Drunk on Love (2015) - full transcript

Comedy that takes the audience on a pub crawl around the seaside town of Hastings with its ensemble of fun and kooky characters as they tackle everyday life.

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
[bell ringing]

♪ I need a breakthrough

♪ I need some answers

♪ I need some breakfast

♪ I need some chances

♪ I hate you

♪ Don't really hate you

♪ And I castrate you

♪ For heaven's sake

♪ You know

♪ For we see the red sky

♪ Face my longest night

♪ Glory on my left side

♪ And sensation on my right

♪ I just want you

♪ You

♪ You

♪ I get the feeling

- [Voiceover] This is Brady,
lucky old bastard that he is.


As you can see, little bit
of a devil with the ladies,

and sometimes, like this
moment here, in fact,

I really, really
hate the bastard.

- Morning, baby.
Did you sleep okay?

- Fine, thanks.

- You were fantastic last night.

- Oh, thank you.

I'm Brady, by the way.

[happy, carefree music]

- [Voiceover] This is Fred.

She shares a house with Brady.

Fred's a very cool
girl, no messing.

She doesn't eat salads.

She drinks pints.

She swears a lot.

Sort of a good-looking bloke.

- [laughs] You silly cunt.

- [Voiceover] Yep, even C word.

- Thought you'd like a
big 'un in your hand.

- Well even I've got a
bigger dick than you.

See you later.

- [Voiceover] She's always had
a bit of a thing for the sea,

so she's often around the world.

Pretty soon is leaving time.

I'll miss her. Be like
losing a little brother.

[flute music]

Now this is Angus.


You've probably
guessed: he's a student.

- Excuse me.

- [Luke] All that's missing
is the traffic cone.

He also shares a
house with Brady,


and we became mates.


- God, please, stop the pain.

Stop it, and I swear
I'll never drink again.

Here, you.

There, sorry, got
it in your eye.

He truly is a poor
excuse for a human being,

but he's a bloody good laugh.



- Oh, mystical and
sacred ball of vision,

show me.

Show me the future.

- [Voiceover] I know
what you're thinking.

Ariel really believes
all that bollocks.

- Let I see, what shall be.

- [Voiceover] She and
Fred are best friends.

She likes to think
that she's a psychic.

- Well show me something.

Show me bloody anything, you
cheap, fake piece of crap.


- Whoa, whoa, wait.

- When will I have some power?

- You will when you're meant to.

You've got to stick with it.

- Can you be any more specific?

- Feel the energy,

and believe.

- Thanks, Aury.


- Yes, Ariel?

- Can you turn around?

I need to get changed.

- I know that.

♪ How

♪ Do you get by?

- [Voiceover] Yeah,
that sad, lonely,

bad-breath motherfucker is me.

Hey, don't feel sorry for me,

not just yet.

There is so much more to come.

I've been paid to
write a horror novel,

but I literally lost the plot.

To think of a genius
ending that would make

Clive Barker literally
shit his pants,

I can't stop
thinking about my ex.

Yeah, that's her, Jennifer.

I was totally in love with her.

I really should change
my desktop picture.

- Morning, love.

You fancy a cuppa?

- No, thanks.

- How's the book going?

- It's not.

I've been kind of distracted.

- Aw.

You'll find someone else.

- Oh please don't say that.

I'll find someone else.

It wasn't meant to be.

There's plenty more
fish in the sea.

I'll find someone better.

- I know you think
your life is over,

but you're wrong.

When your father died,
I was just the same.

- Well, that's a
bit different, mum.

- I suppose, but...

I thought I'd never
meet anyone else,

never have sex ever again.

Your father was my first.

I never knew anything different,

but after he died,

I tried all sorts.

- Mum.

- Big ones,

small ones,

crooked ones,

oral, anal--

- Jesus, Mom!

- Oh come on, we're both adult.

- Never speak to me about
that stuff again, please.

I've got to get
on with some work.

- All I'm saying
is go out there.

Have some fun,

and always give oral.

Maybe that's why
Jennifer left you.

- [Luke] Shut up!

[fast dance music]

[singing in foreign language]

- So what do you think?

For movies and X Factor?

I've been thinking about us now,

being a new couple and stuff.

- I wouldn't really
call us a couple.

- I just think since
it's Valentine's Day,

we should go to see
your parents, you know,

to introduce me.

- It's Valentine's Day?


- And to think, every year,

our anniversary will
be on Valentine's Day.

- I have to go.

- Now?

- Right now.

- Are you sure?

[dramatic music]

- Move it. Move it.

Move it. [groans]

Move it.

I'll take this one.

- Watch the fucking dish.

- [Angus] Watch my fucking toes.

Eat sandal.


♪ I will get shoes on

♪ Hairy mounts

♪ Lift me up and down like
I got something more ♪

- Will you be mine today?

Be good to daddy.

♪ She had a little joke

♪ Now it seems all fine

♪ Now we'll never be all free

♪ Rather be a goddamned freak

♪ Rather be a freak and

♪ Feel like you

♪ I'd rather, rather be a freak

♪ Rather be a goddamned freak

♪ Rather be a freak and

♪ Feel like you




♪ Rather be a freak

♪ Than be like you

- What the fuck am I thinking?

- I knew it.

- What?

- You little devil.

Finally going to 'fess
up about your lust?

- Bad idea?

- Have a little fling
before shipping off

like some horny soldier.

What's wrong with that?

- What if I want
more than a fling?

- Have you tried it on before?

- No, that would be weird.

We grew up together.

He's like my brother, kind of.

- Trust in the stars, I did.

That's how I found my soulmate.

- Who lives thousands
of miles away.

- Thousands of miles means
nothing when you have love.


- Late again?

- Lateness is a perception
that time is linear

and the space-time continuum
cannot be deconstructed.

What is that fishy smell?

Have you converted her?

Lays of people.

- Where's Brady?

- [Angus] Take a guess.

- Fucking dick.

- Penis.

That's all men are,

just walking, fucking penii.

Just a penis with
two balls for legs.

[lively music]


- Too nice.


Too gay.


- Now that's not bad, but...

- Luke.

- I'm busy,

and I don't need to hear
any more of your advice.

- You know, it's
Valentine's Day.

I was wondering, why don't
you give Jennifer a call?

Take her out to
dinner or something.

- It's over, mum. She dumped me.

- Maybe it's not you.

I was at a party
the other night,

and there was this woman there.

You know, I've never had any
interest in women before,

but I really felt quite--

- Get out.

- Oh, don't be such a prude.

Must get it from your father.

[bright jazzy music]

[door slams]


- Oh, decided to
come home, did we?

- Make me some coffee?

- Make it yourself,
you walking penis.

- [Brady] What's wrong with you?

- Hey, happy Valentine's day.

- Hello. See you later, Ariel.

Should go get some fresh air.

Something smells rotten in here.

- What is wrong with you two?

- It couldn't have anything
to do with your brains

being located in your scrotum.

Fred's not in a good mood.

- My God, you really
are a phenomenon.

Did she get any cards?

- Not the one she wanted.

Your post is on the
table, Cassanova.

[folksy rock music]

[telephone ringing]

- Good morning, Smith and
Stars, Jeremy speaking.

How can I help you?

- [Brady] Jeri? It's Brady.

- It is Jeremy. Jer-eh-mee.

Why have you not
called in sick again?

- Is the boss man there?

- [Jeremy] No,
he's in a meeting.

Probably about sacking your ass.

What is it this time, chlamydia?

- Tell him I have
a pain in the ass.

- I'll tell you what you've got,

anal AIDS in your ass,

that's what you've got.

- Nice talking to you, Jeri.


[bright dance music]

♪ [mumbles]

♪ The water verging in my eyes

♪ If you want to see how epic is

♪ The electric adrenaline

♪ Tell me what the
fuck a dream's for

♪ Have to fuck a lot
for heaven's door


♪ Pop your pop can

♪ And a beer

- Yeah!

♪ In a chimney

♪ Reach high Ohio

♪ Since you're intent
on like a Welling gun.

♪ Hand on your heart

♪ After we run

♪ I'm going through with Russell

♪ Yeah, I got
lightning in a bottle

♪ I know you can't love me

♪ I'm boundless sanity

♪ I'm going through with Russell

♪ Yeah, I got
lightning in a bottle

♪ No, you can't stop me.

♪ I'm boundless sanity


- Ah, Angus. Morning.

- Music, take it off.

- I can't hear
what you just said.

I'll turn off the music, okay.

- Morning, Angus.

- I still can't hear you.

- I'm just fu- I'm
messing around.

- Yeah. Tell me, what are your
thoughts on today's subject.

- Ah, it was brilliant.

- Is about?

- Yeah, it was
brilliant, superb,

like [grunts] best like,

it's really... up
there, you know,

pushing the roof.

- Yeah, and what
is today's subject?

- Don't know.

But don't worry,
I've got faith in you

because you're so good.

- Yeah, well, perhaps
if you'd have graced us

with your presence yesterday,

you might know it?

- Yeah, I had to take
my nan to the hospital.

She wasn't well,
not well at all.

I don't think she's going to
make it home for Christmas.

- Well, I'm very
sorry to hear that.

- We put the baubles on the
tree, we used to do that.

- I'm sorry, yeah.

Well, today we're studying
paranoia in social situations.

- Why do you always
say that to me?

- Ah, good one.

- Yeah, thanks.

Look, can I go and get a coffee,

because I need to get one
and have a dump before class.

- Okay, well, remember
the essay's soon--


♪ You bounce off me

♪ I'm boundless energy

- To skip you having to
see and read the letter,

or, you know,

us getting Sir Ian McKellen to
read the whole fucking thing

out to you,

I'll give you the gist.

It's from the publisher,

telling me that my book
is very, very late,

and unless I give them
the completed manuscript

very, very soon,

then they want the
advance they paid me back,

which, seeing as I've spent it,

in a nutshell, means
I'm very, very fucked.

To Luke

Happy Valentine's day.

Love, Mum.



- Hi, Brady.

I'm Betty, and
I've got big boobs.

[text ding]

[text ding]

[text ding]

[text ding]

[text ding]

[text ding]

[text ding]

[text ding]


[text ding]

[text ding]


- Were you here to see me?

- I'm afraid not, Mrs. Sharp.

- Aww, I was hoping you
were here to give me

my Valentine present.

- Mrs. Sharp, are you
trying to seduce me?

- Always.

Well, don't just
stand there, come in.

- Is Luke around?

- He's in the kitchen.

Don't I get a kiss
for Valentine's Day?

- So you made it, then.

- Just about.

- I'm off out, love,
I'll see you later.


- No, Mom.

- Go on, take it.

Go down to the
arcade or something.

- Well, I'm not twelve,

but wooh! Thanks, mum.

- Happy Valentine's.

- Thanks, Mrs. Sharp.

- Ms.

Ms. Sharp

- I think your mum fancies me.

- You want some muesli?

- Muesli? I didn't come all
this way for hamster food.

Grab your coat.

- Where we going?

- Follow me.

- What would you like, boys?

- Porridge. Two.

- Oy, Martin, two heart attacks.

- The English breakfast.

Oh, beautiful, isn't it?

This feast will usually consist

of sausage, bacon, eggs, beans,

fried bread, fried tomatoes.

That's for the healthy aspect.

All right, it's not the
healthiest way to start the day,

but you're not going
to live forever.

- Great British cuisine.

- I wonder how far you have
to jog to work that off?

- What's the point of
eating if you're just going

to exercise after?

I better get down
to the library.

- Hey.

- What?

- I'm bunking off.

You can't just go
running off to a library

to do some work.

- I've got to finish my book.

- Do it tomorrow.

- No, no, there are
people relying on me

to finish this novel.

- Well, all I'm saying is you
don't have to do it right now.

- What we going to do instead?

- It's pretty
awesome to think that

we're only thirty of miles away

from millions of French people.

You can almost smell the cheese.

- You still blocked?

- No, had a good
one this morning.

- The book.

- I stare at the screen, but
I can't seem to press the keys

in the right order.

Rest of the book's fine.

It's actually pretty good,

but since Jen dumped me,

I've just dried up.

- Like a nun's hooch on Monday.

- [Luke] I should just
give up, get a real job.

- Bollocks.

- Look at me. I'm
almost middle-aged.

- You're twenty-seven.

- I live with my mum.

I'm unemployed, no
girlfriend, no money.

I need money, my own money.

- You make it
sound like you have

the worst life in the world.

Look at me, I work.

I'm a fucking
insurance salesman.

I sit behind a desk all day

and chat to people who
don't want to speak to me.

Then talk them into buying
insurance they don't need

and really can't afford.

What kind of a
fucking job is that?

- One that pays the rent.

- What's the point of
working nine to five,

Monday through Friday,

and accomplishing nothing?

You're writing a book.

You're doing something
for yourself.

At the end of the day,

everything that I do is for
somebody else's benefit.

So why not do what
you really want to do?

- What, drawing?
That's just a dream.

- Stop calling it a dream.

Call it an ambition.

If I can get paid to write,

you can get paid to draw.

Draw what?

- You could illustrate my book.

- You can't finish
that book, remember?

- Did Brady say anything?

- Not really.

- Don't you think
you're cutting it close?

- I wish I was like you.

You know what you want.

- Are you shitting me?

- I'm a mess.

I don't know what to believe.

- I thought you
believed in everything.

- Yeah, well,

I'm having a kind of
a crisis of faith.

All this stuff seemed right.

I thought it had
all the answers,

but I'm not so sure.

- And Yogi?

- Well, he's in freaking
India, isn't he?

There's only so much
masturbation I can handle,

tantric or not.

- Thought I was confused.

- You are confused.

- So you'll become a
Hindu or something?

- No.

[scoffs] I don't know.

That's the point.

- What does Yogi
say about all this?


- Something fucking spiritual.

- Do you love him?

- Yogi doesn't believe in love,

not as the Western
mind understands it.

- What do you believe in?

- I believe, sometimes you
just have to re-evaluate

and say fuck it.

- So you think I
should say fuck it

and just go for it with Brady?

- Well, that's not
for me to say, is it?

But if you don't,

I can always teach you
some tantric masturbation.


- Do you ever think,
what if I jumped?


- I do.

I wonder, what if Luke jumped?

- Seriously, what
difference would it make?

- Well, Angus would
then be my best mate,

which would be shit.

- What about Jennifer?

- What if you pushed her off?

- Would she care?

Would she give a shit?

- Of course she would.

She loved you.

- Ah, see? Loved.

Past tense.

Would she cry? Would she?

- Do you want her to cry?

- Fuck yeah, I want her to cry.

I want her to be sad.
I want her heartbroken.

I want her to sleep on my
coffin, to weep on my grave.

- It's getting a little
bit weird, now, mate.

- Oh, you wouldn't understand.

- Why?

- Well, you're hardly--

forgive me,

deep, when it comes
to relationships.

- I've had tons
of relationships.

- I don't count tromboning
as a relationship.

- I've had girlfriends.

- Yeah, but you hardly
loved any of them.

- How would you know?

- Well, when you're in
love, you're fulfilled.

That person becomes
a part of you.

They become the reason
that you breathe.

They make you feel
like you're the person

you always wanted to be.

- And you just became the
gayest man in England.

- Have you ever said I love you?

- Well, I thought it
might scare you off,

but I love you.

- I don't need any
more weird stuff today.

- [laughs] What?

- What's that?

Is that from Jen?

- Take a look.


- Wow! Love, mum.

Wow, that, that is fucked up.

- That could scar
someone for life.

- Your mummy's pretty hot.

- Seriously!

- You are way too
serious today, man.

I'm trying to take the day off,

and you're acting like
Julia Fucking Roberts.

- All right.

So how was last night?

- Well, this feels wrong.

- What?

- We're sitting on a clifftop.

This isn't the right place
for this kind of conversation.

There's only one place
for this kind of chat.

- The pub, that great
bastion of British tradition,

a place to meet,

socialize, discuss politics,

and current affairs,

or to tell jokes, get pissed,

rant about football,

and argue for three hours about
who's the best James Bond.

I think the answer to that
is pretty fucking clear.

It's a symbol of all that is
great in this fair Britain.

God bless the pub.

- [Swerve] Morning, lads.

- Morning, Swerve.

- [Swerve] Bit early for
you two today, isn't it?

- Not today, it's not.

- The usual.

- Yeah, thanks. That was quick.

- [Swerve] I read your mind.

What's the matter
with you today?

- He got a Valentine's
day card from his mum.

- Oy!

I've got writer's block.

- Writer, eh?

- Yeah.

- What sort of writer?

- Novels.

- Well, you're the next
Jeffrey Archer, are you?

- God, I hope not.

No, mine's about a man hunted

by the demons from a
parallel dimension.

- Nah, don't like
all of that stuff.

I prefer a bit of
erotic fiction, myself.

- So you two coming
to the party tonight?

- Well, I'll see
how depressed I am.

- You want to move on.

She obviously has.

He's a bit sensitive, there.

- Ah, you know,
love and all that.

- I prefer a bit
of dogging, myself.

[disgusted sigh]

[ominous music]

- What you looking at?

- Nothing.

To our lives.

- Tp going nowhere fast.

- So now we're in our
comfortable seats,

tell me about last night.

- A gentlemen never tells,

but me, not being one, would,

except I really don't remember.

- What, no memory
of mind-blowing sex?

- I don't even
remember pulling her.

- Ah, that's because you didn't.

- She came after me.

- Like a velociraptor.

- All I know is, I
woke up this morning

in a strange bed with a girl--

- A sex crazy, nympho girl.

- A sex, crazy nympho girl
riding me like a palamino.

- You got laid in your sleep?

- I know, cheeky bitch.

- I can think of worse
ways to be woken up.

- I can see how you
might think that.

- What, sexy girl...

- She was pretty sexy.

- Great body.

- Ah, some people might
think it was a good body.

- Then what can you be
possibly upset about?

- Well, she was pretty crazy.

- You put up with a bit
of crazy for some sex.

- It's not all about sex.

- You are kidding.

This is you. It's
all about the sex.

- I just didn't
want to be with her.

- Wait, wait, wait.

You didn't want to be,

for one night,

with a sex crazy blond nympho?

- No.

I'm sick of it.

All the girls, all the
one-night stands...

- The brilliant sex...

- It's meaningless.

I don't love any of those girls.

I don't want to spend the
rest of my life waking up

in strange beds with
girls I hardly know

whose names I can't remember.

- I am not getting your point.

- I've fallen in
love with someone.


I'm fucking serious.

- What are you talking about?

- I've fallen in love.

- [laughs] Seriously?

- Totally.

- Oh, Jesus, you're serious.

With who?

It's not Jennifer?

Fuck, no, no.

- What's wrong with Jennifer?

- Uh, it's Fred.

- Come on, seriously.
Who is it, really?

- It's Fred.

- You're in love with Fred?

- Why is that so
hard to believe?

- What, you've known each
other since you were kids.

That's a bit inbred.

- Fuck off.

- She's leaving soon.

What are you going
to do about that?

- I don't know.

I wanted to tell
her this morning,

but then I go and end up
sleeping with another woman.

- God, that's such an easy
mistake to make, isn't it?

I've done that twice
myself this morning.

- With your mum?

- Why in a million
years would she feel

the same way about me?

- Because he's kind,
sweet, funny, charming...

- Handsome.

- Very bloody handsome.

- I bet he can go
for hours, too.

- I don't know why,
but I just love him.

- Then you have to tell him.

- What I'd really like
to know is who invented

this Monday to Friday
thing, you know?

Who was the bloke
who first decided

we need to spend five
days doing things

we don't want to
do to earn money,

so we can spend two days

doing what we really want to
be doing the other five days,

present company
excluded, of course.

- It's just one of
those things, isn't it?

I mean, who makes
these rules up?

Who decided what
food is all right

to eat for breakfast?

Why can we have eggs,
sausages, and cereal,

and not burger,
pizza, and a curry?

- It's bollocks, you know?

- Why do you never
see a chicken omelet?

- Yeah.

We're just brought up
with it, aren't we?

It's passed down through the
generations like penis size

or webbed feet or
webbed penises...?

- Now, you really need
to get back out there.

- Ah, can we not talk about
my life of loneliness,

abstinence and despair?

- What else are we
going to talk about?

I'm not going to
spend all afternoon

listening to you
talk about your ex.

You need to look to the
future, not the past.

- It was so good
at the beginning.

- It always is.

That's one of those girl games.

They listen to you, tell
you how nice you are,

that their last
boyfriend was a bastard.

- I got that one.

- And then they sense
they've got you believing

they like you for
who you really are,

and then bam!

Suddenly they want
to change you to

who they really like.

Now they start
choosing your clothes.

They buy you the
cologne they like.

So they never really liked you.

They were just trying
to see how easy

it would be to mold you.

- Jennifer did keep
suggesting I get a real job.

- And you fought her well.

- And what happened?

- She couldn't mold you
into who she really wanted.

I mean, haven't you ever
noticed the strange way

all girls seem to have the
same DVDs in their collection?

- You'll always find Pretty
Woman, Dirty Dancing.

- [Luke] Ghost.

- And there's always
a fucking fitness DVD

you've never seen her use.

- Yes, that's spooky.

Maybe they're not
really DVDs inside.

Maybe they're like
instructional tapes somehow

to control us.

- It would be the safest place.

They know we're not going
to ask to borrow any of them

to watch with the lads.

Kind of like how
we hide our porn.

- I kept mine in a
Driller Killer case.

- Yeah, Zombie Flesh Eaters.

- Hello, lover.

- Talk of the bloody devil.

- I came to see my
Valentine sweetheart.

- Well, if I see
him, I'll warn him.

- So what have you
planned for us tonight?

- A trip to the psychiatrist.

- I thought I'd make a romantic
dinner for two tonight.

- Oh, I hope you're hungry.

- I'm going to make
something for us special.

- Suzy, it's over.

- No, no.

- That is one fucked up Fatal
Attraction, Basic Instinct,

Hand that Rocks the
fucking Cradle looney!

- I told you.

- Right body though.

Very nubile.

- Right, another one?

- No, I can't, I've got
to finish this book.

- Hello. Hello, Luke.

Hello pretty young girl.

Hello piece of paper with
a phone number written on.

What's going on?

Nothing, I am bang
on track loser.

This is just an
optical illusion.

- See I told you, man.

Was it that difficult?

- No, it was remarkably
easy, actually,

especially when she asked if
I could give you her number.

- What?

- She asked me

to give you her number.

So you manged to pull
her through proxy.

- Well, I don't want it.

- Oh, that's right.
You're in love.

So tear it up.

- No problem.

- Come on, then, tear it up.

- I will.

- Go on, then.

- Ah, I see, I knew
you couldn't do it.

[dramatic orchestral music]

- Done.

- I'm impressed.

- I feel good.

I feel alive.

I'm the king of the world.

- Smile for the camera.

What's that face for?

I could swear to
god you just said,

"I feel like the
king of the world."

- I'm sick. I don't
know what I'm saying.

- What are you looking at?

You know, I'm not
a complete idiot.

- No, not completely. Almost.

- We'll see who's laughing
when I send this picture

to the boss man.

- You really are a sniveling,
burnout little shit.

- You must be Luke.

- Yeah, yeah. You
must be Jeri, Jeri.

- No, it's Jeremy,

and I'll see you bright
and early tomorrow morning.

If you're leaving, bye.

- What are you going to do?

- Get a drink.

- No, I can't.

- Luke, don't give me that shit

about going to the library.

This is an emergency.

- Then let's go get wasted.

Who're you calling?

- Reinforcements.

[phone ringing]

- [Voiceover] Angus!

- Yeah, yeah, yo! Shoot.


Yeah, I understand.

Yeah, I'll be, I'll
be, I'll be there.

All right, I'm off.

Laters, people.

- Angus, this is not
a social media network

where you can log off
and on at will, you know.

There are scheduled hours here.

- Like prison?

Or work?

Personally I come here
to get away from work

and prison.

We're students, meant to rebel.

We got to have time
off for the hangovers

and the cool-downs.

We need time and space.

We need to chill.

- Just get the fuck out.

- I'll always remain,

underground [mumbles].

[phone ringing]

- Oh, that's... [mumbles].

That's unhygienic.

- Are you going to answer that?

- My bills are fine.

I haven't had an accident
in the last six months.

I don't want to change
my energy supplier.

I don't want to upgrade
my mobile phone,

and I don't want to
attend your seminar,

not even for a free toaster.

Have I missed anything?


It's Luke.

Says he and Brady are going
to spend the afternoon

on a pub crawl,

and are kindly asking if
we'd like to join them.

- Fuck it. Why not?

I could do with a few pints.

- I think we'll meet you later.

- What the hell
are you looking at?

- I'm going through
Angus's history.

I believe this site's
called GILFs are Us.

- I know they say to
respect your elders,

but that is going too far.

- Since when did a ten-inch
dildo spell respect?

[upbeat music]

- Wankers!

- [Brady] Hello, sweet top.


- That is a mate.

No fuss, no waiting.

- I hope we didn't drag you away

from anything important, buddy.

- Nah, my balls fell out again,

and I think I did something
wrong to a piece of cod.

How was your day?

- Possibly the
shittiest day ever.

- I'll drink to that.

Let's drink these up
and gab more, shall we?

- Come on, guys.

- That one's a bit gassy.


- It's making me
cry a little bit.


Whew, I'm not even
finishing that.

- I'm not leaving mine.

- Come on, they're bitter.

- Bitter moment.


You fucking pussy.

- Right. How many girls
have you slept with?

- Oh, I knew you'd
ask this question.

Not as many as you, you slut.

- And I want to hear names.

- All right, you first.

- No, I asked you.

- So?

- Yeah, so?

- All right.

I'll try to remember.

Um, okay [clears throat].







- Brittany

- Yeehaw!

- [Brady] Cat



- What am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do?

- [Brady] Diane

- Oh, well done.

- Edith

- [Edith] Fuck me!

- All right.

- I was only on the Es.

- Yeah, but we get the point.

- All right, then,
come on, how many?


- Yeah, that's
really good, babe.

Love it.

[apple crunching]

- That's stupid.

- You have to answer.

- What about you?

- I only do the D, K, Ps.

- Like who?

- There was Denise.

- Are you sure
that's fully erect?

- [Angus] There was Kayley.

- Hurry up, babes, I've
got to get back to school.

- Paulina.

[dog panting]

I'm not sure she even counts.

- All right, one.

I slept with one girl.

- Who is it?

- What do you mean, who was it?

Including Jennifer, of course.

- You slept with one
including Jennifer?

- Yeah.

- That's fucking tragic.

- What do you mean?

We were together for five years.

- That means you
were a virgin until--


- All right, just get
the fucking drinks.

It's your round, Angus.

- I got these.

- I got these.

- I got the ones before.

- Fuck you.

- Say it again.

You were a virgin until
you were twenty-two.

- Just please get
the fucking drinks.

- Hey, you know what?

Forget about it, man.

In some ways, I'm jealous.

- In what ways?

- Okay, in no ways.

But you know what? So what.

So it's not a top score.

I've lost interest and
had to fake orgasms

to get away early.


- What are you talking about?

Men can't fake an orgasm.

- Yeah, of course we can.

- How do you fake an orgasm?

- You know, you just act.

- Bullshit.

[clears throat]


- Yeah, yeah there.


There, there.

Oh, all day, yeah.


Nearly, nearly, nearly, oh yeah.

Yeah, oh, oh, oh yes!


I'm hearing

angels sing!

Just like your sister!


- I'll have three pints
of what he's having.


- Was tense with
mostly wide eyes.

It's not big ...
it's not clever.

[Brady groans]

- [Angus] Here we go!

Round and round again.


- [Luke] Now this is the
tough part of the whole day.

This is where you start lagging.

You feel a bit tired.

You consider going home

and crashing in front of the
TV for the rest of the night,

but you can't.

You've spent too much
time, effort, and money

into getting this wrecked.

It's gonna be a
shame to waste it.

- [Luke] I gotta pee.

- [Brady] Guys, I think
I need to go to work.

- [Angus] What?
You're joking, Romeo.

- I'll catch you [mumbles].

- I've really got to pee.

- What, shall I
wait here, should I?


[lively, rock music]


- Fuck.

Come on. Come on, come on.


Come on. Come on. Come on.

I knew I shouldn't have
had that last pint.


- What's wrong with you?

- There was a tall killer
like the one from my book,

chasing me while I was pissing.

- I just licked shit.

Want some?

- I think you're a
little late for work.

- Better late than never.

- And he's drunk, sir.

- That makes this all very easy.

- Woah, woah. Wait a minute.

I've got something to say.

Shut the fuck up. No one
cares what you think.

I have in my hand,
my resignation.

I won't be sacked
from a job I detest.

I've done sat behind
that fucking typewriter

for way too long,

and I'm setting myself free.

God knows what I'll do,

or where I'll go,

but I know it'll be
better than this.

This job.


- Please get rid of him, sir.

- Oh, shut up, Jeri.

And put a tie on.


- Ariel.




You were asleep.


- I was in a deep,
meditative state,

touring worlds beyond our own.

- Sounded a lot like
you were asleep.

I made tea.

- Oh, gasping.

- So, I've been thinking.

- Wait, let me guess.


- Do you think I should
try and be a bit more...


- What, like pigtails girly?

Or breast-implants girly?

- Neither, prefarably.

I was thinking, maybe, a dress.

- Let me tell you about men.

They are not like us.

We have five senses,

some of us have six,

but most people just five.

Hearing, smell, touch, sight,

and my personal favorite, taste.

Women use all five
senses at once.

They love to mix and match.

Men can use just one at a time.

Their first sense is sight.

They are visual beings.

Now, you want it to go
deeper than just sight,

but if you can, and I'll use
an analogy you'll understand,

if you can hook him with sight,

then you can reel
him in using smell,

touch, and of course, taste,

and then once you've caught him,

you can hit him
with the hearing.

So, is that a yes?

Should I wear a dress, or?

- In my opinion,
why the fuck not?


- I feel so good,

- You should've taken a dump.

- What?

- Yeah, yeah, you should've
pulled down your pants,

squirted a little, had
a shit in your hands,

and throwed it at their
faces and the walls.

They agree.

- I'm not sure he needed
to go that far, Angus.

- You can never go too far

and those approaches
the ultimate fuck you.

- But then I have
shit on my hand.

- Yeah, that's a metaphor.

- For what?

- All these years they've
been giving him shit.

Now the tables are turned.


- Nah, you' re a
dirty bastard, Angus.

- Yeah, it's all
been a witch hour.

I have to go see Willy Wonka.

I feel the Oompa-Loompa's
about to come in.

- Hey, don't throw
your poop at anyone.

- Poop?


- Hello?

I'm ready to come
to Log Central.




I can taste that.



I've seen worse.

- Oops.

- [mumbles]

[sentimental rock music]

- I was as thirsty as a
fish in a barrel of piss.

You've been drinking all day?

- I suddenly feel
stone-cold sober.

- Like the dress?

- Yeah, you look...


- Get many cards this morning?

- I didn't count them.

- Any good ones?

- I didn't open them.

- What did you do with them?

- Threw them in the bin.

- Why?

- I don't care about
any of those girls.

I don't want to spend
my life with them.

I don't love them.

I want... [laughs]

I want...

- What?

I want...

another drink, is what I want.

- How was work today?

Oh, I forgot, you
don't have a job.

- Well, why should I have a job?

Half my wages will
go towards you

spending at university
experiencing life.

- It's called an education.

They teach you words
like that at university.

- Oh, do they? Do they?

I just thought they
taught you words like,



and... cannabis.

- Oh, I almost forgot, Luke.

I saw a job offer in the paper.

Penthouse, looking for full-time
professional masturbators,

and I immediately thought,
"You're a wanker."

- The day I use the pub toilets,

even the bins are doing this.

I'm saying we should
go to get a kebob now.

- [Luke] Yes, yes,

kabobs, kabobs, kabobs.

I got to refuel
before we drink more.

- [Angus] Very wise.

- Listen to you bunch
of little girls.

I thought geezers like
you could drink like fish?

- No, we are not geezers.

We are gentlemen drinkers,

and we are pacing ourselves.

- Yeah, well, we'll skip it,

and see you at the party.

Come on.

- See you later?

- I promise.

- Did you see his face?

It worked like a dream.

- You think so?

- I'm starting to feel
my mojo returning.

- Well, my mojo is fucking
freezing in this dress.

Let's get going.

- What? Pfffft.

You look different.


- No, he doesn't.

- No, that's his shitty line.

- What?

- You really knocked
Fred off her feet.

- What would you know
about knocking girls

off their feet?

Jennifer kicked
you in the balls,

and you've been crying over
her for the last six weeks.

- All right, let's
just chill, dudes.

- No, I want to hear
Luke's brilliant advice

on how to handle my love life.

- Love life?

No, you've got that
the wrong way around.

You have a sex life,

but you don't have a love life.

- Oh, well, at
least I have that.

You don't have either.

- Well, I'm so flipping sorry

that I'm not on some quest
to shag every girl I see.

- Well, maybe you should be.

Maybe it would help you realize

that the one you had is gone.

She left you.

Move on.

- Let's just chill
and get some food.

- In a minute, I
just want to say,

you're a selifish
piece of shit, you are,

who doesn't deserve
a girl like Fred.

- And you do, is that
what you're saying?

- No, but I'm not the one
who's in love with Fred.

Let's face it, you probably
only just want to knob her

because she's off
around the world.

- Fuck you.

- It's true. It's true.

You don't want somebody leaving

without having tried out this
bloody, blah, sex machine.

- Yeah, well maybe I should
have shagged Jennifer,

because you obviously
weren't doing it right.

- Prick!

- [Angus] Ow!

- [Brady] What are you doing?

- You fucking....

- No, he did it.

- Who?

- Luke.


[balloon pops]

[sentimental rock music]

- Oh, I think there's
a hair in mine.

- It's your mum.

- [Luke] At some point
during the ordeal,

you have to have

a kebab pitstop.

It's absolutely essential
to the evening portion,

and, while many people wait
until the very end of the night,

which is quite
frankly ludicrous,

you're barely going to
remember what you've eaten.

I have mine about half
eight, nine o'clock,

then I can relatively
recall what was in it,

some kind of, you
know, generic meat.

- What the fuck is that?

- It's your cock.


- Oh, Brady.

- [Luke] Another
ritual of the drunk

is to make phone calls

to exactly the wrong person.

For instance, and,
this is most offensive,

the ex.

It's a bad idea.

You know it's a bad idea,

but you have no choice.

- Dinner is served.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- So.

Come on, truth.

How many boys have
you slept with?

Truth, remember.

- I don't want to play anymore.

- You're such a nun.

- Well, how many
have you slept with?

- There was Michael.





- Bingo!

- Another Mark.




Billy and Dana.

[laughs] That was a threesome.

Another Mark.

- All right, all
right, you old slapper.

I've heard enough.

- And, of course, Yogi.

[Indian music]

- What're you going
to do about him?

- I'm still waiting.

- For what?

- The sign, some
divine intervention.

- Maybe it's not about
some higher power.

Maybe it's about you
deciding what's best for you.

- What happened to your eye?

- Luke done it.

- He punched you?

- It was a drunken accident.

It was meant to be for Brady.

- Why, what did you do?

- Nothing.

- They had a drunken argument,

and now the little petulant
bitches are sulking.

- I'm not sulking.

It's him.

- You boys are so
bloody childish.

A couple of pints and you
want to smack your best mate.

Why don't you just apologize?

No harm done.

- Except for my eye.

- You in a major [mumbles]?

- No.

- Oh, obviously not.

- I'll get another round then.

- [Ariel] I'll help.
- [Brady] I'll go.

- I'm already standing.

- Mine's a G and T, please.

- Sex on the beach, please.

Or a pint.

- Pint.

- Don't touch me.

- All right.

Just thought I'd try.

I'll tell you what,

that kebab sobered me right up.

- [Ariel] It's made
your breath stink,

is what it's done.

- Oh, well, Ariel, that's
the thing with kebabs.

The taste will last for hours.


- Oh, that's ... that's rank.

That's not cooking.

- So why are you
and Luke arguing?

- Oh, it's nothing, nevermind.

- Hey, listen, I wanted
to talk about us.

- There's an us?

- How long have we
known each other?

- A long, long time.

- So, I mean, don't you think
it's time we got together?

- You mean, you think
we should have one night

to rampant shagging
so you can ignore me,

like you usually
do the other girls.

- I really like you, Fred.

- What can I get you two?

- Oh, do you do
sex on the beach?

- No, not in a while.

It's car parks,
mostly, nowadays.

Are you drunk?

- Um, uh... two pints of lager,

a G and T, Guiness,
and a cider, please.

- Coming up.

- So...

- So what?

- I thought you might
have something to say

about you and me?

- How do I know you're serious?

- I'll become celibate.

No sex, nothing
until you believe me.

- Wow, very fucking romantic.

- You're not like other girls.

- I know.

I know, I'm like
one of the lads.

- No, that's not what I meant.

- Why? What's so
special about me?

- What's special is
I care about you.

- Shit.

- What?

- Look who's here.

- Oh, fucking shit.

What is Jennifer doing
here with that prick?

- Luke.

- What?

- Present for you,
there's a little rose.

- Thank you. That's lovely.

- Just ignore her.

- I can't believe you're waving.

- That bitch.


- Oh.

- Sorry.

I'm dribbling.

Just going to the loo.

- Oh!

- [Fred] Here we go.

- Bastard.

- You spotted him then.

- He waved.

- You didn't.

- [Ariel] He did.

She smiled to him,
and he waved back.

- You fucking cunt.

- Oh, Jesus, it was just a wave.

What was I supposed to do?

- You could've stuck
two fingers up at her.

- Yeah, I think you're
talking about the one finger.

- [Ariel] I prefer to
keep it old school.

- Can't believe she's
got the throat to bring

Jeri on a date to my pub.

- On Valentine's Day?

- She must've known
you were here.

- This tops off
my day perfectly.

Pissed off when I woke up.

Now I'll go back to bed
even more pissed off.

- No, man,

you people know nothing
about the human condition.

You called her and
hung up, didn't you?

Didn't you?

- Maybe.

- Classic kebab moves.

A person tries to contact
their ex and bottles it.

She's got your number up,

and she's thinking,

"Why on Valentine's
Day is he calling me?"

She knows that you come here,

ergo she comes to see you.

Classic humanoid pattern.

- So why bring a date?

- Total basic instinct,

survival of the fittest,

or the female of the
species teasing the male

like fuck.

- I don't know bollocks
here that he spoke,

he's just going to have
to fuck up her night.

- Thank you.

- She's right.

He needs to up the ante.

How about a round
of vodka shots?

- Are you sure
that's a good idea?

- I'm fine for Dino.

- All right, let
me start the slash.

- Nice.

- So...

are you two going to sit like
Sooty and Sweet all night?

- I'm all right.

- What's that sweetie?

- Yes.

- Thanks, Matthew.

- No problems, Lou.

- We need to talk.

- This isn't the best time.

- It's important.

- We have a problem.

I'm not happy.

- Well, I think--

- Please let me speak.

I'm not happy with us,

with our relationship.

I thought we had
something special, but...

I don't know if I
love you anymore.

- Oh, right, right.

Well, if you're sure.

- I know you don't
want to hear it,

but we can't be
together anymore.

But it can't be over before
I give you something.




[harp music]

- What the hell?

- Quite the opposite.

Welcome, Brady.

- Where am I?

- You're dead.


Just kidding.

You're here because I
wanted a word with you.

- With me? Why?

- Look, I know how hot
and sexy women can be.

I created them
for Christ's sake,

but I think it's time
to stop bedsurfing.

- I've messed it up
with Fred, haven't I?

- Do you love her?

- Oh, absolutely.

- Then don't give up so easy.

- Yeah, you're right.

Hey, can I ask one question?

- As long as it's not
about me and Mary.

- Nah, forget about it.

I better get back to Earth
and sort my life out.

- Okay.

Expecto patronum!

Just kidding.



- You okay, mate?

- Oh, I must have fainted.

- Yeah, you did.

Just after the punch.

- What punch?

- Fred saw you kissing
Suzy so she lumped you.

- I wasn't kissing her.

She kissed me.

- That's not how she saw it.

- Don't worry, mate.

After you went down, Suzy
got right and belted.

- You all right?


- Touch me, touch
me, right here.


- What? [moans]

Where's Fred?

- She ran off.

- I can't believe it.

I screwed it up again.

You were right.

I've been jumping
from girl to girl,

and now it's come back to
bite me in the buttocks.

- More like punch
you in the face.

- Look, I'm really sorry for
what I said to you before.

Anyway, you were more
right than I was.

I've been in a bad mood
since I was dumped.

- Maybe it's time
you sorted it out.

She's in here for a reason.

- What are you going to do?

- I'm going to do
as God told me.

- What?

- Nothing.

And Luke... mate.

- No problem.

[Ariel sighs]

- [Ariel] Okay.

You can stop now.

- Luke.

give that prick a punch
in the bollocks for me.

- [Ariel] Good luck.

And if you mess it up,

I'll crush your testicles.



- You know what, Luke?

That was a different
side to you,

your really gay side.

- And number three for the lady,

and there we go.

- Ah, leave the bottles' worth.

- I'll leave the
bottle when you fucking

pay for it, Dostoevsky.

- All right, sorry.

- I think this is it.

I think she's the one.

- It's been quite a day.

- It ain't over yet.

- I suppose I should
just get on with it.

- Hey, you going to ask
her to get back with you?


- Jen.

- Oh, hi Luke.

- How are things?

- Fine, you?

- Pretty good, really.

- You're probably wondering
what I'm doing here.

- No, no, it's cool.

It's a free country, isn't it?

- I got a missed
call from you, and...

I wanted to see you, Luke.

I miss you, and with Valentine's
Day and everything...

- Why did you want to see me?

- I thought I wanted
to see how you were?

Fact was, I was kind of hoping
you'd be a complete ass.

I've been thinking about us.

- Wait, you wanted to
see me because you knew

that I'd be here, and what?

You thought I'd be some kind
of drunken bone and what?

That I'd beg you
to take me back?

- I just wanted to tell you,
I think I still love you.


- What's wrong with you, Luke?

- Nothing. No, no, I'm fine.

I am fine.

For the first time,
since you dumped me,

I can see that I'm fine.

Don't get me wrong,

I've been through hell,

but here I am.

Come out on the other side,

I've still got my friends.

And right now, things
are looking up.

- Look me in the eye,

and tell me you don't
love me anymore.

- I can't do that, Jen.

But I can't say that I
don't hate you, either.

You know, you never really
get to know somebody

until they dump you,

and right now...

Right now I can see you

for who you really are.

- Well, I see who you are, Luke.

A failure.

When we met, I
had hopes for you,

but [grunts] you
were just a loser.

a failure,

a small, no, tiny dick,

hairy-shouldered fucking loser,

momma's boy.

- Don't you ever call
me a momma's boy.

- I tried, Luke.

I tried to mold you
into a proper person,

but no.

You just wanted to hang
out with your stupid mates.

In fact, I kind of
thought you and Brady

might be gay, for a while.

- Gay? Yeah, yeah?

Well, I wish I was gay

because then I'd
be off, wouldn't I?

I'd be around the world
sucking men's penii

instead of being here
listening to bloody you.


- Fuck you, Jen.

And fuck you, too.




You know, Jen, you
really are a bitch.


[guitar music]

[telephone ringing]

- Fuck off, Brady.

I don't want to speak to you.

- Where are you?

I need to see you.

- Why don't you fuck
off back to your tart?

- Fred, it wasn't like that.

- I saw you kiss her.

- It's not like that.

- We're done talking.
- [Brady] Wait.

- Fred, you annoy me more than
anyone else I've ever known.

You smell of fish all the time.

You bite your nails and
spit it on the floor.

You never wash the bath out,

and you're always late.

- How come you're never
late, Mr. Fucking Perfect?

- You're quick to throw a punch,

but you run away from
anything that really matters

because you're scared.

You are scared.

- Of what?

- Of being yourself,

but I know you, Fred.

I know when you're with the
lads and you order a beer,

you'd really rather
have a Merlot.

I know when you say
you're going for slushie,

you're going to top
up your lipstick,

and I know you love me.

- Fuck you.

- Oh, and by the way, the dress?

It didn't work,

but not because of the dress,

because it's just not you.

- You're such a twat.

You say you know me,

but I know you, too.

I know that you're
in a dead-end job

because you are shit
scared of failing.

You go fucking your
way around town,

chasing anything with
tits and a heartbeat

and you expect me
to fall to my knees

and bounce when
you give me a turn.

It drives me insane that
we live in the same house,

and you parade that herd
of sluts under my nose.

You're a selfish bastard,

and I cannot wait
to get on a boat

and sail the fuck away.

- You know what, Fred?

- What?

- You know what?

- What?

- You're right.

We are done talking.

[sweet piano music]

- If you hurt me, I will use
your balls as shark bait.

- Time, gentlemen, please.

Last orders at the bar.


- You know, Ariel.

I never really thought that

punching someone really,
actually, quite...

hurt so much.

- Well, you did very well.

His fists looked very sore,

so in a way, you won the fight.

Oh, your breath stinks.

- Where's Suzy?

- We broke up.

- What?

She left me for another man.

- She doesn't mess around.

- No.

- I thought she was the one.

- Yeah, don't worry, mate.

There is someone out
there for every one of us.

Not me.

- Come on, you lot.

I've got a car park to get to.

- Up we go.

Come on, fine time.

Leave it.


- What?

- Come on.

- Checkmate.

- You won't know what's
hit you later, darling.

- Coming back for a night cap?

- Night cap? Come on.

We can do whatever we want.

We're free spirits.

We can throw beer
mats at dogs, or

feed back some [mumbles].

- How about just a drink, Angus?

- Look, you guys go and do...

whichever one of those you want.

I'm going to go home
and write my book.

I'm feeling inspired.

- Good night, then.

- Good night.

- Good night.


Life, it's a series of
endings and new beginnings,

and every once in a while,

one pops up when
you least expect it,

which makes it all the
more exciting, I guess.

As for my friends,

they'll wake up tomorrow

probably with a hangover.

And for a couple of them,

things will be different.

- [Angus] Yah!

- [Brady] Angus!

- [Fred] Fuck off, Angus.

- [Luke] But hopefully,

not too much.

[triumphant music]

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm so bloody wasted

♪ I cannot stand up much

♪ Booze tasted

♪ My home supply gone

♪ Nothing wasted

♪ Except for me

♪ Cause I'm wasted

♪ I'm so terribly wasted

♪ I'm so ugly

♪ Drink's my face lift

♪ It makes me carefree

♪ Of my stresses

♪ Of living with me

♪ So I'm wasted

♪ I'm, oh, sophisticated

♪ I'm getting drunk

♪ Never pasted

♪ How low I have sunk

♪ The girl at the bar

♪ She said that I stunk

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm rolling around

♪ On the dance floor

♪ I'm searching for love

♪ But I found me a whore

♪ But I'll never see you again

♪ Da da duh-duh bye

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm rolling around

♪ Like a madman

♪ I'm gonna be crowned

♪ With a bar band

♪ The bouncers tell me

♪ Rolling around

♪ With hands away

♪ I'm a failure

♪ I'm such a disgrace

♪ I'm talking to you

♪ Smashed out of my face

♪ I'm a failure

♪ I'm such a buffoon

♪ Time at the bar

♪ God come too soon

♪ I'm wasted

♪ This cold sweat is making me

♪ Feel sick

♪ My vision is blurred

♪ I'm a fried prick

♪ But I'll never see you again

♪ Dah bah duh-duh bye

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm rolling around

♪ Like a madman

♪ I'm gonna be crowned

♪ With a bar band

♪ The bouncers tell me

♪ I'm rolling around

♪ With hands away

♪ Oh, Lord

♪ I lay down here

♪ To die

♪ I wonder

♪ If anyone will cry

♪ Oh, Lord

♪ Please don't let

♪ There be pain

♪ Cause happy

♪ Now is my name

♪ That's because

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm wasted

♪ Oh, I'm wasted

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm wasted

♪ I'm so happy

♪ I'm wasted

♪ Wasted

♪ I'm a drunk now