Doghouse (2009) - full transcript
Vince is handling his divorce badly. He's depressed. Gone to pieces. But his mates aren't giving up on him. Struggling with their own women troubles, they drag him off for an ultimate lads drinking weekend in the country. Arriving in the village of Moodley where the women outnumber the men 3:1, the boys find themselves holidaying in a village overrun by psychotic, homicidal Zombirds with a thirst for male flesh.
Doghouse (2009)
Fuck...
Fuckin' hell!
What's the matter with you? What?
- I'm not a bloody prostitute!
- All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Christ's sake, this was our second date!
Was it? Listen, listen, all right...
I was on the tequilas
last night and, um...
- What is your name again?
- You're kidding.
Tell you what, if you was a prostitute...
you know... you'd be caked.
What's the matter with you?
That was a compliment!
You know what I mean, I can't win!
I've got the pox of it.
Tell you something else,
you're only an old dog, anyway.
Maybe "boys' weekend,"
wasn't the best choice of words.
Whatever. Have a nice time.
I'm not one of those guys
who ditches his mates for his girlfriend!
- I don't want you to ditch your mates!
- What DO you want?
An invite would've been nice.
No girls allowed, darling.
I didn't know
there was gonna be strippers!
- And Neil's not in charge. I am.
- That fills me with confidence.
I'm only going to my gran's.
I'll be back on Monday.
I'll have the locks changed before then.
Bex, Bex...
It's for Vince. Vince!
He's helped me
out so many times, I've lost count.
When I first came to London,
he supported me. I owe him.
Lots of people get divorced, Mikey.
He'll get over it.
Yes, by spending a weekend
getting trollied with his mates.
Well, you can celebrate
your own divorce with him!
I thought you'd react like that,
so I glued your ring on.
- See you Monday, babe. Love you too!
- Mikey, if you walk out that gate...
You don't know whether
you're coming or going, do you?
Patrick!
I'm going. I'm going!
The first weekend
my parents visit in years,
and you bugger off to the wilderness
to rediscover your testicles!
It's bad enough I have to tell them
you've quit your job...
Welcome to Sonic Stress Therapy.
It's going to be a beautiful day.
Let's start it with a smile.
- Anxiety is almost the same...
- Are you just gonna fucking go?
No, no.
It's a symbol of his identity, and the
source of his primeval inner strength.
So how come the Zombie Girls
kick his arse on page 4?
How many times have I told you
they're NOT zombies?!
- All right, calm down. It's only a comic.
- No, no, it's not only a comic.
This is a... It's a unique
and often misunderstood art form.
This... is a painstakingly crafted,
and carefully balanced alignment
of words and art, OK?
- What, like TV?
- Do you want it or not?
- No, it's stupid.
- Right, piss off!
- Go on. We're closing early, OK?
- What? Why?
Spaceltime anomaly.
You mean... you want
a bit of time alone with your missus.
Don't touch her. Get off her and get out!
Go on, then!
Go on, out!
And don't come back!
Little knob-end.
Vince, you're not getting out of this!
- You're coming with us!
- We're gonna have such a good time!
Be careful! Be careful! Be careful!
Oh, you bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
(THE HORRORS' She Is The New Thing)
# She's a special girl, you know
# The kind I'd hope to see
Hanging on a wall
# Watching me cross the street
# I wonder how long it will be
# Before I'm sick of her
And I no longer care
# Where she goes or has been
# Cause she's the new thing
# Cause she's the new thing
# She is the new thing
# Well, she's the new thing
# She is the new thing
# She is the new thing
# Another new thing
# Feel my stomach sink
As I curse my slow limbs
# She is the new thing
# Always a new thing
# Staring at her, ulterior girl
Thanks.
- Vince, you left this behind, mate.
- Ta.
- I thought you'd given up.
- I have.
- Where's Banksy?
- Late.
He's always late for everything.
He showed up on time for his wedding.
Why's that funny?
Well, he showed up, and...
she didn't show up at all.
Lucky bastard!
Here, I'll give him call.
Oh, shit!
... you're through to Banksy Electrical.
Please leave your name and number
after the tone, and I'll...
Banksy, you're wanker.
Hurry up!
Liven yourself up, lazy-bollocks!
Hey, Pat, what's with
them golf clubs, man?
There's no golf courses
where we're going.
That's why have this bag...
my little friend.
You know there's more
to life than football.
- All you need is the open air...
- Me nuts!
I don't think your new-age
golf therapy is gonna work on Vince, Pat.
Vince is real man, Pat, not like you.
You should've seen him
in his glory days, Mikey.
I mean, they used to call him Fearless.
He would step out in front of
a raging bull just to protect his mates,
and still manage to buy the first round
from his hospital bed.
Yeah, that's only 'cause you guys
picked up what was left in me wallet.
- We helped you.
- Go on, show Mikey.
- Oh, yeah, look at this!
- Let's have a look.
Pamplona Bull Run '96. He screamed
like a girl the whole way around.
I wish I was there, man...
Shit!
Sorry, mate, seriously.
Let me just...
Anyway, where were we?
Snap out of it, Vince.
Today you re-discover your inner bloke.
You don't wanna miss it.
Me inner bloke's all right, thanks.
He's not, though, is he?
He's lost his way.
We all have.
All suffering from social gender anxiety.
Is that some sort of disease
or something?
Nobody knows, that's the problem.
The second you try
to figure it out... doomed.
Not you, Vince. We're gonna
bring you back from the brink.
- Oi, no smoking!
- Shut up.
- You're outnumbered.
- I'm terrified!
Slag.
- Charmer...
- Wha'? Wha'?
- Now, listen to me, boys...
- I thought it was funny.
This is the plan.
First thing we do in the country,
we piss up the trees, mark our territory.
Then we're gonna find a pub and drink
till we've forgotten how to speak.
We'll communicate in grunts like
cavemen, until we pass out in the woods.
Any questions?
- Are you Michael? I'm the driver.
- Hey, she's the driver!
Wanna see my driver's license?
That's Mikey,
the little squirt sitting there.
I'm Neil. What's your name, babe?
I can tell you now it's not "babe".
It's gonna be a long drive, isn't it?
Looks like it's heading that way,
don't it?
I tell you what, let's start again.
- My name's Neil.
- My name's Ruth.
From now on it's Candy.
Ignore him, RUTH. He's a throwback.
He hasn't evolved properly.
Call me Candy.
Come on!
- Right, boys, you ready?
- Yeah!
Get on these 2 here, look.
A couple of right wrong 'uns.
I'll tell you what, women love me.
You got enough petrol, babe,
and all that, yeah?
- Have you called Banksy again?
- He'll show up.
He's like Mikey's missus.
You can't shake him off.
It looks nice, but it's a piece of shit.
- What?
- It's fucked.
But I've only had it 5 minutes.
Someone's run the knackers off it.
You can't fix that with a nice paint job.
You're the one
who's getting divorced, ain't you?
Thanks for bringing it up.
There's worse things
than getting divorced.
Rape, murder, castration.
Fair enough.
What's in a weird village like Moodley
that you can't find in London?
Mikey's nan lives there.
We'll stay there while she's away.
What do you mean weird?
Well, it's just a dead-end
in the middle of the woods.
There's nothing there.
When I saw the booking
I thought it was a wind-up.
Mikey says the women
outnumber the men 4 to 1.
Yes, they do, Neil.
- And obviously they're all gagging for it.
- Obviously.
An entire village
full of man-hungry women
waiting to jump the first band
of desperados rolling up from London.
Have you been there, then?
My firm hasn't booked
a job to Moodley in years.
Oh, sod off.
Don't fear. There's no cause for alarm.
All is well.
Death is a natural part of life.
Anxiety about this
is an inbuilt survival reflex,
no longer required in this beautiful
predator-free world.
Welcome to the country.
I'll do it, then, shall I?
Yeah, well done.
What's your nana up to
this weekend, Mikey?
She's off on a cruise
while the builders are in.
What builders?
Oh, they'll be gone by the time
we come out of the pub.
What about when they're back
at dawn and start drilling holes?
- She doesn't know we're coming.
- Well... I did say...
- You fuckin' idiot.
- Listen, man, I know where the key is!
Jesus! This gets better and better.
I might just stay on the minibus
and wait for the return trip.
Gentlemen, you are all past
the point of no return.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Mikey.
It's not me. It's not me!
Hello? Yeah...
I told you I'd sign the papers.
Solicitors always say that.
I can't do nothing today.
I'm not in London.
Moodley... Moodley!
What do you mean it's a shit hole?
Hello? Hello?
Not my PS...
That's it. Give us that fucking thing.
I've had enough of this!
- I'm not having this.
- What are you gonna do?
- All the phones, off, in this bag.
- What?!
- OK? All of you. Come on!
- No, no, no.
Getting away from it all doesn't include
spousal abuse by T-Mobile.
- See you, darling.
- I need to ring my mum.
- You've got mine already.
- In the bag, sunshine.
- Ladies first.
- After you, then.
All right.
Mikey?! Is this it?
- Please tell me you took a wrong turn.
- Told you the place was a dead end.
Is that it? Is this?
Mikey!
We're in the middle of fuckin' nowhere.
I'd leave all that, Mikey,
till we've done a bit of reconnaissance.
- We might not be staying.
- What do you mean not staying?
I'm off the clock for half an hour,
then I'm leaving...
with or without you.
Fiddlesticks!
On your head!
- What the fuck are you doing?
- You idiot!
I'm sure this place used to be bigger
when I was, err... little.
Looks like the whole village
has fucked off with your nan.
Where's all the women, then?
When were you last here, Mikey?
- Well, it's been a few years.
- Right, come on. First things first.
Mikey, you break into your nan's house
and make sure I've got a bed for tonight.
The rest of us can get the beers in
at the... Cock & Bull,
and drink until Moodley
starts looking like Barbados.
And someone
go get Candy down for a drink.
I'll go.
Neil, if she sees you,
she's liable to drive away with our stuff.
What are you talking about?
Women love me.
Really?
You are a long way from
your sports car, though, aren't you?
I'm gonna go for a slash.
Get us a pint of the usual.
Oh, no, put your money away, Neil.
My shout!
Knob.
"Vote Meg Nut".
Meg Nut... Nut-meg...
"Sponsored by Wundawash. "
Oh, shit.
Yes! Yes, yes.
Oh, thank you, gnomie.
Hello?
I can't believe we jumped
on one of Mikey's schemes.
- His heart's in the right place.
- Shame his head is up his arse.
Come on, Pat.
Liven yourself up. Get 'em in.
Neil, Do you see any bar staff?
I think I just saw one in the khazi,
chucking up.
- Maybe they're all sick.
- What the fuck is that horrible stench?
It's the smoking ban, mate.
Get rid of the all the puffers,
you'll find out what a pub really
smells like - stale beer and piss.
No. It's something else.
Where the fuck's Matt?
All right, calm down.
You sound like a dolphin.
Idiot.
Look at that.
It's a knob in a box.
This is a joke, right?
Don't...
Hey, back up. Back up.
I will...
Looks like there is
life on Mars, after all.
- What's the matter with her?
- I think she's homeless.
300 miles from London, the only
person we see is selling the Big Issue.
- Let's get some change.
- I've got some, I've got some.
Hey! Hey!
Go Vince!
- It's not what it looks like, mate!
- Yeah?
Matt, call the police!
Go, Graham. Hit him!
Go on! Somebody else hit him!
Put the knife down, mate.
Put the knife down!
You lot, just listen to me!
- Hey, watch!
- She stabbed me!
All right, hey, hey!
- Oi! Oi!
- What are you doing?!
- Can we talk about this?
- Hang on, hang on.
Jesus...
- What... What's wrong with her?
- What do you mean?
She's like Evil Dead in your shop,
those things with the claws and teeth!
And she's not the only one.
Look! Look at that. Look, look.
- Back on the bus, then, eh?
- Yes, yes!
- What about Action Man?
- Oh, shit.
Come on! Leave him!
Candy, start her up, baby.
We're leaving.
Let's go somewhere else, then.
Yeah, OK.
Where's your nan's house, Mike?
Mike, your nan's house!
OK...
Let's take the scenic route.
Mikey... Get his gun.
YOU get it.
It's empty.
Oh, mate...
That is not cool...
Look at the state of him.
What?
He said, "Don't go in the woods. "
- Why?
- Why you asking me?
What's in the woods?
Everything... you've ever been afraid of.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Quick, quick, Graham!
- Open the fucking door!
- I'm gonna do it when I get the key!
These are multi-combat trousers!
They've got 11 pockets!
You missed her!
Open the fucking door!
- Vince!
- What?
Help me!
- I've got the key!
- OPEN IT, THEN!
Shut the back door!
Oi, oi!
They're moving away!
All right, you funny cunts,
how's this supposed to cheer me up?
- Phones are dead.
- "Let's put all the mobiles in a bag. "
- Good idea, Neil!
- You wanna talk about this some more?
Let's talk about the unliveable state
of this house we're staying in.
OK, back door's locked, kettle is on.
Neil.
- They're not coming back.
- So what's going on here?
It could be some kind of
chemical spillage.
Maybe one of the streams
has been polluted.
Patrick, when was the last time
you saw pollution turn somebody
into an axe murderer?
Candy didn't even get off the bus
and she still turned into that.
- So it must be in the air.
- Why haven't we got it? And him?
- Maybe only women get it.
- What kind of virus only affects women?
Bird flu.
So where did all the men go?
No, no, no!
What is it?
Are you fucking retarded?
All the men are dead.
- Sit down, Andy McNabb.
- Easy, mate. I'm not the enemy.
- Really? See, I think you are.
- Right...
We demand an explanation!
Is it a biological weapon
gone out of control?
It's classified is what it is.
It's hardly classified, mate,
it's running about in stilettos!
- I said sit down.
- Or what? Or what?
Oi! Oi! Oi!
Kettle's boiled.
- What's your name?
- Sergeant Gavin Wright.
We don't give fuck about your rank.
We want an explanation.
- It's virus.
- Why aren't we infected?
I thought you'd worked this one out.
Only women get it.
- Why?
- Just luck.
Oh, that's not funny. Is there a cure?
I don't think anybody
survived long enough to try.
But that's not my department.
I'm just here to shoot them.
- What?
- How did it start?
The only questions you need to ask are,
"How many are there?"
and, "Are they in our way?"
So, how many are there?
The whole village
has gone over to the dark side.
Most of them are out in the woods.
So if you're thinking
of hiking out of here, think again.
What the fuck are they doing
in the woods?
Maybe they're all taking a shit.
Women like to go to the toilet together.
What do you think they're doing?
They're looking for fresh meat.
- So what's your exit plan?
- Same as yours.
Get on the minibus
and fuck off out the way you came in.
Well, there's little problem
with your plan, Marvin.
Bad Candy lives on that bus.
And she's got a little skin complaint.
When she gets off the bus, start running
and don't stop until you hear the horn.
We'll come back and pick you up.
Why are you so sure
she's gonna follow me?
Women love you.
If you have to kill her, just do it.
She's not Candy anymore.
She never was. Her name's Ruth.
- Whatever.
- Well, stop calling her Candy.
Neil, now is not the time
to stop objectifying women.
Be new man tomorrow.
Today, we need you to be the misogynist
Neanderthal arsehole we know and love.
- You could get this virus next...
- Fuck off.
You even hit like a girl.
- What are you doing?
- Fucking go.
- Liberty-taker.
- Hurry up!
All right, I'm going.
Come on... Come and have a nibble.
You know you want it.
Bollocks.
Get off the...
- Go! Go!
- Quick, hurry up!
Get the phones!
Someone get the phones!
Bastards!
Fuckin' hell!
Oh, man. We are dog meat.
They're everywhere!
- Shit...
- Oh, man!
Julie?
Do you know her?
Yeah, yeah...
We had thing once, it didn't end well.
- I'm gonna be sick.
- How do you think I feel?!
The phones...
I've got the fucking phones!
Shit...
- Do something! You're the soldier!
- Look at the fucking size of her!
Oh, no...
Get her off me!
Look out, Vince. Look out!
Fuck! Come on!
Yeah!
Oh, look at your teeth!
Fuckin' hell! Patrick!
- We should start placing bets.
- My money's on that one.
Let's go!
Everyone stay together!
Here, here! Quick, come on.
Fuckin' hell.
(Match Of The Day)
She'll be through that freakin' window
in a minute. Grab anything you can.
- Vince!
- What?
Still in its original packaging!
Weapons, Matt.
Grab any weapons you can.
Not fuckin' robots.
All right... I'm looking.
Did you lock that?
Matt! Matt!
Where are you going? Matt!
I'm coming!
Weapons... Weapons...
Matt! Matt!
- What are you doing?
- Give us a lighter!
In me pocket...
THE OTHER POCKET!
Get back. If they can't see us,
they'll forget we're in here.
- That's optimistic, innit?
- They are easily confused.
NOW you decide to shoot someone,
you fucking monkey's arse-ring.
You had a gun all along?
I was saving the last bullet
for when I needed it.
You're still a twat.
Fuck, I think you've just sent out
a party invite.
Do they sell petrol in toy shops?
No.
It's Nitro Fluid for radio-controlled cars.
Don't you know anything?!
I know we need to be tooled up with
something that wasn't made in Taiwan.
Who taught you to drive?
Let me have a go.
Get off!
Reverse. Reverse. Over here!
Hello? Are we in there?
- I take it you're in a toy shop.
- Who's there? Is Neil there?
No, just me, Mikey
and the Milky Bar Kid.
- My name's Gavin.
- Whatever.
The speed Neil was running,
he's probably halfway home.
(SPACE'S Female Of The Species)
# A thousand thundering thrills await me
# Facing insurmountable odds, greatly
You're so sexy, do you know that?
# The female of the species
is more deadly...
Why don't we forget about all this?
This finger food.
That's a really lovely spread.
But why don't we
just take this upstairs, eh?
We're both adults.
I'm a man...
You're a...
You're a woman.
This could be the start
of something special - you and me...
All you've gotta do...
is... untie me, yeah?
Just untie me, please.
Come on, then. Come on!
No, no, don't do that. No.
Fear and panic are only
chemicals within your body.
Anxiety is nothing more
than a chemical reaction.
So, what's the plan?
What do you mean what's the plan?
The plan. What's the plan?
- I haven't got one. What's yours?
- I've got a plan.
What's all this bollocks
with the walkie-talkies, then?
Just fancied a chat about
something other than Star Wars.
Oh... How is Matt?
Yeah, the force is with him.
- Oi!
- What?
I said I've got a plan.
Go on, then.
You're the double hard bastard.
You do it.
It's your plan, arsehole.
You two are so gay!
Your mum's an arsehole.
The payload has been delivered.
What?
The head's in the truck, man.
You ready?
We're gonna need a diversion
for our diversion.
I'm on it.
Come and get your meals on wheels.
No!
Fuck off!
Do the horn.
You're not getting the better of me.
Turn it, you're gonna go
out of range!
I'm turning it. I'm turning it!
Get off!
Oh, f... No!
- Oh, that's disgusting.
- Fuckin' hell.
Fucking thing!
- How could things get any worse?
- Mikey?
- Yeah?
- Mikey, they've spotted you.
Great.
Yum!
Mikey?
Mikey?
Mikey!
Fuck.
- Come on. Let's go.
- No, wait. Wait.
I am not going out there half-cocked.
Let's party.
Where's mine?
Well, there's only one.
No, look, got a spare.
No?
All right, you can have my backup.
What's this?
I will make you feel sexy.
Yeah!
Right, then. Come on, Vince.
Me and you - Butch and Sundance!
- They both died.
- Yeah!
- Come on, you gimp. Let's go.
- Yeah!
Do your fire thing! Do the fire thing!
Hurry up!
Oh, shit!
Ta.
What do we do now?
We do what everyone else does,
when they're facing mortality.
Run.
Wait, wait.
I bet you a tenner it's locked.
- Bollocks.
- You owe me tenner.
Oh, my God.
Look, look.
Mikey? Neil? Is anyone there?
- Where's the walkie-talkie?
- Lads, can you hear me?
Me and Matt, we're in the church
but we've lock ed the doors.
So if you get over here, please
just let me know. Try and get over here.
We have to get out of here.
Let's follow your mates over
to the church. It's our best chance.
I think it's a bit late
to start praying, don't you?
You feeling all right, mate?
I have just had a genius idea.
- Is everyone ready?
- You're loving this, aren't you?
- Garry?
- It's Gavin.
Let's just get it over with.
- What?
- You've done this before, haven't you?
- Don't get any funny ideas
- Don't worry, he's not a lesbian.
- Is this gonna work or what?
- Let's try.
Here she is!
Vince, open the church door.
Oh, fuck.
- Fuckin' hell.
- Come on, come on!
No, no, no! Don't go in there!
Don't go in there!
Wait! That's my 9-iron.
Come on!
- Oh, Christ, it's the ex.
- Vince, we're outside. Open the door.
Don't move, just keep smiling.
Our clothes are in there! Shit!
Oh, for fuck's sake, Julie.
We split up, get over it!
All right, gays... guys!
- Where did you come from?
- I took the scenic route.
Come on.
I hate you. I hate you.
Why don't you just sit on me
and get it over with, you fat fucking pig!
Vince.
- I really wanna go home.
- OK. OK, let's go.
Let's go home.
Vince, are you taking piss?
This isn't funny any more.
- Let us in.
- Hold on, we're coming.
- Come on, hurry up!
- What are they doing?
- What are you doing...
- What the fuck's this?!
- Don't laugh at me!
- Neil! Neil!
- Oi!
- Where the fuck have you been?
(Bad-ass Crazy Lady)
# She's dressed to kill
Oh, what a thrill
# Mess with her
And you're bound to get ill
# She'll chew you up and spit you out
- # She'll leave a scar...
- Hello, girls.
- # She knows what she likes...
- Who's first?
# She looks at me with those crazy eyes
# Takes no time for me to realise
# She's a wild-eyed crazy lady
# Bad-ass crazy lady
# Bad-ass crazy lady
# Bad-ass crazy lady
# Wild-eyed crazy lady
# Bad-ass crazy lady
- # Wild-eyed crazy lady... #
- I'll call you.
Show's over. Everyone get inside.
- I don't think so.
- Is that supposed to frighten me?
- He said it would make me fell sexy.
- Does it?
A little bit, yeah.
Oh, for God's sake!
Can we leave this male posturing
bullshit till later?
Everyone get inside!
I don't think I actually ever used
that finger for anything.
- There's nothing up here.
- Come back, then.
We're nearly there.
Oh, shut up, you girl.
That's it.
Talking of girls...
There's not even a spare
choir-boy outfit up there.
Sit down, silly-bollocks,
you look gorgeous.
- I think that butcher took a shine to you.
- Nah, she's not my type, that one.
What about one of the others?
- You would, wouldn't you?
- Don't you ever have a day off?
There were 3 kinky birds
in that house.
For second, I thought, you know...
as long as they don't start
with that sicking-up bollocks...
The one with the, um,
scissors is pretty fit.
She'll have your bollocks for earrings
before you've even bought her a drink.
- I like the one with the axe.
- She's married.
I can't believe this!
You people have no respect for women.
Oh, come on, Graham.
That's why you bat for the other side?
All women are mental.
You can't make that kind of sweeping
generalisation about an entire gender.
Why not? Look at us.
Look at Vince. His glory days are over.
His missus did that to him.
He was king when he met her.
She turned him into a fucking ghost.
We brought him out here to convince
him that all women aren't out to get him.
Yeah, thanks for that, lads.
It's all gone really fuckin' well, innit?
- What are you looking for?
- Yes.
This.
I've done it!
Right.
Wow, we've got the whole village
under surveillance.
Well, it's about time.
You've been offline for nearly 24 hours.
And why was my so-called escort
called back to Moodley last night,
and left me chained
to the fucking briefcase?
That's Meg Nut from the poster, look.
Who are you?
You're not involved
with Project Cat-house.
Where's the Colonel?
- Get her back.
- It's on fire.
It's happening.
- What's happening?
- Phase II.
Hold on a minute. What's Phase I?
Sickness, disorientation, psychosis.
Phase II is the mutation.
They're gonna get smarter,
faster and weirder.
- What's that?
- It's called The Dolphin.
There are high-frequency
sonic deterrents all over the village,
emitting painful sound
only women can hear.
- So there was a fail-safe all along.
- It only works after Phase II.
- Obviously.
- Well, stop talking and press the button.
- Is it working?
- I dunno.
Can YOU hear it?
Um, that doesn't work, does it?
This isn't funny.
They'll be relentless now.
They hunt in packs. We are fucked!
For the sake of clarity, we're not dealing
with few insane women any more.
What you boys
have actually created here
is an army of pissed off,
man-hating, feminist cannibals.
This biological weapon can turn one half
of the population against the other.
- We can fight wars with no armies.
- So this is a test run?
You set the virus loose
in an isolated little village
and then sit and watch it on the telly?
They used to do this kind of thing
in the '50s with LSD.
Thanks, Matthew. What does
Meg Nut have to do with this?
- Not much. She's just a delivery girl.
- Yeah. But delivering WHAT?
How fucking stupid are you people?
What do you think?
A free box of Wundawash?
The virus
is in the washing powder, look.
It's biological.
Everybody, get back.
- Leave her out of it. That's my nan.
- I thought she was on a cruise.
Yeah... So did I.
Matt. Matt, no!
You've, um...
There's some stuff on your face.
All right, Matt?
Thank you.
Don't go in there, Matt.
It's the mortuary.
I think he's traumatised.
I'm the one who's fucking traumatised!
Look what he did to my nan.
Matt? Matt?
Matt...
Vince. Run, run!
What's happened?
Is he all right?
No.
So, where is he, then?
He's dead.
Come on!
That's for Matt...
bitch.
Shit, shit...
- Look at the state of him.
- We can't just leave him here.
What, in mortuary?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm just as freaked out as you are.
What was that?
Vince, don't go down there,
that's how she got in.
Yeah, and it might be our only way out.
- It's the other half of Moodley.
- Jesus, it's all the men.
- You mean parts of them.
- It's a nest.
Come on, come on!
- Get up, come on!
- Get up!
Get up the stairs! Come on!
Vince, Vince! Come on!
- Neil! Neil!
- Close the door!
Neil, give us a hand with this!
Hurry up, will ya?
Oi, what are you pair of tarts
doing up there?
Banksy, what time do you call this?
You would not believe
the shit day I've had.
- What's going on?
- Listen, soft-lad,
outside Mikey's nan's house, there's
a big ladder, go and bring it back here.
What's with the...
- Get the fucking ladder, soppy bollocks.
- Hurry up.
All right, all right,
don't get all aggressive.
Fuck, help me out!
- Get your ass outside.
- I think I'll stay a bit.
Get your ass outside now.
Go, fuck off.
Pat, go on.
- All right?
- Vince?
Hurry up!
I can see your bikini line from here.
What's with the frock?
- What are you doing?
- Vince said a get ladder.
So we can get down, you plank,
not so you can get up.
- What's happening?
- All the women have gone evil.
One of them ate Neil's finger,
Matt killed me nan with a 9-iron
and now he's dead, and we need
to get down the sodding ladder. Down.
You lot been taking drugs?
- You got some left?
- Get down, get down!
Move, move!
Go back up!
We're alive!
Let go!
Who's the monster?
- What are you still doing here?
- Wishing I wasn't.
- Come on!
- Come on, Pat. Come here.
- Come on, Pat.
- Watch his leg!
- Graham, come on, let's go.
- You go.
I'm right behind you.
Fuck me.
Fuckin' hell.
This is worse than
the fucking Pamplona Bull Run.
Fuckin' hell!
Jesus!
- Get the ladder. Get the ladder.
- What's this one?
Come on!
- Come on!
- Vince, Vince...
- Banksy, give us your phone.
- I left it at home.
Right, of course, yeah...
Where are you parked, then?
Behind the big billboard lying
across the street.
What's that?
- It's a rental.
- It's a rental?
What do you mean it's a rental?
Where's your van?
- It broke down, I forgot.
- You forgot?
Repeating everything I say
ain't gonna help, Vince.
What's not gonna help
is that fuckin' moon buggy.
Maybe we can squeeze in.
I'll sit on someone's lap.
Shut up. Forget it, it's too small.
Why did you even get here?
- What are you trying to say?
- This trip was bad a idea.
No... really?
- It could be worse.
- It could be worse?
How many fingers am I holding up?
They're fucking eating us!
- How can it get any worse?
- Can everyone shut the fuck up?
Cracking skulls open with a 9-iron
is not my idea of golfing holiday!
But this is not Mikey's fault,
and it's not Banksy's.
I'm sure as fucking shit,
it's not mine either.
Relax... Relax...
Now, we all need to work together
to facilitate some kind of positive -
and I mean POSITIVE escape scenario,
'cause I'm not dying in this shit hole!
There's nothing wrong with you
that can't be fixed with a smile.
Get on the bus.
Come on!
Ruth!
Banksy!
Banksy!
Banksy!
Come on! I've had enough
of standing here!
I'll fuckin stick it in ya!
I'll fucking stick it in ya!
Get in the fucking bus!
I'm fucking sick of it! Fuck!
Come on, Vince, let's go!
Let's go!
- What are you doing?
- I'm having a mid-life crisis.
What, now? Can't it wait?
No.
Well, it's about fucking time.
Anyone seen me lighter?
Where's me lighter?
Oi, look after it next time, yeah?
You know, I always thought you two
were completely fucking useless.
You - you just follow your dick
like it's a fucking compass.
And you - you're letting your marriage
slip through your fucking fingers.
Neither of you
know anything about women.
- So why are you two still fuckin' alive?
- We're not gonna be for much longer,
if you don't stop yapping
and get us out of here!
The rest of us, we try to do everything
by the book - and we get shafted.
We try to be what they want us to be.
You know, we become reliable,
mature, domesticated.
And then what happens?
They get bored -
that's what happens.
If all women really want is pet,
why don't they buy a fucking Labrador?
I've had enough,
being told to sit, and lie down,
and roll over, and play dead.
From now on,
what you see is what you get.
For fuck's sake!
Vince, you do know the road's blocked.
Bollocks to the roadblock. I've been
living by the highway code all my life.
Where did it get me?
A one-way ticket to Moodley.
Buckle up, lads.
We're going off road.
Vince, watch out for the old biddy.
Whoa, easy, easy!
Oh, my God!
What was that?
Fat bird.
Slow down, Vince. Slow down.
Hello, hello...
Hello? Is anybody there?
Graham, we thought you got squashed.
Where are you?
In the nest with the stiffs.
Where are you?
Coming to get you, silly twat.
Let's do it.
Who's your favourite Spice Girl?
Here's the plan. We're gonna
go down there, get Graham,
piss off to the nearest pub,
somewhere much nicer than this,
have a little bit of lunch and then get
absolutely shit-faced. Any questions?
Yeah.
You do realise
that we're slightly outnumbered, right?
Pass one of them golf clubs.
No, give me a wood.
Give him wood as well.
Right. We're outnumbered,
and outgunned.
But I've got the hump.
So we're gonna go down there
in a very ungentlemanly fashion
and... present company
excepted, of course,
bash the living shit
out of anything in a dress.
Bloody hell, Vince...
not very PC is it?
Come on.
Let's have it!
Now what?
Oi, oi!
You all right?
I've got it working.
Let me see that, let me see that.
Remote-controlled women.
- Do it again, Neil!
- My word!
Take that.
Get in there, Graham.
Be careful, Neil.
Oh, I'm lovin' this.
Absolutely lovin' it.
Lovely little thing,
ain't you, sweetheart, eh?
Vince, you got to have
a bang on this, mate. Just have a bang!
Bollocks!
Go!
Doghouse (2009)
Fuck...
Fuckin' hell!
What's the matter with you? What?
- I'm not a bloody prostitute!
- All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Christ's sake, this was our second date!
Was it? Listen, listen, all right...
I was on the tequilas
last night and, um...
- What is your name again?
- You're kidding.
Tell you what, if you was a prostitute...
you know... you'd be caked.
What's the matter with you?
That was a compliment!
You know what I mean, I can't win!
I've got the pox of it.
Tell you something else,
you're only an old dog, anyway.
Maybe "boys' weekend,"
wasn't the best choice of words.
Whatever. Have a nice time.
I'm not one of those guys
who ditches his mates for his girlfriend!
- I don't want you to ditch your mates!
- What DO you want?
An invite would've been nice.
No girls allowed, darling.
I didn't know
there was gonna be strippers!
- And Neil's not in charge. I am.
- That fills me with confidence.
I'm only going to my gran's.
I'll be back on Monday.
I'll have the locks changed before then.
Bex, Bex...
It's for Vince. Vince!
He's helped me
out so many times, I've lost count.
When I first came to London,
he supported me. I owe him.
Lots of people get divorced, Mikey.
He'll get over it.
Yes, by spending a weekend
getting trollied with his mates.
Well, you can celebrate
your own divorce with him!
I thought you'd react like that,
so I glued your ring on.
- See you Monday, babe. Love you too!
- Mikey, if you walk out that gate...
You don't know whether
you're coming or going, do you?
Patrick!
I'm going. I'm going!
The first weekend
my parents visit in years,
and you bugger off to the wilderness
to rediscover your testicles!
It's bad enough I have to tell them
you've quit your job...
Welcome to Sonic Stress Therapy.
It's going to be a beautiful day.
Let's start it with a smile.
- Anxiety is almost the same...
- Are you just gonna fucking go?
No, no.
It's a symbol of his identity, and the
source of his primeval inner strength.
So how come the Zombie Girls
kick his arse on page 4?
How many times have I told you
they're NOT zombies?!
- All right, calm down. It's only a comic.
- No, no, it's not only a comic.
This is a... It's a unique
and often misunderstood art form.
This... is a painstakingly crafted,
and carefully balanced alignment
of words and art, OK?
- What, like TV?
- Do you want it or not?
- No, it's stupid.
- Right, piss off!
- Go on. We're closing early, OK?
- What? Why?
Spaceltime anomaly.
You mean... you want
a bit of time alone with your missus.
Don't touch her. Get off her and get out!
Go on, then!
Go on, out!
And don't come back!
Little knob-end.
Vince, you're not getting out of this!
- You're coming with us!
- We're gonna have such a good time!
Be careful! Be careful! Be careful!
Oh, you bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
(THE HORRORS' She Is The New Thing)
# She's a special girl, you know
# The kind I'd hope to see
Hanging on a wall
# Watching me cross the street
# I wonder how long it will be
# Before I'm sick of her
And I no longer care
# Where she goes or has been
# Cause she's the new thing
# Cause she's the new thing
# She is the new thing
# Well, she's the new thing
# She is the new thing
# She is the new thing
# Another new thing
# Feel my stomach sink
As I curse my slow limbs
# She is the new thing
# Always a new thing
# Staring at her, ulterior girl
Thanks.
- Vince, you left this behind, mate.
- Ta.
- I thought you'd given up.
- I have.
- Where's Banksy?
- Late.
He's always late for everything.
He showed up on time for his wedding.
Why's that funny?
Well, he showed up, and...
she didn't show up at all.
Lucky bastard!
Here, I'll give him call.
Oh, shit!
... you're through to Banksy Electrical.
Please leave your name and number
after the tone, and I'll...
Banksy, you're wanker.
Hurry up!
Liven yourself up, lazy-bollocks!
Hey, Pat, what's with
them golf clubs, man?
There's no golf courses
where we're going.
That's why have this bag...
my little friend.
You know there's more
to life than football.
- All you need is the open air...
- Me nuts!
I don't think your new-age
golf therapy is gonna work on Vince, Pat.
Vince is real man, Pat, not like you.
You should've seen him
in his glory days, Mikey.
I mean, they used to call him Fearless.
He would step out in front of
a raging bull just to protect his mates,
and still manage to buy the first round
from his hospital bed.
Yeah, that's only 'cause you guys
picked up what was left in me wallet.
- We helped you.
- Go on, show Mikey.
- Oh, yeah, look at this!
- Let's have a look.
Pamplona Bull Run '96. He screamed
like a girl the whole way around.
I wish I was there, man...
Shit!
Sorry, mate, seriously.
Let me just...
Anyway, where were we?
Snap out of it, Vince.
Today you re-discover your inner bloke.
You don't wanna miss it.
Me inner bloke's all right, thanks.
He's not, though, is he?
He's lost his way.
We all have.
All suffering from social gender anxiety.
Is that some sort of disease
or something?
Nobody knows, that's the problem.
The second you try
to figure it out... doomed.
Not you, Vince. We're gonna
bring you back from the brink.
- Oi, no smoking!
- Shut up.
- You're outnumbered.
- I'm terrified!
Slag.
- Charmer...
- Wha'? Wha'?
- Now, listen to me, boys...
- I thought it was funny.
This is the plan.
First thing we do in the country,
we piss up the trees, mark our territory.
Then we're gonna find a pub and drink
till we've forgotten how to speak.
We'll communicate in grunts like
cavemen, until we pass out in the woods.
Any questions?
- Are you Michael? I'm the driver.
- Hey, she's the driver!
Wanna see my driver's license?
That's Mikey,
the little squirt sitting there.
I'm Neil. What's your name, babe?
I can tell you now it's not "babe".
It's gonna be a long drive, isn't it?
Looks like it's heading that way,
don't it?
I tell you what, let's start again.
- My name's Neil.
- My name's Ruth.
From now on it's Candy.
Ignore him, RUTH. He's a throwback.
He hasn't evolved properly.
Call me Candy.
Come on!
- Right, boys, you ready?
- Yeah!
Get on these 2 here, look.
A couple of right wrong 'uns.
I'll tell you what, women love me.
You got enough petrol, babe,
and all that, yeah?
- Have you called Banksy again?
- He'll show up.
He's like Mikey's missus.
You can't shake him off.
It looks nice, but it's a piece of shit.
- What?
- It's fucked.
But I've only had it 5 minutes.
Someone's run the knackers off it.
You can't fix that with a nice paint job.
You're the one
who's getting divorced, ain't you?
Thanks for bringing it up.
There's worse things
than getting divorced.
Rape, murder, castration.
Fair enough.
What's in a weird village like Moodley
that you can't find in London?
Mikey's nan lives there.
We'll stay there while she's away.
What do you mean weird?
Well, it's just a dead-end
in the middle of the woods.
There's nothing there.
When I saw the booking
I thought it was a wind-up.
Mikey says the women
outnumber the men 4 to 1.
Yes, they do, Neil.
- And obviously they're all gagging for it.
- Obviously.
An entire village
full of man-hungry women
waiting to jump the first band
of desperados rolling up from London.
Have you been there, then?
My firm hasn't booked
a job to Moodley in years.
Oh, sod off.
Don't fear. There's no cause for alarm.
All is well.
Death is a natural part of life.
Anxiety about this
is an inbuilt survival reflex,
no longer required in this beautiful
predator-free world.
Welcome to the country.
I'll do it, then, shall I?
Yeah, well done.
What's your nana up to
this weekend, Mikey?
She's off on a cruise
while the builders are in.
What builders?
Oh, they'll be gone by the time
we come out of the pub.
What about when they're back
at dawn and start drilling holes?
- She doesn't know we're coming.
- Well... I did say...
- You fuckin' idiot.
- Listen, man, I know where the key is!
Jesus! This gets better and better.
I might just stay on the minibus
and wait for the return trip.
Gentlemen, you are all past
the point of no return.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Mikey.
It's not me. It's not me!
Hello? Yeah...
I told you I'd sign the papers.
Solicitors always say that.
I can't do nothing today.
I'm not in London.
Moodley... Moodley!
What do you mean it's a shit hole?
Hello? Hello?
Not my PS...
That's it. Give us that fucking thing.
I've had enough of this!
- I'm not having this.
- What are you gonna do?
- All the phones, off, in this bag.
- What?!
- OK? All of you. Come on!
- No, no, no.
Getting away from it all doesn't include
spousal abuse by T-Mobile.
- See you, darling.
- I need to ring my mum.
- You've got mine already.
- In the bag, sunshine.
- Ladies first.
- After you, then.
All right.
Mikey?! Is this it?
- Please tell me you took a wrong turn.
- Told you the place was a dead end.
Is that it? Is this?
Mikey!
We're in the middle of fuckin' nowhere.
I'd leave all that, Mikey,
till we've done a bit of reconnaissance.
- We might not be staying.
- What do you mean not staying?
I'm off the clock for half an hour,
then I'm leaving...
with or without you.
Fiddlesticks!
On your head!
- What the fuck are you doing?
- You idiot!
I'm sure this place used to be bigger
when I was, err... little.
Looks like the whole village
has fucked off with your nan.
Where's all the women, then?
When were you last here, Mikey?
- Well, it's been a few years.
- Right, come on. First things first.
Mikey, you break into your nan's house
and make sure I've got a bed for tonight.
The rest of us can get the beers in
at the... Cock & Bull,
and drink until Moodley
starts looking like Barbados.
And someone
go get Candy down for a drink.
I'll go.
Neil, if she sees you,
she's liable to drive away with our stuff.
What are you talking about?
Women love me.
Really?
You are a long way from
your sports car, though, aren't you?
I'm gonna go for a slash.
Get us a pint of the usual.
Oh, no, put your money away, Neil.
My shout!
Knob.
"Vote Meg Nut".
Meg Nut... Nut-meg...
"Sponsored by Wundawash. "
Oh, shit.
Yes! Yes, yes.
Oh, thank you, gnomie.
Hello?
I can't believe we jumped
on one of Mikey's schemes.
- His heart's in the right place.
- Shame his head is up his arse.
Come on, Pat.
Liven yourself up. Get 'em in.
Neil, Do you see any bar staff?
I think I just saw one in the khazi,
chucking up.
- Maybe they're all sick.
- What the fuck is that horrible stench?
It's the smoking ban, mate.
Get rid of the all the puffers,
you'll find out what a pub really
smells like - stale beer and piss.
No. It's something else.
Where the fuck's Matt?
All right, calm down.
You sound like a dolphin.
Idiot.
Look at that.
It's a knob in a box.
This is a joke, right?
Don't...
Hey, back up. Back up.
I will...
Looks like there is
life on Mars, after all.
- What's the matter with her?
- I think she's homeless.
300 miles from London, the only
person we see is selling the Big Issue.
- Let's get some change.
- I've got some, I've got some.
Hey! Hey!
Go Vince!
- It's not what it looks like, mate!
- Yeah?
Matt, call the police!
Go, Graham. Hit him!
Go on! Somebody else hit him!
Put the knife down, mate.
Put the knife down!
You lot, just listen to me!
- Hey, watch!
- She stabbed me!
All right, hey, hey!
- Oi! Oi!
- What are you doing?!
- Can we talk about this?
- Hang on, hang on.
Jesus...
- What... What's wrong with her?
- What do you mean?
She's like Evil Dead in your shop,
those things with the claws and teeth!
And she's not the only one.
Look! Look at that. Look, look.
- Back on the bus, then, eh?
- Yes, yes!
- What about Action Man?
- Oh, shit.
Come on! Leave him!
Candy, start her up, baby.
We're leaving.
Let's go somewhere else, then.
Yeah, OK.
Where's your nan's house, Mike?
Mike, your nan's house!
OK...
Let's take the scenic route.
Mikey... Get his gun.
YOU get it.
It's empty.
Oh, mate...
That is not cool...
Look at the state of him.
What?
He said, "Don't go in the woods. "
- Why?
- Why you asking me?
What's in the woods?
Everything... you've ever been afraid of.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Quick, quick, Graham!
- Open the fucking door!
- I'm gonna do it when I get the key!
These are multi-combat trousers!
They've got 11 pockets!
You missed her!
Open the fucking door!
- Vince!
- What?
Help me!
- I've got the key!
- OPEN IT, THEN!
Shut the back door!
Oi, oi!
They're moving away!
All right, you funny cunts,
how's this supposed to cheer me up?
- Phones are dead.
- "Let's put all the mobiles in a bag. "
- Good idea, Neil!
- You wanna talk about this some more?
Let's talk about the unliveable state
of this house we're staying in.
OK, back door's locked, kettle is on.
Neil.
- They're not coming back.
- So what's going on here?
It could be some kind of
chemical spillage.
Maybe one of the streams
has been polluted.
Patrick, when was the last time
you saw pollution turn somebody
into an axe murderer?
Candy didn't even get off the bus
and she still turned into that.
- So it must be in the air.
- Why haven't we got it? And him?
- Maybe only women get it.
- What kind of virus only affects women?
Bird flu.
So where did all the men go?
No, no, no!
What is it?
Are you fucking retarded?
All the men are dead.
- Sit down, Andy McNabb.
- Easy, mate. I'm not the enemy.
- Really? See, I think you are.
- Right...
We demand an explanation!
Is it a biological weapon
gone out of control?
It's classified is what it is.
It's hardly classified, mate,
it's running about in stilettos!
- I said sit down.
- Or what? Or what?
Oi! Oi! Oi!
Kettle's boiled.
- What's your name?
- Sergeant Gavin Wright.
We don't give fuck about your rank.
We want an explanation.
- It's virus.
- Why aren't we infected?
I thought you'd worked this one out.
Only women get it.
- Why?
- Just luck.
Oh, that's not funny. Is there a cure?
I don't think anybody
survived long enough to try.
But that's not my department.
I'm just here to shoot them.
- What?
- How did it start?
The only questions you need to ask are,
"How many are there?"
and, "Are they in our way?"
So, how many are there?
The whole village
has gone over to the dark side.
Most of them are out in the woods.
So if you're thinking
of hiking out of here, think again.
What the fuck are they doing
in the woods?
Maybe they're all taking a shit.
Women like to go to the toilet together.
What do you think they're doing?
They're looking for fresh meat.
- So what's your exit plan?
- Same as yours.
Get on the minibus
and fuck off out the way you came in.
Well, there's little problem
with your plan, Marvin.
Bad Candy lives on that bus.
And she's got a little skin complaint.
When she gets off the bus, start running
and don't stop until you hear the horn.
We'll come back and pick you up.
Why are you so sure
she's gonna follow me?
Women love you.
If you have to kill her, just do it.
She's not Candy anymore.
She never was. Her name's Ruth.
- Whatever.
- Well, stop calling her Candy.
Neil, now is not the time
to stop objectifying women.
Be new man tomorrow.
Today, we need you to be the misogynist
Neanderthal arsehole we know and love.
- You could get this virus next...
- Fuck off.
You even hit like a girl.
- What are you doing?
- Fucking go.
- Liberty-taker.
- Hurry up!
All right, I'm going.
Come on... Come and have a nibble.
You know you want it.
Bollocks.
Get off the...
- Go! Go!
- Quick, hurry up!
Get the phones!
Someone get the phones!
Bastards!
Fuckin' hell!
Oh, man. We are dog meat.
They're everywhere!
- Shit...
- Oh, man!
Julie?
Do you know her?
Yeah, yeah...
We had thing once, it didn't end well.
- I'm gonna be sick.
- How do you think I feel?!
The phones...
I've got the fucking phones!
Shit...
- Do something! You're the soldier!
- Look at the fucking size of her!
Oh, no...
Get her off me!
Look out, Vince. Look out!
Fuck! Come on!
Yeah!
Oh, look at your teeth!
Fuckin' hell! Patrick!
- We should start placing bets.
- My money's on that one.
Let's go!
Everyone stay together!
Here, here! Quick, come on.
Fuckin' hell.
(Match Of The Day)
She'll be through that freakin' window
in a minute. Grab anything you can.
- Vince!
- What?
Still in its original packaging!
Weapons, Matt.
Grab any weapons you can.
Not fuckin' robots.
All right... I'm looking.
Did you lock that?
Matt! Matt!
Where are you going? Matt!
I'm coming!
Weapons... Weapons...
Matt! Matt!
- What are you doing?
- Give us a lighter!
In me pocket...
THE OTHER POCKET!
Get back. If they can't see us,
they'll forget we're in here.
- That's optimistic, innit?
- They are easily confused.
NOW you decide to shoot someone,
you fucking monkey's arse-ring.
You had a gun all along?
I was saving the last bullet
for when I needed it.
You're still a twat.
Fuck, I think you've just sent out
a party invite.
Do they sell petrol in toy shops?
No.
It's Nitro Fluid for radio-controlled cars.
Don't you know anything?!
I know we need to be tooled up with
something that wasn't made in Taiwan.
Who taught you to drive?
Let me have a go.
Get off!
Reverse. Reverse. Over here!
Hello? Are we in there?
- I take it you're in a toy shop.
- Who's there? Is Neil there?
No, just me, Mikey
and the Milky Bar Kid.
- My name's Gavin.
- Whatever.
The speed Neil was running,
he's probably halfway home.
(SPACE'S Female Of The Species)
# A thousand thundering thrills await me
# Facing insurmountable odds, greatly
You're so sexy, do you know that?
# The female of the species
is more deadly...
Why don't we forget about all this?
This finger food.
That's a really lovely spread.
But why don't we
just take this upstairs, eh?
We're both adults.
I'm a man...
You're a...
You're a woman.
This could be the start
of something special - you and me...
All you've gotta do...
is... untie me, yeah?
Just untie me, please.
Come on, then. Come on!
No, no, don't do that. No.
Fear and panic are only
chemicals within your body.
Anxiety is nothing more
than a chemical reaction.
So, what's the plan?
What do you mean what's the plan?
The plan. What's the plan?
- I haven't got one. What's yours?
- I've got a plan.
What's all this bollocks
with the walkie-talkies, then?
Just fancied a chat about
something other than Star Wars.
Oh... How is Matt?
Yeah, the force is with him.
- Oi!
- What?
I said I've got a plan.
Go on, then.
You're the double hard bastard.
You do it.
It's your plan, arsehole.
You two are so gay!
Your mum's an arsehole.
The payload has been delivered.
What?
The head's in the truck, man.
You ready?
We're gonna need a diversion
for our diversion.
I'm on it.
Come and get your meals on wheels.
No!
Fuck off!
Do the horn.
You're not getting the better of me.
Turn it, you're gonna go
out of range!
I'm turning it. I'm turning it!
Get off!
Oh, f... No!
- Oh, that's disgusting.
- Fuckin' hell.
Fucking thing!
- How could things get any worse?
- Mikey?
- Yeah?
- Mikey, they've spotted you.
Great.
Yum!
Mikey?
Mikey?
Mikey!
Fuck.
- Come on. Let's go.
- No, wait. Wait.
I am not going out there half-cocked.
Let's party.
Where's mine?
Well, there's only one.
No, look, got a spare.
No?
All right, you can have my backup.
What's this?
I will make you feel sexy.
Yeah!
Right, then. Come on, Vince.
Me and you - Butch and Sundance!
- They both died.
- Yeah!
- Come on, you gimp. Let's go.
- Yeah!
Do your fire thing! Do the fire thing!
Hurry up!
Oh, shit!
Ta.
What do we do now?
We do what everyone else does,
when they're facing mortality.
Run.
Wait, wait.
I bet you a tenner it's locked.
- Bollocks.
- You owe me tenner.
Oh, my God.
Look, look.
Mikey? Neil? Is anyone there?
- Where's the walkie-talkie?
- Lads, can you hear me?
Me and Matt, we're in the church
but we've lock ed the doors.
So if you get over here, please
just let me know. Try and get over here.
We have to get out of here.
Let's follow your mates over
to the church. It's our best chance.
I think it's a bit late
to start praying, don't you?
You feeling all right, mate?
I have just had a genius idea.
- Is everyone ready?
- You're loving this, aren't you?
- Garry?
- It's Gavin.
Let's just get it over with.
- What?
- You've done this before, haven't you?
- Don't get any funny ideas
- Don't worry, he's not a lesbian.
- Is this gonna work or what?
- Let's try.
Here she is!
Vince, open the church door.
Oh, fuck.
- Fuckin' hell.
- Come on, come on!
No, no, no! Don't go in there!
Don't go in there!
Wait! That's my 9-iron.
Come on!
- Oh, Christ, it's the ex.
- Vince, we're outside. Open the door.
Don't move, just keep smiling.
Our clothes are in there! Shit!
Oh, for fuck's sake, Julie.
We split up, get over it!
All right, gays... guys!
- Where did you come from?
- I took the scenic route.
Come on.
I hate you. I hate you.
Why don't you just sit on me
and get it over with, you fat fucking pig!
Vince.
- I really wanna go home.
- OK. OK, let's go.
Let's go home.
Vince, are you taking piss?
This isn't funny any more.
- Let us in.
- Hold on, we're coming.
- Come on, hurry up!
- What are they doing?
- What are you doing...
- What the fuck's this?!
- Don't laugh at me!
- Neil! Neil!
- Oi!
- Where the fuck have you been?
(Bad-ass Crazy Lady)
# She's dressed to kill
Oh, what a thrill
# Mess with her
And you're bound to get ill
# She'll chew you up and spit you out
- # She'll leave a scar...
- Hello, girls.
- # She knows what she likes...
- Who's first?
# She looks at me with those crazy eyes
# Takes no time for me to realise
# She's a wild-eyed crazy lady
# Bad-ass crazy lady
# Bad-ass crazy lady
# Bad-ass crazy lady
# Wild-eyed crazy lady
# Bad-ass crazy lady
- # Wild-eyed crazy lady... #
- I'll call you.
Show's over. Everyone get inside.
- I don't think so.
- Is that supposed to frighten me?
- He said it would make me fell sexy.
- Does it?
A little bit, yeah.
Oh, for God's sake!
Can we leave this male posturing
bullshit till later?
Everyone get inside!
I don't think I actually ever used
that finger for anything.
- There's nothing up here.
- Come back, then.
We're nearly there.
Oh, shut up, you girl.
That's it.
Talking of girls...
There's not even a spare
choir-boy outfit up there.
Sit down, silly-bollocks,
you look gorgeous.
- I think that butcher took a shine to you.
- Nah, she's not my type, that one.
What about one of the others?
- You would, wouldn't you?
- Don't you ever have a day off?
There were 3 kinky birds
in that house.
For second, I thought, you know...
as long as they don't start
with that sicking-up bollocks...
The one with the, um,
scissors is pretty fit.
She'll have your bollocks for earrings
before you've even bought her a drink.
- I like the one with the axe.
- She's married.
I can't believe this!
You people have no respect for women.
Oh, come on, Graham.
That's why you bat for the other side?
All women are mental.
You can't make that kind of sweeping
generalisation about an entire gender.
Why not? Look at us.
Look at Vince. His glory days are over.
His missus did that to him.
He was king when he met her.
She turned him into a fucking ghost.
We brought him out here to convince
him that all women aren't out to get him.
Yeah, thanks for that, lads.
It's all gone really fuckin' well, innit?
- What are you looking for?
- Yes.
This.
I've done it!
Right.
Wow, we've got the whole village
under surveillance.
Well, it's about time.
You've been offline for nearly 24 hours.
And why was my so-called escort
called back to Moodley last night,
and left me chained
to the fucking briefcase?
That's Meg Nut from the poster, look.
Who are you?
You're not involved
with Project Cat-house.
Where's the Colonel?
- Get her back.
- It's on fire.
It's happening.
- What's happening?
- Phase II.
Hold on a minute. What's Phase I?
Sickness, disorientation, psychosis.
Phase II is the mutation.
They're gonna get smarter,
faster and weirder.
- What's that?
- It's called The Dolphin.
There are high-frequency
sonic deterrents all over the village,
emitting painful sound
only women can hear.
- So there was a fail-safe all along.
- It only works after Phase II.
- Obviously.
- Well, stop talking and press the button.
- Is it working?
- I dunno.
Can YOU hear it?
Um, that doesn't work, does it?
This isn't funny.
They'll be relentless now.
They hunt in packs. We are fucked!
For the sake of clarity, we're not dealing
with few insane women any more.
What you boys
have actually created here
is an army of pissed off,
man-hating, feminist cannibals.
This biological weapon can turn one half
of the population against the other.
- We can fight wars with no armies.
- So this is a test run?
You set the virus loose
in an isolated little village
and then sit and watch it on the telly?
They used to do this kind of thing
in the '50s with LSD.
Thanks, Matthew. What does
Meg Nut have to do with this?
- Not much. She's just a delivery girl.
- Yeah. But delivering WHAT?
How fucking stupid are you people?
What do you think?
A free box of Wundawash?
The virus
is in the washing powder, look.
It's biological.
Everybody, get back.
- Leave her out of it. That's my nan.
- I thought she was on a cruise.
Yeah... So did I.
Matt. Matt, no!
You've, um...
There's some stuff on your face.
All right, Matt?
Thank you.
Don't go in there, Matt.
It's the mortuary.
I think he's traumatised.
I'm the one who's fucking traumatised!
Look what he did to my nan.
Matt? Matt?
Matt...
Vince. Run, run!
What's happened?
Is he all right?
No.
So, where is he, then?
He's dead.
Come on!
That's for Matt...
bitch.
Shit, shit...
- Look at the state of him.
- We can't just leave him here.
What, in mortuary?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm just as freaked out as you are.
What was that?
Vince, don't go down there,
that's how she got in.
Yeah, and it might be our only way out.
- It's the other half of Moodley.
- Jesus, it's all the men.
- You mean parts of them.
- It's a nest.
Come on, come on!
- Get up, come on!
- Get up!
Get up the stairs! Come on!
Vince, Vince! Come on!
- Neil! Neil!
- Close the door!
Neil, give us a hand with this!
Hurry up, will ya?
Oi, what are you pair of tarts
doing up there?
Banksy, what time do you call this?
You would not believe
the shit day I've had.
- What's going on?
- Listen, soft-lad,
outside Mikey's nan's house, there's
a big ladder, go and bring it back here.
What's with the...
- Get the fucking ladder, soppy bollocks.
- Hurry up.
All right, all right,
don't get all aggressive.
Fuck, help me out!
- Get your ass outside.
- I think I'll stay a bit.
Get your ass outside now.
Go, fuck off.
Pat, go on.
- All right?
- Vince?
Hurry up!
I can see your bikini line from here.
What's with the frock?
- What are you doing?
- Vince said a get ladder.
So we can get down, you plank,
not so you can get up.
- What's happening?
- All the women have gone evil.
One of them ate Neil's finger,
Matt killed me nan with a 9-iron
and now he's dead, and we need
to get down the sodding ladder. Down.
You lot been taking drugs?
- You got some left?
- Get down, get down!
Move, move!
Go back up!
We're alive!
Let go!
Who's the monster?
- What are you still doing here?
- Wishing I wasn't.
- Come on!
- Come on, Pat. Come here.
- Come on, Pat.
- Watch his leg!
- Graham, come on, let's go.
- You go.
I'm right behind you.
Fuck me.
Fuckin' hell.
This is worse than
the fucking Pamplona Bull Run.
Fuckin' hell!
Jesus!
- Get the ladder. Get the ladder.
- What's this one?
Come on!
- Come on!
- Vince, Vince...
- Banksy, give us your phone.
- I left it at home.
Right, of course, yeah...
Where are you parked, then?
Behind the big billboard lying
across the street.
What's that?
- It's a rental.
- It's a rental?
What do you mean it's a rental?
Where's your van?
- It broke down, I forgot.
- You forgot?
Repeating everything I say
ain't gonna help, Vince.
What's not gonna help
is that fuckin' moon buggy.
Maybe we can squeeze in.
I'll sit on someone's lap.
Shut up. Forget it, it's too small.
Why did you even get here?
- What are you trying to say?
- This trip was bad a idea.
No... really?
- It could be worse.
- It could be worse?
How many fingers am I holding up?
They're fucking eating us!
- How can it get any worse?
- Can everyone shut the fuck up?
Cracking skulls open with a 9-iron
is not my idea of golfing holiday!
But this is not Mikey's fault,
and it's not Banksy's.
I'm sure as fucking shit,
it's not mine either.
Relax... Relax...
Now, we all need to work together
to facilitate some kind of positive -
and I mean POSITIVE escape scenario,
'cause I'm not dying in this shit hole!
There's nothing wrong with you
that can't be fixed with a smile.
Get on the bus.
Come on!
Ruth!
Banksy!
Banksy!
Banksy!
Come on! I've had enough
of standing here!
I'll fuckin stick it in ya!
I'll fucking stick it in ya!
Get in the fucking bus!
I'm fucking sick of it! Fuck!
Come on, Vince, let's go!
Let's go!
- What are you doing?
- I'm having a mid-life crisis.
What, now? Can't it wait?
No.
Well, it's about fucking time.
Anyone seen me lighter?
Where's me lighter?
Oi, look after it next time, yeah?
You know, I always thought you two
were completely fucking useless.
You - you just follow your dick
like it's a fucking compass.
And you - you're letting your marriage
slip through your fucking fingers.
Neither of you
know anything about women.
- So why are you two still fuckin' alive?
- We're not gonna be for much longer,
if you don't stop yapping
and get us out of here!
The rest of us, we try to do everything
by the book - and we get shafted.
We try to be what they want us to be.
You know, we become reliable,
mature, domesticated.
And then what happens?
They get bored -
that's what happens.
If all women really want is pet,
why don't they buy a fucking Labrador?
I've had enough,
being told to sit, and lie down,
and roll over, and play dead.
From now on,
what you see is what you get.
For fuck's sake!
Vince, you do know the road's blocked.
Bollocks to the roadblock. I've been
living by the highway code all my life.
Where did it get me?
A one-way ticket to Moodley.
Buckle up, lads.
We're going off road.
Vince, watch out for the old biddy.
Whoa, easy, easy!
Oh, my God!
What was that?
Fat bird.
Slow down, Vince. Slow down.
Hello, hello...
Hello? Is anybody there?
Graham, we thought you got squashed.
Where are you?
In the nest with the stiffs.
Where are you?
Coming to get you, silly twat.
Let's do it.
Who's your favourite Spice Girl?
Here's the plan. We're gonna
go down there, get Graham,
piss off to the nearest pub,
somewhere much nicer than this,
have a little bit of lunch and then get
absolutely shit-faced. Any questions?
Yeah.
You do realise
that we're slightly outnumbered, right?
Pass one of them golf clubs.
No, give me a wood.
Give him wood as well.
Right. We're outnumbered,
and outgunned.
But I've got the hump.
So we're gonna go down there
in a very ungentlemanly fashion
and... present company
excepted, of course,
bash the living shit
out of anything in a dress.
Bloody hell, Vince...
not very PC is it?
Come on.
Let's have it!
Now what?
Oi, oi!
You all right?
I've got it working.
Let me see that, let me see that.
Remote-controlled women.
- Do it again, Neil!
- My word!
Take that.
Get in there, Graham.
Be careful, Neil.
Oh, I'm lovin' this.
Absolutely lovin' it.
Lovely little thing,
ain't you, sweetheart, eh?
Vince, you got to have
a bang on this, mate. Just have a bang!
Bollocks!
Go!
Doghouse (2009)