Dr. Alien (1989) - full transcript

Dr. Ackerman, the biology teacher at the local college, meets with an untimely demise when chased by a UFO. Wesley, one of his students, is having trouble attracting women. That all changes when bombshell Ms. Xenobia takes over Ackerman's class and persuades Wesley to participate in some vitamin research she and her assistant Drax are conducting. Suddenly Wesley has become very desirable, despite the fleshy antenna that grows out of his head during excitement. His newfound success threatens to alienate the girl he really cares about (Leeanne), and Xenobia's motives may have something to do with the fact that she is not of this earth.

And it looks like
the fog's gonna hang in there

most of the night, so be
careful out on the road.

Now, on a humorous note, a
woman on Grover's Mill Drive

just called in to report an
unidentified flying object.

She claims it hovered

over her garage for several minutes

and made a sound like a
hairdryer, only louder.

Well, folks, I guess we should keep

watching the skies for that one.

I'm Burt Ralston for KAH news.


It started out as a
perfectly ordinary morning,

when my loving brother
called me down to breakfast.

Hey, butthole!

Breakfast is ready!

And this is me.

My name is...

Wesley are you deaf or what?

I'll be right down!

People say I'm dull and boring.

Maybe they're right.

Good morning dear.

Good morning, Mom.

Good morning, Dad.

Morning, son.

Did you sleep well, dear?

Oh, yes, fine, thanks.

How do you like college so far?

Oh, it's great,

and I have some very interesting classes.

How about your grades?

Well, biology's tough,
but I really think

that I can maintain a B average.

Oh, big deal!

Bradford, you could learn
a lesson from your brother,

and take your studies more seriously.

And risk being as boring as he is?

No thanks, Pops.

Bradford, that is no way to talk.

Wesley is an intelligent,
upstanding young man,

who will make a fine junior vice president

at your father's accounting firm someday.


I wanna be a teamster.

Well, now, dear, have you
met any nice girls at school?

Well, Mom, I've only been
there for a couple of months.

You know, with classes and all...

Oh, come now, there must be someone.


There was.

Oh, Wesley, I love you
more than life itself.

Are you all right?

Yeah, Dad, I'm okay.

Well, there's my ride, I better be going.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Dad.

He's such a good boy.

He's such a douchebag.

This is my best friend, Marvin.

Again with the necktie.

People are gonna think you're
my lawyer or something.

Don't you know this is the '80s?

For some reason,

he likes to remind me what decade it is.

Would you lay off, Marvin?

I don't always tell you how to dress.

Neither does my mother.

Hey, man, did you hear about Dr. Ackerman?

No, what about him?

He crashed his car,
wound up in the hospital.

You're kidding.

No shit.

Hey, wanna hear the funny part?


He told the cops he was run off the road

by extraterrestrials.

E. T. In a Camaro, huh?

Little did I know,

this was the beginning of it all.

Thank you.

Hey, man, what gives?

A-hoo, Leeanne Stevens, yeah.

What's goin' on with you two?


Oh, nothing.

What do you mean, "Oh, nothing"?

I mean nothing.

Have you even talked to her?

Wesley, studies have shown
that guys get much further

with girls after they talk.

You need to let her know you exist.

And how am I supposed to do that?

I don't know, try something different.

Try something imaginative.

Try going up and saying hi!

I can't do that!

Besides, I'm gonna be late for class.

Hey, give me back my notes!

Not 'til you go up
an introduce yourself.

Quit fooling around, Marvin!

There's only one way
you're gonna get these back.

You'll thank me for this some day.

If I didn't kill him first.

Go, Wesley, go, you stud, you.

Oh, shit.

Can I borrow this?

Thank you.

Why don't you look where
the hell you're goin', creep?


All you freshmen this fucking stupid,

or are you an exception.


What's the matter, retard?

Can't you talk?

I'm sorry!


Sorry ain't gonna cut it, pal.

I'm gonna have to teach you some manners.


Wesley, there you are!

Thank you so much for finding him.

I don't know how I let him wander off.

What the fuck are you talking about?

My God, man!

Can't you see this boy is blind?


Yes, since birth!

A tragic story, I don't
have time right now.

Wesley, you mustn't leave
house without your cane.

You're liable to step in front of a bus!

It's just been so
terrible since the dog died.

Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

Used to lead him everywhere.

Come along, Wesley.

I'll take you back to the braille library.

Grab my arm.

Oh, I guess you don't
realize how lucky you are

'til you see something like that.

Those bastards, ooh, I'm gonna...

Save it, let's get to biology class.

Hey, man.

So, nobody seems to know
who Ackerman's replacement is.

Well, we'll find out in one minute.


Shit, if we live that long.


When did they transfer into this class?

Good morning, class.

I'm Ms. Xenobia, the new biology teacher.

Now, I'm sure you're all concerned

about Dr. Ackerman's condition.

Word from the hospital is he's doing well.

So, let's just pick up where
he left off, the human body.


Marvin, what can you
tell me about your penis?

Not much.

Coitus, the biological function

that is the subject for so
many colorful euphemisms.

Banging, screwing, hosing, humping.

All terms used to describe
a simple act of nature.

Following foreplay,
penetration is achieved

when the male's penis is thrust
into the female's vagina,

causing physical
stimulation, what happens?


Going steady?

Oh, what a hoot.

Ejaculation, popping your
cookie, shooting your wad,

blowing your load, releasing
thousands and thousands

of tiny, tiny sperm, each
hellbent on reaching the egg.

Next session, we'll talk about
fertilization of the egg,

but before you go, I
need someone to help me

in the lab after school.

Any volunteers?

Me, me, me, me!

Of course, whoever's chosen
will receive extra credit.

Wesley Littlejohn, thank you very much.

Please report back here
at four this afternoon.

Class dismissed!

Did you see the size
of those cones on her?

You could get lost in them for days.

Okay, I will admit she
is somewhat attractive.

She's a goddess.

A goddess with giant cones.

But why would she be interested in me?

I'm a student.

She would be violating
her professional ethics.

Wake up and smell the cappuccino, pally.

Some older women like younger guys.

They like the shy, quiet, awkward types.


Hey, there's no accounting for taste.

If I were her, I would've picked me.

Oops, gotta go.

I'm late for gym class.

I didn't know you took gym.

I don't, it's girl's gym.

I like to sneak a peek when
they're all in the showers.

Marvin is a real pervert.

Hey, if Ms. Zimbabwe
or whatever her name is

grabs your ass when you're
bent over the Bunsen burner,

remember where you heard it first.

The scary thing is
I think he's the normal one.

Excuse me?

Excuse me, do you mind if I get a drink?



Fate had lent a hand.

My destiny was being shaped,

but I didn't know what
shape it was taking.


Ms. Xenobia?

Are you in here?

What are you doing here?

Classes are over.

Uh, I'm here to assist Ms. Xenobia

in a project for extra credit.

Ah, and you must be the


That's right.

My name is Wesley Littlejohn.





You'll do.


May I ask who you are?

I am Drax.

Mr. Drax.

I am Ms. Xenobia's personal
laboratory assistant.

Tell me, do you know what
kind of work I'll be doing?

It's an experiment.

Will it be on an animal?

As a matter of fact, it is.


I'm glad to see you're on time.

It's very important for a
scientist to be punctual.

I always heard that.

So, have you been filled in

on what we'll be doing together?

Well, Mr. Drax tells me

that we'll be experimenting on an animal.

Well, in a broad biological
sense, I guess that we are.

You see, I'm researching
new forms of vitamins

and their effects on the human system.

Human system?

Yes, we want you to be a test subject.

Now, wait a minute.

What do you mean, like
some kind of guinea pig?

It's only a vitamin,
Wesley, it's perfectly safe.

But why me?

I'm not in good shape,
I don't ever exercise.

Well, that's precisely
why you were chosen.

If we were to have picked
someone more athletic,

we wouldn't be sure of our results.

Well, what kind of
results do you expect?

Just an improved physical condition.

Healthier, happier you.

On second thought, I
didn't need the extra credit.

I just remembered I told
my folks I'd be home early.

Well, what about the experiment?


Maybe some other time, huh?

But Wesley, science needs you!

Well, actually, I've never really been

all that fond of science.

To tell you the truth, I've
always been partial to music.

In fact, I think I'll go buy a harmonica

or banjo or something.

Hey, what gives?

I just wanted to be
assured of your cooperation.

Isn't this a little drastic?

Not at all.

Now, drop your pants.

No thanks!

Wesley, this won't hurt a bit.

How come I have a hard
time believing that?

Back off, buster!

Drax, we must respect Wesley's wishes.

If he's changed his
mind about assisting us,

we mustn't try to force
him, right, Mr. Drax?

Yes, Ms. Xenobia.

If you want to go, then go,

and let's not have any
hard feelings, okay?

Gosh, sorry.

Guess I got a little carried away.

We're sorry too, Wesley.

Now, go on home.

I'll see you in class tomorrow.


Goodnight, Wesley.




You have such a wonderful
way with young people.

You just have to know
how to handle them.

I'd never felt
anything like this before.

It was like my insides had
been turned to guacamole

and my brain was being microwaved.

Something very strange
was happening to me.

I hope we're on the
right track this time.

Yes, we can't afford any more failures.

The subject does show promise.

I felt like I
was going out of my head.

Is it working?

Yes, it's working.

I want you.

You do?


Take me now.

I'm not quite
sure what happened next,

but it must have been pretty good.

Thank you so much for
assisting us, young man.

You may go home now.

It appears that we have succeeded.

We shouldn't be so quick
to congratulate ourselves.

We must check our findings
and make more tests.

But you are pleased
with the results so far?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Scientific research can be so rewarding.

I didn't
know what, why, or how.

All I knew was I'd had
a wonderful experience,

but I also felt my body had been invaded

by something weird and terrifying.

Wesley, why are you home so late?

I was earning extra
credit in biology class.

Good work, son!

But remember to give us
a call next time, hm?

Sure thing, Dad.

Are you feeling all right, dear?

Yes, Mom, I feel fine.

Would you like me to
fix you something to eat?

No, Mom.

I think I'll turn in early.

Good night.

Good night, dear.

He looks so tired.

Do you think he's studying too hard?

Nothing a good night's
sleep won't handle.

That night, my mind was filled

with many exciting visions.

What did all mean?

Come on, dickhead, rise and shine!

It's time to get your ass dressed.

It's hard to describe
what felt different.

It was the first time I
can remember waking up

and not dreading what the day would bring.


Oh, Wesley, sit down
and eat your breakfast.

It's getting cold.

Sorry, got no time, I gotta run.

But dear, you missed
your dinner last night.

I'll survive.

You don't want me to be
late for class, do ya?

Well, no, I guess not,

but aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yeah.

It's my turn to drive.

Today, I had a very special stop to make.


You want a ride?

Do I know you?

Name's Wesley.

I'm a freshman at Corman.

I see you walkin' there all the time.

I thought maybe I'd offer you a lift.

Come on, I haven't chainsawed
any girls for at least a week.


I'm Leeanne.

You know, you look really familiar.

I guess I just have one of those faces.

What's your major?


My dad wants me to be an
accountant like he is,

but I've been having second thoughts.

I might wanna go into something else.

Yeah, like what?

I dunno.

I used to take piano
lessons when I was a kid.

Maybe I'll get back into music.


I'm studying music.

Oh yeah?

Is that what you major in?

My parents don't think
it's very practical.

Your dad probably feels the same way, huh?


What's his problem?

It's just some asshole
I bumped into yesterday.


If you're going to have a
drag race with that neanderthal,

you can let me out here.


If you're trying to impress
me, it's not working!

Slow down!



Slow down, Dirk!

Shut up!

Okay, what if I say I'm impressed?

Will you consider slowing down

and letting me the heck out?

Now where are we going?

This isn't the way to school!

Wesley, is that you?

Shut up and get in the car.


What happened, man?

Your mom slip some Viagra
into your milk or something?

Marvin, I'd like you to meet Leeanne.

How are ya?

I'm being kidnapped.

No shit!

You know, I don't know
what's gotten into you, man,

but it is radical!

You know this is the first time

I've ever seen him without a tie?

Who cares what the guy's wearing?

He's a psychopath!


Come on, Leeanne, wait a minute!

Well, sure know how to
make yourself popular, huh?


Aw, crap.

I'm sure you're
familiar with this melody.

What are you doing here?

I just came by to apologize.

Yeah, for what?

A, for driving too fast,

B, scaring you to death,

or C, for being a jerk.

How about D, all of the above?

I'll go along with that.

You know, you're pretty good.


You must practice a lot.

Not really.

I haven't played since I was nine.

You're kidding!

Uh-uh, it just came back to me.

I guess it's sorta like riding a bicycle.

I guess.

You like classical?

Oh, sure.

I like all kinds of music.

Folk, jazz, rock especially.

Just about the only thing
I don't like is country.

Me either.

So, you wanna go out sometime?





Wesley, what's wrong?

Oh, not a thing!

I just wanted to let you know

that I will not be home
for dinner tonight.

Oh, honey, again?

Honey, I'm worried about your health!

Oh, Mother, you don't
have to worry about me.

I'm going out to dinner tonight.

You are?

Yes, and don't you wanna know with who?

All right, with who?

A girl, Mom!

A beautiful girl, you'd love her.

Let's see, she's a music
major, well, sort of.

Anyway, I'm supposed
to pick her up by six,

so I really gotta run.

Oh, God, I love you!

What happened?

What to wear?


Oh, please.

No way.

No doubt about it, I definitely
needed a new wardrobe.

So, uh, what do you feel like eatin'?

Chinese, Japanese, French, Italian?

How about American?

I'll have two footlong
chili dogs, no onions,

two fries, and two Cokes,
make one of 'em diet.

Do you have any Polish sausage?

Well, here's dinner.

Now, you sure you wouldn't have
rather gone to a restaurant?

Oh, this is just fine,

and besides, I haven't
been to the lake in years.

Yeah, me either.

Last time I was here was with
my family when I was a kid.

Must be deeper than I remember,

'cuz Marvin told me he was there last week

watching submarine races.

What's so funny?

I guess they're racing fans, too.

They didn't have Polish sausage,

so I got you a hot dog.

You forgot the mustard.

I'm sorry.

What for?

For bringin' ya here.

I don't want you to get
the wrong idea about me,

especially after what
happened this morning and all.


I wouldn't be here if I didn't wanna be.




What's the matter?

I dunno, suddenly, I don't feel so well.

Gee, I didn't think I kissed that bad.

No, no, it's not you!

It just must've been something I ate.

It was probably that chili dog.

I think I have some Rolaids in here.

Rolaids wasn't
gonna help this problem.

I think it's starting.

I wonder what kind of an effect

it will have on his own kind.

I could've sworn I had
some Rolaids in here.

Oh, look, here's an Aspirin.

Does your head hurt at all?

A little.

Then, you know what I wanna do?


Fuck your brains out.


You heard me.

I need it from you.

I need it bad.


Don't be shy!

You're a man, I'm a woman.

I'm with you so far.

So don't deny me!

I've got an itch and
only you can scratch it.

Well, maybe you should
have that looked into.

Look at this!


Vibrations are so strong.

Even at a distance I can feel them.

You have a lot of willpower
to be able to resist them.

Yes, it would be much harder

if you hadn't welded my seat belt shut.

Look, Leeanne, I like you a lot.

I like you too!

And I'm having a lot of fun.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Well, that's what I mean.

I mean, maybe we're
taking this whole thing

a little too fast?

But I'm burning up!

Burning up for your love!

Give it to me now!

What happened?

I don't know.

Oh my God, what are you doing?


Who do you think you are?

Look at what you've done to my clothes!


Who else?

How dare you try to take
advantage of me like this!

But Leeanne, you were all over me!

Oh, sure, blame it on the girl.

I enticed you and you lost all control.


It's not going to work this time.

Find yourself some other girl to molest.

Leeanne, wait!

Just pathetic, you degenerate!

Was it something I said?

Yoo hoo!

Can we interest you in
something hot to go?

Maybe some dessert?

Or how about a three-course dinner?

Where are your notes?


Yuck, there's ketchup all over them!

I had the jumbo fries.

It looked like I was in

for another sleepless night.


Leeanne, you came back!

I forgot something.



These dreams
were getting pretty old.

All that was missing was Freddy Kreuger.

Something was wrong with me,
and I needed to get help,

so I turned to the one guy
I knew would believe me.

No way, man.

You're lying.

Marvin, I'm serious!

Who do you think you're kidding?

Three girls, you?

Okay, then how did
these get into my pocket?


Can I keep these?


I wanna know what I'm gonna do about this.

Well, if it were me, I'd frame 'em,

press 'em in a book or an album.

Not the panties!

I'm talking about what's going on with me.

Why are women throwing themselves at me,

except for the one I really want?

Okay, I'm still having
trouble buying all this,

but you have been acting strange lately.

You think it's got something
to do with Ms. Xenobia?

I guess so.

I really can't remember much.

Well, then, talk to her.

Confront her.

Look her straight in the eye,

and say, "What's the dang deal here?"

Friday's test will cover

the last four chapters
we've been studying,

the muscles, the senses,
the circulatory system,

and, of course, sexual reproduction.

Marvin was right.

Ms. Xenobia was at the root of my problem,

and she had some explaining to do.

After all, who did she think she was?

She's just a college professor.

Still, there was something
unusual about her.

Now, this last chapter
I'm particularly keen on.

After all, if we don't know our own bodies

and how they work, how can we be expected

to function normally on this planet?

I'll see you all in class tomorrow.

Class dismissed.

All right, now's your chance.

Go talk to her.

I gotta get going to gym class.

Meet me at the soda machines afterwards

and tell me what happened, 'kay?

This was my chance to find out

what's the dang deal,
as Marvin would put it,

and she wasn't gonna get
the better of me this time.

Ms. Xenobia?

Yes, Wesley?

I have to talk to you.

There was something I'd like
to discuss with you, also.


Well, what I wanted to ask
you was about the experiment.

What about it?

Well, I seem to be
having some aftereffects.

What kind of effects?

Oh, little things.

Headaches, nausea, nightmares,

women losing all control around me.

Excuse me?

One minute I'm standin' there,
and the next thing I know,

they're all over me like mud on a pig.

Now, Wesley, how would
a simple vitamin shot

cause a reaction like that in others?

You tell me!

All I know is it's driving me crazy,

and I want some answers now!

Wesley, there's no
need to raise your voice.

I'm not raising my voice!

I guess I am.


It's just that, you know, all of this

has been pretty hard to deal with.

Well, there's no need to worry.

Your problems are behind you now.

She was right about that,

and boy, did I get the point.

No, not again, no...

Where the hell is he?

All this was starting
to affect my schoolwork.

I knew pretty soon, my grades
would start to drop off,

if something else didn't drop off first.

At this rate, I wasn't
gonna last the week.

I see the way you look
at that science teacher.

I bet you'd just love to do
it with her, wouldn't you?

You're full of shit!

Admit it, you're dying
to slip her the beef!

You know, I don't have to
stand here and listen to this.

Oh yeah?

Well, you can just go fuck yourself, then.

Oh yeah?

Well, fuck you too, bitch.

Two can play at that game.

Any way I looked at it,

this was gonna be trouble.

Hi there.

Hi, Karla.

I need to talk to you, alone.

Can we make it some other time?

I'm kinda talked out.

What do you want?


I had a feeling you were gonna say that.

Teach me the meaning
of the word pleasure,

in its most primitive form.

Wait a minute!

What about Dirk?


Dirk, your boyfriend?

You can teach him later.

It's my turn now.

I don't understand...



Was that what I think it was?

Holy shit!

Did she attack you like the others?

Holy shit!


Your ass is mine!

Many a guy
would take satisfaction

in boning the woman of the
man who was going to kill him,

kind of like the ultimate fuck you.

For me, it was little consolation.

I couldn't stop thinking of Leeaane.

When the music stops,

go for it.

Baby, are you all right?

The test case is doing quite well.

He seems to be able to handle
himself in any situation.

Yes, but can you handle him?

Hey, you got a phone call.

Some girl.


Okay, thank you, Bradford.

Beat it.


Hi, Wesley.



Gee, this is kind of a surprise.

What's up?

I just got your flower.

That was so sweet.


Look, about last night, I'm really sorry.

Look, I'm sorry too.

I can't remember exactly what happened.

I know things got a
little bit out of hand,

but it wasn't all your fault.

You mean it?


What's this about starting over?

Well, I thought maybe
we could go out again.

Not to the lake again.

No, no, something different.

You know, maybe we could go
out to a club, dance, you know.

Oh, that sounds great,

only I can't make it until this weekend.

I have a big test coming
up, I've gotta study.

Well, weekend's cool.

Saturday night okay?


All right, where do you wanna go?

I'll leave that up to you.

Just call me Friday

and tell me what time
you're picking me up.

And surprise me.




Holy shit.

You know how you feel when you
find a new zit breaking out?

This was worse.

So what's the scoop on
you and this chick, I mean...

Hey, what are you doing under there?

What'd you say?

Why didn't you knock before you came in?

I forgot.

Why are you wearing that?

Uh, my head was cold.

Now what do you want?

Oh, I was just wondering
what was going on

between you and that girl.

That is none of your business.

Come on, you can tell me.

Hosin' her yet?


I was only curious.

Hey, cool poster.

When did you start likin'
that kind of music?

I thought you were into that Mozart crap.

It is not crap, and I still am.

I just decided to broaden
my taste a little.

Yeah, why?

I don't know.

Look, would you leave me alone please?

I haven't been feeling very well,

and I think I'm gonna
lie down for a while.

Yeah, you look like hell.

Hey, don't forget to keep your head warm.

Maybe it wasn't real.

Maybe it was only a dream.

Maybe there wasn't a
hideous fleshy antenna

growing out of my head.

Maybe there was absolutely
nothing to worry about.


The question was, what
could I do about it?

Now, over.

Three, four, one, two, one two.

Now bend over front.

One, two, three, four, breathe!

Ooh, that oxygen!

Now, running in place!

Get that shape together now!

Couple of ribbons.

One, two, three, and four.

Come on, everybody, wake up!

Okay, now, let's get on our knees.

Now, flex those legs.

One, two, three, four.

Okay, girls, push ups!

One, two, three.

Beginners, you only need to
cross your legs at the ankles.

Push up, three, two,
three, work those lungs!

Okay, girls, we're gonna hit the showers.

Let's go for it!

Marvin, where are you?

Where have you been all my life?

Outside, mostly.

Why don't you stay a while?

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Didn't you know this is
the girls' locker room?

Is it?

Yes, well, I better get outta here.

It's okay, we won't tell anybody.

No, really, I gotta go.

No you don't!

Please, no, not all of you at once!

Can't you just draw straws or something!

Ah, that's not what I meant!


Don't ask me how I got outta there alive.

It was all a blur to me.

I couldn't imagine what could
possibly happen to me next.

What's going on here?



Drop and give me ten!

Do you know how many other guys

would love to be in your shoes?

They're welcome to 'em!

I still don't know what's wrong with me.

Yours is not to reason why.

Yours is but to enjoy, young man.

Now, as for myself, I could
go the rest of my life

without touching another woman,

just as long as I can live
vicariously through you.

But I don't want all these women.

Leeanne is the only girl for me.

You sure got a funny way of showing it.

We're supposed to go out tomorrow,

but what if I mutate into something again?

Yeah, well, what if you do?

She's just gonna have to
accept you for what you are.

And look at your alternatives.

You could go to the doctor,
tell 'im what's wrong with you.

Now, either he'll think you're a nutcase

and lock you up, or he'll dissect you

like one of those frogs in biology class.

Now, is that what you want?

Gosh, no.

All right, then.

You keep your date with
Leeanne and hope for the best.

I got an idea.

She's into music, right?

And you started playing again, right?

What if you were to get into a band?

Man, she would flip for you!

Marvin, by tomorrow night?

That's impossible.

It just so happens, I know of a band

that needs a singer for Saturday night.

Their regular guy quit.

Do you think they'd want me?

From what Slash tells me,

this gig is really important to them.


We better get over
there so you can rehearse.

Mom, Dad, I want you to meet the band.

This is Chris, he plays bass.


And this is Tom Tom.

As you might have guessed, he plays drums.

Isn't he great?

And this is Slash, lead guitar.

He kinda runs the band.

Somebody's got to.

And of course, you already know Marvin.

May I say you're looking
lovely this evening, Mrs. I?


Don't you just love 'em?

After the third injection,

there should be a sufficient
amount of fluid in his system.

Yes, we will conclude the
experiment tomorrow night.

And what about our subject?

He'll have to understand

he's been chosen for a greater purpose.

So, great dinner, Mrs. I.


Well, it was nice you boys could make it

on such short notice.

Uh, we never turn down a free meal.

Is that real?

You bet your ass it is, kid.


It seems I read somewhere

that those things can
lead to skin infections.

You ever have any problems with that?

Please, dear,
not while we're eating.

When are you gettin' one, Wes?


Yeah, that's what they call me now.

Slash, I mean, gee, isn't
that kinda permanent?

So, how did you come
about asking Wesley...

Excuse me, Wes to be in your band?

Well, it was like we had
this gig comin' up, see?

We had this other guy, and
he turned out to be a dick.

That's when Wes showed up.

We all looked at one
another and said, "Far out!"

That's very interesting.

What kind of songs do you boys play?

Well, we really hate labels,

but if you had to describe us,

I guess you could say our core

is your good old-fashioned head-banging

heavy metal rock and
roll, with a surface gloss

of glitter glam, with a touch of death,

and a definite punk anarchist influence.

We like to make people's ears bleed.

That's nice.

Excuse me, have you seen
a guy who's about this tall?

Never mind, I'll find him myself.

Just shut up and have a good time.

You know, dear, this
is kind of exciting.

We don't go out as much as we used to.

You wanna see my purse?

What for?

Okay, she's here.


I just hope she doesn't
get frustrated and leave.

No chance of that.

You go on in five minutes,
it'll take her that long

just to get back in the door.

Hello there.

We're the Tangpoons.

We go on after you.

Remember when we were young like this?


Okay, that's two beers,
six bucks on the tab.

My foot!


Ladies and gentlemen,

the Sex Mutants!

♫ I wanna tell ya

♫ About the killer

♫ A mean killing machine

♫ One

♫ Two

♫ One, Two

♫ Cut to an edge with your ego trip

♫ But you're the best, I love your friends

♫ You wanna half life later on

♫ But that's always a dangerous game

♫ Do you know

♫ There are demons crossing your mind

♫ Do you know

♫ What's happened to you

♫ You're on the way down to hell

♫ You set me off with your machine

♫ You never notice speed limits, you drive

♫ As if there are no red lights

♫ Don't you see it's a killer machine

♫ Do you know

♫ There are demons crossing your mind

♫ Do you know

♫ What happened to you

♫ You're on the way down to hell

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ Take a look at the other guys

♫ What they're trying,
they lose their heads

♫ You don't know what it means

♫ But it's got to come to an end

♫ Do you know

♫ There are demons crossing your mind

♫ Do you know

♫ What's happened to you

♫ You're on the way down to hell

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ K-K-K-Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ Killer machine

♫ You better watch out

♫ Killer machine ♫



When I said "surprise me", I
didn't know how far you'd go.

Leeanne, this isn't what you think.

I'll bet.

It's probably much worse.

Leeanne, Leeanne, wait!

No, you wait!

I've had about all I can take
of your schizoid behavior.

I mean, once in a while you're a nice guy,

and then you turn around and screw it up.

I don't know what kind of
girls you're used to dating,

but I'm old-fashioned when
it comes to relationships.

No lying, and no cheating.

But I'm not normally like this.

If you had met me last week,

you would've seen the difference.

What happened?

Did you start taking asshole pills?

That's closer to the
truth than you'd know.

You expect me to buy that?

You better get back to your
fan club before they miss you.

Leeanne, you gotta believe me.

I care nothing for these girls.

Why don't you tell them that again.

I don't think they heard
you the first time.

Leeanne, would you...





Hello, Wesley.

Ms. Xenobia, what are you doing here?

I didn't know you were in to new wave.

The time has come to drop all pretenses

and tell you of our mission.

Your mission?

The experiment you've
been helping us with.

You call that helping?

Every time I turn my back on
ya, I get a needle in my butt.

You'll be happy to know the
experiment has come to an end.

You performed admirably.

Oh, thanks, 'cuz let me tell ya,

I was gettin' tired of always bein' poked.

Now you must go back
with us for testing.

Go back?


To Altaria.

You want me to go to Georgia?

Altaria is the planet we hail from.

This is too much.

And what's the reason behind all this?

The population of our
planet is decreasing

at an alarming rate.

Our women are as fit an
healthy as they can be.

Our men, on the other hand,

are sadly lacking in
the virility department.

You mean they're wimps?

I mean they can't even get it up.

Our culture forbids any type
of medical experimentation

on our own kind, so Drax and I decided

to take matters into our own hands,

to find a species with
a similar metabolism

to perform our tests on.

Out of the entire galaxy,
Wesley, we chose you.

Oh, thank you, and
that's very flattering,

but I'm afraid to inform
you that you're nuts.

I beg your pardon?

Nuts, bonkers, yo-yos.

Your mind is driving
with an expired license.

What are you doing?

Ms. Xenobia?

Just a minute.

Ooh, I've had that on for so long,

I forgot how good it
feels to be out of it.

You really are an alien!

That's what I've been telling you.

Well, I didn't believe you.

Has this convinced you of my sincerity?

You stay away from me!

You are not of this earth!

Wesley, you say that as
if it were a negative thing!

Now, please, be a good human
and come with me quietly.

I'm not going anywhere with you!

Wesley, you are really
overreacting to all of this.

I'll show ya who's overreacting.

No swollen-headed,
puffy-eyed, blue-skinned being

from a different galaxy was
gonna screw up my sex life.

Uh-uh, they weren't
gonna get away with it.

Goddamn stupid piece of crap!

Now, where did he go?

Okay, Drax, where's the sex formula?


You don't really think

you'll get out of here, do you?

Oh yeah?

And who's gonna stop me, you
little impotent space monkey?

No need to get personal, Wesley.

Two parts dichromium phosphate,

one part phenile nitrate,

and three parts powdered aluminum.

Bon voyage.

Chromium phosphate, phenile
nitrate, powdered aluminum?

Oh, what happened to you?

Never mind.

What happened to you?

He blew up the lab!

That Earth boy stole the
last bottle of the formula,

and blew up the lab!

All my notes, destroyed!

We must get that
bottle back at all cost!

He couldn't have gone too far.

But our cover is blown!

That doesn't matter.

All that's important is that
we get back our formula.

Now, hurry.

Get me my proton cannon!

That the big one or the little one?

I'll get the big one, Xenobia.

♫ I never heard bells before

♫ 'Til you came along

♫ Now I feel overwhelmed

♫ Each time I look, each time we touch

♫ You are the one I want so much

♫ It's you ♫

I wonder what happened to Wesley.

Yes, you'd think he'd
come over and say hi.

Hey, man, where you been?

Listen, you guys have gotta help me.

I'm being chased.

Some of the chicks
gettin' too rough for ya?

No, no, I'm being chased by aliens!

What do you want us
to do, call immigration?

Not that kind of alien!

Now, we're gonna need the police, FBI,

maybe the National Guard.

Whoa, whoa, Wesley, what
are you talking about?

I haven't got time to explain.

Now, we gotta get outta
here before it's too late!

It's too late!

Holy mother of God!

It's a cone woman from Mars!

What the hell is going on?

I don't know, but that blue lady

seems to be very upset about something.


I know you're in here.

I can sense you.

Now, come out before you get hurt!

I said come out!

All right, hold it right there.

That's far enough.

Wesley, don't do anything rash.

You wouldn't destroy all that
you've worked for, would you?

Try me.

Maybe it was pretty stupid

to challenge a mentally superior being

holding a death ray, but I was pissed.

Please, think about
the fate of our planet.

Oh, sure, just like you thought

about what this stuff would do to me.

You tampered with my life.

You violated the prime directive.


Didn't you guys ever see Star Trek?

Well, I liked the first
two season of the old show,

and a couple of the
movies were okay, but...

What is this prime directive?

It was this rule they
had about not interfering

with people or cultures on
other planets, like you did.

Hey, what's the idea of
you messing with our friend?


How dare you threaten my son!

All of you!

Stay right where you are!

We're stayin'!

Look, I know experimenting
on you was wrong, Wesley,

but you've got to know, nothing we did

has altered your personality in any way.

How can you say that?

Last week, I barely ever
listened to rock and roll,

and now I'm up on the stage playing it?

Everyone grows and changes.

They just do it at different rates.

Maybe our giving you a crash
course in human sexuality

gave you the confidence
to express yourself,

to reveal some hidden talents.

You know, I did like takin'
piano when I was a kid,

but my dad made me stop the lessons.

He thought it wasn't practical.

All our formula did was
promote the growth of an organ

that sends out mating signals,

vibrations that make
you totally irresistible

to the opposite sex.

None of that you were able to control,

but everything else, it came
completely from within you.


Maybe I wasn't such a dull guy after all.

And what's more, the effects,
they're only temporary.

They'll be completely gone within a week.

You mean the stuff in that bottle

is what's been making
all the girls so horny?

No member of the
opposite sex can resist it?

Come on, Wesley!

Stop it!

Gosh, Ms. Xenobia.


I guess I deserve it,

for violating the prime directive and all,

but now, my entire race
is doomed to extinction.

Drax, you've been sneaking
some of the formula!


I couldn't stand seeing that
Earth boy have all the fun,

especially with you.

Oh, Drax, I never
knew you felt that way.

I guess I'm just an
old-fashioned kind of Altarian.

I just remembered, the
effect won't last long

with you either.

Well, we could have a
wild weekend in Vegas.

You're right!

Let's get started right away.

Who knows?

Maybe we could repopulate
the planet all by ourselves.

Well, see you later.

Hey, Wesley, I didn't mean to...

Don't worry about it.

Ladies, I've seen your show,

I like what you have to offer,

follow me into the bowels of history.

Son, I don't know what to say.

Yeah, pretty strange night, huh?

No, I mean about the piano lessons.

Aw, come on, Dad, that was years ago.

I know, but I shouldn't
have tried to stifle

your musical abilities.

You see, I never told you
I used to sing in a band.

You did?

Yes, dear.

The first time I saw your father,

he was on stage doing an Elvis tune.

You're kidding.

Yeah, but I wasn't very good,

so I traded in my duck tail for a necktie,

and became an accountant.

I guess I wanted to save you
from the same disappointment.

I hope you'll forgive me.

Of course!

I couldn't believe it.

I'd never heard my dad
talk like that before.

Maybe he was a regular guy after all.

I was really proud of
you up there tonight.

Well, do you need a lift home?

No, I'm gonna hang out for
a little while, be by myself.

Sure thing.

We'll see ya later.

Good night, dear.

You were wonderful.

Mom, tell me, how was he, really?

Well, confidentially, he sucked,

but he looked great in tight trousers.

Boy, you live
with someone your whole life

and you think you know 'em.

Well, it looked like everything
was gonna work out okay.

Must've been some finale.


Well, hi.

Almost everything.

What happened?

It's a long story.

You wanna hear it?

No, not right now.

I'd rather talk about us.

I guess I owe you another apology.

Not this time.

I thought about it, and I
like you the way you are.

You do?


I just didn't think I could handle it.

What about now?

Well, as long as there
aren't any other girls.

Hey, don't worry about that.

As long as I stay in my
room for a week and a half.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

Did you wanna say something?



The authorities never did
find Drax and Xenobia.

I figured they'd gone out of town.

Way out of town.

I did get a letter with a
weird postmark from them

about nine months later.

It seems they were the proud parents

of two dozen bouncing baby Altarians.

Dirk was kicked off the football team

during the big steroid scandal at Corman.

I'm not exactly sure
what happened to Karla.

Rumor has it she became
a stripper in Las Vegas

and is now dating a U. S. Senator.

My dad quit the accounting firm

to open up a health food restaurant.

Now, my mom gets to cook more than ever.

As soon as he turned
18, my brother Bradford

moved to Hollywood to direct
low-budget horror flicks.

Marvin dropped out of school

to be the road manager for the Tangpoons.

And as for Leeanne and
me, we finished college

and took the band on the road.

After that, we recorded
a couple of albums.

The first one went gold.

The second one might go platinum!

It just goes to prove,
if you want a good job,

get a good education.