Down Missouri Way (1946) - full transcript

♪ There's nothin' like
an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ when the moon
is shining up above ♪

♪ come along
and have yourself a gay ride ♪

♪ cuddle up
beside the one you love... ♪

[ New tune ]
[♪ this love
I have for you ♪

♪ it just can't miss ♪

♪ I fall in love
with you ♪

♪ each time we kiss ♪

♪ to me you're everything ♪

♪ my dream of dreams ♪

♪ come true ♪



♪ I am so ♪

In love with you... ♪

I fail to see
a single reason

for this
display of ignorance.

You couldn'tforget
everything I've taught you.

Now, let's try it again.

Shirley, you know
you can do better than that!

Don't you know you're being
graded on your efforts?

Shirley, I-I can't
understand this...

You behaved as if
you've never had

a single day's
scientific training
in your life!

A two-year-old
could do better!

Man:
Uh, professor Caldwell --

I presume you would
like to know



the results
of our examination.

Yes, professor Morris.

Disposition: Moody.

And listless.

Professor:
Moody
and listless.

Behavior: Obstinate.

And independent.

I would say yes --

obstinate
and independent.

I'm sure you gentlemen
will revise your opinions

at the next
examination.

I have no explanation
for her behavior today,

but I just
feel that --

"feel"? Ha!

Only a woman would oppose
unalterable scientific facts

with...intuition.

Yes.

Shirley,
it's time to go!

Shirley's never
behaved as badly before.

Compared to her dullness,
that cow's a mental wonder!

Maybe being
neighbors with valenti
ain't so good --

I think I ought to
change Shirley's stall.

Perhaps a change
would help --

some mountain air
and a romp down on the farm

might be
just the thing.

Mortimer, we're
taking Shirley back home.

But Shirley's
college property now --

if professor Morris finds out,
there'll be a heap of trouble.

And I'm liable
to lose my position

if I don't find out the reason
for Shirley's conduct.

Take the noon train
and have Cindy meet me
at the depot tomorrow.

Maybe it ain't
such a bad idea...

I ain't seen Cindy
for quite a spell.

That's right.
See you on the farm.

Seems like
both you and miss Jane

have been kinda
out of sorts lately...

There's gonna be
trouble with this...

But I'll see Cindy...

I reckon a fella
that's been spoken for

should see his gal
more than twice a year, huh?

[ Snorts ]

♪ You've been
livin' on oats and corn ♪

♪ the luckiest mule
that was ever born ♪

♪ now, my friend,
it's time to shove ♪

♪ we're off to see ♪

♪ the gal I love ♪

♪ there's a Rose ♪

That grows in the ozarks ♪

♪ there was never ♪

♪ a Rose so fair ♪

♪ been away too long ♪

♪ from the ozarks ♪

♪ and the Rose ♪

♪ that I left down there ♪

♪ oh, we gotta hurry
to the heart of Missouri ♪

♪ hurry back
to claim my prize ♪

♪ and while I'm a-wooin' ♪

♪ and a-billin'
and a-cooin' ♪

♪ you can
shut your eyes ♪

♪ there's a Rose ♪

♪ that grows in the ozarks ♪

♪ and there ain't ♪

♪ any thorns on her ♪

♪ but they can't ♪

♪ pick my Rose
of the ozarks ♪

♪ 'cause she's already ♪

♪ spoken for ♪

♪ oh, we gotta hurry
to the heart of Missouri ♪

♪ hurry back
to claim my prize ♪

♪ and while I'm a-wooin' ♪

♪ and a-billin'
and a-cooin' ♪

♪ you can
shut your eyes ♪

♪ there's a Rose ♪

♪ that grows in the ozarks ♪

♪ and there ain't ♪

♪ any thorns on her ♪

♪ but they can't ♪

♪ pick my Rose
of the ozarks ♪

♪ 'cause she's already ♪

♪ spoken for ♪

Cindy, miss Jane's gonna be
madder than a wet hen![ Motor sputtering ]

Ain't nothin'
to what she's gonna be

when she finds all them
strangers on our property!

Well, they're
paying good money

just to take
some pictures
of the farm --

that ain't no reason for
miss Jane to get angry.

Don't need no reason,
the way she's been
feeling lately.

You shouldn't'a
rented the farm

to those movin' picture folks,
not without askin'.

Don't you side with pappy.
Start this thing!

Might help if you'd
turn on the ignition.

Oh, that![ Engine starts ]

Seems like
females is just...

Well, females.

Mules or women --
they're always
in a tizzy!

Ain't a single reason
why Shirley won't drink,

but she won't.

"Shirley" --

why, any self-respecting mule
would die of shame

before she'd let anyone
call her Shirley!

In my days,
mules didn't go traipsin'

up and down
to college and such,

no sir![ Brays ]

Sounds exactly like
one of them thievin' mccoys!

If I thought she was,
I'd bust her wide open!

Oh, pappy,
put yer rifle down.

Shirley's
kinda touchy.

Hmph. Might
hurt her feelings.

Stop sloshin'
that water around!

Makes me thirsty..

By thunder,
I amthirsty.

Your office
is in the trailer,
Mr. Burton.

The phone's
been connected.
Thanks.

Where would I
find Mr. Dunning?

I think he's
in miss Baxter's
dressing room.

This is perfect --
much better than anything

we could have
built at the studio.

It sure is --
it's the real McCoy.

Pappy:
McCoy!!!

I'll blast the first McCoy

that shows his face
around here!

Hold it, pappy --
there's no McCoy
around here.

This is our producer,
Mr. Burton.

Burton, huh?

Not from the chattahoochi-
platte burtons?!

I'd just as soon
shoot one of them
as a McCoy!

No! I'm strictly
a sunset strip Burton.

From out
californee way.

Probably shoulda let him
have one blast anyway.

Woman:
Such delicacy!

It's bad enough
doing the part,
but this scene!

My dear Gloria,

the true artist
can rise above her role,

ifshe but possesses
the divine madness.

Madness my eye --
I wasn't born yesterday.

True, but with
proper makeup,

I think we can effectively
conceal that from the camera.

Sure, boss,
that #37 pancake

would hide
the wrinkles
on an elephant!

Wrinkles?!

My darling,

I'm so glad you've
finallyarrived.

From outside it sounded
like a Hollywood conference.

What's the trouble?

Your star has taken exception
to the dramatic scene --

it doesn't
do her justice.

It most certainly doesn't!

Just read this.
Up to the part
about the mule!

There's
another thing --

here we are in Missouri,
the capital of the mules --

do I have a mule? No!

Anything wrong,
Sam?

None of 'em have had
the body, the look,
or the voice.

But I'm expecting
another bunch
any minute now.

"Bunch"? Am I going
to direct bananas?!

I want a mule!

Tony's right, Sam,
the gimmick in the story
is the mule --

get him
what he wants.

My darling,

we were
discussing my scene.

Don't you worry,
I'll get it
fixed up for you.

Thank you, darling,
I knew you would.

Here come
the new mules!

Probably another lot
of scrawny imitations.

Shall we
have a look?

Oh, Mike...

I'll be right
with you, Sam.

Mike, darling,

you don't seem a bit
glad to see me.

Of course I am,
but I only just arrived.

I haven't even
had time to clean up.

I've got to fix that scene
for you, you know.

All right -- you can read it
to me in your office later.

That'll be fine,

I'll see that
thorny's there, too.

Too long!

Too short!

You call that a tail?

The ozark terror --

with this one,
I could do a horror picture.

You expect me to
get a performance
out of these?

Losethem.

Sorry, bub --
the voice
won't record.

See what I mean,
Mike?

Don't worry,
well pick one up.

"Pick one up"?

Can one "pick up"
a Lillian Russell?!

I can see
the symmetry
of her legs,

the delicacy
of her ankles,

the grace of
her every step,

the ripple of her --

of course, I don't know nothin'
about no ripples,

but if it's a mule
you're lookin' for,

there's one out there
in that there b-b-b-barn.

Direct from college --
got a diploma, too.

Mortimer here
takes care of her.

That might be it,
thorny.
Iam interested.

Well, you can see her,

but the boss
won't be home
for a spell.

More than likely
wouldn't let you
use her, anyway.

Sourest disposition
this side of the ozarks.

The mule's, too.

Shirley's been
kinda poorly of late.

That's why professor Caldwell
brought her down to the farm.

Shirley's been
hand-raised --
scientific.

"Shirley"...

A name of the aroma
of appleblossoms
in springtime.

Take a look --
if you want her,
I'll see the owner.

Pappy'll show her to you --
I'll get her some turnips.

Oh, you better
be kinda careful...

She's a little fussy
around strangers.

Sounds like
that mule's
particular.

A sign of artistic temperament,
the true Mark of the thespian.

We shall approach Shirley

with the dignity
and discretion

befitting her stature.
Lead me to her.

♪ La da Dee ♪

♪ what's the matter with me? ♪

♪ Looks like
maybe I'm slippin' ♪

♪ oh, I don't
ever remember ♪

♪ having trouble with men
in the past ♪

♪ comes a man
I'd love to get ♪

♪ but I'm gettin' nowhere fast ♪

♪ I turn it on ♪

♪ but he won't look ♪

♪ I just can't
get his eye ♪

♪ done everything
that's in the book ♪

♪ but just can't
get that guy ♪

♪ I play it fast ♪

♪ I play it loose ♪

♪ the limit is the sky ♪

♪ but still I'm in
the old caboose ♪

♪ just can't
get that guy ♪

♪ with guys
a dime a dozen ♪

♪ seekin' company ♪

♪ why do I have to
go for a guy ♪

♪ who doesn't
go for me? ♪

♪ He says hello ♪

♪ but in a rush ♪

♪ I get a fast goodbye ♪

♪ instead of love,
I get the brush ♪

♪ just can't
get that guy ♪

♪ with guys
a dime a dozen ♪

♪ seekin' company ♪

♪ why do I have to
go for a guy ♪

♪ who doesn't go for me ♪

♪ he says hello ♪

♪ but in a rush ♪

♪ I get a fast goodbye ♪

♪ instead of love ♪

♪ I get the brush ♪

♪ just can't get that guy ♪

Who's the lucky girl?

Oh, these
are for Cindy,

but I can
get her some more.

Well, a regular
stagedoor Johnny.

Nope, my name's
Mortimer.

No!yep.

All right, Mortimer,
now I'll give yousomething.

Would you like to have
an autographed picture of me?

I reckon
I would, ma'am.

Well, come in
and pick one out.

Yes, ma'am!

[ Construction noises ]

I'm sorry,
miss Jane,

I just reckoned it wouldn't
harm the place none.

I know you thought
you were doing right, but --

♪ [ big band music blares] ♪

All this noise
is impossible!

I'll never
get any work done!

Oh, uh...
Miss Baxter's --

"to Mortimer.
Affectionately, Gloria."

"Affectionately"!

Where can I find
the man in charge?

That's Mr. Burton,
he's over in the trailer.

Cindy, ain't nothin'
to that picture!

I'll make sure
of that!

[ Knocking ]

Come back later,
I'm busy.

All right,
what it is?

If you'll
put some clothes on,

I could discuss
my business properly.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Pardon me.

Business? Discuss
what business?

This motion picture business.
I came down here with my mule --

mule? You'll have to see
Mr. Dunning, our director.

I was told you were
in charge of this company.

I am, but i'mnot
hiring the mule --

I know, Mr. Dunning
is hiring the mule.

Right, and he may
already have one.

Belonging to
the owner
of this farm.

Well, that takes care
of Mr. Dunning.

Now, if you'll
permit me to finish, I --

whose mule?!

Professor Caldwell's mule.

If that's all settled,
perhaps you'll leave

and I can forget
about yourmule.

That's an excellent idea.

And as for leaving,
youcan start immediately.

You happen to be
using myproperty.

Now, see here, I --

yourproperty?

But I --

you'renot
professor Caldwell?

I am, and I'll expect you to
be gone no later than tomorrow.

Yes, but I --[ Telephone rings ]

Just a minute,
will you, please?

Hello?

Oh, hello, j.O. --
Snapshots?

Oh, locations.
Glad you liked them.

Hold it --
I want to talk to you.

No, I don't want to
talk to you,j.O.

I mean, of course
I want to talk to you!

Can't we talk
this thing over?

I simply must have
the use of my farm.

But we won't
hurt the farm --

what's that?

Oh, certainly, j.O.,
we'll use the farm.

You certainly
will not!

If you're here
tomorrow afternoon,

I'll have you
arrested for trespassing.

But we can't move,
it would delay
the shooting schedule.

What's that?

Certainly, we'll
come in on schedule,

don't worry
about a thing.

Okay, goodbye.

Professor...
Miss Caldwell.

Can't we
straighten
this thing out?

I'm sorry, my experiments
can't be disturbed.

You'll have to
find some other place.

She's a gorgeousanimal,
just the type!

Are you listening,
Mike?

That lady you just
passed outside
is its owner.

The mule?
Did we get it?

She ordered US
to moveby tomorrow.

But it's
a perfect location!

She can't
do this to me!!

This is no time
for dramatics, thorny.

I've got to think.

Think?! What is there
to think about?

She's a woman,
is she not?

She is not.
Professor Caldwell
is a scientist.

Oh, I see.

We have brains
to deal with, eh?

Yes.

A scientist...

Thorndyke, I am about
to become...

Temperamental.

We've got a bit of
scientific reading to do.

[ Knocking ]

Come in.

Good evening,
miss Caldwell.

I realized that we'd be
disturbing your work here,

so I've ordered
my company
to pack up.

If you'll just
sign this release

to the effect
that we haven't
caused any damages.

On the bottom line,
please.

Anything wrong?

No, no --
won't you sit down?

Mr., ah...
Mr. Burton.

No thanks,
I'm much too nervous.

Aren't you
going to sign it?

Yes...
Yes, of course.

But this happens to be
a confidential report

from a psychiatrist.

Oh, did I
give you that?

I'm terribly sorry, I didn't
mean to waste your time.

On the contrary,
it's quite interesting.

I'm a scientist,
you know.
Yes.

Tell me, Mr. Burton,
in view of this,

you're undoubtedly a victim
of gastroepiploic sinistra.

Well, I -- huh?

Oh, yes! Of course!Of course.

What usually happens
when you get these attacks?

Well, it's
very disturbing,

you see,
it sort of flips,

and then it flops.

You see?
Flip. Flop.

Oh...

When it flips or flops,
does it hurt?

Hurt? Sometimes
it almost kills me!

Mine is one of the rarest
cases on record!

I remember reading
of a similar case.

The patient occasionally
would lose his equilibrium

and fall to the floor.

Fall to the floor?

Flat on his face.

Oh, yes, of course,

that happens to me
quite frequently.

I never know
when it's gonna hit.

[ Groans ]

Oh...

The poor man -- it'll be hours
before the attack subsides.

[ Moans ]

Ha ha!

What's so funny?

You, Mr. Burton.

For your information,

we're allvictims of
gastroepiploic sinistra.

It's an artery
in the stomach,
not a disease.

Oh, is it?

Ha ha ha!

Pardon me while I
brush the hayseeds
out of my hair.

I was under the impression
there was straw in yours.

Any chance of you
changing your mind
about our staying here?

You know, for one of
the rarest cases on record?

Well, that should
merit consideration...

All right.
You can use the farm.

Thanks, miss Caldwell.

Remarkable how rapidly
I've recovered, isn't it?

Thanks again.

Come visit US
on the set.

Good night,
miss Caldwell.
Good night.

[ Sighs ]

A gal could do much worse --
he sure is a good lookin' fella!

Yes, isn't he!

Don't be a silly goose.
I've no time for such nonsense.

Oh, of course,
miss Jane,

but he sure is
handsomenonsense.

♪ La da Dee
da dum ♪

♪ la da Dee
da dum ♪

♪ da Dee... ♪

♪ Never knew
that I could sing ♪

♪ but here I am
a-makin' up a tune ♪

♪ I'm a little bit
befuddled and bewildered ♪

♪ could it be the moon? ♪

♪ Never knew that
I could sing ♪

♪ I never knew
I even had a voice ♪

♪ but my heart
is making music inside me ♪

♪ and I have no choice ♪

♪ all at once
I find myself ♪

♪ in a cozy mist ♪

♪ I wonder if
you feel this way ♪

♪ when you've
just been kissed ♪

♪ I never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly,
I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ putting two and two
together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

♪ my, oh, me ♪

♪ I'm so at sea ♪

♪ that I don't know
what to do ♪

It's so strange ♪

♪ but a lovely change ♪

♪ from the humdrum world ♪

♪ I knew ♪

♪ all at once
I find myself ♪

♪ in a rosy mist ♪

♪ I wonder if
you feel this way ♪

♪ when you've
just been kissed ♪

♪ I never sang a song
before ♪

♪ but suddenly
I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ puttin' two and two
together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

♪ ah, ah...Ah ah ah ♪

♪ ah, ah...Ah ah ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

[ Sighs ]

There's nothing
like fresh ozark
mountain air.

I've been
breathin' it
a long time,

but it never made me
feel like that.

Shirley,
you're well again!

She perked right up
when she heard you singin'.

That wasyou singin',
wasn't it, miss Jane?

Yes, but I still
don't understand.

My theories
about the farm
must be correct.

Let's see if she
really is all right.

Smile, Shirley.
Smile...

That's good.
Do you like me?

Kneel.

That's wonderful, Shirley,
you were perfect!

[ Braying in next stall ]

Looks like we're gonna
have a new one anytime now!

That Mortimer,
always carryin' on.

Ever since he
got back from that college,

he's been
acting pure foolish!

Cindy...

How do you know when
you're doing something foolish?

Like falling in love?
I guess you never do
quite really know.

But when the fresh mountain air
suddenly makes you want to sing,

I'd say that's it.

Boy, she's sure got a case
on that Mr. Burton.

An hour ago she was trying
to get him off the property.

Yep, but since then
she's been breathin'

the fresh mountain air.

Well, so have I.

You have?

Sure, but it ain't
changed menone.

Course not, miss Baxter's been
makin' all the changes for you!

Now Cindy, I told you
there was nothin' to it.

♪ Got a feelin'
you've been cheating ♪

♪ somethin's missing
in your kiss ♪

♪ but before
you start repeatin' ♪

♪ oh, baby,
hang your hat on this ♪

♪ you gotta see me
every night ♪

♪ you gotta stop
the monkey business ♪

♪ you better leave
the monkey business ♪

♪ to monkeys in the zoo ♪

♪ you gotta
treat your baby right ♪

♪ you better stop
the monkey business ♪

♪ 'cause when it
comes to monkey business ♪

♪ well, I can monkey, too ♪

♪ you said that
you would love me only ♪

♪ and that's the way
it's gotta be ♪

♪ a monkey's
satisfied with peanuts ♪

♪ oh, but peanuts
ain't enough for me ♪

♪ you gotta give me
all your time ♪

♪ you gotta settle down
to business ♪

♪ you better leave
the monkey business ♪

♪ or I'll be leaving you ♪

♪ I wasn't steppin' out
tonight ♪

♪ oh, it was
strictly donkey business ♪

♪ I wasn't up to
monkey business ♪

♪ 'cause honey,
I love you ♪

♪ you gotta
treat that donkey right ♪

♪ you know
she's gotta have her turnips ♪

♪ there ain't no need
for you to burn up ♪

♪ you know I love you true ♪

♪ oh, I was only
feedin' Shirley ♪

♪ 'cause Shirley's
gotta eat, you see ♪

♪ she may be satisfied
with them turnips ♪

♪ but Mortimer ♪

♪ turnips ain't never
gonna be enough for me ♪

♪ I give you all the time
I can ♪

♪ there's never
any monkey business ♪

♪ but now i'm
off on donkey business ♪

♪ so I'll be seein' you ♪

[ Snorts ]

♪ You got to
give me all your time ♪

♪ you got to
settle right down to business ♪

♪ you better leave
the monkey business ♪

♪ or I'll be leaving you!!! ♪

Magnificent!

You pulled a fast one
and she fell for it.

Not exactly.
Idid the falling.

Oh, you became
quite friendly?

I got the location,
didn't I?

A meritorious achievement --
but what about my mule?

She's experimenting
with that mule,

I was afraid
she'd turn me down.

But I have an idea
how we can get it.

After last night,
nothing should be
toodifficult.

Much to my regret,

I feel inclined to
agree with, uh...

Our star.

You must have made
someprogress with her.

We didpart
on friendly terms --

that's why
I hate to do this.

Mike, this is no time
to let a mere friendship

come between
me and that mule!

We've got
a picture to make!

I guess you're right.
Well, this is the idea --

I've invited her
to come and watch US work.

When she gets there,
we'll pretend to discuss

the impossibility
of the mule acting on cue.

She sticks her nose in
and we get the mule?

Right.

Why all the strategy?
She's only a little hick.

Gloria, did you ever have
gastroepiploic sinistra?

Gastro-what?

You get it by
thinking you're smarter
than that little hick.

Good luck on
your first day's
shooting, anyway.

Thanks, old boy,
I'll need it.

With this
outstandingcast,

I don't know whether
to use a camera or a gun.

I guess you must be
from the flatlands.

I ain't got much use
for valley folks.

That's swell stuff,
fella, but...

You're wearing
that beard wrong.

What the Sam hill
are you talking about?!

I've always wore
my beard this way!

Now look,
the dialect is great,

but they're not
wearing beards that way.

I ought to know --

I've made twenty of
these hillbilly pictures.

Here, I'll show you --ow!!!

I oughta bust you
wide open!

Why, it's the McCoy!

McCoy?!

If there's a McCoy
around here,

let him come out
a-shootin'!

She's coming,
Mr. Burton.

Thank you.

This is
impossible!

What am I,
an animal trainer?

The writer must
have been demented.

No mule can do the things
that this script calls for.

Well, I --

oh, good morning,
miss Caldwell.

This is Gloria Baxter,
our star,

and thorndyke dunning,
our director.

How do you do?

Did I interrupt you?

No, not at all.

The writer of this script
has done all the interrupting.

As a matter of fact,
he hasn't stopped.

It's absurd --
asking a mule to waltz!

And lie down
and sit down on cue!

Some of my actors
can't even do that.

We'll have to cut out
the part about the mule.

They're stubborn, anyway.

They are not!

My mule Shirley's
intelligence

almost equals
that of a human.

You mean your mule
would roll over and sit up?

Easily, and more.

ThatI've got to see.

[ Whistles ]

It worked.

I didn't think
she'd fall so easily.

This is Shirley.

Well, she might do.

Sit down, Shirley.

Pleasesit down?

Sit down!

She won't
work that way.

Shirley and I have
a little secret --

let me show you.

♪ Never knew that
I could sing ♪

♪ but here I am
a-makin' up a tune ♪

♪ I'm a little bit
befuddled and bewildered ♪

♪ could it be the moon ♪

Never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly
I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ putting two and two
together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

Now, Shirley, you do just as
Mr. Dunning tells you.

Do you like me,
Shirley?

Hmm...give Sam
a big kiss.

Ha! A natural born actress!

If I had another one,
I could make an epic.

Terrific,
eh, Sam?

Yeah,
she sure is terrific.

A complete understatement --
she's sensational!

Yes, boss.

Under my direction,
you will positively
achieve stardom.

Your name will
be in lights!

[ Snorts ]

Ah, you understand.

Wait here while I go and try
to make the actors understand.

Ifthat is possible.

You've done a great job
with Shirley, miss Caldwell.

It wasn't difficult.

Shirley, like all
other animals,

responds to affection
and intelligent treatment.

Miss Caldwell probably
spends all her time

in the mule's company.

Why, yes.

You see, Shirley's
always a perfect lady.

Really.

Well, I, uh,
must change.

See you later,
darling.

Don't pay any attention
to Gloria,

she's the eternal actress.

But I think Shirley's going to
give her some competition.

Wait till we start
her publicity campaign.

No, Mr. Burton.

You may use Shirley,
but no publicity.

But why not?
She's perfect copy.

In a scientific journal, yes,

but on a theatrical page, no.

Midlands college
of agriculture

has a name for it --
unethical exhibitionism.

Very well, miss Caldwell.
You have my word --

no publicity as far as
Shirley's concerned.

Yes, j.O., the mule's
a natural born actress!

Sensational!

No, j.O., I haven't
had a chance

to talk to Mr. Burton
about publicity.

He's busy on the set.

You're right, j.O.,

she oughta make
wonderful copy.

Okay, j.O.

No, I won't say a word
to Mr. Burton about it.

Check, j.O.
I'll have the still man

send some publicity shots
by plane immediately.

Thorny:
All right,
places, everybody.

Quiet on the set!

[ Conversation stops ]

Sam:
Quiet!!!

Quiet on the set!!!

Camera.

Action.

So you're back
from the big city,

eh, daughter?

Looks like you done
right well by yourself.

Not too bad.

You sure have
changed a lot, daughter.

Been around, pa.

♪ [ Music plays] ♪

♪ I was just a local gal ♪

♪ rosy cheeks and all ♪

♪ I didn't know from nothin' ♪

♪ till I heard
the city's call ♪

♪ but now I know
the answers ♪

♪ I'm really flyin' high ♪

♪ there's nothin'
like the big town ♪

♪ and I'm here
to tell you why ♪

♪ did you ever see
a penthouse? ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ well, I'll tell you
what they are ♪

♪ it's a house in the sky ♪

♪ and it's up so high ♪

♪ you can pick yourself
a star ♪

♪ did you ever
see a nightclub ♪

♪ no, no ♪

♪ well, then listen,
I'll explain ♪

♪ it's an intimate room
where celebrities bloom ♪

♪ where you dance
and drink champagne ♪

♪ you can have
your sweet potato socials ♪

♪ your barnyards,
you can keep ♪

♪ while I'm countin'
silver foxes ♪

♪ you can count your sheep ♪

♪ were you ever
in the big town ♪

♪ no, no ♪

♪ well, it's something
you should see ♪

♪ oh, it glitters
and gleams ♪

♪ it's the city of dreams ♪

♪ it's the only place for me ♪

♪ you can have
your penthouse ♪

♪ we're happy
where we are ♪

♪ just give US
the old front porch ♪

♪ a bow and a sweet guitar ♪

♪ we don't want no nightclubs ♪

♪ the drugstore's okey-doke ♪

♪ holdin' hands
in a corner booth ♪

♪ while we're sippin' a coke ♪

♪ we don't have
no silver foxes ♪

♪ wrapped around our neck ♪

♪ the boyfriend's arms
ain't silver foxes ♪

♪ but they keep US warm,
by heck ♪

♪ you can have
the big town ♪

♪ and all that glamour stuff ♪

♪ we don't want
no part of it ♪

♪ the farm is good enough ♪

♪ you can have your surrey
with the fringes ♪

♪ your roads are
much too rough ♪

♪ keep your apple cider binges ♪

♪ who can drink that stuff? ♪

♪ I'm a gal
who knows the big town ♪

♪ know it cold
from a to z ♪

♪ you can live as you feel ♪

♪ it's a wonderful deal ♪

♪ in the big town,
yes, sirree ♪

♪ I'm a big town gal,
that's me ♪

We mustn't talk,
sound might pick up
our voices.

[ Huffs ]

Cut!!

We'll have to
take it again.

Without me --
I'm too tired!

Mike:
What happened?

Does anything
have to happen?

With Gloria,
it a automatic.

I'd better
go get her

or we'll spend
the rest of the day

admiring the scenery.

Pardon me,
miss Caldwell.

Appeal to
her better side.

If you can find it!

The next time anybody
walks off my set,

it will be I.

Blowing up
in the middle of a scene!

You can end it on Gloria's song
and cut the rest, thorny.

"Cut" -- that's the extent
of magnet pictures'vocabulary.

"Cut the budget,
it's too high,"

"cut the schedule,
it's too long."

We've been pretty luck
so far, thorny.

Gloria:
After all,
you did get the mule

and the location.

And you can keep it.

The place reeks
of rural atmosphere.

Your attitude
is all wrong, Gloria.

When in the ozarks,
do as the --

what isthere
to do here, Mike?

Why, lots of things --

you're born,
you get married,

you pay taxes
and die.

Just one thing
you forgot, ma'am.

That's getting
the mortgage.

That comes between
paying taxes and dying.

Of course,
we do have barn dances.

And sweet potato socials?
No, thanks.

You ain't even
been invited yet.

Invited to what, pappy?

Sweet potato social.

Miss Jane'd like
to invite you folks over.

We're gonna have music
and -- and -- and --

well, what?

You'd be surprised.

Thanks very much.

Tell miss Caldwell
we'll be over.

So long.

"Sweet potato social --"

sounds like
an appetizing pastime.

Me for those
sweet potatoes!

Say, Mr. Burton,

shall I send these contracts
with the rest of the stuff?

Let me see them.

I think I'd better
go have miss Caldwell
sign these first.

That's as good a reason as any,
isn't it, Mike, dear?

♪ Never knew
that I could sing ♪

♪ but here I am
a-makin' up a tune ♪

♪ I'm a little bit
befuddled and bewildered ♪

♪ could it be the moon ♪

♪ never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly
I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ puttin' two and two
together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

[ Knocking ]

Mike:
Miss Caldwell?

I just came over here
to see if you could --

well, why don't you
say it?

Say what?

That I look silly.

Oh, you mean
the hair?

Well, no, I wouldn't
say it was exactly...

Uh, no.

No?

No, I'd say...

Pardon me.

No.

No?

No, no...

I'd say that --

well, of course
if you --

if you lift this
back up like that...

See, a much
better line,

and on this side, too.

Right over there.

Now, you see?

There.
Perfect.

Thanks.

All right,
I'll accept them

with your signature
on these contracts.

It's just your permission
to use Shirley and the farm
in the picture.

That won't be
necessary.

In this part of the country,
one's word is sufficient,

and you have mine.

That would be
more than enough for me,

but this is a formality
that my company demands.

Cindy:
Miss Jane!
Miss Jane!

Miss Jane,
it's gonna happen!

What'sgoing
to happen?!

I don't think miss Jane
would want you in there.

Why? What's going on?

You know,
the mare.

Huh?

Oh...

Any minute now.

Mortimer!
Get some water, quick!

Fetch a blanket
from the house!

Fetch a hot water bag!
Quick!

Miss Jane's best cover...

Well, she'll
forgive you.

Well, I --

What's all
the commotion about?!

Shh! The mare,
you know.

Why didn't
you say so?

Well, that calls
for a drink.

Pappy! Put down
that jug!

I always celebrate
a birthin' or a weddin'.

If you'd like a drink,
you're sure welcome.

No thanks, pappy.

Birthin's ain't
exactly necessary

for pappy
to start celebratin'.

Mortimer, you get to be
more like Cindy every day!

Is everything
all right, miss Caldwell?

Just routine.

Just routine?

There's no need
for excitement.

I guess
you're right.

When you've been
scientifically trained,

it isjust routine.

Can we see it now,
miss Jane?

Of course.

Would you like to,
Mr. Burton?

Yes, thank you.

Cindy:
Isn't she cute?

Mortimer:
Mm-hmm!

Almost nothing
to her.

Look at the trust
in her eyes...

Asking no questions,
just accepting US.

How wonderful nature is
to create such perfection

and instill it
with life.

With her first breath,

that little creature
is already far greater

than anything man or science
could ever produce.

Just routine.

♪ I get up
before the roosters ♪

♪ and I work
like heck all day ♪

♪ the life I lead,
to say the least ♪

♪ is sad ♪

♪ why, I've got
too much talent ♪

♪ to go along this way ♪

♪ I'm slowly, slowly, slowly ♪

♪ going mad ♪

♪ if somethin'
don't happen soon ♪

I'll be talking like a...

♪ [ Jibberish ] ♪

♪ I'll be crazy
as a loon ♪

♪ if somethin'
don't happen soon ♪

♪ I'm sick of picking chickens ♪

♪ and a-tuggin' at the cows ♪

♪ I'm weary of
the life I have to lead ♪

♪ a girl with all my talents ♪

♪ shouldn't have to
push a plow ♪

♪ I'm slowly, slowly ♪

♪ goin' right to sea ♪

♪ if somethin'
don't happen soon ♪

♪ I'll be makin' like a --
oink! Oink! Moo! Moo! ♪

♪ I'll be crazy
as a loon ♪

♪ if somethin'
don't happen soon ♪

♪ now, listen to me closely ♪

♪ and you'll really
get a thrill ♪

♪ can't you picture me
in opera ♪

♪ makin' slightly
with a trill ♪

♪ [ plays trill ] ♪

♪ La Dee bibbl-Dee-hah-hah-hah ♪

♪ [ higher trill ] ♪

[ Higher: ]
♪ la Dee bibbl-Dee-hah-hah-hah ♪

♪ [ very high trill ] ♪

[ Voice breaking: ]
♪ la Dee bibble-Dee -- ♪

Are you kiddin'?!

♪ Here I am
wastin' my time ♪

♪ on horses and cows
and beets and onions ♪

♪ dogs and turnips,
achin' bunions ♪

♪ this has gotta stop
or I'll blow my top ♪

♪ ha ha ha ha ha!!! ♪

♪ If somethin'
don't happen soon ♪

Here, Gloria,
won't you have one?

No, thank you.

I prefer
my sweet potatoes candied.

Naturally -- they do
go nicely with ham.

Thorny has such
a sense of humor.

Say, mort, how about
askin' miss Baxter to sing?

That's a right smart idea.

Do you reckon
she would?

How could she refuse,
seein' how it's you
that's askin'?

Well then,
I'll ask her.

Hee hee hee!

Beg your pardon,
miss Baxter,

but we was wonderin'
if you'd oblige US
with a song.

How nice of you
to ask.

Go ahead,
Gloria.

Really, darling,

I simply can't sing
without proper accompaniment.

It would sound terrible.

How true -- with or
withoutaccompaniment.

How about you,
miss Jane?

Yes, why don't
yousing, my dear?

One of your
mountain songs --

they go so well
with barn dances

and sweet potato socials.

All right, I will.

But it isn't exactly
a mountain song...

It's something I learned
only a little while ago.

♪ Never thought
I'd get this way ♪

♪ I was wrong,
I'll admit ♪

♪ darling, I can only say ♪

♪ this is really it ♪

♪ I'm so in love with you ♪

♪ you'll never know ♪

♪ oh, just the thought of you ♪

♪ sets me aglow ♪

♪ you're much too wonderful ♪

♪ too wonderful to be ♪

♪ those eyes of yours ♪

♪ those smiles of yours ♪

♪ oh, what they do to me ♪

♪ this love I have for you ♪

♪ it just can't miss ♪

♪ I'm more in love with you ♪

♪ each time we kiss ♪

♪ to me, you're everything ♪

♪ my dream of dreams come true ♪

♪ that's why ♪

♪ I'm so in love with you ♪

You ain't never gonna get
a decent day's work

outta them there mules.

They're not work mules, pappy,
they're too intelligent.

What're you gonna
make out of 'em --
school marms?

Shirley's ready,
miss Jane.

Do you know what time
they expect to use her?

No, but I'll
go over to Mike's --

Mr. Burton's office
and find out.

Mr. Burton said he would
let you know, miss Jane.

That-that's right,
he did.

But I'm sure
that he'd like to know

that Shirley's ready now.

Whatever it is
you're thinkin',
you're right.

So I thought
you'd like to know

that Shirley's ready
any time you want her.

Fine.
How's her behavior?

She's perfectly normal,

but I still haven't arrived at
any satisfactory conclusions.

I have.

About Shirley?

No, about you.

Would you like to
hear my conclusion?

As soon as I try
one little experiment.

Mm-hmm...

After profound study
and experimentation,

I have reached
the conclusion that --

no, i'vereach
the conclusion that --

how romantic.

Or were you just
being polite, Mike?

I'll see you later, dear.

Why not let her stay?

The little hick
might learn something.

I beg your pardon.

Don't pay any attention
to her, Jane.

Isn't he nice?

Well, he's only being nice
because of the mule,

and he tricked you
out of her.

What's she
talking about, Mike?

I offered Shirley
myself.

I see the trusting
farmer's daughter

hasn't quite
disappeared.

Mike, I volunteered Shirley,
didn't I?

Well, Jane, we couldn't
do the picture with Shirley

and I was afraid
you wouldn't permit --

so all this
is only because of Shirley?

Oh, no,
that's not true!

Go ahead Mike.
Answer the little rube.

Little rube?!

Little mountain rube,
to be exact.

Isn't that what
you called her, darling?

Gloria --

look at this!
Almost a full column!

"Magnet productions
announced today

"that Mike Burton's unit,

"now on location
in the ozarks

"for a hillbilly extravaganza

"under the direction
of thorndyke p. Dunning,

"have secured
the services of Shirley,

"the scientifically-bred mule

'from the Midlands
college of agriculture.

"Miss Jane Caldwell,

"associate professor
of animal husbandry --

appropriate spread,
don't you think?

That's hardly the word.

I think you're right --
sensationalwould be better.

Jane, I had nothing
to do with this!

You've lied to me
about everything.

I'm taking Shirley
back to the college
this afternoon.

But the picture!
You can't take her now!

Of course not.
We have a contract.

Yes, Jane.

The company's invested
a lot of money in this picture,

they couldn't
release Shirley now.

Very well,
keep your contract
for Shirley.

But remember,
you don't hold one for me.

And Shirley will not work
without me!

Jane!

Just a minute, Jane,
you've got to listen!

I can explain...

Shh!

It's true.
They aremaking
a motion picture.

And they must be
using the mule.

I would say that
the evidence

does seem to indicate
that...They are.

But then,
on the other hand,

well, they also
could notbe.

That is, uh,
they definitely
areusing Shirley.

Miss Caldwell.

Professor Morris!

Professor Lewis,
professor Shaw,

I'm so glad
to see you.

You are, eh?

Then please explain
this sensational notoriety.

I admit that
on the surface it looks --

we are not interested
in your admissions.

Pardon me,
my name is Mike Burton.

Burton! The man
in charge the motion picture?

Yes. I think I can
clear this matter up --

if you don't mind!

I can explain --

to Dean wexley,
if you please.

Your actions are
a disgrace to the college!

Indeed. In its
entire history,

there has never been
such a flagrant example

of unethical
exhibitionism!

Exactly.

Well, there was
that case in 1896 --

if you would be kind enough
to get Shirley ready,

we would like to
take her back to the college.

But we hold
a contract!

Contract?
What contract?

On the mule's services,
Jane signed --

it's invalid.
The mule is college property.

Jane...

You should have told me
the mule didn't belong to you.

Oh, I should have
told you first

and thenlet you
trick me into it?

Miss Caldwell,

of course you realize
the significance of all this?

I know what you
must think of me, but --

we have already
expressed our opinions.

There is
nothing more to say.

Now, gentlemen,
surely there's some way --

Mr. Burton, I fail to see
where any further discussion

could alter the facts.

The mule must be returned
to the college immediately.

And as for you,
professor Caldwell,

I believe you are well aware
that your conduct is unbecoming

to a member
of the faculty.

I would say...

[ Sighs ]

Well, I really
messed it up, didn't I?

Wait, Jane --

[ door slams ]

Ahem! Mr. Burton.

I'll have to ask you
to relinquish

all the film
in which the mule appears.

But we've used Shirley
in almost every sequence,

that would mean
reshooting the entire picture!

Gloria:
Oh, thorny..

Thorny, do you think
I look all right?

Yes, I think so.
What about you, Mike?

Well, I --

oh, I'm sorry, this is
miss Gloria Baxter, our star.

This is professors
Morris, Lewis and Shaw.

How thrilling.

I've always wanted to meet
a real professor,

but threeprofessors!

You have?!

She's always
wanted to meet...

Uh, you have?

Very interesting,
I'm sure.

And now,
if you don't mind,
Mr. Burton,

we must have
the film.

I'm sorry,
that's impossible --

Mr. Burton,
your picture
is no concern of ours.

We have the ethical standing
of our college to consider!

Yes!

Vestigia nullus retrosa.

"No footsteps backward."

Now, we have come
to get the mule, and --

ah...
A scholar.

And Latin, no less!

Where did you study,
my dear?

Oh, I've had
an extensive education.

Did you really?
You must tell US about it.

What do you think?

Think?

Oh, yes, think...

Mike! She can think!

Veritas vinci.

Truth conquers.

You know, Mike,
I've misjudged that girl.

Snap out of it --
I'm talking about the mule!

Oh, Gloria will
wrap them around her finger.

Don't worry, Mike,
we're gotthe mule.

And what did you
major in?

Oh, I majored
in Latin.

And you had
a favorite professor?

Well, none
as nice as you
and you andyou.

And after school
came Broadway

and then Hollywood.

It won't take me
but a minute to change,

and then we can talk.

Remarkable girl!

Now we can
get the film
and Shirley

and leave
for the college
immediately.

On the other hand...

We can leave
any time.

Man:
Get on your lights, boys!

Thorny:
The only difference
between an actor and a mule

is that the actor
has an ego I can appeal to.

Shirley, doesn't your career
mean anything to you?

Don't you want
your name in lights?

Please, Shirley,
stand up!

It's no use, Mr. Dunning,
she just won't do it.

All right,
Mortimer,

you and pappy
stay up there --

I want you to drive if we ever
get this thing started.

Mike, I've tried everything
from flattery to star billing,

but she won't work
without Jane.

That's no use --
Jane won't even
speak to me.

The only time a girl
won't talk to the man she loves

is when she's dead.

You're wrong there --
Jane isn't in love with me.

Oh no, and you're not
in love with her, either.

That's right.

No -- well, I mean --

she loves you,
she loves you not --

do you expect me
to crawl on my knees to her?

I won't do it!

Oh, you won't do it.

Gloria won't act,
Jane won't talk,
Shirley won't work --

all we need now
is a good rain storm!

These are
the pictures
of the mule --

Rembrandt said
he caught
some swell ones.

Thanks, Alice,
I'll take care of it.

You've got it all wrong.

I'd talk to Jane in a minute
if I only thought she'd --

if you had any sense
you'd be in that house now

with your arms
around Jane.

Okay, thorny,
I'll try it once more.

Shirley, keep
your fingers crossed.

But why did he
have to lie about it?

Miss Jane, all men lie
at one time or another.

If you love him,
you accept that,
along with his ear.

But I don't
love him, I --

[ knocking ]

Come in!

Hello, Cindy.Hello.

The still man
sent you these pictures.

Cindy, will you please
pack my other things?

Yes, ma'am.

He says he got
some good shots.

She looks cute
in that one,
doesn't she?

Yes, she --

find another cute one?

[ Angry: ]
The cutest one of all!

When do you intend
sending thisone
to the papers?!

I didn't even know
that had been taken.

And you didn't know
about the publicity
on Shirley, either.

I know you
don't believe me --

I don't!

I don't! Publication
of that picture

would mean immediate dismissal
of the professors.

Jane, I don't
tell the still man
what to photograph!

I understand,
Mr. Burton.

I'll work Shirley --
in return for that negative.

You can have the negative
without that...

No, thanks.
I don't want
any favors.

I'll keep my part
of this -- transaction.

I don't care
if you do or not.

I can finish this picture
in the studio without the mule!

Shirley,
stand up.

Come on, Shirley!

Shirley, pleasestand up!

Cindy, something's
happened again.

Try singing to her.

♪ Never knew
that I could sing ♪

♪ but here I am
a-makin' up a tune ♪

♪ I'm a little bit
befuddled and bewildered ♪

♪ could it be the moon ♪

♪ never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly
I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ puttin' two and two
together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

I don't know,
it's strange --

Shirley's always behaved before
when Jane sang to her.

Singing, indeed!

Another one of
her impractical
innovations.

The mule is
just obstinate!

I would say --

[ phonograph blares: ]
♪ never knew that I could sing ♪

Sorry, Mr. Burton,
I was just testing.

What was
that number, Sam?

I just got these platters
from the sound man.

I can't hear it,
lift it up!

[ Louder ]
♪ ...The moon ♪

♪ never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly
I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ puttin' two and two together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

Gentlemen, do you realize
what has just occurred?

Shirley responded
to the music!

Precisely!

But on the other hand --

and when Jane sang,
her voice was sad...

But the recording
on that machine was cheerful.

And the mule
responded to it!

Indubitably!

Miss Caldwell,
would you mind

getting on
the haywagon,

just in case Shirley
get's temperamental?

If you wish,
Mr. Dunning.

Sam, miss Caldwell
is going along --

she'll help
with Shirley.

Here we go.

Not bad.

Cindy, you can't get up there,
you'll mix up everything!

Everything's already
all mixed up

and I am to do
a little straightening out!

Stop it, Mortimer!

Ohhh!!

Gloria, would you mind
moving over a bit?

I hope you
feel comfortable.

Say, thorny,

don't you think
you'd better move Jane?

You know how Gloria
feels about her.

Gloria's too intelligent
to make a fuss during a scene,

but when we start shooting
I'll move Jane over there.

Mortimer, start the mules
when I say go.

Whoa!

Whoa!

I can't stop 'em!

[ All clamoring ]

Mortimer, any chance of getting
those mules to turn around?

I can't,
Mr. Burton,

when Shirley makes up
her mind she's goin',

she's a-goin'.

No use lettin'
a perfectly good
hayride go to waste.

Cindy's right.

Go ahead, Mortimer,
let's make this a real one,

music and all.

♪ Hey, hiram ♪

♪ hey, hiram ♪

Hey, cy ♪

♪ hey, cy ♪

Come on, Molly ♪

♪ come on, Molly ♪

♪ come on bye ♪

♪ come on, bye ♪

Hey, ezry ♪

♪ hey, ezry ♪

♪ hey, Joe ♪

♪ hey, Joe ♪

♪ wagon's rollin' ♪

♪ here we go! ♪

♪ There's nothin' like
an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ climb aboard
and have yourself a gay ride ♪

♪ there's nothin' like
an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ that is
positively guaranteed ♪

♪ it's no ordinary
everyday ride ♪

♪ get yourself a partner
and you'll see ♪

♪ startin' out
is clatter, clatter,
chatterbug ♪

♪ what a merry world ♪

♪ comin' home's
a different matter ♪

♪ every fella's
got himself a girl! ♪

♪ There's nothin' like
an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ when the moon
is shining up above ♪

♪ come along
and have yourself a gay ride ♪

♪ cuddle up
beside the one you love ♪

♪ starting out
is clatter, clatter,
chatterbug ♪

♪ what a merry world ♪

♪ coming home's
a different matter ♪

♪ every fella's
got himself a girl ♪

♪ there's nothing like
an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ when the moon
is shining up above ♪

♪ come along
and have yourself a gay ride ♪

♪ cuddle up
beside the one you love ♪

♪ oh, the man in the moon ♪

♪ is right on the beam ♪

♪ he is smart, smart, smart ♪

♪ oh, he knows
who you love ♪

♪ he knows
what you dream ♪

♪ in your heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ he looks down
from the sky ♪

♪ with a gleam in his eye ♪

♪ he's a pretty wise
old moon ♪

♪ ah, ah, ooh ♪

♪ though you might
fool me ♪

♪ and I might
fool you ♪

♪ you can't fool
the man in the moon ♪

♪ oh, the man in the moon
is on the beam ♪

♪ he's smart, smart, smart ♪

♪ oh, he knows
who you love ♪

♪ and he knows
what you dream ♪

♪ in your heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ he looks down
from the sky ♪

♪ with a gleam
in his eye ♪

♪ a pretty hip balloon ♪

♪ though you might
fool him ♪

♪ and he might
fool you ♪

♪ you can't fool
the man in the moon ♪

♪ This love I have for you ♪

♪ it just can't miss ♪

♪ I'm more in love
with you ♪

♪ each time we kiss ♪

♪ to me you're everything ♪

♪ my dream of dreams
come true ♪

♪ darling, I'm so in love ♪

♪ with you ♪

♪ there's nothing like
an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ cuddle up
beside the one you love ♪

♪ climb aboard
and have yourself a gay ride ♪

♪ when the moon
is shining up above ♪

♪ there's nothing like
an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ when the moon
is shining up above... ♪

Captioned by
captioneering
your closed captioning resource