Don't Throw That Knife (1951) - full transcript
The stooges become census takers and wind up in the apartment of a lady whose husband is both jealous and a knife thrower. When the husband arrives home, the boys try to hide, but are discovered, and after dodging some knives, leave on the run.
[♪]
[ALL HUMMING AND WHISTLING]
Hold it.
Right here's where we
start to take the census.
I'll question the first one so
you guys can get the hang of it,
then you'll take
the lower floors.
Hey, incidentally, you fellas
remember what you were taught?
Well, I...
Yeah, you...
He...
I see, you don't remember.
Well,
we'll have to rehearse.
Larry, you play
the part of the husband,
you play his wife.
Oh, no. I wouldn't
be his wife.
Why not?
You're not my type.
Ooh!
All right, come on.
Get in there and pretend
this is your house.
Come on.
Get a move on.
Get going in there.
[CHUCKLES]
Ooh!
SHEMP:
Come in.
Oh, pardon me, madam,
I was looking for
my two partners.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Good morning,
what is your name, please?
Shempetta Howard.
Well,
married or single?
Married. This is
my husband, the rat.
Cut it out.
Tell me, sir,
have you any children?
No children.
Where were you born,
madam?
In the hospital.
Hospital?
Yes, I wanted
to be near my mother.
Is this your
home state?
No, we're from
the South.
Yowser.
Hallelujah--
Um-- Uh-- Uh--
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, please.
What part
of the South?
Montreal, Canada.
Mighty pretty country
around there.
That's the home
of the wild gooses
and the mooses,
and the meeses--
And the mouses.
Come on, get going. Get out.
Hurry up, now,
and let's get going.
We got plenty of work
to do here.
SHEMP:
Oh, all right.
By the way,
where's our credentials?
In the safe.
Oh.
What safe?
In here.
Larry, open it.
[HUFFS]
[MUSIC BOX PLAYING]
April fool.
It's a musical powder box.
[LAUGHS]
What do you know,
a musical powder box.
[LAUGHING]
Well...
Musical powder. I'll get
the credentials myself.
[KAZOO WHEEZES]
Ah-- Ah-- Ah--
What is that?
I rigged that up myself.
Boy,
looks real natural.
And it's got
baby-blue eyes.
[CACKLES]
April fool.
[LAUGHING]
Here, hold that.
Thank you.
There's powder on it--
Oh! Oh!
Hey, leave him alone,
you--
Quiet. Come on,
we gotta get to work.
Clean him up,
clean him up.
That's it,
clean him up good.
Oh, oh.
There you are.
Now, which way
do we go?
Where is everybody?
Oh, here he is.
Hello. All right.
All right,
here's your book back.
All right.
I'm all set.
Here, here.
[SPITS]
All right, come on, get busy.
We gotta earn some money.
Money, ah,
money shrinks.
So do you
every time you
get near a bathtub.
Remember,
we're census takers,
not ordinary idiots.
That's right.
[KNOCKING]
How do you do?
I don't want any.
Wait a minute.
We're census takers.
[SOBBING]
Oh, what have I done
to deserve this?
[SOBBING]
Here you go, lady.
Ooh!
Very well.
Walk this way.
You must excuse my place.
We just moved in.
Sure.
[COUGHS]
MOE:
what is your name, please?
Wyckhoff.
Irritation in the throat.
[COUGHING, CLEARING THROAT]
Uh, as I said before,
your name, please.
[COUGHING]
Wyckhoff.
Because he don't
brush his teeth, lady.
Quiet.
[COUGHS]
Your name, please.
Wyckhoff.
Excuse him, lady,
he's got a frog in his throat
from eating
toadstools.
[LAUGHS]
Ouch! Ouch! Oh!
Let go of my ear.
You'll give me
earesephilis.
Then quit clowning.
Oh!
You asked me
my name.
It's Wyckhoff.
Lucy Wyckhoff.
Are you married?
Yes.
And I'm terribly upset
and frightened.
Why?
My husband's insanely jealous.
He almost
killed a man.
The man merely
spoke to me.
Adios.
Toodle-loo.
Goodbye.
We're gone.
Come back here.
We're not finished,
you cowards.
Ooh!
Now, get busy.
All right, what does
your husband do?
He's an expert
in legerdemain.
Lederdemain--
Oh, a bookkeeper.
No,
he's a prestidigitator.
Oh,
a pants presser?
Are you guys
ignorant?
Didn't you hear
the lady say?
He presses
refrigerators.
Oh.
Oh.
No, no, no.
We do an illusion act
in vaudeville.
He's a magician.
He makes things disappear.
I got an uncle who can
make things disappear.
Is he a magician?
No, he's a kleptomaniac.
[LAUGHS]
Oh!
[LOUD CRASH]
What's the matter with--?
[GASPS]
No.
Oh!
[BARKS]
MOE:
Ah-- Ah--
[SNICKERS]
Ooh!
Hey, Moe, Moe.
Look in there.
Okay.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS, GASPS]
[GASPS]
Oh!
Hey, Larry,
it can't be. Larry.
[CHEEPS]
[GASPS]
Moe!
Moe!
What's the matter?
I saw a freak in there.
He snapped at me.
Oh, he scared me.
You idiot,
you're looking at yourself.
How do you like that?
I always scare myself.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, come on.
Oh, I went to get
my hat.
What are you doing?
Come on, here.
Get something done
around here.
Oh, you fools,
you ruined my trick mirror.
That's part of my act.
We're sorry, lady.
Get on with your business
before I throw you
out of here.
Ah, nobody loves
a census taker.
Come on, we'll get this
over in a hurry.
Oh!
What happened here? Get up.
What's the matter?
Oh, I'm sorry,
that's a trick chair.
It's also part
of my act.
That chair's got
weak knuckles.
Now, the first
question will be--
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Uh, excuse me, please.
Did you get
anything?
No.
Neither did I.
Who--? Who is it?
MAN: Well, it's me.
Who were you expecting?
J-just a minute, dear.
You know, we're getting
no place fast.
It's my husband.
Hide in the bedroom,
quickly.
If he finds you here,
he'll kill all of us.
We'd better get
someplace, fast.
Hey, what's the idea?
I'm sorry, dear,
I had to shut off the oven.
Oh?
The window.
[ALL SCREAM]
Easy, kid, easy.
Come here.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[GASPS]
What was that?
Oh, it was just--
Just the wind.
Yeah? The wind don't walk,
and I heard footsteps.
Well, he won't
get out of here.
[WHIMPERS]
[SIGHS]
There.
You and your suspicions.
Oh, okay, okay. Say,
we'd better get a little shuteye
before we get
to the theater.
Remember, we got a couple extra
performances to do.
All right.
[SCREAMS]
Oh! Oh!
What's the matter?
I'm sick. Oh!
You're sick?
Yes. Must be something I ate.
What's the matter?
Get me
a hot water bottle.
Hot water bottle.
Hot water bottle.
I remember, I left it
here in the closet.
[SCREAMING]
No! No!
No, get me an aspirin
in the bathroom.
In the bathroom.
Okay, I'll get it for you.
[LUCY MOANING]
Shh!
[WHISPERING]
Now, listen, you gotta get out.
I'm coming, dear.
[WHISPERING]
Scram.
Ooh! Ooh!
Uh, here you are,
darling.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, boy, am I ever tired...
[PILL CLACKING]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
I feel fine now, dear,
thank you.
Ooh! Ooh, my knee.
Oh, oh, ooh,
my knee.
Oh!
Confound
that trick chair.
[MOANING]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I'll get rid
of that chair.
[GRUNTING]
There.
[BED SPRINGS SQUEAL]
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SNORING]
[WHISPERING] Hey.
[GASPS]
You fool.
If he finds you here,
he'll kill you.
If he finds me here,
I deserve to get killed.
Oh!
Tell him
I'm your aunt.
[SCOFFS]
[LOUD CRASH]
[SIGHS]
Oh, darling,
I'm sorry I suspected you,
but, well, you know how much
I love you.
Well, won't you tell me
you'll forgive me?
[IN WOMAN'S VOICE]
I forgive you, dear.
How about giving Daddy
a little kiss, huh?
Come on, honey,
give me a little kiss.
Ouch!
[IN WOMAN'S VOICE]
Ouch.
Darling, you're rough.
You hurt little me.
Hello.
Hello.
Ooh!
[GRUNTING]
She did have a man in here.
Ooh!
[SCREAMS]
Two men!
I'll kill them,
that's what I'll do.
I'll kill them.
Ah--! Ooh...
Three men!
[WHISPERING]
Wyckhoff is after us.
Give him
the works.
It's Larry.
Come on, come on, hey, hey,
come on, let's get out of here.
It's locked.
Quick, we'll hide
in the box.
[ALL GASP]
Shh!
[SCREAMS]
Ha!
[BOTH SCREAM]
Now, wait a minute.
Stop or I'll shoot.
I'll fill you
full of lead.
Okay,
you asked for it.
[POP]
Ah! Ah!
No.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
There were three of you.
Where's the third home wrecker?
So you won't talk, eh?
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Are you gonna talk?
Moe?
Ah, ah, ah.
Don't you dare.
Don't you dare
do anything
to endanger the lives
of others.
When you drive,
drive carefully.
Ah...
[SCREAMS]
Ooh! Ooh!
[WHIMPERING]
Throw him in the box.
Here.
We'll take him
to the police
and charge him
with attempted murder.
Hey, wait a minute,
this is pretty light.
[ALL WHIMPER]
Now I've got you.
Well, what have you
got to say?
Make mine fried.
[LOUD POPS]
Why, you! I'll--
Scram!
[♪]
[ALL HUMMING AND WHISTLING]
Hold it.
Right here's where we
start to take the census.
I'll question the first one so
you guys can get the hang of it,
then you'll take
the lower floors.
Hey, incidentally, you fellas
remember what you were taught?
Well, I...
Yeah, you...
He...
I see, you don't remember.
Well,
we'll have to rehearse.
Larry, you play
the part of the husband,
you play his wife.
Oh, no. I wouldn't
be his wife.
Why not?
You're not my type.
Ooh!
All right, come on.
Get in there and pretend
this is your house.
Come on.
Get a move on.
Get going in there.
[CHUCKLES]
Ooh!
SHEMP:
Come in.
Oh, pardon me, madam,
I was looking for
my two partners.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Good morning,
what is your name, please?
Shempetta Howard.
Well,
married or single?
Married. This is
my husband, the rat.
Cut it out.
Tell me, sir,
have you any children?
No children.
Where were you born,
madam?
In the hospital.
Hospital?
Yes, I wanted
to be near my mother.
Is this your
home state?
No, we're from
the South.
Yowser.
Hallelujah--
Um-- Uh-- Uh--
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, please.
What part
of the South?
Montreal, Canada.
Mighty pretty country
around there.
That's the home
of the wild gooses
and the mooses,
and the meeses--
And the mouses.
Come on, get going. Get out.
Hurry up, now,
and let's get going.
We got plenty of work
to do here.
SHEMP:
Oh, all right.
By the way,
where's our credentials?
In the safe.
Oh.
What safe?
In here.
Larry, open it.
[HUFFS]
[MUSIC BOX PLAYING]
April fool.
It's a musical powder box.
[LAUGHS]
What do you know,
a musical powder box.
[LAUGHING]
Well...
Musical powder. I'll get
the credentials myself.
[KAZOO WHEEZES]
Ah-- Ah-- Ah--
What is that?
I rigged that up myself.
Boy,
looks real natural.
And it's got
baby-blue eyes.
[CACKLES]
April fool.
[LAUGHING]
Here, hold that.
Thank you.
There's powder on it--
Oh! Oh!
Hey, leave him alone,
you--
Quiet. Come on,
we gotta get to work.
Clean him up,
clean him up.
That's it,
clean him up good.
Oh, oh.
There you are.
Now, which way
do we go?
Where is everybody?
Oh, here he is.
Hello. All right.
All right,
here's your book back.
All right.
I'm all set.
Here, here.
[SPITS]
All right, come on, get busy.
We gotta earn some money.
Money, ah,
money shrinks.
So do you
every time you
get near a bathtub.
Remember,
we're census takers,
not ordinary idiots.
That's right.
[KNOCKING]
How do you do?
I don't want any.
Wait a minute.
We're census takers.
[SOBBING]
Oh, what have I done
to deserve this?
[SOBBING]
Here you go, lady.
Ooh!
Very well.
Walk this way.
You must excuse my place.
We just moved in.
Sure.
[COUGHS]
MOE:
what is your name, please?
Wyckhoff.
Irritation in the throat.
[COUGHING, CLEARING THROAT]
Uh, as I said before,
your name, please.
[COUGHING]
Wyckhoff.
Because he don't
brush his teeth, lady.
Quiet.
[COUGHS]
Your name, please.
Wyckhoff.
Excuse him, lady,
he's got a frog in his throat
from eating
toadstools.
[LAUGHS]
Ouch! Ouch! Oh!
Let go of my ear.
You'll give me
earesephilis.
Then quit clowning.
Oh!
You asked me
my name.
It's Wyckhoff.
Lucy Wyckhoff.
Are you married?
Yes.
And I'm terribly upset
and frightened.
Why?
My husband's insanely jealous.
He almost
killed a man.
The man merely
spoke to me.
Adios.
Toodle-loo.
Goodbye.
We're gone.
Come back here.
We're not finished,
you cowards.
Ooh!
Now, get busy.
All right, what does
your husband do?
He's an expert
in legerdemain.
Lederdemain--
Oh, a bookkeeper.
No,
he's a prestidigitator.
Oh,
a pants presser?
Are you guys
ignorant?
Didn't you hear
the lady say?
He presses
refrigerators.
Oh.
Oh.
No, no, no.
We do an illusion act
in vaudeville.
He's a magician.
He makes things disappear.
I got an uncle who can
make things disappear.
Is he a magician?
No, he's a kleptomaniac.
[LAUGHS]
Oh!
[LOUD CRASH]
What's the matter with--?
[GASPS]
No.
Oh!
[BARKS]
MOE:
Ah-- Ah--
[SNICKERS]
Ooh!
Hey, Moe, Moe.
Look in there.
Okay.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS, GASPS]
[GASPS]
Oh!
Hey, Larry,
it can't be. Larry.
[CHEEPS]
[GASPS]
Moe!
Moe!
What's the matter?
I saw a freak in there.
He snapped at me.
Oh, he scared me.
You idiot,
you're looking at yourself.
How do you like that?
I always scare myself.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, come on.
Oh, I went to get
my hat.
What are you doing?
Come on, here.
Get something done
around here.
Oh, you fools,
you ruined my trick mirror.
That's part of my act.
We're sorry, lady.
Get on with your business
before I throw you
out of here.
Ah, nobody loves
a census taker.
Come on, we'll get this
over in a hurry.
Oh!
What happened here? Get up.
What's the matter?
Oh, I'm sorry,
that's a trick chair.
It's also part
of my act.
That chair's got
weak knuckles.
Now, the first
question will be--
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Uh, excuse me, please.
Did you get
anything?
No.
Neither did I.
Who--? Who is it?
MAN: Well, it's me.
Who were you expecting?
J-just a minute, dear.
You know, we're getting
no place fast.
It's my husband.
Hide in the bedroom,
quickly.
If he finds you here,
he'll kill all of us.
We'd better get
someplace, fast.
Hey, what's the idea?
I'm sorry, dear,
I had to shut off the oven.
Oh?
The window.
[ALL SCREAM]
Easy, kid, easy.
Come here.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[GASPS]
What was that?
Oh, it was just--
Just the wind.
Yeah? The wind don't walk,
and I heard footsteps.
Well, he won't
get out of here.
[WHIMPERS]
[SIGHS]
There.
You and your suspicions.
Oh, okay, okay. Say,
we'd better get a little shuteye
before we get
to the theater.
Remember, we got a couple extra
performances to do.
All right.
[SCREAMS]
Oh! Oh!
What's the matter?
I'm sick. Oh!
You're sick?
Yes. Must be something I ate.
What's the matter?
Get me
a hot water bottle.
Hot water bottle.
Hot water bottle.
I remember, I left it
here in the closet.
[SCREAMING]
No! No!
No, get me an aspirin
in the bathroom.
In the bathroom.
Okay, I'll get it for you.
[LUCY MOANING]
Shh!
[WHISPERING]
Now, listen, you gotta get out.
I'm coming, dear.
[WHISPERING]
Scram.
Ooh! Ooh!
Uh, here you are,
darling.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, boy, am I ever tired...
[PILL CLACKING]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
I feel fine now, dear,
thank you.
Ooh! Ooh, my knee.
Oh, oh, ooh,
my knee.
Oh!
Confound
that trick chair.
[MOANING]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I'll get rid
of that chair.
[GRUNTING]
There.
[BED SPRINGS SQUEAL]
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SNORING]
[WHISPERING] Hey.
[GASPS]
You fool.
If he finds you here,
he'll kill you.
If he finds me here,
I deserve to get killed.
Oh!
Tell him
I'm your aunt.
[SCOFFS]
[LOUD CRASH]
[SIGHS]
Oh, darling,
I'm sorry I suspected you,
but, well, you know how much
I love you.
Well, won't you tell me
you'll forgive me?
[IN WOMAN'S VOICE]
I forgive you, dear.
How about giving Daddy
a little kiss, huh?
Come on, honey,
give me a little kiss.
Ouch!
[IN WOMAN'S VOICE]
Ouch.
Darling, you're rough.
You hurt little me.
Hello.
Hello.
Ooh!
[GRUNTING]
She did have a man in here.
Ooh!
[SCREAMS]
Two men!
I'll kill them,
that's what I'll do.
I'll kill them.
Ah--! Ooh...
Three men!
[WHISPERING]
Wyckhoff is after us.
Give him
the works.
It's Larry.
Come on, come on, hey, hey,
come on, let's get out of here.
It's locked.
Quick, we'll hide
in the box.
[ALL GASP]
Shh!
[SCREAMS]
Ha!
[BOTH SCREAM]
Now, wait a minute.
Stop or I'll shoot.
I'll fill you
full of lead.
Okay,
you asked for it.
[POP]
Ah! Ah!
No.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
There were three of you.
Where's the third home wrecker?
So you won't talk, eh?
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Are you gonna talk?
Moe?
Ah, ah, ah.
Don't you dare.
Don't you dare
do anything
to endanger the lives
of others.
When you drive,
drive carefully.
Ah...
[SCREAMS]
Ooh! Ooh!
[WHIMPERING]
Throw him in the box.
Here.
We'll take him
to the police
and charge him
with attempted murder.
Hey, wait a minute,
this is pretty light.
[ALL WHIMPER]
Now I've got you.
Well, what have you
got to say?
Make mine fried.
[LOUD POPS]
Why, you! I'll--
Scram!
[♪]