Don't Raise the Bridge, Lower the River (1968) - full transcript

Hey, what's going on?

Stars.

Stars.

See? Stars.

Now beat it.
Next one.

Strike three!
You're out!

Time for George Lester
Enterprises. There you are.

George Lester,
what are you doing here?

* Don't raise the bridge,
Lower the river *

* Your sweet expressions
And your funny little ways *

* Have made me understand
The meaning of the phrase *



* Don't raise the bridge,
Lower the river *

* It means instead of rushing
fences like a fool *

* We'd do much better
If we only played it cool *

* We could be sniffing the air
Down in Rome *

* Hearing the bells ring out
Under St. Peter's dome *

* Why do I try pointing
the way to a star *

* When we get nearly as far
Staying at home? *

* Don't raise the bridge
Lower the river *

* Why write a book when
Just a word or two will do? *

* Don't raise the bridge *

* 'Cause there's
A river coming through *

* We could be tanning our
hides down in Spain *

* Why do we sit right here,
Driving ourselves insane *

* Why do I try
Flying you up to the sun *



* When we have twice as much
fun out in the rain? **

Not now, not now.

George! I want to go back to
London, where it's warm.

Ooh!

But Pamela,

the whale blubber's
very big this season.

Here, you lift
your head out.

You should have
worn a muffler.

There.
This will keep you--

Just relax.
That's right.

This will
keep you warm.

Mush!
Here we go.

Good dogs. Mush!

Little rascal.
That's it.

We'll be going in a second,
sweetheart.

All right, dogs, mush!
That's it!

Stop!

George!

Yes, Pamela?

I want to go back
to London,

where it's dry.

But sweetheart,

it's elephant
burial grounds.

Everyone's wearing
tusks this season.

All right, ha! Ha!

Move on!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

We appreciate it.

Thank you.

To three years
of happiness, my love,

and if I may,

I would like to propose
a toast to you.

George,

when are we
going back to London?

Ignore it.

Just to tell them no calls.

That's all, darling.

I'm just going to
tell them, no calls--

listen, you'll see--
and then we'll be alone.

Hello, this is
Mister Lester.

Will you hold all my calls?

Oh, he's on his way up now.
All right, thank you.

Oh, George,

not on our
anniversary...

He's been trying
to see me for months.

It'll take a couple
of minutes, really.

I'll get rid of him,
you'll hear.

There'll be a knock--

As quick as he came up, that's
how quick I'll get rid of him.

Just give me a couple
of seconds.

Mr. Kali,
come right in.

Is your headache
any better?

Nice to see you.
Mr. Homer told us about you.

Won't you come in?

Sit right down.
This is my wife.

Mr. Kali.

I'll get it.

Have some champagne.
Take mine.

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Sabbatini...

What did you say?

Mr. Homer's
check bounced?
That's impossible.

I was looking over the contracts
for the feather shipment

and there's a couple of clauses
I'm not happy about.

Oh, yes, it's
just marvelous,

and I guarantee you,

as soon as the
fall-out level drops,

this property will zoom.

George!

That does it!

Pamela, it's transistorized!
It's the newest in--

I've had enough!

Pam, hold on!

Pam! Will you--

Pamela!

Not now with the zebra!
Not now!

Take out these chickens!
Here, out!

Pamela!
Will you get--

Could you prevail
on Mr. Lester
to get on with it?

Mrs. Lester would
like to leave.

Mr. Lester,

is there something about
the divorce proceedings

you don't understand?

The divorce, I understand.

The proceedings, I understand.

It's what I've done
that I don't understand.

Mrs. Lester,
Mr. Lester says

that he understands
the divorce proceedings.

It's what he's done
that he doesn't understand.

Mrs. Lester heard
what Mr. Lester said,

and could you tell Mr. Lester
that Mrs. Lester says,

"Can we please
get on with it?"

A man meets a woman,

they fall in love,
they marry.

The man works
to give the woman

the best things in life,

and one day the woman
says to the man, "I'm leaving."

Just like that.

A man could faint from this.

Tell Mr. Lester
not to faint.

Tell Mr. Lester
it really isn't
so complicated.

Tell Mr. Lester
if he would once--
just once--

put himself in
Mrs. Lester's position,

being dragged all
over the world--

To think it would come to this.

Ugly. Ugly.

Being ignored,

neglected while he wastes time

on wild, improbable schemes.

It's the same old story.

Nobody loves a loser.

Ugly. Ugly.

Tell Mr. Lester
that a wife is entitled

to a certain amount
of permanence.

Mr. Lester,
Mrs. Lester--

Tell Mrs. Lester

that Mr. Lester
is fully aware
of his bad behavior,

and does Mrs. Lester
know that Mr. Lester

has lain awake
every night

since she's
walked out on him?

Tell her that.

Mrs. Lester,
Mr. Lester said--

What did you say?

Oh, tell Mr. Lester
to stop this nonsense.

You're a married man.

Yes.

Look,

a man finds an insight
into his true character,

and this lady
calls that "nonsense."

Mr. Hartford, what do they want?

Mrs. Lester?
Uh, Mr. Lester

would like you to know
that he knows

how miserable
he's made your life,

and he also knows
you're very unworthy--

he's very
unworthy of you.

It's too late, George.

I knew when I said--

Yeah.

Just one more thing, Mr. Lester.

The key to Mrs. Lester's house,
please.

Oh, yes.

Here you are.

Thank you.

You, uh, might as well
take the rabbit's foot.

It's going to be
a sticky business, I'm afraid.

Shall we go
up to London?

Please.

You go off on that trip,
my dear.

Stay away for awhile.

Divorce matters
take quite a time.

Thank you, Mr. Lester,
for your cooperation.

Can I give you a lift?

No, thank you, Mr. Hartford,
very much,

but it's at times like these

when a man must be alone
with his thoughts.

Thank you anyway.

I'll just take a walk
in the moors.

I don't know
what they want from us.

That's what
I always say to myself.

"What do they want from us?"

What do women want from men?

You knock your brains out
to make a living,

you stay up all night

trying to figure new ways
to make money,

and what do you get in return?

Pow, right in the kisser.

George, you're out.

It's this fluoride

they're dumping
in our drinking water.

I'm telling you,

a man is going to have
to take a position somewhere,

sometime, soon.

Well, I want to thank you anyhow
for your advice.

You make a lot of sense.

Pamela!

Pam!

She's not here.

Well, she's not here.

She wants permanence.

She wants permanence.

I'll give her--

I'll give her permanence.

I--

I know a number...

by heart...

Hello, Mr. Clive?

Oh, hello.
George Lester here.

I say, Mr. Clive,

will you be in your office
in the bank tomorrow?

Oh, nothing very important,

just a small matter of finance,
that's all.

I've been seriously considering
redecorating our home,

inside and out.

Well, now.

Ding how!

And nice to see you again.

Welcome to my humble
hot spot, Doc.

You know, that filling
that you, uh--

Chaucer is the name,
Geoffrey Chaucer.

Oh, yes,
how stupid of me.

I'm sorry about that.

We have your table
for you, Geoffrey, baby.

You too, Mrs. Chaucer.

You are a devil.

Ah, yes,
I certainly am.

Bruce, you have the table
for Mr. and Mrs. Chaucer, huh?

See that they get the best.

Go right in
and enjoy yourselves.

I'll send the bill
to your office, Mr. C.

Yes.

Everything going all right?

Great.

Wonderful, precious child.

May I have your attention,
please?

Would Mrs.--

I said to her, I said,

"Mrs. Kalbfus,
sign here," I said,

"and your late husband's
new electronic drill

"will cease
to be a blueprint

but will become
a reality,"

and she signed, Pamela.
She signed.

Yes, with these
blueprints here,

I'm going to revolutionize
the oil game,

but let us not
talk business, my turtle.

When will you give me
your answer?

When will you sign?

Oh, Dudley,
please don't rush me.

I'm still married,
you know.

One hour in
a divorce court,

and we can soon
see to that,

eh, my turtle dove?

Ah, Walter, over here.

My man, Walter.

Good trip, Mr. Heath?

First class, Walter,
first class.

Would you take Mrs. Lester's
bag, please, Walter?

We're dropping her off.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Walter.

Oh, I can't wait
to get back to my own home

and settle down.

Anything you want?
Don't hesitate to ask.

Good evening, hope you're
enjoying your dinner.

Isn't he beautiful?

Is everything all right here?

Oh, Captain, my captain,

bring me a magnum
of your finest grape.

Georgie, baby.

Willy, you ruined
my marriage.

Violence, violence
in the dining room.

Awfully bad
for business.

Besides,
you can search

the four corners
of the globe

without ever
finding anybody

more dedicated to you
than H. William Homer.

I did search
the four corners of the earth,

for the bad check
for a trainload of chutney.

Where did you disappear to,
Twinkle Toes?

Why, I'm so sorry.

Say hello
to Fern Averback.

Hello.

Where's my money?

Don't let's reminisce.

I say, what a lovely
location here.

What's it a front for?

I'm in business now.

And what are you stealing,
and from whom?

Tsk-tsk-tsk.
Indelicately put.

Well, then I'll
put it delicately.

When do I get my money?

Soon, soon.
I have new interests.

I have fingers in many pies.

I'm expanding,
and my organization has room

for a talented young man.

Forget it.

But I haven't even
discussed terms yet.

Terms? I'm still
oozing chutney.

Are you, uh,
are you quite sure

that you won't stay
at my place?

Just a skeleton staff,
you know,

but we can make do.

Uh, no,
but thank you, Dudley.

I've been away so long,

tonight I'd prefer
to stay at my own house.

Of course,

but you will be sure
to let me know at once

if there's anything
I can do, sweet nymph.

I'd hate to think of you

rattling about in that
big, empty house.

George, I hate to see
a man of your talents
slopping soy sauce.

It hurts,
in here, old boy.

Yes, I'm sure
it does, Willy.

Well, we are
naming this dish

in your honor,
you know.

It's called
"Tong Chow Loo."

Ha

Fink soup.

Look, George,

if you ever feel
like rejoining the major league,

this is where
you can get me.

Under what name?

Look, Willy, let me
tell you something.

When the bill comes,
don't sign it.

Cash, please.

I would hate
to see you

and the lovely lady
having to wash dishes.

I'll wash if you'll dry.

That's marvelous.

He is beautiful.

Pardon, mum, but is
this the place?

Oh, no, that's
not my house.

That's a hideous
looking place,

and Lord knows who thought
of putting it out here--

Stop!
Did I draw blood?

That's my house!

Of course it's your house,
darling.

I've been waiting for you.

My house?

This is my house?

It's a chop suey parlor!

How did you get
back in here?

How are you, darling?
You know, you were right.

It was right here,
right before my very eyes.

"Diamonds
in your own back yard."

Why don't you
sit down, honey?
It's your house.

Why don't you sit down
and make yourself comfortable?

I don't want to sit down,
I want--

Pamela, you look
absolutely marvelous.

I didn't even invite you
to have a drink.

A brandy...

I don't want a brandy.
I want my house back.

But you've got--
That coat, Pam...

Of all the coats
I've ever seen,
that's the greatest--

George, by what right

do you think you can do this
to my family home?

Every right.

Ooh!

Permanence, remember?

You're the one.
Permanence.

Aren't you the one that said
I was thoughtless?

That I was a bum?

You did,
and you were right,

but you're looking
at a new George.

A respected
Chinese discothequer.

CHINESE ACCENT:
Old leopard fool mate.

Change spots.

Welcome honorable mate.

Where did you
get the money,
old leopard?

The money?

Well, everyone has been
awfully cooperative,

and we can get a loan
at the bank.

You'll have to sign some papers,

but you don't
have to do it now.

You expect to mortgage my house?

Wine rice-- Rice wine
will be very good for you,

because after a trip,
I'm sure you're thirsty,

so a little wine--

I am not thirsty.

I'm furious.

I want my house back
the way it was.

You've got
your house, darling.

It's ours.
We're partners.

I held a table for you
opening night,

and every night
from this point on,

you can sit there
and listen to the ecstatic music

of the stereophonic
cash registers--

one pound, two tuppence,
three eightpence.

George!
How much do these bills come to?

Uh...
nothing big, darling.

Uh, 25,000 pounds.

George Lester!

They let you
spend 25,000 pounds

without my signature?

Did I tell you about the chef
I imported from Hong Kong?

He makes a moo goo gai pan
you wouldn't believe.

You lick your fingers.

Men go faint from it,
people die.

It's just fantastic,
and business has
been marvelous.

Everything is superb,
and I owe it all to you.

A toast to George The Permanent.

Ugh.

We don't communicate.

We never have
communicated.

I've always listened
to everything--

I leave you,
I go away,

he destroys my house,

and then he
blames it onto me.

That's the greatest tan
I've ever seen.

That's fantastic.
Are you all--

is it all over that way?
I mean, everywhere--

It's the same shade
as prison pallor, actually.

I don't follow you, dear.

That pale yellow
you're going to be

after 50 years
in Wormwood Scrubs.

Oh, Wormwood Scrubs,
that's a prison.

You don't visit there.
When you go,
it's over, you stay.

That's right, you stay,

because that's where your
creditors will put you

after I refuse
to sign the mortgage.

Oh!

Pamela, I was only
trying to prove

that I was not the man
that you walked out on.

I mean, you can't--
you can't really
condemn a man

for using
a little ingenuity.

I wanted you back,
and you were worth it.

I'm going to ring
my solicitor.

No, I'll call Scotland Yard.

No, wait a minute,
you're American.

You're an
international menace.

I'll ring Interpol.

Pamela...

Put the phone down.

You can do that
in the morning.

And what do you think
you're up to now?

Nothing, my love.

Just sit right down, won't you?

CHINESE ACCENT:
Husband would like
to have friendly chat

with long-lost wife.

This isn't going
to keep you

out of Wormwood Scrubs,
Doctor Fu Manchu.

It won't work.

It's a very cold prison.

Damp.

Damp...

And the cells are very small.

Dank.

Dank...

And by the time you come out,
you'll have a very long beard.

White.

No.

It's locked.

Go ahead.

Pamela!

Are you in there?

Yes, Dudley.

And I'm coming right out.

Are you all right,
my dear?

What was he up to?

Oh, nothing very new.

What have you done
to this woman's
private property?

None of your business,
and might I ask, who are you?

He's a friend of mine.
Dudley Heath.

He doesn't look
like anybody's friend to me.

George, watch it.

Well, that was rude,

and very ill-mannered.

I'm terribly sorry.

I apologize,
but I can be just
as civilized as you.

I would like to
invite you

to be my guests
this evening

for a midnight
Mandarin dinner.

Let me check
that for you.

Hands off.

What is it, hot?

They're Dudley's blueprints.

Oh, he's an architect.

They're for a high-speed
electronic drill.

Oh, he's a dentist.

I'm in oil.

Well, we don't need any.

The girls downstairs
throw off enough heat.

The man's a raving idiot.
Come along, my dear.

You obviously can't
spend the night
here in this... opium den.

Hold it.
Hold it one second!

May I remind you, sir--

that this lady, Mrs. Lester,

still happens to be married
to this man, Mr. Lester.

Only in the eyes
of the law.

Dudley, would you
drive me to a hotel?

Pamela,

will you listen here
for a minute, please?

Why don't you
stay here the night?

Use the main suite,
all the comforts of home.

Main size
double bed--

How dare you?

I'm the raving idiot,
remember?

Pamela... Out of the way,
if you don't mind.

Pamela, will you
listen, please?

I didn't mean it
with the dentist.

I've been ill...

Her own home,

and look what
you've done to it.

Would you like me
to call the police, my dear?

Oh, no, that won't
be necessary.

My husband, Mr. Lester,

has agreed to do
the right thing by me.

Before the divorce,

he's going to restore my house
to its original state.

Oh, Pamela!

Put it back the way it was,
angel,

and pay off all the bills.

25,000 pounds?

Mm-hm, every
single one of them.

Mrs. Lester, you're
not really serious

about going through
with this divorce,

not after everything
I've done for you.

After everything
you've done to me,

Mr. Lester.

Is anything wrong,
Mr. Lester?

You call me "George."

Good morning,
Bella Cars at your service--

Oh, hi, Fred.

Oh, it's you.

Well, I'm glad
you dropped by, Mr. Lester.

There's a small matter
of your account.

Well, if it's small,
leave it alone, it'll grow.

Fill it up, Fred, would you?

It's not small.

Fred, you seem to be
somewhat hostile.

I'm not hostile!
I'm depressed.

Depressed?

I see.

What have you got to be
depressed about, Fred?

Do you realize that you
are unduly depressed?

You know the people
that are depressed?

They are the people that haven't
got anything going for them.

Now will you listen to me?
Take a look.

Just take a look.

Do you realize
that you are

the sole distributor

for a Portuguese
sports car?

Portugal's answer
to the Volkswagen, you said.

Well, who asked Portugal?

Oh, Fred, that's defeatist talk.

I'm surprised at you.

Now how many times
do I have to tell you?

The world is divided
into two types.

There's the takers,
and there's the taken.

Fred, you're
going to be a taker.

You've got to say to yourself,
"I, Fred Davies, am..."

A taker!
Look at all these

unsold Bellas
you got me to buy.

Well, Fred, you can't
stand around sulking.

You've got to go out
and beat the drum.

I've got it.

You're still flying
to Lisbon every week?

All right, on your
next trip,

pick up 12 Portuguese
bossa nova records.

A freelance steward
on an unscheduled airliner

does not do the bossa nova.

Will you let me finish?

You get a jukebox,
you put it outside,

you attach
a loudspeaker to it.

You'll have the customers

dancing to the
native rhythm.

What customers?

Sell her.
Go on, sell.

I've already sold it.

Morning, Fred.

Oh, good morning.

I'm having a sort of
bother with this engine.

Oh.

Oh! Oh!

I think it's
the carburetor.

It's that little thing
that sticks.

Look, would you like a new car?

No! I'd rather

we went dancing tomorrow night.

Oh, no, no, no,

I'm, uh, I'm off to Lisbon
first thing tomorrow.

Oh, bad luck.

The girls and I are going
on an overnight hike

to Lower Dorten.

Oh, Lower Dorten,

very bad for my leg,
Lower Dorten.

I thought it was
your sinuses.

Oh, yes, very bad
for my sinuses as well.

Lower Dorten, huh?
Charming spot.

Oh, Mr. Lester,
you're just the man
I was looking for.

Have you given any
thought just lately

to British Womanhood?

Oh, considerably.

Especially one
British Womanhood.

No, no, no.

I refer to these future
mothers of Britannia,

innocent fledglings
who need your help.

These are innocent fledglings?

Who need your help.

Oh, I wouldn't dare.

We're going to hold our
annual Girl Guide raffle,

and the first prize will be--

An annual girl guide?

No, something much more useful.

Fred here has been good enough

to donate one of these

marvelous little
Portuguese sports cars,

the Bella.

And what's the second prize,
two Bellas?

Two Bellas?

No, I was just joking.
Okay, I'll take a ticket.

Oh, no, no, no.
We want to sell them
in your Hong Kong Gardens.

Please, think
of the goodwill,

and everyone in the town
will be so delighted.

If they lose.

No, I didn't
mean that at all.

Well, never let it be said
George Lester wasn't all heart.

It's okay.

Oh, I say,
jolly good show!

Girls, what do you say?

All right, okay...

Down, girls.
Let's not get carried away.

All right, back! Ha!

Two Bellas...
second prize.

Oh, I say, awfully good.

And that's the way I left it,
Mr. Hartford.

He'll have to restore my house,

and I will on no account
sign that mortgage.

Oh, certainly I realize
he's irresponsible.

Who'd know that better
than I would?

But I also see no reason

to aggravate myself about it
any longer.

I mean, I'm a mature woman who,
after three years of marriage,

has developed certain
self-defensive reflexes.
I mean--

And I love
those reflexes.

George, will you
get out of my room?

I love this hotel,
allowing every
Tom, Dick, and Harry

to barge in here
unannounced.

Tom, Dick, and Harry?
Pamela, I'm George.

Your George.

Look, this is
all yours, darling.

Last night's receipts.
247 pounds.

You wanted permanence?
You've got permanence.

George, you dropped money
all over my egg.

You're promoting me,
George,

just like
one of your schemes.

I am not promoting you, Pamela,
and it's not one of my schemes.

I have a steady job.
I'm working very hard.

I taste won ton soup--

CHINESE ACCENT:
"Won ton soup very good"--

and I feel egg rolls
for quality control--

CHINESE ACCENT:
"Ah, very good quality."

That's what you wanted,
isn't it, Pamela?

Well, what does that mean?

You don't need a wife, George.

Pamela, I have never

fooled around
with another woman.

Oh, I know that.

You couldn't find
the time for another woman.

All you need is a woman
to answer your phone,

and they've invented
a lady tape recorder for that.

Pamela, we've been
married three years--

Let me do that.

Three years,
and you don't even know me.

Three superb years.

Hey, what do I
take in my tea?

Huh?

What do I take in my tea?

Oh, milk.

Lemon.
Hmm, lemon.

How much sugar?

One
Three.

Yeah, one and two are three,
that's what I said.

Hmph! You see,
you don't know me.

What's the difference,
Pamela,

if I don't know what
you take in your tea?

But I do know what
you feel like

when I put my arms
around you,

and I do know what
makes you blush,

and I know where that
cute little mole is,

and I know what
your lips taste like.

I never complained
about that.

Then what is it?

That dumb

No, it isn't.

I saw it last night
in his shifty eyes.

Oh, he's much
too old for that.

It's disgusting.

Uh-uh.

Dudley's been
very helpful,

very understanding.

Ha! Very helpful and
very understanding.

Come on, Pamela.

Don't you answer that phone!
Hello?

Yes, who's that calling?

This is Mrs. Lester.

It's your bank manager,
Mr. Clive.

He wants to know
if I've signed
the mortgage yet.

Oh, uh...
I'll call you back.

A little ahead
of schedule, wasn't he?

Well, I told you not
to answer the phone.

Well, your timing
is a little bit off.

Too bad!

I'm not going to be cuckolded
into signing any mortgage!

Here!

Pamela, you're
not leaving.

You take yourself
and your permanence out!

Pamela, I'm going to have
to leave if this continues.

You are so right,
you'll have to leave...

and put my house
back the way it was!

Pamela!

You...

egg roll feeler!

And won ton taster.

Oh!

What do they want?

180,000?

Sure I'll buy them,

as long as I get
my percentage.

Willy?

33 and a third.

Well, make it a 33.

I don't want to be greedy.

By the way,
180,000 what?

Hey, Willy, where are you?

George!

Baby!

Electric trains,
electric typewriters...

Willy, what kind of
idiotic sneak-thieves
are you fencing for?

You are speaking to the new
official Purchasing Agent

for the government of Sumeria.

Uh, Willy, can we talk?

Dearest, do me a favor...

buzz off... and you.

Hello, angel.

George...

Baby!

Welcome home.

Willy, don't be so cocky.
I need money.

Well, it's
a small problem.

25,000 pounds in cash.

Now you really have a problem.

No, no, Willy,

you'd better say,
"We have a problem,"

because you're going
to have to help me.

Am I?

Yeah.

Remember Beirut?

Chutney?

Check, rubber, yours?

Remember?

25,000 pounds...

A most amusing sum.
Why so much?

Because I would like
to get my wife back,

keep the Hong Kong Gardens,
and not go to prison.

Well, I understand prison,
the Gardens,

but you never go into business
to get your wife back.

Willy, I'm not going
into a business

to get my wife back.

The truth of the matter

is that my wife
is about to remarry.

Now, when the minister
says to the congregation,

"Does anyone object
to this marriage?"

I know full well
they will never hear me object

from inside
a prison cell.

Right, but remember,

I go into partnership
with you under protest.

Well, let's examine the terrain.

Let's see now,

could you use 100,000 bales
of first

Cash.

Well, this telephone number
will put you in touch

with one fifth of a small
Central American country

that is ripe for revolution.

Cash.

Ah...

Well, here's
a Liberian freighter

that's available for sinking
in the Indian Ocean,

a complete insurance loss.

Cash.

Cash, Willy, cash.

Excuse me.

Tibetan champagne?

Cash.
Cash.

I like you.

What's all this?

Sumerian Purchasing
Commission?

This is the place.

Bring it in.
Carefully.

Steady, chaps,
this isn't the Grand Prix.

Put it over there.
That's the idea.

That'll do fine,
fine, fine.

Thank you
very much indeed.

I shan't forget you.
Oh, excuse me.

By jove, how lucky.
Superballs!

One for you,
and one for you.

Well, it might have
been hair nets...

Goodbye.
Thank you so much.

Well, what's this?

"One Excalibur
Dental Chair,

Plus Fittings."

All this for the rotten teeth
of Sumeria.

You know, a drill like that

could split your teeth
right down to your knees.

Oh, no offense intended.

What should we say,
5000 pounds?

No, 6000.
They'll never miss it.

Lovely stuff,
this oil, George.

It spurts
out of the Sumerian desert,

and showers me
with lovely, lovely cash.

George... George.
Huh?

I thought you wanted
to talk shop.

Oh. I'm thinking shop.

Nah. It's too wild.

What?

What, George?

Your brain is ticking
like Big Ben.

What's it all about,
Georgie?

Oh, I was just imagining
the tears of gratitude

coming from the old Sheikh's
bad eyes,

if you were to turn over
some blueprints to him.

Blueprints?
What a lovely word.
What blueprints?

From the attaché case
of that creep, Dudley Heath,

from Heath Petrol.

It's some kind of a high speed
electronic drill,

but no, it's too--

Of course
it isn't too...

Where are
these blueprints?

He carries them around
like they're the crown jewels.

Borrow them.

You can get those blueprints,
Georgie, boy.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I can get
into all kinds of trouble.

I don't know
what I came here for

in the first place.

You came here because
you need 25,000 pounds,

and I am going to help you
help me get them for us,

and thanks to those
very clever Japanese,

when you see the blueprints

you will be able
to capture that magic moment.

There is some
poetic justice to this idea.

Diddling Dudley
to get Pamela back.

Well, now,
you've got everything
you want, partner.

Oh, I do all the work,
and right away,
you're my partner?

Ah, but who's going to prize

50,000 pounds
out of the old Sheikh, eh?

50,000 pounds?

Oh, you're going to keep
the other 25,000 pounds.

Well, who's quibbling?

I mean, who needs
25,000 pounds, you or me?

You are a thief.

Oh, certainly,
but who needs the 25,000?

Now look, I'll meet you
next Thursday, 10:00,

at the Ritz Hotel
in Paris.

Oh, I'm going to jail,
and you're going to Paris.

Ah, but Georgie, it's business.

You see, the Sumerian ministers
want me to pop over to Paris

and buy a few gowns
for their wives.

You know.

Oh.

But if you don't
want to come,

just pop the negatives
in the mail.

Oh, no, I'll deliver them
personally.

Don't you trust the mails?

The mails, I trust.

It's you I'm worried about.

I've missed the ready wit.

Oh, I'm sure I'm going
to regret this day.

Take clear and
sharp pictures,

and always stand with the sun
over your shoulder.

How do you feel, Georgie,
working with me again?

Condemned.

Oh, dear.

One mini-camera
to George Lester... 100 pounds.

No, 150.

Ow!

...such a ridiculous situation
when you come to think of it.

Come in, my sweet.

I know that I
left my lighter

here somewhere.

Oh, this is just
the outer office, you know,

where I slave over
a hot secretary all day.

The lamp...

Come, come, come,
my sweet.

Come along in, my dove.

This is my little
inner sanctum.

Now I do know that
I left my lighter here
somewhere.

Oh, yes, here it is.

Don't go, my love.
I mean, after all...

Grrr...

It is, after all,
a celebration, isn't it?

Grrr!

...this beautiful gown
you're wearing.

Brandy? Whoo!

Courvoisier,
of course.

There we are,
my sweet.

Ooh!

Cool it.

You do like brandy,
don't you?

Mm-hm.

Have you seen
my prints over there?

Oh, they're beautiful.

The ladder, and...

Ow!

To you.

Oh, no.

The old Spanish way.

You're glorious.

Uh, Dudley...

No.

You do realize,
don't you,

that this could be
bigger than both of us?

What's happening?

It's water,
it's running.

There's a leak.
Where's it coming from?

Stop it!

Where's it coming from?

Rotten weather
we're having.

Each year
is the same thing.

I say...

Good night, Guv.

Oh!

CHINESE ACCENT: Hello, so sorry,
Mr. Lester not home now.

Oh, Miss Beatty.

Hello, how are you
and all your little Girl Guides?

Well, as a matter of fact,

that's just
what I'm ringing you about.

I mean, well, actually,
it's rather naughty of us,

especially after
you've been so helpful.

You see, the doctor's
just been in here,

and the whole of my troop's
in trouble.

All of them

Mm-hm, and I'm afraid
you've been exposed as well.

I did want to warn you.

The mumps?

Well--

Well, that's for children.

I'm an adult.

Adults--

Mumps...

Do be careful.

Now, then.

You great silly nits.

You see what
you've gone and done?

You're all worse
than Typhoid Mary.

ANNOUNCER:
This is the final call

for British European Airways
Flight 507 to Paris.

Will passengers please proceed

to the departure lounge
immediately?

Have all passports
and boarding passes ready.

Thank you.

Excuse me,
hold it, hold it.

Hello, Homer here.

George!

Georgie, baby, how are you?

You've got what?

I've got a
punctured eardrum.

What's with the phone?
Hello, Willy?

Willy, this is
no time for kibitzing.

Hang on, George.

Willy, I'm trying
to talk to you. Will you--

Hello?
Operator?

Willy!

George...

Willy...

George, how childish of you.

I mean, in this age
of wonder drugs,

how can a grown man get mumps?

Willy, will you
listen to me,
please, Willy!

Don't get excited.

H. William is on the bridge,
in control.

Now, look, I will send
for the merchandise.

How? Ah...

just relax, leave it to me.

I'm here.

Who?

Shh.

It's only me.

Who's me?

Fern Averback, lover.

How'd you get here?

Air France.

Oh, yeah?
You'd better stay away.

You'll catch the mumps.

I've had the mumps.

You're supposed to have
something for me.

I am?

Can I please have it?

Willy said
that you had--

Oh, no, no, you're supposed
to have something for me.

Of course.

No, not that.

The money.

What money, angel?

Look, miss,
I don't mean to be inhospitable,

but I think you should
get right back to Paris

and tell Willy I said,
"No tickee, no washee."

Do I have to go back right away?

Yes, you do.

Why?

Because one of my mumps
just exploded.

GEORGE:
...Miss Averback...

I don't know what
I prefer most,

the contents
or the wrappings.

Hello, Willy...

What's that, Georgie?

I said, did you really believe

I would fall
for that tired old bit

with your Miss Fern?

Now come on, Willy,
where's the money?

Where's the merchandise?

I got it.

You're lovely, my sweet.

I'm lovely?
I'm desperate!

Tell you what, Georgie-boy...

pop the merchandise in the mail.

Willy, I got a better idea.
Let's change hats.

You be Mohammed,
come to my mountain,
bring the check.

Impossible.
Look, my people

will have to inspect
the merchandise first,

so give us a look,

we'll okay it,
and send you the money.

How does that sound?

What a nightmare.

How does a thing like this
happen to me?

It seems to have
something to do

with winning
your wife back.

Look, just drop the merchandise
in the post

and go back to sleep.

No, thanks!

George?

I brought your car back.
It's all tuned up.

Not that you'll
be needing it
for the next few days, eh?

Thanks a lot.

Well, I'm off to Lisbon.

Fly well.

Fred!
What?

Uh, I just remembered,

did I ever tell you
about my great uncle

that lives in Paris?
A very, very sweet man.

Almost 80.
A little over-sexed,

but I guess everybody
needs a hobby.

Well, let me tell you
why I brought it up, Fred.

You see, it's his birthday,

and I thought possibly,
instead of flying to Lisbon,

you might go to Paris

and deliver
my present for him.

I'd go myself,

but I'm awfully mumpy.

Well, it's not
too contagious.

Oh, sure.
Oh, sure?

What does that mean?

Delivering presents
to your grand-uncle.

What's in it?

Pound notes you're
trying to smuggle in?

Out!

And that's a terrible
assumption, Fred.

It's just, uh, no,
it's Playboy magazine,

that's all it is,
for a dear, sweet,

dear, sweet, bed-ridden
old gentlemen, that's all,

and I thought
while you were there,

you might bring back
the gift he had for me.

I'm sorry,
British Regal Airlines

doesn't make trips
to Paris,

at least, not unless
we have a customer

who wants to go there.

We're flying to Lisbon
all this week.

Well, I certainly
wouldn't ask you

if you weren't
my friend, I say--

Fred, wait a minute!
Let me explain!

Fred, what about
Uncle Willy and the present?

Drop it in the mail.

Fly to Paris...

Take a present to his uncle...

Huh!

His uncle's an 80-year old
sex maniac.

Pictures tonight, Fred

Fly to Paris?
What a cheek.

Never heard anything like it.

What is that?

Well, the girls in my
troop recommended it.

They're terribly
contrite, poor dears.

It's right out
of the First Aid Manual.

Willow wort paste.
Now you come
back into bed...

Well, uh--

Remove your pajama top,

and smear this all
over your chest,

and then stand over
the central heating duct

and inhale.

Come on, my little beauty.

A little massage.
Yes, here we go.

Oh, that's marvelous.

Spot of trouble?

Oh, boy, mumps.

Perfect timing.

So we gave you
the mumps.

Is that any reason
for showing the white feather?

I mean, where would
Alec Guinness have ended up

if he'd shown your attitude
in Bridge on the River Kwai?

Anyway, you smear your chest
with this paste,

and you'll feel
much better tomorrow.

I say, you really
shouldn't leave
your upper set

lying around
on the carpet.

My upper set, that's terrific.

I say!

I say, a bit of a smash.

It's Fred Davies!
Fred, are you all right?

I think I broke my tooth.

Don't move!

I'm coming right down
to give you first aid.

You clod! Look at what you did
to my wife's wall.

Ruined!

Look, I'm supposed
to fly to Lisbon

the day after tomorrow.

Who wants a toothless steward?

Lisbon?

Lisbon!

Hang on, Fred.

First aid kit's
in the car.

Fred, I can't tell you
how terrible I feel.
Don't say a word.

To have a thing like this
happen to one of my chums,
it's just awful.

It hurts me
right here.

It hurts me
right here.

Fred, have you
ever had the mumps?

Yeah, I had mumps
when I was two.

Oh, good. You know,
this was completely my fault.

You admit it?

Well, you ran into
the wall, correct?

If the wall wasn't there
in the first place,

it wouldn't have happened.

I will not sleep a wink

until you get
what's coming to you.

And what's coming to me?

Well, I'm heavily
insured, Fred.

You'll get a brand new cycle,

brand new set of clothes,
and open your mouth.

Just what I thought.

You have to have
a new mouth put in.

Is that legal?

Luv, for the premiums I pay,

you and I are not going
to worry about technicalities.

Oh, come on, I'll take you home
for medical attention.

Excuse me just a moment.

Fred, tomorrow,
you're going to see my dentist.

You hit the jackpot.

What ever you do, don't say
a word to anybody, dig?

I dig.

Yeah, you take him
home for medication.

Just put yourself
in my hands.

Leave everything to me.
Oops. Oh, Fred...

Oh, Fred!

There.

A piping hot poultice,

that should do the trick!

The trick's already done...

I hope.

You sound sick, George.

Oh, nurse,

I'd like you to meet
the little woman.

I only came
to pick up an evening gown.

I have a date tonight.

Oh, tell me,
have you figured out yet

how to pay the bills?

Pamela,
don't come near me.

Don't come closer.

It's infectious. Mumps.

George, you blew it again.

I've had mumps.

Pamela!

Hello! Get me Dudley Heath's
office, please.

Yes, sir.

GERMAN ACCENT:
Hello?

Herr Heath in, please.

Just one moment,
and I'll put you through, sir.

Hello, Herr Heath.

Uh, this is
Dudley Heath speaking.

This is Krupp.

Uh, Krupp.

K-R-U-up, Krupp.

How do you do, Herr Krupp?

I will be in your London now
for 24 hours,

and I hear through
the underground, Herr Heath,

that you are working
on some special working papers,

diagrams, plans.

Uh, did you say plans?

It is equally important
that you and I get together

for a chit-chat.

A chat.

Chit-chat,
talking.

Chitting-chatting.

A chat, a chat!

Oh, uh, yes, yes.

Comprende, understand.

You will come
to my hotel tonight.

The Hilton, where else?
There's no boarding rooms.

But I have a dinner engagement.

Forget the dinner date.
Heath, Krupp is talking.

Same K-R-U-up.

You be there
when I give instructions.

No one ignores Krupp

when Krupp Krupps.

Now, I'll give you
the address. Got a pencil?

Yes, just a moment, please.

The room is 1420.
One, four, two, with a--

Look on the door.

Zwanzig, at 9:30.

If you're late, woo-hoo-hoo...

Auf Wiedersehen.

Right.

Hello

Get me Dr. Spink, right away.

Yes, sir.

Probe.

Probe.

Pick.

Pick.

Sponge.

Ooh!

I'll get it.

Ah-ha. Now we're beginning
to see daylight...

Hello?

As well as some nasty decay.

It's Mr. Lester,

from that Hong Kong
whatever-it-is.

You know, that new place
out in the country.

Yes, I have heard of it.
What's he want?

He wants you to drop by tomorrow
for tea at about 5:00,

as his guest.

Tell him I'll try.

He says it's
very important.

I'm busy.

He says you'd better make it.

All right, all right.

Now I really must concentrate
on this rot.

Hold still, will you?

Well, how do you do?
Herr Krupp?

Tinkering
with a man's occlusion?

I never would be party
to such chicanery.

Oh, come on, Spink,
knock off the
Dr. Kildare routine.

All I want you to do
is to take the inlays
from Weiner here,

insert them in
Fred Davies' mouth,

give him an injection
timed so that when
he arrives in Lisbon,

he's in pain,
he has to dash off
to another dentist,

and finished.

The finish
of my dental career.

Six Eyes, can you get
all the page one of the plans

on the top
of the inlay?

Who was it who did

your Lincoln's entire
Gettysburg Address
on a shirt stud?

Oh, yeah, that's right.
I'm sorry about that.

I forgot.

And you'll get the inlay

back to Spink's office,
tomorrow, p.m.

It's a squeeze,
but I'll manage.

Well, I can't.
It's too risky.

Oh, come on, Spink.
Or is it Chaucer again?

It wasn't too risky
when you chose
to work overtime,

I believe it was
May the 12th?

When you spent
the entire night here

in the Great Wall
of China Suite.

I'm sure that your wife
would be delighted to know

that you had a nurse
in constant attendance.

Swine.

An absolute
desperate swine.

You'll shape the inlay,
give it to Six Eyes here,

he'll engrave it,
get it back to you.

In goes page one into Fred's
mouth, off goes Fred.

Send me the bill.

And if anyone blabs,
I'm in the soup.

Who's going to blab?

Who would take my word

against that
of a reputable dentist?

Gentlemen.

George...

have you ever looked
at Stilton cheese

through my glasses?

Lisbon, George?

That's it.

Now, the plans will be arriving
the day after tomorrow,

by mouth.

It sounds as though
you said "by mouth."

Must be a lousy connection.
Operator!

I did say "by mouth."

Now, when they arrive,

I want you to send me a check,
certified,

and returned to me
by the same messenger.

How are they
going to be examined?

They'll be examined
while the messenger

is under sedation.

Now, here's what you have
to locate for me.

Why is the messenger
under sedation?

Because the plans
are on his teeth.

George, you've obviously taken
a turn for the worse.

Willy, please listen to me.
I want you to drop everything

and locate for me an expert
crooked Portuguese dentist.

Something is wrong
with the connection.

I could swear you said
"an expert crooked
Portuguese dentist."

Willy, will you please
pay attention?

When you've examined the teeth,

I want you
to take a picture of them,

and then stuff the check
in the man's hat.

All this
is making me very dizzy.

Willy,

just get busy,

and locate an expert
crooked Portuguese dentist.

Georgie,
I can get you an expert,

I can probably get you
a crooked Portuguese,

I'm sure I can get you
a dentist,

but an expert
crooked Portuguese dentist,

well, obviously they don't
grow on trees, Georgie, baby.

Neither does my merchandise,
baby.

This is going to cost, baby.

Why should this
be any different, baby?

The things that happen
when you try to do favors
for a friend...

Butcher.

There.

Done.

Time to get up, Davies.

Coming in for an
emergency landing.

Get your seatbelts on.

Upsy-daisy.

Where
You've been at my teeth.

That's what
we're here for.

Oh.

Now then, you're off
to Lisbon, right?

Yeah, 4:00 sharp, yes.

Now, should you get
a reaction of any kind,

I'll give you the name
of a dentist in Lisbon.

Miss B.,
where's that card?

But I'll only be there
overnight.

An ounce of prevention, eh?
There we are.

"Doctor Jerzy Pinto,

34 Calle Ruiz,
second floor rear,"

and he's a good man.

Well, I don't think

I'll need a dentist
in Lisbon, thank you.

Take the damned card.

My patients mean
a great deal to me,

and I shall see you
the day after tomorrow.

Yeah, well, thank you,
doctor and nurse.

Poor Manfred.

That injection should begin
to take effect

just as he's approaching Lisbon.

Shall I rub away
your headache for you?

Oh...

Mm...

No!

That's how I got into this
in the first place.

This is your captain speaking.

British Regal Airline

welcomes you
aboard their airplane.

Your cabin steward,
Fred Davies,

will be serving
refreshments shortly.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are approaching
Lisbon Airport.

Please fasten your safety belts

and extinguish
your cigarettes.

Due to the irregularity
in our cabin pressure,

the steward will pass out
cotton for your ears

to make the landing
less painful,

or you can blow your nose hard.

God bless.

Oy!

There.

Bella!

Ah-ha, I think I've
got you this time.

GERMAN ACCENT:
I don't think so at all,

my dear fellow,
because I go, uh...

eins, zwei, und drei.

That's pretty good.

You're not
a bad competitor.

Oh, thank you.

Let's have
a drink to it.

I think you're trying
to get me drunk.

A little for you...

Oh, bubbly.

A little for me,

and let's toast
to competition.

I'm talking to myself.
I'm losing my marbles.

Well, at least I'm winning.
Fritz, you want another game?

No, thank you.

Ooh, company.

I ask you,

what is this country coming to
when you can't trust anyone?

Who have you got in mind?

One of your guests

short-changed
one of my Girl Guides

on a raffle ticket.

Oh, is that all.

Oh, well, don't worry about it.

Bruce will reimburse you
out of petty cash.

Oh, how very decent of you.

That's nothing at all.
I was just thinking

about all of the
future mothers.

Thanks.

I, uh, I'm sorry,

I shouldn't have lost
my temper like that.

Usually I'm under control,

but lately I'm
a bundle of nerves.

Oh, are you.
I'm sorry.

Why don't you try
some medicinal champagne?

Oh, thanks.

Go right ahead.

Alcohol is a stimulant.

It's the greatest.

Mm, and I'm
in uniform.

Hey, easy.
That's not lemon squash.

I have some
peppermints with me.

Oh, good.

I ask you,

what is he up to
in Lisbon?

Uh, who?

Our friend Fred, that's who.

Oh, he went on business.

Uh, strictly business.

What sort
of business?

Oh, what sort
of business?

Uh, well, he, uh...

You tell me what
sort of business.

Drink right up, I'll tell you.

I ask you, innkeeper,
am I or am I not a female?

Oh, indubitably.

And under certain
circum-circum-circumstances,

would I or would I not
be found interesting,

even by such a twit
as Fred Davies?

You represent the future mothers
of Great Britain.

I represent the future mothers
of nobody.

I am on detention.

But you're in uniform.

Well, if it bothers you,
I shall remove it.

Oh, no!
Oh, no, don't do that.

Please...
Don't do that.

Oh, yes, I do recall--

George, are you
in there?

Pamela? No! No, I'm not.

Pamela, don't come in.
I'm having a relapse.

I came to see
how you were.

You were supposed
to be in bed.

Oh, he was--
he was just going there.

I brought you
some chicken soup
from the hotel.

To think I was stupid enough
to feel sorry for you.

Oh, well honey,
I know this looks--

You don't understand.

Here. Recuperate.

Honey, this isn't
what it looks like.

She brought me soup.
You want soup?

No, salad...

There you are, gentlemen.

"Kalbfus Electronic
High Speed Drill."

Well, there you are.

A slightly exotic mode
of delivery,

but you will
find your merchandise

in first class condition.

Have a look.

Superb, eh?

Ever see such detail?

Pinto, have your nurse

take a set of pictures
for these gentlemen,

and hurry it up.

He's coming out of the gas.

This is running
into overtime, amigo.

Look, you are paid by the hour,
not by the visit.

Just so you remember.
Understand?

Rosetta!

You called, doctor?

Si, cara.

I want you to take pictures
of this man's tooth.

Upper right bicuspid.

I dig, doctor.

Back to business,
back to business.

Right. The merchandise
has been delivered

in perfect condition.
Now, the payment.

Dollars?

What else?

Lovely.

Enough!

Enough?

What are you
talking about?

He's only
paid me half.

Exactly.

You friend has only brought us
half the plan.

Look here.

It says on this tooth,
"See page two."

Where is page two?

Where is page two?
That's the question.

Let's have a look. It must be
in here somewhere.

Where is page two?

Quietly.
You'll wake him up.

Hold that. It must be
in here somewhere.

There it is!
No, that's a cavity.

You have a look.
Carry on counting, Ali.

In the words of your country,
"C.O.D."

Look, cool it, Ali, baby.
We'll find page two.

And when you do, we pay.
Not until.

Take your meeting
into the next room!

The anesthetic
is wearing off.

Where's your telephone?
I want to call England...
collect.

That gap, I can
close that for you.

You close my gap,
and I'll open yours.

Rosetta... All right,
that's enough.

Give me the film,
I'll make the prints.

Keep the patient occupied.

I shall try, doctor.

Where am I?
Where am I?

Welcome to Lisbon,
brave birdman.

Brave birdman?

From now on,

let this be
your home away from home.

Page two?
I got it right
here in my hand.

Georgie, baby, what sort
of a game are you playing?

Willy, it's a little game
you taught me.

It's called "Protect Yourself
in the Clinches,"

and when my man
comes back

with a certified check
for page one,

you'll get page two.

Now remember,

a certified check
in my man's hat band.

And how am I supposed
to keep him here

while I get the check certified?

You'll think of something,
Willy, baby.

Keep in close touch.

Well, it's all right,
amigos.

Everything is under control.

Excuse me.

The patient is
getting restless, senor.

Sedate him.

Just one moment,
my little paella.

You can do me
a slight favor.

Oh, you have come
to the right person.

Patience, gentlemen.

The pyramids weren't
built in a day.

Two?

Three?

Georgie!

Georgie Lester!

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, Fred, you're back.

Come on up and have a drink.

Gladly, old boy. On me!

Good evening, good evening!

Oh, Fred!
Welcome home.

Hello, my dear.
You keeping well?

I'm on duty,
but I'll be off
tomorrow night.

Do you think
the two of us--

Ah-ah...
I'm sorry, I can't.

You see, I've got
to be off to Lisbon
first thing in the morning,

but keep up the good work.

You women are doing
a perfectly smashing job

here at home.

Oh, thanks very much.

You know, I don't know
what we'd do without you...

but I'm certainly going to try.

Whee!

Yes, the intrepid birdman
has returned,

and all I can say
is that travel can be
very broadening, baby.

Let me take that
for you, Fred.

Thank you.

Any trouble
with the old teeth?

No trouble at all.
How are you feeling?

Me? Oh, just fine,
just fine, thank you.

Uh, nice trip, Fred?

Oh, marvelous.
Those Portuguese...

They're so capable.

You know, they're
so friendly.

I can hardly wait
to get back there,

with all the ya-ta-ta
ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...

and the lights are low,
and it's all...

I take it you went
to the dentist?

Did I go to the dentist?
Look at this.

A jeweled dental
floss case.

Oh, that's lovely.
A souvenir from the dentist?

A souvenir from the nurse.

Oh, then they did
take good care of you?

Well, all I can say

is she can clean my teeth
any day of the week, baby.

Yahoo!

Oh, those legs...

I have an idea.
Go downstairs and relax,

have a drink
at the bar--

I'll go do to the bar--

And unwind a little.

I'll relax in the bar.

Sure, why not?
Go right ahead.

Thank you.

Any time, old chap.

Go right ahead
and unwind, Fred.

Unwind!

Hello, get me Mrs. Lester
at the hotel, please.

Fred!

Even with Willy's deductions,
you're a sight for sore eyes.

Hello.

Yes, I'm calling Mrs. Lester.

What? She's not there.

She's what?
She's gone away for the weekend?

Well, did she leave
a forwarding address?

Well, of course
this is important.

Uh, this is Doctor Gomberg,
the family oculist.

Yes. What is it?

Twin Pine Cottage,
in care of Dudley Heath, huh?

All right, thank you very much.

Daring Dudley, at it again, eh?

Dudley, no more champagne.

Just to top up
your glass, my pigeon.

Oh, I feel wonderful.

I feel as if I were
in a remote corner of the world,

cut off from everything.

Grr...

Dudley...

Oh, Pamela!

George!

Pamela...Oh...

first sickness,
now an injury.

George!

Pamela!

George!

Pamela!

What are you
doing here?

Oh, Pamela,
diseased as I am...

I had to come.

No you did not.

What is that, music?

Wine, two glasses?

Pamela Lester,
what's going on here?

Absolutely none
of your business
what's going on here,

and will you get up
off Dudley's couch?

George, you're embarrassing me.

Oh, Pamela Lester, shame.

How could you throw this
beautiful life of yours away

on a man that'll never
be good enough for you?

How do you know
what's good enough for me?

You don't know the
first thing about me.

Well, then, let me
learn, Pamela.

Teach me to see
how fast your nails grow.

I want to know your shoe size.

I want to know the distance
between your eyes.

Well, now,
here's our bubbly.

Ah-ha, Dudley bubbly.

What the devil is he doing here?

I got here on my
hands and knees.

I dragged myself
out of a sickbed,

and just in time,
it appears.

Dragged myself from a sickbed,
Pamela,

to show you this
certified check

for 11,447 pounds,

10 shillings
and fourpence.

George, how did you forge this?

George forge?

Oh, Pamela, how could you?

It's real. Bite it.

Oh, this is ironic.

A man lies at death's door,

with mumps, yet.

Mumps?

Are you contagious?

Contagious?

Contagious?

Intensely.

Get out of my house!

Leave me alone.
Stop it.

George, stop it!

This is not a joke!

All right, George, that's it!

It's the pain,
it's back.

Pamela, I'll
tell you what.

You take good care
of him, Pamela.

Go away! Get out of my house!

Pamela, I'm not going
to give you up.

Why won't you leave me alone?

Because I
love you, Pamela.

I love you,
and when he rejects you,

or rejects the
chicken soup,

you'll come knocking
at my door.

Oh, no, I won't.

Out!

And besides, it's my door!

Well, it's my chicken soup!

Pamela!

Communists...

Digby, what the blazes are you
trying to tell me?

Well, actually, sir,
I wasn't on the scene...

Never mind where
you were, man.
What went wrong?

Now you tell
Plans and Designs
that I want a full report.

Yes, sir.

Oh, excuse me.

Dudley, I've made you
some nice, hot chicken soup.

Chicken soup. Digby!

There are going to be

one or two heads
rolling over this,

and yours will be
one of them.

Go away!

What's happened?

Those idiots testing
the pilot model

of the Kalbfus drill...

It's defective.

Oh, come on now,
don't excite yourself.

They can always
correct it.

Wait till I
get my hands

on that old crow,
Mrs. Kalbfus.

How she wept
as she sold me

her husband's
crowning achievement.

200 pounds
she blubbered out of me.

You only paid that poor widow
200 pounds?

Yes, I shall probably
sue her for damages.

Operator, oper--
Pick that up.

Hurry. What? Operator,
get me my office.

I don't know,
look the number up!

What?
Oh, for goodness sake.

Heath Enterprises,
of course.

Pamela, would you mind
taking this slop
out of my lap?

It's seeping
into the sheets.

Heath Enterprises,
London!

May I come in?

Oh, Pamela,
of course.

Of course,
come right in.

It's your house.

You don't mind if I watch?

Mind? Of course not.
You can watch.

That's ridiculous.

That's not unlike...

Prince Albert objecting

to Queen Victoria
walking in...

That's a funny kind of thing,
"May I watch?"

Someone owns something,

and they ask someone,
"My I use it?"

That is funny.

You know, that's like someone
buying a car,

and they say, "I really don't
like to bother you,"

and they're talking
about something that they own,

that someone else is using.

George, how did you know
he'd reject my chicken soup?

Pamela, I'm a very busy man,
really.

I have an awful lot
of things to do, Pamela.

I really am terribly sorry.
I don't mean to be rude.

George, how did you know
he'd reject my chicken soup?

Honey, do you know that I could
spot a chicken soup rejecter

a mile away?

But that's not important.

The important thing
is that you're here,

and it's not every day
that a man gets his wife back,

and I say
we have a celebration.

I'll get us a drink.

George, I'm here.
I'm not back.

No drinking then.

George?

Where did you get
that 11,447 pounds,

10 shillings
and fourpence?

Oh... I earned it.

You earned it?

Well, yes, I earned it,

and you'll get
the rest tomorrow.

Was it one of your deals?

Oh, Pamela, how could you?

I did it to prove myself to you.

I don't believe you.

Pamela, I worked my fingers
to the bone.

I don't believe you.

Well, who needs
Wormwood Scrubs Prison?

Now I believe you.

I knew you would.

You know, I've had
more attention from you

since I left you
than in all the time
we've been married.

Get used to it,
my love.

That's the new George.

Calm yourselves,
gentlemen, calm--

Get me London, pronto.

Say, what?
There's a delay?

There's a delay.

Now, look, excuse me, gentlemen,
there is a delay.

There's no need for you to help
by moving into the other room.

Hello!

Do you speak Portuguese?

You know, doctor,

people should visit
their dentist more often.

Now the old George
kissed one way,

but the new George
kisses the same way.

George...

Oh, I was just dusting
the phone.

I cleaned the apartment.
I wouldn't answer it.

I mean, I wouldn't
take the call

under any conditions.

It could be Paul Getty
with a big deal,

and I wouldn't answer it.

See?

Help!

George!

Help, George!

Help!

Emir, baby,

call off your friend
with the cutlery,

and let's negotiate.

George!

You weren't going
to answer.

Uh, sweetheart,

it sounds like
someone's in distress.

You bet I'm in distress,
and so are you.

Now, I have
an urgent message for you.

Stop the delivery.

Is something wrong?
You bet there is.

That idiot with the tooth
has got to be stopped.

We're being hijacked.

That crooked Portuguese dentist

has got
a crookeder Portuguese nurse,

who is making copies

and peddling them
to customers of her own.

Uh, very interesting.

"Interesting,"
he says.

I am getting complaints
from our customers.

Pointed complaints, George.

I'm sure that you can take care
of the situation very nicely.

Oh, no.

You're not going to leave me
holding this bag.

Uh, well,
I'm very sorry,

but I'm busy with
my wife right now.

Listen, Georgie,

if you don't stop page two,

you won't be around
to enjoy your wife.

Are you suggesting--

I'm suggesting

that I am not the sort of man

who can keep his mouth shut
under torture.

How would you like your wife

to know how you
stole those plans?

How you got them here?

You'd better bring
page two personally.

I believe you do
have a point.

All right,
I'll take care of it. Bye.

There.

All right, Emir,
get a grip on yourself!

Burgundy?

Something for you?

Operator, would you get me
Wilham's Garage, please.

I'm just going to make
this one little
itty-bitty call--

It's not about business.
It's about my car, dear.

Hello. Wilham's Garage?

Is Fred Davies
there, please

Oh, he's not there.
He's at the dentist.

Oh, I see. All right,
thank you very much.

Honey, get me
Dr. Spink's office
right away, please.

Uh, it's not another call.
It's the same call.

He wasn't at the garage,
you heard, so...

Hello.

I'm looking for Fred Davies.

He might be in the chair.

No, I'm sorry.

He just left for the airport.

Hello, operator,

get me the London
Airport, please.

This is-- You heard that he's
not at the dentist.

I started at
the garage, dentist,

now, it's the same fellow,
but he's at the airport.

Hello, London Airport,
would you connect me

with British
Regal Airways, please?

I'm trying to locate
a Fred Davies

who's on his way
to Lisbon

There is no office
for British Regal Airways?

Well, what kind
of an airway has no office?

British Regal
is an airway

that doesn't have
an office.

I see, all right.
Thank you very much.

Here, that's it,
no more calls.

That's the end
of the calls, sweetheart.

I'm not going to call,
or take any calls,

but I do have to go
for a moment.

Where?

Uh, uh, just out.

I mean, I have to try
to stop a mouth

from leaving the country,

but why don't you relax,
take a nap, read something.

Order yourself some
egg foo yong or chow mein.

George!

Yes, I'm still here, Pamela.

British Regal Airlines,
Willy-baby,

Fred Davies, Lisbon,
Portugal...

George, do they have
anything to do

with 11,447 pounds,
10 shillings,
and fourpence?

Would I lie to you?

Yes, you would...
and you have.

This is your Captain speaking.

Our flight to Lisbon
will be non-stop...

we hope.

Our cruising altitude
will be somewhere between...

8,000 and, say, uh,
13,000 feet.

Enjoy your flight,
and God bless.

Hey!
Let me--

What is this?
Open the door!

Open this door.

I said, open-- Help!

Rosetta, I'm coming!

Hey, hey, mister,
mister, my baby!

My baby!

My baby...

Get going.
I'll tell you where.

Start following.
Follow, follow. Get him.

Follow them.

Ah-ha!

No, no!
Get away from me.

No, you can't
have it, no!

Get away from me,
you idiot man!

Wait till
the doctor--

Rosetta! I'll save you.

Get away from me.

No, no, it is my film.

Fred, what are you doing?

Fred, will you
cut it out?

No!

My film!

Oh, the clients!
You're just in time.

Well, here's what you
have been waiting for.

You got it
from the nurse?

Yeah, and it
wasn't easy.

I can't find Mr. Homer anywhere.

I mean, I can't see him around.

Give me
the second payment here,

and we can close the books.

Pay the gentleman.

Without delay.

Oh.

Well, don't get sore.

I mean, was it
something I said?

Surely we can talk--

Will you hold it
a minute?

Uh, did you want a shave
and a haircut?

The boys are here.

I didn't want--

Don't let them out!

Take a hold of it.

Hold it.

Look out!
You can hurt--

Excuse me.

Pamela!

George, what's with--

Where are you going,
you swine?

I'm going to save your life.

Come on!

No more appointments today,
gentlemen.

No more.

Fred, close the door!

Fred, close the door!

I've closed the door!

Fred! Fred!

Fred, what are you doing?

Pamela, where are you going?

George!

Where are you, George?

Around the corner,
around the corner!

George!

Let's get going.

Come on.

Not now! Not now!

Where are we going?

I wish I knew.

I told you, not now!

No, no, no!

Excuse me.

Georgie, baby,
come in out of the heat.

Hurry, let's get in here.

That's better.

Come sit over here.

You must be
absolutely exhausted.

When those ruffians outside

discovered that the nurse

was selling copies
of the negatives

to their rivals,
they got rather hurt.

Oh, I say, do let me
introduce myself.

H. William Homer,
at your service.

Would you care for an aperitif,
an espresso?

Thank you.
Now would you
mind telling me--

And four espressos, please.

Pamela, the hat.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Willy, all I can say is,

I never thought the sight of you
would be so welcome.

Now we're even for the check,
eh?

Yeah.

Got the negatives?

Yes, I have.
Here they are.

You do have the money.

Patience, dear boy,
patience.

Just a minute.
Those look like my teeth,

and if they are my teeth,

I'd like to know
why they're being passed around

like filthy postcards.

You're right,
whatever your name is.

You're entitled
to an explanation.

I'm entitled.

And if you're entitled,
then I'm entitled.

George, what's going on?

All right, shut up, both of you,
will you please?

Now, Willy,
let's settle up,

and get the show
on the road,

if you don't mind.

Payment number two,
old buddy.

Never let it be said

that H. William
copped out on a friend.

Hey, boss,
I lose them pretty good,

but by the way,
I am with them.

Hand everything to me,
please.

Hey, coffee.
Hey, coffee.

Oh, very nice.

A party.

Thank you very much.

Where did you dig him up?

He comes from Hertz.

Oh, really?

So how come he's
trying harder?

Hand everything
over, please.

Willy, will you
give him the negatives?

Certainly not. They're valuable.

Give him the money.

Give him my money?

Yeah.

You hired him,
you pay him off.

He'll kill us.

No he won't, Willy.

All he wants
is the negatives.

And the money.

Oh, forget it, Pedro.

I worked awfully hard
for that money.

I photographed those plans,

and I figured a way

to get it
into this clod's teeth...

and you are not
getting the money

that I need to restore
my wife's house.

I shall count
to three, senor.

Uno...

dos...

Pass the biscuits,
would you please?

Oh, certainly, senor.

Ah-ha!

How was that?

Good thinking, George.

All right,
we'll take care of him later.

All right, sweetheart,
here's the money...

for your house.

I thought I knew
your twisted mind,

but this is too much.

Well, wait a minute...

Pamela!

Everything
is all straight now.

We've got the money,

and everything is
still in there.

Show her, Fred.

I will not.

Who was it that got you
all new inlays?

You are incredible.

You pinch Dudley's plans,

you have them engraved
on that poor man's tooth,

flown to Lisbon,
photographed, sold...

Well, I will admit,
it did get a little complicated.

Oh, George!

If once, just once,

you could do something
in a simple, direct way.

Why must you always
lower the river,

instead of raising the bridge?

Anyway, Dudley's drill blew up
in the first test.

Oh, anyone can criticize,

but who else do you know

who could have carried out
this entire operation,

with the timing, the precision,

with the delicacy
of a fine Swiss watch,

and, I might add,

while lying on his back,
all covered with mumps?

I ask you,
what thanks do I get?

Whatever happened
to old

Anybody in the world
would applaud.

Applaud what I did,

but to my wife,
I am now...

and shall always remain...

just old George.

Bravo, senor, bravo.

All right, you,
stick them up.

You're going to
drive me to the airport.

If I don't get on my plane,
I'm going to lose my job.

You remember, Mr. Lester?

We takers are forced
to earn an honest living.

Huh? Come on.

I'm coming with you.

Pleasure, Mrs. Lester.

Hey, George, will you
do me a favor?

Anything.

Promise me you won't
leave your brain to science.

George...

Are you on
the Diner's Club?

Everyone, settle down
just a moment.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Now for the climax
of our annual Girl Guide raffle.

We will draw the ticket
for the first prize,

which is a beautiful
Portuguese Bella,

donated by our
public-spirited friend,

Mr. Fred Davies
of Wilham's Garage.

Mrs. Lester,
will you do the honors?

Of course.

Oopsy-daisy.

The winning number is 4762B.

Has anyone here got 4762B?

It's here! I--

Fred...

Fred!

Oh, Fred.

I say.

I say.

Would you--
would you care to dance?

Oh, Fred, I--
I'd rather sit this one
out on the terrace.

Would you?

You...

At your service, ma'am.

I come on a most
unpleasant errand.

May I come in?

I won't take up
much of your time.

Come in, Ali.

Don't be alarmed.
He's quite friendly.

Mrs. Lester,

across the great
chess board of life

pass many men,

some pawns, some knights,
very few kings.

such a man,

a man I am proud
to have called "friend,"

was George Lester.

George is a king?
He's a rook.

One of nature's noblemen.

How difficult it is

to be the bearer
of such sad news.

He's been arrested?

Worse.

He is in the hands
of angry Arabs.

Ali was there
when he was grabbed?

That's right.

Are they torturing him?

Daily.
Lovely. How?

Oh, you wouldn't want to hear,
Mrs. Lester.

Oh, but of course
I would. I'm his wife.

Did they stick bamboo
under his fingernails?

Oh, really, Mrs. Lester.

Your husband is
a very brave man.

He hasn't cracked once.

Eh, Ali?

Right.
Incredible. Incredible.

Tell Mrs. Lester
what he mumbled to you
through cracked lips.

He said, "Tell Pamela I did
everything for her...

and for permanence."

Oh, he did?

Really, you should be
ashamed of yourself,

coming in here
with this fake sheikh.

Here.

Now what?

I told you it wouldn't work.

Pamela,

I just had to see you,

because I'm mad for you,

and I don't want
to let you go.

I'm being honest
this time, don't you believe me?

Well, I'm still
going to divorce you.

You have no grounds.

I know.

George.

Georgie baby.

George.
George.

All zebras are white
with black stripes.

Now, this gentleman

can breed black zebras
with white stripes.

Now, all we need is
a little bank loan.

We'll make a fortune.

Forget it, Willy.
Forget it.

Willy, please,
forget it.

I haven't got
any collateral.

Use the house.

Use the house?
For collateral?

Pamela, oh, Pamela,
do I know my women?

Pamela,
that's why you're my wife.

That's why I love you.

Everything I
put you through--

the discotheque,
the Hong Kong Gardens,

and yet you
can stand here

and say,
"Use the house."

You are really big, Pamela.

Did you ever
have one of those days?