Don Quixote of La Mancha (1987) - full transcript

(upbeat Spanish music)

(church bells ringing)

- Oh, no Dapple, you still haven't got it right.

Try it once more, please.

(donkey neighing)

- Ah, good morning, Sancho.

I see you are trying to teach Dapple another new trick.

- Oh, good morning to you, Don Quixote.

Yes, this a trick of numbers,

Dapple's very smart with numbers, observe.

Ready Dapple?

Now what is the sum of two plus two?

Do you have the answer?

(Dapple braying)

Excellent, the sum of two plus two is?

(Dapple scraping floor)

Oh come on now Dapple, only one more.

(dramatic music)

- Oh yes, um, very interesting, Sancho, very interesting.

Now, I have important work for you to do.

- That's what I was afraid of.

Oh yes Senor, there's absolutely no work I am afraid of.

- Good, this afternoon a lawyer from Madrid

is coming here to La Mancha,

to read last will and testament

of my late revered grandfather, Don Gregorio.

- Oh my sympathy, Sire.

I heard that you had buried

the eminent gentleman last week.

- I had to bury him, he was dead, you see.

- Oh, I see.

- My cousin, Don Felipe del la Vega

and his wife Donna Isabella,

will be coming here to my home for the reading of the will.

- Donna Isabella, the one who behaves

and looks like Atilla the Hun, except for the mustache?

- Atilla the Hun didn't have a mustache.

- No, but Donna Isabella does.

- That will be enough Sancho.

I want you to wait by the gate,

to greet them when they arrive.

(easy music)

- Dapple, why weren't you and I born rich

instead of just cute and cuddly?

Then we wouldn't have to be standing out here

waiting for Atilla the Hun and her mustache and her husband.

(easy music continues)

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

(horse grunting)

- Stop! Oh horse, whoa.

- Halt, you stupid beast. I command you to halt, at once.

(horse exhaling heavily)

(horse neighing)

- At last, the carriage of Don Felipe and Donna Isabella.

From what I know about Donna Isabella,

I expected her, to arrive on a broom.

- Felipe, don't just sit there like a frozen mullet,

that you are, open the door for me, numbskull.

- Uh, yeah, yes my dear.

- Poor Don Felipe, is a frightened little mouse of a man,

of course, with a wife like Donna Isabella,

a tiger would be a frightened little mouse of a man.

(tiger roars)

- Aaaaiy

- Be careful, you clumsy oaf.

(umbrella thuds)

(Felipe squeals)

- I am surprised that you don't trip over your own feet.

- Yes my dear.

- Clumsy ox.

I often wonder why I ever married you.

- So do I, my dear, so do I.

- Well welcome Senora, Senor.

My master, Don Quixote,

extends the hospitality of his home to...

- Yes, yes, nevermind the boring speech.

Just tell us where the will

of our beloved sainted grandfather is to be read.

We're anxious to learn

how much of his beloved sainted estate, we,

his favorite grandchildren, will inherit.

- Oh, the reading of the will,

is to take place in the study Senora.

Don Quixote and Don Alfonso, the lawyer from Madrid

are already there waiting for your arrival.

- And to my illustrious grandson Felipe

and his wife, Isabella,

I bequeath my precious collection

of beetles and butterflies.

- Beetles and butterflies, yuck,

how dare the doddering old nincompoop

disgrace us in this way.

- Uh please Senora, there is more in the will.

- Yes, please dear, sit down.

- When I want your spineless advice, I'll ask for it.

You may proceed, Senor lawyer

and please go quickly to the part,

where we inherit, everything.

(lawyer sighs)

- And my prized collection of jewelry, stones and gems.

- Aaah, good, our jewelry at last.

- And my prized collection of jewelry, rare stones

and gems, I bequeath to my kind, loving grandson,

Don Quixote of La Mancha, along with all my other estates,

livestock, currency and valuables.

- Don Quixote? Hear that? Him?

- I would like to thank my honored grandfather, uh,

what was his name again?

For uh, what did I want to thank him for?

Oh yes, yes.

- Oh the jewelry, swindled, fraud,

the will is a counterfeit.

Help, police! Oooooh.

(Donna Isabella crashed to the floor)

- Oh my, the poor woman has fainted.

(easy music continues)

- Give her water.

(hand pump squeaking)

(water splashing)

Or is it air?

- Don Alfonso, I'm her husband, let me give it to her.

- Uh yes Felipe, go ahead, you give it to her.

(water splashing)

(Isabella shrieking)

- I'm a mess, a terrible disgusting mess.

- Yes, my dear.

(upbeat tune)

- I really must say, I'm greatly relieved

that my cousin, Isabella, has recovered so quickly.

She's most sympatical,

fainting out of joy for my good luck.

A fine woman indeed.

- Uh, yes, yes, indeed.

- Ah Sire, I heard the splendid news,

that you have been stricken

with a sudden attack of great wealth, I congratulate you.

(Dapple brays)

Oh Dapple also congratulates you.

- Thank you Sancho, thank you Dapple.

(Dapple brays)

- Enough Dapple, nobody likes the show-off.

- We must learn Don Quixote's plans,

so we can make plans of our own.

Plans to get his inheritance, away from him.

- You'll think of something, my dear.

You have the finest scheming mind, in all of Spain.

- The finest scheming mind, in all of Spain?

Yes, I'd say that's an accurate estimate.

Shhh quiet, dimwit.

Do you want them to hear you?

- Sire, have you decided how you intend

to spend this delightful fortune, you have inherited?

- I have indeed. Now that I can afford it,

I intend to become a knight-errant.

- A knight-errant, how marvelous, oh how exciting,

how impressive.

Uh, what is a knight-errant?

- A knight-errant, is one who roams the countryside,

performing noble deeds, seeking danger, destroying evil,

or dying bravely in the attempt.

- Oh too bad we won't be joining you, hey Dapple?

(Sancho chuckling and Dapple braying)

- But you will be joining me.

The three of us will be leaving

first thing tomorrow morning.

- We will?

- We will.

- I'm sick.

- Felipe, I have it,

a perfect underhanded scheme,

to fleece Don Quixote of his fortune.

- I knew you could do it, my dear.

- Of course.

Now, if something unpleasant should happen

to Don Quixote on this stupid quest,

then we, as the sole surviving members of the family,

would inherit everything, true?

- True, nasty, but true.

- So, tomorrow when that simpering wimp starts his journey,

we will be with him.

- We?

Why we?

- I'll tell you, why we.

To make sure, that when he starts looking for danger,

(Donna Isabella laughing)

We are there to see that he finds it.

Very dangerous danger.

(Donna Isabella laughing wickedly)

(rooster crows)

(easy music)

- At last, the sun rises on the first day

of my glorious quest.

- I wish you good fortune, Don Quixote.

But frankly, I'm worried about you.

The quest is sure to be difficult,

with many perils and, forgive me compadre, but,

you are no longer a young man.

- I assure you there's nothing to fear

as the great cavalier Don Diego de Vaccenti once said,

what was it he said?

Or, was it his brother?

The imminent Don Carlos de Vaccenti, who said it, or,

or did they really say anything at all?

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

- Whoa! I said whoa!

Do me the honor, please, dear horse, of stopping soon.

(horse grunts)

At your convenience, of course.

All right, I'm warning you, I must stop immediately

or I will bring in my beloved wife, Donna Isabella,

(horse neighs)

to deal with you.

(ominous music)

A wise decision amigo horse.

(ominous music continues)

- Aaah, good morning, cousin Quixote, Don Alfonso.

- How considerate of you, kind cousins,

to rise and be here so early,

to bid us farewell and Godspeed on our journeys.

- We do wish you Godspeed Sir, but not farewell.

We would like to go with you.

(Dapple brays)

- Dapple, mind your manners, just because you're a donkey,

does not mean you cannot be a gentlemen.

(Dapple brays again)

- Donna Isabella, I would of course,

be deeply honored by your company,

but why would you wish to accompany me

on such a difficult undertaking?

- We, my loving husband and I,

feel that sharing the joys and the rigors of such a journey,

would bring us even closer, as cousins.

- How very cousinly of you, cousin.

- Yes isn't it?

(Dapple braying)

- Stop that Dapple, or I will trade you in for a used goat.

(Dapple mumbles)

- Then you approve cousin Quixote, we may travel with you?

You will find that our coach is most comfortable.

- Of course, you may travel with me, if you wish.

- That's good news.

- But on one condition.

- That's bad news.

Uh, what, prey tell, is this condition?

- I must pursue this great quest

precisely as a knight of old, would have pursued it,

in full armor, riding my faithful steed

and above all, enjoying no up-to-date conveniences,

such as your fine modern carriage.

- Uh, however sire, the knights squire

may occasionally rest his tired bones,

by riding in the fine modern carriage, may he not?

- He may not.

Whatever hardship is endured by the knight,

must also be endured by his squire.

- Aaah, just a thought, unhappily, a miserable one.

- Then it just agreed.

We will leave as soon as I put on my trusty armor

and saddle my noble Steed, Rocinante.

I wonder where he can be?

(horse neighing)

Of course, he's in his stable,

where else would a noble steed be at this time of day?

My, he's a clever one, isn't he? Especially for a horse.

(easy music)

(horse neighing)

It is now clear, you see, Don Alfonso,

how perfectly Rocinante, matches the description

of the illustrious stallion,

ridden by the first son of King Ferdinand the fourth.

Or was it the fourth son of King Ferdinand the first?

Or, or, fifth son of King Ferdinand the

(Rocinante snoring)

Oh dear, I wonder why that keeps happening.

Wake up please, honored friend,

our splendid quest is due to begin,

Rocinante, hello, hello there,

do you hear me? Helooo.

- Oh, Senor Knight, ohey,

there is only one way to rouse this stupid,

uh, slumbering animal, whew, urgh, observe.

Rocinante, breakfast, food, eat, yum, yum, yummy.

(Rocinante neighs)

You see Sire, in many ways,

they're exactly like your average, useless human being.

- Now, finally we are ready to begin our mission,

hail to the glorious days of chivalry.

- Hail to the knight-errant of La Mancha,

hail to a triumphant quest for all.

- [shouting in unison] A triumphant quest for all!

- Yes, we'll make it a most, triumphant quest for all,

especially us.

(Donna Isabella chuckles wickedly)

(easy music)

(crows calling)

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

(dramatic music)

(men snoring)

- Isabella, Isabella, pow,

Isabella, slam, wham, crunch,

hee he hee he.

- Felipe, wake up! Stop that mumbling before I...

Wait, outside, do you hear something?

Do you hear it?

- What, who, where, what, what, what, uh who, who, who,

where, where?

- There, see?

(easy music)

- It's a prison wagon.

(wagon rumbling) (horses hooves clip-clopping)

Those men are galley slaves,

probably being transported to a jail or ship,

somewhere nearby.

- Why are they coming after us?

I've always been polite to prisoners and galley slaves,

even though I've never met one.

Oh, what will we do?

What will we do?

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

- No, they're not coming after us,

see they're turning off,

just traveling on the road that passes here.

(kiss smacks)

- Felipe, that prison wagon has given me a superb idea.

Within a few hours, our feather brain cousin

will be engaged in a battle he cannot win.

And which we, cannot loose.

- Are you sure?

- How dare you ask.

- I lost my head.

- Almost.

(easy music continues)

(Don Quixote yawns)

- Good morning, Sancho, how did you sleep?

- Ooh.

(Sancho yawns)

Hey, I am stiff in places, where I don't even have places.

- Oooh oh, oh.

- Oh, allow me to help you, Senor Knight.

(easy music)

(rope whips though the air)

Go Dapple, Dapple pretend you are a horse.

- Slowly, carefully, pull.

(rope squeaking)

- Stop Dapple, Dapple stop.

- Don Quixote, I must speak with you.

A matter of life and death, perhaps both.

- Yes, of course, but, first I'd like to get out of ...

- I want to know, what you intend to do

about those pitiful galley slaves?

- Galley slaves?

- They must be rescued from the clutches

of that brutal jailer, before a horrible fate befalls them.

- You said jailer?

Horrible fate, what do you mean?

- Didn't you see, that shameful prison wagon,

that passed through here, during the night?

- I saw nothing, I was asleep.

- Oh forgive me.

I should have known, a gentleman with your tender heart

would never knowingly allow such a terrible wrong

to go un-righted.

- Never, but perhaps it is still not too late.

Do you remember in which direction

the beastly vehicle was traveling, when you last saw it?

- Why, yes, I just do happen to remember,

it was moving along the road, in that direction.

I'm sure you could catch up with them very quickly.

Everyone knows how your splendid steed can fly,

like the wind.

(Rocinante neighs)

- Thank you Isabella for bringing this crucial matter

to my attention.

Sancho my squire, prepare me for battle.

I shall demolish the despicable jailer

and free those poor, helpless galley slaves.

(easy music continues)

(Dapple braying)

- Don Quixote de La Mancha rides for justice.

Rocinante, charge!

(Rocinante neighs)

- I shall follow you, comrade Sire.

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

(Isabella chuckling wickedly)

- And I shall mourn you, doomed cousin.

(easy guitar music)

(indistinct chattering)

- When do we get there?

- Yeah, we have been here a long time.

- It's hot as an oven in here.

- Yeah, this stinking place is too hot.

- Quiet, the filthy lot of you.

I'm taking no chances that you'll get out,

before we reached the prison ship.

(guard chuckles)

And if any of you scurvy friends try to sneak up

and get you out...

I'll hit first, then ask questions latter.

(prisoner gasping)

(easy music continues)

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

- Forward Rocinante, we'll overtake the evil wagon.

A true knight doesn't rest until, ooh,

until, uh, whatever it is he doesn't rest until.

(Rocinante neighs)

Compadre, observe, at the foot of the hill,

the prison wagon, at last.

Beware, you disgraceful jailer, beware the wrath of a knight

who is pure in heart.

- Just as I expected, your scrawny friend in the tin suit

has been following us,

looking for a way to get you out of that cage.

Come on dog, you low down little weasel,

let's see you just try to get them out.

Urgh, attack you coward, attack.

- Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but names will never, gather any moss?

Uh, bring the rain in Spain? Uh.

You see, Rocinante, one must consider

the philosophical implications of...

(Rocinante yawns)

(Rocinante snoring)

No Rocinante, you can't sleep now,

we must attack, Rocinante, wake up.

(Don Quixote claps)

Oh dear. I have it.

Lunch, Rocinante, lunch.

Charge!

(Rocinante neighs)

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

(armor clanging)

- Sorry foolish one, I'm waiting for you.

(upbeat music continues)

(armor clanging)

You'll rust in hades

before you get these scummy galley slaves away from me.

(upbeat music continues)

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

- Hell of a good fight.

- Yes, hit him.

- Nothing like a good fight.

(Rocinante slobbers)

(flower pops)

(dramatic music)

(rock ricochets)

(prisoners cheer)

(Rocinante neighs)

- Thank you my dear imprisoned compadres,

it was a victory for right and justice.

- Yes, sure, sure compadre, just get us outta here.

- Yeah, in a hurry, the key is on the chain,

old muscle-head is carrying.

- There's nothing to fear, Don Quixote is here.

(prisoners applaud and cheer)

(easy music)

My friends, you are now free as birds.

- I'm a bird, tweet tweet.

- Ah freedom, it is magnifico.

- Hey, mucho magnifico.

- Mucho, mucho magnifico.

- Please friends, do not bother to thank me

for my brave, oh wha, what are you doing? Wha, wha, what?

- There it is Dapple, the prison wagon.

By now, el Senor Knight has surely captured it

and freed the prisoners.

Sire! We are on our way.

(Dapple brays)

(donkeys hooves clip-clopping)

(Sancho panting)

- Sancho, aren't you going to ask me what happened?

- What happened Senor?

- Don't ask.

(ominous music)

- Oh, you poor man.

How you must have suffered at the hands of those ruffians.

- I, I'll soon be all right, thank you.

- Uh, how would you like a little bit of wine,

to wash away the taste of the water?

- No Sancho, if there is any wine in this camp,

I order you to get rid of it at once.

- Oh, as you command, Sire.

(Sancho gulping)

Ah, delicious.

Are you sure you wouldn't like

just a teensy weensy taste of this?

(cavalry music)

(horse clip-clopping)

- That is the colors of the Marquisas de Montesinos.

- The Marquisa?

- I have heard that no-one is allowed to ride

in the carriage, but the Marquisa and members of her family.

- Have you ever seen such a beautiful horse?

- The Marquisa herself must be inside.

- What a handsome carriage.

- I must salute her Ladyship, help me Sancho,

to pay homage to her Ladyship, as her carriage passes by.

- If you wish, Senor.

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

(armor squeaking)

(military music)

- Welcome your Ladyship.

- And to your little daughter.

- Oh greetings from La Mancha.

(Sancho sneezes)

Some carriage.

It stirs up more dust than my uncles Jesus,

entire herd of goats.

(Sancho sneezes again)

- Bless you.

- Oh it's my pleasure.

(easy music)

(Sancho snoring)

- Oh stop whining, Felipe.

Our jellyfish cousin was lucky this time,

but it won't happen again, I'll see to that.

Don't tell me you're loosing your nerve,

you whinging coward.

- All right, I'm loosing my nerve, you whinging coward.

- What?

- Yeah, um, no, no my dear.

What I mean is, uh, oh,

all this plotting is getting too complicated.

Maybe we should just leave poor Don Quixote

and his money alone.

- And depend on you, to make a living for us?

Hah!

- I could make a living for us.

May I remind you,

that I used to be a very competent musician.

- And may I remind you,

that there is hardly a great demand these days

for weaselly little men, who can toot,

twinkle twinkle little star, on the flugelhorn.

- The tuba, the tuba, why don't you ever remember?

(camel bellows)

(mid-eastern music)

- Criminals, desperado's, assassins, they will kill us.

Felipe, do something brave to stop them.

And that's certainly the most hopeless suggestion,

I've ever made.

Please, masterful gentlemen, do not harm us, please.

I'm just a poor, helpless, frail woman.

Spare me, Senor criminals, I beg of you, spare me.

Spare him too, though it hardly seems worth the trouble.

- Senora, there is nothing for you to fear.

I am father Anselmo and this, is father Manuelo.

- Uh we are Benedictine monks, on our way to deliver

valuable gems to decorate the new cathedral

at San Luis Reign

- You see Felipe, there is nothing to be afraid of,

just as I told you.

You'd run away from your own shadow, if I didn't stop you.

- Bu, but, but those hoods you're wearing?

- To protect us from the wind and dust of the desert.

- But father, isn't it dangerous to travel

in this wilderness when you're carrying valuable gems?

- Uh, we are trained to defend ourselves

and the goods we carry for the church.

- If anyone should be so foolhardy as to attack us,

he's likely to end up with a cracked skull.

- Most interesting,

most interesting indeed.

- Gentlemen, may we offer you rest and refreshment

to help you on your journey?

- Thank you, but we don't have time.

If we don't leave at once,

we won't reach our destination by nightfall.

Adios Senor, Senora.

- Bless you my children and a safe journey.

(camels plodding)

(easy music)

- Ah hah!

Now Don Quixote's finished, for sure.

- Isabella, you wouldn't send him chasing

after those bone-crushing monks,

they'd squash him like a bug.

- Oh Felipe, go wash a camel or something.

Can't you will see I have important work to do?

- No, wait.

- Out of my way before I squash you like a bug.

(Don Quixote snoring)

Cousin Quixote, wake up!

A frightful thing is about to happen

to the Marquisa de Montesinos and her little daughter.

- What is it? Tell me.

- Terrifying news, two evil hooded men, plainly criminals,

are pursuing the Marquisa's carriage,

and they are obviously up to no good.

(mid-eastern music continues)

(camels plodding)

- Father Anselmo, do you hear something behind us?

(horse galloping)

- Yes brother Manuelo, horsemen are following us

and coming closer.

- Thieves, taking the jewels we are carrying for the church.

- We'll be ready for them.

But will make no harmful move,

until we're sure they have evil intentions.

- Aw, can't I give them one little knock on the head?

- Absolutely not.

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

(easy music)

- There they are, our enemies.

Frighten her Ladyship, will you?

Threaten harm to her lovely daughter, will you?

Sir's, you are not gentlemen.

Charge!

(Rocinante neighing)

- Senor, you have mistaken us for someone else.

(horses hooves clip-clopping)

- We mean no harm to anyone.

But I am rapidly loosing my patience with you Senor.

Fiends, now you know how it feels to fight a man,

not mere women and children.

(Rocinante neighs)

- We have no wish to fight anyone, Senor.

- If you would kindly stop for a moment,

we could explain, what we...

- You're asking for a truce, never.

We will accept only death or total surrender.

- However, that opinion is not unanimous.

(dramatic music)

- May we help you sir?

- Stay away from me, scoundrels.

(popping sounds)

(eerie music)

No, no, don't come near me, you are evil men,

the enemies of everything I believe in.

(eerie music continues)

(Rocinante neighs)

- Oh alas Dapple, here we go again.

(Dapple brays)

- Senor Knight, there is nothing to be afraid of.

Stop! Listen to me please.

(Rocinante's hooves clip-clopping)

- The enemy, avenge.

(trees shrieking)

(eerie music continues)

(Rocinante neighs)

(windmills squeaking)

On guard evil rouges, a fierce knight

prepares to destroy you.

Rocinante forward.

(Rocinante neighs)

(ogre groans)

(dramatic music)

(ogre screams)

- Master noooo.

Stop. Listen to me please.

Oh leave them alone Senor, they are just windmills.

(dramatic music continues)

(Sancho gasps)

(Dapple brays)

(easy upbeat music)

(crows crowing)

- Oh Felipe, how much longer must we go on searching

for Don Quixote, out here in this boiling wasteland.

- The monks were sure that he and Sancho had come this way.

So we will not turn back until we find them.

Oh look, something is moving behind those...

Oh no, it's only a rabbit.

- What did you expect? Nothing but rabbits and lizards

can remain alive in this wilderness.

Certainly not a useless old man, like Don Quixote.

- We're going to find him.

(easy music)

(Dapple braying)

(Rocinante neighing)

Keep watching, no one could survive for long in this heat.

- I, don't know why you're getting so upset.

If anything has happened to Don Quixote , hm, well,

it's no great loss to the world.

He's nothing but a foolish dreamer.

- Who dreams the kind of dreams we should all be dreaming.

Dreams of a better world, of better people,

of better, happier lives for all of us.

- What on earth has got into you Felipe?

You really seem to care, what happens to Don Quixote.

It's the first time in years,

I've heard you express such strong feelings,

about anything.

- Yes I do care, very much, what happens to Don Quixote.

If we all, had his courage and principle,

we would, look, we're wasting time just talking about him,

we've got to find him.

- Felipe!

- Keep looking over there, I'll look over here.

Move horse, move.

(upbeat music)

- Felipe, over there, on that hilltop.

Isn't it that peculiar little donkey

that belongs to Pancho Sancho.

- Sancho Panza.

- That's what I said, Panza Sancho.

- Yes, it is Dapple. Move horse, move.

(upbeat music continues)

(Dapple braying)

- There they are.

(Dapple continues braying)

Both badly injured,

we've got to get them to a doctor at once.

Isabella, help me put them into the carriage.

- But Felipe, we ...

- But me no buts woman, do as I tell you.

- Felipe!

(easy music)

(chickens clucking)

- Ah, Don Felipe,

could I please have another small sip of wine?

(men chuckling)

Personally, as everyone knows,

I strongly disapprove of wine, but perhaps, uh,

for medical purposes, it could be permissible.

- But of course, compadre, what ever you wish.

Wine, wine, for our loyal and courageous Squire, Sancho.

Quickly now, quickly.

What delayed you Isabella?

You know I want you to answer immediately when I call.

- Yes, my dear, oh!

Whatever you say, my dear.

- We are pleased to see the remarkable recovery,

you two gentlemen have made, in the past two weeks,

since your rather unpleasant experience with the windmill.

- That windmill will never be the same again.

(Sancho laughing)

Ah, a little humor.

- Such an experience has had, I feel,

a profound and lasting effect on the subliminal,

unconscious mind of the people who...

(men snoring)

Oh dear, oh dear.

Wake up please, all of you.

I will deliver no more boring speeches.

- Promise?

- I promise, except of course,

when the dire exigencies of the specific end,

in individual circumstances, should uh, I promise.

(everyone applauding and cheering)

- Viva, viva.

- Good for you, Senor.

- At last.

- Bravo.

(easy music continues)

(upbeat theme music)