Don't Lose Your Head (1967) - full transcript

♪ Don't lose your head ♪

♪ Don't lose your head when
you can't pay your taxes ♪

♪ Don't lose your head when
they're grinding their axes ♪

♪ Try to be calm when your
head's on the block ♪

♪ You may be in for
a nasty shock ♪

♪ Don't lose your head,
get a hold of your wig ♪

♪ Smile when the grave-digger
starts out to dig ♪

♪ Don't lose your head,
you'll get by in the end ♪

♪ Don't lose your
head, my friend ♪

♪ Don't lose your head when
they're screaming for blood ♪

♪ Don't lose your head, or
your name will be mud ♪



♪ You're asking for trouble
if you've no head ♪

♪ Because, when you wake
up, you'll be dead ♪

♪ Don't lose your head when
the world's at its worst ♪

♪ Don't lose your head when
the bubble has burst ♪

♪ Don't lose your head,
you'll get by in the end ♪

♪ Don't lose your
head, my friend ♪

♪ The Marseillaise ♪

♪ Don't lose your
head, my friend ♪

Paris. 1789. The Great
Revolution has begun.

The hands of the masses
are smeared with the

blood of the poor
bleeding aristocracy.

The tumbrels run a regular
half-hour service

between the Bastille and the many
guillotines around the city.

The growing mounds of noble heads



are only matched by the growing
mounds of unused return tickets.

No one is spared. Madame La
Guillotine claims them all.

Dukes and duchesses. Lords
and ladies. Men and women...

of both sexes.

A dozen times an hour.

The drums roll. The blade falls.

And the heads roll.

Yes, every five minutes,
a freshly sliced loaf.

And there. As always.
Grimly watching

the results of his
evil machinations,

keeping a watchful eye
out for queue-jumpers.

Stands the most dreaded
man in all France.

Robespierre's Chief of Secret
Police, Citizen Camembert.

Eurgh.

And beside him, as always, keeping
count of the grim harvest,

his number-one assistant,
the toadying Citizen Bidet.

I said heads, not
tails. The wretched

aristo's the wrong way round.

That Malabonce doesn't
know his head...

Never mind all that.
He'll have to Aller.

He'll have to go.

And the next one, please.

- What a carve-up.
- Disgusting.

What, sir?

That last one had terrible scurf.

Sterilise the blade.

- You can't be too careful.
- Oh, I agree, Citizen.

- Sir.
- Sorry. Citizen, sir.

That's better. What's
the tally for today?

Er... 26 head of aristo.

Ooh, that's very good.

Carry on chopping.

♪ Rule Britannia ♪

Meanwhile. Just across
the Channel. Far

removed from the awful
scene of carnage.

The cosy little homes of England

ring with merry,
carefree laughter,

and satisfied
after-dinner belches.

As the aristocracy,
oblivious of the horrors

facing their
counterparts in France,

continue with their normal and
fashionable country pursuits.

Hunting.

And, of course, shooting.

Not to mention the most
pleasurable of them all.

Fishing.

No one indulged in these pleasures
more diligently and energetically

than two of society's
most distinguished

and fashionable layabouts,

the powdered, bewigged,
beribboned, sir Rodney Ffing,

with two Fs,

and his inseparable
companion. Lord Darcy Pue.

- Good day, gentlemen.
- Good day? I suppose so.

It's all a monstrous bore.
What say you, Darcy, my dear?

- Definitely the same old round.
- Same old people.

- Same old girls.
- Same old tea parties.

- Same old concerts.
- Same old balls.

Henri, we regret to inform you,
we're bored with our appearances.

Exceeding bored.

This wig you gave me
is absolutely common.

Definitely below your
usual standard, Henri.

Please forgive me, but
I'm so upset by the

news I've received from
my beloved France.

- Your beloved who?
- France, my country.

Oh, I thought he meant a
person. A chap, a girl.

News? What news?

Why, the Revolution.

Revolution? What
does he mean, Darcy?

Some new form of vice, I imagine.
You know what they're like.

Oh, yes. Another bore.

No. Haven't you heard,
gentlemen? All the

French aristocracy are
losing their heads.

But that isn't news.

- By the guillotine.
- Oh.

Executed.

Oh. For what reason?

For no reason, except that
they are lords and ladies.

Ladies too? I say,
that isn't cricket.

Damnable waste, to boot.

It's madness, absolute madness.

And no one is lifting a finger
to help them. No one at all.

Please excuse me, sir Rodney.

I am so overcome.

Stab me sideways. Did you
hear that, Darcy, my dear?

They're chopping their heads off.

With no one lifting a
finger to help them.

- Disgraceful.
- Damned.

I say, Darcy, my dear. Do you
think that you and I might...

- lift a finger?
- Or two.

I say, that would be a good idea.

Wouldn't it just?

Darcy... to Paris.

And so started the rescue
operation that was

to utterly bewitch.
Bewilder and bedevil

Citizens Camembert and
Bidet. An operation

in which, sir Rodney
and Lord Darcy.

By means of a series of audacious
ruses and artful disguises,

snatched the victims
from the very steps

of Madame La Guillotine.

He always leaves one of
these behind, Camembert?

Yes, Citizen Robespierre.

Well, what is it? What's
it supposed to be?

From inquiries I've
made, I gather it's a

sign used in England
to convey contempt.

England?

Yes. Many of them have it on their

coats of arms. Two
digits, rampant.

Then what you're trying to say is

that this... What
did you call him?

The Black Fingernail, for want of
a better name. One nail is black.

Yes, yes, yes. Is he one of
the British aristocracy?

Oh, undoubtedly.

I spit on them.

So do I.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

He must be stopped, Camembert.

Don't worry, Citizen.
I'll get him next time.

Well, you'd better.

The Duc de Pommfrit goes to
the guillotine tomorrow,

as a prominent leader
of the Royalists.

I said "Royalists," Camembert.

Oh, yes, of course.

That's better. Now,
as I was saying,

if the Duc de Pommfrit should
escape, it would be disastrous.

Don't worry, Citizen.
I'll have the guillotine

inspected and put extra
soldiers on duty.

By this time tomorrow, the Duc of
Pommfrit will have had his chips.

Whoa. Here we are, then, Citizens.

This is it. Working models of the
guillotine. Only five francs each.

Complete with six aristos,
with fully detachable heads.

Ha-ha. Take one home
to the kids tonight.

Play with it yourself and watch
it fall off in your hands.

Right. Here we are. Five francs.

- Good old Darcy.
- That's right. Lovely.

Come on, Bidet. Come
on. Let's get started.

Certainly, Citizen, sir.
Le Duc de Pommfrit.

Le Duc de Pommfrit.

Le Duc de Pommfrit.
Le Duc de Pommfrit.

That's him. Get ready.

Well, don't just stand
there, man. Go and get him.

Yes, all right.

Clear the way. Clear the
way there. Get out of it.

Pommfrit.

Pommfrit, we're waiting for you.

Oh, hello.

I shan't be long. I'm
on the last chapter.

This is good, you know.

Put that book down.

Oh, I couldn't possibly do that.

This is the latest
Marquis de Sade.

Oh.

Come on.

Take your filthy hands
off me, peasant.

Peasant, am I? Let me tell you
that my blood's as good as yours.

Nonsense. Everyone knows your
father was a basket-maker.

Aha. That's where
you're wrong, see?

Nobody knows who my father
was. Not even my mother.

You'll laugh on the other side of

your face when your
head comes off.

Thank you. I'm quite capable
of making my own way.

Your Grace, there's an
urgent letter for you.

Drop it in the basket.
I'll read it later.

Short back and sides. Not
too much off the top.

One has to admire his courage.

These aristos are all the
same. Anything for a giggle.

Hold it. The Duc de Pommfrit?

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry to bother you
at a time like this.

Quite all right. It
happens to all of us.

- A pinch?
- Thank you, no.

I represent Lloyd's of London.

Could I interest you
in life insurance?

No. Not today.

It's a very good policy. It covers

accidental death by
drowning, shooting,

stabbing, poisoning, hanging...

Beheading?

No. We can't take too many risks.

What's going on here?
You, sir, how dare you

obstruct the course of
justice in this way.

All right. I'm only
trying to make a living.

A living?

- Are you fully covered?
- I hope so.

Come on. Get off. Come on. Go. Go.

Terribly sorry to keep
you waiting, Your Grace.

That's all very well, but it would

never have happened
under a monarchy.

There's no need to make a
political issue out of it.

Carry on, Malabonce.

Now what's the matter?

I dunno. It worked all
right this morning.

Excuse me, but isn't the rope
caught up at the top there?

No, it isn't, and mind
your own business.

I was only trying to help.

We're quite capable of
managing, thank you.

Well, I wish you'd
hurry up. I'm getting

a shocking pain in
the neck down here.

I assure you, my dear Duke,
that once we get this working,

you'll be the first
to know about it.

Excuse me. I think I can see
what the trouble is here.

- What do you know about it?
- Plenty. Take that blade up.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but could you step out?

Oh, really. Just as I was
getting comfortable.

Aha.

I thought so. Who made this thing?

I did.

I approved the design, of course.

Well, you didn't do
a very good job.

One of these runners has a kink.

Yes. You have got a kinky runner.

I ain't got a kinky runner.

See for yourself.

I don't see no kink.

Oh, it's there, all
right. It'll never work.

Of course it will.
Won't it, Malabonce?

Of course. Course.

- Do you want a bet?
- Yes. 100 francs.

- You're on.
- Right.

We'll show him, won't
we, Malabonce?

Yeah, yeah. We'll show him.

Mon Dieu.

Dear, oh, dear. I
owe you 100 francs.

What have I done? Is there
a doctor in the house?

You have no right to
get up... Guards.

Guards. Protect my
person. Get 'em off.

I'm a faithful servant
of the Republic.

You have no right.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

Get 'em off. Down. Down.

Help. Help. Guards. Guards.

Protect my person.

Guards. Guards.

You have no right.

I'm Camembert. I'm the big cheese.

Get off.

I'm a member of the Government.
You have no right.

It's all the fault of
that insurance salesman.

Where is he? Where's he gone?
I'll have his head for this.

He's gone. So has the
Duc de Pommfrit.

What? Aargh.

- What is it, Citizen, sir?
- The Black Fingernail.

It seems that the English
have struck again.

Yes, Citizen Robespierre,
but then, they say it's

the one thing the English
are good at, striking.

- I'm not amused.
- Neither am I.

So, Citizen Head of
Secret Police Camembert,

the so-called Black Fingernail
has fooled you again.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, Citizen.

- Oh, you wouldn't?
- No.

This is his calling
card. It was found

on the guillotine this afternoon.

Yes, that's true,
but he didn't fool

me. Oh, no, not for one minute.

He didn't? Perhaps I've
got the story wrong.

He posed as an insurance
salesman. Correct?

Yes.

- He abducted the Duc de Pommfrit?
- Yes.

And tricked you into
executing Malabonce?

Yes.

And he didn't fool
you for one minute?

I knew who he was. I wanted
to see how far he would go.

Mon blooming Dieu.

He couldn't have gone very
much further, could he?

I don't know. We've still
got the guillotine.

Now, listen, Camembert.

I want this Fingernail caught.
Do you understand me?

Yes, Citizen, but the
trouble is, I don't

know what he looks
like. Nobody does.

Then find out, or nobody will
know what you look like.

Oh, everyone always recognises me.

Without a head?

Now, get out of
here, and find him.

Yes, Citizen. I'll do my
best, but it won't be easy.

The Fingernail is a master of
disguise. He could be anyone.

Get out.

Get out.

Come, now, girl. Admit it. You're
a cursed aristo, aren't you?

Come, come. We secret police
have ways of making people talk.

Shall we use the thumbscrews?

Not till Citizen
Camembert gets here.

If there's screwing to
be done, he'll do it.

He's screwed up the
Revolution already.

Ah, Bidet.

All roads and other exits out
of the city are guarded?

Oh, yes, definitely,
sir. This woman here...

- Bridges are securely held?
- I haven't asked her, sir.

I said bridges, not britches.

Oh, yes. Yes, sir.

Good. This accursed Fingernail
must be caught this time.

If only we knew what
he looked like.

Don't worry. I've given orders
to hold anyone disguised...

as anyone.

That'll be a lot
of help, won't it?

Who's this woman?
What's she doing here?

I was about to tell you, Citizen,
sir. She was out after curfew.

Well, nothing wrong with a bit
of after-curfew, my dear?

But you shouldn't be
out late, you know.

You're a naughty girl, aren't you?

Yes.

And I bet you've done
it before, haven't you?

Oh, yes.

Well, I don't think we need detain

you any longer. You
can go home now.

Thank you. You're very kind.

Just a moment.

You'd better let me
have your address.

I'll be along later
to erm... check up.

Thank you.

Nice little... citizen thing?

You're not letting her go, sir?

Of course I'm letting
her go, Bidet.

I think you're making
a great mistake.

You should get the chance to make
such a mistake, Citizen Bidet.

But she's probably an aristo.

Have you ever known a
lady who needed a shave?

- A shave, sir?
- Yes.

When she kissed me just now, I
distinctly felt her stubble.

Really?

And not only that. She
positively reeked of tobacco.

Well, perhaps you're
right, Citizen, sir.

Of course I'm right,
Citizen Bidet. Aha-ha.

Make a note of these things, and
we'll make a policeman of you yet.

Well, I must be off now.
Business, you know.

Let me know immediately
of any developments.

Yes, Citizen, sir.
Where will you be?

At this address... Aaargh.

What is it?

It was him. The Black Fingernail.

Really? Aaargh.

No wonder she reeked of tobacco.

He kissed me.

Don't worry, Citizen, sir. It
was a marvellous disguise.

It would have fooled me.

He did fool you, didn't he?

What?

You had him here, and you
let him go, didn't you?

- I did, Citizen, sir?
- Yes, you did, Citizen nit.

Ooh.

Oh, you great whey face, you. You.

Oh. I've just remembered...

what I was about to
try and do with him.

- He can't have got very far.
- No, and neither could I.

I mean out of the
city. If we're quick,

perhaps we can catch her... him.

Yes, that's right.
Yes, he'll make for

Calais, if he can get
past the roadblocks.

Coachman.

- Coachman.
- Did you call, Citizen?

Yes. Prepare my coach. We
leave at once for Calais.

Right, Citizen.

To Calais, as quick as you can.

Wait for me. You
stupid great fool.

Pick your hat up.
You're supposed to make

way for a superior
citizen, you know.

Go to Calais.

Halt. Who goes there?

Citizen Camembert.

Listen. Has anyone passed
out within the hour?

Only the sergeant. He's
sleeping it off now.

I'm looking for a woman.

Oh, nothing doing out here, chum.
You want to try Montmartre.

I don't mean that.

Oh, how I loathe these peasants.
Give me the aristocracy any time.

Has anyone passed through
here this evening?

No, not as far as I know, Citizen.

Well, you keep a sharp
lookout. Mind my hat.

Keep a lookout for an Englishman,
a woman and the Duc de Pommfrit,

probably all disguised.

- What as?
- Well, how should I know?

There'd be no point in the
disguise if I knew what it was.

Oh, open the barrier.

Coachman. Calais, with all speed.

With pleasure, Citizen.

- Aaargh.
- I'm sorry.

Fool.

Wait here, Coachman. The
rest of you, follow me.

Sorry, Citizens. You're too late.
I've already called temps.

Kerb your insolent tongue, wench.

You're talking to
Citizen Camembert,

head of the Secret Police
of the glorious Republic.

Long live equality. Long
live fraternity. Cheers...

Oh, shut up. I wish you wouldn't
keep viving all over the place.

Now, listen to me,
woman. Have you had

any men in here
disguised as women?

I should say not. What sort of
place do you think this is?

We are looking for a
man who's trying to

flee the country
disguised as a woman.

Well, there's nobody here except
me, and I'm just going off.

- She's gone off, if you ask me.
- She's gone off...

Wait. She could be him.
She's got the right build.

Leave it to me, Citizen, sir.

All right, woman.

- Give us a kiss.
- Oh. Aargh.

Stop messing about.

- Well?
- No beard.

Come along, then. We'll try
the harbour. Come along.

And let that be a
lesson to you, woman.

Oi, blackhead.

Look. The horse has gone.

The Black Fingernail.

I don't believe it. The
horse? He couldn't have been.

Duc? Come on, Duc. Come on.

- Search everywhere.
- Here they come.

- They can't be far away.
- We'll never get to the boat now.

Don't worry about it. Just
give me your hat and coat.

Quick.

Hello.

A thousand francs
for the first man

who takes the Fingernail alive.

A thousand francs? Ho-ho.

I don't know where
he's getting it from.

I'll keep them busy.
Meet you at the boat.

Yoo-hoo.

- It's me.
- 'Tis he.

- After he.
- After who?

- After him.
- After you.

Yoo-hoo.

Can't catch me.

Bolt the doors. He's
in here somewhere.

Zounds. 'Tis a woman.
And what a cracker.

What means this
intrusion, Monsieur?

How handsome he is. And
every inch a gentleman.

I mean you no harm.

Opportunity would be a fine thing.

Please... leave at once.

If he does, I shall surely
swoon with disappointment.

Alas, I cannot.

Just look how that
pretty bosom heaves.

Pray, why not?

Oh, why does my pretty
bosom heave so?

The Secret Police are after me.

What's this pounding in my ear
holes? Could I be in love?

The Secret Police? But why?

Oh, my fluttering heart.
Can it be I love him?

They seek me because... I
am the Black Fingernail.

The Black Fingernail?

My hero in person.

I must love her, or I
wouldn't have told her that.

I, and all France, are
in your debt, Monsieur.

I salute you.

Now, that's what I call a salute.

I would do anything for you.

Your wish is my command, and
your desire is my desire.

Really?

Methinks, if I play
my cards right,

I might be onto a good thing.

Open, in the name of
Citizen Camembert

and the glorious new
French Republic.

Long live equality, live
fraternity, live...

Oh, shut up. Open up. We
wish to search the room.

One moment.

You must flee.

Open up in there.

Go quickly, my dearest love.

I will return. Here.

Take this, as a token
of my undying love.

What a beautiful locket.

My mother's. It contains
her last set of teeth.

Thank you. I will think of
you every time I clean them.

Open. Open.

Oh, go, man, go.

Till we meet again.

Ooh. Go on. Giddup.

Go on. Go on.

Oh. I'll have another go.

- Show your authority. Man.
- I can't.

- Show your authority.
- My trousers...

Bidet. I warn you...

Open. Open.

Stand aside, sir. I'll
open it this time.

There he is. Seize him.

So, the accursed Fingernail
is in our hands at last.

It would seem so, Monsieur.

Oh, no, all your disguises and
funny voices won't help you now.

Take him below, and
get fresh horses.

We leave for Paris immediately.

And Bid... Bidet? Where is he?

And this, you claim, is
the Black Fingernail?

Yes, Citizen Robespierre.

Er... but this is a woman.

Oh, yes.

He may look like a woman, but the

Fingernail is a
master of deception.

Just because he rode all the
way from Calais side-saddle...

All right, Citizen
Camembert. If you

insist this is a man, prove it.

- Me? But how?
- How? How, he asks.

Call yourself a Frenchman?

- If I might make a suggestion.
- Well, what is it?

I have an infallible method for
finding out the true sex, sir.

- Yes?
- Yes, sir. Sooner or later, sir,

he or she will want to go
and powder his or her nose.

Right, sir. When that time comes,

we merely put him
or her in a place

that has two cloakrooms.

Ladies and gents.

Then we secretly observe which
one he or she goes into.

Citizen Bidet, I really
must commend you.

Any time, Citizen.

If I chopped off your head,

you'd still have as much
brains as you have now.

Thank you, sir.

I'll show you what sex she is.

There. Have either of you ever
seen a man looking like that?

Well, it's marvellous what
you can do with padding.

If I could just have
a bit of a prod...

No, you cannot have a bit of
a prod. Imbecile. Admit it.

This Fingernail has made a
monkey out of you again.

All right, girl. Tell
me. Where is he?

Out of your reach.
Safe back in England.

It should be quite obvious
to you now, Camembert.

She and this Fingernail have
been in collusion together.

Oh, no, Citizen. I
don't think they

had time for anything like that.

Take her away. And make her talk.

And get me this Fingernail.

Yes, Citizen, but
it won't be easy,

if he's gone back to England.

Then go to England. Find him.
Unfrock this master of deception.

But what if I fail?

Then don't bother to
get your hair cut.

Go to England? What for?

I told you. To find this
accursed Black Fingernail.

Well, what's going
to happen to me?

What do you mean, happen to you?

Well, you're my protector.
Who'll protect me?

I can't think about
things like that now.

I'm in danger of watching
my own head roll.

It wouldn't roll far.
It's too square.

I wish you wouldn't
do that. When you

undress, it's like
emptying a dustbin.

Well, why don't you buy
me a waste basket, then?

That's all I've ever really wanted
out of life-the simple things.

I'd like to marry a nice
man with a fortune...

and a château... and a title.

Then why don't you go and
marry someone with a title?

How can I? You keep slicing
their blooming heads off.

Who's that?

Oh, it's you.

Sorry to disturb you, Citizen,
sir. I mean, you did say, if it

was anything important...

Evening, Citizen miss.

- Well?
- Very nice. Very nice indeed.

Well, don't just stand
there, man. Get it out.

- Get it out.
- Get what out?

Whatever it was that
was so important.

It's about the girl.
It's like you said, sir.

I spent half the night working
to get information out of her.

- And what did you find out?
- Nothing.

Nothing? Nothing at all?

No. She kept mum.

Never mind her financial
arrangements with her mother.

What about the Fingernail?

Oh, well, there was this silver

locket. It appears
he gave it to her.

- With a lock of his hair?
- No, a set of his teeth.

A set of... A set of his teeth?

Fancy keeping your teeth in
a silver locket. I ask you.

Isn't that typical of
these damned aristocrats?

A glass of water
isn't good enough.

Mind you, sir, it'll
help us to find him.

All we've got to do is
to look for a man...

who talks like that.

A man who talks like
that? That's no good.

You know these plutocrats. He's
probably got a second set.

What are you gawping at?

Er... I come from a
poor family, miss.

We couldn't afford
luxuries like you.

Just a crust of bread and...

an occasional bit of crackling.

Cammie, I'd be very much obliged

if you'd ask this underling to
take his hot, sticky eyes off me.

Underling? There'll be
no more of that talk.

In our glorious Republic,
all are equal.

Equality, fraternity...
and liberty.

I don't care about
the equalities and

fraternities, but I am not
having the liberties.

Quiet, you two. I've
got it. I've got it.

Well, you didn't get it off me.

This girl, she is the bait
with which we set the trap.

The Fingernail must
be in love with her.

- But how do you know?
- My dear Bidet,

gentlemen don't go giving
lockets with their

teeth in them to every
casual acquaintance.

Oh, the English are a queer lot.

Be that as it may, once we let him
know we have this girl a prisoner,

he will hasten back
to France to rescue

her, and then...
he's in your trap.

Then what?

- Shut your trap.
- I only asked.

But how can we let him know
the girl's a prisoner,

if we don't know who he is?

We'll find out. We leave
for England immediately.

Now, there's a packet leaving
at dawn from Calais.

Oh, no, Citizen.
It's too dangerous.

It won't be the first time
I've caught a packet.

I mean, to go to England. You know
what they think of you over there.

Yes, he's right. Only aristos
are welcome there now.

Then we shall be aristos. Hurry
up, Bidet. Order my coach.

- Yes, sir.
- And don't forget my bag.

Not that one, you fool. I
mean my travelling bag.

Oh, I don't know,
though. We'll need

something to do on the journey.

Oh, excuse me.

♪ Slow music ♪

Ah, sir Rodney. I must
congratulate you.

A perfectly splendid charity ball.

Thank you, Lady Binder.

Now, do tell me. What
is it all in aid of?

SFA.

Oh, come. It must be
in aid of something.

SFA. Stranded French Aristocrats.

Oh, of course. A
very worthy cause.

And you've done
them proud tonight.

But then, you've
always had magnificent

balls, and I wouldn't
miss one of them.

Thank you, Lady Binder.

Darcy, I've been waiting for
you. What news from France?

Nothing yet. We have
agents making inquiries,

but the girl seems
to have disappeared.

I've got to find her,
Darcy. Did you tell them

they'd recognise her
by my mother's teeth?

Yes. It's very difficult looking
in every girl's mouth, you know.

Not in the mouth, you fool.
In the locket round her neck.

Isn't it marvellous?
No wonder they haven't

traced her. I'll have
to go over myself.

I wouldn't, if I were you.
There's a price on your head.

Oh, and a couple
calling themselves the

Duke and Duchess de
la Plume de Ma Tante

arrived in London from
France yesterday.

Escaped?

- Without our help?
- Exactly.

There is something fishy
going on, so I took

the liberty of inviting
them here tonight.

Good lad. It'll give us a
chance to... quiz them?

Oh, thank you.

Come along. What's
the matter with you?

It's these humpback
bridges. I shan't

be able to sit down for a week.

Oh, don't be so vulgar. You're
supposed to be an aristocrat.

Don't they have bottoms, then?

Of course, but down here
they're called country seats.

And what do they
call them in London?

The London derrière.

Well, I won't be putting my
derrière on a country seat.

Come on.

Welcome to Ffing House, my dears.
I'm, sir Rodney Ffing. Two Fs.

Ah, sir Rodney.

I am Count Henri de la
Plume de Ma Tante. One P.

Delighted, my dear. Methinks
we have met before.

Oh, methinks not. Er... this is
my sister, the Countess Désirée.

Charmed to make your acquaintance.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Grace and beauty.
You're a picture,

Mademoiselle... if a
trifle overexposed.

You'll forgive this
intrusion, sir Rodney,

but after we heard
about your ball...

Think not of it.
My house is yours.

You're very kind.

And now you must make up for lost
time. You've got a little behind.

Oh, fancy you noticing.

So, you've just
escaped from France?

Yes, by fishing boat.

Oh, yes. I thought that
perfume wasn't from Paris.

We're anxious to make the

acquaintance of the
Black Fingernail.

- The what?
- The Black Fingernail,

that gallant gentleman
who's been helping

so many of my dear
compatriots to escape.

- Oh, yes, that big show-off.
- You know him, then?

Heavens, no. I have no stomach
for the manly, virile type.

Now, excuse me. My card
is marked for this dance.

Perhaps the Countess
will honour me later.

Delighted... if someone
will mark my card.

I will, Countess. Don't worry.

Do you think that's
the Black Fingernail?

What, that Ffing? Don't be silly.

Well, he seems very nice,
and he's got a title.

Yes, I'm sure, and it's not one
you use in polite society.

Well... what do we do now, sir?

Circulate. Try and
pick up anything that

might lead us to the
Black Fingernail.

Circulate? Right, sir.

But remember, you
must be circumspect.

Oh, I was, sir, when I was a baby.

♪ Lively music ♪

Excuse me, my dear. May I cut in?

- Of course, Rodney, darling.
- Thank you, my dear.

Your friend, the Duc de
la Plume de My Aunt.

What about him?

He's the living
image of Camembert.

What, the leader of
the Secret Police?

- The big cheese himself.
- Well, what's he doing over here?

Act naturally.

Oh, hark at me.

You needn't request an
audience. You've got one.

I can't help it. These bubbles
get lodged in my chest.

There's room for a
few lodgers there.

- Psst.
- What?

Psst.

Don't be ridiculous.
I've only had a couple.

No, no, no. I think I've
got a lead. Over there.

The Duc de Pommfrit.

Do go on with your story,
Duke. It's so thrilling.

Oh, yes. There I was, face
down on the guillotine,

with a basket full of dirty
great heads staring up at me.

I wonder what happens
to all the heads.

Oh, my dear, they have a special
place for them: the napper's yard.

Do go on with your story, Duke.

Well, the drum roll stopped, and
everything went extremely hush.

The executioner pulled the
handle, and the knife came down,

and bounced off the
back of my neck.

Bounced off the back of your neck?

Yes. I had 'em fooled.

I was wearing a hard collar.

Well. Before they had time
to recover themselves.

I leapt to my feet, I seized the
sword, and I laid into them.

Take that. Take that.

Take this. Take that.

And I must say, they
took it very well.

- How many did you kill?
- Oh, six, seven.

Six or seven? What a bloody
sight it must have been.

Oh, it could have been
a bloody sight more.

But what of the Black Fingernail?

- Was it not he who saved you?
- Him? Oh, no, my dear.

He was around, but
I didn't need him.

Did you hear that, sir?
What a load of bull.

All men talk nonsense
in their cups,

Bidet. It's what we
call "coq au vin".

But I bet he knows who
the Black Fingernail is.

I say. Would any of
you young ladies care

to join me for a
stroll in the garden?

I know a nice, quiet little nook.

Not the nooky types,
obviously. Oh, well.

Follow him, Désirée. See
what you can learn.

Why me?

Because you are a woman, and women
can do things to... disarm a man.

By the looks of him,
he isn't even armed.

- Do as I say.
- Oh, all right.

But I warn you, one
hint of the old

whatsit, and I'm turning it in.

Follow her, Bidet.
Watch what she does.

Why? Don't you trust her?

Not all are as loyal to me as
you are, my faithful Bidet.

Thank you, sir.

I wish I had someone
to follow him.

That's him there,
the one who looks

like he's smelling
something nasty.

What do you think?

Difficult to tell
with that wig on.

Yes, if we could think of
some way of getting it off...

like a nice, juicy sneeze.

Ah, sir Rodney.

All alone? Where's
your gorgeous sister?

They just popped out.

That sort of thing is bound to
happen with those low-cut gowns.

You do take snuff?

The taking of snuff is a vice of
the degenerate aristocracy...

And I love it.

Well, you'll go mad about
this one. It's very special.

Rather mild for my taste, I fancy.

AAA-choo.

My wig. Where's my wig? Oh.

Excuse me, madam.
That's my wig, I think.

Yes, that's more like it...

Oh... Well, perhaps not.

Oh... excuse me,
but I seem to have

dropped my handkerchief somewhere.

Oh, it was yours, was it?
I did see it somewhere.

Oh, don't bother, really. I...

- What is it?
- I feel a little wan.

Oh, dear. Then perhaps
you'd better sit down.

How kind you are.

Is there somewhere we can
be quiet and undisturbed?

Oh, rather. There is a
beautiful spot in the arbour.

Oh, really? I had no idea
we were so near the sea.

Come.

What a quaint little place.

It is called a "love pavilion".

Oh. Really? I wonder why.

Yes, so do I. This
marble seat's enough

to cool anyone's
ardour. However...

Why, sir, what are you doing?

Mademoiselle, may I
say you are the most

ravishingly beautiful
woman I have ever seen?

Am I really? Oh, no, sir,
you mustn't. I do insist.

Here, knock it off.

What's wrong?

Well, there is something
I want from you.

Oh, well, that's all
right, then. As

long as we're both
on the same lines.

No, no, sir. Besides, I insist
we have a little talk first.

Oh, very well, then. What about?

I believe you know who
the Black Fingernail is.

Yes. Well, I enjoyed that
little chat. Now, then...

I haven't finished
yet. Besides, my

brother, the Count,
wishes to meet him.

I'm afraid that is impossible.

You see, I promised never
to reveal his identity.

Not even to please me?

Not even to please you.

Not even if I were to please you?

Not even if you were to...

Oh, that's different.

I say. How pleasing do
you think you can get?

As pleasing as...

that, for example.

A few more examples like that,
and you can please yourself.

- Come here, you little vixen.
- Oh, get off. Stop it.

I can't stop it. My blood's on
fire, my heart's on fire...

Yes, and your hands
are groping. Get off.

Long Live Love. Down
with everything.

Darcy, you must be more
careful where you sneeze.

You quite upset
Monsieur Camembert.

What's that? What did you call me?

You called me Monsieur
Camembert. Why?

Oh, do forgive me. A
slip of the tongue.

But you do look like
a chappie of that

name we met in Paris.
You remember, Darcy?

Oh, yes, a weaselly-faced
little runt

who tried to sell us
those funny postcards.

Of course, it couldn't
be you, could it, Count?

Do I look like a man who
sells funny postcards?

Not a bit. You look more like the
chappie on the funny postcards.

I hardly think that's possible.

That's what I said when
I saw the postcards.

Forgive me, gentlemen. I find
this conversation rather boring.

Well, then, let's
change it, Count.

Did you have any luck
finding that chappie?

What did you call
him? The Big Toenail?

The Black Fingernail.

Ah, yes, of course.
Aren't I a silly Ffing?

Er... excuse me. My secretary
wishes to speak to me.

Well?

She's with him, Pommfrit,
in the garden.

- Excellent. Is she getting it?
- Not half.

What do you mean?

- Had what off?
- His gloves.

Bad news, my dear Count?

On the contrary. I
fancy my quest for the

Black Fingernail will
soon be at an end.

He... Oh.

Never again. Next time you want
information, get it yourself.

Was it a distressing experience?

Distressing? Talk about wandering

hands. He could write
a travel book.

Well, never mind. Did you get
the information I wanted?

Oh, yes, he knows who the Black
Fingernail is, all right.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, hello, Duke.

Naughty little girl.
Running off like that,

just when my resistance
was weakening.

Oh, this is my brother, the one
what I was talking to you about.

- How do you do?
- Delighted.

My sister says you have
some information for me.

Oh, you must be the one who's
looking for the Black Fingernail.

- Yes, I am.
- There you are.

Oh, why can't we go home? I'm
fed up with this country.

They all want you to talk
about their parents.

What do you mean?

I've had dozens of
men say to me, "What

about a bit of how's-your-father?"

Well, what else can you expect
from a bunch of beef-eaters?

Why don't they eat frogs' legs and
snails, like normal people do?

Oh, the English have
always been backward.

Do you know, they're still taking
people's heads off by hand.

Ow.

Doesn't surprise me.
People who keep false

teeth in lockets are
capable of anything.

The locket. I almost
forgot. We may

trap the Fingernail
yet. Put this on.

Oh, not that horrible thing.
It's got false teeth in it.

Oh, it's all right.
They won't bite you.

Oh, all right.

When you go back in the
ballroom, make sure you

dance with every man
there, if you have to,

and also make sure he gets
a good look... at that.

They always do.

- I mean the locket.
- Oh.

Go on, then. And don't
forget, keep flashing it.

Watch her, Bidet, and report to me
if anyone recognises the locket.

Oh, yes, sir.

♪ Slow music ♪

- I see you're admiring my locket.
- What locket?

Aha.

Excuse me.

- Pretty, isn't it?
- Magnificent.

Here, have a good
look. That better?

Yes, thank you. It was
rather in the way.

Oh. Excuse me.

♪ Jaunty music ♪

Erm... excuse me, but
erm... that locket.

Yes? What about it?

Would you mind taking it off?

It keeps bashing me in the face.

Really, sir Rodney.

This chain round your
neck... may I pull it?

Please do.

- Where did you get that?
- You recognise it?

Yes, it was mine. I gave it to...

Yes?

- I must talk to you alone.
- Where?

In the arbour in five minutes.

Oh.

You didn't tell anyone
about our assignation?

I didn't even tell
'em we was meeting.

Clever girl.

Oh, sir... you mustn't.

I must say it, though.
I must confess,

his kiss kindles a flame in me.

I simply cannot help it.

I'm absolutely enamoured of you.

I've got to say it, even if
she does get on my wick.

And I of you, from the
first moment we met.

Oh, how can I betray
him to Cammie?

This is a bit of luck. I can find
out where she got that locket.

My little poodle.

I never knew that
Englishmen could love

so. Hold me close
again, I pray you.

I care not if you are
the Black Fingernail,

- and an enemy of France.
- How did you know that?

You recognised the locket. It
was set there to trap you.

- By Camembert?
- Then you know who he is?

From the moment I
saw him. Now, where

is the girl you got
that locket from?

- I will tell you, if...
- If what?

If you will make me thine.

- Make you mine?
- Make me thine.

I don't think I can go that far.

Look, I want to be
Lady Rodney Ffing.

Yes, all right, providing
you promise not to

tell Camembert that I am
the Black Fingernail.

- Gladly.
- Right.

Now, then, about that girl...

Camembert... has her
prisoner. The Bastille.

I know what he is.
Where is the girl?

I've just told you.
She's in the Bastille.

- The swine. I'll kill him.
- No, no, you must not do that.

He has left orders that
if he does not return

within the week, she will
go to the guillotine.

Then I've got to get
back to France...

Here. What about our bargain?

- I hadn't forgotten it.
- Well, then, seal it.

- I haven't got any sealing wax.
- Well, I have.

No, madam. Madam. Put me down.

It worked. It worked.
We've got him.

- Who is it? Who?
- You'll never guess. Sir Rodney.

What? That Ffing? Impossible.

It's him, all right. He
said the locket was his.

I can't believe it. That
fiddlesome fop? That

doodling dandiprat?
The Black Fingernail?

Yes. Shall I do him now?

No, no, this must be handled with
caution. We're not in France now.

In this ridiculous
country, you need a

reason for killing
someone. Where is he?

In the rose arbour with Désirée.

In the rose arbour? Doing what?

Well, I bet they're not
watering the plants.

He's played right into my hands.

I'll walk in there,
surprise them both

at it, play the outraged brother,

and challenge him
to a duel... thus.

Aren't you taking a
bit of a chance, sir?

You seem to forget, Bidet. I am
the finest pistol shot in France,

and it's obvious he's no use
with any sort of weapon.

You wouldn't say that if you'd
seen him in the rose...

I'll go and fetch a
duelling pistol.

But just to be on
the safe side, make

sure you only load one with ball.

- What's this I see?
- Cammie.

Oh. My own sister ravaged
before my very eyes.

No, no, it's the other way round.

You despicable cur, sir.

I demand immediate satisfaction.

This seems a failing
in your family.

Enough, sir. You have insulted
the honour of the de la Plumes.

- To say nothing of Ma Tante.
- Ooh, that hurt.

As the injured party, I have the
choice of swords or pistols.

Well, we won't quarrel. You have
the swords, I'll have the pistols.

Do not jest, sir. Believe
me: I am deadly earnest.

And I am living Rodney, and
mean to stay that way.

You have no choice. This
is an affair of honour.

We meet at dawn.

Couldn't we make it later?
I sleep until midday.

At dawn, sir. One hour from now.

Oh, very well. Where?

You may choose the location.

What about the
Garden of Fragrance?

The Garden of
Fragrance it is, sir.

They say the scent's
lovely in the morning.

Till dawn, then.

What hour is it?

A minute before dawn, sir.

Hello. Here they come.

I don't care for your
choice of location.

I know what I'm doing.
Are the horses ready?

- Waiting. Will you kill him?
- No. He'd have the girl's head.

I've just got to delay him long
enough for us to get a good start.

Morning. Well, here we are,
then. What happens now?

What? Haven't you ever
fought a duel before?

Only with conkers.

It's going to be a
piece of cake, sir.

I've never had a fight with cake.

Wait for me.

What's he doing here?

The Duke has agreed
to act as referee.

Good morning, gentlemen.
Lovely day. Are we ready?

Yes.

Splendid. Now, I want
a good clean fight.

No fouling, plenty of action, and
no shooting below the belt. Right?

- Right.
- Right.

Now, then, arm yourselves,
gentlemen, please.

For me? Oh, thanks.

You're only supposed to have one.

Yes, only one.

Well, for heaven's
sake, get on with it.

Now, now. Temper, temper.
I am the referee,

and we shall start when
I am ready. Ready?

Seconds... out.

Well done.

Now, then, will you face
me, gentlemen, please?

Now, when I give the
signal, you will turn,

walk ten paces. And fire.

Are we ready? Good show.

Aaargh.

I say, you're a bit
close, aren't you?

You nincompoop. You're
supposed to go the other way.

- Which other way?
- Over there. Go on.

Did you see that? He pushed me.

Come back here at once.

I'm very cross with you. Another

incident, and I shall
send you both off.

Well, he started it.

- No, I did not.
- Yes, you did.

That's enough. Really.

All this fuss over a silly little

duel. Now, take your
positions again.

We will start
back-to-back this time.

That is better.
Now, are you ready?

No. No. Don't kill him.

I love... No.

Get out of the way, woman.

Get off. Get off. Get her off.

Get that fan off the pitch.

Oooh. Oooh.

I have never seen
anything like it.

You're a disgrace.

If I may say so,
sir, you're showing

an extraordinary lack of control.

- So are you, in those trousers.
- You mind your own business.

Now, for the last time,
gentlemen... places, please.

Yes... Oh, thank you.

Are you ready?

- Excuse me.
- Oh, what now?

Could we make it 15
paces instead of ten?

- What on earth for?
- Well, 15 is my lucky number.

Oh, all right. 15
paces. For heaven's

sake, let's get this
thing over with.

Oh, no.

Come on.

Sir. Sir. Are you all right?

- Was it the...?
- The cesspit, where he belongs.

Oh.

Ooh. He's right in it this time.

That's why you picked this place.

Yeah, that's it. Get
the horses. Come on.

Ready?

Now.

Come on. Here we go.

Oi, Rodney, what
about our bargain?

Looks like you've lost
your new-found love.

Are you all right, sir?

The kiss of life.

- What, no chopping today?
- Too early.

The unions won't let them
work before breakfast.

Why didn't you get
rid of old stinky

Camembert when you had the chance?

You stupid Darcy. If
Camembert doesn't

come back alive, the
girl gets the chop.

Now, where is this
Bastille, Pommfrit?

- I haven't got it.
- You've been there.

Oh, there. Yes, of
course. Follow me.

I shall want half your
detachment, Captain.

Right, half of you, fall out.

We're too late.

He hasn't got her, sir. Look.

I can see that, you great nitwit.

Citizen Nitwit, if
you don't mind, sir.

In our new Republic,
all are equal...

Yes, yes, I know all that rubbish.

So, Mademoiselle, we meet again.

I'm not afraid of you. Send me
to the guillotine, if you will.

You will never learn the identity
of the Black Fingernail.

I don't need to, Mademoiselle.
I already know who he is.

- What?
- Yes, an English fop.

A dancing dandy. A mincing ninny.

His name is, sir Rodney Ffing.

With two Fs.

Sir Rodney Ffing. With two Fs.

Even his name is music to my ears.

And I happen to know that
he's in Paris even now,

and that he intends
to try to rescue you.

And when he does try, I
shall be waiting for him.

Oh, what a dastardly scheme.

Now, now, none of your filthy,
bourgeois language here.

I shall not let him come here. I
shall get warning to him somehow.

I thought you might try that,

so I've arranged to
have you secretly

conveyed to another place
of detention. Come.

I can't stand it. I'm going in.

You must be joking. There's too

many of them. We're
not even armed.

So what? Who knows what's
happening to her in there?

Death, or even a fate
worse than death.

Don't worry. I haven't
tried death, but I

tried the other. It's
not as bad as they say.

- Somebody's coming.
- Come on.

Oh.

You know where to take her?

- Yes, Citizen.
- Get going.

And guard her well, if
you value your head.

I want two men on duty near her
old cell, night and day, Captain.

Yes, Citizen.

And you, Bidet, will
remain in her cell.

If anyone tries to get in,
arrest them immediately,

no matter who or what they
look like. Understand?

Don't worry, Citizen, sir.

He won't fool me
with his disguises.

Good. Let me know
the moment anything

happens. I shall be in my office.

Nice of them to tell us
they're setting a trap.

Yes, isn't it? We'll
make good use of it.

How?

Well, the first thing
we do is find out where

they've taken her. It's
very simple. Come on.

You two, come with me.

Count of Marseilles, Princess
of Lyons, Duc de Saville...

Guillotine, guillotine,
guillotine.

Come.

Citizen. Bidet's caught someone.

What? At last. At last.

This should be him. Come on.

- Hands up.
- What are you doing?

I'm arresting you, you fool.

Are you out of your senses?
It's me, Camembert.

Yes, of course, and
I'm Madame Pompadour.

Don't take that tone
with me, you upstart.

Watch it, watch it.
Oh, you've made

a right mess of this, haven't you?

You don't even look
like Camembert.

But I am him. I mean, he.

Yes, we'll see about that. Guards.

You fool...

- Does this look like Camembert?
- No, not half ugly enough.

Where are those beady little eyes?

And the snotty nose?

- And the rabbit teeth?
- All right. Take him away.

- Where are you taking me?
- To Citizen Camembert.

But I am Citizen Camembert.

Get out. Go on.

He's not here.

Of course he's not here. I'm him.

Why don't we take him
to Citizen Robespierre?

Yes, Robespierre. He'll
tell you who I am.

Out. Out.

All right. In you go.

Citizen Robespierre, will you
tell these fools who I am?

Well, who are you?

I don't believe it. You know me.
Citizen Camembert. Little Cammie.

I know Citizen Camembert
very well, but who are you?

Oh, no. Oh.

I caught him trying to
rescue the girl, sir.

Well done, Bidet.

Of course, the idea for the
trap was mine, Citizen.

Your idea? Don't believe him,
the two-faced little rat.

The girl isn't in
the cell. I had her

removed, so the Fingernail
couldn't get her.

- Oh? Where to?
- The Châteauneuf.

Châteauneuf?

With a guard of 20
soldiers over her. Would

I know all that if I
weren't Camembert?

I'll look into it.
Bidet, guard him well.

- Yes, sir.
- You two, come with me.

So, trapping the Fingernail
was your idea, was it?

Yes, that's right. Citizen
Camembert's not a bad old stick,

but he hasn't got
it up here like me.

You stupid great fool.

What's that?

I don't know.

Citizen Robespierre.

It can't be. He just went out.

That wasn't him, you
blithering idiot. That

was the Fingernail.
He's done it again.

- Then you must be...
- Camembert, yes.

Now will you believe me,
you blithering idiot?

Oh, no. The girl. I
told him where she is.

My coach, quick.

There we are. The Châteauneuf. Or,
as you would call it, Number Nine.

Well named. It won't
be easy to take.

Not against 20 soldiers. Are
those doors the only way in?

- Oh, yes.
- They look pretty solid to me.

- We need a ram.
- I saw one in the field.

That was a ewe.

Wait. I've got a better
idea. Gunpowder.

Here. What about me?

- Well, hurry.
- Nice manners, I must say.

Open. Open. And hurry up about it.

Open. Open.

Oh, it's you, Citizen.

- Is the girl all right?
- Yes, Citizen. Fine.

Thank goodness for that. We're
in time. What's all that?

♪ He loves me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ He loves me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ He loves me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

What's going on in here?

♪ Yeah. Yeah yeah ♪

♪ He loves me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ He loves me ♪

♪ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah ♪

Stop it. Stop it at once. Get
off the furniture, you louts.

How dare you sit on old,
priceless antiques.

How dare you spoil
beautiful things

with your grubby seat marks.

It's a disgrace. What's
she doing with that harp?

Plucking it.

Well, I didn't think she
was knitting with it.

I didn't see any harm
in a bit of freedom.

No harm, when the Fingernail
may arrive at any moment?

Take her to the top
room of the High Tower.

Yes, Citizen. But there's a window
there. He might see her at it.

Fool. I want him to see her at it.

She is the bait that will
draw him into my final trap.

Yes, Citizen. Right, you
two, bring the girl.

Follow me.

Oh, filthy great louts.

Oh, absolute vandalism. They don't

appreciate good stuff
when they see it.

Why the fuss about a
crummy bit of furniture?

Crummy? This was the home of
Prince Jacques de Tourville,

one of the greatest art
collectors in France.

Every piece in it is priceless.

So what? It's not yours, is it?

Yes. It was presented
to me as a reward

for all my services
to the Revolution.

- Who by?
- Me, of course.

- Oh.
- But what about Prince Jacques?

Never mind Jacques. I'm all right.

But where do I fit in?

Wouldn't you like to
be mistress of this?

No, I'm finished with that. It's
marriage for me or nothing.

"The Princess Désirée
de Châteauneuf."

Yes, I like the sound of that.

Oh, we'll see. We'll see. Come.

I must show you the private
apartments. They're magnificent.

Do you know, even the china
thing is Dresden. Bidet...

Yes, Citizen, sir?

I shall want top security.
This is my final trap.

And she is the bait.

And what a smashing
bit of cheese, sir.

Oooh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

What's that mirror up there for?

Oh, as I was saying, the
Prince was a great collector.

Oh, yes. He had some
beautiful pieces.

Just look at this wardrobe here.

Oh.

These were the Prince's?

- His wife's.
- Oh, I was going to say.

Oh, look at this beautiful one.

Would you like me to
get it out for you?

Oh, yes, Cammie.

Ooh.

Isn't it lovely?

- Why don't you try it on?
- Can I?

- Of course.
- Oh, Cammie. Oh, this is fun.

Help me get my dress off.

- Why are these doors bolted?
- So the Fingernail can't get in.

Imbecile. We want him in.
It's a trap. Open them.

- But...
- Open the doors.

I've had my orders, Citizen.

Oh, well... never
mind. I'll do it.

- Come along. The doors are open.
- I know, but they opened them.

What was that noise? Bidet?
Bidet? Where are you? Where...?

It looks like a trap.

Yes, it's the
spider-and-fly trick.

We'll have to find another way in.

I've got to get into
Jacqueline's room.

Isn't it marvellous?
I can't trust him to

do a thing without
making a mess of it.

Bidet? Bidet? Are you
all right? Bidet?

Mother.

Sorry, Citizen, sir. I
can't think straight.

My brain's not working properly.

Yes, he's all right.
Perfectly normal.

The Fingernail will
be here any minute.

Now, no shooting. I don't want
bullet holes in my furniture.

Back to your stations,
out of sight.

Yes, Citizen.

Are you sure this
will get me up there?

We used it at the
siege of Agincourt.

All right. Go on. Let her go.

Aaaargh.

You.

Now, don't scream.

Why? What are you
going to do to me?

- Nothing.
- Well, that settles it. Help.

I tell you, I distinctly
heard a crash. Come on.

Now, you know where
she is, and I've

got to get her. Will you help me?

Look, you made a bargain,
and you never kept it.

I promise you, if you help
me, you'll marry your title.

- Honour bright?
- See that wet? See it dry?

If I break my promise,
you can spit in my eye.

Not now.

Well?

All right. It's a deal.

And what, pray, is the
meaning of this intrusion?

What was that crash?

Oh, well, I had a little
accident opening the window.

A little accident? That was
worth thousands of francs.

It's a stained-glass window.

Well, if it was stained,
it needed replacing.

It needed repla...

Someone's been in here.

Don't be silly.

I don't believe you.
Search the rooms.

- Please yourself.
- I will.

- Citizen, sir.
- What is it?

Look. Earmuffs.

You idiot. They're kneepads.

Oh, yes.

Citizen, sir, I've got him, the
Black Fingernail. He's trapped.

Citizen Camembert? Citizen...

Camembert.

You stupid... Where are
you? Where are you?

You stupid idiot. What do
you think you're doing?

Hello. Citizen Camembert wants
me to speak to the girl.

Certainly, madam.

All right. You can come out now.

That was a hair-raising
experience.

- You.
- Yes. It's me.

- You said you would come back.
- I said I would come back.

- And you are here.
- And I am here.

- Like you said you would.
- Like I said I would.

Oh, all right. What are you
trying to do? Make a play of it?

I never thought you would
come back like this.

It was the only way.

You took a big risk.

Not half as big as the one I took.

- I love you.
- And I love you.

Oh, that's enough.

- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- But how?

I've got friends. Here. See?
They're waiting for my signal.

Right, my friend. To arms.

In case it slipped
your mind, you're

supposed to get us out of here.

Oh, yes.

Right. You go first, and we'll
follow. In a couple of days.

Oh, no, you don't. We all
go together, or not at all.

All right, then, spoilsport. Go
on. Make a noise. Call for help.

Help.

Stay here. I'll send for
you when it's over.

Yoo-hoo.

It's me.

The Black Fingernail. After him.

Bolt all the doors, Bidet.
We've got him in the trap.

Yes, sir.

Come on, Pommfrit.

Aha-ha. Come on. Defend
yourself, you poxy knave.

I'll have you arrested
for this. You know

what you're doing?
You're masquerading.

Help. Help. Help.

Pax. Fainites.

Cor.

No, no. Don't shoot.
Mind the furniture.

No, no. Use your swords.

Darcy.

Now.

Ha-ha-ha. Come on.

Aaaargh.

Tremendous fun.

Get going. I'll hold 'em off.

You'll pay for that window.
You'll pay for it. Do you hear?

Heyaargh.

Argh.

You clumsy great lout.
Can't you be more careful?

You've ruined my Petit point.

It could never have happened
before the Revolution.

Oh, beautiful things.
Irreplaceable.

Wait. Mind the vase.

Ready?

Oh, no. One of the finest
collections in France.

Ruined. Ruined. Gone for ever.

Go on.

Oh, no.

Won't be a minute, Duke.

Oh, no. Not the harp.

Aha. Ooh, I say.

Thank you, Duke.

Vandals. This took years to make.

Oh, beautiful thing.

Bidet. Bidet. Speak to me.

Waargh.

Oh... my bust.

Oh, beautiful thing.

Ha-ha.

- Olé.
- Oh, shut up. Get the girls.

Look out, Rodney.

Oh, no. What have I done?

Well, Cheeseface, the
reckoning has come.

All right, sir Rodney.
You win. I give up.

What shall we do with him, Darcy?

Well, there are lots of things we
could do. Hang him, drown him...

- Or just ventilate him.
- I'm coming, Citizen, sir.

Oh, no.

Oh, oh, no, no, no.

Darcy, bring the girls.

Come on. Let's get out of
here. Come on, Pommfrit.

Pull it up.

Up a bit. I'm holding it.

Let's get out of here.

Anyway, we've drawn a big crowd.

I have, you mean. You
don't think they've

come to see your miserable
head fall, do you?

I hope the rain keeps
off. I forgot my hat.

Thank goodness the accursed

Fingernail is not
here to see this.

I've got news for you.

I wouldn't have missed
this for the world.

♪ Wedding March ♪

Nice way to keep a
bargain, I must say.

What's the matter? I promised
you a title, and he's got one.

I hate to think what it is.