Doobious Sources (2017) - full transcript

[SIGHS]

JUST LOAD THAT GUY IN THERE.

[MAN]
YEAH, NICE--
YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

YEAH?

-NICE.
-[INHALES SHARPLY]

[COUGHING]

CHECK OUT
THE JUNIOR RANGER HERE, MAN.

-[COUGHS] OH, MY GOD.
-[LAUGHS]

[COUGHING CONTINUES]

PUT A LITTLE
GREEN MONSTER IN YA.

[MAN #2 COUGHING]



-[PIPE CRACKLING]
-[MAN] CUE IT, ZORN.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ANNOUNCER]
REGINALD BLOCK-HUNSLEIGH.

[SIRENS WAILING]

[ANNOUNCER]
ZORN TAPPADAPO.

THE "INSTANT KARMA"
INVESTIGATIVE NEWS SERVICE TEAM.

THE LAST
OF THE LONE RANGERS.

THE REAL, HARD NEWS GUYS.

"INSTANT KARMA," BRINGING
THE SCUMBAGS OF THE WORLD

TO THE PUBLIC'S ATTENTION
FOR OVER FIVE YEARS.

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

OKAY, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THEN THE FRENCH FRIES.

AND THEN A DOUBLE BURGER
WITH THE CHEESE

AND THE ONIONS
AND MUSTARD AND RELISH,



AND WE'RE GONNA HOLD
LETTUCE AND MAYO.

NO, NO, MAN.
YOU HOLD THE LETTUCE
AND THE TOMATO.

HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE ORDERED
A FUCKING BURGER FOR ME,

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
TO HOLD THE FRICKIN' TOMATO?

JUST REPEATING
WHAT YOU SAID, BRO.

I SAID "TOMATO."

NO, YOU SAID, "MAYO."

-[BELCHES]
-[MUSIC PLAYING]

PLAY IT BACK.
PLAY IT BACK.

PLAY THE TAPE BACK.

[TAPE WHIRRING]

[SNORTS]

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE UP.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

GET ME
THE DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER.

HOLD THE LETTUCE...
AND TOMATO.

[THE REG]
TAKE THE FUCKING CAMERA, MAN.
TURN IT OFF.

SAY GOODBYE
TO "HE SAID, HE SAID"

AND SAY HELLO
TO THE TALE OF THE TAPE.

SERIOUS, MAN.
TURN IT OFF, DUDE.

[WOMAN ON INTERCOM]
MAYO OR NO MAYO?

YEAH, SO, ALL RIGHT.
YES, MAYO.

NO LETTUCE AND NO TOMATO.

[ZORN]
NO TOMATO.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

* YOU LIVE THE LIFE
I ONCE LIVED *

* COME MY WAY...

ZORN TAPPADAPO HAS HERPES
ON HIS ANUS.

COUNT ONE, TWO, THREE,

FOUR HERPES ON HIS ANUS.

TESTING.

-DID YOU HEAR ME?
-LOUD AND CLEAR.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

WHY DO YOU NEED
THAT FOR?

WELL, ONE'S FOR THE STORY

AND ONE,
IT'S FOR YOU, PAL.

YOU ACT LIKE
A TWO-YEAR-OLD, MAN.

TOTALLY FUCKIN' CHILDISH.

WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY.

-SORRY.
-TURN THOSE CAMERAS
OFF ME, BOY.

I SAID, TURN 'EM OFF.
YOU'RE FIXIN' TO GET HURT.

IT'S A BAD IDEA
TO MAKE THREATS

WHILE YOU'RE BEING RECORDED,
MR. BAGBY.

WELL, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

THERE'S NO NEED
FOR THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE.

I AM REGINALD
BLOCK-HUNSLEIGH

WITH INSTANT KARMA
INVESTIGATIVE NEWS SERVICE.

DESCRIBE TO ME
YOUR INTERACTION WITH MR. BAGBY.

WELL, BASICALLY,
MR. BAGBY TOLD ME

THAT HE KNEW OF A HOUSE
THAT HAD FORECLOSED

AND THAT I COULD GET IT
FOR HALF THE MARKET VALUE.

[THE REG]
BUT IT WAS TOO GOOD
TO BE TRUE?

[MAN]
THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

IF IT SOUNDS LIKE
IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE,

THEN IT PROBABLY IS.

I SOLD THIS HOME
SIX MONTHS AGO.

TALK TO THE OWNER.
HE'LL TELL YOU.

-THERE'S NO FRAUD THERE.
-OH, "ARMEN BAGBABIAN"?

HE DOESN'T EXIST.

BUT SOMEHOW,
HE SOLD THE SAME HOUSE

TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE
WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE.

WHAT IS THIS PAPERWORK
WITH THEIR NAMES ON IT

DOING IN YOUR TRASH CAN?

-IN MY TRASH?
-THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL YOU
MUST HAVE PUT IT THERE.
I SHRED EVERYTHING.

WHAT DO THINK,
I'M FUCKIN' STUPID?
GET OFF MY PROPERTY.

THOSE PAPERS ARE MINE,
MR. BAGBY.

IF THEY'RE IN MY TRASH,
THEN THEY'RE MINE.

"INSTANT KARMA"...

TRYING TO CRUCIFY
OLD EVANDER, EH?

PUNK-ASS
HONKY MOTHERFUCKERS.

"HONKY"?

ARE YOU FUCKING
KIDDING ME?

[ZORN]
YEP, YEP, LOOK, LOOK.
HE'S CALLING SOMEONE.

[BAGBY]
YEAH, PAUL GLADSTONE.

PAUL,
IT'S EVANDER BAGBY.

HAVE YOU BEEN
RUNNIN' YOUR MOUTH?

WELL, SOME TV NEWS GUYS
WERE POKIN' AROUND

ABOUT ARMEN BAGBABIAN.

-LOOK.
-"PAUL GLADSTONE."

[LAUGHS]

PAUL GLADSTONE?
REGINALD BLOCK-HUNSLEIGH,

INSTANT KARMA
INVESTIGATIVE NEWS SERVICE.

YOU RECOGNIZE
ANY OF THESE NAMES?

I'M SUPPOSED
TO KNOW THESE PEOPLE?

EVANDER BAGBY
CLAIMS THAT YOU DO.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT ELSE HE SAID?

THE TRUTH IS
IF A REAL ESTATE BROKER

WANTS TO CHEAT THE SYSTEM,
THEY CAN.

THESE CONFORMING LOANS,
I RARELY SEE THE APPLICANT.

I RELY ON THE HONESTLY
AND INTEGRITY

OF THE BROKERS
THAT I DEAL WITH.

AND 99% OF THE TIME,
IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

AND I AM MORE THAN HAPPY
TO COOPERATE WITH THE POLICE

ON THE OTHER 1%.

-[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
-[RAPS]

BAGBY, RIGHT THERE!
STOP!

MR. BAGBY.

[THE REG]
REAL ESTATE FRAUD IS NOT NEW.

BUT A NEW BREED
OF CRIMINAL IS USING

EVER MORE INGENIOUS METHODS
TO FOOL UNSUSPECTING PEOPLE

INTO SIGNING THEIR DREAMS
AND CREDIT AWAY.

WE UNCOVERED DOCUMENTS
FROM A TRASH CAN

AT BAGBY REALTY
THAT HINT AT THE SCAM.

THE OWNER OF BAGBY REALTY,
EVANDER BAGBY,

-WAS NONE
TOO HAPPY TO SEE US.
-I SAID, TURN 'EM OFF.

[THE REG]
AND NEITHER WAS HE
TOO ASHAMED

TO TAKE CREDIT
FOR HIS HANDIWORK.

IF IT'S IN MY TRASH,
THEN THEY'RE MINE.

[THE REG]
IT WAS A LUCRATIVE SCAM
WHILE IT LASTED,

WITH MOST OF THE BOGUS LOANS
ORIGINATED

BY GOLD COAST FINANCIAL.

FORTUNATELY, MR. BAGBY
KEPT METICULOUS RECORDS.

WE SUSPECT HE COULD HAVE
HUNDREDS OF VICTIMS.

[THE REG]
SO HOW DOES IT FEEL
HAVING YOUR CREDIT DESTROYED

AND DREAMS SHATTERED,
MR. WASHINGTON?

PERSONALLY, I'D LIKE
TO KILL THAT MOTHER[BLEEP].

[THE REG]
IF YOU RECOGNIZE THIS MAN

AND THINK YOU MAY
HAVE BEEN HIS VICTIM,

CALL DETECTIVE ALBRIGHT
AT THE LAPD FRAUD SQUAD--

213-611-0022.

TERRIFIC.
I'LL TAKE IT!

I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I GOT A NEWSROOM

OF SALARIED REPORTERS

AND NONE OF THEM COME UP
WITH THE KINDS OF STORIES
YOU DO.

HEY, INSTANT KARMA--
BRINGIN' SCUMBAGS OF THE WORLD

TO THE PUBLIC'S ATTENTION
FOR OVER...

[BOTH]
FIVE YEARS.

WHY DON'T YOU
COME WORK FOR ME?

AH, WELL, WE LIKE
BEING OUR OWN BOSSES.

IF WE TOOK A JOB WITH YOU,
WE COULDN'T GET HIGH AT WORK.

I MEAN, THAT'S KIND OF
A DEAL BREAKER FOR US.

[CHUCKLES]
BY THE WAY,

I SPOKE WITH LEGAL
ABOUT THE STRAIGHT GUYS
WHO AREN'T.

-OH, RIGHT.
-YOU KNOW, THAT PIECE
I BOUGHT FROM YOU?

CAN A MAN BE STRAIGHT

AND HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX
WITH OTHER MEN?

SOME MEN APPARENTLY
THINK THE ANSWER IS...

YES.

WE FINALLY
GOT SERVED LAST WEEK.

I MEAN,
WHAT A JOKE.

I MEAN, THESE DAYS
YOU CAN SUE SOMEONE

FOR TRIPPIN'
OVER YOUR OWN SHOELACE.

[BLAKE]
WELL, THE THING IS,
THIS MAGNUS MARTINDALE--

HE'S NOT DENYING
CRUISING A HOOK-UP
OFF "GREGSLIST."

-MM-HMM.
-HE'S JUST CLAIMING
IT WAS A BAIT-AND-SWITCH--

THAT HE WAS EXPECTING
TO MEET A WOMAN AT THIS MOTEL,

NOT A GUY, AND THAT
YOU GUYS CUT YOUR PIECE

TO GIVE IT
THE OPPOSITE IMPRESSION

TO MAKE HIM SEEM
LIKE HE WAS SECRETLY GAY.

APPARENTLY HIS WIFE'S
LEAVIN' HIM OVER IT.

SO HE ADMITS
TO CHEATING ON HIS WIFE,
JUST NOT WITH A DUDE?

HE'S A FUCKIN'
ASSHOLE.

-HE'S A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.
-FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.

[BLAKE]
WELL, IT MAKES IT EASY
TO RESOLVE, THOUGH.

JUST RUN OFF A COPY
OF YOUR RAW FOOTAGE, ZORN.

MY RAW FOOTAGE?

WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE-MAN BAND
ON THAT ONE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, ISN'T THAT
WHAT YOU SAID, REG?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH...
THAT'S NO PROBLEM.

WE'LL-- WE'LL JUST MAKE A DUPE.
NO PROBLEMA. THAT'S--

OH, AND UH...

BY THE WAY,
IT'S "THE REG."

AH.

WELL...

UM...

[LAUGHS]

YOU GUYS
AND THESE CAMERAS.

THEY'RE LIKE APPENDAGES.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,

WE'RE MAKING
A "MAKING OF" MOVIE.

IT'S KIND OF
A BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK

AT HOW WE DO
WHAT WE DO.

THIS WAS HIS IDEA.

-[ZORN]
FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.
-NO, FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!

-FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!
-FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!

YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOUR ASS
WITH YOUR DICK, YOU FUCKHOLE?

OH, WHY DON'T YOU
GO FUCK YOUR OWN ASS,
FUCKIN' ASSHOLE?

[SLAMS]

-[VAN DOOR CLOSES]
-"MY ONE-MAN BAND"!

"MY ONE-MAN BAND"!

OH, COME ON.
DON'T ACT SURPRISED, MAN.

YOU KNEW I TOLD HIM
BECAUSE I ALREADY ADMITTED
IT TO YOU.

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE
THESE FUCKING CAMERAS, RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH.
I KNOW, YOU TOLD ME.

BUT FUCKING HEARING IT
COME OUT OF HIS OWN MOUTH,

IT JUST MADE IT REAL
IN A WHOLE NEW WAY.

LOOK, BLAKE CALLED ME OUT
OF THE BLUE ABOUT THE LAWSUIT.

WE HADN'T EVEN BEEN SERVED YET.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YEAH, WELL,
YOU KNOW, PFF-- TO
COVER YOUR OWN ASS, RIGHT?

LAY THE
WHOLE THING OFF ON ME?

YOU KNOW ALL I DID
WAS EDIT THE PIECE, MAN.

LISTEN, I WAS JUST
TRYING TO BUY SOME TIME

UNTIL WE FIGURED OUT
WHAT TO DO, OKAY?

[WHISPERS]
I'M SORRY.

"STRAIGHT GUYS WHO AREN'T"?

YOU KNOW,
LIKE I GIVE A SHIT.

I ALWAYS SAID, MAN,
"NO SEX, NO CELEBRITIES."

IT'S CHEAP.
AND IT CHEAPENS US.

AND MAUREEN THINKS IT'S
AN "IMPORTANT ISSUE

THAT WOMEN
SHOULD KNOW ABOUT."

YOU KNOW, I WONDER
IF MAUREEN KNOWS

THAT YOU'RE CHECKING OUT
GREGSLIST "CASUAL ENCOUNTERS."

"CASUAL ENCOUNTERS"

IS ABOUT CONNECTING
COCKS AND PUSSIES,

OR PUSSIES AND PUSSIES.

OR COCKS AND COCKS.

OR COCKS AND ASSHOLES.

YOU KNOW,
THE OPERATIVE PHRASE HERE

IS "CAVEAT EMPTOR"--
"BUYER BEWARE."

ASSUME ANYONE CHASING
A QUICK HOOK-UP ON GREGSLIST

IS NOT
ALL THEY CLAIM TO BE.

SHE DOESN'T.
AND DON'T YOU FUCKIN'
TELL HER.

OH, HEY,
DON'T WORRY, PAL.

I DON'T ROLL
ON MY HOMIES.

IT'S COOL. IT'S COOL, MAN.
I'M JUST--

YOU KNOW, HEY, AS LONG
AS WE'VE GOT THESE DVS,

-IT'S COOL, RIGHT?
-NO, MAN, THIS IS NOT COOL.

OKAY?

-[SNORTS]
-[TAPE WHIRRING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]
* AIN'T IT FUNKY?

* TELL ME I'M THE BEST
YOU EVER HAD *

* TELL ME WHEN I LEAVE,
IT MAKES YOU SAD... *

OH, WOW,
THANKS FOR SHARING, BITCH.

AND WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL BLAKE THAT, LIKE,

YOU ERASED THE TAPES
LIKE YOU TOLD ME?

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T
THINK IT WOULD PUT HIM

IN MUCH OF A BUYING MOOD.

ZORN, DID YOU
ERASE THE TAPES?

DID I SAY THAT?

ZORN, MAN...

* DO IT UP, DO IT UP

* COME LIE TO ME

* COME, BABY, LIE

* COME, BABY, LIE,
COME LIE TO ME *

* GET-GET-GET READY

* TELL ME OTHER GUYS
JUST CAN'T COMPETE... *

[ZORN]
AGH-HH.

* TELL ME HOW MUCH
I TURN YA ON... *

[ZORN GROANS]

WOW.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE IT GOES.

THAT IS THE ONLY THREAD

BINDING US TOGETHER.

THAT'S NOT
FUCKING TRUE, MAN.

GIVE IT A REST, ZORN.

HELLO.

I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU
TO HAVE COMPANY.

[ZORN]
NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I'M TOO BUSY
WORKING.

DON'T TELL ME
YOU WERE WORKING ALL NIGHT.

DID YOU FINISH THE EDIT?
OH.

DID YOU AND MAUREEN
HAVE A PLEASANT TIME
AT THE MOVIES?

OH, COME ON, MAN,
FRIDAY NIGHT'S DATE NIGHT.

GOTTA KEEP
THE MARRIAGE FRESH, YOU KNOW?

DO NOT GUILT ME FOR IT,
OKAY?

AREN'T YOU GOING
TO INTRODUCE ME?

SURE.

THIS IS JOSIE,

LIKE THE "PUSSYCATS,"
MARTINDALE.

THE NAME?
RINGS A BELL?

MARTINDALE?

SHE'S THE WIFE.

SOON TO BE EX.

AH-HH, JESUS.

I'M SO SORRY
TO HEAR THAT.

BUT, ON THE OTHER HAND,

IF IT WERE ME
AND I WERE MARRIED

TO A CLOSET CASE,
I WOULD WANNA KNOW.

[JOSIE]
HE'S NOT GAY.

HEY, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH BEING GAY.

I MEAN, OWN IT,
IS ALL I'M SAYING.

[JOSIE]
BUT HE'S NOT GAY.

[DECOY LAUGHING]

WELL, HOW WELL
DO YOU KNOW HIM,
REALLY?

I MEAN, HE DIDN'T SHOW UP
AT THAT MOTEL

-LOOKING FOR YOU, JOSIE.
-[LAUGHS]

I JUST CAN'T PICTURE HIM--
YOU KNOW.

ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER,
BECAUSE AFTER YOUR TV EXPOSE,

MY MARRIAGE IS DONE.

AH, WELL, SEE,
THAT'S THE THING ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE THE TYPE OF WOMAN
WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK
ABOUT HER,

AND I ADMIRE THAT.

AND THE THING IS, JOSIE,
THOUGH OUR PIECE MAY

HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
TOO PUBLIC FOR YOUR TASTE,

IT IS BETTER KNOWING
THAN NOT KNOWING.

WILL YOU
CONSIDER MY OFFER?

SURE...

WELL, SINCE YOUR HUSBAND
IS SUING US,

I'M GONNA--
I'M GONNA HAVE TO

DISCUSS THE LEGAL
RAMIFICATIONS WITH MY PARTNER.

-[JOSIE] AH.
-[TAPE WHIRRING]

[THE REG]
WHAT WAS HER OFFER, ZORN?

THAT SHE WANTS
TO USE THE FOOTAGE

FROM THE STING
IN HER DIVORCE.

THAT'S NOT AN OFFER,
THAT'S A REQUEST.

DID YOU TELL HER
YOU ERASED THE TAPES?

[BELCHES]
NO, I TOLD HER
TO GET IN LINE.

ZORN, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

DID YOU SEE HER, MAN?

A WOMAN IN NEED
IS A WOMAN, INDEED.

ZORN, MAN, NEVER FORGET--

THE VAGINA
IS A CUL-DE-SAC.

BUT MAYBE IF MR. MARTINDALE
THINKS WE CAN HURT HIM MORE,

-HE'LL BACK OFF.
-ARE YOU CRAZY?

HE KNOWS WE CAN'T.
HE WAS THERE.

-WE FRAMED HIM.
-YOU FRAMED HIM.

JESUS. THAT FOOTAGE
IS NOT GOING HELP HER

AND IT'S NOT GOING TO GET
YOU INTO HER PANTIES EITHER

BECAUSE YOU ERASED THE TAPES,
DIDN'T YOU, ZORN?

-WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?
-I KNOW YOU AND WOMEN, MAN.

YOU'RE FUCKING TRAGIC, OKAY?

NOW, LOOK ME
IN THE EYE AND TELL ME
YOU ERASED THAT SHIT.

ZORN!

-ZORN?
-YEAH, WHAT UP?

DID YOU ERASE THE TAPES?

AH, IT FUCKING
STINKS IN HERE.

-[JOSIE]
SO, A SHAKE?
-SHAKE AND A HUG.

-YEAH.
-ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA GO
SMOKE SOME WEED.

-ALL RIGHT.
-HAVE A GREAT
REST OF YOUR DAY.

-BYE.
-ALL RIGHT.

THAT WAS NICE
AND TOUCHY-FEELY.

RECORDING IS RESTRICTED
TO WORKING HOURS.

EXEMPTING TOILET TIME.

YOU WERE IN FRONT
OF THE OFFICE.

ALL RIGHT,
CHANGING THE PARAMETERS.

DULY NOTED.

-[SIGHS]
-WHAT WERE YOU DOING
WITH MRS. MARTINDALE?

WE HAD BREAKFAST.

YOU KNOW, FOR A WOMAN
WITH SUCH A SLENDER FIGURE,

YOU'D BE SURPRISED
HOW SHE JUST PUTS IT AWAY.

GOD, I WISH I HAD
HER METABOLISM.

AND BEFORE BREAKFAST?

I WOULDN'T BETRAY
A LADY'S CONFIDENCE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I MADE HER
LAUGH A FEW TIMES,

-I CAN TELL YOU THAT.
-[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHAT THE FUCK?

OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!

-[ZORN] WHAT?
-[THE REG] IT'S MAGNUS
FUCKING MARTINDALE!

[ZORN] WHAT THE FUCK
IS HE DOING HERE?

-GIVE YOU ONE GUESS.
-WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK--

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, I'M COMING.

KEEP THAT ROLLING, OKAY?

[SIGHS]

YES?

HEY.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

YOU ENJOY MY FUCKING WIFE?

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
-YOU FUCKING LITTLE PUNK!

[THE REG]
GET AWAY FROM HIM, MAN!

-I'M WARNING YOU!
-I'LL MAKE A FUCKIN'
FAG OUT OF YOU.

[THE REG]
I'M CALLING 911!

STOP IT, MAN!
GET OFF OF ME, YOU--

[MAGNUS]
ARE YOU FUCKING MY WIFE?
HUH?

IS THAT YOUR PLAN, YOU TWO?
HUH? IS THAT YOUR PLAN?

-FUCK YOU, MAN.
-HE SETS ME UP TO BANG MY WIFE

AND YOU TRY TO GET
MY FUCKING MONEY?

NOBODY DOES THAT TO M.M.!

-NOBODY!
-GET THE FUCK OFF!

[ZORN]
WHAT THE FUCK?
WHAT THE--?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, DUDE!
DD YOU SEE THAT FUCKING PSYCHO,
MAN?

HE TRIED TO FUCKING KILL ME.
WHAT THE FUCK?

STAY DOWN, MOTHERFUCKER.

-FUCK YOU!
-[MAGNUS] FUCK.

YOU-- WHOA.

JEEZ, YOU HIT ME
IN THE FUCKING HEAD, YOU--

[GROANS, PANTING]

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
I'M A BIG DEVELOPER.

I POURED THE CEMENT
FOR THE GROVE.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU
SET ME UP FOR, MAN?

I'M A RESPECTABLE GUY
IN THIS COMMUNITY!

YEAH, RIGHT, DUDE.
LIKE WHAT?

LIKE SCOOBY-DOO
AND THE FUCKING GANG?

"OH, OH, I WOULD'VE
GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT

IF IT WASN'T FOR THE
PESKY FUCKIN' KIDS." FUCK!

YOU ANSWERED THE AD, MAN.
OKAY? NO ONE SET YOU UP.

[GROANS]

I RESPONDED TO AN AD

FOR A 30-YEAR-OLD ANAL FREAK
NAMED MARCI.

I SPOKE TO HER
ON THE PHONE.

YEAH.

I SHOW UP, THERE'S SOME
CHIPPENDALES DANCER

UNDERNEATH THE SHEETS
WITH A HARD-ON.

AND YOU FUCKING GUYS
AND YOUR CAMERAS.

THAT'S A SET-UP!

THAT'S NOT A SET-UP,
THAT'S A STING.

IT'S A TELEVISION EXPOSE.

AND NO ONE ELSE
IN THAT REPORT COMPLAINED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU WANT ME TO COMPLAIN?

"COMPLAIN"?
I MEAN...

YOU COMPLAIN, YOU LOOK--
YOU LOOK GUILTIER.

[ZORN]
YEAH, WELL, THAT-- THAT
IS SOME FUCKED-UP SHIT, MAN.

DUDES FUCKING DUDES
AND BRINGING HOME BUGS
TO THEIR LADIES?

I MEAN, OPRAH
DID SOMETHING ON IT.

ONCE.

OH, YOU FUCKING GUYS.

[GAS SPURTS, GROANS]

RELAX WITH THE BAT, WILL YA?
I'M GOING.

[ZORN]
ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?

WE COULD CALL YOU A CAB.
YOU SHOULDN'T DRIVE.

[DOOR OPENS]

[MAGNUS]
FUCK YOU!

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[ZORN]
MY FACE IS THROBBING.

-YEAH.
-HOW DO I LOOK?

TERRIBLE.
LET'S GO.

[ZORN CHUCKLES]
OH, FUCK.

[SIGHS]

WHAT DID YOU DO
THAT NIGHT?

[PATROLMAN]
JUST CHILLING OUT.

UH-HUH, YEAH.
VERY COOL.

NEXT TIME, MAYBE COME OVER,
WE'LL DO A COUPLE MARGARITAS
AND--

ALL RIGHT, LET ME
TAKE CARE OF THESE GUYS.

SEE YA,
TALK TO YOU LATER.

UH, NO CAMERAS.

[ZORN]
THAT SAYS "CELL PHONES."

SAME DIFFERENCE.

R-REAL--
OKAY, NEVER MIND.

JUST TAKE IT, THE REG.

IT'S NOT--
IT'S NOT ON, ANYWAYS.

-IT'S FOR EVIDENCE.
-MM-HMM.

-UH, HELLO.
-YEAH, HELLO.

I'M HERE
TO REPORT AN ASSAULT.

FABULOUS.

GIRLFRIEND?

-NO.
-MM.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

-ZORN TAPPADAPO.
-TAPPA...?

-YOU NEED ME
TO SPELL THAT FOR YOU?
-YEAH.

IT IS
T-A-P-P-A-D-A-P-O.

GOT IT.

TAKE A SEAT.
WAIT FOR A DETECTIVE.

OKAY.

OH, YEAH.

UH...

-UH, OFFICER KIMMEL.
-MM.

-THAT'S NICE.
THAT POLISH?
-MM-HMM.

UH, THERE'S
A REALLY SCARY MAN

SITTING ON THE SEAT
OVER THERE.

HMM.

IS THERE ANYWHERE ELSE
I COULD SIT?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME,
OFFICER KIMMEL.

[SNIFFS]
OH, MY GOD.

[WHISPERS]
DO YOU SMELL THAT?
JESUS CHRIST.

THE NAVIGATION
SHOULD BE FAMILIAR

TO ANYONE WHO'S EVER
USED THE WEB.

EASY
AS ORDERING PIZZA.

YOU'RE ASKING ABOUT
CASUAL ENCOUNTERS?

THAT'S SORT OF
A POTPOURRI OF POLYMORPHIC
PERVERSITY.

EVERY KIND OF TOPPING
IMAGINABLE.

[SCOFFS]
ACTUALLY, I WAS WRONG.

IT'S EASIER
THAN ORDERING PIZZA.

AND IT'S FREE.

SUCK ON THAT,
DOMINO'S.

[SLAMS]

[ZORN]
SO, THE REG, COULD YOU
PLEASE FILL OUR VIEWERS IN

ON WHERE WE'RE GOING?

OH, WHY, ZORN,
I'D BE HAPPY TO.

WE RECEIVED AN URGENT CALL
FOR A MEETING

HERE AT KTPC NEWS 4.

[ZORN]
OH. ANY INDICATION
WHY THE URGENCY?

WELL, THE SAFE MONEY
IS ON THE MARTINDALE LAWSUIT

AND THE WHEREABOUTS
OF THE EXCULPATORY VIDEO.

[ZORN]
THE VIDEO?

YOU MEAN THE VIDEO
THAT GOT ERASED,

OR MYSTERIOUSLY
DISAPPEARED?

ZORN, MAN,
YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS

JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

[LAUGHS]

WHAT'S WITH THE CAMERAS?

OH, THEY'RE MAKING
A MAKING-OF MOVIE.

WELL, YOU HAVE
TO TURN THEM OFF.

NOTHING LEAVES THIS ROOM.

YEAH, WE WILL--
IF WE HAVE TO TURN THESE OFF.

ALL RIGHT, NEVER MIND.
LISTEN, GUYS, KY HAS
AN INCREDIBLE STORY.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

IT'S SIMON JESSUP.
THE MAYOR OF VERNON.

HE'S FUNNELING TAX REVENUE
INTO A SECRET SLUSH FUND

FOR HIM AND HIS CRONIES
ON THE CITY COUNCIL.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR FACE?

-SLUSH FUND? NO KIDDING?
-[KY] YEAH.

IS THIS ALL YOU BROUGHT US
DOWN HERE FOR, OR...?

IT'S A BLOCKBUSTER.
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

WE'RE TALKING AN ENTIRE
CITY GOVERNMENT.

I MEAN, WE CAN
BRING 'EM ALL DOWN.

I'M THINKING A LOCAL EMMY.

YEAH, UH,
WHERE'S VERNON?

IT'S A FIVE-SQUARE MILE
INDUSTRIAL SHITHOLE

SOUTH OF DOWNTOWN L.A.

YOU WOULDN'T,
BY ANY CHANCE,

HAPPEN TO WORK
FOR THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE?

HEY, THANKS FOR THE LEAD.
WE'LL LOOK INTO IT.

-UH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
-NO, NO, SIT TIGHT, KY.

LISTEN, GUYS,
IT'S KY'S STORY.

BUT HE WANTS YOU AND YOUR
UNDERCOVER EXPERTISE.

SO LET'S TEAM UP
AND BUST THIS THING OPEN.

WELL, NO OFFENSE, KY,
BUT WE WORK ALONE.

I'LL PAY YOU THREE GRAND
A WEEK FOR SIX WEEKS,

PLUS EXPENSES.

WELL, THAT IS VERY GENEROUS
OF YOU, BLAKE--

HOLD ON A MINUTE, ZORN.
SIX WEEKS?

I MEAN, WHAT'S THAT
IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS?

-SIX WEEKS.
-GUYS, WE NEED TO MOVE NOW.

URGENTLY.

FUCK IT.
I MEAN, JOURNALISM DELAYED

IS JOURNALISM DENIED,
RIGHT?

-[LAUGHING]
-[ZORN] ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO--

-[ZORN] WHAT THE--?
-[BLAKE] OH, GOD, I'M--

DO WE HAVE TO SHOOT THAT
ALL OVER?

SURE SCREAMS "UNDERCOVER"
TO ME.

[KNOCKS]

RITCHIE, THIS IS
REGINALD BLOCK-HUNSLEIGH

AND ZORN TAPPADAPO.

MIGHT BE WALDORFERS.

HEY, DON'T MIND THE CAMERAS.
JUST ACT NATURAL, OKAY?

OH, THEY'RE MAKING
A MAKING-OF MOVIE.

YEAH, JUST ACT NATURAL.
NATURAL, RITCHIE.

NOPE, MIGHT BE
THE OTHER ONE.

NO.

GUESS THIRD TIME'S
THE CHARM, HUH?

THAT'S THE WRONG KEY, MAN.

-[ZORN] GET IT OPEN
THERE, RITCHIE.
-YOU GOT THIS.

-ONE MORE TRY.
-HOW LONG HAVE YOU
HAD THIS THING?

FUCKIN'...

LANGUAGE, RITCHIE,
LANGUAGE.

-[ZORN] YAY!
-[THE REG] BINGO.

THIS WALL POPS OUT TWO FEET.
THAT WALL POPS OUT TWO FEET.

YEAH, THAT'S FOUR FEET.
THIS IS THE FRIDGE.

YOU CAN USE THE MICROWAVE,
IF YOU WANT.

HERE'S THE TURD HOSE.

[THE REG LAUGHS]

HAVE YOU EVER DRIVEN
A RECREATIONAL VEHICLE BEFORE?

[THE REG]
SMART OF YOU TO ASK.

[ZORN]
YOU NERVOUS, KY?

[HORN BLARES]

[RADIO AUDIO SHUFFLING]

[ZORN]
I HATE KY.
I HATE KY'S AUDI WAGON.

I HATE KY'S
EMO BEST FRIEND.

AW, CHILL, DUDE.

THIS COACH IS PLUSH
AND WE'RE MAKIN' BANK, OH.

[ZORN] COACH IS PLUSH
AND WE'RE MAKIN' BANK.

AND THE COACH IS PLUSH
AND WE'RE MAKIN' BANK.

[BOTH]
OH!

IN THAT CASE, I'MA CHILL.
[LAUGHS]

* TWIST UP A COMBO DOOB
FROM THE SMORGASBORD. *

* SAY, WHAT?

* I SAID,
TWIST UP A COMBO DOOB
FROM THE SMORGASBORD. *

-* WITH OR WITHOUT KEEF?
-* WITH KEEF, WITH KEEF...

-* WITH OR WITHOUT KEEF?
-* WITH KEEF, WITH KEEF.

-[PHONE RINGING]
-[BOTH VOCALIZING]

* DIGGA-DIGGA-DING,
DA-DING, DA-DIGGA DING! *

HELLO, MAUREEN.

-* DOO-DO DO DO-DOO...
-WHAT'S THAT?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
I-- I AM NOT THE PHOTOSHOP PRO.

THAT WOULD BE ZORN'S JOINT.

-WHAT?
-YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

WHAT IS SHE SAYING?
SHE SAYING--?

-HOLD ON. SHH.
-HAND IT OVER,
HAND IT OVER, MAN.

HOLD ON A SECOND,
HOLD ON A SECOND.

-GIVE IT, GIVE IT.
-OKAY. BE NICE.

* GIMME THE PHONE,
HEY, TA-TA-CHONE. *

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
HEY.

HEY, MAUREENIE.
HOW ARE YA?

[LAUGHS]
YEAH.

YEAH?
WELL.

I REMEMBER-- REMEMBER
LUNCHES AT JOSEPH'S?

SAGANAKI AND GYROS.

AND A FEW
TOO MANY OUZOS!

-DUDE.
-SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

UH-HUH.

THAT IS BECAUSE
YOU ARE GOING

FROM HI-DEF
TO STANDARD RES.

UH, YOU GOTTA SAVE OUT
ALL YOUR LAYERED FILES
UNCOMPRESSED,

THEN BATCH CONVERT THEM
TO 720.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.
THAT'S IT, BABE.

[LAUGHS]
YEP, THAT'S ALL THERE IS.

ALL RIGHT.
HEY, DON'T PULL THAT GUN
IF YOU AIN'T GONNA USE IT.

-COME ON, MAN.
-ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, BYE, SWEETIE.

THANKS, MAN.
[SCOFFS]

-MM-HMM.
-FUCK.

-[MUSIC PLAYING]
-[VOICES DISTORTED]

OH.
OH, THAT KEEF.
THAT IS SOME--

[CHANTING]
OH, I LOVE THE KEEF,
KEEF, KEEF, KEEF.

PASS IT, PASS IT,
GIVE, GIVE...

KEEF, KEEF, KEEF.
WITH OR WITHOUT KEEF...

-OH, COME ON.
-WITH OR WITHOUT KEEF...

-GOT TO COME ON.
-[BOTH LAUGH]

-[BUBBLES]
-IF WE HAD ONE OF THESE,

WE WOULDN'T EVEN
NEED AN OFFICE.

-EH?
-WE GOT THE BEDROOM.
GOTS A KITCHEN.

[CHUCKLES]
SHIT.

I WONDER WHAT SOMETHING
LIKE THIS COSTS.

ARE YOU GUYS
SMOKING MARIJUANA?

-PROBLEM, KY?
-[COUGHS]

DID YOU GET
MY SKINNY CRISPS?

[ZORN SQUEALS]
YEAH...

-I DON'T WANT TO OPEN THIS YET.
-HOW LONG UNTIL WE'RE READY?

JUST WAITING ON YOU, KY.

-KY, HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?
-YEAH.

-K-Y.
-[BOTH] OH.

'CAUSE I'M FAMILIAR WITH
THE SCANDINAVIAN FORM,

WHICH IS K-A-I.

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOURS IS?

NO, MINE'S THE GREEK FORM.

SO, WHAT'S THE GAME PLAN,
KY?

WHEN WE GET TO VERNON,
WHAT ARE WE GONNA BE
DOING THERE?

YOU KNOW, NO OFFENSE,
BUT I REALLY DON'T WANNA BE

A PART OF YOUR MOVIE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT
IS GOING TO BE A PROBLEM, KY.

YOU SEE, THE REG AND I,

WE'VE REACHED A POINT
WHERE ART AND LIFE

ARE VIRTUALLY
INDISTINGUISHABLE.

ANYWAY,
IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE,

EVERYTHING
WILL BE RECORDED.

EVERY WAKING MOMENT
OF EVERY DAY.

THE WHOLE
OF HUMAN EXPERIENCE

IS GONNA BE CAPTURED
AND STORED ON COMPUTERS

WITH INFINITE MEMORY.

IN FACT,
IT'S BEEN POSTULATED

THAT ONE DAY
MAN WILL CREATE A COMPUTER

CAPABLE OF STORING

ALL OF THE INFORMATION
IN THE UNIVERSE.

IT'S THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
ON A HARD DRIVE.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW, THINGS GET FUCKED UP
HERE ON EARTH, MAN,

PING,
RETRIEVE THE BACK-UP...

BOOP-BOOP, BOOP-BOOP, BEW--
EVERYTHING'S GOOD AGAIN.

HMM.

YOU KNOW,
I'M AT THE POINT
IN MY CAREER

WHERE I'M
JUST STARTING OUT,

AND I DON'T NECESSARILY
WANT EVERYTHING I DO
TO BE RECORDED.

I'VE SEEN TOO MANY FRIENDS
YOU-TUBED.

YEP, I KNOW.

WAKE UP, THE REG.

-WE'RE HERE, MAN.
-[CAMERA BEEPING]

[THE REG]
AH, THIS IS VERNON, HUH?

"INDUSTRIAL SHITHOLE" SEEMS
LIKE AN APT DESCRIPTION
THERE, KY.

WHAT DO YOU
THINK, ZORN?

I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE.

-OH.
-YOU SEE THAT
BLACK CADILLAC CTS?

THAT'S JESSUP'S.

TUESDAYS, HE RUNS OFF
TO A POKER GAME

WITH THE COUNCIL MEMBERS.

-[ZORN] DAY POKER?
-REGULAR POKER.

MAYBE DAY POKER.
IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

BETWEEN NIGHT AND DAY?

THE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS
IS TAILING HIM

TO THE POKER GAME
TO FIND OUT WHERE IT'S HELD.

WE'RE GONNA TAIL HIM
IN AN RV?

I MEAN, WHY DON'T WE JUST
CALL HIM, OFFER A RIDE?

BECAUSE SOMETIMES
THE MOST OBVIOUS THING

IS THE LEAST OBVIOUS.

I DID NOT REALIZE
I WAS RIDING SHOTGUN

WITH JACQUES DERRIDA.

THIS IS THE PERFECT
SHOOTING PLATFORM.

WE HAVE TINTED WINDOWS,
360 VIEWS...

GIVE ME
A LITTLE CREDIT.

IT'S A LIVING ROOM
ON WHEELS.

HOW IS HE NOT
GONNA SEE US?

MAYBE HE WILL.
SO WHAT?

WHO'S REALLY GOING
TO IMAGINE THEY'RE BEING
TAILED BY AN RV?

SOMEONE WHO SEES
THE SAME RV FOLLOWING
THEM EVERYWHERE.

PERHAPS.

LISTEN, KY,
I'M SPEECHLESS.

ALL RIGHT?
BLAKE HIRED US
FOR OUR EXPERTISE.

THERE'S GOTTA BE
SOME REASON FOR THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

JUST TELL US ALL THAT YOU KNOW
ABOUT THIS JESSUP GUY

AND WE'LL COME UP
WITH A GAME PLAN FOR
GOING AFTER HIM.

THANK YOU.

OH, THANKS FOR THE VOTE
OF CONFIDENCE, GUYS.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU GUYS
MIGHT THINK YOU'RE
THE CAT'S PAJAMAS,

BUT HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT
THAT MAYBE YOU'RE NOT?

-NO, NEVER THOUGHT THAT--
-WELL, ACTUALLY, YES.

-THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME...
-THERE WAS?

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU REMEMBER IT.

I WAS LIKE, "I AM NOT
THE CAT'S PAJAMAS RIGHT NOW."

IT WAS RIGHT AFTER
I THOUGHT THAT BEING OBVIOUS

-WAS A GOOD WAY OF...
-[BOTH] NOT BEING OBVIOUS.

OH, FUCK YOU, MAN!

HOW ARE WE EVER
SUPPOSED TO WORK TOGETHER

WITH YOUR CONDESCENDING
SUPERIORITY COMPLEX

GETTING IN THE WAY
ALL THE TIME?

-WHOA.
-WHAT THE FUCK?

-JESUS.
-POP A VEIN ON THAT.

ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.

[SIGHS]

HEY, KY.
YOU CRYING?

-POUTING?
-[SOBS] NO.

AW, THAT'S A RELIEF.

BECAUSE I GOT THIS NEPHEW
DONNIE, HE'S SIX--

[THE REG]
LADIES, JESSUP
IS ON THE MOVE.

-ZORN?
-YEAH?

GO CHECK IT OUT.
SEE WHO HE'S MEETING WITH.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO, KY?

NO.
NO, YOU GO.

[GRUNTS]

ALL RIGHT.

STRIP IT DOWN, BABY,
STRIP IT DOWN.

WELL, KY, THIS IS
A LITTLE SOMETHING

WE LIKE TO CALL
"THE BARBARA."

WATCH AND LEARN, KY.
WATCH AND LEARN.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

HOW MANY, SIR?

[ZORN]
OH, UH, IT'S
JUST ME TODAY.

-FOLLOW ME.
-YEAH.

[WHISPERS]
OKAY, HERE WE GO.

NO.

THESE GUYS.
UH...

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN?
IT'S A LITTLE BRIGHT IN HERE.

HOW ABOUT OVER THERE?

[HOST] I'M SORRY, SIR.
THIS ROOM IS RESERVED.

[ZORN]
UM, YEAH, BUT...

I REALLY LIKE THIS BOOTH
RIGHT HERE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

[ZORN GROANS]

-[HOST] SO, JUST ONE?
-[WOMAN] SO, I THINK
I'M GONNA DO

-A LITTLE SHOPPING
THIS AFTERNOON.
-UH, YEAH. DO YOU MIND?

[WAITER]
WOULD YOU LIKE
SOMETHING TO DRINK?

[ZORN]
HEY, MAN, WOULD YOU--
UH, SORRY,

COULD YOU JUST MOVE
TO YOUR RIGHT A LITTLE BIT?

JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.
NO, SERIOUSLY, LIKE, MORE.

YEAH, THERE WE GO.
THANKS, ABOUT THERE.

YEAH, CAN I GET A--
JUST A JACK AND COKE?

THANK YOU.

JESUS, GET THE FUCK
OUT OF THE FRAME.

-OH, THANK YOU.
-OH.

-OH, SORRY.
-[ZORN] MAYOR JESSUP.

YOU DEVIL YOU.

YOU GOT BIG PLANS
FOR TONIGHT?

LATER, DUDE.
HAVE A GOOD ONE.
ALL RIGHT.

HEY, KY.

-IS JESSUP MARRIED?
-YEAH.

YEAH?
LOOK AT THAT.

THAT'S NOT
HIS WIFE, IS IT?

-NO.
-OH.

IT'S PROBABLY LIKE
A MISTRESS OR A HOOKER

-AND SOME KIND OF PAYOFF.
-NO DOUBT.

THEY'RE AT THE VALET.

I SAY WE FOLLOW
THE MOISTY.

-[ZORN] UH, DUH.
-[KY] NO, I TOLD YOU,

IT'S THE POKER GAME
WE'RE AFTER.

DUDE, FUCK POKER.
SHE'S THE LEVER.

THERE'S SOMETHING
GOIN' ON BETWEEN THEM.

WE'RE GONNA FOLLOW HER
TO GET TO HIM.

FORGET IT.
WE'RE STICKING WITH THE PLAN.

WHAT PLAN?
THE REG IS RIGHT, MAN.

IT'S A CLASSIC MOVE.
YOU GOTTA GET TO THE GUY,

FIND HIS WEAK SPOT,
AND SQUEEZE.

THIS IS MY STORY.
HAVE YOU GUYS FORGOTTEN THAT?

WELL, I'M AFRAID
YOU'VE BEEN OUTVOTED, KY.

WHAT?
THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY!

[LAUGHS]

[TAPE WHIRRING]

* I GOT A BONER...

* A BONER FOR JOAN...

* I GOT A BONER...

[IMITATING WOMAN]
"MR. JESSUP, I WAS
JUST WONDERING--

I'M JUST A LITTLE SHORT
ON MONEY TODAY.

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD
BORROW YOUR CREDIT CARD?"

-EH?
-THIS IS GETTING GOOD.

KINKY.

OH, YEAH,
THERE SHE IS.

THAT IS A WOMAN
OUT TO PLEASE, FOOL.

-[LAUGHS]
-* I'VE HEARD HER SING...

-* I'VE HEARD HER MOAN...
-OH, SHIT.

* AND WEARIN'
THOSE SHORT-SHORTS... *

[THE REG]
WHAT'S THIS ON THE GROUND,
MAN? IS THIS--?

-* I GOT A BONER...
-[TAPE WHIRRING]

* A BONER FOR JOAN...

* HEY, I GOT A BONER

* BONER FOR JOAN

* I GOT A BONER

* A BONER FOR JOAN.

[TAPE WHIRRS]

* B-O-N-E-R--

WHOA, SHIT, FUCK.

-YEP, THINK SHE MADE US.
-YEAH.

-[THE REG] YOU GET
HER LICENSE PLATE?
-[ZORN] YEAH, LET HER GO.

[KY]
NO WAY, STAY WITH HER!

WHEN COVER'S BLOWN,
COVER'S BLOWN.

STAY THE FUCK WITH HER!

-WHOA, MAN.
-JESUS.

I SAID STAY WITH HER!
GO RIGHT!

-RIGHT!
-FUCK.

[ZORN]
GO RIGHT, THE REG.

[YELLING]
THERE THEY ARE!

-HEY, MOTHERFUCKERS.
-[THE REG] OH, JESUS.

[WOMAN]
YOU THINK YOU CAN FOLLOW ME?
YOU CAN'T FOLLOW ME!

-WHOA, WHOA! FUCK.
-GET DOWN HERE, BITCHES!

-YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
-RIGHT NOW, FUCKERS.

-WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
-JEEZ.

-JESUS.
-[MAN] DON'T RUN AWAY, BITCHES!

-[WOMAN] PIECE OF SHIT!
-FUCK! KY!

PULL THE FUCK OVER, MAN.
KY, GET UP HERE, MAN.

HEY, KY, LISTEN,
ALL RIGHT?

THAT WAS A MAJOR LEAGUE
FUCK-UP BACK THERE.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
I DON'T THINK WE COULD'VE
BEEN MORE OBVIOUS.

-FUCK YOU.
-FUCK ME?

YOU JUST BLEW OUR COVER,
YOU DON'T CARE? FUCK YOU.

LOOK IT, OKAY, LISTEN.
THIS IS HOW IT WORKS, OKAY?

OUR FRIEND OVER AT LAPD
RUNS THE PLATES, OKAY?

THEN WE FIND OUT
HER REGISTRATION,

DRIVER'S LICENSE,
THEN WE KNOW WHO SHE IS.

OH, AND THEN WE GET
HER CREDIT REPORT, ASSHOLE!

-SHE'S MEGAN JESSUP!
-YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS?

JESSUP'S DAUGHTER.

HIS DAUGHTER?
YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

COME ON, DON'T STOP THERE,
BUDDY.

SHE DUMPED ME FOR
THAT HOLLYWOOD FANCYPANTS
BACK THERE.

"I'M CLINT WREN.

CHECK OUT
MY ARCTIC SILVER 911."

WHAT A FUCKING LOSER!

AW, IS THIS ALL OVER
A BROKEN HEART, DUDE?

NO, IT'S OVER
A BROKEN HEART

AND A SPOILED BITCH
WHOSE DAD IS A CROOK.

YOU SURE
ABOUT THOSE LAST TWO?

YES, I'M SURE.

THINK I'D SPUNK MY JOB
OVER A GIRL?

GOOD, BECAUSE WE ARE INTO
JUSTICE, AND NOT VENDETTAS.

YOU GUYS?
YOU'RE INTO JUSTICE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEN LET'S GET SOME.

[TAPE WHIRRING]

ZORN, MAN,
I DID NOT REALIZE

THIS CAMERA SHIT
WAS GONNA BE

LIKE SOME KIND OF FUNGUS
SPROUTIN' UP EVERYWHERE.

YEAH?
WELL, I GUESS--

IT'S OUR K-Y IN THE SKY.

-TRUST ME...
-[LAPTOP BEEPS]

YOU'LL THANK ME LATER.

OH, YEAH.

THERE DOES SEEM
TO BE MORE TO K-Y

THAN MEETS THE BROWN EYE.

[CHUCKLES]

ZORN, MAN, YOU'RE
BECOMING PATHOLOGICAL.

WHY DON'T YOU SHELVE
THAT FUCKIN' NONSENSE?

I THINK IT'S KINDA
BRILLIANT.

TWO PEOPLE RECORDING
THE SUM TOTAL

OF THEIR
SHARED EXPERIENCES?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN,
I THINK WE MAY HAVE STUMBLED

UPON ONE OF THE GREAT
SOCIOLOGICAL EXPERIMENTS

OF THE 21ST CENTURY.

THERE MAY BE
A TV SHOW IN THIS.

[LAUGHS]

I CAN'T TELL WHEN
YOU'RE JOKING ANYMORE.

THAT'S DANGEROUS.

-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-WHO THE FUCK--?

[WHISPERING]

-ALL RIGHT?
-ALL RIGHT.

-READY?
-[YELLS]

[THE REG LAUGHS]

-HEY.
-HEY.

HEY.

HEY, MAUREENIE.

ZORNKINS...

I BROUGHT
CHUPA'S FISH TACOS.

-YUM.
-YEAH.

UH, HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

[ZORN]
I WISH I KNEW
YOU WERE COMING.

I, UH--
I ALREADY HAVE PLANS.

-OH.
-YOU'VE GOT PLANS?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
I'M GONNA BE GOING, IN FACT.

WHAT KIND OF PLANS,
ZORNKINS?

AFTER HOURS NONE-OF-YOUR-
BUSINESS KINDA PLANS.

[KISSES]

-[DOOR CLOSES]
-GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

WHAT A RELIEF.

NOW I CAN FINALLY
TURN THIS FUCKIN' CAMERA OFF.

THERE SOME PROBLEM
BETWEEN YOU?

PERSONALLY, I ADVOCATE SEX
WITH AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY I'M ON
A STRICT MASTURBATION DIET.

IT'S THE ONLY
PURE SEX.

AND THE ONLY SUREFIRE WAY
TO AVOID DISEASE

AND AVERT POTENTIALLY
CORRUPTING INFLUENCES.

NOW, THAT MAY SOUND
LIKE A BLEAK AND LONELY
PRESCRIPTION,

BUT SUCH
ARE THE TIMES WE LIVE IN.

MORNING, KY.

MORNING, ZORN.

[GROANS]

THAT SON
OF A FUCKIN' BITCH!

WERE YOU SLEEPING?

WHAT, EARLIER?

YOU DIDN'T
HEAR ME KNOCKING?

YEAH, I DIDN'T KNOW IT
WAS YOU GUYS.

[SCOFFS]

OH, UH, BY THE WAY,
BLAKE ASKED ME TO ASK YOU

ABOUT THE "STRAIGHT GUYS
WHO AREN'T" FOOTAGE.

YEAH, I KNOW, KY.

I'LL CALL HIM!

[SCOFFS]
I CAN DELIVER IT
TO HIM FOR YOU.

[LOUD THUMP]

IS THAT EVERYTHING?

THANKS
FOR BRINGING THAT BY.

THANK YOU.
THANKS SO MUCH.

I'LL BE IN TOUCH, HUH?

"THANKS FOR
BRINGING THAT BY"?

"THAT" BEING...?

[SCOFFS]

COFFEE.

SO, UH, AS NOT INSULT
YOUR INTELLIGENCE, KY.

THE REG IS
A SEXUAL COMPULSIVE

WHO REGULARLY MAKES A MOCKERY
OF HIS MARRIAGE.

"SEXUAL COMPULSIVE"?

EVEN IF THAT WERE TRUE,
WHAT'S THE IDEA

OF TALKING THAT WAY
IN FRONT OF K-Y?

-THE IDEA?
-YEAH.

SOME HOT-ASS ASIAN CHICK
JUST POPS OUT OF THAT
BATHROOM,

YOU'RE LIKE,
"EH, SHE JUST DROPPED BY

-TO TAKE A SHIT."
-[TIRES SQUEAL]

OH, FUCK.

OH, JESUS.

-WHOA, WHOA.
-YOU GOOD?

YEAH, THANKS, KY.

ALL RIGHT.

[PHONE CHIMING]

BLAKE!

I'M DOIN' GOOD.
YOURSELF?

OH, RIGHT,
RIGHT, RIGHT.

OKAY,
HERE'S THE UPDATE.

YOU KNOW HOW WE RECYCLE
ALL OF OUR OLD TAPES TO KEEP
OUR COSTS DOWN?

YEAH, WE'VE BEEN
DOIN' IT FOREVER.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
DON'T WORRY.

I'M SURE THE TAPES ARE IN
OUR RECYCLE BIN SOMEWHERE.

WE JUST HAVEN'T HAD A MOMENT
TO GO THROUGH THEM, IS ALL.

NO, IT'S ABSOLUTELY
IMPORTANT.

IT COULDN'T BE
MORE IMPORTANT.

WE'RE ON IT.

OKAY.

OKAY. BYE.

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH?

I WILL.

AS SOON AS WE AGREE
ON WHAT THAT IS.

YOU DON'T KNOW?

WHY DO I GET THE FEELING
THAT YOU'RE SETTING ME UP,
ZORN?

THIS MYSTERY WITH THE TAPES,
THE CAMERA BULLSHIT?

I MEAN, IT'S WAY BEYOND
BEING PISSED OFF.

TELL BLAKE
I ERASED THE TAPES.

DID YOU?

DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.

I CAN'T HAVE THESE TAPES
MAKING AN ASSHOLE OUT OF ME

AFTER I'VE BEEN DEPOSED.

THIS IS
FUCKING SERIOUS, MAN.

-MMM.
-WE'RE BEING SUED.

I KNOW YOU'D LIKE TO BLAME
THE WHOLE THING ON ME,

BUT YOU CUT THE PIECE,
MAN, AND WE SPLIT THE CHECK.

WE.

YOU DEMANDED
THE MONEY SHOT.

AND I WAS RIGHT.
AND YOU AGREED.

[KY]
WHATCHA EATIN', A PB&J?

[ZORN]
SHUT UP, KY. JUST DRIVE.

[ZORN]
* DOO DOOBY-DOO

* DOO-DOOBY, DOOBY...

-WE'RE HERE.
-* DOOBY, DOOBY-DOO,
DOOBY DOO *

* THESE ARE NICE HOUSES...

THAT'S JESSUP'S HOUSE.

AND?

AND NOBODY'S HOME
DURING THE DAY,

SO NOW'S
A PERFECT TIME TO BREAK IN
AND TAKE A LOOK AROUND.

YOU SERIOUS?
YOU CAN'T JUST GO BREAKING
INTO SOMEONE'S HOUSE.

I DON'T INTEND TO.

GOOD.
BREAKING THE LAW

IS A GOOD PLACE
TO DRAW THE LINE.

CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING?

MAY I?

I WAS CHECKING OUT YOUR
"STRAIGHT GUYS WHO AREN'T"
PIECE AGAIN,

SEEING AS HOW IT'S GENERATED
SUCH CONTROVERSY...

[MEN MOANING ON TV]

[MOANING CONTINUES]

CAN A MAN BE STRAIGHT

AND HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX
WITH OTHER MEN?

SOME MEN APPARENTLY THINK
THE ANSWER IS...

YES.

[THE REG]
YOU CAME HERE TO HAVE SEX
WITH A MAN, RIGHT?

YOU HAD SEX WITH THE MAN
IN THAT MOTEL ROOM, RIGHT?

OKAY, SO ARE YOU
STRAIGHT OR ARE YOU GAY?

I'M STRAIGHT.

DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW?

MY WIFE?

YE-- WELL, YOU KNOW,
SH-- YEAH, SHE--

[THE REG]
FOR THE PURPOSES
OF THIS STORY,

WE TRACKED DOWN
BART HOSING,

A GAY MAN WITH
A SELF-PROFESSED FETISH

FOR SO-CALLED
"STRAIGHT" MEN.

I'M SURE THEY'RE
NOT REALLY STRAIGHT.

UH-HUH.

I MEAN, COME ON,
HOW COULD THEY BE?

CONFUSED.

"CONFUSED,"
LET'S CALL THEM.

[THE REG]
USING BART AS BAIT,

WE TOOK OUT
OUR OWN AD ON GREGSLIST

AND WAITED FOR HOOKUP OFFERS
TO START ROLLING IN.

WE DIDN'T HAVE
TO WAIT LONG.

IN LESS THAN ONE HOUR,
WE HAD OVER FORTY REPLIES.

DR. LAURA ENGALL IS
A CERTIFIED SEX THERAPIST

RESEARCHING
MALE SEXUAL IDENTITY.

ACCORDING TO MY RESEARCH,
THE PERCENTAGE OF MEN

WHO IDENTIFY
AS HETEROSEXUAL

BUT HAVE IMPULSES
TOWARDS OTHER MEN

IS ROUGHLY 50%.

NOT THAT THEY ACT ON IT,

BUT IT WOULD BE PERFECTLY
NATURAL IF THEY DID,

JUST NOT IN THE EYES
OF SOCIETY.

THOSE WHO FEEL COMPELLED
TO ACT ON IT

ARE OFTEN FORCED
TO LEAD DOUBLE LIVES

OUT OF DENIAL AND SHAME.

[THE REG]
ENTER GREG NEWMAN,
CREATOR OF GREGSLIST.

AN INTERNET PHENOMENON
FOR MANY REASONS,

IT PROVIDES THESE SO-CALLED
"DOWN-LOW MEN"

A FORUM TO CONNECT
FOR QUICK SEX

WITHOUT HAVING TO ENTER
INTO THE GAY SUBCULTURE,

THUS EASING THE ABILITY
TO ACT ON THEIR DESIRES.

BUT WHAT THE WOMEN?

THE WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS
OF THESE MEN

WHO ENGAGE IN UNPROTECTED SEX
WITH THEIR PARTNERS

UNAWARE OF THE POTENTIAL
DANGERS TO THEIR HEALTH?

THEREIN LIES THE RUB.

OR RUBS THE LIE.

CHEATING IS NOTHING NEW.

-LOOK THE DOOR BEHIND YOU.
-[MAGNUS PANTING]

[MEN MOANING ON TV]

NOW LOOK AT THE OVERSCAN.

THAT'S AN EDIT.

IT'S ALMOST INVISIBLE,
BUT IT'S AN EDIT.

THERE,
WHEN THE SPOTLIGHT COMES ON.

YOU MADE IT LOOK
LIKE ONE CONTINUOUS SHOT

BUT IT'S TWO.

WHAT'S MISSING?

ZORN,
YOU'RE A TECH WHIZ, RIGHT?

MM-HMM.

TELL HIM
HE'S IMAGINING THINGS.

YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS.

OKAY, I'LL JUST ASK BLAKE
HIS OPINION.

HE'S SORT OF
A TECH WHIZ, TOO.

-HE HASN'T SEEN THIS YET?
-NO.

JUST LIKE HE HASN'T SEEN
YOUR MASTER TAPES.

-KY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
-ZORN, DON'T AGREE WITH HIM.

NO, HE KNOWS, THE REG.
JUST DEAL WITH IT.

WHY'D YOU DO IT?

[THE REG]
"MAGNUMREAMER69"!

"MAGNUMREAMER,"
DON'T RUN AWAY!

GET THAT THING OUT OF MY FACE
OR I'LL KILL YOU, YOU HEAR?

YOU TRYIN' TO MAKE
A FAG OUTTA ME, MAN?

[THE REG]
I THINK YOU'RE DOING
A FINE JOB ON YOUR OWN.

-OH, YEAH?
-HOW WOULD YOUR WIFE FEEL

IF SHE KNEW THAT YOU WERE
SEEKING LIAISONS WITH MEN?

[BLEEP] YOU.
LET'S RUMBLE, MAN!

-OH, MY GOD.
-LET'S RUMBLE.
COME ON, BABY.

-SOMEBODY HELP! HELP!
-LET'S RUMBLE! LET'S RUMBLE!
COME ON!

THAT'S WHY.
WE NEEDED A MONEY SHOT.

I MEAN, SOME OF THE GUYS
THAT JUST CAME EXPECTING GUYS,

SHIT, MAN, I MEAN,
AS SOON AS THEY GOT CORNERED,

THEY JUST SHRUGGED.

WE NEEDED A SHOCKER.

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING TO CAP
THIS FUCKER OFF, YOU KNOW?

SO THE REG HERE,
HE RAN AN AD POSING AS A GIRL

TO SEE IF IT WOULD MAKE
A DIFFERENCE IN THE MARKS'
REACTIONS.

-IT DID.
-YOU GUYS.

YOU'RE MY KINDA BAD.

I GUESS BLAKE WON'T BE
SEEIN' THOSE TAPES.

THOSE WERE
ACCIDENTALLY ERASED.

HUH, WELL,
I WON'T TELL ANYBODY.

-YOU WON'T?
-NO.

NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU'S
GONNA BREAK INTO JESSUP'S HOUSE

-AND TAKE A LOOK AROUND?
-NOT ME.

OH, COME ON.
DON'T ACT LIKE
YOU'RE ABOVE IT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, THE REG?

YOU CAN
INCLUDE ME OUT, KY.

WHO'S WEARING
THE PANTS HERE, FELLAS?

NOW, I'M GONNA
SHOW THIS TO BLAKE

OR YOU'RE GONNA PLAY BALL.

NONE OF THE SECOND FLOOR WINDOWS
ARE WIRED TO AN ALARM.

-OH, JESUS.
-YOU'RE NOT
STEALING ANYTHING.

JUST SEARCH HIS OFFICE
FOR BANK STATEMENTS

RELATED TO VERNON TRUST,

TAKE YOUR FUCKING CAMERA
AND RECORD WHAT YOU FIND.

[THE REG MUTTERING]
FUCK THIS SHIT, MAN.

KY, GOD DAMN IT.
FUCK.

JESUS CHRIST,
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOIN'?

YEAH.

[GROANS]

OKAY.

OKAY, GOT IT,
GOT IT.

[THUMPS, GROANS]

UGH! FUCK!

OH, SHIT.

[PHONE CHIMING]

UH-- YEAH, THE REG?

THERE'S A DOG
IN THE HOUSE.

-A DOG?
-[LAUGHS] YEAH.

WHAT'S THE DOG'S NAME?

IT'S SOMETHING STUPID.

SOMETHING STUPID.
LIKE WHAT?

-[DOG WHINING]
-SCRUFFY?

[GROWLS]

JEEZ, FUCK YOU, ZORN.
FUCK.

HOW DID YOU MANAGE
TO FORGET A DOG?

OH, MAYBE
IT'S ALL THE SMOKE.

WHAT CAN I SAY?
I FORGOT.

YOU THINK I DID IT
INTENTIONALLY?

YOU'RE A PARANOIAC,
AREN'T YOU?

THAT'S WHAT'S UP
WITH ALL THESE CAMERAS, HUH?

-WHAT?
-THIS LAWSUIT.

THE REG BLAMED YOU
SO NOW YOU'RE KEEPIN' TABS
ON EACH OTHER.

THAT'S ONE REASON.

OH, YOU MANAGE TO FIGURE
THAT OUT BY YOURSELF, KY?

NO, THE REG TOLD ME,
YOU PARANOID FREAK.

GIVE ME SOME CREDIT.
I AM A JOURNALIST.

SCRUFF?

SCRUFFY...?

SCRUFFY?

ALL RIGHT,
THERE'S NO SCRUFFY.

HERE WE GO.
HERE'S THE OFFICE.
BINGO TIME.

COME ON, NOW.
OKAY.

[REG WHISPERS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

OKAY, THAT'S SOMETHING.

-[PHONE CHIMES]
- WHAT THE HELL?

YEAH?
OH, HI.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'M DOING?

NO, I'M WORKING.

NO, I'M NOT AT THE OFFICE.
WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MATTER?

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

NO, ZORN
IS NOT WITHIN EARSHOT.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND,
MAUREEN?

LAST NIGHT?

RIGHT, WELL YOU WERE
BEING AN ASSHOLE

AND I COULDN'T
TAKE IT, OKAY?

I SLEPT ON THE RV.
THAT'S RIGHT, I WAS ALONE.

LOOK, ARE YOU TURNING THIS
INTO A "PREACHER'S DAUGHTER,"
HERE?

-[BUMPS KEYS]
-FUCK.

A "PREACHER'S DAUGHTER."

PREACHER DADDY
ALWAYS ACCUSED HER
OF SINNING WITH THE BOYS,

SO ONE DAY SHE FIGURED,
"I'M GETTIN' BLAMED FOR
EVERYTHING ANYWAY,

I MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE SOME FUN."

-[BEEPING]
-WHAT?

AW, SHIT.

HAS THIS BEEN ON
THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME?

LISTEN MAUREEN,
YOU CAN READ INTO THIS

ANY LESSON THAT YOU WANT TO,
OKAY?

I GOT A LOW BATTERY
AND I GOTTA BOOGIE.

-[BEEPING CONTINUES]
-[GRUNTS]

SHIT.

-[DOOR OPENS]
-[ALARM RINGING]

SHIT! SHIT!
SHIT!

[DOG BARKING]

OKAY.
[GRUNTS]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

[MUTTERING]

-HUH.
-[BARKING CONTINUES]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

-WHAT'S HE GOT?
-OH, SHIT.

[GRUNTING]
OH, SHIT.

COME ON, DUDE,
GET YOUR ASS IN.

SHIT.
OH, COME ON.

[GRUNTING]

A FUCKING SAFE?

YOU THREW A SAFE
OFF OF A BALCONY, MAN.

WHAT THE HELL
WERE YOU THINKING?

I WAS LOSING BATTERY.
THIS LOOKED PROMISING.

-SUE ME.
-FUNNY.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
WE DO WITH THIS THING?

"PROMISING"?

THIS IS NOT PROMISING.

IT'S-- AFTER TUESDAY
WITH THE TAIL?

WHAT IF ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS
SAW THIS BEHEMOTH?

THEY'LL PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER
AND COME LOOKING FOR ME.

WHY WOULD THEY
COME LOOK FOR YOU, KY?

-I JUST MAKES SENSE.
-REALLY? HOW SO?

WELL, YOU KNOW,

WE HAD A ROCKY BREAK-UP.

- LIKE I TOLD YOU.
- [THE REG] HOW ROCKY?

WHAT? HAVE YOU
NEVER BROKEN-UP WITH
ANYONE BEFORE?

-OH, WHAT, ONCE OR TWICE?
-[KY] WELL, THEN YOU KNOW

THAT EX-BOYFRIENDS
ARE ALWAYS SUSPECTS.

[THE REG]
WHAT?

[ZORN]
OH, HE IS REALLY GETTING
ON MY NERVES, DUDE.

GIVE ME THIS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
$461.21 TO FILL UP.

BLAKE'S GONNA FREAK.

WHAT IS IT?

YOU OKAY?

[FAINT TRICKLING]

[SIGHS]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[THE REG]
YOU'RE AFRAID,
AREN'T YOU?

-WELL...
-THAT'S IT.

-AH-HH, YEAH.
-NAH.

I'M NOT EXACTLY
EAGER TO GET MY ASSED
KICKED AGAIN.

HE'S NOT GOING
TO KICK YOUR ASS.

YOU'RE NOT BEING LOGICAL
ABOUT THIS.

THINK IT THROUGH.
COGITATE.

AND, IF HE TRIES
TO KICK YOUR ASS,

-I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.
-YEAH, YOU'LL BE RIGHT HERE.

AND I'LL BE THERE,
GETTING MY ASS KICKED.

THAT'S NOT
WHAT I MEAN AND YOU KNOW IT.
I'M STONED.

DON'T HOLD ME UP
FOR SOME

-GRAMMATICAL SEMANTIC THING.
-JUST LISTEN TO ME

AND LISTEN GOOD,
ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT MARTINDALE
ON OUR BACK, OKAY?

-SO I DON'T CARE
HOW FUCKIN' LOGICAL...
-[RECORDER BEEPING]

-YOUR APPROACH MAY BE...
-UH. I GOT A MEMORY OUT.

-WHAT?
-I'M GONNA PAUSE
YOUR CAMERA.

[GRUNTS]

WHOA.
OKAY.

YOU HAVE TO DO THIS.
YOU HAVE TO.

-AND YOU
HAVE TO SUCCEED.
-[SIGHS]

IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN
SHITCAN THIS THING WITH K-Y

IS TO GET MARTINDALE
TO DROP THE LAWSUIT.

YOU DO THIS,

AND I WILL PERSONALLY
UNDERWRITE

THE CRAZIEST
WEEKEND IN VEGAS

YOU DEVIANT
LITTLE BRAIN
CAN CONJURE.

CRAZIEST--?
THAT'S HIM.

-FUCK. OKAY.
-DO THIS, MAN.

ALL RIGHT,
HERE WE GO.

[SIGHS]
ALL RIGHT.

I MEAN...

WHAT COULD HE DO
TO ME, RIGHT?

-YEP, BE RIGHT HERE.
-EH, FUCK.

AH.

[SIREN CHIRPS]

COME ON,
LITTLE BUDDY.

UH, MR. MARTINDALE, SIR?
HEY, HEY--

WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING HERE,
YOU LITTLE BASTARD?

PLEASE, LISTEN.
I KNOW I MAY HAVE
REALLY CAUGHT YOU

-AT A REALLY BAD TIME--
-GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

ACCORDING TO YOUR
RESTRAINING ORDER,

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO COME
WITHIN 500 FEET OF YOU.

WELL, I KNOW,
I THINK IT'S OKAY, THOUGH.

IF I COME WITHIN
500 FEET OF YOU,

IT'S JUST NOT
THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE,
YOU FUCKING IDIOT?

NOW GET THE FUCK
AWAY FROM ME!

ALL RIGHT, BUT,
BUT COME ON.

I'VE COME
TO OFFER YOU A TRUCE.

A TRUCE?

HOW 'BOUT I FORGIVE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, HUH?

NO, LISTEN, LISTEN.
PLEASE.

LISTEN, I WANT
TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER.

I'M WILLING TO DROP
ALL OF THE CHARGES.

AND I WON'T FILE
ANY CIVIL CLAIM FOR DAMAGES.

NOTHING.
PROVIDED...

YOU KNOW,
YOU DROP YOUR LAWSUIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU WOULDN'T BE
MAKING ANY OFFERS

UNLESS YOU WERE
AFRAID OF SOMETHING.

AND THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE AFRAID

ALMOST MAKES ME
WANT TO COME IN MY PANTS.

OKAY, PLEASE, MAN,
I'M JUST SAYIN',

I'M SORRY
YOU HAD TO SPEND
A NIGHT IN JAIL AND--

"NIGHT"?
TRY THREE!

THESE ASSHOLES
LOST MY PAPERWORK!

-SORRY ABOUT THAT...
-UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!

BUT LOOK,
THANKS FOR COMING BY
TO GREET ME.

I'M SURPRISED
YOU DIDN'T BRING MY WIFE,

YOU PRICK.
YOU FUCKING PRICK!

ALL RIGHT,
SO MUCH FOR VEGAS.

-STAY AWAY FROM ME!
-[ZORN] OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

-[CAR DOOR OPENS]
-NOPE. THAT GUY'S
NOT GONNA BUDGE.

-ALL RIGHT.
-[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

[ZORN]
PASS.

PASS THE DOOBIE.
SHIT, OH.

"TRASHISH."

OH, LOOK.

AND THEN
THERE WERE TWO.

-WHAT'S WITH THE CAMERAS?
-I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

THEY'RE MAKING
A MAKING-OF MOVIE.

NOT WITH ME IN IT
THEY'RE NOT.

[WHISPERS]
I CAN'T BE SEEN HERE.

LISTEN, GUYS,

PROMISE THAT YOU'LL
KEEP HIM OUT OF THE FRAME

AT ALL TIMES.

-PROMISE!
-[ZORN] WHO IS HE?

FOR THE SAKE
OF ALL INVOLVED

-REFER TO HIM AS "MR. X."
-[ZORN] MR. X?

[ZORN]
SO, THE POINT FOR HIM
BEING HERE TODAY IS...

TO MARK THE SPOT.

IS THAT CAMERA
AIMED OVER HERE?

-[THE REG] IT'S BELOW THE NECK.
-YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

IT LOOKS LIKE
IT'S POINTED AT ME.

WHAT ABOUT THAT CAMERA?

[ZORN]
NOW, WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE, KY?

STASH THAT IN THE RV,
AND FOLLOW US.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

"MR. X," MY ASS.

[SNORTS]

ZORN MAN, LISTEN UP.

I AM RULING TODAY
A CAMERA-FREE DAY.

LOOK, THE LAST THING WE NEED
IS PHYSICAL EVIDENCE

OF OUR INVOLVEMENT
IN WHATEVER SCHEME

-THAT K-Y'S COOKING UP.
-YOU'RE THINKIN' BACKASSWARDS.

MAYBE K-Y FIGURED OUT
THAT OUR STRAIGHT GUYS PIECE

WASN'T HOLY
ALONG TIME AGO.

OKAY?

MAYBE HE AND BLAKE

HAVE CONCOCTED
THIS JESSUP STORY

AS A RUSE TO CATCH US
WITH OUR PANTS DOWN.

-WHAT IF WE'RE THE STORY?
-WHOA, WHOA, MAN.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT
I WAS THE PARANOID.

THAT'S LIKE SOME
PHILIP K. DICK MINDWARP
PARANOIA SHIT

YOU GOT GOING ON THERE.

YEAH?
WHAT'S IN THAT BAG?

[GRUNTS]

PROOF POSITIVE
THAT THIS SITUATION

NOT ONLY
SUGGESTS CAMERAS...

IT DEMANDS THEM.

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

YOU SEE THAT BOX UP
ON THE TELEPHONE POLE?

-YEAH.
-YEAH, YOU DO?

OPEN IT.
CLAMP THESE WIRES
TO ANY TWO LEAD-INS.

RIGHT HERE
IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, YEAH?

JUST ACT NATURAL.
NOBODY'LL NOTICE.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE INSTRUCTING ME
TO BREAK INTO THAT BOX,

ATTACH THIS THING TO IT
FOR THE PURPOSES OF HIJACKING
TELEPHONE SERVICE?

IN SO MANY WORDS, YES.

AND IF I REFUSE,
YOU'LL DISCLOSE THE EDIT

IN THE "STRAIGHT GUYS
WHO AREN'T" EXPOSE,

NEVER MIND
THAT YOUR OWN STATION
PAID FOR IT

AND IS LISTED
AS OUR CO-DEFENDANT?

CORRECT.
I'LL POINT THE FINGER
AT YOU.

YOU SHOULD BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF,
KY KITTRIDGE,

FOR EXTORTING THE COMMISSION
OF A CRIMINAL ACT

IN PURSUIT
OF YOUR OWN AGENDA.

WELL, YOU SCRATCH MY BACK,
I'LL SCRATCH YOURS.

[BOLT PINGS, CLATTERS]

-SHIT.
-[BANGS]

HEY, HEY, THE REG?

YOU DROPPED SOMETHING.

[LAUGHS]

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

[CHIMES]

ALL RIGHT,
I'M CONNECTED.

OH, I GET IT.

THAT THINGY IN THE BOX IS LIKE
AN AD HOC TELEPHONE LINE.

SO NONE OF THIS
IS TRACEABLE.

I'M TAKING YOUR GAME
TO A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL, THE REG.

IMAGINE FINDING
A BROWN ENVELOPE

WITH THE LETTERS
"KL" ON IT.

MIGHT ONE NOT BE TEMPTED
TO OPEN SAID ENVELOPE?

THE GUY'S PISSING ME OFF,
YOU KNOW?

"KEYSTROKE LOGGER"?
WHAT'S THAT?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

AND IF I DID,

I WOULDN'T BE
AT LIBERTY TO SAY.

NOW, SUPPOSING
ONE WERE TO STUMBLE ON
A SERVER IP ADDRESS,

PERHAPS FOR THE CITY
OF VERNON

FORWARD SLASH/"FINANCE,"
WOULDN'T THAT BE...

FORTUNATE?

YEAH, YEAH,
SUPPOSE I DID?

MIGHT ONE NOT WONDER
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF ONE WERE TO TRY
RUNNING SAID...

"KEYSTROKE LOGGER"?
JESUS CHRIST, MAN!

WHAT IS WITH
THIS FUTURE PERFECT TENSE

THIRD-PERSON BULLSHIT?

I'M RIGHT HERE!
WHY WON'T HE LOOK AT ME?

LOOK AT ME,
YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
I'M RIGHT HERE!

TALK TO ME,
YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

CHECK,
CHECK THE ANGER ZORN!

THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING
IF YOU JUST HAVE FAITH.

CHECK THE ANGER, ZORN.
HERE.

-[COMPUTER MUSIC PLAYS]
-[THE REG CHUCKLES]

[VOICE DISTORTED]

-[VIDEO WHIRRING]
-[VOICE DISTORTED]

[HACKING COUGH]

[HACKING]

UGH! AH!

HEY, I HAVE
A NAME AND PASSWORD.

UGH! LA, LA,
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
I DID NOT HEAR THAT.

[COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKING,
MUSIC TONE PLAYING]

FOLLOW THE MONEY, RIGHT?

LIKE "DEEP THROAT" TELLS THEM
IN "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN"?

ISN'T THAT ONE
FROM YOUR GENERATION?

ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M DONE.

ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE THIS
IS ALL KINDS OF ILLEGAL.

THIS IS LIKE 20 YEARS
IN THE FEDERAL PEN ILLEGAL.

MORE LIKE FIVE TO TEN
THERE, BUDDY.

KY, I SIDING
WITH ZORN ON THIS ONE,
ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS ALL KINDS
OF ILLEGAL.

OKAY, WELL,
YOU'RE SOMETHING OF
AN EXPERT ON THAT,

-AREN'T YOU?
-EXACTLY.

AND THAT'S WHY
YOU SHOULD LISTEN.

GUYS, YOU HEARD BLAKE.
THIS COULD MEAN A LOCAL EMMY.

-FUCK!
-[THE REG] KY, IF JESSUP
IS DOING WHAT YOU SAY,

THERE'S OTHER WAYS
TO PROVE IT.

ALL RIGHT?
WE HAVE FOUR WEEKS LEFT.

HOW ABOUT A CRASH COURSE

IN OLD-SCHOOL
INVESTIGATIVE
JOURNALISM?

HOW ABOUT
YOU LICK MY BALLS?

I'LL PASS.

HEY,
SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.

LOOK WHO JUST PULLED UP.

-OH, SHIT.
-ZORN.

-YEAH?
-GRAB CONNIE.

OH, HELL, YEAH!

[KY]
WAIT A MINUTE!
WHO'S "CONNIE"?

[ZORN]
HA, YEAH...

JUST PARK THE LADY
RIGHT HERE.

[KY]
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THIS IS WHAT WE CALL
"STIRRING UP...

THE HORNET'S NEST."

WATCH AND LEARN, KY.
WATCH AND LEARN.

WATCH AND LEARN, KY.
WATCH AND LEARN.

NO. NO. NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

MAYOR JESSUP.

I'M REGINALD BLOCK-HUNSLEIGH

WITH INSTANT KARMA
INVESTIGATIVE NEWS SERVICE.

WHOA, NO, NO, NO, NO.

EH, YOU WANT AN INTERVIEW,

YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO SCHEDULE ONE
THROUGH CITY

-PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE.
-JUST ONE QUICK QUESTION.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
TAX REVENUE BEING DIVERTED
TO A SECRET SLUSH FUND

FOR USE BY YOU
AND THE CITY COUNCIL?

[LAUGHS]
I KNOW YOU BETTER BE
CAREFUL

ABOUT MAKING ACCUSATIONS
THAT ARE SLANDEROUS.

WELL, THAT'S NOT A DENIAL,
IS IT?

THAT YOUR RV OVER THERE?

NO.

DIDN'T YOU
JUST COME OUT OF IT?

YES, BUT IT'S NOT OURS.

ARE YOU DENYING
THE EXISTENCE

OF A SECRET SLUSH FUND,
MR. MAYOR?

UGH! MARIBEL?

I THINK
WE NEED TO BE LEAVING.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE
A LICENSE FOR YOU
IN JUST A SEC.

WE HAVE AN INFORMANT,
MR. MAYOR,

AN INFORMANT
WITH INSIDE INFORMATION
OF A SLUSH FUND.

DO THE WORDS "TUESDAY POKER"
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

"TUESDAY POKER"?
THAT MEANS NOTHING
TO YOU, HUH?

-ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
-[JESSUP] ALL RIGHT.

-HERE IT IS.
-YOU KNOW WE'RE
RECORDING RIGHT NOW?

-[JESSUP] I GOT IT.
-[ZORN] DUDE, THE SAFE!

-5-VICTOR-VICTOR-S...
-THE SAFE'S IN THE RV.
THE SAFE'S IN THE RV.

-OH, SHIT, COME ON, MAN,
WE GOTTA GO!
-START THE FUCKIN' MOTOR!

COME ON.
RUN!

-[LAUGHING]
-OH, SHIT, BROTHER...

"RUN!"

AH, SHIT.

WE'RE STILL SUED, MAN.

YEAH, WELL,

YOU HAVEN'T LIVED
UNTIL YOU'VE BEEN SUED.

THIS IS LIKE
AN OFFICIAL ADMISSION
INTO ADULTHOOD.

MAZEL TOV!

-HEY!
-HEY!

-YOU KNOW...
-[COUGHS]

LET'S JUST SIT DOWN
WITH BLAKE

AND JUST LAY
ALL THE CARDS ON THE TABLE.

YOU KNOW?
MAYBE WE CAN FIGURE OUT

A WAY TO SETTLE THIS THING
TOGETHER.

SETTLE WITH MARTINDALE?

-[LAUGHS]
-PROBABLY NOT, HUH?

I MEAN, WHY BOTHER?
WE CAN LIE,

OBFUSCATE AND TAMPER
WITH EVIDENCE.

FUCK THAT CHEATING FUCK!

YOU ARE ON HIS WIFE,
AREN'T YOU?

YEAH.
[LAUGHS]

[COUGHS]
I AM!

YOU THINK
THAT ABOUT ME, TOO?

YOU ARE A CHEATING FUCK,

BUT, OH,
HOW I'VE LEARNED
TO FORGIVE YOU.

OH, SHIT--

I THINK WE JUST LOST
THE BRAKES, MAN!

THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

-YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
-[PEDAL THUMPING]

ARE YOU
FUCKING KIDDING ME?

-NO, NO, NO, NO!
-STRAP ME IN, MAN!
STRAP ME IN!

OH, AH, OH, OKAY.
I GOT YA. OKAY!

ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.
DON'T PANIC, OKAY?

JUST DON'T--
I GOTTA TRY MYSELF.

OKAY--
[PANTING]

WHAT'RE WE GONNA--?
DON'T PANIC!

WHAT AM WE GONNA DO?
FUCK! SHIT! KY! KY!

KY. KY, KY, KY...

[STAMMERING]

KY! HEY!
HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
WE LOST OUR BRAKES.

NO, I'M NOT,
I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING
WITH YOU, MAN.

WE'VE LOST OUR BRAKES!

JUST SLOW DOWN!

GOSH, JESUS...

ALL RIGHT, KY,
YOU GOTTA BE OUR BRAKES.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU JUST SLOW DOWN

-UNTIL WE BUMP INTO YOU.
-[THE REG] WHAT?

-[TIRES SQUEALING]
-KY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN?

I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS
ABOUT YOUR PAINT JOB,
ASSHOLE!

-OH... FUCK.
-[ZORN] WE'RE A ROLLING
DEATHTRAP HERE!

AGH!

DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE, KY!
JUST SLOW DOWN, DUDE.

UNH-HH!

UH! I THINK
WE MIGHT ACTUALLY MANAGE
TO KILL SOMEONE TODAY!

-[TIRES SCREECHING]
-OH, SHIT!

[BANGING]

-[COUGHING]
-[DISTANT SIRENS WAILING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[KY]
LISTEN GUYS,

I-- I CAN'T WORK
WITH YOU ANYMORE.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

WHY DON'T YOU GO FIRST?

WHY DOES IT MATTER
WHO GOES FIRST?

WELL, IT MATTERS
IS THAT GUY NUMBER TWO
CAN CHANGE HIS MIND.

UH, AND GUY NUMBER ONE
HAS A TAPED CONFESSION,

GUY NUMBER TWO
THEN HAS GUY NUMBER ONE'S
BALLS IN A VICE.

I'M NOT GONNA
CHANGE MY MIND, ZORN.

WELL, NEITHER AM I, MAN.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO FIRST?

I MEAN,
YOU HAVE GOT SOME
TRUST ISSUES, MAN.

I MEAN,
IT'S SOMETHING TO ADDRESS
AT A LATER DATE, OKAY?

-I MEAN, I JUST...
-SO, WE'RE GONNA

CONFESS ALL OF OUR
VIDEOGRAPHIC SINS

STARTING WITH THE GREASE FIRE
AT THE PURIM CARNIVAL...

-[SCOFFS]
-...UP TO THE PRESENT DAY,

AND WE'LL CALL IT QUITS.

-NO MORE CAMERAS?
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I THOUGHT K-Y
WAS COMIN' AT 3:00
TO PICK UP THE RV.

YEAH, WELL,
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

-[DOOR OPENS]
-KY, WOULD YOU...

FUCK! OH, SHIT.
OH, SHIT.

WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, MAN?

-OH...
-TELL YOUR FRIEND
TO COME OUT HERE.

THE REG?
UH, YOUR COMPANY
IS BEING REQUESTED.

I'LL KILL YOU
IF HE DOESN'T MATERIALIZE
IN TWO SECONDS.

THE REG,
GET THE FUCK OUT HERE!
HE HAS A GUN, MAN.

HEY, COME ON,
DUDE, MAN,

WHA-- WHAT ABOUT
THAT RESTRAINING ORDER, HUH?

GET ON YOUR KNEES,
BOTH OF YOU.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

WHOA, MAN,
WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT, HUH?

I SAID,
"OPEN YOUR MOUTH,"

NOT TALK OUT OF IT,
YOU TV COCKSUCKER.

AND YOU THOUGHT
HAVIN' A CAMERA

GAVE YOU THE POWER
TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT?

-UGH.
-EAT IT.

-[GAGS]
-EAT IT!

GO ON, EAT IT.

YOU ASKED FOR IT,
NOW YOU'VE GOT IT.

DUDE, DUDE, PLEASE.
I MEAN, LISTEN,

WE KNOW THAT YOU'RE PISSED OFF
AT US AND EVERYTHING.

I MEAN,
WHAT COULD WE DO TO MAKE
THINGS RIGHT WITH YOU, MAN?

-AFTER BEING OUT
WITH MY WIFE LAST NIGHT?
-NOT EVEN, MAN.

THE ONLY INTEREST
THAT SHE HAD IN ME
WAS TO SEE

IF THERE WAS ANY INFORMATION
ON THOSE TAPES

THAT-- THAT DIDN'T
MAKE IT TO THE AIR.

-TAPES THAT PROVE
THAT YOU SET ME UP?
-YEAH, OKAY...

-[THE REG MUMBLES]
-NO, OKAY?

UH, ACTUALLY,
THOSE WOULDN'T BE
ANY HELP TO HER.

BUT, YOU DO HAVE
THOSE TAPES, DON'T YOU?

WE'RE A LOW-BUDGET
OPERATION, OKAY?

WE'RE CONSTANTLY
RECYCLING TAPES.

WE SHOT THAT PIECE
LIKE TWO MONTHS AGO.

WHAT'S WITH
ALL THE CAMERAS?

WE'RE MAKING
A MAKING-OF MOVIE.

YOU'RE MAKING A WHAT?

IT'S JUST,
IT'S ABOUT US,
BASICALLY.

YOU REALLY THINK
YOU'RE THAT INTERESTING?

-IS THIS RECORDING?
-[ZORN] YEAH.

I WANNA SEE
WHAT YOU'RE MAKIN'.

IT'S-- IT'S NOT
THAT IMPORTANT.

SHUT UP.

[STATIC BUZZES,
VIDEO WHIRRS]

-SO, WE'RE GONNA CONFESS...
-IT'S BECOMING
SO APPARENT TO ME THAT...

ALL OF OUR
VIDEOGRAPHIC SINS

STARTING WITH THE GREASE FIRE
AT THE PURIM CARNIVAL...

-[SCOFFS]
-...UP TO THE PRESENT DAY.

[STATIC BUZZES]

"CONFESS YOUR SINS,"
HUH?

SOUNDS LIKE
WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.

WHERE ARE THE REST
OF THE TAPES FOR THIS
"MAKING-OF" MOVIE?

OR ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME
YOU ERASED THEM, TOO?

EH, DUDE,
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ON THAT.

THE REST OF THE FOOTAGE,
IT'S IN THE OFFICE.

I MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE
A LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH, WELL,
YEAH, I'LL SHOW IT TO YOU...

OH NO, HOLD,
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

[WHIRRING]

[ZORN]
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE
ON THAT, MAN.

I SWEAR.
THE REST OF THE FOOTAGE
IS IN THE OFFICE.

[PANTING, MOANING]

THAT'S MY WIFE!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!
THAT WAS YOU LAST NIGHT.

WHOA, NO, NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S NOT YOUR WIFE, BRO.

OKAY, LISTEN.
I SWEAR ON A STACK
OF FUCKIN' BIBLES.

DON'T YOU THINK
I KNOW THE SOUND OF HER

WHEN SHE SPILLS
HER CREAM?

AND THOSE TITS.

I SHOULD KILL YOU
JUST FOR INSULTING
MY INTELLIGENCE.

-THAT'S NOT YOUR WIFE, MAN.
-IT SURE THE FUCK IS!

NO, MAN...

[PANTING CONTINUES]

IT'S MINE.

YOUR WIFE?

[WOMAN SIGHS]

[SOBS]
MAN, MAUREEN NEVER
SMOKED WITH ME.

[MAGNUS]
YOUR WIFE?

SAY, WHAT KIND OF PARTNERSHIP
YOU GOT HERE, BOYS?

IT'S NOT THAT KIND.

[MAGNUS]
ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S IT LIKE
BEING ON THE RECEIVING END
OF AN UNWELCOME SURPRISE?

-HOW LONG HAS THIS
BEEN GOING ON, ZORN?
-YEAH, TELL HIM HOW LONG.

-HOW LONG?
-NOT, NOT LONG.

-HOW LONG!
-SINCE YOU GAVE HER
CHLAMYDIA.

-I DIDN'T GIVE HER
FUCKING CHLAMYDIA!
-YEAH, YOU DID, ASSHOLE.

SHE JUST DIDN'T
SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

YOU MEAN
I'VE GOT FUCKIN' CHLAMYDIA

AND NOBODY BOTHERED
TO FUCKIN' TELL ME?

WHAT EXACTLY
IS CHLAMYDIA, ANYWAY?

OH, THEY CALL IT
THE "SILENT STD."

NOTHING A CYCLE
OF ANTIBIOTICS
CAN'T CURE.

AW, FUCK, MAN...!

YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS

JUST CONFESS ON TAPE
TO SETTING ME UP

AND THEN I'LL LEAVE,
AND YOU CAN SORT THIS MESS
OUT IN PRIVATE?

OKAY, HEY,
WE'D LOVE TO,

UH, IT'S JUST A PROBLEM...

-WE DIDN'T SET YOU UP.
-COULD YOU HOLD ON A MINUTE?

-NO, THERE'S NOTHING
TO THINK ABOUT.
-NO, FUCK YOU!

-HOLD ON A MINUTE!
-THERE'S NOTHING
TO THINK ABOUT, ASSHOLE!

IF YOU WERE SET UP,
AND I'M SAYIN' IF,

BECAUSE I WASN'T THERE, MAN.
IF YOU WERE SET UP,

THE GUY WHO'S RESPONSIBLE,
HE WORKS FOR KTPC NEWS 4.

-HIS NAME IS KY KITTRIDGE.
-THAT PUNK REPORTER?

YEAH. I MEAN,
WE WERE WORKING
FOR HIM, MAN.

I MEAN, WELL, WE QUIT
BECAUSE WE COULDN'T

-TAKE ANYMORE
OF HIS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
-BULLSHIT, MAN...

BUT YEAH, WE WERE--
WE WERE WORKING FOR HIM.

THE GUY
WITH THE FUSSY HAIRCUT?
DARK HAIR, SKINNY?

DON'T LET
HIS LOOKS FOOL YOU.

HE'S A SLY ONE,
HE'S A REAL DOUCHEBAG.

YOU'RE FUCKING
YOUR FRIEND'S WIFE?

YOU'RE KIND OF A SLY
DOUCHEBAG YOURSELF.

-YEAH, LOOK WHO'S TALKING.
-[MAGNUS] HEY, FUCK YOU.

I NEVER FUCKED
A FRIEND OF MINE'S WIFE.

-NOT WITHOUT PERMISSION.
-OH, JESUS...

THERE ARE CERTAIN
UNWRITTEN RULES.

YOU'RE BOTH
FUCKIN' ASSHOLES, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, GLASS HOUSES,
PICK YOUR NEXT WORDS CAREFULLY,

'CAUSE
THEY COULD BE YOUR LAST.

-[ZORN SIGHS]
-SO, NO CONFESSION?

OKAY. PLAN B.

-LAY ON YOUR STOMACHS.
-[BOTH] WHAT?

LAY ON YOUR
FUCKING STOMACHS!

[ZORN] ALL RIGHT.
I GOT IT. OKAY.

-YOU GUYS GOT
ANY S&M EXPERIENCE?
-[ZORN] FUCK, WE'RE DEAD.

-OH MAN,
LOOK, COME ON, MAN.
-COME ON, MAN.

LISTEN, WE'RE JUST A COUPLE
OF EAT-SHIT MOTHERFUCKERS

FISHING FOR PENNIES.

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T HOLD US
RESPONSIBLE

FOR THE DEMANDS
THAT ARE MADE ON US

BY THOSE WHO CONTROL
THE MEDIUM IN WHICH WE WORK.

[MAGNUS]
IF NOT YOU, WHO?
IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

-I DON'T KNOW.
SOMEONE ELSE, MAN.
-YEAH.

LOOK,
WE EXPOSE SCUMBAGGERY.

YOU KNOW,
THE-- THE EXPLOITATION
OF THE INNOCENT,

THE LITTLE GUY.

WE ARE THE LAST
OF THE LONE RANGERS.

THE REAL HARD-NEWS GUYS.

IT'S THE MACHINE
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I MEAN,
IT GRINDS YOU DOWN, MAN!

IT MAKES YOU GRATEFUL

IF THE TURD IT STUFFS
IN YOUR MOUTH IS MOIST.

HUH?

IT'S JUST
METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING.

YOU SEE, THE PROBLEM,
MR. MARTINDALE, SIR,

IS THAT GOOD JOURNALISM IS...
TAKES PATIENCE.

PATIENCE IS TIME.
TIME IS MONEY.

THE MONEY,
IT'S IN ENTERTAINING.

YOU KNOW,
ERGO, GOOD JOURNALISM,
IT EQUALS POVERTY.

AND THAT IS THE BUSINESS MODEL
THAT WE ARE FORCED TO STRADDLE

AND I'M SORRY
TO SAY THAT,

BUT SOMETIMES
WE JUST GOTTA TAKE ONE
TO THE BALLS!

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH
WITH THIS YAMMERING.

[TOGETHER]
OKAY.

I THINK I HEAR
A CONFESSION PERCOLATING
UNDERNEATH, NO?

WE'RE SORRY.
WE'RE SORRY.

-THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY.
-[MAGNUS] OKAY. WELL,

WE'RE GONNA TAKE
A LITTLE FIELD TRIP, KIDS.

-OH, COME ON.
-OH, NO.

[MAGNUS LAUGHS]

YOU SHOULD SEE
YOUR FACES NOW.

[CHUCKLES]

[KY GAGGED, MUFFLED]
OH! NO. NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO...
[GROANS]

-[MAGNUS] OPEN IT!
-[KY WHIMPERS]

[MAGNUS]
YOU'RE THE BOSS,
YOU DON'T KNOW THE COMBO?

I FIND THAT
A LITTLE HARD
TO BELIEVE.

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

[KY]
I'M NOT THE BOSS.
IS THAT WHAT THEY TOLD YOU?

ISN'T THAT
WHAT YOU TOLD ME?

[MUFFLED]
YES, IT WAS.
HE'S THE BOSS.

WHAT'S THE STORY WITH--
WHAT HAS HE GOT, ALLERGIES
OR SOMETHING?

[ZORN MUMBLES]

LISTEN, LISTEN!
THEY'RE THE ONE'S
WHO SET YOU UP.

THEY NEEDED A MONEY SHOT
FOR THEIR "STRAIGHT GUYS
WHO AREN'T" PIECE

AND YOU WERE
THEIR SUCKER.

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

[SPITTING]
AH, FUCK!

THAT'S COMPLETELY UNTRUE.

I MEAN, HE'S LIKE THIS
GIANT MACHIAVELLIAN HAND

FORCING US
TO DO HIS BIDDING.

[KY] PLEASE!
THEY'RE INDEPENDENT
CONTRACTORS.

THEY DELIVERED
THE PIECE FINISHED.

OH, OH, BY THE WAY,
HE KNOWS THE COMBINATION

-TO THAT SAFE.
-[KY] I DO NOT!

THE REG!
THE REG STOLE THAT SAFE

FROM A HOUSE
THAT WE WERE COVERTLY
INVESTIGATING.

COVERTLY THAT IS,
UNTIL THEY BLEW OUR COVER.

NOT-- NOT THAT
THEY WORK FOR ME.
THEY-- THEY DON'T.

KY, WE DIDN'T
BLOW OUR COVER, OKAY?

WE JUST WEREN'T
PREPARED TO LET YOU MAKE
FELONS OUT OF US AGAIN.

-SUE ME.
-[KY] WELL,
DON'T BELIEVE THEM.

THEY'RE HORRIBLE
STONER MISCREANTS.

THEY WOULD KICK
A CRIPPLE'S CRUTCHES.

[MAGNUS]
STONERS, HUH?

YEAH.

[MAGNUS]
WHERE'S YOUR WEED?

[SNIFFS]

NICE. O.G. KUSH.

ME LOVES
THE TALL GREEN TREES.

-[LIGHTER CLICKS]
-[GURGLING]

[MAGNUS]
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

[ZORN]
HE'S LIKE, ADDICTED
TO "NAZOFF."

YOU THINK HE COULD HAVE
A BLAST OF THAT?

IT'S IN HIS POCKET.

[MAGNUS]
HELP HIM OUT.

[ZORN]
KY, GET IT.
IT'S IN HIS LEFT POCKET.

[KY GROANS, GRUNTS]

[ZORN] COME ON,
KEEP IT CLEAN, KY!

[THE REG GAGS]

-AH, FUCK.
-[BLOWS NOSE]

-[GAGS]
-IT'S EMPTY.

MR. MARTINDALE,
I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GET THIS MAN

-SOME NAZOFF.
-[GAGGING]

-[MAGNUS]
CAN HE OPEN THE SAFE?
-NO, I TOLD YOU MAN,

-THAT'S KY'S DEPARTMENT!
-STOP THAT, DAMN YOU!

GOD DAMN IT, KY,
WOULD YOU JUST
OPEN THE SAFE?

I MEAN, LOOK AT THE REG!
HE CAN BARELY BREATHE.

I MEAN, DO YOU
REALLY WANT HIS DEATH
ON YOUR CONSCIENCE?

-[MAGNUS] KY?
-I DON'T KNOW THE COMBINATION!

-NO, NO, NO!
-[ZORN] WAY TO GO, KY!

-[SPRAY HISSES]
-[SNORTING]

WHAT'S THE COMBINATION
TO THE SAFE?

-I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
-GRAB A COUPLE MORE BLOCKS
OF THAT PLASTIC, WILL YA?

WELL, ACCORDING TO THE REG,
YOU DO KNOW.

-[GURGLES]
-AND UH, SOME DETCORD.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD
END THIS MISERY.

-[PUFFS]
-[HISSES]

-[PUFFS]
-HE TURNED ON ME?

-THAT BASTARD.
-[GURGLES]

I DON'T KNOW
THE COMBINATION,
MR. MARTINDALE.

AND I'M PRETTY SURE
WHAT I FIND INSIDE

IS GONNA MAKE
A LIAR OUT OF ONE OF YOU.

OR MAYBE ALL OF YOU.

LISTEN, "BAD COP"?

CAN I PLEASE
TALK TO "GOOD COP"
FOR A SECOND?

I SWEAR.
IT'S-- IT'S NOT MY SAFE.

YOU HAVE
TO BELIEVE ME.

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER
I'M GONNA GET THAT SAFE OPEN.

AND WHEN I DO,
YOU WON'T BE SMIRKING.

IT'S LIKE
THEY'VE GOT IT OUT
FOR ME.

KY IS THE GUY.

-[MUFFLED] KY...
-HE'S THE PUPPETMASTER.

-[MUFFLED] KY...
-THE "JOHNNY BLUESUIT"!

-[MUFFLED] KY!
-I'VE NEVER BEEN A COOL GUY.

I DON'T-- I MEAN...

[SOBS]
I THINK THAT THEY
PICKED UP ON THAT.

AND THEN THEY'RE LIKE
HIGH SCHOOL SADISTS.

I MEAN,
THEY'RE JUST OUT
TO TORMENT ME.

BUT, I FEEL LIKE
YOU AND I COULD BE FRIENDS.

[SOBBING]
I FEEL THAT,

DON'T YOU?

NOT A FUCKIN' CHANCE.

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

[ENGINE STOPS]

[MURMURING]

[WHINING,
COUGHING]

[BANGS]

[KY]
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

I THINK HE BLEW UP
THE SAFE.

[COUGHING]

WHAT?

EXPLAINS A LOT,
DON'T IT?

WHAT'S A PUNK LIKE THIS

DOING WITH
A HUNDRED AND TWENTY GRAND
IN CASH?

[KY]
THAT'S A LIE!
THAT'S NOT MY CASH!

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

THAT'S NOT MY CASH!

WHAT A RELIEF.

I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE GONNA DENY OWNERSHIP
OF THESE, TOO?

WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE?

FROM YOUR SAFE, ASSHOLE.

THIS GUY'S
A REAL FUCKING DIEHARD.

IT'S NOT MY SAFE.
IT'S SIMON JESSUP'S.

THE REG STOLE IT.
I ALREADY TOLD YOU!

THANK YOU. HEY, KY,
I'M JUST TAKIN' A GUESS HERE,

BUT, UH,
ARE THOSE PHOTOS

THE REASON WHY HIS DAUGHTER
IS NO LONGER DATING YOU?

-FUCK!
-I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHAT IF I KEEP THIS MONEY
AND WE CALL OURSELVES EVEN?

FORGET ANY OF THIS SHIT
EVER HAPPENED?

-THAT GETS MY VOTE.
-MAY I PLEASE HAVE THE PHOTOS?

WELL, THAT BRINGS UP
A THORNY ISSUE.

YOU SEE,
I WARNED YOU ABOUT
BEING STRAIGHT WITH ME,

BUT YOU
DIDN'T LISTEN.

A REASONABLE MAN
WOULD HAVE TO ASSUME

THAT YOU'RE
NOT TRUSTWORTHY.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT
THAT YOU HAVE CAUSED ME

MORE THAN A LITTLE
HUMILIATION AMONGST
MY PEERS.

AND QUITE POSSIBLY

THE BEST WIFE
THAT I'VE EVER HAD.

THAT WASN'T ME!

LOOK, KY,
WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST
SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE?

-BUT I WASN'T--
-KY! SHUT IT, MAN!

IF I TAKE THIS CASH
AS COMPENSATION

AND I DROP MY LAWSUIT...

WELL, I'M GONNA NEED
AN INSURANCE POLICY.

SOMETHING THAT SAYS
THAT YOU'LL KEEP YOUR END
OF THE BARGAIN.

AND, I WOULDN'T MIND
A LITTLE REVENGE EITHER.

[CHUCKLES]

REVENGE LIKE WHAT?

[LAUGHS]

[SPUTTERS]

[SNORTS]

DUDE!

TURNABOUT'S FAIR PLAY.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO
UPLOAD A PHOTO.

I'VE ALWAYS FOUND
THE HARD SELL IS THE BEST.

OH...

AND INSIST ON
PHONE VERIFICATION, TOO.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED
HOW MANY GUYS RESPOND
TO THESE ADS.

[KY]
HMM?

GREETINGS, THE REG.

HEY, JUST PLEASE
LISTEN TO THIS

EVEN IF YOU'VE ALREADY
MADE YOUR MIND UP ABOUT ME.

I'VE LOVED MAUREEN
SINCE THE DAY I MET HER.

YET ALL THIS TIME, MAN,
I WAS NEVER JEALOUS

THAT YOU HAD HER.
I WAS HAPPY FOR YOU.

I MEAN, ANYWAY,
I MEAN, SHE WAS HOPE FOR ME.

PROOF THAT A WOMAN

COULD ACTUALLY BE
ALL THAT MAUREEN IS.

BUT THE WAY
YOU CHEAT ON HER, MAN,

IT HURTS HER.

YOU KNOW,
SHE JUST KEEPS IT TO HERSELF

THINKING, YOU KNOW,
SOMEDAY YOU'LL CHANGE,

AND YOU'LL SEE HER
FOR WHAT SHE'S WORTH.

UH, I GUESS MAYBE
SHE WANTED ME

TO TELL YOU THESE THINGS
SO THAT'S WHY SHE TELLS ME,

BUT I COULDN'T, MAN.
I'M NOBODY'S MOTHER.

PEOPLE JUST GOTTA
WORK SHIT OUT.

OR NOT.

I CAN'T TAKE IT
ANYMORE, MAN.

I DIDN'T
ERASE THOSE TAPES
LIKE I SAID.

YOU KNOW,
I WANTED TO TRADE THEM
TO YOU FOR MAUREEN

WHEN I BUILT UP
THE COURAGE.

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS BAD.
[CHUCKLES]

YOU KNOW,
BUT I WANT HER THAT BAD.

AND I-- I REALLY WANNA BE
FRIENDS WITH YOU, MAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF THAT'S A POSSIBILITY.

BUT HEY,
I'M JUST...

I'M PUTTING IT OUT THERE.

SIGNED,
YOUR FRIEND...

ZORN TAPPADAPO.

ZORN, MAN,
NEVER FORGET.

THE VAGINA
IS A CUL-DE-SAC.

RHYTHMIC KNOCKING
ON DOOR]

-HI!
-[WOMAN] HI!

-HERE, LET ME
GIVE YOU A HAND.
-[PANSY] OKAY.

ARE YOU KY?

-ME?
-MM-HMM.

NO. THAT'S KY.

TSK! KY. KY?

YOU ARE A NAUGHTY,
NAUGHTY BOY.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
WE WERE GONNA HAVE COMPANY.

[DOOR CLOSES]

UH, WELL, WE COULD LEAVE
IF YOU'D PREFER.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, HONEY.
I AM GONNA PUT ON A SHOW

WHETHER IT'S FOR ONE
OR ONE HUNDRED.

-IS THAT THE BATHROOM?
-YEAH.

OKAY.

WOULD YOU MIND
DOING THE HONORS FOR ME, HON?

YOU KNOW, PRIVATE,
FOR MY WEBSITE?

-[LAUGHS]
-[GIGGLES]

OH, HEY,
YOU DON'T WANT
TO FORGET THAT.

-ABSOLUTELY.
-HERE, LEMME...

-I'LL GET THE DOOR FOR YOU.
-ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

OKAY.

[CHUCKLES]

WHOO-OO-OO.

WHOO-OO.

NICE TATS, BROTHER.
[ZORN LAUGHING]

-HEY...!
-OH, YEAH!

[YELPS]

[MAGNUS]
SHICKA BOOM, SHICKA BOOM!

-WOW, YOU'RE REALLY COOL.
-HERE. TAKE A HIT.

[YELLING, WHOOPING]

[BABBLING, MOANING]

-[THE REG] POW!
-PSHEW. PSHEW.

-PSHEW!
-[LAUGHING]

[CHANTING, SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

AHEM!

LET'S GET
THIS PARTY STARTED.

THAT'S THE TRUTH
BEHIND "CASUAL ENCOUNTERS."

YOU GET
YOUR FUCK ON EASY

WITHOUT ANY MESSY
EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

IN A WAY,
IT'S THE PUREST FORM
OF CAPITALISM--

YOU KNOW, PUTTING SELLERS
IN FRONT OF BUYERS.

WHAT YOU DO AFTER THAT
IS UP TO YOU.

WE DON'T GUARANTEE
THE MERCHANDISE.

WE'RE JUST
THE FACILITATORS.

[THE REG'S VOICE]
YEP. WE'RE JUST FACILITATORS.

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

[WHIMPERS]

[KY GROANS, GRUNTS]

[KY]
MM-HMM, MM-HMM, MM-HMM...

[MOANING CONTINUES]

[KY]
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
MMM...!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

* IN THE MORNING

* WHEN I RAISE MY HEAD

* I BEGIN THE DAY
IN THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW *

* WITH A BIG BOWL

* OF THE CHRONICALLY GREEN

* I HIT THE BONG
AND I TURN ON *

* THE SONG
BY THE BEACH BOYS *

* I WAKE UP
TO THE BEACH BOYS *

* GOOD MORNING,
HOW ARE YOU? *

* IT'S SO GOOD
TO SEE YOU *

* LET'S COOK UP
SOME BACON *

* DELICIOUS

* I LOVE GETTING HIGH
IN THE MORNING *

* GETTING HIGH
IN THE MORNING *

* NOW THE FIRST HIGH

* IS ALWAYS THE BEST ONE

* IT'S A SHAME
YOU HAVE TO WAIT *

* UNTIL THE NIGHT

* IT'S A REFLEX

* IT'S AN EXTRA PRECAUTION

* THAT WE TAKE JUST IN CASE
WE CAN'T EAT *

* WE WAKE UP
LIKE THE ROCK STARS *

* WE ACT JUST LIKE
THE ROCK STARS *

* GOOD MORNING,
HOW ARE YOU? *

* IT'S SO GOOD
TO SEE YOU *

* LET'S COOK UP
SOME BACON *

* DELICIOUS

* I LOVE GETTING HIGH
IN THE MORNING *

* GETTING HIGH
IN THE MORNING *

* LOVE GETTING HIGH
IN THE MORNING *

* I LOVE GETTING HIGH
IN THE MORNING. *

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC ENDS]