Dragnet (1987) - full transcript

- This is the city, Los
Angeles, California,

465 square miles of constantly
interfacing humanity,

representing every race,

color,

creed, and persuasion,

that God.

No matter how he is worshiped,

chose in his infinite
wisdom to deposit here,

in the cultural nexus of the Pacific Rim,

almost four million
people work and play here,

and like any other place, anywhere,



there are those who have it,

and those who want it.

Those who have it, enjoy it,

no matter how they got it.

Those who want it, can
get it by attempting

to better themselves in a
sympathetic community populated

by decent citizens cheering them on.

or they can try to take it the easy way,

because even in the City of
Angels, from time to time,

some halos slip.

That's where I come in,
doing my job to the best

of my ability on a daily basis.

I work here.

I carry a badge.



(dramatic music)

(drum beats)

(dramatic music)

[Computer Voice] Dragnet.

(upbeat music)

♪ Police police police officers ma'am ♪

♪ Their job, their job ♪

♪ To enforce the laws,
to enforce the laws ♪

♪ Their job to enforce the laws ♪

♪ Enforce enforce the laws ♪

♪ To enforce the laws ♪

♪ Their job to enforce the laws ♪

♪ Just the facts ma'am,
just the facts ma'am ♪

♪ D-D-D-Dragnet ♪

♪ Enforce the laws, enforce the laws ♪

♪ Dragnet dragnet dragnet ♪

♪ Their job to enforce the laws ♪

♪ To enforce the laws,
to enforce the laws ♪

♪ Police officers ma'am ♪

♪ Just the facts ma'am ♪

♪ Just the facts ma'am ♪

♪ Just just just just ♪

♪ To enforce the laws ♪

♪ My name's Friday ♪

♪ My name's Friday, to enforce the laws ♪

♪ Their job to enforce the laws ♪

♪ And preserve the safety
of decent citizens ♪

♪ Dragnet dragnet dragnet ♪

[Narrator] Ladies and gentlemen,

the story you are about to see is true.

The names have been changed
to protect the innocent.

For example, George Baker
is now called Sylvia Wiss.

(suspenseful music)
(quiet talking)

Hey, who called the fire department?

What the hell is goin' on here?

Hey, Chief, where's the fire?

(boom)

See the fire?

I see the fire, I see the fire.

Good, when you wake up,

tell Jerry Caesar he's outta business.

(thud)

It was Wednesday, January 7th.

A cool day in Los Angeles
with 15 mile an hour

westerly winds and light
scattered clouds at 3,000 feet.

I was working day watch
out of Robbery Homicide

at the same desk my late Uncle
Joe occupied when he served

with the department 20 years ago.

Many aspects of the peace
officer's routine have changed

since my Uncle Joe's time.

Now there are new
methods, new philosophies,

new equipment.

The standard service revolver
and simple lead sap have

given way to taser guns
and anodized metal batons.

But there's one thing that never changes,

the face of crime.

It just gets bigger and
badder and uglier every day.

My partner's name is Frank Smith.

The boss is Captain Gannon.

My name's Friday.

Joe.

Captain.

Frank's late, must've
been held up in traffic.

Frank won't be coming in today, Joe.

24-hour virus?

Or tomorrow.

- 48?
- Frank quit.

Bought a goat farm, moved to Ukiah,

left you this note.

He was too broken up to talk about it.

Said he knew you'd understand.

Every man has a dream to chase.

Frank's was that goat farm.

Sure, Captain, I understand.

But tell me something.

Yeah?

Those 3.6 million citizens out there,

the ones who expected him to
be on the job this morning,

will they understand?

8:47 a.m., Captain Gannon had assigned me

to investigate the
so-called P.A.G.A.N. robberies,

a pattern of serial crimes,

which had occurred throughout the city.

They'd seemed merely irritating at first,

but were quickly gaining
notoriety through their growing

frequency and naked brazenness.

I was to contact my new partner

at the Central Receiving Lot.

A less experienced peace officer
might have been concerned

he was getting pot luck,

but I knew that any detective
the department had to offer me

was automatically worthy of my respect.

(thunk)

Say, Sergeant Friday?

Who wants to know?

I'm Pep Streebeck.

I'm your new partner.

- Not lookin' like that
you aren't, mister.

Oh really, what's that s'posed to mean?

- It means I don't care what
undercover rock you crawled

out from, there's a
dress code for detectives

in Robbery Homicide,

section three dash
605.10.20.22.24.26.50.70.80.

It specifies clean shirt, short hair, tie,

pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit,

and leather shoes, preferably
with a high shine on them.

9:05 a.m., Streebeck's unauthorized
outfit and facial growth

were history, and for the
first time in 12 years,

I rolled into traffic with
a new partner at my side.

Detective Pep Streebeck, male, Caucasian,

six feet, 165 pounds,
no distinguishing scars.

He had an extensive
list of merit citations,

which was tainted by his total disregard

for departmental procedure.

He pictured himself as some
hipster, free-bird cop,

but his wings were about to be clipped,

because now he was going
to play the detective game

by my rules.

(honking)

- You know, Friday,
we're allowed to go 55.

on some occasions, even faster.

- I'm well aware of the
federally mandated speed limit,

Streebeck, but did it ever
occur to you that by going

eight miles an hour slower,
we might save some gasoline

and ease the burden on the
poor taxpayers out there

who pay our salaries?

- Friday, a little extra
gas isn't gonna put the city

in hock, besides this looks bad.

Come on, live a little.

It's the vertical pedal
on the right there.

- 9:47 a.m., we arrived
at the Griffith Park Zoo,

Los Angeles' primary
habitat for wild animals,

now sustained in dignified
natural captivity.

An adult male lion and a
security guard had been

tranquilized with a dart gun,

and subsequent robberies had occurred.

You know, Streebeck, these
animals have it pretty good;

simulated surroundings,
three squares a day.

I'll bet if these creatures could talk,

they'd give the citizens of
this city a big vote of thanks.

- Friday, these animals
were trapped and stunned

and roped and crated and
shipped, dropped into cages.

You think they were out
in the wild forming lines

jockeying for positions
saying, take me, take me.

I wanna live on damn cement.

- Well, let's just say when
I look in their eyes, mister,

I get a different message,
and we'll leave it at that.

Are you gentlemen the police?

Ma'am, Friday, Streebeck, robbery.

You have some P.A.G.A.N.
cards for us, do you?

Yeah.

Three of them, left in separate cages.

Let me show you where I found them.

This is Ben, our boa constrictor.

Now the missing giant
anaconda was still here

last night at 8:30.

I know because that's when
it gets its final feeding.

Well actually, it's not
always its final feeding.

Sometimes it hides a
little snack for later.

Just the facts if you don't mind, ma'am.

What exactly does a
Central Bolivian anaconda

choose to feed on?

It eats whole, live groundhogs.

- You skip breakfast this
morning did you, Friday?

Whoever stole it's got to feed it, bub.

We also seem to be missing one of these.

- Uh huh. Ma'am, what is
the approximate dry weight

of the average Madagascar fruit tree bat?

You mean you don't know?

- Now this is the one
I understand the least.

(growls)

- Somebody musta wanted
that lion's mane pretty bad

to pull a twisted stunt like that.

- Although, as mohawks
go, it's not that bad.

It'll grow back.

- Yeah, and how do you tell
that to these kids here

who've never seen a lion
before, and now probably won't

have the desire to ever see one again?

Kids, it'll grow back.

[Kids] Yay!

- 10:35 a.m., arsonists posing
as Los Angeles city firemen

had left a P.A.G.A.N.
card in the charred ruins

of a downtown warehouse.

We were advised to contact the owner

of the stolen merchandise,
soft core porno lord,

Jerry Caesar, at his
notorious pleasure compound

in the coveted Bel Air
section of the city.

(honks)

Oh, thank God, vibrator repair.

- No, ma'am, Los Angeles
Police Department, sorry.

(jazzy music)

It's enough to churn your
guts, isn't it, Streebeck?

- What, you mean this girl
pruning this bush with her...

- That a slut peddler like
Jerry Caesar can build

a modern day Gomorrah
smack dab in the middle

of the same city where they
recorded We Are the World.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Ah, don't get too friendly.

Hi, can I help you?

Police officers, ma'am, LAPD Robbery.

I'm Friday, this is Detective...

- April.
- That's right.

She was a Bait Mate.

Bait Magazine, they have one every month,

and she was featured...

- I get the hang of it,
Streebeck, in the April issue.

No, Mr. Silly, February.

My name is April.

Alright, now don't tell me now.

Your favorite movies
are The Sound of Music

and Yes, Giorgio.

You love to go bobbing for apples.

Your major turn-offs are anchovies,

people who don't use coasters,

and uh...

And men who smoke in public places.

Come on, let's go meet Jerry.

(seductive music)

There's Jerry right over there.

- I'm gonna have a
place like this someday.

Dream on, Streebeck, dream on.

Yeah, it's about time.

I called you cops three hours ago.

Yes, sir, my name's Friday.

This is Detective Streebeck.

Could you please describe what's missing.

- Well, how 'bout the entire
run, every single copy,

of our 25th anniversary
double issue of Bait.

- Bait.
- Yeah,

it's his skin magazine.

You say.

The intelligent subscriber regards it

as a politically-oriented
socially-impacted monthly.

I'm not gonna allow a gang of
cement heads to intimidate me

just because I refuse to
publish their stupid manifesto.

- Would you care to tell
us a little bit about that?

Well here, read it for yourself.

- Manifesto of the International
Brotherhood of P.A.G.A.N.s.

We believe that bad sex and
good drugs are the cornerstones

of the great democracy.

The peak of pornography...

- I think we get the
general idea, Streebeck.

- My publishing company
is not a private platform

for any bunch of yahoos
that just come along.

I don't care how many copies they buy.

Just 'cause they got
First Amendment rights,

that doesn't mean I have
to publish their junk.

I've got First Amendment rights too.

Look 'em up, Friday.

I don't have to look 'em up, mister,

I can quote 'em to ya.

Anyhow, how much do you
figure a monthly run of your

magazine is worth?

- Well, let's just say it's
more money than you'll ever

see in your life.

And I do that every month.

At least my money's clean.

Well I'll tell you what you do, Friday,

before you go home and start
polishing your pennies.

Why don't you go out there
and get my magazines back

on the stand where they belong.

- Listen, hotshot, I'm gonna
tell you something right now.

I don't care for you or
for the putrid sludge

you're troweling out, but
until they change the laws

to put you sleaze kings outta business,

my job's to help you get
back your stench-ridden boxes

of smut, and since I'm gonna
be doing it holding my nose,

I'll be doing it with one hand.

Excuse me.

Jerry, it's time for
your collagen treatment.

And don't forget, you're having
your pores sucked at three.

Thank you, Sylvia.

Well, boys, as you can
see, I got my work to do.

Why don't you get the hell
outta here and do yours.

You have very strong hands.

Hey, Sy- wha...

Sylvia Wiss, wow.

(laughs) Why, yes, that's me.

- They oughta transfer you to
missing persons, Streebeck,

you know everybody.

Friday, don't you read the papers?

This Saturday's Bait Magazines
25th anniversary party.

Caesar is reuniting all
of his former Bait Mates.

Miss Sylvia Wiss right here,

was the very first Bait Mate ever.

Fascinating.

- Sergeant, if I asked your
honest opinion about something,

would I get it?

You can bet the house on it.

- Would you say that these
look like the breasts

of a 43 year old woman?

No, no they don't, Miss Wiss.

They're quite impressive.

Bordering on spectacular.

We have to be running along now.

What's your hurry, Sergeant?

Wouldn't you like to have an early lunch?

- Uh, listen, say, Joe, you
know, it's the darndest thing.

I seem to have, uh, left
my notebook in the car,

and it's gonna take me 15, 20
minutes, half an hour or so

to find it.

Why don't you pump Sylvia here
privately for information,

and I'll, you know...

Nice meeting you, Miss Wiss.

I had a good time too.

Come on, Streebeck, let's go to the car

and find that notebook.

Are you crazy?

Sylvia Wiss wanted you.

- Now let me tell you
something, Streebeck.

There are two things which
clearly differentiates

the human species from animals.

one, we use cutlery.

Two, we're capable of
controlling our sexual urges.

Now you might be an exception,
but don't drag me down

into your private hell.

- You got a lot of repressed
feelings, don't ya, Friday?

Must be what keeps your hair up.

(powerful music)

What is bothering you, besides me?

I'm thinkin' about those P.A.G.A.N.s.

If all they were after was
revenge against Jerry Caesar,

I'd chalk it up to slime versus slime.

But when they start
attacking great institutions

like our city zoo,

that's when my hackles
sit up and turn red.

- You gonna lose those
red hackles altogether

you eat those chili dogs.

I can handle it.

They're the worst thing for ya.

They're filled with nitrites
and toxins and poisons,

and you're doublin' up on 'em.

Let me tell you something, mister.

Unlike you, outside of
cigarettes, I only have one vice

and a good chili dog is
it, so please pipe down

and let me enjoy my lunch in peace.

Okay.

You know the kinds of things that can fall

into an industrial sausage press,

not excluding rodent hairs, bug excrement?

I hate you, Streebeck.

(engine roars)
(tires squeal)

With the exception of you
and canned cling peaches,

I'd be hard pressed to
find anyone or anything

that doesn't know you should
never leave your car keys

in the ignition.

- It's called a mistake,
Friday, but I don't suppose

you ever make any of those, do you?

Friday, Streebeck, we got another one.

Chemical train hijack
down at the freight yards.

Damn P.A.G.A.N.s must be livin' on NoDoze.

Yes sir, Captain, we'll roll as soon as

we requisition a new...

One more thing.

Police and fire departments
all over the county have been

reporting vehicles stolen,
so keep an eye on your car.

- 1:15 p.m., after requisitioning
a replacement vehicle,

we were issued a new
Ford Escort sub-compact,

and we responded to the call
at the Bass Terminal Avenue

freight yard, Southern
California's largest rail head,

with more than a thousand
miles of track lying parallel

over two million individual ties,

hewed from the states
majestic redwood forests.

3,000 gallons of a deadly pair
of chemicals had been siphoned

individually from their
respective hijacked tanker cars.

We questioned the battered train engineer,

Señor Tito Provensal, and
then attempted to determine

the precise identification of
the two missing noxious gasses

from the owner of the chemicals
company, a Mr. Roy Grest.

Actually, trichloronitromethane

and the pseudohalogenic compound cyanogen.

- pseudohalogenic
compounds, cyanogen, uh huh.

- Oh, well they shipped
in separate containers.

When it's mixed properly
in the exact ratio,

they form a liquid fertilizer.

It's clear as water, but
you wouldn't wanna smell it.

Why's that, Roy?

- Basically, it burns the
eyes, lungs, and throat,

causes vomiting, and if
continuously inhaled, death.

Oh, sorta like your aftershave.

And now it's time to advance

with the Reverend Jonathon
Whirley, founder of M.A.M.A.,

the Moral Advanced Movement of America.

Today, Dr. Whirley's special
guest is Police Commissioner

for the city of Los Angeles,
Ms. Jane Kirkpatrick.

Dr. Whirley.

- Thank you, George, and
welcome once again to Advance.

Commissioner.

- Please Dr. Whirley,
will you call me Jane.

Only if you call me Jonathon. (laughs)

Are you seeing this guy?

What a mental fur ball.

- Just happens to be one of
my favorite shows, Streebeck.

Why don't you listen and learn.

- What a deep honor it
is for this city that you

have chosen Los Angeles
to be the new focal point

for the Moral Advance Movement of America.

Oh, it's quit simple really, Jane.

If one wishes to affect
a financial upheaval

in this country, one should
set his or her sights

on Wall Street.

If one wishes to revolutionize
the political system,

he or she would naturally
go to Washington. (chuckles)

But when dealing with pornography, filth,

crime, degradation, what better
place is there to begin with

than Los Angeles, the
current capital of depravity,

and what sadly passes
for the modern world.

- 2:15 p.m., we had been
advised to follow up on a theft

at 8823467 Magnolia Boulevard.

At this time of day, it took
us 20 minutes to get there.

Complainant was the landlady, Enid Borden.

Some P.A.G.A.N. cards had been found.

(knocks)

What the hell do you want?

Police officers, ma'am.

'Bout time you pencil dicks showed up.

Why couldn't you have got
here before that big, bad,

stupid-lookin' piece of sewage breath

stole my white weddin' dress?

Ms Borden, sewage breath would be

your little nickname for?

Muzz, Emil Muzz.

Not much of an improvement.

- That ass wipe also stiffed
me for two months rent

when his deposit check bounced.

God damn puss faced little pimp stick.

All that was left in his room
was a big box of these things.

- Any idea where this Emil
Muzz could be right now?

Friends, family?

Nah, he was a loner.

Took off in the middle of the night.

Useless scum lappin' shit bag.

Just the facts, ma'am.

He leave anything else behind?

- Yeah, tape deck, which
I had to sell to make up

for the lost rent, so there's
nothin' you can do about it,

you slimy little jizz bucket.

- Yes ma'am, although I
should point out to you that

technically you could be cited
for swearing at us like that.

Says who, flathead?

- Says the California
penal code section 314.1

covering obscene live conduct in public.

Good enough for you, lady?

- Them magazines and papers
were his down in the trash.

No checks or money, I looked.

I shoulda thrown it all in
the river the day he left,

but unlike some people, I
have a heart God dammit.

That miserable little bag of puke.

I think we're finished here,

don't you Detective Streebeck?

- Hey, didn't she say that
she threw some of his stuff

in the trash?

Uh huh, there it goes, let's roll.

- Boy am I glad I got transferred
into Robbery and Homicide.

You can almost reach out
and touch the tension.

Hey, what the hell was that?

It has its days.

Yeah, like today, sitting in a park,

getting eaten by ducks, sifting
through somebody's garbage.

Hello, photograph of
some people, kinda faded.

Maybe one of them's Muzz.

We couldn't be that lucky.

Hey, phone number on the back.

Think that could mean something?

- There's only one way to
find out now, isn't there?

It's for you.

It's the president.

It's ringing.

- [Woman on Phone] Good
afternoon, Caesar residence.

Bingo.

[Woman on Phone] Hello, may I help you?

[Friday] Emil Muzz please.

- [Woman on Phone] He's
not here right now.

- [Friday] This is
Detective Sergeant Friday,

Los Angeles Police, ma'am.

Could you tell us where he is?

It's quite important.

- [Woman on Phone] Well, since
he's Mr. Caesar's driver,

and Mr. Caesar's out
sailing on his yacht...

- That's it, the limousine
from the mansion.

Yeah, and that's Emil Muzz.

Let's check Enid Borden's description.

Well, big, bad, stupid lookin'.

An exact match.

(purposeful music)

Police officers, Emil Muzz.

(snores)

(honks)

(grunts)

- We need to ask you
a few questions, Emil.

Blow it out your pants, cop.

- Oh good, Muzz, give
yourself a hard time.

(engine roars)

(tires squeal)

I'll drive, I'll drive.

(fast paced music)

(laughs)

What are you doing?

Calling for backup.

- Why?
- Because there's

specific departmental regulations
for high-speed pursuit,

mister, and we're gonna
follow every last one.

Forget it, Friday, this is our collar.

[Friday] our collar, huh?

[Streebeck] I think so.

- Well just let me tell you
something, Mr. Lone Wolf,

the dedicated men and women
of the Los Angeles Police

Department comprise one big family,

from my brother the traffic cop,

to my sister the meter
maid, and when one of us

makes a collar, we all make a collar.

- Friday, are you on
any special medication

that as your partner I
should be made aware of?

- Two king 14, two king 14,
I am requesting a backup...

Oh no.

(crash)

(tires screech)

(crash)

Look out!

(thud)

Look out, Muppets.

(crash)
(screams)

Reckless endangerment of human life,

willful disregard of private property,

failure to signal for a safe lane change.

- Yeah, he's really racking
up the violations, isn't he?

Not him, you.

This is your one-way ticket
back to civilian life,

Mr. I like to throw the
book out the window.

That's a good idea.

(upbeat music)

Hey, Joe, you ever been to Hawaii?

(screams)
(crash)

Look out!

(thuds)

Surf's up, beach boy, but not for you.

You'll be hangin' ten downtown.

Read him his rights.

Emil Muzz, guess what?

You are under arrest.

Sit down unless you're growing.

- Look, Muzz, we've got
you on 87 violations

of the motor vehicle code.

It's only a matter of time
before we tie you into one

of those P.A.G.A.N. jobs,
not to mention the fact

that you stole your
landlady's wedding dress,

which so far is the only
endearing thing about you.

So why don't you talk to us?

(spits)

Listen, you public pawn.

My attorney's on his way, and we both know

I'll be outta here in 20 minutes on bail.

So take off these cuffs and open the door.

I wouldn't worry about the door, Muzz.

The kind of scum who'd represent you would

just ooze right under it.

- Look, Joe, why don't you go
get a coupla cups of coffee.

I know I could use one.

You want anything, Muzz?

Chewing gum, a snickers bar,

and my attorney, badge kisser.

Well, Emil.

I guess it's just you and me

and your balls in this drawer.

(bangs)

(bangs)
(screams)

(bang)
(scream)

(scream)

- 4:15 p.m., by the time
I'd returned with coffee,

Muzz was singing like Beverly Sills.

He had been planning to
attend a meeting that night

at the P.A.G.A.N. clubhouse
of which he was a member.

But he refused to divulge
the time or location

of that meeting.

Okay, Muzz, let's run through it again.

You say you're a P.A.G.A.N.,
but we found you workin'

for Jerry Caesar, that makes
you a plant in my book.

Why don't you make it easy
on yourself and lead us

to the stolen magazines.

Jump on this and spin, cop.

I'm not sayin' another word
until my attorney gets here.

- Say, Joe, wouldn't a
couple of danishes go great

with this coffee right now?

- [Friday] At 7:13 p.m.,
Captain Gannon authorized us

to stake out Muzz's clubhouse located

in the ecologically balanced
San Gabriel Mountains.

When a code five authorization
for undercover surveillance

is approved, officers proceed
to the central facilities

building where the department
has an impressive body

of research on the
precise behavior and dress

of today's average street gang member.

- You know, Friday, I think
we finally found your look.

[Friday] 9:56 p.m., we were issued

appropriate surveillance
apparel and withdrew from

central receiving one distressed
1985 unmarked Ford sedan.

Yeah, it's right up here.

It's just off Highway 61.

Yeah, probably some rat hole roadhouse

where they sit around watching
TV and suck beers all day.

(siren)

Uh oh, highway patrol.

And they're pulling us over.

(siren)

[Officer] License and registration.

What was the offense, officer?

- [Second Officer] It's
okay, Floyd, they're P.A.G.A.N.s.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Show 'em your card, Muzz, Emil.

- Yeah, yeah that's right,
that's me, Muzz, Emil.

Emil Muzz.

I been sick. (coughs)

Sorry to bother you, fellas.

We can't be too careful though, huh?

We don't want any
non-P.A.G.A.N.s around here,

especially tonight, right?

Huh? (laughs)

(Friday laughs)

- Follow us, fellas, the
party's just starting.

(laughs)

Bogus cops.

No matter how many times I
see that little maneuver,

it never ceases to disgust me.

- You mean people dressing
up in strange clothes,

pretending to be who they're not?

Exactly, that kind of behavior...

Just get out that list of
stolen black and whites.

(officers laughing)

99974, oh yeah, it's hot alright.

Yeah.

- Howdy, I'm Emil Muzz,
and I'm a P.A.G.A.N.. (laughs)

(rock music)

Good evening, P.A.G.A.N.s.

Don't forget your goat leggings.

- Must be every other
stolen police vehicle

on our hot sheet.

We're definitely onto something here.

Ya think so?

I see school is out.

- Yeah, right now all I can
think of is 38 little kids

standing individually
on lonely street corners

waiting for a bus that will never come.

- Friday, put your goat
leggings on and try to blend in.

(dog sounds)

Put it to sleep, Streebeck.

Down boys.

(zaps)

- You have to admire their
techniques in crowd control.

Yeah, cozy little group, eh.

Just like your local Rotarians.

- Hey listen, we get a
little wild at times, sure.

But nothing like this.

(yelling)
(loud music)

I'd say this is shaping up
to be a little more than

just a series of simple robberies.

People against goodness and normalcy.

P- A-G-A-N, P.A.G.A.N..

Nice work, Joe.

Ah, here are two who have not yet sipped

the nectar of Shaitan.

- A small surprise before
the ceremony starts.

[Streebeck] Why not.

- You?
- I had a big lunch.

(rock music)

(horn blares)

- I, your high priest, of
living P.A.G.A.N. perfection,

do call the name Gathool.

[Crowd] Do call the name Gathool.

Eelbazel,

Ignodrohoth,

Shaitan.

[Crowd] Shaitan, Shaitan, Shaitan.

Prepare the virgin.

(cheers)

Prepare the virgin?

I don't like the sound of that.

- Let's just hope they're
not referring to you.

With this bat, I do consecrate.

- [Crowd] With this
bat, he does consecrate.

- The Madagascar fruit
tree bat from the zoo.

Good eye.

With this lion's mane

I do consecrate.

- [Crowd] With this lion's
mane he does consecrate.

- Now all that's missing
is one humongous 30 foot

groundhog gulping reptile.

For the final touch to our brew tonight,

a pristine virgin in a gown of white.

(cheers)

Evil bringeth hear our plea.

She's as pure as she can be.

White and clean as driven snow.

From Orange County, here we go.

(cheers)

- Two to one, that's Enid
Borden's wedding dress.

- 20 to one, Enid Borden
never looked that beautiful

on her wedding day.

[Crowd] Virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin.

(screams)

(splash)

- Friday!
- Let's move.

Help!

Can you swim?

- Red Cross, Junior
Lifesaver with clusters, bub.

Silly me.

(splash)

Friday!
- Streebeck?

I found the snake.

Help, help, help.

Hang in there, miss, I'm coming.

What the hell goes on down there?

Who are those two clowns?

Who are you?

- Friday, Streebeck, Los
Angeles police offic...

(coughs)

Where you from, miss?

Anaheim.

Her favorite color is blue.

Jesus Christ I'm about to be eaten here.

(cheers)

- Some big guys grabbed me
off the street last night.

Were you sexually assaulted?

No, thank God, they needed a virgin.

You're still a virgin?

My hat's off to you, ma'am.

Hope you stay that way.

Streebeck, quick, do
something, it's constricting.

Distract it.

(chokes)

Anybody need some boots?

- They're heading to
the top! Stop them! Go!

(dramatic music)

(crowd chants) Kill
the good, kill the good

kill the good, kill the good,

kill the good, kill the
good, kill the good,

kill the good, kill the good,

kill the good, kill the
good, kill the good.

You are all under arrest.

[Crowd] Kill the good, kill the good.

- Each of you has the
right to remain silent.

If you waive the right to remain silent,

anything you say can and
will be used against you

in a court of law.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

(gun shots)
(scream)

(thud)

(gun shots)

- How come his is so
much bigger than yours?

Miss?

The gun.

I've never needed more.

(thuds)

(screams)

(dramatic music)

(thuds)
(grunts)

Come on, Joe.

(thuds)

(groans)

Oh gosh, I'm terribly sorry.

Friday, our car, we can steal it back.

Right.

I'll drive.

- Forget it, Streebeck, we're
responsible for the safety

of a civilian here, and frankly, mister,

you just don't belong
behind the wheel of a car.

Just hang on and keep your head down.

(crash)

(dramatic music)

Good driving, Joe.

Yes, you were wonderful.

Excuse me, miss.

I never did catch your name.

Swail, Connie Swail.

Your name is Friday?

- Joe.
- Joe.

Joe.

(soft music)

Pep, Pep Streebeck.

Glad to meet you.

- You certainly have a
beautiful home, Miss Swail.

- You bet, can the
Beaver come out and play?

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Will I ever see you again, Joe?

Absolutely, you're our main witness.

We'd like you to come downtown,

take a look at the mug books.

See if you can make a positive
ID on the man you saw.

We'll have a police woman
come down here tonight,

keep an eye on the house,
and bring you downtown

to Parker Center tomorrow.

Here's my card.

You'll be needed for further questioning.

(soft music)

I don't know why, but,

somehow I feel like I can
tell you anything, Joe.

Friday, January 9th, 3:12 a.m.

We returned from Anaheim,

where we had dropped off
the virgin, Connie Swail.

I telephoned Captain
Gannon at home, waking him.

After absorbing several minutes
of gratuitous verbal abuse,

I requested him to meet
us as soon as possible

at his office.

(knocks)

[Captain] Come in.

- Evening, Captain.
- Captain.

- [Friday] 3:35 a.m., we
proceeded to relate details

of our successful follow-up
on the P.A.G.A.N. robberies,

and briefed Captain Gannon
on the outlandish festival

we had attended.

Even going so far as to
demonstrate the goat dance

which we had engaged in as
part of our undercover role

in the operation.

- [Streebeck] This music,
pulsating, over and over

and over again.

Stop it.

- [Joe] At this point, Captain
Gannon became quite upset,

accused us of being on
all-night drinking binge,

and based on our general appearance,

seemed reluctant to contact
the Sheriff's Department

to investigate the area.

- Captain, if you will just
call the Sheriff's Department,

I have the directions to
the compound right here

in my pocket.

(clatters)

Hay fever?

Illegal narcotics, sir.

Actually, hallucinogenic love drugs.

The P.A.G.A.N.s were taking them,
we were trying to fit in.

Uh huh.

If it weren't for the drugs,

we couldn't have gotten
away from the snake.

The snake, I forgot about the snake.

How big did you say it was again?

- 20 feet long.
- 30 feet long.

- Actually sir, we'd like
to request the opportunity

to have you come down to the
crime scene and visually verify

our report, and if you could
call Commissioner Kirkpatrick,

we believe this incident,
because of its sheer magnitude,

is worthy of her personal
attention as well.

- Friday, do you have
any idea what time it is?

- Yes, sir.
- Oh, don't

ask him that, Captain.

It's 4:27 a.m., sir.

He lives for that, it's in his blood.

Thursday, January 8th, 5:45 a.m.

Having gained Captain
Gannon's grudging agreement

to contact the commissioner
and proceed with us

to the San Gabriel Mountains,
we eventually arrived

at the scene of the
previous night's debauchery.

- What is this, Gannon, some
sort of juvenile cop humor?

And where the hell's this
supposed P.A.G.A.N. festival?

I can't understand it, sir.

There was a huge
electronic screen up there

with P.A.G.A.N. vision written all over it.

- Yeah, yeah, and this was
the hole that was filled

with water we had to dive
in to save the virgin

who was being eaten by the giant snake.

Captain, who are these painted cretins?

Two of my best men, ma'am.

That's right, that's right.

- They're heading up
the P.A.G.A.N. investigation.

- They were heading up
the P.A.G.A.N. investigation.

As of now, you may consider them off it.

But Commissioner?

Gannon.

What am I going to tell the press?

That now we are investigating
invisible crimes

on the word of two

trick-or-treaters?

- With all due respect,
ma'am, you are a civilian

and probably unaware the
department has regs authorizing us

to wear specialized apparel

during a assimilation surveillance.

- Sergeant, you yourself were
once a civilian, I assume.

Yes, ma'am.

- If you do not drop
that insubordinate tone,

you'll be one again sooner than you think.

Wait a minute, Friday.

I've never known you to
act this way, Friday.

Certainly not the type of
behavior that your Uncle Joe

would have approved of.

You know the kind of man he was.

I suggest that you try to be a little more

like him from now on.

Yeah, sir, I'll try.

Good.

(pensive music)

I'm sorry, Joe.

He's not in any of these.

And I'll never forget his face.

- okay, I guess this
officially closes my end

of the investigation.

As far as your personal
safety is concerned,

I wouldn't worry.

That guy's probably a couple
hundred miles from here by now.

10:30 a.m., I went to pick
up Detective Streebeck

at the sanitationally
questionable commune,

which passed for his apartment building

in the come as you are
section of Venice Beach.

(knocks)

The door was opened by
police officer, Betsy Blees,

who had apparently dropped by to chat

about more effective
methods of law enforcement.

They'd been playing a
version of good cop, bad cop,

and though I was unable
to fathom the rules,

it seemed clear that Streebeck had lost

this particular round.

At any rate, playtime
was over, and it was back

to routine duty for me and Pep Streebeck.

- Hey, Joe, listen I
suddenly got very hungry.

Let's say we stop and
grab some sushi, huh?

- Come on, Streebeck, we're
late for our watch already,

and raw tuna really isn't my bag.

(loud boom)

(dramatic music)

My hat was in that car.

- Yeah, I can tell you
who reblocked it for ya.

P.A.G.A.N.s, I need some coffee.

- I know where they serve
the best in town, come on.

♪ No time for chit chat ♪

♪ Just reply don't waste my time ♪

♪ When I need answers ♪

♪ To the questions that arise ♪

♪ Get to the point ♪

♪ All I really want to know ♪

♪ Is just the facts ♪

Ma'am.

♪ Just the facts, just the facts ♪

♪ That's all I need to know ♪

You know I hate to admit it, Streebeck,

but for once in your life, you're right.

This is good coffee.

Oh, you should try the French toast.

Listen, Joe, lend me 20 bucks.

- Do I know you long
enough to lend you money?

I don't think so.

- I know we've been
ordered off the P.A.G.A.N.s,

but that doesn't mean that
technically we can't follow up

on one of their thefts.

The trichlornitromethane and

the pseudohalogenic compound cyanogen.

- Listen, there's only one
illegal lab in the city

with the capacity and the
personnel and the equipment

to mix those two chemicals
into a deadly gas.

We've been waiting for months on narcotics

to bust this place, and
we can do it tonight.

Forget it, Streebeck, it's strictly out

of our jurisdiction now.

- But this won't be a
P.A.G.A.N. investigation, Joe,

we can bring Narc in on it.

Joe, police work is a
matter of us against them,

not mother may I.

Hi, Kay, how are you?

I could find out where they've
set up the lab this week.

Oh, how?

By you lending me 20 bucks.

- 6:30 p.m., after witnessing
the gratuitous sex display

at Streebeck's favorite coffee
house and an outlay of $50

by me to one of his old informants,

I proceeded by Celebrity
Cab to 3396834108th Street,

an illegal drug lab grotesquely disguised

as a legitimate place of business.

Streebeck had gone to seek
assistance from some friends

of his in the undercover narcotics unit

where he used to work.

Funny how it didn't surprise
me that he was late,

even though he knew I was
waiting in a part of town

where it's not advisable to
just stand around whistling.

(whistles)

Hey, zipper head.

- Up a little late
tonight, aren't we kids?

Let's have one of your smokes.

- It's an unhealthy habit I
don't encourage in others, son.

Get smart, give it up by not taking it up.

- Thanks for the public
service announcement.

Now hand over your money, and
I'll go buy my own smokes.

Well, if you're that strapped for cash,

I'd suggest a part-time job.

How 'bout a paper route?

It builds character, it did in my case.

- Hey, we're not askin'
you for your money, Ozzie.

- No?
- No.

Are you threatening me, son?

[All] ooh!

(dramatic music)

(thud)

(groan)

(bangs)

(thunk)

And on a school night too.

(powerful music)

Hit the deck!

(crash)

(thump)

(crash)
(splash)

(clanging metal)

I can't quite place it.

It tastes like...

- Milk, just like the
sign said on the building

before you obliterated it.

Fresh, wholesome milk.

You probably love this stuff, don't you?

- Vitamin D, calcium,
essential for good strong bones

and healthy teeth.

But that's probably all Greek to you,

isn't it, Mr. Gingivitis?

7:15 p.m., after explaining
to the proprietors

of the milk factory
that they were helpless

to take legal action against
the city since we had properly

obtained a search warrant,

our apology was reluctantly accepted,

and Streebeck and I were on
our way back to Parker Center.

After losing the two previous
vehicles we had been issued,

the only car the department
was willing to release to us

at this point, was an unmarked 1987 Yugo,

a Yugoslavian import
donated to the department

as a test vehicle by the
government of that country,

and reflecting the cutting edge

of Serbo-Croatian technology.

(whistles)

(suspenseful music)

Streebeck, I've been thinking.

Maybe your informant was right.

Maybe the P.A.G.A.N.s
anticipated our little raid

and mixed those chemicals
into a deadly gas

before we got there.

Nuh-huh.

Hey, Friday?

That's me.

What do you like to do for fun?

I mean, I'm your partner now,

and I don't even know where you live.

That's right, mister, you don't.

Streebeck, why are you
always looking at your watch?

I'm watching my TV.

You don't like my music,
you don't wanna talk,

so I'm watching my TV.

- Here at the annual Law
and Order Foundation dinner,

where Los Angeles mayor, Peter Parvin,

is fighting for his very
own political survival.

Leading that attack again

is Police Commissioner Jane Kirkpatrick.

Let's hear what she has to say.

- This rampaging gang of
P.A.G.A.N.s has made a mockery

of the city's administration.

Vehicles from the fire and
police departments are stolen

in broad daylight.

Deadly toxic chemicals are on the loose.

What next, Mr. Mayor?

In my opinion, Mayor Peter
Parvin should consider the

welfare of his own constituents
and do the honorable thing.

Resign now.

- You know, Friday, I think
you and the Commissioner would

make a cute couple.

I like the way you both
keep your jaws locked.

Plus, the two of you do share

that same curious affection for hats.

May I remind you that only this morning

Commissioner Kirkpatrick
threatened to turn me

into a civilian?

Yeah, I know.

There was a gleam in her eye though.

Put a clamp on it, Streebeck.

- I have never been
elected to public office.

I have always sought the approval
of a somewhat higher power

for my actions.

The sad truth is that we
live here now in a city

where even a gross
pornographer like Jerry Caesar

is not immune from lawlessness.

With this grim fact in mind,

I am relieved to announce tonight

that even Mr. Caesar
himself has bravely decided

to strike a blow in our
common fight against crime.

Yes sir, yes indeed.

This guy knows God personally.

I hear they play racquetball together.

- Yeah, well just go ahead
and chuckle away, mister.

I don't hear God laughing.

You will once he sees your haircut.

- My friends, in an unprecedented
gesture of atonement,

Mr. Caesar has agreed to
donate the sum of $1 million

to my Moral Advance Movement.

(applause)

- [Friday] 7:52 p.m.,
after witnessing the raging

political turmoil on
Streebeck's puny television set,

I was really looking forward
to the end of a rotten day.

Well, wanna go get something to eat?

Not tonight, I have plans.

- You do?
- Uh huh.

What? What?

Where do you go?

What is her name?

Does she have a sister?

Good night, Streebeck.

Truth is, I don't care where you go.

Yeah, I do, I gotta know.

(horror music)

I knew it.

It's Nightmare on Elm Street.

And that would make him Freddy Krueger.

We're gonna be driving along some night

and the lighting's gonna be bad,

and he's gonna mistake me
for some pretty little coed,

and out comes that claw. (growls)

170 pounds of ground chuck.

Who knows what kind of
thrill-seeking hose monster he's

got stashed in there.

My God, he's dating Mother Goose.

Hey, Joe.

Streebeck, what are you doing here?

Joe, who is this nice looking young man?

He's nobody, my partner.

Streebeck, introduce yourself
to my grandmother, quickly.

Well, what a pleasant surprise.

Granny Friday.

Not that it's any of your business,

she's my maternal grandmother.

Her name is Mundy.

- Why don't we all
discuss this over dinner?

It's my birthday.

We're going to the Brown Derby.

Do join us, Detective Swayback.

- Streebeck.
- Pep.

- Granny, I don't think
it's such a good idea.

Why not, Joe?

Yeah Joe, why not?

- Yes, well it's just that
I've invited someone already

to join us and you don't really know her.

She's...

- Her?
- Her?

Joe!

You have a date?

oh, I'm so proud.

(thump)

- Well, in that case, it
looks like I have a date too.

Granny Mundy, may I
escort you to Joe's car?

I'd be privileged, Detective Star Trek.

- 9:00 p.m., exactly one
night after witnessing

the satanic cult rally, I
escorted my maternal grandmother

to her favorite restaurant,
the famous Brown Derby.

There was someone I wanted her to meet,

and it certainly wasn't
Detective Streebeck.

Sergeant Friday, your table is ready.

I took the liberty of
pouring the Dom Perignon.

What Dom Perignon?

- Oh, I stopped and phoned
in an order in honor

of Granny Mundy's birthday.

Well, you'd want her to have

the most expensive kind, wouldn't you?

What a thoughtful gesture.

Don't you think so, Joe?

- Yes, Granny, it was
very considerate of him.

Hello, Joe.

Guess I'm early.

I was kind of excited.

You sly minx.

- Connie, I'd like you to
meet my maternal grandmother,

Mrs. Grace Mundy.

Granny, this is the virgin, Connie Swail.

You're kidding?

Hi.

Well, allow me.

The place of honor for Granny.

- Thank you.
- Certainly.

And if I may, a toast to Granny Mundy,

may you live as long as you want,

but never want as long as you live.

(clinks)
- Hear hear.

Ahhh.

- [Connie] This is such
a happy restaurant.

- Commissioner Kirkpatrick,
how nice to see you again.

Reverend Whirley, it's a privilege.

An aperitif, perhaps?

- You know, I once saw
Alan Hale Jr. in here.

Alan Hale Jr., wow!

Gilligan, little buddy.

- Streebeck, you just make
sure you don't order anything

more expensive that the
world famous Cobb salad,

and that is a direct order.

Oh my God.

Connie?

That's him.

That man with the collar.

The Reverend Whirley?

- He's the one who kidnapped
me and threw me in that pit

with that horrible snake.

I'll never forget his
face as long as I live.

Connie, you have to be sure about this.

How about very, very sure.

I'm positive, Joe.

That's him.

The face behind the mask.

The man who tried to kill me.

- Connie, would you be
willing to testify to that

under oath in a court of law?

Wait, wait a minute, settle down here.

Let's think about this.

Now that is Jonathon Whirley,

head of the Moral Advance
Movement of America.

He's a public hero.

You can't just walk up to him...

- Streebeck, free-roaming
vermin aren't allowed

inside restaurants in this city.

I'll simply be enforcing
the public health code.

Now if you'll both excuse me,

I'm afraid the second highest
duty calls. (chuckles)

(laughs)

- Joe, he is sitting with the
Commissioner and our Captain.

You go bust him now, tomorrow
you'll be mucking out

stalls down at the horse patrol.

Thank you.

I am sorry.

Hold it right there, Whirley.

Police officer, you're under arrest.

I beg your pardon, what is this?

Some sort of feeble joke?

No, it's a real knee-slapper, friend,

if you consider California
penal code sections

484207, A597, and 217 theft, kidnapping,

cruelty to animals, attempted murder,

something to laugh about.

[Whirley] I haven't the slightest idea

what you're talking about.

- My partner and I witnessed
that little torchlight

picnic you threw last night,
and we're gonna put you

where your kind always ends up,

in a seven by seven foot
gray-green metal cage

on the 15th floor of some
hundred year old penitentiary

with damp stinking walls and
a wooden plank for a bed.

Sure this city isn't perfect.

We need a smut-free life
for all our citizens,

cleaner streets, better
schools, a good hockey team.

But the big difference
between you and me, mister,

is you made the promise
and I'm gonna keep it.

(applause)

- Our good reverend's an
amazing piece of work,

isn't he, Jane?

May I call you Jane?
- No.

- Captain, Commissioner, I
demand an immediate explanation

for this outrageous behavior.

It's him again.

Are you insane?

- Commissioner, the Reverend
Whirley abducted that girl

over there, had his men
throw her into a pit

filled with criminally polluted water,

and a giant Bolivian jungle snake.

- oh, Jane, these
accusations are preposterous.

I beg to differ, ma'am.

Just ask him if he remembers
about 3,000 gallons of stolen

trichlornitromethane and the
pseudohalogenic compound

cyanogen, which when mixed properly,

form a liquid fertilizer that
burns the throat, the eyes,

the lungs, the nose,
and could cause vomiting

and even death.

Friday, we're just about to eat here.

Reverend Whirley, please,

please accept our most sincere apologies.

Sergeant, you will remove
those handcuffs immediately.

Then you will hand in your badge.

You are relieved from duty.

But, but, but Commissioner.

Now.

Yes sir, ma'am.

I don't care.

Won't you please change your mind?

I know the young man was over zealous,

but he springs from the great tradition.

Commissioner, won't you
please change your mind?

Joe, I'm afraid I'll have
to take your badge and gun.

Captain, if we could just please...

I don't wanna discuss it.

Just hand them over.

(melancholy music)

Look, Joe, don't worry.

I'm still on active duty.

I'm buildin' a case.

You're buildin' nothin'.

Streeback, if I ever hear
you've come within one mile

of the Reverend Whirley, I'll
have your badge for breakfast.

Understood?

Yes, sir.

- It was very nice of
you to try and take us

out to dinner, Joe.

Yeah, yeah, thanks, Joe, for everything.

- Well, let's not all
stand around here moping,

I'm hungry, let's go for chili dogs.

- Granny, have you ever eaten
a chili dog off the back

of a motorcycle?

Not 'til now.

You smooth-talking son of a gun.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I'm very sorry you lost your job, Joe.

I really did have a very good time.

I'm glad, Connie.

Now fasten your seatbelt.

I can still affect a citizen's arrest,

and I wouldn't wanna
ruin a wonderful evening

by bringing you in on
a misdemeanor charge.

That was a joke.

Oh.

♪ Never knew the closing of a door ♪

♪ Could open up a heart ♪

♪ Since the day we met I needed you ♪

♪ In my life ♪

oh, Joe.

Look at the stars.

Dozens of them.

You know, when I was a little girl,

I used to wish upon a
different star every night

for that special someone to come along.

Someone with whom I could share

everything.

And I guess that's not so unusual.

All girls do that, don't they, Joe?

Some guys do too, Connie.

- Joe?
- That's me.

Was there ever

anyone else?

Of course there was.

Oh.

- Actually, I've only been
driving with Streebeck

for a couple of days now.

Before that I was with Frank.

That's not what I meant, Joe.

Oh.

(thump)
(scream)

Oh my God, earthquake, it's the big one.

Joe, help, help.

- [Joe] Request code
three, request code three.

officer in distress, assist officer.

Wait, I'll handle this.

Calm down, calm down.

(crash)
(gasp)

- January 9th, 8:37 a.m.,
my name's Streebeck.

I'm a cop.

I overslept.

Curiously enough, I still hadn't heard

from my anal-retentive ex-partner.

Although I was sure he'd be
proud to know I was making

a concerted effort to
personally develop a close

relationship with one of my sisters

in the Los Angeles Police Department.

(gentle music)

I placed a call to the
virgin, Connie Swail,

but according to the girl's mother,

she hadn't come home either.

I don't know what to say, Mrs. Swail.

I'm beginning to be
somewhat concerned myself.

No, no, Joe Friday has never
stayed out all night either.

Well, the day he was born his
mother had him home by 9:00.

Well, let's both stay in touch
in case we hear from them.

Thank you, Mrs. Swail.

- Oh my goodness, I'm gonna
be late for my stakeout.

- As enchanting as Robin was,
I still couldn't get my mind

off what happened to Joe Friday.

You know, for one misguided
moment, I actually pictured

my ex-partner introducing that
little Orange County cupcake

to the one piece of his equipment
that wasn't issued to him

by the department.

But then I realized, Joe would
never spring for the price

of a decent motel room, and
since having sex in a Yugo

is a logistical impossibility,
I came to the conclusion

that something must be wrong.

Who cares?

Now you listen to me, Captain.

Joe Friday was the most
dedicated cop in this city.

Okay, so maybe all his dogs
aren't attached to one leash.

He's thick-headed and
insensitive and reactionary

and generally less fun to
be around than any person

I've ever met, but still.

He was my partner.

You wanna find Joe Friday, Streebeck?

My advice is to start
checking out the sanitariums.

- Hey, Pep.
- What's shakin', Ron?

Hey, you!

Me, Pep?

Detective Streebeck to you, rookie,

now let's get this mop trimmed,

stop shaving with a pocket knife,

and the next time you eat your lunch,

you put it in you stomach,
not on your uniform.

You're a disgrace to this department

and to that badge on your chest.

(organ music)

You're late, Jerry.

I saw your little announcement about my

so-called million dollar contribution.

Do yourself a favor, friend.

Try the lottery.

The lottery I can fix.

our problem is Mayor Parvin.

I'm afraid he is not going
gentle into that good night.

Say what?

- That he is not responding
to our pressure to resign.

Gonna have to push him over the edge.

That million dollar contribution
of yours will ensure

his presence at your party tonight.

Just make sure he turns
into a drug-crazed idiot,

complete with pictures.

And once he's politically
dead, Commissioner Kirkpatrick

will be a shoe-in to replace
him in the next election.

You and I will split
effective control of the city.

You'll monopolize all pornography,

half the poor, dumb sheep in
Los Angeles will be forking

over money to buy your
sleaze, while the other half

will be funding me with
the means to fight it.

Reverend,

you got balls as big as church bells.

Thank you.

Jonathon, I do not trust that man.

Well, thank goodness he trusts me.

That socially retarded
hedonist actually believes he's

gonna be alive tomorrow.

(pensive music)

Where's Joe Friday?

(grunts)

It's no use, these knots are too tight.

Untie the girl, she's coming with me.

- You hypocritical maniac,
if you had one common shred

of decency left, you'd let
her go and kill me instead.

Instead?

But my dear Sergeant Friday,

I'd always planned on killing you.

- How do you see yourself
going down in history, mister?

P.A.G.A.N., a reverend, devil, or angel?

Why both, of course.

one can't exist without the other.

Without the Jerry Caesars,
there'd be no moral outrage.

And what's the good of moral
outrage unless you have

something tangible to direct it against?

By this time tomorrow,
thanks to that poison gas

you've been tracking like
some flu-ridden blood hound,

Mr. Caesar will be sitting
in that great big jacuzzi

in the sky, and I'll control
both sides of the equation.

- Uh huh, sure, but just
like every other foaming,

rabid psycho in the city
with a fool-proof plan,

you've forgotten you're
facing the single finest

fighting force ever assembled.

The Israeli's?

- Try the decent, hard-working
men and women of Los Angeles.

(snorts)
- Forgotten about them?

(laughs) My dear Sergeant, I'm
absolutely counting on them.

Joe.

Joe.

(melancholy music)

- Wise up, fellas, you may have
taken a wrong turn somewhere

in life, but there's still
time to straighten out.

- You're the one that's
gonna straighten out, cop.

All the way down the mountain.

(thunk)

Let's go, Streebeck.

(fast paced music)

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

(tires screech)

(gun shots)

- Just relax, Friday, and
hold on tight, tighter.

Pretend I'm Connie.

[Joe] Streebeck, there's no road here.

(gun shots)

(mysterious music)

Look, there's the mayor.

Pretty clever of Whirley
maneuvering him up here

to Caesar's party.

Now he's got both people he
wants to eliminate in one place.

Hey, isn't that Whirley's car?

Good evening, Reverend.

Child.

I don't see Connie, I don't see Connie.

Alright, the next car comes, follow me in.

Wait, you can't go in there.

- And since when did
you become Miss Manners?

- In the first place,
you don't have a warrant.

- California penal code
section 836, a police officer

may make an arrest without a
warrant if he believes there

is probable cause to believe...

- You're not a police
officer anymore, Joe.

I hate to be the one to break that to you,

but it's the truth.

You go charging in there now,

you're never gonna get your badge back.

- Whirley's the only one
that knows where Connie is,

and he's gonna tell me or
I'm gonna shove that collar

so far down his throat, I'll
have to take off his shoes

to wring his neck.

Will you listen to yourself?

You're not even thinking
like a cop anymore.

You're thinking like a man in love.

You just watch your language, mister.

Oh, Joe, I...

You've never really had these
feelings before, have you?

Almost.

I had a kitten once.

- Yeah, this is gonna
be a little different.

See, Connie is not gonna
be sleeping in a box

or meowing all night or
climbing up your drapes.

or maybe she will, I don't know.

You both are sorta starting
from scratch with this thing.

- Get outta my way.
- Hey hey hey.

Last time you went after
Whirley, you got suspended.

You go in there now,
you're gonna get arrested.

On what charge, junior?

How 'bout section 146A?

That's right, impersonating
a police officer.

It's for your own good, Joe.

You know, in spite of every
logical instinct I've ever had

in my life, I consider you
a friend, a real friend.

Streebeck, wait.

Joe, go home.

Go home, there's nothing more
you can do here, believe me.

And by the way, my name is Pep.

It's not mister or junior
or bub or even Streebeck.

It's Pep.

Friendships start with first names, Joe.

(gentle violin music)

Thank you so much for coming.

Your honor, pleased you could make it.

- Thank you.
- You too of course, Reverend.

- Alright, let's just drop the
fake civility, okay Caesar?

I believe you have a check
for the reverend here.

Yes I do, all in due time.

- If it would make us
all feel a little better,

why don't I just hold on to it

until the formal presentation.

Well, whatever.

(laughs)

Gentlemen, you're just in time.

We're about to start our
cultural talent show here.

Why don't you pull up a pew next to me.

Reverend, I'm sure
you'll find these gals...

socially redeemin'.

♪ Mi mi mi mi mi mi ♪

♪ oh say can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

♪ What so proudly ♪

- How do you like those
sweet pipes, Reverend?

Surprised?

Oh yes.

Indeed.

I have a feeling this evening is going

to be full of surprises.

♪ Through the perilous fight ♪

(mysterious music)

- Thunderhead to Cloud Nine,
Thunderhead to Cloud Nine.

Do you read me?

Our hoses are in place,
start the gas when ready.

- Cloud Nine to Thunderhead,
we're startin' the gas.

Hi, just need to use the phone.

Hey, who the hell do you...

Hey, the White Pages, my favorite.

You ever actually reach out
and touch someone? (thud)

- See if you can get a line
on the man they work with.

(phone rings)
I'll be hitting Route 30.

Keep me posted, 10 four.

- Hello.
- LAPD,

Captain Gannon there please?

Yes, he is.

- [Streebeck] Thank you,
thank you very much.

It's work dear.

Thank you, Delilah.

Hello.
- Captain Gannon.

This is Streeback.

I'm up at Caesar's
- Streebeck?

- Yes, I'm up at the
Caesar mansion, Captain.

I'm surrounded by P.A.G.A.N.s.

You better call out SWAT.

They've got a small army up here.

(sinister music)

Reverend.

- I'll be leaving you
in charge here, Emil.

I'll be joining a very
special passenger aboard my

private jet for a few
restful days in Acapulco.

Don't forget to leave a
P.A.G.A.N. card so the police

and Mr. Caesar's next of kin
will give us proper credit

for returning his magazines.

oh, and, Emil, ever forward.

(yells)

[Cop] Police officers, clear the road.

Police officers.

Clear the road.

(marching music)

What the, cops.

Party's over, break out the weapons.

Break out the masks over there.

(gun shots)

(yells)
(gun shots)

(screams)

We're pinned down, hold your positions.

(gun shots)

(battle music)

Alright, boys, let's do it.

(gun shots)

Whoa, guys.

(crash)

Thank God, it's Friday.

(gun shots)

Hey, everybody, it's me, Pep.

Good to see ya.

(thud)

Ah!

So long, hot shot.

(click)
- Muzz,

you weren't even born
with the sense God gave

the common dog.

Don't you realize that's my partner?

Ha ha.

(thud)
(groans)

(thump)

Thanks, partner.

Read him his rights, Pep.

Pep?

You hear that Emil, he called me Pep.

You know, Muzz, you have
the right to remain silent.

If you give up the right to remain silent,

anything you... you know these words, Muzz.

Come on, sing along.

♪ Anything you say can and will be used ♪

♪ Against you in a court of law ♪

- Friday, Friday, you gotta
lifetime subscription to Bait,

Dollies, and Field and Cream.

You saved my house, you saved
my gals, you saved my life.

I'll give you anything you want.

I'll give you money, broads,
automobiles, anything you want.

You say, just name it.

How 'bout taking your hands off my suit.

Absolutely.

Joe, Jerry, Donna, Eva.

Whirley's headed down to
Mexico on his private jet.

He's got Connie, let's move it.

Who's Connie?

- I don't know.
- Isn't she the one...

Nevermind, you hungry?

- Yeah.
- A little.

Let's eat.

Friday, Streebeck, good work.

I'll expect a full report in the morning.

- Sure thing, Captain,
if you'll excuse us,

we have a fugitive to apprehend.

Uh, wait a minute, Streebeck.

I can't let you take a civilian
with you on a hot pursuit.

But, Captain, please.

Sorry, Joe.

You're gonna need this.

(upbeat music)

I didn't have the heart to turn it in.

Yes, sir.

Well don't just stand there,

you petrified monolith of
legal propriety, let's move.

I'll drive.

You seem to be suffering

from selective amnesia, Streebeck.

I outrank you, I'll drive.

(fast paced music)

- Hey now, be careful, Joe,
this is a dangerous road.

- Since when are you
worried about my driving,

Mister I like life in the fast lane?

- Hey that was a four-way stop
sign you just blew through.

Felt good.

Whoa, Joe, look out for that bump.

Joe, don't you remember
those films they showed us

in high school?

Red Asphalt, Blood on the Highway?

Bub, you picked two of my favorites.

(tires screech)

(sinister music)

Jonathon.

Jonathon, I just heard
on the police band radio,

they've stormed the mansion.

They know everything.

It's all over, we're finished.

Oh, the girl's aboard, of course?

- Yes, but we might as
well let her go now.

There's no point in keeping her.

You're absolutely right.

Watch for the police, I'll untie her,

and be calm.

Calm, police.

(taps)

Jonathon.

All buckled up?

Good.

You freak.

Freak.

Don't worry, my dear.

You'll get used to me in time.

(knocks)

Jonathon, I think maybe you...

oh my God.

Jonathon.

(yells)

Jonathon!

(fast paced music)

Ah, come on, Joe, slow down.

What happened to those
departmental regulations

on high speed pursuits?

I thought you were safety conscious.

- Just close your eyes
and think of Christmas.

Think of Christmas?

♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪

♪ on the feast of Stephen ♪

♪ And the snow lay round about ♪

♪ Deep and crisp and even ♪

♪ Brightly shone the moon that night ♪

♪ Through the frost was cruel ♪

♪ When the poor man came in sight ♪

Try a chorus of Silent Night.

(fast paced music)

Well, he's gone, let's go home.

No, the runway.

Ha ha ha ha.

(fast paced music)

We lost them, Joe.

I have eyes, Streebeck.

Streebeck was right.

We had lost 'em.

(siren blares)

(upbeat music)

(sirens)

Hi Connie.

oh, Joe, I'm so proud.

What a collar, what a collar, Joe.

I'm so happy for us.

Connie.

- Streebeck, isn't there
anything job related

that you should be doing
at this particular moment?

No, nothin'.

Well, I could return our rent-a-wreck,

and maybe file a report.

- Good, because I have a
whole lifetime to catch up on.

(gentle music)

- [Narrator] on February
21st, a trial was held

in Superior Court, in and for
the county of Los Angeles.

The Reverend Jonathon Whirley
was found guilty on two counts

of attempted murder, kidnapping, arson,

obstruction of justice, and
tampering with public utilities.

He is presently in the men's
correction facility at Chino,

serving 43 consecutive 99 year sentences.

Which makes him eligible
for parole in seven years.

Monday, January 12th, 8:43 a.m.

As for Streebeck and me,
we're back on day watch

at Robbery Homicide, where
he still exhibits a blatant

disregard for departmental procedure.

But I am somehow managing to keep this

in its proper perspective.

Bye, Pep.

Will you be coming over later?

Oh yeah, I have to.

- oh?
- I'm wearing

your underwear.

Well, late night last night, partner?

I thought the Christian Science
Reading Room closed at 10.

- Not that it's any of your
business, Mr. National Enquirer,

but I had the pleasure of
spending a quiet evening

in the company of Connie Swail.

Wait a minute, Connie Swail?

Don't you mean the virgin, Connie Swail?

(dramatic music)

This is the city, it's a city of crime.

My name is Friday.

I carry a badge.

3:15 a.m., Thursday, January 15th.

It was chilly that morning
in the City of Angels.

on this particular occasion,
we happened to witness

a P.A.G.A.N. ritual in progress.

♪ See that Streebeck, we're just in time ♪

♪ We have stumbled into a major crime ♪

♪ They got the girl all frightened ♪

♪ That's not nice ♪

♪ I think she is the
subject of a sacrifice ♪

♪ Buddy we're puttin' this party on ice ♪

♪ But first you know we really ♪

♪ oughta read 'em their rights ♪

♪ Read 'em their rights ♪

♪ Read 'em their rights ♪

♪ Well I'm here tonight
to rap about your rights ♪

♪ 'Cause right now you're in trouble ♪

♪ Don't have to say nothin' at all ♪

♪ You all got two calls ♪

♪ And you better make 'em on the double ♪

♪ This is the city of crime ♪

♪ Don't step outta line ♪

♪ This is the city of crime ♪

♪ You'd better be praying
your judge is kind ♪

♪ You're a dangerous
mob and it is our job ♪

♪ To bust you all for being violent ♪

♪ While we are here let's state it clear ♪

♪ You have the right to remain silent ♪

♪ Well excuse me Copper ♪

♪ Mr. Crime Stopper ♪

♪ What is wrong with what we're doin' ♪

♪ We just like to dance
in our goatskin pants ♪

♪ Around this ancient ruin ♪

♪ Now it's not so funny
that it cost big money ♪

♪ If you ever have to hire a lawyer ♪

♪ It's my duty to inform you ♪

♪ And my pleasure to warn you ♪

♪ We'll provide one for ya ♪

♪ Huh ♪

♪ This is the city of crime ♪

♪ Don't step outta line ♪

♪ This is the city of crime ♪

♪ You're lookin' at seven to nine ♪

♪ Now you know what you've been doing ♪

♪ Is a serious crime ♪

♪ And you'll probably be
doin' some serious time ♪

♪ In case you might be worried ♪

♪ About the friends you'll lose ♪

♪ At least they get to see
you on the evening news ♪

♪ - It's a new sensation
- we go down to the station ♪

♪ You're gonna answer some questions ♪

♪ And have some refreshments ♪

♪ What is your full name ♪

♪ Well excuse me excuse me ♪

♪ Don't use abuse or refuse me ♪

♪ It's no joke I'm broke ♪

♪ But my rights I can and will invoke ♪

♪ I'm homely and I'm lonely ♪

♪ But the state cannot disown me ♪

♪ It ain't funny I might want money ♪

♪ To take home to my honey ♪

♪ This is the city of crime ♪

♪ Don't step outta line ♪

♪ This is the city of crime ♪

♪ Where an honest man is hard to find ♪