Down Among the Z Men (1952) - full transcript

The cast of the popular radio program "The Goon Show" perform some of their favourite routines.

Well hello there.

My name is Harry Secombe,
and I play the part of

Harry Jones, grocery assistant
and amateur detective

and I'm hot on the trail of...

I'm Michael Bentine, I play
the part of Professor Osrick

oh dear I forgot the name,

anyway I am a scientist
who's just invented

the bicarbonate bomb and
then of course there's...

Spike Milligan as Private
Eccles and I just play...

Nothing working out you know by thunder,

not as long my name's Peter
Sellers as Colonel Bloodnok,

anyway, who'd you play with?

Carole Carr, an MI5 girl
also hot on the trail.

I hope she's not on my
trail because we're all.

# Down down down down #

# Down among the Z men we will lie #

I rung for a hat.

Our hats madam yes,
in our lady's fashion

and young maiden department.

Come this way madam,
please, Mr. Jones, forward.

Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, forward please!

Coming, coming Mr. Crabb!

Serve these two ladies
and drop everything else.

- Yes, Mr. Crabb.
- Well, really.

I'm terribly sorry, I, oh!

Ah, there you are, what's your pleasure?

You have to but tell me,
I guess I should get all

the boxes out of the way first.


Oh, Mr. Crabb.

What can I do for you madam?

I think this young lady is ahead of me.

- Well.
- Have you anything

that would renovate an old bag?

She's too far gone
for that, your mother?

No, no, I mean a gladstone bag.

Gladstone, she's old enough
to have been Desraeli's.

How dare you stop this poppycock.

Sorry cock, don't go away please.

Young man, I want a hat.

- I know what you want.
- Well what do I want?

You want a hat, follow
me this way please.

How about this one here, eh?

Very sorry, gains
my girl, direct from Paris.

Oh and it can go back to Paris.

Help, please, there's no light please.

But madam, one moment
please, I'm sure, madam!

Fashion, hmph!

It's still Tuesday.

I hope you don't want a hat.

No, thank you, but could I try on

that bathing costume in the window?

- In the window?
- Mm.

No, you have to use the fitting room

like all the other girls,
the police you know.

Talking of the police,

I thought you were
awfully good in the play.

- Really?
- Yes, the black masquerader,

I think it's quite the best show

the Amateur Dramatic Society has put in.

Well, the West Natlin
District Bugle and Observer

- were very kind of us.
- Yeah.

I've got it here, it
says I know it by heart,

it says Harry Jones brought
Bats of the Yard to life,

he played the part as though
he were really a detective.

It's got my picture in it, do look.

Bats of the Yard, hey
what's the matter with you?

You're shaking like a leaf.

Any mention of the
police puts the wind on me.

Oh, fine Secret Service agent you are.

Now listen, orders are we've
got to find this professor,

wait till until he's finished his formula,

pinch it, then bump him off.

I know that, but why
bring us to this dump?

Well because Professor Pureheart...

- Who?
- Pureheart, with a

black bushy beard, he's
camping around here somewhere.

That's why we're here.

- Which field?
- How should I know?

That's what we're here to find out.

Here, let's ask every one
of those shops up there,

you never know, he might
have been in for provisions

or something, come on.

Yes, I really lived my parts.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know,

I think I am by nature a detective.

- Yeah.
- Remember that scene

where I tackled the spy in Act Three?

- I really go for him, you know.
- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Oh!
- Oh, sorry Mr. Crabb.

Provision counter!

Back among the teas where you belong.

I'll handle this lady.

- Now madam.
- Well if you've

a nice dress length, something summery.

Yes, yes of course madam.

Here one our best pieces here.

Was there any particular colour?

Oh something like gold.

- Do you have some?
- Yes, indeed madam.

I think you'll find one
of these very suitable.

Expecting a great deal
more in another month,

but the deliveries are so uncertain.

Now madam, this is I measured 20 here,

a good linen finish, you'll never see...

Hi liddily giddelin,
what can I do for you?

I have a nice line in sweeps,

nice line in pies, a nice line in baking...

He's got a nice line in talk.

All we want is some information.

Information, oh, here's a little paper.

That's me on the front page.

So you're Bats of the Yard.

- That's right.
- Just one of the

- local boys, eh?
- Local, I'm homegrown.

Yeah, now look we want
to know if you've seen

a black-bearded gentleman.

He's a funny sort of
bloke, sort of a scientist.

He hasn't been in here
by any chance has he?

You mean he's a crook,
like the black masquerader?

- No no no, now...
- Yes, yes.

That's it and we've
got to get hold of him.

- I know who you are.
- What?

You're a couple of detectives

on the trail of a dangerous criminal.

You see, he's stolen a secret formula

and is masquerading as the real professor.

So that's why you asked if I was

a local boy, eh, superintendent?

Correct, now listen,
we've got to get this bloke,

because he's camping around here.

Well you couldn't have
asked anyone better.

If he comes in here, I'll
let you know straight away.

Good, we'll be in the local pub.

Don't worry fellas, you
can count on me colleagues.

The minute he comes in
here, I'll be right...

- Jones, forward.
- Coming Mr. Crabb.

Excuse me, now he's calling, Mr. Crabb.

What is all this about superintendent

and colleagues and all that?

Don't you understand?

This clot is detective mad.

He thinks we're a couple of flatties.

- Oh no!
- Listen, he's gonna

be very useful to us, he
can do all the hard work

tracking this Pureheart bloke
while you and I take it easy.

Come on.

Well, I think it will work.

Yes, I think that should be very nice.

- Oh yes.
- And now measure the waist,

- Mr. Crabb.
- No no no, her waist.

I'm sorry, yes Mr. Crabb, oh I'm sorry.

Nine and a half, big head.

Waist here, 73, dieting?

Yes, now I want a big
drape in the back here.

You've got a big drip in the front.

- That'll do!
- Mr. Crabb, it's a gag,

gag Mr. Crabb, Mr. Crabb.

Now that'll do, just tear it off there.

Just tear it off, okay.

No, I think I better
start from the bottom now.

Yes it would be better thank you.

I'm so pleased about this material,

I've been looking for this for ages.

Yes, it's pretty nice isn't it?

A shot back in time, the shade.

We'll send the garment the
very day we make it madam.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

- Good day.
- Good day madam.

Madam, madam.

Oh, good morning.

Now tell me that young
lady leaving just now

seems the right outfit
for the warm weather.

Did she get it here?

Well, I sort of helped.

Yeah, now tell me,
do you think an outfit

like that would suit me?

What, with those legs?

And what's the matter with my legs?

Nothing, nothing, well
what's on your mind?

Apart from your hair.

On my mind, a formula my dear son.

- A formula?
- Yes.

Then you're the professor.

Yes, I am, yes, how do you do?

Ah, I hate scissors.

Harris, I got it, the
formula, the formula.

- Quick, paper!
- Paper!

Paper, paper and a pencil,
paper, come on, and pencil,

here we are, you got one, now
we've got to be careful now...

No, not that side, that's
the press cutting, yeah.

All right, that side.

Oh, I shall need my
reading glasses for this.

Here, oh that's much better.

Professor, I don't need glasses.

Oh really?

No, neither do I.

X squared.

Well we haven't got square eggs.

We've got some round ones,
some egg-shaped eggs,

they're Australian eggs
from down under.

- Y.
- Why not?

That's where they come
from, down under, you see.


- R U 1.
- Am I one what?

- And this, pi, pi.
- Pie, yes, there we are.

- X to the square root.
- Well, we haven't any

square root, arrowroot you mean.

Yes, yes, 15, 18, 24,
that's it, I got it, I got it.

That's it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

What are you doing now?

- You're fired!
- Oh, Mr. Crabb,

please don't fire me Mr. Crabb,

think of my six starving
children, Mr. Crabb.

You haven't got any children.

I know, but if I had they'd starve.

Mr. Crabb, please you can't fire me.

I'll give you one more chance.

Go and collect that 20 pounds
the Grand Public House owes me

and bring the money
back, every penny of it.

I will, Mr. Crabb, I will.

You'd better, my last
assistant embezzled some money,

Stubbens and I prosecuted.

- Prosecuted?
- Prosecuted with the

utmost rigour of the law.

He got five years, I was on the bench.

Oh, you'll get your
money back Mr. Crabb.

I'll bring it back to you Mr. Crabb.

Do it now.

And take that wretched paper out of here

with your photograph in it.

It's enough to frighten away
every customer for miles.

Bats of the Yard, the
professor, the black masquerader,

the pub...
18, 19, 20

and tell Mr. Crabb I thought
he'd give me more credit,

- trade being so bad.
- Him?

He never gives anybody any
credit, the mean old punisher.

Yes, gentleman what can I get you?

- A couple of large...
- Two pints of beer, please.

Very good, sir.

Just the fellas I wanted to see.

I've just seen him, the black masquerader.

- Who, the professor?
- I think it was him,

superintendent, he came in just
after you had left the shop.

He did, eh?

Come on, tell me more.

Well, he's camping
around here somewhere.

He came in for some arrowroot, some eggs.

Did he do
anything else before he left?

He was something
about physics or something.

Yeah, and what was he wearing?

Bats of the Yard.

That'll be three shillings sir.

I think I'll have a large whiskey.

- Yes.
- What'll you have?

Thank you sir, I'll have the same.

Don't forget him, if you trace him,

- let us know at once.
- Bats of the yard

never forgets, well goodbye, goodbye.

Don't forget your wallet.

Oh my gosh, no, there's no
20 quid of Mr. Crabb's money

in there.

- There is?
- Yes.

And they said if I don't
bring back every penny,

he'd get me five years.

Well, well, we'll be
seeing you sometime.

- Yes, goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Why don't you keep your mind on your job

instead of lifting that poor rub's cash,

you want to concentrate on
lifting the professor's formula

and you won't find it
in a half-wit's wallet.

I'm sorry, Spiner, it was dead easy.

In any case, before we get the formula,

we've got to find the professor.

- Oh yeah.
- I wonder where the

heck he is.

The formula, what
happened with the formula?

Oh wait a minute, here,
here, no that's not it.

Ack, the truck, that'll be it.

No, no, no, no, the
formula, ah, here it is.

No, no, no, I've lost the formula.

I've lost the formula, I
must have that formula.

Where's the formula?

I've lost the formula,
I've lost the formula.

Ah, I've lost it, where's the formula?

The formula, what happened to the formula?

- No, no, no.
- Gas bombs, I'll carry that.

Nah, it's this one.

Dear sir, we are eagerly
awaiting your arrival

at Warwell, and all arrangements

have been made for you to
work in the utmost secrecy.

Once the formula is in our hands,

we should endeavour to get the new weapon

into production immediately,

Warwell Atomic Research Station.

Hey, hey, what are you doing here?

You vile beast, what are
you doing in my camp?

Ooh, I'll get you, I'll get you,

I'll have your life for this.

Ah, you stinking beast.

I say, answer that old thing will you?

That's been ruining my sleep
since the brink of dawn.

Hello, yes, this is Official Secrets.

Can I help you?

Yes, I like your voice too.

My name?

Oh, that's an official secret.

Who am I talking to, who?

Oh blimey, it's the CNC, he wants Dunnit.

- Who's done what?
- No, the CNC.

- What's he done?
- Nothing, he must

- have Dunnit.
- But you just said

- he didn't do it.
- He wants Dunnit.

- Hold on, sir, our Dunnit.
- My dear girl,

you can't say our Dunnit,
they Dunnit, we Dunnit,

I Dunnit, oh you mean
damn it that's done it.

Switch board, I say confound it

just call Brigadier Dunnit well, well?


What the blazes do you mean

by ringing me up this time of night?

Oh, oh I beg your pardon sir.

Yes, sir.

Professor Pureheart, sir.

Oh yes, sir, yes sir,
our very best man, sir.

Very good, sir, goodbye sir.

- Feathers!
- Dithers, sir!

Oh, well done, now listen

there's one of these
atomic professor fellows

on his way to Warwell, well anyway,

we've got to protect him.

Now there's an ITC at Warwell.

I suggest we send him down there

as guest of the Colonel's,
you'll have to send

one of our people down
there to shadow them.

The question is to whom
can we give the job?

Well, sir, it's rather difficult sir.

You see all our special
secret service agents

are who deuced well-known sir.

Mm, I got it, here, you
there, what's your name?

Carole Gayley, sir.

Are you aware of this
atomic fellow, Pureheart?

- Yes sir.
- Well they appear

to want to kill him and it's
gonna be your job to stop them.

Yes, sir.

I suggest you get into civilian docks,

in fact, I bet you better
do that right away.

You better get down to the ITC at Warwell

and report to the CO.

- Very good sir.
- Pretend to be

his daughter or something, is that clear?

Yes, sir.

And remember, this is absolutely secret.

Yes sir.

Don't breathe a word of this to anybody.

Any news, RSN?

I'm afraid not sir, the new officer left

the office some hours ago.

Well, what the devil
are we supposed to do?

An intake of the infantry service

due here at any time,
and I've got no adjutant.

I know sir.

And now to cap it there's this VIP

fellow on his way too.

- On his way to where sir?
- Here, man, here.

I can't think what the
War Office is up to.

They send me a civilian
scientist you know,

but they don't send me an adjutant.

He, he must have been
delayed on the road sir.

You'll pay for this, how
dare you put on my uniform.

It fits all right.

I warn you, I shall have the
hell of British army around...

- Ah, shut up.
- Once I get to Warwell.

You're gonna have a long
walk ahead of you tummy,

because I'm gonna borrow your car as well.

I say you can't take that.

I can't see without it.

You're not going to see, star dust,

all right adjutant?

Now for old Pureheart and his formula.

Feels fine to get into uniform.

I must say it feels good
to get out of uniform.

Oh, there you are my dear.

By George, you look even
prettier in front of me.

Thank you.

I was just cursing the War Office

for not sending me an adjutant,

but by gad, they've made up for it,

they've sent me a daughter.

There's just one thing.

When the professor arrives,
you'd better leave him to me.

I'm a bit worried about
someone getting undercover

of this new Z draught.

Oh yes, that's a point, yes.

Or for that matter
of someone giving away

the fact that he's there.

Hmm, yes, well don't worry about it.

I shall see that they don't talk.

Give me a short chat
on security some time.

Yes, what is it RSN?

Private Eccles, sir, usual
request for promotion board.

Eccles, not him again.

Six years that man's been
trying to get a stripe.

He's very keen sir.

Is he, hm, well that's something.

All right, I'll see him.

Excuse me a moment, my dear.

He'll see you now, come on,
right turn, the other right.

Quick march.


Private Eccles, sir.

You don't salute with
your cap off you know.

Now then, Eccles,
unfortunately I've not seen

my way before to promote
you towards corporal.

There are some privates
you know who are keen,

but not very intelligent.

There are sir?

Yes, there are.

But in your case, I'm
gonna give you a chance

to prove that you're not one of them.

Yeah, that's what I am.

- What?
- Not one of them.

Yes, now then I'm going
to make you PT Instructor,

acting unpaid of course,
in charge of the draught.

Oh, the Z Men, sir?

No, Z Girls, there's a
dozen or so recs joining us.

Ooh hoo hoo.

And there's no sort of
time for that sort of thing.

If you're going to make an efficient NCO,

you'll have to learn
how to use your voice.

Oh, but I do use my voice, sir.

I use it every time I speak.

I wouldn't use it any other way.

I meant words of command.

Go away and practise somewhere
and don't whisper, shout!

Yes sir!

Come lads, quick march,
left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, advance, turn,

company forward march.

Lovely year and time
for the weather, isn't it?

Oh, I see you're an MP, tell
me what is your constituency?

Congregational, sir.

Yeah, heh, well is there a
Colonel Bloodnok in residence?

I don't know anything about that sir,

- but he's in house.
- Oh splendid.

Which way?

Straight down the road,
first turn on the right,

- and you can't miss it.
- Yes.

With my driving I shall quite
probably hit it.


Good afternoon, welcome to
Warwell, I'm the CO's daughter.

- Oh splendid, splendid.
- You're Mr. Whitehead

- of course.
- I'm Pureheart, I'm sure...

Down here you'll be
known as Mr. Whitehead.

The fact that you're here in this cab

must be kept absolutely secret.

Oh I see, I use an assumed name

and pretend to be somebody that I'm not.

Exactly, let's go in, shall we?

- Yes.
- This way.


Hey my boy, you're on to something,

now can I get in the cab to watch him?

If you're talking to
yourself, don't do it

and if you're talking to me, shut up!

- Yes, but I just...
- Don't answer back,

stand to attention, will you!

What are you doing outside
the CO's house anyway?

Get in with the rest of the Z men.

- I'm not a Z man, I'm...
- Don't argue with me,


At the moment, I'm working
on a new form of gas.


Two kinds in fact, a tear
gas and a laughing gas.

Hm, then I suggest we tell the men

that you're a gas warfare
expert, Mr. Whitebread.

Whitehead, sir.

Whitehead, yes, yes.

Then none of them will ever suspect

that you're really connected
with Warwell Atomic Station.

Well that's the real trouble.

You see, there's no real reason why anyone

should want to try and kill me.

You see I've lost the formula.

- What?
- Well I wrote it

- down somewhere.
- Good heavens.

- You don't know where it is?
- Alas no.

I've got to remember, I must.

- Sorry to interrupt sir.
- Do I know you?

I'm Evans, the new adjutant.

- Oh well.
- I had a tyre

blow out on the way down,
very serious delay I'm afraid.

Yes, very serious,
still you're here now,

just in time to take in the new draught.

By the way, this is my daughter, Carole.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- How do you do?
- And this is Mr. Whitehog.

- Warthog sir.
- How do you do?

How do you do, sir?

Oh yes, yes, you better get off

and see to that draught,
your room is ready upstairs,

and yours Mr...

Wetwhite, yes that's right.

Now then you'll need a batmen won't you?

We shall need two in fact.

Tell the RSN to pick
out a couple, will you?

Very good sir.

You've all been in the service before.

You should know all the answers

without me having to tell you.

Don't hurry yourself, will you?

You've got all day.

Get in there, will you.

Who do you think you are?

- I think I'm bat.
- I know you are.

- What's your name?
- Harris.

- Harris!
- It's not necessary,

but thanks all the same.

By Jiminy, I'll!

The first thing to do
is to get you kitted up.

Anyone know where the
quartermaster's stores are?


Right, then I'll march
you down there myself.

Now don't forget the old words of command.


Wait for it!

As you were, squad, set at ease.

Now then, squad!

Wait for it, if you've
got anything in your legs.

- Sir?
- Well.

I shouldn't be it at all really.

I know you shouldn't, the other 12

are bad enough with you
making it a lucky 13.

As squad, head down.

Follow along and march.

Forward march, left,
right, left, right, and heel,

left, heel.

Oh yes, about turn, squad halt.

Forward for a smoke.

Left, right, ahead.

Left, right, left, right.

Squad left.

Well, left, right, left,
right, left, right ahead.

Squad, halt.

New draught sir.

Not very of them are there?

About turn.

About turn.

Excuse me, sir.

Squad dismiss.

Get back in there, the
army will think you're a,

you sons of a, I'll have
you all in chains for this.

- They're here, hurry.
- What does that mean?

The lead.

Get on, hurry up, come
on, hurry, come on, hurry.

Oh, go away.

Well, if he can't get you up, I will.

You, what do you
think you're playing at?

It wasn't me, sir.

I'll give you 28 days for this.

Report to the guard
room, you're on a charge.

Yes, sir, but sir...

Don't answer back, I've never heard

nothing like it all me life.

Well, I bet that woke them
up, certainly good I am.

You certainly woke
me up, what time is it?

- Half past five.
- Half past five?

- Yep.
- I don't get up till 8:00.

Ah, but you're in the army now.

No, I'm not, I came here
by error in the first place.

We all came here by
error in the first place.

But you don't understand,
I'm a detective really.

I'm on a Secret Service mission, I'm Bats.

So am I, but I'm getting over it.

No no Bats of the
Yard, here I'll show you.

I got my photograph here in the paper.

- In the paper?
- Yep.

Well how'd you do that?

Look at that.

Bats of the Yard.

Ooh, yeah, anything on the back?

Hey what are these figures here?

- Figures?
- Yeah.

Oh, that must be an old grocery list

that I was writing up for old Mr. Crabb.

- Oh.
- Old Mr. Crabb,

the 20 quid I collected from the club.

I have to get back.

He said he'd get me
five years if I lost it.

Oh, the army won't let you go now.

But they must, I got 20, 20 pounds.

20 quid, I've been
robbed, I'm a wanted man.

- Who wants you?
- The police.

They'll arrest me.


They all say I was mentally arrested.

Not you, look, I can't show my face

outside the barrack gates.

I can't show my face anywhere.

Wakey, wakey, rise and shine,

the sun's burning your eyes out.

Wakey, wakey, wakey, you horrible men.

What are you hanging around in here for?

Get cleaned up and
shaven up right will you?

Don't stand here all day
looking at your pinups.

What's he mean about pinups?

- These?
- Oh no, not them.

He means these.

We all have them over our beds you know.

Ain't you got something
to pin up over your bed?

- Yes, I have.
- What?

- This.
- Oh!

Now my dear chap, it's
no good going for me.

I can't help it, we'll just have to wait.

The old fool's lost the formula.

- How'd you know?
- The first thing

I ever heard when I got down here.

He said, I wrote it down somewhere

and I can't remember where.

- Ah they you are my friend.
- Quick, into the hutch.

- What's on today?
- Guerrilla warfare.

- Guerrilla warfare?
- Yeah.

- I know that.
- You do?

- Fall in.
- Fall in, right.

By George, more like
soldiers this morning,

you spot-scouted willow
rats, not much more,

but we'll soon order that.

And the first thing this morning

is to get two volunteers for batmen.

One for a new adjutant,

one for the new gas expert, Mr. Wideface.

Volunteers for batmen,
two paces forward, march!

Blimey, arsenic and old
lace, right you two,

report to the CO's office immediately.

Can I speak sir?

Not very well,
apparently, but what is it?

Well, the CO said that I could take

the women's PT class this morning.

So he did, right, that first

and then come back and go there

and follow the adjutant.

What does that make me sir?

The same!

You've got a lot of decorations
up this morning, Eccles.

Oh you mean these medals?

What do you got these four?

You really want to
know what I got them for?


10 bulbs a lot.


The rest of you in a PT kit.

I'll have a go at you
lots, we'll soon stiffen up

those flabby muscles.

You two right turn, right turn!

Quick march!

The actual action of sodium solicitate

on a benzoate solution.

Hm, it all sounds very
interesting Blackhead.

Whitehead, Whitehead.

Whitehead, yes, yes,
you've managed to get both

tear gas and laughing gas into
a condensed form, is that it?

Yes, as it were squeezed, squeezed,

I suspect I have two
samples upstairs in my room.

- Daddy, daddy.
- Hm, oh huh?

Couldn't the professor give the men

a lecture or something?

Yes, hydrogen ring concentration

in trichotal fedimithyne
onrecelical concentrations rates

or mother crust.

Yes, you know it would give a chance

to know the new draftees.

Hm, well I don't think
we want to bore them

with all that dribble
about oh I don't know,

we might as well, yes.

Why not, I'll go upstairs and collect

- the things from my room.
- Yes, righto.

- Right.
- Right, fine.

- Excuse me.
- Yes.

- More tea, daddy?
- Yes.

You know I'm rather beginning
to like this daddy business.

- Sugar daddy?
- My dear yes.

- Milk?
- Of course.

- Tea?
- No thanks,

- I never touch the stuff.
- Oh.

- Blimey, was that him?
- Yes.

- With all those whiskers?
- Why not?

He's a bulbous nightmare.

Well there's one thing said,

I shan't mistake him
when I come to do him.


Hey there, would you all kind of

nice to fall in.

- One.
- Two.

- Three.
- Four.

- Five.
- Six.

- Seven.
- Eight.

- Nine.
- 10.

- 11.
- 12.

Hoo hoo, that was fine, fine, fine.

And now we'll try, oh ho, now we'll try

exercise number one,

now do it exactly as I do,
all right you all, watch me.

One, two, three, four,
one, two, three, four.

Now then, exactly as I did
it, all together, ready go!

One, two, three, four, one,
two, three, four, one, two.

That's very good.

Something wrong here, oh yes.

Three, four, that's fine, fine, fine.

And now then we'll try it with music, eh.

Music, oh.

Here wait a minute, have
you got the right record on?

I think so.

I don't know.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, that was wonderful
girls, absolutely wonderful

and now we're gonna have another exercise,

so get the rings, come now now,
hurry up, all together now.

Don't waste any time.

Come now now, get in place there,

Cynthia, Mary, June, Penelope.

Now then this is what you do,

you swing them to the left
and swing them to the right...

And grab your partner and doozy do.

No, no, no, hold on, now then,

this is what you do, you
swing them to the left

and swing them to the right, okay?

Ready, one, two, three go.

Swing to the left and no no,
give them to me, Penelope.

Now then this is what you
do now, exactly as I do it.

You swing them to the left,

and swing them to the right, okay?

Good girl, count down exactly as I did it.

Now ready, one, go, you
swing them to the left,

and swing them to the right.

Halt, left turn.

These two men have
volunteered as batmen sir.

One for the adjutant...
And one for his knob.


Matter of fact, his
knob's not a bad description

for old Weltbreast or whatever
his confounded name is.


You might find out where
he is, would you Evans?

Very good sir.

I think he's upstairs
on my right you know.

Well, I'll find out, hello,

Whitehead one two one two, anybody there?

No, there's nobody there.


- The gas canisters.
- The gas,

you've dumped the gas!

Of course you'll have
to polish his buttons,

make his bed, run his bath and so on,

but it's one of the most
sought after jobs in the army.

I think you'll find
you'll be very happy here.

Yes sir, yes sir.

Thank you sir, it's very nice.

That's all right.

No need to take it to heart.

After all, we all want
to be happy now men.

Don't we, major?

Yes, we all want to be happy.

Of course we must have discipline.

And I leave that to you,
don't I, RSN?

Yes sir.

- I know what I can do sir.
- What?

I can give them fatigues.

Put them in chains.

And then double around their legs.

I'm terribly sorry.

This is all my fault.

He says it's all his fault.

Yes, it's all my fault.

I didn't mean it.

You know what I say, major.

Come along now.

Private Jones, whatever is the matter?

Oh come now, army life
can't be as bad as all that.

It's not that.

Well what is it then?

A love affair gone wrong?


Oh, you just need a
little womanly sympathy.

Now come on smile, just for me.

I'll try.

That's it, now come on,
just a teeny weeny smile.

That's it.

Well, really!

- Oh, that gas.
- Gas?

Professor's laughter and tears mixture.

Oh, I'm sorry miss

wouldn't like to offend you of all people.

I understand.

You're so understanding
and kind, and sympathetic.

Think so?

Ah, but sympathy can be a
dangerous thing you know.

# Sympathy is the strangest feeling #

# Takes you by surprise #

# And before you realise #

# What's happening, that other thing #

# Comes stealing too #

# Love is on its way #

# What can you do but shrug and say #

# If this is love #

# Then let it stay #

# It's much too sweet #

# To turn away #

# If this is love #

# Then I shall be #

# In love with you #

# Eternally #

# Please understand #

# I never planned #

# That love should start like this #

# You took my hand #

# And in that moment #

# Took my heart #

# Now take my limbs #

# And come what may #

# If this is love #

# We'll let it stay #

# You took my hand #

# And in that moment took my heart #

# Now take my limbs #

# And come what may #

# If this is love #

# We'll let it stay #

# If this is love #

# We'll let it stay #

Now then general as I was saying...

I've asked you to come here.

I've asked you to come here
on a very important matter.

It'll affect everyone, oh ho.

Oh that's better, that's better.

Now then I've received
information from the War Office

that says that certain secret documents...

Oh, it was really bad, so
is that all clear gentleman?

I'm sorry, sir, we
didn't quite catch the...

I was saying Bullshire,
I've had information

from the War Office that a dangerous spy

has penetrated this camp and he's trying

to get hold of a secret
formula which belongs

to the Warwell Atomic people.

It is essential therefore
that none of your men talk.

Careless talk may mean disaster.

We don't know who the spy is,

probably got in with the last Z intake.

We can screen those men sir.

Hm, yes, but it may be a woman disguised

as a RAC or something?

I would like to remind you gentleman

that one of the world's most famous spies

was a woman, Mata Hari.

She was a particularly clever woman,

very, very beautiful, a
singer if you remember,

who by showing sympathy and
using all her feminine allure

got young soldiers under her spell.

They believed her to be their friend

and from them she got their secrets.

Have we a Mata Hari amonst us?

Is there a woman spy on this camp?

Well, that is all gentleman.

Keep your eyes open and above all,

see that your men don't talk.

Do you wish to attend
hall inspection, sir?

Oh, that's a good idea, like to have

the place looking spartan.

We'll go along, shall we?

No, nothing's broken yet.

It's the formula that's
holding up everything.

Once Pureheart gets his back again,

the balloon will go up and the professor

will be taken for a ride.

Yes, yes, I'll let you know.

- Good bye.
- Caught red-handed.

So you thought by sympathy and
all of your feminine allure

you'd get me under your spell.

What on Earth are you talking about?

The game's up, Mata Hari, I'm Bats.

You're telling me!

I know all about you masquerading

as the colonel's daughter about Pureheart

pretending to be Whitehead,
about the formula,

about bumping people off
and taking people for rides

and everything, I'm the
world's greatest detective.


Now look Jimsy, you
apparently know a good deal,

so you can help.

I'm not a Mata Hari, I'm MI5 Gayley.


Yes, now you know there's
going to be a concert tonight.

Well the attempt will be made then

when everyone's at the hall.

Now the spies have tried to get
hold of the missing formula,

but no one knows where it is.

Yes, not bad.

Not bad at all.

But these pinups or
whatever you call them,

those will have to come down.

Can't have those up, can we?

- No sir.
- Not regulation.

Make a note of that, RSN, will you?

- Very good sir.
- But sir,

we dream about these.

You do?

Give me that one.

- This one?
- Yes.

- How about that one?
- I said this one here.


- Revolting.
- Yes, nauseating.

This one's even worse, give me that.

Yes sir.

What do you do with this,
have nightmares about it?

Bats of the Yard, it seems horrible.

You know it's funny,
that photo looks familiar.

I wonder where I saw it before.

Oh look there's some figures on the back.

It seems to be some sort of a formula.

- Yes.
- A formula?

- Yeah.
- Can I see it?

- Yeah, certainly.
- I don't suppose

it's important, but I'd better keep it.

RSN, remind me to see Private Jones

and tell him not to pin his
press cuttings up in the hut.

Very good sir.

You can carry on now, RSN.

I'm going to finalise
these concert arrangements.

Now you better come with me Eccles.

Oh good, I like concerts sir you know,

been to lots of concert, Danny Kaye's one.



De dado lay, hippide dado
lay, gallop, gallop again,

leave it to gallop again, hippide
dado lay, hippide dado lay

hippi de gallop gallop
again, hippi dado lay.

Yes, well that seems to be okay.

- Yes sir.
- Well now Stanton

how long does this act of yours run?

About 10 minute sir.

- 10 minutes?
- Yes, sir.

You can't make all those
changes of costume in 10 minutes.

Well you see sir it's
a quick change act.

I'm sorry, I don't
see how it can be done.

I'll show you sir, ready Bert?


Monsieur, Cyrano de Bergerac

and every change as quick as that.

- Okay, that's fine Mr.
Bergerac, uh, Stanton.

Now what's next?

The girls, ah, all right
chaps get this stuff off

as quickly as you can.

- Eccles.
- Sir.

Get your girls down
here as quick as you can.

- Come on girls.
- Line up here.

Come on girls, follow the script girls.

- Penelope, come right here.
- All right, come on, come on.

All right, go ahead,
yes sir, all right, sir?

Hello professor is everything all right?


Ah, that face, I've seen it
somewhere before recently.

I've got it, you're Bats in the Belfry.

- Bats of the Yard.
- Yeah, that's it.

The newspaper cutting,
the figures on the back,

- that's my formula!
- The formula!

Yes, yes, I remember now
I was in a grocery shop

and you were in the grocery shop,

you were laying square eggs.

But the formula, who's got it now?

Ah, the adjutant.

- The adjutant?
- Yes.

Signed, sealed and almost delivered.

So now we can get busy
with old Pureheart, eh?

You can, but not just yet.

I don't want to arouse any suspicion.

I'll put this under lock and key

and then try and get in
touch with headquarters.

But why can't I do in old Pureheart now?

Because there'll be a
much better chance tonight

when they're all busy at the concert.

The file officer turned
to the air commodore,

he said, " You know sir,
we can't land a sea plane

"on an run way, don't you?"

And the air commodore said, "I'm perfectly

"well aware of that,"
got up, opened the door,

fell in the sea and hasn't
been heard of since.

There you go, glass there.

Well ladies, I think we might as well

be getting across, pretty good cheer

they've fixed up for us so I'm told.

Your daughter's signing
isn't she colonel?

My who, daughter?

Oh yes, yes, she is, a
couple of songs I believe.

Anyway, when the adjutant arrives
we'll get across shall we?

I believe he's gone over already sir.

He has, well, we're go now in that case.

I always thought it was
tremendously entertaining.

The men do so well.

Very good, girls, very,
very good, hurry along now.

Oh dear, I'm on next.

Now look, hold the floor for me.

As soon as I'm through, I'm going over

to the get formula back
before my second number.

- Shall I come too?
- No, you stay here.

Fill me in for me if I
don't get back in time.

- Okay.
- Okay.

# Here's the story, a
sad and dismal tale #

# Of a fall from blazing
glory of a miserable male #

# He was tall, dark,
handsome as could be #

# And the ladies always
looked upon him lovingly #

# But tall, dark and handsome
was called upon to serve #

# His country for a
fortnight in the Z reserve #

# He was proud, please,
how could he foresee #

# The sort of things that
happen in the Queen's army #

# For when he arrived the
sergeant major swore #

# I've never seen anything
like it in my life before #

# His smart civic suit was cut so square #

# With a drape up the
back and so was his hair #

# The colonel then was heard to pry #

# Down among the Z men,
down the among the Z men #

# Down down down down down
among the Z men, let him lie #

# They thrust both his feet
into thick army socks #

# They cruelly chopped off
his long, black locks #

# When a battle dress replaced
his smartly cut suits #

# His shoulders were no wider
than his big army boots #

# And then was heard his anguished cry #

# Down among the Z men,
down among the Z men #

# Down down down down #

# Down among the Z men, let him lie #

# The ladies who with love were torn #

# Now pretended not to know
him, all laughed with scorn #

# There's a martyr tale
that's plan to see #

# The shape nature made
him a man must be #

# For he must hear the ladies cry #

# Down among the Z men,
down among the Z men #

# Down down down down #

# Down among the Z men, let him lie #

And now ladies and gentleman,
for our surprise item.

You've heard the colonel's
charming daughter.

Now here is the colonel
himself, Colonel Bloodnok.

Ladies and gentleman,
the other day I went along

to the cinema, I love the
cinema to see one of these

American war films and in
this American war film,

there was a young lieutenant,

we know them as lieutenant,
who endeavoured to save the day

save the whole army
from entire destruction.

You see he wasn't very successful

and that is why I'm going to show you

a little burlesque now of what happened.

I'd like you to imagine
the scene in a battlefield

inside a rather battle-scared headquarters

and there are three
high-ranking American officers

standing around a table
and they call this young

lieutenant into the
room, it goes like this.

Lieutenant Hargraves.


I have call you here because we are in

a very, very grave position.

Yes, sir.

We are not only completely,
oh, one moment, lieutenant,

hello, HQ, yes, we're the
and another thing goodbye.

Lieutenant, we are not
only completed surrounded

by units of the 15th Panzer Division,

but they are at this very
moment lieutenant surrounding

and penetrating our main defence line.

Yes, sir, gentleman, it's a
good thing you called me in.

I can get you all out of this.

My plan is very simple,
permission to speak sir?

Thank you sir.

Now then we are here
and the enemy is here.

Now then what happens is this,

they attack not knowing I'm
working for them you see.

I close in, my men, mm.

Oh, good evening, ladies and gentleman.

I've actually come here

this evening to try and
sell you this lovely old

antique chair on behalf
of an absolutely smashing

cause of a charity, in
actual fact it is on behalf

of those incredibly brave
lads of the civil service

that in our country's
hour of the direst need,

they threw down the pen and
then they took up the gun

and gosh, got a got a few ideas,

exactly the self same chaps
sort of sweating it out

and working away in the fields

the factories and the forests

in order to keep
our glorious splendid empire

still flying.

You see, you see, you hold
in your hands the key,

the golden key, then why don't you turn it

and unlock the door to this,
oh would you flatly mind

if I closed the door,
there's a heck of a draught.

Wouldn't you rather that
we all went forth together

united as one and booked
a new road to right here.

Gentleman, you generous
impulses go handcuffed,

will it be marked deaf, marked
deaf in a pillory of shame?

No my friends, not whilst the milk of

human kindness flows in your veins.

Can't you see, in our ship yards today,

they're trying to build a
mighty new vessel of steel,

then let us launch it and let it slide

slowly down the slip
way towards the ocean.

The ocean with all its ocean ocean

shall then, shall then
this great ship of steel

move rudderless through the
turbulent meadows of fortune,

or wouldn't you rather put
your hands to the plough

and guide it along the straight and


I believe it was someone who said,

"Strong walls do not the prison make,

"nor the iron bars the cage,

"but look, look into the mirror."

Come at, come at the tangled web

of political apathy and
as the shreds of despair

cast them off, and then let
the great music of adoration

pluck, pluck at the heart strings

and with one, the cold, clear
clarion call

make a desperate bid,
for these schillings,

I thank you very much for this.

Everything's going fine
and the professor's round

the back of the stage, as
soon as he comes out, get him.


Now where's Stanton,
are his clothes ready?

Oh yes, all ready behind the screen.

He goes out first to
make his opening spiel,

then I have his first change all ready.

Good fine, there he is now.

Good evening, ladies and gentleman.

It gives me great
pleasure to present to you

this evening, a character
sketch in which I play

no fewer than 10 different
characters in as many minutes.

In civilian life, I played this sketch

before all the crowned heads of Europe

and I hope sincerely it
gives you as much pleasure

as it gave them.

We start with that great
character from history,

Cyrano de Bergerac.

Fools who think to taunt me that,

my nose, this nose that grows
like some enchanted rose

from out the earthy contours of my face

is something to be
mocked, has it not grace?

What other nose than this
can boast such strength,

such grandeur, such enormity, such length,

my tears of gratitude for such a one,

standing trembling in
my eyes, but do not run

a gasp at such a journey.

Mr. Crabbs, the 20 quid,
he's got a copper with him.

I'm getting out of here, come on.

Of my nose
and when I clasp a maiden

in my arms lying to my nose,
for I have other charms,

should we stop for fear someone's behind

some peeping Tom, I see to ease her mind,

fear not, 'tis but this that's
breathing down your back,

the nose of Cyrano de Bergerac.

Now you stop there
and wait for the crooks

and I'll go upstairs and
look for Carole, okay?


Got it.

Woo hoo.

That's fine, take that.

My poor head.

Blimey, I ought to charge
him for a bear skin rug.

- Where is he?
- Here I am.

Help, oh police, doggone criminals

, you thug, help!

Excuse me, sir.

I'm looking for a man named Jones.

He's a Welsh fellow.

He's stolen 20 pounds of mine

and I'd like to see that he gets 10 years.

10 years is it, a long time, is it?

I mean 10 years is a long time, is it?

10 years, name is Jones you say?

- That's right.
- Welsh you say.

- Yes.
- Well I've seen

not an ounce of him,
I'll tell you.

- Try the grounds.
- Right sir.

It's all right, professor,
I've got the formula back

and I've given it to the CO.

I'm not the professor.

- Harry.
- Jones.

Well where's the real professor?

Upstairs with the
folks, everybody else is.

Oh well done, lads, well
done, so they were the spies.

What should we do with them?

Take my advice and
leave them where they are.

# Down #

# Down #

# Down #

# Down #

# Down among the Z men, let them lie #