Down to Earth (2001) - full transcript

It seems everyone is trying to get into heaven; at least those whose time is up. For Lance Barton (Chris Rock), a struggling comedian and bicycle messenger, it's the last thing on his mind. His due date in heaven is fifty years away. In the meantime, he has big dreams to pursue on Earth, such as landing a slot at the final Amateur Night Contest at the famed Apollo Theatre. Lance's has one little problem though - he isn't that funny. Thanks to an overly cautious emissary from heaven, Mr. Keyes (Eugene Levy), he's going to get hit (literally) with a much bigger problem. Showing that even God has difficulty finding good help these days, the inept minion mistakenly plucks Lance from a traffic accident - before it takes place. Transporting him to the Pearly Gates, or more accurately, the velvet roped-lines of the hottest club around, the error is finally addressed by Mr. King (Chazz Palminteri), the streetwise, no-nonsense head angel who manages the place from his plush windowed office. Since returning to his own body on Earth is impossible, the urban dwelling Lance reluctantly agrees to a normally unthinkable proposal. He'll occupy the body of a wealthy old white mogul, Charles Wellington III (Brian Rhodes), until a more suitable body can be found. Strangely enough, in a Park Avenue penthouse, servants and butlers become his new homeys as Lance works on his streetwise comedy routine for the big Apollo showdown. Living in the body of a callous old white man would be bizarre enough for Lance without falling in love with Sontee Jenkins (Regina King), the beautiful woman publicly battling Wellington's company at the same time. And if that wasn't enough, he has to deal with the love affair between Wellington's wife and his personal assistant, and their plot to have him killed.


- Everything
- Everything

- Is everything
- Is everything

What is meant to be will be


- After winter
- After winter

- Must come spring
- Must come spring

Change, it comes eventually

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- Hey there, little Becky. Hey, Tiger.
- Hi, Jimmy.

Hi, Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross.
How are you ?

- Deliveries in the back.
- Excuse me ?

You heard me.
Deliveries in the back.

Why do you think
I'm a messenger ?

No, no, no, really.
Why do you just...

assume I'm a messenger ?

Is it impossible for me to have
a friend that lives here ?

Would that be
out of the question ?

To have an old college chum
that lives upstairs...

that I'm comin' by to see
just to talk about old times ?

To have a little cocoa ?
Would that upset you ?

What's wrong ?
I can't have no cocoa ?

I don't look like
I like cocoa ?

What's wrong with me just comin' here
tryin' to have some cocoa ?

I'm sorry, sir. I just-- I--
Who did you come here to see ?

Nobody. Delivery
for Charles Wellington.

Deliveries in the back.

Let me tell you that
everything is everything

- Look out ! Look out !
- What's up, man ?

Everything is everything

Welcome to Amateur Night at the Apollo.

- Y'all ready for a show ?

There's no way we're
part of the same place

- We're part of the same time

- We both have the same blood

We both have the same mind

And time and time

- We've had so much to share

No, no, no, no

I'm not wakin' up
tomorrow mornin'

- And findin' there's nobody there

No, no, no, no way

No, no, no, no way

And you and you and you

You're gonna love me

Oh, yes, you are

Thank you.

Peace. I'm outta here.

Let's hear it, Apollo, for Phil Quon.

- Congratulations, you killed.
- Thanks, Booey.

Phil Quon. Show your love.

- They're not gonna boo me off, right ?
- Did I say that ?

- I mean, anything could happen.
- Yeah, anything could happen,

like they invent a new boo
that's silent.

What ? Huh ? What ?
What are you looking at ?

This girl I met at the Shark Bar
last night. I told her to come down.

Damn, she's skinny. Until y'all
have sex, she just might start a fire.

Our next act is a comedian.
How about a hand for Mr. Lance Barton ?

- What is that ? What's with the hat ?
- You don't like the hat ?

You look like you're gonna tie somebody
to the railroad tracks.

I need style. Nobody wants to see Lance
Barton, bike messenger from Bed-Stuy.

People want to see
Lance Barton, comedian.

- What people ?
- Lance Barton people.

Lance Barton, everybody.
Come on.

- No boos.
- No boos.

- Here comes Booey.
- Let's get ready.

Lance Barton, everybody.

Don't touch me, man.

Hey, what's up, Apollo ?

Where'd you get that hat, man ?

- Yeah. Yeah, all right. So, uh--

How come every time...

a airplane crash,

all they can ever find
is the black box ?

Why don't they just make
the whole plane out of the black box ?

Yeah. I got roaches.
Who here got roaches ?

Everybody got roaches, man.
It's Harlem.

Yeah. Yeah,
everybody got roaches.

Yeah, man. I got some roaches
in my house, man.

Roaches so big, one roach
got drafted in the second round.

Get your ass offstage, Booey.
That shit ain't funny.

- Yeah.

- Hey, you suck!

- Come on. Hold it together.

I know this girl so ugly,
she had to wear makeup on the radio.

Boo !

All by myself

Don't wanna be

- All by myself
- No !

- Ow ! Ow ! Hey !
- Anymore

All by myself

You out there with a new hat.
You need a new act.

Well, if I'm so unfunny,
how come you're still my manager ?

Lance, you're funny... offstage.

- But onstage, you're, um--
- I'm what ?

You're afraid. See, you're afraid
of being yourself, and they can tell.

Hey, kid, don't listen
to the crowd.

You're one funny man.
Phil Quon says so.

- Thanks a lot.
- Two more Rheingolds for my man Booey.

You'd be afraid if every time you played
the Apollo they booed you off the stage.

Well, you don't have to worry about that
anymore. They shuttin' down the Apollo.

- Get out of here.
- Yeah, they just told me.

They're building a multiplex
or quadri plex or some kind of plex.

And they're gonna do a farewell show
with five slots for amateurs.

- That's it.
- You got to get me one of those slots.

Lance, come on, man.
Just let it go. Try someplace else.

I don't wanna
try someplace else.

As long as I'm Booey at the Apollo,
I'm Booey everywhere.

- Where you goin' ?
- I'm goin' to the Comic Strip...

to work on my material.

Get me that audition, Whitney.

Later, Booey.

Okay, Lance, where are you ?

Right on time.

I gotta work on
my set. I gotta get my jokes together.

I gotta go back to the Apollo and not
get booed. I gotta work on my act.

Oh, my God!

Oh, I hate this job.

- Anybody get that license number ?

- Where the hell am I ?
- We've been waiting an eternity here.

- What ?

- This ain't the Comic Strip.
- Take it easy, people.

You'll be dead a long time.
You don't have to push.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

- Bob Krantz, heart attack.
- Yeah.

Sid and Ethel Bugler.
Our tour bus crashed.

- Yep.
- Uh, I'm Gina Lovett.

- Mike said he'd put me on the list.
- Yep.

- All right. Go ahead.
- Thanks.

Tell Mike to stop
putting girls on the list.

Lance ! Lance Barton !

- What is this place ?
- This is heaven.

Ah, heaven.
I've had this dream before.

Is Pac in there ?
Yo, tell Pac I'm here.

Hey, hey. I said no.
Go to hell.

Mr. Barton ?

- Where are you going ?
- I gotta wake up. I got an audition.

- Let me explain. You're not dreaming.
- I gotta get to the Comic Strip.

- Do you know where the "A" train is ?
- Mr. Barton ?

- Mr. Barton, here's the thing--
- Keyes, what's the problem ?

Oh, Mr. King. No problem, sir.

I have everything under control.

Mr. Barton here was, uh,
having a great time.

No, actually,
I'm trying to wake myself up.

I hate to break it to you, chum,

You're dead. Capisce ?

- I'm not dead.
- Lance, come here.

What you're feeling right now
is totally normal.

For most people, dying is
a real shock to the system.

But, baby, it's gonna get better.

- It's heaven, baby. The food is great,

the women are beautiful,

and the music, Lance--
the music is hot.

Yes, sir, the fun never stops.

That's great, but I'm not dead.

Look, I got an audition coming up
that I know I'm gonna make.

So you guys can just fix whatever
mistake you made and get me home.

- Serge.

Could you check the list and see
when Mr. Barton is arriving ?

Barton, Barton,
Barton, Barton. Ah.

Due November 1 7, 2044,

Eastern Standard Time.

2044 ?

You could've just given me the year.
Leave a brother a little doubt.

I took him one-tenth of a second before
the truck hit. He couldn't have made it.

What am I gonna do with you ?

First, you make Frank Sinatra
wait for a table.

He didn't have a jacket.

He's Frank Sinatra !
He can wear whatever he wants !

- You killed me ! You killed me !
- Hey ! Hey !

- You killed me ! You killed me !
- Hey ! Hey ! Come on.

Now, Mr. King has been
in charge up here for quite some time.

I don't think there's anything
he can't handle.

- You guys can fix this, right ?
- Lance, look,

I pride myself
on being a straight shooter.

For guys that lived a bad life,
I don't mince words.

I tell them to go to hell, literally.

You, on the other hand,
I like you.

You're what you call--
You're very, um--

You're very, um--
what's the word-- very, um--

- Funny ?
- No. You're spunky.

- Spunky ? What the--
- Spunky.

So here's the story.
Your body's gone.

Adios, sayonara, comprende ?

- But I spoke to my boss.
- You talked to God ?

Yeah. What we can do for you
is put you in somebody else's body,

as long as no one knows
he's dead yet, okay ?

Wait a minute. How am I supposed
to do my act in somebody else's body ?

Lance, this is all part
of some, like, grand plan.

- Really ?
- Yeah, sure.

Anyway, come on.
Let's go find you a body.

- This one's kind of like a fixer-upper.
- I don't think so.

How about this one ?
He's physically fit.

- He's got nice pecs.
- Big's not funny.

Nobody wants to laugh at a guy
who could whip their ass.

- Hey, it's your call.
- Hey, Joey.

- Hello.
- Hey, Joey, help me. I can't--

He's perfect.

Picky, picky.
Really picky.

Man ! Who lives here ?

Charles Wellington,
the 1 5th richest man in America.

He owns sporting teams,
cable companies,

health insurance companies,
you name it.

Just finished building this high-tech
penthouse controlled by supercomputers.

If I don't like the body,
can I keep the crib ?

Wait a-- How'd you do that ?

I'm a friggin' angel.
I can do whatever I want.

- What is it ?

Cocktails, madame.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Thank you, Wanda.

It's my pleasure,
Mrs. Wellington.

- Is that the guy ?
- No.

That's Winston Sklar,
Wellington's private secretary.

They're waiting for Wellington's body
to be discovered.

- What are you talking about ? What ?
- They're trying to kill him.

- We gotta do something !
- Thank you, Wanda.

"Thank you, Wanda."

Who the hell she think she is ?
You frigid, stuck-up bitch.

If you really want to thank me,
get that cheap-ass husband of yours...

to pay me a decent wage.

One more face-lift, that
bitch gonna be fartin' out her nose.

Why haven't they found him yet ?

I'm a murderer. I'm a dirty murderer.
I should be punished.

Punish me.

Oh, I'll punish you.

- Lance.

Call the cops.
Call the cops. Call the cops.

I was on vacation
and that Wellington...

flew me in
from North Carolina...

- Call the police. Call the cops.
- to change the channel on the TV.

- Call the cops. 9-1 -1 . 9-1 -1 .

- You're damn right I was mad !
- Mamacita, nueve,

- I had tickets to go see the O'Jays.
- uno, uno.

Nueve, uno, uno.

- Where's the phone ? Where's the phone ?

No can do, Lance. The phone company
doesn't provide service to dead people.

You wanna make a call,
get a body.

Well, find me another body. I don't
want anything to do with these freaks.

I am here to see Mr. Wellington,
and I'm not leaving until I see him.

-Allow me to speak to Mr. Wellington.
- Yes, you let him know I'm here.

- Mr. Sklar, sir ?
- Yeah, Cisco ?

It's, uh, Miss Jenkins again, sir.
She insists on seeing Mr. Wellington.

I'm sorry to bust in like this.
Well, actually I'm not.

That's her.
That's the girl.

Hey, remember me ?

On the bike.
Run over ?

No, that's allright, Miss Jenkins.

So, what can we do for you ?

Well, I just wanted to say
that I think you should be arrested.

Holy crap.

What you're planning to do to the
Brooklyn Community Hospital is criminal.

Oh, so you mean that--

You throw those words around like that.
"Arrested." It kind of hit me.

- That really-- Ooh !

I don't think there's
anything funny about this.

I work at the Brooklyn
Community Hospital.

It's the only public
health facility in the area,

and your company just bought it.

I know that hospital.
My uncle went there for a new liver.

They sent his ass
to the supermarket.

If this hospital goes private,
the people who depend on us...

won't have any place to turn.

That's awful. I think
you should take that up...

with Mr. Wellington
at his business office.

I've tried that.
I've been there at least 20 times.

I've made 200phone calls,
and Mr. Wellington seems to never be in,

so I decided to visit him
at his home.

He's unavailable,
I guarantee you.

If he's unavailable now, I'll just
wait here until he is available.

- I'm afraid you can't.
- Yes, I can.

Would you like to call the police
and have me arrested?

- I'm sure the press'll be interested.
- No, no, no. Let's don't.

- Let's don't even--
- I thought so.

Hey, King, if I take
this Wellington guy's body,

could I help her out ?

- You got the hots for her.
- You tryin' to sell me a body, right ?

- Well, let's see it.
- Okay.

Would you stop it ?

This ain't Star Trek.
I'm used to walking.

Lance Barton,
Charles Wellington.

Mr. Wellington,
please, don't get up.

Damn, he's dead !

Yep. Nice bathtub.

So if I take his body,
I'm gonna look like that, right ?

I can't go to the Apollo
in that body.

- How can I get laughs lookin' like him?
- He looks funny to me.

I already get booed. Do I really need
to get beat down on top of it ?

You want to meet the girl,
you gotta take the body.

Any moment someone'll discover it,
and it'll be too late.

Does it have to be for good ?

Could I just be him while you
find me a better body ?

- You mean, take the body on loan ?
- Mm-hmm.

Normally, I have
a problem with that,

but since we, uh, screwed up,

- it's a deal.

Mr. Wellington, there's
a Miss Sontee Jenkins here to see you.

Still bathing, are we ?

We don't want our fingers
to go all pruney.

Hey, it worked !

What ? You weren't sure
it would work ?

Relax, I read the manual.

Hey, I still look like me.

You are you.

I thought you said
I was Wellington.

- You are Wellington.
- Well, thanks for clearin' that up.

Look, Lance,
to everyone else...

you look like Wellington,
you sound like Wellington,

you even smell like Wellington.

But you see yourself.

Simple, huh ?

- Mr. Wellington, everything allright ?

Go ahead. You can answer him.
Go ahead.

- Everything's cool.
- Not too cool, I hope.

No, everything is all right.

Now, they're gonna see Wellington,
not some brother in his clothes.

'Cause I don't feel
like gettin' shot today.

- You'll be all right.
- All right.

So, you the butler ?

Yes, sir.
Uh, me-- me the butler.

So you do all the butlerin'
around here.

Yes, indeed, sir.

Whose butler are you ?

Your butler, sir.

You're my butler.

Don't cheat on me, now.

If I see you butlerin' for
somebody else, I'm gonna kill him.

And who am I ?

You-- You, sir ?

You Mr. Wellington ?

- Who am I ?
- Mr. Wellington.

You're damn right I'm Wellington.
Yes ! I got a body !

I got a body !
I got a body !

You certainly have.
Would you care to get dressed now, sir ?

Go ahead, Lance,
take that corpse for a spin.

So where does he keep--
Where do I keep my clothes ?

In the closet, sir.

I'm goin' to the closet.
I got a body !

I got a body !
Let's go to the closet !

Let's do this !
Peace out !

Yeah, I'm Wellington !

I'm Wellington

- I'm Wellington

Yeah. You better recognize.

I know who you are,
you cheap bastard.

Tiger Woods, y'all.
Tiger Woods, y'all.

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger,
Tiger, Tiger Woods, y'all.

Hey, Tiger Woods, y'all.

- Hi, darling.
- I'll deal with you two later.

How ya doin' ?
I'm Charles Wellington,

the 1 5th richest man in America.

- I know who you are.

Would you guys
give us some privacy ?

Yeah. Yeah.

That looks uncomfortable.
Could I help you out ?

No, I don't need your help.
You have been avoiding me for weeks,

and you're gonna listen to
exactly what I have to say.

-Me ?
-I am talking about people's lives here.

Sick people, poor people. The kind
of people you care nothing about.

Sick people, poor people. The kind
of people you care nothing about.

These people are going to be
in desperate trouble...

ifyou sell them out from the only place
they can go when they need help.

See you later, Lance. I'll get Keyes
workin' on a new body. Good luck.

- Hey, but--
- But nothing !

Do you know that we are the only county
hospital in that part of Brooklyn ?

And you chose there
of all places...

to privatize and kick sick, broke
people out on their behinds.

- What kind of man are you ?
- It sounds like I'm an asshole.

- You think this is a joke ?
- No, I do not think this is a joke.

This is a joke.
A prostitute and a card dealer go--

- Forget it.
- You know what ?

I know all about your board
of directors meeting on Monday.

Really ?

- The one that's closed to the public.
- I'm glad you told me.

Now I gotta get a haircut
and maybe buy some Gators.

You better get real serious by then,
'cause I'm gonna be there.

And I'm gonna bring
every television camera,

every news reporter,
every microphone I can find.

Fine. We'll make a party of it. I bring
some friends, you bring some friends.

We'll get some chips
and dip, a deejay.

And we-- You know,
we get on this hospital thing.

This meeting is over,
Mr. Wellington. Good-bye.

Hey, I'm serious. I'm--
I'm not jokin'. I'm-- I'm-- I--

Is something wrong ?

I lost the keys
to the handcuffs.

Didn't your mama tell you
to carry an extra handcuff key ?

Okay, okay. You know what ?
I'm just playin' with you.

I'm gonna look for the key.
It's not up there.

It's not there.

Uh, there it is.
Nope. Roach.

There you go. Got it.

You know what I got
right here ?

I got your freedom.

I'm just playin'.
Let me get it.

Don't worry. Gotcha.

See ? Everything's all right.

Um, thankyou,


I was just playin'.

I don't know what happened. I put the
pills in his drink. I saw him drink it.

I'll tell you what happened.
Ya blew it !

You ruined us ! You-- You idiot !
You incompetent moron !

- You bitch.
- You retard.

- Rich bitch.
- Oh, yeah.

You fat, old bitch.

Now we're talkin'.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, yeah.

- Honey, I'm home.

You want to put a little,
uh, English right on the top--

I just want to say that
I know y'all tried to kill me.

Darling, that's ridiculous.

From what I hear,
I'm kind of an asshole.

So I figure we're even.

I was an asshole,
y'all tried to kill me.

- Don't know what you're talkin' about.
- Come on.

I know you tried to kill me.

So, let's just move on.

I mean, we're adults.
So what ? You tried to kill me.

But we're never gonna have
A good relationship till you admit it.

Okay, we tried to kill you.

Gotcha ! Police !
Police, here they are !

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Just playin'.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.

But I do need a favor. Do you know how
To get in touch with Sontee Jenkins ?

Uh, no, but we can find out.

Should I call
our usual problem solvers ?

Maybe if they pay a little visit
to her home, she'll change her tune.

Does she have a dog ? We could
get her a dog. We could kill it.

Look, I don't have a problem with
Sontee Jenkins. I want to ask her out.

- Oh.
- Oh,

- Oh.
- Charles !

Don't "oh, Charles" me. You were gettin'
ready to have sex on the pool table.

You've got an eight ball
in your ass.

Now, there's where you're wrong.

We were just, um-- This isn't level,
and we were trying to--

Do me a favor. Keep waxin' that ass.
Keep her off mine.

Waxing it ?
What does that mean ?

Mmm ?

How do you get this thing
to change channels ?

How do you get MTV ?


- Showtime.

- Playboy.

Hey !

- BET.
- Not available.

Not available.

Descending to staff level.

Let me tell you,
baking soda'll get that right out.

Does any TV in this house get BET ?

BET, Mr. Wellington ?

You know, BET--
Black Entertainment Television.

No, I know what BET is.

You wanna watch BET ?


Do you guys mind if I went
and watched some TV ?

Not at all, Mr. Wellington.

This is your house. Enjoy.

Thanks a lot.
Take care.

Thank you, Mr. Wellington,
you jungle fever havin' bastard.

What, it's not enough he bosses
my ass around upstairs ?

Now he got to come down here
and watch my little TV.

I tell you what, if he asks me
to change the channel,

I'm gonna cut his ass.

Uh, Wanda ?

Yes, Mr. Wellington ?

You don't like me, do you ?

Oh, no,
I like you just fine, sir.

She can't stand your ass.
You should hear her all the time.

"l hate Wellington.
Boy, I hope he drops dead.

- Mm-hmm.
- "Wellington stupido.

-Wellington cheapo. Wellington assholo."
-Mmm ?

Sir, it's just disrespectful.

I understand, really.
If I was you, I would hate me too.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.
Startin' next week,

both of you get a 200%% raise.

Are you happy ?

I'm ecstatic.

Good. Take care.

I'll believe that bullshit
when I see my check.

Here we go now. Come on, baby.

Aw, for Christ's sake. You gotta
hit that. It's a wide-open three.

- Come in.

Mr. Wellington, sir.

Anything I can do for you ?
I didn't hear the bell.

Is there anybody else in here ?

I don't believe so, sir, no.

You're not from England, are you ?

Uh, of course I am, sir.
I'm from-- from London.

I was born in Fulham, sir.
A stone's throw from the river Thames.

My father was a gentleman's gentleman,
and I am a gentleman's gentleman.

I was right outside the door.
I heard you.

I know what you do.
You put on this fake accent...

just to make the rich folks
feel comfortable.

Pretty good scam.
So where are you really from ?

I'm from Scarsdale.
Aw, crap. Am I fired ?

Certainly, sir.
Would you like me to change the channel?

Drop the accent.
"Would you like me to change the--"

Just be yourself.

Okay, uh, do you-- Do you want a beer ?

You know what ? Let me get it.
You worked all day.

You got any Rheingolds ?

Okay, and the excitement is building
as the second amateur spot...

for the final Apollo show
has been awarded to comedian Joe Guy.

Now stay tuned
For the Brian McKnight-a-thon.

- Where you goin', uh, sir ?
- I gotta go work on my material.

- Where's the nearest subway ?
- You wanna take the car ?

- What's up, Snoop ?

With so much drama
in the L-B-C

It's kinda hard
bein' Snoop D-O-double-G, but I

Keep comin' up with funky-ass
shit like every single day

- Rollin' down the street
- What's up, museum ?

Sippin' on gin and juice
Laid back

With my mind on my money
and my money on my mind

- Rollin' down the street
- Hello. Yeah !

- Sippin' on gin and juice
- Here it comes !

With my mind on my money
and my money on my mind

- Rollin' down the street
- Put up your "W."

Sippin' on gin and juice

With my mind on my money
And my money on my mind

Now that I got me
Some Seagram's gin

Everybody got they cups
but they ain't chipped in

Now, this types of shit
Happens all the time

You've gotta get yours
But, fool, I gotta get mine

Everything is fine
When you're listenin' to the D-O-G

I got the cultivatin' music
that be captivatin' he who listens

Are you ready for more comedy ?

Our next act--you've seen him on TV.
You've read about him in the paper.

He just won a spot on
the last night of the Apollo.

Give it up for Joe Guy !

What's up, brother ? Whoo !

Look at this place.
It lookin' fine, boy !

Got some fine-lookin' sisters
in the h-h-house. Except for you, girl.

You sure this is such a great idea ?

- This place does seem a little--

- A little what ?

It's a little dark in here.


These are my people.

And there is no more America.
There's no more little towns.

No, no, no.
You know what all it is ?

The whole country is malls.

And every town's got two malls.
Every town's got two malls.

That's right.
They got the white mall...

and the mall white people
used to go to.

That's right. 'Cause there
ain't nothin' in the black mall.

They don't got nothin' in the black mall
but sneakers and baby clothes.

I guess that's all we doin'--
runnin' and screwin'.

And white people will abandon a mall.
That's right.

White people like their black
the same way they like their seasoning--

just a dash.

You go to a white mall,
it's all nice.

Everything. The stores are all nice.
You got personal shoppers.

You go to a black mall and people say,
"Can I help you with the cheap shit ?"

White people get some money,
keep it. Stay rich.

Kids get rich.
Black people get some money,

it's the countdown to
"When this brother gonna go broke ?"

- That's right.

White people die and leave a will.
Brother die and leave a bill.

I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine.

Hi, it's Sontee.

Leave me a message.
I'll call you back.

Hey, Sontee.
Charles Wellington here.

The bastard.
Remember me ? Anyway,

it was cool havin' you
break into my house the other day,

and I was just wonderin' if we can
get together and get somethin' to eat.

You know, catch a movie or somethin'.

Hey, Sontee. Charles Wellington here.

Hope you like the flowers.

Allright. Give me a call.

- Hey, Sontee. Charles Wellington again.

You haven't called me.
I was just wonderin'...

if we can get together and catch
a movie, maybe a play, somethin'.

Are you there ?

Are you screening this call ?

Okay, I guess you're not there.

Hey, Sontee.

Charles Wellington.
Are you there ?

- I know you're there !

Pick up the phone !
I know you're there !

Hey, just playin'.
Just playin'.

All right.
Give me a call, okay ?

Good mornin'. Did you know
your answering machine is broken ?

No, it's not broken,
but it is full.

- What are you doin' here ?
- I was just in the neighborhood.

Oh, you were in Brooklyn.

What were you doin',
shuttin' down some old folks home ?

Don't be so mean.
I thought maybe we could...

get in the Rolls
and go by the Four Seasons,

have a little brunch,
discuss this whole hospital thing.

Oh, so you're trying to impress me
with the car and the money.

You think I'm some video ho ?

Look, I really don't care
what you have, okay ?

Ifyou want to impress me,
do it at the board meeting on Monday.

I thought maybe we could
spend some time together.

Why don't you spend a little time and do
something positive with your money ?

That was brutal.

You got a nice touch
with the ladies.

I can't get a girl in this body,
and I definitely can't get any laughs.

- Have you found me anything yet ?
- I'm workin' on it.

I was just in Havana.
You want one ?

No, I don't want one. What I want
from you is a body that works.

I want a body,
and I want it now !

What, are you gettin' tough with me ?
I'm a friggin' angel.

You don't want to be in heaven,
you don't like it here.

- There is a third option, you know.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I just need a body.

You know what ? There's a big
rap concert in the Bronx tonight.

Somebody's gonna die.

Hey, don't forget about me.

Go to the rap concert.

- It's over between you and me.

- I can't do this anymore.
- Let's just get out of here.

We could take the plane. We could
go someplace he'll never find us.

Chechnya, East Timor.
It'll be fun.

No, I can't.

I mean, after all,
he is my husband,

and I love him.

And I'm gonna do whatever
I can to get him back.

That's sweet, Winston,

but it's too late.

We cannot allow Wellco to take over!

I just think
this is an extremely bad time...

to be making
a personal appearance.

I've been lookin' into
this hospital thing,

and I think
Sontee Jenkins had a point--

Let's just handle this
the usual way, okay ?

You do the strong, silent thing.
I'll field all the questions.

I'm the velvet glove. You're
the iron fist. I won't let you down.

- We can't have that.
- No !

There's one man that's responsible
for all this-- Charles Wellington.

- You're a bad man !

Get outta here !

Leave our hospital alone !

- Scumbag !
- White oppressor !

Mr. Wellington, now that you own
Brooklyn Community Hospital,

are you gonna be sending those
without health insurance...

to public facilities
outside their own community ?

- Yeah, asshole !
- Mr. Wellington doesn't have time...

to answer any questions
right now.

Let me address that.
I don't care what you got.

Cancer, rickets, polio,
swine flu, the clap, dandruff--

- What else you got ?
- Lyme disease.

Lyme disease, lemon disease.
It don't matter. We'll take you.

- Liar!

- Won't take you.
- Mr. Wellington, is the--

- Thank you. Thank you all.

Well, here they are,
Mr. Wellington,

the faces that you were
too much of a coward to confront.

So what do you
have to say to them ?

Hey, what's up, Wheelie ?

Crutchie Crutch,
how you doin', man ?

Hey, Big I.V. Save me a sip.
I want a sip, now.

I know what's wrong with you.

Your breath is destroying
the environment.

Why don't you tell them that
you don't care about them ?

While you're at it, how come you locked
the staff and press out of this meeting?

You know what ?
I must've been out of my mind.

Was I takin' ecstasy that day ?

We goin' in there.
Sklar, grab a stretcher.

- We're goin' in. Everybody.
- Allright!

Ifyou can walk, let's walk.

Ifyou can't walk,
it's time to roll.

Ifyou got crutches,
then crutch your ass in there.

We are goin' in.
Come on, Big I.V. Let's do this.

- Whoo. Sorry, brother.

Can we get some more juice
For Big I.V. ?

Hey, guys, I brought us
some friends from the media.

So if anybody is not where
they're supposed to be...

or with somebody they're
not supposed to be with...

or got a little crust in their eyes,
you might want to get up right now.

You can't bring news cameras
into the boardroom.

Hey, relax.
We got nothing to hide.

If there's not enough seats,
you can just sit on somebody's lap,

unless the person next to you
don't got a lap.

So, what's up ?

Mr. Wellington,
At your hospital in Kentucky,

a teenager with a bullet wound to
his head was sent to another hospital...

15miles away, dying en route.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hospitals don't kill people.

- People kill people.
- What kind of cold-ass shit is that ?

We can't be sendin' people out
with bullet wounds to their head.

That's somethin' you definitely
have to take serious.

From now on,
we got a new slogan.

"Shot in the head,
you get a bed." Okay ?

"If your head is bloody,

I want bullet wounds in this place
to be treated like cash--

accepted everywhere.

But not without
adequate insurance.

"Not without adequate insurance."

Is insurance really adequate ?

When you pay for insurance,
do you feel assured ?

They shouldn't even
Call it insurance.

They should just call it
"in case shit."

I give a company some money
in case shit happens.

Now, if shit don't happen,
shouldn't I get my money back ?

- Wouldn't that be fair ?

If I had known y'all was gonna keep the
money, I would've got in an accident.

And if you're gonna
take my money,

at least spend the money
on some poor, sick people.

Don't take my money
and buy a Mercedes-Benz...

and park it in front
of Brooklyn Hospital...

with all these broke people
gotta walk by it.

I just got off the B-44 bus, and I
got to look at your Mercedes-Benz ?

- I should just stab the tire !

And why do doctors cost so much ?

Do you know ?
Shut the hell up !

It's like doctors chargin' all
this money for a triple bypass surgery.

Triple bypass surgery
gonna charge somebody $100,000...

and then got the nerve to say,
"Take it easy."

Shit, I gotta go get a job right now
drivin' another cab or somethin'...

just to pay off
the damn doctor !

From now on,
we have to be different.

Let's see how it feels to not be
the evil corporation anymore.

Let's try takin' in people bleedin'
with bullet wounds to the head.

Let's just try it for a change.

I mean, we tried the other way.
We made a lot of money.

We got paid. We got laid.

And so what if we lose
a few million dollars ?

Now, a lot of y'all
Look pretty pissed off.

Look like y'all
want to get froggy.

- Well, come on !

What you gonna do ? Uh-uh.

You see this foot ?
You see this foot ?

It's from a little town called "Rich
Man's Ass," and it's gettin' homesick.

You guys have been great.
You've been a lovely audience.

I want to thank y'all
for showin' up.

Drive home safely.
Tip your waitresses.

- I gots to go. Take care.

- Thanks a lot. Thank you.
- Mr. Wellington ?

Pardon me. Nice shirt.

Hey, Chuck.

Look, l-l-l feel like
I haven't been tending to your needs,

but I wanna
make it up to you.

I know your biggest fantasy has
always been a menage a trois.

And you've always had a thing
For Blanche from the club.

Hi, Chuck.

How'd you like to come over here
and taste me ?

Oh, sir, the, uh,
Handcuff lady's here.

Sontee ?

Mr. Wellington.

Descending from second floor.

You know what ?
Just call me Lance.

I thought your name was Charles.

Yeah, but Charles
is short for Lance.

Charles is a maiden name.

Okay, Lance.

Uh, I just came to say I'm sorry.

I know I said a lot of bad things
about you, but you kept brushing me off.

Ifyou meant all those things you said
at the board meeting-- It was so great.

Are you hungry ? I'm sorry
To jump in, but are you hungry ?

You gotta be hungry.
You've been workin' all day.

I know you were out there marchin',
and you got your picket sign,

and AI Sharpton's there,
and he ate all the food.

- You wanna get somethin' to eat ?
- Uh, no.

- I don't think I should.
- Come on.

I'm not tryin' to impress you.

I swear, I am not
tryin' to impress you.

I-l just want to feed you.

That's all.
We don't even have to drive.

We can walk. We can skip.
You wanna skip to a meal ?

I guess I am hungry.

Come on. Let's go.

What's the matter?
You don't like this place ?

- No, I am just surprised.
- What ?

- I didn't always have money.
- Yeah, right.

You know how you visit
people in the hospital ?

I used to go to store windows
and visit clothes I had on layaway.

"Used to" ? I was just visitin'
a pair of shoes last week.

I remember this one time, I put a coat
on layaway in, I don't know, September.

I figured I'd get it out
in the winter.

Money got low. Couldn't get
the damn thing out till June.

So what'd you do ?
Wait till next winter to wear it ?

For a coat I just paid for ? Please.
I wore that coat the whole summer.

July 4th, I was on the beach
with a goose down and a pair of shorts.

- Stop playin'.
- I'm not playin'.

Sweatin'. Just drown--
Just drippin' sweat. Slippin'.

To this day, when I want to lose
some weight, I just put on a hot coat.

That's how Ruff Ryders roll

- Stop, drop

Shut 'em down
Open up shop

- Oh, no

That's how Ruff Ryders roll

Stop, drop

Shut 'em down
Open up shop

Oh, no

That's how Ruff Ryders roll
Niggas wanna try

- Niggas wanna lie, niggas wonder why
- What, what

Niggas wanna die
All I feel is pain

- All I feel is rain
- What

- How can I maintain
- What, what

I resort to violence
My niggas move in silence

- Like you don't know our style
- What

- Yo, dog.
- What

- Took it, then we split it

- Are you okay ?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

- Hey !
- Have you lost your mind ?

- I forgot who I was.
- You forgot who you were ?

I just like the song.
DMX. "Ruff Ryders."

What if I was singing,
"Whities wanna die, Whities can't try" ?

- Might get a record deal.

You know, I don't believe you.
You're somethin' else.

I didn't know what to expect,
but I didn't expect this.

There's somethin'
About your eyes.

When I look at you, it's like
I see somebody else inside you.

You know, even when I was
tryin' to be mad at you,

I just can't help
but see somethin' else.

Sounds crazy, huh ?

No, it's-- it's not crazy.

It's-- It's not crazy.

- Some date, huh ?
- Date ?

Oh, I thought you were
just tryin' to feed me.

I was till I got
my ass whopped.

That guy punched me like
I owed him child support.

I picture that I
can read your mind

- Tell you everything is going good

See, I been waitin'
All my life

For someone just like you

And I know
you've been waiting too

For someone to love you

All you need
is someone who cares

For someone to love you

- Someone who will always be there

Well, that was different
than what I thought it would be.

Different good
or different weird ?

It was a little bit
of both, I think.

I guess you just didn't
seem like my type.

Not your type.
So, uh, what's your type look like ?

It's not all about looks. I mean,
you don't have to be fine or anything.

I just kind of like a guy
with all of his teeth.

Well, that's a good rule.
That's a good rule.

I like a slim guy.
A guy with a goatee.

Nice eyes.
And he's gotta be funny.


I guess I don't have a chance.

- What's your type ?
- My type ?

I like my women
same way I like my coffee--

Puerto Rican.

-Just playin'. Just playin'.
- You watch it.

Oh, boy, here we are.

So, can I call you ?

Well, let me ask you somethin'.

All that stuff you were sayin'
at the hospital,

were you just tryin'
to get with me ?

At first, yeah.

Yeah, that's all
I could think about.

Then I remembered what you said.
"Do somethin' positive with your money."

So I figure, you know,
I'm in this body, I might as well help.

I mean, if I get with you, great.

But if not,
at least somebody'll be happy.

You know what ?
l-l better go.

Yeah. I guess I better be goin' too.

Yeah. I wonder
who the Knicks played.

I think they played
the Lakers or somebody--

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. W-Was I wrong ?

No, it's-- I knew you were
gonna try to kiss me tonight,

and I thought I'd be mad,

but I'm not.

It's-- It's somethin'
about your eyes.

You know, the first kiss...

is always in the middle
of a sentence.

It's always like, "Yeah,
tomorrow I'm gonna go to the zoo,

because I got this whole thing
with orangutans, and I just--"


it could be like, um, "Did you hear
about that new war in Russia ?

I heard they were gonna--"

So I can call you, right ?
I mean, just to talk.

No nasty talk or anything. Unless
that's what you're into, then, hey !

Good night.

Yes ! Yes !

- Yes ! Yes ! Yes !

- My baby ! My baby !
- Yes !

- Oh !
- Yes ! Yes !

Yes, yes !

- Yes ! Yes ! Yes, yes !

Oh, no
That's how Ruff Ryders roll

- Niggas wanna try, niggas wanna lie
- What, what

Then niggas wonder why
niggas wanna die

Yes ! Yes !

- Get off my foot, bitch !

- Okay, let's go.
- Hey ! Don't sneak up on me like that.

What are you, The Great Gazoo ?

Sorry. Hi. How are you ?
I got a new body for you.

I don't need the body anymore.
This one's just fine.

We have about one minute to get you
into this truly fabulous corpse.

Hey, I'm cool with Wellington.

You know why ?
'Cause Sontee's cool with Wellington.

I just waited through Ol' Dirty Bastard,
Mystikal and Silkk the Shocker for you.

Keeping this body
is not an option,

regardless of whether
you're smitten with some girl.

It's not some girl.
It's the girl.

I mean, you got heaven,
But you don't got this, man.

She's fine. She's smart.

We like all the same stuff.
We hate all the same stuff.

She laughs at my stupid jokes.

And I don't have
to censor myself around her.

But you know what ? She only knows me
as this guy Wellington.

So I don't want
to up and change now.

Lance, trust me,
it's better this way.

- Yo, money, gimme your wallet.
- One second.

Are you sure I won't die
for 40 years ?

Are you sure I won't die
for 40 years ?

- Technically, yes--
- Mother--

But this body's just a loaner !
Nobody listens to me.

Come on, man ! Rob me !
Don't run ! I got money ! You bad !

What does that mean, he wants to be
more involved with running the company ?

It means, uh...
he wants to be more involved...

with, uh, running... the company.

I thought you had him
under control.

I do. I mean, I did. I don't
really know where this came from.

It's like he's gone crazy.

Maybe the fact you were shtupping
his wife changed his attitude a little.

There's really no need
to get, uh, personal.

I'll tell you
what I take personally:

the statement, "What if
we lose a few million dollars ?"

I didn't get into
this business to lose money.

Do you think this goody-two-shoes crap
that Wellington's been spewing...

extends to, say, auditing
the company's finances ?

-Jesus, I hope not.
-Blah, blah, blah. Let's just kill him.

What are you laughing about ?

Winston, do you want to take
the lead on this one ?

Cisco, you know what I need you to do ?

I need you to get in contact
with a man named Whitney Daniels.

He lives on 104th and Lennox.
Tell him I need to talk to him.


Pretty sweet, huh ?
Up here, Mr. Daniels.

Entering second floor.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I saw this girl the other day.

She was ugly.

She's so ugly, she's talkin' about
give her a booty call.

I said, "Girl, you so ugly,
I'm gonna give you a zootie call."

What the hell do you think you're
doing here, huh ? This isn't your act.

Calm down. Hey, hey, hey !
Everybody, Whitney Daniels !

- Shut up !

You guys have been great, but we're
gonna take a little break right now.

All right. Come on, everybody.
Let's get back to work.

Come on.

What the hell is going on here ?

I know it looks kind of crazy,
but if I'm gonna get...

an amateur spots at the Apollo,
I'm gonna need a place to work out.

Y-You wanna do one of
the amateur spots at the Apollo ?

You ?

What do you do,
have your butlers...

hang around comedy clubs
and steal people's acts ?

- You think my act is stolen ?
- I know it is.

Personally, I would have
stolen some better material.

But the kid who wrote it,
he used to work it pretty well and--

Two Rheingolds comin' at ya.

Thanks a lot, Cisco.

Damn, you took everything
from the kid, huh ?

Don't tell me that Rheingold
is all you can afford, Mr. Wellington.

Whit, I didn't steal anything.

I just want to play the Apollo. You're
the only man who can help me do it.

No. I'm out
of the comedy business.

Last person
I was gonna help is dead.

But, anyway,
he was a special case.

Really ?
What was so special about him ?

About him ? Nothin', really,
ifyou want to know.

He didn't have much talent to speak of.

But no matter
how bad it went--

and, believe me, sometimes
it went really bad--

he wanted to get back onstage.

He was a good kid.

And I wanted to be there
when things got good for him, but--

Thanks for the beer.

Whitney, it's me-- Lance.

Uh-- I got hit by a truck,

and I went up to heaven,
and they took my body quick.

And I'm in heaven,
and it's all blue.

And this guy--
And then the other guy, Mr. King,

he looked like Ricky Ricardo and--

I don't know if it's drugs you're takin'
or drugs you need to be takin',

but do something.

Whitney, remember when we did
that gig in Atlantic City ?

They were supposed to pay us 500,
but they only gave us 250.

And we got real drunk
and hung out with these two girls.

We got so drunk, we thought
they was transvestites.

Turns out they weren't

They were just
two real ugly girls.

Then we brought 'em back to the hotel,
hung out with 'em, fell asleep.

When we woke up,
what did we find out ?

They robbed us !

Yeah, man ! They--

Booey !

Yeah ! Whoo !

- Th-This is impossible.
- What's so impossible about it ?

You been going to church
your whole life.

You've been putting money
in the collection plate every week.

This is just
your tax dollars at work.

Wait a minute. God--

What's God like ?
Does He have a sense of humor ?

I haven't met God,
but the devil got some good weed.

I'm just joking.

Just playin', man.

I haven't even met him yet,
but I met this guy, Mr. King.

-He's kind of like the manager up there.
-Manager ? Wait--

Lance. Just because you built
a comedy club in your own home,

it doesn't mean
you can pull this off.

You gotta work your material
in front of a real audience.

I got an audience.
You heard me gettin' laughs.

You ain't my type
but I think I like you

Doin' just fine
but I think I like you

You ain't the right height
but I think I like you

Wasn't love at first sight
but I think I like you

They say you're kinda rude
but I think I like you

I don't like your crew
but I think I like you

What else do we got ?

"Your mother has so much hair
under her arms,

it looks like she has
Buckwheat in a headlock."

I don't know why
but I think I like you

You ain't my type
but I think I like you

You know what I like
about telling jokes ? It's pure.

It's like Boxing 1 01 .
You versus the audience.

It's not like music.
Nobody cares what you look like.

Nobody cares
what you're wearing.

People just want to know
If you're funny. Can you bring it ?

And I just wanna go to the Apollo
and bring it one time.

What about that stuff
you were saying at the hospital ?

People think that stuff every day,
but you never hear anybody say it.

- I was just talkin'.
- Yeah, but it worked.

- What do you mean, worked ?
- It was funny.


Shake ya ass
But watch yaself

Shake ya ass
Show me what you workin' with

Shakeya ass, but watch yaself
Shakeya ass

- What's up, G ?

Don't make me leave here
with my foot in your-- Be cool

Welcome home, G.

What are you doing ?

Backin' that ass up.

- Full grown German shepherd
- How about you and me knock boots ?

Y'all can't catch me

It's just, you know, I've noticed
lately you've been into the whole...

-Jet magazine thing and--
- Listen.

- I want a divorce.
- Is it because I tried to jack you ?

No, no, no. It's got nothing
to do with you trying to jack me.

The truth is...
there's somebody else.

Oh. Ya got another ho.

Look, just divorce me.

You can have whatever you want.
I don't want it.

- Word ?
- Word.

You know, you're
a great person inside.

And you need to get in touch
with the person inside.

And until you do that,
you need to stay... inside.

So take care, all right ?

He's lost his mind.

- Your next act, ladies and gentlemen.

He loves comedy so much,
he bought the whole damn club.

Please put your hands together
for Charles Wellington Ill.

- You all right ?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

- You ready ?
- I'm ready.

- How you feel ?
- I feel good.

Great, 'cause they're here--
The judges from the Apollo.

Charles Wellington,
ladies and gentlemen.

How're you doin' ?
All right.

When I was a kid,
we were so poor...

that the roaches
was on welfare.

Poor, my ass.

-Get off the stage, you fake Bill Gates.

Yeah, we was real poor.

We were so poor...

that the rats had bald spots.

Crap. Cripitty-crap-crap.

I'm supposed to sit here and listen to
this crap just because you own the club?

Rich son of a bitch.

- Oooh !
- That's comedy. That's comedy.

Drinks for everybody.
That, my friend, is comedy.

- Allright ?

Shut up before I crush you
with my wallet.

- Ooh !

Bothering me on the job.
Do I come to your job and bother you ?

Do I kick the squeegee
out your hand ? No.

I leave it right there.
Let you get all the cars all day long.

- I didn't always have money.

No, no, no.
When I was a kid, we really was poor.

My dad was the cheapest man on Earth.
My father's so cheap...

that when we went to bed,
he'd unplug the clocks.

"You can't tell time
when you asleep."

And the last spot for
the Apollo's final show goes to...

millionaire Charles Wellington
from New York City.

And to make the night right, closing out
the show will be Brian McKnight.

Boy, I don't know
what got into that Wellington,

but I like him.

It was a long time ago.

Furis murder! Furis murder!

- Fur is murder !
- Furis murder!

- Furis murder!
- I'm gonna show you murder !

Don't be stingy.

Stick to the soft stuff.
You can gum it.

Kiss my ass.

I'm so glad we're giving
back to the community.

Put on the hat. Put it on.

So I still gotta get onstage
and not get booed off.

You're doin' pretty good.

- Thank you for the party.
- No problem, sickie.

You take care...
ya sick bastard.

See what you got here.

Damn, you're sick !
You're a sick man !

- Let's get this man a table dance !
- Yes, sir.

So will you marry me ?

- What ?
- Sontee,

I love lookin' at you; I love talking
to you; I love laughing with you.

You know, sometimes
when I can't find you,

I call your house just to listen
to your answering machine...

because I love your voice.

The cars, the money, all this stuff,
I'd give it all up just for you.

You know, today I changed the diaper
Of an 86-year-old man,

and I'd give it all up
just for you.

That's a big sacrifice.

Mr. Barton ?

- What ?
- Nothing.

- Hold that thought.
- Okay.

I'll be right back.

- I said hold that thought.
- Okay.

Keyes, what are you doing ? Get outta
here. You're deathin' up the place.

Lance, you gotta come with me.
You can't stay in this body.

Can't you see I'm busy ?
Go have yourself some ribs.

Hey, I'm not
the bad guy here !

Can I take
my hands down now ?

Yes, you can take
your hands down.

So you really want
to get married ?

I really want to get married.
Just look at me. You know I'm not lying.

I know.

There's something
about your eyes.

Sontee, I just want
to remember all of this.

I don't want you to forget me.
You're not gonna forget me, right ?

- You act like something's gonna happen.
- Nothing's gonna happen.

I'm just saying, though,
If something did happen,

like... someday you met a guy--

It could be a black guy,
a white guy, a Spanish guy.

I mean, if he was sincere,
you'd give him a shot, right ?

Wait a minute.
What are you talking about ?

Everything's all right.

Everything's all right.

So you brought the big gun, huh ?

You gotta play by the rules
like everybody else.

I played by the rules my whole life,
and I'm sick of it.

- From now on, I make the rules.
- No one makes these rules.

But you make all the mistakes.

Every time I get something
going, you take my body.

This was just a temporary setup.
The clock ran out.

I'm not scared of you, King.
I got lawyers now. I got money.

- Makes no difference.
- But I can't go now.

I'm supposed to play the Apollo,
and I'm in love.

- This is bigger than that.
- Nothin's bigger than that.

This is fate.

How come every time something
bad happens to me, it's fate,

and every time something good
happens to me, it's luck ?

Is anything good
supposed to happen to me ?

- No.

Somebody call 9-1 -1 !

Sorry, Lance. I tried to warn you.

- King, you gotta get me back.
- No dice.

- We had a deal.
- I'll do anything. I'll be anybody.

- There'll be consequences.
- I'll take 'em.

Just get me back!

- Hello, Sontee.

I just can't believe he's gone,
just like that.

He's not gone, Sontee.

I know in a way
he's gonna live on, but--

No, no, honestly.

You think you loved
Charles Wellington,

but really you loved
someone inside of him.

He didn't die tonight.

He's living on somewhere.

I'm sure of it.

And he'll always remember us.

So what are we doin' here ?

This is your future, kid.

- You mean I'm gonna be Joe Guy ?
- That's the plan.

I don't want to take his life.

He's about to play the Apollo.
He's a nice guy.

That's his destiny. This is yours.
It'll all work out for the best.

I'm not so sure with you.
Look out, Joe !

Air bags.

Air bags.

Taxi ! Taxi !

Hey !

Taxi !

- Taxi ! Taxi !

Taxi ! Taxi, taxi, taxi !

I'm black again !

I'm black again !
I'm a black man !

People are questioning
Winston Sklar,

who worked for Wellington,
in relation to the murder.

To the people who knew him,
Charles Wellington was two men.:

a ruthless, cutthroat businessman...

and, more recently,
a kind philanthropist.

That man who got shot in the park today,
that wasn't no Charles Wellington.

That Wellington, he was always a cheap--

no-good mother--
with a stick up his--

Now, the man in the park today,
he was somebody else.

He was my brother.
I loved that man.

Chuck Wellington.

There will never be
another one like him.

- I can't believe he's gone.
- He's done. No more questions.

Thanks, Ted. Charles Wellington Ill,
dead at the age of 53.

He leaves behind his wife Amber,
a dog, Elle, and a sizable--

I don't want you to forget me.

You're not gonna
forget me, right ?

There's something about your eyes.

Everything's allright.

Everything's allright.

The eccentric billionaire left the bulk
of his estate to city charities,

his personal friends
and his loyal domestic staff.

It's Showtime at the Apollo
one last time...

as the venerable Harlem institution
closes its doors for good.

- I'm not wakin' up tomorrow mornin'

And findin' that
there's nobody there

No, no, no, no way

Hey, Whitney.
I haven't seen you in a while.

What ya doin' backstage ?
How about a loan ?

No. Stop it.

Guess I'm just,
uh, hangin' out.

Yeah. I miss Booey too.

Love me

- Thankyou.

- Lance ?
- No, I'm Phil.


How about a hand for your next act,
Mr. Joe Guy.

- Give it up for Joe Guy.

- Hey, Whit.
- Oh, hey, Joe.

- Make me laugh !

- Apollo ! Yeah !

So, what is it all about ?

Looks ?
Looks will determine everything.

You know, you want people
To judge you by your character,

you know, what you feel inside,
but nobody cares.

People, all they care about
is your looks.

I'm sorry, ifyou look good,
you're gonna have a good life.

You look bad,
ooh, you better work on it.

That's right, the uglier you are,
the smarter you better be.

For every ten pounds
you are overweight,

you better pick up a book.

Or you better get two books,
and get a computer while you're at it.

Lance ? Oh, yeah.

That's right.
I was at the Knick game the other day.

I'm looking at the seats.
The higher the seats got,

- the uglier the people got.

If I was a usher,
I wouldn't even need tickets.

I'd just look at faces.
Whoo ! You gotta go up top !

One thing I love about women.

Women can fall in love
with a ugly man and admit it.

Show him off to all her friends
and the family.

He'd be the ugliest guy in the world,

and they'd be so proud
of their ugly man.

They'll hold his hand like,
"l want you to meet Kevin.

"l just want you to meet Kevin.
He's a nice guy.

I know he don't look that good...
but he's good to me !"

- Women cool like that.

Guys would never admit to being
in love with an ugly woman.

We'll hide it to the death !

We ain't tellin' nobody !

That's right,
we ain't tellin' nobody.

"Heard you got married."
"Who told you that ?"

- That's it.

What's life all about, man ?
What is it all about ?

You want, you know, love.
Love, love, love, love, love.

You wanna be in love.
You want that new love.

You want-- You want to feel
that first kiss again.

That's right, 'cause that's
the only real kiss in a relationship,

is the first kiss.

All the rest of the kisses
Are just--just protocol.

Every other kiss is just protocol.
That's all it is, just routine.

Hey ! You was gone.
You back.

Hey, we havin' sex.

Hey, I miss you.

It's all routine.
The first kiss is the only real one...

'cause it always happens, like,
in the middle of a conversation.

You don't even know what you're
talking about. "Yeah, you know.

"Maybe someday I was thinking
about maybe trying to get the Acura--"

- Uhh !

You never know ! The first kiss
is always like double Dutch.

You're just sittin' there like,
"When do I get in ? When do I get in ?

"Aaah ! Yeah ! I'm kissin' !
I'm kissin', I'm kissin', I'm kissin',

- I'm kissin' , I'm kissin' !"

- Hey, I gotta go. Y'all be good.

That's my dog.

Joe Guy, ladies and gentlemen.
Joe Guy.

The next act is also a comedian.
How about a hand for Mr. Mike Green !



They didn't boo.
They didn't boo !

- Why don't they make the whole thing...

out of a black box ?

We are back in business, huh ?

I'm back, Whit. You and me.

Lance, I'm proud of you.

- Lance.
- Mr. King.

-Hey, congratulations. You killed 'em !

- We're cool, right ?

- Oh, we're cool, man. We're real cool.
- Lance, we gotta talk.

Remember our deal?
Wellington was just a temporary setup.

This is the real thing.
This is your body.

Start to set up house,
'cause this is you.

I'll sign the lease right now.
I'll give you two months in advance.

Joe, that was
the shiznit, son.

Listen to Phil Quon.
You about to shine.

- Kid, listen to me.

When we leave,
you will be Joe Guy.

You won't remember Keyes;
you won't remember me.

Get outta here, man !

I'm gonna remember you like
you whooped my ass in third grade.

Lance, you're not getting it.

You see, you won't remember
Charles Wellington, Sontee.

You won't even remember
Lance Barton.

You will be Joe Guy.

What do you mean,
I won't remember Sontee ?

- I'm sorry, Lance.
- You're sorry ?

I got hit by a truck;
I got smashed by a car;, I got shot,

and now you wanna take my soul ?
What are you, the Blair Witch ?

I can't take your soul.
Nobody could do that.

Where you're from, what you look like,
that's just clothing.

How am I supposed to get Sontee
if I don't remember Sontee ?

No, no, no, how am I supposed to get
Sontee if Sontee doesn't remember me ?

The funny thing
about reincarnation, kid:

Even when you're not you,
you're still you.

Don't worry.
I got a good feeling about this.

Don't worry ?
I had a hard enough time...

trying to get this girl
as a rich white man.

Do you know how hard it's gonna be
to try to get her as a broke black man ?

See you around, Joe.

That's what I'm talking about.
You and me on the road.

We could blow up, son !
Joe, are you allright ?



Hey, Lance, come on, man.
Let's celebrate.

- I got some big plans for us.
- What are you talking about ?

Lance, come on.
Nobody else is around.

- Why do you keep calling me Lance ?
- Uh--

Look at me for--
for a second, will ya ?

- Lance.
-Joe Guy.

Oh, you mean your boy,
Lance Barton.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You're still dealing with that, huh ?


Yeah, l, uh... guess I am.

- Look. Mr. Daniels--
- Whitney.

Okay. Whitney,
I don't have a manager.

Would it be cool to come by
your office and leave a tape ?

You know, like maybe
you could take me on ?

Yeah. Sure.

Call me tomorrow, huh ?

You're, uh--

You're a good kid.

Thanks a lot.
I'm gonna call you tomorrow.

- Right.
-Joe Guy.

- Don't act like you don't know me.
- No, man.

And you know what ? If you don't like
the tape, keep it to yourself.

- Right, right.
- It's gonna be all right.

Oh, um, excuse me.
I'm looking for Whitney Daniels.

Uh, Whitney Daniels ?
Yeah, just go straight.

Make a right
and go down the stairs.

When you get by the dressing rooms,
he should be there.


Oh, I'm sorry, but do you think
they'll let me back there ?

Yeah, sure.
The show's been over for about an hour.

- Do I know you ?
- No.

No, no, seriously.
I'm not joking.

I just feel like
I've met you before.


-Joe Guy.
- Sontee Jenkins.



- Oh.

Last call at the Apollo. We better
get out of here before they lock us in.

Give me your hand.
I know my way around here.

Don't be scared.
Everything's all right.

What did you just say ?

Everything's all right. Like the song.
Everything is all right

It's just that
when you said that, it--

- You're a comedian ?
- Do I sing that bad ?

No. You were on tonight.
How'd you do ?

They didn't boo.
You know, they got this after party--

- Sorry. I didn't mean to hold you up.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I don't feel like going to the party.
You wanna get something to eat ?

Are you asking me out ?

No, I just want to feed you.

Yeah. I'm starved.

- Nice shoes.
- Thankyou.

So what do you do ?

- I'm into medicine.
- What are you, a drug dealer ?

Watch it. No. Actually,
I own Brooklyn Community Hospital.

You own a hospital ?
I know Brooklyn Community.

My uncle went there for a new liver, and
they sent his ass to the supermarket.

Hello, Sontee.
How're you doing, sir ?

- This your ride ?
- Yeah.

Well, ifyou want to keep it,
you better get it out of here.

- This is nice !
- Cisco.

What kind of mileage
you get on this ?

Oh, pretty good.

Cocktails, Miss Jenkins ?

- So are you the maid ?
- The maid ?

-Do I look like the maid ? I'm the paid.
-This is my friend Wanda.

And look at you. Let you out of
the car, and you're pickin' up strays.

- Did you know your coat's bleeding ?
- Mind your business.

Hey, girls, did you know
That pretty boys they need no more

You better find you a love
you can trust

And expect to like his mother

Hey, fellas, you better find
A girl who loves you more

- You okay, Sontee ?
- I'm okay. You okay ?

- I'm okay.
- Cisco, you okay ?

- I'm okay. Wanda, you okay ?
- Hell, no ! I spilled my drink.

You know what ?
You drink. I'm gonna drive.

Didn't I tell you
to keep an eye on him ?

I was tying my shoe, and when I looked
up-- It won't happen again, sir.

Cisco, you got any music ?

Here you go.

With my mind on my money
And my money on my mind

Rollin' down the street
smokin' lndo

- Sippin' on gin and juice
- Laid back

With my mind on my money
and my money on my mind

Rollin' down the street
smokin' lndo

- Sippin' on gin and juice
- Laidback

With my mind on my money
And my money on my mind

I got me some Seagram's gin

Everybody got they cups
but they ain't chipped in

Now, this type of shit
Happens all the time

You gotta get yours
But, fool, I gotta get mine

Everything is fine when you
listenin' to the D-O-G

I got the cultivatin' music
that be captivatin' he

You think you're slick in every way

Changing up the codes
On your phone everyday

Is there something that you're
trying to hide from me

I never gave you reason to run and
Take your calls in the other room

Am I the only one
Or is somebody else getting at you

Is it my imagination

Things ain't always
what they seem

'Cause I don't wanna be

Just another name
In your little black book

Just another face in the crowd
And it's got me shook

I gotta mean
a little more to you

Than a space in your list
Of your things to do

Another G-Shock done
In your Benz

Another dime piece
That you can show all your friends

You can call me crazy
say I'm insecure

But I don't wanna be

Oooh, oh, ohh


Mm, mm

Strange how you claim
to tell the truth

When the passenger's seat
In your car's been moved

And you swore that there was
no one else but you, you

And something else
you can't explain

Why'd you call me
By somebody else's name

You say it's history
Your playing days are through

Or so you say

Is it my imagination

Things ain't always
what they seem

'Cause I don't wanna be

Just another name
In your little black book

Just another face in the crowd
And it's got me shook

'Cause I gotta mean
a little more to you

Than a space in your list
Of your things to do

Another G-Shock done
In your Benz

Another dime piece
That you can show all your friends

You can call me crazy
say I'm insecure

Tell me, are you lying
Or is it my suspicious mind

I gotta know the truth

If I am just another girl

You're treatin' wrong

Another one
You string along

Is it you and me
Is it two or three

'Cause I don't wanna be

Just another name
In your little black book

Just another face in the crowd
And it's got me shook

I gotta mean
a little more to you

Than a space in your list
Of your things to do

Another G-Shock done
In your Benz

Another dime piece
That you can show all your friends

You can call me crazy
say I'm insecure

But I don't wanna be
just another girl

In your little black book

Just another face in the crowd
And it's got me shook

I gotta mean
a little more to you

Than a space in your list
Of your things to do

Another G-Shock done
In your Benz

Another dime piece
That you can show all your friends

You can call me crazy
say I'm insecure

But I don't wanna be
just another girl

Just another face in the crowd
And it's got me shook

I gotta mean
a little more to you

Than a space in your list
Of your things to do

Another G-Shock done
In your Benz

Another dime piece
That you can show all your friends

You can call me crazy
say I'm insecure

But I don't wanna be
just another girl

What if I was white
Skin the same color as Eminem

With blond hair and blue eyes
The whole shebang

I know one thing, police
wouldn't always be watchin' me

Pullin' me over for nothing
Constantly jockin' me

Yellow Cabsin the city

I wouldn't need collateral
to buy property if I was white

Wouldn't matter
If I was rich or poor

Security wouldn't follow me around the
store like I'm gonna steal somethin'

Because I'm black, I rob

And automatically assume
I ain't got no job

On my own land
Feel like an immigrant

If I was white, I wouldn't have
thought O.J. was innocent

If I was white, What if he was white
What if he was white

- Yo, think about that for a minute
- What if he was white

- Wow
- What if he was white

- What if he was white, white, white
- What if he was white

- What if he was white
- What if he was black

What if he was white

- What if he were white
- What if he was white, white, white

If I was white, it'd be
a different world for me

If I was white, hmm
What shade would I be

Would I be redneck or skinhead
preppy or high-class

You'd probably live in a trailer park
And be white trash

In any case, there'd be
an illside, right

But there's a good and a bad
side of bein' white

What's up, my brother, De La Soul Pete
I have two left feet

Even if I was white
I'd still have a better chance

Is it a myth or would I
really have a little

If I was white
I'd probably listen to hard rock

And cover my ears
Whenever I heard hip-hop

What if he was white
What if he was white

- What if he was white
- What if he was white

What if he was white
What if he was white, white, white

- What if he was white
- What if he was white

What if he was white

Mm, what if he was white

- What if he were white, white, white
- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo

If I was white, I probably
wouldn't even think the same

I'd watch tennis and golf
And bet on hockey games

Wear suits and ties
And go to work everyday

If I was white I couldn't live
Around my way

And there probably wouldn't
Never even be an Amish

Smokin' on a Marlboro
Instead of a Newport

I'd live in Long Island
Instead of New York

If I was white
I probably couldn't dunk

'Cause everybody know
white men can't jump

And I probably wouldn't be able
To go to the Tree Spot

'Cause all them dreads
would think I'm a cop

If he was white
What if he was white

What if he was white
What if he was white

- Yo, you can't even say that
- What if he was white

What if he was white
What if he was white

What if he was white, white, white
white, white, white, white, white

Yo, what if I was white