Don't Drink the Water (1969) - full transcript

Do you have the tickets, Walter?

Passports, medical certificates?

Imagine, we're actually
on our way to Europe.

I'm so glad my brother
insisted we make this trip.

We really should
do something for him.

I'd like to rap him
right in the shoot.

It's 5:10 now.

Ergo, your watch should
be set ahead to 10:10.

I'll write to you.

I also suggest a sleeping pill
the first few nights.

Normally, I would say
that this is a no-no,



but in this circumstance,
it seemsustified.

Keep the faith, Donald.

I hear Athens is lovely.

- I can't wait to see the ruins.
- You like ruins?

Take a look at my business
when we get back.

Your partner'sust
as good a caterer as you are.

Sam's aerk.

He's supposed to be here.

Walter! Walter!

Where the hell
have you been, Sam?

You said to meet you
at the check-in counter.

That's downstairs.
This is the boarding area!

Only an idiot could think that this
is the check-in counter!

Walter, please.
We have lots to discuss.



Wait till I check in.

Flight 26 now boarding at gate 9.

Oh! Harold! Surprise, surprise!

Walter, say hello to Harold.

Hel-lo.

I envy you, Walter.

I'll sell you my ticket.

Yes, sir, Mr. hollander,
party of three.

You sure you'll be back
by the 20th?

We got the millman wedding
to cater, you know.

I'm not gonna blow an $8,000ob.

- I'll be back in plenty of time.
- Thank you, Mr. hollander.

Now, where do I go?

The bridegroom...
He's a space engineer.

I'm already on top of that.

I'm working on a special
centerpiece for it.

Now, I'm going to start out by making
a rocket ship out of celery.

I'm going to have a little pimento
space capsule, you know,

and it's all gonna be resting on a launch
pad made out of chopped chicken liver.

Gorgeous.

Well, they don't call me
the potato salad Picasso for nothing.

While you're gone,
we got the rendazo anniversary.

Oh, yes. That's the meatball Cuban.
It's in the freezer.

I had that for the hogan wedding.

Hogan's the Navy lieutenant.

That's the sausage gunboat.

I had that for the bernsteins.

Sausage for the bernsteins?

Oh, yeah.

“Oh, yeah.”

Flight 26 for London.

That's us! Good-bye, Harold.

Don't make any mistakes.

And don't buy anything
for that millman wedding.

And don't get any grapefruit.

Good-bye, Donald.

We got five sacks of them
in the basement.

And use those crab cakes first.

So long, Walter.

Don't forget the 20th.

What are you
waving for, you nut?

You got my bag.

Let's not argue.

Telephone Tel Aviv

tell 'em there's a DC
leaving from New York &

hold the pork &

be sure it's “yet,
oh, don't forget &

see if camp 90-90 will let &

ourunior in

he'll meet a friend

family plan all the way

and I heard the agent say

“you'd better watch
your daughter

“and don't drink the water

Athens won't be the same

what's the name
of that good book &

jonp'sand q's

js what-to-dos?

Single file in Singapore

we'll explore the more
important focal points

and the localoints

tag your bag, grab your hat &

mmm, Barcelona's where it's at

you'd better watch your daughter

but phase don't drink the water

interurban love-ins
at the louvre

jet-set flower power's a groove

yeah, and shank! They ask
about the ankle gate

yeah, tell them,
"great, don't hesitate"

“but don't drink the water”

j' in Paris, France

and uptown timbuktu

we'll demonstrate
suburban shooby-doo

we'll get by,
maybe a slip or two

a nip or two, a trip or two

but not the water

when we get back

you will see them smile I

when we unveil
our continental style

lllustrating verbal acrobats &

among the local diplomatic,
patriotic plutocrats

when they ask us how it was'

we will cool them
with our coup de grace

we'll laugh and shout
about the ins and outs

don't pout about your daughter &

yeah, you'd better
watch your daughter

but don't drink the water

yeah

Wait a minute.
I'm gonna have a nut.

How can you eat that garbage?

London, Paris,
Rome, and now Athens.

You're going to love
Athens, Walter.

First time I agree with you.

The next stop is Newark.

Listen to this.

“The Parthenon, where civilization
actually began, the ruins.”

Even your father will get
something out of Greece.

Four more days of uninterrupted diarrhea.

I'm not complaining.

I'll be back in time
for the millman wedding,

and that's all I care about.

And I'm sure that with
my excellent record here

as United States
ambassador to Bulgaria,

the party will insist
I run for governor.

And you'll make
a great governor, dad.

Your broad outlook will appeal
to psychotic liberals

as well as militant fascists...
Something for everybody.

Very funny.

But I'm still very worried about leaving
you here in charge of the embassy

while I'm in Washington.

You... you do remember
my instructions, Axel?

Yes, sir.

I'm not to leave the house, and don't
open the door to strangers.

Of course, you realize that if anything
goes wrong here,

it would ruin my chance
to be governor.

No problem, dad.

Smetena's a quiet little outpost.

What can possibly happen
in two weeks?

You were in Panama
for only two weeks,

and they hung you in effigy.

Well, it happens.

By your own embassy?

And how about Berlin?

Oh, yes, then there was Berlin.

To my knowledge, you are the only man
in the history of the foreign service

ever to wrap his lunch
in a peace treaty.

Still, it would have been nice
when vice president agnew dropped by

if somebody had recognized him.

Yeah, but, dad, nobody recognizes him
in America, either.

- Kilroy?
- Yes, sir?

For the next two weeks,

will you please give Axel
your full cooperation?

Don't worry, sir.

I'll be at his elbow at all times.

Axel, the only visitor
you might have

would be the sultan of bashir.

- Sultan of bapir.
- Bashir.

- Bashir.
- Bashir.

Yeah. If he should show up
before I get back,

give him anything he wants,
anything.

"We've got a very big
oil deal cooking.

Well, uh, have a good trip, sir.

Happy landings,

and don't worry about a thing,
governor. Heh.

“On your arrival,

“you will be greeted
with a mandolin serenade

"by peasants garbed
in their colorful short skirts."

I think theyust
lowered their hemlines.

If those are mandolins
they're carrying,

I hope they don't start to play 'em.

This is your captain speaking.

We've been forced to make
an unscheduled landing.

This is smetena airport in Bulgaria.

We're awaiting clearance
and should be departing for Athens

in approximately... 30 minutes.

Hey, pal. What's going on?

We've been hijacked.

We're behind the iron curtain.

Bulgaria.

Beautiful.

The iron curtain.

An adventure.

Passengers may leave the plane
if they wish

but must remain
in the immediate area.

Let's go, Walter.

Out there? Not this apple.

I'm staying right here.

Aw, come on, daddy,

last chance to see an enslaved nation
before the tourists take over.

Walter, ust one picture so we can
show everyone we were here.

Please, darling, ust for me.

All right, in honor of Newark.

But, comrade krojack,

I had no choice!

I knew I had to get out of the U.S. quickly

when I heard the Americans
had captured lopert.

- There so you can get in the picture.
- Will you stand still?

I'm gonna get pneumonia.

- But get the barbed wire.
- Building in, too.

Lopert.

The gray fox.

Our best agent is captured,
and this is what escapes.

Are you sure of that?

They got him, all right.

Could you stand over here? You?

Will you hurry up, Marion? I've...

Who are those people there?

I don't know.

Get your men, stupid!

Did you wind it, dear?

Of course I got it wound up.

Stop!

Filthy spies! Stop!

Stop! We shoot!

Come on! Come on!

Americans!

Apple pie!

The Brooklyn Dodgers!

She means Los Angeles.

- Open the door!
- Yeah, quick.

Get in! Get in! Get in!

Kilroy.

Aah! They're gonna... aah!

Quick.

Now, let's see.
I'll need a few facts.

I'm Axel magee
of the United States embassy,

and that is Mr. kilroy
at the wheel.

Mr. and Mrs. Walter hollander, Newark,
Newersey,

and this is our daughter, Susan.

She was a cesarean.

I assume you'll be
seeking asylum.

I will not be seeking asylum.

I didn't do anything wrong!

I'm a caterer fromersey.

I'll need your passports
and some information.

Now... have either of you
ever had respiratory ailments...

Oh. That's the wrong form.

“Let's go to Miami, “ I said.

“No, let's go to Europe, “
you said.

“We can do things
in Europe we couldn't do in Miami.“

you were right.

We're going to a Europeanail!

Oh, nothing like that, sir.

I'm sure once we have the information...

Now, have you ever bought
anything on credit?

The information is very simple.

We came on this trip...

Well, it was mainly
my brother Harold's idea.

May he rest in peace.

He's not dead.

He will be when I get a hold of him.

This is crazy.

My wife shouldn't have
to go through this!

She's not a young woman!

Well, it's not much
further now, sir.

I'm an old woman?

I don't mean old. I mean,
you know, young old.

Aah! They're shooting at us!

What do you mean, young old?

I can still fit into the
dress I was married in.

Can you?

I think they're only overreacting.

Look out!

Should we go back?

We're leaving the scene of an accident.

We could get into trouble.

I don't see the truck anymore.

Well, I hope nothing
happened to them.

Hand over those spies.

They're not spies. I asked them.

I'll give you a carbon copy of the report.

They are spies. They were
in a secret area taking pictures.

Pictures of what?

Pictures of our fighter planes, stupid,
the supersonic...

Get out of here.

It's a secret. I can't tell you.

Hand them over.
We'll drag them out and shoot them.

Now... now, look. Look.

This embassy
is United States territory.

Nobody can be dragged
out of here and shot

without the written consent
of the American government.

Will you leave me alone?

My government will take steps.

Well, so will mine...
Great big steps, too.

Then we will surround
the building,

and no one will leave!

No one!

Who's this big mouth?

No one!

There's some magazines here.
Have you had lunch?

Hey, they're really setting
machine guns out there!

First, no movie on the plane,
and now this.

Well, what are you
gonna do about it?

We will lodge
a formal complaint.

Yes, we will lodge
a formal complaint.

What are you, his echo?

Uh, daddy?

It's a simple misunderstanding, sir.

How simple?

Huh. We leave the building, we get killed.

Is that simple enough?

Oh, no, no. Nothing like that, sir.

There'd be a trial first.

I take my family on a vacation,

I want to show them a nice time,

and we got this
working for our government.

And they wonder
why I don't vote.

Mr. magee, uh,
this formal complaint,

will it take very long?

- The what?
- Formal...

Oh, the complaint. Yeah... no.
I'll get on it right away.

Well, if I can be of
any assistance to you,

offer any information,

I'm at your disposal.

Oh, good, good.

Well, I'll...

I'll call in here
from the ambassador's office.

Well, are you satisfied?

Are you satisfied?

We could be in a cabana
in Miami beach right now!

Every year, it has
to be Miami beach.

What's the matter?
They need you to work the tide?

They need him to work the tide
in Miami beach.

- Bless you.
- Thank you.

Government...

Conservation, communication...

Cultural affairs.

Cultural affairs.
That wouldn't be it, would it?

No. They've got to have
a foreign office.

Ah. Foreign office, yeah.

Yeah, that... that might do it.

Foreign office.

It's best to go right to the top
in these things.

Foreign office?

Yes, this is Axel magee,

acting ambassador
of the United States,

the most powerful nation on earth,
and it... what?

Oh. Oh, all right.

Yes, I'll... I'll hold on.

They're gonna check on it.

Do you think they'll
hold the plane for us?

Oh! Wait. Ah...

This is Axel magee,

acting ambassador of
the United States,

the most pow... what?

The United States.

U-n-i-t...

E... e..

You know I'm not
the kind of a guy

to throw up anything
in your face, but... if you remember,

you were the one that wanted
to take the picture.

And I said, “Marion, it looks like
restricted property to me.“

and you said, “why?

“Because there are guards,
guns, and barbed wire?"

And I said, “yes.

“Because there are guards,
guns, and barbed wire.”

Now, this is what
I want to ask you.

Did you think it was a place

that sold guards,
guns, and barbed wire?

Yeah, United States of America.

Of America.

O.-f.

America.

A... capital a-m...

Big "a." Capital. Big 'a."

A-m-e-r...

Well, what do they say?

The regular girl in the complaint office
is on vacation.

- She's having a baby.
- Ah.

Would you see
if you can, you know...

I'll handle it.

Why don't weust
give them the camera?

Wait a minute!

Th... that's a good idea, Mr. hollander.

There's nothing on the film, is there?

Oh, that I can guarantee.

The last reel, he held
the camera backwards...

50 feet of super-8 film
of his right eyeball.

I'm not giving this camera
to anybody.

It cost me 95 clams.

Always money.

You know, that's why
they don't like us in Europe...

Always flaunting our wealth.

Mr. hollander, I think this will
settle things very quickly.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Is he the most beautiful
thing in the world?

Well, he's only
trying to help us.

Help us?
By giving my stuff away?

Is that we got
an ambassador for,

to play “queen for a day”?

Bumping, knocking... he's a nut.

Mr. krojack. Mr. krojack!

Mr. krojack, here.

Here. Come on... here.

You canudge for yourself.

Believe me, they are not spies.

They are American tourists.

Did you see the shirt
that guy was wearing?

They're spies.

Go ahead, develop the film.

It's nothing but noses.

Anyhow, they have committed
a criminal act.

Come on, now. Why all the fuss?

You spy on us, we spy on you.

Everybody knows it.

Why do we have to pretend
it's so unusual?

Ooh. You admit you spy.

Tell me, how often?

All the time. It's no secret.

Espionage goes on between
our countries every day.

Then those people are spies.

Well, what difference does it make?

Are you gonna tell me that you don't
send spies into our country

posed as American tourists?

But you do admit they are spies?

Well, what if they are?
What if they are?

That still doesn't give you the right
to enter these grounds illegally.

Is that better?

I'm telling you, you're gonna
get yourself into big trouble.

Every nation on this earth
will recognize this

as a cruel and vicious attack.

I wouldn't even be surprised
if France took our side.

Iust talked to your office.

They want you to return
immediately. Hmm.

He admitted they are spies.

Mr. magee, you didn't!

Well...

And... and I have
it all recorded right there.

Well, I... I... I suppose I did in a sense.

But you know we spy. They spy...

We do nothing of the sort!

Actually, we do. Now, look.

If we would all stop being hypocritical
and be honest for once...

Mr. magee...

Look. How can the truth hurt?
The fact is, we do spy.

Louder, please,
and talk into the button.

Don't you twist my words.

You're the one at fault here.

You come here with your soldiers
and your guns,

and then you wonder why
a brutal dictatorship gets a bad name.

Now, I'm gonna count to three...

Don't bother. I'm going.

I have what I want
in the little button.

Now, the soldiers will stay here.

And about those spies,
don't worry.

They can either come out here

or stay in there the rest of their lives.

This is great. ust dandy.

Those lunatics out there
say we're spies,

and this lunatic says yes.

Why did you do it?

I panicked. I lost control.

But what were you thinking?

I was thinking, “don't panic.
Don't lose control.”

27 years, I've been a caterer.

Built up a business, reputation.

Creative catering.

I was the first one in Newark

to make bridegrooms
out of pot cheese.

He does lovely work,
I'll say that for him.

That's not good enough for you.

You got to make me a spy.

Look. I'm sorry, Mr. hollander.

I was really only trying to calm them down.

Mr. hollander?

There's no Mr. hollander.
That'sust a cover name.

I'm really the Batman.

I'm a celery stuffer by day

and a secret agent at night.

I hide microfilm,
sneak across the border,

give enemy agents
an old karate chop.

What's with you?

Tuesdays, you have been
coming home late.

That's my bowling night!

Now you got her believing it.

Obviously, everybody's been
overreacting.

I'm sure when things start
settling down...

The only thing that's gonna settle down
is that army out there.

We're liable to be here
three or four days.

I'll... I'll...
I'll see about dinner.

I'm coming down with something.

I think is all great!

- You do?
- Yeah.

You know, it can be fun.

Some people might look upon this
as an exciting experience.

Some people bought edsels.

Well, we could be a lot worse off.

This place is beautiful.

Iust can't hang around here.

The millman wedding
is coming up,

and Sam can't handle it.

Sam is my husband's partner.
I think you'd like him.

Oh, you'd love him.
He's a mental midget, too.

I'm telling you,
Sam can't handle that affair.

All right, so he can have his son
come and help out.

He's over 21.

His son?

Who's going to dress him?

Well, we might as well
make the best of it.

I've got another bomb for you.

What about Seth?

Seth? Oh, my god!

Forgive her. She can't remember
she gave birth twice.

Seth is at camp.

Yes, and camp closes Tuesday.

What's gonna happen to him when
we're not home to let him in?

He'll be unsupervised.

He'll live in the street
and run amok.

He'll loot and rape.

You know what our son is like...

Just like your brother.

Daddy.

Well, what about you?

You know, Donald
isn't gonna like this.

Donald?

Her fiance, a very nice lawyer
with asthma,

but he couldn't come with us.

You know what I feel like doing?

I feel like going right out there...

Chichikov.

Chichikov.

Chichikov. Chichikov!

Chichikov!

Have you seen chichikov?

No, no. This is father drobney.

Father, these are the hollanders.

My children.

Chichikov is his rabbit.

Have you seen him?

I don't think so.

Damn!

Oh!

Sorry.

Father, the hollanders
came in today

very much the same way
as you did.

Are you refugees?

Refugees?

Do you know
what I paid for this shirt?

We were at the Vatican.
We know your boss.

Have you been here long?

Well, father drobney's case
is quite different from yours.

Yes.

I... am a guest
of your government.

See, I try not
to make myself a nuisance.

I have a little room
on the top floor

which I practically never leave.

But how long have you...

Listen. Why don't we all wash up?
We'll have a little dinner.

Maybe we can listen to some
propaganda broadcasts.

Wait a minute.

How long have you been here?

Well, as I say, father's case
is quite different.

How long? A day?
A week? A month?

How long?

It's been closer to...

Six years.

Six years.

Uh... do you still get paid?

Have you ever tried to escape?

My duty is to remain here

and someday lead my people
once again.

But until you lead your people,

you stay in your bedroom?

It hasn't been bad.

I, uh, practice
my hobby, magic tricks.

That's why he has the rabbit.

Pick a card.

Pick a card, any card.

Go ahead, I'm not fussy.

Oh, come on, daddy, pick a card.

Pick. Pick.

Jack of spades!

4 of clubs.

Damn!

I know. That's two.

Father also raises white doves.

Doves. White doves.

I, uh... transform them
before your very eyes.

Oh, I'd love to see your birds.

An audience!

I'll do the rings.

Magic production!

Hey! Magic!

Don't go away.

“Don't go away.”

“Dear son, I miss you very much.

“Take care of yourself,
eat slowly,

“chew your food
carefully, and go to bed early.

“Above all,
stay away from women.

“See what happened to me.”

I've waxed every floor
in this house today twice.

You ought to stick to your dusting.

Too much wax can be dangerous.

Huh! Don't you think
I know what I'm doing?

Goddamn floors.

I told you.

I know how to wax.

He doesn't know how to walk.

Yes. Good.

Comrade krojack will be with you
inust a moment.

I have ambassador magee
for you in Washington.

- Ah, Mr. amb...
- Excuse me.

Comrade krojack,

would you ask him
how the market went today?

Market? What market?

The wall street.

I got some mutual funds,
couple shares IBM.

Also, ask if the government
is going through with the antitrust thing.

Excuse me, Mr. ambassador.

Break his legs!

Comrade krojack here.

I had a talk with your son.

Yes, a bright boy.

Would you like
to hear his remarks?

You spy on us, we spy on you.

Everybody knows it.

Why do we have to pretend
it's so unusual?

Ooh. You do admit you spy?

How often?

All the time. It's no secret.

Espionage goes on between
our countries every day.

But you do admit they are spies?

Well, what if they are?
What if they are?

What's the difference?

Are you gonna tell me
that your country

doesn't send spies
into the United States?

So those people are spies.

That's about all, Barney.

Stay well, and give our best
to your aunt and uncle.

Bye-bye.

Boy, are we lucky
not to be home.

It's pouring in Newark.

What a thrill.

That was Barney brakestone.
I told him we were all right.

Did you also tell him not to meet us
at the airport in the station wagon

because we might be
six years late?

Hey, Axel.

Yes, sir?

Hear anything yet?

Ah, no, sir, not yet,

but I'm sure once they get
the film developed.

Well, what's taking so long?

You're in a communist country.

Maybe they don't have
all-night drugstores.

One thing, Mrs. hollander.

Naturally, you're free
to use the phone,

but if you could limit your phone calls
toust a few dozen.

When Nixon gets his phone bill,

he may have to cancel
the space program.

Excuse me.

Did I tell you I got the kleins?

They're going to
look after Seth till we get back.

That's the worst couple
you could have got.

Why? What's wrong
with the kleins?

They have orgies.

How do you know?

I catered one.

I've been a chef...

You know who you should be
cooking for? Castro.

But I run a million-dollar
catering business

in Newark.

L... don't threaten me,
you clam.

All right. What...
What's the problem?

Mr. hollander is the problem.

I'm trying to prepare dinner.

Every dish I name,
he wants something else.

Yeah, well, I think if Mr. hollander
requests something, you should try...

Mr. magee, we are in
a communist country,

6,000 miles
from the United States.

Where do you expect me
to find a celery cheesecake?

What did you have planned?

- Oysters.
- I don't eat oysters.

You have to eat them alive.

I like my food dead...

Not sick, not wounded... dead.

How do you live with this man?

Do you force-feed him?

I know what he likes.
I'llust fix him a chicken.

Do you have a double boiler?

No, no, no. No one is allowed
in my kitchen.

No, no. No, you'll get all
my knives mixed up. No!

Nice to know our food is being prepared
by an outpatient.

We must be missing something.

Must be missing something.

We must be missing something!

- Comrade krojack!
- What is it?

I have some information.

Turn it off. Lights!

This notebook, it was
found at airport

at exact spot where spies
were taking pictures.

Isn't that nice?
A magic showust for us.

I wish I had some popcorn.

How about a pizza?

I am ready now.

A real showstopper.

I produce two white doves
from the thin air.

If you will watch closely, please.

I didn't say it.

If it's for me,
I'm free to talk.

Hello.

Yes. Yes, this is Axel magee.

It's the secret police.

Now, they're probably calling
to say you're free to go.

Tell me, your spies,
they are comfortable?

Yes, thank you very much.
Our spies are very comfortable.

Excellent. Would you
ask the head spy, please... the fat one...

If he lost a notebook
at the airport?

Did you lose
a notebook at the airport?

Ah, yeah, yeah.

I had my notes in it
about the millman wedding.

Look. Ask him if I could
get it back right away. I need it.

Yes, he did, and he's very
anxious to get it back. He needs it.

I'm sure he does,
but I'm afraid we need it, too,

for a little while longer.

We almost have it broken.

That's right, the code.

Troop movements, weapons,
supply information.

I'll-I'll ask him.

He says it's a code
for troop movements.

Hello?

Uh, that doesn't have anything
to do with troop movements.

That's the millman
and klinger wedding.

And there are more millmans
than there are klingers

because the millmans
are paying for the wedding.

They may eat like an army,
but they're all civilians.

Oh, of course.

And this drawing of a rocket,

I see it's only a decoration
for a wedding.

Strange, isn't it,

that it happens
to be an exact drawing

of one of our spaceships?

What do you say to that?

I say I feel sorry
for your astronauts

because they're
going to the moon in tomato aspic!

Amusing. And I suppose
this gunboat you sketched

is also made of tomato aspic.

Of course not!

The gunboat's
made out of sausage!

Enough of this.

The evidence is quite clear.

You will pay for your treachery.

We are a young country.
We have plenty of time.

We will wait you out
until we get our revenge.

Remember, the ideology
of the masses will triumph.

Dirty, rotten...

Yep, guess we don't leave.

Well, why can't we leave?

Because it would be impolite.

We're guests of honor
of that firing squad out there!

No one will harm you, sir.

You are a citizen of
the United States,

the most powerful
nation on this earth.

Have that put on my stone.

Now...

If you will watch
closely, please.

- I will take...
- I'm getting out of here.

Guns or no guns,
I'm going back to America!

- Daddy!
- Wait!

Mr. hollander.

Where's my hat?

Mr. hollander, I really don't
think this is wise.

Shut up. Where's my hat?

Look, sir. I planned on
calling my father in Washington.

I'm sure he's gonna have an answer
to this whole situation.

Don't do me any favors.

I can't hang around here
six years.

I got a business to run
back home!

Maybe!

Where's my hat?

But, daddy, they still think
we're spies!

All right, let them catch me.
They'll find out I'm a caterer.

They want any information,
I'll tell them how to slice grapefruit.

There's my hat.

Mr. hollander, now, look.
You're very upset. Now, please,

why don't you get
a good night's sleep?

And I'll call my father.
We'll settle the whole thing.

Do you know whose fault this is”?

This is your fault
because this whole thing was your idea.

Mr. hollander, please reconsider.

Let him go.

Well, go on, Humphrey bogart!

Go, go. There's the door.

You think I won't?

You think I'm afraid
of those guys out there?

Oh, why should you be afraid?

They'll only arrest you
and torture you.

What's to be afraid of?

Just bite down hard
on your cyanide capsule.

Go on, dear.

Stop trying to stop me.

Go on!

Get brainwashed.
In your case, it'll probably help.

Tee hee.

You're letting in a draft.

Call your father.

Do you have
a girlfriend back home?

Well, there was this girl
I was writing to,

but she lost interest.

How do you know?

Well, for one thing,
she stopped writing.

That doesn't mean the end.

She also got married
and pregnant,

and I'm not sure in which order.

That means something.

What's he like, Donald?

I mean, the only thing
I know about him

is that he's a lawyer
with a sinus condition.

- Asthma.
- Oh, that's right.

Donald knows about everything,

like whether you should set
your clock ahead or back five hours

when you go to Europe.

Which is it?

You really don't know, do you?

No, no. No, I'm not sure.

Sam?

Sam, can you hear me?

Operator!

Operator, you cut my party off!

Well, get him back
for me, right away!

Walter, stop shouting.

You'll aggravate your cold.

They can hear you outside.

You're frightening the soldiers.

My partner, Sam Blackwell,

he caters a sweet 16 party.

I don't want to hear.

He gets a special price on the meat.

I'm not interested!

Does he go to
our regular butcher?

No, not Sam.

He's trying to buy cheap.

I'm not listening.

Six people go home that night,
and what happens?

They get food poisoning.

They're in the hospital
because he's looking for bargains.

Oh, my god, I bet they're suing.

Oh, now you're interested.

Are they?

I'm not telling you.
You're not interested.

Tell me.

J' a foggy day in London town &

Walter, you know what you are?

A sadist.

Why? A minute ago,
you weren't interested!

- I'm not interested!
- Good!

A foggy day in London...

well, are you gonna tell me?

Are you asking
if they're gonna sue us?

No, they're not gonna sue us.

We're gonna sue them...

For low resistance to tainted meat.

- Walter.
- Of course they're gonna sue us!

What do you expect
from poisoned people?

Be thankful nobody died.

Yes, Marion.

We may make that our slogan.

Hello.

Hello, Sam.
How are the children?

Let me have it. Let me have it.

Hello, Sam.

Sam, I want you to hear this.

I'm coming home, Sam,
and when I get back,

I'm gonna rent a car,

and I'm gonna run you over!

Run you right over!

You're through
in the catering business, Sam.

You're finished!

You've chopped your last liver!

Look what I found.

A little wine, monsieur?

They're your pajama tops, silly.

Yeah, but I've never
seen them quite like that,

just fluffed, dried, and folded.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Why don't you sit down?

Uh... ok.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

How did your father
sound on the phone?

Oh, same as usual... halfway between
bleak despair and outright hysteria.

Well, obviously,
I failed him again.

He said he'd work something out
and call me back.

But it isn't easy
being the son of a superdad.

A super... oh, no. No.

When I was...

When I wasust a little boy,
just a little... a little kid,

and I did something wrong,

my mother used to hit me
with a copy of time magazine...

With my father's picture
on the cover.

Every day I read the newspaper,

I read about another diplomatic
foul-up somewhere.

L... well, I haven't
minded much before.

I mean, my failures
were only hurting me.

But this time,
I'm contaminating your father's business,

your mother's vacation...

And there's Donald.

Your...

Your, uh, family... oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Your family seems to like him.

I guess you never
really know what you want.

You know, you think
you're looking for a certain type, and...

Then, all of a sudden,
something happens, and...

Are those guys still out there?

The... oh. Y-you mean,
the soldiers?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I guess so.

Why?

Danger really turns me on.

Do you know how many babies

were born out
of the blitz in england?

What's that?

Well, it's... well, you know,

just an ordinary
secret passageway.

Well, this... this mansion
was built by a Duke or something,

a man of rather large
sexual appetite.

Well, this was his bedroom,

and this led down
towards his m...

His girlfriend's.

Oh! Isn't that
my bedroom down there?

Oh. Now... now look.
I didn't assign you that room because I...

Oh, Axel, this I've got to see.

Too much!

Oh! That Duke was a freak!

Yeah. They say he used to make her
dress up likeuliet.

Then he'd come through the wall

dressed up like, uh, Romeo,

and he'd chase her around the room,
swatting her with his mandolin.

I don't dig weird sexual bags,
do you?

No, no.

My, uh, sexual bag
is quite traditional.

You might even call it obsolete.

Sex is great naturally.

Maybe you'veust never swung

with the right partner.

Susan, you all right in there?

- Susan?
- Ust fine.

Be there in a second, daddy.

Axel, get out of here.

Susan! Susan!

Coming, daddy.

Susan!

I can't move it.
I can't move it.

Susan...

Listen, everyone.

- Good news! Good news!
- What is it?

Iust spoke with
ambassador magee.

He's arranged for your release.

- Where's Axel?
- How did he do it?

Hey. What are you...

You're being exchanged
for a communist agent,

the gray fox.

- The gray fox?
- Oh, it's typical.

Every time we arrest
one of their spies,

they arrest one of our caterers.

They're sending
a plane in for you tomorrow noon.

Wonderful!

Hey, your old man
must be quite a guy.

Just think!
We'll get our suitcases.

I can change out of these shoes.

We're going home.

We're gonna get out
of here at last.

Only for the gray fox would
my government do this.

I had plans for you.

In one hour, you would
have told me everything.

The radio operatorust received

an urgent message
from Washington.

The gray fox is dead.

Dead?

Dead.

Why don't you admit that you're
a filthy American spy?

Why don't you play
in the runway?

He hung himself.

He hung him...

Shh! Krojack will be
getting word any minute.

Admit it.

If it makes you happy, I admit it.

I'm not fromersey,
I'm not a caterer, and she's not my wife.

She's a u-boat commander.

And then he's gonna
grab the hollanders.

Uh, look, we got to get back
to the embassy fast.

I'd like to break you
in two pieces.

Don't try anything, buster.

We're all black belts in karate.

Hey, oh, whoa!

I'd kill you with my bare hands.

Don't move, or I'll blow you to pieces.

You're bluffing.

Try me, hotshot.

That's a finger.

It only looks like a finger.

It happens to be
a flesh-colored .45

with two knuckles, aoint,

and a little hair.

Mr. hollander, your wife
would like to see you.

You will pay
for your little game.

How? Are you forgetting
the gray fox?

Who's he trying to kid?

Someday, I will have my chance.

Your cockamamie threats
don't frighten me.

The gray fox is dead.

I've got you over a barrel,
and you know it.

Dead?

We... we got to get
back to the embassy.

Well, it was nice
talking to you.

Nut of a gray fox has to pick
today to hang himself!

If I could get my hands on him,
I'd kill him!

I'd better call
Barney brakestone.

You better call Seth, too.

Tell him to go ahead
with his applications

to the foster parents' home.

What makes a man
want to kill himself?

What do you expect
from the gray fox?

Is that a name
for a grown-up person?

Hey!

At least he's dressed properly.

Excuse me. Could someone
help me out of this, please?

Don't pay any attention to him.

I think it's marvelous
a man of the cloth

has a hobby besidesust god.

Hello? Yes, operator.

Fine.

Sam Blackwell's calling.

Ask him if it's still raining.

Hello, murderer.

Have you poisoned
anybody lately?

Oh, Walter, be nice.

We all make mistakes.

No. I'm not still here.

I'm in Puerto Rico.

I'm having a mintulep
underneath a palm tree.

Of course I'm still here!

Who do you think
is talking to you?

What?!

Two more keeled over?

They're dropping like flies?

What do you mean
you can't talk anymore?

Their lawyersust walked in?

Goodbye, Sam.

He's wiped half
of Newark county.

Have faith in the lord, my son.

I have faith, father,

and if he's listening now,

please crush
Sam Blackwell's head.

Well, if I'm through
as a caterer, I don't have to worry.

Iust found a new business.

I'm going to apply
for the straitjacket concession

in this madhouse.

What are you doing
with the stove?

- Stove?
- Yes, a porcelain stove.

You don't think
Bulgaria has central heating.

I've been mailing letters in it.

No wonder I didn't get
any answers.

Walter.

She's kissing a failure.

Well, it's her life.

All of a sudden, it's goodbye
to a successful lawyer

and hello to a psychotic diplomat.

It's not up to us, is it?

I know that, Marion.

All I want is the right thing for her.

Well, what is the right thing for her?

What I tell her is
the right thing for her, that's what.

Get away.

Susan!

Come up here
and stop that funny stuff!

He sounds angry.

I'd prefer her to go
with that draft dodger.

At least he was a success.

He beat the draft.

Had toump off the roof to do it,
but he beat it!

Oh, listen, Susan.
I had an idea.

Now, the sultan of bashir
is coming here today.

- Sultan?
- Yeah. The sultan of bashir.

He's a very influential man.

Now, I can ask him to intercede
with the police for your release.

Wonderful. Dad will love that.

Yeah. Ok. Would you tell him?

I got to go and change
into something more formal.

Oh, welcome, your majesty.
Welcome indeed.

Won't you step into
the ambassador's office?

I'll get Mr. magee immediately.

And sit!

Who's that...
Lawrence of Arabia?

How do you do, sultan?

Sultan? How do you know him?

Are you ignorant?

It's the sultan of bashir.

What do you do,
hang around the un. Building?

I saw his picture in playboy.

I am here to see
ambassador magee.

Won't you have a chair?

Can I take your sheet?

I hope you didn't have trouble
with the police getting in.

They wouldn't dare.

That's great.

This clown's running
around in an awning

in and out of our embassy.

I'm a citizen, and I'm stuck here.

Daddy, listen. I, uh... oh.

This is my daughter Susan.

She graduated third in her class.

Well, charming.

You know, I am thinking
of adding an American girl

to my harem.

Adding? What do you mean adding?

Marriage, of course.

You see, I'm a man of few words.

I happen to be a man
of few words, too...

Drop dead.

No one speaks to me
like that! No one!

Listen, you sand clam!

Your highness,
Mr. magee will be...

I demand a formal apology
from your government!

- You'll have it.
- Who do you think you are?

A big shot because you own
some oil Wells or something?

You're nothing but
a cockamamie nut!

Please, Mr. hollander, please go!

Me go? Let him go.

I pay taxes for this place!

Did you fill out
a 1040 form last year?

Mr. hollander, we have business!

Who is this person?

Iust happen to be a little Mr. nobody
from Newark, Newersey,

but I don't like the idea of my government
doing business with sex maniacs!

You may consider
relationship with us at an end!

But, your highness!

Good bye, fatso.

Oh, boy.

Well, at least things
can't get any worse.

Tonight, we have a spontaneous
protest-demonstration-type deal.

Follow the schedule exactly.

At 7:00, all of those whose initials
begin from “a " to “m,"

form in front
of the American embassy

right here with your posters.

Show the posters.

Now, make sure that the posters
are facing the newsreel camera.

7:30, begin the chanting.

There are three approved chants
on top of page two, such as...

“Down with the senseless,
imperialist aggressors.“

see if the boys can punch that one up
a little bit, please.

All right. 8:00,
your ranks will swell.

Group “n " to “z" burning in effigy
the American spy.

This will be the effigy
of the American spy.

However, the Valiant
police line will hold firm.

This will only increase the righteous
indignation of you students.

You got that?

Now, I want to see
some raised fists

and excitement out there for a change.

This will in turn cause the police
to overreact,

make some arrests,
and club one of the students

into insensibility.

We'll use punchy zwerken again.

Where is he? There he is.

Punchy, you think you got
another one in you?

All right. 8:30, start throwing
rocks and sticks

through the embassy windows.

Did everybody remember
to bring their rocks and sticks?

Well, when you go home, remember
to bring back your rocks and sticks!

You can't make
a protest like this.

All right. Now I want to see some
real good wall swarming tonight,

and I don't want to see
the soldiers helping

to boost everybody
over the fence

the way they were doing
on that British embassyob.

If you can't swarm by yourself,
you don't belong in this profession.

Finally, the big payoff.

Here I want to see
15 solid minutes

of good running amok.

I want to see some
constructive vandalism tonight,

something creative for a change.

Then the police move in,
restore order, everybody out.

Any questions? No questions.

All right. Mishkin,
I want a word with you.

You will do something for me.

You will throw that
in the embassy window.

A bomb?

They wouldn't have a chance.

Has this been ok'ed by upstairs?

Never mind upstairs.

I ok, you throw.

Right in the belly!

10, 20, 30, 39, 46.

Here they come.

Oh, it'sust
another student demonstration.

It's nothing.

It doesn't bother me.
Since I got my suitcase back,

I'm a new woman.

Will you please discard?

I mean it. With comfortable shoes,
I can face anything.

Just play your card.

We're only gonna be here six years,

and I'd like to finish a game
before we leave.

Mr. kilroy doesn't
seem very concerned.

Yeah. Well, he hasn't
had my experience.

I know what it's like
to be stoned and spit on,

and believe me,
those guys are stoners and spitters.

Walter, come quick.

They've got a cloth dummy
that looksust like you,

and they're burning it.

And big, ugly signs calling us
all kinds of names.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones,

but names will never hurt me.

Walter, they have
sticks and stones!

Look. I'm gonna call krojack,

and I'm gonna protest.

Burning in effigy?

Running two minutes late.

By the way,
how did the chanting go?

I mean, that's
absolutely unthinkable!

Burning in effigy!

Unthinkable!

Never fear.
The police will handle it.

See there?
They're making arrests.

I'd say it's practically
all over now.

Yeah, and I'd say
we should be in the cellar.

Nonsense! We're Americans!

It's our duty to show them
that we cannot be intimidated.

- They're trying to hurt us!
- Don't panic! Don't panic!

Everybody remain calm.

Now panic!

What have you got
in mind for next year, the gaza strip?

What's this?

It's an inkwell.
What do you think it is?

Don't yell at your
only daughter, Walter.

How could she know?
She grew up on ballpoints.

Let's go see the fun.

Comrade krojack, you must stop mishkin
and the bomb.

Weust got a report on the spies.

They're not spies.

- Not spies?
- Not spies.

- Not spies?
- Not spies.

- Not spies?
- Not spies.

He is a caterer like he said.

Completely innocent.

- Positive?
- Positive.

What is the difference?

We'll get them anyway.

I think they've broken through
the outer gates.

But they won't
get inside, will they?

On my waxed floors?
They better not.

It sounds like it's all over.

God bless
the brutal secret police.

Hey. What's this?

Hold it!

Careful.

It's a bomb.

Stop!

Don't move.

Don't put it down.

Can I get up?

Careful, easy.

Take it.

I'm sorry. I can't.

The... the slightest
jar of that thing,

this whole place is
gonna go sky-high.

Walter, keep calm.

Now I'm gonna try
and dismantle it.

I've had experience
with these things.

A lot of experience?

Some.

Now I'm gonna need a screwdriver.

What size?

Move your feet.

Well, I brought these along.

I heard about
the plumbing over here.

A... a medium. Small, small.

I want everybody
to leave the room.

Kilroy, will you get...

Will you get back here
and take the ladies out?

Well, let's go.
You heard what he said.

I can't move.
I'm not allowed toar.

Come, ladies. There's no sense

in all of us being
torn limb from limb.

You go, Susan.
I'm staying with your father.

We came on the family plan.

We'll go that way.

Get out of here, Marion.
You're making my thigh itch.

Please, Mrs. hollander.

Now go ahead, screwdrive.

I sat with him through
two weeks of the mumps.

This couldn't be any worse.

Stop trembling.

Walter, don't hold that
so close to your stomach.

I think I'm going to belch.

Dear, have a tummy.

Would you hurry up?

Would you, plea...
Walter, be patient.

I got to go to the bathroom.

Would you hold this?

It's disarmed.

You can relax, sir.

Are you quite sure
that thing is completely safe?

Completely safe.

When it comes to bombs...

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Come in.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Did you sleep all right?

Naw. I was up most of the night

just waiting for another explosion.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

If only my father were here.

He'd know what to do.

Axel, why couldn't
we plan an escape?

Axel, we can do it.

Susan, you're nuts.

I know we can do it!

No. Ten minutes
after you try to escape,

I can picture krojack
wearing your father's shirt.

But they'll never catch us.

Susan, look. An escape requires

timing, coordination,
and good physical condition.

Your father gets out
of breath if I ask him to pass the salt.

Axel, for once, take the initiative.

Don't let things happen to you.

Susan. Together, we can do it.

Wait a minute, Susan.
Will you be reasonable?

I'm with the foreign service,
not the CIA.

That's it.

The CIA.

Look. If you're talking
about a escape,

you're talking to the wrong guy.

I don't escape.
That's not my field.

When I enter a place, I stay.

You are a coward!

That's what you are!

You are a coward!

Marion, have you ever
seen a man with a hernia

run from a tank?

You want your daughter to get back
to Donald, don't you?

Bring on the CIA.

I handle the local CIA around here.

Go ahead, Mr. mirik.

Well, I think we're
gonna need identification

for a party of three.

Uh, let's see. We have...

Three bandini” brothers, acrobats.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Mr. and Mrs. ohn Randall and son.

Our son happens to be a girl.

Walter, don't make trouble.

Well, youust dress her like a boy.

Ok. You are
the Randall family now.

Here's your passports.
You have identification,

all other pertinent information,

you know, stuff like that there.

Well, how do they get out
of the embassy building?

Well, I figured
a perfect setup would be

you'd throw a diplomats party
in there tomorrow afternoon.

Aha. Ok. I'll arrange that.

Tomorrow afternoon? I'll have
to start dusting right away.

And when the guests start leaving,
you slip out with them.

We take it from there.

Ok. I'll get the invitations out
right away.

- It soundsust perfect.
- Right.

Well, Mr. hollander?

Now do you feel more secure

about the United States government?

Ahem.

All right now. ust once more.
Who are you?

I'mohn Randall,
I live in Washington, D.C.,

and I work for the department
of the interior.

I'm married,
and I have 4 children.

I was born in Milwaukee,
Wisconsin.

I went to school in California
and majored in agriculture.

I entered the government
under Roosevelt.

Who's gonna ask me
these questions?

Mr. hollander, if you're stopped,

your answers must be consistent.

Nobody's gonna believe I'm
Sam Willard.

John Randall.

What are you doing in Europe?

I'm making a tour.

We're going all over Europe
and see all the stuff.

I'm on a tour.

You can't wear the gray.

You better wear
the dark blue flannel.

Blue is for parties.

Gray here is for escaping.

I'm wearing the gray.

What are you doing in Europe?

And I'm his lovely wife Carmen.

I'm also the former miss Wisconsin
of 1948.

They believe that,
we win the cold war.

Where are you staying?

The grand hotel for a week,
and then we fly to Malaysia.

Walter, I am telling you
the blue suit.

I'm wearing the gray.

All right.

You don't dress, I don't escape.

My girdle's killing me.

So is mine.

Have you ever fired a pistol?

A pistol?

How often is there a gunfight
in the catering business?

It's really quite safe.

It can't possibly fire
unless you pull that trigger.

Boy, that's a beauty.

I don't think
he should carry that gun.

They're dangerous,
and he doesn't know how to use one.

I know how to use one.

When did you ever use a gun?

Plenty of times. Don't worry.

When?

I want to carry it.

If he carries that gun, I don't go.

Marion, why do you
want to put a damper on everything?

All right! All right! Take it,

but if you're gonna kill yourself,
don't come crying to me!

All right, now. Look.
The last step.

What do you do
when you leave here?

Well...

We get into the Randall car.

The chauffeur takes us to the park,
the CIA man meets us there.

The password is
“the grass is green.”

Right, right. Ok.

Ok. Now we'll meet
in my room when it's time to go.

Good luck.

You dirty rat.

The blue flannel.

All set?

People are starting to leave.

It's time.

- Where's Susan?
- Well, I...

Susan! My son!

My god!

Oh. The dirty...

I think we're getting
out of hereust in time.

Well, y-you head for the office.

He'll... uh, she'll follow.

Remember, you're a boy.

Act like one.

Uh, Mr. magee.

That's the state department
for you.

You know, Walter,
I can tell you're carrying a gun.

Never.

There's a big bulge
around your middle.

That's the way I'm built.

That's not the way you're built.
You don't have a handle.

Will you leave me alone?

Walter, people
are staring at your bulge.

Foggy day in London town

we haven't met, have we?

Oh. I'mohn Randall.

I'm from Washington, D.C.

I work for the department
of the interior.

I'm married and have 4 children.

I was born
in Milwaukee, Wisconsin,

went to school in California,
majored in agriculture.

I entered the government
under the Roosevelt regime.

My name isohn Randall.

And I'm his lovely wife Carmen.

- How do you do?
- Charmed.

Yasin kasnar here,

and this is countess wilhelmina bordoni.

Charmed.

This wine is extraordinary.
Have you tasted it?

No, I haven't.

Rather diffident and ethereal.

Wouldn't you say so, Mr. Randall?

Well, I'd say that
the bouquet was subtly demure

and playfully articulate.

I got that from a bottle of ketchup.

Charming.

How long have you been here?

- Two weeks.
- Three day...

- Three days.
- Two week...

We've been here
two weeks and three days.

- We're staying at the big...
- I'm at the strand hotel.

- It's very nice.
- 1 don't like it.

We... it's getting late.

We must be going. Come, Walter.

Walter?

Uh... oh. Isn't that amusing?

She doesn't even know my name.

- It's Sam Randall.
- Ohn.

Yes. ohn Sam.

Back in Washington,
that makes for a lot of trouble.

They get my name mixed up
with lyndonohnson,

you know, ohnson, Samohn.

Well, let's be going.

We're off to afskhanistan.

Tunisia.

Yeah. Afskhanistan, Tunisia.

- Well, let's go, Marion.
- Marion?

I'm his lovely wife Carmen.

- Charming.
- Yes, goodbye.

Well, Marion, this is it.

Walter, if anything happens,
I want you to know...

Oh, stop talking about that.

What's the worst
thing could happen to us?

We get caught. Big deal.

They give us a fast trial,
torture us a little bit.

All we have to remember to do

is to bite down hard
on that cyanide capsule.

Marion, have I ever let you down?

I know I'm not the easiest man
in the world to get along with.

As a matter of fact,
you might be amazed,

but there are plenty of women
who might think I was unpleasant.

- No!
- Honest.

Mrs. hollander,
I'm the luckiest guy alive.

Everybody set?

Ok. Now, remember,
once you're past the guards,

don't stop for anybody.

Ok. Let's go.

Good evening. Lovely party.

Oh, Mr. hollander.

Oh, no, no. I mean, Mr. Randall
of Milwaukee.

And his lovely wife Carmen.

We wereust leaving.

But I don't see how
you can be leaving, madam x.

You see, we have taken your car.

Ow! Dad!

Dad, listen.

Krojack broke in here,
and he's trying to take...

He didn't break in.
I invited him.

You invited him?

You are the hollanders, I presume.

That's right.

Yes, and this
is my lovely son Susan.

Oh, he's really a girl.

Our other boy's at camp tonawanda
until Tuesday.

You'll be happy to learn
that we've completed

arrangements for your release.

Now you're talking.

Arrangements? What arrangements?

In the interest ofustice,
they'll stand trial.

They'll be given
a heavy sentence.

I will intervene.

It will be changed to a severe reprimand
and a token sentence,

30 days at the most.

30 days?

- 30 days?
- 30 days?

There are some waivers
they'll have to sign.

30 days?

Dad, you can't do this to...

Axel, stay out.
This is a fair deal.

Krojack gets credit
for the arrest,

and he gives me back
that tape recording,

and he's also agreed to attack me
viciously in the press.

Now that alone will win
the governorship for me in a landslide.

Yeah, but, dad, what
about the hollanders?

They got the millman wedding,

Seth is in camp,
and Donald is waiting.

Oh. What's 30 days to them?

Let me get this straight.

You're gonna turn us
over to him?

Mr. hollander, it was not
an easy decision.

On the one hand,
we want to protect you,

and on the other,
we must protect

the best interests
of the United States.

I thought they
were the same thing.

I'm afraid you don't
understand these matters.

No, but I'm beginning
to understand.

You guys are beautiful.

You make all the goofs,
and someone else pays.

Mr. hollander, you've caused us
enough embarrassment.

Embarrassment? Is that
what we were to you,

an embarrassment?

That's quite enough!

Now I'm ordering you fo...

Ordering? You're ordering me?

I think you got things backwards.

I'm a taxpayer.
I don't work for you.

You work for me,

and if you were working
for me as a caterer,

you wouldn't last
through the first course.

If you're quite finished,
I have a police wagon waiting outside.

Walter, your bulge,
it's worse than ever.

Now you stand
right where you are.

Oh, here's that
grimy little finger again.

Wrong again, buster.

Now get in that closet.

We're getting out of here.

Move!

Reason with him.

- Dad, I can't.
- Don't argue!

For once in your life,
do something right!

Yeah. Yeah, I think I should.

Will you get out of there?

What a team! Whoo!

All right.
Let's get out of here.

In what? They took
the randalls' car.

- That's right.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There's krojack's paddy wagon.

Look. I can put this on
and pretend to be him...

Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute.

That's no good.
I don't speak the language.

We'll never get past the guards.

I'm coming along
to see that your rights are protected.

Mr. ambassador?

- To where?
- People's park,

to look for an organ grinder.

- They're not here!
- They're not here?

- The bus!
- The bus!

Good afternoon, Mr. hollander.

You will proceed
to the interior railroad station.

Your contact there
will be the ticket agent.

This tape will self-destruct
in five seconds.

You know something?
I think this sofa

would look better over here.

We must be at the grand hotel.

Oh, isn't that nice?

The ambassador came
down to see us off.

Get back!

It's a trap. They got us.

Oh. We almost made it.

Wait. Wait a minute.
I got an idea. Come on.

Come here.

Have my wives come down yet?

No, sir, but their luggage
is in the luggage room there,

and your car's ready out front.

Sultan. Excuse me.

Would you come over here?

All right. Now what do we do?

We lost our contact.

Look!

There must be an airport near.

A plane! We got it made!
We got it made!

Where? Where?

There doesn't seem
to be any airport.

I can see that.

What now?

I don't know. There's hardly any
gas left in the car.

Zorkie, zorkie, zorkie.

This is where I was supposed
to escape six years ago.

I was told go to a little red barn.

A red barn?
Well, that's a red barn.

It's a red barn!

Hello, buddy.

Where was you?

I've been waiting for six years.

How many can you take?

Two, maybe three at the most.

You three go.

Let Susan stay here.

My daughter stay
here and go toail?

Well, no, sir, not necessarily.

She could have
complete immunity...

As the wife of a diplomat.

What? Susan marry you?

You got to be
some kind of a nut!

Wait a minute. A ring.
We need a ring.

I got one.

Come on! Hurry up!

Hold that.

Oh, thank you very much.

Start, start.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

“Dearly beloved.”

Ah. Dearly...

Well, congratulations, kids.

Thank you, dad.

- And good luck.
- Thank you, sir.

She's gonna need it.

All right, flash.
Up, up, and away.

- Does your plane have a radio?
- Yes.

Good. You can wire
your silverware pattern.

Bye, mommy.

Well, we made it.

Not yet, buddy.

We are losing altitude real fast.

We've got get rid
of all excess weight fast!

All right, Marion, unload.

Oh, Walter.

Unload!

Don't drink the water