Dudley Do-Right (1999) - full transcript

Once upon a time,
in the little village of Pudding-on-the-Ritz,

there lived a wolf named Phox.

That's "Phox" with a P-H.
P-H-O-X, Phox. My card.

There was no one so clever
driving a bargain.

Now, this horse is exactly
what you need, Grandpa.

Got a three-speed bridle,
matching horseshoes, wide sidewalls--

It's a steal at 40 pazoozas.

Can I look at its teeth?
Teeth? Teeth?

You buyin' a horse or a beauty queen?
Come on, now!

Well, all right.
Here's your money.

And here's your horse.



Well, come on, horsey.

Hey!
I wanted a live horse!

It w alive,
but I didn't say when.

Nobody liked the Phox with a P-H,
but nobody could ever get the better of him.

One day,
the sly Phox was tripping through the woods...

Oh, hardy-har-har.

When he chanced upon a mysterious box sitting in an open glade.

On its top was written
this strange legend:

"To take my treasure you may try,

but he who opens me
shall die!"

A treasure chest!
Oh, gadzooks, I'm in luck!

Ooh, but whoever opens it
shall die,

ergo, I gotta get some dummy
to open it for me.

Oh, but who would be
that much of a nitwit?



Ow.

Ow.

Desmond Dullwit wasn't exactly the village idiot--

Ow.
But I came in second.

Desmond, old buddy!
Ow.

I need somebody
to, uh, open a box for me.

Oh, no, you don't.
Whoever opens that box is gonna die!

How'd you know that? Oh, I was, like,
listening to the first part of the story.

You know,
so I ain't gonna open it. Oh.

Oh, but you must, Desmond.
That box holds a beautiful princess...

who was, uh, put under a spell
by a wicked witch, remember?

Well, listen.
Little did Desmond know...

that the wily Phox was
an accomplished ventriloquist.

Ooh, help!
Help me, Desmond!

Criminitlies!
There is somebody in there!

Hey, how does she know
my name?

Why, she's been secretly
in love with you for years!

Oh, joy bells!
Hang on, honey!

Lover pumpkin is here!

Sainted Aunt Hannah!
Oh, look at that!

Gold, jewelry,
Queen Victoria's spittoon!

I'm rich! Rich!

Uh, I don't see no princess, Mr.
Phox. Of course not, you stupid lox.

It was a joke, get it?
Ha-ha-ha-ha?

Huh? Hmm?
Gee.

Well, here.
You go get yourself a big croker sack,

and we'll divide all the treasure-- half and half,

even-steven, 80-20.

Yeah, all right.

But I'd rather have a princess.
No sooner had Desmond gone...

than the wily Phox pulled out
a croker sack of his own...

and began filling it
with the priceless treasure.

Meanwhile, Desmond wandered through
the lavender glen looking for a croker sack.

There he chanced upon
a beautiful milkmaid.

Ow.
Hi, there, missy.

Uh, you wouldn't happen to have an old croker sack on ya,
would you?

- Why, I'm wearing one.
- Yeah, I just need it to put my priceless treasure into.

Priceless treasure?
Just a minute, honey!

Here you are!

Ooh, thanks a bunch!

Wait for me, lover pumpkin!

The smarmy Phox had filled his sack when
he noticed one small coin left in the chest.

An Indian head penny!

Of course, the greedy Phox
had to have it.

Hey, you kiddin'?
They bring three pazoozas on the open market.

But, in reaching
for that last penny,

Phox overbalanced and--

Here I am, Mr. Phox.
Ooh, looky!

He must have left my share for me.
Uh, where'd he go?

I'm in the box!
Let me out!

Sure, you are.

Oh, what a kidder.
Get me outta here!

Well, uh, thanks for divvying up with me,
Mr. Phox, wherever you are.

And the stupid lox ambled off followed by the milkmaid.

Hold it, sugar puss!
Oh, it's dark!

Years later,
whenever anyone would ask about the Phox with a P-H,

the answer was
always the same:

Who cares?

As for Desmond Dullwit,

he and his beautiful wife lived happily... Ow.

To a ripe old age.

Wait a minute.
The legend said whoever opened the box would die.

Yup.
But it didn't say when.

Once upon a time in Canada,
there unfolded a tale of heroes and villains,

and it all began with two boys,
a girl and a horse.

I don't know, Dudley.

Choosing what you want to be when
you grow up is a very serious matter.

It's not a question
of what I want, Nell.

It's my destiny to become
a Royal Canadian Mountie.

I think I'm going to have to get out and see the world before I choose.

- What a bunch of wimps.
- Why? What are you going to be, Snidely?

Me? Isn't it obvious?
I'm going to be the bad guy.

- Why?
- 'Cause the bad guy has all the fun,

and if you're the bad guy you get to do stuff like this...

Snidely!

And this!

So long, Mountie-boy!

I can ride better than that!

I can do this better too.

Why, Dudley!

Come on, Nell.

Though young Nell's heart
was torn between Dudley and Snidely,

her two very best friends
in the world,

Dudley's mind was filled with nothing but
visions of growing up to be a Mountie.

Of course,
this surely wouldn't hurt in his quest for the young Nell,

for a Mountie is
always brave...

and strong and cool.

Ouch!

Uh, let's try that again,
shall we?

A Mountie is always brave
and strong and--

It was 20 years later,
and Dudley Do-Right had fulfilled his destiny.

He had grown up to be
a Royal Canadian Mountie,

and his faithful horse, Horse,
who had grown up as well,

was the best-trained horse
this side of Ottawa.

Fetch!

Okay, so he wasn't
that well-trained.

Still, Dudley was a member in good standing
of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

He had his own grown-up fort.
He had his own grown-up office.

He had, indeed,
grown up to be brave and strong and cool.

Ouch!

Now, Dudley's lifelong rival, Snidely K.
Whiplash, had fulfilled his destiny as well.

He had become the bad guy,
and he had brought a bunch of his bad-guy friends with him.

Can I h-help you?

Could you wait till
everyone's in, please?

- What's the meaning of this?
- This is a holdup.

Now give us all your gold and all your money or we'll shoot you.

- All of you?
- All of us!

No, wait. Kevin,
go and get the money.

- Yes, sir. - Don't forget the gold.
- And don't forget the gold.

It's been a pleasure
doing business with you.

We got the money
and the gold!

Let's go, boys!

Snidely knew the call would go out to Canada's number one Mountie.

Too bad he was tied up with official Mountie business.

No, no, no.
The anchovies go on the half with the pepperoni,

and then it's one-quarter garlic and one-quarter olives.

Good! 20 minutes?
That's it.

Thanks, Mom.
I love you too.

Here we go.

Meanwhile, back at Snidely's
not-so-secret hideout--

Well, here's the money,
but where's the gold?

- Whiplash took it.
- Where is Whiplash?

He's gotta be here somewhere.

He took off with all the gold.
All we have is this measly $26,000.

We gotta find Whip.
He's tricked us.

And when we do,
we're gonna kill him...

really slowly.

Yeah, but where is he, huh?
Now, that's a good question.

- I heard he was in the Sudan.
- Where's that?

In Africa, stupid.

- He's supposed to be at the Hilton Hotel.
- The Hilton, eh?

- Mmm.
- Come on, boys! Let's go get him!

Of course,
what the boys didn't know was that is was Snidely himself...

who was sending them to
the far reaches of the world.

Yes, he really was
a very bad guy.

Oh, it's all so easy.

All you have to do...

is find 999 of the stupidest criminals in North America...

and everything just
falls into place.

There's only one man
who can stop me now.

And that one man could only be...

Dudley Do-Right of the
Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Meanwhile,
at an abandoned gold mine,

a sinister figure lurks.

I love to lurk.
It's so me.

Everyone knew there wasn't
any gold left in the old mine,

but it was part of Snidely's
evil plan to put some there.

Oh.

The old mine shaft
just caved in.

Oh, no. I warned those kids.
Come on.

Time to go to the dark and scary part of the forest.

Horse.

Fine.
I'll take the vehicle.

All right, you kids.
Come on out of there.

I'm hardly a kid!

Snidely?

Snidely Whiplash.

Dudley. Dudley Do-Right!
All right.

Queensbury rules. Let's go.
Put 'em up.

Ready when you are, D.D.

Why do you have a shotgun?
I was hunting.

Mm-hmm.
In an abandoned gold mine?

Yes.
I was hunting for vampires.

Vampires.
Vampires. 'Fraid so.

Believe me, Do-Right,
they exist. I don't believe you.

Oh, hold this.

Examine, if you will,
this shell from a shotgun.

You'll notice it's not shot but gold instead.

To kill a vampire,

you must drive a stake through its heart or shoot it with a golden bullet.

Oh. So,

then there really are
vampires around here?

Sadly, behind every tree,
practically.

What was that?

I shudder to speculate.
Um, I have to go.

I thought you might.
Um, so long.

Ciao.

And so it went.
While the evil Whiplash was out hunting vampires,

our hero was at home,
hiding behind a cardboard Mountie cutout.

After all,
even to a real Mountie,

vampires can seem
awfully scary.

Vampires, indeed.

Another week,
and I'll have those idiots thinking there's gold in them there hills.

In the daylight hours,
Snidely was hard at work...

arranging a meeting between a really
big train and the local bank president.

Is that a choo-choo train
I hear coming our way?

I can't do this
to our customers.

You'll own everything!

All right, all right.
I'll sign.

- All the mortgages are yours.
- And a teller to be named later.

All right!

Pay up the mortgage now or this quaint little fixer-upper is mine.

- You're not our banker.
- Oh, I am now.

- Read it and weep.
- How can you do this to us?

How can I do this to you?
Madam, I was born to do it. It's in my genes.

Now get out,
and take your munchkins with you.

That's right. Chop-chop.
Single file.

And wipe that smile off your face.
And no talking.

With his ill-gotten gains,

Snidely Whiplash was taking
over all of Semi-Happy Valley,

and that included the local motel,
the Slaw-Dogs stand,

the funeral home,
the very town itself.

Naturally, local residents became a mite concerned.

What's going on out here?
Wh-What's wrong?

We've all just lost
our homes and businesses.

Yeah.

Oh, well,
that's a relief. Huh?

- It is?
- Yes. I thought this was about the vampires.

No! This is about that bloodsucker,
Snidely Whiplash!

He's taken everything-- our homes,
our businesses, our farms!

- Yeah!
- What do you mean, "vampires"?

- You mean, you don't know?
- No.

- The woods are filled with them.
- What?

Run for your lives!

Our hero, Dudley Do-Right,
had never felt so alone.

Whiplash City was a ghost town.
His long-lost Nell had been gone for years.

Now it was just him and Horse.
It's just you and me, Horse.

If I know anything, Horse,
these two things are true:

Nell will never come back,
and you will never leave me.

Horse?

Horse!

Horse! Where are you going?
There's vampires out there!

- Who goes there?
- What?

Don't "what" m--
Don't "what" me!

I know you're a vampire.

I'm gonna warn ya.
I've got garlic in here.

It's me, Dudley.
It's Nell Fenwick.

Don't try and confuse me.
I know you're a vampire,

and I can prove it, too,
'cause only a vampire wouldn't know the answer...

to this simple, Canadian question:
What is Wayne Gretzky's middle name?

- Well, I don't know, Dudley.
- Aha!

Well, do you?

No.
No, I don't.

Oh, my God!

I am a vampire!

You're not a vampire,
Dudley.

- Is something burning?
- Oh, yeah, right.

Like you think I'm stupid enough to fall for that old trick.

It was at that precise moment when Nell remembered...

that famous old
Mountie movie song:

*When I'm calling you ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh *

Nell!
It really is you!

*Will you answer too ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh *

*That means I offer my love

*To you

- *If you refuse me
- *What shall I do

*When I'm calling you

*Ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh *

Won't you come in, Nell?
Sure.

So, Nell,
what have you been doing all these years?

Well, I went out and saw the world,
just like I planned.

Uh-huh.
I got my master's in philosophy from Yale,

a Ph.D. in international
diplomacy from Harvard--

Oh, and then I served
as U.S. Ambassador to Guam.

And?

And... now I've come home...

to get the one thing
a good education can't buy.

Oh, I got you.
You want one of those fuzzy plaid blankets...

that they sell down at the Mountie store?
No, Dudley.

- Beach house with a hot tub?
- No, I just--

Let's not play games, Nell.

I haven't had the chance to say these words before, and--

Oh, Dudley.

Nell, I--

Oh, Dudley! Dudley?

*When I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh *

- Enough with the song.
- Got it.

I'm sorry. Where was I?
Maybe we should just go out.

I hear they're having an authentic corn festival dance...

at the reservation,
with fireworks and everything.

A quiet evening in front of the fire avec moi,

toasting marshmallows,
drinking Ovaltine.

Oh! Now I remember
what I was going to say.

Nell Fenwick, I--
Whaa--

Huh?

Hey--

Oh!

Nell, I love you!

Though she had traveled far and wide,
never before had Nell heard...

a confession of love
from a moose.

Let's just go to the corn festival.

Okeydokey.

I'll get around to fixing
the floorboards next Tuesday.

Ooh.

I hope it's not
hunting season.

Ow!

Uh, a little help here
for the moose?

Please? Thank you.

*When I'm calling you ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh *

After finding the nearest moose-head removal service,

Dudley and Nell made their way
to the corn festival.

Dudley, this is
totally authentic!

This is Canada, Nell.
Things are real up here.

Oh! Say,
there's the chief!

Chief! Oh, Chief!

Yes,

it was the chief of that rarely-studied tribe of South Brooklyn Indians,

known as
the Canarsie Kumquats,

or just the Kumquats,
for short.

Dudley!
Long time no see.

You remember Nell.

Nell Fenwick! You look terrific.
How's it goin'?

- Me do well.
- Good for you, sugar.

Well, come on.
Let's go see the show!

Ohh!

This Riverdance stuff
is really hot lately.

Dudley? You remember Standing Room Only,
don't you? Hmm?

Oh, of course I do. How are you,
Standing Room Only?

Right. Look, could we talk?
Certainly.

How!

Bravo! Oh, bravo!

Okay, look.
A snitch I ain't, all right?

But for the last week or so I've been
seein' this guy out in the woods at night...

with this kinda Abe Lincoln
hat on and this opera coat...

goin' around shooting rocks and streams,
crap like that, with a shotgun.

- Yes? Go on.
- You don't think that's weird?

No, no.
It's Snidely Whiplash.

He thinks he's hunting
vampires with gold bullets,

which scares the heck
out of me.

Vampires or gold bullets?
Vampires.

- I'll tell you what. You're outta your friggin' mind.
- Me or him?

Me. Me, me.

Yeah.
That's a fine way to talk to your chief.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
this particular Mountie has a date.

Wow.

Oh, Dudley.
I wish we could have stayed for the fireworks.

The fireworks are even more beautiful from this vantage point.

Yes.
*When I'm calling you ooh-ooh-ooh *

Dudley? Not now, okay?
Yes, Nell.

Let's just row.
Of course, Nell.

*That's when-- Meanwhile,
that same night,

the poorest man in Semi-Happy Valley was about to strike it rich.

Hello!
Enjoying your evening thus far?

Thought I'd just drop in.
Found some gold, have we?

N-N-No.
There's no gold anywhere around here.

Oh, but there is-- lots of it,
all over the place.

And you-- you horrid example of a human being--

have made
the initial discovery!

You're famous. You will be
on network television.

Network television?
No way!

Mm-hmm. Now, stand up,
hold the pan out and smile.

- Can I-- can I borrow your comb?
- Shut up and grin.

Welcome. Welcome to our show.
Have a seat. Hi. How are you?

Well, they're calling this the biggest gold strike in history.

Certainly it's the biggest gold find of the century.
Absolutely.

And the man who made it all possible
is here for an exclusive interview today.

Mr. Kim J. Darling.
Welcome, Kim!

What's happening, Regis?
I'll tell you what's happening, my friend.

You're what's happening.
Headlines all over the world.

How's it feel to have made the biggest gold find in a century?

Oh, well, I feel light-headed,
Kathie Lee.

Well, your story certainly has taken the whole world by storm.

But, Rege, the sad part is,
at least for Kim, is he found all this gold...

on land he doesn't own.
I did?

But the owner is staking no claim.
He says whoever finds the gold...

gets to keep it.

That's why the big gold rush is on for Northern Canada.

Stay tuned.
Bette Midler is next.

- No!
- Yeah!

Meanwhile,
on the U.S.-Canadian Border,

all is tranquil as usual.

You want some of me?

You want some of Dwayne Cuffman?

Huh?
Come on, you son of a--

Ooh. Ha!

Passports! Hey, stop--
I must see your passports!

Trouble along the Canadian-U.S. border continues to mount.

They seem to be
yuppie wetbacks, mostly,

but a lot of them are dentists.

And this just in.
Scientists discover that Canadian bacon is ordinary ham.

What could be better than a plan working exactly as you planned it?

Nothing!
That's what's better.

- Drop it, Whiplash.
- It's about time you showed up.

About time?
We're here to kill you.

Oh, that won't be necessary.
Gentlemen, forgive my manners.

Please, take a seat.

You weren't in the Sudan.

- You don't say. Where are all the other men?
- Where are they?

Heathrow,
the Rome airport, Mozambique.

We all ran out of money.

This could be the right-sized group I've been looking for.

- What are you talking about? We're gonna kill you!
- You're not going to kill me.

- You're going to work for me.
- What? What?

I need you boys
to help me run the town.

Everyone's gone,
including the man who ran the Slaw-Dogs stand.

Therefore, boys,

I'm gonna need your help
to run Whiplash City.

Lefty, didn't you once
attend school?

Well, I-- Yeah.
Good!

Well, now you're the new
superintendent for schools.

Oh, thanks, Whip.
This is a dream come true for me.

Homer, didn't you once work
at McDonald's?

Well, yeah, Whip, but I'm your number-two guy.
I'm part of the brain trust.

Absolutely!

Now you can manage the Snidely Whiplash Slaw-Dogs stand.

Oh, man.
I'm gettin' screwed.

And we're
going to need doctors.

Which one of you's dumb enough to think you can perform brain surgery?

Congratulations. You're
the town's new brain surgeon.

Aw.
Yes!

Yes, indeed.

- It's obvious we're going to need a good psychiatrist!
- Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!

Honey? Look, honey!

Good-bye Las Vegas.
Hello Whiplash City--

a place for parents to pan for gold,
bond with their children Carly get a picture!

I don't wanna.
Carly, get a picture!

And a place to prove
that white me can dance.

California, Georgia,
Puerto Rico--

But where are the Canadians?

Canadians like to think things over before they do something.

Americans just jump.
And thank goodness they do.

Did you like the way I pronounced "Puerto Rico"?
Yeah.

I speak a little Spanish.
You're the complete package, Whip.

Yes,
Snidely had taken over Dudley Do-Right's town.

But little did he know Dudley was devising a plan to

That Dudley was
hard at work devi--

Okay, I'm lying. He was fast asleep,
dreaming about Horse.

*Reunited
and it feels so good *

- Horse! Horse! Horse!
- *Reunited 'cause we understood *

*There's one perfect fit

*And, sugar
this one is it *

*We both are so excited
'cause we're *

*Reunited
Hey, hey *

Horse! It's so good
to see you again.

Nell's here, and you're here,
and if only I knew what that Snidely Whiplash was up to.

Huh?
You mean there never were any vampires?

Wake up, will ya? No!
What else? That dirty rat!

Whoa!

Hey, yo, Whipster!
We're makin' a fortune!

So I see. So I see.

It's the same with the gift shop and the gas station,

and the funeral home should be showing
a profit if I've got anything to do with it.

Huh? Mr.
Whip?

Hmm? I was thinking,
with us gettin' rich and all,

that maybe we should...
start playin' golf?

My word.
You're a genius.

The par-72 golf course was soon Snidely's pride and joy,

and, thanks to the complimentary golf balls he gave to all his guests,

he never lost a game--

ever.
Bad luck!

You must have looked up.

Stop right there, Whiplash!

Do-Right, you made me
hit the windmill!

No one talks when I shoot!
You da man, Whip!

There's something going on in Semi-Happy Valley that I don't approve of.

It's called "Whiplash City"
now, Mountie-boy. Ooh.

You remember Nell Fenwick.
Nell!

Remember her?
He'd been in love with her since he was six.

Hello, Snidely.
Oh, we've known each other too long to be that formal.

Nell, will you stop that!

Zowie!
Cool hat.

We try.
So, what do you want, totem-breath?

"Totem-breath"?
Well, it's the best I could come up with.

It's hard to kiss
and think at the same time,

neither of which activity you've had much experience with.

What I want is for you to know
that I don't know for sure...

what you're up to, but you're
for sure up to something.

Well put.
And I sure intend to find out what that something is.

Do-Right, you'd need a psychic
to find out what I'm up to.

I don't think so.

Well,
I think that's a "gimme," eh, boys?

- Oh, yeah.
- Let's play the next hole. Come join us, Nell.

- Nell!
- Oh, it's just Snidely, for Pete's sake.

Though Snidely was the bad guy,
he did have a certain something.

First you ran everyone out of town.
Uh-huh.

Then you took over the town,
and then-- Yes, what else?

Gosh. I knew it this morning.
Oh, come on, Einstein. You can do it.

Uh, then-- then you salted the streams and mines with gold...

in order to create
a false gold rush,

and, because you own the town and everything in it,
you stand to make a great fortune!

Ha! Hop up, sweet cakes.
Carry on, boys.

Dudley, keep your voice down.
This is an exclusive club. I don't care.

Would you like to play with us?
I'll give you a stroke a hole. Not a chance!

Oh, come on-- Hello.
Domo arigato.

Yes, carry on. Carry on.
Very good there. Lovely to see you.

Yes, lovely ball.
Thank you very much.

Well, my dear friend and worthy foe,
once again I've foolishly underestimated you.

That's right!
Then I'm right?

No! You're way off!
But what if a rumor like that spread around?

It could destroy a community like Semi-Happy Valley,
or whatever you want to call it.

Wouldn't want that, would you?

We have to tell the truth, Snidely.
Yes, of course.

But before we do anything rash,
let's sit down and discuss it like adults.

When?
Tonight, 9:00 p.m. sharp?

Where?
Your place.

What's the dress?
Casual.

That doesn't leave me
much time to get ready.

Microwave some of those little hot dog thingies.
All right.

Snidely didn't keep his date with Dudley,

but Homer did,
and he was thoughtful enough to bring along a six-pack...

of dynamite.

*Ooh, I'm a lucky man

*Ooh, I'm a lucky man

*I'm a winner either way I stand * Homer!

Hmm. You look somehow--
I don't know-- younger.

How did it go? Everything's taken care of.
Your boy is in do-gooder heaven.

I couldn't even find his body.
Excellent!

Well, get out of that garish outfit and find yourself a black suit.

You are our new
funeral home director.

- Shane!
- Yes, Mr. Whiplash?

Drinks on the house.
No, wait a second. Yes, sir.

Drinks are 50 % off.
No, wait a second. Right.

Double the price of everything!
Yes, sir.

While Snidely celebrated Dudley's demise,

Dudley was actually in Ottawa telling the
authorities about Snidely's evil scheme.

What Dudley didn't know was that Snidely had friends in high places...

What are you lookin' at?
As well as low.

Well, that is an amazing story
you tell, Officer Do-Right.

Thank you.
I also know a story about a hermit who kept a--

But let's say you're wrong, hmm?
I mean,

wouldn't a rumor like that

destroy the suddenly burgeoning economy of your little town?

That's what Snidely Whiplash said,
but he didn't use the word "burgeoning."

Well, this Mr.
Whiplash sounds like a very community-minded fellow to me.

Oh, come on. Wake up.
He's the bad guy.

- Just look at the way he dresses-- duh!
- Ah! But is he really?

I mean,
here we have millions of American dollars pouring into an otherwise...

impoverished section
of Canada.

I mean, strike me several times with a blunt instrument, but, uh,
that's not good?

But it's wrong!
And, as you can tell from my name--

But isn't it sometimes difficult to discern
the line between right and wrong, hmm?

Uh-- Not for him.
He's a Mountie.

For these guys, things are
either right or they're wrong.

Boom, boom, cut and dried.
Discern that, why don't you?

Hmm.

Gold! I found gold!

He found gold!

Right! We'll build
the hotel on this side,

and we'll put the condominiums on that side
so people can walk right up to the river.

I love it, Whip. Yes, I thought you might.
I bet everyone loves it.

Yeah, well, I don't.

It does have some problems.
It's not perfect.

Oh, but it is perfect.

You know, boys,
you're the best gang I've ever had.

Thanks, Whip.
Particularly you, um--

Homer. Homer.

Oh, gosh, I--

Morning, boys!

"Do-gooder heaven," eh?

Back to the Slaw-Dogs stand with you!
I know. I know.

- Hello?
- Nell?

- Dudley?
- Nell, have you seen my office lately?

Well, not lately, Dudley. Why?
Have you done something with it?

Well, no, but someone has.
Dudley, Father's come back.

- I'm afraid he's got some bad news.
- Where are you?

Oh, Dudley.
You know how bad I am with directions.

Are you in a car?

Yes, but it's stopped.

Nell? Nell? Nell--

I think I'm gonna have to call you back, Nell.
We've got a bad connection.

Inspector!

At ease, Do-Right.

Why, it does this old heart of mine good to see you again, sir.

You're my hero, sir.
You're my role model!

Dudley, you're finished
as a Mountie.

Get your horse
and clear out of here.

Horse ran away.
Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm so sorry
to hear that.

Nell? Oh, I can't watch.
I just can't watch.

Your father's joshing me about being drummed out of the service.

It's very funny.
I'm not joshing you even the tiniest bit.

The highest level
of the Canadian government...

has called me out of retirement to replace you here.

Oh, I know
what this is about.

I was supposed to have a
meeting with Snidely Whiplash,

but I completely forgot
about it.

I went to Ottawa instead--
And then Ottawa called on me.

Now, give me your uniform
and your sidearm, and leave.

My uniform, sir?
Oh, I'm sorry, Dudley.

This is a very sad moment.

Ah, yes, Inspector,
it certainly is.

He had lost his uniform.
He had lost his horse.

Dudley's dreams
were shattered.

Hello. Remember me?
I was on Regis and Kathie Lee.

Yeah, I was, honestly. Last week.
Only last week. It was very good.

I was on
Regis and Kathie Lee.

Hello. I know
Bette Midler personally.

Hi! It's me!
I was on Regis and Kathie Lee last week.

Hey! I know you.

You're Dudley Do-Right of the
Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

I never forget a face,
although a name sometimes escapes me.

Sir, I lost my job today.
My horse ran away,

and I'd really like to be alone right now,
if you don't mind.

Oh, no chance, pal.
I am your new best friend.

I don't have any friends.
Hey, you got me, pal.

I don't even have a home.
Oh!

Wait till ya see my place!

Meanwhile,
Whiplash had begun his evil campaign...

to win the affections of the fair Nell Fenwick and to impress her father.

Let us hope they can see right through this scheming cad!

Sorry.
May I recommend the salt cod bouillabaisse...

followed by the buckwheat crepes with tangerine reduction.

Um, okay. Father?

Sounds delectable. But for me,
hold the fennel seed.

- Very wise choice, Inspector. Very wise.
- Oh, thank you.

You drank too much last night.

Did I?
I feel pretty good. Yeah.

You know,
the line between right and wrong...

is oftentimes
difficult to discern.

Yeah. I was just
thinking that myself.

Snidely Whiplash has brought prosperity to Semi-Happy Valley.

He's turned
this nowhere town around.

- Of course, he ran off all the old residents.
- It's all about greed.

You're right!
That's it!

It is greed! That's all it is.
It's just greed!

Dudley, please don't make any sudden moves around me this morning,
all right?

What happens when all the gold runs out?

Uh, why, it's never gonna
run out.

- It's not?
- No, no, no, no. Whiplash is too smart.

Snidely was smart enough to keep the gold coming in...

so the profits would
keep coming in;

smart enough to own his own helicopter;
smart enough to have won over...

every government authority
within 2,000 miles.

But was he smart enough
to outwit a pathetic bum...

and the only man to be thrown out of the Mounties in a hundred years?

We'll have to see about that.

I don't see anything.

Aha!

See?
That's where they melt down the gold...

so they can salt it at night.

Whiplash.

Would you look how popular Snidely is?
That's not right.

People always suck up to the guy in charge.
You know that. It's like life.

I say we go down there and arrest them all.
Oh, I don't think so.

Why not?
I'll give you three good reasons.

I'd like to start with the second one first,
if that's okay with you.

Mm-hmm.
Okay. Two:

We go down there,
they'll kill us.

You're not
a Mountie anymore,

They're not doing anything illegal.

But we've gotta do something!
No!

You gotta do something.
I just wanted to show you what was going on.

What's my next move?
Well, you could, uh, steal the gold...

before they can salt it,
and that way-- end of gold rush.

What? Me, steal?
Me, break the law?

Sadly, yeah.
But then I'd be Dudley "Do-Wrong."

Do-Wrong's nice. I like that.
It's kind of French.

You know,
"Dudley Do-Wrong."

I'm so confused.

It's not
tha complicated, Dudley.

The bad guy, Snidely Whiplash,
is apparently doing good,

ergo, putting you, the good guy,
in the position of having to be the bad guy.

Well, not exactly the bad guy.
Let's say the "badder" guy.

But just as a bad guy doing good does
not necessarily make him the good guy,

so a good guy doing bad does not,
ipso facto, make him a bad guy.

This can't be happening.
He can't be the good guy.

But he is. The good citizens of Whiplash
City are throwing a ball in his honor tonight.

For Snidely?

*He likes bread and butter

*He likes toast and jam

*That's what his baby
feeds him *

*He's her lovin' man

I don't believe it.
They love him!

You better believe it.
He is the good guy!

Yeah, not to mention the fact that he's got Nell.

No. Maybe it's just
someone who looks like her.

Nah, that's Nell.

*Did you ever have to make up your mind * It is Nell!

I can't believe that this is happening to me!

Sorry.
It's okay.

I better go do something
about this.

No, wait! You're not ready.
You're not trained.

*Sometimes it's one with big blue eyes cute as a bunny *

*With hair down to here
*And plenty of money

*And just when you think
she's that one in the world *

*Your heart gets stolen
by some mousy little girl *

*Then you know you better
make up your mind *

*And pick up on one
and leave the other behind *

*It's not often easy
and not often kind *

*Did you ever have
to make up your mind *

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

*Sometimes you really dig a girl the moment you kiss her *

*Then you get distracted
by her older sister *

*When in walks her father
and takes you in line *

*You better go home, son
and make up your mind *

*Then you bet
you better finally decide *

*To say yes to one
and let the other one ride *

*There's so many changes
and tears you must hide *

*Did you ever have
to finally decide *

Well done!

Oh, this is gonna take
a lot of work.

And who better to do that work than Kim Darling himself,

a grown man with an extensive Pokemon collection?

My son,
the hero defeats danger...

because he is
dangerous himself.

You... are... dangerous.

Know it. Say it.

You are dangerous.

No. Say,
"I am dangerous."

- I did.
- No, say, "I am dangerous."

- You are dangerous.
- No, no, no, no. Yo say,

"I am dangerous."
But you said--

Oh, never mind.

The hero must face
three trials:

trust, daring, instinct.

For the sake of consistency,
we'll start with number two.

Daring!

Okay, now.
I am your adversary.

I am evil.
Evil! Evil!

You're evil.

Yes. And now I'm going
to draw this line in the sand.

Now, do not dare
cross that line,

otherwise evil will
rain down upon you-- evil!

No, no. Look, Dudley,
take me up on my challenge by showing me how daring you are.

Let's try it once again,
shall we?

I am evil!
Now, do not dare cross that line!

I am evil! Evil!

Well, what?
You said I'm not supposed to cross the line!

But you're supposed to cross the line!
Let's try it again.

Okay, now. Do not dare
cross the line of death.

I am evil!
I am evil!

What'd you do that for?

'Cause I'm evil.
I can't help it. Sorry.

Eight, nine, ten--
Trust.

The hero trusts.
Now, I will throw some stones at you--

missing intentionally,
of course--

and you will not flinch as they whiz past your head because you trust me.

I trust you, Master.
Good!

- Ow!
- Sorry.

But that was very good.
You trusted me. Okay?

- Ow!
- Perfect! You didn't flinch at all.

Just one more, okay?

Excellent! Absolutely!

Trust is your middle name.

A lot less moaning would be good.

Instinct.

You will fight me
without benefit of eyesight.

You will block
my every blow...

because you can see without your eyes,
you can hear without your ears,

you can speak without your tongue.
Yes, Master.

I said without your tongue.

Now, your sword is your stick.
The stick is your defense.

Prepare to defeat me.
Are you ready? Ha!

Very good,
indeed-- the hopping-foot defense.

Very good!
The other-foot-hopping defense.

Wonderful! You're at one with the universe.
And now, concentrate.

Prepare to receive my final assault.

- Wonderful. The playing-dead defense.
- Master--

Good choice under the circumstances.
You'll be all right, my son,

providing they don't
attack you with sticks.

With his master's lesson ringing in his ears,

Dudley set off
in search of justice...

You are ready, my son.
And Extra-Strength Tylenol.

You are ready because you've taken everything I can throw at you...

and still you stand
tall and true.

You are ready to face danger because you are danger.

Now, get out there and
do something dangerous.

No! Please don't!

Then tell me when the next gold delivery arrives.

I don't know.

Well, then I'm afraid we're gonna find out which is your better side.

You're a Mountie.
Not anymore.

Thursday. The gold's
coming at noon on Thursday.

Noon Thursday. Thank you.

- Now if I can just figure out how to stop this thing.
- What?

Whoa! That's not it.
Owee!

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Just papier-mache.
Completely recyclable material.

- What kind of man are you anyway, Do-Right?
- A dangerous one.

- He's got the gold!
- After him, boys!

He may have been outnumbered,

but Dudley knew these woods
like the back of his horse.

Whoa-oh-oh!

Yee-ha!

Do you have any idea what
this could possibly mean?

Doris Day.

Just a guess.
Dom Deluise.

- Daniel Day-Lewis.
- Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Daphne du Maurier.
Oh, shut up.

- Doc Duvalier.
- David Duchovny?

- Delores Del Rio.
- Shut up, you idiots. - Dan Rather.

These initials could
only mean one thing:

Dudley Do-Right.

You think Do-Right has got the guts for something like this?

- Of course I do.
- Wow.

You realize what this means,
don't you? He's becoming the bad guy.

Where does that leave me?
I used to be the bad guy.

If he's capable
of doing this,

who knows what other really fun,
bad-guy stuff he's been doing.

What other stuff, indeed,
David Duchovny.

For Snidely was about to discover a crime so low,
so hideous,

it had to involve
toilet paper.

Oh, man.

What a bleak
and rimy day.

Something like this just makes you sick to your stomach.

Don't touch me!

Where are you going?

Oh, well,
my work is done here now, Dudley.

So it's-- it's time for me to rejoin my family.

You have a family?

Yeah, well,
it's-- it's a long story. But, uh,

basically, I was--
I was lost like you.

I wasn't a hero to anyone,
not even myself.

No one ever really
believed in me.

But I feel you're my friend now,
and you believe in me.

And-- and that gives me the strength to rejoin my loved ones,

if I can find them.

I'm a new man, Dudley,
thanks to you.

What about
the chain saw?

Oh. Uh, parting gift.

Family tradition.
Don't ask. Oh, thank you.

Use it in peace,
not war.

You can count on me.

My son.

My master.

Ah.

Oh, that's lovely, Whip.

The play of light,
the chiaroscuro shading--

Shut up, Homer.
You got it, Whip.

What was that?

Oh, Do-Right!

Well, Snidely.
Posing as an artist to gain young Nell's favor, eh?

Stop the music!

He's quite talented,
Dudley.

It's paint-by-numbers.

And I can't tell you how hard it is to
keep the paint inside those teeny lines.

Wait a minute. You're wearing black.
That's my color.

I'm the bad guy.
But you're not wearing black, Snidely.

That's dark blue.
It is not.

It is so. It's navy.
See for yourself.

Ooh! Homer!

Yes, Whip?
What am I doing wearing blue?

Well, Whip, the black one's
at the cleaners,

and I just wanna say you look good in blue,
you really do.

Oh! "I just wanna say."
"I just wanna say."

Nell, you'll always think of me as wearing black,
won't you?

Oh, I don't know, Snidely.

I don't think this portrait really captures Nell's preternatural beauty.

Oh, yes.
Like you could do better, Mountie-boy?

Is that a challenge?

Absolutely.

*Get your motor runnin'

*Head out on the highway

*Lookin' for adventure

*In whatever comes our way

*Born to be wild

Oh!

Oh, Dudley.

It's lovely.

Shall we, Nell?

You look really good
in green, Whip.

He's a cunning adversary,
Homer,

but not cunning enough to outwit Snidely K.
Whiplash.

You are
my role model, Whip.

So Dudley wants
to be the bad guy.

We'll see
if the shoe fits.

What shoe, Whip?
Oh, for Pete's sake.

We've all done our best
to make Whiplash City...

a place of peace
and prosperity.

A place where we could all make lots and lots of money...

without doing anything at all-- that's how life should be.

But there's a man
trying to ruin all that.

- This is the man.
- Hey, that's Dudley!

- He's the good guy!
- This man is dangerous and evil.

He's not evil!
You're wrong, Whiplash!

We must find him at once.

Gold miners
of Whiplash City unite.

- Dudley Do-Right must be found and done away with.
- No!

- He must be killed, you hear me?
- No! No!

No! No! No! No!

Yes,
the tide had turn against Snidely.

The townspeople had
grown tired of Whiplash City.

They wanted their town back
just the way it used to be.

So while Snidely was
growing weaker by the minute,

Dudley was growing stronger.

Yo, Mr. Do-Right.
Five minutes.

Thank you.

Oh!

Bravo!

Though Nell had witnessed
many examples of our hero's derring-do,

it took a dance number to convince her that Dudley... Dudley?

Was studly.
Dudley!

*When I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh *

*When I'm calling you ooh-ooh-ooh *

Dudley?

*Will you answer too
ooh-ooh-ooh *

- Dudley.
- Nell.

I love you now, and I always have.
You really do, Nell?

Meanwhile,
back at Snidely's secret hideout and day spa--

We have to find out where that sniveling Do-Right is hiding.

I've got the men out combing the countryside, Whip.

Do you?

I'll get it.

Here.

Yeah, give it to me.
Hello.

What?

We found him.

This calls for a celebration.
Waiter!

Two mudslingers, please.

Snidely and his henchmen
immediately launched an all-out assault...

on the Kumquat nation.

It's Whiplash.

They just want me, Chief.
I'll go quietly. This isn't your fight.

I'm backing you 110 %,
and I mean that... so far.

- You got weapons?
- Weapons?

Come on.
This is basically a dinner theater we're runnin' here.

- You got fireworks?
- That we got.

Fire!

They're just fireworks, you sissies! Be men!

That's the last of the fireworks.
Now what?

We'll take to the forest
and throw rocks at them.

Rocks?
What else can we do?

- The press here?
- Yes, sir. They're up there on the perimeter, sir.

Let's do it.

General Whiplash,
the village is ours.

Torch it, Shane.
Burn everything. Yes, sir.

No. Wait a minute.
That's bad publicity.

Have the photographers take pictures
of the boys straightening up the place.

You got it.
Learn from history or repeat it.

Come on, Chief.

I gotta stop.

You can make it.
You're a young man.

Don't let this face-lift fool you.
I'm 62.

On second thought.

Ow! Okay, hold it.
Hold it right there.

Hold your fire.
Hold your fire. Hold your fire!

- Somebody hit me with a rock.
- It was one of them Indian dancers.

Right. That's it. Now I'm heated.

Not since their all-male revival of Little Women...

had the Kumquats faced
such a hostile reception.

But the Kumquats never walked away from a fight.
They preferred to run.

Know what we need, Chief?
Two weeks in Maui.

No. Bigger rocks.

That's not fair!
They've got rocks!

All we've got are
these machine guns.

Oh, mother of pearl,
here comes another one.

Let 'em have another one.
The next size down is this one.

We're outta the big stuff.
We're screwed.

No, we're not. Look.
It's my horse, Horse.

Just like in my dream.

Wait a minute.
We're saved because that flea-bitten nag showed up?

He's trying to tell us to follow him.

I think he's just got
a fly up his nose.

Come on, everybody!

We've got them on the run now.

They'll never make it
across the valley floor.

Homer! Time to bring up the heavy equipment.
Yes, sir!

Move out!
Move, move, move, move!

I'm sorry.
I gotta stop.

Come on, Chief. No.
That's it. I'm finished.

I thought native North Americans could run all day.

Oh, yeah, like we're
really Indians.

We're not leaving without you.

- You guys go without me. Go!
- You stood by me. I'm gonna stand by you.

Ah, Dudley.
I'm making you an honorary Kumquat.

- That means a great deal to me, Chief.
- Forget about it.

He's a dead honorary Kumquat.

Roger.

Tango-Delta-Foxtrot.

Ah!

Shall we dance?

You gotta admit.
He comes prepared.

I think it's time to surrender.
Yeah, it looks like it.

- He's got another bug up his nose.
- No.

He's telling me he wants me to attack the tanks.

Is that good-- taking advice from a horse?

Yes, it is.
They got a brain about the size of a pea.

That's nuts.
Not to mention stupid.

I think it's wonderful. Don't worry.
I'll save you, Nell. Yah! Yah!

Dudley.

Homer, let him have it.

Come to Daddy.

Ah, that's it.
End of game.

Yah!

Ah!

Yah!

Curses! Where
did they come from?

Come on! Come back here,
you cowards!

General!

Ah!

Good horse, Horse.

You know, Homer,
- the ending.

Up until then,
being the bad guy is the best job in the world.

Ah. Hello, Dudley.

- Hello, Whip.
- I've lost everything.

Even the announcer's gone.

No, I'm still here.
Someone's got to explain where the cavalry came from.

Yes. I was a mite curious
about that myself.

Dudley!

Kim!

Yes,
the prospector had found his long-lost family.

The search was greatly simplified when
Kim spotted his wife on television...

as she was being sworn in
as Prime Minister of Canada.

It was she
who called out the cavalry.

That was lucky,
wasn't it? Boy, I'll say.

And that's because good things
happen to good people,

and bad things happen
to bad people.

What's the problem, Officer?
I was only doing 25 miles an hour.

Well, that's the last we'll see of them for a long,
long time.

Don't count on it,
bugle-boy.

No jail can hold
Snidely K. Whiplash.

Oh, shut up, Homer.
Sure thing, Whip.

Do-Right, would you
allow me the honor...

of presenting you
with your old uniform...

and the thanks
of a graceful nation?

Thank you, Inspector.

Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!

Yes,
Dudley now has everything a Mountie could ever want.

His fort,
his girl and a swell collection of foofy pillows.

Nell.

Oh! Dudley!

Ooh! Ooh!

Nell!
Dudley!

*When I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh *

*All you gotta do

*All you gotta say

*Is, baby
that you love me *

*At the end of every day

*I'll give you
everything you want *

*I'll give you
everything you see *

*Just do right
do right *

*By me

*Oh, I'm not searchin'
for buried treasure *

*I'm just lookin'
for a heart of gold *

*Well
I'm the kind of girl *

*That needs
some serious pleasure *

*If the truth be told

*All you gotta do, oh

*All you gotta say

*Is, baby that you love me
at the end of every day *

*At the end of every day

*I'll give you
everything you want *

*I'll give you
everything you see, yeah *

*Just do right
do right *

*By me, oh

*Oh, oh

*I've been working up
a healthy appetite *

*For a midnight
dream come true *

*Well, you're the one
I want, so, honey *

*Hold on tight

*It's time
to rendezvous, oh *

*All you gotta say
*All you gotta do, oh

*All you gotta say

*Is, baby
that you love me *

*At the end of every day

*I'll give you
everything you want *

*I'll give you
everything you see *

*Just do right
do right *

*By me

*Do right

*Baby won't you be mine * *Do right

*I'll love you all the time * *Do right

*Just give me a sign

*Ah, ah
*Do right

*All you gotta do
*Do right

*All you gotta say
*All you gotta say

*Is, baby
that you love me *

*At the end of every day

*Give you everything
you want *

*Everything you see

*Do right, do right
do right by me *

*All you gotta do

*All you gotta say
*All you gotta say

*Is, baby
that you love me *

*At the end of every day

*I'll give you
everything you want *

*I'll give you
everything you see *

*Do right
do right by me *

*All you gotta do
*By

*All you gotta say
*Me

*Ooh, baby
that you love me *

*At the end of every day

*I'll give you
everything you want *

*I'll give you
everything you see *

*Do right, do right

*By me, yeah

*All you gotta say
*Yeah, yeah

*Mm, mm

*Baby, that you love me
every day *

*I'll give you
everything you see *

*Do right
*Do right

*By me
*Do right

*All you gotta do