Don't Fuck in the Woods (2016) - full transcript
With the intention of celebrating their graduation from college, a group of friends and horror aficionados, decide to take a break and head off deep into the woods for a weekend of fun and debauchery. However, their plans for the perfect camping trip will soon fall to pieces, when a merciless entity attracted to the reeking scent of sexual activity will crash the party. Lethal and silent, the carnal predator that lurks in the thick dark shadows, will eventually hunt down the happy campers one by one until there's no one left. But didn't the kids know that funking in the woods is messy, unsanitary, and very, very dangerous?
-Hey-- Oh...
-Fucking asshole.
What, you don't remember
spring break?
Stop.
Quit it, you jerk.
Wow.
What?
Look.
That's pretty awesome.
It's beautiful.
Yeah.
Not as beautiful
as you, though.
Really? Is that
the best you've got?
Well, if I see an opportunity
I'm gonna take it.
Look here, sir.
You better be glad
you're pretty,
That's all I've got to say
about that.
Where are you going?
You'll see.
Oh, my God,
I love camping.
Yup.
Oh, shit.
Goddamn it.
Ooh!
My turn.
Ooh!
Get on all fours.
One or two?
Two.
Oh, here it comes.
No, wait, wait,
I'm about to cum too.
Oh, no, this is...
Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes.
Baby, what the fuck?
You know I don't like
that kind of...
Hello.
Well, hello there.
I'm here to plunge
your holes.
Well, we don't have
any money.
We can't afford
to pay you.
It's okay, you can
pay me in sex, yes?
Oh, okay.
Yes!
We're girls who love
to have sex.
I love to have sex!
Let's have sex!
Watch my meatballs.
Yes, she did, girl.
You know she did.
And you know what?
He's gay!
He is so gay!
I cannot
believe this.
I am just going
to fuck this bitch up.
-Oh!
-Hey!
-What?
-Shut it down,
you bitchy queen.
You want to come over
and do something about it?
Come on,
you little bitch.
Oh, I ain't even
fucking with you.
I am not even fucking with you.
You get back here, little pansy.
-No homo.
-Uh-huh.
Ugh, God.
Daisy, I am so over this
little homophobic hellhole.
Hello?
Hey, sis, got a minute?
Hold on.
What do you want, Sammy?
Can't a brother just call
his sister to chat?
A, stepbrother.
B, I haven't even had
my coffee yet.
And C, the only reason why you
ever call is to borrow money.
Look I just need 300 bucks
for a week or two, tops.
I swear to you, I'll pay you
back with interest.
Shit. I gotta go.
I'll see what I can do.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Everything okay?
Yeah.
Okay.
Coffee.
Are you ready
for this weekend?
Yeah.
Let's try this again.
-I'm sorry.
-Mm-hmm.
I was just really hoping
that job
would call me back
this week.
Yeah.
I've been so stressed,
with graduation,
finals, job-hunting.
Well, drink this,
pack your tiny bikini,
and let's leave
all our worries right here.
Trust me.
Come Monday, everything will be
completely different.
All right.
Remind me again.
Why are we going camping
with that jock,
that cheerleader,
and that fucking stoner?
Because it makes us
look normal.
And everyone else
has left campus.
Well, I'm gonna go
get ready.
All right.
Oh, and don't forget
your whore of a sister
and her man-child
plaything.
-Hey.
-Hi.
Anything I can
help you find?
-No. No.
-No?
Maybe you need something to put
back on the fucking shelf?
No.
I would have gave you
this shit-fest.
Get the fuck
out of here.
Whatever, stoner.
So, basically you're telling me
that your looking
for the stereotypical
big-tittied girl
who runs from the killer
and screams
before she dies?
Yeah, but are them
titties nice?
I mean, it's not the only
requirement but, you know,
it's not the worst.
And that right there is why
you're part of the problem.
-How?
-Because you're focusing
on the fucking
eye candy
and missing out on legitimate
scream queens.
Cover your eyes.
Here she goes.
There are basic requirements
as to who gets called
a scream queen.
Just because the pretty girl
fucking screams
before she gets cut
does not give her the privilege
to be called
a scream queen.
Excuse me,
do you have Bludgeon?
Uh, hang on.
Being a scream queen
used to be about more
than a set of lungs
and nice tits.
It use to be about acting talent
and the ability to show
the right amount of fear
while screaming.
Nowadays, you have
some bitches
who don't even scream
in some fucking films,
but because they're hot they get
to be called a scream queen.
It is not fair to actresses like
Dee Wallace, Barbara Crampton,
Barbara Steele, who fucking
screamed their asses off
trying to fit
your damn mold.
Yes?
You know,
all of those actresses
have shown some form
of nudity.
Yes, yes, we have Bludgeon.
Back wall,
independent section.
Oh, my God, the walk-ins
tell it as it is.
Nudity isn't the issue.
Fuck it, either way,
if the bitch don't scream,
she ain't a scream queen.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Back me up, girls.
Should a scream queen be defined
as tits or talent?
-Both.
-Both.
Fuck it.
What the fuck are you
looking at, douche bag?
Boobs-boo--
Ahem, boots.
All right.
Hey, your guys' ride is here.
Yes, it is.
- See you.
- Bye.
Fuck, yeah.
Mark, put that shit away.
Yeah!
We about
to fucking rage!
-Ladies.
-Thank you.
Conor, where the fuck
am I going?
In the back.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Will you get in and shut
the door, Lunch Box?
Cock!
"Your Heaven's Broken"
by Moretta plays]
Hey, Meg, pick up
the damn phone already.
We're already on our way
to the woods.
We don't know where to meet you.
Give me a call back.
Bye.
So we have no clue
where we're going
because Meg and Luke
are probably wasted.
I tried calling her
last night,
but they were, uh,
probably busy.
Didn't she take a beer bottle
to the ass?
Where did you hear that?
Last spring break, I heard she
took a beer bottle to the ass.
I'm just saying,
that's some goddamn talent.
I want to know which end
went in first.
I heard she took it like a pro,
base first.
That sounds painful.
Yeah, yeah.
Anything's a dildo
if you're brave enough.
Are you into fisting?
Ew, get away.
Well, this looks like
as good a place as any.
Let out the Macki-poo!
No, leave him in there.
Yeah, leave him there.
Should we do it?
-No, let him out.
-No, let him sit.
Now I know how
Jane's knees feel.
Fuck!
Ha, ha, ha.
Conor, what are you,
the goddamn Green Arrow?
That way.
Sitting in the back
of the fucking trunk.
- Really?
- You got it!
Okay, that's cool.
All right, Conor,
it looks like it's up to you.
Oh, my God,
where's the man?
Man job.
I can see I'm not needed here.
Does anybody wanna go
check out the woods
and possibly look
for Meg and Luke?
- Sure.
- No.
Whatever gets me away
from that mouth breather.
Well, come on.
We'll be back later.
Wait, what if we run
into a bear?
You're not going to run
into a bear out here.
The only thing you have
to worry about in these woods
is the dykenthrope
in the combat boots.
Just remember,
my balls are bigger
than yours.
She can definitely
beat your ass.
Oh, what a beating it would be.
I would pay to see that.
You know, Mac,
you might as well
go along with them.
If they do run
into a bear,
a slow-moving target would
really help them get away.
Nope.
Or you could stay here
and help me chop wood.
Hold up, bitches!
Meg!
O.M.G.
Luke!
-Will you shut the fuck up.
-Where are you guys?
Meg!
"Meg, Luke,
where are you guys?"
Meg! Luke!
Where are you guys?
Are you okay?
Meg is seriously starting
to piss me off.
I could handle both.
I've got two dicks.
Let's just relax
and get fucked up.
All right,
that sounds good.
You want a hit?
What the hell, sure.
You okay?
I think this shit's
gone bad.
This shit ain't
gone bad.
Trust me.
See?
What about you,
Betty Badass?
You want a hit
of this shit?
Careful.
Always am.
I've had better.
Okay.
I'll give you better.
Seriously, I shit you not,
Luke said she closed her eyes,
says to herself,
"It's just chocolate."
Remind me to never drink
after Meg.
Wait, I got one
for you guys.
So, do you remember when Mac
set his fucking pants on fire?
What the fuck?
Yeah, he grabbed
the gas can
and some spilled
all over his pants.
You should've seen him
running around
with his pants
around his ankles,
trying to get them off.
Oh, man.
I think I'm ready
to crash.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, I just started
a little too early.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Are you ready
to crash?
Yeah. I want to wake up early
tomorrow anyways
and try to track down Meg.
But I don't wanna go to sleep.
You don't have
to go to sleep.
Well, you can't just
leave me here with...
this.
He's got a boner for you.
Have fun.
Nope.
Did you get everything?
Yup, all locked up tight
in the truck.
What about the food?
200 yards from the campsite,
just like the book said.
Are you tired?
Yeah, I'm beat.
-Sure about that?
-Ooh, Daddy likey.
It's getting
really hot in here.
Open the door.
Whoa!
What the fuck?
You fucking perv. What the fuck
do you think your doing?
I'm, uh...
I was trying to watch you
eat her puss.
Do that again.
Fuck off.
Rise and shine, creeper.
What the fuck?
That's what you get for being
a creepy, peeping motherfucker.
What the fuck?
What the fuck
did you do
to my chair?
Broke it with
my magnum dong.
Sure.
Parker...
I'm using your Gary Coleman tent
to change now.
Come on, Mac, get your shit
together so we can go.
Alex, I heard some
rustling last night.
Did you guys go looking
for Meg and Luke?
No. We crashed right after
you guys did.
That rustling you guys
heard last night
was Mac joining
the black-eyed pervs club.
It looks like
his initiation went well.
How much did you drink
last night, you alcoholic?
You guys ready now?
Yeah, hang on.
I got something
for Jane.
You fucking
cunt-a-saurus.
It happens.
Want to help me
with this cooler?
Sure.
This way, fuckhead.
Sure.
♪ I haven't thought of you
In so long ♪
♪ I hope you're well,
I hope you're okay ♪
♪ Haven't thought of you
In so long ♪
♪ And I'd like
To keep it that way ♪
♪ I haven't seen you
Around here lately... ♪
Silly goose.
Holy cock.
It's hotter than
a fifth-grader.
Break time.
It's high time, Conor.
Ugh.
Do you think
they're okay?
Who?
Meg and Luke.
I though we were here
to relax and have some fun.
You need to stop worrying
about other people
and focus on you.
Or better yet, us.
Last time I checked,
they were grown-ass adults
with their own lives
and own issues.
I have a brilliant idea.
Hmm?
Lacey goes topless.
There's more of that
in my dreams.
You wish.
Ah! It's cold.
I know you have
a big heart
and you worry
about everything.
But sometimes people
just need to get away.
Go off the grid
for a bit.
Look, we're about to be tossed
into the frying pan.
No financial aid, no help
from Mommy and Daddy.
It's sink-or-swim time.
I mean, that's why
we're all up here.
To get away
from everything.
Try to reboot.
So, have a drink
and let all your problems
just fade into the background.
You're right.
And that's why I love you.
Now, go get me a beer.
You know, this doesn't
make me the bitch.
Am I the only one
gonna get in?
Yeah.
What the hell are you kids
doing back here?
Oh, um, you know,
we're just camping
for the weekend.
Trying to have
a good time.
We're just trying to unwind
from school.
Well, it looks like you found
a nice spot to take a dip.
Yeah, this place
is really nice.
Excuse me, sir,
you haven't seen our friends?
They came up
about a day ago,
and we haven't been able
to find them or their campsite.
Negative.
These woods are pretty big.
There's lots of places
to slip in and out of.
You know, tight places
for privacy,
if you know what I mean.
But, um...
I'll let you kids get back
to having your fun,
and I things to do
and creatures to protect.
Wow, that guy
was a little, uh...
-A little fucking weird.
-weird, don't you think?
He was just staring
at your tits.
Well, you know what?
He was actually kind of cute.
And he probably
has a really big dick.
Damn, dawg.
A couple angles.
Save that for later.
Get the live action now.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
This is hot as shit.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Oh, God.
Lacey...
What?
- Bill Murray...
- Oh, God.
Chris Farley...
...Adam Sandler.
Go.
Let's see.
I'd marry Chris.
Definitely fuck Bill.
And...
Adam's a fucking goner.
Not Adam.
Okay, Parker,
this one's for you.
Hit me.
Okay, okay.
Ben Affleck.
Bat-Fleck.
Shut up.
George Carlin, and...
...Vincent Price.
Old sack of bones.
Okay then.
Kevin Smith, baby.
All the way!
Oh.
All right...
-All right.
-Oh, lesbians!
Parker just lost the game.
Let's get you to bed.
What? What are you staring at?
I know you want to be
in Parker's pants.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, see, I like dick,
though.
Well, you don't want his.
No. God, no.
So, okay, lesbians.
-Yes.
-This is
a very serious question.
Yes.
What does vagina
taste like?
I think it's about
that time to...
Threesome?
No!
You're gross.
Get out of here.
You're not going to fall asleep
on me, are you?
You know damn well
I have no intentions
of falling asleep.
♪ All by myself ♪
Ladies.
Fancy meeting you here.
What? What's wrong?
I'm sorry, I just can't stop
thinking about Meg and Luke.
I mean, we've been
out here for days
and we haven't seen
or heard from them at all.
I mean, what if something
happened?
what if they're hurt?
There's rangers everywhere
in this park.
I'm sure if something
were to go wrong,
the rangers
would find them.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
I guess.
Look, it's been a while
since we've gotten this far.
Do you remember
the first time?
Yeah.
We didn't leave
the apartment for, what,
three whole days?
Exactly.
Let's do the same.
Let's just stay in this tent
for the next three days.
Fuck everybody else.
Ladies.
Do you want
to play a game?
I think I packed
a deck of cards, actually.
No, we don't need
no goddamn cards
for this fucking game.
What's the name
of the game, dipshit?
Truth or dare.
-Oh, Jesus. This fucker.
-Yeah.
All right, Mac.
Truth or dare?
Dare.
I dare you to chug the rest
of that pussy-ass drink.
All right.
Trying to get me
all loosey-deucey.
-I respect that.
-Mm-hmm.
-Alex.
-Yes?
Truth or dare?
Um...
Truth.
Really?
You're going to be
a lame shit?
All right,
all right.
Have you ever...
I don't know...
been eaten out
in public?
-Really?
-Really, really.
You're just gonna dive
right in there?
I mean, if
it's an invitation,
I'll dive
right in there.
No. No, I haven't.
Change that...
All right, Mac.
If that's how
you wanna play it,
truth or dare?
Truth.
- You pussy-ass bitch.
- Really?
Eight inches...
...around.
In your dreams,
little man.
All right, Jane.
Truth...
or motherfucking dare?
Dare.
Mm-hmm.
I dare you to get
to third base,
right here, right now,
at this campfire with Alex.
Go.
-Mm-hmm.
-Go.
Go, go, go.
Go-di-go, go.
Mm.
Yeah.
There you go.
Daddy likey.
What do you ladies say
we move this to the tent?
I think that sounds like
a fantastic idea.
I think it sounds like
a grade-A goddamn idea.
Mm-hm.
Wow.
Right?
In your dreams,
fucktard.
But, hey, thanks for
getting things going.
No.
Sweet dreams.
What the fuck am I supposed
to do with this?
Goddamn it.
Well, Jill.
it looks like me and you
are getting into
a fight tonight.
Good a place as any.
Yeah!
Get the fuck out.
What?
I have to pee.
Are you kidding?
No.
I'm so sorry.
I will be right back.
You better hurry.
I will.
Don't go anywhere.
Fuck.
Alex! Holy shit.
Jane!
Jane, get the fuck
out here!
Hold the fuck up.
Oh, God.
What the fuck
was that?
It looked like
a goddamn alien.
Babe, I got to take
a look.
No.
Just breathe.
-And try to be quiet.
-Okay.
Shh!
Hey. Here.
You good?
We are so fucked.
-We are so fucked.
-Hold this there, okay?
Oh, fuck.
We are so fucked.
What the fuck
was that?
I don't know.
But we need to
get the fuck out
of the woods.
What we need is a big
fucking machine gun.
What we need
is to find
the ranger.
No, no, no, no.
We need some fucking katanas,
some fucking
throwing stars,
some goddamn Predator-level
fucking hunting shit.
Snap the fuck
out of it, asshole.
What I was going to say is
we need to go to the fucking car
and get the
goddamn arsenal out of it.
We should just
wait it out here.
Are you fucking dumb,
Alex?
All of our friends
just got their fucking guts
ripped the fuck
out of them.
We're not fucking
sitting here.
We're going to that
fucking car.
Fine, let's go.
-Come on.
-Okay.
Who the fuck
are they?
Is that Meg?
Oh...
No, it's not Meg, okay?
I can't do this anymore.
-It's okay. Shh.
-I wanna go home.
-It's okay, it's okay, Alex.
-I wanna go home right now.
We need to fucking go,
is what we need to do.
Okay.
- Well, come on, let's go.
- Okay.
Come on.
What in the actual fuck?
Holy shit.
I got his keys.
Holy fuck.
Oh, my God.
It's all right.
What the fuck?
I think it...
I think it ate
her ovaries.
Why would it do that?
-I don't know. It's okay.
-What the fuck?
Now, we need
the fucking nunchucks.
Oh, my God.
It's a shame too.
Them tits were awesome.
What in the fuck
are you looking for?
In case that thing comes back,
we should have
some fucking weapons.
Oh, shit!
Fuck! Jane! Alex!
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!
Jane, he's got nards!
No!
Jane, run.
Fuck!
Mac's got the fucking keys.
Come on. Hurry.
Let's go.
Fuck you.
Stop. Wait.
Baby...
I can't.
Baby, I need you
to keep going.
Nah-uh.
No, baby, come on.
I love you.
No, come on,
you gotta keep going.
No, no, no, no,
come on.
Stay with me, okay?
We're gonna make it
out of here,
I promise.
Alex!
Don't go!
Please don't leave me!
Come on, come on,
come on.
Suck my--
One or two?
Two.
I'm gonna get balls deep
in that ass
and do some colon blowing.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
You just set the ground on fire.
Yay!
I think that shit's
gone bad.
Trust me,
it ain't gone bad.
What about you?
Sorry.
Trust me,
it ain't gone bad.
You like it.
"I like it"?
What kind of face is that?
In this corner,
we have Scotty-too-Hotty.
In this corner,
we have Shawn, Shawn,
You Really Turn Me On.
And go.
I'm giving the creature
a blowjob here.
Come in.
This is aimed right at you.
Ayse, your vagina's showing.
You can't be mad
at the effects guy.
I feel really terrible about
What the fuck?
Nobody does that.
- Yeah, they do.
- No, they don't.
- In porn.
- Nobody does that.
I've never seen that
in porn. It hurts.
You're watching
the wrong kind then.
Fuck off!
Cut! That was awesome.
Um, Roman...
you see what I'm poking?
I kinda need light
over this way, possibly.
-'Ello!
-Hello!
I'm here to
plunge your holes.
That doesn't look horrible.
Come look at this.
No, I don't mean her.
I'm talking about the light.
Man, we know
many strippers, man.
Where did...?
Where did I...?
Yes?
I know you like it.
Other than this fire
and just finishing setting up,
you're good for this scene,
right?
Like, the actors are good?
Yup.
Yup.
-Cool. I mean, cool.
-Cool.
I mean, cool.
Yeah.
You gonna cue her when to jump,
or is she just gonna do it
on her own?
'Cause I need to know.
I will...
um, no, I won't draw
on acting just because...
Quit rubbing me.
That's weird.
Are you going to tell her
when to jump?
Action!
Here we go!
Scotty doesn't know.
You don't. You think you do.
-You don't.
-Shut up.
Fuck.
Hey, I just met you
and I'm freezing.
"But I'm naked
and riding your dick."
I'm calling your
fucking mom right now
and I'm gonna tell her you've
been sucking dick in the back.
-I've been fucking watching--
-She knows!
Yeah, that'll work!
I'm too tired
to have sex tonight, baby.
Go to sleep.
Take care of yourself.
Shit, that looked awesome. Cut.
- Derek.
- Huh?
I got that on video.
Oh, my...
Ooo! She's stealing!
What'd you say?
What'd you say?
What'd you say?
Oh, look, it's in your face
When are you getting smashed?
When are you
getting smashed?
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Into the lesbians.
If you can put one in,
put the whole thing.
Whoa, there.
- Just fucking fist me.
- Fist my ass!
I'm glad I'm still recording.
Whoa, there.
I've had better.
Okay.
I'll give you better.
I'm doing her tonight.
Cut.
-Fucking asshole.
What, you don't remember
spring break?
Stop.
Quit it, you jerk.
Wow.
What?
Look.
That's pretty awesome.
It's beautiful.
Yeah.
Not as beautiful
as you, though.
Really? Is that
the best you've got?
Well, if I see an opportunity
I'm gonna take it.
Look here, sir.
You better be glad
you're pretty,
That's all I've got to say
about that.
Where are you going?
You'll see.
Oh, my God,
I love camping.
Yup.
Oh, shit.
Goddamn it.
Ooh!
My turn.
Ooh!
Get on all fours.
One or two?
Two.
Oh, here it comes.
No, wait, wait,
I'm about to cum too.
Oh, no, this is...
Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes.
Baby, what the fuck?
You know I don't like
that kind of...
Hello.
Well, hello there.
I'm here to plunge
your holes.
Well, we don't have
any money.
We can't afford
to pay you.
It's okay, you can
pay me in sex, yes?
Oh, okay.
Yes!
We're girls who love
to have sex.
I love to have sex!
Let's have sex!
Watch my meatballs.
Yes, she did, girl.
You know she did.
And you know what?
He's gay!
He is so gay!
I cannot
believe this.
I am just going
to fuck this bitch up.
-Oh!
-Hey!
-What?
-Shut it down,
you bitchy queen.
You want to come over
and do something about it?
Come on,
you little bitch.
Oh, I ain't even
fucking with you.
I am not even fucking with you.
You get back here, little pansy.
-No homo.
-Uh-huh.
Ugh, God.
Daisy, I am so over this
little homophobic hellhole.
Hello?
Hey, sis, got a minute?
Hold on.
What do you want, Sammy?
Can't a brother just call
his sister to chat?
A, stepbrother.
B, I haven't even had
my coffee yet.
And C, the only reason why you
ever call is to borrow money.
Look I just need 300 bucks
for a week or two, tops.
I swear to you, I'll pay you
back with interest.
Shit. I gotta go.
I'll see what I can do.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Everything okay?
Yeah.
Okay.
Coffee.
Are you ready
for this weekend?
Yeah.
Let's try this again.
-I'm sorry.
-Mm-hmm.
I was just really hoping
that job
would call me back
this week.
Yeah.
I've been so stressed,
with graduation,
finals, job-hunting.
Well, drink this,
pack your tiny bikini,
and let's leave
all our worries right here.
Trust me.
Come Monday, everything will be
completely different.
All right.
Remind me again.
Why are we going camping
with that jock,
that cheerleader,
and that fucking stoner?
Because it makes us
look normal.
And everyone else
has left campus.
Well, I'm gonna go
get ready.
All right.
Oh, and don't forget
your whore of a sister
and her man-child
plaything.
-Hey.
-Hi.
Anything I can
help you find?
-No. No.
-No?
Maybe you need something to put
back on the fucking shelf?
No.
I would have gave you
this shit-fest.
Get the fuck
out of here.
Whatever, stoner.
So, basically you're telling me
that your looking
for the stereotypical
big-tittied girl
who runs from the killer
and screams
before she dies?
Yeah, but are them
titties nice?
I mean, it's not the only
requirement but, you know,
it's not the worst.
And that right there is why
you're part of the problem.
-How?
-Because you're focusing
on the fucking
eye candy
and missing out on legitimate
scream queens.
Cover your eyes.
Here she goes.
There are basic requirements
as to who gets called
a scream queen.
Just because the pretty girl
fucking screams
before she gets cut
does not give her the privilege
to be called
a scream queen.
Excuse me,
do you have Bludgeon?
Uh, hang on.
Being a scream queen
used to be about more
than a set of lungs
and nice tits.
It use to be about acting talent
and the ability to show
the right amount of fear
while screaming.
Nowadays, you have
some bitches
who don't even scream
in some fucking films,
but because they're hot they get
to be called a scream queen.
It is not fair to actresses like
Dee Wallace, Barbara Crampton,
Barbara Steele, who fucking
screamed their asses off
trying to fit
your damn mold.
Yes?
You know,
all of those actresses
have shown some form
of nudity.
Yes, yes, we have Bludgeon.
Back wall,
independent section.
Oh, my God, the walk-ins
tell it as it is.
Nudity isn't the issue.
Fuck it, either way,
if the bitch don't scream,
she ain't a scream queen.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Back me up, girls.
Should a scream queen be defined
as tits or talent?
-Both.
-Both.
Fuck it.
What the fuck are you
looking at, douche bag?
Boobs-boo--
Ahem, boots.
All right.
Hey, your guys' ride is here.
Yes, it is.
- See you.
- Bye.
Fuck, yeah.
Mark, put that shit away.
Yeah!
We about
to fucking rage!
-Ladies.
-Thank you.
Conor, where the fuck
am I going?
In the back.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Will you get in and shut
the door, Lunch Box?
Cock!
"Your Heaven's Broken"
by Moretta plays]
Hey, Meg, pick up
the damn phone already.
We're already on our way
to the woods.
We don't know where to meet you.
Give me a call back.
Bye.
So we have no clue
where we're going
because Meg and Luke
are probably wasted.
I tried calling her
last night,
but they were, uh,
probably busy.
Didn't she take a beer bottle
to the ass?
Where did you hear that?
Last spring break, I heard she
took a beer bottle to the ass.
I'm just saying,
that's some goddamn talent.
I want to know which end
went in first.
I heard she took it like a pro,
base first.
That sounds painful.
Yeah, yeah.
Anything's a dildo
if you're brave enough.
Are you into fisting?
Ew, get away.
Well, this looks like
as good a place as any.
Let out the Macki-poo!
No, leave him in there.
Yeah, leave him there.
Should we do it?
-No, let him out.
-No, let him sit.
Now I know how
Jane's knees feel.
Fuck!
Ha, ha, ha.
Conor, what are you,
the goddamn Green Arrow?
That way.
Sitting in the back
of the fucking trunk.
- Really?
- You got it!
Okay, that's cool.
All right, Conor,
it looks like it's up to you.
Oh, my God,
where's the man?
Man job.
I can see I'm not needed here.
Does anybody wanna go
check out the woods
and possibly look
for Meg and Luke?
- Sure.
- No.
Whatever gets me away
from that mouth breather.
Well, come on.
We'll be back later.
Wait, what if we run
into a bear?
You're not going to run
into a bear out here.
The only thing you have
to worry about in these woods
is the dykenthrope
in the combat boots.
Just remember,
my balls are bigger
than yours.
She can definitely
beat your ass.
Oh, what a beating it would be.
I would pay to see that.
You know, Mac,
you might as well
go along with them.
If they do run
into a bear,
a slow-moving target would
really help them get away.
Nope.
Or you could stay here
and help me chop wood.
Hold up, bitches!
Meg!
O.M.G.
Luke!
-Will you shut the fuck up.
-Where are you guys?
Meg!
"Meg, Luke,
where are you guys?"
Meg! Luke!
Where are you guys?
Are you okay?
Meg is seriously starting
to piss me off.
I could handle both.
I've got two dicks.
Let's just relax
and get fucked up.
All right,
that sounds good.
You want a hit?
What the hell, sure.
You okay?
I think this shit's
gone bad.
This shit ain't
gone bad.
Trust me.
See?
What about you,
Betty Badass?
You want a hit
of this shit?
Careful.
Always am.
I've had better.
Okay.
I'll give you better.
Seriously, I shit you not,
Luke said she closed her eyes,
says to herself,
"It's just chocolate."
Remind me to never drink
after Meg.
Wait, I got one
for you guys.
So, do you remember when Mac
set his fucking pants on fire?
What the fuck?
Yeah, he grabbed
the gas can
and some spilled
all over his pants.
You should've seen him
running around
with his pants
around his ankles,
trying to get them off.
Oh, man.
I think I'm ready
to crash.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, I just started
a little too early.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Are you ready
to crash?
Yeah. I want to wake up early
tomorrow anyways
and try to track down Meg.
But I don't wanna go to sleep.
You don't have
to go to sleep.
Well, you can't just
leave me here with...
this.
He's got a boner for you.
Have fun.
Nope.
Did you get everything?
Yup, all locked up tight
in the truck.
What about the food?
200 yards from the campsite,
just like the book said.
Are you tired?
Yeah, I'm beat.
-Sure about that?
-Ooh, Daddy likey.
It's getting
really hot in here.
Open the door.
Whoa!
What the fuck?
You fucking perv. What the fuck
do you think your doing?
I'm, uh...
I was trying to watch you
eat her puss.
Do that again.
Fuck off.
Rise and shine, creeper.
What the fuck?
That's what you get for being
a creepy, peeping motherfucker.
What the fuck?
What the fuck
did you do
to my chair?
Broke it with
my magnum dong.
Sure.
Parker...
I'm using your Gary Coleman tent
to change now.
Come on, Mac, get your shit
together so we can go.
Alex, I heard some
rustling last night.
Did you guys go looking
for Meg and Luke?
No. We crashed right after
you guys did.
That rustling you guys
heard last night
was Mac joining
the black-eyed pervs club.
It looks like
his initiation went well.
How much did you drink
last night, you alcoholic?
You guys ready now?
Yeah, hang on.
I got something
for Jane.
You fucking
cunt-a-saurus.
It happens.
Want to help me
with this cooler?
Sure.
This way, fuckhead.
Sure.
♪ I haven't thought of you
In so long ♪
♪ I hope you're well,
I hope you're okay ♪
♪ Haven't thought of you
In so long ♪
♪ And I'd like
To keep it that way ♪
♪ I haven't seen you
Around here lately... ♪
Silly goose.
Holy cock.
It's hotter than
a fifth-grader.
Break time.
It's high time, Conor.
Ugh.
Do you think
they're okay?
Who?
Meg and Luke.
I though we were here
to relax and have some fun.
You need to stop worrying
about other people
and focus on you.
Or better yet, us.
Last time I checked,
they were grown-ass adults
with their own lives
and own issues.
I have a brilliant idea.
Hmm?
Lacey goes topless.
There's more of that
in my dreams.
You wish.
Ah! It's cold.
I know you have
a big heart
and you worry
about everything.
But sometimes people
just need to get away.
Go off the grid
for a bit.
Look, we're about to be tossed
into the frying pan.
No financial aid, no help
from Mommy and Daddy.
It's sink-or-swim time.
I mean, that's why
we're all up here.
To get away
from everything.
Try to reboot.
So, have a drink
and let all your problems
just fade into the background.
You're right.
And that's why I love you.
Now, go get me a beer.
You know, this doesn't
make me the bitch.
Am I the only one
gonna get in?
Yeah.
What the hell are you kids
doing back here?
Oh, um, you know,
we're just camping
for the weekend.
Trying to have
a good time.
We're just trying to unwind
from school.
Well, it looks like you found
a nice spot to take a dip.
Yeah, this place
is really nice.
Excuse me, sir,
you haven't seen our friends?
They came up
about a day ago,
and we haven't been able
to find them or their campsite.
Negative.
These woods are pretty big.
There's lots of places
to slip in and out of.
You know, tight places
for privacy,
if you know what I mean.
But, um...
I'll let you kids get back
to having your fun,
and I things to do
and creatures to protect.
Wow, that guy
was a little, uh...
-A little fucking weird.
-weird, don't you think?
He was just staring
at your tits.
Well, you know what?
He was actually kind of cute.
And he probably
has a really big dick.
Damn, dawg.
A couple angles.
Save that for later.
Get the live action now.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
This is hot as shit.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Oh, God.
Lacey...
What?
- Bill Murray...
- Oh, God.
Chris Farley...
...Adam Sandler.
Go.
Let's see.
I'd marry Chris.
Definitely fuck Bill.
And...
Adam's a fucking goner.
Not Adam.
Okay, Parker,
this one's for you.
Hit me.
Okay, okay.
Ben Affleck.
Bat-Fleck.
Shut up.
George Carlin, and...
...Vincent Price.
Old sack of bones.
Okay then.
Kevin Smith, baby.
All the way!
Oh.
All right...
-All right.
-Oh, lesbians!
Parker just lost the game.
Let's get you to bed.
What? What are you staring at?
I know you want to be
in Parker's pants.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, see, I like dick,
though.
Well, you don't want his.
No. God, no.
So, okay, lesbians.
-Yes.
-This is
a very serious question.
Yes.
What does vagina
taste like?
I think it's about
that time to...
Threesome?
No!
You're gross.
Get out of here.
You're not going to fall asleep
on me, are you?
You know damn well
I have no intentions
of falling asleep.
♪ All by myself ♪
Ladies.
Fancy meeting you here.
What? What's wrong?
I'm sorry, I just can't stop
thinking about Meg and Luke.
I mean, we've been
out here for days
and we haven't seen
or heard from them at all.
I mean, what if something
happened?
what if they're hurt?
There's rangers everywhere
in this park.
I'm sure if something
were to go wrong,
the rangers
would find them.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
I guess.
Look, it's been a while
since we've gotten this far.
Do you remember
the first time?
Yeah.
We didn't leave
the apartment for, what,
three whole days?
Exactly.
Let's do the same.
Let's just stay in this tent
for the next three days.
Fuck everybody else.
Ladies.
Do you want
to play a game?
I think I packed
a deck of cards, actually.
No, we don't need
no goddamn cards
for this fucking game.
What's the name
of the game, dipshit?
Truth or dare.
-Oh, Jesus. This fucker.
-Yeah.
All right, Mac.
Truth or dare?
Dare.
I dare you to chug the rest
of that pussy-ass drink.
All right.
Trying to get me
all loosey-deucey.
-I respect that.
-Mm-hmm.
-Alex.
-Yes?
Truth or dare?
Um...
Truth.
Really?
You're going to be
a lame shit?
All right,
all right.
Have you ever...
I don't know...
been eaten out
in public?
-Really?
-Really, really.
You're just gonna dive
right in there?
I mean, if
it's an invitation,
I'll dive
right in there.
No. No, I haven't.
Change that...
All right, Mac.
If that's how
you wanna play it,
truth or dare?
Truth.
- You pussy-ass bitch.
- Really?
Eight inches...
...around.
In your dreams,
little man.
All right, Jane.
Truth...
or motherfucking dare?
Dare.
Mm-hmm.
I dare you to get
to third base,
right here, right now,
at this campfire with Alex.
Go.
-Mm-hmm.
-Go.
Go, go, go.
Go-di-go, go.
Mm.
Yeah.
There you go.
Daddy likey.
What do you ladies say
we move this to the tent?
I think that sounds like
a fantastic idea.
I think it sounds like
a grade-A goddamn idea.
Mm-hm.
Wow.
Right?
In your dreams,
fucktard.
But, hey, thanks for
getting things going.
No.
Sweet dreams.
What the fuck am I supposed
to do with this?
Goddamn it.
Well, Jill.
it looks like me and you
are getting into
a fight tonight.
Good a place as any.
Yeah!
Get the fuck out.
What?
I have to pee.
Are you kidding?
No.
I'm so sorry.
I will be right back.
You better hurry.
I will.
Don't go anywhere.
Fuck.
Alex! Holy shit.
Jane!
Jane, get the fuck
out here!
Hold the fuck up.
Oh, God.
What the fuck
was that?
It looked like
a goddamn alien.
Babe, I got to take
a look.
No.
Just breathe.
-And try to be quiet.
-Okay.
Shh!
Hey. Here.
You good?
We are so fucked.
-We are so fucked.
-Hold this there, okay?
Oh, fuck.
We are so fucked.
What the fuck
was that?
I don't know.
But we need to
get the fuck out
of the woods.
What we need is a big
fucking machine gun.
What we need
is to find
the ranger.
No, no, no, no.
We need some fucking katanas,
some fucking
throwing stars,
some goddamn Predator-level
fucking hunting shit.
Snap the fuck
out of it, asshole.
What I was going to say is
we need to go to the fucking car
and get the
goddamn arsenal out of it.
We should just
wait it out here.
Are you fucking dumb,
Alex?
All of our friends
just got their fucking guts
ripped the fuck
out of them.
We're not fucking
sitting here.
We're going to that
fucking car.
Fine, let's go.
-Come on.
-Okay.
Who the fuck
are they?
Is that Meg?
Oh...
No, it's not Meg, okay?
I can't do this anymore.
-It's okay. Shh.
-I wanna go home.
-It's okay, it's okay, Alex.
-I wanna go home right now.
We need to fucking go,
is what we need to do.
Okay.
- Well, come on, let's go.
- Okay.
Come on.
What in the actual fuck?
Holy shit.
I got his keys.
Holy fuck.
Oh, my God.
It's all right.
What the fuck?
I think it...
I think it ate
her ovaries.
Why would it do that?
-I don't know. It's okay.
-What the fuck?
Now, we need
the fucking nunchucks.
Oh, my God.
It's a shame too.
Them tits were awesome.
What in the fuck
are you looking for?
In case that thing comes back,
we should have
some fucking weapons.
Oh, shit!
Fuck! Jane! Alex!
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!
Jane, he's got nards!
No!
Jane, run.
Fuck!
Mac's got the fucking keys.
Come on. Hurry.
Let's go.
Fuck you.
Stop. Wait.
Baby...
I can't.
Baby, I need you
to keep going.
Nah-uh.
No, baby, come on.
I love you.
No, come on,
you gotta keep going.
No, no, no, no,
come on.
Stay with me, okay?
We're gonna make it
out of here,
I promise.
Alex!
Don't go!
Please don't leave me!
Come on, come on,
come on.
Suck my--
One or two?
Two.
I'm gonna get balls deep
in that ass
and do some colon blowing.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
You just set the ground on fire.
Yay!
I think that shit's
gone bad.
Trust me,
it ain't gone bad.
What about you?
Sorry.
Trust me,
it ain't gone bad.
You like it.
"I like it"?
What kind of face is that?
In this corner,
we have Scotty-too-Hotty.
In this corner,
we have Shawn, Shawn,
You Really Turn Me On.
And go.
I'm giving the creature
a blowjob here.
Come in.
This is aimed right at you.
Ayse, your vagina's showing.
You can't be mad
at the effects guy.
I feel really terrible about
What the fuck?
Nobody does that.
- Yeah, they do.
- No, they don't.
- In porn.
- Nobody does that.
I've never seen that
in porn. It hurts.
You're watching
the wrong kind then.
Fuck off!
Cut! That was awesome.
Um, Roman...
you see what I'm poking?
I kinda need light
over this way, possibly.
-'Ello!
-Hello!
I'm here to
plunge your holes.
That doesn't look horrible.
Come look at this.
No, I don't mean her.
I'm talking about the light.
Man, we know
many strippers, man.
Where did...?
Where did I...?
Yes?
I know you like it.
Other than this fire
and just finishing setting up,
you're good for this scene,
right?
Like, the actors are good?
Yup.
Yup.
-Cool. I mean, cool.
-Cool.
I mean, cool.
Yeah.
You gonna cue her when to jump,
or is she just gonna do it
on her own?
'Cause I need to know.
I will...
um, no, I won't draw
on acting just because...
Quit rubbing me.
That's weird.
Are you going to tell her
when to jump?
Action!
Here we go!
Scotty doesn't know.
You don't. You think you do.
-You don't.
-Shut up.
Fuck.
Hey, I just met you
and I'm freezing.
"But I'm naked
and riding your dick."
I'm calling your
fucking mom right now
and I'm gonna tell her you've
been sucking dick in the back.
-I've been fucking watching--
-She knows!
Yeah, that'll work!
I'm too tired
to have sex tonight, baby.
Go to sleep.
Take care of yourself.
Shit, that looked awesome. Cut.
- Derek.
- Huh?
I got that on video.
Oh, my...
Ooo! She's stealing!
What'd you say?
What'd you say?
What'd you say?
Oh, look, it's in your face
When are you getting smashed?
When are you
getting smashed?
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Into the lesbians.
If you can put one in,
put the whole thing.
Whoa, there.
- Just fucking fist me.
- Fist my ass!
I'm glad I'm still recording.
Whoa, there.
I've had better.
Okay.
I'll give you better.
I'm doing her tonight.
Cut.