

Here you put... some mule, horse meat...

...even a dog!

You switch it on...

- Damn!
- See that...

- Wonderful!
- What's "wonderful" about it?

It is a trivial system of
filters and counter-filters

structured, dosed and calibrated

according to the latest needs
of the alphabetical order.

- Fantastic!
- Right!

That's beautiful!


Can I try it?

No, you can't!

This is a private experiment.

What's this?

It's the bill, three thousand and eight.

There is time, we'll talk
about it, some other time.


Are you leaving?


She's worse than your late

You're a genius, my love!

A genius!

Not even my mom was that good.

You know what I'll do?

I appoint you as the tax collector
of the company Cacciamani-Giliberti.

I'll buy you a nice car...

... and you'll go
around giving hard time

to delinquent, reluctant

My love, are you mentioning
presents, again?

You already gave me this
magnificent Piaget.

I can go by bus.

No, no, I've decided, a car...
and that's it.

You know, you've become a
big spender?

You don't think we could
have children, too?

You do not have to worry about this.

You know, I have
solid savings.

Please. I don't need to know these

- Yes, you do!
- No!

You must know that...

... that this house was...

... it was the house of mercy.

More than the house of mercy, it was...
a mountain of mercy.

Do you understand?


The poorest neighbors often came
to ask my mother for money.

And mom gave it to them.

but most of the time

they didn't return them, so...

And your mother?

So, mom kept...

What do you call them...

- The pawns?
- Yes, the pawns.

Then you know, my mother died and...
he could not return them.

But one day, I will die too.

and all that stuff
will be yours.

What luck!

But you're so young!

Anyway, I've decided.

No car.

Mr. Cacciamani, this is
a very good deal

here are the keys of your Mini.

Thanks, love, what
a beautiful car!

Yes, beautiful, but...
I would make some changes.


So, how did it go?

It went great.

I broke the record!


- It's really cool, try it.
- Yup!

Be careful...it wiggles...

They will all look at you!

Hurry, this is the
right moment.

You have to fight if you want
him, they're not even married.

and you have a dowry,
which she doesn't have

you are also a virgin, go!

What's wrong?

You've never seen a Formula 1 pilot?

Good evening.

Don't say hi,
we risk life every single moment.

Have a good evening!

Good evening, father.

Hi son...
Look, my...

....Is my thing ready?
- Yes, yes, come.

Yes, thanks.

- Look.
- Yes.

- So...
- Yes.

You see? The microphone should
be inserted here.

You put it in here,
then you

talk and you can
hear everything.

- Yes.
- What's the use?

What do you mean?
What kind of question...

It's to protect our

charitable and merciful organization.

The worshipers have become more
and more clever!

But listen...hmm...

Listen, does it pull a lot?

What do you mean?

You always think
about the same things, but...

But I meant, up to which distance,
can you hear?

- Ah, yes, this...
- Oh, my Goodness...

... this is connected... come.
- Oh, yes, thank you.

Look at this.

So, this should be
connected to this

and you can hear up to 12 km.
- 12 km?

So, let's see, Saint Peter,

Saint Paul, Saint...

Oh, look at that!
Look, look, look!

The latest transistor model?

So we were saying, 12 km...

is enough! Enough,
enough, enough, enough...

Listen, is it sensitive?

Because you know, his Eminence's,
voice is too low.

This even detects mini farts,
it is better than the Watergate.

You talk like
a truck driver!

Listen... thank you son.

God will pay you homage.

- Er, three thousand and eight.
- Mark that.

For him, four
Pater, Ave Gloria prayers.


Your umbrella.

Ah, thank you, thank you.


... what happened?

Is the power out?

Is the dynamo broken?


Is it you?

Oh my God!

Are you a tax collector?

What a bad weather!

Do you need a light?


...you stupid!


What happened?

- What did I do to him?
- Nothing, you just fainted.

But then you don't know
anything, there was a robber...

... I fought him while
I was about to kill him...

... I fainted, maybe...
I ate something heavy.

Perhaps, the cold, or...

... or maybe a punch?

Yes, but now calm down, okay?

My head hurts, I had
a bad digestion...

Run, he's still here.

Call 113, before I
kill him again.

You're so impulsive! Calm down.

Of course I'm impulsive, don't you
see what I did?

Why don't you shut up?

Keep your hands off my lady!


Listen to the retard.

To begin with, this
madame is not yours.

It's mine.

What are you doing? What's up with your

I have a headache.

I do not want to be
touched, thank you.

Aristide, this man is
Victor, my husband.

He just got out of jail.

Holy crap!

What do you want?

- I want Claudia, and I'll take her away.
- No!

You don't get it, do you?

You're a creep but I like you.


Oui, Mon ami.

My beautiful baby.

I really like you.

We'll get to an agreement.

That's right, what do you want, money?

Claudia n'est pas à
vendre, she is not for sale.

She is a human being, and she
is also ma femme, my wife.

But as the company
Cacciamani-Giliberti is doing very well

and I do not want to cause any damage,
I'll make you a proposal.

What about it?


Have a sit.

Go ahead.

Je veux un prix.


will continue to
live in this Maison.

In this house.

All right.

And I will also live here.

Then we have
a little problem.

Take it or leave it.

I'm afraid, I do not want to
be with him, Aristide!

Aristide, take it or leave it.

Let's talk.

I will have to make two changes.

First, I'll turn the sofa into a bed.

Secondly, I will have to
enlarge the Self Godeur.

You will like it!
How long?

It depends.

Just enough so I can get back on tour.

In the lap.

A good shot

et voila!

I won't bother you anymore.

This shack is small

for my ambitions.
- For the neighbors...

... you will be my lady's brother,
back from the military.

Well done, creep!

You've got a lot of imagination,
haven't you?

I really like you.

And now let's go eat.

When I create something, I
have to eat.

À la table.

How could you marry such a beast?

He must weigh 200 kg.

I do not know, I was sixteen.

But even at sixteen, 200
kg is still 200 kg!

What's this crap?

Go get some better wine.

We do not take orders
from anyone.

I'll go.

White or red?

- Rosè.
- Oui, monsieur.

Anyway, not even the prison's director
had such a soft bed.

I meant the base camp.

Bonne nuit.

Just a moment.

- The agreement was that...
- Which agreement?

Claudia and I are still officially married.


My love, calm down...

He could do anything!

It's good to know.

I should know.

He is part of the family, now.

Listen to that.

He gets angry too.

You have no style, look at me!

What have you been doing
every night?

You were "dipping the biscuit
in the cappuccino"...

knowing that the
cappuccino was mine!

But I was fine with it.

In my absence, Claudia has
her physical needs.

You are so vulgar!

The vulgar is back!

and he takes his cappuccino back.

Good night.


Good night.

Bonne nuit.

Aristide! Aristide!

Aristide, my love

it was terrible!

- What?
- I said it was terrible!

A night of hell,
if you knew...

You tell me?

Seven times, do you understand?

Holy crap!

Seven times! But I wasn't feeling anything.

I was cold, indifferent,
it's like I wasn't there.

My heart was with you.

Also my heart was with you.

Well...when one is not
at home, one...

shouldn't exaggerate!

Is the eggnog ready?

Good morning.

Oh, no.

What are you doing to me?

What do you want to do?

I'm ticklish, you turn me on!

Oh my God, stop,
try to understand.

Aristide is suffering!

I believe it!

- It's disgusting, there's a hole.
- Give me a pair of Aristides's socks!

It's not funny!

Aristide's feet are
smaller than yours!

Well done.

Not only his feet are smaller....
Everything else is smaller....

Is he making fun of me?

Good job, kid. You made my petite dejeuner.


It's mine, okay?

Three teaspoons of sugar.



- And one...
- It's bitter.

Spread butter on the bread.

I'm not feeling good.

I started feeling vindictive.

But I can't do this.

Enjoy your meal.

I'm too smart.


She's also a maid?

Why should she be ashamed?

She's helping her husband to put his
shoes on.

What shall I say, then? I've never spread
the butter for anyone...

I should say...

No, I won't say anything, I'm
too important.

- What's your foot number?
- What do you mean?

Oh no, it's too small,
my jacket!

My mother's flowers! No!

- That's it!
- Aristide, no!

I'm too funny.

I'm about to kill him again...

I have to be more careful,
I'm too indifferent.

For Heaven's sake,

you'll end up in
jail for a lifetime.

And I'll go back to embroidering.

My love,

we should let him be.

The only possibility, the only way
to send him away is to say yes,

always yes, whatever he
wants, we will say yes.

So, he'll get in trouble again
and he'll end up in jail.

Holy crap!

I get the passion...

but this is mess!

You are guests!

If I treated my Self
Godeur this way

I would have to change all
the elastic bands!

Please, let's make love, I
really need to feel I'm yours.

Now, I can't.

But our love must come first.

- I can't, there's too much mess.
- Love purifies all.

No, look, I'm sorry,

but I can't do it here.
Everything reminds me of that beast!

We need to disinfect this place.
Look at that!

Poor guy, look who she brought home.

Did you take us to
the Geneva Motor Show?

Be quiet, stop there.

Who is it?

He's my property.

I don't like him.

I never said I was

- When did you get out, Peppi'?
- A week ago, and you?

About a week ago, too.

Is the red one...


Second run-wheel drive is being
run in...

What did you understand?

These are my sister and my brother-in-law.

I don't like him.

This is Peppe, or Agnelli.

Is he from Turin?

And the headboard?

It has been completely

Do you like it?

It is well kept.

It reminds me of something that
happened in Florence, in...1964?

Show them how the
emergency system works.

All electronic.

Connect it!

It's a joke!

Je veux faire a coup.
I want to make a hit.

Great idea.

I need a base, and a runner.

Claudia will be the base,
and you will be the runner.

Yes, of course.

I will also be the base, if you want.

Listen, for me...

... some asparagus, a nice
portion of chicory with anchovies...

... and chicory with
garlic and red pepper, allez!

So, from this play-on word, you mean...

...you're asking us to be your

You misunderstood, creep.

I don't ask anything, I'm in charge,
I make decisions, okay?

Let's do something, Claudia and
I have savings in the bank.

we'll give them to you...so you don't make
a hit

and we won't get in trouble.

And you will leave.

Aristide is right,
it's better for you.

All right.

As someone said.

"This or that, it doesn't matter".

But we have to see if they
are actually even... this and that.


What do you think you're
doing with your hit?

Two million?

Two hundred million!
I'm not kidding!

Two hundred million? But
where will we find them?

Let's do this.

Let's do 100 million,
Nothing less than that.

What exactly is the runner's task?

The runner...


and does what he has to do
and returns to the base.


Watch the details.

He is stupid.

He wants to rob the bank.

It's too dangerous,
I can't!


I don't want to do a robbery.

You're a fool.

You thought it was
a robbery?

Isn't it a robbery?

Robberies are not my thing.

What do all these children
have to do with it?

Is it a charity robbery?

Guys, if we start with this bullshit,
we're foutu. Fucked!

I said there will be no risk...

... and there will be no risk.

The scene you are
watching, is the same every day.

At 1 o'clock near the school exit

This lady is going to pick up
her daughter.

Then she's going to buy milk.

And since she has to
cross the road...

...she leaves the child alone
on that bench, all clear?

- But we can't see.
- You can see very well!

Anyway, now let's take a look
at the details.

Remember this face.

Is this a face?

Not that one.

Wait a moment.

Here it is.

This one.

Will you be able to recognize
this petite fille?

No, for me she is
not identifiable.

Neither for me.

I must admit that the
filming is not really good.

I will give you an identikit.

This is a mole.


The braids.



Did you study fine arts?

Is it a motorcycle?

I drew you a picture of a
girl with two braids, and a mole.

A mole!

Her name is Margherita.

And she is eight years old.


We'll have to "kidnap her".

I didn't understand. Use a play-on words.

We will put her in a car.

We'll bring her here.

And we'll ask her father
for a ransom.

Two hundred million.

- What?
- Oh, God!


- What's wrong?
- Oh God...

Let him lie down,
give him a glass of water.

Please tell me what's going on!

Nothing, we are
talking to a fool.

But please...

Don't be tragic. Victor
didn't explain well.

No, he explained very well.
He wants me to steal a motorcycle.

then he will give it back to the
owner for 200 million. He's stupid.

Come on! It's not a murder.

Drink up.

The kidnapping...

...is not a serious crime.

In Italy we say: kidnapping
for extortion's purposes.

That's why it sounds bad.

In America, they say: kidnapping.

It's totally different.

Don't you think?

Where are you going?

To pack.

Where? What?

The other day you said:

"Either I'll stay here, or
Claudia will come with me."


Claudia will come with you.

Goodbye, Aristide.

Claudia, for God's sake, don't
make a fuss for a bike!

Aristide, let's forget it.

The beautiful dream
is over for both of us.

Claudia, do not leave me.

It's better for you, don't you see
that I only bring you bad luck?


Give me 24 hours.

After all, it's the
first time that I take away a bike

from his family.

Time's up.

It's 12:15 pm,
get in sync with me.

I do not have seconds.

But I have the dates, is it fine?

The time has come to
reveal some details.

Margherita, the girl we're going
to kidnap

is Bartolomeo Cassalà's daughter.

A Sicilian crook with a ton of money.

He was my cellmate.

He had to serve eight years,
but managed to escape.

Now they call him Mario Rossi.

That's smart!

But he is wanted by
the police, so...

...he can't report the kidnapping.
He will have to pay and shut up.

Moral of the story...

We already have 200 million
in our pocket, right?

He is stupid, I'm too smart.

Come on, let's see how it fits you.


C'est parfait!

Put this beard on.

But is it necessary to
put all this stuff?

Don't you understand that if they
recognize you, you'll end up in prison?

But what do I have to do with it,
you will do the kidnapping.

No, you will do the

Good Lord,
you're really stubborn!

You just finished explaining everyone's

Didn't you say that I
was going to be the runner?

Look, this thing

is becoming ridiculous!
- Sorry.

You'll go there, take the
child and bring her here to the base.

That's what the runner does!

Aristide, calm down.

Leave this ungrateful
task to me.

Let's see.

No, it doesn't suit you, I'll go.

Any other questions?

- No.
- Alors, everything's ok!

Why did you park in
front of the bank?


No, don't worry, because...

You see that school
over there? I came to pick up a motorcycle.

Then I'll give it to a
guy and he'll give it back

and they will give him 200 million.
We already have them in our pockets.


All right, then I'll
go back there.



- Hi
- Hi.

Mom told me if...

... you would like to come with me...

... to take the motorcycle.
- Which motorcycle?

Your mum is in the shop, she told me...

...about Victor's bike,
the 200 million one.

Who is Victor?

Victor, it's the
bike guy, isn't he?

- Come on, will you come with me?
- And how am I going back home?

I'll take you with the bike!

All right, I'll go with you.

Do you know where we
have to go?

Otherwise mom will get worried.

No, it's not far.

I agree with your mother
that if anything...

... she will come...pick you up from home.

- Whose home?
- Victor's...

...house! He's your mother's friend,
you know.

Now we have to switch car.


What is he doing? Hey!


Stop, what are you doing?
Are you crazy? Stop!

Don't you see we're
towing a car?


Is it yours?

Yes. No, no, it's not mine.

And then get out of here.


Don't you know
Article 115?

Come on, move or else you'll be in trouble,
do you understand?

I'll kidnap her!

What's your name?

- I didn't understand the question.
- I said, what's your name?

- Marco Ferreri.
- So, get out of here, understood?

- Stop!
- Otherwise, I'll report you for resisting.

Let's go.

- Did you see how he treated me?
- Let's get the other car back, then.

No, not the car, it's
better to catch the bus.

- Listen.
- Yes.

Where did you meet my mother?

Your mom, I've never...
yes, I met her...

... I met her at school.

- At school?
- Yes, in a school of...


- In a dance school!
- Dance?

A dance school in... Cervinia.

- And what were you doing in Cervinia?
- I was skiing...

I had to fix a record player.

- When did you start growing your beard?
- Stop!

I started growing it,
today is...

- I grew it out this morning.
- This morning?

You're so funny!

It you weren't so funny, it
would look like a kidnapping.

I feel bad, the bus is making me sick.

I feel like throwing up.

Turn off the heaters, I...

Long live Italy!

Do you think that moron was arrested?

What happened?

He was sick, and they
turned off the heaters.

Poor man, take him home and tell him
he does not have to go out alone,

did you understand, kid?

Aristide, finally!

I was so worried! Come in.

This is the girl.

Now give me a bike

so I will take her
home and then...

... I will come back
with 200 million.

Of course, right?

He can't think straight, he feels bad.
I'm going to get some water.

- Is that lady his wife?
- Shut up.

- I'll do my homework.
- Do your homework.

While I'm waiting for
mom, I'll do my homework.

Good, sit here.

Drink, Aristide.

Talk to him.

To whom?

The father's child!

No, no, you're the boss.

Stupid, he could
recognize my voice.

Aristide, it is true, his
voice is unmistakable.

You convinced me.

Hello, hello, who's there?

It's... Aristide!

- I'm the bike's guy
- Which bike?

You speak first, smart ass!

This is Mario Rossi, who is that?

Liar! You are...

... Cassalà Bartolomeo.

Deny it! If you...

If you...

Come on!

I can't hear anything anymore.

What do you want?

Be nicer...



you should do me a favour,

be kind and give me 200 million.

I'll stab you two hundred times!


otherwise your daughter...

you can add a sign...

on your daughter...

A cross, a cross!

Are you crazy, what about the kid?

- Hello, hello!

- Say hello to dad.
- Hi Dad.

You haven't finished yet, read this!

You heard her voice.

So... listen to me.

Well! Listen to me well.

If you do not pay 200 million

her hello

will become a farewell!

- I wanted to say bye.
- Good job! little creep.

With some practice, you'll become
a pro!

Why did you take off your beard?

So they won't recognize me...

I liked you more with the beard.
- Really?

I look good with a
mustache, too?


I will grow beard and mustache.

Are you happy?

You're so cute!

What a beautiful mole!


But this is not a mole!

It's ink!

Don't laugh!
Who are you?

My name is Ines.

Aren't you Margherita Cassalà?

Margherita Cassalà
is my school mate.

- And she has a mole here, under the nose?
- Yes.

Oh God! What a mess, he'll kill me!

Your father's name is...
Cesare Pancrazi?

Oh God! What a mess...


Where can I find your father?

He's playing pool at the club.
Nobody can beat him.

The telephone number is...

- Look, you and I have to make a deal.
- Is this a game?

Yes, it's like a game

but if you do not do what I
say, you'll lose the game...

You understand, don't tell anybody
your name is Ines.

You will have to say that
you are Margherita Cassalà

otherwise, you will lose the game.

and they will rip my balls off.

- But I don't have the mole!
- Well, I'll draw it back on.

Remember, never wash your face

the mole will wash off.

And you'll have to
keep our secret, okay?

Otherwise, if Claudia knows
you're not Margherita

she will get worried and
Uncle Victor...

will destroy you.

In 5 minutes, call Cassalà.

You will give him the ultimatum,
the payment must be made within 24 hours.

And clear agreements.

I just want 10,000 in banknotes, in a
brown leather suitcase, clear?

Will they fit into a brown suitcase?

They will.

Cesare! You have a call!

Do not touch the balls!

- Thank you.
- You are welcome.



Ines has been kidnapped.

By a criminal?

No, no, it's a simple kidnapping,
you have to pay 200 million.

How much?

Two hundred million by tomorrow

Victor said they will fit
in a brown suitcase.

I'm poor and unemployed!



Keep Ines!

Don't say that, you'll see
Cesare, there's a way to...

... to get to an agreement.
Anyway, stay right there.

I'll call you back.
- Yes, I'll be here!

Bye, bye!


Fortunately, the girl has two ears,

two braids, two eyes.

So, we'll leave her one

and we'll send the other one to
her daddy.

Just to put pressure
on Mr. Cassalà.

- Have you written the address, clearly?
- Yes.

Look at this braid.

It's badly cut, with
what it's worth

you could have sent her to
the hairdresser!

Maybe you would need to...
to insist...

to be more convincing, persuasive.

Sometimes, if you're nice, you get more.

Victor, listen to him, Victor.
Give it a try.

Alright then.

I love the creep.

I'll let you try.

But if I do not have 200
million here tomorrow morning...

To put together the
child, piece by piece,

you will need the manual...I mean..

- Instructions?
- Good boy.

Hey you. Let's go to bed.

I'm not sleepy.

But I do not want to sleep.

I'm afraid.

You are afraid, but you
do not know everything.


What else do I need to know?

Claudia, you have to... forgive me, but
I hid something terrible from you.


The little girl with the big butt...

...hasn't got the mole.

I didn't steal the bike,
I jumped off the bus.


I'm coming!

My God, how did
you mess up?

We all messed up!

I couldn't recognize
the girl in the video...

... I followed the butt he pointed at,
in the video.

- Claudia!
- I'm coming!

If you had tried to
save, at least...

Instead, you bought me the car too.

Who knows, maybe Victor...

... maybe he would be happy
with a good pay off...

A payoff...

I told you, my mom
left me some jewels.

- So...
- No!

That is your inheritance,
it is all your future.

Damn future! I can't go on all my life...

...stealing bikes...

It's your deal, you decide.

Don't make me decide, please.

You must decide.

Let's give everything to him,
let's get it over with.

- Claudia!
- Stop!

Sorry mum, I'll explain later...



Take it or leave it.

Cassalà me fait chier.


It sucks! I asked for
cash, and look what he sent me!

Cassalà, poor man, did not
have time to get a good deal.

They might have given
him 50 million, at the most.

And how much could I get?

Even...70, finding the amateur.

Didn't I say 200?

But the currency goes down,
and the gold goes up!

Within two years, these jewels will
be worth at least three times more.

I don't buy it.

Call Cassalà, tell
him that I will

keep this stuff as down payment.

And I'll wait for the rest!

Victor, please accept it.

Try to close this sad chapter...
... being generous.

I don't know, every time I
did something good, I got screwed.


You know what I mean...

All right, take the hostage back.
End of discussion.


Why you don't shake my hand?

The creep!

... I was getting fond of him...

I'm here.




- Hi, Ines!
- Hello!

Mum, mum!

Ines, sweety!

- How are you?
- Well. Victor says hello.

Really? Thank you!

Let me see you, sweetie.

Oh my God, they cut
your braid too!

What do you think of Aristide?

- He's whiny but good.
- Really?

He also gave me...

-... forty thousand lire!
- Wow!

I'll keep them.


Hello, who is this?

- Victor, this is Cesare.
- Ah, it's you.

- You were running away?

What do you mean?

I was just about to call you.

You promised me 10%, you'll have
to give it to me, now!

I'll give you 10%,
trust me!

I lent you the girl!

A poor innocent soul,
not a scarecrow!

What about all the money
I anticipated, my expenses?

Phone tokens, bus tickets,

the ink for the fake mole, the braid...
who is it going to pay for that?

Hello, Victor, can you hear me?


Hello! He hung up on me, asshole!

- He screwed us all!
- He screwed everyone?

- I'll break your nose!
- Why?

You dragged me into this story

and I do not want to be ridiculed.

Do you understand?

That's enough, right
up until the last moment!

I can understand prison abstinence,
but there's a limit to pleasure!

You're a pig!

What did you do...

...the messing around?

Chains, whips and porn photos!

Claudia, where are
you, what did he do to you?

Where is Claudia, what

- That bitch!
- Do not talk like that!

I won't allow you to talk
like that, where is she?

- But I do not know!
- You don't know?

Let's see if you remember!

Tell me where she is otherwise
I'll kill you, I swear!

- But I told you I do not know!
- You do not know? Well...

...you'll see!

Don't be violent! Let's talk!

Coward... defend yourself!

Don't you see, I'm tied up?

Do not make excuses, you know!

Oh, you hurt my hand!

What is all this scene about?

You call it scene?

I was on the phone, talking
to a business partner...

and that bitch...

jumped on top of me.

- She hit me with a bottle!
- She did the right thing!

When I woke up, I was
in this position.

Claudia was standing by the door

with the jewelry bag in her hand...
and she was laughing!

When Claudia has something
in her hand, she never laughs!

And you
know it very well!

Are you joking?

I'm not joking,
Aristide, I swear!

Forgive me, Aristide...

... I did not want to!
It was her!

"I've found a fool, let's rip him off
and then we'll share".

That's what she told me, Aristide!

Believe me, you were Claudia's target
before your mother died.

"I'll set this up" (her words).

"And you arrange the hit".

And instead, she screwed me, too!

It's funny...

... even if what you say, seems true.
- But it's true!

In fact, Claudia isn't here,
do you see her?



Where is Claudia?

Come on, come up with some other
lie, where is she?

Fuck her, and her
seventy million jewels!

I'll wait for Claudia.

I want to hear
her deposition.

So far, I have only heard the words
of a predator and player!

An asshole!

What do you mean, player?

Claudia has always
worked on her own.

I met her when she was a prostitute
in Viale delle Milizie.

I'm a poor guy.

I was like you once:
honest, hardworking.

She corrupted
me, she is a whore!

I swear, Aristide, it's the truth.
She isn't my wife.

She's just a big whore.
I swear to you on my mother, Aristide!


Thank you...

Now, leave.
And never come back.

My tie.

- This one?
- No, the other one.

The French one.

- I have all striped clothes...
- Go.

Do you know a girl
named Claudia?

Is there a colleague
named Claudia?

Do you know Claudia?



Come with me, with five thousand
lire, I'll make you forget everything.

Even her name.

- What's your name?
- Claudia.

- Aristide...
- What?

Who is it? Who are you?

It's me, Victor, you don't recognize me?

No, I do not recognize you.

- Aristide...
- What?

I've been wandering the streets for
a month!

And you're not dead yet?

But now, it's a matter
of hours, you know.

And you came only
to tell me this?

I came to be forgiven.

You already asked for
forgiveness before leaving.

Yes, but you didn't forgive me!

All right, I'll forgive you.



If you want, the aspirin...

... the aspirin is on the TV.

Tomorrow morning,
I'll wake up at 7.

at 6:59, you'll have to
be out of here, clear?

If I make it until
tomorrow morning...

If you don't make it,
you'll leave earlier.

May I?

Before leaving, I've
prepared the eggnog.

- You taste it first.
- Why, you don't trust me?


It needs more sugar.


I've got the flu.

Now, you will go back to your
mother, and you'll get better.

I'll go back there soon.

I feel she's calling me.

She died giving birth to me.

My first home was the orphanage.

The second one, the reformatory.

The third was the prison.

- The fourth, will be the grave.
- Holy crap! How lucky!

- Have you ever gambled at the Totocalcio?
- You must be joking, Aristide.

You have a home.


As you get better...
you get the fuck out!


Do you like it?

Beaucoup, c'est très
joli, très belle.

It is a French model.

Yes, in fact in Marseille I
had a similar one,

but there was a
number on the back.

- Well, well, you're just fine.
- Yes.

Now you know.

This is also a French model,
a Bersagliere military gave it to me.

Use it properly.

Dust everything, especially
my mother.

Buy some flowers, tidy the house
because I'm waiting for a girl, okay?

Clean and be positive!

- Yes, Aristide ..
- Do everything right.

- Clean and be positive.
- A girl...

You are beautiful!

- Mom, but isn't it a joke?
- No joke.

He told me:
"Your daughter will be a perfect wife".

So go, be brave and
honor yourself!

Be spontaneous.

Mom please, calm down, and
let me talk a little too!


Believe me, there are people who can't
live without a woman next to them.

Hope is what it takes!

You know it...



- Go and open.
- Sure, Aristide!

Trust me, you know I'm smart.

And then if anything... some
small changes... calm down.

- Bonjour.
- Holy crap...

Good morning.

Good morning.

You like her?

So, you will get
married on 2 November.

We'll have a nice ceremony,

a little party at home,
we'll remember mom.

Mon dieu, Aristide, I
thought she was for you.


You shouldn't think.

You must listen to
intelligent people.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

With this change, you
will have a home,

you will have two women
looking after you,

they will buy you good wine,
they will polish your shoes,

they will spread butter on you bread.

- Eh...
- They will buy you French ties...

You'll be fine, you'll see.

You have a job. I
see you've already

become attached to the house.

By the way...

... look.

Look at that.
Will you do it again?

No, no.

- Tell me you will not do it again.
- I will not do it again.

Every morning, you will
start work at 7 o'clock,


Punctuality, tidiness
and joy at home.

- Clear? Are you happy?
- Yes.

Say: "I'm happy".

- Yes.
- Say it clearly: "I'm happy",

otherwise I'll get mad,
you know me.

I'm happy, Aristide.

There you go!

Good for you, creep!

Well, so happy birthday.

Come on!

Ah, look.

Go easy on her,
she is still a virgin.

I figured...

I imagined, miss.

- What?
- Fake!

All fake!

Dealer stuff, it will be worth...

... 40 or 50 thousand lire.

Son of a bitch...

He also changed the jewels.

Did you see, mom?

I took care of them all!

I took care of Victor



I really took care of Claudia!

Who knows what her reaction was!

... with all those fake jewels!

Did she want to change her romance?

With 50 thousand lire, I went to
the junk dealer and changed the jewels!

That's right!

All this mess with a bag of jewelery!

As if it were Dongo's gold.

Look mom, some people...

Crazy stuff!

I'm too smart!

Because...in a relationship...

... maybe...

... I'm weak.

But business is business.

Do not worry, bye.

Take care.

What's this noise?

A feeble moan?

Ursula Andress?

Ursula Andress...

Come on, no!

I'm too smart!