Drowning Mona (2000) Movie Script

♪ Wash away my troubles ♪

♪ Wash away my pain ♪

♪ With the rain in Shambala ♪

♪ Wash away my sorrows ♪

♪ Wash away my shame ♪

♪ With the rain in Shambala ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Everyone is helpful ♪

♪ Everyone is kind ♪

♪ On the road to Shambala ♪

Ugh! Shit!

♪ Everyone is lucky ♪

♪ Everyone is so kind ♪

♪ On the road to Shambala ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CLUTCH GRINDING]

♪ I can tell my sister ♪

♪ About the flowers in her eyes ♪

♪ On the road to Shambala ♪

♪ I can tell my brother ♪

♪ About the flowers in his eyes ♪

♪ On the road to Shambala ♪

♪ How does your light shine ♪

♪ In the halls of Shambala? ♪

[GRUNTING, SCREAMING]

MAN: Uh-huh.

I see.

Is that right?

Well, have you ever seen

Starlight Express?

WOMAN: [OVER PHONE]

Daddy, of course I have.

Well, I mean, let's face it.

It's no West Side Story.

You don't know what kind it was?

It's a mix.

[RINGING]

There's English,

there's Red Nose,

there's Staffordshire,

there's all kinds.

[CONTINUES RINGING]

There's American.

Yeah, but she says it was

a longhaired pit bull.

There's no such thing

as a longhaired pit bull.

That's what I'm saying.

One of you guys gonna get that?

TONY:

I'm not attacking you...

No.

I'm just working this out.

Carlucci.

One second.

Feege, you got a call on two.

Are we okay here?

Because it's just...

It's formality.

Absolutely, I just have

to do it over again.

Lieutenant Gruman speaking.

Lieutenant?

I rented it. Rita Moreno

was so terrible.

How can you say that?

Rita Moreno was fabulous.

[INDISTINCT]

Well, at least she wasn't

on roller skates.

Are you making fun of me

because I likeXanadu?

What?

Lucinda just called.

Let me call you back.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

You know

Mona Dearly?

What about her?

She was proceeding

southbound on Route Nine...

When apparently,

her vehicle was involved

In a two-eleven-oh-seven.

[SIGHS]

[MUTTERS]

What?

She drove into the river.

She's dead, Wyatt.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ In the summertime

When the weather is hot ♪

♪ You can stretch right up

and touch the sky ♪

♪ When the weather's right ♪

♪ You got women,

you got women on your mind ♪

[CAT SHRIEKS]

♪ Have a drink have a drive ♪

♪ Go out and see

what you can find ♪

♪ If her daddy's rich

take her out for a meal ♪

♪ If her daddy's poor

just do what you feel ♪

♪ Speed along the lane

do a ton or a ton and 25 ♪

So, what happened to your hand?

Oh, this thing?

Oh, it's nothing.

I mean, what are you

gonna do?

So, what did you say

your name was again?

Maria Lasala.

Oh, that's a nice name.

Thanks.

So, what, are you

married or something?

Maybe.

♪ We're always happy ♪

♪ Life's for living

yeah that's our Philosophy ♪

♪ Sing along with us

de, de, de, de, de ♪

♪ Da de da, da, da ♪

BOBBY: She's 13, man.

JEFF: Yeah, finally.

I'm picking you up

tomorrow at 9:00.

For what?

What do you mean, "for what?" for work.

Nine?

That's early.

Yeah, but it's Carlson's.

So?

It's Carlson's nursery.

Look, I heard you

the first time, Bobby.

I ain't mute.

No, I'm just saying.

Carlson's gonna make us

a lot of money.

It's gonna save the business.

I get half.

I know.

And none of that

50 percent bullshit.

That's it.

What do you think?

Should I do

the yellow apple six report,

or the yellow apple seven?

RASH: What's the difference?

FEEGE: The yellow apple six

involves water.

Well, Feege,

the car is submerged

in water.

What do you think?

Let's go with the yellow

apple six.

Yeah.

I think that's

a good idea, Feege.

She's dead.

Thank you,

Dr. Schwartz.

Oh, there he is.

Here they come.

[WHISTLING]

So you want to tell Jeff

about his mom, or do you

think we should do it?

Yeah, that's, uh...

I mean, we'd be more

than happy to do it,

Phil.

You know, it's just

that coming from you...

It may cushion the blow.

Being that, you know,

he's your son and all.

Well, in that case,

it might be best

if one of you did it.

Oh.

Right.

Okay.

I could do that.

Do you wanna...

I could do that.

Could you?

I could do it.

Who's gonna do it?

Jimmy's gonna do it.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll handle it.

PHIL: Okay.

I got it, Phil.

Oh.

Hey, Jeff, uh, I'm afraid

I got some, uh, bad news.

How you doing, Bobby?

Hey, where's my car?

It's a little bit more

serious than your car, Jeff.

Hey, Bob.

Would somebody mind telling me

what the hell's going on here?

It's...

I'm afraid...

Your mother

was in a car accident.

I'm afraid she's dead, Jeff.

She's dead.

What was she doing in my car?

[HUMMING]

Hey, where you been?

Oh. Listen,

you gotta talk

to Murph.

We were going over the menu

before and I mentioned

the boneless-breasted chicken,

and he's, like,

"Boneless? You never

said you wanted boneless."

Can you believe that?

And I'm, like, "Hello.

You don't serve chicken

bones at a wedding.

"God forbid someone

chokes to death."

The thing is it'll cost

an extra five bucks a plate,

and at a hundred plates,

we're looking

at a half a grand just

to get rid of the bones.

Like we got that kind of money.

Bobby, what's wrong?

Uh, Mona Dearly is dead.

What?

You're kidding me.

No. Yeah...

I mean, no.

No, she's dead.

Oh, my god.

What happened?

It was just a car accident...

On the road, I guess.

Well,

we've gotta celebrate.

[LAUGHING]

What?

God, Ellie, Jesus!

She's a human being.

"We gotta celebrate."

Have some respect.

I don't gotta have respect

for no one in that family.

Bobby, think about

how they've treated you.

How'd they treat me?

Badly.

They're horrible people.

They're a house

full of freaks.

Hey, "Philibuster,"

check it out how fast

I'm doing this, man.

Cut it out, would you?

But mom, I'm on a roll.

Look at it.

[IMITATING CHOPPING]

Cut it out,

you little shit,

or I'll kill ya!

All right.

Jeez.

Now,

about the name

of this business,

you given any thought to it yet?

Well, I thought we should

call it, you know,

BJ Landscaping.

[LAUGHING]

MONA: BJ?

I don't get it.

You know, "B" for Bobby

and "J" for Jeff, you know.

BJ Landscaping.

Well, I think JB

Has a nicer ring to it.

Besides, you don't want

anyone going around

calling you blow job

landscaping, do you?

Uh, no.

Well, then what if

we call it JP's, right?

I mean, that's good.

JP's ain't

an option, Jeffrey.

How come, "smarty two-shoes"?

'Cause his name

don't start with "P."

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

What's that, Mr. Dearly?

You say something, Phil?

JEFF: You gonna contribute,

or what?

Yeah, Phil,

what do you think

about what's going on?

Well, I think that's, uh...

Whatev...

Whatever you two decide is...

All right.

Thanks, Mr. Dearly.

MONA: For what?

He didn't say jack!

Why are you kissing his ass?

I wasn't kissing his ass...

I thought you were done

with kissing ass.

I wasn't kissing his...

JEFF: Totally kissing his ass.

Kiss ass!

Look at the little kiss ass.

[SMOOCHING]

You disgust me,

you little kiss ass.

Get out of my sight.

She deserved it.

I bet property values go up.

So, are you gonna fire Jeff?

What? No.

Why would I want

to fire Jeff?

'Cause you been

wanting to for years.

No, I haven't.

I stopped

wanting to fire him

a long time ago.

Well,

what about him killing

the Schneider dog?

He didn't kill

the Schneider dog.

I mean, that was

an accident when he killed

the Schneider dog.

Bobby, he ran over it

with a lawn mower.

Yeah.

All right, I don't

want to talk about it

right now, okay?

The guy's mother

just drove off of a cliff.

Yeah.

Too bad Jeff

wasn't riding shotgun.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That would have been funny.

CLARENCE: Ever so gracefully,

the yellow Yugo,

sort of floating...

It was almost

slow-motion like...

And it did a swan dive

right into the river.

Swan dive, huh?

Well, it was tragic

and frightening,

yet beautiful

in an obtuse way.

All right, that's...

What did he say?

Clarence?

Hmm.

He said she drove

into the river.

Oh.

You know, Feege,

I was looking around

up top,

and there is something

very odd about this.

What's that?

There are no skid marks.

She never hit the brakes.

Now, we should do some checking

to see if she suffered from

any medical conditions...

Like, uh, narcolepsy

or something.

Could have been

"barr-stein syndrome."

Yeah. Yeah.

Rash, she was a lousy driver.

It probably caught up with her.

That's right, you knew her

pretty well, didn't you?

Well, our paths crossed

time to time.

[SIREN BLARING]

Juliet, echo, papa, hotel.

You had that little thing

with her a while back.

A bit of an altercation

between the two of you.

Let me see your hands.

[SLURRING] Why'd you

pull us over, Feege?

Well, let me think about that

for a second here, Mona.

"A," you're riding on rims

and "B," you just went 2800

on an officer of the law.

And "C"... What the hell's

the matter with you, Jeff?

Oh! Boy.

Ow!

Look what you did.

I didn't do nothing.

You scared him

half to death.

He's drunk.

No, he ain't!

Get out of here, you jerk!

That's okay, baby.

Everything's okay.

Mommy's here now.

Yes, okay, baby.

You're gonna pay

for this, Feege.

You just lost

your lawn service, pal.

It's a real shame, though.

Him and Bobby did...

A fabulous job on my place.

So, what do you think, Lucinda?

What do I think?

I think she took a turn

for the worse...

And broke her stupid neck.

A fitting end

to a less-than-laudable life.

I'm talking about the car.

I'll have her fixed in no time.

Now, Lucinda...

Look, dude,

if somebody rigged it,

you'll know.

I'm counting on you, all right?

All right. It'll cost you.

You gonna charge him double?

You know it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ You get up, you get down ♪

♪ You get lost and then you get found ♪

♪ Sure as I'm sitting here ♪

♪ You get a laugh ♪

♪ You get a cry ♪

♪ You get them all before you die ♪

♪ Sure as I'm sitting here ♪

♪ All the ladies ♪

♪ Hypnotize you ♪

♪ And all your friends ♪

♪ Well, they just patronize you ♪

♪ Don't gotta look for god ♪

♪ He's just sitting here ♪

♪ And I think he's got a plan ♪

♪ But it's not too clear ♪

♪ Come on sit down get down ♪

♪ As sure as I'm sitting here ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

She's dead.

I know.

I can't believe this.

I mean, it's just...

Man, I mean...

This is it, right, Rone?

I mean...

This is it.

I don't like it, Phil.

I don't like it one bit.

What's the matter?

Look, I have

to ask you something,

and I want you to be honest.

Sure.

What?

Did you do it?

Did I do what?

Did you kill her?

How could you ask me that?

How could she ask me that?

It looks suspicious, Phil.

It was an accident.

It was a stroke of good luck.

Good luck doesn't happen

to people like us.

Good luck happens

to Madonna.

No.

Tony and Jimmy D.

Said it could have been...

Slippage on the road...

Or something.

I don't know.

Sure.

I don't know.

And in a couple of months,

they're gonna find me

floating at the bottom

of the Hudson.

Don't talk like that, baby.

Don't talk like that.

'Cause if you're down there,

I'm down there.

Uh-huh.

I'll go down

with the catfish.

Phil. Phil.

I'll go swim in the murk.

Phil.

Yeah.

Are you okay?

I'll live.

No bacteria, honest.

I am a priest.

"A priest?" A priest.

You can't cut me off.

Padre, stow it.

You're breaking

my concentration,

for crying out loud.

Look, threats

notwithstanding, all right?

Cut the sermon and just

give me a godamn beer!

You want me to squirt you

in front of god and everybody?

I'll do it.

Hey, Murph.

What's all this

about the chicken?

The chickens?

We got bigger fish to fry, pal.

Get your ass over there.

Come on.

Tell me you didn't

do it, Bobby.

Do what?

Mona Dearly.

[LAUGHING]

Come on, they were

killing your business, Bobby.

That whole family

was ruining your life.

No, they weren't.

They weren't ruining anything.

I didn't do it. Are you crazy?

What are you talking about?

I'm just saying there's

a lot of people that wouldn't

blame you if you did.

Come on, Murph,

Jesus Christ!

All right.

I'm just doing

the big brother thing,

you know. I'm just...

I'll back off.

Guess who got

in an altercation last night?

Who?

Valerie Antonelli.

Big talk from the big man.

MAN: Are you talking

to me, huh?

Where's Bobby Calzone

when you need him,

huh, Valerie?

So what are you

gonna friggin' do?

You gonna friggin' hit me?

Ow!

Come on, Murph.

She's a girl.

You don't let her get

slapped around like that.

What's the matter with you?

Hey, she's the one that

wanted to be a landscaper.

So sue me.

All right, listen, Murph,

so, uh...

What's up

with the whole chicken thing?

Can you help us out?

Bobby, look.

If you want somebody

to sit there,

and yank the bones

out of a hundred chickens,

it's gonna run you money.

All right, you might be...

You know, you're the best man

at the wedding, Murph.

I'm not making any money

on this wedding as it is.

You know, you're my brother.

Can't you do a...

Just do a brotherly deboning

or something?

What's the... I mean...

Okay.

How long is this

gonna go on? Huh?

I'm fronting you for your

business, I'm helping you

with your wedding.

Do you realize that last year

I declared you as a dependent

on my taxes?

Look, you know,

I'm having a hard time

at work right now.

And, uh, I'm a little bit

shorthanded with Jeff.

Well, maybe

due to the untimely

demise of Mona Dearly,

you could finally

get rid of that one-arm bandit

partner of yours.

[LAUGHS]

Bobby, come on, I can't...

I can't

take care of you

like this.

BOBBY: Wait...

Wait a second.

Come on. Come on. come on.

I have to close the door.

I'm not ready yet.

[LAUGHING]

You're no fun at all.

ANSWERING MACHINE:

You have one new message.

RASH: Hi, honey.

It's your old dad calling.

Just want to see

how your plans for

the big day are shaping up.

Uh, I thought we could

hop over to the diner

for some breakfast.

Tomorrow is no good,

but maybe Saturday.

Okay?

Say hey to Bobby.

Be good.

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

What do you think he wants?

I don't know.

Sounded pretty cryptic.

Something about

breakfast, Saturday.

[CHUCKLES]

Hard to say.

Honey, what's wrong?

Nothing.

♪ Lazy river where the robin's song ♪

♪ Awakes the bright new morning ♪

♪ We can loaf along... ♪

RASH: Hi, Jeff.

I just thought

I'd stop by and

pay my respects.

Your dad's not home,

is he?

Nope.

Oh.

I know this is

trying times

for the two of you.

[BURPS]

You want a beer

or something?

No. No, thanks.

You don't happen to know

where he went?

Jeff, did your mother suffer

from any medical conditions

you might know of?

I think she had

a personality disorder.

Oh, a person...

Well, not necessarily like that.

It's just there are some

aspects of this accident

that, uh, just...

Well, what, you think

someone killed her?

Yeah, well, I didn't do it.

I never said you did,

but if you were to know

if somebody had a grudge

against her,

or something like that,

you know.

Oh, yeah.

I don't want to point

any fingers and what not,

but Bobby Calzone did it.

Bobby Calzone?

I find that hard to believe.

Bobby's such a sweet kid.

He doesn't have

a violent bone in his body.

Why don't you see

how Peaches feels

about that?

Peaches?

The Schneider dog?

Yeah.

Yeah, with the lawn mower.

[IMITATING MOTOR]

Oh, great job

with Peaches there, Bobby.

Oh, drop dead, asshole.

But Bobby, that poor little dog.

"Poor little dog."

It was in the way.

Hey, you were the one

chasing after it

with the lawn mower, not me.

I wasn't chasing it.

It wasn't my fault.

It got in the way.

Yeah, well now

we lost that account.

BOBBY: All right, blame me.

Blame me like you blame me

for everything else.

I don't care.

Hey, you killed Peaches.

I would've fired us for that.

Oh, is that

a firsthand account?

Like you never killed a dog?

Hey, look, Bobby,

if you keep losing

our accounts,

pretty soon we'll be

out of business.

Then how're you gonna

take care of Ellen?

"Take care of Ellen."

Ellen freakin' shmellen.

Honey, I hate to see you gu...

What are you saying?

I can't hear you,

Mrs. Dearly. what?

Huh? What? Huh?

What? Shut up!

Bobby, you're hurting me.

One step closer, Jeff,

and I swear to god,

I'll tear out

your friggin' ovaries.

Don't you speak

to my boy like that.

Mrs. Dearly,

your boy has the IQ

of a garden pest.

And so do you, you dumb wench!

Hey, Bobby,

I-I-I-I don't think that...

What? You don't think?

That's your problem, Phil,

you don't think.

You don't think!

Now, I've had it!

I can't take it anymore.

Especially you, Mona Dearly.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what it means!

Ahh!

He said, "ovaries"?

Oh, yeah.

All the time.

And he threatened

your mom's life?

But why didn't you report this?

'Cause everyone

threatened her life.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]

Ovaries.

[RONA LAUGHING]

[LUCINDA SINGING]

♪ Oh, Mona Dearly ♪

♪ She took a turn for the worse ♪

♪ You know she swam with the fishes ♪

♪ You know she dug in the dirt ♪

♪ Oh, why did she

have to die, die, die? ♪

♪ Oh, why did she

have to die, die, die? ♪

♪ Oh, why did she

have to de, de, de, de ♪

♪ De, de, de, de, de, de,

de, de, de, de die, die ♪

♪ Oh, Mona Dearly ♪

Catchy.

Hey.

That was nice.

Oh, thanks.

How's that daughter of yours?

Oh, she's great.

Thanks for asking.

Yeah? Wedding plans

going smooth?

Like silk on glass.

All right, I want you

to take a look under here.

Okay, if somebody were

to sabotage the brakes...

"If"?

If. It's a conditional

clause. If.

Like I was saying,

if somebody were

to sabotage the brakes,

he's got two options.

He can be smart

and puncture a hole

in the brake fluid tank,

or he can be a total freak

and cut all four

of the brake lines.

I'll show you.

These here

are brake lines.

There, there.

They've all been cut.

A total freak.

That rules out...

An accident.

Hey, hey, slow down, pal.

We're just getting started here.

All right, now.

You know what this is.

Lucinda, I don't know

shit about cars.

That's the brake fluid tank.

What's that hole?

That's a hole.

So, I figure the perp...

Used some kind

of sharp instrument...

A screwdriver,

an awl, what have you...

Took it and drove it

through the tank

with a hammer.

Just, "Bam. Bam."

Now, see this?

This here?

Fetzer valve.

I'm not familiar

with the fetzer valve.

Nor should you be.

It serves no purpose whatsoever.

So what's the problem?

Somebody poked

a hole in that too.

Is that bad?

This car was

done to death.

Done to death?

Uh-huh, fixed to kill.

Fixed to kill.

This was no accident.

"Sorry to bother you.

I just wanted to express

my sorrow...

"Over the loss of your tragic...

"Hi, Jeff, Phil.

Really sorry

to bother you...

"Hi. Sorry to bother you.

Listen, I just want

to express my sorrow...

"...over the loss of..."

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, Mr. Dearly.

I just wanted to, uh,

express my... Sorrow...

...over the loss

of your tragic loved one.

My loved one, hmm.

Your wife passed.

Oh, yeah?

Who'd she pass?

Hey, what do you want?

Well, Bobby came by

to express his loss

over our sorry loved one.

You know, I ain't working today.

Oh, no.

You shouldn't work.

You sh...

You're definitely on a le...

A grievance leave,

and I'm just coming by

to say that I'm really sorry.

Yeah, that's great

if that's what you want

to tell yourself.

Hey, listen, if you asked me,

he sounds real broken up

about it.

I mean, look at him.

[CHUCKLING]

Yeah, no kidding.

All right, so, uh...

PHIL: Hey, listen, Bob,

if you're tormented by this,

you should definitely

come by Cubby's funeral

home tonight and have

a full release.

Yeah, yeah.

We're having one of them

"wake and bake" services.

Okay, yeah, sure.

I'll come by Cubby's.

Yeah, you do that,

you little kiss ass.

Yeah,

you make sure you wear

them kiss ass shoes too.

[LAUGHING]

And that landscaping

kiss ass t-shirt.

I'll mow your lawn,

I'll trim your hedges...

BOTH:

...and I'll kiss your ass.

[LAUGHING]

There he goes.

Look at him.

Yep, yep.

A little hesitation

before the kiss.

[CHUCKLING]

Careful, oh.

Don't kiss the dog's ass.

All he talks about is how much

the wedding's gonna cost

and how Jeff's ruining JB's.

I'm worried about him, dad.

It's like he's obsessed.

Well, I'll talk to him.

See if I can help.

No, it's all right.

You've already done enough.

You know...

This is gonna sound terrible,

but with Mrs. Dearly dying,

this is the first break

he's caught in a while.

RONA: Hey, folks.

Hey, Rone.

So, shame about

Mona Dearly, huh?

So young. Tragic.

It's taken everybody

by surprise.

RONA: Yeah, poor family.

So, what can I get you?

RASH: I'll have the usual.

And a cup of joe.

And you, hon?

You want the heart attack

special just like your daddy?

The vegetarian plate.

Back in a jiff.

A box of frigging meat

for our wedding gift

like I'm registered at a deli.

Hey, what do you think

about Ice Castles

for our spotlight dance?

Can't go wrong with Ice Castles.

That's what I was thinking.

So, it looks like there's

gonna be an investigation

into this thing.

RONA: I just...

I have to tell you that

this wedding of yours

is all anybody in this

town is talking about.

And the fact that

you two even considered

having me there...

Well, forget about it.

Yeah, well, me and Bobby

really want you there, Rone.

Oh, I just want you to know

it moved me... Down deep.

Really.

It moved me.

ELLEN: Good, good.

Enjoy your meal.

RASH: So, where was I?

You said you were

gonna investigate.

Right. What I was

thinking was, uh...

Goddamnit, don't give me

that shit, Phil.

I'm not overreacting.

He was there.

He was talking to Ellen.

Oh, come on,

sweet nipple.

Don't "sweet nipple" me, Phil.

But we got nothing

to do with it, honey.

I'm dumping her stuff right now.

What does that have to do

with anything, Phil?

Do you know why

our prisons are so crowded?

I don't know.

Too many criminals?

Wrongful imprisonment, Phil.

Erroneous convictions.

11% of all inmates

currently serving time

are counterfactually

incarcerated for crimes

uncommitted.

Did you ever see Tom Selleck

inAn Innocent Man?

Oh, yeah, was that

with Kurt Russell?

Phil, look. Rash is

asking a lot of questions

about all of you.

And I don't like one bit

what he's insinuating,

not one bit.

Relax, Vanna.

He's just doing his...

Hi, Phil.

Oh, shit.

Rash is here.

What?

I gotta go.

[RECEIVER CLICKS]

Hey, chief.

Hey, Phil. I hope I didn't

catch you at a bad time.

Oh, no.

I was just getting

ready for Mona's wake.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

That's a really nice picture

of the two of you.

I can't tell you

how sorry I am about Mona.

She was a passionate...

And committed woman.

Now, this is probably

the exact wrong time

to ask you...

No, hey, whatever

I can do to help.

I mean, hey, you know me,

I'm a team player.

Well, I need to ask you

a couple of questions

about your wife.

Oh, yeah?

What about her?

Phil.

Phil, sweetie,

you got a minute for me?

Phil.

Honey, they're

looking for the shooter.

Get in here, Phil.

You should have

seen this guy takin'

potshots in his skivvies.

He looked a lot like Father Tom.

Yes, dear?

Where were you

this afternoon?

Wh-what?

Where the hell were you?

I called the warehouse.

You were MIA.

Are you sure you

had the right number?

Oh, boy.

Who is she, Phil?

Uh, who's who?

What's her name?

Uh, sweetness...

Oh, Jesus, honey,

you could've hurt

somebody with that.

I don't wanna hurt

someone, Phil.

I wanna hurt you.

What's gotten into you?

You.

You don't find me

attractive no more!

Of course I don't... Do.

You got something going on,

don't you, Phil?

Don't you?

You been playing

Wheel of Fortune

with someone else.

Ooh.

PHIL: Don't tell anyone,

but, uh...

I was a battered husband.

Phil, that was

the Wednesday night

prior to the accident?

That's right.

And at no point

during the evening

did you leave the house?

No, I was watching TV

the entire evening.

And what about Jeff?

Well, him and Mona had

a fight earlier that night.

Oh. Do you recall

what was said?

Yeah, he said she was

an embarrassment to

the family and then took off.

Oh, the kid was lit up

like a damn Christmas tree.

I've never seen him so drunk.

Hi, Bob.

Ye-yes.

Bob.

I was talking to Ellen

earlier and, uh,

she told me you were worried

about your finances,

and I just...

You know, you and I

are practically family now.

You shouldn't have

to bear that burden alone.

If ever you want to talk,

or get something

off your chest...

Well, I appreciate that.

Just imagine

that you're Annie

and I'm "Daddy" Warbucks.

"Daddy" Warbucks.

Yeah.

Or I'm Auntie Mame

and you're little Patrick.

Huh?

Well.

Now, tell me something, Bob.

What did you think

about Mona Dearly?

Mona?

She was, uh...

[GLASS BREAKING]

She was the worst person

that I ever knew,

I guess, in my entire life.

Hey, how are you doing,

Mrs. Dearly?

I just came

to give Jeff his pay.

How come you're all dolled up?

I'm taking Ellie

to dinner theater.

Come on, come on.

MONA: What you gonna see?

Oh, Calcutta.

Come on, what you doing?

Get over here.

Give me my money.

Yo, what is this?

Trying to tell me this is

what I busted my anus for?

For 287.50?

It's always 287.50.

Mom, he's totally

trying to rip me off.

You holding out on us,

Calzone?

Where's the rest, ya dick?

Looks to me

like he's wearing it.

Yeah, nice shoes.

This is a joke, right?

JEFF: You're a joke.

BOBBY: You guys

are kidding, right?

MONA: Kidding?

You feel like laughing?

Laugh at this.

Hey.

Yeah, kick his ass, mom.

You're paying

for that headlight.

Hey, what are you doing?

Get out of there.

You'll pay for that headlight.

Take it out

of Jeffrey's pay.

Yeah.

[ALL CLAMORING]

MONA: Let go!

What are you doing?

BOBBY: God! This is...

I mean, enough is enough.

All I ever wanted was...

A nice professional business

so Ellie and I could have a-a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what this is?

This is the world's

smallest tambourine.

And it's... And it's playing

some sort of song

or something.

Shut up! Shut up!

That's a violin,

you asshole.

Give me that thing.

Give me that.

I think it's time we...

We started talking about

dissolving the business.

I mean, it's nothing personal.

It's a business decision.

No way.

Don't even think

about it, scumbag.

As I see it,

you got two options.

Buy us out,

or pray for an early death.

[GLASS BREAKING]

Go enjoy

your dinner theater.

But, I mean, you know,

she probably had

her good points too.

Well, most people

have two sides.

Well, she just

showed me the one.

[LAUGHTER]

[COUGHING]

That Jeff Dearly, man.

What about him?

You gotta hand it to him.

Hey, Jeff, what's your handle?

Hey, Jeff.

Hands up.

Hey, speaking of which,

guess what I heard.

[SCREAMING]

That's not a logging accident.

What's the difference?

Why, what did you hear?

What about that

fishing accident?

[GURGLING, GROWLING]

[CRUNCHING, GROWLING]

Are you serious?

See?

Wow.

[MUFFLED NOTES]

It's a terrible loss.

♪ What a void in my life! ♪

Okay, all right.

Father Tom,

it has been difficult.

Father Tom,

it has been difficult.

It's been really hard.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Jeff, come on.

We don't want to miss this.

Let's go.

Yeah, right.

♪ Well I never been to Spain ♪

[SCRATCHING]

♪ But I kind of like the music ♪

♪ Say the ladies are insane there ♪

♪ And they sure know how to use it ♪

[SNIFFING]

♪ They don't abuse it ♪

♪ Never gonna lose it ♪

♪ I can't refuse it ♪

♪ Well I never been to England... ♪

What's wrong?

Nothing.

What did your dad

want to see you about?

Nothing. He just

asked me some questions

about Mrs. Dearly.

What about her?

What kind of questions?

Just about the accident.

What does he think?

He doesn't think anything.

Really?

I mean, you'd tell me

if he said anything?

For Christ's sake, Bobby!

All right, I'm sorry.

I don't... I don't care.

I don't know

why I'm asking you.

I just...

With Jeff not at work,

you know, I'm shorthanded.

I'm just...

Really tired.

What did you want

to talk to me about?

Forget about it.

Do you imagine the Dearlys

were like us when

they were our age?

Uh.

No, she was always fat.

[SNORING]

Yo, what time is it?

Uh, 8:30.

Jesus! I'm dyin' over here.

Keep in mind,

we're remembering

a lifetime.

Yeah, all right.

Ten more minutes then.

Aw, to hell with it.

Let's go.

Hey, Cubby.

Me and Jeff don't think

there's much point

hanging out.

In...

In my experience,

wakes aren't very well attended.

I've found that often times...

The tragedy is so recent that...

That loved ones are...

In effect paralyzed...

By their grief.

Hey, hey, listen.

Who are we kidding, huh?

No one's gonna come.

Not with the game on.

Oh, shit.

I got money on that game.

Yeah, you and everyone's mother.

[LAUGHING]

Hey. I thought

you were coming by.

Yeah, you know...

Yeah. Hey, Jeff.

Yeah, hey, Rone.

Yeah, you know I can't say

your mom was good people.

Hey, are those pies

fresh over there?

No.

FEEGE: Hey, Phil.

Hey, Feege.

Shame about Mona.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you snooze, you lose.

Hey, guys, how you doing?

All right? Bonsoir.

Bonsoir.

JEFF: Yo, can we

sit down already?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just take that booth

over there.

PHIL: Thanks, babe.

RONA: What?

[BELL DINGS]

Good evening,

friends.

Oh, Jesus, Cubby!

Hey.

You've got a...

You've got

nice pictures in here.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Yeah. Where is everyone?

Jeff and Phil

are at the palace

getting some grub,

Ah.

but if you care

to look at the deceased...

Sure.

Wow.

Yeah.

She looks so peaceful.

In death one finds serenity.

I guess.

[SNIFFING]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

CUBBY: Beautiful.

Dynamite stuff.

That's fantastic.

[BELL DINGS]

Hey, Wyatt.

Hey, Cubby.

Some turnout.

Yeah.

So, who showed up?

Uh.

Jeff. Phil.

Bobby and Ellen...

Stopped by about an hour ago.

Otherwise,

it's just been me

and my dinner date.

Tell me something, Cubby.

You notice

anything odd lately?

You mean other than the fact

that no one seems to care

about this woman's death?

Along those lines.

Hell, Wyatt,

I've seen people more

upset over losing change

in a candy machine.

[LAUGHING]

Who says you can't catch

nothing in the river?

You know,

Feege is right.

FEEGE: Of course I'm right.

We should show a little respect.

Jeff, why don't you say a word?

Jeff.

Huh?

Jeff, why don't

you say a word?

About what?

About your mother.

All right.

To mom.

And yeah, she was

kind of mean,

but she was still my mom.

Someone had to be.

[ALL LAUGHING]

MURPH: All right, everybody.

Let's hear a nice round

of applause...

...for our final contestant,

Mona Dearly.

All right, nice grouping.

Nice grouping.

Hey, everybody.

Give her another

round of applause.

Now we're awaiting

the judges' decision.

The judges are deciding...

...who will win the coveted...

"Golden angel."

The winner...

Of the Verplanck's

knife-throwing contest is...

Bobby Calzone!

Oh, my god!

I never win anything.

MURPH: I know.

Just a goddamn minute.

You didn't vote for me.

Well, sort of...

What do you mean, "sort of"?

They all say, "Bobby."

Really?

Phil, you're my husband.

You're supposed to support me.

Yeah, but Bobby had

really good form though, hon.

Thanks, Mr. Dearly.

You're welcome, Bobby.

Mona, we're just having

a little fun here.

"Fun."

I lost, Wyatt.

I'm a loser.

Does that sound

like fun to you?

Well, Mona,

I'm sorry that you lost,

but...

Yeah, it's just

a lousy little contest.

I know.

Everybody can't be

a winner, Mona.

But I've never been a winner.

I've never had my chance.

You're blowing this

out of proportion.

It's just

a knife-throwing contest.

Yeah, to you maybe.

But not to me.

I really wanted this.

Just for one day...

One day... To be a winner.

To have everybody

look at me and say,

"Yo, way to go, Mona."

Would it have killed you

to let me take home

that prize? Huh? Huh?

Just for one day

to let me feel good

about myself?

I don't know what to say.

BOBBY: Mrs. Dearly.

You can have the trophy.

I'm gonna have

a second chance.

Why don't you take

that trophy and shove it

right up your ass, Calzone?

Mona, Bobby's just

trying to help.

I don't need his sympathy.

You know, my mother

used to say...

If life gives you potatoes,

make potato salad.

Well, life handed me

a whole pile of shit.

What am I supposed

to make out of that?

Shit salad?

Just shut up.

The whole pack of youse,

just shut up.

FEEGE: ...and it won't be

the last one.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Feege.

Shh.

Feege.

Come here.

Look, I've been thinking.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't. Don't.

Listen to me.

Just listen to me.

Jeff Dearly's key chain

is on a rack in his kitchen.

Great. Wonderful.

But where is it

supposed to be?

I have no idea.

Why don't you tell me?

Hanging from the ignition

of the victim's car.

Well, what about Mona's keys?

That's what I'm saying.

Mona's keys are on Jeff's

key ring in the kitchen.

Jeff's keys are on Mona's

key chain in the car.

So, what, somebody

switched their keys?

Definitely.

No, no.

I don't think so.

Oh, you don't think so?

Wyatt, Wyatt,

as far as I'm concerned,

ding, dong, the witch is dead.

End of story.

Eh, one less

ain't gonna kill her.

It's kind of weird, you know,

seeing the tombstone and all.

BOBBY: "Demoted wife,

mother and dressmaker."

I didn't know your mom

was a dressmaker.

Me neither.

Guess what.

They're calling

Mona's accident a case.

Ow.

Which means

they don't think she died

because of some slippery road.

So?

So that means

there's an investigation.

It means they have leads.

Phil, I watch A&E.

I understand the way

a cop's mind works.

See, they see you standin'

here and touchin' me...

And the next thing you know,

there's the background check

and the profile and

the psychological workup.

I just came for lunch.

Phil, these are smart guys.

These are really,

really smart guys.

They have tools.

Tools?

Yeah, of the trade.

So, what are you trying to say?

Just stop being

so damn conspicuous,

would you please?

Okay.

Good.

I'll see you later

at the charm.

Yeah.

Stop it!

♪ I've been a bad boy ♪

♪ Ah ha ♪

♪ I've been a bad boy but

I don't mean that your mine ♪

♪ Some folks drink whiskey ♪

♪ Some folks drink gin... ♪

Want something?

Light beer, please.

Hey, Bobby.

So, Chief Rash has been

snooping around a bit.

What do you think

he's looking for?

Hard to say, Phil.

What do you think?

Been getting

much sleep lately, Bob?

Yep.

Any nightmares or bad dreams?

No.

Listen, there's

a lot of talk going on.

You know, the kind

where things get said,

fingers get pointed,

landscapers

get incarcerated...

Hold on a minute.

Before you say anything,

I want to say

something to you.

You did the greatest favor

anybody's ever done for me.

I just came by to say thank you.

Thank you, Bob.

Would you like a beer?

I'll have one.

Can I have a beer, please?

Cheers.

Fingers get pointed.

Landscapers get incarcerated.

Landscapers...

[VOICES ECHOING]

MONA:

Look at the little kiss ass.

Peaches.

Get out of my sight.

Peaches.

Pray for an early death.

Don't...

Laugh at this.

Ah.

ELLEN: Bobby, he ran

over it with a lawn mower.

[BARKING]

[ECHOING]

...a lawn mower, a lawn mower.

Peaches! Don't do that!

Don't! No!

No! Peaches!

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

What's the matter

with you?

What are you doing here?

Listen,

I was trying to tell you

something last night and...

What? Wait.

It was a mistake.

I mean, she wasn't

supposed to die.

Excuse me?

I don't know what

happened to me. I just...

They were driving me crazy.

Every single day

they were haranguing me

and I...

What are you talking about?

I just snapped.

I thought I was killing Jeff.

I tried to puncture the...

Just, I didn't know

I was puncturing things.

But I thought it was Jeff's.

I didn't know...

What did you do that for?

You killed Mona Dearly.

I know.

But why?

Because.

I thought I was killing Jeff.

Bobby, my dad is

the chief of police!

I know,

but I wasn't gonna

go through with it.

It doesn't matter.

You killed someone!

I know, but I was

doing it for us.

Jeff was killing the business,

and Mona wasn't

gonna let me out

of the partnership, so I...

Well, it seemed like

a good idea at the time.

A good idea at the time?

Cut the grass at 6:00,

lay sod at 7:00,

drown the Dearlys at 8:00?

But I was doing it for us.

It was for us.

It was for our perfect life

'cause everything

that we wanted...

Well, that's just great.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well,

I'm pregnant.

What?

You're pregnant?

Mm-hmm.

It's mine?

Mmm-hmm.

That's fantastic.

Yeah, I thought so too

until about a minute ago.

Oh, man.

I can't believe this.

I mean, how could you, Bobby?

We're not killers,

we're good people.

I wasn't gonna

go through with...

But you're not even supposed

to get to that place.

You're supposed to have

that thing that goes off

in your head that says,

"Bad fucking idea, Bobby!"

I have that thing. I have it.

It just didn't go off.

I'm sorry. Please.

Please, I love you.

I'm so sorry.

Man, I can't believe

you killed someone!

[SHOUTS]

Where are you going?

Home.

We need milk.

Hey, chief.

Please come in.

Thanks, Phil.

Have a seat.

[SIGHS]

Thanks for coming by, chief.

What's on your mind, Phil?

Well,

it sure seems clear to me

that my Mona was a victim

of an act of treachery,

and there's no doubt

in my mind that

she's been murdered.

What makes you so sure?

I saw it happen.

You saw it happen?

Now granted, this ain't

easy for me to say,

and it's something

I should've said before.

You've been playing

Wheel of Fortune

with someone else!

I would've told you before,

but when family's involved,

you know, I mean,

things can get

a little dicey.

Hmm.

Well, I appreciate

your discretion.

Phil, what can you tell me

about Rona Mace?

Rona?

Mace. Yeah.

Oh, well, that's, uh...

She's, uh...

She's a good friend

who's been real supportive

since the tragedy.

Was she supportive

prior to the tragedy?

Hey, chief, I've, uh...

You know, I may not

have been happily married,

but I did take an oath.

♪ It's the weekend ♪

♪ And I know that you're free ♪

♪ So put on your jeans

and come on out with me ♪

[BELL DINGING]

The usual, madam?

If you'd be so kind.

♪ I need to see you come to me ♪

♪ I need to have you near me ♪

Good luck on your free spin.

♪ You and me ♪

♪ On my motorbike ridin' ♪

♪ In the sun and the wind

and the rain ♪

♪ I got money in my pocket ♪

♪ Got a tiger in my tank ♪

♪ And I'm king of the road again ♪

♪ I'll meet ya ♪

♪ In the usual place... ♪

♪ I'm a wheel watcher

I'm a wheel watcher ♪

Hoo! I want it, baby.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on.

Free spin, honey.

Free spin.

PHIL:

♪ I'm a wheel watcher ♪

RONA: Oh, please.

Will you just cut the shit

and get down to business?

PHIL: Okay, okay.

Can I buy a vowel?

You know what, Phil?

I've really been a good

sport about all of this.

I really have.

I've really tried

to do what you want.

You wanted to buy an "O,"

so I let you buy a vowel.

I did.

Because you wanted

to buy a vowel.

So I let you buy an "O".

But that wasn't good enough.

You had to have the free spin.

You wanted to have the,

you know, trip to Acapulco.

Well, you know what?

You landed on bankrupt, buddy.

But I wanna solve your puzzle.

Please. Please, Phil.

I beg you.

Please tell me that I didn't

spend all this time with you

to end up like this.

Don't do this!

I'm a 33-year-old waitress...

At a friggin' diner

that doesn't

encourage tipping.

Thirty-three?

What the hell

are you doing here?

Uh, well, that's, uh...

Well, you know,

me and Rona here...

Phil, Jesus Christ.

Be a man.

Jeff, whatever you think

is happening in here

is happening.

You're cheating on mom?

Mom's dead, son.

Oh, but baby, how could

you do this to me?

Uh, e-excuse me.

Did you just say "baby"?

CUBBY:

Keep it down over there!

I'm paying by the hour!

Hey, you shut up!

People!

Please!

Have some respect!

What is the matter with you?

You're gonna get your...

You're a dead man,

Dearly.

I gotta get the hell

out of this joint.

[SIGHING]

Hey, what's this?

Oh. I thought we'd

celebrate the baby,

but I'm not really

in the mood right now.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who's that?

What am I, Dionne Warwick?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hang on!

Dad!

Hi.

Hi! What are you

doing here? Hi!

Good to see you.

How you doing,

Mr. Rash?

Bob. What's that?

Oh! Uh...

You might want

to sit down for this.

We're pregnant.

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations, grandpa.

Oh. Oh, honey.

That's just...

That's great.

[ELLEN LAUGHING]

BOBBY: Thank you.

ELLEN: I know

it's sooner...

Than we thought,

but we're in love, dad.

Starting a family's

all we've ever wanted.

It is.

I love you, baby.

I love you too.

Come on, dad.

Have a drink with us.

[SIGHS]

So, how's the...

Police force coming?

Going?

I understand you don't

cut the Schneiders'

lawn anymore.

No, sir.

Not since Jeff

killed Peaches.

Jeff killed Peaches?

I thought it was

the other way around.

That Peaches killed Jeff?

No, that you killed Peaches.

Me? I loved Peaches.

Poor Peaches.

I can't believe you did that!

It was in the way, all right?

You were chasing after it

with the lawn mower.

Like you never killed a dog.

BOBBY:

And now we lost that account.

That's right, blame me...

Just like you blame me

for everything else.

Look, Jeff,

if you keep losing

the accounts, we're not

gonna have a business.

And then how am I gonna

take care of Ellen?

Are you trying

to screw up Jeffrey's

business?

Huh? Huh?

Mrs. Dearly,

you're hurting my neck.

What are you doin'?

Don't touch my mom!

What do you think you're doing

touching my mom?

What, are you nuts?

You tore my overalls!

Hey, hey, Jeff,

I don't think that's a...

That's just

your problem, Phil.

You don't think!

I've had it with you, Calzone!

What's that supposed to mean?

You'll see.

Trust me, buddy. You'll see.

And... You said "overalls"?

Yeah.

Hmm.

I need to know

one more thing, Bobby.

I need to know where you were

Wednesday night.

Uh, at The Hideaway.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm at The Hideaway

every night.

Well, I mean,

not-not every night, but...

Well...

Yeah, I'm-I'm there

every night, so...

So, yeah, I was there.

Hi, Valerie.

Got a flat?

You need a hand?

Hey, how ya doin',

Mr. Rash?

Oh, that's some shiner

you got there.

Oh, no, it's nothing.

Well, it's not nothing.

I got clocked in the eye

Wednesday night

at The Hideaway.

Wednesday night?

That's...

Ellie never

mentioned anything.

I don't think

she knows about it.

Her and Bobby weren't there.

So what happened here?

I was just driving

when all of a sudden

the tire blew out.

Pulled off the flat

and I found this.

Where do you suppose

that came from?

"JB Landscaping."

She was a lousy driver.

It probably caught up

with her.

I was a battered husband.

This car was done to death.

FEEGE: Ding, dong

and the witch is dead...

End of story.

PHIL:

I would have told you before,

but when family's involved,

you know, things

can get a little dicey.

I don't think she knows

about it. Her and Bobby

weren't there.

I'm at The Hideaway every night.

JEFF:

Bobby Calzone did it.

LUCINDA: ...fixed to kill.

Look, Jeff, I am sorry

if I hurt your feelings

and everything.

It's just, I don't know,

I kind of thought that if

your dad and I got married,

you know, maybe

the three of us could...

What, live together...

So you could bang

the both of us?

Well, sort of.

Look, Rona, I can't do this.

I been going crazy all day

just thinking about you

and that freak Phil.

Look, if you're worried

about me and Phil

getting married,

you know, forget about it,

'cause it ain't gonna

happen.

Well, then,

why don't you marry me?

Come on, Jeff.

I mean, come on.

Be serious.

I'm totally serious.

Look, I know I don't

got no ring or nothin',

Rone, but...

But I love you,

you know, and like,

like, I always loved you.

And, well, you know,

if I lived a life

without you,

it just wouldn't be

a life worth living.

Come on, Rone.

Can we play Wheel of Fortunenow?

♪ Gimme that, gimme that

gimme, gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that thing, gimme that

gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that thing, gimme that

gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme that thing ♪

No. Stop.

♪ Oh, gimme that, gimme that,

gimme, gimme, gimme that ♪

Stop!

Stop. Phil!

♪ Gimme that thing, gimme that

gimme, gimme that ♪

Phil! Phil!

♪ Gimme that thing, gimme that

gimme, gimme that ♪

Ooh, Phil!

♪ Gimme, gimme gimme that thing ♪

[SNORING]

Where you going?

I can't sleep.

Go back to bed.

Okay.

Hey.

Don't kill anyone, honey.

Okay.

[WHISPERING]

Murph. Murph.

Excuse me, Murph.

Murph!

Give your daddy some sugar.

It's Bobby.

Murph! Wake up.

Cuddles?

No. It's Bobby.

I know that you think

I killed Mona, all right?

But the truth of the matter

is that I might have

done something...

That, uh...

Murph.

[SNORING]

Murph.

Hey. Hey.

Murph!

I touched her once!

One time. That's it.

Listen. Hey.

I need you to do me a favor.

Can you cover for me?

Hey.

Yeah, I'll cover for you.

[SNORING]

Hey. How you doin', Murph?

MURPH:

Hey, chief. How ya doin'?

Good. I'm fine.

Murph, I wanted

to ask you...

A couple questions about Bobby.

Uh, I ran into Valerie,

and, uh, she had the black eye

thing going there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know, chief,

it's terrible times

we're living in...

When a gal can't even

go get a beer...

Without getting clocked

in the eye, you know?

[LAUGHING]

Yeah and she said

that if Bobby was here

the other night,

he would have kept her

from getting beat up.

So he wasn't here, is that it?

No, no. Bobby?

Bobby was here.

No, he was here.

He was here.

He was, uh...

Picked a hell of a time

to go to the bathroom!

JEFF:

What's the matter?

What?

Nothing's the matter.

JIMMY: Drowning.

Terrible way to go.

TONY: Yeah. Yeah.

Rather take a bullet

in the head.

Sure.

Rather get thrown

right off a skyscraper.

Yeah. Thrown in front

of a truck, or...

I had a dog drown on me once.

No kidding.

She couldn't paddle.

You think they can

all paddle, but...

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[BOTH MUTTERING]

We're gonna have to go

in now, you know.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Chief. Yeah.

Oh. Well, get him out.

What are you

standing around for?

We were just trying...

...to preserve the integrity

of the crime scene.

Forensic disturbance of the...

It's water. Get him out.

Right. Right.

Okay. Okay.

We're going in.

Here we go.

[RASH] Go on.

Here we go.

Let's go.

All right.

Here we go.

Okay. And up!

One more.

And up.

Up. Up.

Yeah.

This used to be such

a nice, quiet town.

He was

a battered husband.

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Okay, chief.

All right.

Don't go anywhere.

Who found him?

Hi, Clarence.

I see you took a little dip

in the water, huh?

Every once in a while,

a fella's gotta

cool himself off.

Mmm.

Yeah.

So you want to tell me

what happened?

Hi, Murph.

How you doin',

Ellie?

Not bad.

[HUMMING HERE COMES THE BRIDE]

Guess who's

a bad swimmer.

Hmm?

Guess who sleeps

with the fishes.

What do you mean?

Phil Dearly wound up

on the wrong end

of the proverbial beverage.

Murph, speak English

for Christ sakes.

What happened to Phil?

They found him this morning,

dead in the water...

So to speak.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

RASH: Ellie!

Ellie!

[WEEPING]

[CRYING]

Where's my dad?

What's the matter?

What's going on,

honey?

Where's my daddy?

Calm down. Slow down.

Take a deep breath.

[SOBBING]

What's going on?

[LOUD CRASH]

I just found out.

Murph told me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.

[TONY]

No, no. I can't.

Bobby's a murderer!

Not today. No.

Not tomorrow. I can't.

No. I can't do it.

Yeah.

You got problems, dude.

Huh?

Look, I covered for you

long enough.

Come on, man.

The bodies are starting

to pile up.

Bodies are piling up?

Get in the car.

Get...

Okay.

Hey, Murph. How you doing?

A shitload better than your dad.

BOBBY: What happened

to his dad?

MURPH: What are

you turning into?

Whose body is it?

A serial killer

on me?

Have you seen Ellen?

Mmm-mmm.

No? Rona.

Don't go anywhere

because you and I need

to have a little dialogue.

[BELL DINGS]

Where you going?

I'm getting the hell

out of here.

Listen. If Phil calls,

you don't know where I am.

Oh. Didn't I tell you?

Tell me what?

Phil's dead, honey.

Phil's dead?

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, I...

I told somebody.

We're getting married Sunday.

It's gonna be okay, sweetie.

Try to breathe.

Okay. I gotta go.

The closer we get

to the wedding,

the more people he murders.

I mean,

what's up with that?

[WAILS]

Like, I've heard of cold feet,

but Jesus, Lucinda,

I can't marry a murderer.

That's not who I am.

That's not what I'm about.

Shh.

It's gonna be okay.

Oh, I really appreciate

you doing this.

That's what friends are for.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's okay.

Everyone says

weddings are stressful.

RASH: Ellie.

I just...

I didn't see it coming.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Maybe we should have

eloped,

or maybe I pushed him

too hard with the boneless

breast of chicken and all.

Sweetie, don't do this

to yourself.

The thing is,

if he really did kill anyone,

it's just 'cause he loves me.

I'm not saying it's okay.

It's just, that's how

committed he is, you know?

To the relationship.

Sweetheart, there are

other ways to show you care.

I know.

I know. I just...

I love him so much, dad.

I know you do.

I'm gonna sort

this whole mess out.

All right?

Okay.

Was mom like this

before you guys

got married?

That was a little different.

How's that?

Well, no one died then, honey.

Right.

Dad?

Yeah, baby?

You're not gonna tell him

about Lucinda, are you?

Of course not.

Besides,

I experimented a bit

when I was your age too.

Hi, Jeff.

Hey, Rona, what are you doing?

What does it look like

I'm doing, Jeff?

I'm getting

the hell out of here.

You want to give me a hand?

Oh, that's very funny.

You didn't think "stumpy"

was funny last night.

Look, Jeff,

what about last night?

What do you mean,

"what about last night?"

[SCREAMING]

Phil!

I told you to stay

away from her!

You're gonna pay for this!

You got the short end

of the stick, Phil.

She don't love you.

Hey, it ain't the meat

but the motion.

You don't know

how screwed you are.

All of youse.

You, Rona, Bobby.

I'm gonna expose you all.

Jeff! Give me a hand!

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Why don't you

friggin' swim home?

Oh, what,

you think I killed him?

Glub, blub, blub, blub,

blub, blub.

I'm not gonna stick around

and wait for the autopsy.

So, what, you're leaving me?

Is that it?

Look, Jeff, no offense?

Your family is whacked, man.

[SCOFFS]

All right, fine.

Fine. I'm leaving then.

Okay.

This is double-o two.

Come in, double-o one.

Yeah, go, Feege.

Hey, chief, you

remember Rona Mace?

Vaguely.

She's about a heartbeat

away from scratching gravel.

RASH: Did you say

"scratching gravel"?

Copy that, chief.

Get Tony and Jimmy

over there.

I'm on my way.

Hang on, honey.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hey, Murph.

Rone.

Hey, Miss Mace,

seen Ellie?

No.

What?

What's the matter?

[SIREN WAILING]

Has he apprehended him?

Stay calm.

JIMMY:

If we take him down...

I didn't do it!

Put your hands down.

I didn't do it.

Put your damn hands down.

I didn't do it.

I didn't do it either.

Put your

damn hands down.

I didn't mean to kill her.

Listen. Just keep

your mouth shut.

Move over here

and shut up.

Where you goin', Rona?

I'm owed vacation time.

I find that

highly unlikely.

Listen. No son-in-law

of mine is gonna go

to prison, you understand?

Hey! In case anyone

gives a shit,

Jeff Dearly is over at

the cemetery

with a gun to his head.

Holy, shit!

[GROANS]

All right, nobody move,

all right?

Tony, Jimmy, just...

Keep everybody here.

Feege, you come with me.

Come on!

RASH: Stay here!

Stay calm, all the residents.

Don't let them move.

TONY:

You got it, boss.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[SIREN WAILING]

[ENGINE CRANKING]

Come on, baby, come on!

[SIREN WAILING]

[ENGINE CRANKING]

JEFF: Don't move

any closer, sheriff!

I swear to god I'll do this.

No, no, no, no, no!

He's not a sheriff.

Look, Jeff,

I know how upset

you are about your dad.

To hell with him!

Everyone knows he's

not my real daddy.

Then why are you doing this?

'Cause she said she was

gonna marry me.

Who?

She said she was gonna

be my wife.

I don't know who

you're talking about.

Rona!

I love her!

I love you too, baby.

I told you to stay put!

Jeff, honey, please

don't make me a widow

before we get married.

Do it, Jeff! Do it!

Don't do it! Don't do it!

Don't do it!

You've got your whole life...

Ahead of you...

Well, unless you choose to

blow your brains out, but...

Jeff, don't... Don't do it.

I know you all think

I killed my parents.

We don't think

you killed anybody.

You're full of shit.

Everyone knows I've been

wanting to get back at her...

Ever since that night.

Hey, ma, there's no more beer.

Give me some of yours.

Don't touch

that beer, Jeff.

Oh, come on...

I said...

[SCREAMS]

[ALL GROANING]

JEFF:

Was I so wrong?

You bet your ass!

Yeah, but I didn't

kill her.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I'm glad she's dead

and all,

but I sure as hell didn't do it.

Jeff, I know

you didn't kill her.

I didn't kill my dad neither.

Then why don't you

give me the gun.

'Cause my life sucks, man!

ELLEN: Don't do it.

It's not gonna feel good.

Give it a whirl.

You shut up!

You know what?

To hell with all of youse.

This is bullshit.

[CLAMORING]

RASH: No! No! Give...

[GUNSHOT]

[CLAMORING]

I'm all right.

Is anybody hit?

No.

I'm all right.

I got the gun.

Come back.

You got it?

Okay. All right.

You all right?

Yeah.

TONY: Everything

jake here, chief?

Just securing the circumference.

[GROANS]

Come on.

Come on, you little baby.

Come with me.

Am I in trouble?

No. Listen to me

very carefully.

I want you to remember

every word I say.

I spoke to Clarence earlier,

and these are

the exact words he used.

I'm deeply hurt.

How do you mean?

All this talk

about Ellie's wedding...

And I wasn't even invited.

Of course

you were invited...

You and your wife.

I'm married?

Clarence...

Now, what the hell's going on?

Oh, you mean

with the damp clothes

and the hair?

That's a start.

That's 'cause just

last night I killed, uh...

Jeez. What the hell's

his name?

Phil Dearly.

I killed Phil.

[GASPING, COUGHING]

Hey, Clarence, give me a hand!

Come on!

Hold on, buddy!

Hang on.

[GASPS]

Any reason why?

Any reason?

Well...

[THUNDER CRASHING]

You know the night in question?

I was seeing it all go down,

and I got to tell you,

it didn't look good

for Bobby.

Phil Dearly knew that Bobby

tried to kill Mona.

Bobby wound up

in the hoosegow...

Pardon?

The jug, the can,

the coop.

If Bobby got thrown

in the pokey,

what kind of life

would that be

for Ellie and the baby?

How did you know

she was pregnant?

The point is, I just

couldn't sit there

and let Phil Dearly...

Take down

the only decent people

still left in this town.

Well, thank you, Clarence,

for the thought, but...

You still did a very,

very bad thing.

To bad people.

So you punctured

the fetzer valve.

Phil cut the brake lines,

then he switched

Mona's keys...

And drove the final nail

into her coffin.

I don't know what to say,

Mr. Rash.

Don't say anything, Bob.

But know this...

I will die

before I ever let you

ruin my daughter's life.

I will hunt you down,

chasing you to the ends

of the earth,

pursuing you relentlessly...

Until I am satisfied

that you know what it is

to suffer the wrath of god.

You will welcome the relief

that death will bring.

Got it?

Got it.

I just want us

to be happy, Bobby.

You, me,

Ellen, the baby...

We're gonna be like

the Von Trapp family.

You know, The Sound of Music?

The family from Austria

with Julie Andrews...

And all the little kids singing?

♪ La, la, la, la ta-da, ta-da, ta-da ♪

Come with me.

Marriage is an institution not

to be entered into lightly.

So, is there anyone here

who feels that this couple

should not be joined

in holy wedlock?

Last chance.

Okay, so be it.

I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

In nomine patrius et filius spiritu sanctus.

Amen.

[BELLS CHIMING]

Come on, what are youse waiting for?

I'm dying here.

I love you.

I love you too.

[LAUGHS]

[APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

WOMAN: Congratulations.

MAN: Way to go, Bobby.

♪ If I was the king of the world ♪

♪ Tell you what I'd do ♪

♪ Throw away the cars

and the bars and the wars ♪

Where's your date?

I don't have a date.

♪ And make sweet love to you ♪

What are you gonna do

afterwards?

Nothing...

Unless somebody dies.

♪ Joy to the fishes

in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Joy to you and me ♪

Congratulations, you two.

Hi. Uh...

Well, Clarence, buddy,

it's, uh, it's time.

You ready?

Things good, Cubby?

Yeah. How about you?

Okay.

♪ You know I love the ladies ♪

♪ Love to have my fun ♪

[PAGER BEEPING]

♪ I'm a high night flier

and a rainbow rider ♪

♪ A straight-shootin' son of a gun ♪

♪ Listen I said a

straight-shootin' son of a gun ♪

♪ Now sing it ♪

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ All the boys and girls ♪

♪ Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Joy to you and me ♪

♪ Ooh joy joy to you and me ♪

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ All the boys and girls ♪

♪ Joy to the world ♪

[FADES, ENDS]

♪ Bury me under saltwater ♪

♪ Bury me under the sand ♪

♪ Bury me under the ocean ♪

♪ But bury me with your own hands ♪

♪ Bury me under the desert floor ♪

♪ Maybe somewhere near the Rio Grande ♪

♪ But if you bury me beside you ♪

♪ Maybe then I'll understand ♪

♪ Bury me inside a subway ♪

♪ In a station no one knows ♪

♪ Bury me where no one finds me ♪

♪ But bury me in my own clothes ♪

♪ Bury me under a mountain ♪

♪ Bury me under the flames ♪

♪ Bury me with muddy waters ♪

♪ Under 21 feet of Mississippi rain ♪

♪ Oh in your sand ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Near the Rio Grande ♪

♪ Bury me in your hills ♪

♪ Bury me by the old town ♪

♪ And every summer near the mouth ♪

♪ Let a warm wind surround me ♪

♪ And carry my body south ♪

♪ Bury me with all your guilt and sorrow ♪

♪ Bury me in the back lane ♪

♪ Just bury me beside you ♪

♪ Under 21 feet of Mississippi rain ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Your sand ♪

♪ Somewhere near the Rio Grande ♪

♪ Bury me in your hands ♪

♪ In your hands ♪

♪ Bury me ♪

♪ Bury me in your hands ♪

Drowning Mona (2000) - full transcript