Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) - full transcript

[Wind blowing]

"Narrator". For more than a year, ominous
rumors had been privately circulating

among high-level
western leaders

that the Soviet union had been at
work on what was darkly hinted to be

the ultimate weapon:
A doomsday device.

Intelligence sources traced the site
of the top-secret Russian project

to the perpetually
fog-shrouded wasteland

below the arctic peaks
of the zhokhov islands.

Below the arctic peaks
of the zhokhov islands.

What they were building,

or why it should be located in
such a remote and desolate place,



no one could say.

[iii]

[Jet engine roaring]

[Buzzing]

General ripper, sir. Group
captain mandrake speaking.

This is general ripper
speaking. Yes, sir.

Do you recognize my
voice, mandrake?

I do, sir. Why do you ask?

Why do you think I ask?

Well, I don't know, sir. We spoke just a
few moments ago on the phone, didn't we?

You don't think I'd ask if you recognize my voice unless
it was pretty damned important, do you, mandrake?

No, I don't, sir, no.

All right. Let's see if
we can stay on the ball.

Has the wing confirmed holding
at their fail-safe points?



Yes, sir. The confirmations
have all just come in.

Very well. Now, listen
to me carefully.

The base is being put
on condition red.

I want this flashed to all
sections immediately.

Condition red, sir, yes. Jolly good
idea. Keeps the men on their toes.

Group captain, I'm afraid
this is not an exercise.

Not an exercise, sir?

I shouldn't tell you this, mandrake, but you're
a good officer and you have a right to know.

It looks like we're
in a shooting war.

Oh, hell.

Are the Russians involved, sir?
Mandrake, that's all I've been told.

It just came in on the red phone. My orders
are for this base to be sealed tight,

and that's what I mean
to do, seal it tight.

Now, I want you to
transmit plan r,

r for Robert, to the wing.

Plan r for Robert.
Ls it that bad, sir?

Looks like it's pretty
hairy. Yes, sir.

Plan r for Robert, sir.

Now, last, and possibly
most important,

I want all privately-owned radios
to be immediately impounded.

Yes, sir.

They might be used to issue
instructions to saboteurs.

As I have previously arranged, air
police will have lists of all owners.

And I want every single one of
them collected without exception.

Yes, sir.

And after you've done
that, report back to me.

Yes, sir.

[Siren wailing]

"Narrator". In order to guard
against surprise nuclear attack,

America's strategic air command,

that maintains a large
force of b-52 bombers

airborne 24 hours a day.

Each b-52 can deliver a nuclear
bomb load of 50 megatons,

equal to 16 times the total explosive
force of all the bombs and shells

used by all the armies
in world war ii.

Based in America, the
airborne alert force

is deployed from the persian
Gulf to the arctic ocean.

But they have one geographical
factor in common:

They are all two hours from
their targets inside Russia.

[Beeping]

Major Kong, I know you'll
think this is crazy,

but I just got a message
from base over the crm 114.

It decodes as wing attack
plan r. R for Romeo.

Goldie, did you say
wing attack plan r?

Goldie, did you say
wing attack plan r?

Yes, sir, I have.

Goldie, how many times
have I told you guys

that I don't want no horsing
around on the airplane?

I'm not horsing around,
sir, that's how it decodes.

Well, I've been to one world
fair, a picnic and a rodeo,

and that's the stupidest thing I ever
heard come over a set of earphones.

You sure you got today's code?

Yes, sir, it is.

Ah, there's just gotta
be something wrong.

Wait a second, I'm coming back.

Maybe you'd better get a
confirmation from base.

Yes, sir.

Major Kong, is it possible this is
some kind of loyalty test? You know,

give the go code and then recall
to see who would actually go?

There ain't nobody ever
got the go code yet.

There ain't nobody ever
got the go code yet.

And old ripper wouldn't
be giving us plan r

unless them russkies had
already clobbered Washington

and a lot of other towns
with a sneak attack.

Yes, sir.

Major Kong, message
from base confirmed.

[iii]

Well, boys, I reckon this is it.

Nuclear combat toe-to-toe
with the russkies.

[iii]

[iii]

Now, look, boys, I ain't much
of a hand at making speeches.

But I got a pretty fair idea
that something doggone important

is going on back there.

Now, I've got a fair idea of
the kind of personal emotions

that some of you fellows
may be thinking.

Heck, I reckon you wouldn't
even be human beings

if you didn't have some pretty strong
personal feelings about nuclear combat.

But I want you to
remember one thing:

That folks back home
is counting on you,

and by golly, we ain't
about to let them down.

Tell you something else.

If this thing turns out to be half as
important as I figure it just might be,

I'd say that you're all in line
for some important promotions

and personal citations when
this thing's over with.

And that goes for every
last one of you,

regardless of your race,
color or your creed.

Now, let's get this thing on the
hump. We got some flying to do.

[Phone ringing]

Buck, should I get it?

Man: Yeah, you have to.

Hello?

Yes, general turgidson is here, but I'm afraid
he can't come to the phone at the moment.

Well, this is his
secretary, miss Scott.

Freddie, how are you?

Fine, and you?

Oh, we were just catching up on
some of the general's paperwork.

Well, look, Freddie, he's
very tied up at the moment.

I'm afraid he can't
come to the phone.

Well, just a minute.

General turgidson, a
colonel puntrich calling.

Tell him to call back.

Freddie, the general says could
you call back in a minute or two?

Oh. He says it can't wait.

Ah, for Pete's...
Find out what he wants.

Freddie, the thing is, the general
is in the powder room right now.

Could you tell me
what it's about?

Just a second.

Apparently they monitored a
transmission about eight minutes ago

from burpelson air force base.

Right. It was directed to the 843rd
bomb wing on airborne alert.

It decoded as wing
attack plan r.

Well, tell him to call whats-his-name,
the base commander. Ripper.

Do I have to think of
everything around...?

The general suggests you call general
ripper, the 843rd base commander.

Oh. All communications
are dead.

Bull! Tell him to
do it himself.

Freddie, the general asks if you
could possibly try again yourself.

I see. He says he's tried personally
several times, but everything is dead.

Even the normal phone
lines are shut down.

[Turgidson grunts]

Fred? Buck. What's
it look like?

Yeah?

Well, are you sure it's plan r?

Huh. What's cooking on the threat
board? Nothing? Nothing at all?

I don't like the
look of this, Fred.

All right. Tell you what
you better do, old buddy.

You better give elmo and Charlie a blast.
Bump everything up to condition red.

And stand by the blower.
I'll get back to you.

What's up? Nothing, nothing.

Where's my shorts? On the
floor. Where are you going?

No place. No place.

I just thought I might mosey over to the war room
for a few minutes, see what's doing over there.

It's 3:00 in the morning.

The air force never sleeps.

Buck, honey, I'm not
sleepy either.

I know how it is, baby.

Tell you what you do.

You just start your countdown,
and old bucky will be back here

before you can say, "blastoff!"

Ripper [Over loudspeaker]: Your commie has
no regard for human life, not even his own.

And for this reason, men, I
want to impress upon you

the need for extreme
watchfulness.

The enemy may come individually
or he may come in strength.

He may even come in the
uniform of our own troops.

But however he comes,
we must stop him.

We must not allow him to
gain entrance to this base.

Now, I am going to give
you three simple rules.

First: Trust no one, whatever
his uniform or rank,

unless he is known
to you personally.

Second: Anyone or anything

that approaches within 200 yards of
the perimeter is to be fired upon.

Third: If in doubt, shoot first
and ask questions afterwards.

I would sooner accept a few
casualties through accident

than lose the entire base and its
personnel through carelessness.

Any variation on these rules
must come from me personally.

Now, men, in conclusion,

I would like to say
that in the two years

it has been my privilege to
be your commanding officer,

I have always expected
the best from you,

and you have never given me
anything less than that.

[Music plays on radio]

Today the nation
is counting on us.

We are not going
to let them down.

Good luck to you all.

[iii]

[iii]

Here's the attack profile, sir.

This is your attack profile.

"To ensure that the enemy cannot
monitor voice transmission"

or plant false transmission,

the crm 114 is to be switched
into all the receiver circuits.

The emergency base code
prefix is to be set

on the dials of the crm.

This will block any transmission other
than those preceded by a code prefix.

Stand by to set code prefix.

Roger. Ready to set code prefix.

Set code prefix.

Goldie: Code prefix
set. Lock code prefix.

Code prefix locked.

Switch all receiver circuits
to crm discriminators.

All circuits switched
to crm discriminators.

Check auto-destruct circuits.

[Buzzes]

Auto-destruct circuits checked.

Primary target: The
icbm complex at laputa.

Target reference:
Yankee-golf-tango, 360.

Thirty-megaton nuclear device fused
for air burst at 10,000 feet.

Twenty-megaton nuclear device will
be used if first malfunctions.

Otherwise, proceed
to secondary target:

Missile complex seven
miles east of borchov.

Target reference:
November-bravo-X-ray,

108.

Fused air burst at 10...
Check, 12,000 feet.

[Popular music playing on radio]

Excuse me, sir. Something rather
interesting has just cropped up.

Listen to that. Music.
Civilian broadcasting.

I think those fellows in the Pentagon have given
us some sort of exercise to test our readiness.

Personally, I think it's
taking things a bit too far.

Our fellows will be inside Russian
radar cover in about 20 minutes.

Listen to that. Chock-a-block full
of stations, all churning it out.

Mandrake? Yes, sir?

I thought I issued instructions for all
radios on this base to be impounded.

Well, you did indeed, sir, and I was in the process of
impounding this very one when I had to switch it on.

I thought to myself, our fellows hitting Russian
radar cover in 20 minutes, dropping all their stuff,

I'd better tell you. Because if they
do, it'll cause a bit of a stink.

Group captain, the
officer-exchange program

does not give you any special
prerogatives to question my orders.

I realize that, sir, but I thought you'd
be rather pleased to hear the news.

I mean, after all...
Well, let's face it.

We don't want to start a nuclear war
unless we really have to, do we?

Please sit down. And
turn that thing off.

Yes, sir. [Music stops]

What about the planes? Surely we must
issue the recall code immediately.

Group captain, the planes
are not gonna be recalled.

My attack orders have been
issued and the orders stand.

Well, if you'll excuse me saying so, sir, that
would be, to my way of thinking, rather...

Well, rather an odd
way of looking at it.

You see, if a Russian
attack was in progress,

we would certainly not be
hearing civilian broadcasting.

Are you certain of that, mandrake?
I'm absolutely positive.

And what if it is true?

I'm afraid I'm still not with
you, sir, because, I mean...

If a Russian attack
was not in progress,

then your use of plan r-in fact,
your orders to the entire wing...

Yeah.

I would say, sir, that there was
something dreadfully wrong somewhere.

Now, why don't you just take
it easy, group captain.

And please make me a drink of
grain alcohol and rainwater

and help yourself to
whatever you'd like.

General ripper, sir, as an officer
in her majesty's air force,

it is my clear duty under
the present circumstances,

to issue the recall code upon my own
authority and bring back the wing.

If you'll excuse me, sir.

I'm afraid, sir, I must ask you for the key and
the recall code. Have you got them handy, sir?

I told you to take it
easy, group captain.

There's nothing anybody can
do about this thing now.

I'm the only person who knows
the three-letter code group.

Then I must insist, sir,
that you give them to me!

Do I take it, sir, that you are
threatening a brother officer with a gun?

Mandrake, I suppose it
never occurred to you

that while we're chatting
here so enjoyably,

a decision is being
made by the president

and the joint chiefs in the
war room at the Pentagon.

And when they realize there is no
possibility of recalling the wing,

there will be only one
course of action open:

Total commitment.

Mandrake, do you recall what
clemenceau once said about war?

No, I don't think
I do, sir. No.

He said war was too important
to be left to the generals.

When he said that, 50 years ago,

when he said that, 50 years ago,

he might have been right.

But today,

war is too important to
be left to politicians.

They have neither the
time, the training

nor the inclination for
strategic thought.

I can no longer sit
back and allow

communist infiltration,
communist indoctrination,

communist subversion

and the international
communist conspiracy

to sap and impurify

all of our precious
bodily fluids.

President: Staines,
is everybody here?

Staines: Mr. president, the
secretary of state is in Vietnam.

The secretary of defense is in Laos, and
the vice president is in Mexico City.

We can establish contact with them
at any time, if it's necessary.

The undersecretaries are
all here, of course.

Right. Now, general turgidson,
what's going on here?

Ahem. Mr. president,

about 35 minutes ago,

general Jack ripper,
the commanding general

general Jack ripper,
the commanding general

of burpelson air force base,

issued an order to the
34 b-52s of his wing,

which were airborne at the time,

as part of a special exercise we were
holding called operation dropkick.

Now, it appears that the
order called for the planes

to, urn, attack their
targets inside Russia.

[Chattering]

Turgidson: The planes are fully
armed with nuclear weapons

with an average load
of 40 megatons each.

Now, the central display of Russia will
indicate the position of the planes.

The triangles are their
primary targets.

The squares are their
secondary targets.

The aircraft will begin penetrating
Russian radar cover within 25 minutes.

General turgidson, I find this
very difficult to understand.

I was under the impression that
I was the only one in authority

to order the use of
nuclear weapons.

That's right, sir. You are the
only person authorized to do so.

And although I hate to judge
before all the facts are in,

it's beginning to look like general
ripper exceeded his authority.

It certainly does. Far beyond the
point I would have imagined possible.

Well, perhaps you're forgetting
the provisions of plan r, sir.

Plan r?

Plan r is an emergency war plan

in which a lower-Echelon
commander may order

nuclear retaliation
after a sneak attack,

if the normal chain of
command has been disrupted.

You approved it, sir.
You must remember.

Surely you must recall,
sir, when senator beaufort

made that big hassle about our
deterrent lacking credibility.

The idea was for plan r to be a
sort of retaliatory safeguard.

A safeguard?

Well, I admit the human element
seems to have failed us here.

But the idea was to discourage
the russkies from any hope

that they could knock out
Washington, and yourself, sir,

as part of a general
sneak attack

and escape retaliation because of
lack of proper command and control.

And escape retaliation because of
lack of proper command and control.

Well, I assume, then, that the
planes will return automatically

once they reach their
fail-safe points.

Well, no, sir, I'm afraid not. The planes
were holding at their fail-safe points

when the go code was issued.

Now, once they fly beyond fail-safe, they
do not require a second order to proceed.

They will continue until
they reach their target.

Then why haven't you radioed the
planes, countermanding the go code?

Well, I'm afraid we're unable to
communicate with any of the aircraft.

Why?

As you may recall, sir,

one of the provisions
of plan r provides

that once the go
code is received,

the normal ssb radios
in the aircraft

are switched into a
special coded device,

which I believe is
designated as crm 114.

Now, in order to
prevent the enemy

from issuing fake or
confusing orders,

crm 114 is designed not
to receive at all,

unless the message is preceded

by the correct three-letter
code group prefix.

Then, do you mean to tell me, general turgidson,
that you will be unable to recall the aircraft?

That's about the size of it.
However, we are plowing through

every possible three-letter
combination of the code.

But since there are
17,000 permutations,

it's going to take us about two and
a half days to transmit them all.

How soon did you say the planes would
penetrate Russian radar cover?

About 18 minutes from now, sir.

Are you in contact
with general ripper?

No, sir, no. General ripper sealed off
the base and cut off all communications.

Where did you get all
this information?

General ripper called

strategic air command headquarters
shortly after he issued the go code.

I have a portion of the transcript of that
conversation, if you'd like me to read it.

Read it.

[Turgidson coughs]

The duty officer
asked general ripper

to confirm the fact that he had
issued the go code and he said:

"Yes, gentlemen, they are on their way
in and no one can bring them back."

For the sake of our country
and our way of life,

I suggest you get the rest
of sac in after them.

Otherwise, we will be totally
destroyed by red retaliation.

My boys will give you the best kind
of start: 1400 megatons' worth.

And you sure as hell
won't stop them now.

So let's get going.
There's no other choice.

God willing, we will prevail
in peace and freedom from fear

and in true health
through the purity

and essence of our natural...

Fluids.

"God bless you all."

Then he hung up.

We're still trying to figure out the
meaning of that last phrase, sir.

There's nothing to figure out, general
turgidson. This man is obviously a psychotic.

Well, I'd like to hold off judgment on a thing
like that, sir, until all the facts are in.

General turgidson, when you instituted
the human reliability tests,

you assured me there
was no possibility

of such a thing ever occurring.

Well, I don't think it's quite
fair to condemn the whole program

because of a single
slip-up, sir.

Because of a single
slip-up, sir.

I wanna speak to general ripper
on the telephone, personally.

I'm afraid that's
impossible, sir.

General turgidson, I am becoming
less and less interested

in your estimates of what
is possible and impossible.

General faceman.
Faceman: Yes, sir?

Are there any army units
stationed near burpelson?

I'll, uh... I'll
just check, sir.

[Beeping]

Hello?

[In harsh whisper] I told you never to
call me here. don't you know where I am'?

Well, look, baby, I
can't talk to you now.

My president needs me.

What do you think about civil
defense? Turgidson: Of course bucky

would rather be there
with you. Hmm.

Of course it isn't
only physical.

I deeply respect you
as a human being.

Someday I'm gonna make
you Mrs. buck turgidson.

Oh, listen, you
go back to sleep.

Bucky will be back there
just as soon as he can.

All right. Listen, sug, don't
forget to say your prayers.

Apparently, the 23rd
airborne division

is stationed seven miles
away at alvarado.

General faceman, I want them to enter
the base, locate general ripper

and put him in immediate
telephone contact with me.

Yes, sir.

Mr. president,
if I may advise.

Under a condition red, it is standard
procedure that the base be sealed off

and the base defended by
base security troops.

Any force trying to enter there would
certainly encounter very heavy casualties.

General turgidson, with all due
respect for your defense team,

my boys can brush them aside
without too much trouble.

Mr. president, there are one or two
points I'd like to make, if I may?

Go ahead, general.

One: Our hopes for recalling
the 843rd bomb wing

are quickly being reduced to a
very low order of probability.

Two: In less than 15
minutes from now,

the russkies will be making
radar contact with the planes.

Three: When they do,

they are gonna go absolutely ape and
strike back with everything they've got.

Four: If, prior to this time,

we have done nothing further to suppress
their retaliatory capabilities,

we will suffer virtual
annihilation.

Now,

five:

If, on the other hand,

we were to immediately launch an all-out and coordinated
attack on all their airfields and missile bases,

we'd stand a damn good chance of
catching them with their pants down.

Hell, we've got a 5-to-1
missile superiority as it is.

We could easily assign three
missiles to every target

and still have a very effective reserve
force for any other contingency.

Six: An unofficial study which
we undertook of this eventuality

indicated that we would destroy 90
percent of their nuclear capabilities.

We would therefore prevail

and suffer only modest and acceptable civilian
casualties from their remaining force,

which would be badly
damaged and uncoordinated.

General, it is the avowed
policy of our country

never to strike first
with nuclear weapons.

Never to strike first
with nuclear weapons.

Well, Mr. president, I would say that general
ripper has already invalidated that policy.

That was not an act of national policy and
there are still alternatives left open to us.

Mr. president,

we are rapidly approaching
a moment of truth,

both for ourselves as human beings
and for the life of our nation.

Now, truth is not always
a pleasant thing.

But it is necessary
now to make a choice.

To choose between two
admittedly regrettable,

but nevertheless distinguishable,
postwar environments.

One, where you got 20 million people killed, and the
other, where you got 150 million people killed.

You're talking about mass
murder, general, not war.

Mr. president, I'm not saying we
wouldn't get our hair mussed.

But I do say no more than 10
to 20 million killed, tops.

Depending on the breaks.

I will not go down in history as the
greatest mass murderer since Adolf Hitler.

Perhaps it might be better, Mr.
President, if you were more concerned

perhaps it might be better, Mr.
President, if you were more concerned

with the American people than with
your image in the history books.

General turgidson, I think I've heard quite
sufficient from you. Thank you very much.

Staines: Mr. president, they
have the ambassador upstairs.

Oh, good. Any difficulty?

They say he's having a fit
about that squad of mp's.

Yes, well, that can't be helped. Have
him brought down here straightaway.

Yes, sir.

Is that the Russian ambassador
you're talking about?

Yes, it is, general.

Am I to understand the
Russian ambassador

is to be admitted
entrance to the war room?

That is correct. He
is here on my orders.

I don't know exactly
how to put this, sir,

but are you aware of what a serious
breach of security that would be?

I mean, he'll see everything.
He'll see the big board.

That is precisely the idea, general.
That is precisely the idea.

Staines, get premier
kissoff on the hot line.

[iii]

Kong: Survival kit
contents check.

Kong: Survival kit
contents check.

In them, you will find one
.45-caliber automatic,

two boxes of ammunition,

four days' concentrated
emergency rations,

one drug issue
containing antibiotics,

morphine, vitamin
pills, pep pills,

sleeping pills,
tranquillizer pills,

one miniature combination
Russian phrase book and Bible,

$100 in rubles,

$100 in gold,

nine packs of chewing gum,

one issue of prophylactics,

three lipsticks, three
pair of nylon stockings.

Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good
weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

You don't have any fresh
fish? I'm afraid not, sir.

Your eggs, then, they are
fresh? Oh, yes, sir.

I will have poached eggs. And bring me
some cigars, please. Havana cigars.

And that will be all
for you, sir? Yes.

Then I'll see to it right away.

Try one of these Jamaican cigars,
ambassador. They're pretty good.

Thank you, no. I do not support
the work of imperialist stooges.

Oh, only commie stooges, huh?

Psst. Mr. president.

You're gonna let that lousy commie
punk vomit all over us like this?

Mr. president?

They haven't been able to reach premier kissoff in
the kremlin. They say they don't know where he is,

and he won't be back
for another two hours.

Try b86543 Moscow. Yes, sir.

You would never have found him
through his office, Mr. president.

Our premier is a man of the people, but he
is also a man, if you follow my meaning.

Degenerate, atheistic
commie. What did you say?

I said, premier kissoff is a
degenerate, atheistic commie!

Have this ignorant fool...
I'm sorry!

Staines: Mr. president, I think
they're trying the number.

[Grunting and mumbling]

Gentlemen, you can't fight in
here. This is the war room!

Gentlemen, you can't fight in
here. This is the war room!

What is going on here? I
demand an explanation.

This clumsy fool tried to plant
that ridiculous camera on me.

You bet your sweets, Mr. commie!
Look at this, Mr. president.

This lousy commie rat was taking pictures
with this thing, of the big board!

Mr. ambassador!

This clumsy fool attempted to plant
that ridiculous camera on me.

That's a damn lie! I saw
him with my own eyes.

This is outrageous. I have never heard
of such behavior in the war room before.

Mr. president, I think they're
getting him on the line.

[Engines roaring]

You sure gotta hand
it to those commies.

Yeah.

Gee, those trucks sure look like
the real thing, don't they?

I wonder where they
got them from.

Probably bought them from
the army as war surplus.

Okay, open up at 200 yards.

[Machine guns firing]

President: Tell him where you are and that you'll enter
the conversation if I say anything that's untrue,

but please don't tell him
anything more than that.

Alexi? Alexi,
please. I beg you.

But I don't have a phone.

But I don't have a phone.

Give him the phone, frank.

[Speaking in Russian]

I've done as you asked. Be careful,
Mr. president. I think he is drunk.

Hello? Hello, Dimitri?

Listen, I can't hear too well.

Do you suppose you could turn
the music down just a little?

Oh, that's much better.

Yeah. Yes.

Fine. I can hear
you now, Dimitri.

Clear and plain and
coming through fine.

I'm coming through fine
too, eh? Good. Then...

Well, then, as you say, we're
both coming through fine. Good.

Well, it's good that
you're fine and I'm fine.

I agree with you. It's
great to be fine.

[Laughing]

Now then, Dimitri,

you know how we've always
talked about the possibility

of something going
wrong with the bomb.

The bomb, Dimitri.

The hydrogen bomb.

Well, now, what
happened is, urn,

one of our base commanders,
he had a sort of...

Well, he went a little
funny in the head.

You know, just a little funny.

You know, just a little funny.

And he went and did
a silly thing.

Well, I'll tell you what he
did. He ordered his planes...

To attack your country.

Well, let me finish, Dimitri.

Let me finish, Dimitri.

Well, listen, how do you
think I feel about it?

Can you imagine how I
feel about it, Dimitri?

Why do you think I'm calling
you? Just to say hello?

Of course I like
to speak to you!

Of course I like to say hello!

Not now, but any time, Dimitri.

I'm just calling up to tell you
something terrible has happened.

It's a friendly call. Of
course it's a friendly call.

Listen, if it wasn't friendly, you
probably wouldn't have even got it.

They will not reach their targets
for at least another hour.

I am... I am positive, Dimitri.

Listen, I've been all over
this with your ambassador.

It is not a trick.

Well, I'll tell you.

We'd like to give your air staff a
complete rundown on the targets,

the flight plans and the
defensive systems of the planes.

Yes, I mean, if we're unable
to recall the planes,

then I'd say that, uh, well...

We're just gonna have to help
you destroy them, Dimitri.

I know they're our boys.

All right, well, listen.
Now, who should we call?

Who should we call, Dimitri? What...?
The peop-sorry, you faded away there.

The people's central air
defense headquarters.

Where is that, Dimitri?

In omsk. Right.

Yes.

Oh, you'll call them
first, will you? Uh-huh.

Listen, do you happen to have the
phone number on you, Dimitri?

Wha... what? I see. Just
ask for omsk information.

I'm sorry too, Dimitri.
I'm very sorry.

All right, you're sorrier than
I am. But I am sorry as well.

I am as sorry as
you are, Dimitri.

Don't say that you're
more sorry than I am,

because I'm capable of being
just as sorry as you are.

So we're both sorry,
all right? All right.

Yes, he's right here. Yes, he wants
to talk to you. Just a second.

[Speaking in Russian]

What?

What? What is it? What?

The fools. The mad fools.

What's happened?

The doomsday machine.

The doom...? The doomsday
machine? What is that?

Alexi: A device which will destroy
all human and animal life on earth.

Alexi: A device which will destroy
all human and animal life on earth.

President: All human
and animal life?

[Machine guns firing]

Mandrake? Yes, Jack?

Have you ever seen a commie
drink a glass of water?

Well, no, I can't
say I have, Jack.

Vodka. That's what they
drink, isn't it? Never water.

Well, I believe that's what
they drink, Jack, yes.

On no account will a
commie ever drink water,

and not without good reason.

Oh, yes.

I, um, can't quite see what
you're getting at, Jack.

Water. That's what I'm
getting at, water.

Mandrake, water is the
source of all life.

Mandrake, water is the
source of all life.

Seven-tenths of this
earth's surface is water.

Why, do you realize that...

70 percent of you is water?

Oh, good lord.

And as human beings, you and
I need fresh, pure water

to replenish our precious
bodily fluids. Yes.

Are you beginning
to understand? Yes.

[Laughing]

Mandrake...

Mandrake, have you never wondered
why I drink only distilled water

or rainwater, and only
pure grain alcohol?

Well, it did occur
to me, Jack, yes.

Have you ever heard of a thing called
fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?

Uh, yes, I have heard of
that, Jack, yes. Yes.

Well, do you know what it is?

No. No, I don't know
what it is, no.

Do you realize that fluoridation

is the most
monstrously conceived

and dangerous communist plot
we have ever had to face?

[Machine guns firing]

Two can play at
that game, soldier.

That's nice shooting, soldier!

Mandrake, come here.

You calling me, Jack?

Come over here and help
me with this belt.

I, uh...

I haven't had very
much experience,

you know, with those
sort of machines, Jack,

I've only ever pressed a
button in my old spitfire.

Mandrake, in the name of her majesty and the continental
congress, come here and feed me this belt, boy.

Jack, I'd love to come, but
what's happened, you see,

the string in my leg's gone.

The what? The string.
I never told you,

but, you see, I've got a gammy
leg. Oh, dear. Gone. Shot off.

Mandrake, come over here. The
redcoats are coming. Come on!

When it is detonated, it will
produce enough radioactive fallout

so that in 10 months,

the surface of the earth
will be as dead as the moon.

Ah, come on, de sadesky!
That's ridiculous!

Our studies show that
even the worst fallout

is down to a safe level
after two weeks.

You've obviously never
heard of cobalt thorium g.

Well, what about it?

Cobalt thorium g has a radioactive
half-life of 93 years.

If you take, say, 50 h bombs
in the 100 megaton range

and jacket them with
cobalt thorium g,

when they are exploded, they
will produce a doomsday shroud,

a lethal cloud of radioactivity,

which will encircle the
earth for 93 years!

What a load of commie bull.
I mean, after all...

I'm afraid I don't
understand something, Alexi.

Is the premier threatening to explode this
if our planes carry out their attack?

No, sir. It is not a thing
a sane man would do.

The doomsday machine is designed
to trigger itself automatically.

But surely you can
disarm it somehow.

No. It is designed to explode if any
attempt is ever made to un-trigger it.

Automatically?

It's an obvious commie trick, Mr.
President! We're wasting valuable time!

Look at the big board! They're
getting ready to clobber us!

But this is absolute madness, ambassador.
Why should you build such a thing?

There were those of us
who fought against it.

But in the end, we could not keep up with
the expense involved in the arms race,

the space race and
the peace race.

At the same time,
our people grumbled

at the same time,
our people grumbled

for more nylons and
washing machines.

Our doomsday scheme cost
us just a small fraction

of what we had been spending
on defense in a single year.

The deciding factor was when
we learned that your country

was working along similar lines. And
we were afraid of a doomsday gap.

This is preposterous! I've never
approved of anything like that.

Our source was the
New York times.

Dr. strangelove, do we have
anything like that in the works?

A moment, please, Mr. president.

Under the authority granted me

as director of weapons
research and development,

I commissioned last year
a study of this project

by the bland corporation.

By the bland corporation.

Based on the findings
of the report,

my conclusion was that this idea
was not a practical deterrent,

for reasons which at this
moment must be all too obvious.

Then you mean it is possible for
them to have built such a thing?

Mr. president, the technology
required is easily within the means

of even the smallest
nuclear power.

It requires only
the will to do so.

But how is it possible for this
thing to be triggered automatically

and at the same time
impossible to un-trigger?

Mr. president, it is
not only possible,

it is essential.

That is the whole idea of
this machine, you know.

Deterrence is the art of producing
in the mind of the enemy

the fear to attack.

And so because of the automated and
irrevocable decision-making process,

which rules out human meddling,

which rules out human meddling,

the doomsday machine
is terrifying.

This is simple to understand.

And completely credible
and convincing.

Gee, I wish we had one of them
doomsday machines, stainesy.

But this is fantastic, strangelove. How
can it be triggered automatically?

Well, it's remarkably
simple to do that.

When you merely
wish to bury bombs,

there's no limit to the size.

After that, they are connected to
a gigantic complex of computers.

Now, then: A specific and
clearly-defined set of circumstances,

under which the bombs
are to be exploded,

is programmed into a
tape memory bank.

A single role of tape can
store... strangelove.

What kind of a name is that? That
ain't no kraut name, is it, stainesy?

He changed it when
he became a citizen.

It used to be merkwurdichliebe.

Well, a kraut by any other
name, huh, stainesy?

Is that the whole point
of the doomsday machine

is lost if you keep it a secret.

Why didn't you tell
the world, eh?

It was to be announced at the
party congress on Monday.

As you know, the premier
loves surprises.

[Guns firing]

[Guns firing]

Stay with me, mandrake.

All right, mandrake, now
feed me. Feed me bullets.

[Laughing nervously]

Jack, don't you think we'd be better off in some other
part of the room, away from all this flying glass?

No, we're okay here.

Mandrake, do you realize that in
addition to fluoridating water, why,

there are studies underway
to fluoridate salt, flour,

fruit juices, soup,
sugar, milk, ice cream?

Ice cream, mandrake.

Children's ice
cream. Good lord.

You know when
fluoridation first began?

Uh, no. No, I don't, Jack.

1946.

1946, mandrake.

[Tsking]

How does that coincide with your
postwar commie conspiracy, huh?

It's incredibly
obvious, isn't it?

A foreign substance is introduced
into our precious bodily fluids

without the knowledge
of the individual.

Certainly without any choice.

That's the way a
hard-core commie works.

[Guns firing]

Look, Jack. Listen, tell me...
Tell me, Jack.

When did you first become...?
Well, develop this theory?

Well, I, uh...

I first became aware
of it, mandrake,

during the physical act of love.

Yes, a profound
sense of fatigue,

a feeling of emptiness followed.

Luckily, I was able to interpret
these feelings correctly.

Loss of essence.
[Whispers] Yes.

I can assure you it has
not recurred, mandrake.

Women sense my power,

and they seek the life essence.

I do not avoid
women, mandrake. No.

But I do deny them my essence.

Yes, yes, Jack.

Soldier: Cease fire!

My boys must have surrendered.

Well, there it is.

Now, Jack, listen.

While there's still time, I beg
you, let's recall the wing and...

Those boys were like
my children, mandrake.

Now they let me down. No,
no, Jack, not a bit of it.

No, I'm sure they all
gave it their very best.

And I'm equally sure they
all died thinking of you,

every man Jack of them, Jack.

Supposing a bit of water
has gone off, eh?

And certainly one can never be too
sure about those sort of things.

But you look at me. Do I
look all rancid and clotted?

You look at me,
Jack, eh? Look, eh?

And I drink a lot of water, you know. I'm what you
might call a water man, Jack, that's what I am.

And I can swear to you,
my boy, swear to you,

that there's nothing wrong with my
bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.

Mandrake, were you ever
a prisoner of war?

Well, now, Jack, the
time's running very...

What? Were you ever
a prisoner of war?

Uh, yes, I was, as a matter
of fact, Jack. I was.

Did they torture you?

Yes, they did. I was tortured by the
Japanese, Jack, if you must know.

Not a pretty story.
Well, what happened?

Oh, well, I don't know, Jack. It's difficult
to think of under these conditions, but...

Well, what happened was,

they got me on the old
rangoon-lnchinawa railway.

I was laying train lines for the
bloody Japanese puff-puffs.

No, I mean, when they
tortured you, did you talk?

Uh, oh, no, I“

well, I don't think they wanted me to talk, really,
I don't think they wanted me to say anything.

It was just their way of having
a bit of fun, the swines.

The strange thing is they make
such bloody good cameras.

You know, those clowns
outside are gonna give me

a pretty good going-over in
a few minutes for the code.

Yes...

Yes, well, you may have... may
have quite a point there, Jack.

I don't know how well I could
stand up under torture.

Well, of course, the answer to
that is, boy, no one ever does.

And my advice to you, Jack,
is to give me the code now.

And if those devils come back
and try any rough stuff,

we'll fight them together, boy, like
we did just now on the floor, eh?

You with your gun and me with a belt
and the ammo, feeding you, Jack.

"Feed me," you said, and
I was feeding you, Jack.

You know, mandrake,

I happen to believe in a
life after this one...

And I know I'll have to
answer for what I've done.

And I think I can.

Yes, well, of course you can,
Jack. Of course you can. You can.

I'm a religious man
myself, you know, Jack.

I believe in all that sort of thing
and I'm hoping, you know, Jack...

You've dropped your gun, Jack.
Yes... you know what...?

No, Jack, let me take that for
you. I'll take that for you, Jack.

You know what I'm hoping, Jack? I'm hoping you're going
to give me the code, boy, that's what I'm hoping.

And, uh... well, you're going to have a wash
and brush up, are you? What a good idea.

Always did wonders for a man, there,
Jack, a little wash and brush up.

Water on the back of the neck
makes you feel marvelous.

That's what we need, Jack, water on
the back of the neck and the code.

Now, supposing I play a little
guessing game with you, Jack, boy.

I'll try and guess
what the code is...

[gun fires]

[Thudding]

[iii]

[iii]

Co-pilot to navigator. I'm ready
with the fuel figures now.

We have 109,000 total,

79,000 in the mains

and 30,000 in the auxiliaries.

And that works out to roughly

seven hours, 15 minutes
endurance from this time.

Dso to captain. I have an
unidentified radar blip.

Distance, 60 miles.

Approximate speed, mach 3.

Looks like a missile
tracking us.

Confirmed, definite missile track.
Commence evasive action right.

Missile still closing range.

Distance, 50 miles.
Continue evasive action.

(Io-pilot: Lock ecm to
target intercept mode.

Ecm locked to target
intercept mode.

Missile still tracking
and closing distance.

Range, 40 miles.
Continue evasive action.

Electronic guidance
scrambler to blue grid.

Missile still tracking
steady and closing distance.

Range, 30 miles.

Missile still closing true and
steady. Continue evasive action.

Range, 20 miles.

Missile still closing
distance and tracking steady.

Attack range gate
on maximum scan.

Range gate on maximum scan.

Range, 10 miles.

Missile track deflecting.
Continue evasive action.

Deflection increasing.
Range, eight miles.

Deflection still increasing.
Range, six miles.

Missile still deflecting.
Range, four miles.

Range, two miles. Missile
still deflecting.

Range, one mile.
Missile detonated!

[Yelling indistinctly]

Start lever to
cut-off! Cut-off!

Essential power!

Re-select essential power!

Essential power re-selected.

The hatch is stuck!

Hit emergency power! Roger!

Extinguishers! Roger!

Transfer switches!
Transferred!

Boost pumps off! Cut off!

Fuel valves three, four and six!

Give me full power! Roger.

[iii]

Mandrake: "Peace on
earth. Peace on earth."

"Peace on earth."

P-o-e.

"Purity of essence."

O-p-o-e.

O-p-e.

[Gun fires]

Put your hands over your head.

What the devil do you think you're doing,
shooting your way in here? Who are you?

I said, put your hands
over your head.

What kind of suit do
you call that, fella?

What do you mean, suit?

This happens to be
an raf uniform, sir.

And I am group captain
Lionel mandrake.

I am general ripper's
executive officer.

Where's general ripper?

He's dead, in the bathroom.

Where's the bathroom?
Next to you.

[Whistles]

Look, I don't know what sort of
stupid game this is you're playing,

but I've got a very good idea
what the recall code is,

and I have to get in touch with
sac headquarters immediately

I said, put your hands over your
head and keep them there. Go on.

Got any witnesses? Witnesses?

What are you talking about,
witnesses? He shot himself!

While he was shaving, huh?

Now, look, colonel "bat" guano,
if that really is your name,

may I tell you that I have
a very, very good idea,

I think, I hope, I pray,
what the recall code is.

It's some sort of recurrent
theme he kept repeating.

It's a variation on "peace on earth" or "purity
of essence." E-o-p, o-p-e, it's one of those.

Put your hands up on top of
your head. Start walking.

Don't you know that general ripper
went as mad as a bloody march hare

and sent the whole wing to attack
the Soviets? don't you know that?

What are you talking about? I'll
tell you what I'm talking about.

I'm gonna pick up this red telephone,
which is connected to sac,

and I hope...

Blast. Blast.

Shot away, I expect, by one of your
men during this ridiculous fighting!

Right.

All right, Charlie, I've been
wasting too much time on you.

I got a lot of wounded men
outside. Start walking.

[iii]

[iii]

All the radio gear is out,
including the crm 114.

I think the auto-destruct mechanism
got hit and blew itself up.

The fire is out. The
emergency power is on.

Everything seems to check
out all right. Will advise.

Roger. Navigator?

I've worked out our rate of fuel loss
at approximately 162 per minute.

This gives us a radius of
action sufficient to take out

primary and secondary
targets, but we will not,

repeat, not be able to make it back
to any base or neutral country.

However, we would have enough fuel to
ditch at weather ship tango delta,

however, we would have enough fuel to
ditch at weather ship tango delta,

grid coordinates 003691.

Well, boys, we got
three engines out,

we got more holes in us
than a horse trader's mule,

the radio is gone and
we're leaking fuel.

And if we was flying any lower, why,
we'd need sleigh bells on this thing.

But we got one little
budge on them russkies.

At this height, why,
they might harpoon us,

but they sure ain't gonna
spot us on no radar screen.

[iii]

The other way.

Where are you taking
me? To the main gate.

Colonel!

Colonel, I must know what you
think has been going on here.

You wanna know
what I think? Yes.

I think you're some kind
of deviated "pervert."

I think general ripper found
out about your "perversion"

and that you were organizing some kind
of mutiny of perverts. Now, move!

On top of that, I don't know anything
about any planes attacking Russia.

All I was told to do was get ripper on the
phone with the President of the United States.

Now, just one second. You
just said, "the president."

What about the president?

Now, the president wants to speak
to general ripper, doesn't he?

Now, general ripper
is dead, is he not?

I am general ripper's
executive officer,

so the president will bloody well
want to speak to me, won't he?

There's a telephone box over
there and the line may be open.

You wanna talk to the president
of the United States?

I don't want to talk to him,
colonel, I've got to talk to him.

And I can assure you if you don't put that
gun away and stop this stupid nonsense,

the court of inquiry on this
will give you such a pranging,

you'll be lucky if you end up wearing the
uniform of a bloody toilet attendant!

[Jet engine roars]

Okay. Go ahead.

Try and get the President of the
United States on the phone.

If you try any perversions in
there, I'll blow your head off.

Operator? This is group
captain Lionel mandrake.

I'm speaking from
burpelson air force base.

Look, something very urgent has come up and I want
you to place an emergency person-to-person call

with president merkin muffley in
the Pentagon, Washington, D.C.

Burpelson 3-9180.

No, I'm perfectly serious, operator, the president.
Yes, the President of the United States.

No, I'm perfectly serious, operator, the president.
Yes, the President of the United States.

Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't
got enough change. Urn...

Could you, uh...? Could you make
this a collect call, operator?

Just one second, operator.

They won't accept the call.
Have you got 55 cents?

Well, you don't think I'd go into combat
with loose change in my pocket, do you?

Operator, look.

Is it possible to make this
an ordinary trunk call?

Well, what do you call
it? You know, um...

Oh, uh, station-to-station.

Oh, blast! I'm still
20 cents short.

Operator, hold on. I
shan't keep you a second.

Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine. I
want you to shoot the lock off it.

There may be some
change in there.

That's private property.

Colonel, can you possibly imagine
what is gonna happen to you,

your frame, outlook, way
of life and everything,

when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone
call to the President of the United States?

Can you imagine?

Shoot it off! Shoot
with the gun!

That's what the bullets
are for, you twit!

Okay. I'm gonna get
your money for you.

But if you don't get the President of the united
states on that phone, you know what's gonna happen?

What?

You're gonna have to answer
to the Coca-Cola company.

"Man". This is sac
communications control.

Man". This is sac
communications control.

The recall code o-p-e

is being acknowledged "Roger" by
elements of the 843 bomb wing.

Is being acknowledged "Roger" by
elements of the 843 bomb wing.

These are the details:

Missions 12, 22, 30 and 38

are reported destroyed
by enemy action.

All other missions have
acknowledged recall code.

This is sac communications
control, over and out.

[Whistles]

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Ah, gentlemen.

Mr. president.

I'm not a sentimentalist
at all by nature,

but I think I know what's in
every heart in this room.

I think we ought to all
just bow our heads

and give a short prayer of thanks
for our deliverance. Lord...

We have heard the wings
of the angel of death

fluttering over our heads
from the valley of fear.

You have seen fit to deliver
us from the forces of evil...

Excuse me, sir.

Premier kissoff's calling
again and he's hopping mad.

[iii]

Fuel flow on active engines
and leakage has increased.

Now works out at 205.

Estimate remaining fuel at 8790.

Roger. Confirm 205 per minute

and remaining fuel 8790.

No, no, Dimitri, there
must be some mistake.

No, I'm certain of that.

I'm perfectly certain
of that, Dimitri.

Just a second. You
know what he says?

He says that one of the
planes hasn't turned back.

He says according to information
forwarded by our air staffs,

it's headed for the missile
complex at laputa.

[Chattering]

Wha...? Wha...!

That's impossible, Mr. president.
I mean, look at the big board.

Thirty-four planes, 30 recalls
acknowledged and four splashes,

and one of them was
targeted for laputa.

Dimitri, look, we've got an
acknowledgment from every plane,

except the four
you've shot down.

Oh. Oh.

He... hang on a second, Dimitri.

He says their air defense now only
claims three aircraft confirmed.

The fourth may only be damaged.

Mr. president, I'm beginning to
smell a big, fat, commie rat.

I mean, supposing kissoff is
lying about that fourth plane,

just looking for an
excuse to clobber us.

I mean, if the spaghetti hits
the fan now, we're in trouble.

Dimitri, look, if
this report is true

and the plane manages
to bomb the target,

is this...? Hmm... ls this gonna...? Ho...
ls this gonna set off the doomsday machine?

Are you sure?

Well, I guess you're just gonna
have to get that plane, Dimitri.

Dimitri, I'm sorry they're jamming
your radar and flying so low,

but they're trained to do it, you
know? It's... it's initiative.

Look, Dimitri, you know
exactly where they're going,

and I'm sure your entire air
defense can stop a single plane.

Listen, I mean, it's not
gonna help either one of us

if the doomsday machine
goes off, now, is it?

Dimitri, there's no point in you getting
hysterical at a moment like this!

Dimitri. Keep your feet on the ground
while you're talking, Dimitri.

I am not... I am not getting...

No, Dimitri, I'm just
worried, that's all.

Now, look, if our air staff say
its primary target is laputa

and its secondary target is borchov,
I mean, it's true, Dimitri.

You've gotta believe it!

Look, can i...? Dimitri, can
I give you just one word...?

Can I give you just one
word of advice, Dimitri?

Listen, Dimitri.

Put everything you've got into those
two sectors, and you can't miss!

[iii]

Sir, if we continue to lose
fuel at the present rate,

I estimate we only have
38 minutes flying time,

which will not even take
us as far as the primary.

Doggone it, sweets, you told me that
you could get me to the primary!

I'm sorry, sir. That estimate was based
on the original loss rate factor,

not at 205.

I don't give a hoot in
hell how you do it,

you just get me to the
primary, you hear?

You just get me to the
primary, you hear?

I'm sorry, sir, but
those are the figures.

We'll be lucky to reach
weather ship at tango delta.

Well, shoot!

We ain't come this far just to
dump this thing in the drink.

What's the nearest
target of opportunity?

Sir, if the rate of
loss does not increase,

we have a chance to
reach target 384,

grid coordinate 003691,

and possibly make it from there
to the tango delta weather ship.

What kind of a target
is that, anyhow?

Sir, that's the icbm
complex at kotloss.

All right. Designating
new target: 384.

Give me a heading on that just as soon
as you can get it worked out, will ya?

Well, we'll keep our fingers crossed, Dimitri. And remember,
there's just one thing, we're all in this together.

We're right behind you, Dimitri,
we're with you all the way.

Yes. Well, we'll
keep the line open.

All right, Dimitri.

General turgidson, is there really a
chance for that plane to get through?

Mr. president, if I
may speak freely.

The russki talks big, but frankly,
we think he's short of know-how.

I mean, you just can't expect a bunch of ignorant
peons to understand a machine like some of our boys.

And that's not meant as an
insult, Mr. ambassador.

I mean, you take your average russki,
we all know how much guts he's got.

Hell, look at all of them the Nazis
killed off, and they still wouldn't quit!

Can't you stick to
the point, general?

Well, sir, if the
pilot's good, see...

I mean, if he's really sharp, he
can barrel that baby in so low.

You ought to see it sometime. It's a
sight! A big plane, like a '52, vroom,

its jet exhaust frying
chickens in the barnyard!

Yeah, but has he got a
chance? Has he got a chance?

Hell, ye... he's...

[iii]

Navigator: Navigator
to captain.

Approaching target at
distance 10 miles.

Switch from green grid
to target orange.

Roger. Ready for final
bomb run check.

Take over, Ace. Roger.

Dso ready. Bombardier
ready, sir.

Bomb fusing, master safety on.

Electronic, barometric,
time and impact.

Bomb fusing, master safeties on.

Electronic, barometric,
time and impact.

Kong: Fuse for ground burst.
Delay factor yellow three.

Zogg: Fuse for ground burst.
Delay factor yellow three.

Bomb fusing circuits one
through four, test.

Bomb fusing circuits one
through four, test. Lights on.

Bomb arming test lights
on, one through four.

Bomb arming test lights
on, one through four.

Engage primary trigger
switch override.

Primary trigger switch
override engaged.

Track indicators to
maximum deflection.

Track indicators to
maximum deflection.

Detonator set to zero altitude.

Detonator set to zero altitude.

Release first safety.

First safety released.

First safety. Release
second safety.

Second safety released.

Second safety.

Check bomb door circuits
one through four.

Uh, bomb door circuits,
negative function, lights red.

Kong: Switch in backup
circuits. Roger.

Backup circuits switched in.
Still negative function.

Engage emergency power. Roger.

Uh, emergency power on.
Still negative function.

Operate manual override!

Roger.

Still negative function.

The teleflex drive cable
must be sheared away.

Fire the explosive
bolts! Roger.

Um...

Still negative, sir. The operating
circuits are dead, sir.

Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm going
down below and see what I can do.

Ace: Roger.

Stay on the bomb run, boys.

I'm gonna get them doors open if it
harelips everybody on bear creek!

Target orange grid
reference checks.

Target distance, eight miles.

Roger. Eight miles.

Telemetric guidance
computer into orange grid.

Telemetric guidance
computer into orange grid.

Target distance, seven miles.

Correct track
indicator, minus seven.

Ace: Roger. Seven miles. Set
gp! Acceleration factor.

Gpi acceleration factor set.

Navigator: Target
distance, six miles.

Navigator: Target
distance, six miles.

Roger. Six miles. Pulse
ident transponder active.

Pulse ident transponder active.

Target distance, five miles.

"Ace". Five miles. Homing
alignment factor to zero mode.

Homing alignment
factor to zero mode.

Target distance, four miles.

Roger. Four miles.

Auto CDC into manual
teleflex link.

Auto CDC into manual
teleflex link.

Navigator: Target
distance, three miles.

Roger. Three miles.

Target in sight! Where
in hell is major Kong?

[Metal screeching, wind blowing]

[Cheering]

Hey, what about major Kong?

Mr. president, I would
not rule out the chance

Mr. president, I would
not rule out the chance

to preserve a nucleus
of human specimens.

It would be quite easy...

At the bottom of some of
our deeper mineshafts.

The radioactivity would never penetrate
a mine some thousands of feet deep.

And in a matter of weeks, sufficient
improvements in dwelling space

could easily be provided.

How long would you have
to stay down there?

Well, let's see now, uh...

Cobalt thorium g. Uh...

[Grunts]

Radioactive half-life of, uh...

I would think that...
Possibly 100 years.

You mean people could actually
stay down there for 100 years?

It would not be
difficult, mein fuhrer.

Nuclear reactors could...

I'm sorry, Mr. president.

Nuclear reactors could provide
power almost indefinitely.

Greenhouses could
maintain plant life.

Animals could be bred
and slaughtered.

A quick survey would
have to be made

of all the available mine
sites in the country.

But I would guess
that a dwelling space

for several hundred thousand of our
people could easily be provided.

Well, I... I would
hate to have to decide

who stays up and who goes down.

Well, that would not be
necessary, Mr. president.

It could easily be
accomplished with a computer.

And the computer could
be set and programmed

to accept factors
from youth, health,

sexual fertility, intelligence

and a cross-section
of necessary skills.

Of course, it would
be absolutely vital

that our top government and
military men be included

that our top government and
military men be included

to foster and impart the required
principles of leadership and tradition.

[Yells]

Naturally, they would
breed prodigiously, eh?

There would be much
time and little to do.

But with the proper breeding
techniques and a ratio of, say,

10 females to each male,

I would guess that they could then work their
way back to the present gross national product

within, say, 20 years.

President: But look here, doctor.
Wouldn't this nucleus of survivors

be so grief-stricken and
anguished that they'd,

well, envy the dead and
not wanna go on living?

No, sir. Excuse me.

No, sir. When they go clown into the
mine, everyone would still be alive.

There would be no
shocking memories,

and the prevailing emotion will be one
of nostalgia for those left behind

combined with a spirit of bold
curiosity for the adventure ahead! Ha!

[Grunting]

Doctor,

you mentioned the ratio
of 10 women to each man.

Now, wouldn't that
necessitate the abandonment

of the so-called monogamous
sexual relationship?

I mean, as far as
men were concerned?

I mean, as far as
men were concerned?

Regrettably, yes.

But it is, you know, a sacrifice required
for the future of the human race.

I hasten to add that since each man
will be required to do prodigious...

Service along these lines,

the women will have to be selected
for their sexual characteristics,

which will have to be of a
highly stimulating nature.

I must confess, you have an
astonishingly good idea there, doctor.

Thank you, sir.

I think we ought to look at this from the
military point of view. I mean, uh...

Supposing the russkies stashed away
some big bombs, see, and we didn't?

When they come out in 100
years, they could take over!

Staines: I agree,
Mr. president.

In fact, they might even try an immediate sneak
attack so they could take over our mineshaft space.

Turgidson: Yeah, I think it'd be extremely naive
of us to imagine that these new developments

are gonna cause any change in
Soviet expansionist policy!

I mean, we must be
increasingly on the alert,

[camera clicks]

To prevent them from taking
over other mineshaft space

in order to breed more
prodigiously than we do,

thus knocking us out through
superior numbers when we emerge!

Mr. president, we must not
allow a mineshaft gap!

Sir!

I have a plan.

Mein fuhrer!

I can walk!

[vera Lynn's "we'll
meet again" plays ]