Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018) - full transcript

Comedian Drew Michael is taking the stage and is holding nothing back in his first HBO stand-up special, in which he navigates his fears, anxieties and insecurities in an unconventional stand-up setting.

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"This is the latest I've
stayed up in a long time."

"Yeah, me too."

"I'm usually like a...
Mm, like one a.m. max."

- "One a.m.?"
- "Yeah."

"After that, what happens?
You get cranky?"

"Yeah, I just, uh, I can't be
around people anymore."

- "Yeah."
- "It's very rough for me to wanna''

"Well, also, after one a.m. you're
around after one a.m. people."


"It's not a great
sort of cross-section."

"But you're
an after one a.m. person."

- "I am, no."
- "All the time?"

"Are you always a one a.m.

Like, after one a.m. person?"

- "Um, I..."
- "Yes, you are."

- "I guess it depends."
- "You do this all the time."

But sometimes it's during the day."

"Sometimes, I meet people and..."

"Oh, one... Right.
That's, well, that's one p.m."

"Oh, dear.
I think we're both tired."

"Yeah, probably."

"The sun's coming up."

"I can't believe
I have to get on a plane today."

You gonna try to sleep, or no?"

"No. I'm gonna get on the plane
and fall asleep"

"and forget any of this happened."

How long's the flight?"

"Like ten hours."

"I don't know
how to make a relationship work."

I can do, like, the first part
of a relationship.

That's the thing is like when
you get older, you kinda like...

You start to recognize parts of your
life as pieces of bigger patterns.

You know, when you're younger
everything's like in the moment

but when you're older
it's like... Okay

This is part of this larger arc

Like, all my relationships
basically go the same way.

They're different, but they all kinda
follow the same trajectory.

You know, it's the same pattern.

I get into something
it's super-intense

and as soon as I feel like the
slightest bit vulnerable or exposed

I get insecure and I project
that onto the other person

find something wrong with them
use that as the reason

why I have to stop seeing them.


"And the second time
you see someone"

"do you move in together?"

"No, the second time
we go to couples' therapy."

That's the pattern
every single time!

Every single time, and so I'm like
"Okay, so the issue is me."

"I need to figure my shit out so
I gotta go to therapy or something"

and so I went to a therapist
told him my whole life story

really opened up to him.

He said it was some commitment
thing. I'm like

"Oh, you put a lotta thought into
that one you fucking idiot!"

And then I had to stop seeing him.

I can't see some hack therapist.

It's like
"Oh, commitment issues? Really?"

"You coulda said that to nine
outta ten people and been right."

Like where's the training?

But it's like
he was supposed to end the cycle.

I just made him part of it.

That's not what's
supposed to happen. It's kinda...

That's like goin' to AA
and being like...

Finally, some real drinking buddies!

Like, what? No, they're supposed
to pull you out of the cycle

Not enable it further.

So, what now?

Yeah, I went...

I try to think about
like, why I am the way that I am.

Like, I'm kinda just a...
I'm just like a guarded...

Person in general
like I got a lot of...

Walls here.

I try to think about, like, why that is
like what made me that way.

I think the biggest reason
is I have a hearing loss

that I've had
since I was really young.

When I was three-years-old
my... I failed the hearing test.

"And my doctor was like:
You need hearing aids!"

"And I said: No."

"And he said:
Oh, okay."

"He just like let me do it."

I'm three.
Why am I makin' this choice?

Someone make it for me.

Like, "Ah, well, you're an adult.
You made your decision."

I'm like, "What?
I can't hear now."

"I don't know
what the fuck people are saying"

"I didn't wear them
until I was twenty-one."

"Mos... Two thirds of my life
was just guessing."

"I didn't know what people
were saying."

"People would say shit
and look at me."

I'm like, Ah! Fuck! What?
I don't know.

What ends this?

Like, get me out of this moment

It's a fucking nightmare.

Cause you can't just ask people
to repeat themselves constantly.

You can't just be like, "What?"

It's annoying. You get like one
"What?" per friendship.

That's the limit.
After that, they move on.

They're like, "We're gonna hang
out with this dude who can hear."

And I don't say that for pity, either.

I don't want anyone to feel bad
for me

'cause I know I wouldn't do
differently if I was in their situation.

I'm not better than anyone.
I know that.

I've been on the other side of that.

My grandma's eighty-four years old
rapidly losing her hearing.

Cannot hear shit.
This is my grandma

Like, I love her!

But every time I say
something to her she's like...

My first thought is
just die, already!

Like, that's my first thought.

And I don't want anything bad
to happen to my grandma

but I also don't wanna have to say
what I just said again.

Like, I just said it!
You had your chance.

Somethin's gotta give here.

It might as well be the person
who can only eat sweet potatoes.

She had eighty-three good years.
I didn't have that.

My point is I can empathize
with my oppressors.

It's a weird disability.
Like it's weird.

Like, even the things that are made
to help you, people are kinda like...

Like, they're... about
like it's just...

Like, I watch movies
with closed captioning on

which is how I watch 'em.

I've always watched 'em that way.
I never used to tell anyone about it

I never used to bring it up because
I didn't wanna be different.

I didn't wanna be seen as different.

I didn't wanna call attention
to the fact that I was different.

The first time I brought it up
I was in college.

My roommate was like
"Hey, you wanna watch a movie?"

I was like, "Yeah. Do you mind if
we turn on the closed captioning?"

"I got, like, a hearing thing"
figuring he's my friend

he'd understand.

And he said...

And here's the thing
it's not the same.

If it was the same
I would just ask for that.

Second of all, I'm not even sure
you're legally allowed to say no.

Like, this is what they're for

Turn 'em on.
Like, I'm the guy.

Like, what do you think there for?
To fuck with you?

For the people at the gym?

Like, I'm the person that
the technology is for.

Turn them o... Like there's
a picture on the back of the box

of a... Like the ear.
Closed captioning.

That's my fucking ear!

Turn 'em on, you psycho.

It's like in no other disability
is this even remotely acceptable.

It's like, if your friend
was in a wheelchair

and he was like "Hey, do you
mind if we take the ramp?"

Would you be like...
"Come on! The ramp?"

"It's all the way on the other
side of the building, dude."

"The normal door is right here."

"It's three steps.
Can't you crawl up there?"

"Aren't your arms stronger?"

"Can't we just pick you up
and throw you?"

"Is that fine?
You still get there."

"It's the same!"
It's not the same.

Turn on the closed captioning

I wanna see when
acoustic music is playing.

I gotta know. That's how you know
what's goin' on in the movies.

You see that parentheses
like, Up-tempo techno

and you go, Oh! Okay.

Now I see what's goin' on
in this David Lynch film.

I was ...
I was so lost before.

But you didn't look like you were
about to jump in the shower.

- "Oh, that's very nice...''
- Take it off.

I would just think a lot,
so I would just think, I would think...

I would just think all day

Just thoughts.

It's comfortable, because you
I never would mishear myself.

Like I never have a thought and
I'm like, "Wait, one more time?"

It's just there.
I know the thought.

There's a comfort to that.
It gets intense, though

because after a while
like, the thoughts get weird.

It's weird up here
it's just not... A lot of weird...

A lot of fucked up thoughts.
Fucked up.

And the thing is, you don't know
your thoughts are fucked up

until you say them out loud

and then that look of horror
overcomes people

and you're like... Like you don't
know your thought is fucked up

until you say, like,
"Hey if we could eat animals"

"why can't we fuck them?"
And people are like, "What?"

And you're like
"Oh... I don't know."

"I was just thinking about me"

"and I feel like I...
I'd rather get fucked than eaten."

Like I think if you told an animal,

"Hey, we're about to murder
and then eat you"

They'd be like ...

"Can you please just fuck me?"

I would think about suicide a lot.


I didn't wanna do it
I just thought, like...

If I did it
what would a funny way be?

Like, what would a funny way be?
I don't wanna go out boring.

Like, what would be
a funny end to all of this?

I think it would be funny
if you go to a water park

and you go to the top of a really...

like, a tall waterslide

and, like
right as you're about to go down

you just blow your head off

and make the corpse go, like...

through the whole course
of the slide

like, all the tunnels
and the turns and just...

just like splashes
in the bottom of the pool.

All the kids are screaming, parents
are like, sprinting towards the pool.

You know, funny!

I think you would think that
was funny even if you were there

even if you were at the water park

even if that was your kid
in the pool.

Once you got the kid outta the pool

you dried him off
you put him in the car

on the ride home you'd be like...

That's a pretty good bit.
Like, I think you would recognize

the level of commitment alone
is impressive

like, "Oh my God!
He brought a gun to a water park?"

"He waited in line up the steps
for like twenty minutes?"

"He had goggles on, why the fuck
did he have goggles on?"

Who cares
if you get water in your eyes

if your...
brain is exploded?

"I'm gonna miss that guy."
You start missing me.

You feel that kinship
through the attention to detail.

Fucked up thought.

And that's just a thought that I had.

I'm not tryin' to make light of
something that people, you know

'cause it's it...
Suicide is a tough subject.

There's some subjects
people think are just never funny.

And I hear that
I'm not like a sociopath

I'm not like
"Everything is funny! Fuck you!"

No, it's like you know
I think about it

I don't wanna hurt anybody.

But suicide's a tough one
it's a tough one

because people get offended
at suicide jokes

but it's never suicidal people.

It's always like
suicide-adjacent people.

Like, suicidal people...

Love suicide jokes.

Right? You know why?

That's their thing.

Like everybody has a thing.

Like, if you're married maybe
you like a joke about marriage.

'Cause you hear it, you're like

"Oh honey, that's so us
or whatever."

Suicidal person hears a suicide
joke, it's the same thing.

It's like "I'm not gonna tell anyone
but that is so me!"

You're gonna find out in a note
how good that joke really was

and then regret not laughing more
later because it is on the money.

It's cathartic.

Like, if you're dealing
with those private, painful

personal dark thoughts
to hear them talked about

and made light of in a public forum
that's a catha- that's catharsis.

You feel connected to someone
outside your own mind.

That's a positive emotion.

I'm not gonna take that
away from someone

just to spare someone else
a moment of discomfort.

But I get why people get upset.

I had a dude once, he was like
"That's not funny."

"You should never joke
about that."

"My nephew killed himself.
You think that's funny?"

I was like "What? No."
I was like, "What? No."

"No, that's not what
I'm talking about at all."

"That's not funny."

"That's incredibly sad."

"I'm sad right now hearing
about it, you know"

"'cause your nephew..."

"Would've loved that joke."

It's like, yeah, my target
market is missing, tragic.

Also, if he would've heard this joke
he wouldn't have felt alone

as he obviously did
and that's really my point

is if you don't like something
just let it go

and hit the people
that it's meant for.

That's not for everybody.

There are people who are gonna
hate it. There's people right now

who are like
"Dude, I fucking hate this joke"

"and it's gone on way too long
and I just want it to end."

And it's like... All right

and now you know how suicidal
people feel about life.

We want them to stick it out
a little bit longer.

I think you can, too.

The joke was about
empathy the whole time.

- "Hey."
- Hey.

"I was just about to call ya."

I was gonna call you.
How ya doin'?

- "I'm good."
- Yeah?

"Yeah. How was...
How was your day?"

It was good.
Actually, I had a really good day.

Tell me about it."

Well, I got up
and I actually like, ran...

Well, I did actually two hours of...
I did yoga and Pilates today.

- "Both? You're trying to..."
- Yeah.

"You were tryin' to get more
of those in there."

No, I absolutely smashed it.
I don't even...

Like, tomorrow I'm just gonna
look ridiculously good.

"Yeah, no, look, tomorrow you
earn popcorn and whatever else."

Yeah, exactly, I'm gonna have...
I'm gonna make a lemon square.

You know how to make those?"

Yeah, I haven't told you. I do know
how to make lemon squares.

"Is that your thing?"

- "That's kind of..."
- Yeah

And I know how to bake
sweet potatoes as well.

- "Okay."
- Yeah. That's kind of it.

"I could do one of those
I'm not gonna tell you which one."

I bet you could bake
a sweet potato

but I bet you don't know
that you should put little holes in it.

"With a fork?
you punch with a fork?"

Oh, you must.
You absolutely must.

"I know. I know a thing or two"

And I'm not sure if you wrap
your potatoes in foil

because there are, like, people that
wrap them and people that don't

- "Which one are you?"
- You've got to wrap.

- You've got to wrap and poke.
- "Gotta wrap and poke."

Yeah, 'cause the steams gotta
come out but not too much.

I don't know if you let- if you let all
your steam come out.

Is that a plan on lemon squares
too, of just the sweet potatoes?

No, that's a whole different thing.

- I can't tell you that recipe.
- "That's secret."

"All right, how long do I have
to wait to... To find out then?"

- What? My lemon square thing?
- "Yeah."

I don't know. My dead great
grandmother told it to me so...

- "Oh, God."
- I'm probably

not gonna ever tell you.

"That's... I didn't know
I was stepping into an heirloom."

No, it's fine.
She lived a long and healthy life.

"It's a family crest,
I was trying to pry it from you."

What are you up to?

"You know, I'm about to...
About to jump in the shower"

"and then head out.
I answered un-showered."

But you don't look like you're
about to jump in the shower.

- Oh, that's very nice of you to say.
- "Take it off."

- "You wanna come in with me?"
- No.

"I think I would sacrifice
this for this phone."

When was the last time
you showered?

"I'm tryin' to give
you an exact hour amount."

- "I think eighteen hours ago?"
- Oh, eighteen hours.

I thought you were gonna be, like
two hours ago.

Are you, like, one
of those people that shower...

Like when we see each other
again, are you just gonna be...

Like if I come in on the plane
are you gonna be like

- You have to have a shower?
- I'm gonna come and...

I always think that's so weird.
It's like, can't we just not do that?

Like, I know I've been
on a plane, but like...

"I'm gonna have you guess"

"shower or no shower."

You're gonna make
me shower though

- when we see each other again?
- "You should shower for sure."

But like if I haven't
seen you for all this time

and I just get off the plane
are you gonna be like...

"You have to have a shower?"

- This is a deal breaker for me.
- "For you?"

- "Oh. If I make you shower?"
- Yes! Like straightaway.

"No, I trust your sort
of, uh, judgment on that."

Okay, fine, I'll just shower before.

"That's up to you. I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna tell you what to do."

- "I mean I will judge you..."
- Yeah, don't control me. Stop it.

"Yeah, no more...
Yeah, that comes later."


"That comes later."

"I like looking at your face."

- Shut up.
- "No?"

"You can see your face too
the little square in the bottom."

No, I look like a thumb.

"That's 'cause
your thumb's in the way."

It is not.
I just...

You look like...
You look really dewy.

You're like all smooth
and stuff.

- "Jews are smooth?"
- No! You're all dewy.

Not about you being Jew...

You always bring it back
to being Jewish. No.

- "You said I looked Jewy..."
- No, like...

"And then you said I look smooth."

No, dewy like a pancake.

- "Chewy?"
- No! Dewy.

Dewy. Like you moisturize a lot.
Doesn't matter. Whatever.

- "Is that a translation thing?"
- No, no,

"Is it a language...
Is it a cultural thing?"

Do you guys not say dewy?

- "No, Jewy means like..."
- Dewy, like smooth.

- "Jewish shit."
- Okay, sorry.

"I'm glad we clarified that"

- 'cause that could be a problem."
- No, you know, like a dewy Jew.

"Right. Is that... Wait
are we pancake or Holocaust?"


- You're such an idiot.
- "Which Jewy... you gotta specify."

- Shut up.
- "'cause now I'm completely lost."

"Is that a British thing?2

I had my eyebrows tweezed today.

"Oh, okay! It was yoga
Pilates and eyebrows."

Yeah. I just went in this place
opposite and I felt...

You know, like when somebody
like, does something for you

and you feel like all warm
and gooey inside?

Like this woman took real care
about like, tweezing my eyebrows.

And she was like showing me how
to draw them in and stuff

and I just, I don't know
it was really sweet.

"Did she tweeze them
or thread them?"

No, she was tweezing them.

"Oh, tweez- with the tweezers?
I don't know what..."

"I see, like, women go into places
and then they come out..."

"I just don't really know
what happens in there."

You know we had a lovely little
moment. She was like...

Here's why they're
all like, wobbly and all...

And I was like, "Yeah". She was
like "Yeah, they're little twixers"

"but we can...
We can do something."

- "Yeah, the threading shit is like..."
- Yeah.

I do do that sometimes, but I just
sneeze and cry... quite a lot.

- "It's really hard to do".
- Yeah, it seems insane.

"The people who do that
how do they..."

It's insane
and I'm always really scared

they're gonna take off
your eyelashes

'cause it's literally like they get
this piece of thread and just like...

"Are they the most skilled people
on the planet?"

- Yeah.
- "Like, they go in there quickly..."

Oh my God.
Wait, I have to tell you something.

I went...
One time I went to the Korean spa

and the woman scrubbed me
so hard that I bled.

- "On your... eye- your eyebrows?"
- No, not on my...

- No, obviously not on my eyebrow.
- "She scrubbed you?"

- Scrubbed me so hard
- "Where were you bleeding at?"

I got herpes a little while ago.
Who gives a shit?

That's not a subject people are
like, super open about.

Like, I like bringin' it up
because, like, not- you know

anytime I bring it up people
always wanna ask questions.

They're like, "Oh, you got it?"

It's like, "Yeah."
Do you know how you got it?

Yeah, pretty good idea.

How'd you get it?

I was like, I don't know. What do
you wanna know, the position?

Like, how'd I get it?
I'm not a loser.

Like, that's how.
I'm thirty-two.

Okay, if you're thirty, you better
either be married or have herpes.

Like, pick one.
Commit to something

commit to a person or a way of life.
Like, who are you?

Three decades
nothing to show for it?

Figure it the fuck out.
Marriage or herpes.


A lot of my friends got married.

I got herpes.

At least mine is gonna last forever.

People get fucked up
about it, though.

They get, like, fucked up about it!
Like, people get fucked up!

They hear that they have it, they
get fucked up, and you shouldn't.

It's not that big of a deal.

But there's like a sense
of shame associated with it.

'Cause society will imbue
you with a sense of shame

for something that's on your body.

Which is, like, that's body shaming.

That's textbook body shaming.

It's on my body
and you're shaming me for it?

That's literally
what body shaming is.

No one gets behind that cause.
Like, no one's ev...

Where's that Dove ad campaign?

Where's that brave
Instagram post?

That would be brave.

That's a brave Instagram post.
A fresh outbreak.

Woke up like this.
Like, that's fucking brave as shit.

That's way braver
than you with no makeup.

I don't know how
you're keeping score on bravery

but I'm pretty sure
that that wins.

It's not even that big of a deal.

It's like that's something I learned.

It's not as big of a deal as they
make it seem

so I feel like if you have it

you shouldn't let yourself
get fucked up about it.

Like don't let it affect
your sense of self.

It's fine.

If you don't have it, get it!

Just get it!

Then it's over, that's it.
You're done!

You know what I mean?
Like it's kind of better.

Like, I used to not have it.
And now I do and it's like...

I remember I used to always worry
about getting it...

But now I don't.
That's pretty nice.

There's something
liberating about that.

Like, it's liberating
to not have to worry anymore.

Also, if we all got it, then it's kind
of like no one has it anymore

which is... That's basically a cure.

Make it the new normal
and that's it.

I get a lot of questions.
Like a lot... People always...

My friend, she was like
"Is it hard to date now?"

Is it hard to date now?
What do you mean now?

Like, what made you think
this was easy before?

You think herpes
is some new problem?

Like, my personality much
bigger problem than herpes.

Herpes is like number eighteen on
the list of fuckin' things in the way.

What, do you think
it's uncomfortable?

Oh, you think it's
an uncomfortable conversation?

Listen, if I'm dating someone
and they think that's uncomfortable

wait till I deconstruct your
sense of self so I feel superior.

That's way more uncomfortable.

Wait till she hears my fucked-up
perspective on shit.

Look, any girl in the world would
rather hear her boyfriend say

"Hey, I have HSV-two"

"Hey you know, nine-eleven was
just occupy Wall Street done right."

That's way more uncomfortable
than a very treatable STD

that everyone
already kind of has anyway.

Is dating hard?
I don't know.

Depends who you are.

I don't like the first date.
The first date is like, I don't like it.

I don't like hangin' out
with strangers.

It's like two hours
with a stranger.

I don't drink either
so it's like what do you do?

I go to dinner.

That's what I do.

It's too much pressure
on the first date.


It's just you and a menu
and this person.

Good luck.

Just sittin' there
in your little section.

You gotta make small talk
off the menu.

She's like "Oh, what should I get?"
It's like, I don't care.

I don't love you.


Oh, they got glazed carrots

Let's get 'em!

Roasted Brussels sprouts.
Yeah, great.

We're gettin'
roasted Brussels sprouts.

Remember when we were kids
Brussels sprouts

were like the worst thing
and now we all, like, love 'em?

We're all fuckin' sellouts.

I don't wanna date someone
I don't love.

I wanna date someone I love.

That's the move.

You wanna date
someone you love!

Who do I love?
Not a lotta people.

I guess where all that
Freudian shit comes from

'cause it's like
yeah, your mom is the best option.

Like on a love level...
I know it's weird and gross

We don't do it, but, like,
wouldn't it be awesome if we did?

Like, imagine a universe
where that was totally the deal.

Like, that's a better universe.

It's a better... Like just come out
of the womb day one

like, "Found her."
Like, that's better.

I don't need to fuck with strangers
I got the oxytocin queen right here.

I guess that's why the mom
sits up front at the wedding

cause it's like "Well, it would've
been you but blech"

"so I had to go find
someone I never knew."

"I had to turn a stranger
into the love of my life."

On a love level though, like,
who do I love more than my mom?


Who does she love more than me?

It is right there.

It's like we both love each other
more than anything

let's figure this out.
We can't figure this out?

There's no permutation
where this can fuckin' work?

It's frustrating.
She's single too, not that it matters

but it's like, she's single, I'm not
saying, like, "Oh I have a chance"

I'm like, she, my mom, is single.

She's, like, alone.
I don't want my mom to be alone.

I want my... I want her to be
with someone that she's into.

And I'm not saying, like
"Oh, my mom is into me"

but if we were not
related she would be.

Like, in another universe
I would be her type.

And I know it's weird to think
but to be fair

I only think that
because she told me that

so don't shoot the messenger.

She's like
"Oh, you would so be my type."

And I'm like, "Well, what
do you want me to do with that?"

"Yeah, I wish I could.
I would love to."

"I would love to give you me.
That would make me so happy."

"For you to be
with a guy who loves you"

"who is so far out of your league."

That would be nice.
And I am outta my mom's league.

I'm not saying that arrogantly

I don't think I'm like
the best looking person.

I just know I would
never consider sleeping

with a sixty-one year old woman
who looked like that

unless she were my mom.

Like, that's her only in.

I'd have to really give a shit
about how happy it made her.

Like, random sixty-year-old lady,
get the fuck outta here!

But my mom, it's like...

Well, yeah
I want my mom to get fucked.

You want your mom to get fucked.

You just don't wanna know when.

But I wanna know that
it's happening for sure

I just don't wanna
know when it hap...

I just I don't her to
like, walk out of her bedroom, like...

Like I don't want that moment.

But I wanna know
that it is happening

and what better way to now that
something's happening for sure

than to just do it yourself.

And that's what I'm saying
is I wish I could guarantee for her

what I know she deserves.

For her.
It's not even for me.

I don't win this, she wins. Right?

Because any reasonable
person would admit

you would rather fuck
your kid than your parent.

That's not controversial.
That's not controversial.

That is... You would rather
fuck your kid than your parent.

For sure. People try to fuck
their kids all the time.

Nobody tries to fuck their parents.

You never read that in the news
like a ring of parent fuckers

was broken up by the FBI

in a sting operation.

Uh, parent
fucking is rampant in Hollywood

and Washington
and the music business and...

Anyway, my point is I don't think
anyone gives a shit

about the herpes anymore.

- "Hey"
- Hey

Why are you still up?

Why are you still up?
It's my bedtime.

- "Yeah."
- You've been out?

- "Kind of. What..."
- You're drunk and I'm asleep.

"Define out."

I don't know, like out.

"I got a falafel with a friend."

- You got a falafel?
- "Is that out?"


Do you have, like bits
of falafel in your mouth?

- I always have like have like...
- "Right now?"

Like, I don't really get falafel. It's
just like... like eating, like, dust.

"It's a little chalky, I admit that."

It's so dry. I just don't understand
the falafel obsession.

"Yeah, I don't know if it's
an obsession as much as it is..."

- "It was open."
- Oh, right.

"I'm obsessed with places
that are open."

Do you ever, like, um, order
something on delivery

and then you're like
you go past it in the day

and you're, like,
"What the fuck?"

Like, "I would never order
from that place?"

Or, like, "I'd never go
into that place and eat."

"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
'cause it... It has the..."

- 'Cause it's disgusting.
- "Right."

"On the internet it's only
the number of stars."


"And, so, they're
like, okay, four-star..."

"star rating on restaurants"

"is, like, the only time
I trust random people in the world."

"Like, Oh, four and a half stars
like, then it has to be good."

"But it's like these are
the same people who...''

''are on trains and vote."

Are you one of those people
who like, always

has to look up the restaurant
before you go and see if it's nice?

- "I... yeah. I'm... I'm..."
- I can tell.

"I'm a four and a half star
or above."

Why do you look so scrumptious?

- "I look scrunched up right now?"
- You look scrummy.

- "What does that mean?"
- Like if I was there right now

- I'd snog you.
- "Scrummy?"

Yeah, like scrumptious.

"Oh, I see. Is this a good thing?"

- Yeah.
- "Okay."

Yeah, like I wanna snig...
Snig you no snog you

Snog and a kiss...
No, what's a snig?

A snog and a kiss is a snigu.

- "All right."
- I mean, I'm really tired.

"These are... these are
all new expressions to me."

No, I just...
I think I'm weird jet lag.

I also came home
and my brother...

- has done something to the toilet.
- "What did he do?"

He's been staying
here when I went away...

I don't know, but it's making
a weird noise.

And when we were kids, like
every time we go on holiday

we just... Like my mom would
have to get, um, a coat hanger

and put it on the toilet
because it... They're just so long.

"She'd have to use a coat hanger
for the toilet?"

A coat hanger, yeah, or like a piece
of bamboo if we're on holiday.

And I know he's done something
to it, and he...

"Where's bamboo
readily available?"

It's not.
It's not here.

- "Where do you have to go?"
- It's tracking it down.

How is your mom?"

- My mom?
- "Yeah."

- She's good.
- "Was it good seeing her?"

Yeah, I went round for dinner.

- They've just moved house.
- "Did they?"

- Yeah. My dad's having...
- "Oh, right."

like a bit of a mid-life crisis 'cause
they've moved to a smaller house.

"Yeah, you were saying something
about that with the moving."

- Yeah.
- "So he's... He's freaking out?"

He's freaking out 'cause he doesn't
have, like, what... He doesn't, yeah

It's a smaller house.
And he thinks he's like getting old

and he's gonna die
in a small house.

- "Well, he is, I mean, I don't know."
- I don't know

It's like, I don't know, it's like
a thing, it's like, I don't know

it's like he's giving up.
But he's buying it... I don't know.

- They're getting another one.
- "He's giving up?"

This is all.
He's just an idiot.

Yeah. He's not an idiot
but it's just stupid stuff to...

- "Right."
- Worry about.

Yeah, I think about that, like, I...

"You know, you look
at people who are, like..."

"in the mid-life age
you know, and you go like..."

"Ah, that looks like it sucks."

"And you're like,
Wait, that's next."

Yeah, maybe for you, not for me.

- "Well, I mean it's next..."
- I'm a young little spring chicken.

"Yeah, but that ends."

Whatever. No.
I was thinking that, like...

Am I gonna get to a certain age
where no one fancies me anymore

and then I was just, like, no.

"You say no?"

I don't think...
I don't think it's gonna happen.

- "That's because you're young."
- No, but I think, like...

- "That's a young thing to think."
- No, no, but, like, even...

No, like, I don't know.

I was just thinking, like
I'm sure someone will be up for it

- when I'm, like, forty.
- "No, totally. But then..."

"But just the selection
of people gets weirder."

- No, they don't.
- "I think it does."


I have a hard time with intimacy.

I have, like, intimacy issues.

Any time I get into, like
an intimate moment

I feel like just...

I gotta get the fuck outta there.

"It's just a feeling any time
I see vulnerability"

I gotta get the fuck outta there.

And your brain is really good
at justifying how you feel

so if you feel like you gotta
leave a situation

then your brain will find reasons
why you should.

So it'll come back with all
this intel, like reasons to leave.

And it's hard to know if those are
like legitimate red flags

or just you justifying
some weird insecurity.

It's hard to... To discern
between the two

"and that's where I think therapy
can be helpful."

Therapy kinda helps you like

unmask your phobia.
Like, any phobia you're having

therapy kinda gets
like underneath it.

Therapy, to me, is kinda like
the last scene of Scooby Doo.

That last sce... every episode
of Scooby Doo is the same

The whole episode they're like
"Ah, it's a ghost!"

And they take the mask off
they're like...

"Oh, it's the guy who owns
the bakery," or whatever.

That's what I think therapy
does for...

For your emotions.

You're in a relationship
and you're like...

I don't know, she's a little boring
and therapy is like...

You're like, "Oh, my parents never
showed me what love looked like."

"I thought she was
bad at telling stories."

Turns out I have no foundation.

I'm broken irreparably
from the inside.

"I'm flying blind without a map."

I'm replicating a power dynamic
instead of reciprocity.

Silly me.

I thought she used the wrong form
of ''you're'' in a text message.

Turns out I downloaded
my sexual identity from movies.

You ever do that?
You ever think you're a person

"and you're actually
an amalgamation of projections"

"you've absorbed
over thirty-two years?"

That is brutal.

I do think that there's like a weird
impact, that, like, movies can have.

Maybe it just exacerbates

I don't like when I get into that

when I'm, like
tricked by superficial shit

Like I...

Even when I'm not like,
attracted to somebody I'm, like...

What's goin' on?

When I'm attracted to someone
I'm, like, "Oh, nice face."

And then I'm gonna, what, overrate
the ideas that come out of it?

Right? 'Cause, like
the face and the body

that's just
like, the marketing team of the self.

And when I'm attracted to that
I'm being, like, tricked.

I feel like I'm being tricked.

Like, I'm on the phone at four
in the morning with an infomercial

Like, Hey, I saw your thing.
I'd like to b... It's...

Wait till you see the thing!

But you can't see the thing.

You can't see the thing

You have to... It's the... You just
see the face and the body.

What's the personality like?
That's way more important.

But that takes time, it takes
patience, it takes energy

it takes focus to notice.

The face is right there.

Maybe the personality's fucked up.

I think if you have
a fucked up personality

you should have a fucked up face.

I don't think you should
get to have it the other way.

Like, when I look at your face
I don't wanna see flesh.

I wanna see, like, nine months
living in a one bedroom apartment

with you, like, here.

Like that's what...
That's what this should be.

All this shit. Hair.

I don't wanna see hair.

What is hair?

"Oh, you have nice hair."
Who gives a shit? Hair?

Hair is protein that arbitrarily grows
out of your head against your will.

And you have nice that?

It's an aesthetic thing.

If something is gonna grow out of
your head I don't wanna see hair

I wanna see like, long flowing locks
of your ability to keep a secret.

That's what should
come outta your head.

That way someone flips it back
"Oh, I can trust that person."

And we can continue not trusting
bald people like we normally do

except we wouldn't be superficial
shitheads for it, we'd be right.

Yeah, I can't trust that dude.

He has... He doesn't have
the secret-keeping substance

coming out of his skull.

Fuck that bald asshole!
And you'd be right!

That would be a legitimate
thing to say

as opposed to a low-key
hate crime like it is now.

You can't call
someone a bald asshole.

I didn't pick that.

There's all sorts of things I can do
to become more attractive, too.

I can, like, make myself
more attractive.

I can work out, I can get in shape.

That would make me more

I can get abs, people would be
more attracted to me

which is weird because all abs
mean is I did this a lot.

Like, that's literally all it means
is I tricked my body

into thinking
it was building a house.

Like, that's what abs are
it's an exploitation

of an evolutionary glitch.

People go,
"Oh, he did this a lot."

He'll make a great date.

Like, how?
How does that track?

You should only be able to get abs
by doing something good.

Like, you should have to...
In order to get a...

You should have to like help
the elderly, that would make sense

Like, you help an old lady cross
the street and get ripped

Like, okay, yeah, sure, I buy that.

That way you see a guy on
the beach with washboard abs

you can be like
"Oh, well he loves his grandma"

Like, you would know
something about him other

than he did this a lot after work
four times a week.

He did the side-to-side
one probably.

Look at that.

He probably used a medicine ball.

What a cool guy!
It's fucking stupid.

But we are attracted
to these things.

We're attracted to, you know,
what we're attracted to

and as a society when we are
all attracted to certain things

we create this, like
external value system

and when you live inside of that
you internalize that as your own.

So, you feel a sense
of internal pride or shame

based on how closely you correlate
to that... That value system.

So, people get fucked up
about how they look

that's well documented.
People also get...

It's weird like, people take pride

like, there's a weird
pride people take

in how they loo Like, there's men
who take, like pri...

They have, like, dick pride
like pride in their di... Like...

My fuckin' dick!
Like, they talk about their dick

like it's a son that graduated
from Harvard.

Like, where's the pride...

My fuckin' dick!

Oh, my bi- it's not even my dick.
I'm its body.

Like what are you talk...

My fuckin' dick.

My big-ass di...
It's like, "So?"

How'd you get it?

It's like,
"Dude it just showed up!"

Your dick should only be
as big as your heart.

And it should only be as girthy
as your capacity for change.

That way you see a fat dick
you go...

"Oh, that's a spiritually
open malleable human being."

You sit on a fat dick
I can feel his open mindedness

stretching me out.

That desire he has to transcend
his past mistakes.

It feels good.

It makes me feel full.

I'm attracted to things
I'm attracted to... Eyes.

I like eyes.

I'm attracted to eyes.
Not, like, in a bag

but, like, on a head. Eyes.
I like my eyes on heads.

Two eyes for every one head.
That's the ratio that I like.

You can have whatever ratio
you want.

I like eyes.
But even that's weird.

I like the eye, but then it's like...

"Oh, now I wanna
like, fuck you. Why?"

"'Cause you have nice eyes?"
That's a weird leap to make.

To go, like
"Oh, yeah, these eyes are cool."

"Let's fuck the other..."
This other part of you.

It's not even the same... It's not
even on the same part of the body.

It's a different part.

The vagina. And
it's like I like it, but it's like...

I just it doesn't tell me anything
about you.

I don't know you.
I don't know wha...

You know what I mean?
Like the vagin... Like the...

I don't wanna fuck a vagina.

I would much rather fuck like
a warm, wet sense of discipline.

Like, I wanna go down
on your long-term focus.

I wanna... I wanna eat out
your determination.

I wanna make
your perseverance squirt.

That's a much more
appealing activity.

I wanna shove my personality
into your determination

and then reach around
and tickle your integrity

like, that's kind of the world
I wanna live in.

I just hope your integrity doesn't
include your ability to keep a secret

because that is a phobia of mine.

I'm not a perfect person.

It's all fear.

I mean, all this shit... All this shit
I talk about, it's all fear.

It comes from a...

Deep rooted sense of fear.
I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to get close
to somebody.

I'm afraid to lose the person
I get close to.

"I'm afraid they can hurt me
in a way that no one else can."

"Why do you look
so scrumptious?"

- "I look scrunched up right now?"
- You're scrummy.

- "What does that mean?"
- Like, if I was there right now

I'd snog you.

I'm afraid that if I let someone
in past the walls

that I've built up for myself
that they'll...

See parts of myself
that I haven't accepted

or I don't like, or parts of me
that are fucked up, or flawed

or broken, or weird, or wrong
or inadequate or boring.

Parts of myself that
are missing, like...

Where's that part
of your personality?

Like, I don't know.

Maybe it'll show me
a part of myself that I haven't...

That I haven't even looked at...
It's all fear.

And so I push people away.

And it's not in, like, fun ways.
It's not like...

I'm not like I'm rolling them down
the sidewalk in an office chair.

Sometimes it's harsh.

And, you know, this is something
I have to reckon with.

But it's just because
I'm afraid of the alternative.

"And so what do you
do about it?"

I just try to be honest.

"That might be the funniest thing
you've ever said."

You think this is honest?

Honesty's, like, it's being open
and being vulnerable.

It's not just standing in front
of everyone and telling them

that you fucking suck.
Fuck off, dude!

Like get the fuck over yourself.

It's fuckin' boring.
Like we all feel this shit.

It's, like, we don't need a fuckin'
whole big song and dance about it.

You've constructed this whole
elaborate way to never change.

And they're not even jokes
it's not even fucking jokes.

It's just you talking
about your problem.

Where is the funny in this?

Show me.
None of the...

Like none of this has been funny.

None of this has been funny!

It's just been you masturbating up
here the enti...

It's just been watching
you jerk yourself off.

And I'm really sick of it.

I know you think that
there's somebody out there

you're helping them

and someone's gonna be able
to connect to your problems

and maybe they will

but that's not
why you do it, is it?

It's... You do it for their validation.

And the more you get,
the better it feels.

It's the same dynamic
as in all of your relationships.

You just come in here, you say
whatever the fuck you want

and then you leave
like a fuckin' pussy!

Subtitled by: Image Production House