Dopey Dicks (1950) - full transcript

The stooges become detectives and go to the aid of girl in the clutches of a mad scientist. The boys arrive at a spooky mansion where the madman is building a mechanical man that needs a human head. After declining the opportunity to supply a stooge-head for the experiment, they find the girl and escape, only to wind up in a car driven by the headless robot.

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[♪]

What a day, moving
that guy all the way

from the 13th floor.

Boy, am I exhausted.

Hope you didn't strain yourself
carrying that duster.

No, I can take it.

All right, put that lamp
in the corner.

It ought to go
against that wall.

The corner.
The wall.

The corner.
The wall.

The corner.
That's better.



Get busy, now,
and don't drop anything.

A mustache.

What an improvement.

[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]

Oh, paint.

What have you got
in the hand?
Nothing.

[SPITS]

SHEMP:
A-choo!

[CRASHING]

[CHUCKLES]

Sneezed.

Hey, Larry.

[SNORING]

It's 5:00.



I'm up, I'm up.

Gee, it must be great
to be a private eye.

You're rough and you're tough,

you got to be ready
for anything.

You always have a stubby little
gun in the top drawer,

just in case of trouble.

This guy's expecting
a lot of trouble.

But what a life.

You could be relaxing,
just like this

when a beautiful dame
rushes in, desperate,

not knowing where to turn.

[PANTING]

Oh, I'm in dreadful trouble.

I'm desperate.
I don't know where to turn.

I'm sorry, lady, but I--

No, no, I won't take no
for an answer.

Strange men
are following me.

They'd be strange
if they didn't. Heh-heh-heh.

Don't you understand?

My life's in danger.

Why, I can't make
a move without--

[SCREAMS]

What happened to him?

Where'd he go?

Spread out.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

What'd you find?
Not a thing.

Come on.

We couldn't find him, lady.

Now she disappeared.

[GRUNTS]

When you make a right turn,
put your arm out.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, fellas.

She left her bracelets.

And a note.

"Please help me. Take my jewels.
They're all I have.

"Come to 275 Mortuary Road
quickly,

or it will be too late."

We got to help her.

But we'll give
her back her bracelets.

This is my chance
to be a private eye.

That poor kid is in trouble.

Well, how are you going
to handle the case?

Easy. I'll use my wits.

Now she's really in trouble.

Oh, yeah? I ought
to let you have it.

Well...
You can have it.

Thanks.

[GRUNTS]

Look what you did.
I'm not finished.

[YELPS]

Come on, get going.

I will, I will.
Come on.

[CAR APPROACHES]

[THUNDER CLAPS]

About your young assistant,
professor, I'm afraid she--

Not now, Ralph,
this is more important.

We're on the verge of
a critical test.

If this succeeds,
we'll make thousands of them,

an army of mechanical men.

[MACHINERY CLANGS]

Look out!

Oh, I've failed again.

And that's the third head
he's ruined.

With a bit more research--

No, Ralph,
it's the same old story,

he simply can't see
where he's going.

I know.

What he needs is
a human head, with a brain.

I propose to get one.

Come with me, Ralph.
I want to show you something.

There. This will do the job
neatly and cleanly. Look.

[BUZZES]

See? Heh-heh!
That's all there is to it.

Now, if I only had
a human...head.

No, no.

Ralph, your brain for science.
No, no.

But I haven't got
any brains.

You've told me so yourself,
remember?

[THUNDER CLAPS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah. Visitors.

That's funny, no answer.

Well, nobody's home,
let's go.

Wait a minute. You wanted
to be a private eye,

now you got to go
through with it.

Ah, three of them.

There's the answer
to your problem.

Perhaps you're right, Ralph.
Show them in, show them in.

That girl's in trouble,

and we got to get
to the bottom of it.

[BONKS]

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

Wait a minute.

Come in, gentlemen,
come in.

[THUNDER CLAPS]

Pray,
make yourselves at home.

Your hats.

No, we'll hold on to them.

Where's the young lady
that lives here?

Young lady? About 5'2"
with golden hair?

ALL:
Yes.

Blue eyes...?
ALL: Yes, yes.

Long curling lashes?
ALL: Yes, yes, yes.

Haven't seen her.

We know the girl's here.
Come clean, or we'll--

Suppose, uh, you step in
and see the master?

Perhaps he can help you.
Okay.

Just a moment, gentlemen,
one at a time.

The professor
doesn't like crowds.

Ah, nice, high forehead.

You--
Just a minute.

I'm the brains of this outfit.

Brains? Come with me.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't go away, gentlemen.

We may need all of you.

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

I don't like the looks
of that guy.
Neither do I.

You keep your eye on him,
I'll go look for the girl.

[THUNDER CLAPS]

This is the best of
the lot, professor,

which isn't saying
very much.

Thank you, thank you.

I say, that will
be all, Ralph.

Yeah, that'll be all, Ralph.

Queer sort of a duck.

[LAUGHING MANICALLY]
Yes.

You're all right.

Hey, what's this all about?
There's a young lady here--

In due time,
my dear sir. In due time.

First, I want you
to look down that hole,

where you'll be surprised.

What have I got to lose?

It's sort of a garbage disposal,
I didn't see anything.

Well, uh, take
a good, long look.

[SCREAMING]

Every man for himself. Oh!

[RINGS]

[CRANKS]

[GRUNTS]

[MUFFLED]
Oh, help me.

What,
you got a toothache?

Help me out of here.
What'd you say?

Wait till I take this off.

Oh. Thank goodness
you got here.

You're not a minute too soon.

Well, untie me.
Oh, okay.

[YELPS]

Take it easy. Easy, now.

[SCREAMING]

[BOING]
[SCREAMS]

[CHOKING]

Beat it, bub, a guy can get
his head cut off around here.

You'll find it in the bucket.

[YELPS]

Oh, thanks.

Those men are fiends, look.

"Two men escape State Hospital,
all-points alarm goes out."

Well, you can
stop worrying, sister.

Nothing is going to happen
while I'm around.

[SCREAMS]

[GASPING]

I don't seen nothing--

Gone again.

What makes her so restless?
Ha-ha-ha.

[CLANG]

Got him.

Moe. Is your head okay?

Yeah, pretty good.
What did you hit me with?

This.
Oh. Pewter.

Yeah, it's antique--

[GRUNTS]

I found the girl, all right,
but she disappeared.

That's it, disappear.

That's what we
got to do. Come on.

[YELPS]

Moe, Moe, what is that?
I don't know.

[THUNDER CLAPS]

[SCREAMS]

[YELPS]

[SPRINGS CLANG]

Larry, help!

Don't worry, kid,
I'll have you out in a minute.

[GROANING]

Larry, what are
you waiting for?

Give me a hand, will you?
Give me a hand.

Oh, I was suffocating
under there.

Goodness.

Thanks, Larry, I nearly--

Oh, no, no, Larry!
Oh, Moe! Oh!

Larry! Larry!

[YELPING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Poor Larry.

[RINGS]

Operator. Operator. Get me
the State Hospital, quick.

OPERATOR:
Consult your directory.

Listen, operator, I ain't
got no directory.

Look behind you, please.

[MUTTERS]

Central section, north-eastern
section, Western section.

If I don't hurry,
we'll all be in sections.

Maybe it's in here.

[THUNDER CLAPS]

[GRUNTS]

State Hospital,
here we are. Main, 2-4-6-8.

Main, 2-4-6-8.
Main, 2-4-6-8...

[RINGS]

Operator, I want Main...

Main? Hm.

How do you like that?

Ah, Main, 2-4-6-8.
Now we'll have action.

[RINGS]

I got it, operator.
It's Main 2--

Larry, is that you?

[SCREAMS]

MOE:
Psst. Hey, Shemp.

[YELPS]

They got him,
and he's still talking.

[CHITTERING]

What's the matter with him?
I'm still in one piece.

Oh, yeah?
[YELPS]

[BONES CRACK]

[SCREAMING]

Don't go away.

[WHIMPERS]

[MUTTERING, SCREAMS]

How do you like that?

What's the matter
with that egghead?

Nervous, I guess.

Yeah.

I say, would you mind
opening this?

Why, certainly.

That's a high hat.
Ha-ha-ha.

[SCREAMS]

Hey, that was Moe.

[GROANING]

[YELPING]

Hey, Moe, I didn't know
it was you.

Oh, for a look
at a friendly face.

[SCREAMS]

Hey, Moe.
We found a secret passage.

I'm right with you.
Wait a minute.

Where's Shemp?
He got away.

I got the professor
locked in the closet. See?

[SWALLOWS]

Try and get out of this one.

[YELPS]

Wait for me! Moe!

Hey,
here comes the car.

Hey, wait. Stop.

Hey.
He stopped. Come on.

Hey, wait for me.

Thanks, mister.
You saved our lives.

LARRY: Let's go.
MOE: Oh, boy.

Safe at last.

Argh! Look!

[ALL WHIMPER]

SHEMP:
Easy.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[♪]