Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995) - full transcript
Another spoof from the mind of Mel Brooks. This time he's out to poke fun at the Dracula myth. Basically, he took "Bram Stoker's Dracula," gave it a new cast and a new script and made a big joke out of it. The usual, rich English are attacked by Dracula and Dr. Van Helsing is brought in to save the day.
Captioning made possible
by warner bros.
In such close quarters,
I feel compelled
to introduce myself.
I'm thomas renfield,
esquire.
Solicitor from london.
Man: ah, english!
Oh, my wife and i,
we love the english!
Don't we, dear?
Eh...
ahh!
I confess
i'm not accustomed
To these
transylvanian roads.
Feeling a bit queasy.
Queasy?
I tell driver
to go slow.
Driver...
The sun is setting!
We must make the village
before dark!
Quick! Quick!
Ooh!
Faster, faster!
Holten.
Holten!
Holten?
Hold on, english!
Ohh!
Aah!
Aah!
No!
Yes, i quite
understand.
Ohh!
I say, driver!
Can you slow up a bit?
Yes!
Thank you!
Ah...
Whoa!
Thank you.
Oh, driver, don't take
my luggage down.
I'm going on
to volga pass tonight.
Yes.
What are you doing?!
Too dark.
I go no further.
From here on, you walk.
You are going on...tonight?
Yes. I'm going
to the castle.
All, gasping: castle!
Yes. I'm shed-Uled
to meet count dracula.
Dracula!
"Shed-Uled"?
Yes. I have business
with the count.
No, no, no!
You must not go!
Why not?
Because we people
of the mountains
Believe vampires
live at the castle.
Vampires?
Yes!
They are the undead.
They rise
From the coffins
At night.
Woman: yes!
Yes...
They take the form
of wolves or bats
And puncture the throats
Of their victims
with their teeth
And drink
their bl-O-O-O-O-D.
Oh, surely that's
just superstition.
No!
Madame vosvonskaya is right.
Please, my son,
Take this cross.
Oh, no, thank you.
Ohh...
Take the cross.
Its holy love
and spirit of goodness
Will shield you from the
lurking dange-R-R-R-R-R.
Oh, no, no, really.
No, thank you.
Damn it!
Take the cross!
Yes, of course.
Of course.
That'll be 15 kopecks.
Ok.
Thank you-U-U-U-U...
U-U-U-U-U-U...
Well, if i have to walk,
i have to walk.
No!
Don't go! Please!
I beg of you!
But you don't understand.
I'm expected.
Well...
Ta!
Ohh!
Dracula, slavic accent:
be strong!
What?
Oh!
How do you do?
I'm thomas renfield,
Solicitor from london,
To see...
Count dracula?
Oh, my.
Oh! Oh, dear.
Oh, no.
Oh!
Ohh! Uhh!
Children...
Of the night.
What a mess they make.
I am count...
Aah!
...dracula.
Are you hurt?
I am perfectly fine.
It would take much more
than that to hurt me.
Come.
Ah...
Ohh...
Ooh...
Ohh, ohh...
Come, renfield.
Oh.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, dear!
Dracula: renfield!
Don't dawdle!
Be there
in half a tick!
Eh...
Sorry i was detained.
Uh, embarrassing,
really.
I thought i saw you
walk through the web,
So i assumed i could.
Then i thought
to myself,
"Well, perhaps i can go
around the other way."
But, no...
No. It's attached
along the sides.
So i told myself...
Renfield,
I don't care.
Ahh.
And now, if you are not too
fatigued from your journey,
I'd like to discuss the
purchase of carfax abbey.
Yes, of course.
I have the...
Papers right here.
Ah, very good.
Here they are.
Oh.
Bit dusty,
isn't it?
Yes. I like it.
Sign here...
And here.
There we are.
Yes. Congratulations.
You are now the owner
of carfax abbey.
One copy for you,
And one copy for me.
Oh...
Are you all right?
Yes, just a paper cut.
Ohh!
Oh, dear. Oh.
Oh. Don't worry.
I have a hankie here somewhere.
Let's see. Where are we?
Oh, how stupid of me! Oh!
It's worse than i thought.
I must've nipped a vessel.
My god!
What are you doing
to the furniture?
What are you on about?
What's all this, then?
Who are you people?!
I...i'll have you know
That's my knee
you're straddling!
No, stop...stop it at once.
Oh, ha, no.
No, this is wrong!
This is wrong!
This is wrong,
do you hear me?
Wrong! This is...
Wrong me, wrong me!
Wrong my brains out!
Oh, yes!
What is going on here?
You think this
makes me proud of you?
Now go...
Whilst i make him
my slave.
Dracula:
and stop that!
So, renfield,
Do you feel
better now?
You were having
a nightmare.
A nightmare?
But it was so real,
so vivid.
2 voluptuous women,
Grinding, heaving!
How to describe it...
Have you ever
been to paris?
Yes.
Let me show you
an old transylvanian method
For relaxation.
Look into my eyes.
Your eyelids
are getting heavy...
You feel th...
Renfield,
you fell asleep too soon.
I have more to tell you.
Wake up.
Now...
You are feeling drowsy.
What a simpleton.
Renfield!
Forget about sleeping!
Listen to me.
You hear only my voice.
From this moment on,
you are my slave.
You will sacrifice
everything
For my safety.
In return,
I will give you lives.
Not big lives...
Insects...
Flies...
Spiders.
I have chartered a ship
to take us to england.
We will leave
tomorrow evening.
I command you,
Watch over the safety
of my coffin.
Yes, master!
Ooh!
A-A-A-Hh...
Ooh!
Renfield!
Uhh!
Dracula: renfield!
I'm coming, master!
Master, master!
Don't worry. I'll help you!
Aah!
Ohh!
I have you now, master!
Aah!
Uhh!
Ohh.
Ohh...
You look poorly, master.
You're all dried out.
Here.
You should have fluids.
Yes, i agree.
I think i will start...
With the first mate.
Mmm...
Oh, it makes me so happy
to be at the opera.
I love this palace
of art and beauty.
Oh, yes, my dear.
The opera
is astonishing.
The music is
fraught with love,
Hate, sensuality,
And unbridled
passion...
All the things
in my life
I've managed
to suppress.
Sorry i'm late,
my dear.
We were worried,
father.
Mmm. I'm sorry.
Sit, sit, sit, sit.
I was detained
at my asylum.
The most extraordinary
lunatic was brought in today.
He was the only man
found alive
On that schooner that
drifted into whitby harbor.
Absolutely be-Zarre.
Hello.
Can i help you,
sir?
Yes, you may help me.
Dr. Seward
is in the next box.
It is imperative
That i meet
with him alone.
You will tell him
There is a message
for him in the lobby.
A message for dr. Seward
In the lobby.
Good. Now go.
Message in the lobby
For dr. Seward.
And you will
remember nothing
Of what i tell you.
Extraordinary.
Hello.
Can i help you, sir?
Can i help you, sir?
What is the matter
with you?
Why did you
not tell him?
About what?
About the message.
For whom?
Never mind!
I will tell him myself.
And for your
miserable performance,
You will receive
no tip.
No tip?!
Oh! Th you remember.
Oh, look
who's singing here.
Excuse me.
Are you
the dr. Seward
Whose sanitarium
is in whitby?
Why, yes.
I have just purchased
carfax abbey,
And i understand
it adjoins your grounds.
Quite so, quite so.
And...and you are?
Oh. Heh. Forgive me.
I am so renowned
in my own country,
I sometimes forget
to introduce myself.
I am count...
Dr. Seward...
There is a message
for you
In the lobby.
Seward: dear god!
What a...
Oh, bother.
Excuse me.
Dracu...
...la.
Eh, how do you do,
count dracula?
Um, i'm jonathan harker,
dr. Seward's assistant.
This is lucy westenra,
And this is my fiancee,
dr. Seward's daughter, mina.
Count dracula.
It will be a relief
to see lights burning
Through those dismal windows
Of carfax abbey
once again.
Lucy: oh, yes!
The abbey always reminds
me of that old toast.
You know...
Lofty timbers,
The walls around
are bare,
Echoing to our laughter,
As though the dead
were there.
I like the way
you think, my dear.
Death is one
of my favorite subjects.
We must get together
and have a long discussion.
Very long.
And now i take my leave.
I have
a pressing appointment.
Count dracula?
I am sorry, my dear,
but you have...
Such a lovely
ucipital mapillary.
What's that?
This.
Oh.
Thank you.
And now,
i take my leave.
There's something...
Otherworldly
about that man.
He gives me
the shivers.
Oh, yes...
Me, too.
Lucy: oh, count dracula...
Wish we could have
that long, long talk...
Right now.
Aah!
Mmm.
Oh, excuse us,
my dear.
Oh, dr. Seward.
Jonathan!
Um, i was sleeping.
Yes, uh,
we're sorry, dear,
But we heard a noise in the
bushes below your window.
We thought perhaps
it might be a prowler.
Yes. Would you mind terribly
if we had a look about?
Oh, no, please do.
Well, nothing out here.
Nothing amiss here,
either.
Ah, what a relief.
I'm very confident there's
no danger here whatsoever.
Sorry to disturb you,
dear.
We've searched
every inch of the room,
And there's no sign
of forcible entry.
Good night.
Huh. Something wrong
with this latch.
Not to worry.
I'll give it
a jolly good slam!
Ohh!
Ohh!
Renfield: master!
Renfield!
Yes?
I can't take it.
Can you take it?
The lights,
the screaming,
The crazy faces
staring at me.
I tell you, the walls are
closing in on me.
I've got to get
out of here!
Guard!
Get back to work!
Yes, sir!
Come along then,
renfield.
You're going to have tea
with the governor.
At last.
Now you'll see, martin.
Dr. Seward will believe
i'm not insane.
I wouldn't bet
me last shilling on it.
Let's go.
Stay.
Dr. Seward?
Yes?
Mr. Renfield is here.
Oh, good.
Send him up, martin.
Oh, mcmanus,
The patient
in the west wing?
Seward: yes?
He's having
a conniption fit.
Oh.
Give him an enema.
An enema?
Yes. It'll give him a
feeling of accomplishment.
Yes, sir.
Oh, renfield.
Good of you to come.
Nice to see you,
old chap.
How are we feeling today?
Normal.
Perfectly normal.
Excellent. Excellent.
Excellent.
Dr. Seward, may i ask why i've
been brought to the sanitarium?
Oh, we would just like to
perform a few tests, that's all.
If you don't mind?
No. Not at all.
As you can see,
I'm quite
all right now.
Quite so. Quite so.
Oh, hungry?
Famished.
Help yourself.
Yes, such a bounty.
Yes.
I was just telling mar...
What was that?
What?
You just grabbed something
from the table.
I did not.
Yes, you did.
I saw you.
You put it
in your mouth.
I think
it was an insect.
Oh, that was
a raspberry.
Raspberry?
We're not serving
raspberries.
It must have
been a raisin.
Yes, it fell off
the muffin.
There. Seems to be
one missing.
It's missing.
A raisin, of course.
Yes...
How extraordinary.
How silly of me.
Must've been
my imagination...
There. You did it again.
Renfield: what?
You...you...you just put
a bug in your mouth.
I...i...i think it
was a spider.
I did not.
Yes, you did.
I did not.
I tell you
I saw you
snatch a spider
Right out of the air
and eat it!
A spider?
How absurd.
Seward: huh.
What?
Oh.
Dropped my fork.
Dropped it?
You flung it.
What's the matter with you?
I don't under...
Mr. Renfield, what are
you doing down there?
What...
what are you...
Renfield: fork found!
This is most unseemly.
I don't think i...
Sorry for the delay.
My god, man.
You're eating insects
right from the ground.
What makes you
say that?
Because i can see one trying
to get out of your mouth!
Out of my mouth?
Yes, out of your mouth.
Your very own mouth.
It's wriggling about!
Don't be ridiculous.
Wriggling?
I'm not ridiculous at all!
It's wriggling
all over the place!
Poor thing is
fighting for its life!
I don't know what
you're talking about.
If you insist on
ranting like this,
I'm going to leave.
Me ranting?
You're the ranter!
Hello,
little darling.
Don't be afraid.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, he's cracking.
I won't hurt you.
All i want is your life!
No!
Martin!
Ha ha ha!
Put him in
a straitjacket
And give him
an enema.
Wait!
Give him an enema first.
Then put him
in a straitjacket.
Yes, sir.
Lives! Lives!
Oh, lucy, you lazy girl.
It's past 10:00.
The horses are saddled
and waiting.
Ohh.
Mina, i don't think
i could put a foot
Out of bed today.
Had such
horrid dreams.
I feel
completely drained.
Darling,
you're dreadfully pale.
You look
absolutely peaked.
Perhaps father should
have a look at you?
Yes, perhaps.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Father...
yes?
It's lucy.
What's the matter
with her?
Well, i don't know.
She's frightfully
pale and wan.
Pale? Wan?I'd best have a look.
Ohh.
I've given you
some laudanum, dear.
It'll help you sleep.
I see no sign
of infection.
Are you sure
you don't remember
Where these marks
came from?
Jonathan: an insect?
Perhaps a spider?
Do you recall
being bitten?
No.
But i had a dream.
Oh, yes?
What about
that dream?
I remember nothing.
She's asleep.
I must confess,
i'm completely confounded.
I'm going to take
the liberty
Of contacting professor
abraham van helsing.
Van helsing?
I thought he was some sort of
metaphysician and philosopher?
He's also
a medical doctor,
Knows more about
obscure diseases
Than anyone
in the world.
He may be the only
man who can help us.
Oh, yes.
Contact him, father.
Contact him
straightaway.
Yes.
Van helsing, germanic accent:
gentlemen,
You are about to observe
your first autopsy.
It is not unusual
For some members
of the freshmen class
To feel a bit faint
during this procedure.
So this is where
we begin to separate
Our future physicians
From those who
just want to play doctor.
Now, first things first.
We uncover the corpse.
Ohh!
We make an incision
from the groin...
To the upper chest cavity.
Ohh!
There.
Ohh!
Now, as i open
the abdominal wall,
You will observe
that the organs have gone
From a nice, healthy pink
To a disgusting green.
Ohh!
Ohh!
We must check the intestines
for pathological clues.
So...
Ah! Here!
Pass it along.
Don't worry.
There's plenty to go around.
Ohh!
Well...
No one seems
to be standing.
Hello!
I'm still standing,
professor van helsing.
Hm!
Ah, woodbridge,
right?
Mm-Hmm.
Come closer,
woodbridge.
Good for you.
Stout fellow.
Why don't we have
a look at the brain?
Huh?
Mm-Hmm.
First, we crack
open the skull.
So...
Behold the naked
human brain.
Examine it.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ohh!
So, a good morning's work.
Come!
Oh, professor.
10 out of 10.
Ja.
I still got it!
Well, i have a message
for you from dr. Seward.
A message from dr. Seward?
What does he say?
He wants you to come
to whitby immediately.
It's an emergency.
An emerrrrrgency?
Mm-Hmm.
Yes, sir.
An emerrrrrgency.
Hmm.
I am awake.
I am awake
during the daytime?
What is happening?
I cannot be up during the daylight.
Ah.
It must be the young blood
from miss lucy.
Her blood is still
in my system.
Is it possible
she has cured me?
Yes!
I am cured.
Now i can be up
night and day!
It is so bright.
So many colors.
And the sun is so warm!
Hello, young lovers.
I could not help
but smell your lovely picnic.
Could i presume to ask you
for a piece of your chicken?
Surely, sir.
Some wine, sir?
I never drink...wine.
Oh, what the hell.
Let me try it.
Ahh.
It's good!
Master!
Master!
Renfield, look at me.
I'm drinking wine
and eating chicken.
Master,
what are you doing out in the daytime?
Relax, renfield.
I am cured!
No.
No, you're not.
Look.
Ohh!
I...made...a mistake.
I've got to get back
to my coffin.
It's nighttime.
It wasn't real.
I was having a daymare.
Hmm.
3 tiny puncture marks
on her throat.
3?
2.
2 tiny puncture marks
on her throat.
What does it mean,
professor?
Gentlemen...
What i am about to say
Will shake
the very foundation
Of every medical precept
you hold dear.
We have entered the realm
Of the supernatural.
The supernatural?
Realm
of the supernatural?
Ja!
Lucy has been attacked
By a creature
that rises from its grave
And sucks the blood
of the living
In order to prolong
its own unholy existence.
What we are dealing
with here is...
A vampire!
Vampire?
Vampire?
What are you saying?
I'm saying, "vampire."
But, professor,modern
sciencedoes not admit
To such
a fanciful creature.
Modern science,
pish posh.
She has lost a great deal of blood,
ja?
Ja.
Well, look.
Look.
Where did all
the blood go?
Look at the sheet,
the pillowcase,
Her nightgown.
Do you see anything?
How does your modern
science explain zhat?
Can you
explain zhat?
I can't explain zhat.
No one can
explain zhat!
Are you asking us
to believe
That some creature
just flew in
Through that window,
bit lucy on the neck,
And drank of her blood?
Exactly.
And tonight,
The foul thing
will return.
It will sup on
her life's fluid
Until it has
drained her
Of every last drop.
Van helsing:
and if she dies
A victim of
this unspeakable creature,
She will become one herself.
What?
What?
She will become one herself.
What can we do to protect
her from this fiend?
Seward!
Yes?
Do you have any books
on the occult?
They're right here.
Do you have
transylvanian folklore?
No.
Do you have the theory
and the theology
Of the evil undead?
No.
Do you have
the vampires of prague?
No!
Do you have
nosferatu?
Yes, we have nosferatu.
We have nosferatu today.
It just came in the post.
Ah. Here, give it.
Here.
Ja. Ja. Ja.
Here!
There is a way
to protect her.
How?
"The creature is
repelled by garlic.
"Its purifying effect
is anathema
To the tainted soul
of the vampire."
Oh!
Ohh.
I must move the coffin
Or the chandelier.
We've brought you
down here
So you'll be closer
to us, my dear.
Seward:
we'll be just down the hall in the study.
You must get
a good night's rest
To regain your strength,
my dear.
It's the only way
to improve your health.
Would an enema help?
Come, come.
We must go.
Sleep well, miss lucy.
The garlic will
protect you.
Ohh.
Whoooo!
Garlic!
Blah!
Renfield.
Renfield.
Master?
It is time for you
to serve your master.
Come.
Yes, master.
Those meddling idiots.
They want to prevent me
From entering
miss lucy's bedroom.
I want to take...
W-Wai...uh, wait,
master.
All right.
I'm listening.
They have placed
garlands of garlic
Around her room.
What can i do, master?
I can't leave this cell.
Do you imagine i could not take
you out of here if i wish...
That these pathetic bars
could stop me?
Wait, master.
I'm getting such a headache.
How dare they try
to match wits with me?
Me, who has commanded the forces
of darkness.
Me, who has called forth
the demons of the night
To do my bidding.
Me, who has destroyed
every enemy
Down through
the centuries.
Waaah!
Renfield,
i'm talking to you.
Sorry, master.
Come.
We have much to do and
less time to do it in.
Renfield, hurry.
Uhh...unh!
Renfield,
i meant for you
To use the drainpipe.
I fly. You don't.
Oh, yes, of course.
Come.
He flies. I don't.
Ohh...
Heh...heh...heh...heh.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Renfield, you idiot.
Grab him, harker!
Aah! I am weak!
I am weak!
I strayed!
What did he do?
I caught him
lifting up the sheets
And looking at me!
Ugh! Nothing but
a filthy pervert, eh?
Martin!
There you are!
Take him back
to his cell
And give him
a you-Know-What.
No! No!
Not another enema!
Yes, another
and another!
Until you come
to your senses!
I'll close the window.
Yes, yes.
Good lad.
Are you all right,
dear?
Oh, yes, i'm fine,
dr. Seward,
Apart from this
ghastly garlic.
I'm sorry, dear,
but van helsing insists.
Ohh, lord!
Lucy...
I command you...
Open the window.
Come!
Get in there,
you stupid degenerate!
I didn't see anything!
I didn't see anything!
I saw everything.
Aah!
It's lucy.
Someone was attacking her!
Wait here.
How is she?
She's dead.
Dead?
The vampire has taken
all of her blood.
I told her not to leave
the safety of the garlic.
No! No, no, no!
It's absolutely absurd.
I tell you, we must drive a
wooden stake through her heart,
Or else she will rise
from her grave
To seek the blood
of the living!
Lucy was my ward.
I won't permit you
to desecrate her body
In such a vile manner.
It's...
it's sacrilegious.
But dr. Seward,
shouldn't we at least
Stand guard over lucy's grave,
just to make sure?
No. I'm having serious doubts
about this whole vampire theory.
For heaven's sake,
who in all of england,
By the very furthest stretch
of the imagination,
Could possibly
be a vampire?
Count dracula.
Well, maybe him.
Ahem.
What?
Hoo hoo.
What are you hoo-Hooing about?
Oh! Oh,
count dracula.
We were just
talking about you.
Favorably, of course.
Forgive my interruption,
but i was just made aware
Of the unfortunate passing
of miss lucy.
I wish to offer
my condolences.
Thank you. We're all
very distraught.
Yes. Oh, count dracula,
Allow me to introduce
professor abraham van helsing
Of london university.
He's a doctor
of rare diseases,
As well as theology
and philosophy.
And gynecology.
Oh, i didn't know you had your hand in that,
too.
Van helsing...
a name we know
Even in the wilds
of transylvania.
Count dracula.
Hmm, curious.
Are you descended
from vlad tepes,
The first dracula?
Tepes?
Ja. It means
"the impaler."
He was
a bloodthirsty butcher
Who inflicted unspeakable
tortures on the peasants,
Cutting off
their hands and feet,
Gouging out their eyes,
And then impaling them
on iron spikes.
They had it coming.
Uhh! What could
they possibly have done
To deserve such barbaric
and inhuman treatment?
Yes.
We have a saying
in the old country.
They also said...
I'm very impressed,
van helsing.
You speak
the ancient moldavian.
Well, gentlemen,
i will take my...
...leave.
I see, van helsing,
you are a man
Who likes to have
the last word.
I will not be drawn into
such a childish exercise.
Ha ha! It is
immaterial to me
Who has the last word.
It is getting late.
We'll carry on this
conversation at another time.
Good night.
Such arrogance. Heh.
It is easy to see
why the decadent aristocracy
Is dying out
in that part of the world.
Gentlemen,
our work is not done.
The vampire
is still among us.
You must remember,
he is cunning.
He has the wisdom
of centuries.
And above all,
he will never give up.
Ugh! That man!
He never gives up!
Never gives up.
Harker: what are you
thinking, professor?
When did count dracula
move in?
About a month ago.
And when did miss lucy's
symptoms first appear?
About the same time.
Are you saying that count
dracula is our vampire?
Yes!
And no.
Then what
are you saying?
I'm saying no...
But i'm leaning
towards yes.
Then you're
saying yes.
No.
Then it's no.
Not necessarily.
You sound dubious.
No, i'm positive.
Of what?
My theory!
And that would be?
The theory of yes...
Or no.
Good night, sweet lady.
May angels' voices
sing thee to thy rest.
Lucy: help me.
What's that?
Lucy: help me.
It's so dark in here.
Who's in there?
I'm alive.
They've buried me alive.
Saints preserve us.
Don't worry, miss.
I'm comin'.
Oh, my god.
They made a mistake,
A...a terrible mistake.
Oh, please help me.
I'm so very cold.
You'll be all right.
You're alive.
Aah!
I say, jonathan,
What are you doing?
Just for tonight,
I'm going to stand guard
at lucy's grave,
As the professor
suggested.
Surely you don't believe
this vampire business.
Oh, i don't know
what i believe.
But on the odd chance
that van helsing is right,
I should never
forgive myself
If i didn't make sure.
All right, all right.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
But i think
you're wasting your time.
Heh. Poppycock.
Aah!
Gott in himmel!
Lucy, singsong:
jonathan...
Lucy: jonathan...
Lucy?
Oh, come away
with me, jonathan.
I know you've always
wanted me...
And i've
always wanted you.
Finally,
we can be together.
But, lucy,
i'm engaged to mina.
And you're dead.
I'm not dead.
I'm undead.
Yes, well,
i'm not unengaged.
Thank you.
Jonathan,
let me kiss you.
Let me show you
the deep, raw passion
Of unbridled
sexual frenzy.
Uh, but, lucy...
I'm british.
But so are these!
Lucy!
Uh huh huh huh!
Uhh!
Now we can be together,
Forever.
Van helsing: back!
Back, unholy demon
of the night.
After her!
This is our chance!
For what?
To destroy her,
my boy.
She's retreated
to her crypt. Come!
My god.
Now she's dead.
No, she's not.
She's alive?
She's nosferatu.
She's italian?
No. It means
"the undead."
She's cursed to spend
eternity in misery,
Hunting the living
like a wild animal.
What should we do?
For the sake
of her eternal soul,
We must destroy her.
The only way is to drive
a wooden stake...
Through her heart!
Oh, that's horrible.
Is there
no other way?
One other.
We could
cut off her head,
Stuff her mouth
with garlic,
And tear off
her ears.
Give me the stake.
Ok.
Oh, no.
No, i can't do it.
You...you do it.
It must be done by one
who loved her in life.
I only liked her.
Close enough. Here.
Good boy.
All right.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Here.
Now place the point
of the stake
Directly
over her heart.
Right.
And hit as hard
as you can.
Wait!
Now!
Ohh, my...god!
There's so much blood!
She just ate!
Uhh!
She's still alive.
Hit her again!
No, no. I can't.
How much blood
can she have left?
Ohh...
Go.
Uh huh huh.
Uh huh. Uhh...
She's almost dead.
She's dead enough.
Ohh.
Oh, this is...
this is ghastly.
Yes, you're right.
We should have
put newspapers down.
Ohh. Oh,
what have i done?
What have i done
to poor lucy?
You have released her,
my boy.
Now she sleeps
in peace...
Forever.
Here. Here.
Clean yourself up.
Thank you.
Oh, poor lucy.
Poor, poor lucy.
Oh. Here.
Keep it.
Essie...
Your eyelids
are growing heavy.
You will sleep.
Sleep.
Mina...
Mina, open your eyes.
Arise, mina.
Walk to the door.
Mina, you are
in the closet.
Open the door...
And come out.
Now walk
to the terrace door.
Watch out
for the foot...
Stool.
Stand up.
Not you. Sit.
No, not you.
You sit.
You stand.
No, sit.
No, you stand.
You walk
to the terrace door,
And you
go back to sleep.
Watch out!
Ohh!
Wait.
I'm coming.
Turn out the lights
So no one
will see me.
You will be my bride
throughout eternity.
We'll share the endless
passion of immortal love.
Oh, i can't wait!
Not you!
You will be my bride
throughout eternity.
We'll share the endless
passion of immortal love.
Van helsing: oh, my boy.
Such a night.
Oh, such a night! Oh!
My god, man! What's
happened to you?
Everything.
Professor van helsing was absolutely right.
Lucy rose from her grave
and attacked me.
And now...
At last...
She sleeps in peace.
You mean lucy actually
became a vampire?
Yes.
Ja.
Where's mina?
Oh, she's all right,
fast asleep.
Essie is
sitting watch over her.
Good. I'll just
sit watch myself
In front of
her door, then.
Uh, uh, don't you
think you ought to
Get cleaned up
first, old boy?
Oh, yes, quite right.
Uh,
do you mind using the servants' entrance?
There's a good
chap.
I don't understand it.
He's covered with blood,
And there's not
a drop on you. Why?
I have been to many,
many stakings.
You have to know
where to stand.
You know,
everything in life
Is location,
location, location.
And now we shall do
the dance of love.
Ah!
You're good!
Hey, stop it!
Oh, no hickeys! Oh!
Oh! Ohh!
Mina?
Ohh!
Oh...jonathan!
Shh!
Shouldn't we
rouse her?
Yes, perhaps
you're right. Essie?
Oh! Oh, i must've
dropped off.
Good gracious!
It's morning!
One moment, i was
on guard wide awake,
And the next,
i felt like...
A dark cloud
came over me.
Are you all right?
Oh, fine. Here we are,
then, safe and sound.
It's getting on.
I best see to breakfast.
Ow!
Where'd that come from?
Heh heh heh!
Jonathan, i had
The most extraordinary dreams
last night.
I feel so...different.
You...
look different, mina.
Ohh. Come.
Sit with me.
Closer.
Ahem.
Closer,
you silly boy!
Darling, we know
each other so well,
And yet we've
never really...
Explored each other.
Thank god.
Jonathan,
i've changed.
I'm not the mina
you knew.
What do you mean, dearest?
I want you
to do something for me,
Something that i have
never asked you before.
Of course, my dear.
Anything.
Good. Touch this.
Don't mind if i d...hey!
Mina! What are you saying?!
All right, you don't
have to touch anything.
I'll touch you.
No!
Mina...stop this
immediately!
What's come over you?
I'm leaving.
No, please don't go!
You're right.
You're right.
Something is wrong with me,
And it's...it's
taking over my mind
And forcing me to say
things i would never say
And do things
i would never do.
Jonathan, please help me.
Please help me!
Oh, mina, mina, yes.
Anything! What can i do?
Touch this!
Oh!
Good morning, mina!
How did you slee...harker!
Oh, oh...
Jonathan, take
your hands off me!
Yes, yes, take
your hands off her!
Uh, uh, sorry, sir.
You should be ashamed
of yourself!
But she made me do it.
Is that right, mina?
No, father.
Suddenly, without
any reason at all,
He laid
his hands on me.
Ooh, she told me
to touch it!
Harker,
you're a degenerate!
I take you into my home,
You eat my food,
you drink my wine,
But that's not enough
for you! Oh, no!
After being engaged to my
daughter for only 5 years,
You have the audacity
to...touch her!
Get out!
But, sir...
out, i say.
What is
happening here?
Terrible doings!
Found young harker here with
his hands all over my daughter.
But she
forced me to, sir.
She's been behaving
rather strangely.
It's as through she's been
under some sort of a...spell.
Spell?
That's a very lovely scarf you're wearing,
miss mina.
Oh! Yes, i felt
chilly this morning.
Hmm. Excuse me.
May i have...a look?
Just as i thought!
Like...
like lucy!
Oh, no, it's nothing!
I accidentally did it while
i was pinning a shawl.
Oh, really?
I have something
for you, miss mina.
A present?
Sort of. Hold out
your hand. Here.
Aah!
Mina!
Here. Look!
What is that?
It is proof,
my unfortunate friend,
That your daughter
has been corrupted
By the evil
of a vampire.
We must find
this vampire
Before mina meets
the same fate as lucy!
But who is the vampire?
Van helsing suspects
count dracula.
It could
also be renfield.
The man drinks
the blood of insects
And bent the bars of his
cell like they were cheese.
It could be anyone.
There is a way,
An indisputable way,
To reveal the vampire.
I'm going along with you
on this, van helsing,
But i think this ball
is in extremely bad taste.
Lucy dead
less than a fortnight
And mina's health
hanging in the balance.
The ball's been in
progress for over an hour.
It appears as if count
dracula isn't coming.
I hope you're wrong,
my boy.
I especially wanted to see
count dracula tonight.
I wonder if he
suspects something,
Good evening.
All: aah!
Did i
startle you?
No! No, no, no!
No!
Not at all!
It's quite all right!
Servant: may i take
your cape, sir?
No, not my cape.
You may take my hat.
Thank you.
Yes,
we were afraid
You wouldn't
show up.
I would not miss
your gala.
I always keep
my nights open
For new experiences.
Ah!
Miss mina looks especially
lovely tonight.
Would you be
insanely jealous
If i should ask
her to dance?
Well, to be
perfectly frank...
Not at all.
Thank you.
Ow.
Psst! Master,
you're here!
You're here...
shh!
Do not call me "master."
What are you doing here?
I don't know.
They invited me.
I smell a rat.
Where?
Renfield!
If i am discovered,
we must flee.
Yes. I'll escape.
I'll meet you at carfax...
No. That would be
too dangerous.
They will search
there first.
I have moved my coffin
to the abandoned chapel
At the top of the cliffs.
When you come, make sure
you're not being followed.
Do you understand?
Yes, master.
Do not call me "master!"
Yes, ma...mmm!
Man: yes, splendid!
Bravo!
Good evening,
miss mina.
May i have
the next dance?
I beg
your pardon, sir.
Can't you see i'm having
a drink with miss mina?
You have finished
your drink.
So i have.
Come, miss mina.
Martin!
Right!
Van helsing: now!
Huh?
Seward: i can't see him!
H-How can this be?
The vampire casts
no reflection
In a mirror.
She's doing quite well without him,
isn't she?
Oh, look!
Look in the mirror!
Do you see that?
Hey, we must be good!
Let's really give them
something to watch!
Play the czardas!
Czardas!
Guests: oh!
Huh?!
Ohh!
They're loving it!
Oh!
Come on!
Big finish!
Guests: oh!
You are a very wise man,
van helsing,
For someone
who has yet to live
A single lifetime!
Ohh!
Ohh!
Mina!
Get him!
Master! Master!
I mean, mister! Mister!
Give it up, you!
Aah!
Where do you think
you're going?
Professor!
We must find them
before sunrise!
Why before
sunrise?
Because the rays of the
sun will destroy him.
He must hide during
the daylight hours.
Come, or miss mina will be
lost to us forever. Come.
Come along,
old fly-Eater.
We've searched carfax abbey
from top to bottom.
There's no trace of him.
What can we do,
professor?
Where could he be?
I don't know.
Renfield.
We must release
renfield.
He is our only hope.
He called dracula
master!
I thought he said, "mister."
That was only a ruse
To fool
the feeble-Minded.
No offense.
I understand.
Renfield will go
straight to dracula.
Ja.
And we
will follow.
This way.
You'll stay here
till you rot.
Aah!
Well, you're free to go.
Free to go?
Why? How?
Good behavior.
But i've only been
in here for a moment.
Well, for that moment,
Your behavior
was very good.
Ohh.
Let's go.
Watch your step.
I'm coming, master!
Uh uhn.
I know what
they're up to.
They think i'll lead them
to the master.
I must outsmart them.
Lost 'em.
Gentlemen,
we are fortunate.
Why?
He's an imbecile. Come.
Ha ha ha ha!
Master, i'm here!
Renfield. Are you sure
you were not followed here?
No. I led them
in the wrong direction.
They have no idea
where i am.
Seward: he went
into the chapel! Hurry!
You have led them
right to me,
You stupid nincompoop.
I didn't know!
I'm sorry, master.
Punish me!
No. No, go.
Lead them away.
I don't have any time.
No! You must
punish me!
Hurt me!
I deserve it!
Not now!
But i failed you,
master!
I'm a useless,
pitiful fool
Who has betrayed you!
You must hurt me!
All right!
Good, master.
Good. Good.
Ok. That's enough.
Aah!
Eee! Aii! Oww!
Ooh!
Why?
Up there!
Ohh!
Aii! Nnnn ooh!
Unh! It's locked!
We must
break it open!
Put your weight
into it.
Doctor.
Count.
Good, good.
Van helsing:
put your weight into it!
They are too late.
Soon you will be
my bride for eternity.
Good.
Keep it up!
Harder!
Van helsing:
the hinge is on its way!
Ein!
Zwei!
Drei!
Aah!
Ohh!
Jonathan, duck!
Oof!
Aah!
Back!
Aah!
Jonathan,
get that stake!
A sharp
wooden stick!
Anything!
Back!
Good! Good.
Now drive it
through his heart!
Uh-Oh!
Arrggh!
Van helsing:
look out!
Ha ha ha ha!
Arrogant mortal.
You are in my world now,
And you will never
leave this attic alive.
I will destroy you,
And then i will possess
she whom you love the most.
And there is not
a single thing in the world
You can do to stop me.
Ha ha ha...
Ow!
Aah!
For that, you will watch
While with your
beloved mina,
I consummate
our marriage.
Aah!
Ow! Oww!
Aah! Ooh ooh!
Aah!
Grab him!
He's getting away!
Grab him!
Where is he?
Where did he go?
Jonathan: he's up there.
We must catch him,
Or else all is lost.
Master.
This way!
Aah! Aah!
Renfield, you asshole!
Ohh.
Oh!
Where am i?
What's happened
to dracula?
He's dead.
Ja.
And you're free.
Oh, thank god.
You're my own sweet,
innocent mina again.
Oh, and i have you,
my darling jonathan,
To thank for it.
And now, my dearest...
Let me take you home.
Master.
I'm sorry!
Forgive me.
There. You're starting to look
like your old self again.
Your master is gone
forever, mr. Renfield.
You are
your own man now.
I am?
Yes. No one will ever
control you again.
You're right.
Good.
Come, renfield.
Yes, master.
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