Duck Soup (1933) - full transcript

The country of Freedonia is in the middle of a financial crisis and on the brink of revolution. In order to gain a bail-out from the wealthy Mrs Teasdale, the government appoints Rufus T Firefly as its president. However, Mr Firefly shuns the pomp and pretentiousness of government; along with the prudence and rationality of it too. Meanwhile, the neighbouring country of Sylvania is plotting to overthrow Freedonia and sends Pinky and Chicolini to spy on Firefly. War seems inevitable.

Mrs. Teasdale.

Yes, Your Excellency?

I again ask you

to reconsider.

Gentlemen,

I've already

loaned Freedonia

more than half

the fortune my

husband left me.

I consider

that money lost.

And now, you're asking

for another $20 million.

But it would only be

for a few months to meet

this present emergency.

With $20 million

in the treasury,

we can announce

an immediate

reduction in the taxes.

That's all that

the people

are asking for.

I'm sorry, but

I'm inclined to agree

with the people.

The government

has been mismanaged.

What?

I will lend the money

but only on condition

that His Excellency withdraw

and place

the government

in new hands.

You ask me

to give up

my office?

Yes, Your Excellency.

In a crisis like this,

I feel Freedonia

needs a new leader,

a progressive,

fearless fighter!

A man like

Rufus T. Firefly!

Rufus T. Firefly?

I will lend

the money

to Freedonia

only if Firefly is

appointed leader.

The Honorable Secretary

of Finance and Party.

His Excellency,

Ambassador Trentino

of Sylvania.

Ambassador.

Mrs. Teasdale.

It was so good

of you to come.

I'm anxious for you

to meet the new

leader of our country.

No matter who

rules in Freedonia,

Mrs. Teasdale,

to me, you will

always be the first

lady of the land.

Oh, permit me.

This is

Miss Vera Marcal.

Ambassador Trentino.

Miss Marcal needs

no introduction,

I've seen her

dance many times

at the theater.

Thank you.

The Honorable

Pandooh of Mufhtan.

I must greet

His Honor.

What have you

found out?

Nothing.

I've been waiting

to hear from you.

I've given up the

idea of a revolution.

I have a better plan.

Oh, yes?

I can gain control of

Freedonia much easier by

marrying Mrs. Teasdale.

Maybe

that's not going

to be so easy.

Eh?

Oh, from what I hear.

You see, Mrs. Teasdale

is rather sweet on

this Rufus T. Firefly.

Oh, well, that's

where you come in.

I'm going

to place him

in your hands.

And I don't have to

tell you what to do

or how to... Careful.

I want you to meet

His Excellency's

Secretary, Bob Roland.

Ambassador Trentino.

How do you do, sir?

Miss Marcal.

We've met.

Of course.

Well, I hope

His Excellency

gets here soon.

His Excellency

makes it a point

always to be on time.

As long as I've known

him, he's never been

late for an appointment.

His Excellency is due

to take his station

Beginning his new

administration

He'll make his

appearance when

The clock on the

wall strikes 10:00

When the clock on

the wall strikes 10:00

All you loyal ladies

and you patriotic men

Let's sing the

national anthem when

The clock on

the wall strikes 10:00

His Excellency is due

to take his station

Beginning his new

administration

He'll make his

appearance when

The clock on the

wall strikes 10:00

We'll give him

a rousing cheer

To show him

we're glad he's here

Hail, hail Freedonia

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave

And free

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave

and free

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave

and free

You expecting

somebody?

Yes.

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave

and free

Oh, Your Excellency,

we've been expecting you.

As Chairwoman of the

Reception Committee,

I extend the good wishes

of every man, woman

and child of Freedonia.

Never mind that

stuff. Take a card.

Card? What'll I do

with a card?

You can keep it.

I've got 51 left.

Now what

were you saying?

As Chairwoman of the

Reception Committee,

I welcome you

with open arms.

Is that so? How late

do you stay open?

I've sponsored

your appointment

because I feel you are

the most able statesman

in all Freedonia.

Well, that covers

a lot of ground.

Say, you cover a lot

of ground yourself.

You'd better beat it.

I hear they're gonna

tear you down

and put up an

office building

where you're standing.

You can leave in a taxi.

If you can't get a taxi,

you can leave in a huff.

If that's too soon,

you can leave in

a minute and a huff.

You know, you haven't

stopped talking

since I came here.

You must have

been vaccinated with

a phonograph needle.

The future

of Freedonia

rests on you.

Promise me you'll

follow in the footsteps

of my husband.

How do you like that?

I haven't been on

the job five minutes

and already she's

making advances to me.

Not that I care,

but where is

your husband?

Why, he's dead.

I'll bet he's

just using that

as an excuse.

I was with him

till the very end.

Hmm! No wonder

he passed away.

I held him

in my arms

and kissed him.

Oh, I see.

Then it was murder.

Will you marry me?

Did he leave you

any money?

Answer the second

question first.

He left me his

entire fortune.

Is that so?

Can't you see what

I'm trying to tell you?

I love you.

Oh, Your Excellency!

You're not

so bad yourself.

Oh, I want to

present to you

Ambassador Trentino

of Sylvania.

Having him with

us today is indeed

a great pleasure.

Thank you,

but I can't

stay very long.

That's even a

greater pleasure.

Now, how about lending

this country $20 million,

you old skinflint?

$20 million is

a lot of money.

I'd have to take

that up with my

Minister of Finance.

Well, in the meantime,

could you let me

have $12 until payday?

$12?

Don't be scared.

You'll get it back.

I'll give you

my personal note

for 90 days.

If it isn't paid by then,

you can keep the note.

Your Excellency,

haven't we seen each

other somewhere before?

I don't think so. I'm not

sure I'm seeing you now.

Must be something I ate.

Look here, sir!

Are you trying to...

Don't look now,

but there's one man

too many in this room,

and I think it's you.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I want you to meet

a very charming lady.

And it's about time.

Just a moment.

I want to present

Miss Vera Marcal.

Go ahead.

I can take it.

Oh, you

don't understand.

This is Vera Marcal,

the famous dancer.

Is that so?

Can you do this one?

I danced

before Napoleon.

No, Napoleon

danced before me.

In fact, he danced

200 years before me.

Here's one I picked

up in a dance hall.

Here's another

one I picked up

in a dance hall.

Perhaps sometime

we get a chance to

dance together, huh?

I could dance with you

till the cows come home.

Yeah?

On second thought,

I'd rather dance with the

cows till you come home.

Where is

my secretary?

Here I am.

Good heavens,

Your Excellency!

Uh, take a letter.

Who to?

To my dentist.

"Dear dentist, enclosed

find check for $500.

Yours very truly."

Send it off immediately!

I'll have to enclose

the check first.

You do and I'll fire you.

Your Excellency,

the eyes of the world

are upon you.

Notables from every

country are gathered

here in your honor.

This is a gala

day for you.

Well, a gal a day

is enough for me.

I don't think

I could handle

anymore.

If it's not

asking too much...

For our information,

just for illustration

Tell us how you intend

to run the nation

These are the laws

of my administration

No one's allowed to smoke

or tell a dirty joke

And whistling

is forbidden

We're not allowed

to tell a dirty joke

Hail, hail Freedonia

If chewing gum is chewed

the chewer is pursued

And in the hoosegow hidden

If we choose to chew

we'll be pursued

If any form of

pleasure is exhibited

Report to me and

it will be prohibited

I'll put my foot down

So shall it be

This is the land

of the free

The last man nearly

ruined this place

He didn't know

what to do with it

If you think this

country's bad off now

Just wait till

I get through with it

The country's

taxes must be fixed

And I know what

to do with it

If you think you're

paying too much now

Just wait till

I get through with it

I will not stand

for anything that's

crooked or unfair

I'm strictly

on the up and up

so everyone beware

If anyone's

caught taking graft

and I don't get my share

We stand 'em up

against the wall and

pop goes the weasel

So everyone beware

who's crooked or unfair

No one must take

a bit of graft unless

he gets his share

If any man

should come between

a husband and his bride

We find out which

one she prefers by

letting her decide

If she prefers the other man

the husband steps outside

We stand 'em up

against the wall and

pop goes the weasel

The husband steps outside,

relinquishes his bride

They stand him up

against the wall and

take away his bride

You have an appointment

at the House

of Representatives.

Good heavens!

You can't go with

your trousers up!

I can't, eh?

Well, they'll never

catch me any other way.

My car!

His Excellency's car!

His Excellency's car!

His Excellency's car!

His Excellency's car!

I'm in a hurry. To the

House of Representatives.

Ride like fury.

If you run out of gas,

get ethyl. If Ethel

runs out, get Mabel.

Now step on it!

Well, it certainly feels

good to be back again.

I have failed,

Ambassador.

I know it,

I know it, you idiot!

I'm sorry.

You have

muddled everything.

If you'd started the

revolution as I planned,

during the turmoil

I could've stepped in and

placed Freedonia under

the Sylvanian flag, our flag.

But Firefly blocked us!

Your Excellency, you

have no idea how popular

he is in Freedonia.

Oh, yes,

I've known of that, too!

That's why I have two

spies shadowing him.

I want to find out

something about him,

something to disgrace him,

to discredit him

with the people.

Ambassador, Chicolini

and Pinky are here.

Now, these

are my spies.

Show them in.

Wait outside.

We fool you good, eh?

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen,

what is this?

Shh! This is spy stuff.

Telegram

for you, sir.

Oh.

He gets mad because

he can't read.

Oh, I see.

Well, gentlemen,

we have serious

matters to discuss.

Please be seated.

Rock-a-bye...

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Now, about

that information...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here, have a cigar.

That's a good

quarter cigar.

I smoked the other

three-quarters myself.

Yes. No, thank you,

I have one of my own.

Here.

Try one of these!

Hey, that's no good.

That's good!

That's fine.

That's good.

Now let's concentrate.

Have you been

trailing Firefly?

Have we been

trailing Firefly?

Why, my partner,

he's got a nose

just like a bloodhound.

Really?

Yeah.

And the rest of his face

don't look so good either.

Look, we find out all

about this Firefly.

Here, look at this.

Ah, very good,

very good!

Wait a minute.

We must not

be disturbed.

Yes, sir?

This is a very

important conference.

I do not wish

to be interrupted.

Yes, sir.

Uh-uh, uh-uh!

Gentlemen, we are not

getting anywhere.

You're out!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Now gentlemen, please!

SWill you tell me

what you found out

about Firefly?

Well, you remember

you gave us a picture

of this man and said,

"Follow him"?

Oh, yes.

Well, we get on

the job right away.

And in one hour,

even less than

one hour...

Yes?

...we lose the picture.

That's a pretty

quick work, eh?

But I asked you to

dig up something I can

use against Firefly.

Did you bring

me his record?

No, no!

And the boy

gets a cigar.

Now, Chicolini, I want

a full detailed report

of your investigation.

All right, I tell you.

Monday, we watch

Firefly's house,

but he no come out.

He wasn't home.

Tuesday, we go to

the ball game, but he

fool us. He no show up.

Wednesday, he go to

the ball game, but we

fool him! We no show up.

Thursday was

a double-header,

nobody show up.

Friday, it rained all day.

There was no ball game.

So we stayed home

and we listened

to it over the radio.

Then you didn't

shadow Firefly!

Oh, sure we shadow Firefly.

We shadow him all day.

But what day

was that?

Shaderday!

That's some joke,

huh, boss?

Now, will you tell me,

what happened on Saturday?

I'm glad you asked me.

We follow this man

down to a road house.

And at this road house

he meet a married lady.

A married lady?

Yeah, I think

it was his wife.

Firefly has no wife!

No?

No!

Then you know

what I think, boss?

What?

I think we followed

the wrong man.

Oh, gentlemen,

I am disappointed.

I entrusted you with

a mission of great

importance and you failed.

However, I am going to

give you one more chance.

I have credentials here

that will get you into

any place in Freedonia.

If I can only...

Ah, here we are.

Are you sure that

you can trap Firefly?

Remember, this time

I expect results.

Goodbye

and good luck.

Okay, Cap.

Come on, Pinky.

Goodbye.

All right, the meeting's

called to order.

Your Excellency,

here's the Treasury

Department's report.

I hope you'll

find it clear.

Clear? Huh!

Why, a 4-year-old child

could understand

this report.

Run out and find me

a 4-year-old child.

I can't make head

or tail out of it.

And now, members

of the cabinet, we'll

take up old business.

I wish to

discuss the tariff.

Sit down,

that's new business.

No old business?

Very well. Then we'll

take up new business.

Now about

that tariff...

Too late!

That's old business

already. Sit down.

Gentlemen, as your

Secretary of War, I...

The Secretary of War

is out of order!

Which reminds me,

so is the plumbing.

Make a note of that.

Never mind,

I'll do it myself.

The Department of Labor

wishes to report

that the workers

of Freedonia are

demanding shorter hours.

Very well, we'll give

them shorter hours.

We'll start by

cutting their lunch

hour to 20 minutes.

And now, gentlemen,

we've got to start looking

for a new Treasurer.

But you appointed

one last week!

That's the one

I'm looking for.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

enough of this.

How about taking

up the tax?

How about taking

up the carpet?

I still insist we must

take up the tax!

He's right, you've got

to take up the tacks before

you can take up the carpet.

I give all my time and

energy to my duties

and what do I get?

You get awfully

tiresome after a while.

Sir, you try

my patience.

I don't mind if I do.

You must come over

and try mine sometime.

That's the last straw!

I resign!

I wash my hands

off the whole business.

That's a good idea.

You can wash

your neck, too.

Peanuts!

Hey, come here!

Just the guy

I wanna see.

What do you find out

about this guy Firefly?

You find out something?

You no find out something?

You spy on him?

You no spy on him?

What's the matter?

All the time I talk to you,

you no say nothing.

What's the matter,

you no speak, eh?

Stop this!

What you find, eh?

What you find?

That's no good!

Hey, come here.

You're crazy. What's

the matter with you?

Why you make

a face like this?

What's the matter

with you?

Ah, come on,

you wanna fight, huh?

You wanna fight?

Come on,

I give you fight.

Hey, upstairs this time,

no downstairs!

Come on.

What you think

you are, eh?

Hey, what's the idea

of fighting in front

of my place

and driving my

customers away?

Hey, mister, you got

a mistake someplace.

I no fight. You

understand, this guy,

he's working for me.

I ask him something,

and he no tell me nothing.

I ask him why he no speak,

all the time he no speak.

What do you

think he do?

He make fight

go like this.

Hey, what's the idea?

That's not my idea,

that's his idea.

All time I say something,

he no say nothing.

Every time I say...

Will you shut up?

Hey, listen, what

are you doing

around here?

Who are you?

Hey, can't you say...

Can't you say anything?

No! He no say

nothing, he...

Oh, shut up!

I am shut up,

but, mister,

you no understand.

Look, he's a spy

and I'm a spy.

He work for me.

I want him to find out

something but he no find

out what I wanna find out.

Now how am I gonna

find out what

I wanna find out

if he no find out

what I gotta find out?

Will you quit

annoying me?

All right, I quit.

All you gotta do is

make him stop doing this.

Oh!

Now just for that,

I'm gonna tear you limb

from limb, limb from limb!

You'd think

they'd do the same...

You see, I no say

one thing, mister,

before when you...

No, no.

Oh! Now, now

I'm gonna get you!

What are you doing?

Why, you...

I'll teach you

to kick me!

You don't have

to teach me.

I know how.

Stop it. Look out!

Oh!

That's good, eh?

Peanuts!

Hey!

You wanna be

a public nuisance?

Sure, how much

does the job pay?

I've got a good mind

to join a club and beat

you over the head with it.

Peanuts to you!

Have you got a license?

License?

No, but my dog,

he's got millions of 'em.

Believe me,

he's some smart dog.

You know, he went with

Admiral Byrd to the Pole.

I'll bet the dog

got to the Pole first.

You win.

Come on up here.

I wanna scare the cabinet.

Hello? Hello?

No, no, he's not in.

All right, I tell him.

Goodbye.

That was for you.

I'm sorry I'm not in.

I want to have

a long talk with you.

Now listen here,

you give up that

silly peanut stand

and I'll get you a

soft government job.

Now let's see,

how would you like

a job in the mint?

Mint? No, no.

I no like mint.

What other

flavor you got?

Hello? Hello?

No, not yet.

All right, I tell him.

Goodbye. Thank you.

That was

for you again.

I wonder whatever

became of me.

I should have

been back here

a long time ago.

Now listen here,

I've got a swell

job for you,

but first I have to

ask you a couple

of important questions.

Now, what is it

that has four

pair of pants,

lives in Philadelphia,

and it never rains

but it pours?

That's a good one.

I give you three guesses.

Now let me see,

has four pair of pants,

lives in Philadelphia...

Is it male or female?

No, I don't think so.

Is he dead?

Who?

I don't know.

I give up!

I give up, too.

Now I ask you

another one.

What is it got

a big black mustache,

smokes a big

black cigar,

and he's a big

pain in the neck?

Don't tell me.

Has a big

black mustache,

smokes a big

black cigar,

and is a big

pain in the...

Does he

wear glasses?

That's right.

You guess it quick.

Just for that, you

don't get the job

I was gonna give you.

What job?

Secretary of War!

All right,

I take it.

Sold!

You know, I'd be lost

without a telephone.

Hey, don't go away,

I wanna talk to you.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes! Now that

you're Secretary of War,

what kind of an army

do you think we oughta have?

Well, I tell you

what I think.

I think we should

have a standing army.

Why should we

have a standing army?

Because then we save

money on chairs!

Peanuts!

Scat!

Say, who are

you anyway?

I don't go in much

for modern art.

Have you got

anything by one

of the Old Masters?

Not bad.

You don't happen

to have her

telephone number?

Say, you could be

a big help to me.

Where do you live?

Well, it's not

much of a place,

but it's home.

Meow!

Well, I know one thing,

I bet you haven't

got a picture

of my grandfather.

Uh-uh! Not now!

Some other time.

Your Excellency?

Quiet!

This letter's the

work of Trentino.

The man is trying

to undermine you.

Now, what are you

gonna do about it?

I've got a good

mind to ring his

doorbell and run.

We've got to get rid

of that man at once.

I've got a plan.

You say something

to make him mad

and he'll strike you!

And we'll force him

to leave the country.

That's a swell plan.

Why couldn't you arrange

for me to strike him?

Ambassador Trentino

is a very sensitive man.

Perhaps if you insult him.

He's very easy to insult.

Why, I said something to

Vera Marcal in his presence

and he slapped my face.

Why didn't Vera

slap your face?

She did.

What'd you say to her?

You ought to be

ashamed of yourself.

Where'd you

hear that story?

You told it to me.

Oh, yes!

I remember.

I should've slapped

Mrs. Teasdale's face

when she told it to me.

Where is Trentino?

At Mrs. Teasdale's

tea party.

Was I invited?

No.

Take a letter!

"You are cordially invited

to attend my tea party."

Sign Mrs. Teasdale's name

and tell her I accept.

Come on, let's go.

I've got an

appointment to insult

Ambassador Trentino,

and I don't want to

keep him waiting!

Step on it!

This is the fifth trip

I've made today and I

haven't been anywhere yet.

You don't seem to be

making much progress

with Mrs. Teasdale, huh?

How can I? Every time

I get her in the right mood

to say "yes," Firefly pops in.

Well, this is your

opportunity. He

won't be here today.

Are you sure?

Positive!

I helped Mrs. Teasdale

with the invitations.

Oh.

His Excellency,

Rufus T. Firefly!

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the

brave and free

Gloria, I waited

for years.

I can't be put off

any longer.

I love you, I want you!

Can't you see

I'm at your feet?

When you get through

with her feet, you

can start on mine.

If that isn't an insult,

I don't know what is.

Gloria, I love you.

I realize how

lonely you are.

Can't we go someplace

where we can be

by ourselves?

What can this

mug offer you?

Wealth and family?

I can't give you wealth,

but we can have

a little family of our own.

Oh, Rufus!

All I can offer you

is a roof-us

over your head.

Your Excellency,

I really don't know

what to say.

I wouldn't know

what to say either

if I was in your place.

Maybe you can

suggest something.

As a matter of fact,

you do suggest something.

To me you suggest a baboon.

What?

I'm sorry I said that.

It isn't fair to the

rest of the baboons.

This man's conduct

is inexcusable!

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

I did not come

here to be insulted!

That's what

you think.

You swine!

Come again?

You worm!

Once more.

You upstart!

That's it!

Touche!

Mrs. Teasdale,

I'm afraid this

regrettable occurrence

may plunge our

countries into war.

Oh, this is terrible!

I've said enough.

I'm a man of few words.

I'm a man of

one word. Scram!

A man doesn't live

who can call a

Firefly an upstart.

Why, the Mayflower

was full of Fireflys,

and a few horseflies, too.

The Fireflys were

on the upper deck

and the horseflies

were on the Fireflys.

Good day, my sweet.

Oh, Your Excellency,

I must speak to you!

I'll see you at

the theater tonight.

I'll hold your seat

till you get there.

After you get there,

you're on your own.

His Excellency's car!

His Excellency's car!

No, no, you don't.

I'm not taking

any more chances.

You can only fool

a Firefly twice.

This time you ride

in the sidecar.

This is the only

way to travel.

Hey, Pinky,

come here.

Watch the stand.

Come on, Pastrami,

come on.

Oh!

Huh.

Hey!

Hey, what's...

What's the matter?

Oh.

Mrs. Teasdale.

I deeply regret the

unfortunate affair

with His Excellency,

but his attitude

left me no alternative.

Maybe we can

still avoid this

terrible war.

Oh, if we only could.

Oh, yes, I do...

Ah.

Mrs. Teasdale,

I have been recalled

by my president.

Then it's too late?

Not if His Excellency

will listen to reason.

I am prepared to pocket

my pride and forget about

the whole matter if he is.

Ambassador, that's

wonderful of you,

but I'm afraid

His Excellency

won't hear of it.

Oh, perhaps

he will listen to you.

Do you think so?

Yes, of course.

I'll call him.

I hate to disturb you,

I know you're

a very busy man,

but I must see you

at once.

Where are you? Oh.

Why not come over here?

You can come in the back way.

No one will see you.

Well, if you think of it,

bring some cheese.

But, Your Excellency,

you must come over.

It's a long story.

I can't tell it to you

over the phone.

Oh, it's that

kind of a story.

You ought to be ashamed

of yourself.

I'll be right over.

He'll be right over.

Perhaps you'd better wait

outside until I've had

a chance to talk to him.

Very well,

we'll be out here

if you want us.

Oh!

How'd you get in here?

Oh, Your Excellency,

I'm so sorry

to have to disturb you.

Will you ever

forgive me?

After I leave here tonight,

will you ever forgive me?

Here are the plans of war.

They're as valuable

as your life

and that's putting them

pretty cheap.

Watch them like a cat

watches her kittens.

Have you ever

had kittens?

No, of course not.

You're too busy running

around playing bridge.

Can't you see what

I'm trying to tell you?

I love you.

Why don't you marry me?

Why, marry you?

You take me

and I'll take a vacation.

I'll need a vacation

if we're going

to get married.

Married!

I can see you right now

in the kitchen,

bending over a hot stove,

but I can't see the stove.

Come, come!

Say the word and you'll

never see me again.

Gloria.

Rufus, what are

you thinking of?

Oh, I was just thinking

of all the years I've

wasted collecting stamps.

Oh, I suppose you'll

think me a sentimental

old fluff,

but would you mind

giving me a lock

of your hair?

A lock of my hair?

Oh, I had no idea...

I'm letting

you off easy.

I was gonna ask

for the whole wig.

So, you've come to

ask for clemency?

Your Excellency,

the Ambassador's here

on a friendly visit.

He's had a

change of heart.

A lot of good that'll do him.

He's still got the same face.

I'm sorry we

lost our tempers.

I'm willing to forget

if you are.

Forget? You ask

me to forget?

A Firefly

never forgets.

Why, my ancestors

would rise from

their graves

and I'd only have

to bury them again.

Nothing doing.

I'm going back

and clean the crackers

out of my bed.

I'm expecting company.

Please wait.

Let go of me,

you bully!

I'm willing to do anything

to prevent this war.

It's too late. I've already

paid a month's rent

on the battlefield.

Oh, Your Excellency,

isn't there something

I can do?

Yes, but I'll

talk to you

about that later.

Won't you reconsider?

Please relent,

for my sake.

Well, maybe I am

a little headstrong,

but I come

by it honestly.

My father was

a little headstrong.

My mother was

a little armstrong.

The headstrongs

married the armstrongs

and that's why

darkies were born.

It was silly of me

to lose my temper,

on account of that

little thing

you called me.

Little thing

I called you?

What did I call you?

Gosh, I don't even

remember what it was.

Well, do you

mean "worm"?

No, that wasn't it.

I know, "swine."

Uh-uh. No, it was

a seven-letter word.

Oh, yes, "upstart"!

That's it. Upstart!

Mrs. Teasdale,

this man is impossible.

This is an outrage.

My course is clear.

This means war!

Oh!

You runt!

I still like

upstart the best.

I shan't stay here

a minute longer.

Go and never darken

my towels again!

My hat!

My towel!

Oh!

I happen to know,

that Freedonia's

plans of war are in

Mrs. Teasdale's possession.

I must get

hold of them.

Yes, but how?

We have a weekend guest

in Mrs. Teasdale's house.

Miss Marcal.

Now gentlemen,

do you mind waiting

for me outside?

I'll join you

in a moment.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, I am alone.

No, not yet.

But, Vera,

we've got to work fast.

You must get hold

of those plans tonight.

Chicolini and his partner

should be there any minute.

Do everything you can

to help them.

But I must be

very careful.

There is another guest

in here for the weekend.

Firefly.

I don't know.

I think he is asleep.

Ring the bell.

Push the button.

You got the plans?

No, but they're somewhere

in the house,

and you must

find them.

Oh, for heaven's sake,

whatever you do,

don't make a sound.

If you're found,

you're lost.

Oh, you crazy,

how can I be lost

if I'm found?

Got a flashlight?

You don't know

how serious this is.

If they catch you,

you'll be court-martialed

and shot.

Oh, Vera!

I must go before

she looks for me.

Now remember,

whatever you do,

don't make a sound.

You stay here,

but keep quiet.

Remember

what she said,

if we get caught,

we're gonna get,

uh, court-plastered.

Your Excellency,

I'm worried.

I can't sleep.

What?

You're worried?

You can't sleep?

That's fine,

now you woke me up.

Now I can't sleep.

It's about those plans.

I won't rest

until they're back

in your hands.

Won't you

please come over

and get them?

Oh, the plans.

Okay, I'll be right over.

Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me

outta here!

Hey, let me outta here

or throw me a magazine.

So that's

your game, eh?

I'll huff and I'll puff

and I'll blow your door in.

Come in.

Oh, Your Excellency,

I'm so glad you've come.

I'm glad I come, too.

You got the plans?

Why, Your Excellency,

you sound so strange.

Why are you

talking like that?

Oh, well, you see, maybe

some time I go to Italy and

I'm practicing the language.

I'll see my lawyer

about this as soon as he

graduates from law school.

Your dialect

is perfect.

I could listen

to you all night.

That's all right,

but I can't stay

here all night.

Where's the plans?

They're in the safe

downstairs.

I'll write out

the combination.

Oh, there you are.

Here's the combination.

Is that clear?

Is there anything else

you want to know?

What's the matter with you?

Have you lost your voice?

Let me get you

a glass of water,

Your Excellency.

Your Excellency,

here's your water.

What in the world

is the matter with you?

Your Excellency!

I thought you left.

Oh, no,

I no leave.

But I saw you

with my own eyes.

Well, who you gonna believe,

me or your own eyes?

Oh.

Your Excellency, I'm sorry,

but this excitement's

too much for me.

I feel faint.

Wait, I get you

a glass of water.

How about my

glass of water?

I give up.

How about your

glass of water?

What's that?

Sounds to me like mice.

Mice? Mice

don't play music.

No? How about

the old maestro?

Oh.

Get me headquarters.

Not hindquarters,

headquarters.

Hello?

Rush the guards right

over to Mrs. Teasdale's

and have them

surround the house.

His Excellency,

Rufus T. Firefly.

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave

and free

Lieutenant!

Why weren't the original

indictment papers

placed on my portfolio?

Why, uh, I didn't

think those papers

were important

at this time,

Your Excellency.

You didn't think

they were important?

You realize I had

my dessert wrapped

in those papers?

Here, take this

bottle back and

get two cents for it.

Hello, boss.

Chicolini, I bet

you eight to one,

we find you guilty.

That's a no good.

I can get 10 to one

at the barbershop.

Chicolini,

you're charged

with high treason.

And if found guilty,

you'll be shot.

I object.

Oh, you object.

On what grounds?

I couldn't think of

anything else to say.

Objection sustained.

Your Excellency,

you sustained

the objection?

Sure, I couldn't

think of anything

else to say either.

Why don't you object?

Chicolini, when

were you born?

I don't remember.

I was just

a little baby.

Isn't it true you tried

to sell Freedonia's

secret war code and plans?

Sure, I sold a code

and two pair of plans.

It's some joke,

eh, boss?

Now I'll bet you 20 to one

we find you guilty.

Chicolini, have you anyone

here to defend you?

It's no use.

I even offered to pay

as high as $18,

but I no could get

somebody to defend me.

My friends,

this man's case

moves me deeply.

Look at Chicolini,

he sits there alone.

An abject figure.

I abject!

I say, look at Chicolini,

he sits there alone,

a pitiable object.

Let's see you

get out of that one.

Surrounded by a sea

of unfriendly faces.

Chicolini,

give me a number

from one to 10.

Eleven.

Right!

Now I ask you one.

What is it has a trunk,

but no key,

weighs 2,000 pounds

and lives in a circus?

That's irrelevant.

Irrelephant?

Hey, that's the answer.

There's a whole lot of

irrelephants in a circus.

That sort of testimony

we can eliminate.

That's fine,

I'll take some.

You'll take what?

A lemonade, a nice,

cold glass of lemonade.

Hey, boss,

I'm going good.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here

may talk like an idiot

and look like an idiot.

But don't let

that fool you.

He really is an idiot.

I implore you,

send him back

to his father

and brothers

who are waiting for

him with open arms

in the penitentiary.

I suggest that we give him

10 years in Leavenworth or

11 years in Twelveworth.

I tell you what I'll do.

I'll take five and 10

in Woolworth.

I wanted to get a writ

of habeas corpus,

but I should have

gotten rid

of you instead.

I object.

Even I object.

Then I object, too.

You're on trial,

you can't object.

Your Excellency,

General Cooper

says that the

Sylvanian troops

are about to land

on Freedonian soil.

This means war.

Something

must be done.

War would mean

a prohibitive

increase in our taxes.

Hey, I got an uncle

lives in Texas.

No, I'm talking about

taxes, money, dollars.

Dallas! That's where

my uncle lives,

Dallas, Texas!

More bad news.

Didn't I tell you?

Your Excellency.

What's on your

mind, babe?

In behalf of the women

of Freedonia,

I have taken it upon myself

to make one final effort

to prevent war.

No kidding?

I've talked to

Ambassador Trentino,

and he says Sylvania

doesn't want war either.

Either.

Doesn't want war either.

Either.

Skip it.

I've taken the liberty

of asking the Ambassador

to come over here.

Because we both felt that

a friendly conference would

settle everything peacefully.

He'll be here

any moment.

Mrs. Teasdale,

you did a noble deed.

I'd be unworthy of

the high trust that's

been placed in me

if I didn't do everything

within my power

to keep our beloved

Freedonia at peace

with the world.

I'd be only too happy to

meet Ambassador Trentino

and offer him

on behalf

of my country

the right hand

of good fellowship.

And I feel sure

that he will accept

this gesture

in the spirit

in which it is offered.

But suppose

he doesn't.

A fine thing

that'll be.

I hold out my hand

and he refuses

to accept it.

That'll add a lot

to my prestige,

won't it?

Me, the head of a country,

snubbed by

a foreign ambassador.

Who does he

think he is

that he can come here

and make a sap out of me

in front of all my people?

Think of it.

I hold out my hand

and that hyena

refuses to accept it.

Why the cheap

four-flushing swine.

He'll never get

away with it,

I tell you.

He'll never

get away with it!

Oh, please!

So, you refuse to shake

hands with me, eh?

Oh!

Mrs. Teasdale,

this is the last straw.

There's no turning back now!

This means war!

Then it's war!

Then it's war!

Gather the forces!

Harness the horses!

Then it's war!

Freedonia's going to war

Each native son

will grab a gun

And run away to war

At last we're going to...

Feet will beat along

the street to war

We're going to war

At last our country's

going to war

It seems our country's

going to war

At last the country's

going to war

We're going to war

This is a fact

we can't ignore

We're going to war

This is a fact

we can't ignore

We're going to war

In case you haven't

heard before

I think they think

we're going to war

I think they think

we're going to war

We're going to war

I think they think

we're going to war

We're going to war

We're going to war

We're going to war

We're going to war

To war, to war

We're finally going to war

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,

hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

To war, to war

To war we're gonna go

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,

hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,

hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,

hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de,

hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

Oh-ho, oh-ho, oh-ho

Oh-ho, oh-ho, oh-ho

Oh-ho

Oh-ho

Oh-ho

They got guns

We got guns

All God's children got guns

We're gonna walk

all over the battlefield

'Cause all God's

children got guns

Oh, Freedonia

Oh, don't you cry for me

'Cause I'm coming

'round the mountain

with a banjo on my knee

Oh, Freedonia

Oh, don't you cry for me

'Cause I'm coming

'round the mountain

With a banjo

On my

Knee

To war, to war

To war we're gonna go

To war, to war, to war

To war, to war

We soon will say goodbye

Oh, how we'd cry

for Firefly

if Firefly should die

A mighty man is he

A man of brawn

who'll carry on

till dawn of victory

With him to lead the way

our spirits will not lag

Until the Judgment Day

we'll rally round the flag

The flag, the flag,

the flag

The enemy

is coming!

There'll be two lamps

in the steeple if

they're coming by land

and one if they're

coming by sea.

They double-crossed me.

They're coming

by land and sea.

Ride through every

village and town!

Wake every citizen

uphill and down!

Tell them the enemy

comes from afar.

With a hey-nonny-nonny

and a ha-cha-cha

Be off, my lad!

My husband! Quickly!

Hide in there.

Oh, don't.

Freedonia's

going to war.

I'm gonna

take a bath.

Clear all wires.

The enemy has captured

Hill 27 and 28.

Throwing 13 hillbillies

out of work.

Last night, two snipers

crept into our machine gun

nest and laid an egg.

Send reinforcements

immediately.

Send that off collect.

Your Excellency, our men

are being badly beaten

in open warfare.

I suggest we dig trenches.

Dig trenches with our men

being killed off like flies?

There isn't time

to dig trenches.

We'll buy ready-made.

Here, run out and

get some trenches.

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute,

get them this high

and our soldiers

won't need any pants.

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute,

get them this high

and we won't need

any soldiers.

Yes, sir.

Chicolini, your partner's

deserted us, but I'm still

counting on you.

There's a machine gun

nest near Hill 28.

I want it cleaned out.

All right,

I'll tell the janitor.

Message from

the front, sir.

Oh, I'm sick of messages

from the front.

Don't we ever

get a message

from the side?

What is it?

General Smith

reports a gas attack.

He wants to know

what to do.

Tell him to take

a teaspoonful

of bicarbonate soda

and a half

a glass of water.

Yes, sir.

Any answer to

that message?

No, sir.

Well, in that case,

don't send that.

Gentlemen, this is

the last straw.

Where's my Stradivarius?

Here, sir.

I'll show them

they can't fiddle around

with old Firefly.

Look at them run.

Now they know

they've been in a war.

Your Excellency!

They're fleeing

like rats.

But, sir,

I've got to tell...

Remind me to give myself

the Firefly Medal for this.

Your Excellency,

you're shooting

your own men.

What?

You're shooting

your own men!

Here's $5.

Keep it under your hat.

Never mind.

I'll keep it

under my hat.

Now we've got to have

more men or we're lost.

Don't be alarmed,

I've got a man combing the

countryside for volunteers.

Your Excellency, the

army's morale is crumbling.

The men are breaking ranks.

Where's the

Secretary of War?

That's it! Where is

the Secretary of War?

The soldiers are

waiting for his orders.

His Excellency,

the Secretary of War.

Awfully decent of you

to drop in today.

You realize our army is

facing disastrous defeat?

What do you intend

to do about it?

I've done it already.

You've done what?

I've changed

to the other side.

So you're on the

other side, eh?

Well, what are you

doing over here?

Well, the food is

better over here.

Chicolini, I need you

badly right now.

What'll you take

to come back and

work for me again?

I'll take a vacation.

Good, you're hired.

Now, go out in that

battlefield and lead

those men to victory.

Go on, they're

waiting for you.

I wouldn't go out there

unless I was in one

of those big iron things

that go up and down

like this. What do you

call those things?

Tanks.

You're welcome.

Your Excellency,

you must come

over here at once.

There's danger here.

Why don't you come over here?

There's no danger here.

Shh!

Rufus.

Oh!

Wait a minute, I want

to find out something.

Just as I thought,

the coast is clear.

Rufus!

Chicolini, to your post!

Oh!

Remember, you're fighting

for this woman's honor

which is probably

more than she ever did.

Your Excellency!

There goes my gun.

Run out and get that

like a good girl.

Oh, I'm afraid!

We can't last

much longer.

Our ammunition supplies

are very low.

Man the boats,

Lieutenant!

I'll get help.

Calling all nations!

Calling all nations!

This is Rufus T...

This is Rufus T. Firefly,

coming to you through

the courtesy of the enemy.

We're in a mess, folks!

We're in a mess!

Rush to Freedonia.

Three men and one woman

are trapped in a building.

Send help at once.

If you can't send help,

send two more women.

Make it three more women.

Your Excellency, we can't

hold out much longer.

We must have help.

One of us has got

to break through

the lines

and get word

to General Cooper

and his men.

Quiet back there!

Which one of us is gonna

have the rare privilege

of sacrificing his life

for his country?

We draw lots.

Wait! I got it.

Ringspot! Vonza, twoza,

zig-zag-zav, popti, vinaga,

tin-li-tav.

Harem-scarem,

merchan-tarem,

teir, tore...

I did it wrong.

Wait, wait, wait,

I start here.

Ringspot! Vonza, twoza,

zig-zag-zav, popti, vinaga,

tin-li-tav.

Harem-scarem,

merchan-tarem,

teir, tore...

That's no good, too.

Oh, I got it.

I got it.

Ringspot! Buck!

You're a brave man.

Go and break

through the lines!

And remember, while you're

out there risking life and

limb through shot and shell,

we'll be in here

thinking what

a sucker you are.

Goodbye, Mont Blanc,

goodbye.

For Freedonia!

For Freedonia!

For Freedonia!

Gloria! Gloria!

Where did they get you?

Oh!

Hey, careful with the water.

It's the only water we got.

Well, it's the only

woman we got.

We're surrounded!

They're attacking

from the rear.

They're coming this way.

We'll barricade the door.

This is Firefly talking!

Send help at once!

Help is on the way!

Carry on, men!

Help is on the way!

They got me.

They got me.

Water!

Water!

- Get me out of this!

- Get me out of this!

The last time

this happened to me

I was crawling under a bed.

Oh, if help

would only come.

Your Excellency!

Any mail for me

while I was gone?

Oh, don't touch me!

Get away from me!

Oh!

Oh!

Hey, Trentino!

Trentino, eh?

That's game.

Trentino!

Trentino, eh?

Call me an upstart, eh?

I surrender! I surrender!

I'm sorry, you'll

have to wait until

the fruit runs out.

Victory is ours!

Hail, hail Freedonia

Land of the brave