Don Juan (Or If Don Juan Were a Woman) (1973) - full transcript

or

If Don Juan were a woman...

Did you know Bertha well?

Please God, welcome the soul

of your servant.

So that she may live for You

now that she has left our world,

and by Your Infinite Mercy,

purify her name

of the sins she has committed

in the frailness

of her human flesh.

In the Name of our Lord

Jesus Christ, Your Son,

who lives and reigns with You

in the oneness

that is the Holy Spirit

being God

for the centuries to come.

Amen.

I didn't know that Old Bertha

was one of your friends.

Not at all. I simply stopped by

to say hello.

When I came in, I saw

that you were busy,

so I waited patiently

until you were done.

I'm sorry.

"May he who has never sinned

cast the first stone..."

The Bible according to St. John.

Paul, I must speak with you.

I must see you tonight.

I am talking to you as a priest

now. Will you come?

Definitely not, Jeanne.

I haven't seen you

in over a year,

and I don't want to see you now.

The life you lead

has never interested me anyway.

- You don't want to listen to me?

- No.

What happened to my cousin?

I don't know you anymore.

Well, I know you.

I see you haven't changed.

- Are you preaching at me?

- No, Jeanne.

You'd be too happy. Preaching

is not an issue between us.

I have better things to do

than hear about your base acts.

Base acts? You use such

unfashionable vocabulary.

To each his own.

- Now get out of here.

- What if I don't?

Get out of here.

Paul, I killed someone.

Now I get it.

Are you managing

with my paperwork?

Luckily. Or else, you'd be lost.

I'm not sure. I attract money

like a magnet.

One day, my poor old father

asked,

"Tell me, Jeanne. How will

you earn a living later in life?"

Then having said this,

he had a heart attack and died.

I inherited a fortune.

You must have looked so shocked

by his question that he died.

I can't help it. Fate has always

been like a lover.

I'm still young.

For the moment, I'm rich.

Well, I'm a poor little

rich girl.

Of course, if I had no money,

I'd be a rich little poor girl.

As I was saying,

I am young and I am rich.

And I'm not such a bad-looking

woman.

You see, life is good.

Knock on wood.

Never. That would be

far too easy.

I'm telling you,

you're going too far.

Leporella, where am I going

too far to?

- You're leaving?

- Yes.

I don't need you in the morning.

- Will you call me?

- Yes.

Damn. I can't believe it.

I've got a flat.

Hang on. I can fix it for you.

Do you have a jack?

How's my little cousin?

I knew you'd come.

One, two, three, four, five.

Here you are.

Do you mind if I carry on?

One, two, three, four, five.

A bearded man.

Now who could that be?

I wonder. Must have been

an unshaven admirer.

One, two, three, four, five.

Jack of clubs.

One, two, three, four, five.

10 of clubs. That means money.

Perfect. That is just perfect,

Jeanne.

One, two, three, four, five.

King of clubs.

My businessman, who is

a bit of an accountant.

No way. This poor man

must have become a crook.

Crime pays, Father.

Ace of spades.

That's not good.

One, two, three, four, five.

Jack of hearts.

That's me dressed as a boy.

One, two, three, four, five.

I've had enough.

How's my little priest?

Can I wash my hands?

You look splendid with your

dirty paws. Like a murderer.

You'd kiss me like

that when you were 12.

One day you gave me

a bloody lip.

- Remember?

- Please.

I didn't come so we could

reminisce.

So why did you come then?

It's up to you to tell me that.

Come on.

- Did you kill someone?

- Not so fast now.

That's no way

to make parishioners confess.

You're slipping Paul.

Once upon a time,

there was Robin Hood.

In a manner of speaking.

Today Robin Hood thinks

he's a man

because he kills cardboard

villains.

What a time.

- Who's that?

- He's the champion.

And what else does he do?

He's a magistrate,

State counselor,

and university professor.

He's brilliant, austere

and athletic.

Married?

With a daughter. You interested?

- What's his name?

- Pierre. Pierre Gonzagues.

He can even shoot

3 arrows in a cluster.

- Let's go.

- Where?

Introduce me.

Pierre Gonzagues.

Pierre, a friend of mine.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

We'd like to see you

hit the dummy.

I'll try, but it wasn't part

of the program.

Putting my honor at stake

when I've already won.

- Should I hit this man, madam?

- Yes.

In that case...

Head.

Throat.

Heart.

Are you driving me home

or to a taxi?

- Where do you live?

- In a submarine.

Then I shall have

to drop you off.

Thanks.

- Is your wife beautiful?

- I think so.

Do you keep mistresses?

I'm a faithful husband.

You don't cheat on her?

I am faithful to my wife,

but I may have cheated on her.

That's what they call affairs.

Yes, affairs, liaisons,

encounters.

Do you still have a lot of

questions to ask me?

Are these... encounters frequent?

No.

- When was the last time?

- I don't remember.

You haven't asked why

I'm so curious.

All right, I'm asking.

If we made love, would it be

for the first and last time?

Certainly.

Well, I've been warned.

Well, indeed it is a submarine.

I told you so.

Do you want something to drink?

If you're offering.

I'll be offering.

Afterwards.

After what?

So I said to myself, here we go,

everything's in order, I've won.

let me show you what I do with

my champion state councilman.

He thanked me politely

for the drink

I offered him... afterwards.

He said goodbye and left

as if nothing had happened.

Absolutely nothing.

At least promise to call.

Not him. Nothing at all.

And I don't like to be treated

in the way I treat others.

I don't like that one bit.

Seducing is nothing, Father.

Conquering is the hard part.

Pierre had attracted Jeanne

because he was impossible.

He was an impenetrable fortress

and Jeanne wanted to ride high

into this forbidden citadel.

That's the way she is, Father.

It wasn't easy, you know,

considering his age,

his wife, his daughter.

I'd like to see you try.

A week later, I had been

invited over by his wife.

To be precise, she had invited

a famous writer and his date.

I was the date.

Francis, please see

if dinner is ready.

Yes, m'am.

- Do you like the house?

- Yes.

I do too.

And it's my husband's hideaway.

unfortunately,

it's going to be destroyed.

Destroyed?

The highway will run

through here.

And all this will be crushed.

Pulverized.

It's quite a funny story,

published...

- I read your latest book.

- Dad.

Thanks. It's vibrant, precise,

clear. It's...

- You almost won the Goncourt.

- Only two votes away.

Not enough friends in the jury.

Mr. President, do you think

the Russians

have left Cairo for good?

Ever since Aswan,

no more swelling of the Nile,

so no silt nor plankton.

- Hence, no more sardines.

- My husband is a general

and he's always talking

about sardines.

They're not the same.

But still if a man

is successful.

I disagree.

If a man doesn't dominate

his wife, it's not normal.

You just like being dominated.

Ladies, you're both biased.

Dinner is served.

Please come to the table.

It would be a pleasure.

So you're abandoning

your old friends tonight?

Perhaps.

What have you got up

your sleeve?

It's a secret.

So the house is to be

destroyed?

Yes.

You are welcome to come

stay with me. Just you.

Please, Jeanne.

- I'll be expecting you tomorrow.

- I won't come.

In a few years, people

will no longer vote in booths.

They'll use computers.

Note that the vote count

was only off by 0.3

during the last election.

Come on, Pierre.

You can't believe we're going

to vote by computer.

I'm completely serious here.

Excuse me.

- I see you've checked up on me.

- Me?

You found out

I had a meeting here,

and came to wait for me, right?

Three months of chasing.

Three months of stolen moments

and deceit.

So I thought to myself that

this had gone on long enough.

Time to gamble the big bucks.

Naturally, I played hearts.

And I had an idea.

After his archery competitions,

my baby bird would spend

the night alone in a small inn

to work on his files. To each

his own, don't you think

You will leave here immediately.

Yes, I will go.

Forgive me.

I'm sure now. I love you.

I know it.

You're wrong.

You have no right

to say that to me.

Look at me.

What is happening to you?

I don't know. I swear,

I don't know.

Now I knew I wouldn't lose him.

Woe betide him

who uses scandal to succeed.

I had never noticed before

that it's always woe

betide him.

Woe betide him...

Yes, they're all for men.

And why seduce

when you can destroy

I, since I am a man,

know of no other way to love.

I am a spider, you see.

So I decided to trap my victim

in the middle of my web.

I brought him to an island

in Sweden. We were alone.

Just the two of us.

I had brought a microscope

to see how he would fight.

My curiosity knows no bounds.

How is my Robinson?

Brave Friday go to see

white man,

buy supplies for at least

three days.

Robinson help Friday

carry packages.

Is good. Is good.

Meat, canned foods,

salmon, eel,

crab, shrimp, extremely

expensive French wine, vodka.

Why did you get enough

for 3 days?

Why not?

You want to go back to Paris?

You don't like our

Swedish paradise?

You drink a lot.

Especially recently.

Yeah.

You drink and you hide,

don't you?

No.

Paris.

We were astonished

to hear from a reliable source

that Mr. Pierre Gonzagues,

the renowned magistrate,

professor, civilized white man,

winner of many awards,

appears to have run away

to Sweden

with a person of the

opposite sex.

Jeanne.

Listen. This is interesting.

Naturally, Mr. Gonzague's behavior

worried his family and friends,

but from that to dropping

everything...

But, alas, he did.

Aren't you ashamed? Debauchery.

Voluptuous pleasure.

Happiness. What a disgrace.

Yes, what a disgrace.

There was a party

at the university.

Pierre didn't want to go,

as he'd given conferences there

and was well known.

- No, I won't go.

- That's your loss.

I thought he should honor me

with his presence.

If you are to know,

I'm packing my suitcase.

You'll leave when I say you can.

Not in such a hurry

to leave now?

unpack your suitcase, Jeanne.

You're right.

I was acting like any old woman.

Don't worry. I can do better.

So can I.

May the best man win.

But I warn you,

you're out of your league.

Who do you think you are?

And what if I was the one

who left? Who left right now?

Go ahead. I'm not stopping you.

No, Jeanne. Not yet.

I'll go when I'm ready.

And don't you worry either,

I'll manage.

I had revealed my true self.

Never had I been so beautiful,

yet so ugly.

They're the same thing. He had

seen me and it was too late.

He knew who I was.

He knew who he loved.

And when a man knows

these things, he's lost.

That night,

we lost sight of each other.

That night he started

following me

and looking for me everywhere.

Jeanne.

Tomorrow

he won't believe this happened.

And if the photo were to

appear... How awful.

Come on. Let's go.

SCANDAL IN SWEDEN

"Within a night he ruins

his career and his family"

- Did you ever see him again?

- His wife divorced him.

And I can't stand ex-lovers

who turn to drinking.

Even if despair drives

them to it?

That's none of my business.

If you give me absolution,

God will be angry at you,

don't you think?

Jeanne, you should never

speak of God.

I'm sorry. It's a nasty habit.

You purposely caused harm

to that man. You're a coward.

Here you go, preaching again.

Personally, I thought

it was very brave of me.

You seem to despise me suddenly.

Do you? Really?

What I think of you is

my business.

Did you see that man again?

Was he the one you killed?

I'll get it, Mom.

Let me come in.

Don't you have a kiss for me?

I'd like to talk to you.

You didn't answer my letters.

Catherine.

When I phone,

they say you're not home.

- Can I talk to you?

- No.

You have...

You have nothing to say to me?

Go away.

More champagne.

Owning property is a theft.

Excuse me, but I think property

is the individual's sole defense

against society and state...

- A brandy.

- There is liberty in France.

- Ah, liberty...

- A brandy, I said.

You speak of deputies,

but prefer to spend your time

drinking champagne.

I see you're a connoisseur.

You are the sun.

I am the moon.

Let's sing it together.

You've got to shake it.

Shake it.

- I asked for a brandy.

- No, mister.

- A brandy.

- Don't even start.

We told you yesterday

not to come back.

But I have money.

Look. Tonight, I have money.

Even if I had no money,

she would pay.

She will pay. She will pay.

She will pay.

She will pay.

You have to shake it. Shake it.

Do you hear me? You will pay.

Do you hear me? I said you will

pay and you will pay dearly.

You will pay.

Jeanne.

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- Is he bothering you?

Don't leave. Listen to me.

- Thank you.

Stay here. Stay here.

Stay here, Jeanne. Stay.

- Louis Prevost.

- Thank you.

That man was following me.

I was so scared.

- Do you know him?

- I don't think so.

This is Clara.

She's my third wife.

I'm picking them younger

and younger.

unfortunately, she's always

asleep by ten. Not much fun.

I know we don't know each other,

but still...

Haven't we met somewhere before?

Possibly.

I've been there before.

One day, I asked Louis

what he was buying.

He said, I don't know.

I never see the merchandise.

A businessman does business.

That's it.

And he likes flowers.

Last year, we celebrated

my birthday in Madrid.

It was even worse.

Louis is a bit of a savage.

But I think all men

are that way, aren't they?

No, I was civilized.

Yes, but you're not...

A man?

I was a man in another life.

- What were you talking about?

- Nothing. About horses.

I was saying I bought

Barbarella lll in Deauville...

Oh, sorry. For $350,000.

- Tell me, do you like skiing?

- I love it.

- Do you like Gstaad?

- Yes.

Because I have

just bought myself a chalet.

Was this a long time ago?

Not so long.

Around 400 years ago.

It was wonderful in Spain

back then.

I was rich, noble, brave,

and seduced every woman.

It must have been fascinating.

I was young.

I died when I was 30.

People did die young back then.

Know the story about

the scorpion?

I don't think so.

There once was a parentless

scorpion...

Men today have become

an endangered species.

What a shame. What a burden.

Burden?

Now women have to do

all the work.

- It's true though.

- What a story.

So you're sharing secrets?

May I know?

Clara was saying

you're a bit of a savage.

Absolutely true.

Will you excuse me?

That's how savages behave?

I'm terribly frightened.

You are strong,

mean and horrible.

A cannibal.

That too?

One day, I'll eat you.

I just love French cuisine.

Clara.

Aren't you ashamed?

She wouldn't dare.

You are such a man.

Louis, I have decided

to accept your invitation.

I'm coming to London

with you and Clara.

But we won't go by plane,

we will take the ferry.

- The ferry?

- Yes, it's a fancy I have.

- Were you sleeping?

- As you can see.

And you? Are you sleepwalking?

I am in my bed dreaming

about you.

Don't forget you are dreaming,

Louis.

- And if I were to wake up?

- Not now. A little later.

You'll see.

I just love living in London.

Good night.

Aren't you sleepy? Me either.

You know what we're going to do?

He's a pedophile.

Did you hurt yourself?

No Coke. No barley water.

There's nothing on this tub.

Here.

Try to be sexy

with your shitkickers.

Breaking and entering.

What's the penalty?

- Is this your first crime?

- Yes.

Here you go. You'll fall

in the category

of extenuating circumstances.

Be erotic...

Isn't what I'm doing

erotic enough for you?

Oh, that's not bad either.

Good background. Great stride.

And a real dream in bed.

Been after me since Paris.

I almost had her on the ferry,

but I was too exhausted.

I prefer big beds anyhow.

- Tonight?

- Maybe.

- The photo's blurry.

- My wife took it. She moved.

Madame isn't answering.

- I am not answering.

- Now you understand.

Clara.

Jeanne, was this

little m?nage ? trois your idea?

Do you know this will be

a first for us?

- What's he saying?

- I don't know.

I'm not against the idea.

On the contrary.

I think it's a great idea.

You think we should?

You're not chickening out,

are you?

You all right?

Ladies...

- What are you doing?

- We're getting dressed.

- Where are you going?

- We're going for a walk.

What are you doing dressed

like that?

What were you thinking?

Are you coming?

You bitch.

- Louis, we're going out.

- Take your clothes off.

Take your clothes off.

You are revolting, Louis.

I knew it.

The first time

I laid eyes on you,

I saw you were revolting

and ridiculous.

Bitch.

How could you possibly think

for a second

that I was interested in you?

You didn't understand that it was

all a matter of possessing you.

That's all it was.

To possess you through Clara.

You didn't understand that.

Go ahead. Go on.

Are you a man or a mouse?

You slut.

Don't worry, Prevost.

She's all yours.

Gentlemen.

Not bad.

And you, my cousin.

Have you ever hit a woman?

Not with these hands.

You made a fool of a man

through his wife.

You made him look ridiculous.

Maybe you're the one

who drove him to be revolting.

No, he already was.

I was just making sure.

Why do you always seek

to discover

the most vile aspects

of everyone?

Why show them their weaknesses?

That is the real sin, Jeanne.

It's worse than murder.

I can't win with you.

For once, I did a good deed.

I ridicule some jerk and you

judge me. It's discouraging.

I don't feel like admitting

my real crime now.

- You locked the door?

- Yes.

- Give me the key.

- No.

Come and get it.

Don't be scared.

I'm only a woman.

I'm not scared.

Men are all cowards.

So are you, Paul.

You're backing away

from me now.

Jeanne, stop playing.

Be careful.

Give me the key.

Get out.

You are a monster.

A monster? Yes, that's true.

I have done many

horrible things.

If I wrote a book of memoirs,

it would be censored.

It would be a thick book.

And a long one.

With adventures that are

totally inane, but true.

If only you knew...

I seduced all of you, Paul.

Every one of you.

Now I'd like to throw you all

into the Seine

and let her carry you away

with my memories.

Jeanne.

Did you kill someone?

Yes or no?

Yes, I think so.

No, I'm sure of it.

It was bound to happen. And it

could only have happened to me.

Did you sleep with him?

No.

Good.

We're making progress.

And yet he loves me.

He has loved me for a long time.

And you turned him down. Why?

The more I know men,

the higher the price.

- Which price is that?

- Mine.

I am becoming exorbitant.

There you go.

You're talking like a...

Like a whore?

On the contrary, girlfriend.

Why don't you go pay the bill

instead of talking shit.

- Another?

- Yes.

- What do you want?

- Whatever you want.

- Do you love me?

- Yes.

Do you want us

to make love here?

Are you ready to give up

everything?

Yes.

- Life?

- Is that all?

That is nothing.

Is that all you want?

I called an ambulance,

but it was too late.

I didn't want him to die.

It was just a game.

I didn't want him to.

- Is this the truth, Jeanne?

- Yes.

I didn't want him to die.

Please, Paul. I am begging you.

Don't leave me. I'm despicable.

- I'm scared.

- What are you scared of?

Will I be punished?

I don't know.

I'm not the judge.

I don't want to be weak.

Even if I lied.

Even if I murdered.

Even if I love you.

Jeanne.

I've been waiting for you.

What are you looking for?

Dough. I gave it all to

the cabby. Pay for me, will you?

Listen, I saw him around

your place again yesterday.

It's the third time I've seen him.

He has a right to walk around.

- Be careful.

- Of what?

I don't know. You have to...

There he is. Don't move.

It's Pierre.

He's calling you. Don't go.

- I'm going.

- Are you mad?

What did he want?

A meeting... Tomorrow at 9 a.m.

Where? Here?

No. Where I know.

Where you know.

You won't go.

I have to. I swore.

You won't go. You're lying.

I almost never lie.

You're crazy.

Don't go. He'll kill you.

He's a ghost.

I don't believe in ghosts.

So why are you going?

It's life.

C'est la vie...

You know what men are? No?

They are...

...out of style.

"What about you, Jeanne?"

Out of style, me, not really.

Good job, Jeanne.

High honors.

You hate men.

You're mistaken.

You're gravely mistaken.

I hope some day you'll tell me.

I don't think so.

It's too complicated.

Let's snap out of it.

Got a cigarette?

Thank you.

I can't recognize anything.

Where's the house?

Over there. Look.

You see? I came.

It smells like gas around here.

You drinking unleaded now?

This is hell.

You are going to burn.

In the flames.

You are going to burn.

- Speak.

- Of what?

Speak.

The time has come, Jeanne.

Look.

Go ahead. Burn.

Burn it all down.

Dare to do something.

You don't frighten me.

You are repulsive.

You are broken.

You're finished. Finished!

And I don't care.

I'm sick of you.

Of all of you. Of everything.

You're drunk.

Revenge.