Drive-In (1976) - full transcript

The adventures of a group of teenagers at a drive-in theatre in Texas one weekend night.

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[WIND HOWLING]

VERN TALLMAN [OVER RADIO]: This is Vern Tallman,

at the County Weather Station with tonight's forecast.

A weak cold front is moving across the Panhandle,

so we can expect it to be getting cloudy and windy

by this evening.

Temperature in the 50s.

I don't reckon you folks down in the valley

ought to start worrying about your smudge-pots just yet,

but if I had a new foal,

I'd keep him in the barn tonight.



Oh, and there's an 80 percent chance of rain.

Know what? It's a lot nicer out

in Waco, San Anton, Houston,

or even Lubbock.

But this is Vern Tallman

telling you to have a nice evening anyway, hear?

[THE STATLER BROTHERS' "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO RANDOLPH SCOTT?"]

♪ Everybody knows When you go to the show ♪

♪ You can't take the kids Along ♪

♪ You've gotta read The paper ♪

♪ And know the code Of G, PG, and R and X ♪

♪ And you gotta know What the movie's about ♪

♪ Before you even go ♪

♪ Tex Ritter's gone And Disney's dead ♪



♪ And the screen is filled With sex ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Ridin' the train alone? ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Gene and Tex ♪

♪ And Roy and Rex The Durango Kid? ♪

♪ Oh, whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ His horse Plain as could be? ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the best of me ♪

♪ Everybody's tryin' To make a comment ♪

♪ About our doubts and fears ♪

♪ True Grit's the only movie ♪

♪ I've really understood In years ♪

♪ You gotta take your analyst Along ♪

♪ To see if it's fit to see ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the industry ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Johnny Mack Brown ♪

♪ And Alan Rocky Lane ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Lash LaRue ♪

♪ I'd love to see them again ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Smiley Burnette ♪

♪ Tim Holt and Gene Autry ♪

♪ Whatever happened To all of these ♪

♪ Has happened To the best of me ♪

There he is.

He always takes out the cash

about two minutes after the last show starts in.

Who does? The manager. The guy you're looking at.

See, we jump him in the snack bar

before he can get to the safe in his office.

WILL HENRY: It sure is a long way away.

Hey, there's the manager. GIFFORD: Uh-huh. Yeah.

WILL HENRY: Now we jump him at the box office, right?

Wrong.

We did that, they would have us quicker

than you can say God with your mouth open.

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

[STONEWALL JACKSON'S "WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN JESUS"]

♪ What a friend we have In Jesus ♪

Hi, Alamo Drive-In.

Uh-huh.

Our feature tonight is Disaster 76,

with an all-star cast.

Yes, it'll start at sunset.

We're giving out rain checks in case it, you know, rains.

Well, thanks for remembering The Alamo.

You know, we're gonna be the only kids in town

ain't gonna see this movie tonight.

Well, Henry, you're wrong twice.

In the first place, we'll be here tonight.

In the second place, we ain't been kids

since Jesus was a lance-corporal.

♪ Oh, what needless pain We bear ♪

GIFFORD: Okay, this here's the ticket booth.

And here is the snack bar.

WILL HENRY: How the hell you get to draw this map?

How come I can't do it?

To get to be a bigger idiot, you'd have to put on weight.

Now do you suppose them big city hit men

or even the lowest meatball in the whole mafia

is gonna stand around wasting time arguing

about who draws up the plan? Well, I don't know!

As long as the plan gets drawn, don't matter who does it.

If it don't matter, just give me the pencil.

Gifford, I can draw this thing. Look, right over--

How'd you know we was here?

I heard you hollering clear down the highway.

Did you get it? Well, of course.

We're just like Monkey Ward. You order and we deliver.

Ooh-whee.

Of course, unlike Monkey Wards, we C.O.D.

It is beautiful, gentlemen.

Thanks kindly and all that.

Hey, Bill Hill, how come a young stud like you

is getting married willingly?

He don't wanna go knocking up Mary Louise

without he marries her first. Exactly.

I am a straight arrow and an all-around nice guy.

WILL HENRY: Also all-around smart.

GIFFORD: What's that mean?

WILL HENRY: Mary Louise's daddy's the sheriff.

[DEL REEVES' "A DOZEN PAIRS OF BOOTS"]

♪ It looks like Everywhere I go ♪

♪ Always get myself In trouble ♪

♪ 'Cause the girls I pick on Ain't the safest kind ♪

This is Idaho Flyer on U.S. 80 West at Marker 75. [POLICE SIREN BLARING]

Any good buddies out there? Come on.

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Idaho, this here's Black Coffee.

Watch that Drive-In.

Pair of smokies living there. Come on.

Damn, they're right outside my back door.

Can you lose 'em?

Why not? I'm running empty. Got a load of post holes.

I'll give them the big hammer.

♪ The hallway down in Dallas ♪

♪ And a dozen pair of boots Along the way ♪

♪ Now Betty was a sweet thing I was courting in Seattle ♪

♪ She swore to me She was nobody's wife ♪

[TIRES SCREECHING]

♪ But how was I to know ♪

♪ She had a boyfriend Big as Dallas ♪

♪ And I traded one blue shirt For one good life ♪

♪ That's why I left the blue shirt hangin' ♪

♪ On a bedpost in Seattle ♪

♪ My Levi's float On San Francisco Bay ♪

♪ And I left the Stetson Hanging ♪

♪ In a hallway Down in Dallas ♪

♪ And a dozen pair of boots Along the way ♪

♪ Now Susie had a big yacht We anchored in the harbor ♪

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Idaho Flyer. Idaho Flyer. Are you still there?

Any sign of them stupid hillbilly smokies?

Only you can prevent forest fires.

Why, hello, Al.

Hey, the Idaho Flyer. He must like our jail.

♪ On a bedpost in Seattle ♪

♪ My Levi's float On San Francisco Bay ♪

♪ And I left the Stetson Hanging ♪

♪ In a hallway Down in Dallas ♪

♪ And a dozen pair of boots Along the way ♪

♪ That's why I left the blue shirt hanging ♪

♪ On a bedpost in Seattle ♪

♪ My Levi's float On San Francisco Bay ♪

MAN [ON RADIO]: That there's big-hearted

Al Reese's heart beating for you.

And at Al Reese's Dodge, Plymouth, and Jeep,

Al is all heart.

Mm-hm. Just listen to these bargains.

It's just like stealing, but more fun.

Now Al's got a-- just listen to this--

a '68 Ford, half-ton pickup, cherry,

just used around town to haul pillows

and other light stuff. Mm-hm.

She's black and beautiful. A real heart-stopper at $1495.

Jesus, them Gear Grinders done to Eddie Jay

what the rooster done to the chicken.

Just don't you bug, man, 'cause I got it strategized.

Tonight? Total war?

Have you got a bent fly-wheel?

I'm talking zap. Zap them Gear Grinders.

And I know exactly where to find Diddle Brown

on a Friday night.

ALABAMA: At the Drive-In. That's right.

Eddie Jay, you look like you've been loving up to a chain saw.

You're gonna have to get a lot better to die.

Now, you just don't worry about it there, Eddie.

We're gonna take care of them for you.

You just rest it up. [MUMBLING]

Speak up. [COUGHS]

You trying to talk to me, buddy?

[COUGHING]

You don't smoke?

[COUGHING]

MAN [ON RADIO]: Never ask for whom big-hearted

Al Reese's heart beats.

It beats for thee. Uh-huh.

And he's beating all deals

at Big-hearted Al Reese's Dodge, Plymouth, and Jeep.

Get on down there.

[LORETTA LYNN'S "LEAD ME ON"]

CONWAY TWITTY: ♪ I made a promise ♪

♪ That I'd never lead you on ♪

♪ But I feel The yearn to love you ♪

♪ Even though I know it's wrong ♪

LORETTA LYNN: ♪ You'll have To take my hand ♪

♪ And lead me slowly Through the door ♪

♪ I'll be wrong In what I'm doin' ♪

♪ I can't refuse you anymore ♪

BOTH: ♪ Lead me on ♪

LORETTA: ♪ And take control Of how I feel ♪

♪ I can't do this on my own ♪

♪ 'Cause it's against my will ♪

CONWAY: ♪ I need love Warm and tender ♪

♪ In a way I've never known ♪

Hi, Orville. Oh, hi, Miss Downey.

That is why you got you no girl.

Miss Downey?

Oh, you're joshing. She's old. Maybe 23, 24.

Well, it don't seem to bother her none.

Anyways, her husband's off on a pipeline job in Baja, Arkansas.

Now, what is Baja, Arkansas?

Oklahoma.

You know, you're late.

They kept us over for sex education.

Oh, you don't need that.

You're too young. So you say.

I wanna know just exactly what I got to do

when I finally get to do it. Comes natural.

Don't neither. Don't seem to come natural to you.

You're still cherry.

I ain't. Are, too.

I've been watching you like a bank guard.

Well, what for?

So I can sidestep the mistakes you'll make

your first time out or in.

LORETTA: ♪ I'll go with you ♪

♪ But you'll have To lead me on ♪

FREDDY WELLER: ♪ Listen here, Sal I know you ♪

♪ Run-down stockin' And a wore-out shoe ♪

♪ Honey Let me be your Salty Dog ♪

Here you go, girls. Enjoy yourself.

♪ Let me be your Salty Dog ♪

♪ Or I won't be your man At all ♪

♪ Honey Let me be your Salty Dog ♪

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

♪ Standin' on the corner With the low-down blues ♪

♪ Great big hole In the bottom of my shoes ♪

♪ Honey, let me be Your Salty Dog ♪

♪ Well, let me be Your Salty Dog ♪

♪ Or I won't be Your man at all ♪

♪ Honey, let me be your... ♪

Just listen to 'em in there skating.

Laughing and scratching like they's having fun.

Sounds to me like they are. Uh-uh.

They just think they are.

[GRUNTS]

Ain't that the same thing?

No, they're hurting.

And bad.

What I'm saying is...

even though we ain't set the world on fire,

we ain't like them kids skating in there.

At least we know what we are.

MALE DEEJAY [OVER P.A.]: Get back on the floor. WILL HENRY: Yeah.

Come on, y'all, this is everybody's skate! We sure do.

[RONNIE MILSAP'S "PURE LOVE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ Baby, it's pure love ♪

Oh, you did too.

Cutting in on you there, Theo. Sorry about that.

Hi. Bill Hill!

I got a big surprise for you. What?

First, let's call this meeting to order.

Your daddy has got to be a candy maker.

You taste so sweet.

And I'm keeping all the goodies to myself

till you tell me what the surprise is.

You act like you're double park. Bill Hill!

♪ Singing right Outside my window ♪

♪ Soft warm kisses ♪

♪ Say good morning ♪

♪ Then I get breakfast in bed ♪

First time I ever seen you so happy you was speechless.

DEEJAY [OVER P.A.]: You clams, sit down.

We want the pearls.

This do-si-do is just for the girls.

GIRL: Hi, Orville.

See you, girls.

Bye, Orville.

Hey, ole Orville's kind of cute.

Oh, sure, a regular laugh-track.

They come on friendly

and you cut off their damn water.

Girls like that just ain't for me.

Not Glowie Hudson?

Oh, I've known Orville since junior high.

He's got a mind of his own. Huh?

I've known Orville since junior high.

He's got a mind of his own.

Anyway, she doesn't even know I exist.

He told me back then he wanted a girl that was sweet

and honest and lovable.

Who wouldn't give him no hassle.

That's me. Huh?

I am. I sure hope it comes to Enoch's attention some day.

Well, you'd better start somewhere.

I'm 12 and sprouting. I'm fixing to get ready.

It's up to you to set an example I can follow.

Get out of here. [GROANS]

DEEJAY [OVER P.A.]: Glowie Hudson to the door.

You got you a visitor.

Who's been asking for me, Vern? He did.

Enoch wants you.

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ Ninety-nine and forty-four One Hundreds percent ♪

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ Ninety-nine and forty-four One hundreds percent ♪

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ Ninety-nine and forty-four One Hundreds percent ♪

Uh, stay out, sweet thing.

You want your skates to chew up my rug?

Heaven forbid, Enoch.

I'd rather be down in hell with my back broke.

Well, what's eating at you?

Ever since I got my new water bed,

me and you has been drifting apart.

[BOYS LAUGH]

You sure got a short fuse today.

'Cause I know what's coming.

No, you don't.

You see, it's something super heavy and--

Well, it requires my personal-- Personal attention. Uh-huh.

I knew it.

But you want me whenever you snap your fingers.

Hey, don't be mad at me.

Just be mad you wasn't born a man.

Enoch, that is yesterday thinking,

and just plain dumb.

I'm proud to be a woman.

And I'm too fine of a one

to be sitting at home with Marcus Welby

on a Friday night.

Doors!

Now you look here, bitch,

you try going out on me

and I'll combine your fine with a sore behind.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

♪ What a fool I was ♪

♪ To think I could ♪

♪ Get by ♪

♪ With only ♪

♪ These few million tears ♪

♪ I've cried ♪

What's the matter, Chloe? Did Enoch hassle you?

Bad. I'm tired of being yesterday's news.

What are you fixing to do?

Look around some.

Well, look all you want, but don't you find.

Where do you gonna find another Enoch?

I don't want another Enoch. Huh?

I'm shopping for something better.

What do you mean better? He's got a van. Sure.

I want somebody sincere.

Nice. Who really cares about me.

Well, there ain't too many of them around.

If they are, they'd be giving this town a wide berth.

All I ever see is roaming hands and cold hearts.

Ain't it the truth.

♪ I'm right back ♪

♪ Where I've really Always been ♪

[MERLE HAGGARD'S "TODAY I STARTED LOVING YOU AGAIN" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ I got over you Just long... ♪

DEEJAY [OVER P.A.]: If I can have your attention. There's a Chevy out there

by the front door with its lights on.

I can't read the license number.

It's got too much mud on it.

♪ I started loving... ♪

After the drive-in, this could be our next job.

We can't hold up this place.

We used to skate here when we was kids.

We used to go to the drive-in when we was kids, too.

That's different. It's under a different manager.

Besides, to rob this place we couldn't make a getaway.

Why not?

Well, 'cause you can't drive no car with skates on.

All right, kid, come over here.

Haven't I told you before? No drinks on the floor.

♪ Cause the neck I value Most of all is mine ♪

♪ That's why I left the blue shirt... ♪

Can't you read? Well, yeah, I can read.

What happened?

My kid brother was out there with a drink on the floor,

and the Chief Guard got after him.

He's rough. He's rough.

♪ In a hallway Down in Dallas ♪

♪ And a dozen pair of boots Along the way ♪

♪ Now, Betty was A sweet thing ♪

♪ I was courting in Seattle ♪

♪ She swore to me She was nobody's wife ♪

♪ But how was I to know ♪

♪ She had a boyfriend Big as Dallas ♪

♪ And I traded one blue shirt For one good life ♪

♪ That's why I left The blue shirt ♪

♪ Hanging on a bedpost In Seattle ♪

♪ My Levi's float on San Francisco Bay ♪

♪ And I left The Stetson hanging ♪

♪ In a hallway Down in Dallas ♪

♪ And a dozen pair of boots Along the way ♪

Aw, sh--

[♪♪♪]

[GASPING]

♪ Susie had a big yacht We anchored in the harbor ♪

♪ She said she was alone... ♪

He's busier than a man with his hat on fire.

♪ But when he climbed aboard ♪

♪ I swam for shore Praying I could get there ♪

♪ Lost the Levi's While I made my getaway ♪

This crop of young quails

coming up is looking fine, isn't it?

Oh, there must be a couple of hundred folk in here.

I don't remember them looking that good when I was that age.

Oh, 200 of them about... whoa, a dollar a head.

That's-- Two hundred.

A dollar a head. It's 200.

But it's 200 separate people.

Get the balloon. Right here.

Get your balloons. Get your right color.

Get the balloon that you had awhile ago.

Get the balloon of your color. Here's the blue.

Here's a balloon. Yellow.

DEEJAY [OVER P.A.]: The men's elimination.

The last skater on the floor with an unbroken balloon wins.

This ain't no free-for-all, but a test of daring strength

and plain ole luck.

The only rules are the rules of guts

and good sportsmanship.

At the sound of the whistle,

you all get in there and bust them up.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[FREDDY WELLER'S "SALTY DOG BLUES" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ There's just one thing That grieves my mind ♪

♪ A cute little woman And love on her mind ♪

♪ Honey Let me be your Salty Dog ♪

♪ Let me be your Salty Dog ♪

♪ Or I won't be Your man at all ♪

♪ Honey Let me be your Salty Dog ♪

[BALLOONS POPPING]

Hey, those two are ganging up on Orville.

Yeah. I wish one of them was me.

BOY 1: Hey, come on. BOY 2: Come on.

[♪♪♪]

[BOY LAUGHS]

♪ I know a girl Who lives on the hill ♪

♪ She won't boogie But her sister will ♪

♪ Honey Let me be your Salty Dog ♪

Hurry up, hurry up.

♪ Let me be your Salty Dog ♪

♪ Or I won't be Your man at all ♪

♪ Honey Let me be your Salty Dog ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

DEEJAY [OVER P.A.]: Orville Hennigson.

Winner and still balloon-busting champion.

In the red hair, white teeth and blue jeans.

Get back on the floor. The music's great.

Come on, y'all, this is everybody's skate.

[RONNIE MILSAP'S "PURE LOVE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ Baby, it's pure love ♪

♪ Milk and honey And Captain Crunch ♪

♪ And you in the morning ♪

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ Baby, it's pure love ♪

♪ Ninety-nine and forty-four One hundreds percent ♪

♪ Pure love ♪

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Glowie, maybe Orville'll take you home.

You cutting out, Orville? Uh-huh.

You want to take me home?

Uh-- Sure he would.

Sure, okay. Come along.

♪ It's pure love ♪

♪ Milk and honey And Captain Crunch ♪

♪ And you in the morning ♪

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ You're the picture Of pure love ♪

[GIRL YELLS]

♪ Ninety-nine and forty-four One hundreds percent ♪

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ Ninety-nine and forty-four One hundreds percent ♪

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ Ninety-nine and forty-four One hundreds percent ♪

♪ Pure love ♪

♪ Ninety-nine and forty-four One hundreds percent ♪

♪ Pure love ♪

You like me?

What? Well, sure.

Sure.

Why didn't you never ask me out before?

Yeah, how come?

Well, I don't know y'all that well.

Like to know me better? We sure do.

Glowie, please button up your blouse

and sit up straight or-- Or what?

Or I'm gonna pile up this here car.

They pink, Orville. Pink as bubble gum.

Anyway, you're Enoch's girl. Was.

Past tense. Him and me is through.

As per when?

About a half hour ago. How come?

We had no relationship.

No meaningful relationship.

Glowie, don't be giving me any of those fancy New York words

from ladies' magazines.

What's that mean?

You're this town's top girl. Okay.

But that's not what's important.

Why, I'd go for a girl that wore braces

as long as she's sincere.

Glowie, I don't hold with his talking to you like that.

Say the word and me and him'll go to fist city.

It's okay. Orville's just testing my sincerity.

I'll bet ever since junior high school,

Orville's had a mind of his own.

He wants a girl that's sweet, honest and lovable.

A girl that won't give him any hassle.

Right. Heh.

How about going to the drive-in with me tonight?

Why me, Glowie? I mean--

Because I think you're...

sexy.

What? Sexy.

[DOG BARKING]

And if your brother ain't tuned in

on what goes tonight,

here as they say on the silver screen

is a sneak preview.

Thanks. Whoa!

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ There's no place to run And hide ♪

♪ For he knows Where you're at ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ Every wrong thing That you do ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ This doggone world We're living in ♪

♪ It's giving me a fit ♪

Hey, perfect timing.

♪ Everywhere I turn I see a hypocrite ♪

♪ Well If you wanna go to heaven ♪

♪ Well You can't live like that ♪

♪ So let me tell you, brother ♪

♪ God's a-gonna Get 'cha for that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that, yeah ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ There's no place To run and hide ♪

♪ For he knows Where you're at ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that, yeah ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ Every wrong thing That you do ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

For tonight.

Just use 'em in good health.

♪ He's a mighty devoted man ♪

♪ Everybody thinks ♪

♪ That he's a-goin' To the Promised Land ♪

Let's go.

♪ But the other night On a country road ♪

♪ While I was a-drivin' Through ♪

♪ I caught the preacher Makin' love ♪

Orville, heads up. Huh?

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that, yeah ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

Well, get the door.

♪ God's gonna get'cha For that, yeah ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ Every wrong thing That you do ♪

Hey, fellas, wait for me!

♪ Sister Bessie She likes to testify ♪

♪ She says I'll always love the Lord ♪

Whose ragtop was that? Orville Hennigson.

That back there was Enoch.

Change that to is Enoch!

♪ Sister Bessie Flyin' out the door ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

[CAR HORN HONKS] [CHICKEN CLUCKING]

Come on! Move it, will you?

[CAR HORN BLARES] ♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ Every wrong thing That you do ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

Come on. Get out of the way.

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ There's no place To run and hide ♪

♪ For he knows Where you're at ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that, yeah ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ Every wrong thing That you do ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

[ENGINE HISSING]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Whoo!

This drive-in, our first job.

You scared? Yeah.

Me, too.

But we got to.

I mean, we can't go around stripping cars all our life.

We gotta think about our future.

Yeah, trucks, too. Huh?

We strip trucks too, you know.

Damn, Chevy's always a quart low.

Don't make them like they used to.

Anyway,

you know, I heard on the radio

where a fella could do real well at diesel mechanics.

You know, I've always liked fixing things.

I figure I'd like to learn about that some.

Vans too. Huh?

Well, we strip vans too, don't we?

Oh, right. We strip vans. Uh-huh.

Where can you learn about diesels?

Up north. Cincinnati.

Takes a whole lot of money.

Tonight we're gonna try to get us some. Yeah.

You didn't forget nothing, did you?

No, I didn't forget nothing.

Well, you've been known to.

Like that time back in Mr. Dodd's wood shop class

and you changed the blade on that circular saw.

Weren't my fault, the nut come off.

Yeah, 'cause there's a nut changing the blade, that's why.

I never will forget that thing.

Come flying off,

go zipping across the floor, right at old man Dodd.

[BOTH CHUCKLE] I thought he was gonna climb the wall,

thinking that thing was gonna climb his leg.

You didn't forget nothing, did you?

No, I didn't forget nothing.

Well, let's check.

Gloves?

You are the most contrary man. Mask?

Throw you in the river and you'd float right upstream.

Piece? You got no call putting me down so.

This here is a tool of my trade.

Look, smooth as vanilla extract.

A bricklayer don't forget his bricks,

and a plumber don't forget his plumb.

And I went and forgot the bullets.

I'd better go back inside and get 'em.

Good thinking, Will Henry. Good thinking.

[SIGHS]

[THE STATLER BROTHER'S "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO RANDOLPH SCOTT"]

♪ Everybody knows when you go To the show ♪

♪ You can't take the kids Along ♪

♪ You've gotta read The paper ♪

♪ And know the code Of G, PG and R and X ♪

♪ And you gotta know What the movie's about ♪

♪ Before you even go ♪

♪ Tex Ritter's gone and Disney's dead ♪

♪ And the screen is filled with sex ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Riding the train alone ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Gene and Tex ♪

♪ And Roy and Rex The Durango Kid ♪

♪ Oh, whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ His horse Plain as could be ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the best of me ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the industry ♪

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE]

Hi.

That's $3, please.

Don't clergymen qualify for the student discount?

Yeah, but--

"This certifies he's a student

at the Oral B. Graham Theological Seminary."

Clergymen, yes. Students, no.

Pay the full price.

Overcharging buys a one-way ticket to hell.

Don't you threaten me with hell, boy.

That turnaround collar don't mean doodley.

Pay the full price.

You got a lot to learn about brotherly love.

♪ Whatever happened To Lash LaRue ♪

♪ I'd love to see them again ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Smiley Burnett ♪

♪ Tim Holt and Gene Autry ♪

♪ Whatever happened To all of these ♪

♪ Has happened To the best of me ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the industry ♪

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What you looking for?

The ring. I dropped it.

Hey, girl, you know I paid for that ring.

Stay cool, it's in here somewhere.

Well, move your leg. We ain't even married yet

and your finger's rejecting my ring.

Where'd it go?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

I didn't drop it on purpose.

It's right here somewhere in our pickup.

Our pickup?

[CHUCKLES]

Pretty soon everything's gonna be half yours anyway.

Do you believe in omens? Sure.

There's good omens and bad omens.

Well, try this omen on for size. What's that mean?

Bill Hill, I ain't marrying you.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

I have definitely forgotten that salt.

Woman...

we are in what looks like Ku Klux country

with hordes of honkeys staring at me

like hungry dogs waiting for a bone.

And you're worrying about salt?

Baby, now you're a doctor and you have your practice,

and the whole world hangs on the wisdom of your words.

But you're still chickenshit.

[♪♪♪]

Hi. How are you folks this evening?

Here, a rain check. Oh!

[KIDS LAUGH]

What are you doing, huh?

Handle your kids right or don't come in here.

Comes in here every week, full car.

Doesn't buy anything from the snack stand.

Brings his own food.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

Hi. What all happened to your door?

That's a whole other story.

Well, y'all enjoy the movie.

MALE ANNOUNCER [OVER P.A.]: Good evening, folks.

Thanks for remembering The Alamo.

Now, before we put on tonight's feature,

let's take a few seconds to see

that the rowdyism of last weekend--

I was hoping we'd get in fast,

before Glowie meets some other feller.

We?

Well, I gotta watch you two.

I gotta look and learn. I got lots to learn.

ANNOUNCER: Anyone can pull the speaker if the box says "speaker."

Dear Lord, keep them greedy, avaricious,

no-good business men

from beating us downtrodden out of our money.

Leave only your parking lights on.

When walking to and from the snack stand,

keep your voices down.

Let the folks enjoy themselves.

Keep all your beer bottles and your beer cans

inside your car.

No throwing them out.

Having a good time? Mm-hm.

Then you're gonna stay down here, right? Mm-hm.

Until Glowie shows up. What?

Brothers are supposed to share, aren't they? Share?

Then my fist is gonna share your mouth with your teeth.

You're scared you'll goof up your one chance

to score on some easy leg and you don't want no witnesses.

Well, don't hurry back.

Back? Back to what?

Who sits in the bleachers with no ballgame going on.

Come on, we got to look for Diddle Brown now.

That Diddle Brown's a shrewd dude.

I sure hope they here,

'cause I can't wait to do some stomping.

Looky there! Orville's car.

Ah-ha.

Well, he's dessert. We keep him for last.

Right now, just keep looking for the main course.

Believe me, I have lived long enough

to see plenty of cheapskates.

But you, you take the cake.

You take your own mother out once a month.

Can't it be to church?

Or at least to a good restaurant?

But no, my son, the big spender,

brings me to an old drive-in.

And look at you,

rich enough to be a national park.

Oh, if only they'd had the pill when I was young.

ANNOUNCER: Please remember that the back row is patrolled

in order to discourage any behavior

inconsistent with our family policy.

Now, y'all enjoy the show, you hear?

[INSTRUMENTAL FLOURISH PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, well, it's a New Year's Eve

champagne flight for fun lovers.

Break out the horns and the hats.

What kind do you want?

Not for me, for the passengers.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Who's there? It's me, honey. You all right?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Honey, I know you're sore at the airline

for firing you after 20 years of loyal service

but cheer up, something'll happen.

Yeah, you better believe it. [CLOCK TICKING]

They're serving free champagne out there.

Come on, let's go celebrate New Year's Eve.

Yeah.

We'll bring it in with a bang.

No radar?

And Ground Control cleared this flight?

[EXPLOSION]

Good grief. You a captain?

I'm a ship's captain. Thank God.

Can you sail this one?

Looks like somebody has to.

What's your name? Stewardess Margo, sir.

And yours? Vance. Sherman Vance.

STEWARDESS [ON SPEAKER]: Traffic control! Traffic control!

This is flight 747.

Stewardess? What are doing on the radio?

CAPTAIN: This is Sherman Vance.

A mad bomber wiped out the entire crew.

Well, we make the 11:00 o'clock news again tonight.

FORD [IN FILM]: Vance, listen carefully.

My name is Ford. I'm in charge of Rio Airport.

I've worked out a plan.

There's a helicopter standing by outside.

They got 50 feet of rope.

We're gonna tie one end to the chopper,

I'm gonna hang on to the other.

Because of the difference in air speed,

we'll have one chance to swing that hole on the plane.

How's that sound?

VANCE: It would be easier for a camel to pass

through the eye of a needle.

Spoon, you and Alabama go check out the snack bar

and see if Little Brown's got here yet.

MAN [IN FILM]: All these cheap shortcuts to construction.

For instance, no stairs-- Stairs are old-fashioned.

What idiots are gonna walk up 196 floors?

Guys, listen, my ladders only go to the 2nd floor.

Hello, Mrs. Hedson. This is Enoch.

Can I speak to Glowie please? Oh?

Well, who did she go with?

Oh, sorry.

[PAGER BEEPING]

Yeah. Bye bye.

[EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION]

Busing sure ain't help you people none.

[JERRY LEE LEWIS' "YOUR CHEATIN' HEART" PLAYING]

♪ And call my name ♪

♪ You're gonna Walk the floor ♪

♪ The way I do ♪

♪ Your cheatin' heart ♪

♪ Is gonna tell on you ♪

[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING IN FILM OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey, Glowie, you know what?

In the snack stand, I'd seen Widow Makers.

You didn't see Enoch, did you?

If Widow Makers is here, so is Enoch.

Hey, you're not gonna go looking for Orville now, are you?

You've done a great job, Margo.

Now prepare for landing.

MARGO: Oh, no! Look!

BILL HILL: People that love each other do get married

every now and then.

Marriage ain't what's happening no more for a woman my age.

Bill Hill, I have seen first hand.

Marriages this young just don't work.

Oh...

Their lives are lost like beads off on a string.

Not ours.

In a couple of years, we buy a decent house

with real grass out front.

Not indoor-outdoor carpet.

Ain't that what every woman wants?

Reasoning with a woman is like eating soup with a fork.

[EMERGENCY VEHICLE SIRENS BLARING IN FILM]

When are we gonna stomp that Orville? Now.

Bring him back so we can see how he plans to fix my door,

with his money or his blood.

What if he don't want to come? Torch him.

[♪♪♪]

[BABY CRYING]

MAN: Sorry, there's only room for one!

No! No!

MAN 1: That 747 turned this place into a tower of an inferno.

MAN 2: Poor devils in the back of the plane when it blew up.

MAN 2: Did you see 'em, Paul? PAUL: I certainly did.

Two of them went through the top of my new convertible.

MAN 1: Look, someone's still alive.

Where are you going, Orville? Sorry, I didn't see you.

Get yourself a white cane.

I said I was sorry. Jeez.

MAN 1: I've got to get upstairs.

Dedication of my new building starts in 10 minutes.

MAN 2: I'll lend a hand here, sir. After all, I am the captain.

MAN 1: No. No. You come with me.

Hi, Orville. You come looking for me?

That's right.

Go on home without me, girls.

Orville will see I get home, won't you?

I'll see that she gets home.

If anybody can make a live one out of him, it's Glowie.

Yeah, but it'll be trickier than diapering Siamese twins.

Shh! We got to see if Harriet's gonna bake this cake for Ozzie.

We're in the den, dear.

Let them sit down before you grab it off his back.

Hi. Hi. Where have you been?

Oh, Thorny and I took a little stroll down to Miller's

and got a chocolate malted.

What? I got people stationed at both exits.

Ain't but one way Diddle Brown and the Gear Grinders'll get out.

Ambulance.

You know, that turkey what hit our van is here too.

Who? Orville.

BOTH: Orville? We've seen him over there.

Spoon and them's gone to get him.

You all real sports? Good buddies.

How good?

Me and him, we's real tight.

So tight, how come you're scouting this car?

Go! While you can.

I hear and obey.

[VEHICLE SIREN BLARING IN FILM]

Move those ladders over there! Come on!

Hurry up! Hurry up! Come on!

[♪♪♪]

[EXPLOSION AND SHATTERED GLASS IN FILM]

You going with some girl? Not right now.

You do like girls?

Sure, I like girls.

You know who you sounded like when you said that?

Tony Orlando.

You had that same kind of shy

and innocent sound about your voice.

Tony Orlando? Shy and innocent?

Are you a good dancer?

I got some moves. Yeah.

You know, I'm beginning to get real good vibes from you.

[♪♪♪]

OLD MOTHER: I gave you advantages I never had.

And where's my thanks?

You got the balls of nerve

to sit there smoking them fancy cigarettes

without even offering one to your own mom.

[JERRY REED'S "LAST TRAIN TO CLARKSVILLE"]

Too cheap to give me one of my own.

I'll have to put you up for adoption.

♪ Now, take that last Train to Clarksville ♪

Sure smells funny.

♪ I can't hear you in This noisy railroad station ♪

♪ All alone, I'm feelin' low ♪

Kind of tasty though.

[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING IN FILM]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Damn.

A good night for it to go and start raining.

So what?

Water get on them points and distributor,

we'll have to make our getaway by bus.

No, we won't.

There's a brand new rebuilt distributor

sitting in there, underneath that hood.

Well, who rebuilt it? These two hands.

Like I said, we'll have to make our getaway by bus.

[FILM PROJECTOR WHIRRING]

ANNOUNCER [OVER P.A.]: Folks, we stopped our feature

due to the inclement weather.

Now, those of you that ain't feeling patient

can use your rain check for a 100 percent totally free

admission tomorrow night. [CAR TOP WHIRRING]

Now, since the county weather service informs us

this front is simply passing through our area,

I encourage you all to wait it out

and enjoy the conclusion of our exciting feature.

You know who he's got with him? Glowie.

Glowie? Glowie?

We gotta go back and tell Enoch.

Who's we? I ain't going back and tell Enoch.

Uh-uh.

Oh, I can't tell him. He'd stomp my glasses.

Oh, boys. Where the heck have you been?

We've been working, don't you remember?

Hey, there's Dave and Ricky.

We told you. Well, yes. But where?

The emporium. The emporium?

HARRIET: Why don't you relax. Breakfast is almost ready.

No, I'm not gonna tell him. No. Not me.

There's rain on my glasses.

Maybe it wasn't Glowie. It could have been anybody.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

RICKY: You really mean that?

OZZIE: Yeah, unless it's something ridiculous.

What did you have in mind?

RICKY: I wanna buy a car.

A car? Ridiculous, huh...

Speak to me. We couldn't get the sucker.

Too many people standing around and like that.

Wait till the picture show starts up again.

And he's got poon with him too.

If she ain't Raquel Welch, it ain't no big thing.

Now you all go on.

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

We's happy as if we had good sense.

Yeah, well, I got enough sense

to be tired of sitting here at the drive-in,

alone and doing nothing.

You know what I think?

I think my horoscope needs some Geritol.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

No, Glowie goes out and gets herself a new guy,

and here I am with you.

Capricorn must be rising on the cusp of Uranus.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Desperate times calls for desperate measures.

What do you mean?

Let's go get the football team to break training.

All right. come on.

[GROANS]

[CHUCKLES] Watch it.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

You're really different. You know what I mean?

Sure.

Well, actually, no.

You're not different? No, I don't know what you mean.

I mean, you're sensitive.

Sensitive? Me?

That's something you never find in guys.

Girls, yes. But guys? Forget it.

For instance, I'm very sensitive.

Hey, terrific. No, it ain't.

I'm what you call vulnerable.

I get hurt by insensitive people.

Well, I'd never hurt you, Glowie.

I know you wouldn't. I mean, you couldn't.

You're sensitive, too.

I'm sorry, Orville. No, no.

You just caught me by surprise. That's all.

If I'd touched your hand earlier,

I'd have known how sensitive you are.

Well, how come?

'Cause it's sexy, and real soft.

No, it ain't all that soft. What ain't?

My hand.

Ain't that what you was talking about?

Do you wanna kiss me? Well, yeah, sure.

But it ain't fair to Enoch.

Orville, hear me good.

Enoch's out, and you're in.

Or about to be.

[RAIN STOPS]

Look, it stopped raining.

[CAR TOP SQUEAKING]

You gay? What?

I ain't prejudiced if you are. Well, I ain't.

I mean, if you are gay, no hard feelings.

No hard feelings. Get it?

I got to go along in my own speed.

Don't take what I say wrong.

But you ain't really all that sensitive.

Me?

I ain't sensitive?

I'll have you know I'm very sensitive.

No, Glowie, you really ain't.

And what you are is bossy.

Why, you're so bossy,

you'd show the devil how to run hell.

Well, somebody's got to show you, Orville,

'cause what you know about lovin',

an atheist knows about Sunday.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[FILM PROJECTOR STARTS]

[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING IN FILM]

[EMERGENCY VEHICLE SIRENS BLARING IN FILM]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, sweet thing. They done gone.

How would you like to ride home with me?

I'd rather have a non-specific infection.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's no end in sight ♪

Well, lookie what the rain washed up.

Hi.

Well, kiss my transmission.

Enoch.

Enoch!

Alabam caught him old Glowie.

Well...

And I thought my Glowie would be sitting at home

crying her eyes out 'cause she couldn't be with us.

I got faked out a little, didn't I?

Faked out a lot.

Who are you here with?

Willa Mae and Betty Jr. Better be true.

It is.

Good. Let's go talk to 'em. I wanna say hi.

But they took off. Oh, that figures.

I tell you.

What are you fixing to do?

Oh, I'm gonna kick your lying ass

until you look like the leftovers from Jaws.

Come in, my sweet.

[BOYS ALL CHUCKLE]

[GRUNTS IN PAIN]

[GROANING]

Young man? Are you all right?

Get me a doctor.

But I am a doctor.

[♪♪♪]

[SIRENS BLARING]

Hey, kid.

Have you seen a girl go fast from here?

Over there?

Why, you little-- Forget the kid.

[♪♪♪]

Ah. Okay.

Let's run it down again.

One, fat ass manager goes to snack bar.

Two, you follow.

You go in tell everybody to get on the floor--

How come I go in, you get to stay here?

Well, you got the piece.

Well, I can fix that

faster than God makes poor folks.

Hey, fool. That thing could've gone off.

Sure wouldn't hit no guts.

You calling me some kind of coward?

Is there more than one kind?

Friend or not, nobody talks to me like that.

Gifford, you do what you got to do,

and I'll do what I got to do.

You're a regular John Wayne, ain't you?

You know how come I wasn't scared? No. How come?

I had the safety on.

No, you didn't. That gun don't have a safety.

Well, it most certain-- Right there.

That's a butt screw. Holds the grips on.

John Wayne.

[♪♪♪]

You racing off means only one thing.

You've been giving out leg to some other guy.

And keep that shut

before somebody sticks something in it.

Now just tell me who and where,

so I can go rearrange his skull.

[BOYS CHUCKLE]

Hey, she don't like talking in front of no crowd of salamis.

You guys go get me Orville.

He demolished my door and he's got lumps coming.

I've been nice,

and you're as sour as a turkey that's hip to Thanksgiving.

Now tell me. Who's the yo-yo you're here with?

I told you, Betty Jr. and Willa Mae.

Ow!

Get off my waterbed.

If your heels go through that,

we'd have to build us an Ark, but quick.

Ow! Enoch!

Hope there's a special pitchfork waiting for you in hell.

[SCREAMS] Who?

Orville!

[CRYING] Orville Hennigson!

Orville Hennigson?

That turkey?

He don't even belong to no club.

He's got more sense than to belong to some dumb club.

Hey, you're talking sassy.

I gotta break you of that.

I mean, you're sassy as a Cadillac Seville.

[SOBS]

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

MAN [IN FILM]: All right, I'll take charge here.

Someone has got to bring order out of

this catastrophic disaster.

Go take off his gas cap and stick this in and light it.

We're having an earthquake. Look out, the buildings.

They're falling to the left and right of us.

Police.

WOMAN: They're shooting bystanders.

MAN: I don't like the looks of that dam.

I can see the cracks from here

and it's four miles above us.

[♪♪♪]

BILL HILL: I can't find that ring nowhere.

I wanna function in this world. I wanna be somebody.

You will be somebody. Mrs. Bill Hill.

After college, I want-- College?

Where are you gonna get the bread?

You ain't smart enough for no scholarship,

and you sure ain't no minority.

Well, then I'll go to State.

That takes bread.

Well, then I'll work part-time.

You couldn't make enough to get through kindergarten.

I can't find that ring. Well, I'll figure something.

Figure on marrying me.

I make enough to put you through school.

Folks do that all the time.

We'll be happy as A.J. Foyt after a race.

Look, I'll go get us a couple of Cokes,

and when I get back, tell me what you wanna do.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Ooh-whee.

God bless your mom and dad.

Hello, Bill Hill. Oh, hi. Hey.

How'd you know my name? From school.

You and I...

You and I could have never gone to the same school.

I mean, there's no way. No way I'd ever forget you.

You were a couple of years ahead of me.

I'm just a junior now. Pay down there.

There ain't nothing junior about you.

Do you come here a lot? Used to.

And I just may again.

What's your name anyway? Omalee Ledbetter.

You work weekends?

Except Sundays.

Maybe we could negotiate a little something.

Ooh-whee.

Shake and bake.

Think I can be identified?

Not with nothing human you can't.

The same thing holds true

even when you ain't got the mask on.

I'm gonna go case the snack bar.

How come you get to go in there and I got to stay out here?

Well, in a short little while, you're going in with the gun.

The less times you go in,

the less chance somebody will know who you are.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, bring me a hot dog and a Coke.

Hold the onions.

I thought you liked onions.

Not when I gotta breathe through some dumb mask.

Okay, 53, cap.

Hi, give me a couple of large Cokes... Okay.

and a box of popcorn.

And, uh, a couple of hotdogs.

On the first one, I want mustard and relish,

cut the onions and put chili and cheese on it.

You can put chili and cheese on the second one too.

Write it yourself. What do they pay you for?

To look like Miss America.

Move, will you? I'm trying to watch the film.

Okay, 16.

Hey, what did I say on that first hot dog?

Aw, just fake it.

♪ And Blue Ribbon beer ♪

♪ A cowboy is cussin' ♪

♪ The pinball machine ♪

♪ A drunk at the bar ♪

♪ Is gettin' noisy and mean ♪

♪ And some guy on the phone ♪

♪ Says I'll be home soon Dear ♪

♪ Rednecks, white socks ♪

♪ And Blue Ribbon beer ♪

♪ No, we don't fit in With that white collar crowd ♪

♪ We're a little too rowdy ♪

A spy from the CIA.

Hold still, boy.

You're busier than a belly dancer with a case of crabs.

Be still or I'm gonna go inside your head.

You sure they didn't put onions on this thing?

No, there ain't no onions on it.

Well, there's onions on this one.

That's mine. Give it here.

What are we gonna do with him?

Well, he likes to use his eyes,

maybe just stomp on his eyelids, huh?

Maybe we just use him for a hostage.

Oh, a hostage. That's great.

What's a hostage?

A hostage is a bullet-proof vest that breathes.

WILL HENRY: You want some popcorn?

Ma told me never take no food from no strangers.

But I'll take a bite of that hot dog.

All right, but just a little bite.

Don't eat half of it.

Jesus, he's worse than Jaws.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

[CAR TOP WHIRRING]

Hey, Orville, open up! Come on out, Orville, man!

In 10 seconds, you'll make hell look like a lightning bug.

Okay, Alabam, light his fire.

ANNOUNCER [P.A.]: Why not take this opportunity to visit the snack stand...

...for a nice Dr. Pepper. Put it out!

Get your foot down.

Oh.

Just joshing, Orville.

What did you tell him that for?

I had to so he won't chicken up and split before we get back.

Come on.

[LIGHT-HEARTED THEME PLAYING ON SCREEN]

Uh, yes, sir, may I help you?

I'd like two of those, please.

Hot dogs? Yes, sir.

And three of those.

And one of those.

And five bars of these.

And a cup of that nice hot liquid.

Uh, coffee. Coming right up.

Oh, and two bags of those peculiar white puffy material.

You mean our crunchy popcorn.

Uh...shall I wrap that for you, sir?

Oh, that's all right. My saucer's just outside.

Heh. They come from miles to enjoy our intermission.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

MAN: There's the drive-in.

How we gonna get in? We don't have any money.

My daddy said when he was little,

they was so poor they'd stand around, look at each other,

wondering which one they was gonna eat first.

[ALL CHUCKLE] We ain't doing better now.

When you told me you was cooking catfish tonight,

I had no idea we had to catch it.

First we waste two hours, nothing to eat,

and then you yo-yos go and blow our last

couple of bucks at the Dairy Queen.

That drive-in will be wall-to-wall poon tonight.

Push on. We'll think of something.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, say, did we miss much?

Practically nothing. Give me $3, please.

Say, why don't you fill me in?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Come on, you have to move this car, $3.

[ENGINE STRUGGLING]

The damn thing won't start. Say, sir...

do you think we ought to push it over

against that building so these people can get in?

Yeah, okay, come on. Move it.

Come on, y'all.

[♪♪♪]

What do you think we ought to do now, sir?

Well, try flooring it.

Floor it. Floor it.

Then what? Well, put it in gear.

No, the picture. Oh, the picture?

Well, the dam breaks and--

Hey, he didn't pay! He didn't pay?

Come on. We'll get him for you, sir!

[♪♪♪]

Used to be nothing but top poon out here.

The last few weeks ain't been nothing

but a ugly convention.

Uh-uh, two Saturday's ago,

Diddle here got him some first-class leg.

Ooh, she really had it. Yeah, and she give it to me.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]

[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING IN FILM]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Enter.

Diddle Brown's people, they're here.

We just seen 'em come in.

Just go keep an eye on them like we planned.

Hey, hold it down out there.

Woman, you's messy.

I like my people pretty.

Slapping a person around don't put her at her best.

It's all over, ain't it, Glowie?

When there's nothing left between two people,

ain't much use hanging on.

Unless you wanna take up with one of my boys.

If I can't be tablecloth,

I sure as hell don't wanna be napkin.

Well, I'm gonna be busy,

so just give your Orville a personal message for me.

Hey, that's my knife. Bring it back!

Okay. No, no.

You got it. No, no!

[WHINING AND WHIMPERING]

[♪♪♪]

I've heard of realism, but this is ridiculous.

[CAR SQUEAKING]

Orville!

Who's Orville? My brother.

Well, did he see you? No.

Good, you're still a hostage then.

I'll scalp that fat dwarf.

[SHIP'S HORN BLARING]

Glowie?

Glowie? Glowie, what happened?

I was making out with a cement mixer.

Who done this to you? None of your business.

You made it my business when you started

vamping me this evening.

Vamping? I've been vamping?

You sure been vamping. I never vamped nobody. I don't have to.

Most men don't need vamping.

Probably did it to get Enoch jealous.

Orville,

I am and always have been a one-man woman.

I mean, if there's one thing I've got,

it is sincere.

When I was going with Enoch, I never looked at nobody else.

It wasn't until Enoch and I was through

that I took my first good look at you.

Well, I don't like hassles,

but the time has come for me to strap on my guns

and go find Enoch.

Hey, I don't want nobody getting shot at over me.

No, I mean...

Okay, okay, nobody will get shot.

You watch out.

That Enoch's a rough cob.

He'll take you apart bone by bone.

Or else he won't.

[SHIP'S HORN BLOWS]

We're sure looking forward to some grab-ass tonight.

Who weren't? I've been hotter than a fat lady's girdle.

If I don't score tonight, you're it.

Hey, squash it.

We ain't checked out that popcorn stand yet.

We just might catch some leg in there.

That's a big 10-4. Come on!

WOMAN [IN FILM]: Help! Help!

MAN 1: Man overboard.

MAN 2: We're all overboard.

MAN 1: Look, look!

What are those great white things... [KNOCKS]

...coming towards us?

MAN 2: Sharks!

Diddle Brown and them just took off for the popcorn stand.

Well, when they come out, we'll give them a reception.

We'll get them before they can get word to God.

[INHALES]

[WIND HOWLING IN FILM]

♪ And we got a good thing ♪

There's the manager. There's that cash box.

♪ There's no end in sight ♪

Good luck. Luck?

I don't need luck no more

than a tomcat needs a marriage license.

I got me altogether.

This here's a new me.

Iron backbone, steel guts.

Does he get rusty when it rains?

[LAUGHS]

LITTLE BIT: You guys really going through with this?

Well, can a hostage say something?

I guess so. Don't!

You two salamis ain't no Bonnie and Clyde.

[LAUGHTER]

[JOHNNY PAYCHECK'S "LOVE IS A GOOD THING" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ There's no way It's gonna break us up ♪

♪ Nothing gets A good love down ♪

♪ Bring on the sunshine ♪

Welcome to the Widow Makers Hour.

Tonight, Enoch's special guest is Diddle Brown.

Hey, now, let's talk about this thing like we have good sense.

How come you didn't tell that to Eddie J?

Before you put him in the hospital?

I never knowed he was one of yours.

Diddle friend, you got faces on both sides of your head.

Well, I got to give you that.

But in this case, that boy wasn't flying your colors.

♪ All I wanna do Is love you more ♪

Bet you a buck, he tries putting the mask over his hat.

♪ 'Cause there's one thing That I know for sure ♪

♪ Your good loving Pleases me ♪

Uh, could I have your attention, please?

This here's a stickup.

Y'all reach for some sky, please.

Now, anybody get any ideas

and this kid will get hit in a hail of bullets.

♪ Love is a good thing ♪

Now we get the manager, Gifford?

Don't call out my name in public,

you dumb billy goat.

You, fat-ass,

I saw you put that cash box in that ice cream chest.

Put it out here where we can see it.

Everybody hit the floor.

Well, now.

Oh, not you, stupid.

I knew I shouldn't have come here.

You, Chocolate Drop. Get up.

Chocolate Drop? Me?

Yeah, you!

And make it fast. I'm a doctor of medicine,

and as such, of value to all peoples.

After all my training,

it's just not conceivable that I should die.

But if I must, I'll die as a man.

Oh, shut up, M.D., before it gets any more uphill.

[GASPS]

Getting inside your chest

is tempting to me as an unlocked Corvette.

All right, all right, you can take us.

You come prepared, but you'll know you've been in a fight.

Don't do that, fat-ass!

Get the strong box, give it to the kid.

Now anybody gets any ideas,

this kid's gonna get a hail full of bullets.

I know that voice.

The strongbox, give it to the kid.

Don't nobody move, please.

Will Henry.

Gifford, he said my name.

It's all right. He knows who we are.

We gotta get out of here. Now stay calm.

We gotta get out of here.

[GUNSHOTS]

A shooting! [WOMAN SCREAMING IN DISTANCE]

Let's get out of here.

[♪♪♪]

Split!

You got away this time cleaner than a school teacher's leg.

But we gonna meet again. Not if I can help it.

Well, you can't.

Boo!

[POLICE SIREN BLARING]

[RAY STEVENS' "MISTY"]

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ I'm as helpless As a kitten up a tree ♪

After them, uh, maybe there's a reward.

♪ I can't understand ♪

Hurry, Gifford, hurry.

You get shot? No, I didn't get shot.

Who shot you? I didn't get shot.

You shot yourself. You shot yourself.

WILL HENRY: No, I didn't shoot myself.

I caught my hand in the trigger.

You're as dangerous as a drunk hillbilly with a credit card.

I ain't no hillbilly and I never had credit card.

I didn't shoot myself. I caught it in there.

That's half-dumb, anyway. That's dumb.

What kind of a vigilante are you, anyway? Get going!

[ENGINE STRUGGLES AND STARTS]

♪ You can say That you're leading me on ♪

♪ But it's just What I want you to do ♪

There goes the other one.

♪ Don't you notice How hopelessly I'm lost ♪

♪ That's why I'm following you ♪

Don't even mind you sitting there,

sweating like your pa used to.

♪ Should I wander Through this wonderland alone ♪

♪ Never knowing my right foot From my left ♪

♪ My hat from my glove ♪

♪ I'm misty And too much in love ♪

OLD MOTHER: After 'em!

After 'em! Get going!

[♪♪♪]

Have a puff.

♪ You can say That you're leading me on ♪

♪ But it's just What I want you to do ♪

♪ Don't you notice How hopelessly I'm lost ♪

♪ That's why I'm following you ♪

GIFFORD: Cool now. Take the money out

and throw away the cash box.

The cash box? What cash box?

The cash box. The kid's got it. Get it from the kid.

Where's the kid? Where's the kid?

Yeah, where's the kid? I thought you brought him.

WILL HENRY: He ain't small, you think I got him stuck in my hip pocket?

GIFFORD: I don't know, I didn't have time to bring him.

WILL HENRY: Now, you just about put the old fudge icing on the cake.

Well, you baked it.

Oh, great. Gifford, I--

♪ Too much in love ♪

Take me with ya.

Well, you guys need somebody to think for you.

It seems to me like we ain't got but about two choices here.

One is to get out of this crime business here and now.

And two? To wait until

after your first jail sentence.

It wasn't what I was gonna say, but it'll sure do.

Well, what was you gonna say, Will Henry?

Let's head on up to north, to Cincinnati tonight

and enroll in that Diesel School first thing in the morning.

Well, what do we do for gas money?

I may be no good, never have been,

but I ain't about to invoke no kid on a life of crime.

For all the good it's done, we could sell this thing.

You go on and take that box back to the manager.

Get yourself a nice big reward.

Happy trails.

[CAR SQUEAKING]

They gone?

[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING IN FILM]

Can you identify 'em?

LITTLE BIT: Sure, they was two big, super-ugly dudes.

Can't you be more specific?

When you're big and super-ugly,

you're big and super-ugly, ain't no more.

What about the car?

Red,

four wheels,

two doors,

steering wheel--

I appreciate what you did for me, sonny.

You can have anything you want on the house.

A free movie ticket, hot dog, popcorn, candy.

Money.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, I've been thinking about what you said.

And? Yes.

Yes, what? Yes, I'll marry you.

Hey, great.

What's wrong?

I'm just surprised.

Happy surprised.

I ought to know if something's wrong.

Did something happen at the snack bar?

Of course not, what could happen?

I don't know. Something.

I mean, you changed so quick.

I'm sure you got your reasons.

Two big ones.

What? There was this holdup.

A holdup? Yeah.

Two guys waving guns around. You said nothing happened.

My whole future flashed before my eyes. You mean your past?

No, my future.

There ain't nothing I can do about my past.

I've already been there.

I thought about all the trees I never got to climb.

All the ponds I never got to fish in.

I ain't all that interested in trees and ponds,

unless, well...

if you're saying what I think you're saying,

it works both ways.

What does?

Climbing trees and fishing ponds.

If a woman goes off to college on her own,

she's bound to change some. [SIGHS]

There's gonna be at least a couple of hundred books

and four years standing between us.

Can you see me still worried

whether your rebuilt carburetor is or is not sucking air?

And you too.

Sucking air?

No, change.

You've changed more in the last 10 minutes

than you have in the last 10 years.

Here's your damn ring back.

Hey, where'd you find it?

It was in my shoe.

I thought it was my corn acting up.

A fella really inherits all sorts of things

when he gets hisself married.

Yeah, but I guess you don't have to worry about that now, do you?

[EXHALES] What a night.

That's right, Bill Hill.

Life just won't sit still for nobody, will it?

For nobody.

[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

Get the door.

Well, hello, Orville.

[♪♪♪]

It's a fight. Don't you get involved.

[MEN GRUNTING]

Come on, get him!

MAN: Get him!

Gang violence. It's frightening.

[EXCLAIMS]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, get him!

[BOYS WHOOPING AND HOLLERING]

SPOON: All right!

Goddamn, you--

Say, what's going on here?

Man, I've had a bad day,

and every time I look up, it's you.

SPOON: Hey, hey, hey, hey, get him!

[BOYS WHOOPING AND HOLLERING]

[MEN GRUNTING]

Where's my knife at?

That's enough for you. ENOCH: Where's my damn knife?

Where's my knife at?

Look what he did to my knife, Spoon.

I'd have had him.

One more punch and I'd have had him.

Hey, you, guys. Hey, now, come on.

Alabam! Y'all get back here right this minute!

[ENGINE STARTS]

[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING IN FILM OVER SPEAKERS]

[FABRIC TEARS; AIR HISSING]

[WATER BUBBLING]

Can't you wait? It's almost over.

Stay if you like, I'm leaving.

And I'm leaving now.

Calm down. I'm calm.

I came here calm and I'm gonna leave here calm.

And the keyword is "leave."

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING IN FILM]

He's never in focus.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot, please!

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

[TRIUMPHANT THEME PLAYING IN FILM]

Somebody's got to rebuild Rio.

[CAR ENGINES START]

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ There's no place To run and hide ♪

♪ For he knows Where you're at ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ Every wrong thing That you do ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ This doggone world We're living in ♪

♪ It's giving me a fit ♪

♪ It seems like Everywhere I turn ♪

♪ I see a hypocrite ♪

♪ Well, if you wanna go To heaven ♪

♪ Well, you can't live Like that ♪

♪ So let me tell you Brother ♪

♪ God's a-gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that, yeah ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that... ♪

Where've you been? Around.

I miss all the good stuff.

Good stuff?

I near had my head handed to me.

Near nothing.

He whupped Enoch.

That's impossible.

I can't believe it.

You'd better believe it. It's true.

That's right, or else she wouldn't be sitting here.

Wrong, Orville. Wrong.

You whupping Enoch's

got nothing to do with me being here.

I ain't some prize that goes to the winner.

Don't you see? I'm here because I wanna be.

My choice.

Okay.

Okay, what?

You and me?

Yeah.

We'll give it a try?

We'll give it a hell of a try.

We sure will.

"We?" "We?"

"We" ain't you.

♪ But the other night ♪

♪ While goin' By the local liquor store ♪

♪ I caught old sister Bessie ♪

♪ Flyin' out the door ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ There's no place To run and hide ♪

♪ For he knows Where you're at ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

♪ God's gonna get 'cha For that ♪

[THE STATLER BROTHERS' "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO RANDOLPH SCOTT"]

They pink, Orville. Pink as bubble gum.

♪ Everybody knows When you go to the show ♪

♪ You can't take the kids Along ♪

♪ You've gotta read the paper And know the code ♪

♪ Of G, PG and R and X ♪

Hey, there's Dave and Ricky.

♪ And you gotta know What the movie's about ♪

♪ Before you even go ♪

♪ Tex Ritter's gone And Disney's dead ♪

♪ And the screen is filled With sex ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Ridin' the trail alone ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Gene and Tex ♪

♪ And Roy and Rex The Durango Kid ♪

♪ Oh, whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ His horse, plain as can be ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the best of me ♪

The damn thing won't start.

Do you think we ought to push it over

against that building so these people can get in?

♪ Everybody's tryin' To make a comment... ♪

Boy, if anybody can make a live one out of him, it's Glowie.

♪ The only movie I've really understood in years ♪

I came here calm and I'm gonna leave here calm.

And the key word is "leave."

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the industry... ♪

Oh, if only they'd had the pill when I was young.

♪ Allan Rocky Lane ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Lash LaRue ♪

♪ I'd love to see them again ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Smiley Burnette ♪

♪ Tim Holt and Gene Autry ♪

♪ Whatever happened To all of these... ♪

Somebody's got to rebuild Rio.

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the industry ♪

DEEJAY [OVER P.A.]: Get back on the floor. The music's great.

Come on. Everybody skate!

♪ Everybody's tryin' To make a comment ♪

♪ About our doubts and fears ♪

♪ True Grit's the only movie ♪

♪ I've really understood In years ♪

♪ You've gotta take Your analyst along ♪

♪ To see if it's fit to see ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the industry ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Johnny Mack Brown ♪

♪ And Allan Rocky Lane ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Lash LaRue ♪

♪ I'd love to see them again ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Smiley Burnette ♪

♪ Tim Holt and Gene Autry ♪

♪ Whatever happened To all of these ♪

♪ Has happened To the best of me ♪

♪ Whatever happened To Randolph Scott ♪

♪ Has happened To the industry ♪