Dogma (1999) - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, the driving
force behind Catholicism Wow!

...Cardinal Glick.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, we all know
how the majority...

...and the media in this country...

...view the Catholic Church.

They think of us as a pass?,
archaic institution.

People find the Bible obtuse...

...even hokey.

Now, in an effort
to disprove all that...

...the Church has appointed this year
as a time of renewal...



...both of faith and of style.

For example, the crucifix.

While it has been a time-honored
symbol of our faith...

...Holy Mother Church
has decided to retire...

...this highly recognizable...

...yet wholly depressing image...

...of our Lord, crucified.

Christ didn't come to Earth
to give us the willies.

He came to help us out.

He was a booster, and it's
with that take on our Lord in mind...

...that we've come up with a new,
more inspiring sigil.

So it is with great pleasure
that I present you with the first...

...of many revamps
the Catholicism Wow! campaign...

...will unveil over the next year,
I give you...



..."The Buddy Christ."

That's not the sanctioned term
we're using for the symbol.

Just something we've been
kicking around the office.

But look at it.

Doesn't it pop?

Buddy Christ.

Well, there you have it.

Let me get this straight.

You don't believe in God
because of Alice in Wonderland?

No, Through the Looking Glass.

That poem,
"The Walrus and the Carpenter"...

...is an indictment
of organized religion.

The Walrus, with his girth
and good nature...

...he obviously represents
either Buddha...

...or with his tusks, the Hindu
elephant god, Lord Ganesha.

That takes care
of your Eastern religions.

Now, the Carpenter,
an obvious reference to Jesus Christ...

...who was raised a carpenter's son,
represents Western religions.

Now, in the poem,
what do they do?

They dupe all these oysters
into following them...

...then proceed to shuck and devour
the helpless creatures en masse.

I don't know what that says to you,
but to me it says...

...that following these faiths
based on mythological figures...

...destroys one's inner being.

Organized religion destroys
who we are...

...by inhibiting our actions,
by inhibiting our decisions...

...out of fear of some
intangible parent figure...

...who shakes a finger at us
from thousands of years ago...

...and says, "Do it...
Do it and I'll fucking spank you!"

Oh, Jesus!

The way you put it, I've never really
thought about it like that before.

What have I been doing
with my life?

- What am I...?
- Yeah, I know.

Listen, my advice to you...

...take this money you've
collected for your parish...

...go get yourself a nice dress,
you know? Fix yourself up.

Find some man, some woman, you
can connect with, even for a moment...

...because that's really all life is,
Sister, it's a series of moments.

Why don't you seize yours?

Attagirl. Attagirl.

You know, here's what
I don't get about you.

You know for a fact
that there is a God.

You've been in his presence.
He's spoken to you personally.

- Yet I heard you claim to be atheist.
- I like to fuck with the clergy.

I just love it. I love to keep
those guys on their toes.

Here's what I don't get about you.

Why do you feel the need
to come to this place all the time?

My friend, because
this is humanity at its best.

Look at them.

All that anger, all that mistrust,
all that unhappiness...

...forgotten for that one perfect moment
when they get off the plane.

See those two?

That guy doesn't know that the girl
cheated on him while she was away.

- She did?
- Twice.

- Nice.
- But it doesn't matter right now...

...because they're just both so relieved
to be with one another.

I like that.

I wish they could all
feel that way more often.

Is this why I had to come down here
and miss my fucking cartoons?

You call me, you tell me
it's important, you know?

What, to share in your half-assed
obsession with Hallmark moments?

We're going home.

Somebody sent us this in the mail.

Take it and quit leering at me.
People will think I broke up with you.

- You did just say we're going home?
- Read.

"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On
Catholicism Wow! Campaign."

And?

You have to keep reading.

"The rededication of
St. Michael's Church"...

is the kickoff of
a new campaign...

...which seeks to bring
Catholicism into the mainstream.

With a papal sanction,
the archway entrance...

...of the century-old Jersey Shore
house of worship...

...will serve as a passageway
of plenary indulgence...

...a little-known Catholic belief
offering all that passes through it...

...a morally clean slate.

For Sunday News Brief,
I'm Grant Hicks.

All I gotta do, I walk through the arch
thing, and then I can go back home?

No. By walking through the archway,
all your sins are forgiven.

- Then all we have to do is die.
- Die? I don't wanna die.

- You rather hang around here?
- No. We don't know if we can die.

But what if we can and then
the arch thing doesn't work?

What then, hell? Fuck that.

It's impossible.
If we cut off our wings...

...and transubstantiate to complete
human form, we become mortal.

If we die with clean souls,
they can't keep us out.

We won't be angels anymore,
but at least we get to go home.

- Who sent the paper?
- Who cares who sent the paper?

All that matters is that after
all these years, we found a loophole.

He can't keep us out anymore.

Once we're back in,
he'll just forgive and forget.

But this thing, this is Church law.
It's not divine mandate.

Church laws are fallible
because they're created by man.

One of the last sacred promises
imparted to Peter, the first pope...

...by the son of God
before he left was:

"Whatever you hold true on Earth..."

"I'll hold true in heaven."

It's dogmatic law. If the Church
says it's so, God must adhere.

This thing has a papal sanction...

Let it never be said your
anal retentive attention to detail...

...never yielded positive results.

You can't be anal retentive
if you don't have an anus.

Outstanding work!

There's just one thing
I think we gotta do before we leave.

This will help us get back
on his good side.

What?

I've been dreaming about this
for five years. Read that.

"Mooby, the Golden Calf.

Creating an empire
out of simplicity."

I wanna hit them.

You really are
Just a simple creature.

We find a way back
and you wanna jeopardize that...

...because you yearn
for the good old days.

What better way to repent than by
resuming the position I once denied...

...thanks to you?

I don't think a killing spree
is gonna make things better for us.

Killing spree?
I'm talking about divine justice here.

I'm talking about raining down fire
and brimstone, punishing the wicked.

He's all about that.
I know he'd want this done.

There hasn't been an Angel of Death
since you quit.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

And besides, what if you're wrong,
like you always are?

If I'm wrong, which I'm not,
it's not gonna matter.

We're gonna pass through
your arch thing anyway.

We're gonna be forgiven.
No harm, no foul.

Well, he does hate competition.
I will say that.

And your Mooby certainly falls
under that heading.

Where is this church
we have to go to?

New Jersey. Rededication ceremony
is in four days.

Last four days on Earth?

If I had a dick, I'd go get laid.

- We can do the next best thing.
- What's that?

Let's kill people.

Oh, not you.

The Illinois Chapter
of the Right to Life Foundation...

...will be holding its
biannual softball game...

...against the Cook County
Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2.

Today's second collection
will be donated...

...to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.

For those of you
who haven't followed the news...

...an unidentified homeless man
who was accosted...

...and severely beaten at
the New Jersey Shore last Tuesday...

...lies in critical but stable condition
in one of that area's hospitals.

He lacks identification...

...and police have had no luck
tracking down any possible family.

The archbishop of the Trenton diocese
has disputed the state's decision...

...to remove the indigent man
from life-support systems...

...asking that Catholics
all over the country...

...join in this protest
against euthanasia.

Well, now please rise
for the recession of faith.

We believe in one god,
the Father Almighty...

...maker of heaven and earth.

We believe in Jesus Christ,
his only son, our Lord...

Hey, choose life!

You're gonna burn in hell,
you fucking baby killer!

Holy shit, it's the pope.

Where?

What are you talking about?

Jesus. You're a Catholic.
Can't you talk to them?

They hate me more than you,
no doubt.

You have an excuse. You're Jewish.
You don't know any better.

We already used that excuse
when we killed Christ.

Where were you yesterday?
We went to brunch.

I went to church.

That still kills me, you and church.

If only they knew your tithing came
from a Planned Parenthood check.

I don't know why I still go, Liz.

I can remember going to church
when I was young and being moved.

Now I sit there every Sunday
and I feel nothing.

I don't think I have any faith left.

Remember that seminary student
I tried to set you up with?

The 20-year-old. The one I could
have babysat for in high school.

Well, the point is,
he told me something.

He said that faith
is like a glass of water.

When you're young, the glass is little,
so it's easy to fill.

As you get older,
the glass gets bigger.

The same amount of liquid
doesn't fill it.

But periodically
the glass has to be refilled.

You're suggesting I need
to get filled?

In more ways than one.

You need to get laid,
Bethany Sloane.

You need a man,
if only for 10 minutes.

My experience is that
the average male is never a man...

...not even for 10 minutes
in his entire life span.

That sounds militant.
You thinking ofjoining the other side?

Couldn't do it.
Women are insane.

Then you need to go back to church
and ask God for a third option.

I think God is dead.

The sign of a true Catholic.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds.

I'm from the EPA.

We're checking on possible
Freon leaks.

Tell me,
do you have air conditioning?

Yes, we have central air.

In every room?

Except the bathroom. Why?

Well, you know
what that means, don't you?

Move.

No pleasure, no rapture,
no exquisite sin greater...

...than central air.

Pick that up.

This will be the base of operations
from here on in.

Now, if I remember
the protocol correctly...

...the powers will attempt
to contact the last scion.

I need you three...

...to shuffle her loose
the mortal coil.

Go.

Behold the Metatron!

Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true god!

Behold the Metatron!

Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true god!

Behold the Metatron!

Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true...

Sweet Jesus!
Do you have to use the whole can?

Who the fuck are you and what
the fuck are you doing in my room?

I'm soaked and she's
the one that's surly. That's rich.

Stubbed my fucking...

Get the fuck out of here, now!

Or you'll do what exactly?

Hit me with that fish?

Now, just sit down on the bed
and shut up.

Jesus wept!

Look at my suit.

Take what you want,
but don't kill or rape me.

Give over! I couldn't rape you
if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.

See?

I'm as anatomically impaired
as a Ken doll.

Make yourself useful
and give me that towel.

Honestly, you bottom-feeders
and your arrogance.

You think everybody's just trying
to get in your knickers.

What are you?

I'm pissed off is what I am.

Do you drench everyone who comes in
here with flame-retardant chemicals?

No wonder you're single.

Stand back.

As I was saying...

...prior to your
fire-fighting episode...

...I am the Metatron.

Don't tell me the name
doesn't ring a bell.

You people.

If there isn't a movie about it,
it's not worth knowing, is it?

I am a seraphim.

The highest choir of angels.

You do know what an angel is,
don't you?

Metatron acts as the voice of God.

Any occasion when some yahoo
claims that God has spoken to them...

...they're speaking to me.

Or they're talking to themselves.

Why doesn't God speak for himself?

Glad you decided to join
the conversation. To answer that...

...human beings have neither the aural
nor the psychological capacity...

...to withstand the awesome power
of God's true voice.

Were you to hear it, your mind would
cave in and your heart would explode.

We went through five Adams
before we figured that one out.

Well, how do I know
you're an angel?

What, aside from the fiery entrance
and the expansive wingspan?

You want more proof?

Fine.

How about tequila?

Where the hell are we?

Only place you can go
for a good tequila.

Dos tequilas, por favor,
and an empty glass.

We're in Mexico?

Actually, we're in the franchised
Mexican eatery...

...down the street
from your apartment...

...but it's impressive nonetheless.

You don't mind I lost the wings,
do you?

I'm trying to keep our profile low.

What do you want with me?

I am to charge you
with a holy crusade.

For the record,
I work in an abortion clinic.

Noah was a drunk.
Look what he accomplished.

And no one's asking you
to build an ark.

All you gotta do is go
to New Jersey...

...and visit a small church
on a very important day.

New Jersey?

That doesn't sound like
much of a crusade.

Aside from the fine print,
that's it.

What's the fine print?

Stop a couple angels from entering
and thus negating all existence.

Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Stop a couple of angels
from entering...

...and thus negating all existence.

I hate it when people
need it spelled out for them.

You might want to clarify that.

Back in the old days,
God was vengeful and hot-tempered.

And his wrath was bore...

...by the Angel of Death,
name of Loki.

When Sodom and Gomorrah
was destroyed...

...that was Loki.

When the waters wiped out everything
except Noah and his menagerie...

...that was Loki.
And he was good at what he did.

But one day he refused to
bear God's wrath any longer.

- Why?
- He listened to his friend...

...a Grigori
by the name of Bartleby.

Grigori?

One of the choirs of angels.
They're called Watchers.

Guess what they do.

So one day, Loki's wiping out
all the firstborn of Egypt...

The Tenth Plague.

Tell a person you're the Metatron,
they stare blankly.

Mention something in
a Charlton Heston movie...

...and suddenly everybody's
a theology scholar.

May I continue uninterrupted?

Once he's done with the firstborn...

...Loki takes his friend Bartleby out
for a post-slaughter drink.

And over many rounds...

...they get into
this discussion about...

...whether murder
in God's name is okay.

And in the end...

...Bartleby convinces Loki
to quit his position...

...and take one which doesn't
involve slaughter.

So...

...very inebriated...

...Loki tells God he quits...

...throws down his fiery sword...

...and gives him the finger.

Which ruins it for the rest of us
because from that day forward...

...God decreed that angels
could no longer imbibe alcohol.

Hence all the spitting.

So for their insolence...

...God decreed that neither Loki
nor Bartleby...

...would ever be allowed
back into Paradise.

- Were they sent to hell?
- Worse.

Wisconsin...

...for the entire span
of human history.

And when the world ends, they'll have
to sit outside the gates for eternity.

And this has what to do with me?

Someone has clued them in
to a loophole in Catholic dogma...

...that would allow them
to reenter heaven.

So what? They beat the system.
Good for them.

It's not that simple.

If they get in, they will have
reversed God's decree.

Now listen closely because
this bit's very important.

Existence in all its form
and splendor...

...functions solely on one principle:

God is infallible.

To prove him wrong...

...would undo reality
and everything that is.

Up would become down,
black would become white.

Existence would
become nothingness.

In essence...

...if they're allowed to enter
that church...

...they'll unmake the world.

If this is so major,
why are you talking to me?

Why doesn't God
do something about it?

He could. But he'd rather see you
take care of this one personally.

Why me?

Because of who you are.

And who am I?

The girl in the P.J.'s!

Don't ask so many questions.
Just serve your purpose.

I'm gonna have to pass.

I beg your pardon?

When some quiet little infection
destroyed my uterus, where was God?

When my husband decided...

...he couldn't be with a wife
who couldn't bear children...

...where was God?

To hell with him.

Don't allow eons of history and life
to get blinked out of being...

...just because of a grudge
against your creator.

So you lost the ability
to make life.

You're being offered the chance
to play mother to the world...

...by acting like one
and protecting it.

Saving it!

But I can't make you.

However, if you should decide
to stop being selfish...

...and accept your responsibility...

...you won't be alone.

You'll have support.

What? More angels?

Prophets.

In a manner of speaking.
Two of them.

The one who speaks...

And he will, at great length,
whether you want him to or not.

- will make mention of himself
as a prophet.

The other one...

...well, he's the quiet type.

Look, I've gotta go.

Remember, we're working
in a time frame here.

Hey.

- What's he like?
- God?

Lonely...

...but funny.

He's got a great sense of humor.

Sex, for example.
There's nothing funnier...

...than the ridiculous faces
you people make mid-coitus.

Sex is a joke in heaven?

The way I understand it,
it's mostly a joke down here too.

I'll see you.

Snootch to
the motherfucking nootch!

Go back to your paper routes,
you Mighty Duck Fucks!

Snoogans.
Did you see that shit, man?

I know they were just kids, but we
kicked their fucking pubeless asses!

I don't know what to say
or think, except...

That you'll offer us sex
as a reward?

That I'd like to know
who they and you are.

I'm Jay, and this is
my hetero life mate, Silent Bob.

I don't know those kids,
but they would have kicked yours...

...and lunchbox's asses
if I hadn't represented.

Well, thanks for being
out here so late.

Wait a minute. Are you protestors?

You mean those dickheads with signs
and pictures of dead babies?

Shit, no!
Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice.

A woman's body
is her own fucking business.

But what are you doing
hanging around?

We're here to pick up chicks.

Excuse me?

We figure abortion clinics are
a good place to meet loose women.

Why else would they be here
unless they like to fuck?

Right.

Well, I should be going.
Thanks for the rescue.

- I think.
- Wait a second.

We just saved your ass,
and you're just gonna take off.

What the shit is that?

I had a weird night last night and
tonight's not shaping up to be better.

I think I should go home,
take some Percosets and lay down.

Now, how about that shit?
Fuck this town, man!

I'm going back to Jersey
and starting the business again.

I can kick the shit out of kids
in Red Bank and make myself a profit.

Prophets. Two of them.

You know what I'm saying,
Silent Bob?

You gotta be kidding me.

We call this piece "The Fecalator."

One look at it and the target
shits him or herself.

Try it on.

It's a lot more compact
than the flaming sword...

...but it's not nearly as impressive.

It doesn't have that
"wrath of the Almighty" edge to it.

How am I supposed to strike fear into
the hearts of the wicked with this?

Look at this.

Well, then, you know, don't use a gun.
Lay the place to waste like.

Easy for you to say.
You get off light in a razing.

You got to stand and read
at Sodom and Gomorrah.

I had to do all the work.

What work did you do?
You lit a few fires.

I rained down sulfur, man.
There's a subtle difference.

Okay, I'm sure.

Fuck you, man. Any moron with
a pack of matches can set a fire.

Raining down sulfur
is an endurance trial.

Mass genocide is the most
exhausting activity one can do...

...next to soccer.

I'll take this one.

So, what's up? You have a friend for
Silent Bob, or you gonna do us both?

If so, I'm first.
I hate sloppy seconds.

You're a man of principle.

Jersey's pretty far from McHenry.
May I ask what brought you here?

Some fuck named John Hughes.

Sixteen Candles John Hughes?

You know that guy too?
That fucking guy.

He made this flick Sixteen Candles.
Not bad.

There's tits in it, but no bush.

But Ebert here don't give
a shit about that kind of thing...

...because he's in love
with this John Hughes guy.

He goes out and rents
every one of his movies.

Fucking Breakfast Club, where stupid
kids actually show up for detention.

Fucking Weird Science, where this
babe wants to undress and get down...

...but, oh, no, she don't,
because it's a PG movie.

And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't
watch with this tubby bitch anymore...

...because when the redhead
hooks up with her dream guy...

...he starts sobbing like a little bitch
with a skinned knee and shit.

And there's nothing worse
than watching a fucking fat man weep.

What exactly brought you
to Illlinois?

All these movies take place in this
small town called Shermer, Illinois...

...where all the honeys are top-shelf
but all the dudes are whiny pussies.

Except for Judd Nelson.
He was fucking harsh.

But best of all...

...there was no one dealing, man.

Then it hits me.
We could live like phat rats...

...if we were the blunt connection
in Shermer, Illinois.

So we collected some money
we were owed and caught a bus.

But you know what the fuck
we found out when we got there?

There is no Shermer in Illinois.

Movies are fucking bullshit.

When are you going
to New Jersey?

Jeez, this broad asks
a lot of questions.

- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.

Yeah. So you do anal?

Is it true chicks fart
if you blast them in the ass?

I didn't ask you out for sex.

I'll take head.

This is gonna sound really bad. I can't
believe I'm even thinking about this...

...but I think I should go with you.

What, like steady?
You wanna be my girlfriend?

All right, but Silent Bob gets
to live with us and you pay the rent.

No. I wanna go with you
to New Jersey.

Really?

You're going to
lead me somewhere.

Me lead you?

Lady, look at me. I don't even know
where I am half the time.

If we're not gonna fuck, then what
the fuck did you ask us out for?

Someone said I'd meet you and you'd
take me someplace I'm supposed to go.

What the hell are
you babbling about?

We saved your ass from
some angry fucking dwarves...

...and now we're supposed to take you
somewhere as if we know where it is?

Do you believe in God?

Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches
out in front of that place...

...and we get the Jesus freak?

- Let's get out of here.
- No, wait.

- I'll scream rape.
- I can pay you.

Pay?

A hundred bucks
for being my guide.

You were going to Jersey anyway.
All I'm asking is to tag along.

I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie,
and she's Ben Kenobi...

...and we're in that fucked-up bar!

What about sex?

No sex.

Let's say we're caught in a situation
where we have five minutes left to live.

A bomb or something's gonna go off.
Would you fuck us then?

In that highly unlikely situation?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah? She's a slut.

All right.

But I get to drive.

What gear are you in?

Gear?

Well, what do I know
about shifting?

Like I ever drove before.

Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania...

...New Jersey.

Maybe you're wrong
on the slaughter thing.

How can you be sure what incurs
the Lord's wrath these days?

Times change.

I remember eating meat on a Friday
used to be a hell-worthy trespass.

The major sins never change.

And besides, I can spot
a commandment-breaker...

...from, like, a mile away.

Bet on it.

This from the guy who still owes me
10 bucks over that bet...

...about which was gonna be the
bigger movie, E. T. or Krush Groove.

You know, fuck you, man,
because time's gonna tell on that one.

Are you insinuating that I don't have
what it takes anymore?

Insinuating, no.

Flat-out telling you.

Right there. Right there.
There's one.

So? They're kissing.

Adultery.

- Adultery?
- Adultery.

You are just a simple creature.

- Am I right or what?
- I happen to know the truth.

I'm not gonna tell. I wanna see
how boned up on the job you are.

- What's your proof?
- He's wearing a wedding band.

And it never occurred to you
that maybe she's his wife?

No married man kisses
his wife like that.

Okay. Well, it's a good thing
you were never...

...the deciding member on a jury
is all I'm saying.

"No married man kisses his wife
like that"? Are you stoned?

Excuse me.

Are you married?

Why?

I'm just curious.

What do you think?

- What?
- To her?

- What?
- Are you married to her?

Not that it's any of
your fucking business, but no.

Why?

Whose house?

Run's house

I said, whose house?

Run's house

Whose house
Say what?

Run's house
Say what?

Martin

She's fucking pissed, dude.
She's never gonna fuck us now.

Maybe you,
but definitely not me.

Let me know how she is.

Nobody is fucking me!
You got that?

I don't know what I was thinking
in that diner...

...but being that I've decided to
go home, and not to New Jersey...

...sorry for the inconvenience,
and goodbye.

You're breaking up with us?

Who the hell do you think
you are, lady?

You can't just go around
breaking people's hearts like that!

I fell in love with you!
We fell in love with you!

Guys like us just don't fall out
of the fucking sky, you know.

Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women
just don't fall out of the sky, you know.

No heartbeat.

Think someone threw him out a plane
with a message on him...

...like in Con Air?

- Did you ever see that flick?
- Oh, did that suck!

- Con Air? Con Shit.
- Kill it! Kill it!

- Sounds familiar.
- Jesus, are you okay?

Yeah, it's Rufus.
And yeah, I'm fine.

He's the fucking undead!
Cut his head off!

Hey! What I just did gave me
a fucking migraine!

So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna
yank your sac off like a paper towel.

Speaking of which,
you're awfully nude.

- Rufus, is it?
- Yes, Rufus it is.

It's usually Long Rufus, but it's
a little cold out here. You understand.

Big Papa, how about lending a brother
your coat till I find threads?

Dude, he fell out of thin air.

Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing
inside of your armor.

- Dude!
- Thanks a lot, baby.

I'll do my best to tuck it back.

It's been a while since physics
but I would think...

...the impact with which you hit
would have liquefied you.

Death is a worry of the living.

The dead, like myself, only worry
about decay and necrophiliacs.

- Told you he was the undead.
- Not the undead. The dead.

I died.

Christ told me the secret
to resurrection once.

We were at this wedding in Canaan.
And I got drunk and forgot it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Christ?

You knew Christ?

Knew him?
Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks.

Let me guess.

- You're another angel?
- Oh, I ain't no angel.

I'm a man, just like you and him.
Well, maybe not him.

At least I was a man.

Been dead nearly 2000 years.
Here, check this out.

No wonder he saw Jesus.
Homey's rocking the ganj.

It's not a joint.

I can't read this.

It's Aramaic. It says,
"Rufus, see you in two years. Jesus."

Freaked me out because he basically
told me when my number was up.

Took all the flavor out of
the remaining years. We gotta go.

Let's say we continue this discussion
over a two-piece and a biscuit.

I'm starving. Back off, Kato.

Wait a second!

Between guys with wings,
guys falling out of the sky...

...and guys trying like hell
to fuck me...

...I think I've been a pretty good sport
about all this so far.

But I'm not going anywhere until
I find out where you came from.

Me? I came from heaven.

Now let's start walking.

Walk? Fuck you! Do you know
how far we are from anywheres?

Hey, man, back in the old days
with J.C., we used to walk everywhere.

Did you ever hear of
a fat apostle?

What the hell's an apostle?

Let me get this straight.

She's already met the prophets...

...and the apostle's with them?

I think that our best course
of action...

...is to ensure that our parcel
is not found.

And being that I can't even
trust you enough to kill a woman...

...well, I'm left with no choice...

...but to seek outside assistance
in guarding said package.

I'm gonna have to summon
the Golgothan.

I appreciate the loan.
You can have that back.

I remember when all we had
for breakfast was fish and goat's milk.

- What do you call this shit?
- Egga Mooby Muffin.

Now, how about you start
explaining things, like for starters...

...how did you find us?

You know what the dead do
with most of their time?

Watch the living.
Especially in the shower.

I can't wait to die.

And why are you watching me?

Because you're gonna help me
get changes made...

...in that book
you put so much stock in.

- Hustler?
- The Bible!

- What's your beef with the Bible?
- For starters, I'm not in it.

Neither are we. You don't
hear us bitching and moaning.

But I'm supposed to be in it.
I was the 13th apostle.

I've gone to church my whole life and
never heard of Rufus, the 13th apostle.

Yeah, but you heard of
the other 12 apostles.

Yeah, all white boys, I might add.
But no mention of me, Rufus.

And why is that?
Because I'm a black man.

But you know what?
That's just my pet peeve.

I'm mainly here to correct a major error
you've been basing the faith on.

- What's that?
- Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black.

I don't buy it.

If that's true, why did he get
written about and you were left out?

Well, he is the son of God.

Kind of hard to have
a New Testament without him.

So you fudge a few facts,
you put a spin on his ethnicity.

Leaving me out's okay because you
still got 12 white boys to choose from.

You gonna listen to this shit?

That's what the good people
of Antioch said...

...right before they stoned my ass.

You were martyred?

That's one way of putting it.

Another way is to say I was
bludgeoned by big fucking rocks.

White folks only wanna hear
the good shit:

Life eternal,
a place in God's heaven.

But as soon as you hear
you're getting this good shit...

...from a black Jesus, you freak.

And that, my friends,
is called hypocrisy.

A black man can steal your stereo,
but he can't be your savior.

Gonna eat that hash brown?

So you went to heaven?

Damn right I went to heaven!
Shit, that's the least he could do.

In the three years I followed his ass
around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid?

Hell, no. And I was in my prime.

I could have been knee-deep
in shepherds' daughters...

...not to mention fine-ass
Mary Magdalene.

She had a thing for dark meat.

Maybe this is just me talking,
but if I were in heaven...

...I wouldn't care what the Bible said
as long as the message was right.

The message is what counts.

But folks who build their faith
on that message should be colorblind.

And all my rabble-rousing
is not doing that much above.

So I'm gonna need
some help down here.

That's why I'm gonna help stop those
angels from getting into that church...

...in exchange for you helping me
with my campaign.

How do you know about that,
the angels?

- Isn't much I don't know about you.
- I find that hard to believe.

When you were 5, you let a kid
from next door piss in your hand.

You did that shit? You're nasty.

I never told anybody about that.

Neither did he.

Two years later,
that kid died of leukemia.

- His name was Brian Johnson.
- Brian Johnson.

See, your exploits,
no matter how inane...

...are well documented in heaven.

Probably hell too.

Where are you going?

Yo, man, tell me
something about me.

You masturbate more
than anyone on the planet.

Fuck. Everyone knows that.
Tell me something nobody knows.

When you do it,
you're thinking about guys.

- Dude, not all the time.
- Sorry if I scared you.

Two-thirds of me wants to
forget about this and go home.

Yesterday, I wasn't sure
if God even existed.

Now I'm up to my ass
in Christian mythology.

Let me let you in
on a little inside info.

God hates it when
it's referred to as "mythology."

Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets"
what we should call it instead.

Where did those two assholes go?

What are you doing?

Proving to this bastard
I ain't gay.

- What?
- Long story. Forget it.

We gotta get moving.
How can we get to Jersey?

The train. I'll call for reservations.

I thought she looked familiar.

- Who?
- Serendipity.

Morning, shoppers.

Good morning.

- Has anyone seen the overnights?
- No, sir.

- We creamed them.
- All right.

Last night was a rerun,
which says to me...

Do I smell onions?

Excuse me.

May I ask what you're doing
in my boardroom?

You may proceed, mon ami.

I'm gonna have to start
by apologizing.

My friend has a bit of a penchant
for the dramatic.

Oh, come on!

Would you just relax? I'm doing it.

Mooby, the Golden Calf.

Created by Nancy Goldruff,
a former kindergarten teacher, in 1989.

Bought by the Complex Corporation
in 1991.

Broadcast nationally
as the Mooby Fun-Time Hour.

Since its inception,
has spawned two theatrical films...

...16 records,
eight prime-time specials...

...and a library
of priced-to-own videocassettes.

Not to mention
bicoastal theme parks...

...dubbed "Mooby World."

Did I miss anything?

You forgot Mooby Magazine.

Damn it!

Now, is there a point to this?

You and your board are idolaters.

I can't believe you forgot
the magazine.

That's you.

Do you know much about voodoo?

That's a fascinating practice.
No real doctrine of faith to speak of.

More an arrangement
of superstitions...

...the most well-known of which...

...is the voodoo doll.

You see...

...a mockup of an individual
is subjected...

...to various pokes and prods.

The desired result is that
the individual will feel those effects.

- Call security, now!
- Yes, sir.

All lines are currently down.

- I have to apologize...
- Would you knock it off?

You're doing it again. Stop.
What did we talk about?

You are responsible
for raising an icon...

...which draws worship
from the Lord.

You have broken
the First Commandment.

More than that,
I'm afraid not a one of you...

...passes for a decent human being.

Your continued existence
is a mockery of morality.

Like you, Mr. Burton.

Last year, you cheated on your wife
of 17 years eight times.

You even had sex
with her best friend...

...while you were supposed to
be home watching the kids.

In the bed that you
and your wife share, no less.

Mr. Newman.

You got your girlfriend drunk
at last year's Christmas party...

...and then paid a kid
from the mail room...

...to have sex with her
while she was passed out...

...just so you could break up
with her guilt-free...

...when she sobbingly confessed
in the morning.

She killed herself
three months later.

Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.

Very compassionate, Mr. Brace.

Mr. Ray put his mother
in a third-rate nursing home...

...and used the profits
from the sale of her home...

...to buy an Oriental rug for himself.

Heavens.

Mr. Barker flew to Thailand
on the company account...

...to have sex with
an 11-year-old boy.

Mr. Holtzman okayed the production
of Mooby Dolls...

...from materials he knew
to be toxic and unsafe...

...because it was, survey says...

...less costly.

You, on the other hand...

...are an innocent.

You lead a good life.

Good for you.

But you, Mr. Whitland...

...you have more skeletons in
your closet than this assembled party.

I cannot even mention them aloud.

You're his father, you sick fuck.

- Good.
- Not bad, right?

That's great work. Very good.

Well...

...alone at last.

With the exception of
Miss Pryce here...

...there isn't a decent human being
amongst you.

Not one.

Do you know what makes
a human being decent?

Fear.

And therein lies the problem.

None of you has anything
left to fear anymore.

You rest comfortably in seats
of inscrutable power...

...hiding behind your false idol,
far from judgment...

...lives shrouded in secrecy,
even from one another.

But not from God.

Forgot my little voodoo doll.

Man, it really looks
just like you, doesn't it?

Look, if I believed enough in this...

...I wonder...

Come on. I don't believe in voodoo.

Voodoo.

But I do believe in this.

Don't run! Don't run!

Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes!
Oh, and you!

"But I do believe in this."

What does that mean?

And one to grow on.

Gum?

Go on. It's okay.

You've done nothing wrong.

These guys were fakes.

You're a pure soul.

But you didn't say "God bless you"
when I sneezed.

Loki!

You're getting off light.

- Loki!
- I know. I'm coming.

You're so lucky.

I forgot you were down here.
How long now?

Three years this August.

Let me guess, 14th apostle, left out
of the Bible because she's a woman?

This girl's no woman.

Oh. Those weren't tits
I saw Jay cozying up to?

What, these?

You should know better than anyone
here that tits don't make a woman.

The tubby, coat-wearing
motherfucker's got tits.

What traditionally defines a woman
falls between two things:

Her legs.

But as you can see...

...I lack definition.

Hey, they're getting a free show!
Let me see that shit!

Oh, God,
another angel like Metatron.

How do you know...?
How does she know Metatron?

This is the last scion.

You're kidding.

I'm confused.

Bethany, Serendipity here
isn't technically an angel.

Nor is she, by any means,
a human being like I was and you are.

- I used to be an abstract.
- Now I'm really confused.

I'm a muse, stupid.

I can't take much more of this.

So you, what, inspire people?

What just went down
with your friends there...

It doesn't take a muse to inspire
horny retards to empty their wallets.

I used to specialize
in entertainment.

For example, I'm responsible for 19 of
the 20 top-grossing films of all time.

- Nineteen?
- Yeah.

The one about the kid
by himself in his house...

...burglars trying to come in
and he fights them off...

...I had nothing to do
with that one.

Somebody sold their soul to Satan to
get grosses up on that piece of shit.

What are you doing stripping?

You remember why I left?

Because you were tired of getting
none of the credit for your ideas.

So I opted to quit being a muse
and write for myself.

I gave my two weeks' notice,
got a body, 50 bucks...

...and got sent out into the world
to make my fortune.

So, what happened?

Writer's block.

Can you believe it?
Me, a muse, for God's sake.

I can inspire anyone I meet and give
out a zillion and nine ideas a second...

...but I can't keep any for myself.

Her quirky sense of humor.

- Whose?
- God's.

- You're saying God's a woman?
- Was there a doubt in your mind?

He's always referred to as "him."

Well, that's not how I wrote it.

But one of the drawbacks
to being intangible...

...is that you have no say
in the editorial process.

The people that held the pens
added their own perspective...

...and all the penholders were men.

So she became a he.
Doesn't stop with God either.

The whole book's gender-biased.

A woman's responsible
for original sin.

A woman cuts Samson's
coif of power.

A woman asks for the head
of John the Baptist.

Read that book again.

Women are bigger antagonists than
Egyptians and Romans combined.

It stinks.

Why is the last scion here?

Bartleby and Loki.
They found a way back.

- Not the plenary-indulgence loophole.
- You know about that?

I always knew that thing
was a bad idea.

Leave it to the Catholics
to destroy existence.

You have issues with Catholicism,
I take it?

I have issues with those who treat God
like a burden instead of a blessing...

...like some Catholics.

You people don't celebrate your faith,
you mourn it.

- lf we're wrong, what religion is right?
- It's not about who's right or wrong.

No denomination's nailed it yet...

...because they're all
too self-righteous to realize...

...that it doesn't matter what you have
faith in, Just that you have faith.

Your hearts are in the right place,
but your brains gotta wake up.

Look, they made me and Silent Bob
part of the gang.

Who fucking farted?

Not born. Shit into existence.

Sweet Christ,
somebody wants you bad!

- What is that thing?
- An excremental.

- The Golgothan.
- A what?

A shit demon!

No man of woman born!

- Friend of yours?
- Is this smelly fuck with us?

It came for Bethany!

Smoke that motherfucker
like it ain't no thing!

Damn! I knew I was gonna
whack somebody today!

Yo, get your fucking hand back.

Represent!

Go! Go! Go!

Looks like we're in charge
of the gang now.

Over the bar! Come on!

- Where did that thing come from?
- Ever heard of Golgotha?

The hill where Christ
was crucified?

It wasn't just Christ.
The Romans crucified everyone there.

Christ excluded, they were criminals.
Killers, brigands, thieves, rapists.

Whenever the crucified expired,
their bodies lost muscle control...

...spilling bowel and bladder
in the process...

...the result of which is
that walking pile of crap there.

The Golgothan shit demon,
hell's chief assassin.

And it's here for you, girlie.

- Bob, get down!
- Matches! Matches!

- You the man.
- How?

"Knocks strong odors out."

- Way to go, biggie.
- Why would you ever carry this?

What?

Whoever sent this might send more.

I suggest you take the princess
and get as far away as possible.

I'll try to get something
out of poopy boy here.

If he tells me something,
I'll let you know.

Hello. We'd like two tickets
to New Jersey, please.

- Jersey's sold out, sir.
- What?

There's one same time tomorrow.

Don't underestimate the staggering
drawing power of the Garden State...

...and show up
two hours in advance.

Nice.

Your hard-on for smiting
has prevented us from negotiating...

...what ought to be the relatively simple
matter of catching or staying on a bus.

Bus, schmus.

Why should we fall victim to gravity
when we can just as easily rise above?

- You mean fly?
- We got wings, right?

Fuck, let's use them!

I wouldn't suggest that.

You see, kids...

...you wouldn't want to look like
a couple of fairies, now, would you?

Look at this pimp.
How'd you get out of hell?

I said I was coming up
on a routine possession.

I don't have much time. They figure
out my ruse, they'll come for me.

- What's with bringing us in here?
- You're inches from getting caught.

Going around killing people,
about to uncase your wings.

Don't you know what's going on?

Well, we're going home.

Really. Are you so clueless as to think
you can just waltz back into heaven?

- Why not?
- Everybody is looking for you.

Both sides. Above and below.

Orders are to terminate you
on sight.

- Really?
- Why?

Because you're pissing people off,
that's why.

Word is that God's pissed off
at your presumption...

...and I know Lucifer's pissed because
you might make him look bad...

...by succeeding where he's failed.

- So they're just gonna kill us?
- They're gonna try.

That's why you have to
travel incognito.

Tone down your behavior.
Stay off their respective radars.

Quit killing people.
That's high-profile.

- Oh, lighten up.
- I can't believe they wanna kill us.

Oh, believe it, boys.

They've even got the last scion
looking for you.

- Really?
- You're kidding.

This is huge. Your reentry
is a thorn in a lot of sides.

They'll stop at nothing
to prevent it.

Meanwhile, I suggest you find
an alternate mode of transportation.

If anything else comes up,
I'll contact you.

Thank you, Azrael.
You're a true friend.

I have to get back to the pit
before they get suspicious.

And remember, incognito.

How you coping, kid?

It's weird.

Just when I think
I have a handle on things...

...something wholly unbelievable
presents itself.

Sometimes I wish
I'd just stayed home.

You sound like the man.

What's he like?

He likes to listen to people talk.

Christ loved to sit around the fire,
listen to me and the other guys.

Whenever we were going on
about unimportant shit...

...he always had a smile
on his face.

His oly real beef with mankind...

...is the shit that gets carried out
in his name.

Wars, bigotry, televangelism.

The big one, though,
is the factioning of all the religions.

He said mankind got it all wrong...

...by taking a good idea
and building a belief structure on it.

You're saying having beliefs
is a bad thing?

I just think it's better
to have ideas.

You can change an idea.
Changing a belief is trickier.

People die for it. People kill for it.

The whole of existence
is in jeopardy right now...

...because of the Catholic beliefs
regarding this plenary-indulgence shit.

Bartleby and Loki,
whether they know it or not...

...are exploiting that belief...

...and if they're successful...

...you, me, all of this
ends in a heartbeat.

All over a belief.

I haven't seen the moron twins
in a while. How about you?

One time we were at the mall,
we tied Tubby to the ceiling...

...and he went flying through the air,
fucking crashed through the wall.

It was fucked up.

You two aren't getting into
any trouble, are you?

No. We're just about to smoke a fatty
with these two suave motherfuckers...

...who just got on at the last stop.
This is Larry and Barry.

- Hi.
- Hey.

So Jay tells us
you're gonna sleep with him.

Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff.

Oh, fuck.

That's some bad shit, dude.

You hit that?

Yeah, you're bad, dude.

Bad shit.

So why are you
heading to New Jersey?

It's just this thing I have to do.

We're going home.

Oh. Do you two live together?

Unfortunately, yes.

So how long have you two
been together?

A while.

He can be pretty flaky sometimes,
but we have a lot in common.

How'd you meet?

We were stationed together.

See, that's beautiful.

Everybody's always up in arms
about this "out in the military" issue.

Pardon?

There's all that macho bullshit
about it being "this man's army."

And you two meet there, hook up...

You think we're lovers?
No, no. We're not gay.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

- I just assumed.
- Do I come off as gay?

- No.
- All right.

My ex-husband sort of screwed up
my relationship awareness barometer.

- You're divorced.
- That's a nice way of putting it.

I call it being dumped.

I was...

...dumped once.

Don't you just constantly
question your value?

Like, why was I so easy
to cast aside?

And you wonder if the other party
is gonna come to their senses...

...and call you back.

And they always tell you
it'll hurt less with time.

When actually...

...it hurts more.

You know what we need?

What do we need?

We need drinks.

We need a lot of drinks.

Gar?on.

You're saying you still
go to church?

Every Sunday.

Does it...? I mean, does it
do anything for you?

It gives me time to balance
my checkbook every week.

That's what I'm saying. People don't
go to church to feel spiritual anymore.

They go to church and feel bored...

...but they keep going every week
just out of habit.

I am so buzzed.

When do you think
you lost your faith?

I remember the exact moment.

I was on the phone
with my mother...

...and she was trying to counsel me
through this...

This thing.

And when nothing she was saying
was making me feel any better...

...she said:

"Bethany...

...God has a plan."

I was... I was so angry with her.

I was like:

"What about my plans?"

You know?

I had planned to have a family...

...with my husband.

Wasn't that plan
good enough for God?

Apparently not.

How about you?
When did you lose your faith?

A long time ago.

One day God just stopped listening.

I kept talking...

...but I got the distinct impression
he wasn't listening anymore.

How did you know she was listening
in the first place?

Well, I guess I don't.

I hate thoughts like that.

But, you know,
they come to you with age.

Because when you're a kid you never
question the whole faith thing.

God's in heaven, and he's...

She's always got her eye on you.

I'd give anything
to feel that way again.

Guess that's why
I got talked into this pilgrimage.

Where is this pilgrimage to?

- You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
- Try me.

All right, but I warned you.

Okay.

I'm going to this church
in New Jersey.

Really?

Kerwood Mandel to car three.
Kerwood Mandel to car three.

See, I'm supposed to stop
a couple of angels...

...from going into the church.

They're trying...

Shit.

They're trying
to get back into heaven.

See, they got tossed
out of heaven...

...years ago, right?

And if they get back in...

...it proves God wrong...

...and since God is infallible...

...to prove her wrong...

...would, you know,
unmake existence.

May I have your attention, please.

The dining car will be closing
in five minutes. Thank you.

I feel so stupid...

...just saying it.

The thing I don't get is, I mean...

...how am I supposed to stop
an angel?

Two, even!

I guess I'm supposed to
talk them out of it or something.

Maybe you're supposed to
kill them.

Oh, yeah, right. Kill them.

I mean, even if that were the case,
which it's not...

...how do you kill an angel, Barry?

I don't suppose it's much different
from killing a human.

Where the hell is everybody?
I wake up and...

- The apostle.
- Holy shit!

Rufus, I want you to meet
my new friend Barry.

Don't be such a show-off, Barry.

Take it easy, Bartleby.
Just let her go.

- We can talk about this.
- Bartleby?

After all this time, it comes down
to slaughter by a meat puppet?

Get your fucking hands off me,
you dickless son of a bitch!

Save it, lady. Five minutes ago
you were aching to top me off.

Loki!

Holy shit. The apostle.

I didn't come in you, Pete,
I swear.

What are you doing here?

This woman has to stop two angels
from entering a church.

- She means us?
- No, two other fucking angels.

I'd say there's a pretty good chance.
Rufus, we're to be liquidated?

You haven't thought about
the consequences of your reentry.

Consequences, schmonsequences.

We're going home, okay?
No matter whose pride it may hurt.

- It's not a matter of pride!
- Loki, kill the girl.

Are you high? I can't kill her
if she hasn't done anything.

Fine. I'll kill her myself.

What, I fall asleep
and everyone takes off?

- These guys are fucking flat-leavers.
- Shut his mouth.

Oh, shit!

Jay!

Biggie!

The door! The door!

Can't we talk about this?

Why don't I just get off
at the next stop!

No ticket.

- The apostle is here.
- I noticed.

Then you know who the chick was,
don't you?

The scion, I imagine!

Maybe we should rethink
this whole thing.

I mean, you heard the guy.
He said there are consequences.

And Azrael tells us we're marked?

There's more to this
than we thought of.

I was close.

You know? I was so close
to slitting that bitch's throat.

You know how I felt? Righteous.

Justified. Eager, even.

You all right?
Your eyes are kind of...

My eyes are open.

For the first time I get it.

When that little innocent girl
let her mission slip, I had an epiphany.

See, in the beginning it was
just us and him, angels and God.

Then he created humans.

Ours was designed to be
a life of servitude and worship...

...and bowing and scraping
and adoration.

He gave them more
than he ever gave us.

He gave them a choice.

They choose to acknowledge God
or choose to ignore him.

All this time
we've been down here...

...l've felt the absence
of the divine presence...

...and it's pained me,
as I'm sure it must have pained you.

And why?
Because of the way he made us.

Had we been given free will, we could
choose to ignore the pain like they do.

But no, we're servants.

Okay.

You know, all I'm saying here is that
one of us might need a little nap.

Wake up!

Humans have besmirched
everything he's bestowed on them.

They were given paradise,
they threw it away.

They were given this planet,
they destroyed it.

They were favored best
among all his endeavors...

...and some of them
don't even believe he exists!

And in spite of it all...

...he has shown them
infinite fucking patience...

...at every turn.

What about us?

I asked you once...

...to lay down the sword
because I felt sorry for them.

What was the result?

Our expulsion from paradise.

Where was his
infinite fucking patience then?

It's not right! It's not fair!

We've paid our debt!

Don't you think it's time?

Don't you think it's time
we went home?

And to do that, I think we may have to
dispatch our would-be dispatchers.

Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?

You're talking about the last scion,
for chrissake.

And what about Jay and Bob?
Those guys were all right.

Don't. Don't, my friend.

See, don't let your sympathies
get the best of you.

They did me once.

Scion or not...

...she's just a human...

...and by passing through that arch
our sins are forgiven.

No harm, no foul.

My God.
I've heard a rant like this before.

What did you say?

- I've heard a rant like this before.
- Don't you do that to me.

- You sound like the morning star.
- You shut your fucking mouth!

You sound like Lucifer, man!
You've fucking lost it!

You're not talking about
going home, Bartleby.

You're talking about
fucking war on God.

Well, fuck that.

I have seen what happens to the proud
when they take on the throne.

I'm going back to Wisconsin.

We're going home, Loki...

...and no one, not you,
not even the Almighty himself...

...is gonna make that otherwise.

Shit.

Why couldn't we stay on the train?
You threw those guys off.

Very basic strategy.

If your enemies know where you are,
then don't be there.

Why are we enemies?

Well, I know I'd perceive the person
sent to kill me as an enemy.

What does that mean? Since when
am I supposed to kill anybody?

I'm tired of
all this cryptic bullshit.

I'm physically and psychologically
exhausted, Rufus...

...and I'm ready to kick back
and welcome the end of existence...

...unless you come clean right now.

Why me?

Out of all the people on the
goddamn planet, why was I tapped?

Imagine you're a 12-year-old boy.

You're told you're God's only son,
but more than that, you're God.

How long would it take to come
to grips with something that huge?

Maybe, say, 18 years?

In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes
from age 12 to 30. Twelve to 30.

Now, that's some pretty bad
storytelling.

Where are the volumes of text
dealing with the missing 18 years?

I'll tell you where.

They were offered up as a sacrifice
to the god of ecumenical politics.

You make it sound like
there's some church conspiracy...

...to cover up
"the truth about Christ."

Oh, bullshit.

Any important material
about Christ...

...would give people
a better understanding of God.

- Why would they leave any of it out?
- Because it's tied in with his family.

- His mother and father.
- His brothers and sisters.

Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters.
Mary was a virgin.

Mary gave birth to Christ without
knowing a man's touch. This is true.

But she did have a husband.

Do you really think he would've stayed
married to her for all those years...

...if he wasn't getting laid?

The nature of God and the virgin birth,
those are leaps of faith.

But to believe a married couple never
got down, that's just plain gullibility.

Meaning?

The blood that flows
through your veins...

...shares a chromosome or two
at the genetic level...

...with the one you call Jesus.

Bethany, you are...

...the great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great...

...great-great-grandniece
of Jesus Christ.

So that would make Bethany
part black?

I can't do this anymore.

Bethany, where you gonna go?
You know what I'm saying is right.

- It's bullshit.
- Bethany.

It's bullshit!

Let her go, man.

Give her time.

Why?!

What the fuck do you want
from me?

I fucking hate you!

I hate you.

He can't hear you, you know.

That's why we needed you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Would you...?

Could you have believed me?

It was something
you had to come to gradually.

Only after everything you've seen...

...everything you've heard...

...could you possibly be able
to accept the truth.

I don't want this.

It's too big.

That's what Jesus said.

I had to tell him.

You can imagine
how that hurt the Father...

...not to be able
to tell the son himself...

...because one word from his lips
would destroy the boy's human form.

So I had to deliver the news
to a scared child...

...who wanted nothing more
than to play with other children.

I had to tell this little boy
that he was God's only son...

...and it meant a life of persecution
and eventual crucifixion...

...at the hands of the very people
he'd come to enlighten and redeem.

He begged me to take it all back.

As if I could.

He begged me to
"make it all not true."

I'll let you in on something, Bethany,
it's something I've never told anyone.

If I had the power...

...I would have.

It's unfair.

It's unfair to ask a child
to shoulder that responsibility...

...and to ask you
to do the same now.

I sympathize. I do.
I wish I could take it all back.

But I can't.

This...

...is who you are.

Everything I am has been a lie?

No, no, no.

Knowing what you now know doesn't
mean you're not who you were.

You are Bethany Sloane.

No one can take that away from you,
not even God.

All this means is
a redefinition of that identity.

The incorporation of this new data
into who you are.

Be who you've always been.

Just...

...be this as well...

...from time to time.

Guess this means
no more cheating on my taxes.

To say the least.

Do you mind if we adjourn
to somewhere...

...a tad more habitable...

...and a bit warmer?

Fuck, man, I think this shit
Just kicked in.

Weren't we just in the woods?
What are we doing here now?

Going out in style.

- The voice.
- The apostle.

Now, who's this motherfucker?

It's the voice of God.
Show some respect.

Oh, the voice of God.
Where's the rest of him?

Funny you should mention that.
We're not sure.

- What?
- Come on. Didn't it ever occur to you...

...that this Bartleby-Loki situation was
well within the sphere of his control?

Yes, but then why was she tapped?

You know those constitutionals
that he likes to take?

"Constitutionals"?

I think we're beyond euphemisms
at this point.

God's a skeeball fanatic.

The Lord has a fancy for the game.
He's been playing it for years.

He assumes a human form
once a month and indulges.

Doesn't say where he's playing,
just goes away for a couple hours.

And he always gives his free points
away to neighborhood children.

Isn't that sweet?

But she hasn't come back from
one of these day trips, is that it?

No, she hasn't...

...and we've been
unable to locate her.

He could've been killed.
Human form does have that drawback.

No, there's a different sort
of foul play afoot, children.

Whomever has set
the renegade angels on their path...

...and is keeping them
quite well hidden...

...is also responsible
for the Lord's whereabouts.

Were he to be killed
in human form...

...he'd have returned
immediately to heaven.

Someone knew enough...

...to keep him biologically alive...

...but incapacitate him
in another fashion.

And as omnipotent
as we are above...

...I have to admit that we're
more or less lost without his presence.

We've looked everywhere for him.

I tapped her because I thought we'd be
able to smoke out whoever's behind it.

But whoever he is was clever enough
to send some lackeys after you...

...as opposed to showing up
themselves.

Could it be Lucifer?

Not Lucifer.

If he was, he'd have made
his move by now to conquer Heaven.

And I know he's not responsible
for Bartleby and Loki...

...because he has just as much to lose
by their return as anybody else.

So, what do we do now?

Well, I say we get drunk,
because I'm all out of ideas.

Why don't we just ask this guy
to close the church?

I beg your pardon?

It's the guy in charge
of the church thing.

Cardinal Glick?

Maybe we can ask him
to shut down the church.

If it's closed that day, those guys
can't get blessed or whatever, right?

Good Lord.

The little stoner's got a point.

Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into
canceling the rededication ceremony.

"We"?

Are you saying you're back in,
Ms. I Can't Do This Anymore?

I wouldn't want to let the family down,
now, would I?

Well...

...the prophets finally
live up to their titles.

Mass attendance is at
an all-time low in this country...

...but if we can let them know the
Catholic Church has a little panache...

...we can win them back,
even get some new ones.

Excuse me.

Fill them pews, people.

That's the key.
Grab the little ones as well.

Hook them while they're young.

- Kind of like the tobacco industry.
- Christ, if only we had their numbers.

We really appreciate you seeing us
so late in the day, Your Eminence.

My friends and I have been traveling
all night in hope of talking to you...

...about the St. Michael's
rededication ceremony.

So you looking to help out
in some way, I take it?

We'd like you to cancel
the ceremony.

I beg your pardon.

There's gonna be a world of trouble
if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward.

Are you pro-choice?

No, no. The trouble's not from us.

It's from renegade angels that have
been stuck on Earth since the plagues.

These guys,
they think they're renegade angels.

See, padre, it goes down like this.

These guys think that
by passing through that archway...

...they can go straight to heaven.

You want me to call off
the ceremony for that.

Who sent you?

We were sent
by him who is called I Am!

Cute. Really cute.

Kids, playtime with the cardinal
is over.

- Worked for Moses.
- Stay out of this.

Your Eminence, it's not a joke.

I'm telling you, man,
this ceremony's a big mistake.

The Catholic Church
does not make mistakes.

Please! What about the Church's
silent consent of the slave trade?

And its platform of noninvolvement
during the Holocaust?

All right, mistakes were made.

But one can hardly hold the current
incarnation of Holy Mother Church...

...responsible for
the oversights of old.

I'm an important man with important
matters that demand my attention...

...so if you please...

- But tomorrow...
- Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.

Do I make myself clear?

Neither you nor any other influence
short of the hand of God himself...

...is gonna keep this thing
from going off without a hitch.

I can see the headlines now...

...if there were gonna be any.

"Existence Erased."

Don't worry about it.
We evened the score.

Hand it over, Silent Bob.

What up?

You stole the cardinaI's driver?

That's what he gets for messing with
our girlfriend. Cross-dressing fuck.

That's sort of sweet.
Thanks, guys.

What do we do now
about Bartleby and Loki?

I guess we're gonna
have to try and kill them.

- You said they couldn't be killed.
- Correction.

They won't be killed.

And just to ensure that,
we're all gonna sit tight...

...right here, until those two idiots
pass through that arch.

Hey. There's only
one idiot here, Azrael...

...and I'm looking right at him.

Muse!

Just in time to join us for a drink.

Hey. Where'd you come from?

- Where'd you come from?
- Me?

Nothingness.

And that's where I'm returning to
in approximately, oh, one hour.

All right, Plato, sounds like
you've had enough already.

- Let's go.
- Oh, darn it!

Come on, barkeep, just one drink.
One for the road, then I'm gone?

I was trying to find you to tell you
I figured out who was behind all this.

Is that who I think it is?

- None other than.
- Who is he?

All right, one drink.
Then you're gone.

Give me a...

...Holy Bartender.

Never heard of it.

He doesn't know how to make
a Holy Bartender.

You do, don't you, Muse?

Don't.

Anybody? No?

Well, I know how to make
a Holy Bartender.

Get it?

Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why?

Come on, demon! Try that shit
on somebody who's already dead!

Oh, apostle, you maintain
that kind of an attitude...

...and you and the barkeep won't be
the only corpses in the room.

The Christ bitch will join you.

Are you really that stupid?

You do know what's gonna happen
if those two jerks enter that church.

I'm actually counting on it.

And if my calculations
are correct...

...the pawns are moving
into checkmate as we speak.

"Holy Bartender." I get it.
That's a great one!

I'd also like to acknowledge this great
state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton...

...for coming here this morning.

True, she's a Protestant, but we're
not gonna hold that against her.

Now, let me just tell you a little bit
of history about this particular...

...hundred-years-young
house of God.

God's house?

God doesn't live here anymore.

He's grown weary
of your superficial faith.

He's turned a deaf ear
to your lip-service prayers.

- He has abandoned you...
- Sorry.

...his favorites,
to the whim ofjudgment.

Hypocrites, charlatans...

...prepare to taste God's wrath.

Maybe we should just leave.

You wanted your body count.
You got it.

This lot is rife with sin.
We'll judge them all.

Officer McGhee.

All right, mouthpiece...

...let's leave the nice cardinal alone
and go for a ride.

Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry.

You wouldn't like me
when I'm angry.

Is that so?

Ladies and gentlemen...

...you have been judged as guilty of
violations against our Almighty God...

...and this very day...

...I assure you, you will all
pay for your trespasses...

...in blood.

- Wings. Now.
- I'm feeling a little exposed here.

Do it!

- So he's a muse too?
- Former muse.

He was kicked out.

Ever the fucking apple polisher.

Then what happened?

Yes, what?

Well, Lucifer just had to start
his little war for the throne.

Heaven became divided
into two factions...

...the faithful and the renegades.

Oh, the ethereal plains
were chaotic with battle.

Angel against angel.

And when it was all over,
God cast the rebels into perdition.

But Azrael refused to fight.

He remained in the middle, waiting
to see who came out victorious.

What are you,
some kind of fucking chicken?

No.

I was an artist, stupid!

I was inspiration!

A muse has no place in battle.

So after the fallen
were banished to hell...

...God turned on those
that wouldn't fight...

...and Azrael was sent down
with the demons...

...something he considers
a great injustice.

Oh, come on.

Don't tell me you never questioned
the judgment, Serendipity.

No. It never bothered me.

So you were an artist.

Big deal!

Elvis was an artist...

...but that didn't stop him from
joining the service in time of war.

That's why he is the king...

...and you're a schmuck.

Nice.

So all this is about revenge.

You're gonna unmake existence
because of a grudge against God?

After the first million years? No.

Escape from hell
became my all-consuming reason.

So I studied the religions and waited
for my opportunity to present itself...

...which it finally did...

...in Catholicism.

Plenary indulgence.

But I couldn't exercise it.

Demons can't become human.

No, we can't transubstantiate.

But angels can.

Bartleby and Loki.

After that it was a simple matter
of waiting for a church...

...to celebrate their centennial...

...and when it finally happened I sent
the pair an article laced with ideas.

An incantation
I picked up in the pit...

...kept them cloaked
and off heaven's radars.

And aside from the triplets here
and the Golgothan...

...no soul in hell had a clue
as to what was going on.

But the Almighty
could still putsch the whole deal...

...so I dispatched him
in a fairly ingenious fashion.

Her. And how?

That's the only thing
I couldn't figure out.

Oh, no, I've seen way too many
Bond movies to know...

...that you never reveal
all the details of your plan...

...no matter how close
you may think you are to winning.

The only X factor was the involvement
of the last scion here.

But fat lot of good that did, right?
I mean, here you all are.

Powerless to stop the inevitable.

Look, asshole, I don't know
if anyone explained the rules to you...

...but if you succeed everything gets
blinked out of existence, even you.

Human, have you ever
been to hell?

I think not.

I'd rather not exist
than go back to that.

And if everyone has to
go down with me, so be it.

Still thinking only about yourself...

...you fucking child!

Now, now, now.

Things are getting
too intense in here.

Hey! What say
we watch a little TV?

Yo, put on Channel 9.
Davey and Goliath.

Actually, I was thinking more
along the lines of current events.

Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

I repeat,
men with huge fucking wings...

...have laid waste to St. Michael's!

Bullets don't seem to affect them!

The remainder of the crowd
have dropped to their knees...

...identifying this
as the fabled apocalypse.

Now, I'm not a man of faith,
but I'm inclined to agree.

God, please, don't come any closer!
Don't come any closer! God, no!

No!

You see that?
And I told them to keep a low profile.

I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes
it's not gonna matter anyway.

Oh, now what was that
all about?

What?

Oh, nothing.

I had something in my eye.

Now who's the fucking child?

What did you tell him,
to hit me with the golf club?

Are you serious?
I'm a fucking demon.

You'd have him assault me
with a putter?

You want to play? Then we'll play.

One side, Red.

Go ahead, then. Pick it up.
Call it a gift.

Come on.

That's it.

Take a shot.

Take your best fucking shot.

Seriously. I'm not kidding.
Take it. Come on.

Come on, bright boy.

Don't you know anything?

Bethany, bless the sink!

- What?
- Just do it!

Bless the sink, damn it!

That's what you get, motherfucker.

But I'm a fucking demon.

What just happened?

He said it himself:
"I'm a fucking demon."

Hit a demon with an instrument of God,
the pure side will do the most damage.

Holy shit!
Silent Bob's an instrument of God?

No, but Glick's the kind of asshole
who'd bless his clubs for a better game.

- But the sink?
- You've got the divine heritage.

Sanctifying is just
one of the fringe benefits.

Remind me to try the water-to-wine
thing at my next party.

- How far away is this church?
- Three towns over, about 10 miles.

- Rufus, grab the gun.
- Ten steps ahead of you.

Take the bartender's car.
He won't need it.

The whole fucking world's against us,
dude, I swear to God.

Oh, my God.

And people wonder why
I don't go to church anymore.

Are we too late?

To save these poor schmucks?

Yeah.

But we still exist.

Where are they?

They could already be
in the church.

So if they come out,
nobody touches them.

Are you fucking shitting me?

The brother is gonna shred them
with his angel-be-good special...

...ain't you, homey?

If they pass through that arch,
they're clean.

And if they die, they go straight up.

And, hello!
We know what happens then, right?

- Why don't they kill themselves?
- It's a mortal sin.

Die with a mortal sin and you burn.
They don't wanna go to hell.

Then what are we supposed to do,
wait for a solution to fall from the sky?

Friend of yours?

No, that was a cardinal.

You can't tell from his face,
but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.

It's one of them!
Kill that motherfucker!

Don't you listen?

- We can't touch him!
- I wasn't. I was gonna shoot his ass.

He's been at it for a while now.

Please! Please!

We ran out of parishioners...

...so he just started picking up folk
off the road and just dropping them.

This is just eons of repression
getting purged.

If only they'd let us jerk off,
you know?

Take a step back.

Let me go!

Why? What are you trying to prove?

- All these people!
- Hey, this wasn't my idea!

Jesus Christ!

I just wanted to go home.

But him, you know...

...he just lost it.

He realized who you were
and what you were gonna have to do.

He just snapped.

And the funny thing is, this guy could
never even stand to see me work.

He said he felt sorry
for you people.

Now look at him.

This guy's fucking drunker
than hell.

Which means he's human now.

His wings have been cut off.

Loki...

Loki.

The muse?

Oh, no way!

I haven't seen you...
You look terrific.

What's with the tits? Can I...

Have you walked
through the arch yet?

Tell me. Have you gone in and
come out through the archway yet?

No!

He's back.

We were awaiting your arrival.

Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me.

You can't go through with this.
Azrael was just using you.

If you go back...

I've become aware
of the repercussions.

I know what I'm doing.

You sick, twisted fuck!

Bethany.

You, of all people, should understand
what I'm trying to accomplish here.

You too know what it feels like
to be cast aside.

But you've only dealt with the pain
a few years.

I've dealt with it for a millennia.

And while you never see
your ex-husband...

...or how blissful he is
with his new wife...

And he is.

- seeing you people every day on this
perfect world he created for you...

...is a constant reminder...

...that though my kind came first...

...your kind was most revered.

And while you know forgiveness...

...we know only regret.

The lesson must be taught.

All are accountable...

...even God.

Soon a cadre of police will arrive...

...just in time to kill us
as we exit the church.

Then this failed experiment
called existence...

...will cease to be.

No. Hey. Hey!

No. No.

I can't let you do that, Bartleby.

This has gone too far.

I might have to take you down.

It's okay.

I'll do it.

My compatriot.

Genocide takes a lot out of him.

He's weakened.

You're weak.

More importantly,
he's also a human being...

...a condition which carries
two liabilities.

A conscience...

...and...

...a short life span.

I'm sorry, old friend,
but you lost the faith.

Oh, my God. He's lost it.
We're fucked.

- We're absolutely fucked!
- I hear that shit.

I can't believe this shit.

We're on the brink of nonexistence
and God's still missing.

- What kind of deity gets kidnapped?
- Amen to that.

What the hell are you doing?

If the whole world's gonna end,
you said you'd fuck me.

- You're a pig.
- Nobody's gonna beat that thing.

We can lay here all comatose like that
John Doe Jersey bastard over there...

...or we can get making with the love.
- What did you say?

Make with the love.
It's a nice way of saying boning.

No, about John Doe Jersey.

That guy they won't take off
life support, John Doe Jersey.

This is where he's at,
St. Michael's Hospital.

Where's the nearest boardwalk?

I ain't got time to win you a prize.
We gotta get to the fucking.

- Where is it?
- Asbury Park, about five miles away.

- Have you been there?
- Once, with a chick.

We were about to fuck on the carousel
and I got sick, started puking.

- Do they have skeeball there?
- Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Whatever you do, stall Bartleby
from going into that church.

Bob, come with me. Come on!

- How am I supposed to do that?
- Think of something!

I already did, but it takes two of us!

I repeat, this is not a drill.

This is the apocalypse.

Please exit the hospital
in an orderly fashion.

Thank you.

Hey, Big Bird!

Ready for the counting game?

No!

Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck.

No more bullets.

Now, what the fuck
would you do that for?

Angels have to cut their wings off
to become human.

You just did him a favor, stupid!

I hope you're the skeeball type.

Oh, Bartleby.

Was Wisconsin really that bad?

Bow down, stupid!

I'm sorry.

Anyone who isn't dead
or from another plane of existence...

...would do well to cover their ears
right about now.

What the fuck?

Thank you.

It never ends!

Get off of me.
I wanna see what's up.

What the fuck is this shit?

Who the fuck are you, Lady?

Why the fuck did you hug my head?

Quite a little mouth on him,
isn't there?

What the fuck is this, The Piano?
Why ain't this broad talking?

I believe the answers that you seek
lie within my companion's eyes.

What the fuck does that mean?
Has everyone gone fucking nuts?

What the fuck happened
to that guy's head? I want some...

Where was she?

Imprisoned in a body.

Bethany figured it all out.
She's a clever girl, that one.

Hang on a minute.

You missed a bit.

Well, then, you ready
to go back, apostle?

You ready to make those changes
I been talking about?

We'll see. Muse?

Seeing as how you
just had to get involved...

...you're welcome
to return with us as well.

First I gotta say goodbye to Bethany.
Where is she?

Oh, no.

Metatron, is she...?

Afraid so.

One of the drawbacks to being
a martyr is that you have to die.

But no matter.

All is being taken care of.

How so?

Wax on, wax off.

How did I...?

She can rebuild you.

She has the technology.

She can make you better,
stronger, faster.

That's...

A very relieved deity.

You did well, little girl.
I knew you'd come around.

Your kind always does.

So you might wanna
take good care of yourself.

We're gonna need you
down the road.

I know. I'm the last scion.

Well, you're half right.

You were the last scion.

But now...

...this...

...is the last scion.

I'm pregnant?

Can't put anything past you.

Take care of that parcel for us.

She has a world of work
ahead of her.

Thank you for...

...I don't know...

...everything.

God, there's a million things
I wish I could ask you...

...most of it questioning
your great plan...

...and that'd be arrogant of me,
I know.

But there is one I need to ask.

I'm sure you get it all the time, but
how many chances like this will I get?

Why are we here?

Didn't I tell you she was funny?

I really enjoyed meeting you.

It was an honor.

You did so well.

I told you she was a woman.

She's not really a woman.

She's not really anything.

She's something, all right.

Crisis of faith over?

I think I'm now burdened
with an overabundance.

When it rains, it pours.

Are you saying you believe?

No. But I have a good idea.

Yes.

The man was right about you.

Now I'm gonna go home
and tell him so.

And if you clean up your language...

...I just might put in
a good word for you too.

Thanks.

Why don't you name the kid
after me?

Rufus.

Yo, we should go to Quick Stop.

You guys wanna
hear something sick?

- I got half a stalk when she kissed me.
- Jay!

I couldn't help it. The bitch was hot.

You can't talk to me that way anymore.
I'm gonna be somebody's mother.

You're pregnant?

Yo, I heard pregnant women can
have sex into their third trimester.

I'll keep that in mind.

So that would make Bethany
part black?