Due bianchi nell'Africa nera (1970) - full transcript

Here's your nice portion
of T-bone steak.

You are on a diet.

Hi.

Where is Zazà? My gosh!

Cocò, where's your beautiful wife?
My gosh!

Did you separate the jaguar couple?

Me? Of course not.
It must have been Filiberto.

Did you separate the jaguars?

- What is he saying?
- He did it.

Zazà asked for a legal separation
for mental cruelty.

- Cocò is in love with the lioness.
- What nonsense!



Can't you see that Filiberto
is about to write to the lawyer?

- Cocò hired him as his lawyer.
- He doesn't have a degree.

He has another 3 years.

I supply all the zoos
and the circuses of the world.

I have special prices for you.

Having me pay 900,000 Liras
for a giraffe is a special price?

It has a very long neck. If you paid
in length, it would cost you more.

No, we've been friends for years.
You know me, and you know it.

- I can't pay that much.
- Everything has increased.

Transportation, gas, cages...
My daughter grew up too.

She costs more.
Her clothes, and all the rest.

Your daughter...
I agree on everything,

but I won't pay one million
and a half for a crocodile.

But crocodiles and snakes
are always convenient



because when they die you
can make purses, shoes, wallets...

Jungle, I cleaned your tusk.

You'll wear it on Sunday
at the gala performance.

You'd like to wear it now?
It's not possible.

Today is a week day.
Good morning, Miss Frida.

Hi, Franco, how's Jungle?

Very well. I cleaned her tusk
for Sunday.

Remember when we brought her
two years ago?

Yes, with those blue eyes,
that pretty nose...

- Jungle with a pretty nose?
- No, I'm talking about you!

It was the first time I saw you.

Dear Jungle, I know you haven't
forgotten me, and I don't either.

- I love animals so much.
- Thank you.

Good morning, miss.
Today you're lovelier than usual.

- Thank you, Ciccio.
- Your father wants to talk to you.

- Where is he?
- At the cafe with Mr. Santiago.

May I? A floral homage.

Miss, if I may,
I'll give you a floral homage.

- Roses cultivated with my tears.
- How beautiful. Thanks, Franco.

You're always so kind.
See you later.

She passed right through me!

Stop making me look bad,
or you know what I'll do?

In love everything is allowed. See?
Jungle liked your lettuce.

- Go to hell, you and Jungle!
- But she's in love with you!

She looks at you so lovingly.
Cicciuzzo!

It's not fair to leave her like this.

Don't worry. He'll decide,
and you'll get married.

And I'll be your best man.
He'll marry her.

Let's go! Miss Frida fell!

- I didn't understand.
- Look at what is happening!

- Look.
- Miss Frida!

- Slowly.
- What happened?

- She fell.
- Mr. Krauser!

- Your daughter Frida! Run!
- Where is she?

Frida! My lily flower!

- She hurt her eyelash.
- What are you saying?

Who left the jaguar cage opened?

Not me.
Poor thing. I'll massage her.

- Stop. I'll do it.
- Stop, you two! Imbeciles!

- Is there a doctor here?
- No need. Filiberto is here.

Good boy! Come immediately
with the medicine kit.

- The lady fell.
- The injury must be healed.

He'll take care of it.

- It hurts.
- Doctor.

A monkey should medicate
my daughter?

- Filiberto can do anything.
- He was Barnard's first assistant.

He didn't get a degree
because of racism. He is furry.

- I feel terrible.
- What did he say?

Only he understands him.

He said we must do an immediate
coramine injection.

- I'll do it.
- I'll do it. What are you saying?

Excuse me. He said he'll do it
because it's intravenous.

Dad, I'm scared.

Calm down. Don't worry.
Filiberto is a great scientist.

They call him the Leonardo da Vinci
of injections.

Amazing. Extraordinary.

- Be careful.
- I never saw anything like this.

A moment of attention, please.
Silence!

Concentration. The State nurses
don't know how to do it.

She's no longer critical.
She's recovered. Let's go, Filiberto.

Thanks.

- Your face has regained its color.
- I feel very well now.

- Off to work.
- Santiago, I have a great idea.

Lend me this wonderful
chimpanzee.

With his help, it will be easier
to catch wild animals.

I agree with you, but I can't
deprive myself of Filiberto.

He's the greatest number
of the show. He's precious for me.

But if you gave me
a good price reduction.

I'd give you a panther,
a hippopotamus and two zebras.

- And a lion!
- Impossible. If you want a lion,

- no zebras and no hippos.
- Then you don't get Filiberto.

Damnation!

You always want to make a deal,
and I always get gypped.

- Well?
- Try to reach an agreement.

- I'll wait for you at the cafe.
- Ok. You want a lion,

and I want Filiberto.

- Whiskey with soda and lots of ice.
- Alright.

You're the daughter
of a great hunter.

Why were you so afraid
of that jaguar?

Since I'm the daughter of
a hunter, I know wild animals.

A jaguar is more dangerous
than a tiger.

It's strange that he obeyed
that chimpanzee immediately.

- Yes. Filiberto is wonderful.
- Yes.

He's a tamer, he's a doctor,
he types.

And he's also a painter.
He made that.

Franco, we know
that he's phenomenal.

But Mr. Krauser wants
Filiberto to go to Africa with him.

Who will tell him?
He is too fond of me.

Right. And there is
the language problem.

- Only Franco can talk to him.
- Yes.

That's not an obstacle.
Franco will come with us.

- I need help.
- You could go in Africa too.

- Will your daughter come?
- Yes. Frida always comes with me.

- Let's buy the tickets.
- I'll buy the tickets.

Pack your suitcases.
We'll leave immediately.

Advise Filiberto. Let's go.

Filiberto, come out!

Pack your suitcases,
we're going to Africa.

Lovely Friduccia, dearest Friduccia,

we're going to Africa
to make love in the Sahara.

In the Sahara, in the Sahara,

is where we'll start kissing.

- You're leaving, right?
- Sure.

- Prisoners can't leave.
- Who is a prisoner?

You! I'll send you to jail
because you didn't pay this!

It's the promissory note for
14 million that you owe me

which I magnanimously didn't bank.

But since it had no date on it,
I can cash it in whenever I want.

You are a scoundrel,
You didn't lend me that money!

You won it gambling,
because you're a cheater!

- No. I come from a noble family.
- No, you do not!

You know what I'm referring to.
You're a big cheater!

- So what?
- What do you want from me?

- Speak up!
- It's very simple.

You must just tell Mr. Krauser
that you and Filiberto can't leave

- unless I come too.
- Never! I'm not a scoundrel!

I will never say
anything like that to him!

I prefer gambling another
14 million with you,

or 28 million, or nothing!,
Come in. I'll challenge you!

- I'll prepare the cards!
- Yes. Prepare the cards!

- Where are you? Filiberto, wait!
- The cards are ready!

Here I am!

- We're almost there.
- I can't stand it anymore.

I'm collapsing
under my load and yours.

Don't complain.
You lost, and you owe me 28 million.

You should thank me
for paying you as personal carrier,

- deducting it from the debt.
- Can't you carry something?

Just a moment. This is
a good place for a camp site.

Caravan, halt!

Unload the carrier,
collect the material, light the fire,

cook the food! Quick!
We'll stay here tonight!

Don't sleep!

I saw many monkeys. Filiberto
should have us catch them now.

- We must call Franco.
- It doesn't matter.

- Who talked to the monkeys?
- Me. Filiberto obeys me too.

It's fine with me. As long as
I capture the monkeys. Go.

Alright.

Filiberto, now you'll do all that
Uncle Ciccio tells you.

See those monkeys? I order you
to have them get in that cage. Go!

Where are you going? Stop!

Good boy, Filiberto.

Get my hat. Turn on the light.

What a bad impression!

- Miss Frida, we'll take care of it.
- Very good, Franco.

Goodbye. Let's go, Filiberto.

Give me your hand. Let's go.

You prepare the cages

and put the ammunition in the shade
without causing confusion.

Quick! Move!

See those monkeys there?
Tell them to go inside the cage.

Tell the monkeys we'll give them
something if they do it.

We'll make a good impression. Go!

Beautiful, beautiful!

Great, Franco. You caught
a beautiful monkey specimen.

It's very difficult to catch them.

I thank you, but Filiberto
gets credit for it too.

- Filiberto, come.
- Let's go.

Franco, I want to thank you
for two things.

One, you had me save
time and money,

and two, for your
animal intelligence.

Thanks. Very kind of you.

I did it for your daughter Frida.

Franco, how do you talk
to the chimpanzee?

Very simple. Filiberto!

- What did you tell him?
- That we're speaking highly of him.

But you only talk to chimpanzees?

No, I also talk to horses.

Very good.
I want to tell you something.

- I prepared a paper for you.
- Why?

- To get an elephant.
- You must wrap it up?

I'd like your opinion
on this trap project I made.

A wonderful project,
but I don't understand it.

Let's show Filiberto.
Filiberto, look.

Tell me, tell me.

- What did he say?
- It's a mess. He doesn't understand.

Miss Frida,
I see you are also a housewife.

Lucky is the man who marries you.

The man I will marry
must be exceptional.

- That's me.
- He must be very tall.

- That's me.
- With curly hair.

- That's me!
- With arm muscles this big.

That's not me.

Maybe the man I want doesn't exist,
or who knows where he is!

That man is in front of your eyes,
and you don't notice him.

Frida, we are like Romeo and Juliet.
You, at the window,

and I'm under the Verona balcony.

Romeo must help Juliet.

- What should I do?
- Juliet washed the laundry.

And the laundry must dry.
So you must do Juliet a favor.

- Yes?
- I must hang my laundry out.

- Please, get that rope.
- Immediately, my darling.

Great. You caught a very rare
and poisonous snake.

Thanks, my friend.

With this snake
you were very brave.

A great snake, a great value!

Leave that monkey alone.
That's not an ice-cream cone.

Filiberto! Come here!
Don't leave my face unshaven.

It's the second time
I see you flirting

with that bad monkey.
Do a good job!

Couldn't you choose a more
serious one? From a good family?

And not a monkey who flirts
with the first male monkey she sees?

And then starts talking about
marriage. Don't be ridiculous.

You just saw her once.

Get the razer and don't mumble!

Don't mumble!

I don't understand you anymore.
You've lost your mind!

Yeah, mumble, mumble!

You think I'm jealous?

You must marry a monkey
on your same social level.

Here.

There's a hair here.
Carefully.

What're you doing now?
You're losing your mind again?

You must not think of her.
You must think of me!

What are you doing now?
Throwing everything in the water?

You scoundrel!
You must finish shaving me first!

Scoundrel.
I don't understand you anymore.

How can a monkey lose
his mind for that chimp?

You studied so much.
You were about to become a doctor.

I don't recognize you anymore.
What the...

How will I rinse my face now?

Where are the monkeys?
They ran away!

The chimpanzees ran away!

- Franco! Ciccio! Quick!
- What happened, Dad?

Filiberto ran away!
Franco, the chimpanzee ran away!

If you don't find him, I'll bury you
up to your neck and make you die

- in elephant shit.
- No. Let's not kid around.

Quick, carriers, look for him
on the trees, under the bushes!

Stop everyone! He left a letter.

What does it say?

"Dear Franco, don't think
that I don't care about you."

"But since I stepped
on African land,

I felt that something
has changed inside of me."

"And when I met that monkey,

my attraction for her was
stronger than our friendship."

"Please understand. With you
certain things can't happen."

- What's that mean?
- Kisses.

Look for the chimpanzee.
You must find Filiberto.

- I'm going.
- Don't waste time!

Calm down!

I lost a friend!
Of course I want to find him!

My Filibertuccio, where are you?

Don't abandon us in black Africa.
Filiberto!

I won't do anything to you.
Where are you? Where could he be?

- I don't know.
- Maybe in Africa.

Excuse me.
I didn't want to bother you.

Excuse me, mister baboon.
Did you see a chimpanzee who looked

like a monkey pass by?

Bless you!

I've the impression we keep
returning to the same spot.

Orientation is difficult. I'm afraid
the forest will be our tomb.

It'll swallow us up
with its deathly jaws!

- You're a jinx!
- Yes, yes.

I'm dead tired. I will rest a bit.

I'll lean against the tree.

I'm tired.
Ciccio! The tree is moving!

Can't you see it's an elephant?

- I can't see anything. I'm starving!
- It's not true!

- It's not true?
- Hunger is an impression.

- Don't be ridiculous!
- Just repeat to yourself,

- "I'm not hungry".
- And the hunger goes away?

- Yes.
- I'm not hungry.

- Right.
- Give me a plate of spaghetti.

- No! I'm not hungry...
- I'm not hungry.

I'm not hungry.

- Dad, wait at least an hour.
- Impossible!

In one hour it'll be dark and
we must get to the Camba station

- to leave for Ngorongoro.
- And those two poor guys?

They are two idiots!

Without Filiberto,
I don't care about them.

Carriers, load all the material.

Forward, caravan! Forward, march!

Caravan! Forward, march!

My leg...

I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

- How are you?
- I'm hungry.

- It's an obsession!
- An obsession?

I can't stand it anymore.
I'm hungry. I'm sitting down.

- Stop there!
- What is it?

An egg.

- What are you doing?
- I'm laying an egg.

It's there!

How did I do that?

- Let's make a big omelet.
- We need a big pan.

- Yes.
- Give it to me.

- I'll eat it now. I'm hungry!
- What? There's the shell.

When someone is hungry,
even the shell is great!

- Leave it.
- Give it to me! I laid it!

- The surprise!
- No. It's an ostrich.

- Get it. We'll roast it.
- Yes. I'll catch it.

Let me catch you.
Don't be an ostrich.

No. No among the leaves!
It ran away.

- It's not a hen. It's an ostrich.
- Oh, right.

Little ostrich, where are you?

I won't do anything to you. Come.

- Look, a car!
- Let's hitch-hike.

- Stop!
- Stop!

Stop!

- Sir.
- Friends, what's wrong?

We'll be in trouble if nobody gets
us out of this darn jungle!

We are hungry, on foot
and without the ostrich.

- Give us a lift.
- Nothing to worry about.

- Miguel Berrendero is here.
- And who is he?

Me! Miguel!
In Africa everybody knows me.

They call me the Saint Bernard
of the jungle.

Mr. Saint Joseph,
can you give us a lift?

You're funny. But I must go
to Khartoum for a certain something.

I saw a "cartoon" yesterday
but don't remember the name.

Will you give us a lift?

Make room for me.

I don't think it's convenient
to go back to Nairobi.

To go to Ngorongoro, it's better
to take a plane in Douala.

- But we've no money.
- You don't have money?

- You don't have a credit card?
- I have a debit card with him.

You are very lucky.

In Douala I have a friend
who runs an air travel agency.

He'll give you two tickets
to get to Ngorongoro.

- But we have no money.
- Don't worry.

I will guarantee for you.
You'll pay my back, with no deadline.

Then, after we're dead!

How funny!

No more than 1,000 Dollars!

They are two very strong men.

Take the money, have
them enlist and get lost!

These are the questions.
You must sign at the bottom.

- We don't know what we're signing.
- Is it written in French?

- No. In the local language.
- What do we do now?

Go there and a person in charge
will take you to the airport.

Thanks. Can I give you a kiss?

Thank you.

- The pen.
- Thanks.

- A good man.
- Very nice.

A person who I will never forget.

Quick! Join the others!

- Quick!
- Calm down! What manners!

- It means the plane is leaving now.
- Why did they have us change?

If they have us travel free,
we must give them some satisfaction.

- And what are these?
- Precautions against hijackers.

Present.

You're going to the airport too?

He said Shnellinger. The player
who scored against Italy in Mexico.

Excuse me.

- His grandma's going to the country.
- Where's the airport?

- How do these people speak?
- Excuse me. Some information.

- Everybody is running here!
- Is this the road to the airport?

- I'll ask charcoal face here.
- Or to a policeman.

Excuse me.

Where is the airport?

- He said "Shutup".
- Is it far?

Ask the Czechoslovakian.
He has an eagle. He's the pilot.

- May I?
- What do you want? We must leave!

- Away, quickly!
- Let' go or we'll miss the plane!

Excuse us.

- To your places!
- Thanks for the lift.

- Is the plane leaving from here?
- To the ground!

- First it lands and then takes off.
- Thanks.

Where are the flight attendants?
We don't see the plane!

- Take shelter!
- Why? Is it raining?

- We must take over that position.
- What?

- Take over that position.
- Is it in enemy hands?

No, our companions,
in the red blue formation.

- We belong to pinkblack.
- Oh. It's a soccer game.

Come on, Palermo!
We want you in A series!

Attack that position! Fire!

Take shelter!

Don't shoot firecrackers,
or they'll disqualify us!

Darn referee!

Ciccio! We can make spaghetti.
We have a colander!

A colan...

Ciccio! They really shoot here!
My God!

- They really shot me!
- I suspected it!

We fire real shots.
These drills are like war.

- War?
- Yes, sir.

Guys who fall and those
who get up? It's serious, then.

But we signed a boarding pass.

With that signature you're tied to
Von Tambler's mercenaries for 5 years

5 years? Are you kidding?

- We must silence those mortars.
- Holy jeepers!

- Who was it?
- Ciccio! A dead man!

- We are at war!
- I can't see anything! Help me!

- What should we do?
- Let's camouflage ourselves.

- Where?
- There, where the branches are.

Those branches...

We dodged it. A mortar blow
centered the place

- where we were!
- I'm ruined without glasses!

- Where are you? I can't see you.
- Here. On the left!

We must join the others.
You guide me.

Go ahead... Go ahead...

- No. There is...
- Am I going the right way?

That's it. Keep going...

Yes... Go on... Stop.

Where are you? I can't see you.

I can't see anything!

Comrades, I can't hear you anymore!
Answer!

Where are you?
I can't hear you. I can't see you!

That disgusting Berrendero
sold us like slaves.

He is a real son of a bitch.

We can stop now.
We covered a lot of kilometers.

- I know.
- Let's try to orient ourselves.

Let's see.

- Where's north?
- In Milan.

North.

West, east and so...

Don't move.
He could pounce on us.

I didn't understand.
Who will pounce on us?

- Stop. He could pounce on us.
- The south?

- Are you paralyzed?
- Look.

- A lion!
- Stop!

- Ciccio!
- Stop. My aim is infallible.

- I'll turn him into a colander.
- Kill him, Ciccio.

Kill him, Ciccio.

- You missed every time.
- Maybe they're loaded with blanks.

I don't think so, but it could be.

Let's see.

I don't think so.

Ciccio, I can't take it anymore.

I can't wait to say,
"Africa, goodbye".

I'm hungry. I'm thirsty.

- Let me sit down.
- It's destiny!

It's destiny that two poor souls
like us, lost in black Africa,

must die of hunger and thirst.

Bad luck persecutes us.
You're a jinx.

- Are you leaving?
- I'm not moving.

That's not a tree trunk,
It's a crocodile!

A "croco-trunk"?

- A crocodile! Holy Mary!
- Help!

Save me from its jaws!

Stop! Do you hear those roars?

There must be a family of lions.

- Luckily, I still have the gun.
- They'll eat us, Ciccio.

Stop! Don't shoot.
It's two nuns and a priest.

Brother, help us.

I'm Sister Maria, of the Pallottine
Sisters. They are the Brothers.

- Pallottine?
- Dominicans.

- No luck. It's Saturday. Let's go.
- Stop.

- How can we help you?
- We are lost in black Africa.

- The roads of Africa are infinite.
- We are always at the same point.

- We are hungry. We are thirsty.
- We're looking for food.

Pasta, bread,
some slices of meat...

- We're doing 40 days of fasting.
- Do you want to join us?

Thanks, we've fasted enough.

Isn't there a civilized place here?

- In 20 miles there's the bus.
- We're next to Sanremo.

No. We are at Saint Romulus of
the Lepers, with the grace of God.

Lepers?

- In the woods there's a road.
- Come. There's a road in the woods.

I think I know the name.
You want to know it too?

- Go with God. Brother...
- Sister.

Oh, it's you. Excuse me.
I'll go back to sleep.

Can you repeat that?

May I? Ciccio Rapisarda,
Afro, Sicilian forest affairs.

The bus. I'll do it.

- They are my suitcases.
- Excuse me. Please.

- Ciccio, the SS.
- Can't you see I'm with a lady?

- Here are the two deserters.
- Get them!

- Don't hurt us.
- Excuse me.

You are traitors!
Now kaput immediately!

- Ciccio, they will kill us.
- To the pole!

Not the pole!

Take us to the North Pole!

Let us talk with our lawyer first.

Mr. Von Tambler!

No lawyer.
The military code speaks clearly.

Skip the bus stop! Speed up!

The dead bodies?
Where are the dead bodies?

The deserters ran away!

Quick, look for them!

Calm down. A moment of patience.

- Excuse me, what happened?
- We're out of gas.

Calm down. A little more patience.
We'll check it now.

- What did we decide?
- We must fix the tank.

- Will it take a long time?
- 2 or 3 days.

We are in trouble.

Listen.

- The noise of a car.
- What should we do?

We'll hitch-hike.

Ciccio! The Germans! Oh, God!

Run! Let's hide!
If they catch us, they'll kill us!

I can't stand it. We are going
all around Africa.

The biggest problem is that
in the jungle you lose your direction.

The road should be that way.
Let's split up.

You go this way, I'll go this way.
And we'll meet here.

If you are in danger, yell "help"!

- Go.
- Help!

- Help!
- Cicciuzzo!

- Help!
- You've became so small.

How could you stoop so low?

Stop! It's quicksand!
Pull me up, quick!

- What should I do?
- Toss me something!

- What?
- Toss me a rope!

I'll catch the bus for Douala,
buy it and come back.

No! Imbecile!
In 5 minutes I won't be here anymore!

- Why? You've an appointment?
- No. I'll be dead!

What can I do, Ciccio?

- Toss me something you're wearing.
- The bandana?

- No, the belt of your pants.
- What if my pants fall?

- What do I care?
- Yes. I'll save you.

- Resist!
- Quick, or I'll go!

- Here, Cicciuzzo. Here.
- No! Not like this!

- Idiot, not like that!
- You told me to.

- By the head!
- The head! Explain that.

Quick!

- Take this!
- What? You understood everything.

Stop!
Don't move or you'll create waves.

Nice job. It's the end now.

Let's hope this mud
makes my rheumatisms go away.

- If it's not polluted.
- What should we do?

- Shout for help.
- You shout.

- No. You have a nice voice.
- Yes. It's true.

Help!

Help!

Help!

- Help!
- No! No! No!

- With more rhythm!
- 1, 2, 3, 4.

- Help! Help!
- No! Help!

Help! Yes, help!

- Help! Help!
- Save us!

- Help!
- And don't sing! Help!

- What is it?
- Oh! Nice bastard!

It's all your fault
if we are here!

- If that's your tone, I'm leaving.
- What? You'll leave us here?

- I'll kill him!
- Mr. Berrendero, save us!

- Must we treat him well?
- Sure.

- Excuse us, sir.
- Ok. I'll save you right now.

In fact, they call me
the jungle's lifeguard.

Don't worry. I'll go to the car
to get a piece of rope.

- I'll save you.
- Hurry up!

Where are you going? To Douala?
He's going to get the rope?

What can we do?
I'm going down. Bye, Ciccio.

A misunderstanding?
You are a wise guy.

We had agreed that
we wouldn't discuss it anymore.

- Let's not talk about it anymore.
- I wanted to make things clear.

What do you know about
a poor man

who has a wife
and 5 children to support.

I needed money
to feed my family.

I met two big idiots like you...

- Thanks. It's a natural talent.
- And I took advantage of it.

Then you saved us, so we're even.

- Friends, where do you want to go?
- To the Douala airport.

I'll take you right now.

Friends, here we are.

- Where's Douala?
- Far away.

- This is the airport.
- Those are the flight attendants?

- Yes, the flight attendants.
- Inside the basket?

- It's for the tourists.
- Yes. It's true.

For the tourists.

Wait for me here. I'll go talk
with the head of African Airlines

who is my friend to have you get
two free tickets for Douala.

I'll say you are
two Italian journalists.

Let your friend
Miguel Berrendero take care if it!

He tricked us,
but he's must support his family.

Poor thing. I'll never forget him.

These two whites are very tasty.

Rustic, first quality.

The last time you gave me a gyp.

You brought me an old man,
not good, too tough!

- I couldn't eat him.
- Because you roasted him.

The old explorer was good
to make a soup.

For these two whites,

I want those 4 pieces of glass
that you don't need.

Don't think I'm stupid.

They are diamonds,
but we don't need them.

I'll give you 4 diamonds.

They are not pieces of glass.

This is 1, this is 2,
this is 3 and this is 4.

If the two
white man are not good,

next time we'll roast you.

Don't worry. You'll lick your lips.
You've Miguel Berrendero's word.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

You are lucky. In one hour there's
a plane that leaves for Douala.

- Who are the gentlemen?
- The pilots of the plane.

- And the color of their faces?
- It's for the tourists.

Goodbye, friends,
and no need to thank me.

- Goodbye!
- Always so nice.

Sorry if we're so dirty,
but we need a nice, warm bath.

And then they say that blacks
are uncivilized.

As soon as I expressed the desire
to take a bath, we're in water.

Alitalia dreams of these services.

You know what?
I'll may postpone departure.

- I will too.
- Control tower!

As soon as the plane arrives,
I'll send it back!

Black face, pretty African,

we'll take you to Sicilian land.

When we'll all be down there,

we'll eat bananas at Cefalù.

Ciccio, she's tickling me! No! No!

Ciccio, bath, ointment and
massage. What a civilization!

As my grandpa said,
not all that's bad is harmful.

See these two white man?
They are very dirty.

They need a nice wash,
especially the feet,

and then a massage
to make the meat tender.

The thin one on the grill

and the bigger one is very good
for soup. Prepare the ceremony.

Alright.

Your grandpa was right.
The cook is already here.

Good morning, Mr. Barrel.
You're really nice.

It's a shame
you don't speak Sicilian.

- Ciccio, what do you want to eat?
- Everything, except fish.

A sole for Ciccio.

For me, a grilled filet
with boiled potatoes.

Ciccio, I made out the order
to the cook.

Thanks, chief. And don't forget
Corvo di Salaparuta wine.

He's so pleasant!

- They're putting talcum powder on.
- What?

It's talcum powder.

Some talcum powder for me too.

Talcum powder for me too!

On the nipple.

They are making me go crazy.

They are making me go crazy, Ciccio!

Mr. Barrel, this captivating
dance is wonderful.

How marvelous!
What local color, traditions!

When you come to Sicily,
I'll pay you back.

This one is a bit weaker.
This one.

Mr. Barrel is really likeable.

He looks like a chocolate bar.

She said yes.

Ciccio! You didn't understand
a thing about your grandfather.

He meant that all bad things
end up being cooked.

Mr. Barrel. That cursed
Berrendero betrayed us again!

- Mr. Barrel, I must...
- No, no, no.

If the soup is bad,
will you complain?

Ciccio, we are in
hot water this time.

I'm being fried.
You will be boiled!

Right. I will be boiled.

Mister cannibal, send us home.

We are not tasty.

Let me go! Why bother with me?
I'm all smoke and no roast!

Stop! Arsonists!
I'll report you to the police!

Goodbye, Ciccio. It's the end!

My Filibertuzzo!
It's me, your Francuzzo!

Tarzan!

The king of the jungle! Tarzan!

Do you realize that?

Good thing you came
at the right moment.

Otherwise I would've been boiled.

And Ciccio roasted on the grill.

Don't remind me. I won't eat
roast for the rest of my life.

- Let's go back to the camp.
- One thing I didn't understand.

When you came, why did
all the cannibals bow?

- Because I'm the jungle king.
- Ciccio, you see?

You must excuse him.
They were Monarchy cannibals.

How did you know
we were being cooked?

Your monkey told me
that you were in danger.

- Filiberto always followed us.
- Obviously.

Thanks, Filiberto. We thank you
for lending us clothing,

but isn't there something to eat?

- Yes, coconut.
- He called me coconut.

Don Tarzan is very nice.

Thanks.

Not like that.

- Not like that.
- It's not ripe.

Not like that.

Not like that!

- Do you mind breaking mine too?
- Yes, sure.

After such a good meal,
we must get some air.

We must thank Filiberto
if we are still alive.

Thanks, Filiberto.
Excuse me.

Let's go.

When will Don Tarzan
put an elevator?

Doesn't he know he lives
on the 33rd branch?

Dad, I made your tea.

Come on, Dad. Drink your tea
and calm down.

This is poison for me.

The greatest white hunter
didn't even catch a blind cat.

This tea is awful.
It tastes like tobacco!

This is the last time
I'm coming to Africa.

I would stay here my whole life.

Tarzan! The king of the jungle!

Where are you going? Come back!
Don't be afraid Tarzan!

Why are they running away?
It's them!

Don Tarzan, this is it.
Park here.

These two miserable idiots!
They'll hear me now!

Where have you been?
You want my expedition to fail?

Why are you doing dressed
like this?

Fortunately Don Tarzan
lent us some clothes.

In looking for Filiberto,
we got lost in the forest.

We brought him.
He has a beautiful wife

who is pregnant. No need
to worry about family checks.

He doesn't want them.
You can leave, Filiberto.

No, don't get upset.

- I'm Tarzan.
- Tall, muscular,

- with curly hair. I'm Frida.
- You're very beautiful.

- We came with an elephant.
- Franco and Ciccio, good job.

You caught a magnificent
elephant specimen.

- Put it in the cage.
- No.

- You didn't understand.
- What should I understand?

I know animals.
It must be put in a cage.

Don't cause confusion.
We don't want that.

There has been
a misunderstanding.

You made a mistake.

I'm putting it in a cage.

No. Mr. Tarzan could get offended.

With time, we can obtain
a dozen hippos,

a dozen crocodiles,
a dozen chimpanzees...

12 of everything.
Sheets, towels...

That's a good one!

Do you want to dance with me?

A waltz laugh!

- What are you doing?
- I like tango.

Argentine laugh.

You called this a kiss.
Nobody ever kissed me.

In order to kiss,
you must be in love

and I'm very much in love
with you, Tarzan.

- I always dreamed of you.
- What do you mean by love?

When you have the pleasure
of kissing someone.

I am very much in love, then. Again.

- What does Tarzan mean?
- King of the jungle.

If you want,
you can be the queen.

Filiberto, what's wrong?

Mr. Krauser,
I must give you bad news.

- What?
- Your daughter Frida ran away.

- Don't say that.
- Yes, she ran away.

Frida! What did you do?

- She ran away.
- Come back, my little one.

- Come back to your dad.
- How did she do it?

Where did Filiberto go?
He ran away!

It was the call of the forest.

We must get Frida and Filiberto.
We must pack up the camp

- and call the carriers!
- They left too.

They saw Tarzan, and ran away.

They ran away because
of the cave man Tarzan.

How can we pack
the camp up in the jungle?

- What can do?
- What can we do?

Alone, lost in black Africa,
without help.

If you carry my part
of the material,

I'll cancel the 28 million
and rip up the promissory notes.

If you carry my part, I'll sign
a promissory note for 56 million.

Mr. Krauser,
couldn't we stop a bit?

- Let's stop, Mr. Krauser.
- Alright.

Caravan, halt!

- Put the cage down.
- Help me.

Careful!

- Water!
- Water!

What are you doing?
Don't drink! Stop!

Stop! It's not drinkable!
You'll get diarrhea!

- What did you say?
- You'll have the runs.

Let's not waste time.
It'll be nightfall in a while.

Let's camp out here.
Gather the carriers.

Get the tent.
Go get the material.

Prepare food. Get the cans.
Light the fire.

Plant the poles in the ground.

Hurry. Don't be lazy.
Lay out the beds in the tents.

- Boil water.
- Mr. Krauser!

One at a time, please.

One at a time, please!

- One at a time...
- You've any orders to give?

We were assaulted
by terrible termites.

Get the torches and burn everything.
Ants destroy anything.

Their hole is here, Let's burn
the ants and the camp.

We're unlucky. We camped out
in the middle of the termites.

It's true. It looks like
the Termites Station.

The more ants we burn,
the more ants arrive.

We must defeat
the enemy ants with a flame.

The flame isn't enough.
We'd need an ant-eater attack.

- You burned my ass!
- It was covered with ants!

- What can I do now?
- You must put it in water.

- Let's put it in water.
- Quick, it's burning!

- Soak him.
- It burns so much! Quick!

Quick!

- What a relief!
- A relief.

All my camp is burned.
What will I do?

- Quick. Do something.
- Yes, immediately.

Ciccio, we must blow on it.

Blow harder!

Where will we find Tarzan?
Do you know his address?

No. Not even his phone number.

How can we find a person
by blindly going around Africa?

It's true. We'd better go
to the nearest city.

The material is destroyed
and my shipment is up shit creek.

Mr. Krauser, you say "poop".

Look. A sign!

What's written on it?

It must be written
in cannibal language.

- Quick. Let's go to Mombasa.
- It's 243 miles away.

60 miles a day.
We'll arrive in four days.

What are you saying?
You think we're helicopters?

Walk! Walk!

- A car!
- Let's hitch-hike.

You go there. I go here.

- Stop!
- Stop!

Wow! Look who is here!

Mr. Krauser, do you want to capture
a hyena? Here it is.

You two know each other?

With the excuse of taking us
to the airport,

he sold us to mercenary soldiers
and then to cannibals.

- Will you help us hang this person?
- Alright.

- No. Let's burn him.
- No, calm down friends.

It was a misunderstanding.

As you know. I'm a widower
and have

7 children to feed.

- Weren't they 5?
- He had 2 because he's a widower.

I needed money.
I saw two faces...

Two idiot faces and you sold us
to all of Africa. Let's burn him.

- No, I'll take you where you want.
- Mombasa.

Mr. Krauser,
he'll sell us to the Mau-Maus.

No. I'll take you to Mombasa.

You've Miguel Berrendero's word.

- We don't need your word.
- Why?

- Because the car is leaking oil.
- It's not possible.

- It's leaking oil.
- I'll go check.

Go check.

Go check.
Under the car.

Is it leaking a lot?

One moment, friends. I'm looking.

- Let's go!
- But what...

Friends!

Darn! It's the first time that
a foreigner tricks Berrendero!

Bandits! Stop! My car!

- This time we tricked him.
- Quick. Don't stop.

- Straight to Mombasa.
- We must gas first.

We'll find a gas station. Berrendero
wouldn't have driven without gas.

- Let's hope they're not on strike.
- There's always someone.

I'll turn right.

Help!

Help!

Hel...

You are the great chief.

I'm your friend. Will you save me?

Yes! I can save you
because I need you for dinner.

You are good Spanish meat!

My meat is terrible.

Uric acids, arthritis...

Berrendero is not good.

Berrendero is not good! No!

- Yes. Berrendero is good.
- No!

Yes! Good!

Gas station attendant.
Gas station attendant!

You were right. It's on strike.
The military are doing it.

- Fill it up. Super.
- Get out.

- Why?
- The tank is under the seat.

Yes! I had forgotten it.
The car is new...

- Ciccio, he didn't recognize us.
- I saw it. Be nonchalant.

- How much?
- One million dollars.

- Has the price gone up?
- Yes.

- Give him one million dollars.
- With that money,

- I'll buy all of Africa.
- He'll buy all of Africa.

- And I'll take the car.
- But it's not possible.

- It's not possible.
- No? Comrades!

- Comrades!
- You can't do it. It's mine!

- The 2 deserters! Let's kill them!
- No!

- They're shooting at us!
- Will they shoot us?

- Aim at the chest.
- He's crazy!

Please. Aim the chest.
Who dies for the homeland...

- No!
- Silence, you three!

- No!
- Halt!

- Seth!
- Otto!

- 5, 4, 3...
- Be quiet. They are friends!

- We are safe!
- What a great pleasure.

He's an old friend.
We were comrades.

We fought in 100 battles
under the same flag.

- We are brothers!
- Flag brothers.

Where's Frida,
my little god-daughter?

I held her many times in my arms
and she peed on me.

- What nostalgia!
- Tarzan kidnapped her.

Please help me find her
in the name of our old friendship.

We'll find that white savage.
We'll kill him and save Frida.

- Shoot these two and leave!
- Shoot these two and leave!

- You two!
- Us? It's a fixation!

You tell him
that we work for you.

Tell him to close an eye.

Seth, my brother, in the name
of our old friendship,

I beg you to save the life
of these two poor souls.

- Yes.
- Otto, you can ask me anything.

You saved my life in battle.

- If you ask, I'll give you my blood.
- This is friendship.

If you ask for my only eye,
I'll say yes.

If you ask for my house,
I'll say yes.

If you ask for my money,
I'll say yes.

- If you want my wife, I'll say yes.
- That's cheating!

If you ask me to leave
these two, alive, I say no!

- No? Why?
- Because you're deserters.

- But, Mr. Krauser...
- That is the law.

Remember. What matters,
is not dying, but health.

- John! Call the platoon!
- I want a trial!

Couldn't we postpone?
I'm not ready.

- Ready for the shooting?
- I'd like to confess myself.

Platoon! Charge!

It's Tarzan!

Capture him alive!

Tarzan is hitting your men.

Let's run away!

Over here.

Come on, Filiberto! Come on!

Come on, Tarzan!

Look at what he's doing
to those soldiers.

- Seth, shoot. Kill Tarzan!
- I'll do it.

Tarzan, watch out!

Commander Von Tambler!

- Who was is?
- It was us!

My compliments!

- You can't always win.
- But we always lose!

Retreat!

- Retreat!
- We won!

- Way to go, Tarzan.
- Yes. We won.

Where is my daughter, Frida?

Here I am!

My Frida! Where were you
all this time?

In the jungle.
I love Tarzan. I want to marry him.

- What?
- Sure.

I won't give you my permission
to marry this savage!

There are no savages in love.

- I won't give my consent.
- You don't want me to marry Frida?

I didn't say that. With good manners
one can obtain everything.

You'll see that you won't regret it.
You'll have many little Tarzans

- that will jump on your lap.
- Alright.

My daughter can't live on trees.

You'll come with us to Europe
where my daughter can have

- everything that civilization offers.
- What is civilization?

Civilization is...
What is civilization?

- What is civilization?
- I've always heard about it.

- Sometimes I have, too.
- Let's forget it

I mean commodities.

- I won't be king of the jungle?
- No, but of a circus.

That's right!

You'll do the trapeze number
and earn a lot of money.

- What is money?
- That is my business.

- And no money for me?
- Trust him!

- You want this?
- Yes, I want this.

Everyone will come to see
the great Tarzan.

Enjoy yourselves.

Quick. We must leave for Mombasa
and take the steamboat.

Quick. Let's go. Look for Filiberto.

- I'll go get Filiberto.
- Don't waste time.

- Let's leave!
- All aboard the coach!

All aboard the coach!!

If I'd only had muscles!

What is it? What?
You're not coming?

I'm sorry to disturb you,
but we must leave.

We're leaving!

Quick! Franco, hurry up.
The steamboat must leave!

Why don't you want to come?

Oh. I see.
You have two pregnant wives.

I see!

What are you saying?
That you want to stay?

Alright. Stay!
Don't do this. I'll go away.

Ok. If it's a boy,
you'll call him Ciccio.

But I can't come to the Baptism.

You know what?
Goodbye. I'm going. Bye.

Bye!

Give me a kiss. Here.

- Franco, be quick!
- Bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Filiberto is not coming this time.

He says we already tricked him
the first time with civilization.

Direction Mombasa.
Caravan, forward, march!

Careful! You're always
taking it out on me!

No wild animals

but I'll take Tarzan
to the circus and make money.

- You're still looking at Filiberto?
- We were like brothers.

There he is waving the handkerchief!

Yes! He's saying goodbye!

Filiberto! My Filibertuccio!

Look at him!

Do you see him?
With my handkerchief!

- He's suffering like you.
- Don't tell me.

My dear, civilization took us back
with its iron claws.

Yes, Ciccio.

We are leaving the African jungle
for the asphalt jungle.

- Yes!
- We must work the whole day

- to make ends meet.
- Yes, Ciccio.

- And you must return 28 million.
- No, I won't.

- Yes.
- I won't give it to you!

Look at what civilization
did to our Tarzan.

What's wrong, Tarzan?
Why are you so irritated?

Tarzan was always naked.
He can't live with this on.

Poor Tarzan.
He looks like a stuffed turkey.

Please. Calm down. Come.

Poor thing. He doesn't know
what awaits him.

He was used to the jungle,
to soaring in the air...

And he went from one liana
to another.

In the city,
he'll walk on top of cars

crying out "aaahhh!"
and people will answer "Hey!"

- You understand me.
- He's used to breathing pure air,

- and will breathe car gas.
- He'll end up like us.

He'll earn a lot of money,
but he'll pay lots of taxes.

Yes, and when we arrive,
they'll get him

and have him do 18 months
of military service.

They'll give him a musket
and say:

"About face! Chest out!
Forward, march! Run!"

"One, two! About face!
Forward, march!"

"Halt! At ease!
Left hip, left!"

- All that.
- Franco.

- Is what you say, true?
- Unfortunately, it is.

And we have an example here.

Look at him. He was taller than you,
stronger than you, more handsome.

Look at what civilization
did to him.

- Don't remind me of my build.
- Sorry, Ciccio. I had to say it.

- Tarzan will go back in the jungle!
- Wait. What are you doing?

- If you love me, come to the jungle!
- Ciccio!

- Tarzan is leaving. We'll go too.
- You think so?

- Yes.
- Let's go!

Let's go!

Ciccio, quick!
Ciccio, don't show yourself!

Be careful.
The fish will be scared.

Tarzan!

- Frida, are you Tarzan's companion?
- Yes.

Tarzan, we're coming!

Frida, my little one! Come back up!
Where are you going naked?

Ciccio, I can't swim!

That stupid Franco can't swim!

How can you do it?
Get the life saver!

Not all doughnuts
come out with a hole!

- There is in this one!
- Did you see my daughter, Frida?

- She preferred black Africa.
- And you?

Me, white Europe.

Filiberto! Filiberto!

My favorite monkey.

Filiberto! Filiberto!

I want to come to Africa with you.

Filiberto,
don't you be tricked too

by a world they call civilized.

If you are lucky here,

every one applauds you.

But if things don't go well,
they do this...

I'll stay here with you.

Those people, I swear,
are more beastly than you.

Filiberto! Filiberto!

If you don't listen to me,
I’ll go crazy.

Filiberto! Filiberto!

I know that world more than you do.

Filiberto, you know that
to better understand you,

I learned the language you speak.

I didn't teach you mine

because it's too beastly.

Civilized people use it to do this...

I'll stay here with you.

Those people, I swear,
are more beastly than you.