Doomsdays (2013) - full transcript

Somebody broke in.

Fuck me.
Did you lock the door?

Of course I did.

Really?!

Fucking now?

Fuck.

Splendid.

What do you got?

Just lots of beans so far.

Pineapples.

Lots of bullshit.



They got your favorite.

- Scotch!
- Applesauce.

Trade.
Want to trade?

All right.

Hello, we're not in right now,

but please leave a message
and have a great day.

Hey, Joel, I know you're there.
Just wait for me, please.

I'm coming right now, okay?
I'll be there in 90 minutes.

Don't do anything
until I get there.

Horse shit! Horse shit!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Why does this always fucking
have to happen?!

Fuck!



It's your turn.

No, it isn't.
I keep meticulous records.

The fuck you do.

Look, I'll go first next time.
That is my solemn vow.

Bullshit.

Solemn vow.

Splendid!

Yes.

All right.

So, what do you think?

Private home, definitely.

Interesting.

I say rental.

No way.

Looky. Look.

Rental agreement.

How much?

7 grand.

What?! a fucking month?!

Not for long.

How about a little fire,
scarecrow?

Are you fucking kidding me,
dude?!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Son of a...

Oh, yes! Yes!

All right,
this isn't doing it for me.

What do you mean?

My frustration is massive.

We got to go.

Where?

Anywhere there's a female
in residence,

preferably a drunk one.

You're dreaming.

Look, just 'cause
you only use or dick to piss

doesn't mean that I have to.

And where we gonna go?

It's 3:30 in the afternoon.

My penis will lead us.

Fuck!

And how will it get us there?

Look, I could just
hot-wire it with a gum wrapper.

No, I won't ride in this.
You know that.

Couldn't you, just once,

refrain from being
such an impossible ass?

What if whipped cream
tasted like mayonnaise?

That would be weird, right?

Hello, ladies.
What are you drinking?

Who wants to know?

A profane, charmed moi.

And I would like to buy
you girls a drink.

For real?

All of your top-shelf dreams
fulfilled.

Seriously.

Whiskey.

That's what I like to hear.

Make it four.
Two for them. Two for me.

So...

Just in time.

This sunshine-y individual
is my friend Bruho.

Bruho...

- Kim.
- Trish.

Trish.

Are you guys vacationing here?

We are.
It is a lovely town.

Ha ha! You really think so?

Yes.

Quite squalid.

Are you... are you
renting a-a place around here?

We have some real-estate
investments in the area.

So, how come you're so generous?

Buying drinks and all?

Burning through my inheritance,

trying to prove everyone right
about me.

What do they say?

That I am a solipsistic fuckwad

and I don't care about anybody.

You talk funny.

I sure do.

What do you do?

Cut hair.

I-I go to school.

For what?

Cutting hair.

Cutting hair.

Somebody slashed
my christing tires!

Anybody in here
know something about it?!

Somebody must!

All right, man,
that sounds like an accusation.

We're just trying
to have a couple drinks in here.

I think if you go outside
and look around,

you'll find the culprits.

No, sir,
that ain't gonna satisfy.

So, anyways, cheers.

Is your friend gonna be okay?

Yeah, he'll be fine.

But you guys didn't really
do anything, did you?

No, of course not.

I hope you aren't gonna
last forever, motherfucker!

Bottoms up.

I can't believe you won.

It was more of a pyrrhic
victory if you ask me.

Is he gonna be okay?

Yeah, he's fine.

You sure you don't mind driving?

It's cool.

So, then I screamed,
"I have sand in my cunt!"

And everyone laughed.

Hilarious.

- Is this your place?
- Yes.

Although, does something
look different to you?

Where are we?

Our house.

Do you remember
leaving the lights on?

Oh, it's... is that a problem?

You know what?
My house is much nicer than his.

I think we should go there.

What? Did you guys,

like, invent the Internet
or something?

The porn part, yes.

Wait, am I in a fucking car
right now?

No, you're just
having a nightmare.

Go. Go.

Okay.

I seem to have forgotten
my keys.

- What should we do?
- You know where the spare set

is, right?
What?

The spare set.

- Fuck you.
- That's your position?

I mean... I'd really
appreciate it if you...

Fuck you!

Final word?

No flexibility?

Welcome, welcome.

Sorry the place is such a mess.

That's okay.

Do you have anything to drink?

Plenty.

Why don't you
make yourself at home?

And I'll go fix us some drinks.

This is really his house?

Yeah, if that's what he said.
Sure, whatever.

Are you guys in a band
or something?

That's totally
what I was thinking, too.

- There you go. Drinky, drinky.
- Oh, thanks.

One for you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

What is this?!

Didn't I tell you
I only drink peach schnapps?

You had whiskey at the bar.

Only because they didn't
have peach schnapps.

You get used to it.

Oh, well, good thing I got this.

Splendid.

I thought you only
drank peach schnapps.

I'm willing
to make an exception.

You guys are really weird.

So, you
got any other contraband?

This... this is it.

I've got every wave.

What's that?

Bath salts.
You snort them.

- What's it like?
- Speed.

Do you have enough to share?

Plenty.

Boy!

That has a distinct high note
of poison.

Oh, I swear it's putting a hole
in my brain.

Hey.

What?

Is that... French or... Something?

No.
I-I'm out! I'm out!

I am fucking out!

What happened?

I guess he doesn't like me.

He's got post traumatic stress.

From my rack?

Sure.

Should I go up and talk to him?

That would be ill-advised.

I-is there anything
that I-i can do?

You can always share.

Share what?

Oh, sorry.

You're really shit at this,
you know that?

Fuck you.

Jerky beef, two plates, two
high-quality porno magazines,

one roll inferior-quality toilet
paper, toothpaste,

but no toothbrush, a Danish,

six... soon to be five...
Bottles of airplane scotch,

and somewhat inexplicably,
a sponge.

For washing dishes.

Right.
I'm going to sleep.

Hey, Fred.

What?

Steam roll!

Motherfucker.

Good night.

Best guess?

Teenage orgy.

Yeah, right.

That may be more akin
to what I hope is going on.

And there goes the main
ingredient of that fantasy.

Ahoy!

Holy shit.

Looks like a bomb
went off in here.

A vomit bomb.

I don't think
they left us anything good.

I bet there's some tabs of acid.

Keep looking.

Oh. Sorry.

For what?

Is this your place?

Yes, it is.
Whom might you be?

Kriston's brother.

Who's Kriston?

Oh, I thought you'd know her.

She's, like, popular.

What's your name, kid?

Jaidon.

Jaidon,

do you remember all those people
drawing all over you?

What do you mean?

Oh, shit.

The weird thing is some
of it's not even in English.

There was some European dude.

"Ich moechte ein bier."

What does that mean?

"I would like a beer."

Great.

Awesome.

How much did you have to drink?

It's not the drinking
that was the problem.

What was it?

They decided to dose my soda

'cause they thought
it would be funny.

Yeah, awesome.

They sound like really charming
people.

That's my sister's friends.

They all want to bang her.

Is she hot?

Yeah.

This isn't your place, is it?

That's a wise child.

What gave us away?

Can you give me a ride?

No car.

How... did you get here?

Walked.

Where?

Nowhere in particular.

We are obliged
to walk almost everywhere

we go because bruho has an
extreme aversion to automobiles.

I don't get it.

Time to wake the fuck up, kid.

I'm out of here.

I recommend rubbing alcohol
to get that shit off.

Thanks.

Hey, where are you going?

I was... Serious about that ride.

What do you think?

I say rental.

No way.
Private home.

Or rental.

Straight, unlocked.

That's good.

Holy shit.
It looks like you're right.

I know.
The fridge is fucking packed.

You won't believe
what I found out here, man.

What?

What?

Motherfuckers have a fully
stocked survival shelter

down in the basement.
Let's fucking raid it.

How long do you think they
could survive down here, anyway?

What, before they
started eating each other?

Yeah, how long do you think
the fucking donner party

could live on evaporated milk
and sardines?

I don't know.
Eight months.

10 if they rationed.

At least they would die happy.

Why? What do you mean?

Their whiskey stores
are extensive.

What was that?

I think...

I think there's somebody
behind that fucking tree.

Oh, shit.

Sorry.

Why the fuck
are you following us?

I want to join.

Join what?

You guys.

What is it
that you think that we do?

I don't know.

Break in to places?
What?

He's a persevering
little fucker.

I mean,
we walked eight miles easy.

So, what do you think
we should do with him?

Come here for a second.

Stay right there.

I mean,

having an acolyte might not be
the worst thing in the world

because he could do
all the shit work.

I like that.

So, we keep him?

He has to pass an initiation
first.

It's the only way I can do it.

All right,
what do you have in mind?

Come on.

Ready?
One, two, three.

- Is that a fire?
- No.

- It's a fire, isn't it?
- No.

Do you want to join or not?

I do. I do.

Then shut up
and don't fall off the board.

What?
Oh, my...

Fucking assholes!

Oh, come back.

You passed.

So, how do you pick a house?

As in every real-estate market,

your chief concern
is always location.

What's the neighborhood like?

How recently has anyone
been there?

Who might notice?

How do you actually get in?

Different ways.

What about alarms?

They're there. Ironically,

the house that have signs tend
not to actually have alarms.

It's when there's no sign
that you have to worry.

What about police?

We're not here by mistake.

The nearest authority of
any kind is 20 miles from here,

so the reaction time sucks.

How do you know
if a place is, like, a keeper?

Once you're safely inside,
you can tell pretty quickly

if it's gonna
be sufficient to your needs...

What resources are there?

How long can you live off them?

What happens if you get caught?

Don't get caught.

Well, what if you do?

Hello.
So glad that you're home.

Remember lord chesterfield's
Maxim... a gentleman

can get away with anything so
long as he does it with style.

Just conjure up
some semi-credible bullshit.

More often than not,

they'll accept it
because the alternative

is too frightening for them.
What do you mean?

I mean they'd much rather think
it all a big misunderstanding

than accept that they're dealing

with a couple criminals
who have broken into their home.

It's a form of denial.

Cool.

What the fuck are you doing?

Come here.

Are you ready for this?

- I can do it.
- All right, go, then.

They grow up so fast.

Ain't that the truth?

That is a sturdy technique.

Dude, that one knows nothing.

It is quite stealthy
for a little-town fella.

"We're just here
to clean your pipes."

There goes stealthy.

Dude, there's...
That one there... there's...

Try the window.

I don't know, man.

Weebles wobble, but they
don't fall down, I guess.

That is not looking safe.

No, no.

This is where training pays off.

Shit.

- What do we have here?
- Unh-unh.

No, no, no, no, no.

What the fuck are you doing?!
Shit!

So, what did we learn
from last time?

Fools rush in?

Exactly.
Try a little finesse.

Okay.

Round 2.

Nice touch.

Good approach.

Trying the door.

You would be shocked how often
those doors are unlocked.

But in this case, no.

No key.

Goes to the window.
Right.

He's not fitting
through that window.

What's this?

What have I found?
Oh! Eureka!

Not too shabby.

All yours.

Get to it.

Did you guys
find anything interesting?

$37.

Jaidon?

Something called oxy... Contine?

And this.

There was a machete in there.

Yeah.

Want to see something
even more improbable?

Nice!

Come here.

Yeah.

How.

What do you think?
Should we stay?

This house rules.

Should we stay?

Sure. Fuck it.

We're staying.

Yes.

What's that about?

It's just his thing.

Am I allowed to do anything
I want?

I'd prefer it if you didn't
stab me in the eye

with an ice pick or do anything
stupid to draw attention,

what Bruho's doing
notwithstanding.

So...

I could do this?

Yep.

What about... This?

Absolutely.

Liberating, no?

Yeah.

What are you reading, anyway?

A diary.

Whose?

Wife of the guy
that owns this place.

Is it any good?

She's having some affairs,

so there's lots
of extravagant sexual detail.

Oh! Really?!

Clits and cocks
in great abundance.

Oh. Well, read some.

"His is not at all like Hank's.
It's crooked."

Really crooked like a boomerang.

He also called me Janice in bed.

That's not even his wife's name,
though I suppose it

"shouldn't surprise me
that he's done this before."

Yeah.

Could I... Borrow it
when you're done?

Thanks!

Did I ever tell you guys about
that really tall girl I dated?

No.

She was so tall

that when we were nose-to-nose,
I had my toes in it.

And when we were toes-to-toes,
I had my nose in it.

No good?

That just sucks.

I liked it.

I liked it.

All right.

Let's hear one from you.
Okay.

Let me see.

Okay.

If you woke up in the woods
and you were bent over a log

with your pants
around your ankles

and vaseline on your butthole,

would you tell anybody?

No.

Oh, yeah?

Do you want to go camping
with me?

What, nothing's funny to you?
You tell one.

I'm not fuck...
I don't fucking tell jokes.

- Come on.
- No, I don't fucking tell jokes.

Pussy. Pussy.

Oh, really?

"Pussy?"
pussy boy.

All right, you want one?

You want one, Mr. funny guy?
Yes, that's the idea.

- Mr. funny guy?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Guess what.
- What?

Fuck your mother.

- You got to be kidding me?
- What?

What, do I look like fucking
henny youngman to you?

You get this... it's a chance
to tell a joke.

Like... like a chance
of a lifetime?

Like I want to tell
a fucking joke.

You just want to be agro
about...

See?
Now, that's good.

That's good.

That was the best thing
that came out of anyone's mouth

today.
I... need to go to bed.

Where's that book?

Goddamn it, man.

This is all you think about.

I'm telling you, man,
this shit... Is good, man.

You'll go blind, hiawatha.

What the fuck is up
with that book?

It's not something
you're interested in.

Well, no.

Why?

'Cause it's all about fucking.

Oh. Great.

I don't care.

Fucking pussy.

I ain't scared of you.

Hello?

Hello?

What the fuck is going on here?

Goddamn it, who are you?

I might ask you
the same question.

What?

Yeah, I need a name
to give to the cops.

You... you're gonna
call the cops?

Yeah, maybe we
should call the cops?

Oh, okay. Okay.

Hey, let's call them.

My name is Ronald mater.
Hello.

I live across the way,

and I know for a fact
that you don't belong here.

Don't anybody move.

Do you ever go by Ronnie?

What?

I think he's Ronnie the groaner.

From the diary?

Oh, man,
you banged this guy's wife, too?

- Enough.
- She really gets around.

Shut up.

You know you're not
the only one, right?

I said...

Shut up.

We got you by the balls,
groaner.

Oh, Ronnie.

I think maybe you
should leave now.

Just... don't you stay here.

Get out of here.

- Ronnie!
- You! Quick!

Ronnie!

Ronnie!

Do you think he's actually
gonna call the cops?

No.

But he will certainly
call Ms. fucks-a-lot.

You mean we have to leave?

Yes.

Fuck!

Shit.

How old is it?

One or two days.

How can you tell?

It doesn't stink that bad.

Is he dead?

No, he's just resting.

So, what do you want to do?

Give me your knife.

Gross!

I have a question.

Shoot.

I understand what you guys
do but not why you do it.

Sooner or later, everybody's
gonna be living like this,

or a lot of us, anyhow.

I don't understand.

Okay,
you know about fossil fuels?

Duh.

What about peak oil?

No, what's that?

Okay, well, the basic idea

is that the world's petroleum
is gonna run out, okay?

So, prices will spike, no one
will be able to afford it,

and the world
that you know will be over.

Because no one
will be able to drive anymore?

No, no, no, man.
Fuck!

You see, that's
just the beginning of it, okay?

Oil's in everything,
from make-up to fucking tires

to fucking pharmaceuticals,
okay?

So, not only will things
stop moving,

but tons of products
will stop being made.

The entire fucking system
will come to a halt,

and billions...
Mark my fucking words...

Billions of people will die.

Or adapt.

I can't... See
any of that actually happening.

I mean, is this based off facts?

Sure, man.

Yeah,
it's fucking based on facts,

but facts aren't popular.

No, everybody likes opinion
and rumor,

and that sort of shit is in.

Isn't there something
we could do to stop it?

I wish.

No! No!

Fuck.

Wait.

Everything okay there,
little chief?

I was up all night reading
about peak oil on the Internet.

And?

I think Bruho's right.

And you know what oil's in?

Fucking everything!

Okay, okay.

I mean,
running out of this stuff

is gonna be like the apocalypse.

Maybe.

- Are you saying it's not true?
- Not necessarily.

What I'm saying is more like,
"so, what?"

So, what?

So, what?

All right, if you know
you're on the Titanic

and you can see that there's not
enough room in the lifeboats

for you, why not live
it up at the bar?

I guess.

It still sucks, though.

Indeed, it does.

Okay. Okay.

Is that a party?

Yep.

I got to go reconnoiter.

What?

I need to practice my French.

Should I come with you?

Under no circumstances.

Yes. Sure.

You're really mad.
Why are you so mad?

Okay, I got a joke for you.

All right.

Do you know why Irish bean soup
is made with only 239 beans,

specifically that much,

and no more?
No.

- No, why?
- Because one more...

Would be two-forty.

That's good.

You're a fucking idiot.

- Boom.
- Gotcha.

So, Fred here
tells me what he does.

What do you guys do?
Wwait.

First, what did
he tell you he does again?

- Economics professor.
- Right.

- What do you do?
- I'm an entrepreneur.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I invented the, The interweb.

Yeah, he's being an ass.
He's really my assistant.

Jaidon?

- Oh, that's my nephew.
- Aha!

Uncle.

So, what do you do?

Right now I'm house sitting.
Not very noble, I'm aware.

Do you have any more beer
in your house?

I think so.
Are you inviting yourself over?

Maybe.

Please forgive my nephew.

He only recently
started drinking during the day.

- Yeah.
- Wait, by... by the way,

did, Fred happen to use
a French line on you?

You mean I'm not
the first to hear it?

Yeah, I might have used it
once or twice as an icebreaker.

What did you say?

Translated it.

What does it mean?

It means, "you've shaken
the idle nature of my soul."

Stuff like that works?

Depends on who's saying it.

And to whom.

Agreed.

And myself... something of a sap

probably because my mom
died when I was young.

Really?

Mine, too. I was 6.

I was 8.

- Where are you guys going?
- Go find that beer.

They're not very sentimental.

I am.

You sure you guys
don't want a ride?

No.

Jaidon?

No, I'm cool.

Put your arm up here.

In case you change your mind.

My powers are significant,
bitches.

Now what?

We could eat some more cheese.

Plus that would give us
an excuse to go fuck up that guy

who was trying to kick us out,
right?

- That guy's huge.
- I know.

So, naturally, I won the bet,

and stig was obliged
to eat a shoe.

But no one ever did figure out

who vomited all
those pine needles.

What's your place like, anyway?

Why, are you picky?

I'm accustomed
to the finer things.

Ha! I think you'll like it.

On the outside,
it's 18th century,

but the inside's kind of modern.

Plus there's an art gallery
in the basement.

Cultural.

Pretty avant garde show.

There's no market up here
till the summer,

so the owner shuts down.

There's other places he'd rather
be from January to may,

but he still pays me
to mind the store.

So, wait, you have this place
uncontested for another month.

Assholes of his
impose sometimes, but it's rare.

You know much about art?

No. Do you?

I can tell a Manet from a Monet.

That's something.

Do you have any bourbon?

Now you sound like your nephew.

We are related.

Perfect.

Got a name for it?

I call it..."Copernicus,
fuck you.

No, wait. Never mind.
I take it back.

You were right.
I'm coming."

Sounds pretentious
enough to sell.

You think?

Anything's possible.

What the fuck?!

Hot lava, motherfucker!

Piss on me?

Stop! Get out of here!

What the fuck?

Dick.

So, what do you think
they're doing?

Who?

Dirty Fred and the girl?

Are rubbers made from petroleum?

Yeah, absolutely.

What about lube?

No question.

Shit.

- Hello?
- Oh, shit, what do we do?

I'll handle it.

Hey, there.

Really great cabin
in... in the woods, itself.

It's... it's...
It's quite beautiful out here.

You guys relatives?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, we know these...

Yo, grab the fucking bag!
The what?

The bag!

Shit.

All right, look,
do you know how to get there?

No.

You're angry at me, aren't you?

She wrote it
on your fucking arm.

Do you even remember that?

Yeah, I do remember that,

but do you remember her
drawing a map on my other arm?

'Cause, no, she did not.

You are so fucking pointless.

What do you want me to say?

I don't know the area that well.

You know what?
You're a fucking idiot.

And you're a fucking dick.

It's right here.

You always drink at breakfast?

Whenever possible.

It makes the morning
a much less odious affair.

So, when are you gonna tell me
what you and your friends

really do?

You still think I misled you.

I know you have.

That almost hurts my feelings.

Fine.

Why don't we talk
about something simpler,

like, Where are you from?

Virginia.

Still have family there?

Possibly my father.

You know, I never did ask you
what happened to your mother.

Do you mind if I ask you now?

It was cancer.

How about your mother?

Car accident.

Do you not like talking
about this?

No, it makes me
a little uncomfortable.

Were you, expecting anyone?

No.

Okay, I'm gonna go check
the window.

Just stay.

Oh, you guys
missed me that much?

Yeah, we were really concerned.

And we almost got caught.

How'd you even get here?
Drove.

Drove what?

Bikes.

See what an uncompromising
asshole he is?

Look, I already punched one guy
this morning.

Let us in.

I'll have to check
with the missus,

but your timing
is especially sucky.

Go around to the side.

Get rid of that machete.
What?

Just do it.

I'm coming back for it.

- Remember my associates?
- Oh.

Bruho and jaidon.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Apparently, the power
went out at our place.

There's a power outage?

Our place is very remote.

Well,

you can stay here if you want.
That works.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Fuck that.

Look,
we're not staying anywhere.

We're just here
to get dirty Fred.

Fine, fuck.
Do what you want.

I don't care.

Okay,
we got to have a conference.

We'll be back.

The eggs are gonna get cold.

You're welcome.

Damn!

That rat has been talking trash
about me all day, too.

Dead-eye over here.

Put the rat back up.

Put the rat.

Hustle.

When do I get to shoot?

Soon.

Just get back down there.

So, how long are you planning
on staying here?

Why, are you ready to go?

You know I don't like to stay
places where I'm invited.

It does feel somewhat peculiar.

So let's split, man.

Yeah, soon, my man. Soon.

In the meantime,
try to enjoy yourself.

I want to stay.

Dick!

What, you want more?

All right, all right.

What's the difference
between a tribe of pygmies

and a girls' track team?

A tribe of pygmies... Is a bunch
of cunning little runts.

I had this girlfriend
who was really tall.

And when we were toes-to-nose,
I had my toes...

No, wait.

- Oh, you tell it so well.
- Wait, wait.

When we were nose-to-toes,
I had my toes in it.

Is that right?

Shit, that's not right, is it?

Fuck.

How old is he, anyway?

Our family is very liberal.

Plus,
he's been depressed lately.

What?

About what?

End of the world.

You think it's coming soon?

Very soon.

Really?

Don't get into it with her.

Why not?

Because you wouldn't
believe him if he told you.

You don't think so?

No, because normal people
like you never do.

You refuse to believe
that anything is possible.

- You think I'm normal?
- Yeah, I do.

- And you're, what, abnormal?
- I guess so.

Well,
you're certainly fucking rude.

Please forgive him.
I know somewhere

in his idiot brain,
he's sorry for his behavior.

What is his problem?

He's an angry dude.

Well...

Yeah.

Sometimes bruho
doesn't play nice with others.

Jesus.

I do, though.

I play real nice.

Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah? Really, really?

Yeah.

You know,
you might be a little nicer,

since I'm letting you stay here.

I don't want to stay here.

You're just a dick.

Fuck.

Hi!

Hi.

That's okay.
Miss me?

- Yeah.
- Let's take this inside?

No, wait.

There's some people in there.

What do you mean
there's people in there?

There's people in my...?
It's okay.

Get your hands off me.

Hey, I'm going inside.

Do not... do not...
Do not do that, okay?

- All right.
- Okay, okay, okay.

- Chill out.
- Here we... hey!

Don't you ever
fucking hit a fucking lady!

- What the fuck are you...
- You fucking crazy!

Get in your fucking car!

- I'm going! I'm going!
- Get the fuck out of here!

Asshole!
Jesus.

This is not over,
you fucking bitch!

You've been there
the whole time?

Not the whole time.

So... I haven't been
entirely honest with you guys.

No, shit.

That guy I'm house sitting
for isn't just an artist.

- Boyfriend.
- Ex... boyfriend.

Doesn't know.

What's his problem?

He's a drunk.

That's no excuse.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

We can't stay here anymore.

So, what do you want to do?

She can come with us.

No, she doesn't want
to come with us.

Yes, she does want
to come with us.

I think it's a capital idea.

Where are you going?

We have no fixed destination
in mind.

We're like hobos.

Pretty cool.

So, I'm supposed to break in?

Is that gonna be a problem?

- Hesitation is not a good sign.
- Sorry.

I just didn't believe
you till now.

Okay, now that you do,
are you up to it?

- I think so.
- Good.

Now, remember
what we told you... no jaidons.

What's a jaidon again?

Throwing a rock
through a window.

That was only once.

No jaidons. Got it.

I-I still can't believe
she's here.

She'll be fine.

- I like her.
- Whatever.

She's a tourist, man.

Once things start going bad,
she'll be gone.

She might surprise you.

Can we never use
the term "jaidon" again?

Not so bad?

Don't get cocky.

All right, spread out.

Look around.

Nothing in there but books.

A glass dildo?

Got some eggs.

They still appear
to be pretty fresh.

Codeine, ibuprofen.

It's not king's ransom,

but pretty good
for a first house.

Shucks.

It wasn't anything.

Bruho?

Say something nice.

Way not to fuck it up.

Faint praise of a cunt.

Jaidon, anything to add?

I mean, her track record
is already better than yours.

Hey, I saved us from Ronnie.

And why didn't she have
to do an initiation?

Good question.

What initiation.

You'll see.

What initiation?

This dildo's so veiny.

Gross. Don't touch that.

Come back here.

Just touch it.
No!

Get out of here!

One, two, three.

- Shit, this is intense.
- Yeah, it is.

And hot.
Like fire hot.

Shut up and stay on the board.

Are you serious?!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!
What are you doing?!

You did it!

You did it!
Are you fucking kidding me?!

Are you kidding me?!

Jesus Christ!

Okay, so, what is this,

some sort of second initiation
or something?

No, it's just a game.

Okay, who goes first?

Anybody. Doesn't matter.

I nominate myself.

Fuck!

All right, now what?

Now jaidon gets to pick
whoever he wants to hit,

but whoever he wants to hit
gets to pick which shoulder.

- Primitive, no?
- Bravo.

Nice.

What, no one's gonna hit me?

Pick a shoulder.

Jesus fuck.

That's how the game's played,
my man.

And I get to hit whoever?

Yep.

All right.

Move out of the way.
Is this legal?

No.

It's not bad.
Not bad.

- Yeah?
- All right.

Who do you pick?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Are you wondering about that?

It's kind of hard not to.

It's because of petroleum.

I don't follow.

The world's running out of it.

Oh, you mean peak oil?

You know about it?

Yeah.

Is that why you've been
depressed?

Is that why you think
the world is ending?

Aren't you worried?

Well, yeah, I am,
but then I try to be optimistic.

You know, there's other things
I believe in.

Like what?

The singularity, for example.

What?

Well, it's the idea

that somehow technology is gonna
conquer normal human limitation.

So hypothetically, anyway,
we'll be able to solve problems

that seem impossible
to us right now.

You think robots will save us?

Yeah, maybe.

Before they turn on us.

I guess in the long run,
we're fucked either way.

You know I like you, right?

I like you, too.

All you guys.

Although I'm a little worried
about that one over there.

You know what he's said
about you?

What?

That you're just a tourist.

That you won't last with us.

Really?

Yep.
He thinks you're soft.

But, then again,
he's the toughest one of us all.

I wonder.

Who wants to go on a mission?

What?

Vermouth.

I bet you these people
have vermouth.

I second that.

You want me to go check it out.

Let's all go.

What do you even call this?

Oh, colonial or federal
or American something.

How about ye olde school?

You guys find anything
interesting?

Just some
personal correspondence.

Let me see that.

Hey, wait up!

Wait, wait, wait.

What's that?

I don't know.

The world's fanciest outhouse?

I know what that is.

Stop.

So...

What was that supposed to do?

It encourages sweat.

The fins invented it.

Fins?

Persons from Finland.

Oh, isn't that
where Santa Claus is from?

Ha, ha, do you still leave
out milk and cookies

for that reindeer molester?

No, I don't.

Oh, you waited by the chimney
all Chwistmas Eve.

- No, I did not.
- And you cwied when

there weren't any pwetty
pwesents under the twee.

I didn't need
any pwetty pwesents,

nor do I need them anymore.

I'm a man, so, not a child.

Thank you.

Your little back-and-forth
routine's getting pretty good

over there.

I much prefer our little
back-and-forth routine,

if you know...
Oh.

Excuse me!

What are you doing here?!

My friend Stacey...
She said we could stay here.

She did what?!

I thought she told you.

No, she did no such thing!

Yeah, how long have you

and your little boyfriends
been partying here?

Well, we just got here.
And boy...

These aren't my boyfriends.

Okay, well,
the party's over in any case.

- Well, shouldn't we call Stacey?
- In Buenos Aires.

Yeah, it's not
like we give a shit

what that little whore would
have to say about it, anyway.

- Scott!
- What?!

I have two words
for you... buenos fucking aires!

Whose side are you on?!
Do something!

All right, let's go!
Get out!

Get out!
Get dressed and get out!

Come on!
Go!

Yeah, thanks.

And leave the towels!

They're Egyptian cotton!

Oh, my god.

They were reading our letters!

Honey, come on.

Let's go get an ice cream.

Shouldn't we call Stacey?

That was a real
kick-in-the-dick moment for me.

Such cojones.

Well, I was just reading
a letter from her.

They didn't even notice
it was in my hand.

Awe-inspiring.

- You think so?
- I do.

You are a badass
of the highest order.

That's overstating it.

No, no, it isn't.

You stand up to adversity.

You smack it in the face.
Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Keeper.

I'd take you home
to meet my folks.

You mean your father, right?

Right.
I mean my father.

My mother... Passed away.

She didn't die
when you were 8, did she?

It's more
of a... Spiritual death?

God!

Get up.

- What?
- Get up. Come on.

I didn't do anything.

Go. Get.

Hey, Fred.

What... what are you
doing in here?

She kicked me out.

So, he lied to you.

Extravagantly.

That's what he does.

What do you want
me to do about it?

- Nothing.
- Then why are you here?

I saw you yesterday.

So, I-i saw you, too.

In the morning.

And?

The others don't know about it,
do they?

I don't even know
what you're talking about.

How long have you been doing it?

Doing what?

Did something happen to you?

No.

You're not gay, are you?

No, I'm not gay.

Are you a virgin?

No.

Stand up.

Look, I'm not gonna stand up.

How do I know you're not just
doing this to get back at Fred?

You don't.

Stand up.

Take off your pants.

Fuck! Oh, fuck!

Are you okay?

Oh, fuck!
Are you okay?

Shit, no!

No, I'm not okay!
Fuck!

She broke her ankle.

She broke her fucking ankle,
man!

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, god!

Oh, my god!

No, no, no!

- Can you hot-wire it?
- Sure.

- So, do it!
- No.

Why not?

Look, you want
to drive your new girlfriend

to the hospital so badly,
you do it.

Jesus Christ, you're pitiful.

Hey, jaidon!
What?

Can you drive?

I don't know how to.

What the fuck do you mean
you don't know how to?

I'm from New York.
Nobody knows how to drive.

- Oh, fuck me!
- You are kidding me!

Are you not gonna drive
on principle?!

What the fuck
do you want me to do?

Well, doesn't anyone
have a cellphone?

I have these many.

What the fuck?!

No reception up here.

Fucking useless!

Fuck!

Fuck!

We went in a circle.

So, why are we even considering
this?

Look, we need a goddamn phone.

This is a bad idea, man.

We don't have many rules, but
this is definitely a violation.

- Fuck.
- Fuck! Fuck!

- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yes, just make the call.

- Is there anything I can do?
- No, just don't...

All right,
I'll go look for some band-aids.

So, how's your ankle?

Hurts like fuck.

- Hey! Ready for you this time.
- Holy shit!

Cops are on their way.
Sit down.

- Surrender.
- Where are the others?

What the fuck is this, man?

Oh, man, I can...
I just didn't think that anybody

would ever really return
to the scene of the crime.

- What crime?
- Don't get smart, buddy.

We... we just
needed to use the phone, okay?

It's an emergency.
Oh, I see.

This time it's different?
Yeah, it is.

Yeah?
Yeah, okay, why don't you

sit your ass
down on that couch?!

You guys!

You think you can get away
with anything!

You've been in another house
around here, too.

I found out.
You trashed the car.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

No idea what I'm talking about?

I'm talking about if I put
a bullet into any one of you...

- Oh, my god!
- Holy shit!

Get the fuck out!

- Come on.
- All right.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay. Okay.

All right,
you're gonna be safe here, okay?

I'm gonna go find the others.

Okay.

You made it away okay.

Yeah.

Do you think I killed that guy?

I don't know.

Maybe not.

I think I did.

What do you want to do now?

Hey, asshole.

I got Reyna,
but I couldn't find jaidon.

I think you may have lost her,
as well.

How do you figure?

I found this.

"Bruho was right about me.

I'm just a tourist.

Taking jaidon with me.

His choice."

Fuck.

Yeah, I was pretty
disappointed, as well,

but I think the thing
to do now is move on.

So, y-you don't even want to
bother to go looking for them?

No.

I'm not driving you anywhere.

Oh! What?!

Oh, my...

Oh, my god.

Oh...
a-a-are you all right?

Are you...

Oh, no!

Oh, no!
I don't... what the fuck?!

Where the hell am I?!

How do you even know
where she lives?

I stole her driver's license.

How does it feel, anyway?

What?

Driving.

Necessary.

Hey, dudes.

So, I see you found us.

Yeah.

What do you want?

I came for the kid.

What did you come for?