Dr. Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam (1985) - full transcript
Ernest P. Worrel tries out a strange contraption he bought cheaply called the Changing Coffin. The machine turns him into his opposite - a mad scientist and supervillain bent on world domination called Dr. Otto. He plans to use his Gloom Beam to render all the computers that keep people's financial records and bank accounts useless which would make him the only one with access to all this dough. Bumbling hero Lance Sterling and his cautious sidekick Doris are sent to Dr. Otto's lair to stop him. There, they must face various scary alter egos of Dr. Otto as well as his manservant, Willie the Robot.
SONG: Our love festers
like an open wound.
Our sweet torture
will be starting soon.
We hold hands in the moonlight
as our passions congeal.
And in the confusion
sustain a contusion that,
properly cared for, won't heal.
(SINGING): And our love
festers, like an open wound.
Don't call the doctor.
I'll be better soon.
Then you'll infect me,
knowing I'll infect you,
knowing nothing
can make us immune,
and our love festers,
like an open wound!
Old movies are so relaxing.
That was a nice break, but now
back to the business at hand.
World domination is a
grueling, thankless job,
but someone has to do it.
Slave Willie, prepare
the Gloom beam.
- Yes, sir, Doctor.
- Girl.
Yes, sir.
Scramble stations.
Sure, Doctor.
[maniacal laughter]
Oh, really, this
is so much fun.
Very soon now, even the
smallest household bed
will die of slow starvation.
I am well acquainted with
the gloom beam, Doctor.
If it functions as
projected, there
will soon be an end to
the entire world's economy
as we know it.
The magnetic gloom beam.
My most destruction invention.
When we activate the device, a
magnetic ray will be created.
Travel out against the target.
It will scramble and erase
the magnetic impulses
on credit cards, bank
accounts, cash registers.
The economy will collapse.
Credit will be gone.
Money will be worthless.
No one will escape
the excruciating pain!
Help.
Homeless children will starve
in the street like dogs!
But we must be gentle.
These are so convenient.
You just punch in your
number and electronically
cash your check.
Hello, I'm Speedy Buck.
I can take care of all
your banking needs.
Bruce, look!
I can't believe it.
We're rich!
Look at it, how it
dances and sparkles.
It's wonderful!
And it's not only
beautiful, really.
It's destructive.
What is your choice
for the target, Doctor?
Cincinnati, of course.
The financial capital
of Southern Ohio.
Not here, Doctor.
Over to the left.
Men, the dilemma we face
is unequaled in the history
of Cincinnati Bank and Trust.
All of the computer tapes
in the accounting department
have either been
erased or scrambled,
checking accounts and deposits
vanished, bank loans lost.
We don't know who
owes what to whom!
It's just a mess.
Hodgkins, demonstrate
our problem
with your display model.
Yes, sir.
What this illustrates is
the global implication
of this threat.
I will drop this under
one of these rat traps.
This cork will represent
Cincinnati, which, as you know,
has been ravaged by
economic disaster
unlike anything seen since
the Great Depression.
Worse, gentlemen, than
losing the Super Bowl.
While the loss of
Cincinnati in and of itself
is relatively meaningless,
the possibility
of setting off a series of chain
reactions throughout the world
is very real and
very disturbing.
Observe!
[laughter]
Well, that about does it.
Just put on the
card, will you?
You know, I don't
know how we got
along before the credit card.
Next time, use the
self-service aisle.
Tina, Rhonda Sue, I'll be
on the air in a few moments.
Makeup, makeup.
[maniacal laughter]
Your plan seems to be
progressing according
to projections, Doctor.
You should be most gratified.
I will deliver to
the world a weapon
which may just save manki--
nah, it's a lie anyway.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Show time!
Good evening.
Thanks to the miracle of tissue
damaging microwaves, which also
cause sterility and cancer, I'm
coming to you, the whole world,
simultaneously.
And what I have for you
tonight is a riddle.
I love games.
Don't you?
And if you don't answer
this riddle correctly,
and I believe that you
have exactly no chance,
it will mean the end of
the world as we know it.
Doesn't that sound like fun?
OK, trivia freaks,
are you ready?
Because I'm only going to say
it once, and not very clearly.
You ready?
When the money is scrambled
to the very last cent,
riots and hatred
soon will commence.
When all the world's commerce
will be put in a bind
from the evils that lurk
where the sun never shines.
It is I, Dr. Otto
von Schnick, ick,
ick, ick, who has played on
you this trick, ick, ick, ick.
But who's Dr. Otto,
you may well ponder,
while all your magnetic
cash is squandered?
It's he who had an eye
and yet couldn't see.
It's he who served
bouillabaisse when was she.
It's he who gambled with
the brains and a gun.
It's he who had all
and yet had none.
And to stop this
horrible, twisted trick,
just exchange the
poem of old St. Nick.
And if that doesn't
do to save the day,
put another quarter in
and try another day.
Bye-bye.
[maniacal laughter]
He's a madman.
He's a madman.
He obviously has no
respect for anything,
human life, social values,
the bottom line, nothing.
There is one person who
can stop this fiend,
this paragon of evil.
One man with the skill,
ingenuity, and cunning
to stop this menace to the
free enterprise system,
a man who has made
it his life's work
to stop this prophet of doom.
Gentlemen, Mr. Lance Sterling
and his personal secretary,
Doris Talbot.
Mr. Sterling, I'm sure
that you and Doris
are aware of the grave
situation we face.
The whole financial fiber
of this country is at stake.
Yes, sir.
And you know what they
say, as Cincinnati goes,
so goes the nation.
Gentlemen, our
noble institution
is on the verge of collapse.
Soon, no one will be able
to afford food or clothing,
riots will break out,
the wholesale slaughter
of cosmetic clerks will begin.
The streets will
run red with blood
from stockbroker's suicides.
And to top it off, our
earnings will be down.
Don't worry, Mr Rutherford.
I'll solve this twisted
riddle and bring
this tasteless
totalitarian to justice.
Put your faith in
America's champion.
Yes, I know you will, Lance.
I have every confidence
in your ability
to seek out this money-mad
fiend, wherever he may lurk,
and to put an end to him
and his infernal machine.
Do you gentlemen have any
questions for Mr. Sterling?
Yes.
Mr, Sterling, if you could
be any animal you wanted,
what would it be?
Well, now that's a tough one.
It's him.
It's who?
Mr. Lance Cutesy
Buttsy never gets
Poop on his Shoes Sterling.
He's cute.
He's cute like the
plague, like boils,
like persistent itching.
He can save my day any time.
Mr. Clean Room, Never
Bored, Clearasil, Crosses
at the Walk Sterling?
You pea-brained incompetent.
Let me tell you a little story.
Once upon a time, there
were two little boys
born in the same
town on the same day.
Mr. And Mrs. Sterling,
Two little Lance
is the favorite of
the whole hospital.
All the nurses are
just in love with him.
He's so cute.
He's got his mother's eyes.
But he's got your dimples.
Hello, mother.
Hello, father.
I'm so glad you're my parents.
Oh, he's got your manners.
[crying]
Madam Von Schnick, I have
terrible news for you!
It lived!
[screaming]
Take it away, take it away!
You-- you mean this
is for me, this big box?
can I open it now?
Please?
Oh, great!
My own set of encyclopedias?
Now I can begin to unravel
life's mysteries for myself.
Gag me with that rope.
This is the best
Christmas ever.
And you're the best parents
anyone could ever have.
I've got something for you.
Open it.
Lance, you make me so proud.
Wonder what it could be.
It's the White House.
I made it out of
toothpicks in my spare time.
Oh, Lance.
It's beautiful!
Some day, I'm
gonna be a senator.
And I'm gonna make the world
a better place for all people.
Put her there, son.
"When I grow up, I'm going to
be a senator and make the world
a better place for everyone."
It's enough to make you
blow your beets in the snow.
[vomiting]
Mother, Father,
can we say it just
once, since it's Christmas?
Dad?
Sure, son.
Since it's Christmas.
I pledge allegiance to
the flag of the United
States of America--
I can't stand it.
I can't stand it.
I can't.
I hate Christmas.
Holidays were not looked forward
to in my happy little home
with my mommy and daddy dearest.
Maybe he won't come back.
Maybe he has run away.
Well, we can always hope.
It's all we've got.
But he did get us a
Christmas present this year.
What a surprise.
The only thing I ever got from
him before was nightmares.
Well, let's open it.
Maybe we should
wait until he's here?
Nah!
Maybe we could sell
it before he comes back!
All right.
Let's see what little Otto
got for his loving parents.
This is the best
Christmas ever.
And you're the best
parents anyone ever had.
(SINGING): Jingle
bells, jingle bells.
[maniacal laughter]
Sayonara, London.
"It is he who had an
eye but could not see.
It is he who served
bouillabaisse
when he was a she."
I've read it a dozen times, and
I still don't understand it.
Now, there's a surprise.
Yeah.
I'm usually really
good at parlor games.
Well, maybe Dr. Otto
doesn't want to be found.
Don't be ridiculous, Doris.
What good would it
do to have a riddle
so hard no one could solve it?
You're a smart girl, Doris, but
sometimes you just don't think.
did you bring the cooler.
Could use a cold drink.
The world is on
the brink of chaos.
We're trying to save it.
Somehow, the cooler
slipped my mind.
That's what I mean, Doris.
Sometimes, you just don't think.
[maniacal laughter]
Goodbye, Akron.
I like to 'em twice like that.
"It's he who had an
eye but could not see."
Do you suppose that
could be Mr. Potato Head?
It doesn't feel right, Lance.
Well, what do
you think it means?
Well, I don't know.
So it could be
Mr. Potato Head.
Yes, Lance.
I suppose it could.
I thought so.
So you think you will stop me?
You think I'll just
roll over and play dead?
Oh, please, Mr. Sterling.
Don't hurt me.
I want to do better.
I-- I want to be good like you!
Gee, thanks, Doc.
Quick, Willie.
More destruction, more carnage.
It's-- it's my lowest moment!
It's also so
deliciously unclean.
"It is he who
served bouillabaisse
when he was a she."
"Bouillabaisse," it originated
on the coast of France.
I knew that.
As you well know, I'm a--
I'm a gourmet cook.
It shows.
There is not an ounce
of fat on my body.
I'm on the metric system.
And now for Mr. perfect.
Quickly, into the
changing coffin.
We have work to do.
Ah, the changing coffin is
your favorite toy, Doctor.
Today, we will transform you
into tech, a soldier of fortune
and a socially
unacceptable mercenary.
This device goes way beyond
your old Halloween makeup kit
and transforms your features,
transmogrifies your,
speech, and gives you a
natty change of clothes
all at the same time.
Hold on to your RNA, Doctor.
This is your
supreme commander.
Have you--
Spotted.
Them yet?
Oh, good.
Then we can start to--
Spring.
Our trap.
I like this.
Doris, are you
sure the transmission
came from around here?
Whoopsie!
Car trouble.
Doris, did you
bring your AAA card?
Lance, I don't
think this is covered.
Well, let's find a phone
and call a service station.
We will ruin these rims
driving on flat tires.
Those youngsters look like
they're having themselves
the time of their lives.
Physical training is special
when it's started young.
It means so much to a
healthy, well balanced life.
Lance, come back here!
I'd love to, Doris,
but duty calls.
You know that.
I've got to find a phone,
fix the car, save the world.
That kind of thing, huh?
Boy, this is great.
Just like a police escort.
Is there a phone around here?
Good form.
Feet apart, hands low,
thrust, and withdraw.
Somebody deserves
a lot of credit
for teaching the
fundamentals here.
And I certainly look
forward to meeting them.
That ruddy fool.
I can't believe he just
strolled into camp.
Doesn't he know every shock
troop in the free world
is looking for that--
Commie.
Scum?
Sir, my data banks
indicate that Mr. Sterling
has been politically inactive
since his unsuccessful senate
race.
Don't you ruddy interrupt
me, you ruddy, liberal,
wimpy, piece of ruddy tin!
You, what?
Yes, sir, Doctor.
Well, ladies,
let's go meet this--
Red.
Terrorist that calls himself
Mr. Lance Sterling, eh?
You know, when I
was about your age,
my dad gave me a BB gun.
But the barrel should always
point up for safety's sake.
These are really wonderfully
trained youngsters.
I'm impressed.
Come to challenge
me face-to-face,
have you, Mr. Lance Sterlingsky
or whatever you call your--
Ruddy.
Self now.
Eh, what?
Uh, no.
We just wanna use your phone.
See, we had car trouble,
and, well, my AAA is expired.
You won't be using your--
Ruddy.
Three letter code
words to your--
Ruddy.
Commie comrades
in the bush, what!
No, no, no, not that.
No, we were driving, see, trying
to figure out this riddle.
Put this--
Ruddy.
Commie scum in the--
Guest.
Room over there.
We'll play a few little
games with their--
Ruddy.
Red rumps, what.
This does not look
like a phone booth.
Now, a phone booth has those
glass panels, the little metal
things, a shelf right here.
Yeah, and a lot more private.
Oh, what are you doing?
How can you touch those things?
I'm looking for something
to help us get out of here.
Well, whatever they had
didn't help them much.
Now, look, Doris, they're gonna
be expecting us to break soon,
to snap under the pressure.
But we are tougher than that.
We're Americans.
Let's keep our morale high.
Hey, I know.
How about a song?
(SINGING): If I were a
carpenter and you were a lady,
would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?
And now for the economic news.
Back to you, Mike.
Mr. Rutherford, Mr.
Rutherford, the entire city
has erupted.
People are going crazy.
The whole country
is in an uproar.
Mobs are storming all
the banks, burning
their checkbooks in protest.
They want their money.
And everything is scrambled up.
This Dr. Otto von Shnick ick
ick has reshuffled the deck,
and Lance Sterling is
nowhere to be found.
Cut him down.
Otto, or Hardtact, wants you to
play a little spin the barrel.
Oh boy, Doris.
I love to play games.
[marching chants]
Well, I see you and your--
-
Comrade here
decided to take me
up on my little invitation, eh?
Go, you yellow--
Pink.
O.
Well, I should
get to go first.
She always goes first.
She always gets to order
first in the restaurants.
She always gets the
window seat on the plane.
Now, I want to go first.
Oh, by all means.
Go on, Trotsky.
Drop the hammer.
Do it.
[clicking]
Let's get out of here, Lance!
What's the matter, Doris?
Don't you want your turn?
[speaking gibberish]
He got away.
He got away.
You let him get away!
Sir, my actions were
specifically directed
at capturing Lance Sterling.
It would be illogical to
assume that, as you say,
I let him get away.
I can't believe you said that.
Poor me.
Do you believe what we
machines put up with?
I mean, I did everything
a robot could possibly do.
I shot my little arrow.
I-- I flashed everything up
on the screens he wanted.
I did everything that I as
a machine could possibly do.
And what do he say?
"You let him get away."
Me, me!
Sterling, one escape
does not a victory make!
He sure got out of
that one easy enough.
Don't talk about him.
I hate him.
I've hated him for years!
Otto, I saw your yearbook.
Lance was class president.
Yes, and captain of
this and leader of that!
But it was there in high school
that my scientific genius
began to shine.
I remember the science fair.
Robert, much better
than last year.
- Thank you, Miss Apple.
- Pork through the ages.
Very good.
Girls, So nice and colorful.
Nutritious.
Let's hear it, Frank.
[barking]
What's under
the sheet, weirdo?
"What's under
the sheet, weirdo?"
Only the greatest
invention since nerve gas.
Only a major breakthrough
in the relationship
between man and machine.
That's all, weenie.
We'll show them,
won't we, Willie?
- Very educational, girls.
- We're proud of you.
Did you paint that yourselves?
Yes.
And what have you done
for the fair, Lance?
What I have done for my
science fair project, Miss
Apple, is to try and give
our students an opportunity
to see what it feels like to
exercise our most sacred right,
the right to vote.
I believe, Miss Apple,
and honored judge,
that each and
every one of us has
a duty to take a stand whenever
the opportunity arises.
As a proud American, and
one truly loves his country,
I wanted to make the
light of liberty shine.
As President Kennedy
said, it is not
what your country
can do for you,
it is what you can
do for your country.
Oh, Lance.
So, Miss Apple, will you be
the first to cast your vote
for the freedom of choice?
Ask not what you
can do for your robot.
Ask what your robot
can do for you.
Come on, Willie.
Let's play senseless violence.
Hello, I'm your new T9
voice activated robot.
I can walk and talk
like a real person.
I can perform complex functions.
Sayonara, Pork
Through the Ages!
[maniacal laughter]
Not the pork.
I'm happy now.
Little children in
China don't get pork.
Bye-bye, Bow-Wow.
Here, pooch.
That Otto has no
respect for anything.
Look what he's doing to
Janie Newsom's project.
Your project next.
Watch it.
Notice, if you will, the
robot's life-like movements,
its ability to understand
spoken commands,
and a vocabulary of
nearly 700 words,
such as "Attack, Willie!"
"Search and destroy."
"Tora, tora, tora!"
[maniacal laughter]
Really is a mostly
impressive experiment.
Well, I hope this
won't sway your judgment.
After all, if I know Otto,
he's found a way to cheat.
And besides, he has
no school spirit.
Otto, you stop this!
You tell this thing to behave!
And now let's exercise
our most sacred right.
Let's vote and vote and vote!
One machine, one vote!
I just pulled the
lever and this happened.
Lance, this booth may
have been a good idea,
but it needs a lot of
work to make it safe.
But-- but it wasn't
me, Miss Apple.
It was Otto.
Lance!
Be a man.
Don't blame others for
your mistakes, especially
those less fortunate.
La la la la la
la, la la la la la.
But Otto, he-- he-- he-- he--
Those were the good old days.
So did you win
the science fair?
In a way.
I won a special
scholarship which
allowed me to become
what I am today,
the human scum of the Earth.
I found them, Exalted One.
They're in the deep woods.
Good.
We have yet another chance
to finish that imbecile.
Oh, life is good!
Quick, into the changing coffin.
We haven't a moment to lose!
Laughing Jack Cockney.
[maniacal laughter]
Hey, look.
It's a little light.
Maybe it's a phone booth.
[screaming]
No!
no!
That should hold you, wench!
No, no!
No.
Tie her tighter there, James.
We wouldn't want her to wiggle
free and miss me chances
of catching that
living, breathing,
stinking scourge of the
wetlands known as the Dump.
[screaming]
Look at that, Doris.
What in heaven's name are
they doing to that young lady?
[screaming]
Well, me proud beauty,
maybe a taste of the whip'll
make you like your fate.
I still don't like it.
Wait just a minute.
If this is your idea of some
elaborate sorority initiation,
I think it's gotten
a little out of hand.
Don't look now, Polly,
but methinks some fresh bait
just swam into me bucket.
Now, I cannot
believe that this
young lady voluntarily
participates
in this type of shenanigans.
Now, fun is fun, but
this is going too far.
So you think me lads
have gone a bit too far?
[maniacal laughter] Eh, Jim?
It's not Jim.
It's Lance.
Lance Sterling.
And, well, yes, I do think
this barbaric ceremony
must come to a stop.
Don't you agree, Doris?
[moaning]
See that?
We all agree.
You'll not be interrupting me
chances of catching the Dump,
now would you, Jim?
The Dump?
Aye, the Dump, Jim, the Dump.
Bring him on up.
Ooh, soft but perishable.
This is not my
idea of hospitality.
Now, a friend in need
is a friend indeed.
I'm sure you'll agree with that.
Mr. Jack.
[laughter]
Well, now that we're all
here, how about a game?
How about a riddle?
OK, now-- now, I'll
go first, and you
see if you can solve it.
I'll tell you what.
I've got it written
down right in my pocket.
If you'd just get it for me,
I would really appreciate it.
Yeah.
No, a little more to the right.
Yeah, that's it.
You got it.
OK.
Can you open it up for me?
OK.
What has an eye but cannot see?
Mr. Potato Head.
[growling]
[screaming]
He rises!
I've got you now, you
lurking garbage bag.
The Dump, the Dump dies tonight!
Hey, hey, wait, fellas.
Are we late?
Did we miss anything?
Don't look, Jim.
It seems we be a mite late.
You know, Jim, methinks the Dump
would take a shining to you.
Yeah?
Aye, that he would.
He likes young boys like
you, Jim, that he does.
'Cause you're so young,
and pink, and educated.
You wouldn't dare!
You needs to be
helping your old mate,
Laughing Jack
O'Cockney, have his
revenge on that fowl-smelling
dump that ruined me good eye.
Well, I-- I--
under the circumstances--
No, Lance, no.
It would be good for you, Jim.
Aye, that it would.
Yeah, it would.
And what would we
have for him, Johnny?
It's a cabana side
by side freezer!
Ooh.
This cabana holds
up to 40 pounds
of fruits and vegetables,
and has a convenient icemaker
and water tap.
All from cabana if you help
Laughing Jack catch the Dump.
Back to you, Jack.
Oh, I'm just overwhelmed.
But I-- I don't know.
My apartment's too
small, and well--
We'll never help
you, no matter what.
Doris, with a side
by side freezer,
we'd be fools not to try!
[growling]
Doris.
Alex?
Is that you, Alex?
Rudy.
Well, I-- I go by Lance now.
Rudy, long time no see.
Rudy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Rudy.
How's it been going, Alex?
- Eh.
- How's the wife?
Fine.
LANCE: And the kids?
- OK.
Great.
Alex, how about
getting us loose?
Piece of cake.
How do you know this thing?
Once upon a time,
a long time ago,
I pulled a thorn out of his
paw when he was just a baggie.
[maniacal laughter]
Goodbye, Steubenville.
You'll thank me for this.
$788.45.
$962.33.
OK, do you have any coupons?
OK.
Total is $3,298,637.23.
I'll take back the pork chops.
MAN: Dollar collapses,
pound collapses.
Frank collapses.
MAN: Frank, Frank!
The true dimensions of
the economic catastrophe
the entire world is
experiencing will
not be known for some time.
What is known is that,
today, the Soviet Union
declared an end to
the use of the ruble
as its national currency and
declared boiled turnips to be
the new coin of the realm.
In Denmark, the national
sport of cheese wrestling
was suspended indefinitely
when the price
of a single small Gouda
arose to 150,000 kalatnicks.
Since we are traveling
in a diagonal from it,
we are either traveling
northwest or southeast.
So if we knew where we were--
Which we don't.
LANCE: We could get
back to civilization
and put an end to Otto
and all his shenanigans.
Thanks there, Alex.
Watch that slipped
disc there, buddy.
That's good.
Listen, it is great to
catch up on old times.
With you too.
Hey, lunch next week, OK?
Sure.
- Same meeting place as always?
- Certainly.
Good.
OK.
Before you go, and I
know you've gotta go,
let me read you something.
OK.
"To stop this horrible,
twisted trick,
just exchange the
poles of old St. Nick."
Mean anything to you?
Doesn't Santa live
at the North Pole
with all the elves
and everything?
Don't you think?
Ah, so you think that
the pole of old St. Nick
is the North Pole?
Yes, I do.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
Listen, great to see you again.
Good seeing you.
Lunch next week, same
meeting place as always?
- Of course.
- Good.
OK.
Say hi to the wife
and kids for me.
I will.
- And take care of yourself.
- OK.
All right.
Ciao.
What a prince.
He's so resourceful.
He is an idiot of
global proportions.
But at least my master
plan for world conquest
is coming along nicely.
I still don't
understand it all.
Well, here, Tina,
let me show you.
You see this little object no
larger than your fingernail?
Mhm.
Observe.
Oh.
I see, Doctor.
By starting the blocks,
you set up a chain reaction
which puts pressure on world
commodity markets, which
in effect re-adjusts
the annual circulation
rate of liquid accounts
into the liability column.
And the Federal Reserve will
have to devaluate currency
in a futile attempt to cope.
Close.
In Washington DC, the
food riots continued.
And in New York City, looters
rampaged through that city's
financial district, tarring
and feathering some two
dozen bankers and brokers.
MAN (ON TV): And now we return
to love in the afternoon.
Mr. Rutherford.
Mr. Rutherford, sir,
I've been running this
through our centauri
systems XY computer,
and it seems to have come
up with an interesting twist
on all this.
Centauri's conclusion is
that this Dr. Otto von
Schnick ick ick is only a menace
because we do not control him.
If we could persuade Von Schnick
to be on the board of the bank,
or perhaps partners
with the bank,
we could control the world's--
[muffled speech]
Well, thank you sir!
[muffled speech]
What's wrong with you
guys in intelligence?
I want you to do something
about all of this.
We've prepared
some new scenarios.
Like the Bay of Pigs?
It could have worked.
And this wonderful
Vietnam report.
Do you see a light at
the end of this tunnel?
Butt in the bureaucrat.
The economy has gone
to hell in a handbasket,
and you guys have come.
We've formulated a
psychological profile
on this Von Schnick character.
I'm sure it's a breakthrough.
You want the password.
"Green cheese is a
mouse's only friend."
Mr. President, the
economy of this country
is on the verge of collapse.
Don't you think I know that?
Sir, all of the government
accounting computers
have been wiped clean.
The Treasury Department
has no idea how
much money is being printed.
And what's worse, most of the
senator's expense accounts
have vanished from our records.
You mean to tell
me we have no idea
how much money this country
owes or who owes us?
That's correct, sir.
So in effect, the
national debt is wiped out.
You could say that.
That's great!
Call a press conference.
I've been tracking 'em.
They're approaching the cliff.
Otto, what are
you going to do?
Tempt the idiot!
Lure him to his doom.
They will help me.
And so will you.
I'll lead him to his
destruction and crush him
like a ripe grape!
[maniacal laughter]
I hope I'm not out of line.
[maniacal laughter]
I'm hungry.
This place is full
of mosquitoes.
Where are we going, anyway?
You're supposed
to be the leader!
Well, I can't do everything.
My training is in making
command decisions,
motivating large numbers
of stalwart troops,
giving pep talks.
That sort of thing.
But I'm hungry.
Fish.
I can catch fish!
I can use this little
thorn for a hook.
And I can unravel some
thread from-- from my sweater
for line.
Oh, and I can use this little
gum wrapper for a lure!
Boy, this is fun!
[screaming]
WOMAN: Help, help!
Lance, quick.
She needs help!
- Hey, who needs help?
Me!
It's not going at
all like they said
it would at survival training.
She needs us.
That's great, Doris.
I finally catch us
something to eat,
and you just cut it
loose without any thought
for anybody but yourself!
[screaming]
Oh dear.
Maybe there's another way.
Oh.
Oh, that's it, Doris.
Leave me here to
save the day, and you
go off to find an easier path.
Oh boy, that's typical Doris.
Typical of too many
women who try to make
their way into the real world.
They crumble at the
first sign of trouble!
[screaming]
Nobody's gonna believe this.
Little Tina Nelson
from White Plains,
hanging 1,000 feet
off the ground.
Help!
[screaming]
My makeup's running.
My hair's a mess.
And I'm gonna die.
Why?
Because I didn't
listen to my mother
and fell for a foreign
accent with a hand
growing out of his head.
[screaming]
This is it.
I'm going to die now and miss
the whole rest of my life.
But that's the way life
goes for little Tina Nelson
from White Plains.
[screaming]
This things is about to fall.
No, no, no, let me get
out of the way first!
Now I'll never be a nurse.
A nurse?
Oh, that is a noble goal.
And one that makes
good use a woman's
natural tendencies
to [screaming]
to make soup, To
change dirty linen.
Whatever your current
problems may be,
you are obviously a good girl.
Not like Charlotte DeBlaine.
Who couldn't be satisfied
with a law practice.
No, she had to
get into politics.
I should be a senator today.
And then for that debate--
[doorbell rings]
You saved me.
You were never in
any real trouble.
Fear is a phantom
that clouds the mind.
I love it when you
talk metaphysical.
Oh great.
Food at last.
You know, my blood sugar
is at an all time low.
So that moron of morality
has taken our bait.
Mr. Honest Mug or
Nothing Sterling,
you won't get away this time!
Get out of my way, you nib
mass of thermal conductors.
I'm trying, Doctor, but--
- Under who?
- We're tangled.
I can't--
Get this oversized
piece of metal off me.
To the changing coffin!
[music playing]
That chicken was
good, but, well,
a balanced diet is important.
Bird can't fly on a broken
wing, as my mother always said.
"Would you like
some sweet repose?"
Repose means sleep.
I knew that.
I got excellent scores on
the verbal part of my SATs.
And always did well in English.
It was the math parts that
always got me, though.
Me too.
I never understood
any of that stuff,
quantum theory, astrophysics,
binary trigonomics.
Made me feel so dumb.
Well, we have
something in common.
Uh, Doris?
Uh, Doris?
We need to stay together, OK?
[whistling] Well, it looks
like we're on the right path
after all.
I could use a hot bath
and something to eat.
Boy, me too.
You don't think this is some
sort of trick, do you, Doris?
Why would i think that?
We're miles from
civilization, in the middle
of an impenetrable
forest, following
the only path anywhere,
and watching Auntie
Nelda signs pop out of nowhere.
Why would I think
this was a trick?
Good.
It felt all right to me too.
Work, work, work.
That's all I do.
I hire a domestic, it's
like adopting a child.
He creates work for me.
I ask him to do a
few simple tasks--
water the flowers.
What happens?
I end up watering the flowers.
Well, you little
darling, you're blooming.
Here.
I hope you strangle on it.
You're lucky to get it.
Little flowers in China
don't even get water.
Hello, travelers.
Boy, this is our lucky day.
She seems real nice.
Welcome to Auntie Nelda's.
Boy, this is our lucky day.
She seems real nice.
We are going to
have a little--
We don't have a chance.
We're going to meet
lots of nice young people.
(SINGING): Someone's in
the kitchen with Willie.
Someone's in the kitchen I know.
Someone's in the
kitchen with Willie.
Come on, socket head.
They're waiting to eat!
Bouillabaisse can
not be hurried, Doctor.
Now, battery breath, now!
It really needs
a few more minutes,
Doctor, for the ingredient
to marry their essences.
Now, all of a sudden, I've
got a Julia Childs to deal with.
But-- but-- but, Doctor.
I-- not the liquefier, Doctor!
Nah, this is no trick.
Now, what would make me
think this was a trick?
All right, Miss Grump.
Just be that way.
She'll feel much better after
a hot meal and some sleep.
So will I.
So pick up those
fingers there,
bolt head, and mop up
the rest of that oil!
Please, forgive any disturbance.
I don't suppose I have to
tell you how hard it is
to find suitable help nowadays.
I know just what you mean.
It smells yummy.
I am starved.
Oh, me too.
It's from an
old family recipe.
Um, aren't you eating?
No, dear.
I'm on a water diet.
Well, I hope you're
taking a vitamin supplement.
I try to take care of myself.
My son Jaime, he never
took care of himself.
He didn't weigh 90 pounds
soaked in paving tar.
Well, I'm famished.
What's in this, anyway?
Oh, just some fresh herbs
and things from the garden.
Pardon.
This is the incompetent
I mentioned earlier.
Vin, Mademoiselle?
Please.
I hope it's called cold duck.
You would.
And you, madame?
None for me, thanks.
It's an excellent year.
It's audacious and yet
endearingly understated.
Well, I usually
don't drink, but, well,
tonight feels special.
No thanks.
I would consider it a personal
insult to my hospitality
if you did not drink a
toast to my dead son, Jaime.
What's the matter
with you, Doris.
It smells like an
excellent year.
A bit presumptuous,
but not too brash.
Sort of fizzy.
Tickles my nose.
She is so cute.
Come on, Doris.
All All right, but
I've got a bad feeling.
To those weary travelers
who came so unexpectedly
and brought with
them such happiness
for a tired old woman.
You don't know what it
means to me to have company,
me, a tired old
woman with a dead son
who is no longer alive.
Well, I guess you don't
get many people here.
You build a little
restaurant, you
try to make a way for
yourself in your later years,
and what happens?
They move the flipping highway.
And in the name of progress.
Merci beaucoup.
Doris, you're embarrassing me.
Go on.
Now, that's better.
You were right.
What can I tell you?
"I've got a bad
feeling," you said.
You've gotta learn to trust
those instincts, honey.
They look just like Jaime.
Only bigger.
If Auntie Nelda thinks we
are paying for this room,
she is very much mistaken.
I don't think that's
what she had in mind.
Why are we tied up?
Where's Tina?
What is going on here?
Let me put it to you gently.
I think this is a trick.
Not again.
I can't stand it when
people take advantage
of my trusting nature.
Well, it takes all kinds.
There was something
strange about Auntie Nelda.
And my father told me never
to eat in restaurants where
the prices weren't on the menu.
Well, it's too
late for that now.
Well, I hope they've
come to their senses.
My wrists are
beginning to chafe.
Tina, boy, am I glad to see you.
Don't be!
She's in it with Auntie Nelda.
Oh, and we had
so much in common.
I'll always
remember you, Lance.
Here's looking at you, kid.
What's gonna happen to us?
Auntie wants to freeze dry
you and use your body parts
to feed her army of zombies.
Well, at least
we won't be wasted.
I signed the organ
donor card on the back
of my driver's license.
Can-- can you
just stand by and--
and let her turn him into
part of an army of zombies?
Can you do that to the zombies?
Basically, I'm not
a very good person.
[snort]
I don't believe
that for a minute.
It's true, though.
I've lied, and
cheated, and swindled,
and stolen, even killed people.
Well, sure.
Who doesn't have a few
things in their past
they'd rather forget?
And besides, I think they
sort of add character.
How can you do this?
I don't know.
Otto-- I mean,
Auntie Neldie, she'd
be so mad if I let you go.
Well, look at it this way.
I saved you from
the killer chickens.
I helped you through the forest.
I-- I tried to open
up and relate to you
as one human being to another.
I gave you makeup tips.
You owe me this.
I've never done
anything good before.
It's not so bad.
No, it's really easy
once you get used to it.
Why, there are times when I
can't stop doing good things.
Yeah, it's like eating peanuts.
So Willie, for all your
obvious incompetence,
the bouillabaisse was excellent.
And the wine was immaculate.
Gee, thanks, Doc.
Your service, as
usual, was atrocious.
But the food was good.
So, Tina, saying goodbye
to Mr. Perfect, hm?
If you think that you
can get away with this,
you are very much mistaken.
On the contrary, I
have gotten away with it.
And as soon as my marginally
intelligent assistant prepares
the hardware, I'm
going to turn you
into crusty little fragments
of your former selves.
Taking advantage of people
who are weaker than yourself
is the mark of a bad person.
It's me.
I'm a real sicko.
I suppose you could
blame my parents,
but I just can't stop
doing nasty things.
It's like eating peanuts.
There you are.
Willie, you imbecile,
what have you broken now?
Can you believe the things
I have to put up with?
In many ways, I'm
almost a saint.
I should live with
Jaime, God rest his soul.
Doctor, about the
wheel of death--
Are you really going
to let this happen?
Don't talk to me anymore!
If you could
just undo one hand,
well, we could say
I did it myself.
We could say a rat
bit through it.
We could say--
- Be quiet!
Oh, all right.
This may not save you, but
it'll sure change things.
Great idea!
Cover us up, and
we'll lie real still,
and she won't even
know we're here.
And it's dark.
She's old.
It could work.
What is this?
It's a transporter shroud.
I'm not sure how it works.
Transporter shroud?
Doris, does this make
any sense to you?
Anything makes more
sense than becoming
part of an army of zombies!
[maniacal laughter]
The hated Lance
Sterling escaped.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
But I-- I mustn't let
those feelings stay inside.
At least, that's
what my analyst says.
"Otto, you mustn't keep
those feelings inside.
You need to let them out.
Anger can a very healthy thing."
But when I get angry, the
thing I want to do most
is destroy something.
But Otto, I didn't
do anything wrong.
She did!
Sweet Monique, you've
been like a daughter to me.
You've been with
me for years, never
complaining, always faithful.
And this is how I
repay your loyalty.
Sometimes, I'm disgusting
even to myself.
Watch this, Tina.
For abandoning me.
[screaming]
Ah.
It feels so good
to get those pent
up anxieties out of the system.
Sorry to interrupt, big guy,
but Lance Sterling approaches.
To the changing coffin.
To that old changing coffin.
Now where Are we
Lance, don't ask
me any questions.
Don't explain anything to me.
Don't say a word.
Now, let's try to find
a way out of here.
Doris, I--
Now, not-- not a word.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Back to good old
civilization for me.
Lance.
Lance, wait.
Lance, be careful!
[laughter]
There you are, Doctor.
Yeah, I got a lot of
money, more wealth than you
can possibly imagine.
But I like to think I'm the
same unspoiled guy dandy I was
before I inherited every dime.
Yeah, I'm not the only
rich person in the world.
There are other rich people.
I know.
I gave them their money.
We have company.
Pardonez-moi.
I'm Guy Daniels.
The Guy Daniel.
The one you heard so much about.
DORIS: Where are we?
You're with me.
And what better
opportunity to meet me,
Guy Dandy the man,
not just the legend.
How about a little drinkie poo?
Well, sure.
Now, what we really need,
Guy, is to use your phone.
What you need, Frankie, is
to get up against the wall
and be real quiet.
Why did you do it, Frankie?
We was partners and
you double crossed me.
What made you think you
could get away with it?
It's happening
again, isn't it?
Again.
Now?
[maniacal laughter]
Sorry about that
senate seat, Lance.
My dad bought me a seat.
SONG: Meet me in Manhattan.
Meet me wearing satin.
Meet me at the rainbow grill.
Meet me.
We'll have a good time there.
Meet me.
It's around there.
Meet me at the rainbow grill.
Everyone who's anyone is there.
It will be an elegant affair.
Meet me for the view there.
Meet me and you there.
Meet me at the rainbow grill.
Things just couldn't
be much sweller
at the top of the Rockefeller!
Meet me in Manhattan.
Meet me right at 7:00.
Meet me at the rainbow grill.
I said, meet me at
the rainbow grill.
You know what I
like best about me?
Everything.
Going down?
[screaming]
Ah, that was wonderful.
Not only was it
successful, it was ruthless
and completely unnecessary.
Rhonda Sue, prepare
for the final collapse
of the entire world.
Let's go.
The final blast
from the gloom beam
will obliterate the women
and children from the planet!
And if we're lucky, we could
hit a few innocent bystanders.
Let me out of here!
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
You go on without me.
I've got nothing left to give.
Hey, let's go.
I've made such
a mess of things.
I let everybody down.
I acted like such a fool.
You were right.
I just didn't pay
any attention to you.
Pull yourself together.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
So you're not perfect.
Big deal.
Sure.
It's just like you, Doris.
You're level-headed,
clear thinking.
You never give up!
You're grace under
pressure personified.
I hate to see you like this.
Hey, come on.
We're a team, you and me!
Yeah.
Yeah, just because we're in
the bottom of this dark pit,
and we're gonna die
a horrible death.
Oh, Lance.
And everybody is gonna say
it was my fault that everything
went wrong, and it was my
fault that things went wrong,
and we're gonna
die in this hole!
Lance, get a grip on yourself!
You hit me?
I'm in the middle of a personal
crisis, and you hit me!
It was for your own good.
Pain is never for your
own good, Miss Doris Talbot!
Yeah, sure.
I made some mistakes.
Sure, thing's could
have gone better,
but you didn't have to hit me.
[moaning]
What is this?
A theme park?
This is it?
Oh, great.
I love rides.
[moaning]
This is Von Schnick
ick ick's headquarters.
You may be right.
The riddle said "the
evil that lurks."
Where the sun never shines.
Welcome to my side
of town, Mr. lance.
Sterling.
It's been a long, long time.
Yeah, it sure has.
Let's see.
You missed our 10th reunion.
I was introducing cholera
to the third world nations.
Well, it's a good excuse,
but everyone asked about you.
It was nice we could have
this little chat before you die.
Willie, kill them.
Oh, Otto, don't you
think that's a bit unfair?
I mean, there are two of us.
[whirring]
You can't.
He's indestructible and
completely immune to pain.
Doris, why don't you see
if you can reason with him?
You've Always.
Been very, very good
at mechanical stuff.
Let's dance.
Uh.
Thanks, Doris.
Thanks.
Well, it's just you and me.
Come on.
Fight like a man.
Correction, Mr. Sterling.
That leaves you and us.
It's he who gambled with his
brains and a-- a gun, what.
I was he who had an
eye but could not see!
It was he who had
all and yet had none.
Doris, this is enough.
It was fun.
Now give me the pipe, Doris.
Ow!
Nobody messes with
my transmission!
[maniacal laughter]
[screaming]
So that's the way you
want to play it, huh?
Well, OK.
Now the gloves come off.
Young man, young man.
They're going to make
me their love slave.
That's the most outrageous
thing I've ever heard.
Stay back, ma'am.
They'll have to come
through me to get to you.
My hero.
Von Schnick ick ick!
Well, Miss Doris, your little
display was very impressive.
Futile, but impressive.
The gloom beam is now
locked on Ottomatic.
There's nothing you can do.
I win.
You lose.
[maniacal laughter]
[maniacal laughter]
Help, help, help!
Hurry!
[maniacal laughter]
LANCE (VOICEOVER):
It comes to this,
the choice between
right and wrong,
the ultimate decision
that every man must face.
Now is that time.
I must draw on the sum
total of the things
I've learned here on Earth,
from my good breeding,
my sense of style, and color,
excellent taste in wines.
How do i decide?
[screaming]
You can do it, Lance.
We're counting on you.
Make me proud, son.
LANCE (VOICEOVER): How do
I make this final choice.
[computer counting down]
One potato, two potato.
COMPUTER: Three potato.
Four.
COMPUTER: One, zero.
Whoopsie.
[maniacal laughter]
Boy, you were really
something in there,
the way you went after him.
Well, I only did
what had to be done.
And Doris, oh!
Yes, You.
Did more than your share too.
Oh, thanks.
Maybe this place
will have some gas.
You know, I bet it will.
Sure.
Just because the
last 12 places we've
been to have been out of
gas for months doesn't mean
that this place will be out.
No, we mustn't get
cynical as we get older.
Can we have a fill up?
We ran out of gas
down on the highway.
Hey, we got customers.
What's wrong, buddy?
Trouble under the hood?
Well, the only trouble
we have around here is,
we're out of gas.
Where have you been?
We ain't had any gas
since the money went bad.
No dinero, no petro, Comprendo?
Let's go.
I'm tired.
Can we stay here?
We'd better go.
OK.
Thank you.
Hey, girls!
How about a song?
(SINGING): If I
were a carpenter,
and you, Doris Talbot and
Tina Nelson from White Plains,
you were--
Bye-bye, y'all.
Have a nice day!
Know what I mean?
SONG: When the money is
spent to the very last cent,
riots and hatred
soon will commence.
And all the world's
commerce will be in a bind.
This is going to where
the sun never shines.
That's the riddle.
Can you solve it?
I don't think so.
I know you can't.
But if you don't
guess the riddle,
the world is going to die soon
and you don't stand a chance.
[maniacal laughter]
Who has one eye but cannot see?
Who is a he who is a she?
Why do they gamble
with brains and guns?
Who has it all and yet has none?
That's the riddle.
Can you solve it?
I don't think so.
I know you can't.
But if you don't
guess the riddle,
the world is going to die soon
and you don't stand a chance.
[maniacal laughter]
That's the riddle.
Can you solve it?
I don't think so.
I know you can't.
But if you don't
guess the riddle,
the world is going to die soon
and you don't stand a chance.
What has an eye
but cannot speak?
What has a mouth but cannot see?
Who is that man and what is
that [audio out] is the answer?
Is there a plan?
like an open wound.
Our sweet torture
will be starting soon.
We hold hands in the moonlight
as our passions congeal.
And in the confusion
sustain a contusion that,
properly cared for, won't heal.
(SINGING): And our love
festers, like an open wound.
Don't call the doctor.
I'll be better soon.
Then you'll infect me,
knowing I'll infect you,
knowing nothing
can make us immune,
and our love festers,
like an open wound!
Old movies are so relaxing.
That was a nice break, but now
back to the business at hand.
World domination is a
grueling, thankless job,
but someone has to do it.
Slave Willie, prepare
the Gloom beam.
- Yes, sir, Doctor.
- Girl.
Yes, sir.
Scramble stations.
Sure, Doctor.
[maniacal laughter]
Oh, really, this
is so much fun.
Very soon now, even the
smallest household bed
will die of slow starvation.
I am well acquainted with
the gloom beam, Doctor.
If it functions as
projected, there
will soon be an end to
the entire world's economy
as we know it.
The magnetic gloom beam.
My most destruction invention.
When we activate the device, a
magnetic ray will be created.
Travel out against the target.
It will scramble and erase
the magnetic impulses
on credit cards, bank
accounts, cash registers.
The economy will collapse.
Credit will be gone.
Money will be worthless.
No one will escape
the excruciating pain!
Help.
Homeless children will starve
in the street like dogs!
But we must be gentle.
These are so convenient.
You just punch in your
number and electronically
cash your check.
Hello, I'm Speedy Buck.
I can take care of all
your banking needs.
Bruce, look!
I can't believe it.
We're rich!
Look at it, how it
dances and sparkles.
It's wonderful!
And it's not only
beautiful, really.
It's destructive.
What is your choice
for the target, Doctor?
Cincinnati, of course.
The financial capital
of Southern Ohio.
Not here, Doctor.
Over to the left.
Men, the dilemma we face
is unequaled in the history
of Cincinnati Bank and Trust.
All of the computer tapes
in the accounting department
have either been
erased or scrambled,
checking accounts and deposits
vanished, bank loans lost.
We don't know who
owes what to whom!
It's just a mess.
Hodgkins, demonstrate
our problem
with your display model.
Yes, sir.
What this illustrates is
the global implication
of this threat.
I will drop this under
one of these rat traps.
This cork will represent
Cincinnati, which, as you know,
has been ravaged by
economic disaster
unlike anything seen since
the Great Depression.
Worse, gentlemen, than
losing the Super Bowl.
While the loss of
Cincinnati in and of itself
is relatively meaningless,
the possibility
of setting off a series of chain
reactions throughout the world
is very real and
very disturbing.
Observe!
[laughter]
Well, that about does it.
Just put on the
card, will you?
You know, I don't
know how we got
along before the credit card.
Next time, use the
self-service aisle.
Tina, Rhonda Sue, I'll be
on the air in a few moments.
Makeup, makeup.
[maniacal laughter]
Your plan seems to be
progressing according
to projections, Doctor.
You should be most gratified.
I will deliver to
the world a weapon
which may just save manki--
nah, it's a lie anyway.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Show time!
Good evening.
Thanks to the miracle of tissue
damaging microwaves, which also
cause sterility and cancer, I'm
coming to you, the whole world,
simultaneously.
And what I have for you
tonight is a riddle.
I love games.
Don't you?
And if you don't answer
this riddle correctly,
and I believe that you
have exactly no chance,
it will mean the end of
the world as we know it.
Doesn't that sound like fun?
OK, trivia freaks,
are you ready?
Because I'm only going to say
it once, and not very clearly.
You ready?
When the money is scrambled
to the very last cent,
riots and hatred
soon will commence.
When all the world's commerce
will be put in a bind
from the evils that lurk
where the sun never shines.
It is I, Dr. Otto
von Schnick, ick,
ick, ick, who has played on
you this trick, ick, ick, ick.
But who's Dr. Otto,
you may well ponder,
while all your magnetic
cash is squandered?
It's he who had an eye
and yet couldn't see.
It's he who served
bouillabaisse when was she.
It's he who gambled with
the brains and a gun.
It's he who had all
and yet had none.
And to stop this
horrible, twisted trick,
just exchange the
poem of old St. Nick.
And if that doesn't
do to save the day,
put another quarter in
and try another day.
Bye-bye.
[maniacal laughter]
He's a madman.
He's a madman.
He obviously has no
respect for anything,
human life, social values,
the bottom line, nothing.
There is one person who
can stop this fiend,
this paragon of evil.
One man with the skill,
ingenuity, and cunning
to stop this menace to the
free enterprise system,
a man who has made
it his life's work
to stop this prophet of doom.
Gentlemen, Mr. Lance Sterling
and his personal secretary,
Doris Talbot.
Mr. Sterling, I'm sure
that you and Doris
are aware of the grave
situation we face.
The whole financial fiber
of this country is at stake.
Yes, sir.
And you know what they
say, as Cincinnati goes,
so goes the nation.
Gentlemen, our
noble institution
is on the verge of collapse.
Soon, no one will be able
to afford food or clothing,
riots will break out,
the wholesale slaughter
of cosmetic clerks will begin.
The streets will
run red with blood
from stockbroker's suicides.
And to top it off, our
earnings will be down.
Don't worry, Mr Rutherford.
I'll solve this twisted
riddle and bring
this tasteless
totalitarian to justice.
Put your faith in
America's champion.
Yes, I know you will, Lance.
I have every confidence
in your ability
to seek out this money-mad
fiend, wherever he may lurk,
and to put an end to him
and his infernal machine.
Do you gentlemen have any
questions for Mr. Sterling?
Yes.
Mr, Sterling, if you could
be any animal you wanted,
what would it be?
Well, now that's a tough one.
It's him.
It's who?
Mr. Lance Cutesy
Buttsy never gets
Poop on his Shoes Sterling.
He's cute.
He's cute like the
plague, like boils,
like persistent itching.
He can save my day any time.
Mr. Clean Room, Never
Bored, Clearasil, Crosses
at the Walk Sterling?
You pea-brained incompetent.
Let me tell you a little story.
Once upon a time, there
were two little boys
born in the same
town on the same day.
Mr. And Mrs. Sterling,
Two little Lance
is the favorite of
the whole hospital.
All the nurses are
just in love with him.
He's so cute.
He's got his mother's eyes.
But he's got your dimples.
Hello, mother.
Hello, father.
I'm so glad you're my parents.
Oh, he's got your manners.
[crying]
Madam Von Schnick, I have
terrible news for you!
It lived!
[screaming]
Take it away, take it away!
You-- you mean this
is for me, this big box?
can I open it now?
Please?
Oh, great!
My own set of encyclopedias?
Now I can begin to unravel
life's mysteries for myself.
Gag me with that rope.
This is the best
Christmas ever.
And you're the best parents
anyone could ever have.
I've got something for you.
Open it.
Lance, you make me so proud.
Wonder what it could be.
It's the White House.
I made it out of
toothpicks in my spare time.
Oh, Lance.
It's beautiful!
Some day, I'm
gonna be a senator.
And I'm gonna make the world
a better place for all people.
Put her there, son.
"When I grow up, I'm going to
be a senator and make the world
a better place for everyone."
It's enough to make you
blow your beets in the snow.
[vomiting]
Mother, Father,
can we say it just
once, since it's Christmas?
Dad?
Sure, son.
Since it's Christmas.
I pledge allegiance to
the flag of the United
States of America--
I can't stand it.
I can't stand it.
I can't.
I hate Christmas.
Holidays were not looked forward
to in my happy little home
with my mommy and daddy dearest.
Maybe he won't come back.
Maybe he has run away.
Well, we can always hope.
It's all we've got.
But he did get us a
Christmas present this year.
What a surprise.
The only thing I ever got from
him before was nightmares.
Well, let's open it.
Maybe we should
wait until he's here?
Nah!
Maybe we could sell
it before he comes back!
All right.
Let's see what little Otto
got for his loving parents.
This is the best
Christmas ever.
And you're the best
parents anyone ever had.
(SINGING): Jingle
bells, jingle bells.
[maniacal laughter]
Sayonara, London.
"It is he who had an
eye but could not see.
It is he who served
bouillabaisse
when he was a she."
I've read it a dozen times, and
I still don't understand it.
Now, there's a surprise.
Yeah.
I'm usually really
good at parlor games.
Well, maybe Dr. Otto
doesn't want to be found.
Don't be ridiculous, Doris.
What good would it
do to have a riddle
so hard no one could solve it?
You're a smart girl, Doris, but
sometimes you just don't think.
did you bring the cooler.
Could use a cold drink.
The world is on
the brink of chaos.
We're trying to save it.
Somehow, the cooler
slipped my mind.
That's what I mean, Doris.
Sometimes, you just don't think.
[maniacal laughter]
Goodbye, Akron.
I like to 'em twice like that.
"It's he who had an
eye but could not see."
Do you suppose that
could be Mr. Potato Head?
It doesn't feel right, Lance.
Well, what do
you think it means?
Well, I don't know.
So it could be
Mr. Potato Head.
Yes, Lance.
I suppose it could.
I thought so.
So you think you will stop me?
You think I'll just
roll over and play dead?
Oh, please, Mr. Sterling.
Don't hurt me.
I want to do better.
I-- I want to be good like you!
Gee, thanks, Doc.
Quick, Willie.
More destruction, more carnage.
It's-- it's my lowest moment!
It's also so
deliciously unclean.
"It is he who
served bouillabaisse
when he was a she."
"Bouillabaisse," it originated
on the coast of France.
I knew that.
As you well know, I'm a--
I'm a gourmet cook.
It shows.
There is not an ounce
of fat on my body.
I'm on the metric system.
And now for Mr. perfect.
Quickly, into the
changing coffin.
We have work to do.
Ah, the changing coffin is
your favorite toy, Doctor.
Today, we will transform you
into tech, a soldier of fortune
and a socially
unacceptable mercenary.
This device goes way beyond
your old Halloween makeup kit
and transforms your features,
transmogrifies your,
speech, and gives you a
natty change of clothes
all at the same time.
Hold on to your RNA, Doctor.
This is your
supreme commander.
Have you--
Spotted.
Them yet?
Oh, good.
Then we can start to--
Spring.
Our trap.
I like this.
Doris, are you
sure the transmission
came from around here?
Whoopsie!
Car trouble.
Doris, did you
bring your AAA card?
Lance, I don't
think this is covered.
Well, let's find a phone
and call a service station.
We will ruin these rims
driving on flat tires.
Those youngsters look like
they're having themselves
the time of their lives.
Physical training is special
when it's started young.
It means so much to a
healthy, well balanced life.
Lance, come back here!
I'd love to, Doris,
but duty calls.
You know that.
I've got to find a phone,
fix the car, save the world.
That kind of thing, huh?
Boy, this is great.
Just like a police escort.
Is there a phone around here?
Good form.
Feet apart, hands low,
thrust, and withdraw.
Somebody deserves
a lot of credit
for teaching the
fundamentals here.
And I certainly look
forward to meeting them.
That ruddy fool.
I can't believe he just
strolled into camp.
Doesn't he know every shock
troop in the free world
is looking for that--
Commie.
Scum?
Sir, my data banks
indicate that Mr. Sterling
has been politically inactive
since his unsuccessful senate
race.
Don't you ruddy interrupt
me, you ruddy, liberal,
wimpy, piece of ruddy tin!
You, what?
Yes, sir, Doctor.
Well, ladies,
let's go meet this--
Red.
Terrorist that calls himself
Mr. Lance Sterling, eh?
You know, when I
was about your age,
my dad gave me a BB gun.
But the barrel should always
point up for safety's sake.
These are really wonderfully
trained youngsters.
I'm impressed.
Come to challenge
me face-to-face,
have you, Mr. Lance Sterlingsky
or whatever you call your--
Ruddy.
Self now.
Eh, what?
Uh, no.
We just wanna use your phone.
See, we had car trouble,
and, well, my AAA is expired.
You won't be using your--
Ruddy.
Three letter code
words to your--
Ruddy.
Commie comrades
in the bush, what!
No, no, no, not that.
No, we were driving, see, trying
to figure out this riddle.
Put this--
Ruddy.
Commie scum in the--
Guest.
Room over there.
We'll play a few little
games with their--
Ruddy.
Red rumps, what.
This does not look
like a phone booth.
Now, a phone booth has those
glass panels, the little metal
things, a shelf right here.
Yeah, and a lot more private.
Oh, what are you doing?
How can you touch those things?
I'm looking for something
to help us get out of here.
Well, whatever they had
didn't help them much.
Now, look, Doris, they're gonna
be expecting us to break soon,
to snap under the pressure.
But we are tougher than that.
We're Americans.
Let's keep our morale high.
Hey, I know.
How about a song?
(SINGING): If I were a
carpenter and you were a lady,
would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?
And now for the economic news.
Back to you, Mike.
Mr. Rutherford, Mr.
Rutherford, the entire city
has erupted.
People are going crazy.
The whole country
is in an uproar.
Mobs are storming all
the banks, burning
their checkbooks in protest.
They want their money.
And everything is scrambled up.
This Dr. Otto von Shnick ick
ick has reshuffled the deck,
and Lance Sterling is
nowhere to be found.
Cut him down.
Otto, or Hardtact, wants you to
play a little spin the barrel.
Oh boy, Doris.
I love to play games.
[marching chants]
Well, I see you and your--
-
Comrade here
decided to take me
up on my little invitation, eh?
Go, you yellow--
Pink.
O.
Well, I should
get to go first.
She always goes first.
She always gets to order
first in the restaurants.
She always gets the
window seat on the plane.
Now, I want to go first.
Oh, by all means.
Go on, Trotsky.
Drop the hammer.
Do it.
[clicking]
Let's get out of here, Lance!
What's the matter, Doris?
Don't you want your turn?
[speaking gibberish]
He got away.
He got away.
You let him get away!
Sir, my actions were
specifically directed
at capturing Lance Sterling.
It would be illogical to
assume that, as you say,
I let him get away.
I can't believe you said that.
Poor me.
Do you believe what we
machines put up with?
I mean, I did everything
a robot could possibly do.
I shot my little arrow.
I-- I flashed everything up
on the screens he wanted.
I did everything that I as
a machine could possibly do.
And what do he say?
"You let him get away."
Me, me!
Sterling, one escape
does not a victory make!
He sure got out of
that one easy enough.
Don't talk about him.
I hate him.
I've hated him for years!
Otto, I saw your yearbook.
Lance was class president.
Yes, and captain of
this and leader of that!
But it was there in high school
that my scientific genius
began to shine.
I remember the science fair.
Robert, much better
than last year.
- Thank you, Miss Apple.
- Pork through the ages.
Very good.
Girls, So nice and colorful.
Nutritious.
Let's hear it, Frank.
[barking]
What's under
the sheet, weirdo?
"What's under
the sheet, weirdo?"
Only the greatest
invention since nerve gas.
Only a major breakthrough
in the relationship
between man and machine.
That's all, weenie.
We'll show them,
won't we, Willie?
- Very educational, girls.
- We're proud of you.
Did you paint that yourselves?
Yes.
And what have you done
for the fair, Lance?
What I have done for my
science fair project, Miss
Apple, is to try and give
our students an opportunity
to see what it feels like to
exercise our most sacred right,
the right to vote.
I believe, Miss Apple,
and honored judge,
that each and
every one of us has
a duty to take a stand whenever
the opportunity arises.
As a proud American, and
one truly loves his country,
I wanted to make the
light of liberty shine.
As President Kennedy
said, it is not
what your country
can do for you,
it is what you can
do for your country.
Oh, Lance.
So, Miss Apple, will you be
the first to cast your vote
for the freedom of choice?
Ask not what you
can do for your robot.
Ask what your robot
can do for you.
Come on, Willie.
Let's play senseless violence.
Hello, I'm your new T9
voice activated robot.
I can walk and talk
like a real person.
I can perform complex functions.
Sayonara, Pork
Through the Ages!
[maniacal laughter]
Not the pork.
I'm happy now.
Little children in
China don't get pork.
Bye-bye, Bow-Wow.
Here, pooch.
That Otto has no
respect for anything.
Look what he's doing to
Janie Newsom's project.
Your project next.
Watch it.
Notice, if you will, the
robot's life-like movements,
its ability to understand
spoken commands,
and a vocabulary of
nearly 700 words,
such as "Attack, Willie!"
"Search and destroy."
"Tora, tora, tora!"
[maniacal laughter]
Really is a mostly
impressive experiment.
Well, I hope this
won't sway your judgment.
After all, if I know Otto,
he's found a way to cheat.
And besides, he has
no school spirit.
Otto, you stop this!
You tell this thing to behave!
And now let's exercise
our most sacred right.
Let's vote and vote and vote!
One machine, one vote!
I just pulled the
lever and this happened.
Lance, this booth may
have been a good idea,
but it needs a lot of
work to make it safe.
But-- but it wasn't
me, Miss Apple.
It was Otto.
Lance!
Be a man.
Don't blame others for
your mistakes, especially
those less fortunate.
La la la la la
la, la la la la la.
But Otto, he-- he-- he-- he--
Those were the good old days.
So did you win
the science fair?
In a way.
I won a special
scholarship which
allowed me to become
what I am today,
the human scum of the Earth.
I found them, Exalted One.
They're in the deep woods.
Good.
We have yet another chance
to finish that imbecile.
Oh, life is good!
Quick, into the changing coffin.
We haven't a moment to lose!
Laughing Jack Cockney.
[maniacal laughter]
Hey, look.
It's a little light.
Maybe it's a phone booth.
[screaming]
No!
no!
That should hold you, wench!
No, no!
No.
Tie her tighter there, James.
We wouldn't want her to wiggle
free and miss me chances
of catching that
living, breathing,
stinking scourge of the
wetlands known as the Dump.
[screaming]
Look at that, Doris.
What in heaven's name are
they doing to that young lady?
[screaming]
Well, me proud beauty,
maybe a taste of the whip'll
make you like your fate.
I still don't like it.
Wait just a minute.
If this is your idea of some
elaborate sorority initiation,
I think it's gotten
a little out of hand.
Don't look now, Polly,
but methinks some fresh bait
just swam into me bucket.
Now, I cannot
believe that this
young lady voluntarily
participates
in this type of shenanigans.
Now, fun is fun, but
this is going too far.
So you think me lads
have gone a bit too far?
[maniacal laughter] Eh, Jim?
It's not Jim.
It's Lance.
Lance Sterling.
And, well, yes, I do think
this barbaric ceremony
must come to a stop.
Don't you agree, Doris?
[moaning]
See that?
We all agree.
You'll not be interrupting me
chances of catching the Dump,
now would you, Jim?
The Dump?
Aye, the Dump, Jim, the Dump.
Bring him on up.
Ooh, soft but perishable.
This is not my
idea of hospitality.
Now, a friend in need
is a friend indeed.
I'm sure you'll agree with that.
Mr. Jack.
[laughter]
Well, now that we're all
here, how about a game?
How about a riddle?
OK, now-- now, I'll
go first, and you
see if you can solve it.
I'll tell you what.
I've got it written
down right in my pocket.
If you'd just get it for me,
I would really appreciate it.
Yeah.
No, a little more to the right.
Yeah, that's it.
You got it.
OK.
Can you open it up for me?
OK.
What has an eye but cannot see?
Mr. Potato Head.
[growling]
[screaming]
He rises!
I've got you now, you
lurking garbage bag.
The Dump, the Dump dies tonight!
Hey, hey, wait, fellas.
Are we late?
Did we miss anything?
Don't look, Jim.
It seems we be a mite late.
You know, Jim, methinks the Dump
would take a shining to you.
Yeah?
Aye, that he would.
He likes young boys like
you, Jim, that he does.
'Cause you're so young,
and pink, and educated.
You wouldn't dare!
You needs to be
helping your old mate,
Laughing Jack
O'Cockney, have his
revenge on that fowl-smelling
dump that ruined me good eye.
Well, I-- I--
under the circumstances--
No, Lance, no.
It would be good for you, Jim.
Aye, that it would.
Yeah, it would.
And what would we
have for him, Johnny?
It's a cabana side
by side freezer!
Ooh.
This cabana holds
up to 40 pounds
of fruits and vegetables,
and has a convenient icemaker
and water tap.
All from cabana if you help
Laughing Jack catch the Dump.
Back to you, Jack.
Oh, I'm just overwhelmed.
But I-- I don't know.
My apartment's too
small, and well--
We'll never help
you, no matter what.
Doris, with a side
by side freezer,
we'd be fools not to try!
[growling]
Doris.
Alex?
Is that you, Alex?
Rudy.
Well, I-- I go by Lance now.
Rudy, long time no see.
Rudy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Rudy.
How's it been going, Alex?
- Eh.
- How's the wife?
Fine.
LANCE: And the kids?
- OK.
Great.
Alex, how about
getting us loose?
Piece of cake.
How do you know this thing?
Once upon a time,
a long time ago,
I pulled a thorn out of his
paw when he was just a baggie.
[maniacal laughter]
Goodbye, Steubenville.
You'll thank me for this.
$788.45.
$962.33.
OK, do you have any coupons?
OK.
Total is $3,298,637.23.
I'll take back the pork chops.
MAN: Dollar collapses,
pound collapses.
Frank collapses.
MAN: Frank, Frank!
The true dimensions of
the economic catastrophe
the entire world is
experiencing will
not be known for some time.
What is known is that,
today, the Soviet Union
declared an end to
the use of the ruble
as its national currency and
declared boiled turnips to be
the new coin of the realm.
In Denmark, the national
sport of cheese wrestling
was suspended indefinitely
when the price
of a single small Gouda
arose to 150,000 kalatnicks.
Since we are traveling
in a diagonal from it,
we are either traveling
northwest or southeast.
So if we knew where we were--
Which we don't.
LANCE: We could get
back to civilization
and put an end to Otto
and all his shenanigans.
Thanks there, Alex.
Watch that slipped
disc there, buddy.
That's good.
Listen, it is great to
catch up on old times.
With you too.
Hey, lunch next week, OK?
Sure.
- Same meeting place as always?
- Certainly.
Good.
OK.
Before you go, and I
know you've gotta go,
let me read you something.
OK.
"To stop this horrible,
twisted trick,
just exchange the
poles of old St. Nick."
Mean anything to you?
Doesn't Santa live
at the North Pole
with all the elves
and everything?
Don't you think?
Ah, so you think that
the pole of old St. Nick
is the North Pole?
Yes, I do.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
Listen, great to see you again.
Good seeing you.
Lunch next week, same
meeting place as always?
- Of course.
- Good.
OK.
Say hi to the wife
and kids for me.
I will.
- And take care of yourself.
- OK.
All right.
Ciao.
What a prince.
He's so resourceful.
He is an idiot of
global proportions.
But at least my master
plan for world conquest
is coming along nicely.
I still don't
understand it all.
Well, here, Tina,
let me show you.
You see this little object no
larger than your fingernail?
Mhm.
Observe.
Oh.
I see, Doctor.
By starting the blocks,
you set up a chain reaction
which puts pressure on world
commodity markets, which
in effect re-adjusts
the annual circulation
rate of liquid accounts
into the liability column.
And the Federal Reserve will
have to devaluate currency
in a futile attempt to cope.
Close.
In Washington DC, the
food riots continued.
And in New York City, looters
rampaged through that city's
financial district, tarring
and feathering some two
dozen bankers and brokers.
MAN (ON TV): And now we return
to love in the afternoon.
Mr. Rutherford.
Mr. Rutherford, sir,
I've been running this
through our centauri
systems XY computer,
and it seems to have come
up with an interesting twist
on all this.
Centauri's conclusion is
that this Dr. Otto von
Schnick ick ick is only a menace
because we do not control him.
If we could persuade Von Schnick
to be on the board of the bank,
or perhaps partners
with the bank,
we could control the world's--
[muffled speech]
Well, thank you sir!
[muffled speech]
What's wrong with you
guys in intelligence?
I want you to do something
about all of this.
We've prepared
some new scenarios.
Like the Bay of Pigs?
It could have worked.
And this wonderful
Vietnam report.
Do you see a light at
the end of this tunnel?
Butt in the bureaucrat.
The economy has gone
to hell in a handbasket,
and you guys have come.
We've formulated a
psychological profile
on this Von Schnick character.
I'm sure it's a breakthrough.
You want the password.
"Green cheese is a
mouse's only friend."
Mr. President, the
economy of this country
is on the verge of collapse.
Don't you think I know that?
Sir, all of the government
accounting computers
have been wiped clean.
The Treasury Department
has no idea how
much money is being printed.
And what's worse, most of the
senator's expense accounts
have vanished from our records.
You mean to tell
me we have no idea
how much money this country
owes or who owes us?
That's correct, sir.
So in effect, the
national debt is wiped out.
You could say that.
That's great!
Call a press conference.
I've been tracking 'em.
They're approaching the cliff.
Otto, what are
you going to do?
Tempt the idiot!
Lure him to his doom.
They will help me.
And so will you.
I'll lead him to his
destruction and crush him
like a ripe grape!
[maniacal laughter]
I hope I'm not out of line.
[maniacal laughter]
I'm hungry.
This place is full
of mosquitoes.
Where are we going, anyway?
You're supposed
to be the leader!
Well, I can't do everything.
My training is in making
command decisions,
motivating large numbers
of stalwart troops,
giving pep talks.
That sort of thing.
But I'm hungry.
Fish.
I can catch fish!
I can use this little
thorn for a hook.
And I can unravel some
thread from-- from my sweater
for line.
Oh, and I can use this little
gum wrapper for a lure!
Boy, this is fun!
[screaming]
WOMAN: Help, help!
Lance, quick.
She needs help!
- Hey, who needs help?
Me!
It's not going at
all like they said
it would at survival training.
She needs us.
That's great, Doris.
I finally catch us
something to eat,
and you just cut it
loose without any thought
for anybody but yourself!
[screaming]
Oh dear.
Maybe there's another way.
Oh.
Oh, that's it, Doris.
Leave me here to
save the day, and you
go off to find an easier path.
Oh boy, that's typical Doris.
Typical of too many
women who try to make
their way into the real world.
They crumble at the
first sign of trouble!
[screaming]
Nobody's gonna believe this.
Little Tina Nelson
from White Plains,
hanging 1,000 feet
off the ground.
Help!
[screaming]
My makeup's running.
My hair's a mess.
And I'm gonna die.
Why?
Because I didn't
listen to my mother
and fell for a foreign
accent with a hand
growing out of his head.
[screaming]
This is it.
I'm going to die now and miss
the whole rest of my life.
But that's the way life
goes for little Tina Nelson
from White Plains.
[screaming]
This things is about to fall.
No, no, no, let me get
out of the way first!
Now I'll never be a nurse.
A nurse?
Oh, that is a noble goal.
And one that makes
good use a woman's
natural tendencies
to [screaming]
to make soup, To
change dirty linen.
Whatever your current
problems may be,
you are obviously a good girl.
Not like Charlotte DeBlaine.
Who couldn't be satisfied
with a law practice.
No, she had to
get into politics.
I should be a senator today.
And then for that debate--
[doorbell rings]
You saved me.
You were never in
any real trouble.
Fear is a phantom
that clouds the mind.
I love it when you
talk metaphysical.
Oh great.
Food at last.
You know, my blood sugar
is at an all time low.
So that moron of morality
has taken our bait.
Mr. Honest Mug or
Nothing Sterling,
you won't get away this time!
Get out of my way, you nib
mass of thermal conductors.
I'm trying, Doctor, but--
- Under who?
- We're tangled.
I can't--
Get this oversized
piece of metal off me.
To the changing coffin!
[music playing]
That chicken was
good, but, well,
a balanced diet is important.
Bird can't fly on a broken
wing, as my mother always said.
"Would you like
some sweet repose?"
Repose means sleep.
I knew that.
I got excellent scores on
the verbal part of my SATs.
And always did well in English.
It was the math parts that
always got me, though.
Me too.
I never understood
any of that stuff,
quantum theory, astrophysics,
binary trigonomics.
Made me feel so dumb.
Well, we have
something in common.
Uh, Doris?
Uh, Doris?
We need to stay together, OK?
[whistling] Well, it looks
like we're on the right path
after all.
I could use a hot bath
and something to eat.
Boy, me too.
You don't think this is some
sort of trick, do you, Doris?
Why would i think that?
We're miles from
civilization, in the middle
of an impenetrable
forest, following
the only path anywhere,
and watching Auntie
Nelda signs pop out of nowhere.
Why would I think
this was a trick?
Good.
It felt all right to me too.
Work, work, work.
That's all I do.
I hire a domestic, it's
like adopting a child.
He creates work for me.
I ask him to do a
few simple tasks--
water the flowers.
What happens?
I end up watering the flowers.
Well, you little
darling, you're blooming.
Here.
I hope you strangle on it.
You're lucky to get it.
Little flowers in China
don't even get water.
Hello, travelers.
Boy, this is our lucky day.
She seems real nice.
Welcome to Auntie Nelda's.
Boy, this is our lucky day.
She seems real nice.
We are going to
have a little--
We don't have a chance.
We're going to meet
lots of nice young people.
(SINGING): Someone's in
the kitchen with Willie.
Someone's in the kitchen I know.
Someone's in the
kitchen with Willie.
Come on, socket head.
They're waiting to eat!
Bouillabaisse can
not be hurried, Doctor.
Now, battery breath, now!
It really needs
a few more minutes,
Doctor, for the ingredient
to marry their essences.
Now, all of a sudden, I've
got a Julia Childs to deal with.
But-- but-- but, Doctor.
I-- not the liquefier, Doctor!
Nah, this is no trick.
Now, what would make me
think this was a trick?
All right, Miss Grump.
Just be that way.
She'll feel much better after
a hot meal and some sleep.
So will I.
So pick up those
fingers there,
bolt head, and mop up
the rest of that oil!
Please, forgive any disturbance.
I don't suppose I have to
tell you how hard it is
to find suitable help nowadays.
I know just what you mean.
It smells yummy.
I am starved.
Oh, me too.
It's from an
old family recipe.
Um, aren't you eating?
No, dear.
I'm on a water diet.
Well, I hope you're
taking a vitamin supplement.
I try to take care of myself.
My son Jaime, he never
took care of himself.
He didn't weigh 90 pounds
soaked in paving tar.
Well, I'm famished.
What's in this, anyway?
Oh, just some fresh herbs
and things from the garden.
Pardon.
This is the incompetent
I mentioned earlier.
Vin, Mademoiselle?
Please.
I hope it's called cold duck.
You would.
And you, madame?
None for me, thanks.
It's an excellent year.
It's audacious and yet
endearingly understated.
Well, I usually
don't drink, but, well,
tonight feels special.
No thanks.
I would consider it a personal
insult to my hospitality
if you did not drink a
toast to my dead son, Jaime.
What's the matter
with you, Doris.
It smells like an
excellent year.
A bit presumptuous,
but not too brash.
Sort of fizzy.
Tickles my nose.
She is so cute.
Come on, Doris.
All All right, but
I've got a bad feeling.
To those weary travelers
who came so unexpectedly
and brought with
them such happiness
for a tired old woman.
You don't know what it
means to me to have company,
me, a tired old
woman with a dead son
who is no longer alive.
Well, I guess you don't
get many people here.
You build a little
restaurant, you
try to make a way for
yourself in your later years,
and what happens?
They move the flipping highway.
And in the name of progress.
Merci beaucoup.
Doris, you're embarrassing me.
Go on.
Now, that's better.
You were right.
What can I tell you?
"I've got a bad
feeling," you said.
You've gotta learn to trust
those instincts, honey.
They look just like Jaime.
Only bigger.
If Auntie Nelda thinks we
are paying for this room,
she is very much mistaken.
I don't think that's
what she had in mind.
Why are we tied up?
Where's Tina?
What is going on here?
Let me put it to you gently.
I think this is a trick.
Not again.
I can't stand it when
people take advantage
of my trusting nature.
Well, it takes all kinds.
There was something
strange about Auntie Nelda.
And my father told me never
to eat in restaurants where
the prices weren't on the menu.
Well, it's too
late for that now.
Well, I hope they've
come to their senses.
My wrists are
beginning to chafe.
Tina, boy, am I glad to see you.
Don't be!
She's in it with Auntie Nelda.
Oh, and we had
so much in common.
I'll always
remember you, Lance.
Here's looking at you, kid.
What's gonna happen to us?
Auntie wants to freeze dry
you and use your body parts
to feed her army of zombies.
Well, at least
we won't be wasted.
I signed the organ
donor card on the back
of my driver's license.
Can-- can you
just stand by and--
and let her turn him into
part of an army of zombies?
Can you do that to the zombies?
Basically, I'm not
a very good person.
[snort]
I don't believe
that for a minute.
It's true, though.
I've lied, and
cheated, and swindled,
and stolen, even killed people.
Well, sure.
Who doesn't have a few
things in their past
they'd rather forget?
And besides, I think they
sort of add character.
How can you do this?
I don't know.
Otto-- I mean,
Auntie Neldie, she'd
be so mad if I let you go.
Well, look at it this way.
I saved you from
the killer chickens.
I helped you through the forest.
I-- I tried to open
up and relate to you
as one human being to another.
I gave you makeup tips.
You owe me this.
I've never done
anything good before.
It's not so bad.
No, it's really easy
once you get used to it.
Why, there are times when I
can't stop doing good things.
Yeah, it's like eating peanuts.
So Willie, for all your
obvious incompetence,
the bouillabaisse was excellent.
And the wine was immaculate.
Gee, thanks, Doc.
Your service, as
usual, was atrocious.
But the food was good.
So, Tina, saying goodbye
to Mr. Perfect, hm?
If you think that you
can get away with this,
you are very much mistaken.
On the contrary, I
have gotten away with it.
And as soon as my marginally
intelligent assistant prepares
the hardware, I'm
going to turn you
into crusty little fragments
of your former selves.
Taking advantage of people
who are weaker than yourself
is the mark of a bad person.
It's me.
I'm a real sicko.
I suppose you could
blame my parents,
but I just can't stop
doing nasty things.
It's like eating peanuts.
There you are.
Willie, you imbecile,
what have you broken now?
Can you believe the things
I have to put up with?
In many ways, I'm
almost a saint.
I should live with
Jaime, God rest his soul.
Doctor, about the
wheel of death--
Are you really going
to let this happen?
Don't talk to me anymore!
If you could
just undo one hand,
well, we could say
I did it myself.
We could say a rat
bit through it.
We could say--
- Be quiet!
Oh, all right.
This may not save you, but
it'll sure change things.
Great idea!
Cover us up, and
we'll lie real still,
and she won't even
know we're here.
And it's dark.
She's old.
It could work.
What is this?
It's a transporter shroud.
I'm not sure how it works.
Transporter shroud?
Doris, does this make
any sense to you?
Anything makes more
sense than becoming
part of an army of zombies!
[maniacal laughter]
The hated Lance
Sterling escaped.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
But I-- I mustn't let
those feelings stay inside.
At least, that's
what my analyst says.
"Otto, you mustn't keep
those feelings inside.
You need to let them out.
Anger can a very healthy thing."
But when I get angry, the
thing I want to do most
is destroy something.
But Otto, I didn't
do anything wrong.
She did!
Sweet Monique, you've
been like a daughter to me.
You've been with
me for years, never
complaining, always faithful.
And this is how I
repay your loyalty.
Sometimes, I'm disgusting
even to myself.
Watch this, Tina.
For abandoning me.
[screaming]
Ah.
It feels so good
to get those pent
up anxieties out of the system.
Sorry to interrupt, big guy,
but Lance Sterling approaches.
To the changing coffin.
To that old changing coffin.
Now where Are we
Lance, don't ask
me any questions.
Don't explain anything to me.
Don't say a word.
Now, let's try to find
a way out of here.
Doris, I--
Now, not-- not a word.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Back to good old
civilization for me.
Lance.
Lance, wait.
Lance, be careful!
[laughter]
There you are, Doctor.
Yeah, I got a lot of
money, more wealth than you
can possibly imagine.
But I like to think I'm the
same unspoiled guy dandy I was
before I inherited every dime.
Yeah, I'm not the only
rich person in the world.
There are other rich people.
I know.
I gave them their money.
We have company.
Pardonez-moi.
I'm Guy Daniels.
The Guy Daniel.
The one you heard so much about.
DORIS: Where are we?
You're with me.
And what better
opportunity to meet me,
Guy Dandy the man,
not just the legend.
How about a little drinkie poo?
Well, sure.
Now, what we really need,
Guy, is to use your phone.
What you need, Frankie, is
to get up against the wall
and be real quiet.
Why did you do it, Frankie?
We was partners and
you double crossed me.
What made you think you
could get away with it?
It's happening
again, isn't it?
Again.
Now?
[maniacal laughter]
Sorry about that
senate seat, Lance.
My dad bought me a seat.
SONG: Meet me in Manhattan.
Meet me wearing satin.
Meet me at the rainbow grill.
Meet me.
We'll have a good time there.
Meet me.
It's around there.
Meet me at the rainbow grill.
Everyone who's anyone is there.
It will be an elegant affair.
Meet me for the view there.
Meet me and you there.
Meet me at the rainbow grill.
Things just couldn't
be much sweller
at the top of the Rockefeller!
Meet me in Manhattan.
Meet me right at 7:00.
Meet me at the rainbow grill.
I said, meet me at
the rainbow grill.
You know what I
like best about me?
Everything.
Going down?
[screaming]
Ah, that was wonderful.
Not only was it
successful, it was ruthless
and completely unnecessary.
Rhonda Sue, prepare
for the final collapse
of the entire world.
Let's go.
The final blast
from the gloom beam
will obliterate the women
and children from the planet!
And if we're lucky, we could
hit a few innocent bystanders.
Let me out of here!
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
You go on without me.
I've got nothing left to give.
Hey, let's go.
I've made such
a mess of things.
I let everybody down.
I acted like such a fool.
You were right.
I just didn't pay
any attention to you.
Pull yourself together.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
So you're not perfect.
Big deal.
Sure.
It's just like you, Doris.
You're level-headed,
clear thinking.
You never give up!
You're grace under
pressure personified.
I hate to see you like this.
Hey, come on.
We're a team, you and me!
Yeah.
Yeah, just because we're in
the bottom of this dark pit,
and we're gonna die
a horrible death.
Oh, Lance.
And everybody is gonna say
it was my fault that everything
went wrong, and it was my
fault that things went wrong,
and we're gonna
die in this hole!
Lance, get a grip on yourself!
You hit me?
I'm in the middle of a personal
crisis, and you hit me!
It was for your own good.
Pain is never for your
own good, Miss Doris Talbot!
Yeah, sure.
I made some mistakes.
Sure, thing's could
have gone better,
but you didn't have to hit me.
[moaning]
What is this?
A theme park?
This is it?
Oh, great.
I love rides.
[moaning]
This is Von Schnick
ick ick's headquarters.
You may be right.
The riddle said "the
evil that lurks."
Where the sun never shines.
Welcome to my side
of town, Mr. lance.
Sterling.
It's been a long, long time.
Yeah, it sure has.
Let's see.
You missed our 10th reunion.
I was introducing cholera
to the third world nations.
Well, it's a good excuse,
but everyone asked about you.
It was nice we could have
this little chat before you die.
Willie, kill them.
Oh, Otto, don't you
think that's a bit unfair?
I mean, there are two of us.
[whirring]
You can't.
He's indestructible and
completely immune to pain.
Doris, why don't you see
if you can reason with him?
You've Always.
Been very, very good
at mechanical stuff.
Let's dance.
Uh.
Thanks, Doris.
Thanks.
Well, it's just you and me.
Come on.
Fight like a man.
Correction, Mr. Sterling.
That leaves you and us.
It's he who gambled with his
brains and a-- a gun, what.
I was he who had an
eye but could not see!
It was he who had
all and yet had none.
Doris, this is enough.
It was fun.
Now give me the pipe, Doris.
Ow!
Nobody messes with
my transmission!
[maniacal laughter]
[screaming]
So that's the way you
want to play it, huh?
Well, OK.
Now the gloves come off.
Young man, young man.
They're going to make
me their love slave.
That's the most outrageous
thing I've ever heard.
Stay back, ma'am.
They'll have to come
through me to get to you.
My hero.
Von Schnick ick ick!
Well, Miss Doris, your little
display was very impressive.
Futile, but impressive.
The gloom beam is now
locked on Ottomatic.
There's nothing you can do.
I win.
You lose.
[maniacal laughter]
[maniacal laughter]
Help, help, help!
Hurry!
[maniacal laughter]
LANCE (VOICEOVER):
It comes to this,
the choice between
right and wrong,
the ultimate decision
that every man must face.
Now is that time.
I must draw on the sum
total of the things
I've learned here on Earth,
from my good breeding,
my sense of style, and color,
excellent taste in wines.
How do i decide?
[screaming]
You can do it, Lance.
We're counting on you.
Make me proud, son.
LANCE (VOICEOVER): How do
I make this final choice.
[computer counting down]
One potato, two potato.
COMPUTER: Three potato.
Four.
COMPUTER: One, zero.
Whoopsie.
[maniacal laughter]
Boy, you were really
something in there,
the way you went after him.
Well, I only did
what had to be done.
And Doris, oh!
Yes, You.
Did more than your share too.
Oh, thanks.
Maybe this place
will have some gas.
You know, I bet it will.
Sure.
Just because the
last 12 places we've
been to have been out of
gas for months doesn't mean
that this place will be out.
No, we mustn't get
cynical as we get older.
Can we have a fill up?
We ran out of gas
down on the highway.
Hey, we got customers.
What's wrong, buddy?
Trouble under the hood?
Well, the only trouble
we have around here is,
we're out of gas.
Where have you been?
We ain't had any gas
since the money went bad.
No dinero, no petro, Comprendo?
Let's go.
I'm tired.
Can we stay here?
We'd better go.
OK.
Thank you.
Hey, girls!
How about a song?
(SINGING): If I
were a carpenter,
and you, Doris Talbot and
Tina Nelson from White Plains,
you were--
Bye-bye, y'all.
Have a nice day!
Know what I mean?
SONG: When the money is
spent to the very last cent,
riots and hatred
soon will commence.
And all the world's
commerce will be in a bind.
This is going to where
the sun never shines.
That's the riddle.
Can you solve it?
I don't think so.
I know you can't.
But if you don't
guess the riddle,
the world is going to die soon
and you don't stand a chance.
[maniacal laughter]
Who has one eye but cannot see?
Who is a he who is a she?
Why do they gamble
with brains and guns?
Who has it all and yet has none?
That's the riddle.
Can you solve it?
I don't think so.
I know you can't.
But if you don't
guess the riddle,
the world is going to die soon
and you don't stand a chance.
[maniacal laughter]
That's the riddle.
Can you solve it?
I don't think so.
I know you can't.
But if you don't
guess the riddle,
the world is going to die soon
and you don't stand a chance.
What has an eye
but cannot speak?
What has a mouth but cannot see?
Who is that man and what is
that [audio out] is the answer?
Is there a plan?