Down the Drain (1990) - full transcript
A crooked lawyer brings together some of the clients he's gotten off and schemes to rob a bank vault. However, after the robbery, he discovers that the "goods" he's stolen is actually a top-secret microchip that foreign powers are after, and they will stop at nothing to get it.
♪ Blue skies
♪ Cool summer breeze
♪ The feeling of the road beneath my wheels
♪ It's all right
♪ Taking it day by day
♪ I'm trying to keep the devil off my heels
♪ Lose control
♪ If things get out of hand
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ It's a hard way to go
♪ But everybody knows
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
(CAR PHONE RINGING)
Scalia.
Oh, Harry, for Christ's sake, relax, it's only a drug bust.
Look, Harry, you got my word, it's a guaranteed acquittal.
Harry, I've smoked a joint or two with the judge myself.
Believe me, it's in the bag!
Well, if it makes you feel better,
fax me the document right away,
I'll have to look at it, okay?
Harry, Harry, calm down.
Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
No, I better scratch that, morning's no good.
Make it 3:00 in the afternoon.
Hey, no sweat, buddy, pay me when you can.
And Harry, you owe me.
♪ You gotta watch for warning signs
♪ Did they turn you in when the game is growing thin
♪ Hold on tight and you might find
♪ It's slipping through your fingers like the wind
♪ Lose control if things get out of hand
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ It's a hard way to go
♪ And everybody knows
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain ♪
Kathy?
Honey?
Kathy?
Sweetheart, where are you?
Kathy?
Wait.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Where is it? Where is it?
Hey, take it easy, take it easy.
Stop!
Okay, okay.
Happy birthday, baby.
Oh, honey.
Oh, that's so beautiful!
What do you think?
I think you're a jewelry junkie.
You look beautiful.
They're bright.
When are you going to settle down and make an honest woman out of me, huh?
Soon, honey, very soon.
Oh, sure.
It's only been two years, your soon is forever.
When Mr. Vic Scalia?
Well, just as soon as I figure out what honesty is, sweetheart.
You're a rotten son of a bitch, you know that?
But that's why I love you.
(MOANING)
ANCHORMAN: We take you now to the Downtown Criminal Court Building.
Oh, look, I want to see this!
Where Jeb Stewart, infamous underworld cat burglar
known as the Electric Intruder was earlier this afternoon,
acquitted of all felonious counts.
Tricia Pagoda has the story.
Stewart is now coming down the steps
joined by his renewed attorney Victor Scalia
who has won 18 of his last 20 cases in this courtroom
and is rumored to, in special cases,
not even accept payment from his clients.
Here they are now.
How does it feel to be a free man?
(LAUGHING)
Vic Scalia got another one off the hook.
I get 'em all off, baby.
Oh, don't brag!
Hey, what about the nickel and dime shoplifting charge I got you off?
Remember how we met?
Big deal, you played poker with the judge all night.
Big deal? You bet your ass it was a big deal.
I dropped 50 grand to that judge just to get you an acquittal.
It's a brilliant defense.
Well, I guess I still owe you, huh?
Hey.
You the guys that ordered the crane?
Yeah, that's us, my man.
Where's the construction site?
Hey, construct this, you mook!
Dino, Dino. Cool it!
Here's the papers, my man.
I don't recognize that signature.
Oh, no?
Well, maybe you recognize this.
Oh, look what we've got here.
Dino, Dino. Dino!
(GROANING)
You low life shit face skinny fuck,
I can't take you nowhere!
Now, how many times I've got to tell you?
We are professionals,
not grave robbers!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
What the fuck do you know, man?
This is a scuba diver Omega, man.
This is big time underwater shit!
You know my Sofia's brother Franco from Capri?
He's been looking for two years to steal one of these things,
and I got it.
You don't know nothing, man!
Hey, grazie.
I do more than dream!
(PHONE RINGING)
Yes? BUCKLEY: It's me.
Hey, Buckley, what's happening?
The idiot whop and I got the crane.
Great!
Now, the Feds should be making the transfer around 2:00 p.m.
Be ready.
You got it.
Who's that?
It's Tom Dart.
Oh, poor lawyer Vic is still pouting over his losses.
(SNICKERING)
Not for long, sweetheart.
This guy's too good to do time,
he's got a doctorate in safe cracking.
Buckley and Carpatti are taking care of him right now.
Let's bring him out to the car.
Nice day for a funeral.
Shut up and keep walking.
Better check out the car, I don't trust his friends.
Move a muscle and you're dead.
Hey, hey, you idiot, he's getting away!
Hey, no, don't shoot, you'll hit Joe.
See you later, suckers!
Buckle up.
No way.
I'm not getting no ticket and screwing up this operation,
now, buckle up!
I'm a free man.
Hey, Buckley, you idiot, wait for me!
Gentlemen, these are the storm drain networks
in the area of the Monument Security Bank,
located at the corner of Wilshire Boulevard and La Cienega.
I don't even know who our client is.
All I know is that we are to empty the contents
of every safe deposit box in the bank and deliver it to our client.
And the only obstacle I can foresee is the thick concrete floor below the vault.
Hey, you've got it upside down, idiot!
Jed.
Jed.
Mr. Stewart.
(SCREAMING)
Now, you all know Tom Dart, the best in the business.
He'll be cracking the safes.
Carpatti is in charge of the equipment.
Stewart, computer and electronics.
Buckley, you're head of operations and Kathy communications.
(LAUGHING) That's good, communications.
(SIREN BLARING)
You blew it, boss!
(LAUGHING)
If you think I got you an acquittal
so you can screw around with infantile electronic games,
you can think again, pal!
And that goes for all of you, is that understood?
Now, this tunnel took a long time to dig,
it comes up directly under the vault
containing the safe deposit boxes.
Big fucking deal!
Yeah, the place is brand new.
Practically virgin.
Probably all empty.
What gives, Scalia?
Well, you all know the rules,
we never ask any questions and this time it's no different.
I'll share a little secret with you, guys.
This time we're working on contingency.
"Cont" what?
The "if come."
Sounds different to me.
Twenty million dollars, Carpatti.
Is that different enough for you?
Okay, now that I have your undivided attention, here's the deal.
We break into the bank,
steal all the contents of every safe deposit box,
we turn it over to the client,
and if the client finds what he's looking for,
then it's easy city boys for the rest of our lives.
But that means no souvenirs for anyone, is that clear?
But what if he doesn't find what he's looking for?
Well, then we get to keep the contents of the safe deposit boxes,
either way we win.
Any questions?
Yeah, when?
My kid needs milk.
Tomorrow, Friday the 13th at 1900 hours,
exactly one hour after the bank closes.
The robbery won't be reported till Monday morning,
by that time the transaction with the client should be completed
and we'll all be several million dollars richer, gentlemen.
And then we'll all celebrate at Dino and Sofia's
and raise our glasses to welcome Dino Jr.
Hey, salute, that's good.
Hey, Dino. Hmm?
You know something? What?
I don't think it's your kid.
(LAUGHING)
And I don't think that's funny!
Hey, stop it!
What's with you?
You got a date with a sewer rat?
Fuck it, Buckley!
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Hey, Carpatti, get out there and get rid of 'em.
Why me?
Get out there.
What, what, there seems to be a little bit of a problem over here?
You think this is a damned parking lot?
No, we are working over here.
You know if I bumped into this after I just painted my car,
I'd punch you so hard I'd kill your whole family.
Get out of here!
You better turn around.
You're gonna hurt somebody.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Why did you do that, huh?
Hey, hey, come on back, I'll break your face.
That'll teach you to mess with me!
Shut the fuck up!
Yes, come on, come on!
Come on.
Come on. Yeah.
Come on, move it.
Hey, move it, pal! Right away, officer.
Get it going.
MAN: Hey, out of the street, asshole!
How we doing, fellows?
KATHY: Vic, we're on schedule.
Great, good luck, and remember,
nobody takes anything, no matter how tempting,
or they're dead meat, capisce?
(ALL CHATTERING)
Gee, it stinks here!
What'd you expect, it's a sewer!
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
I'm driving. Like hell you are.
Hey. Hey. Get out of there!
Drive this!
Let's go.
That's not fair, I'm supposed to be the equipment man!
(SWEARING IN ITALIAN)
Hey, wait for me!
Vic. Vic, you there?
Hurry up, sweetheart, you're behind schedule.
If he thinks it's so easy,
let him come down into this shit hole and do the job!
Nobody told me I'd be digging in dirt!
Okay, come on.
Hey, give me a hand, man, I'm stuck!
So much for a perfect planning.
Suck it in, Dino, suck it in!
I'll help, first, drink the soda.
(BURPING)
Good, come on!
Would you mind?
Everybody ready?
Yeah! Yeah!
You sure you're ready?
(CLAMORING)
Nice job, Dart.
Hey, Dart, you missed one.
High tech snafus,
give me molars anytime.
Hey, these are mine.
Come on, Dino, come on.
Empty.
Most of 'em empty, crap!
Will you shut up?
Every job you bitch and moan and complain!
You wanna bitch? Bitch with your bitch!
Shut up and do your job!
Hey, fuck, you know enough is...
Hey, get to work! Period!
Hmm, interesting.
Yes, sir, very nice.
Blackmail, I bet. See, here's the negatives.
This may be what we're after.
Oh, my, oh, look at the tits of this bitch, Jesus.
Oh, oh, turn the page.
Hold it, you guys stop jerking off,
everything goes in these suitcases, everything!
Oh, I'm beginning to like this job.
It's like when I open up somebody else's mail.
What, coupons?
What the hell are these doing here?
Are you crazy?
See, a dollar off on Pampers,
my Sophia can get double on these at our market!
Everything in the suitcase, asshole!
Oh, Erotica 21, my favorite perfume!
Oh, God!
No exceptions, in the bag, baby.
Why would somebody want to keep a bottle of perfume in a safety deposit box, anyway?
Are you kidding?
This stuff is 700 bucks an ounce,
this is Princess Di's favorite!
Oh, yeah?
Well, la-di-da.
It won't help, Buckley, shit is shit.
All right, time, let's get out of here!
Whoops, whoops, whoops, what do we have here?
Everything, sweetness, this too!
We can always work it out in trade.
Buckley, you got a dick for a brain.
(URINATING)
Hey, Dart, what the hell are you doing?
This is a bank, we just made a withdrawal,
I'll leave a deposit.
Come on!
Vic, we are on our way back,
we'll be at the manhole in four minutes.
Great, I'm on the way.
Uh, uh. What?
You always forget.
Thanks for reminding me.
This safe was designed by Willy Gerardo,
a master safe cracker.
It takes a thief to catch a thief, baby.
Hey!
Just window shopping.
Stewey, kill him.
Come on, let him know what it feels like for a change.
Kick his ass, Stewey!
Yeah, yes, 20 bucks, baby!
Ah, fuck you!
Okay, okay, everybody did a great job.
I'm real proud of you.
Now, nobody leaves town, everyone keeps their beepers on.
Now it's the time we deliver
and I mean everything, you got it?
All right, all ready, come on, we've heard that!
Everything, everything, everything.
We've heard that, it'll be there!
What the hell you think we are, thieves?
Fuck, don't you ever shut up?
Man, I'm so tired of your...
Hey, what the fuck.
Hey.
What if this was precisely the item our client was searching for?
What if this is exactly what we went to all this trouble to get?
Then you could have just ruined everything for us all.
Asshole!
Strip him!
Come on, no, guys, this is not necessary, men.
Come on, no, man. Hey, hey.
Put the stuff on the table.
Come on, please. Come on, please.
No, look, look, just...
Just one for Sophia, man, huh, come on the Gucci, huh?
You don't understand, man, I can't go home empty-handed.
I ain't asking you for the Cartier, for Christ's sake man.
Sophia's gonna cut my balls.
Ought to cut them off for you, salami piece of shit!
Asshole, 20 million dollars at stake
and you jerk off to a Gucci trinket!
Get out of here!
Something wrong with your foot, Dart?
A little injury during the break in?
It's a bunion, I have tight shoes.
I'll fix it up, don't worry.
Oh, well, let's have a look.
Boys, let's look at Mr. Dart's feet.
I don't think...
I ran out of bags.
Get out of here!
Can you believe that guy?
Boss,
I couldn't help myself.
I'll stay in touch, huh?
Et tu, Stewart?
BUCKLEY: Jesus!
I mean, I can't believe these scumbag pieces of shit!
You can't trust anybody!
Oh, hell, I'm out of here. I'll see you later.
Boss, Kathy.
Buckley! Yes, sir.
Not so fast.
I know all your tricks, Buckley, get over here.
Now, drop your pants and bend over.
Oh, not that, Boss. Do it! Now!
Not that. Right there!
In front of her?
Kathy, turn around.
Move, bend over and spread 'em!
Come on, Boss, I thought you trusted me!
Geez, this is so embarrassing, man, I can...
(GASPING)
Eureka!
Oh, Boss, I don't know what got into me.
This is what got into you.
I don't know which one of you is worse.
Get out of here!
Right.
Can you believe those guys? I can't believe that!
Sometimes I think the whole fucking world is going crazy!
(SIGHING)
Kathy. What?
What's that in your hand?
Nothing.
Let me see. What?
Give me it!
I've got to have them, please!
Give me those.
Where are they?
This is great, I just don't understand you people.
For a few thousand dollars you're willing to risk millions.
All right, what else you got?
Oh!
All right, that's it.
Strip.
Now!
♪ Nobody sees you like I do
♪ Give me your best
♪ Nobody knows you like I do
♪ I wanna see all the rest
♪ Girl, you make me sweat
♪ When I watch what you do
♪ Babe, you're looking good
♪ From my point of view
♪ Baby, show me
♪ Everything you've got
♪ Whoa!
♪ Come on, baby
♪ Baby, show me
♪ I like you a lot
♪ You're the cream of the crop
♪ You ain't no girl next door
♪ So throws your things on the floor
♪ And show me
♪ Nobody wants you like I do
♪ Now, now
♪ Nobody treats you like I do
♪ So don't mess around
♪ Girl, don't make me guess
♪ Don't make me plead
♪ Get it off of your chest
♪ 'Cause you know what I need ♪
Oh, come on, Kathy, no more games,
give me the ankle bracelet.
Vic, you gave it to me, remember?
After the Milton Milton heist.
I'm sorry, baby, how could I forget?
Don Santiago, what a nice surprise!
Long time no see.
Just a minute, I'll tell him you're here.
Victor? Yes?
Don Santiago.
Send him right in.
Go right ahead.
Victor, my friend.
Don Santiago, welcome.
Well?
I've secured the merchandise as promised and I'm ready to make delivery.
Good.
What's the next move?
12:30 p.m. today, my office at the quarry,
you will take the client to see the stuff.
And the payoff?
As we discussed, if the client says it's a go,
the $20 million is yours.
Well, it sounds like we have a deal.
(CAR PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Vic, where are you?
Hi, sweetheart, just on the way to the quarry.
Honey, I'm afraid.
I can't put my finger on it,
but I just know something's wrong.
Oh, relax, baby, everything's going exactly as scheduled.
Don't worry.
I love you. I'll talk to you soon.
Hello?
Hello?
Having a little change of heart, Don?
Oh, come on, I just make a phone call. I...
Get his ass in the car.
Come on, get in!
Turn around!
You will do exactly as we tell you to do.
When your friend arrives you let him know all is well,
call him over.
When he feels safe,
send him inside.
Make one wrong move and...
Boom!
(LAUGHING)
All set?
(STAMMERING) Go right on in. Rogers is waiting for you.
Everything all right?
Hey, at last we meet,
big criminal lawyer Vic Scalia.
Let's get down to business, Rogers.
Yeah, my friends call me Dick.
I'm not surprised.
You know, I think you brought great luck to our deal.
Why's that?
Just as you walked through the door I solved the puzzle.
I cracked the cube. It's a good sign, no?
You've got the goods? Of course.
Every item? Well, I think so.
Where's the stuff?
This guy...
What do you think I was born yesterday, Dick?
Shall we take my car?
No, thanks, I'll drive.
Fine.
Now, boss?
Let's go.
What's your hurry?
Don Santiago, I'll be in touch.
I really appreciate your help, take care.
I better. Good luck.
Vic.
Be very careful.
BORIS ON RADIO: Peter.
Yeah, boss. Do you read me?
Yeah, I read you, I read you.
Listen, finish him off after we've gone,
we'll follow Rogers in the Caddie.
I hear you.
This deal should make you a rich man.
I'm already a rich man.
So what's in it for you?
Call it a hobby.
Vic, watch out, it's a double cross!
Oh, this is murder on my blood pressure.
Don't shoot at him, jerks, we really need the merchandise!
What? Come on!
I want those goods!
Thanks. Let's get out of here!
Damn it!
What happened? What happened?
Vic Scalia happened!
Come on, come on! He's buried, I want him!
Yeah, come on, big guy!
I want him!
Come on, big guy.
I want him.
Yeah!
(SCREAMING)
What the hell's going on, Santiago?
I had to stop you.
I discovered at the last moment they laid a trap for us, we were set up.
Move it, come on!
I'm going, I'm going, damn it!
Yeah!
They're still tailing us.
Come on, mother! Yeah!
Let's go. Yeah!
Give me a shot, give me a shot!
(SCREAMING)
BORIS: I got the sucker!
That was our only connection to the goods.
Oh, yeah.
On a tragic note,
attorney Vic Scalia was killed today
when his vehicle crashed over a mountainous cliff
and burst into flames.
Scalia was famous for his successful defense of alleged criminals.
Oh, God, no!
Scalia was killed when his car overturned
after plummeting 30 feet off Angeles National Highway.
Get off, bitch!
Apparently a malfunction in the steering
sent Scalia's car down the mountainous hillside to his burning death.
(CRYING)
Dino, what are you doing here?
Give me the baby!
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh. Stupid!
Oh, no, you don't, you don't. You're not going anywhere!
Sophia, I got to go, huh? It's business.
Business? What a shit face.
You can't even wash a baby!
Why did I ever marry a stronzo like you, huh?
Oh, God, forgive me!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, yeah, that big boy!
MAN ON RADIO: The car found burning at the bottom of
the Angeles National Highway
is owned by attorney, Vic Scalia.
And now, back to much more music.
Get out!
Hey.
Damn fucking asshole.
You can't leave me here!
Scalia dead.
Fuck!
What could've happened?
MAN: Hey.
Idiot!
(SHUSHING) I've been trying to call you.
Lines have been busy or something. I... I can't...
Fifty-fifty? Fifty-fifty.
Fifty-fifty.
Fifty-fifty.
Not bad, 50-50.
(LAUGHING)
Remember, we still have a deal, 50-50!
Into the car, get in here!
Come here!
Come here! Sit down!
Well, well, well.
What dangerous little games you play, huh?
You know what happens to people
that play nasty little games with me?
I want my property, no games, and I want it now.
In vino veritas.
You know the old saying, "In wine truth."
Perhaps it's the same with super unleaded.
You may indicate when you're ready to speak.
Fuck you!
Your cigarette!
Don't shoot, you idiots!
Go for him! Go for him!
Sophia, you fat assed, fuck!
Open this fucking door now!
Oh!
Sophia.
(LAUGHING)
KATHY: Seventy-thirty, okay, Louie, we got a deal?
Hmm, nice.
Who gets the 30, doll face?
Oh, Louie, you get 30 percent for only two hours work.
Now, isn't that more than fair?
Oh, who's talking about fair?
Louie, Louie, look, we'll get the job done
and then we can go to my house and be together all night long, okay?
You don't seem too broke up about your boyfriend,
you little slut, hmm?
Hey, look, if there's one thing Vic Scalia taught me
it's never let my emotions get in the way of my business,
(EXCLAIMING)
Baby, you make me so hot!
Look, Louie, if you don't think you can do the job, I...
Hey, nobody gets into that safe
except charming Louie Gerardo,
the da Vinci of safe crackers.
If they don't fry, in gas they die!
Louie, we've got to go get the merchandise,
we're not the only ones who know where it is.
How much, baby doll?
All right, 60-40.
Come on, Louie, pretty soon there's not going to be anything left to divide!
Sixty-forty.
All right, 50-50, you damned weasel!
Ah, it's a deal.
Let's seal it with a kiss, sweetheart.
All right, go on.
Okay.
Maybe you made the safe too well.
Listen, tootsie, I built it, I can break it.
Oh, yeah!
Okay.
Get the stuff!
Come on, Louie, get the suitcases!
Go, go!
Well, well, well.
And I thought the famous Louie the Crack Gerardo,
my mentor, my teacher, was in retirement!
Just think of it.
I brought my instruments, but Louie the guru
has made the break in much easier.
I must thank you, Louie.
Lucky for you, you couldn't break into a sweat!
I can break into any safe, Louie, you know that.
You couldn't crack a smile.
Oh, you're hurting me, Louie.
You're not a burglar,
you're a bungler.
And you have a sense of humor, I like that in a man.
Louie!
(SCREAMING)
LOUIE: See? I told you, you were a bungler.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You stay here with the suitcases, doll face,
I'll go check it out.
I'm not staying here by myself.
Oh, no, you don't!
Go upstairs and get the suitcases, doll face, I'll cover you.
You got to be nuts!
Louie, you should have retired.
An old fart like you should be bundled up in a robe and slippers
and ready to die.
Real cute.
Here's something for your retirement, pal!
(LAUGHING)
Louie always was a colorful guy.
So, uh...
It's just you and me now.
Huh, Buckley?
That's right, baby.
I've been watching you, Buckley.
I've been watching you too.
So, what do you say?
Fifty-fifty?
Fifty-fifty.
I knew you would see the light.
I knew in the end you'd fly away with me to Acapulco.
Oh, Rio, darling, Rio.
Oh, you fucking vamp!
When you get to hell,
give my regards to Vic Scalia.
(GUN FIRES)
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Hey, man, come on, come on, man,
do you think I would really shoot at you?
It's all a mistake, man, I wasn't really trying. Come on.
How dare you? Come on.
(LAUGHING)
Time is eternal in hell, baby.
You don't need no stinking watch where you're going.
Wrong asshole!
I need it all the time so I know when to fuck your fat-assed wife!
Give me the fucking... No!
You and my wife, Sophia. No!
I know her intimately. In and out!
No!
And up and down!
Fuck you, I'll kill you!
No, no, Kathy, please, for Sophia.
Fuck, Sophia.
For my baby. That's not fair.
Yes, yes, yes, it is. Come on.
We'll split, you and me, 50-50.
Fuck you! Look, you need me.
I can dump the stuff at a top price.
(GUN CLICKING)
(GASPING)
You was gonna kill me, wasn't you?
No, no, I was only kidding.
I was only kidding! Oh, well, I ain't kidding.
What kind of a woman are you, you were gonna kill a baby's papa?
No.
(SCREAMING)
You fat ass, Guinea whop.
I hope your virgin angel raises the kid well.
She knows who the father is and it ain't you!
Ciao!
Put the suitcases down.
Put 'em down, Kathy.
You leave me no choice
but to kill you.
You took the words right out of my mouth, Jed.
I didn't even pull the trigger.
Oh, thank God, you are alive!
Don't worry, baby, I'm back with you now.
Run!
Louie's been here, right?
Let's go.
(YELLING)
Ah, nice shooting.
Oh, this is murder on my nerves.
(SCREAMING)
Hey, what is this, a rest home? Get up, you idiot!
He's dead, Boris.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
It's them!
Yeah, they'll never get away from us in that heap.
(CLAMORING)
Son of a bitch! Fucking go!
I think we lost them.
Honey, you did it!
Oh, I really thought you were dead,
but I should have known.
I should have guessed my genius would figure out a way
to get rid of all the partners
so that we could keep all the goods to ourselves!
Wrong, wrong, wrong, we are not keeping anything!
We are taking everything to the police.
This has become a matter of National Security.
Police? What are you crazy?
National Security?
What are you, a sappy patriot or a shrewd businessman?
Look, I may be a lawyer and I may be a thief,
and I don't know which is worse,
but there are some things I just will not do!
Now, come on, we've got to ditch this van.
Help me find a car with the keys still in it.
I don't understand. What could you be thinking?
All of our work, it's just going to be wasted.
Sweetheart, we don't have another choice.
Don Santiago discovered that our client
was an international hi-tech espionage syndicate
who sells military secrets to the highest bidder.
Well, their agent stole the plans
for the avionic system of a new jet fighter,
puts them on microfilm
and then sticks 'em in a safe deposit box in our bank.
The guy dies of a heart attack,
so they got to figure out a way to get the stuff out of there!
And what happened to Don Santiago?
He was the charred body they found in my Mercedes.
The police won't even know it's not me
until the coroner does extra tests.
I got real lucky.
Well, thank God!
Can't we just hot wire one of these?
I'm an attorney, not a car thief!
Now what?
I say we take everything right now and deliver it to the police.
Are you crazy?
They're gonna arrest us on the spot.
We robbed a bank, remember?
Sweetheart, don't worry, they won't find us,
just all the stolen property.
Look, I say we take the van
and we dump it in a conspicuous location,
then we call the police.
When the police get there and find the van
they'll discover that it was registered to Buckley
and as soon as they find out Buckley is dead,
they'll close the file on the case.
Come on, let's find a phone.
Police.
I want you to listen very closely.
There is a van parked at the corner of
Sixth and Alvarado Streets, in downtown L.A.
Inside the van are four suitcases,
the suitcases contain all the stolen goods
from the safe deposit boxes at the bank.
So, you witnessed a robbery?
Well, not quite, I'm the perpetrator.
Per who?
The robber, I'm the robber.
Oh, yeah, and I'm Omar Khadafi.
I'm serious!
And now you want to turn it all in.
Yes, that's right. Listen fellow,
I'm sure you've got a beautiful family,
a sexy wife, three gorgeous children, one of each.
Don't you think they deserve the fruits of your labor?
I'm serious, you putz!
So am I.
You know, I think you ought to keep the bundle.
Take my advice.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, shit, when did they make phone sex illegal?
Alive, you idiot, alive!
All right, all right.
I'm going to call the FCC.
I want my $2 back!
Hello?
Hello?
Damn it, how do they keep finding us?
(INAUDIBLE)
Immigration!
Got 'em. All right.
Look out!
One thirty-two. One thirty-two.
What are you talking about?
My pulse! It's racing.
I think I'm having a deja vu!
(GASPING) Look out, Vic.
One forty-nine.
One forty-nine.
Oh, yeah? How about a 357?
The jig is up, Scalia, you're finished! Out!
Yeah, no funny stuff, we got you, huh?
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot, gringo.
Senor, we're going to go back to Tijuana.
Who the hell are you?
Nobody, senor, just nobody.
Senor, just me and my nobody friend.
(MEN CLAMORING)
Damn it! Damn it.
You in the van, out with your hands up!
Hey, what do we do? Do we give ourselves up?
Do we have a choice?
Out with your hands up!
Shit, the cops got 'em.
Yeah, not if we can help it.
We can go, we can go now!
I think we should lay low for a few minutes.
Oh, thank God, I'm ready to throw up!
Think the coast is clear?
Honey, can we just stay here just a little bit longer?
Please?
Honey, we've got a hitchhiker.
Oh, shit!
You said you were gonna give the suitcases to the first cops you saw.
Oh, I know what I said, sweetheart,
but I'm not gonna be the one that deliver them.
If you want to commit suicide, fine, but I'm not gonna be a part of it.
Hey, come on, trust me.
Whoever said crime didn't pay would have been kidding.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I was wondering if you mind accommodating me for just a moment.
Eh, would you mind standing up, please?
Let's make a deal.
Now you see those policemen sitting in that squad car across the street?
All I want you to do is take these suitcases
and deliver 'em to those cops in that car.
That's all.
Just keep your mouths shut
and this 100 bucks is yours.
Here, boy.
MAN: Excuse us.
Hey, can't you see we are in a break?
Look, this is a lot more important than that sandwich.
DISPATCHER: One-twelve, Fourth and Main...
Buddy, I got news for you.
Hey, that's us.
Come on, let's go.
(GROANING)
Kung fu, huh?
Kung fu!
Kung fu! Give me that bag!
The money!
Thanks, fellows!
All right, what now?
We got to find somebody to take this stuff,
and I mean all of it, back to the police.
I've got it, Chico!
ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hola, this is Chico. That's right,
I'm back out on the road!
But let me see, so leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Look, Chico, this is Vic Scalia,
I need to see you right away.
I'm at the...
Safari Inn,
it's 249 8th Street.
Look, I'll book a room, I'll wait for you there.
It's extremely urgent.
When is he coming? Who knows?
He's some kind of star burglar.
He leaves his answering machine on to record his assignments.
(LAUGHING)
Is that tracking device working?
I think so.
They've got to be around here somewhere.
You nervous?
Yeah, a little bit.
Come here, honey, I'll relax you.
Oh!
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey, one more of those, you're a dead duck!
Steady.
Steady!
The game grows thin, Mr. Scalia.
Where's my merchandise?
Where is it?
We gave it to the police.
Bullshit.
It's real simple,
a treasure for a treasure.
Now I'm asking you for the last time.
Where are the suitcases?
Okay.
Huh?
VIC: Wait!
I'll tell you.
The suitcases...
Don't tell him, Vic, don't tell him!
Ah, shut up!
The suitcases are in the van!
You're a fucking liar, we searched the van.
They're not gonna talk, boss.
She's all yours, Jay.
Jay? Jay?
Hey, who the hell are you?
Super Chicano, asshole!
(SCREAMING)
You missed.
Let's get out of here!
(SCREAMING)
Vic, you all right?
Get me out of here.
Hey, you'll do anything for attention.
Hey, hey. Thank you.
Oh, sorry.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hey, thanks a lot, amigo.
Yeah, you're welcome, gringo.
Hey, but what in Santa Madre de Dios is happening?
I need you, Chico.
Far out? A job! When do we start?
We already did the job.
Oh, man!
It was only a small job, Chico, not Bank of America,
and we've got to turn everything we stole back into the police,
and you're just the man to do it for me.
What?
You want me to return the money from the bank to the police?
Come on, Chico!
They'll lock me up for the rest of my life!
I'm worried about you!
All right, Chico, I want you to put these in your car,
drive directly to the Burbank Police Station,
see Captain Morgan, the head of major crimes.
You remember him.
Whatever you say, Vic. But what am I going to say to Captain Morgan?
He's gonna think I'm out to breakfast.
Tell him you got a call from Buckley.
Tell him Buckley left you
four suitcases with all the stolen goods
from the bank heist he pulled.
Okay.
Who's gonna keep Buckley off my ass?
Well, don't worry about Buckley, pal.
He's not in such a good shot anymore.
Dead?
Muerto.
Hey, we'll meet you at the same place near Griffith Park, okay?
Are you gonna follow me?
No, no, if we go in convoy, it'll look suspicious.
Hey, gringo?
You sure this is okay?
Hey, relax, amigo,
you've always got Vic Scalia's legal services at your side.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Look out, here I go!
(CAR HORN HONKING)
You should get the guy who threw me out of his car.
What do I look like, a stunt hooker?
MAN: Look, lady, I'm sorry, but I can't help you.
Unless you got the license number of the car
that smashed up your donut shop,
there's no way that I can identify him.
Okay, well, give me your address
and I'll try to check it out.
Listen, lady, we'll do what we can,
but you got to understand
we got a whole lot more important cases down here to investigate.
Look, lady, I'd like to help you, but I can't.
The Downtown Station just called
and they found a whole warehouse full of dead bodies
that we've got to go investigate.
We'll get to your problem as soon as possible.
Now, how can I help you, sir?
You look like you're kind of busy,
I'll come back on your day off.
Wait a minute!
Don't I know you from someplace?
Thanks anyway!
Hey, hold it right there!
Adios, amigo! Look out!
Hey, stop him!
Sorry.
Come on, come on, go, go! Come on, come on.
Use the whip, use the whip! I got it, I got it!
Another five dollars.
Thank you!
Okay, I'll give you three-to-one odds on the little kid on the red shirt.
Forget about it, you cleaned me out.
Oh!
Where the hell is Chico?
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Halloween, Chico?
No. Wanted.
Chico, master of the disguise.
Can you believe this shit, man?
A little job, small bank. Nada East L.A. bullshit.
They make a big deal out of it.
Sorry, I forgot to tell you, about it.
Good picture, though, huh? Lovely.
Where's the stuff?
Oh, with Rodriguez, my friend.
Don't worry, esta muy safe in his restaurant. El Taco Kiosc.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hey, hey, how do we find this Rodriguez guy?
Echo Park!
How do you feel about Mexican food?
Excuse me, are you Rodriguez?
Senor Rodriguez?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
What can Rodriguez do for you today?
Well, we came for the suitcases.
Suitcases? KATHY: Si, si.
No, no, amigo.
Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't understand. It's okay.
We're friends of Chico's, he sent us.
No, amigo, no, no, no, no, no.
Now, if there's anything else can Rodriguez do for you?
I can cook for you, tacos, enchiladas,
tamales, frijoles, chili.
All right, some chimichangas!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Is he gonna be okay in there?
He'll be fine.
Yeah, come on.
This is crazy, we can't keep driving around like this!
We've got to stash this stuff!
I know just the place.
I can't find an empty locker!
I know, they're just like cops,
you never find one when you need one.
Hey!
Shit!
Yeah, yeah, take it!
Help! Police! Thief! Stealing my suitcase!
Very much apology, kind sir,
but wife very angry if I return from trip with no gift.
I've had it, I'm exhausted!
Nobody ever said crime was easy.
Wait a minute! That's it.
That's the answer!
What, honey?
We'll return the stolen goods to the place they came from,
to the safe deposit boxes.
There is no safer place than that!
That's right, that's right, that's a brilliant idea!
Ready? Yeah.
Look, I don't like the idea of sending you in there alone.
Oh, come on, I'm a big girl, I did it before.
I'll just do it reverse.
Good luck, baby.
And, Kathy... What?
Leave all the merchandise.
Can you hear me?
VIC: Loud and clear, baby. Are you okay?
Great, talk to you later.
Here you go.
Kathy...
Kathy, I'm getting worried. What's going on?
Don't worry, honey, everything's going smoothly.
All the suitcases are back.
(SIGHS)
Kathy, Kathy, come in, it's urgent.
(HUMMING)
Kathy, answer me!
What is it, honey?
Get out of there now!
Those guys who were following us just entered the storm drain.
Okay, I'll take cover.
It's got to be around here somewhere.
Kathy, where are you?
I'm on my way back!
Be careful, they're in there.
(GUN FIRES)
Kathy?
Kathy?
Kathy why aren't you answering me?
Can you hear me?
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(GUN FIRES)
Oh, Vic, Vic!
Are you trying to kill me?
(SOBBING)
(GUN FIRES)
Are you all right?
Next time I drive.
(EXCLAIMING)
Look.
What is that?
It's a transmitter.
That's how they kept on finding us!
Come on, we've got to keep 'em down there.
All right, let's go.
KATHY: You drive around and I'll back you in, all right?
Come on, Vic, they're here. A little to the left!
(HONKING)
Come on, take it out!
Come on, straight back!
Okay, okay, move it a little bit farther, come on, move it!
That's good, that's good!
Police? There's a robbery in progress
at the Monument Security Bank on Wilshire Boulevard.
The thieves are looking for the plans of a sophisticated
avionics device of a new American military jet.
You've got to get there right away.
You did it?
In other news, there was a burglary attempt made today
at the Monument Security Bank.
Burglars traveled through the extensive storm drain network
below the bank and cut a hole into the vault.
Their ingenious plan was foiled however
and the burglars fled
leaving behind all the contents of the safety deposit boxes
in four suitcases.
In other news, a hijacker with explosives strapped to his back
blew himself up after failing to force the domestic...
The police didn't catch 'em!
Well, of course they didn't take any of the contents of the suitcases,
they found exactly what they were looking for.
They stole the plans and they left!
After all of this,
we failed, we blew it.
Honey, look on the bright side.
We're still alive.
Honey, if I tell you something,
you promise you won't get angry?
VIC: What?
I couldn't possibly be any angrier than I am now.
Okay.
I stole a bracelet.
Just one, just this one. Just one little...
Thanks, lady, that's exactly what we're looking for!
(GUN FIRES)
Come on, let's get the bracelet and get out of here!
Good luck. Which one's got the microfilm?
I don't know, it's got to be one of them.
Here, just take 'em all!
Come on! Not so fast.
Kathy?
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)
Is everything okay, Mr. Scalia?
Everything's fine, Moshe. Just keep 'em coming.
Mr. Scalia,
I always knew you were the right man for the job.
Hand it over.
I see you got a new toy, dick head.
I want the microfilm.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Kathy? Baby.
How?
My souvenir from the job stopped the bullet.
Thank God you're a thief.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING) Thank God I had a great teacher!
That's the cops. Come on, let's get out of here!
OFFICER: Freeze! Get your hands up!
(LAUGHING)
Chico! Chico!
Buenas noches, civilians.
How do you like my new disguise?
Eh?
Since this is a special occasion,
I decided to borrow a little something
from the suitcases.
For your engagement.
Well, honey,
I guess it is time I make out an honest woman of you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
♪ Blue skies
♪ Cool summer breeze
♪ Feeling of the road beneath my wheels
♪ It's all right
♪ Taking it day by day
♪ I'm trying to keep the devil off my heels
♪ You can lose control
♪ If things get out of hand
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ It's a hard way to go
♪ If everybody knows
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ Gotta hold the line
♪ Gotta watch for warning signs
♪ Did they turn you in when the game is growing thin
♪ Hold on tight
♪ You might find
♪ It's slipping through your fingers like the wind
♪ You can lose control
♪ If things get out of hand
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ It's a hard way to go
♪ And everybody knows
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain ♪
♪ Cool summer breeze
♪ The feeling of the road beneath my wheels
♪ It's all right
♪ Taking it day by day
♪ I'm trying to keep the devil off my heels
♪ Lose control
♪ If things get out of hand
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ It's a hard way to go
♪ But everybody knows
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
(CAR PHONE RINGING)
Scalia.
Oh, Harry, for Christ's sake, relax, it's only a drug bust.
Look, Harry, you got my word, it's a guaranteed acquittal.
Harry, I've smoked a joint or two with the judge myself.
Believe me, it's in the bag!
Well, if it makes you feel better,
fax me the document right away,
I'll have to look at it, okay?
Harry, Harry, calm down.
Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
No, I better scratch that, morning's no good.
Make it 3:00 in the afternoon.
Hey, no sweat, buddy, pay me when you can.
And Harry, you owe me.
♪ You gotta watch for warning signs
♪ Did they turn you in when the game is growing thin
♪ Hold on tight and you might find
♪ It's slipping through your fingers like the wind
♪ Lose control if things get out of hand
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ It's a hard way to go
♪ And everybody knows
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain ♪
Kathy?
Honey?
Kathy?
Sweetheart, where are you?
Kathy?
Wait.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Where is it? Where is it?
Hey, take it easy, take it easy.
Stop!
Okay, okay.
Happy birthday, baby.
Oh, honey.
Oh, that's so beautiful!
What do you think?
I think you're a jewelry junkie.
You look beautiful.
They're bright.
When are you going to settle down and make an honest woman out of me, huh?
Soon, honey, very soon.
Oh, sure.
It's only been two years, your soon is forever.
When Mr. Vic Scalia?
Well, just as soon as I figure out what honesty is, sweetheart.
You're a rotten son of a bitch, you know that?
But that's why I love you.
(MOANING)
ANCHORMAN: We take you now to the Downtown Criminal Court Building.
Oh, look, I want to see this!
Where Jeb Stewart, infamous underworld cat burglar
known as the Electric Intruder was earlier this afternoon,
acquitted of all felonious counts.
Tricia Pagoda has the story.
Stewart is now coming down the steps
joined by his renewed attorney Victor Scalia
who has won 18 of his last 20 cases in this courtroom
and is rumored to, in special cases,
not even accept payment from his clients.
Here they are now.
How does it feel to be a free man?
(LAUGHING)
Vic Scalia got another one off the hook.
I get 'em all off, baby.
Oh, don't brag!
Hey, what about the nickel and dime shoplifting charge I got you off?
Remember how we met?
Big deal, you played poker with the judge all night.
Big deal? You bet your ass it was a big deal.
I dropped 50 grand to that judge just to get you an acquittal.
It's a brilliant defense.
Well, I guess I still owe you, huh?
Hey.
You the guys that ordered the crane?
Yeah, that's us, my man.
Where's the construction site?
Hey, construct this, you mook!
Dino, Dino. Cool it!
Here's the papers, my man.
I don't recognize that signature.
Oh, no?
Well, maybe you recognize this.
Oh, look what we've got here.
Dino, Dino. Dino!
(GROANING)
You low life shit face skinny fuck,
I can't take you nowhere!
Now, how many times I've got to tell you?
We are professionals,
not grave robbers!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
What the fuck do you know, man?
This is a scuba diver Omega, man.
This is big time underwater shit!
You know my Sofia's brother Franco from Capri?
He's been looking for two years to steal one of these things,
and I got it.
You don't know nothing, man!
Hey, grazie.
I do more than dream!
(PHONE RINGING)
Yes? BUCKLEY: It's me.
Hey, Buckley, what's happening?
The idiot whop and I got the crane.
Great!
Now, the Feds should be making the transfer around 2:00 p.m.
Be ready.
You got it.
Who's that?
It's Tom Dart.
Oh, poor lawyer Vic is still pouting over his losses.
(SNICKERING)
Not for long, sweetheart.
This guy's too good to do time,
he's got a doctorate in safe cracking.
Buckley and Carpatti are taking care of him right now.
Let's bring him out to the car.
Nice day for a funeral.
Shut up and keep walking.
Better check out the car, I don't trust his friends.
Move a muscle and you're dead.
Hey, hey, you idiot, he's getting away!
Hey, no, don't shoot, you'll hit Joe.
See you later, suckers!
Buckle up.
No way.
I'm not getting no ticket and screwing up this operation,
now, buckle up!
I'm a free man.
Hey, Buckley, you idiot, wait for me!
Gentlemen, these are the storm drain networks
in the area of the Monument Security Bank,
located at the corner of Wilshire Boulevard and La Cienega.
I don't even know who our client is.
All I know is that we are to empty the contents
of every safe deposit box in the bank and deliver it to our client.
And the only obstacle I can foresee is the thick concrete floor below the vault.
Hey, you've got it upside down, idiot!
Jed.
Jed.
Mr. Stewart.
(SCREAMING)
Now, you all know Tom Dart, the best in the business.
He'll be cracking the safes.
Carpatti is in charge of the equipment.
Stewart, computer and electronics.
Buckley, you're head of operations and Kathy communications.
(LAUGHING) That's good, communications.
(SIREN BLARING)
You blew it, boss!
(LAUGHING)
If you think I got you an acquittal
so you can screw around with infantile electronic games,
you can think again, pal!
And that goes for all of you, is that understood?
Now, this tunnel took a long time to dig,
it comes up directly under the vault
containing the safe deposit boxes.
Big fucking deal!
Yeah, the place is brand new.
Practically virgin.
Probably all empty.
What gives, Scalia?
Well, you all know the rules,
we never ask any questions and this time it's no different.
I'll share a little secret with you, guys.
This time we're working on contingency.
"Cont" what?
The "if come."
Sounds different to me.
Twenty million dollars, Carpatti.
Is that different enough for you?
Okay, now that I have your undivided attention, here's the deal.
We break into the bank,
steal all the contents of every safe deposit box,
we turn it over to the client,
and if the client finds what he's looking for,
then it's easy city boys for the rest of our lives.
But that means no souvenirs for anyone, is that clear?
But what if he doesn't find what he's looking for?
Well, then we get to keep the contents of the safe deposit boxes,
either way we win.
Any questions?
Yeah, when?
My kid needs milk.
Tomorrow, Friday the 13th at 1900 hours,
exactly one hour after the bank closes.
The robbery won't be reported till Monday morning,
by that time the transaction with the client should be completed
and we'll all be several million dollars richer, gentlemen.
And then we'll all celebrate at Dino and Sofia's
and raise our glasses to welcome Dino Jr.
Hey, salute, that's good.
Hey, Dino. Hmm?
You know something? What?
I don't think it's your kid.
(LAUGHING)
And I don't think that's funny!
Hey, stop it!
What's with you?
You got a date with a sewer rat?
Fuck it, Buckley!
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Hey, Carpatti, get out there and get rid of 'em.
Why me?
Get out there.
What, what, there seems to be a little bit of a problem over here?
You think this is a damned parking lot?
No, we are working over here.
You know if I bumped into this after I just painted my car,
I'd punch you so hard I'd kill your whole family.
Get out of here!
You better turn around.
You're gonna hurt somebody.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Why did you do that, huh?
Hey, hey, come on back, I'll break your face.
That'll teach you to mess with me!
Shut the fuck up!
Yes, come on, come on!
Come on.
Come on. Yeah.
Come on, move it.
Hey, move it, pal! Right away, officer.
Get it going.
MAN: Hey, out of the street, asshole!
How we doing, fellows?
KATHY: Vic, we're on schedule.
Great, good luck, and remember,
nobody takes anything, no matter how tempting,
or they're dead meat, capisce?
(ALL CHATTERING)
Gee, it stinks here!
What'd you expect, it's a sewer!
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
I'm driving. Like hell you are.
Hey. Hey. Get out of there!
Drive this!
Let's go.
That's not fair, I'm supposed to be the equipment man!
(SWEARING IN ITALIAN)
Hey, wait for me!
Vic. Vic, you there?
Hurry up, sweetheart, you're behind schedule.
If he thinks it's so easy,
let him come down into this shit hole and do the job!
Nobody told me I'd be digging in dirt!
Okay, come on.
Hey, give me a hand, man, I'm stuck!
So much for a perfect planning.
Suck it in, Dino, suck it in!
I'll help, first, drink the soda.
(BURPING)
Good, come on!
Would you mind?
Everybody ready?
Yeah! Yeah!
You sure you're ready?
(CLAMORING)
Nice job, Dart.
Hey, Dart, you missed one.
High tech snafus,
give me molars anytime.
Hey, these are mine.
Come on, Dino, come on.
Empty.
Most of 'em empty, crap!
Will you shut up?
Every job you bitch and moan and complain!
You wanna bitch? Bitch with your bitch!
Shut up and do your job!
Hey, fuck, you know enough is...
Hey, get to work! Period!
Hmm, interesting.
Yes, sir, very nice.
Blackmail, I bet. See, here's the negatives.
This may be what we're after.
Oh, my, oh, look at the tits of this bitch, Jesus.
Oh, oh, turn the page.
Hold it, you guys stop jerking off,
everything goes in these suitcases, everything!
Oh, I'm beginning to like this job.
It's like when I open up somebody else's mail.
What, coupons?
What the hell are these doing here?
Are you crazy?
See, a dollar off on Pampers,
my Sophia can get double on these at our market!
Everything in the suitcase, asshole!
Oh, Erotica 21, my favorite perfume!
Oh, God!
No exceptions, in the bag, baby.
Why would somebody want to keep a bottle of perfume in a safety deposit box, anyway?
Are you kidding?
This stuff is 700 bucks an ounce,
this is Princess Di's favorite!
Oh, yeah?
Well, la-di-da.
It won't help, Buckley, shit is shit.
All right, time, let's get out of here!
Whoops, whoops, whoops, what do we have here?
Everything, sweetness, this too!
We can always work it out in trade.
Buckley, you got a dick for a brain.
(URINATING)
Hey, Dart, what the hell are you doing?
This is a bank, we just made a withdrawal,
I'll leave a deposit.
Come on!
Vic, we are on our way back,
we'll be at the manhole in four minutes.
Great, I'm on the way.
Uh, uh. What?
You always forget.
Thanks for reminding me.
This safe was designed by Willy Gerardo,
a master safe cracker.
It takes a thief to catch a thief, baby.
Hey!
Just window shopping.
Stewey, kill him.
Come on, let him know what it feels like for a change.
Kick his ass, Stewey!
Yeah, yes, 20 bucks, baby!
Ah, fuck you!
Okay, okay, everybody did a great job.
I'm real proud of you.
Now, nobody leaves town, everyone keeps their beepers on.
Now it's the time we deliver
and I mean everything, you got it?
All right, all ready, come on, we've heard that!
Everything, everything, everything.
We've heard that, it'll be there!
What the hell you think we are, thieves?
Fuck, don't you ever shut up?
Man, I'm so tired of your...
Hey, what the fuck.
Hey.
What if this was precisely the item our client was searching for?
What if this is exactly what we went to all this trouble to get?
Then you could have just ruined everything for us all.
Asshole!
Strip him!
Come on, no, guys, this is not necessary, men.
Come on, no, man. Hey, hey.
Put the stuff on the table.
Come on, please. Come on, please.
No, look, look, just...
Just one for Sophia, man, huh, come on the Gucci, huh?
You don't understand, man, I can't go home empty-handed.
I ain't asking you for the Cartier, for Christ's sake man.
Sophia's gonna cut my balls.
Ought to cut them off for you, salami piece of shit!
Asshole, 20 million dollars at stake
and you jerk off to a Gucci trinket!
Get out of here!
Something wrong with your foot, Dart?
A little injury during the break in?
It's a bunion, I have tight shoes.
I'll fix it up, don't worry.
Oh, well, let's have a look.
Boys, let's look at Mr. Dart's feet.
I don't think...
I ran out of bags.
Get out of here!
Can you believe that guy?
Boss,
I couldn't help myself.
I'll stay in touch, huh?
Et tu, Stewart?
BUCKLEY: Jesus!
I mean, I can't believe these scumbag pieces of shit!
You can't trust anybody!
Oh, hell, I'm out of here. I'll see you later.
Boss, Kathy.
Buckley! Yes, sir.
Not so fast.
I know all your tricks, Buckley, get over here.
Now, drop your pants and bend over.
Oh, not that, Boss. Do it! Now!
Not that. Right there!
In front of her?
Kathy, turn around.
Move, bend over and spread 'em!
Come on, Boss, I thought you trusted me!
Geez, this is so embarrassing, man, I can...
(GASPING)
Eureka!
Oh, Boss, I don't know what got into me.
This is what got into you.
I don't know which one of you is worse.
Get out of here!
Right.
Can you believe those guys? I can't believe that!
Sometimes I think the whole fucking world is going crazy!
(SIGHING)
Kathy. What?
What's that in your hand?
Nothing.
Let me see. What?
Give me it!
I've got to have them, please!
Give me those.
Where are they?
This is great, I just don't understand you people.
For a few thousand dollars you're willing to risk millions.
All right, what else you got?
Oh!
All right, that's it.
Strip.
Now!
♪ Nobody sees you like I do
♪ Give me your best
♪ Nobody knows you like I do
♪ I wanna see all the rest
♪ Girl, you make me sweat
♪ When I watch what you do
♪ Babe, you're looking good
♪ From my point of view
♪ Baby, show me
♪ Everything you've got
♪ Whoa!
♪ Come on, baby
♪ Baby, show me
♪ I like you a lot
♪ You're the cream of the crop
♪ You ain't no girl next door
♪ So throws your things on the floor
♪ And show me
♪ Nobody wants you like I do
♪ Now, now
♪ Nobody treats you like I do
♪ So don't mess around
♪ Girl, don't make me guess
♪ Don't make me plead
♪ Get it off of your chest
♪ 'Cause you know what I need ♪
Oh, come on, Kathy, no more games,
give me the ankle bracelet.
Vic, you gave it to me, remember?
After the Milton Milton heist.
I'm sorry, baby, how could I forget?
Don Santiago, what a nice surprise!
Long time no see.
Just a minute, I'll tell him you're here.
Victor? Yes?
Don Santiago.
Send him right in.
Go right ahead.
Victor, my friend.
Don Santiago, welcome.
Well?
I've secured the merchandise as promised and I'm ready to make delivery.
Good.
What's the next move?
12:30 p.m. today, my office at the quarry,
you will take the client to see the stuff.
And the payoff?
As we discussed, if the client says it's a go,
the $20 million is yours.
Well, it sounds like we have a deal.
(CAR PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Vic, where are you?
Hi, sweetheart, just on the way to the quarry.
Honey, I'm afraid.
I can't put my finger on it,
but I just know something's wrong.
Oh, relax, baby, everything's going exactly as scheduled.
Don't worry.
I love you. I'll talk to you soon.
Hello?
Hello?
Having a little change of heart, Don?
Oh, come on, I just make a phone call. I...
Get his ass in the car.
Come on, get in!
Turn around!
You will do exactly as we tell you to do.
When your friend arrives you let him know all is well,
call him over.
When he feels safe,
send him inside.
Make one wrong move and...
Boom!
(LAUGHING)
All set?
(STAMMERING) Go right on in. Rogers is waiting for you.
Everything all right?
Hey, at last we meet,
big criminal lawyer Vic Scalia.
Let's get down to business, Rogers.
Yeah, my friends call me Dick.
I'm not surprised.
You know, I think you brought great luck to our deal.
Why's that?
Just as you walked through the door I solved the puzzle.
I cracked the cube. It's a good sign, no?
You've got the goods? Of course.
Every item? Well, I think so.
Where's the stuff?
This guy...
What do you think I was born yesterday, Dick?
Shall we take my car?
No, thanks, I'll drive.
Fine.
Now, boss?
Let's go.
What's your hurry?
Don Santiago, I'll be in touch.
I really appreciate your help, take care.
I better. Good luck.
Vic.
Be very careful.
BORIS ON RADIO: Peter.
Yeah, boss. Do you read me?
Yeah, I read you, I read you.
Listen, finish him off after we've gone,
we'll follow Rogers in the Caddie.
I hear you.
This deal should make you a rich man.
I'm already a rich man.
So what's in it for you?
Call it a hobby.
Vic, watch out, it's a double cross!
Oh, this is murder on my blood pressure.
Don't shoot at him, jerks, we really need the merchandise!
What? Come on!
I want those goods!
Thanks. Let's get out of here!
Damn it!
What happened? What happened?
Vic Scalia happened!
Come on, come on! He's buried, I want him!
Yeah, come on, big guy!
I want him!
Come on, big guy.
I want him.
Yeah!
(SCREAMING)
What the hell's going on, Santiago?
I had to stop you.
I discovered at the last moment they laid a trap for us, we were set up.
Move it, come on!
I'm going, I'm going, damn it!
Yeah!
They're still tailing us.
Come on, mother! Yeah!
Let's go. Yeah!
Give me a shot, give me a shot!
(SCREAMING)
BORIS: I got the sucker!
That was our only connection to the goods.
Oh, yeah.
On a tragic note,
attorney Vic Scalia was killed today
when his vehicle crashed over a mountainous cliff
and burst into flames.
Scalia was famous for his successful defense of alleged criminals.
Oh, God, no!
Scalia was killed when his car overturned
after plummeting 30 feet off Angeles National Highway.
Get off, bitch!
Apparently a malfunction in the steering
sent Scalia's car down the mountainous hillside to his burning death.
(CRYING)
Dino, what are you doing here?
Give me the baby!
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh. Stupid!
Oh, no, you don't, you don't. You're not going anywhere!
Sophia, I got to go, huh? It's business.
Business? What a shit face.
You can't even wash a baby!
Why did I ever marry a stronzo like you, huh?
Oh, God, forgive me!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, yeah, that big boy!
MAN ON RADIO: The car found burning at the bottom of
the Angeles National Highway
is owned by attorney, Vic Scalia.
And now, back to much more music.
Get out!
Hey.
Damn fucking asshole.
You can't leave me here!
Scalia dead.
Fuck!
What could've happened?
MAN: Hey.
Idiot!
(SHUSHING) I've been trying to call you.
Lines have been busy or something. I... I can't...
Fifty-fifty? Fifty-fifty.
Fifty-fifty.
Fifty-fifty.
Not bad, 50-50.
(LAUGHING)
Remember, we still have a deal, 50-50!
Into the car, get in here!
Come here!
Come here! Sit down!
Well, well, well.
What dangerous little games you play, huh?
You know what happens to people
that play nasty little games with me?
I want my property, no games, and I want it now.
In vino veritas.
You know the old saying, "In wine truth."
Perhaps it's the same with super unleaded.
You may indicate when you're ready to speak.
Fuck you!
Your cigarette!
Don't shoot, you idiots!
Go for him! Go for him!
Sophia, you fat assed, fuck!
Open this fucking door now!
Oh!
Sophia.
(LAUGHING)
KATHY: Seventy-thirty, okay, Louie, we got a deal?
Hmm, nice.
Who gets the 30, doll face?
Oh, Louie, you get 30 percent for only two hours work.
Now, isn't that more than fair?
Oh, who's talking about fair?
Louie, Louie, look, we'll get the job done
and then we can go to my house and be together all night long, okay?
You don't seem too broke up about your boyfriend,
you little slut, hmm?
Hey, look, if there's one thing Vic Scalia taught me
it's never let my emotions get in the way of my business,
(EXCLAIMING)
Baby, you make me so hot!
Look, Louie, if you don't think you can do the job, I...
Hey, nobody gets into that safe
except charming Louie Gerardo,
the da Vinci of safe crackers.
If they don't fry, in gas they die!
Louie, we've got to go get the merchandise,
we're not the only ones who know where it is.
How much, baby doll?
All right, 60-40.
Come on, Louie, pretty soon there's not going to be anything left to divide!
Sixty-forty.
All right, 50-50, you damned weasel!
Ah, it's a deal.
Let's seal it with a kiss, sweetheart.
All right, go on.
Okay.
Maybe you made the safe too well.
Listen, tootsie, I built it, I can break it.
Oh, yeah!
Okay.
Get the stuff!
Come on, Louie, get the suitcases!
Go, go!
Well, well, well.
And I thought the famous Louie the Crack Gerardo,
my mentor, my teacher, was in retirement!
Just think of it.
I brought my instruments, but Louie the guru
has made the break in much easier.
I must thank you, Louie.
Lucky for you, you couldn't break into a sweat!
I can break into any safe, Louie, you know that.
You couldn't crack a smile.
Oh, you're hurting me, Louie.
You're not a burglar,
you're a bungler.
And you have a sense of humor, I like that in a man.
Louie!
(SCREAMING)
LOUIE: See? I told you, you were a bungler.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You stay here with the suitcases, doll face,
I'll go check it out.
I'm not staying here by myself.
Oh, no, you don't!
Go upstairs and get the suitcases, doll face, I'll cover you.
You got to be nuts!
Louie, you should have retired.
An old fart like you should be bundled up in a robe and slippers
and ready to die.
Real cute.
Here's something for your retirement, pal!
(LAUGHING)
Louie always was a colorful guy.
So, uh...
It's just you and me now.
Huh, Buckley?
That's right, baby.
I've been watching you, Buckley.
I've been watching you too.
So, what do you say?
Fifty-fifty?
Fifty-fifty.
I knew you would see the light.
I knew in the end you'd fly away with me to Acapulco.
Oh, Rio, darling, Rio.
Oh, you fucking vamp!
When you get to hell,
give my regards to Vic Scalia.
(GUN FIRES)
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Hey, man, come on, come on, man,
do you think I would really shoot at you?
It's all a mistake, man, I wasn't really trying. Come on.
How dare you? Come on.
(LAUGHING)
Time is eternal in hell, baby.
You don't need no stinking watch where you're going.
Wrong asshole!
I need it all the time so I know when to fuck your fat-assed wife!
Give me the fucking... No!
You and my wife, Sophia. No!
I know her intimately. In and out!
No!
And up and down!
Fuck you, I'll kill you!
No, no, Kathy, please, for Sophia.
Fuck, Sophia.
For my baby. That's not fair.
Yes, yes, yes, it is. Come on.
We'll split, you and me, 50-50.
Fuck you! Look, you need me.
I can dump the stuff at a top price.
(GUN CLICKING)
(GASPING)
You was gonna kill me, wasn't you?
No, no, I was only kidding.
I was only kidding! Oh, well, I ain't kidding.
What kind of a woman are you, you were gonna kill a baby's papa?
No.
(SCREAMING)
You fat ass, Guinea whop.
I hope your virgin angel raises the kid well.
She knows who the father is and it ain't you!
Ciao!
Put the suitcases down.
Put 'em down, Kathy.
You leave me no choice
but to kill you.
You took the words right out of my mouth, Jed.
I didn't even pull the trigger.
Oh, thank God, you are alive!
Don't worry, baby, I'm back with you now.
Run!
Louie's been here, right?
Let's go.
(YELLING)
Ah, nice shooting.
Oh, this is murder on my nerves.
(SCREAMING)
Hey, what is this, a rest home? Get up, you idiot!
He's dead, Boris.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
It's them!
Yeah, they'll never get away from us in that heap.
(CLAMORING)
Son of a bitch! Fucking go!
I think we lost them.
Honey, you did it!
Oh, I really thought you were dead,
but I should have known.
I should have guessed my genius would figure out a way
to get rid of all the partners
so that we could keep all the goods to ourselves!
Wrong, wrong, wrong, we are not keeping anything!
We are taking everything to the police.
This has become a matter of National Security.
Police? What are you crazy?
National Security?
What are you, a sappy patriot or a shrewd businessman?
Look, I may be a lawyer and I may be a thief,
and I don't know which is worse,
but there are some things I just will not do!
Now, come on, we've got to ditch this van.
Help me find a car with the keys still in it.
I don't understand. What could you be thinking?
All of our work, it's just going to be wasted.
Sweetheart, we don't have another choice.
Don Santiago discovered that our client
was an international hi-tech espionage syndicate
who sells military secrets to the highest bidder.
Well, their agent stole the plans
for the avionic system of a new jet fighter,
puts them on microfilm
and then sticks 'em in a safe deposit box in our bank.
The guy dies of a heart attack,
so they got to figure out a way to get the stuff out of there!
And what happened to Don Santiago?
He was the charred body they found in my Mercedes.
The police won't even know it's not me
until the coroner does extra tests.
I got real lucky.
Well, thank God!
Can't we just hot wire one of these?
I'm an attorney, not a car thief!
Now what?
I say we take everything right now and deliver it to the police.
Are you crazy?
They're gonna arrest us on the spot.
We robbed a bank, remember?
Sweetheart, don't worry, they won't find us,
just all the stolen property.
Look, I say we take the van
and we dump it in a conspicuous location,
then we call the police.
When the police get there and find the van
they'll discover that it was registered to Buckley
and as soon as they find out Buckley is dead,
they'll close the file on the case.
Come on, let's find a phone.
Police.
I want you to listen very closely.
There is a van parked at the corner of
Sixth and Alvarado Streets, in downtown L.A.
Inside the van are four suitcases,
the suitcases contain all the stolen goods
from the safe deposit boxes at the bank.
So, you witnessed a robbery?
Well, not quite, I'm the perpetrator.
Per who?
The robber, I'm the robber.
Oh, yeah, and I'm Omar Khadafi.
I'm serious!
And now you want to turn it all in.
Yes, that's right. Listen fellow,
I'm sure you've got a beautiful family,
a sexy wife, three gorgeous children, one of each.
Don't you think they deserve the fruits of your labor?
I'm serious, you putz!
So am I.
You know, I think you ought to keep the bundle.
Take my advice.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, shit, when did they make phone sex illegal?
Alive, you idiot, alive!
All right, all right.
I'm going to call the FCC.
I want my $2 back!
Hello?
Hello?
Damn it, how do they keep finding us?
(INAUDIBLE)
Immigration!
Got 'em. All right.
Look out!
One thirty-two. One thirty-two.
What are you talking about?
My pulse! It's racing.
I think I'm having a deja vu!
(GASPING) Look out, Vic.
One forty-nine.
One forty-nine.
Oh, yeah? How about a 357?
The jig is up, Scalia, you're finished! Out!
Yeah, no funny stuff, we got you, huh?
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot, gringo.
Senor, we're going to go back to Tijuana.
Who the hell are you?
Nobody, senor, just nobody.
Senor, just me and my nobody friend.
(MEN CLAMORING)
Damn it! Damn it.
You in the van, out with your hands up!
Hey, what do we do? Do we give ourselves up?
Do we have a choice?
Out with your hands up!
Shit, the cops got 'em.
Yeah, not if we can help it.
We can go, we can go now!
I think we should lay low for a few minutes.
Oh, thank God, I'm ready to throw up!
Think the coast is clear?
Honey, can we just stay here just a little bit longer?
Please?
Honey, we've got a hitchhiker.
Oh, shit!
You said you were gonna give the suitcases to the first cops you saw.
Oh, I know what I said, sweetheart,
but I'm not gonna be the one that deliver them.
If you want to commit suicide, fine, but I'm not gonna be a part of it.
Hey, come on, trust me.
Whoever said crime didn't pay would have been kidding.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I was wondering if you mind accommodating me for just a moment.
Eh, would you mind standing up, please?
Let's make a deal.
Now you see those policemen sitting in that squad car across the street?
All I want you to do is take these suitcases
and deliver 'em to those cops in that car.
That's all.
Just keep your mouths shut
and this 100 bucks is yours.
Here, boy.
MAN: Excuse us.
Hey, can't you see we are in a break?
Look, this is a lot more important than that sandwich.
DISPATCHER: One-twelve, Fourth and Main...
Buddy, I got news for you.
Hey, that's us.
Come on, let's go.
(GROANING)
Kung fu, huh?
Kung fu!
Kung fu! Give me that bag!
The money!
Thanks, fellows!
All right, what now?
We got to find somebody to take this stuff,
and I mean all of it, back to the police.
I've got it, Chico!
ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hola, this is Chico. That's right,
I'm back out on the road!
But let me see, so leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Look, Chico, this is Vic Scalia,
I need to see you right away.
I'm at the...
Safari Inn,
it's 249 8th Street.
Look, I'll book a room, I'll wait for you there.
It's extremely urgent.
When is he coming? Who knows?
He's some kind of star burglar.
He leaves his answering machine on to record his assignments.
(LAUGHING)
Is that tracking device working?
I think so.
They've got to be around here somewhere.
You nervous?
Yeah, a little bit.
Come here, honey, I'll relax you.
Oh!
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey, one more of those, you're a dead duck!
Steady.
Steady!
The game grows thin, Mr. Scalia.
Where's my merchandise?
Where is it?
We gave it to the police.
Bullshit.
It's real simple,
a treasure for a treasure.
Now I'm asking you for the last time.
Where are the suitcases?
Okay.
Huh?
VIC: Wait!
I'll tell you.
The suitcases...
Don't tell him, Vic, don't tell him!
Ah, shut up!
The suitcases are in the van!
You're a fucking liar, we searched the van.
They're not gonna talk, boss.
She's all yours, Jay.
Jay? Jay?
Hey, who the hell are you?
Super Chicano, asshole!
(SCREAMING)
You missed.
Let's get out of here!
(SCREAMING)
Vic, you all right?
Get me out of here.
Hey, you'll do anything for attention.
Hey, hey. Thank you.
Oh, sorry.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hey, thanks a lot, amigo.
Yeah, you're welcome, gringo.
Hey, but what in Santa Madre de Dios is happening?
I need you, Chico.
Far out? A job! When do we start?
We already did the job.
Oh, man!
It was only a small job, Chico, not Bank of America,
and we've got to turn everything we stole back into the police,
and you're just the man to do it for me.
What?
You want me to return the money from the bank to the police?
Come on, Chico!
They'll lock me up for the rest of my life!
I'm worried about you!
All right, Chico, I want you to put these in your car,
drive directly to the Burbank Police Station,
see Captain Morgan, the head of major crimes.
You remember him.
Whatever you say, Vic. But what am I going to say to Captain Morgan?
He's gonna think I'm out to breakfast.
Tell him you got a call from Buckley.
Tell him Buckley left you
four suitcases with all the stolen goods
from the bank heist he pulled.
Okay.
Who's gonna keep Buckley off my ass?
Well, don't worry about Buckley, pal.
He's not in such a good shot anymore.
Dead?
Muerto.
Hey, we'll meet you at the same place near Griffith Park, okay?
Are you gonna follow me?
No, no, if we go in convoy, it'll look suspicious.
Hey, gringo?
You sure this is okay?
Hey, relax, amigo,
you've always got Vic Scalia's legal services at your side.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Look out, here I go!
(CAR HORN HONKING)
You should get the guy who threw me out of his car.
What do I look like, a stunt hooker?
MAN: Look, lady, I'm sorry, but I can't help you.
Unless you got the license number of the car
that smashed up your donut shop,
there's no way that I can identify him.
Okay, well, give me your address
and I'll try to check it out.
Listen, lady, we'll do what we can,
but you got to understand
we got a whole lot more important cases down here to investigate.
Look, lady, I'd like to help you, but I can't.
The Downtown Station just called
and they found a whole warehouse full of dead bodies
that we've got to go investigate.
We'll get to your problem as soon as possible.
Now, how can I help you, sir?
You look like you're kind of busy,
I'll come back on your day off.
Wait a minute!
Don't I know you from someplace?
Thanks anyway!
Hey, hold it right there!
Adios, amigo! Look out!
Hey, stop him!
Sorry.
Come on, come on, go, go! Come on, come on.
Use the whip, use the whip! I got it, I got it!
Another five dollars.
Thank you!
Okay, I'll give you three-to-one odds on the little kid on the red shirt.
Forget about it, you cleaned me out.
Oh!
Where the hell is Chico?
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Halloween, Chico?
No. Wanted.
Chico, master of the disguise.
Can you believe this shit, man?
A little job, small bank. Nada East L.A. bullshit.
They make a big deal out of it.
Sorry, I forgot to tell you, about it.
Good picture, though, huh? Lovely.
Where's the stuff?
Oh, with Rodriguez, my friend.
Don't worry, esta muy safe in his restaurant. El Taco Kiosc.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hey, hey, how do we find this Rodriguez guy?
Echo Park!
How do you feel about Mexican food?
Excuse me, are you Rodriguez?
Senor Rodriguez?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
What can Rodriguez do for you today?
Well, we came for the suitcases.
Suitcases? KATHY: Si, si.
No, no, amigo.
Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't understand. It's okay.
We're friends of Chico's, he sent us.
No, amigo, no, no, no, no, no.
Now, if there's anything else can Rodriguez do for you?
I can cook for you, tacos, enchiladas,
tamales, frijoles, chili.
All right, some chimichangas!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Is he gonna be okay in there?
He'll be fine.
Yeah, come on.
This is crazy, we can't keep driving around like this!
We've got to stash this stuff!
I know just the place.
I can't find an empty locker!
I know, they're just like cops,
you never find one when you need one.
Hey!
Shit!
Yeah, yeah, take it!
Help! Police! Thief! Stealing my suitcase!
Very much apology, kind sir,
but wife very angry if I return from trip with no gift.
I've had it, I'm exhausted!
Nobody ever said crime was easy.
Wait a minute! That's it.
That's the answer!
What, honey?
We'll return the stolen goods to the place they came from,
to the safe deposit boxes.
There is no safer place than that!
That's right, that's right, that's a brilliant idea!
Ready? Yeah.
Look, I don't like the idea of sending you in there alone.
Oh, come on, I'm a big girl, I did it before.
I'll just do it reverse.
Good luck, baby.
And, Kathy... What?
Leave all the merchandise.
Can you hear me?
VIC: Loud and clear, baby. Are you okay?
Great, talk to you later.
Here you go.
Kathy...
Kathy, I'm getting worried. What's going on?
Don't worry, honey, everything's going smoothly.
All the suitcases are back.
(SIGHS)
Kathy, Kathy, come in, it's urgent.
(HUMMING)
Kathy, answer me!
What is it, honey?
Get out of there now!
Those guys who were following us just entered the storm drain.
Okay, I'll take cover.
It's got to be around here somewhere.
Kathy, where are you?
I'm on my way back!
Be careful, they're in there.
(GUN FIRES)
Kathy?
Kathy?
Kathy why aren't you answering me?
Can you hear me?
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(GUN FIRES)
Oh, Vic, Vic!
Are you trying to kill me?
(SOBBING)
(GUN FIRES)
Are you all right?
Next time I drive.
(EXCLAIMING)
Look.
What is that?
It's a transmitter.
That's how they kept on finding us!
Come on, we've got to keep 'em down there.
All right, let's go.
KATHY: You drive around and I'll back you in, all right?
Come on, Vic, they're here. A little to the left!
(HONKING)
Come on, take it out!
Come on, straight back!
Okay, okay, move it a little bit farther, come on, move it!
That's good, that's good!
Police? There's a robbery in progress
at the Monument Security Bank on Wilshire Boulevard.
The thieves are looking for the plans of a sophisticated
avionics device of a new American military jet.
You've got to get there right away.
You did it?
In other news, there was a burglary attempt made today
at the Monument Security Bank.
Burglars traveled through the extensive storm drain network
below the bank and cut a hole into the vault.
Their ingenious plan was foiled however
and the burglars fled
leaving behind all the contents of the safety deposit boxes
in four suitcases.
In other news, a hijacker with explosives strapped to his back
blew himself up after failing to force the domestic...
The police didn't catch 'em!
Well, of course they didn't take any of the contents of the suitcases,
they found exactly what they were looking for.
They stole the plans and they left!
After all of this,
we failed, we blew it.
Honey, look on the bright side.
We're still alive.
Honey, if I tell you something,
you promise you won't get angry?
VIC: What?
I couldn't possibly be any angrier than I am now.
Okay.
I stole a bracelet.
Just one, just this one. Just one little...
Thanks, lady, that's exactly what we're looking for!
(GUN FIRES)
Come on, let's get the bracelet and get out of here!
Good luck. Which one's got the microfilm?
I don't know, it's got to be one of them.
Here, just take 'em all!
Come on! Not so fast.
Kathy?
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)
Is everything okay, Mr. Scalia?
Everything's fine, Moshe. Just keep 'em coming.
Mr. Scalia,
I always knew you were the right man for the job.
Hand it over.
I see you got a new toy, dick head.
I want the microfilm.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Kathy? Baby.
How?
My souvenir from the job stopped the bullet.
Thank God you're a thief.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING) Thank God I had a great teacher!
That's the cops. Come on, let's get out of here!
OFFICER: Freeze! Get your hands up!
(LAUGHING)
Chico! Chico!
Buenas noches, civilians.
How do you like my new disguise?
Eh?
Since this is a special occasion,
I decided to borrow a little something
from the suitcases.
For your engagement.
Well, honey,
I guess it is time I make out an honest woman of you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
♪ Blue skies
♪ Cool summer breeze
♪ Feeling of the road beneath my wheels
♪ It's all right
♪ Taking it day by day
♪ I'm trying to keep the devil off my heels
♪ You can lose control
♪ If things get out of hand
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ It's a hard way to go
♪ If everybody knows
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ Gotta hold the line
♪ Gotta watch for warning signs
♪ Did they turn you in when the game is growing thin
♪ Hold on tight
♪ You might find
♪ It's slipping through your fingers like the wind
♪ You can lose control
♪ If things get out of hand
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain
♪ It's a hard way to go
♪ And everybody knows
♪ The best laid plans go sliding down the drain ♪