Double D Dude Ranch (2016) - full transcript

- I wouldn't touch that
piece if I were you, Clint.

- Miss Diana I thought you
were... - In the shower?

Now raise both your
hands up and turn around!

Nice and slow.

- Have I been a
bad wrangler, mam?

- Nothing a little roll
in the hay can't fix.

- Oh Penelope our
first real vacation!

I feel like we've been
freed from office hell.

- Don't mention the
office, please!

I mean look we've got the
green grass, the blue sky...

Ah the fresh country air!



This is the good life!

The double "D" dude ranch.

- Yup, best in the west
and we are going all the way.

- Into the sunset?

- Bare-backers add on,
you better believe it girl.

- Alright girls final stop!

- Something feels
really special about this place!

Like home sweet home.

I know we're gonna love it here,
I just know it!

- Morning ladies,
welcome to the DD.

Don't worry about
your bags I'll get that later.

Name's Lucky Luke.

- As in lucky to
work in paradise?

This place is way cool!



- Titillating ain't it?

- Are you really
lucky, Lucky Luke?

- That's a double "D"
guarantee. And you are?

- My name is Annie.
- And I'm Penelope.

- The good the bad and the tender feet.
How's about I show you to your rooms?

Well I could use a foot rub.

- Don't be silly Annie c'mon!

- Well ladies here's your room,
this is the end of the tour.

- Wow, everything
is so beautiful!

I can't wait to go explore,
everything is just so good!

- Yea, thanks for
showing us around.

- Need anything just holler,
we're having a campfire at dusk,

hope to see you
two ladies there.

- Man I'm gonna
love this place!

Me too!

- Why don't we go freshen
up before we hit the trails?

Finest... little lady.

- Come with me.

- Have a seat Diana.

- You can barge in here!

- Luke let us in,
isn't that right Dirk?

- Yep.

- Sherrie Underwood,

of all the dirty dealing scoundrels
on this side of Hatchet County

the answer is still no.

- Not even a peck on the cheek? You
haven't even heard my proposition yet.

- Cut and run Sherrie!

How many times do I
have to tell you?

This ranch has been in the
Dean family for six generations

and I aim to keep it that way!

- Do you hear what I hear Dirk?
- I hear something alright.

Sounds like squawking.

- We're done,
we're double done now get out!

- Feisty aren't we?

- No, I've got a suitcase full of
money saying that we're not done.

We're just getting started.

- You're dirty money isn't
welcome around these parts.

Underwood!

- You and your horse pecker
boyfriend sure make a nice couple,

sure would be a shame if
something were to happen to him.

- Out!

- This ranch will be worth nothing but a
dust fart after that highway is diverted

I can see it now,
the dust dried dude ranch.

- Out!

- Well Dirk it looks like we've
outworn our welcome again.

- Where to now?

- To bed of course, c'mon.

Well there's no other way,
we gotta do it.

We won the ranch and the oil.

- What about that
wrangler, Clint?

- Don't worry about
him, I'm his poison.

- You're mine.

- Shyla, now that's
a pretty name.

- All the boys call her
Shy because that's what she is.

La la la, ain't that right?

- Jill's such a liar.

All Shy girl really wants is a
man to lasso her panties off.

- I hear ya, all men should
be rugged and rough.

- You always have a dirty mind.

- Hey just give me a pair of spurs and
a mustang and I'll melt sugar into gold.

- Man's gotta have a body like
buried treasure, "X" marks the spot.

You got that right.

- You girls sure
are giggling rich.

That's what I like to hear.

- Penelope over there's
looking for a rugged suitor.

- A birthday suit?
I've got one of those.

Perhaps I could oblige her.

- Oh yea, suit me up!

- I had fun today,
thanks for showing us around.

- It's all in a days work.

You two ladies came
in on the late bus.

Just a few hours ago.
- Straight from the airport.

- And not a ranch hand in sight to
help us with this horrible jet lag..

- Ding dong, I think
you both just struck oil.

- How so?

I know a ranch hand sure can grease
a skillet if you're not too shy.

It works wonders for jet lag.

- But it's a bit
"nippley" out here.

- I'm talking cool
hands and a warm fire.

Ladies, you game?

- After you.

- Have fun! Enjoy!

- Sherrie Underwood is
a disgrace to this community,

her money and her damn highway.

I am not gonna let her muscle
me out of my family's ranch.

- She's never been nothing
but a damn dirty tramp.

And as for that other one, Dirk,
dill rod or whatever his name is,

if he lays one finger on you...

- This ranch, Clint,
it's all I've got.

The Double D is my only home.

- Dian Dean don't you worry, I got
both hands in on the Double D pot.

We can handle this.

- You're the best.

- Gotta fight fire with fire.

- Wow, where did
you get this stuff, Annie?

It's got some kick.

- Lucky Luke gave it to me.

- Now pass me
that whiskey, mam.

- So uh, is that
your six shooter?

- That there is my pride and
joy. Little Clint.

Best damn revolver from Abilene,
Texas to Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

Or is it Taluca Lake?

- Well I bet you know
how to shoot a load or two.

- A man can learn a lot working
out here under the stars.

- Yea, they're
really beautiful.

Like a whole field of
tiny winking bullets.

- Would you like me to show
you them stars up close?

- I'd like that, yea.

- Hey! It's loaded...

- So am I.

- Careful now, one squeeze of the
trigger and Little Clint goes boom.

Lights out. Now c'mon,
hand him back over.

- So tell me, are you a real
honest to goodness cowboy?

- Baby, I got fire in my eyes.

- Wow.

Say... why don't you teach me
how to shoot sometime?

- Are you serious!

- Only if you're be hard on me.

- Oh baby it'll be
hard, real hard.

- Have you ever dreamt
of living in the big city?

- Honey, I've had my
share of traffic jams,

one night stands and
rat race honky-tonk.

The Double D it's all
that matters now.

- I wish I could be free
like you Miss Dean.

- Don't let life
do you sweetie,

you gotta lick it clean
before the river runs dry.

- Have you ever kissed a girl?

- Um, I've kissed a
girl or two yes, why?

- Well, sometimes
Penelope and I...

- Shh, I know just
what you mean.

- Good, good! Watch
the kick on that.

Hey that's not half bad.

You keep this up and
you'll out shoot me,

and there ain't nobody in
this town better than me.

- I bet you say that
to all the city girls.

- No, I only say that to ones with
the breasts... I mean best aim!

Diana?

Hey, hey now calm down,
what's the matter?

What? We'll be right there.

- What's wrong? - It's
Diana, let's go check it out.

- Clint! Over here, over here.

Come!

- What's the matter!

- It's the aquifer,
pipe's been sabotaged.

There is no water.
- Well hell!

- I don't know, we're screwed!

- You don't think...
- Who else is it gonna be?

- Could you please tell
us what's happening!

- Quiet, now when
did this happen?

- Sometime last night? I mean the
ranch is almost completely dry.

- Those low down dirty
sons of bitches!

- Oh this is awful!

- Miss Diana, Mr. Clint...

- What is it!

- I think we can switch
to the backup well

and at least have a little
water coming in by nightfall.

It's not perfect but...
- Will it hold?

- A day or two...

- I think that'll
be our best bet.

Thank Lucky. Now get to it. -
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait...

Take the truck and report
this to Sheriff McQuaid,

tell him that there's been a rat here
and we're gonna take care of the problem.

- Will do.

- Kid sure is lucky.
- Yea but what are we gonna do!

- You stay here with the girls and
I'm gonna nip this snake in the bud.

- You mean...
- Yea.

I'm gonna pay our friend Sherrie
Underwood a little visit.

- Give her my regards.

- Could you please tell
us what's happening.

- It has to do with the ranch.

- Are we in danger?

- I don't think so, I'm not gonna
let anything happen to anyone here.

That's a Dean family promise.

- And the water? - Lucky,
he'll take care of that.

- Diana, who is Underwood?

- Sherrie Underwood,
she's just a sleazy lawyer.

She's been harassing me for
weeks trying to buy the Double D.

I guess she's just
jealous of my double D's.

We all are.

- Well girls, c'mon now,
I can take care of that.

Follow me.

- Here we go!

Cheers.

- Your whiskey is dry
Underwood, single barrel?

- You still double
barreling it?

- Why were you talking
to Diana Dean yesterday?

- I wanted to take your
girl for a spin that's all.

- Aquifer went to hell this morning
but you already knew that, didn't you?

- Are you accusing
me of something?

- As a matter of fact I am.

What did you do, have one of your
henchmen go over and sabotage it?

- You know I never
kiss and tell.

Come here, let me
show you something.

- So...

- I can't be bought that easy,
you should know that by now.

- I... own you.

- Thanks for the hooch
but if I ever see you or Dirk

creeping around the Double
D it ain't gonna be good.

Happy trails.

- So what's the verdict?

- I guess we're gonna
have to scare them off.

- People scare
better when dying.

- Shh, shh, shh.

Hello?

The Sheriff!

Consider it done.

So Dean's unlucky gopher
had a run in with the Sheriff,

tipped off the pig,
even mentioned us by name.

- Where's that pecker at?

- Probably on his way
back to the Double D.

- I don't think
he's gonna make it.

- Right on time.

- What the...

Slippery oil? What's
this all about?

- Good morning!

- Howdy miss. You do realize this land
is property of the Double D Dude Ranch?

- That's why I'm here, sir.

- Slippery oil, what's that?

- Just marking these areas for Texas T,
apparently this land is filled with it.

- Texas T... Wait a minute!
Who sent you here?

Did Miss Dean send you?

- It was... Sherrie Underwood.

Does that name ring a bell?

- Bat shit on a dime it does!

- It says here she's the sole
owner of the Double D Ranch.

- Underwood? Oil?

Hmm... wait a minute.

- Is he gone?
- Shh, keep it down.

Aw son of a duck nosed signal!

Probably just a hunter
mistaken us for some game.

- You saved my life Mister!

- I's lucky is all.

- Are we safe here? - I know,
come with me just keep down.

- I think my truck is
just down that hill.

- Swell!

- You know back there you
didn't have to do that for me.

- Sometimes the risk
is worth taking.

- I think I need to repay
you for saving my life.

- Clint where are you!

Clint! Did you get
Underwood to spill the beans?

- The only thing Clint
spilled was his load.

- Underwood!

What have you done to Clint!

- Your bull was here
I satisfied him.

- What do you want from us!

- You know exactly what I want.

- The Double D will
never ever be yours.

- There's something that you
don't know about me, Diana.

- And what's that?

- I can be a real bitch
when I don't get my way.

- Lick my boots Sherrie.

- And when I don't get
my way I huff and puff.

- Bring it on tramp!

- And when I huff and puff
Double D's get blown to dust.

- Get to the point!

- Sell or face
the consequences.

- I oughta grind
your face in the mud.

- In other words...

- In other words...
go to hell you crazy bitch!

- I suggest you
hightail it outta there

before the devil himself
gets to the Double D.

- Tell the devil we're ready.

Clint?

Is that you!

Sherrie... I just talked
to her on the phone

I think her douche bag of
a boyfriend is on his way.

- It makes sense. I saw a strange
truck out on the dirt road.

It must be his.

- What are you gonna do!

- What a man's gotta do.

- Be careful.

- Dirk! I know you're out there, come
on out and let's settle it like men.

- Over here.

- Well I guess this is it, huh.

Whenever you're ready.

- Say go.

- It's over, Dirk.

It's over.

- You heard him,
honey, it's over.

- So is it true what Diana
and Clint were saying?

- What were they saying?

- Oh... just how you
saved the day and all.

- Well if it had anything to
do with me being a six

shooting cowgirl from
the big city... I'll take that.

- Hey now trying to
steal my sweetie?

- Well my hands are
always in the cookie jar.

- Now could I have
everyone's attention!

- Honey you can
have the whole enchilada.

- Well I just wanna thank all
you ladies for supporting

the Double D and with the
extra money we have coming

in we wanna make you
all permanent members.

- So you mean we're part
of the Double D family now?

- Girl, saddle up.

- Now I especially wanna thank
this pretty little lady over here.

If it wasn't for her I don't
think I'd be standing here

in front of you all right now.

Penelope, you done good kid.
Real good.

Thank you.

- To Diana Dean and Clint!

The best in the west!

The best in the west!

- Celebrate!