Duck Soup (1933) - full transcript

Mrs. Teasdale.

Yes, Your Excellency?

I again ask you
to reconsider.

Gentlemen,
I've already
loaned Freedonia

more than half
the fortune my
husband left me.

I consider
that money lost.

And now, you're asking
for another $20 million.

But it would only be
for a few months to meet
this present emergency.

With $20 million
in the treasury,

we can announce
an immediate
reduction in the taxes.

That's all that
the people
are asking for.



I'm sorry, but
I'm inclined to agree
with the people.

The government
has been mismanaged.

What?

I will lend the money
but only on condition
that His Excellency withdraw

and place
the government
in new hands.

You ask me
to give up
my office?

Yes, Your Excellency.

In a crisis like this,
I feel Freedonia
needs a new leader,

a progressive,
fearless fighter!

A man like
Rufus T. Firefly!

Rufus T. Firefly?

I will lend
the money
to Freedonia

only if Firefly is
appointed leader.

The Honorable Secretary
of Finance and Party.



His Excellency,
Ambassador Trentino
of Sylvania.

Ambassador.

Mrs. Teasdale.

It was so good
of you to come.

I'm anxious for you
to meet the new
leader of our country.

No matter who
rules in Freedonia,
Mrs. Teasdale,

to me, you will
always be the first
lady of the land.

Oh, permit me.
This is
Miss Vera Marcal.

Ambassador Trentino.

Miss Marcal needs
no introduction,

I've seen her
dance many times
at the theater.

Thank you.

The Honorable
Pandooh of Mufhtan.

I must greet
His Honor.

What have you
found out?

Nothing.
I've been waiting
to hear from you.

I've given up the
idea of a revolution.

I have a better plan.
Oh, yes?

I can gain control of
Freedonia much easier by
marrying Mrs. Teasdale.

Maybe
that's not going
to be so easy.

Eh?
Oh, from what I hear.

You see, Mrs. Teasdale
is rather sweet on
this Rufus T. Firefly.

Oh, well, that's
where you come in.

I'm going
to place him
in your hands.

And I don't have to
tell you what to do
or how to... Careful.

I want you to meet
His Excellency's
Secretary, Bob Roland.

Ambassador Trentino.
How do you do, sir?

Miss Marcal.
We've met.

Of course.

Well, I hope
His Excellency
gets here soon.

His Excellency
makes it a point
always to be on time.

As long as I've known
him, he's never been
late for an appointment.

His Excellency is due
to take his station

Beginning his new
administration

He'll make his
appearance when

The clock on the
wall strikes 10:00

When the clock on
the wall strikes 10:00

All you loyal ladies
and you patriotic men

Let's sing the
national anthem when

The clock on
the wall strikes 10:00

His Excellency is due
to take his station

Beginning his new
administration

He'll make his
appearance when

The clock on the
wall strikes 10:00

We'll give him
a rousing cheer

To show him
we're glad he's here

Hail, hail Freedonia

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave

And free

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave
and free

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave
and free

You expecting
somebody?

Yes.

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave
and free

Oh, Your Excellency,
we've been expecting you.

As Chairwoman of the
Reception Committee,

I extend the good wishes
of every man, woman
and child of Freedonia.

Never mind that
stuff. Take a card.

Card? What'll I do
with a card?

You can keep it.
I've got 51 left.

Now what
were you saying?

As Chairwoman of the
Reception Committee,

I welcome you
with open arms.

Is that so? How late
do you stay open?

I've sponsored
your appointment

because I feel you are
the most able statesman
in all Freedonia.

Well, that covers
a lot of ground.

Say, you cover a lot
of ground yourself.
You'd better beat it.

I hear they're gonna
tear you down

and put up an
office building
where you're standing.

You can leave in a taxi.
If you can't get a taxi,
you can leave in a huff.

If that's too soon,
you can leave in
a minute and a huff.

You know, you haven't
stopped talking
since I came here.

You must have
been vaccinated with
a phonograph needle.

The future
of Freedonia
rests on you.

Promise me you'll
follow in the footsteps
of my husband.

How do you like that?
I haven't been on
the job five minutes

and already she's
making advances to me.

Not that I care,
but where is
your husband?

Why, he's dead.

I'll bet he's
just using that
as an excuse.

I was with him
till the very end.

Hmm! No wonder
he passed away.

I held him
in my arms
and kissed him.

Oh, I see.
Then it was murder.

Will you marry me?
Did he leave you
any money?

Answer the second
question first.

He left me his
entire fortune.
Is that so?

Can't you see what
I'm trying to tell you?
I love you.

Oh, Your Excellency!

You're not
so bad yourself.

Oh, I want to
present to you

Ambassador Trentino
of Sylvania.

Having him with
us today is indeed
a great pleasure.

Thank you,
but I can't
stay very long.

That's even a
greater pleasure.

Now, how about lending
this country $20 million,
you old skinflint?

$20 million is
a lot of money.

I'd have to take
that up with my
Minister of Finance.

Well, in the meantime,
could you let me
have $12 until payday?

$12?
Don't be scared.
You'll get it back.

I'll give you
my personal note
for 90 days.

If it isn't paid by then,
you can keep the note.

Your Excellency,
haven't we seen each
other somewhere before?

I don't think so. I'm not
sure I'm seeing you now.
Must be something I ate.

Look here, sir!
Are you trying to...

Don't look now,

but there's one man
too many in this room,
and I think it's you.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I want you to meet
a very charming lady.

And it's about time.

Just a moment.

I want to present
Miss Vera Marcal.

Go ahead.
I can take it.

Oh, you
don't understand.

This is Vera Marcal,
the famous dancer.

Is that so?
Can you do this one?

I danced
before Napoleon.

No, Napoleon
danced before me.

In fact, he danced
200 years before me.

Here's one I picked
up in a dance hall.

Here's another
one I picked up
in a dance hall.

Perhaps sometime
we get a chance to
dance together, huh?

I could dance with you
till the cows come home.
Yeah?

On second thought,
I'd rather dance with the
cows till you come home.

Where is
my secretary?

Here I am.

Good heavens,
Your Excellency!

Uh, take a letter.
Who to?

To my dentist.

"Dear dentist, enclosed
find check for $500.
Yours very truly."

Send it off immediately!

I'll have to enclose
the check first.

You do and I'll fire you.

Your Excellency,
the eyes of the world
are upon you.

Notables from every
country are gathered
here in your honor.

This is a gala
day for you.

Well, a gal a day
is enough for me.

I don't think
I could handle
anymore.

If it's not
asking too much...

For our information,
just for illustration

Tell us how you intend
to run the nation

These are the laws
of my administration

No one's allowed to smoke
or tell a dirty joke

And whistling
is forbidden

We're not allowed
to tell a dirty joke

Hail, hail Freedonia

If chewing gum is chewed
the chewer is pursued

And in the hoosegow hidden

If we choose to chew
we'll be pursued

If any form of
pleasure is exhibited

Report to me and
it will be prohibited

I'll put my foot down
So shall it be

This is the land
of the free

The last man nearly
ruined this place

He didn't know
what to do with it

If you think this
country's bad off now

Just wait till
I get through with it

The country's
taxes must be fixed

And I know what
to do with it

If you think you're
paying too much now

Just wait till
I get through with it

I will not stand
for anything that's
crooked or unfair

I'm strictly
on the up and up
so everyone beware

If anyone's
caught taking graft
and I don't get my share

We stand 'em up
against the wall and
pop goes the weasel

So everyone beware
who's crooked or unfair

No one must take
a bit of graft unless
he gets his share

If any man
should come between
a husband and his bride

We find out which
one she prefers by
letting her decide

If she prefers the other man
the husband steps outside

We stand 'em up
against the wall and
pop goes the weasel

The husband steps outside,
relinquishes his bride

They stand him up
against the wall and
take away his bride

You have an appointment
at the House
of Representatives.

Good heavens!
You can't go with
your trousers up!

I can't, eh?
Well, they'll never
catch me any other way.

My car!
His Excellency's car!

His Excellency's car!

His Excellency's car!

His Excellency's car!

I'm in a hurry. To the
House of Representatives.
Ride like fury.

If you run out of gas,
get ethyl. If Ethel
runs out, get Mabel.

Now step on it!

Well, it certainly feels
good to be back again.

I have failed,
Ambassador.

I know it,
I know it, you idiot!

I'm sorry.

You have
muddled everything.

If you'd started the
revolution as I planned,
during the turmoil

I could've stepped in and
placed Freedonia under
the Sylvanian flag, our flag.

But Firefly blocked us!

Your Excellency, you
have no idea how popular
he is in Freedonia.

Oh, yes,
I've known of that, too!

That's why I have two
spies shadowing him.

I want to find out
something about him,
something to disgrace him,

to discredit him
with the people.

Ambassador, Chicolini
and Pinky are here.

Now, these
are my spies.

Show them in.
Wait outside.

We fool you good, eh?

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen,
what is this?

Shh! This is spy stuff.

Telegram
for you, sir.

Oh.

He gets mad because
he can't read.

Oh, I see.

Well, gentlemen,
we have serious
matters to discuss.

Please be seated.

Rock-a-bye...
Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Now, about
that information...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Here, have a cigar.

That's a good
quarter cigar.

I smoked the other
three-quarters myself.

Yes. No, thank you,
I have one of my own.

Here.
Try one of these!

Hey, that's no good.

That's good!
That's fine.

That's good.

Now let's concentrate.

Have you been
trailing Firefly?

Have we been
trailing Firefly?

Why, my partner,
he's got a nose
just like a bloodhound.

Really?
Yeah.

And the rest of his face
don't look so good either.

Look, we find out all
about this Firefly.

Here, look at this.
Ah, very good,
very good!

Wait a minute.
We must not
be disturbed.

Yes, sir?

This is a very
important conference.

I do not wish
to be interrupted.

Yes, sir.

Uh-uh, uh-uh!

Gentlemen, we are not
getting anywhere.

You're out!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Now gentlemen, please!

SWill you tell me
what you found out
about Firefly?

Well, you remember
you gave us a picture
of this man and said,

"Follow him"?
Oh, yes.

Well, we get on
the job right away.

And in one hour,
even less than
one hour...

Yes?

...we lose the picture.
That's a pretty
quick work, eh?

But I asked you to
dig up something I can
use against Firefly.

Did you bring
me his record?

No, no!

And the boy
gets a cigar.

Now, Chicolini, I want
a full detailed report
of your investigation.

All right, I tell you.

Monday, we watch
Firefly's house,
but he no come out.

He wasn't home.

Tuesday, we go to
the ball game, but he
fool us. He no show up.

Wednesday, he go to
the ball game, but we
fool him! We no show up.

Thursday was
a double-header,
nobody show up.

Friday, it rained all day.
There was no ball game.

So we stayed home
and we listened
to it over the radio.

Then you didn't
shadow Firefly!

Oh, sure we shadow Firefly.
We shadow him all day.

But what day
was that?
Shaderday!

That's some joke,
huh, boss?

Now, will you tell me,
what happened on Saturday?

I'm glad you asked me.

We follow this man
down to a road house.

And at this road house
he meet a married lady.

A married lady?

Yeah, I think
it was his wife.

Firefly has no wife!

No?
No!

Then you know
what I think, boss?
What?

I think we followed
the wrong man.

Oh, gentlemen,
I am disappointed.

I entrusted you with
a mission of great
importance and you failed.

However, I am going to
give you one more chance.

I have credentials here
that will get you into
any place in Freedonia.

If I can only...
Ah, here we are.

Are you sure that
you can trap Firefly?

Remember, this time
I expect results.

Goodbye
and good luck.

Okay, Cap.

Come on, Pinky.
Goodbye.

All right, the meeting's
called to order.

Your Excellency,

here's the Treasury
Department's report.

I hope you'll
find it clear.

Clear? Huh!

Why, a 4-year-old child
could understand
this report.

Run out and find me
a 4-year-old child.

I can't make head
or tail out of it.

And now, members
of the cabinet, we'll
take up old business.

I wish to
discuss the tariff.

Sit down,
that's new business.

No old business?
Very well. Then we'll
take up new business.

Now about
that tariff...
Too late!

That's old business
already. Sit down.

Gentlemen, as your
Secretary of War, I...

The Secretary of War
is out of order!

Which reminds me,
so is the plumbing.
Make a note of that.

Never mind,
I'll do it myself.

The Department of Labor
wishes to report

that the workers
of Freedonia are
demanding shorter hours.

Very well, we'll give
them shorter hours.

We'll start by
cutting their lunch
hour to 20 minutes.

And now, gentlemen,
we've got to start looking
for a new Treasurer.

But you appointed
one last week!

That's the one
I'm looking for.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
enough of this.

How about taking
up the tax?

How about taking
up the carpet?

I still insist we must
take up the tax!

He's right, you've got
to take up the tacks before
you can take up the carpet.

I give all my time and
energy to my duties
and what do I get?

You get awfully
tiresome after a while.

Sir, you try
my patience.

I don't mind if I do.
You must come over
and try mine sometime.

That's the last straw!
I resign!

I wash my hands
off the whole business.

That's a good idea.
You can wash
your neck, too.

Peanuts!

Hey, come here!

Just the guy
I wanna see.

What do you find out
about this guy Firefly?

You find out something?
You no find out something?

You spy on him?
You no spy on him?

What's the matter?
All the time I talk to you,
you no say nothing.

What's the matter,
you no speak, eh?

Stop this!
What you find, eh?
What you find?

That's no good!

Hey, come here.
You're crazy. What's
the matter with you?

Why you make
a face like this?

What's the matter
with you?

Ah, come on,
you wanna fight, huh?
You wanna fight?

Come on,
I give you fight.

Hey, upstairs this time,
no downstairs!

Come on.

What you think
you are, eh?

Hey, what's the idea
of fighting in front
of my place

and driving my
customers away?

Hey, mister, you got
a mistake someplace.

I no fight. You
understand, this guy,
he's working for me.

I ask him something,
and he no tell me nothing.

I ask him why he no speak,
all the time he no speak.

What do you
think he do?

He make fight
go like this.

Hey, what's the idea?

That's not my idea,
that's his idea.

All time I say something,
he no say nothing.

Every time I say...
Will you shut up?

Hey, listen, what
are you doing
around here?

Who are you?

Hey, can't you say...
Can't you say anything?

No! He no say
nothing, he...
Oh, shut up!

I am shut up,
but, mister,
you no understand.

Look, he's a spy
and I'm a spy.
He work for me.

I want him to find out
something but he no find
out what I wanna find out.

Now how am I gonna
find out what
I wanna find out

if he no find out
what I gotta find out?

Will you quit
annoying me?

All right, I quit.
All you gotta do is
make him stop doing this.

Oh!

Now just for that,
I'm gonna tear you limb
from limb, limb from limb!

You'd think
they'd do the same...

You see, I no say
one thing, mister,
before when you...

No, no.

Oh! Now, now
I'm gonna get you!

What are you doing?

Why, you...

I'll teach you
to kick me!

You don't have
to teach me.
I know how.

Stop it. Look out!

Oh!

That's good, eh?

Peanuts!

Hey!

You wanna be
a public nuisance?

Sure, how much
does the job pay?

I've got a good mind
to join a club and beat
you over the head with it.

Peanuts to you!

Have you got a license?
License?

No, but my dog,
he's got millions of 'em.

Believe me,
he's some smart dog.

You know, he went with
Admiral Byrd to the Pole.

I'll bet the dog
got to the Pole first.

You win.

Come on up here.
I wanna scare the cabinet.

Hello? Hello?
No, no, he's not in.

All right, I tell him.
Goodbye.

That was for you.

I'm sorry I'm not in.
I want to have
a long talk with you.

Now listen here,
you give up that
silly peanut stand

and I'll get you a
soft government job.

Now let's see,
how would you like
a job in the mint?

Mint? No, no.
I no like mint.

What other
flavor you got?

Hello? Hello?
No, not yet.

All right, I tell him.
Goodbye. Thank you.

That was
for you again.

I wonder whatever
became of me.

I should have
been back here
a long time ago.

Now listen here,
I've got a swell
job for you,

but first I have to
ask you a couple
of important questions.

Now, what is it
that has four
pair of pants,

lives in Philadelphia,

and it never rains
but it pours?

That's a good one.
I give you three guesses.

Now let me see,
has four pair of pants,
lives in Philadelphia...

Is it male or female?

No, I don't think so.

Is he dead?

Who?

I don't know.
I give up!

I give up, too.

Now I ask you
another one.

What is it got
a big black mustache,

smokes a big
black cigar,

and he's a big
pain in the neck?

Don't tell me.
Has a big
black mustache,

smokes a big
black cigar,

and is a big
pain in the...

Does he
wear glasses?

That's right.
You guess it quick.

Just for that, you
don't get the job
I was gonna give you.

What job?
Secretary of War!

All right,
I take it.
Sold!

You know, I'd be lost
without a telephone.

Hey, don't go away,
I wanna talk to you.

Now, where were we?
Oh, yes! Now that
you're Secretary of War,

what kind of an army
do you think we oughta have?

Well, I tell you
what I think.

I think we should
have a standing army.

Why should we
have a standing army?

Because then we save
money on chairs!

Peanuts!

Scat!

Say, who are
you anyway?

I don't go in much
for modern art.

Have you got
anything by one
of the Old Masters?

Not bad.

You don't happen
to have her
telephone number?

Say, you could be
a big help to me.

Where do you live?

Well, it's not
much of a place,
but it's home.

Meow!

Well, I know one thing,

I bet you haven't
got a picture
of my grandfather.

Uh-uh! Not now!

Some other time.

Your Excellency?

Quiet!

This letter's the
work of Trentino.

The man is trying
to undermine you.

Now, what are you
gonna do about it?

I've got a good
mind to ring his
doorbell and run.

We've got to get rid
of that man at once.
I've got a plan.

You say something
to make him mad
and he'll strike you!

And we'll force him
to leave the country.

That's a swell plan.
Why couldn't you arrange
for me to strike him?

Ambassador Trentino
is a very sensitive man.

Perhaps if you insult him.
He's very easy to insult.

Why, I said something to
Vera Marcal in his presence
and he slapped my face.

Why didn't Vera
slap your face?

She did.

What'd you say to her?

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Where'd you
hear that story?

You told it to me.

Oh, yes!
I remember.

I should've slapped
Mrs. Teasdale's face
when she told it to me.

Where is Trentino?

At Mrs. Teasdale's
tea party.

Was I invited?
No.

Take a letter!

"You are cordially invited
to attend my tea party."

Sign Mrs. Teasdale's name
and tell her I accept.

Come on, let's go.

I've got an
appointment to insult
Ambassador Trentino,

and I don't want to
keep him waiting!
Step on it!

This is the fifth trip
I've made today and I
haven't been anywhere yet.

You don't seem to be
making much progress
with Mrs. Teasdale, huh?

How can I? Every time
I get her in the right mood
to say "yes," Firefly pops in.

Well, this is your
opportunity. He
won't be here today.

Are you sure?

Positive!

I helped Mrs. Teasdale
with the invitations.

Oh.

His Excellency,
Rufus T. Firefly!

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the
brave and free

Gloria, I waited
for years.

I can't be put off
any longer.

I love you, I want you!
Can't you see
I'm at your feet?

When you get through
with her feet, you
can start on mine.

If that isn't an insult,
I don't know what is.

Gloria, I love you.
I realize how
lonely you are.

Can't we go someplace
where we can be
by ourselves?

What can this
mug offer you?
Wealth and family?

I can't give you wealth,
but we can have
a little family of our own.

Oh, Rufus!

All I can offer you
is a roof-us
over your head.

Your Excellency,
I really don't know
what to say.

I wouldn't know
what to say either
if I was in your place.

Maybe you can
suggest something.

As a matter of fact,
you do suggest something.
To me you suggest a baboon.

What?

I'm sorry I said that.
It isn't fair to the
rest of the baboons.

This man's conduct
is inexcusable!

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
I did not come
here to be insulted!

That's what
you think.
You swine!

Come again?
You worm!

Once more.
You upstart!

That's it!

Touche!

Mrs. Teasdale,
I'm afraid this
regrettable occurrence

may plunge our
countries into war.

Oh, this is terrible!

I've said enough.
I'm a man of few words.

I'm a man of
one word. Scram!

A man doesn't live
who can call a
Firefly an upstart.

Why, the Mayflower
was full of Fireflys,
and a few horseflies, too.

The Fireflys were
on the upper deck

and the horseflies
were on the Fireflys.

Good day, my sweet.

Oh, Your Excellency,
I must speak to you!

I'll see you at
the theater tonight.

I'll hold your seat
till you get there.

After you get there,
you're on your own.

His Excellency's car!

His Excellency's car!

No, no, you don't.
I'm not taking
any more chances.

You can only fool
a Firefly twice.

This time you ride
in the sidecar.

This is the only
way to travel.

Hey, Pinky,
come here.

Watch the stand.

Come on, Pastrami,
come on.

Oh!

Huh.

Hey!
Hey, what's...

What's the matter?

Oh.

Mrs. Teasdale.

I deeply regret the
unfortunate affair
with His Excellency,

but his attitude
left me no alternative.

Maybe we can
still avoid this
terrible war.

Oh, if we only could.

Oh, yes, I do...
Ah.

Mrs. Teasdale,
I have been recalled
by my president.

Then it's too late?

Not if His Excellency
will listen to reason.

I am prepared to pocket
my pride and forget about
the whole matter if he is.

Ambassador, that's
wonderful of you,

but I'm afraid
His Excellency
won't hear of it.

Oh, perhaps
he will listen to you.

Do you think so?

Yes, of course.

I'll call him.

I hate to disturb you,

I know you're
a very busy man,

but I must see you
at once.

Where are you? Oh.

Why not come over here?
You can come in the back way.
No one will see you.

Well, if you think of it,
bring some cheese.

But, Your Excellency,
you must come over.

It's a long story.
I can't tell it to you
over the phone.

Oh, it's that
kind of a story.

You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.

I'll be right over.

He'll be right over.

Perhaps you'd better wait
outside until I've had
a chance to talk to him.

Very well,
we'll be out here
if you want us.

Oh!

How'd you get in here?

Oh, Your Excellency,
I'm so sorry
to have to disturb you.

Will you ever
forgive me?

After I leave here tonight,
will you ever forgive me?

Here are the plans of war.

They're as valuable
as your life

and that's putting them
pretty cheap.

Watch them like a cat
watches her kittens.

Have you ever
had kittens?

No, of course not.
You're too busy running
around playing bridge.

Can't you see what
I'm trying to tell you?
I love you.

Why don't you marry me?

Why, marry you?

You take me
and I'll take a vacation.

I'll need a vacation
if we're going
to get married.

Married!

I can see you right now
in the kitchen,
bending over a hot stove,

but I can't see the stove.

Come, come!
Say the word and you'll
never see me again.

Gloria.

Rufus, what are
you thinking of?

Oh, I was just thinking
of all the years I've
wasted collecting stamps.

Oh, I suppose you'll
think me a sentimental
old fluff,

but would you mind
giving me a lock
of your hair?

A lock of my hair?

Oh, I had no idea...

I'm letting
you off easy.

I was gonna ask
for the whole wig.

So, you've come to
ask for clemency?

Your Excellency,
the Ambassador's here
on a friendly visit.

He's had a
change of heart.

A lot of good that'll do him.
He's still got the same face.

I'm sorry we
lost our tempers.

I'm willing to forget
if you are.

Forget? You ask
me to forget?

A Firefly
never forgets.

Why, my ancestors
would rise from
their graves

and I'd only have
to bury them again.

Nothing doing.

I'm going back
and clean the crackers
out of my bed.

I'm expecting company.

Please wait.
Let go of me,
you bully!

I'm willing to do anything
to prevent this war.

It's too late. I've already
paid a month's rent
on the battlefield.

Oh, Your Excellency,

isn't there something
I can do?

Yes, but I'll
talk to you
about that later.

Won't you reconsider?

Please relent,
for my sake.

Well, maybe I am
a little headstrong,

but I come
by it honestly.

My father was
a little headstrong.

My mother was
a little armstrong.

The headstrongs
married the armstrongs

and that's why
darkies were born.

It was silly of me
to lose my temper,

on account of that
little thing
you called me.

Little thing
I called you?
What did I call you?

Gosh, I don't even
remember what it was.

Well, do you
mean "worm"?

No, that wasn't it.

I know, "swine."

Uh-uh. No, it was
a seven-letter word.

Oh, yes, "upstart"!

That's it. Upstart!

Mrs. Teasdale,
this man is impossible.

This is an outrage.
My course is clear.
This means war!

Oh!
You runt!

I still like
upstart the best.

I shan't stay here
a minute longer.

Go and never darken
my towels again!

My hat!

My towel!
Oh!

I happen to know,

that Freedonia's
plans of war are in
Mrs. Teasdale's possession.

I must get
hold of them.

Yes, but how?

We have a weekend guest
in Mrs. Teasdale's house.

Miss Marcal.

Now gentlemen,
do you mind waiting
for me outside?

I'll join you
in a moment.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, I am alone.
No, not yet.

But, Vera,
we've got to work fast.

You must get hold
of those plans tonight.

Chicolini and his partner
should be there any minute.

Do everything you can
to help them.

But I must be
very careful.

There is another guest
in here for the weekend.

Firefly.

I don't know.
I think he is asleep.

Ring the bell.

Push the button.

You got the plans?

No, but they're somewhere
in the house,

and you must
find them.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
whatever you do,
don't make a sound.

If you're found,
you're lost.

Oh, you crazy,
how can I be lost
if I'm found?

Got a flashlight?

You don't know
how serious this is.

If they catch you,
you'll be court-martialed
and shot.

Oh, Vera!

I must go before
she looks for me.

Now remember,
whatever you do,
don't make a sound.

You stay here,
but keep quiet.

Remember
what she said,
if we get caught,

we're gonna get,
uh, court-plastered.

Your Excellency,
I'm worried.
I can't sleep.

What?

You're worried?
You can't sleep?

That's fine,
now you woke me up.
Now I can't sleep.

It's about those plans.

I won't rest
until they're back
in your hands.

Won't you
please come over
and get them?

Oh, the plans.
Okay, I'll be right over.

Let me out!
Let me out!

Let me
outta here!

Hey, let me outta here
or throw me a magazine.

So that's
your game, eh?

I'll huff and I'll puff
and I'll blow your door in.

Come in.

Oh, Your Excellency,
I'm so glad you've come.

I'm glad I come, too.

You got the plans?

Why, Your Excellency,
you sound so strange.

Why are you
talking like that?

Oh, well, you see, maybe
some time I go to Italy and
I'm practicing the language.

I'll see my lawyer
about this as soon as he
graduates from law school.

Your dialect
is perfect.

I could listen
to you all night.

That's all right,
but I can't stay
here all night.

Where's the plans?

They're in the safe
downstairs.

I'll write out
the combination.

Oh, there you are.

Here's the combination.

Is that clear?

Is there anything else
you want to know?

What's the matter with you?
Have you lost your voice?

Let me get you
a glass of water,
Your Excellency.

Your Excellency,
here's your water.

What in the world
is the matter with you?

Your Excellency!
I thought you left.

Oh, no,
I no leave.

But I saw you
with my own eyes.

Well, who you gonna believe,
me or your own eyes?

Oh.

Your Excellency, I'm sorry,
but this excitement's
too much for me.

I feel faint.

Wait, I get you
a glass of water.

How about my
glass of water?

I give up.
How about your
glass of water?

What's that?

Sounds to me like mice.

Mice? Mice
don't play music.

No? How about
the old maestro?

Oh.

Get me headquarters.

Not hindquarters,
headquarters.

Hello?

Rush the guards right
over to Mrs. Teasdale's

and have them
surround the house.

His Excellency,
Rufus T. Firefly.

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave
and free

Lieutenant!

Why weren't the original
indictment papers
placed on my portfolio?

Why, uh, I didn't
think those papers

were important
at this time,
Your Excellency.

You didn't think
they were important?

You realize I had
my dessert wrapped
in those papers?

Here, take this
bottle back and
get two cents for it.

Hello, boss.

Chicolini, I bet
you eight to one,
we find you guilty.

That's a no good.
I can get 10 to one
at the barbershop.

Chicolini,
you're charged
with high treason.

And if found guilty,
you'll be shot.

I object.
Oh, you object.

On what grounds?

I couldn't think of
anything else to say.

Objection sustained.

Your Excellency,
you sustained
the objection?

Sure, I couldn't
think of anything
else to say either.

Why don't you object?

Chicolini, when
were you born?

I don't remember.

I was just
a little baby.

Isn't it true you tried
to sell Freedonia's
secret war code and plans?

Sure, I sold a code
and two pair of plans.

It's some joke,
eh, boss?

Now I'll bet you 20 to one
we find you guilty.

Chicolini, have you anyone
here to defend you?

It's no use.

I even offered to pay
as high as $18,

but I no could get
somebody to defend me.

My friends,
this man's case
moves me deeply.

Look at Chicolini,

he sits there alone.

An abject figure.

I abject!

I say, look at Chicolini,
he sits there alone,

a pitiable object.

Let's see you
get out of that one.

Surrounded by a sea
of unfriendly faces.

Chicolini,
give me a number
from one to 10.

Eleven.
Right!

Now I ask you one.

What is it has a trunk,
but no key,

weighs 2,000 pounds
and lives in a circus?

That's irrelevant.

Irrelephant?
Hey, that's the answer.

There's a whole lot of
irrelephants in a circus.

That sort of testimony
we can eliminate.

That's fine,
I'll take some.

You'll take what?

A lemonade, a nice,
cold glass of lemonade.

Hey, boss,
I'm going good.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here
may talk like an idiot

and look like an idiot.

But don't let
that fool you.

He really is an idiot.

I implore you,

send him back
to his father
and brothers

who are waiting for
him with open arms
in the penitentiary.

I suggest that we give him
10 years in Leavenworth or
11 years in Twelveworth.

I tell you what I'll do.

I'll take five and 10
in Woolworth.

I wanted to get a writ
of habeas corpus,

but I should have
gotten rid
of you instead.

I object.
Even I object.

Then I object, too.

You're on trial,
you can't object.

Your Excellency,

General Cooper
says that the
Sylvanian troops

are about to land
on Freedonian soil.

This means war.

Something
must be done.

War would mean
a prohibitive
increase in our taxes.

Hey, I got an uncle
lives in Texas.

No, I'm talking about
taxes, money, dollars.

Dallas! That's where
my uncle lives,
Dallas, Texas!

More bad news.

Didn't I tell you?

Your Excellency.

What's on your
mind, babe?

In behalf of the women
of Freedonia,

I have taken it upon myself
to make one final effort
to prevent war.

No kidding?

I've talked to
Ambassador Trentino,

and he says Sylvania
doesn't want war either.

Either.
Doesn't want war either.

Either.

Skip it.

I've taken the liberty
of asking the Ambassador
to come over here.

Because we both felt that
a friendly conference would
settle everything peacefully.

He'll be here
any moment.

Mrs. Teasdale,
you did a noble deed.

I'd be unworthy of
the high trust that's
been placed in me

if I didn't do everything
within my power

to keep our beloved
Freedonia at peace
with the world.

I'd be only too happy to
meet Ambassador Trentino

and offer him
on behalf
of my country

the right hand
of good fellowship.

And I feel sure
that he will accept
this gesture

in the spirit
in which it is offered.

But suppose
he doesn't.

A fine thing
that'll be.

I hold out my hand
and he refuses
to accept it.

That'll add a lot
to my prestige,
won't it?

Me, the head of a country,
snubbed by
a foreign ambassador.

Who does he
think he is

that he can come here
and make a sap out of me
in front of all my people?

Think of it.
I hold out my hand

and that hyena
refuses to accept it.

Why the cheap
four-flushing swine.

He'll never get
away with it,
I tell you.

He'll never
get away with it!
Oh, please!

So, you refuse to shake
hands with me, eh?
Oh!

Mrs. Teasdale,
this is the last straw.
There's no turning back now!

This means war!

Then it's war!

Then it's war!
Gather the forces!

Harness the horses!

Then it's war!

Freedonia's going to war

Each native son
will grab a gun

And run away to war

At last we're going to...

Feet will beat along
the street to war

We're going to war

At last our country's
going to war

It seems our country's
going to war

At last the country's
going to war

We're going to war

This is a fact
we can't ignore

We're going to war

This is a fact
we can't ignore

We're going to war

In case you haven't
heard before

I think they think
we're going to war

I think they think
we're going to war

We're going to war

I think they think
we're going to war

We're going to war

We're going to war

We're going to war

We're going to war

To war, to war
We're finally going to war

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,
hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

To war, to war
To war we're gonna go

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,
hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,
hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,
hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,
hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

Oh-ho, oh-ho, oh-ho

Oh-ho, oh-ho, oh-ho

Oh-ho

Oh-ho

Oh-ho

They got guns

We got guns

All God's children got guns

We're gonna walk
all over the battlefield

'Cause all God's
children got guns

Oh, Freedonia
Oh, don't you cry for me

'Cause I'm coming
'round the mountain
with a banjo on my knee

Oh, Freedonia
Oh, don't you cry for me

'Cause I'm coming
'round the mountain

With a banjo

On my

Knee

To war, to war
To war we're gonna go

To war, to war, to war

To war, to war
We soon will say goodbye

Oh, how we'd cry
for Firefly
if Firefly should die

A mighty man is he

A man of brawn
who'll carry on
till dawn of victory

With him to lead the way
our spirits will not lag

Until the Judgment Day
we'll rally round the flag

The flag, the flag,
the flag

The enemy
is coming!

There'll be two lamps
in the steeple if
they're coming by land

and one if they're
coming by sea.

They double-crossed me.
They're coming
by land and sea.

Ride through every
village and town!

Wake every citizen
uphill and down!

Tell them the enemy
comes from afar.

With a hey-nonny-nonny
and a ha-cha-cha

Be off, my lad!

My husband! Quickly!
Hide in there.

Oh, don't.

Freedonia's
going to war.

I'm gonna
take a bath.

Clear all wires.

The enemy has captured
Hill 27 and 28.

Throwing 13 hillbillies
out of work.

Last night, two snipers
crept into our machine gun
nest and laid an egg.

Send reinforcements
immediately.

Send that off collect.

Your Excellency, our men
are being badly beaten
in open warfare.

I suggest we dig trenches.

Dig trenches with our men
being killed off like flies?

There isn't time
to dig trenches.

We'll buy ready-made.
Here, run out and
get some trenches.

Yes, sir.
Wait a minute,

get them this high
and our soldiers
won't need any pants.

Yes, sir.
Wait a minute,

get them this high
and we won't need
any soldiers.

Yes, sir.

Chicolini, your partner's
deserted us, but I'm still
counting on you.

There's a machine gun
nest near Hill 28.
I want it cleaned out.

All right,
I'll tell the janitor.

Message from
the front, sir.

Oh, I'm sick of messages
from the front.

Don't we ever
get a message
from the side?

What is it?
General Smith
reports a gas attack.

He wants to know
what to do.

Tell him to take
a teaspoonful
of bicarbonate soda

and a half
a glass of water.

Yes, sir.

Any answer to
that message?
No, sir.

Well, in that case,
don't send that.

Gentlemen, this is
the last straw.

Where's my Stradivarius?
Here, sir.

I'll show them
they can't fiddle around
with old Firefly.

Look at them run.
Now they know
they've been in a war.

Your Excellency!

They're fleeing
like rats.

But, sir,
I've got to tell...

Remind me to give myself
the Firefly Medal for this.

Your Excellency,
you're shooting
your own men.

What?
You're shooting
your own men!

Here's $5.
Keep it under your hat.

Never mind.
I'll keep it
under my hat.

Now we've got to have
more men or we're lost.

Don't be alarmed,
I've got a man combing the
countryside for volunteers.

Your Excellency, the
army's morale is crumbling.
The men are breaking ranks.

Where's the
Secretary of War?

That's it! Where is
the Secretary of War?

The soldiers are
waiting for his orders.

His Excellency,
the Secretary of War.

Awfully decent of you
to drop in today.

You realize our army is
facing disastrous defeat?

What do you intend
to do about it?
I've done it already.

You've done what?
I've changed
to the other side.

So you're on the
other side, eh?

Well, what are you
doing over here?

Well, the food is
better over here.

Chicolini, I need you
badly right now.

What'll you take
to come back and
work for me again?

I'll take a vacation.

Good, you're hired.

Now, go out in that
battlefield and lead
those men to victory.

Go on, they're
waiting for you.

I wouldn't go out there
unless I was in one
of those big iron things

that go up and down
like this. What do you
call those things?

Tanks.
You're welcome.

Your Excellency,
you must come
over here at once.

There's danger here.

Why don't you come over here?
There's no danger here.

Shh!
Rufus.

Oh!

Wait a minute, I want
to find out something.

Just as I thought,
the coast is clear.

Rufus!

Chicolini, to your post!

Oh!

Remember, you're fighting
for this woman's honor

which is probably
more than she ever did.

Your Excellency!

There goes my gun.
Run out and get that
like a good girl.

Oh, I'm afraid!

We can't last
much longer.

Our ammunition supplies
are very low.

Man the boats,
Lieutenant!
I'll get help.

Calling all nations!
Calling all nations!

This is Rufus T...

This is Rufus T. Firefly,
coming to you through
the courtesy of the enemy.

We're in a mess, folks!
We're in a mess!

Rush to Freedonia.
Three men and one woman
are trapped in a building.

Send help at once.

If you can't send help,
send two more women.

Make it three more women.

Your Excellency, we can't
hold out much longer.
We must have help.

One of us has got
to break through
the lines

and get word
to General Cooper
and his men.

Quiet back there!

Which one of us is gonna
have the rare privilege

of sacrificing his life
for his country?

We draw lots.
Wait! I got it.

Ringspot! Vonza, twoza,
zig-zag-zav, popti, vinaga,
tin-li-tav.

Harem-scarem,
merchan-tarem,
teir, tore...

I did it wrong.
Wait, wait, wait,
I start here.

Ringspot! Vonza, twoza,
zig-zag-zav, popti, vinaga,
tin-li-tav.

Harem-scarem,
merchan-tarem,
teir, tore...

That's no good, too.

Oh, I got it.
I got it.

Ringspot! Buck!

You're a brave man.
Go and break
through the lines!

And remember, while you're
out there risking life and
limb through shot and shell,

we'll be in here
thinking what
a sucker you are.

Goodbye, Mont Blanc,
goodbye.

For Freedonia!
For Freedonia!

For Freedonia!

Gloria! Gloria!

Where did they get you?

Oh!

Hey, careful with the water.
It's the only water we got.

Well, it's the only
woman we got.

We're surrounded!
They're attacking
from the rear.

They're coming this way.

We'll barricade the door.

This is Firefly talking!
Send help at once!

Help is on the way!

Carry on, men!
Help is on the way!

They got me.

They got me.

Water!

Water!

- Get me out of this!
- Get me out of this!

The last time
this happened to me
I was crawling under a bed.

Oh, if help
would only come.

Your Excellency!

Any mail for me
while I was gone?

Oh, don't touch me!
Get away from me!

Oh!

Oh!

Hey, Trentino!

Trentino, eh?
That's game.

Trentino!
Trentino, eh?

Call me an upstart, eh?

I surrender! I surrender!

I'm sorry, you'll
have to wait until
the fruit runs out.

Victory is ours!

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave