Downhill Willie (1996) - full transcript
Willie Jones an Olympian Level skier is oblivious to society. He's about to take on the world's greatest skiers to win a half million dollars. He is up against a hilarious cast of delinquents to each their own right. Everyone's competing for the cash and to stop Willie.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[WIND BLOWING]
WILLIE JONES: Hey, Jake!
Yeah.
[ENGINE ROARING]
[LAUGHING]
Jake!
Wait up!
(SINGING) Two skis standing
side by side.
Wrapping the tough, going to
open wide.
You know what it takes, and they
don't know--
Hey!
[LAUGHING]
(SINGING) You're running, and
you're starting to groove.
Let's go Willie, go Willie.
Stay to the side.
Jake!
(SINGING) Let's go Willie, go
Willie.
Just can't stop.
I'm coming!
Jake!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Jake!
Wait up!
Whoa.
Oh.
You beat me again, Jake.
You gotta be down a quart with
lots of sky between the ears
to ski like that, son.
You didn't even have snow half
the way.
Gee, thanks.
Don't mentions it.
Hit the lights for me, would
you, Willie!
Yeah, sure.
Lights here don't seem to be
working, Jake.
Neither do yours, son.
Well, I got a surprise for you,
Jake.
What's that?
You'd learn how to spell your
name?
No, like I finished fixing the
plane for you last night.
You did?
Yeah.
See, I've been watching you fix
things around here for years.
I think I finally got the hang
of it.
We'll see.
Watch.
What the hell did you do?
Oil change.
Don't come near me.
MAN: And look at him go, a
combination
of talent, aestheticism, system
and sheer bravery.
Extreme skiing at its best.
Men down mountains at 120, 130
miles an hour.
Everything America wants in a
sporting event.
Bravery, speed, and imminent
disaster.
They'll be peeling off his skin
with that suit.
Now, that's good television so
what do you think, Mr. Grimble?
Well it's, it's--
Chilling.
No, more than that.
It's chilling.
So, where does Jock Pop fit into
all of this?
The Kamikaze Run.
Most dangerous, most extreme ski
race in history.
Kamikaze Run.
The Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
No, no Mel.
The Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
That is genius.
We'll invite the world's
greatest skiers.
Imagine, Mr. Grimble, the
greatest skier in the world
hold ups a bottle of Jock Pop,
or he holds it up
so we see it's Jock Pop.
And he proclaims, Jock Pop makes
me the best of the best.
He'll be holding and showing.
Well, it's great that we'll have
the best, Mel.
But what about the every man who
identifies with our drink?
How do we include them?
The answer, in one word, is
wild card.
That may be two words, Mel.
Murray, get the dictionary. Mel,
continue.
It's simple, Mr. Gribble.
We'll have regional wild card
picks
who will compete for a chance to
participate in the big event.
I like it.
Make this happen, Mel.
I'm holding you personally
responsible.
Yes, sir.
By the way, what kind of people
are these skiers?
I can assure you we're talking
about the finest,
most wholesome, upstanding
citizens in the sports world
today. [MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAN SHOUTING]
Hey, Kelly!
How's the [INAUDIBLE], eh?
You've been invited to Whistler
for the Kamikaze Run.
- Kelly? - Woo!
[INAUDIBLE]
The Crazy Canuck's going to the
Kamikaze Run!
Woo!
[ACCORDION PLAYING]
You must first stretch the
muscles
if you are going to ski.
The great ones, Tomba, Killy,
Kidd, Cher.
They all did this same exercise.
Oui, oui, oui.
[MUMBLING]
Hold it there.
Don't move.
I can see the potential.
Whoa.
I can see so much potential.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Dear Monsieur Gogo LeBeau, the
Kamikaze Run, wild card,
Kamikaze Jackpot, $500,000?
Mon dieu.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].
ANNOUNCER: Well, sports fans.
The Jock Pop Kamikaze Run is
shaping up
to be quite an event.
French superstar Gee Go Go
LeBeau,
Canada's Crazy Canuck Kelly
Burns
have both accepted invitations.
We're still waiting to hear from
other invitees,
including the extreme ski legend
Spider Bolton Swiss Sensation
Hans Saxer and two-time league
skiing world champion,
and former downhill Olympic
silver medalist, Jack Murphy.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Murphy, despite his well
publicized bout
of alcohol abuse, is still
considered
to be among the world's greatest
skiers.
Currently, Murphy is reported to
be in rehab
for his alcohol problem.
Rehab!
Rehab, my ass.
You tell them Jack Daniels
Murphy is back.
[SITAR PLAYING]
The Kamikaze Run.
First prize, $5,000.
Wait, 50.
No.
Five, zero, zero, zero, zero,
zero, dollars.
Oh, Royal Sky Dude, you who
allows a gnarly hairball
like myself to carve sweet ones
down your most
radical peaks, which I might
have looked
like most excellent honkers.
I know we need no trophy hunters
while we're catching air.
But your Royal Skyness, grant me
the power of an avalanche
and the strength of the sun,
that I might free ride
my way to a most bitching run.
That rhymes, cool.
I am the half pipe, free my
soul.
Whoa!
[BRANCH SNAPPING]
Like, thanks, Sky Dude.
This is totally outrageous.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAN YELLING]
Mama, I wasn't ready.
Why did you push me?
Why did you make me crash?
Grow up, you simple.
We've been invited to this
Kamikaze Run.
First prize, half a million
bucks.
And prizes and endorsements.
Kamikaze Run?
Oh, that sounds scary, mama.
You know what happens to Hans
when he gets scared.
Stop your whining and get
packing.
They have toilets there, there
go.
OK, I will go. I will go.
But, can I wear my shirt?
Presentation, son.
Presentation.
[HANS SOBBING]
Well, it looks like that
kamikaze race
is beginning to shape up.
They got all the big boys
showing up.
Murphy, Half Pipe, LeBeau,
$500,000.
That's a lot of money.
You know kid, I think you could
win this thing.
I see the problem now, Jake.
You gotta eat more fiber.
Are you listening to me?
Nobody skis like you.
You should enter this Kamikaze.
I don't know, Jake.
I got a job most guys would kill
for.
Clear, she's clear.
AJ.
How are you, sheriff.
Better that you're going to be
when you see this.
I'm sorry, Jake.
I got to close you down.
Mortgage ain't been paid in
eight months.
Well, I knew it was coming
sooner or later.
Nothing I can do about it.
Business is bad.
Well, what do you expect way
out here?
There's no walk-in trade, no
road, no phone, no people.
Oh, no.
Let me hang that for you,
sheriff.
- What? - Here, take that.
Hey, hey, hey!
[GUNSHOT]
Whoa!
I'm getting out of here while
I'm still alive.
[AIRPLANE ENGINE]
What's this mean, Jake?
JAKE: They're going to shut me
down.
You think that'll be bad for
business?
You can say that again.
OK.
You think that'll be bad for
business?
This means we're out of
business.
Gee, Jake.
You really think I'm good enough
to win that ski money?
Kid, you're the best natural
skier I ever saw at it.
And hey, hey.
They got regional nominating
committees
picking the best local skiers
for two wild card spots.
They got extreme skiing,
jumping, flipping,
all rolled into one event.
I can do that.
And listen, this is fun, they
got speed skiing.
You hit the mountain, 130, 140
miles an hour.
You got to be nuts to do that.
Well, you got that in your
favor, kid.
Gee, thanks.
I don't know anybody on no
regional committees.
Sure you do.
Congratulations.
As the self-appointed head of
the Winnepakee Ridge wild card
nominating committee, I hereby
and officially appoint you
our wild card representative.
I'm touched, Jake.
You sure are, kid.
We'll, get your skis.
You're in training.
[GRUNTING]
I got, it, Jake.
I'm building up, Jake.
Oh, Willie!
Whoa. This is gasoline.
Don't. Give me that.
It's gasoline.
Oh, no.
[EXPLOSION]
It's raining, Jake.
You hear that thunder?
Once over Winnepakee and back,
and that's it.
I got to take a break.
Come on.
My old granny could do better
than that.
Two more passes.
Yeah!
Come on, kid!
You can do it!
Down, get your head down.
Yeah!
Whoa!
Jake!
Good boy!
There it is, look.
WILLIE JONES: Wow.
Yeah.
This is the place.
Down here.
Yeah.
Down here.
Geronimo!
[LAUGHTER]
Thanks a lot!
Hey, do you know where I could
find
something to wipe my nose with.
Thanks.
You people sure are
accommodating around here.
Danny Hodges here live from
race headquarters,
where all the regional hopefuls
are
registering for their chance to
compete
in the $500,000 Kamikaze Run.
The Jack Pop Kamikaze Run.
Jack Pop is very proud to be
associated
with this great event.
So when you see the great stuff,
associate Jack Pop.
Because it's our guys. - Right.
Thanks, Mel Horner.
And of course, the lobby is
crawling with these athletes.
MEL HORNER: They convey
everything Jock Pop stands for.
They are the finest examples of
sheer athleticism.
Brave, strong, confident,
intelligent.
Hey guys, can you tell me
where?
Are we on TV?
Neato.
Hey, Willie Jones here.
Anyway, I got to sign up and get
a room.
My pal Jake sold his old pickup
to give me some cash
to sign up for this thing.
I never been to one of these
fancy hotels before.
The registration desk is right
over there.
[BELL RINGS]
Where, right over there?
[PEOPLE GRUNTING IN PAIN]
And good luck to all our
competitors.
ANNOUNCER: And how about this,
sports fans?
We just learned that Spider
Bolton, considered the greatest
all around skier on the planet,
has been added to the lineup
of the Kamikaze Run.
Bolton, who is also the leading
endorser in ski products,
spotted warming up on the slopes
this morning.
Ha!
Look out!
Cheese!
[LAUGHING]
Shit.
Excuse me, but the last people
must have
left these in the hotel room.
Some little soaps and towels and
things,
they'll probably be calling
looking for it.
It's pretty nice stuff.
I'm going to go check out that
swimming pool.
What's that, Flipper?
[DOLPHIN NOISES]
Timmy's trapped in the cave?
Yes.
Look out, Flipper.
It's Jaws.
There's only one creature
capable of scaring away
the mighty Jaws.
Oh my god, look at him.
It's Orca.
I love swimming.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) Summer turned to
winter.
The smile to a form.
Yeah, I can be your anything.
I can even be your clown.
I'll be your clown.
I'll be your clown.
I'll be your clown.
I'll be around.
All she wants is diamonds,
because they're
a girls best friend.
Hi. What would you like?
I got hammered with a couple of
pile drivers last night.
Make mine a rusty nail.
I'll have a screwdriver.
Nice suit.
Thanks
How about you?
Well, I guess I could use a new
pair of pliers.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Fire! Fire!
Move back!
Move back, fire!
Move back.
Fire!
Please, run away!
Fire.
It's not a fire.
It's a smoke machine.
Smoke machine?
You've never seen a smoke
machine?
No.
Back home, smoke means fire.
That makes sense.
Willie Jones, hi.
You're Willie Jones. What a
coincidence.
My name's Willie Jones too, I
don't believe this.
What are the odds?
No, you're Willie Jones.
I'm Annie Meyers.
I was reading your name tag.
Well, I guess I'll see you
around then.
Yeah.
See you.
Don't anybody panic.
It's a smoke machine.
A machine that makes smoke.
Everyone just remain calm.
Smoke machine.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: (SINGING) What did I say to
make you go away?
What did I do now?
Summer turned to winter, a smile
to a frown.
DANNY HODGES: Ladies and
gentlemen, live from Whistler,
welcome to the regional wild
card
competition for the first annual
Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Danny Hodges, standing on
top of what can only
be described as a nightmare.
The course record here is 137
miles per hour.
And if you fall, it takes a good
half mile to stop.
The two skiers with the fastest
times
will qualify to compete against
the world's best
in the $500,000 Kamikaze Run.
in the $500,000 Kamikaze Run.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Hey Nice suit.
It's nice.
I like it.
Did you ever race before?
No, just against airplanes.
Right.
Well, good luck.
You know, I've never been
around like a ski mountain
before.
I'm not a skier, but I seen it a
lot on TV and movies.
Did you see that one movie?
It was so funny, because the guy
was so stupid.
He put his tongue right on a
cold pole like this.
You didn't see it?
Oh, you'd be cracking up.
You'd be liking me, because
you'd be laughing if you saw.
Try to picture the.
Oh, you can't?
It was like this.
It was [MUMBLING].
WOMAN: Oh, gross.
Uh.
Somebody.
Ski Patrol?
Ski Patrol?
Anybody got first aid?
Anyone?
Is there a doctor here?
[MUMBLING IN PAIN]
Is there a sponsor, for God's
sake?
Somebody, help.
ANNOUNCER: And we're ready to
begin the wild card
event of the Kamikaze Run.
First up, two-time downhill
Olympic gold medalist,
the dark horse of the
competition.
From Colorado, Billy Hopkins.
3, 2, 1.
ANNOUNCER: And he's off.
Hopkins is off to a good start.
Losing the speed path, and oh,
he has won.
Five, four.
ANNOUNCER: Now, Tim Kiermakoff
is out of the gate.
[INAUDIBLE] the speed trap,
staying nice.
He's into the speed trap, and
oh, he is down.
Lars Gorson is down.
We're down to the last two
skiers.
Annie Meyers appears ready.
And she's off.
Looking very good.
Tight, strong, and she's soaring
toward the [INAUDIBLE]..
And she hits the deep end.
It may turn out to be the best
run of the day.
Nobody [INAUDIBLE].
But Annie looks like she might
do it.
Look at her time.
That's quite a run for former
downhill junior champion Annie
Meyers.
They thought her career was over
after a knee injury.
Four years later, this young
lady is
proving the skiing world wrong.
So Annie Meyers takes the lead
with Ned Benson
second for the two wild card
spots.
[CAMERA SNAPPING]
This is our last skier of the
day.
Willie Jones.
Says here this is Willie's first
time in competition.
Two, one, go.
ANNOUNCER: And he's off.
He is looking good and picking
up speed on his way
to the trap.
The speed trap is coming up very
fast.
And he's in the trap.
What a runs.
This is unbelievable.
It's a new course record.
13.94.
That's 139 miles per hour.
Willie Jones and Annie Meyers
have earned the wild card
spots for Kamikaze Run.
I got to be careful.
I drank this back home once, and
I'll tell you,
this stuff really makes me go.
Terrific.
Would you mind saying that into
the camera?
Are he sure?
Absolutely.
Then I want you go to the pro
shop,
buy yourself a new outfit.
Charge it to me, Mel Horner,
Jock Pop.
Our racers have got to look
their best.
Now ready, when I say I'm ready,
I want you to build it up slow,
and remember, say how it makes
you go fast.
Ready, and action.
Jock Pop really makes me go
fast, real fast.
In fact, when I drink it, I
could barely get my pants
down before I got to go.
I'd take a sip right now, but
well,
who knows what might happen.
Thank you?
Is that good?
Well, I've got to go.
[PHONE RINGING]
Mr. Grimble?
No.
I didn't know it could be a
laxative.
No, yeah.
I'll have them check that out.
A little to the left.
No, no, you got to angle it more
to the right.
Freeze.
Not you, the sign.
Just go, go.
Oh, hey what are you doing!
Get up back here.
You gotta get him back here.
[BAGPIPES PLAYING]
The bus is coming.
[BAGPIPES PLAYING]
Over here, come on.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
Jock Pop
welcomes the world's most
talented all-around skiers.
The greatest athletes in the
world,
each serving as a wholesome role
model for our nation's youth.
Leading the way, it looks like,
yes, one of the world's
greatest extreme skiers.
It's the Crazy Canuck, Kelly
Burns.
[CHEERING]
Don't worry, ladies and
gentlemen.
When he's not on the slope,
Burns is one
of Hollywood's top stuntmen.
Whoa.
Hey, all right. ANNOUNCER: Next
up.
Hey, it's this Swiss Strongman,
Hans The Chicken Saxer.
Ah.
Oh, it's the medicine.
It's the good thing the boy is
toiled trained.
The hat.
The idea is you guys wear the
hat.
[DRUMMING]
ANNOUNCER: And here's what you
call a true original, the man
known as Half Pipe, Derek Moon.
How are you doing?
Whoa, cool.
Jock Pop, a radical bouquet of
bodacious bubbles.
A most respectful non-alcoholic
libation.
Reminiscent of a hideous bodily
function.
Tastes like somebody took a leak
in this bottle, man.
Awesome.
Back to nature.
Tastes like piss, cool.
It's an acquired taste.
ANNOUNCER: Let's see who's next
Oh,
there's no mistaking this guy.
All the way from France, Guy
Gogo LeBeau.
Give me that hat!
That's not for you!
No pushing me.
Hold this for me, miss.
I have a message for all you
beautiful
women in this country.
I'll be at the hotel, in the
Boom Boom Room.
Be nice!
ANNOUNCER: Now, here's an old
friend of ours.
Jack Murphy.
Hi, Jack.
Don't mind if I do, son.
Shit!
Yeah!
(SLURRING) Thank you very much.
Thank you!
Thank you!
[PHONE RINGING]
Yes, Mr. Grimble.
The mascot, a great idea.
You could call it a bullseye.
Oh yeah, it's standing up.
As a matter of fact, it's
perfectly erect.
Yeah!
[SCREECHING TIRES]
ANNOUNCER: There's one more
participant,
ladies and gentlemen.
What's this?
Coming down the driveway, this
must--
yes.
Yes, it is.
A man who needs no introduction,
the world
record holder in three events.
Spider Bolton.
[CRASHING NOISE]
SPIDER BOLTON: My car!
My car!
[HORN]
Shit!
Hold it.
Don't shoot.
We've got to wait for the last
guy.
Where is he?
I think that's him.
Who's the dork, Mel?
Let's go. Come on, Willie.
We got a picture to take.
What do you want me to do?
Put this on, and stand in the
back.
Ouch, my foot!
Oh, sorry.
OK, everybody.
When I give you the cue, I want
you all to take a sip.
Ready, and drink.
They never do that.
How immature.
Please, stop fooling around.
Who the hell is fooling around,
Mel?
Ugh!
Yeah, that's better.
Ah!
Just look, could you just
pretend to drink?
Well, I ain't no hypocrite.
Me neither.
Right, mama?
That's right, son.
I didn't raise no hypocrites.
Look.
There's $500 in it for each of
you.
Hans, stop your whining, and
take a swig of that Jock shit.
And like it, stupid.
Yes, mama.
Thank you.
Kids.
Ready?
Good.
And one, two, three.
[CAMERA SNAP]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
As you know, the competition
begins tomorrow.
We'll be running you down the
course two at a time.
They'll be man against man, or
woman.
I have the match ups right here.
Wild card entry Annie Meyers
will open the competition
against Hans Saxer.
Jack Murphy will compete against
Guy LeBeau.
Howdy, Frenchie!
I would kick your butt, Yankee
Pete.
Stop that now.
Spider Bolton will a race
against Kelly Burns.
And the other wild card winner,
Willie Jones,
will go against Half Pipe Moon
Cool.
Thank you, and good luck to
all.
So, where's the $500?
The what?
The $500 you promised me.
Oh, would you stop?
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Ah!
I'm all alone.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: (SINGING) Don't be looking
at me like you
lost your lone best friend.
If I could dance with her,
mama.
They're dancing.
Ah!
Would you like a Twinkie?
No thanks, I'm full.
MEL HORNER: I have confidence.
My friend owns a car, and he
lets me drive it.
[SHOUTING]
Hey.
Howdy, Mel.
Let me buy you a drink, son.
No, thanks.
I get all the zip I need out of
these babies here.
Oh, come on Mel.
I want to party with you, dude.
Come on.
I'm hitting on the girl.
I can't get the on Saturday.
But that's OK, because I belong
to several video clubs.
Hi.
Spider Bolton.
Hi.
Annie Meyer.
It's a real pleasure to meet
you.
The pleasure is all mine, Annie
Meyers.
How's it going, eh?
You going a light?
Sure.
Woo!
This is the non-smoking section.
[RIPPING SOUND]
Excuse me.
[WOMAN SHRIEKING]
If he's not the most childish,
moronic,
dweeb you've ever seen?
Well, I don't know.
I think they're kind of cute.
Cute?
I find nothing cute about them
at all.
They mock our sport.
I saw show your run on
television the other day.
Very impressive.
Oh, well.
Not compared to you.
I'm really looking forward to
watching you up close.
Well, how close would you like
to get?
Oh, I didn't mean it like that.
Well, I did.
Hi, Annie.
Hi, Willie.
Willie, this is Spider.
Willie?
I can't believe they let guys
like you compete.
Neither can I.
So, Willie, you think you got
what it takes to kick my ass?
Sure.
I can kick your ass.
You're going to have to make it
to the finals,
because that's where I'm going
to be.
No, I don't.
What are you talking about?
[THUD]
See, I just kicked your ass.
Hey, everybody.
Time for line dancing.
Willie, come on.
Let's dance.
Hi.
Spider Bolton.
Care to dance?
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]
[GUNSHOTS]
Oh, I hope I didn't hurt you.
[MUMBLING] I'm OK.
Oops.
There I go again.
Are you sure I can't kiss it and
make it better?
If this is a dream, I'm going
to be pissed.
What's your name?
Samantha.
Samantha.
Are you staying in a hotel?
Yes.
In your room.
In my room?
Great party, Mel.
This is great.
I'm out.
I'm interacting.
Woo hoo.
Son.
I'm going to hit the bush. - Oh,
yeah.
Mama.
Don't you go sneaking any
booze.
Oh, no mama.
I feel crazy.
I feel uninhibited.
You see that woman over there?
When she walks by, I'm going to
nod or something.
I do it.
Woo!
Oh, you're a wild man, Mel.
[MEL MUMBLING]
WILLIE JONES: Pretty good.
Crazy.
Hey, ow!
[PUNCH]
WILLIE JONES: Are you OK.
[PUNCHING SOUND]
What's up, dude? Looks like you
ate the rug.
So you going to hang yourself,
[INAUDIBLE]??
Or have you got the [INAUDIBLE]?
[PUNCHING SOUND]
Cool.
Stop, stop.
Can't we all just get along?
Shut up and get me a drink!
[GLASS BREAKING]
[PUNCHING SOUND]
[WOOD SNAPPING]
Out of my way, surfer boy.
[PUNCHING SOUND]
It hurts right here.
No, no!
Hans says he don't want to
fight.
Hans has no choice.
You touch my girl?
[GLASS BREAKING]
Whoa!
Hans.
Bedtime.
Yeah, mama.
[PUNCHING SOUND] - Yeah.
Get in there.
Get the hell out of here.
Willie.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on!
How did this start?
Stop.
Stop this is bad for publicity.
Stop it.
You guys can't--
[PUNCHING SOUND]
That's my sponsor, you dick.
[PUNCHING SOUND]
Hit him again, man.
You're going to bust your hand
on his face of yours.
[PUNCHING SOUND]
Come on troublemaker.
- What are you doing? - Come on,
come on.
I didn't do anything!
I'm the good guy.
I had a great night.
Thank you.
What are you thanking me for?
Because you're a girl, and
you're nice to me.
And you're trying to help me.
Why, girls aren't ever nice to
you?
No.
They usually don't think I'm
cool enough.
Well, I better get to sleep I'm
going to be any good tomorrow.
My room's back that way.
Good night.
It's everything I thought it
would be.
[KISSING SOUNDS]
Shall we raise the flag again ?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, everybody.
I'm Danny Hodges.
Along with Jock Pop executive
Mel Horner.
We're on our ways to the start
of an incredible event.
In the Gondola above us, the
eight contestants
are on their way up to the top
of one of the most challenging
runs in the history of skiing.
Uh, uh, mama.
Hey, LeBeau.
Move over.
I think Old Faithful here is
going to let fly.
[HANS MUMBLING]
Yeah, in a matter of moments,
we'll find out
what these skiers have in them.
[VOMITING SOUND]
Ugh.
DANNY HODGES: Jack Murphy, you
think
you really can beat LeBeau?
Hell, yeah.
You're serious.
Damn right.
I'm surprised we got you out of
the bar for this one.
The stories about that rehab
are completely false.
I've been in training for three
months for his race.
I haven't set foot in a bar.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack
Murphy.
Howdy.
The Kamikaze Run.
Good luck, Jack. - Thank you
very much.
Ooh.
[GUY GRUNTING]
Hey, Willie.
No hard feelings about last
night?
Sure.
Good.
It's your first real
competition
and I want you to do well out
there today.
So, I brought you this.
All of us use it on our skis.
Give us that little extra edge.
Gee thanks, Spider.
That's really swell of you.
Don't mention it.
Good luck.
[SOBBING]
Oh, son.
Mama, I just wet my Spandex.
That sure is a big mountain.
That is so steep.
I might fall or burn my arse.
My dear sweetie, stupid,
annoying, jack
shit for brains, moronic son.
Yeah, mama?
Be a good boy and kick that
boy's arse.
[SOBBING]
Come on!
ANNOUNCER: Round one the
quarterfinals.
Our first two years are in
position.
Meyers vs. Saxer.
This is a single elimination
tournament.
[HANS WHIMPERING]
I'm not ready. My gosh.
Go get him, girl.
Racer ready.
No!
OFFICIAL: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[HANS SCREAMING]
ANNOUNCER: They're on the speed
part of the course.
They're close, with Meyers an
early lead.
But Saxon is going to be a slow
starter and a fierce finisher.
Saxon's weight is really helping
him pick
up speed on this straightaway.
Hans is really going for it.
But Saxer has made a really
risky choice, taking
the steeper of the two lines.
[HANS SCREAMING]
Oh, he has got some night air
here.
Ouch.
Saxer is down.
Hans Saxer is out of the race.
All she's got to do know if
finish the race to win,
but Annie Meyers is not letting
up.
A really solid run for Annie
Meyers, who is letting us
know that she's going to be a
force to be reckoned with.
And she earns a spot in the
semifinals of the Kamikaze Run.
Yeah!
[CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: Next up is Jack
Murphy and Guy Gogo LeBeau.
Au revoir, French boy.
OFFICIAL: 3 2, 1.
JACK MURPHY: Yeehaw!
ANNOUNCER: They both get a good
start out of the gate.
Both get some nice air on that
jump.
And they're into the S turns.
JACK MURPHY: Woo!
Whoa!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, LeBeau lost it
there for a second.
Here we go, down the final
straightaway.
And it's Murphy.
Jack Murphy will move on to the
next round of the Kamikaze Run.
[CHEERING]
[SPRAYING SOUND]
In the gate to take it all,
Spider
Bolton against the man known as
the Crazy Canuck, Kelly Burns.
Hey.
Ugh.
OFFICIAL: Racers ready?
Five four, three, two, one, go.
ANNOUNCER: And they're out of
the gate.
There's still fresh powder up
there.
And they seem to be enjoying
every second
of this challenging part of the
course.
[YAWNING]
There's a wake up call from
Spider,
as he takes the lead into the S
turns.
Burns is down.
Spider knows he's the only man
left in this race.
And he's not letting up for a
second.
[CHEERING]
Wear the hats, bud.
Hey, Mel.
This is going to cost you.
[MEL LAUGHING]
ANNOUNCER: And here comes Kelly
Burns.
[SNORING SOUND]
What can I say, Mel?
Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: This is a race that
nobody would have thought
possible just a few days ago.
Snowboarding phenom Derek Half
Pipe Moon versus newcomer
sensation Willie Jones.
And they're out of the gate.
Willie looks like he's out of
the race.
No, no, no.
He's recovered.
Willie Jones having a lot of
trouble
on the top part of the course.
But miraculously, he's still
hanging in there.
He's backwards, he's forwards.
Sideways, and still on his feet,
and picking up speed.
[MOON SHOUTING]
Willie Jones is picking up some
added speed.
And into the S turns this is
anybody's race.
Willie is just getting faster
and faster.
And there goes Willie with a
beautiful Double Daffy.
they come around into the final
straightaway.
And it looks like it's going to
be Willie Jones.
And it is Willie Jones, who
beats Derek Half Pipe Moon.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
computer has done its job.
And here the match up for the
next rounds.
Looks like Spider Bolton will be
going up against Annie Meyers,
and then Willie Jones taking on
Jack Murphy.
May the best man win, or make
that woman.
We'll see you in two days.
Great shot, [INAUDIBLE].
All right, all right.
Come on, darling.
There we go.
OK, OK.
Willie, no, no.
We did with-- don't take.
We're on a budget.
Not too many, not too many.
Because you're doing a lot of
the same ones.
Hey, Mel.
[INAUDIBLE]
OK, Remy, Remy.
You got to come out.
With
[MEN SHOUT IN PROTEST]
MEL HORNER: She is.
We'll get a different suit.
I wouldn't let this stop.
[BOOING]
Ah, damn.
You know, I don't care how much
they're
paying us for these ads.
If I take one more sip of this
stuff, I'm going to die.
This shit kicking, man.
It gives me gas.
Me, too.
Oh, shut up Heidi.
Everything gives you gas.
Guy, just turn out of bubbles.
Let's relax, eh?
The air blow is broken.
Yeah, well mine ain't, thanks
to this Jock Piss.
[FARTING SOUND]
Oh.
You call those bubbles?
Where I come, we make champagne.
I show your bubbles.
[FARTING SOUND]
Go, go, go, go, go.
That is stinking.
When it comes to hot air, never
mess with a Frenchman.
Well, go big or go home man.
[FARTING SOUND]
Oh.
He shoots.
[FARTING SOUND]
He scores.
Welcome to the gardens.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
[FARTING SOUND]
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[FARTING SOUND]
Geez, don't anybody light a
match.
Allow me.
Oh, Mel.
No, si vous plait, no!
Uh oh.
[EXPLOSION]
Hey.
Hi.
- Looks like fun, huh? - Yeah.
I'd love to try it.
Well, slammin' bro.
What do you say we go for a log
sliding quarter piping,
ass kicking slam session?
Sure.
Maybe after that we could try
some snowboarding.
Come on.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WOMAN: I want to be your
darling.
Be the jewel in the crowd.
Now I'm standing five foot ten,
so I can always be up and down.
Because I've got this.
And I get you really far.
And I learn real fast, because I
know what you are.
I want to be your darling.
Leave that small town behind.
Build a reputation at the front
of the line.
Because I've got this asking,
get me really far.
And I learn real fast, and he
knows what you are.
And I bought this class, and
I'll sure go far.
And I got this past, and I'm
above the bar.
ANNIE MEYERS: I had fun today.
WILLIE JONES: Me, too.
Thanks for picking out my new
clothes for me.
You sure I didn't look dumb in
the other stuff?
No, no.
It's just, you know, you can't
wear the same thing every day.
Does that go for underwear,
too?
Well, I guess I'll see you
later.
Annie.
What about socks?
So, tell me, a big handsome
brute like you.
Do you ever get to Austria?
Is that near Vancouver?
Van who?
Hans!
GUY LEBEAU: No, I'm from Paris.
I'm from Sussex actually.
I just use the French accent
thing so I can shag more birds.
Works like a charm.
So, the rocks are coming up
quick.
I know I should traverse on my
toe.
But I'm still looking for the
gnarly extreme thing.
And then it happens.
I carve two feet from a rock on
my second ragdoll.
Yes, I'm humbled by the line.
Yes, I could have sketched.
But I'm Half Pipe.
So, you know what I do?
I turn to my bro Rad Man.
I say Rad Man, take the main
gully.
I side slip the death buddies,
and there goes the Radster,
hanging 10, hanging 20.
Being huge, catching the
ultimate air.
I am humble, truly.
Danny boy, excuse me for saying
this.
But you don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
I mean, ain't you this much of a
stoner
to watch your bros as gnarly
lines as catching air yourself?
Whoa.
Like, that's profound.
Yeah?
Don't get Freudian with me,
babe.
Cool.
How's dicking night?
Well, Dickie's doing a hell of
a lot better
now that you're here, darlin'.
Why don't we let Samantha take
Dickie for a little ride.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah!
[MEL MUMBLING]
Go ahead, ask her.
No, I've been striking out all
week.
Mel, You are a stud.
Women cannot resist the
corporate type.
I'm telling you.
Yeah, you're right.
I forgot.
I'm an executive. - There you
go.
That means I have confidence.
Women like people with
confidence,
but you gotta remember you have
confidence to use it.
Have confidence, I get receipts.
Excuse me, would you like to
dance?
Oh my god!
Sure.
I lead.
I was kidding.
I'm not.
Oh.
[SLAPPING AND SHOUTING]
Yeehaw!
Woo!
Don't spoil me, baby.
Come on!
[HORSE SOUND]
So how'd things go with Willie?
No problem.
Look at him.
SPIDER BOLTON: Are you sure?
Which guy you're talking about?
The one who's walking funny.
That's not Willie.
That's Murphy.
Murphy?
No, that's Willie.
Dick Willie.
Who's Dick Willie?
He is?
What are you talking, Dick
Willie?
Yesterday, you pointed at him
and said get that Dick Willie.
But I didn't call him Dick,
because that sounds too tough.
And Richard's too farmer, so
last night
I went over to him at the bar,
and I asked him how's Dickie?
And he answered doing fine now
that you're here.
You screwed up.
No, I screwed him.
Jeez, I was pointing at that
guy.
[CRASHING SOUND]
You screwed the wrong guy.
You got to fix it.
Hey.
Still works, a little.
If Willie wins, tonight you get
him.
You got it?
Uh huh.
Not Dickie, not Jonesy, not
Prickie.
Him, Willie.
You understand?
Uh huh.
Good.
I have an interview to do.
It's a living.
[GRUNTING]
I've got to pee real bad.
It's just nerves, kid.
I don't know if I can hold it.
Here's a little something I
learned on the tour.
What's this for?
You fill it up, kid.
Spider, no one denies you're
the undisputed favorite,
the greatest in the sport.
How do you do it?
Well, Dan, it's all about
integrity.
I try to use my head.
I live right, eat right, try to
respect my fellow competitors,
and just try to be the role
model I used
to look up to when I was a kid.
Now, what?
Tie it off and get rid of it.
SPIDER BOLTON: And my
inspiration, Dan,
well, that comes from up there.
[SPLASHING SOUND]
Spider Bolton, what a guy.
How'd it go, kid?
Good.
You don't look so good, Mr.
Murphy.
I'll be fine.
You know, I'm feeling kind of
dry myself.
Where'd you get that water?
From the water cooler.
From that thing?
Water comes out of that?
Huh.
Hold this for me will you, Mr.
Murphy?
Thanks.
Technology.
What will they think of next?
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the semi
final round
of the Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
Today, we'll see newcomer phenom
Willie
Jones take on the comeback story
of Jack Murphy.
[YAWN]
All right.
Good luck, kid.
You too, Mr. Murphy.
OFFICIAL: Racers ready?
Five four, three, two, one, go.
ANNOUNCER: They're off.
JACK MURPHY: Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: Murphy literally
attacking
the top of the course.
JACK MURPHY: Woo!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, a nightmare on
that jump.
And they're into the S turns.
JACK MURPHY: Yeah.
ANNOUNCER: This is anybody's
race.
They're matching each other move
for move.
Willie is looking good and
picking up speed on his way
down the track.
And oh, he has got some nice air
here.
Whoa!
ANNOUNCER: Approaching the final
jump of the course.
JACK MURPHY: Yeehaw!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, he is down.
Jack Murphy is down.
Yeah.
[CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: In the gate, the
favorite to take it all,
Spider Bolton.
OFFICIAL: Racers ready.
Five, four.
ANNOUNCER: We're down to the
last two skiers.
Annie Meyers appears ready.
They're off.
They're on the extreme part of
the course.
They're close, Meyers looking
very good.
But Spider looking up for
second.
Go, Annie!
[ANNIE YELLING]
SPIDER BOLTON: Is that all
you've got?
ANNOUNCER: And into the S turns.
This is anybody's race.
[ANNIE SHOUTING]
Little bit of pushing and
shoving.
[SKIERS JOSTLING]
[PUNCHING SOUND]
[ANNIE SHRIEKING]
Ouch.
Annie Meyers is down.
Hey, that was dirty!
SPIDER BOLTON: Yeah, yeah!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, he has got some
nice air here.
Here we go, down the final
straightaway.
Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: A really solid run
for Spider Bolton.
[CHEERING]
You cheated.
She fell.
I hit a groove.
She couldn't get out of the way.
No, Spider.
You did that on purpose.
Yeah, Willie?
And if I did, what are you going
to do about it?
I'm going to kick your ass.
Only this time for real.
Ow.
Piss ant.
Willie, what a kidder.
So, OK.
What are you going to do now,
Burns?
Thinking of taking up
synchronized swimming.
There's a lot of money in that,
you know?
What about you?
Foreign service, diplomatic
corps.
Howdy, darling.
Hi.
Hi.
Buy you a drink?
I-- I breast not have one.
I had enough boobs to fill a jug
or two.
You know just what to say to
turn a girl on, don't you?
Hi, Willie.
He's a little bit busy now,
honey.
Would you like me to order you
some chocolate milk?
You feel like joining me for
some dinner?
No, Willie.
I expect you to beat Spider
tomorrow.
[SLAPPING SOUND]
So, I'm ordering you up to your
room, and into bed.
OK?
Sounds good to me.
Me, too.
Can I have a good night kiss
too?
Good night, Willie.
Good night.
Goodbye.
Night.
Good night.
[KNOCKING]
Be right there.
You left something at the bar.
WILLIE JONES: What?
Me.
You know, I probably could have
beaten that turd Bolton,
but that Samantha chick really
wore me out.
You don't think it was possible?
Well, same thing happened
before my race,
I mean, that woman kept me up
all night.
And I do mean up.
So, wait a minute.
Both of you were hit on by that
silicone monster
before your races?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That means that spider was the
only male who made
it to the semis who wasn't.
Well, poor Spider.
So, let me see if I understand
this.
You want me to take my pajamas
off?
That is so silly.
I just put them on.
But it's getting worse in here.
I can turn up the air.
What for?
Well, I better get to sleep
now.
Good.
Cause it's time for mama to tuck
you in.
You're nice, you know that?
I'll be right back with a big
surprise.
You'd be a good boy and get mama
some ice.
Yes, mama.
[KNOCKING] HANS SAXER: Mama.
Mama.
Hey Billy, have you seen my
mama?
Mom?
Yeah, yeah.
Mama's in there.
Oh.
She must have switched rooms.
Mama?
Mama?
HANS SAXER: What is this, mama?
Oh, mama.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Mama, mama!
Oh, oh, mama.
You know, that sounds like
something Spider would do.
Yeah, me and the Crazy Canuck
here
are just the kind of butt heads
to fall for a scheme like that.
Willie's racing Spider
tomorrow,
and I just saw her follow him
out.
I guess he's in for the night
of his life, then.
[CHUCKLING]
Tough break out there today,
Annie.
Of course, you know it was an
accident.
What do you say we leave these
hooligans
and go get wet in the pool, huh?
Why wait for the pool?
[PUNCHING SOUND]
And that was no accident.
[WOMAN SCREAMING IN PLEASURE]
I know this is none of my
business, but I'm coming in.
[WOMAN SCREAMING] MRS. SAXER:
You lazy!
HANS SAXER: No, mama. No, mama.
No, mama.
Stop it, mama.
Please.
[HANS AND MOTHER SHOUTING]
MRS. SAXER: I want to kill her.
HANS SAXER: Please, mama.
Hi.
You want company?
Sure.
Hans is in my room getting beat
up by a couple of mothers.
I can't go in there.
Willie.
I-- I learned something from you
tonight.
What's that?
That all men aren't shallow,
hormonal, sexually driven,
penis-brained jerks.
Can I tell you a secret?
Sure what.
You were wrong.
Well, I better clear Hans out of
my room and get some sleep.
Good idea.
Willie.
Did I mention that I like the
shallow, hormonal, sexually
driven, penis-brain type?
Me, too!
[MURPHY MUMBLING]
JACK MURPHY: Shut up, or we're
going
to wake up the whole damn town.
[HUSHING SOUNDS]
All right, get in here.
The longest shot wins.
Oh, come on.
Don't-- this is a respectful
town.
You don't do this.
All right.
So we're all in for $10, right?
Yeah.
I'll go first.
I'm going to bust.
[SOUNDS OF URINATING]
That's decent, man.
But experience rules.
Viva France, leave my pants.
Well, watch out below.
Here I go.
Yeah.
[FARTING NOISE]
[MEN SCREAMING]
[BEAR LAUGHING]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to the championship round
of the world's most exciting ski
event,
the Jock Hop Kamikaze Run.
Thousands of fans are lining the
run
having been here since the crack
of dawn with only
one question on their mind.
Who is the world's best
all-around skier?
Spider Bolton or Willie Jones?
Hey, doofus.
Don't try to buddy up with me,
Spider.
Let me tell you something,
dickhead.
You're a poor excuse for a skier
and an even poorer
excuse for a human being.
What are you trying to say,
Spider?
You're a loser.
You're the lowest rung on the
food chain.
You're plankton, you're earwax.
Look, Spider.
You've got something to say, say
it?
You're a goddamn piece of brain
dump.
You throw like a girl and you
squat to pee.
Nobody's perfect.
You squat to pee?
OFFICIAL: Racers ready.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Go.
ANNOUNCER: And they're out of
the gate in the final race
of the Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
Stride for stride in the extreme
section.
The final section of the run is
marked
by three obstacles never seen
before in professional racing.
This Cyclone Snow Cone, the Ring
of Fire, and the Slush Cup.
At these speeds, with these
obstacles, any kind of fall
would be disastrous.
[SPIDER LAUGHING] - Hey, Spider!
SPIDER BOLTON: Come on, come on!
ANNOUNCER: Uh oh.
Looks like there's something
going
on between these two racers.
WILLIE JONES: Hey!
Play fair.
JAKE: Come on, come on.
Get around that guy!
WILLIE JONES: Oh, Spider.
Let me go.
ANNOUNCER: They still look good
as they struggle
through their first jump.
It's Willie in the lead through
the S turns,
but Spider isn't letting up for
a second.
WILLIE JONES: Spider!
ANNOUNCER: They're down but back
up.
And Spider is back on course.
See you, loser!
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
ANNOUNCER: Spider doesn't even
seem to be phased by his fall.
Willie Jones has disappeared
from sight, folks.
So it looks like Spider Bolton
may be our champion.
Wait a second. SPIDER BOLTON:
Shit!
ANNOUNCER: I don't know how he
did it,
but it looks like Willie Jones
is back on course, and actually
ahead of Spider Bolton.
Unbelievable!
Willie and Spider both take
jumps
for the compulsory aerial.
And they're into the mogul
section.
The sun has softened things up
quite a bit.
But that's not slowing down
these racers.
A helicopters for Willie at the
bottom, and a daffy for Spider.
They're heading down toward the
Cyclone Snow Cone.
It's going to be close, but it
looks
like Willie is off the side of
the Snow Cone and airborne.
It actually looked like he
jumped the first part
of the Cone, and he's landed
back in the track,
still going strong.
SPIDER BOLTON: Come on!
ANNOUNCER: What an amazing
sight, as the racers
make a death-defying leap
through the Ring Of Fire.
They're off the final jump.
Oh, into the Slush Cup neck and
neck.
This is close.
[SKIERS GRUNTING]
[MEN GROANING]
They are down.
Both Spider and Willie have
fallen
just feet from the finish.
SPIDER BOLTON: Come here!
Get back!
ANNOUNCER: This is anybody's
race!
Come on.
All right!
ANNOUNCER: They're running neck
and neck to the finish line.
It's Willie.
It's Spider!
It's-- it's-- Willie Jones!
[CHEERING]
Yes, yes!
You did it, Willie!
You did it.
ANNOUNCER: The winner of this
year's Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
Willie Jones, who's won the
$500,000 Jock Pop Kamikaze Run!
[CROWD CHANTING "WILLIE"]
Shit!
[CROWD CHANTING "WILLIE"]
Willie!
Yeah!
Mama.
Ah!
Road trip.
You're kidding?
I baked cookies.
Chocolate chip.
With macadamia nuts.
Oh, I'm in hog heaven.
Patch out, Road Miester.
Yeehaw!
[ENGINE REVVING]
Stop this!
Mama, I won't be back.
What?
You won't be back?
Hans.
I'll let you wear your shirt.
Hans!
I'll cook for you.
Hans?
Wait a minute, I'm a manager.
Do you need representation?
Oh.
You again!
[PUNCHING SOUND]
[MEN YELLING]
[PUNCHING SOUNDS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: (SINGING) Two cool skiers
sitting side by side.
Wrapping a tub, going to open
wide.
They know what it takes if
they're going to win.
They'll be cutting the ice, and
digging in.
Speed bumping and cutting the
fool.
Cool running and starting to
move.
Let's go Willie, go Willie,
straight to the top.
Kamikaze Run.
Let's go Willie, go willie, just
can't stop.
Kamikaze Run.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Go, Willie!
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[WIND BLOWING]
WILLIE JONES: Hey, Jake!
Yeah.
[ENGINE ROARING]
[LAUGHING]
Jake!
Wait up!
(SINGING) Two skis standing
side by side.
Wrapping the tough, going to
open wide.
You know what it takes, and they
don't know--
Hey!
[LAUGHING]
(SINGING) You're running, and
you're starting to groove.
Let's go Willie, go Willie.
Stay to the side.
Jake!
(SINGING) Let's go Willie, go
Willie.
Just can't stop.
I'm coming!
Jake!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Jake!
Wait up!
Whoa.
Oh.
You beat me again, Jake.
You gotta be down a quart with
lots of sky between the ears
to ski like that, son.
You didn't even have snow half
the way.
Gee, thanks.
Don't mentions it.
Hit the lights for me, would
you, Willie!
Yeah, sure.
Lights here don't seem to be
working, Jake.
Neither do yours, son.
Well, I got a surprise for you,
Jake.
What's that?
You'd learn how to spell your
name?
No, like I finished fixing the
plane for you last night.
You did?
Yeah.
See, I've been watching you fix
things around here for years.
I think I finally got the hang
of it.
We'll see.
Watch.
What the hell did you do?
Oil change.
Don't come near me.
MAN: And look at him go, a
combination
of talent, aestheticism, system
and sheer bravery.
Extreme skiing at its best.
Men down mountains at 120, 130
miles an hour.
Everything America wants in a
sporting event.
Bravery, speed, and imminent
disaster.
They'll be peeling off his skin
with that suit.
Now, that's good television so
what do you think, Mr. Grimble?
Well it's, it's--
Chilling.
No, more than that.
It's chilling.
So, where does Jock Pop fit into
all of this?
The Kamikaze Run.
Most dangerous, most extreme ski
race in history.
Kamikaze Run.
The Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
No, no Mel.
The Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
That is genius.
We'll invite the world's
greatest skiers.
Imagine, Mr. Grimble, the
greatest skier in the world
hold ups a bottle of Jock Pop,
or he holds it up
so we see it's Jock Pop.
And he proclaims, Jock Pop makes
me the best of the best.
He'll be holding and showing.
Well, it's great that we'll have
the best, Mel.
But what about the every man who
identifies with our drink?
How do we include them?
The answer, in one word, is
wild card.
That may be two words, Mel.
Murray, get the dictionary. Mel,
continue.
It's simple, Mr. Gribble.
We'll have regional wild card
picks
who will compete for a chance to
participate in the big event.
I like it.
Make this happen, Mel.
I'm holding you personally
responsible.
Yes, sir.
By the way, what kind of people
are these skiers?
I can assure you we're talking
about the finest,
most wholesome, upstanding
citizens in the sports world
today. [MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAN SHOUTING]
Hey, Kelly!
How's the [INAUDIBLE], eh?
You've been invited to Whistler
for the Kamikaze Run.
- Kelly? - Woo!
[INAUDIBLE]
The Crazy Canuck's going to the
Kamikaze Run!
Woo!
[ACCORDION PLAYING]
You must first stretch the
muscles
if you are going to ski.
The great ones, Tomba, Killy,
Kidd, Cher.
They all did this same exercise.
Oui, oui, oui.
[MUMBLING]
Hold it there.
Don't move.
I can see the potential.
Whoa.
I can see so much potential.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Dear Monsieur Gogo LeBeau, the
Kamikaze Run, wild card,
Kamikaze Jackpot, $500,000?
Mon dieu.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].
ANNOUNCER: Well, sports fans.
The Jock Pop Kamikaze Run is
shaping up
to be quite an event.
French superstar Gee Go Go
LeBeau,
Canada's Crazy Canuck Kelly
Burns
have both accepted invitations.
We're still waiting to hear from
other invitees,
including the extreme ski legend
Spider Bolton Swiss Sensation
Hans Saxer and two-time league
skiing world champion,
and former downhill Olympic
silver medalist, Jack Murphy.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Murphy, despite his well
publicized bout
of alcohol abuse, is still
considered
to be among the world's greatest
skiers.
Currently, Murphy is reported to
be in rehab
for his alcohol problem.
Rehab!
Rehab, my ass.
You tell them Jack Daniels
Murphy is back.
[SITAR PLAYING]
The Kamikaze Run.
First prize, $5,000.
Wait, 50.
No.
Five, zero, zero, zero, zero,
zero, dollars.
Oh, Royal Sky Dude, you who
allows a gnarly hairball
like myself to carve sweet ones
down your most
radical peaks, which I might
have looked
like most excellent honkers.
I know we need no trophy hunters
while we're catching air.
But your Royal Skyness, grant me
the power of an avalanche
and the strength of the sun,
that I might free ride
my way to a most bitching run.
That rhymes, cool.
I am the half pipe, free my
soul.
Whoa!
[BRANCH SNAPPING]
Like, thanks, Sky Dude.
This is totally outrageous.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAN YELLING]
Mama, I wasn't ready.
Why did you push me?
Why did you make me crash?
Grow up, you simple.
We've been invited to this
Kamikaze Run.
First prize, half a million
bucks.
And prizes and endorsements.
Kamikaze Run?
Oh, that sounds scary, mama.
You know what happens to Hans
when he gets scared.
Stop your whining and get
packing.
They have toilets there, there
go.
OK, I will go. I will go.
But, can I wear my shirt?
Presentation, son.
Presentation.
[HANS SOBBING]
Well, it looks like that
kamikaze race
is beginning to shape up.
They got all the big boys
showing up.
Murphy, Half Pipe, LeBeau,
$500,000.
That's a lot of money.
You know kid, I think you could
win this thing.
I see the problem now, Jake.
You gotta eat more fiber.
Are you listening to me?
Nobody skis like you.
You should enter this Kamikaze.
I don't know, Jake.
I got a job most guys would kill
for.
Clear, she's clear.
AJ.
How are you, sheriff.
Better that you're going to be
when you see this.
I'm sorry, Jake.
I got to close you down.
Mortgage ain't been paid in
eight months.
Well, I knew it was coming
sooner or later.
Nothing I can do about it.
Business is bad.
Well, what do you expect way
out here?
There's no walk-in trade, no
road, no phone, no people.
Oh, no.
Let me hang that for you,
sheriff.
- What? - Here, take that.
Hey, hey, hey!
[GUNSHOT]
Whoa!
I'm getting out of here while
I'm still alive.
[AIRPLANE ENGINE]
What's this mean, Jake?
JAKE: They're going to shut me
down.
You think that'll be bad for
business?
You can say that again.
OK.
You think that'll be bad for
business?
This means we're out of
business.
Gee, Jake.
You really think I'm good enough
to win that ski money?
Kid, you're the best natural
skier I ever saw at it.
And hey, hey.
They got regional nominating
committees
picking the best local skiers
for two wild card spots.
They got extreme skiing,
jumping, flipping,
all rolled into one event.
I can do that.
And listen, this is fun, they
got speed skiing.
You hit the mountain, 130, 140
miles an hour.
You got to be nuts to do that.
Well, you got that in your
favor, kid.
Gee, thanks.
I don't know anybody on no
regional committees.
Sure you do.
Congratulations.
As the self-appointed head of
the Winnepakee Ridge wild card
nominating committee, I hereby
and officially appoint you
our wild card representative.
I'm touched, Jake.
You sure are, kid.
We'll, get your skis.
You're in training.
[GRUNTING]
I got, it, Jake.
I'm building up, Jake.
Oh, Willie!
Whoa. This is gasoline.
Don't. Give me that.
It's gasoline.
Oh, no.
[EXPLOSION]
It's raining, Jake.
You hear that thunder?
Once over Winnepakee and back,
and that's it.
I got to take a break.
Come on.
My old granny could do better
than that.
Two more passes.
Yeah!
Come on, kid!
You can do it!
Down, get your head down.
Yeah!
Whoa!
Jake!
Good boy!
There it is, look.
WILLIE JONES: Wow.
Yeah.
This is the place.
Down here.
Yeah.
Down here.
Geronimo!
[LAUGHTER]
Thanks a lot!
Hey, do you know where I could
find
something to wipe my nose with.
Thanks.
You people sure are
accommodating around here.
Danny Hodges here live from
race headquarters,
where all the regional hopefuls
are
registering for their chance to
compete
in the $500,000 Kamikaze Run.
The Jack Pop Kamikaze Run.
Jack Pop is very proud to be
associated
with this great event.
So when you see the great stuff,
associate Jack Pop.
Because it's our guys. - Right.
Thanks, Mel Horner.
And of course, the lobby is
crawling with these athletes.
MEL HORNER: They convey
everything Jock Pop stands for.
They are the finest examples of
sheer athleticism.
Brave, strong, confident,
intelligent.
Hey guys, can you tell me
where?
Are we on TV?
Neato.
Hey, Willie Jones here.
Anyway, I got to sign up and get
a room.
My pal Jake sold his old pickup
to give me some cash
to sign up for this thing.
I never been to one of these
fancy hotels before.
The registration desk is right
over there.
[BELL RINGS]
Where, right over there?
[PEOPLE GRUNTING IN PAIN]
And good luck to all our
competitors.
ANNOUNCER: And how about this,
sports fans?
We just learned that Spider
Bolton, considered the greatest
all around skier on the planet,
has been added to the lineup
of the Kamikaze Run.
Bolton, who is also the leading
endorser in ski products,
spotted warming up on the slopes
this morning.
Ha!
Look out!
Cheese!
[LAUGHING]
Shit.
Excuse me, but the last people
must have
left these in the hotel room.
Some little soaps and towels and
things,
they'll probably be calling
looking for it.
It's pretty nice stuff.
I'm going to go check out that
swimming pool.
What's that, Flipper?
[DOLPHIN NOISES]
Timmy's trapped in the cave?
Yes.
Look out, Flipper.
It's Jaws.
There's only one creature
capable of scaring away
the mighty Jaws.
Oh my god, look at him.
It's Orca.
I love swimming.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) Summer turned to
winter.
The smile to a form.
Yeah, I can be your anything.
I can even be your clown.
I'll be your clown.
I'll be your clown.
I'll be your clown.
I'll be around.
All she wants is diamonds,
because they're
a girls best friend.
Hi. What would you like?
I got hammered with a couple of
pile drivers last night.
Make mine a rusty nail.
I'll have a screwdriver.
Nice suit.
Thanks
How about you?
Well, I guess I could use a new
pair of pliers.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Fire! Fire!
Move back!
Move back, fire!
Move back.
Fire!
Please, run away!
Fire.
It's not a fire.
It's a smoke machine.
Smoke machine?
You've never seen a smoke
machine?
No.
Back home, smoke means fire.
That makes sense.
Willie Jones, hi.
You're Willie Jones. What a
coincidence.
My name's Willie Jones too, I
don't believe this.
What are the odds?
No, you're Willie Jones.
I'm Annie Meyers.
I was reading your name tag.
Well, I guess I'll see you
around then.
Yeah.
See you.
Don't anybody panic.
It's a smoke machine.
A machine that makes smoke.
Everyone just remain calm.
Smoke machine.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: (SINGING) What did I say to
make you go away?
What did I do now?
Summer turned to winter, a smile
to a frown.
DANNY HODGES: Ladies and
gentlemen, live from Whistler,
welcome to the regional wild
card
competition for the first annual
Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Danny Hodges, standing on
top of what can only
be described as a nightmare.
The course record here is 137
miles per hour.
And if you fall, it takes a good
half mile to stop.
The two skiers with the fastest
times
will qualify to compete against
the world's best
in the $500,000 Kamikaze Run.
in the $500,000 Kamikaze Run.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Hey Nice suit.
It's nice.
I like it.
Did you ever race before?
No, just against airplanes.
Right.
Well, good luck.
You know, I've never been
around like a ski mountain
before.
I'm not a skier, but I seen it a
lot on TV and movies.
Did you see that one movie?
It was so funny, because the guy
was so stupid.
He put his tongue right on a
cold pole like this.
You didn't see it?
Oh, you'd be cracking up.
You'd be liking me, because
you'd be laughing if you saw.
Try to picture the.
Oh, you can't?
It was like this.
It was [MUMBLING].
WOMAN: Oh, gross.
Uh.
Somebody.
Ski Patrol?
Ski Patrol?
Anybody got first aid?
Anyone?
Is there a doctor here?
[MUMBLING IN PAIN]
Is there a sponsor, for God's
sake?
Somebody, help.
ANNOUNCER: And we're ready to
begin the wild card
event of the Kamikaze Run.
First up, two-time downhill
Olympic gold medalist,
the dark horse of the
competition.
From Colorado, Billy Hopkins.
3, 2, 1.
ANNOUNCER: And he's off.
Hopkins is off to a good start.
Losing the speed path, and oh,
he has won.
Five, four.
ANNOUNCER: Now, Tim Kiermakoff
is out of the gate.
[INAUDIBLE] the speed trap,
staying nice.
He's into the speed trap, and
oh, he is down.
Lars Gorson is down.
We're down to the last two
skiers.
Annie Meyers appears ready.
And she's off.
Looking very good.
Tight, strong, and she's soaring
toward the [INAUDIBLE]..
And she hits the deep end.
It may turn out to be the best
run of the day.
Nobody [INAUDIBLE].
But Annie looks like she might
do it.
Look at her time.
That's quite a run for former
downhill junior champion Annie
Meyers.
They thought her career was over
after a knee injury.
Four years later, this young
lady is
proving the skiing world wrong.
So Annie Meyers takes the lead
with Ned Benson
second for the two wild card
spots.
[CAMERA SNAPPING]
This is our last skier of the
day.
Willie Jones.
Says here this is Willie's first
time in competition.
Two, one, go.
ANNOUNCER: And he's off.
He is looking good and picking
up speed on his way
to the trap.
The speed trap is coming up very
fast.
And he's in the trap.
What a runs.
This is unbelievable.
It's a new course record.
13.94.
That's 139 miles per hour.
Willie Jones and Annie Meyers
have earned the wild card
spots for Kamikaze Run.
I got to be careful.
I drank this back home once, and
I'll tell you,
this stuff really makes me go.
Terrific.
Would you mind saying that into
the camera?
Are he sure?
Absolutely.
Then I want you go to the pro
shop,
buy yourself a new outfit.
Charge it to me, Mel Horner,
Jock Pop.
Our racers have got to look
their best.
Now ready, when I say I'm ready,
I want you to build it up slow,
and remember, say how it makes
you go fast.
Ready, and action.
Jock Pop really makes me go
fast, real fast.
In fact, when I drink it, I
could barely get my pants
down before I got to go.
I'd take a sip right now, but
well,
who knows what might happen.
Thank you?
Is that good?
Well, I've got to go.
[PHONE RINGING]
Mr. Grimble?
No.
I didn't know it could be a
laxative.
No, yeah.
I'll have them check that out.
A little to the left.
No, no, you got to angle it more
to the right.
Freeze.
Not you, the sign.
Just go, go.
Oh, hey what are you doing!
Get up back here.
You gotta get him back here.
[BAGPIPES PLAYING]
The bus is coming.
[BAGPIPES PLAYING]
Over here, come on.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
Jock Pop
welcomes the world's most
talented all-around skiers.
The greatest athletes in the
world,
each serving as a wholesome role
model for our nation's youth.
Leading the way, it looks like,
yes, one of the world's
greatest extreme skiers.
It's the Crazy Canuck, Kelly
Burns.
[CHEERING]
Don't worry, ladies and
gentlemen.
When he's not on the slope,
Burns is one
of Hollywood's top stuntmen.
Whoa.
Hey, all right. ANNOUNCER: Next
up.
Hey, it's this Swiss Strongman,
Hans The Chicken Saxer.
Ah.
Oh, it's the medicine.
It's the good thing the boy is
toiled trained.
The hat.
The idea is you guys wear the
hat.
[DRUMMING]
ANNOUNCER: And here's what you
call a true original, the man
known as Half Pipe, Derek Moon.
How are you doing?
Whoa, cool.
Jock Pop, a radical bouquet of
bodacious bubbles.
A most respectful non-alcoholic
libation.
Reminiscent of a hideous bodily
function.
Tastes like somebody took a leak
in this bottle, man.
Awesome.
Back to nature.
Tastes like piss, cool.
It's an acquired taste.
ANNOUNCER: Let's see who's next
Oh,
there's no mistaking this guy.
All the way from France, Guy
Gogo LeBeau.
Give me that hat!
That's not for you!
No pushing me.
Hold this for me, miss.
I have a message for all you
beautiful
women in this country.
I'll be at the hotel, in the
Boom Boom Room.
Be nice!
ANNOUNCER: Now, here's an old
friend of ours.
Jack Murphy.
Hi, Jack.
Don't mind if I do, son.
Shit!
Yeah!
(SLURRING) Thank you very much.
Thank you!
Thank you!
[PHONE RINGING]
Yes, Mr. Grimble.
The mascot, a great idea.
You could call it a bullseye.
Oh yeah, it's standing up.
As a matter of fact, it's
perfectly erect.
Yeah!
[SCREECHING TIRES]
ANNOUNCER: There's one more
participant,
ladies and gentlemen.
What's this?
Coming down the driveway, this
must--
yes.
Yes, it is.
A man who needs no introduction,
the world
record holder in three events.
Spider Bolton.
[CRASHING NOISE]
SPIDER BOLTON: My car!
My car!
[HORN]
Shit!
Hold it.
Don't shoot.
We've got to wait for the last
guy.
Where is he?
I think that's him.
Who's the dork, Mel?
Let's go. Come on, Willie.
We got a picture to take.
What do you want me to do?
Put this on, and stand in the
back.
Ouch, my foot!
Oh, sorry.
OK, everybody.
When I give you the cue, I want
you all to take a sip.
Ready, and drink.
They never do that.
How immature.
Please, stop fooling around.
Who the hell is fooling around,
Mel?
Ugh!
Yeah, that's better.
Ah!
Just look, could you just
pretend to drink?
Well, I ain't no hypocrite.
Me neither.
Right, mama?
That's right, son.
I didn't raise no hypocrites.
Look.
There's $500 in it for each of
you.
Hans, stop your whining, and
take a swig of that Jock shit.
And like it, stupid.
Yes, mama.
Thank you.
Kids.
Ready?
Good.
And one, two, three.
[CAMERA SNAP]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
As you know, the competition
begins tomorrow.
We'll be running you down the
course two at a time.
They'll be man against man, or
woman.
I have the match ups right here.
Wild card entry Annie Meyers
will open the competition
against Hans Saxer.
Jack Murphy will compete against
Guy LeBeau.
Howdy, Frenchie!
I would kick your butt, Yankee
Pete.
Stop that now.
Spider Bolton will a race
against Kelly Burns.
And the other wild card winner,
Willie Jones,
will go against Half Pipe Moon
Cool.
Thank you, and good luck to
all.
So, where's the $500?
The what?
The $500 you promised me.
Oh, would you stop?
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Ah!
I'm all alone.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: (SINGING) Don't be looking
at me like you
lost your lone best friend.
If I could dance with her,
mama.
They're dancing.
Ah!
Would you like a Twinkie?
No thanks, I'm full.
MEL HORNER: I have confidence.
My friend owns a car, and he
lets me drive it.
[SHOUTING]
Hey.
Howdy, Mel.
Let me buy you a drink, son.
No, thanks.
I get all the zip I need out of
these babies here.
Oh, come on Mel.
I want to party with you, dude.
Come on.
I'm hitting on the girl.
I can't get the on Saturday.
But that's OK, because I belong
to several video clubs.
Hi.
Spider Bolton.
Hi.
Annie Meyer.
It's a real pleasure to meet
you.
The pleasure is all mine, Annie
Meyers.
How's it going, eh?
You going a light?
Sure.
Woo!
This is the non-smoking section.
[RIPPING SOUND]
Excuse me.
[WOMAN SHRIEKING]
If he's not the most childish,
moronic,
dweeb you've ever seen?
Well, I don't know.
I think they're kind of cute.
Cute?
I find nothing cute about them
at all.
They mock our sport.
I saw show your run on
television the other day.
Very impressive.
Oh, well.
Not compared to you.
I'm really looking forward to
watching you up close.
Well, how close would you like
to get?
Oh, I didn't mean it like that.
Well, I did.
Hi, Annie.
Hi, Willie.
Willie, this is Spider.
Willie?
I can't believe they let guys
like you compete.
Neither can I.
So, Willie, you think you got
what it takes to kick my ass?
Sure.
I can kick your ass.
You're going to have to make it
to the finals,
because that's where I'm going
to be.
No, I don't.
What are you talking about?
[THUD]
See, I just kicked your ass.
Hey, everybody.
Time for line dancing.
Willie, come on.
Let's dance.
Hi.
Spider Bolton.
Care to dance?
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]
[GUNSHOTS]
Oh, I hope I didn't hurt you.
[MUMBLING] I'm OK.
Oops.
There I go again.
Are you sure I can't kiss it and
make it better?
If this is a dream, I'm going
to be pissed.
What's your name?
Samantha.
Samantha.
Are you staying in a hotel?
Yes.
In your room.
In my room?
Great party, Mel.
This is great.
I'm out.
I'm interacting.
Woo hoo.
Son.
I'm going to hit the bush. - Oh,
yeah.
Mama.
Don't you go sneaking any
booze.
Oh, no mama.
I feel crazy.
I feel uninhibited.
You see that woman over there?
When she walks by, I'm going to
nod or something.
I do it.
Woo!
Oh, you're a wild man, Mel.
[MEL MUMBLING]
WILLIE JONES: Pretty good.
Crazy.
Hey, ow!
[PUNCH]
WILLIE JONES: Are you OK.
[PUNCHING SOUND]
What's up, dude? Looks like you
ate the rug.
So you going to hang yourself,
[INAUDIBLE]??
Or have you got the [INAUDIBLE]?
[PUNCHING SOUND]
Cool.
Stop, stop.
Can't we all just get along?
Shut up and get me a drink!
[GLASS BREAKING]
[PUNCHING SOUND]
[WOOD SNAPPING]
Out of my way, surfer boy.
[PUNCHING SOUND]
It hurts right here.
No, no!
Hans says he don't want to
fight.
Hans has no choice.
You touch my girl?
[GLASS BREAKING]
Whoa!
Hans.
Bedtime.
Yeah, mama.
[PUNCHING SOUND] - Yeah.
Get in there.
Get the hell out of here.
Willie.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on!
How did this start?
Stop.
Stop this is bad for publicity.
Stop it.
You guys can't--
[PUNCHING SOUND]
That's my sponsor, you dick.
[PUNCHING SOUND]
Hit him again, man.
You're going to bust your hand
on his face of yours.
[PUNCHING SOUND]
Come on troublemaker.
- What are you doing? - Come on,
come on.
I didn't do anything!
I'm the good guy.
I had a great night.
Thank you.
What are you thanking me for?
Because you're a girl, and
you're nice to me.
And you're trying to help me.
Why, girls aren't ever nice to
you?
No.
They usually don't think I'm
cool enough.
Well, I better get to sleep I'm
going to be any good tomorrow.
My room's back that way.
Good night.
It's everything I thought it
would be.
[KISSING SOUNDS]
Shall we raise the flag again ?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, everybody.
I'm Danny Hodges.
Along with Jock Pop executive
Mel Horner.
We're on our ways to the start
of an incredible event.
In the Gondola above us, the
eight contestants
are on their way up to the top
of one of the most challenging
runs in the history of skiing.
Uh, uh, mama.
Hey, LeBeau.
Move over.
I think Old Faithful here is
going to let fly.
[HANS MUMBLING]
Yeah, in a matter of moments,
we'll find out
what these skiers have in them.
[VOMITING SOUND]
Ugh.
DANNY HODGES: Jack Murphy, you
think
you really can beat LeBeau?
Hell, yeah.
You're serious.
Damn right.
I'm surprised we got you out of
the bar for this one.
The stories about that rehab
are completely false.
I've been in training for three
months for his race.
I haven't set foot in a bar.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack
Murphy.
Howdy.
The Kamikaze Run.
Good luck, Jack. - Thank you
very much.
Ooh.
[GUY GRUNTING]
Hey, Willie.
No hard feelings about last
night?
Sure.
Good.
It's your first real
competition
and I want you to do well out
there today.
So, I brought you this.
All of us use it on our skis.
Give us that little extra edge.
Gee thanks, Spider.
That's really swell of you.
Don't mention it.
Good luck.
[SOBBING]
Oh, son.
Mama, I just wet my Spandex.
That sure is a big mountain.
That is so steep.
I might fall or burn my arse.
My dear sweetie, stupid,
annoying, jack
shit for brains, moronic son.
Yeah, mama?
Be a good boy and kick that
boy's arse.
[SOBBING]
Come on!
ANNOUNCER: Round one the
quarterfinals.
Our first two years are in
position.
Meyers vs. Saxer.
This is a single elimination
tournament.
[HANS WHIMPERING]
I'm not ready. My gosh.
Go get him, girl.
Racer ready.
No!
OFFICIAL: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[HANS SCREAMING]
ANNOUNCER: They're on the speed
part of the course.
They're close, with Meyers an
early lead.
But Saxon is going to be a slow
starter and a fierce finisher.
Saxon's weight is really helping
him pick
up speed on this straightaway.
Hans is really going for it.
But Saxer has made a really
risky choice, taking
the steeper of the two lines.
[HANS SCREAMING]
Oh, he has got some night air
here.
Ouch.
Saxer is down.
Hans Saxer is out of the race.
All she's got to do know if
finish the race to win,
but Annie Meyers is not letting
up.
A really solid run for Annie
Meyers, who is letting us
know that she's going to be a
force to be reckoned with.
And she earns a spot in the
semifinals of the Kamikaze Run.
Yeah!
[CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: Next up is Jack
Murphy and Guy Gogo LeBeau.
Au revoir, French boy.
OFFICIAL: 3 2, 1.
JACK MURPHY: Yeehaw!
ANNOUNCER: They both get a good
start out of the gate.
Both get some nice air on that
jump.
And they're into the S turns.
JACK MURPHY: Woo!
Whoa!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, LeBeau lost it
there for a second.
Here we go, down the final
straightaway.
And it's Murphy.
Jack Murphy will move on to the
next round of the Kamikaze Run.
[CHEERING]
[SPRAYING SOUND]
In the gate to take it all,
Spider
Bolton against the man known as
the Crazy Canuck, Kelly Burns.
Hey.
Ugh.
OFFICIAL: Racers ready?
Five four, three, two, one, go.
ANNOUNCER: And they're out of
the gate.
There's still fresh powder up
there.
And they seem to be enjoying
every second
of this challenging part of the
course.
[YAWNING]
There's a wake up call from
Spider,
as he takes the lead into the S
turns.
Burns is down.
Spider knows he's the only man
left in this race.
And he's not letting up for a
second.
[CHEERING]
Wear the hats, bud.
Hey, Mel.
This is going to cost you.
[MEL LAUGHING]
ANNOUNCER: And here comes Kelly
Burns.
[SNORING SOUND]
What can I say, Mel?
Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: This is a race that
nobody would have thought
possible just a few days ago.
Snowboarding phenom Derek Half
Pipe Moon versus newcomer
sensation Willie Jones.
And they're out of the gate.
Willie looks like he's out of
the race.
No, no, no.
He's recovered.
Willie Jones having a lot of
trouble
on the top part of the course.
But miraculously, he's still
hanging in there.
He's backwards, he's forwards.
Sideways, and still on his feet,
and picking up speed.
[MOON SHOUTING]
Willie Jones is picking up some
added speed.
And into the S turns this is
anybody's race.
Willie is just getting faster
and faster.
And there goes Willie with a
beautiful Double Daffy.
they come around into the final
straightaway.
And it looks like it's going to
be Willie Jones.
And it is Willie Jones, who
beats Derek Half Pipe Moon.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
computer has done its job.
And here the match up for the
next rounds.
Looks like Spider Bolton will be
going up against Annie Meyers,
and then Willie Jones taking on
Jack Murphy.
May the best man win, or make
that woman.
We'll see you in two days.
Great shot, [INAUDIBLE].
All right, all right.
Come on, darling.
There we go.
OK, OK.
Willie, no, no.
We did with-- don't take.
We're on a budget.
Not too many, not too many.
Because you're doing a lot of
the same ones.
Hey, Mel.
[INAUDIBLE]
OK, Remy, Remy.
You got to come out.
With
[MEN SHOUT IN PROTEST]
MEL HORNER: She is.
We'll get a different suit.
I wouldn't let this stop.
[BOOING]
Ah, damn.
You know, I don't care how much
they're
paying us for these ads.
If I take one more sip of this
stuff, I'm going to die.
This shit kicking, man.
It gives me gas.
Me, too.
Oh, shut up Heidi.
Everything gives you gas.
Guy, just turn out of bubbles.
Let's relax, eh?
The air blow is broken.
Yeah, well mine ain't, thanks
to this Jock Piss.
[FARTING SOUND]
Oh.
You call those bubbles?
Where I come, we make champagne.
I show your bubbles.
[FARTING SOUND]
Go, go, go, go, go.
That is stinking.
When it comes to hot air, never
mess with a Frenchman.
Well, go big or go home man.
[FARTING SOUND]
Oh.
He shoots.
[FARTING SOUND]
He scores.
Welcome to the gardens.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
[FARTING SOUND]
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[FARTING SOUND]
Geez, don't anybody light a
match.
Allow me.
Oh, Mel.
No, si vous plait, no!
Uh oh.
[EXPLOSION]
Hey.
Hi.
- Looks like fun, huh? - Yeah.
I'd love to try it.
Well, slammin' bro.
What do you say we go for a log
sliding quarter piping,
ass kicking slam session?
Sure.
Maybe after that we could try
some snowboarding.
Come on.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WOMAN: I want to be your
darling.
Be the jewel in the crowd.
Now I'm standing five foot ten,
so I can always be up and down.
Because I've got this.
And I get you really far.
And I learn real fast, because I
know what you are.
I want to be your darling.
Leave that small town behind.
Build a reputation at the front
of the line.
Because I've got this asking,
get me really far.
And I learn real fast, and he
knows what you are.
And I bought this class, and
I'll sure go far.
And I got this past, and I'm
above the bar.
ANNIE MEYERS: I had fun today.
WILLIE JONES: Me, too.
Thanks for picking out my new
clothes for me.
You sure I didn't look dumb in
the other stuff?
No, no.
It's just, you know, you can't
wear the same thing every day.
Does that go for underwear,
too?
Well, I guess I'll see you
later.
Annie.
What about socks?
So, tell me, a big handsome
brute like you.
Do you ever get to Austria?
Is that near Vancouver?
Van who?
Hans!
GUY LEBEAU: No, I'm from Paris.
I'm from Sussex actually.
I just use the French accent
thing so I can shag more birds.
Works like a charm.
So, the rocks are coming up
quick.
I know I should traverse on my
toe.
But I'm still looking for the
gnarly extreme thing.
And then it happens.
I carve two feet from a rock on
my second ragdoll.
Yes, I'm humbled by the line.
Yes, I could have sketched.
But I'm Half Pipe.
So, you know what I do?
I turn to my bro Rad Man.
I say Rad Man, take the main
gully.
I side slip the death buddies,
and there goes the Radster,
hanging 10, hanging 20.
Being huge, catching the
ultimate air.
I am humble, truly.
Danny boy, excuse me for saying
this.
But you don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
I mean, ain't you this much of a
stoner
to watch your bros as gnarly
lines as catching air yourself?
Whoa.
Like, that's profound.
Yeah?
Don't get Freudian with me,
babe.
Cool.
How's dicking night?
Well, Dickie's doing a hell of
a lot better
now that you're here, darlin'.
Why don't we let Samantha take
Dickie for a little ride.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah!
[MEL MUMBLING]
Go ahead, ask her.
No, I've been striking out all
week.
Mel, You are a stud.
Women cannot resist the
corporate type.
I'm telling you.
Yeah, you're right.
I forgot.
I'm an executive. - There you
go.
That means I have confidence.
Women like people with
confidence,
but you gotta remember you have
confidence to use it.
Have confidence, I get receipts.
Excuse me, would you like to
dance?
Oh my god!
Sure.
I lead.
I was kidding.
I'm not.
Oh.
[SLAPPING AND SHOUTING]
Yeehaw!
Woo!
Don't spoil me, baby.
Come on!
[HORSE SOUND]
So how'd things go with Willie?
No problem.
Look at him.
SPIDER BOLTON: Are you sure?
Which guy you're talking about?
The one who's walking funny.
That's not Willie.
That's Murphy.
Murphy?
No, that's Willie.
Dick Willie.
Who's Dick Willie?
He is?
What are you talking, Dick
Willie?
Yesterday, you pointed at him
and said get that Dick Willie.
But I didn't call him Dick,
because that sounds too tough.
And Richard's too farmer, so
last night
I went over to him at the bar,
and I asked him how's Dickie?
And he answered doing fine now
that you're here.
You screwed up.
No, I screwed him.
Jeez, I was pointing at that
guy.
[CRASHING SOUND]
You screwed the wrong guy.
You got to fix it.
Hey.
Still works, a little.
If Willie wins, tonight you get
him.
You got it?
Uh huh.
Not Dickie, not Jonesy, not
Prickie.
Him, Willie.
You understand?
Uh huh.
Good.
I have an interview to do.
It's a living.
[GRUNTING]
I've got to pee real bad.
It's just nerves, kid.
I don't know if I can hold it.
Here's a little something I
learned on the tour.
What's this for?
You fill it up, kid.
Spider, no one denies you're
the undisputed favorite,
the greatest in the sport.
How do you do it?
Well, Dan, it's all about
integrity.
I try to use my head.
I live right, eat right, try to
respect my fellow competitors,
and just try to be the role
model I used
to look up to when I was a kid.
Now, what?
Tie it off and get rid of it.
SPIDER BOLTON: And my
inspiration, Dan,
well, that comes from up there.
[SPLASHING SOUND]
Spider Bolton, what a guy.
How'd it go, kid?
Good.
You don't look so good, Mr.
Murphy.
I'll be fine.
You know, I'm feeling kind of
dry myself.
Where'd you get that water?
From the water cooler.
From that thing?
Water comes out of that?
Huh.
Hold this for me will you, Mr.
Murphy?
Thanks.
Technology.
What will they think of next?
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the semi
final round
of the Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
Today, we'll see newcomer phenom
Willie
Jones take on the comeback story
of Jack Murphy.
[YAWN]
All right.
Good luck, kid.
You too, Mr. Murphy.
OFFICIAL: Racers ready?
Five four, three, two, one, go.
ANNOUNCER: They're off.
JACK MURPHY: Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: Murphy literally
attacking
the top of the course.
JACK MURPHY: Woo!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, a nightmare on
that jump.
And they're into the S turns.
JACK MURPHY: Yeah.
ANNOUNCER: This is anybody's
race.
They're matching each other move
for move.
Willie is looking good and
picking up speed on his way
down the track.
And oh, he has got some nice air
here.
Whoa!
ANNOUNCER: Approaching the final
jump of the course.
JACK MURPHY: Yeehaw!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, he is down.
Jack Murphy is down.
Yeah.
[CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: In the gate, the
favorite to take it all,
Spider Bolton.
OFFICIAL: Racers ready.
Five, four.
ANNOUNCER: We're down to the
last two skiers.
Annie Meyers appears ready.
They're off.
They're on the extreme part of
the course.
They're close, Meyers looking
very good.
But Spider looking up for
second.
Go, Annie!
[ANNIE YELLING]
SPIDER BOLTON: Is that all
you've got?
ANNOUNCER: And into the S turns.
This is anybody's race.
[ANNIE SHOUTING]
Little bit of pushing and
shoving.
[SKIERS JOSTLING]
[PUNCHING SOUND]
[ANNIE SHRIEKING]
Ouch.
Annie Meyers is down.
Hey, that was dirty!
SPIDER BOLTON: Yeah, yeah!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, he has got some
nice air here.
Here we go, down the final
straightaway.
Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: A really solid run
for Spider Bolton.
[CHEERING]
You cheated.
She fell.
I hit a groove.
She couldn't get out of the way.
No, Spider.
You did that on purpose.
Yeah, Willie?
And if I did, what are you going
to do about it?
I'm going to kick your ass.
Only this time for real.
Ow.
Piss ant.
Willie, what a kidder.
So, OK.
What are you going to do now,
Burns?
Thinking of taking up
synchronized swimming.
There's a lot of money in that,
you know?
What about you?
Foreign service, diplomatic
corps.
Howdy, darling.
Hi.
Hi.
Buy you a drink?
I-- I breast not have one.
I had enough boobs to fill a jug
or two.
You know just what to say to
turn a girl on, don't you?
Hi, Willie.
He's a little bit busy now,
honey.
Would you like me to order you
some chocolate milk?
You feel like joining me for
some dinner?
No, Willie.
I expect you to beat Spider
tomorrow.
[SLAPPING SOUND]
So, I'm ordering you up to your
room, and into bed.
OK?
Sounds good to me.
Me, too.
Can I have a good night kiss
too?
Good night, Willie.
Good night.
Goodbye.
Night.
Good night.
[KNOCKING]
Be right there.
You left something at the bar.
WILLIE JONES: What?
Me.
You know, I probably could have
beaten that turd Bolton,
but that Samantha chick really
wore me out.
You don't think it was possible?
Well, same thing happened
before my race,
I mean, that woman kept me up
all night.
And I do mean up.
So, wait a minute.
Both of you were hit on by that
silicone monster
before your races?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That means that spider was the
only male who made
it to the semis who wasn't.
Well, poor Spider.
So, let me see if I understand
this.
You want me to take my pajamas
off?
That is so silly.
I just put them on.
But it's getting worse in here.
I can turn up the air.
What for?
Well, I better get to sleep
now.
Good.
Cause it's time for mama to tuck
you in.
You're nice, you know that?
I'll be right back with a big
surprise.
You'd be a good boy and get mama
some ice.
Yes, mama.
[KNOCKING] HANS SAXER: Mama.
Mama.
Hey Billy, have you seen my
mama?
Mom?
Yeah, yeah.
Mama's in there.
Oh.
She must have switched rooms.
Mama?
Mama?
HANS SAXER: What is this, mama?
Oh, mama.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Mama, mama!
Oh, oh, mama.
You know, that sounds like
something Spider would do.
Yeah, me and the Crazy Canuck
here
are just the kind of butt heads
to fall for a scheme like that.
Willie's racing Spider
tomorrow,
and I just saw her follow him
out.
I guess he's in for the night
of his life, then.
[CHUCKLING]
Tough break out there today,
Annie.
Of course, you know it was an
accident.
What do you say we leave these
hooligans
and go get wet in the pool, huh?
Why wait for the pool?
[PUNCHING SOUND]
And that was no accident.
[WOMAN SCREAMING IN PLEASURE]
I know this is none of my
business, but I'm coming in.
[WOMAN SCREAMING] MRS. SAXER:
You lazy!
HANS SAXER: No, mama. No, mama.
No, mama.
Stop it, mama.
Please.
[HANS AND MOTHER SHOUTING]
MRS. SAXER: I want to kill her.
HANS SAXER: Please, mama.
Hi.
You want company?
Sure.
Hans is in my room getting beat
up by a couple of mothers.
I can't go in there.
Willie.
I-- I learned something from you
tonight.
What's that?
That all men aren't shallow,
hormonal, sexually driven,
penis-brained jerks.
Can I tell you a secret?
Sure what.
You were wrong.
Well, I better clear Hans out of
my room and get some sleep.
Good idea.
Willie.
Did I mention that I like the
shallow, hormonal, sexually
driven, penis-brain type?
Me, too!
[MURPHY MUMBLING]
JACK MURPHY: Shut up, or we're
going
to wake up the whole damn town.
[HUSHING SOUNDS]
All right, get in here.
The longest shot wins.
Oh, come on.
Don't-- this is a respectful
town.
You don't do this.
All right.
So we're all in for $10, right?
Yeah.
I'll go first.
I'm going to bust.
[SOUNDS OF URINATING]
That's decent, man.
But experience rules.
Viva France, leave my pants.
Well, watch out below.
Here I go.
Yeah.
[FARTING NOISE]
[MEN SCREAMING]
[BEAR LAUGHING]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to the championship round
of the world's most exciting ski
event,
the Jock Hop Kamikaze Run.
Thousands of fans are lining the
run
having been here since the crack
of dawn with only
one question on their mind.
Who is the world's best
all-around skier?
Spider Bolton or Willie Jones?
Hey, doofus.
Don't try to buddy up with me,
Spider.
Let me tell you something,
dickhead.
You're a poor excuse for a skier
and an even poorer
excuse for a human being.
What are you trying to say,
Spider?
You're a loser.
You're the lowest rung on the
food chain.
You're plankton, you're earwax.
Look, Spider.
You've got something to say, say
it?
You're a goddamn piece of brain
dump.
You throw like a girl and you
squat to pee.
Nobody's perfect.
You squat to pee?
OFFICIAL: Racers ready.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Go.
ANNOUNCER: And they're out of
the gate in the final race
of the Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
Stride for stride in the extreme
section.
The final section of the run is
marked
by three obstacles never seen
before in professional racing.
This Cyclone Snow Cone, the Ring
of Fire, and the Slush Cup.
At these speeds, with these
obstacles, any kind of fall
would be disastrous.
[SPIDER LAUGHING] - Hey, Spider!
SPIDER BOLTON: Come on, come on!
ANNOUNCER: Uh oh.
Looks like there's something
going
on between these two racers.
WILLIE JONES: Hey!
Play fair.
JAKE: Come on, come on.
Get around that guy!
WILLIE JONES: Oh, Spider.
Let me go.
ANNOUNCER: They still look good
as they struggle
through their first jump.
It's Willie in the lead through
the S turns,
but Spider isn't letting up for
a second.
WILLIE JONES: Spider!
ANNOUNCER: They're down but back
up.
And Spider is back on course.
See you, loser!
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
ANNOUNCER: Spider doesn't even
seem to be phased by his fall.
Willie Jones has disappeared
from sight, folks.
So it looks like Spider Bolton
may be our champion.
Wait a second. SPIDER BOLTON:
Shit!
ANNOUNCER: I don't know how he
did it,
but it looks like Willie Jones
is back on course, and actually
ahead of Spider Bolton.
Unbelievable!
Willie and Spider both take
jumps
for the compulsory aerial.
And they're into the mogul
section.
The sun has softened things up
quite a bit.
But that's not slowing down
these racers.
A helicopters for Willie at the
bottom, and a daffy for Spider.
They're heading down toward the
Cyclone Snow Cone.
It's going to be close, but it
looks
like Willie is off the side of
the Snow Cone and airborne.
It actually looked like he
jumped the first part
of the Cone, and he's landed
back in the track,
still going strong.
SPIDER BOLTON: Come on!
ANNOUNCER: What an amazing
sight, as the racers
make a death-defying leap
through the Ring Of Fire.
They're off the final jump.
Oh, into the Slush Cup neck and
neck.
This is close.
[SKIERS GRUNTING]
[MEN GROANING]
They are down.
Both Spider and Willie have
fallen
just feet from the finish.
SPIDER BOLTON: Come here!
Get back!
ANNOUNCER: This is anybody's
race!
Come on.
All right!
ANNOUNCER: They're running neck
and neck to the finish line.
It's Willie.
It's Spider!
It's-- it's-- Willie Jones!
[CHEERING]
Yes, yes!
You did it, Willie!
You did it.
ANNOUNCER: The winner of this
year's Jock Pop Kamikaze Run.
Willie Jones, who's won the
$500,000 Jock Pop Kamikaze Run!
[CROWD CHANTING "WILLIE"]
Shit!
[CROWD CHANTING "WILLIE"]
Willie!
Yeah!
Mama.
Ah!
Road trip.
You're kidding?
I baked cookies.
Chocolate chip.
With macadamia nuts.
Oh, I'm in hog heaven.
Patch out, Road Miester.
Yeehaw!
[ENGINE REVVING]
Stop this!
Mama, I won't be back.
What?
You won't be back?
Hans.
I'll let you wear your shirt.
Hans!
I'll cook for you.
Hans?
Wait a minute, I'm a manager.
Do you need representation?
Oh.
You again!
[PUNCHING SOUND]
[MEN YELLING]
[PUNCHING SOUNDS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: (SINGING) Two cool skiers
sitting side by side.
Wrapping a tub, going to open
wide.
They know what it takes if
they're going to win.
They'll be cutting the ice, and
digging in.
Speed bumping and cutting the
fool.
Cool running and starting to
move.
Let's go Willie, go Willie,
straight to the top.
Kamikaze Run.
Let's go Willie, go willie, just
can't stop.
Kamikaze Run.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Go, Willie!