Drive Me Crazy (1999) - full transcript

Nicole Maris is a popular high school preppy senior in Utah who gets her life turned upside down when her perfect date, Brad, falls for a cute cheerleader from another school a month before the school's centennial senior prom. After recovering from the shock, Nicole comes up with a solution to save her reputation: find a guy to appear like they're going steady and to take her to the dance hoping to make Brad jealous. Nicole then hooks up with her next door neighbor, prankster and trouble maker Chase Hammond, and tries to model him in her own image while he's looking to make his long-term girlfriend Dulcie jealous too. However, both Nicole and Chase don't expect their charade to lead it where they never expected it to.

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Oh, man.

- I am so wired.
- More so than usual?

Way more.

I made a model of centennial
last night complete with guests.

I stayed up all night.

I've got the entire thing
planned out, every detail.

You didn't sleep?
You should have slept.

I'm a freak, aren't I?

No, you're just very... focused.

Exactly. So what do you think
of my mom's red halter?

For your interview today?
It's a little slutty.



Let me rephrase. What do you think
Brad'll think of my mom's red halter?

I think Brad has
better taste than that.

Really?
Okay, see you in a minute.

Got milk?

Thanks a lot.
You're a lifesaver.

- You're welcome.
- Sorry about that.

It's goat's milk.

Dad, bring the milk home.

Come on, Dad. Come on.

Dad, can I take the milk
off your hands?

- Good morning, Chase.
- Good morning, Mrs. Maris.

Mom, can I borrow
your red halter?

Would you look at that?

They'll be away at college next year.



Time flies.

Seems like only yesterday
they were practically living together

in that old tree house.

- Dad, milk.
- Mom.

Seriously, you two used to do
everything together.

What happened?

Junior high happened.

Hey!

Hi. How you doing?

- Hi!

Wake up, Time Zone High.

- Morning, Tom.
- Morning, Sue.

Our top story: Centennial.
Only two months to go.

And as the 100th anniversary
of TZH approaches,

- excitement mounts.
- That's right, Sue.

And here to take
that excitement up a notch

is a "Wake Up, Time Zone" special:

Centennial... your 100-year event.

In only six weeks,

it will be exactly 100 years
since Timothy Zonin

founded Timothy Zonin High.

And both students
and alumni alike are preparing

an unforgettable Centennial Week.

Centennial Committee spokesperson
Nicole Maris expects a huge cro

Our centennial bash is the culmination
of a weeklong series of events.

It's gonna be the greatest night
of our lives.

Something this big only comes along
once every hundred years.

We're making the most of it
so you can make the most of it.

So, where are we
on the senior class skit?

- Are we doing the sculpture idea?
- Yes, it's a good idea.

Nicole, how's the rest
of the budget looking?

- $16,372...
- Good, we'll need it.

Rupert and I are working
on a deal for a jumbo screen.

- It's sick.
- Are parents invited or only alumni?

Both. Tradition.
Everyone's invited.

Why are we doing this again?

- As a protest.
- Of what?

- People, right?
- Sheep.

Check, Dave.
We're doing this to protest sheep.

And what specifically
about sheep do we object to?

- Chase.
- General herding mentality.

Man, look at 'em down there.
Yeah, drink your mochaccinos.

Sing along to Céline Dion.

What?

- What's going on?!

Sprinklers.

You guys.

Sprinklers.

- Us guys.
- You got it.

- Sprinklers.
- Exactly.

- Us guys.
- That's right.

Sprinklers.

Suspension.

I'm dead.

Not you, Ednasi.
These two recidivists.

Come on.
Sprinklers with orange water.

If anything's to blame,
it's school spirit.

He's right. School spirit...
there's your culprit.

You, remove the shades,
stand up.

- You, too, Chase.
- Me?

I need a comparison.

I always forget.

Are the pupils supposed
to be smaller or bigger?

Well, that all depends.

Am I free to go?

I think that you really
got through to them today.

When the orange water hit
the Centennial Committee table,

I almost cried,
I was laughing so hard.

But you never laugh.

Well, it was on the inside.

- Hey, Brad.
- Nicole, what's up?

What are you doing?

Just waiting for my dad.
Our monthly meeting.

You know, to keep in touch
every fourth Friday, 4:00.

- At least that's the plan.
- That's cool.

You were really good on TV today,
talking about centennial and all.

Thanks.

Well, it's a lot of work,
but it's worth it.

Hey...

do you wanna go to...

down to Shoe World with me?

Shoe World.

I can't. My dad.

But he's always late.
You wanna help me finish these fries?

I'd better not get in the way.

I gotta pick up some new kicks
for the game tonight.

Okay. Well, I'll see you there.

You're coming! Right on.

It's a time-out for the Tigers!

Why hasn't he asked me yet?

Well, there is one other option
for Bradley's centennial date.

You said the whole provincial event
barely registers on your radar,

that you'd be happy
to go with toast.

I said Brad has
all the appeal of toast.

- There's a difference.
- Come on, look at him.

Yeah?

All I'm saying is that
there's a process.

Sure, it's not written down, but I have
given all the appropriate signs,

and Brad knows the rules.

Look, it's Designated Dave.

Alicia, I've got a message
from Brad.

Can I talk to you
for a second in private?

The fact of the matter is that
the Chinese government

is so afraid of the Dalai Lama,

they actually outlawed
his likeness.

So, Ray, when are you gonna
take over "Wake Up, Time Zone"

and get some real moves on?

It's all that school spirit
bullshit propaganda.

Excitement mounts
as centennial nears.

Ray is a plotter.

Watch. You'll see.

One day we're gonna look up
in homeroom

- and "Wake Up, Time Zone" will be...
- Vivisection.

- Completely revolutionized.
- Hi, I'm Joshua Hill,

from the university's chapter
of ALF.

- That's Animal Liberation Front.
- Alf?

I think when you see what I'm about
to show you what's going on

in our laboratories
right here on campus,

you'll understand why we're taking
just a few minutes of your time.

Lights.

"Biomedical research"...
that's the two-word excuse...

- you ready to go, go, go?
- Chase, I wanna see this.

When asked about the abuses
taking place in the laboratory...

Defense! Defense! Defense!

Seldon appears to be okay,

but it's a time-out for the Tigers.

- I hope he's not hurt.
- Yeah, me, too.

I'm thrilled to report Brad's exercised
the next element of protocol.

Dave was an emissary?

He asked me if I thought
if Brad asked you

to share the evening
and if you'd say yes.

- And?
- And so I told him to tell Brad

that you said that a real man
works without a net.

- You what?
- Relax. He's all yours.

Scheming socialite snags
dream date.

Chase, do you have
to get so close?

- Closer is louder!
- That's my point!

- Mine, too.
- We can't talk up there.

We talked in the car.

Is something in particular
on your mind?

I just don't see why you won't come
with us tomorrow night.

- To ALF?
- Come on, it's right up your alley.

I told you already.
I'm not interested. Drop it.

Look, you go, okay?
Knock yourself out.

I don't get you.

I mean, you spend half your life
in detention protesting Hanson

- or the constipated hitter...
- Designated hitter.

Whatever.

But when it comes to something
really important...

What?

You think you're
so James Dean, Chase.

But all this so-called rebellion...
it's a joke.

We're breaking up, aren't we?

I just think that we're headed
in different directions.

That's all.

Are you stoned?

Are you serious?

It's 9:00 p.m.

yeah, so it is.

You didn't get out of bed all day.

Then wouldn't
the correct question be,

"Son, are you ill?"

- Are you?
- No.

Are you stoned?

You could tell me, you know.
I'd be cool.

Yeah, I know you'd be cool.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

It means I've read your yearbook.

"Onward through the fog.
Light up and party.

Have sex, be free,
we're the class of '73."

Are you stoned?

Dad, until you come in here

and see a black light
and felt Led Zeppelin poster,

rest easy.

Promise?

Promise.

Mr. Hammond.

- Yo, rise and shine.
- We've got dates.

Dates?

What are you doing?

If security asks, just come
over here and do your job.

Nicole, I'm afraid
I've got some news.

Yeah?

Adonis jock falls hard
for rival spirit head.

Translation?

The cheerleader from Apex,
the one he landed on

last week in the game.

The slut who pretended
she couldn't get out of his way?

That's the one. He loves her.

Love. Like I care.

Wait a minute.

Who's he taking
to our school centennial?

That would be her.

What are we doing?

I don't know.
She swore she'd be here with friends,

you know, for safety.

She swore? Who is this chick?

- Daughter Judy.
- Maybe she had to walk Astro.

Daughter Judy's her screen name.

We've been emailing each other.
She's way into space.

- Cyber girls are hot.
- Oh, yeah.

I've never kissed another girl.

I've never kissed Chase Hammond
at the Skate Palace in sixth grade.

Chase Hammond? I never did it
with anything requiring batteries.

All right, that's enough.

- Gotta go.
- What? Wait, wait.

I thought you weren't gonna do
that "safe ride" shit this year.

Dude, colleges look
at extracurricular activities, man.

Dave, you're in.
That's not why you do it.

- Oh, yeah? Then why?
- You wanna know why?

It's the same reason you're the manager
of the basketball team...

you wanna be one of them.

Who is this "them"?
People too drunk to drive?

You're with your two best friends
waiting for girls,

one of them quite possibly
Princess Leia,

and you wanna leave so that some jock
will pat you on the head.

I'm going.

You should know that
half the party now believes

you have a part-time job
at a gentlemen's cabaret.

Like it matters. Drive me home.

You gotta be kidding.

Puke on my leather interior?
I got your ride taken care of.

- This way.
- Prince Charming is a dick.

Bring on the frogs.

Ribbit!

You called for a safe ride?

Okay, watch your head.

I learned that on "Cops."

you know where she lives?

I think I can find it.

Yo, Designated Dave,
you got room for one more, man?

Sure.

Hey, perhaps we could get you
some fries with that.

Yeah. Fries, a Coke and...

What about a milk shake?

Get yourself a Happy Meal.

Girl gets two-faced boy
in back seat.

Violence anticipated.

There are rules, you know?

- Rules?
- Rules.

- What rules?
- Seniors rule!

You don't send Designated Dave
to ask if I'll go with you

if you don't plan on
following through with the offer.

I was going to. I was going to.

It's just that...

- He just...
- Shut up!

I don't know.
I... I fell in love.

So I heard.

High school love is for saps, Brad,
or haven't you heard?

Now I'm left alone with
the embarrassment and alienation

of having to go stag to one
of the biggest nights of our lives?

Not very likely.
I might as well skip it.

Turn that thing off or I'm gonna go
Sean young on your ass!

I think she means Sean Penn.

That's good. Sean young scares me.

Yuck it up, clowns.

Yeah, if you enjoy
my humiliation,

Monday at Time Zone
should be a real "hootenin."

It's hootenanny.

I'm sorry. Look, I...

Hey, can you just
drop me off here?

But we're still a couple blocks
away from your house.

You heard the man.

- Okay, bye, meng.
- Vaya con dios.

- Later, Chase.
- Nicole, wait.

If your mom's awake,
she's gonna see right through

that Dean Martin impression.

I'll sneak you through the back.

What?

Her car's not here.

She's not home.

Okay, bye.

- Moron.

One eyebrow.
Taking Georgia Ann Warner.

Failed health. Taking Sue.

Taking Dee Vine.

Refers to himself
as the de-virginator.

Give it up, bonehead.

Princess Leia ain't coming.

Take me to centennial, Chase.

Nicole?

- How'd you get this number?
- I remembered it.

Take me?

- You're drunk.
- I'm desperate.

Well, when you put it that way.

You're not offended,
so don't pretend to be.

My guess... you're intrigued.

- I am?
- Word's out, Dulcie dropped you.

- Yeah, well...
- Well, you have a tiny idea how I feel.

Look, I know you probably
don't give a damn

about the centennial or me,

and that's fine,
but starting Monday,

I'm gonna be treated like
the biggest loser ever at Time Zone.

The same girls dishing out
fake sympathy

will be laughing behind my back.

Some of them will try
to set me up out of pity,

but I'll know every time I walk
in a room and it gets suddenly quiet,

they were just talking about
my monumental failure.

We can save each other
from disgrace.

Each other? What's in it for me?

If you have to ask,

you're not as smart
as you think you are.

You need to sleep on it,
get back to me.

Hey, it's Dulcie.

If you want me to get back to you,
leave three ways that high school sucks.

There's the rampant homophobia,
no pep rallies for the debate team,

which leads to the greater issue,
I'm sure,

of the highly fascist nature
of pep rallies in general,

speeches, saluting banners.

I think you see
where I'm going with this.

And finally, it sucks

because when you break up
with someone,

you can't escape them,

and it kills you
to see them every day.

Dulcie, call me tonight.

I don't care what time...

Let's agree on an easy-out clause.

Obviously.

We can't do this halfway.

You know, if we expect
people to buy it,

it's gotta feel real
through and through.

That makes sense.

If you really wanna get Dulcie back,

it's gonna require
some severe measures.

Define "severe."

To start, you can't wear

anything you own.

Probably not.

Not and...
we need to clean you up.

How up are we talking about?

Listen, Chase,

to make an impact,
you have to go to extremes.

Let's do it.

Nice hat.

Come on!

Hi, welcome to the Gap.

- Nicole?
- Hey, Ray.

Hey. Look, I just want you to know
that I know you're screwed.

About the dance, I mean.

And, well, I guess
what I'm trying to say is that

if it comes down to panic time
and you still don't have a date,

and you're, like, really desperate,

well, I'd take you.

I'd be honored.

That's sweet, Ray,

but, well, when Chase and I got out
of the car the other night,

we kind of decided
we'd go together.

Chase? My Chase?

I got it.

Hey, this is funnier
than you dressing up

for last year's
Junior Miss Pageant, man.

Ray. Hey, Nicole.

So I'm glad to see you're out
of your doldrums.

That hair, guy, is just...

Hey, so, Nicole,
remember what I said.

I'm serious. If you want.

Well, this is real convincing.
I'm a walking punch line.

But who gets the last laugh?
See you after school, hon.

Shit. Hurry, Dave.
I promised Ray we'd take him to work.

Are you going to explain this to me?

- Explain what?
- This. What are you trying to pull?

Nothing. It's a big-ass mistake.

I thought it would make
Dulcie come back.

Seriously? How?

Can you think of anything
that would make Dulcie freak out more

than me with
"Miss School Spirit" Nicole Maris?

- He still thinks I'm joking.
- So what are you doing?

You know, to make an impact,
you have to go to extremes.

Did I just hear something
about extremes?

It's real extreme, all right.

Why'd you do it?

Time for a change.

It's not you.

Who knows who I am?

I do.

Don't let Nicole Maris change you.

I'll be all right.

Yeah.

Dave, do you mind
stopping off at the mall?

I wanna pick up a Swatch.

Nicole, can you come
in here, honey?

So, what are we burning today?

Fields of Jasmine
for improved circulation?

Strawberry Explosion
for brain power?

- Your dad called.
- Why?

He said that he'll meet you
at 12:00 noon on Sunday

at Jefferson Park.

He promised he'd show up
this time.

So get out there
and support the Tigers

on their march
to a state championship.

- Look, we're going to that.
- A basketball game?

That wasn't part
of the arrangement.

A necessary evil, Chase.

We have to look chummy,
remember?

And the benefit of that?

We're in this together.

From my point of view,

it's okay to look like I'm going
to the dance with a friend.

It's not okay to look like
I paid a guy to take me.

I could be getting paid?

Yeah!

So, how does it compare?

To what?

Protests, clove cigarettes,
bongos...

- whatever it is you beatniks do.
- We prefer "disaffected youth."

Okay, so...

More pep.

The monopoly on pep
is definitely held

by Time Zone's status whores.

We prefer socially non-retarded.

Go! Fight! Win!

I'm gonna get something to drink.

- Do you want anything?
- No, but thanks.

- Pellegrino. With a twist.
- All right.

- All right, spill.
- Spill what?

It's cute and all making nice
with your neighbor,

but you're taking it
way above and beyond.

Above and beyond what?

- The boy cleans up nicely.
- Pretty shocking?

Maybe. Or maybe
you haven't given up.

- Given up?
- A perfect night with a dream date.

Brad? Over it.

So, this Chase Hammond thing...

he's just this good friend
we never knew you had?

Right.

Who knows? Maybe more.

How can you be against
the designated hitter?

Do you wanna see Cecil Fielder
gunning for his 120th RBI

or some fast-ass relief pitcher
swinging at air?

I think Fielder is a perfect example...
a past-his-prime power hitter

in the twilight of his career
using up a roster spot.

You know what?
Someday that's gonna be Griffey.

And I would rather see Junior at 40
than some Jim Bob

who made it to the show
because of an expansion.

That's very nostalgic, but it comes
down to one simple issue...

- purity of the game.
- Exactly.

I've been trying
to tell you that, man.

If you can't hack it,
get out of the game, right?

Go! Fight! Win!

Go! Fight...

Defense! Defense! Defense!

One more eye, ref,
you'd be a Cyclops!

Go Tigers!

Pass!

And it's good! Tigers take it 70-68.

- Masterful.
- What?

You really had me going in there.
"Go! Fight! Win!"

I about choked.
I bow down to the king of scams.

I'd like to thank the Academy.
Thank you. Thank you.

- Think you could stand anymore?
- Well, what did you have in mind?

Cruising Broad Street.

I thought you had to have
a letterjacket for that.

That's just to nail cheerleaders.

Don't worry.
You'll fit right in.

Bad-ass ride, Chase.

Yeah, every time
Halley's Comet flies,

my dad lets me take it
out of the garage.

I had to leave a spleen on deposit.

Well, if Alicia sees it,
she's gonna wanna jump you.

Yeah, what's the deal
with that chick?

Word on the street,
she sleeps in a casket.

- "Word on the street"?
- Yeah, the chick's evil.

Evil's a bit strong.

Limited bullshit tolerance
is more like it, but you're a guy.

You wouldn't understand.

Time Zone... 70, losers... 68.

Honk your horn, Hambone!

Honk, Chase.

Go Tigers!

I wouldn't understand what?

Well, when guys compete,
it's overt.

You know, ringing a bell
with a sledgehammer

or loogie chucking,
the size of your engine, whatever.

Yeah?

Well, when girls compete, it's art.

And Alicia, she's an artist.

♪ But it's the only thing ♪

♪ I wanna do... ♪

This is the good part.

- ♪ I don't wanna sleep... ♪
- Come on, you know you like it.

♪ I just wanna keep on
loving you... ♪

No, bad.

♪ Baby, I'm gonna keep on ♪

- ♪ Loving you... ♪
- Come on. Come on.

♪ 'Cause it's the only thing
I wanna do ♪

♪ I don't wanna sleep ♪

♪ I just wanna keep on
loving you. ♪

Nicole.

Nicole.

Are you and Chase Hammond
a couple?

I saw you cruising together.

He's my next-door neighbor.

Okay, so he's not your boyfriend
or anything, right?

Mr. Maris.

That hurts, baby.

Tell me about it.

Come for a ride with me.

- So, any special boy these days?
- Not likely.

I have some pretty serious trust issues
when it comes to the male sex.

I wonder where it comes from.

I want you to have this.
This might explain me better than I can.

"Zen and the Art
of Motorcycle Maintenance"?

This is supposed to explain
why you're never around?

Must be a hell of a book.

First two weeks of November

I am going to a huge
ballooning festival in Rio.

I want you to come.

This is the trip of a lifetime.
What do you say?

There's this little centennial thing
I'm kind of involved in,

but, well, you wouldn't know
anything about it.

Yeah, 14 times.

- Hey, Nicole?
- Yeah.

Hi. I'm... I'm...

you're in charge of bands
for the centennial, right?

I am.

- What's this?
- It's the Electrocutes.

- It's the best band in town.
- Stylish.

- Thanks.
- You made this?

Yeah.

So, how do you like the band?

They rock, but I doubt
they're up on their Brandy.

Brandy?
There's a sister with edge.

That's the direction
the committee's going, Ray...

quality with mass appeal.

Can you say oxymoron?

My brothers!

Look, Dave. It's Ken doll.

Yeah, aren't you losing
reputation points

just being this close to us?

Hey, guys, I'm pulling off
the biggest scam of all time,

and I'm catching shit?

Don't you see?
I've entered into their world.

Did you leave bread crumbs?

Glow in the dark.

Hey, Electrocutes tonight
at the Pit.

Yeah, I'll be there. Wait.

- I told Nicole that...
- yeah, it's a scam, all right,

- but who's scamming who?
- Whom.

- Whatever, man.
- Think about it, Chase.

You have all the duties of a girlfriend
and none of the perks.

You're not getting
any perks, are you?

Hey, Hambone,
you're coming tonight, right, man?

- Oh, yeah, we'll be there.
- All right, man!

- Hambone?
- He really has entered their world.

14 times!

No, seriously,
who would you rather do,

Agent Scully or Gillian Anderson?

They're the same person,
brainiac.

Eddie, please.

Hambone?

Flakey, self-absorbed,
neurotic actress type

or gun-toting, badass FBI agent

with years of pent-up
sexual frustration?

- Not even close.
- My man.

What I wouldn't do to Scully.

I'm sure she's been
drooled on before.

Jealous.

Order number nine is up.

Number nine. Number nine.

Can you believe
that the assistant manager

of our basketball team actually has
his own "X-Files" website?

And he invited me over to his house
to check it out.

His name's Dave.

What?

You know, man. Designated Dave.

You know,
the safe ride guy, right?

No, it's not Designated Dave.
It's plain Dave.

No "designated." Just Dave.

All right, plain Dave it is.

Chase, I left my bag in the car.

Help me find it?

So, what was that about?

Dave probably saved half their lives,
and they're making fun of him.

- Typical.
- Typical of what?

Is this more "us/them" rhetoric?

- Well, if the tiara fits...
- Come on, Chase.

Can you honestly tell me
you've never made fun

of those people over there?

No, that's different.

- How?
- Think about it.

We laugh when it's the boss
or the debutante

who slipped on a banana peel,
not Tiny Tim.

So you're calling Dave
"Tiny Tim"?

- Don't do that.
- It's okay for you to put him down.

I don't need this, not from you.
You're better than this.

What makes you say that?

Fifth grade...

the first year the teachers
start making us

write Valentines to each other.

- Yeah.
- Dave got one card.

"I'm bananas about you.
Love, Nicole."

How do you remember that?

- I just do. I'm out of here.
- Don't.

Look, if you leave mad,
it sets us back.

It doesn't set me back.
Don't know how I got myself into this.

So far, the payback's
been minimal.

It's all about you...
your friends and your turf.

- My turf?
- Nicole.

Okay. You're right.

First, come back.

Be the charmer
we both know you can be.

And then we'll go
wherever you wanna go.

Wherever I want?

Liz, Drena, you know Nicole.

Yeah, from the slumber party
last weekend.

- We painted each other's toenails.
- Look, why don't you girls just...

And then we played
Truth or Dare, remember?

You two admitted
liking Alanis Morissette

before the record went platinum.

- I never liked Alan...
- You did, too.

- So where's Dulcie?
- She'll probably be by later.

Did that hurt?

Not as much as this.

Nipple ring, cool.

Take your top off.
Let's get a look at it.

Hey, Nicole.

Wanna dance?

Yeah!

- Hey, Brad.
- Hey, Alicia.

You know,
Kathy really is a sweetie.

Yeah, she is. Thanks.

You know,
it's really cool that you say that.

I mean, it really is,
'cause a lot of the other girls

have been complete bitches,
you know?

'Cause of the whole Nicole thing.

They're just jealous.
Besides, you're better off.

Really?

I thought that you and Nicole were,
like, really good friends.

Best of, but everyone knows
Nicole's a lot of talk

and very little action.

Yeah, but a lot of girls
are like that.

Not all girls.

Thank you.

- Something to drink?
- Water.

Chase, I didn't expect
to see you here.

I come here a lot.

Not lately.

Hey. There you go.

Chase, this is Joshua.

- How you doing?
- Hey.

I didn't expect you to fall in love.

I didn't expect you
to fall into the Gap.

There you are.

- Hey, Dulcie.
- Get a room.

Masterful.

I guess now I should bow down
to the queen of scams.

Got more email
from Daughter Judy.

The same one who stood you up?

She said she was
at the other Nyble flick.

We were at the wrong theater.

So when's the big hookup?

I don't know.
I'm having second thoughts.

I don't think I could take it
if she saw me

and I saw this reaction
on her face...

- you know, gross disappointment.
- Dave, it's not about looks.

And that's what
the Tooth Fairy was just saying.

Hey, I'm doing a student poll
for the yearbook staff.

We are doing a student poll
for the yearbook staff.

Cool. Shoot.

So what's your idea
of a perfect date?

Date... series of activities,
or date... person?

- Person.
- Activities.

- The person.
- All right.

She's the kind of girl
who will call you on your bullshit.

She's not afraid to dance.
She offers to pay.

She doesn't decide before a date
whether she's gonna kiss you or not.

She's not completely earnest,
yet she's not completely ironic,

Four grand is a good deal
for a jumbotron.

I'd rather take the overage out
of decorations than entertainment.

We'll lose the smoke.

We got a Brandy-style cover band
that is so right, but they cost.

Nicole, where are we budget-wise?

Anyone got a stun gun?
Hello, Nicole?

Yeah.

How much money do we have left
for decorations?

The info's in my locker.
I'll figure it out later.

Okay, I'll go get it now.

What's up with Nicole?

- I think she's in love.
- Well, they are a cute couple.

She orders dessert,

and she can be ready
in 10 minutes.

Well, we will have to change
that "bullshit" to "bull."

Well, then use "pretensions."

Okay.

Who are you?

So, what's this I hear about you
and Chase Hammond?

What do you hear?

- You're an item.
- Item?

Where do you get your news?

Mothers and daughters
should confide, honey.

We saw a band.
We're going to a dance.

I don't think he's such
a good idea, Nicole.

- Why not?
- You're neighbors, for one thing.

- And another thing is...
- Yeah?

He's too tall for you.

Oh, Mom.

It'll be okay.

Do you like 'em?
They're the latest.

Yeah, they're great. Thanks.

We're leaving early tomorrow.
You need me to call you?

No, I'm fine.
I'm not even tired.

Hey, you feel like a walk?

Some of us require
beauty sleep, Chase.

I'll let you get that.

See you tomorrow.

Hambone.

Dickweed.

You gotta see
what I'm working on, guy.

Better yet, I'm offering you
a chance to participate.

What is it?

My man, you've gotta
see this to believe it.

I got the editing room reserved
all day tomorrow.

I'm... I'm all booked.

Bread crumbs, mi amigo.

Hasta.

Look at 'em down there,
talking about us.

Saying what, Eddie?

You know, "He's cute."

He's sweet. He's built."

He primps.

Eddie takes longer
to get ready to go out than I do.

And he gets mad at me
for making him wait?

But I do my share
of waiting, too, all right.

Well, how long are you
gonna make him wait?

The key to pleasing a woman
is sweet talk.

"You're so beautiful."

"Have you lost weight?"

And then there
are the three words

- that always seal the deal for me...
- "Another tequila shot?"

Come on, Nicole,
we're bonding here. Dish, girl.

Chase Hammond... big hands,

big feet, you know?

- Hey, Bo.
- It's Dee.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

- It never was Bo.
- Oh, really?

- I thought it was always...
- When you're 40 pounds overweight

and your last name's Vine,

it doesn't take people long
to land on a nickname.

Your parents named you
"Dee Vine"?

No, Dee's a contraction.
I changed it myself.

And no one said anything?

You should go into politics.

After I dropped the weight,
dyed my hair,

got contacts,
I just kind of giggle and say,

"Oh, yeah, so and so
started calling me Dee."

Just kept attributing it
to whoever wasn't around

and pretty soon,
well, here I am.

Dee Vine.
And now Miss Time Zone.

So, why share
all this juiciness with me?

We're kindred, Hambone.

You think you're happier now?

I don't know. Do you?

Jury's still out.

It may have been a short list,
but before I became what I am now,

at least I knew who cared
about me.

Really cared.

That's much better!

Oh, boy, yeah!

Hey, Kathy.

Hey, Kathy!
Have you been over to Brad's?

Yeah. It's nice.

Weird?
His family seems so normal.

You'd never guess they belong
to one of those doomsday cults.

Are you serious?

Nicole, better grab
Captain Kangaroo.

I swear,
I can't take him anywhere.

- Hang loose, Hambone!
- 'Night!

You know,

I still have the letter you wrote me
in seventh grade.

Burn it.

You said...
you said you hated me,

and there was something in there
about how the only way

you'd ever touch me again
was if you came down with leprosy.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Don't be. I deserved it.

I'm the one who should be sorry.

- Chase, when your mom got sick...
- Please, Nicole, let's not do this.

I want to.

I've wanted to say this
for five years now.

When your mom got sick,

I couldn't bear to go over
to your house.

It was too hard.
I was too scared.

I just wanted to cry all the time

every time I saw her,

every time I saw you.

Even when we were together,
you wouldn't say anything.

You'd just sit there.

So, when you started wigging out
in school, skipping,

pulling the fire alarms,

I just acted like
I didn't know you.

Well, I'm over it now.

Well, 'night.

Yeah.

You forgot your towels.

Thanks.

- 'Night.
- Good night.

After our last lab assignment,

Mr. Rope brought this
to my attention.

It seems they found four
during locker-by-locker searches.

Consequently, your lab partners
will be chosen alphabetically

from now on.

So, did you teach Chase

to jump through fiery hoops yet?

Balance a ball on his nose?

I'm still working
on matching socks.

You two make
a very, very cute couple,

but I guess you hear that
all the time.

Why do you care?

I don't. You're welcome to him.

I used to think he had some...

I don't know...
some social consciousness.

Is this the animal-testing thing?

Your concern is noted.

Do you know anything
about his mother?

Only that she died
when he was young...

like 12 or something.

11. you know how?

No.

Cancer.

Lab rats, medical research...

Think about it.

Hey, I finally downloaded
the original "Space Invaders."

I'm talking quality 1981 graphics.
We gotta play tonight, man.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess.

Let's see what Chase wants to do.

- What's up, man?
- What's up, man?

I think he has to make an appearance
at Brad Seldon's party tonight.

Oh, yeah. Of course, of course.

So, this is the last
pre-centennial event for us.

We're in the home stretch.

Hey, did you say something
to Dulcie in lab?

Why?

I don't know.
She's been freaky around me.

Nice, even.

Well, mission
nearly accomplished then?

I guess.

So, can I negotiate an entrance
with hand holding?

Yeah!

Hey, Nicole.

Hey, Brad.

- I was just waiting for the bathroom.
- Yeah, that's cool.

- So where's Kitty?
- Kathy.

Right, Kathy.
I haven't seen her here tonight.

She said we had different beliefs.

And that was it.
Can you believe that?

I mean, I'm Lutheran.

So, it's like a fairy tale, right?

I mean, you and Nicole.

Falling in love
with the girl next door.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Too bad.

What's too bad?

Well, you know,
that you're taken.

I mean, who could have known
that underneath all that rebellion

there was a heartbreaker
dying to get out?

Look at her in there.

Suddenly, Brad's on the market again,
and she's back to plan "A."

Old crushes die hard.

I wonder, are you sure
Nicole's the one?

Just think, if Brad hadn't fallen
into that cheerleader's arms,

Nicole would have gotten
exactly what she wanted.

Maybe then I would have gotten
what I wanted, too.

Remember that night
you yelled at me in the car?

- Vaguely.
- All that stuff

that you said about love
being for dopes?

You were right.

Not in this lifetime, Romeo!

Nicole's my friend.

Nicole.

Nicole!

Nicole.

How could you do that?

I was testing him.

Frankly, I think I did you a favor.

You weren't doing me a favor.

You're miserable,
and you know what they say

about misery loving company.

You just didn't wanna see me happy.

Chill, drama queen.

Remember, it's not life and death.

Are you okay?

I don't know.

That's good. That's good.

Reverse.

Okay, let me really see
the pain.

You called?

Yeah, I called.

- I'm staying.
- Why?

I like to party.

I like to get down.

I got another note
from Daughter Judy.

Yeah, she says
she thinks I'm funny.

So, who all was at the party?

Everybody.

Jesus! What the hell, Dave?

Look, sorry, but everybody
was not at the party.

I wasn't there.
Ray wasn't there.

You know, we used to be your friends
if you can remember that far back.

You know what I remember, Dave?

I remember you cleaning out
Eddie Lampell's locker

because he said
he'd be your friend.

Yeah, I did the guy a favor.

I remember you buying
Alicia DeGasario

at the student council auction
last year

and then letting her spend
the whole day with her boyfriend.

- Do you have a point?
- Yeah, my point is, Dave,

you're not mad at me;
You're jealous.

What's wrong with wanting
to be liked?

You want them to like you, Dave?

Tell them to go fuck themselves.

People like that
need people like you,

otherwise there's twice as much trash
and no one to take it out.

You're totally losing me.

Don't go, Dave.

There's sober people there.

They just don't wanna
leave the party.

I can't not go.

This is close enough.
I wanted to walk anyway.

Come on, baby. Come on.

- Cut it out, Eddie. Stop.
- What?

No one's gonna know about it.
Come on.

Sorry, Dave, I would have driven
him home, but I can't drive his car.

It's a stick.

Well, I'll show you
how to drive a stick right now.

Here it is. Come on.

I meant a real car, Eddie,
not a Matchbox.

Yeah, well, kiss my ass,
you once-fat bitch.

I remember
when you were nothing.

Just a sweaty little egghead
drooling over football players.

Now you think that because
you're Mrs. Time Zone

- that your shit don't stink.
- Miss Time Zone.

Yeah, whatever. Shut up!

You think you're Miss Thing,
but you know what?

You're just a wannabe who got lucky
with a case of bulimia.

You're walking.
Hey, Dee, you all right?

I think so. Eddie, stop it!

What are you thinking,
Designated Dave?

This isn't
"Revenge of the Nerds," man.

Stop it, Eddie, stop!

No radioactive spider bit you.

Stop!

Get your ass up
and drive me home.

And you...

Sorry.
You wanna get out of here?

Can you bring me back
to the party, please, Dave?

- I need to talk to Sue.
- Okay.

Maya Angelou...
"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings."

- Really, you do?
- Chase, you're not listening.

Some parents wanna take it off
the ninth grade reading list

because they think that...

Chase.

Why are telling me this?

I'm your past-tense
quasi-boyfriend,

not the American people.

Well, what I'm trying to say

is that both the tense and title
are negotiable.

Okay, 10 seconds.

Candy... we're not supposed
to eat it in school,

yet clubs sell everything
from M&Ms to breath fresheners.

Today, our investigative report...

"Dollars and Certs."

The marching band
couldn't march without it.

Cheerleaders couldn't cheer
without it...

Nicole...

about Friday night...

It's called an easy-out clause,
Chase,

'cause it's supposed to be easy.

So that's it?

You need more closure than this?

No.

Guess not.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Go! Fight! Win!

Hey!

Just give me the key!

Okay, we're on Wednesday at 8:00,

Thursday at 8:00,
Friday at 8:05.

8:05?

Not so fast, Ray Neeley.

I want the guilty party
brought to my office now! Right now!

Can I just tell you I heard
from one of the office aides

they gave Ray three weeks
of in-school suspension.

They should have kicked his ass
all the way out.

Have you ever talked to the guy?
He is such a complete loser.

It just figures that he would do
something like this. Stupid-ass.

Sue, he's gonna be winning
MTV Awards

while you're still
the local weathergirl.

Well, I guess it's easy
to be a bitch

now that Brad Seldon's
available again.

It's easy to be a bitch either way.

- Hey.
- Hey, Brad.

- Everything all right?

Listen, so about the dance...

what do you think?

Centennial weekend is here.

It's time you'll wanna share
with a special someone

because it truly is
a once-in-a-lifetime event.

On behalf of the entire
Centennial Dance Committee,

we look forward to seeing you there
in your formalwear.

That's a cut.
All right, Ray, let's reset.

- Is that all you need?
- Yeah, that was great, thanks.

These will air all day tomorrow.

Hey, that sounded good.

It was bullshit.

"Share it with someone special."
That's not reality.

I'm really sorry about Chase.

I should've known better.

My dad did it to my mom.

Eddie did it to you.

What's the point?

You can't give up, Nicole.

Why not?
I'm through with it... all of it.

Yeah, but didn't Brad finally
ask you to centennial?

That's what you've been wanting
all along, isn't it?

That's the twisted part.

I finally got what I wanted,
but it doesn't matter anymore.

Dee, you're up next.

Cowabunga, dudes.

I'm thinking about college.

You're accepted.
What's left to worry about?

I'm thinking that maybe I should go
to an East Coast school.

You know, somewhere where
no one knows me.

Someplace where I'm not
Designated Dave.

Why don't you go to State
as planned

and let Designated Dave

go off to Long Island
Junior College?

Hey, guess who got asked

to the centennial extravaganza?

Who's the lucky lady?

Daughter Judy.

- Virtually a date.
- Virtually?

She's gonna email me her address
right before the dance.

Are you going?

He was going.

You mean the horribly freakish
distorted version of your former self?

Yeah.

But now you're back.

Centennial weekend is here.

It's time you'll wanna share
with a special someone

because it truly is
a once-in-a-lifetime event.

On behalf of the entire
Centennial Dance Committee,

we look forward to seeing you there
in your formalwear.

Nicole, I'm leaving for the dance now.

You almost ready?

Okay, here we go.

Nicole, this place is amazing.

I mean, you really pulled it off.

Thanks, Ray.

And thanks for coming through
at the last minute.

Well, of course.

You deserve to be here.
It's the best.

You know,
and you look beautiful.

Come on,
let's go spike the punch.

By the way, I like your hair.

Nicole, I'm honestly sorry
about how things worked out.

I really thought Brad
was gonna ask you.

He did,
but I already had a date.

He was bummed,
so I let him know you were easy.

Nicole?

Dad?

Weren't you supposed
to be in Rio?

No, I'm exactly
where I'm supposed to be.

For once.

Gotta start somewhere.

Ray, this is my dad.

Yeah? It's good to meet you.

It's a pleasure, Ray.

Hey, you must be
real proud of Nicole...

her dreaming this up
and putting it all together.

It's not bad, is it?

No, not bad at all.

Okay, have fun.

I'm going up to the balcony
with the rest of the aged.

Dinner tomorrow night?

Pick me up at 7:00?

Okay. See ya.

And now...

And now, to officially
get the party started,

it's time for the dedication

of the senior class
centennial gift.

To share in the unveiling,

I am proud to present

our own Mr. and Miss Time Zone.

First up,
Mr. Time Zone himself...

Mr. Brad Seldon...

accompanied by

Alicia DeGasario.

And now
Miss Time Zone herself...

Miss Judy Vine,

accompanied by her escort...

Dave!

Dave Ednasi.

Dave!

And now, a moment 100 years
in the making.

Our senior class
is proud to present...

Our centennial sculpture.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chase Hammond.

The Electrocutes!
Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted it to be a surprise.

They don't sound like Brandy.

That was pretty cool.

I'm glad it was you
at my door tonight.

Real glad.

Ray, I'm really having
a good time.

Man, that makes this
kind of tough to say.

What?

Well, it's a far,
far better thing I do

than I have ever done.

Ray, it was all a scam.

Yeah. Well, it worked.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Dancing.
What are you doing here?

Dancing.

- Very good.

I was gonna ask to cut in.

Where's Ray?

Gone. But you've got
my permission.

I'm sure you can still catch him.

Actually, I was gonna ask
to dance with you.

Really?

So, who are we making jealous?

Everyone, Nicole.

Everyone.

I don't know that I've ever
been walked to my door before.

Well, I rented the limo.

I get to be the guy.

Yeah?

So, I guess that
makes me the girl?

Right.

Well, Nicole, I...

I had a really lovely time.

- Call me?
- Yeah, whatever.

Mom?

That must have been
an interesting evening.

Dad.

Chase.

- Should we tell 'em?
- Yeah.

- We're moving in together.
- Yeah.

Obviously, we all need to think
about what this means.

Sure, well...

Tell you what... why don't you two
think about it here

and we'll go think about it
in the tree house.

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