Doctor Dolittle (1967) Movie Script

- Stop your daydreaming, Tommy Stubbins.

- Hello, Matt.

Help me select a suitable dinner

for my clients here.

- Can I push the barrow?

- It's not about to push itself, now, is it?

It's against my religion to do anything violent

at the end of the day - God bless all Irishmen.

- Know what I was thinking?

- What?

(to cat) Not for you, my darling.

It'll make your fur fall out.

I was thinking that if you sold your fish

barrow and I sold my grandfather's watch,

we could buy a boat and go to China.

You're the middle and two ends of

a fine fellow, and it's a beautiful proposition.

- But don't you see the problem?

- What's that?

- Well, do you speak Chinese?

- No.

Then if you sell your grandfather's watch

and we go to China,

- how are you going to tell the time?

- I never thought of that.

Ah, well, now, you see,

you have to plan ahead. It's very important.

I mean, the whole secret of my success with

the fish barrow was years of planning ahead.

Thank you, Charlie. May the 17 holy men

of Donnybrook reward you in heaven.

- I'd sooner you rewarded me.

- (quacking)

- (Matt) Who's this?

- (Charlie) Wild duck.

- Is that a fact?

- Flew straight into the mast, cross-eyed fool.

Can you imagine that? He was probably

under the influence. He looks Irish to me.

Don't worry, I'll fix him up.

- Bring him back! That's my dinner!

- Don't ask me to do that.

As secretary for the Preservation of Irish

Ducks it's more than my job is worth.

You never said

you were secretary of Irish ducks.

Ah, well, I don't talk about it much.

- I'm a very modest fellow.

- What are we going to do with it?

When I've finished my deliveries

we'll take him to John Doolittle.

- Who's John Doolittle?

- Eat hearty, my lovelies,

and heaven bless all Catholic pussycats.

- Who is John Dolittle?

- The greatest animal doctor in the world.

And a close personal friend of Matthew Mugg.

Lives here in Puddleby,

out on the Oxenthorpe Road.

What does he do?

He's a genius, that's what he does.

- He can talk to animals.

- Talk to them?

Speaks their language,

like you and me chatting now.

Heâ€™ll have a word with that little fellow in

wild duck talk and put him straight in no time.

Oh, the darlin' man.

He'd think nothing of travelling

round the world to cure a sick sparrow.

OnIy last week he went all the way to Africa.

- Ask me why.

- Why?

Why? I'll tell you.

To look after a crocodile with toothache.

He's altogether a marvelous man.

And he understands the Irish.

# And any man who understands the Irish

# Can't be reckoned altogether bad

# The same way that a lunatic

whose patron saint is Patrick

# Can't be reckoned altogether mad

# The doctor's very smart,

he's an Irishman at heart

# His favourite colour, sure, it must be green

# And also he's a man

who'll blarney when he can

# Let me explain the sort of thing I mean

# My friend the doctor

says the moon is made of apple pie

# And once a month it's eaten by the sun

# And that is why, up in the sky,

you'll find as every month goes by

# Somebody in the sky is making another one

# My friend the doctor

says the sun is made of Cheddar cheese

# The doctor even knows the reason why

# The facts are these, try if you please,

pretending you're a lonely cheese

# Wouldn't you want to try

finding an apple pie? Of course you would

# Maybe what the doctor tells me

# Isn't altogether true

# But I love every tale he tells me

# I don't know any better ones, do you?

# My friend the doctor

says the world is full of fantasy

# And who are you and I to disagree?

# Let's hope and pray that is the way

the life we love will always stay

# For my friend the doctor

# And me

(# whistles)

# La, la, la, la

Here, Tom, catch!

# My friend the doctor

says the stars are made of lemon drops

# The bigger ones are lollipops and ice,

come on

# The clouds have shops up on the top

that sells you sweets and soda pop

# What do they call the place?

Isn't it paradise?

(thunder)

# My friend the doctor

says that every time it starts to rain

# And people run indoors again in swarms

# If you remain out in the rain

you'll think you're drinking pink champagne

# And you'll spend your life

praying for thunderstorms

# Maybe what the doctor tells me

# Isn't altogether true

# But I love every tale he tells me

# I don't know any better ones,

do you?

# My friend the doctor

says the world is full of fantasy

# And who are you and I to disagree?

# Let's hope and pray that is the way

the life we love will always stay

# For my friend the doctor

# My friend the doctor and me

- (doorbell)

- (parrot squawks, monkey screeches)

- What was that?

- Ah, now, that's just some of his pets.

Pets?

Polynesia, my lovely little darlin'.

Give us a kiss, then. Here.

And Chee-Chee, how are you, my old rascal?

I'd like you to meet one of my dearest friends,

Master Thomas Stubbins.

- Tom, this is Miss Polynesia.

- How do you do, Master Stubbins?

How do you do, Miss Polynesia?

You want to watch out for her, Tom.

She's 199 years old

and she can remember every word

that's been spoken to her

since the execution of Charles I in 1648.

- Isn't that right, Polynesia?

- No, Matthew, 'twas 1649.

30 January, to be precise.

- 'Twas a Tuesday.

- Oh, er, yeah. You see what I mean.

- And this is Chee-Chee.

- How do you do, Chee-Chee?

- And where's the good doctor?

- In the library. Show them in, Chee-Chee.

I know he's in there.

(clears throat)

Good heavens, Matthew. I'm terribly sorry.

I must have frightened them out of their lives.

- Matthew, you're soaking wet.

- You're a little on the damp side yourself, sir.

Oh, it's these fish languages.

They really only work underwater.

It's fascinating.

The basic system is mouth movements

and bubble signals.

I can only make big bubbles

and they keep telling me I'm shouting.

Begging my ignorance, sir, but...

what can you hope to get out

of a conversation with a goldfish?

Matthew, I'll show you.

The legendary great pink sea snail.

For hundreds of years

sailors have claimed they've seen it.

Poor devils. It's that rotten stuff they drink.

But what has this got to do with goldfish?

I believe it actually exists.

What's that got to do with the goldfish?

I'm planning a voyage to find it,

if I can get enough money.

Oh, may the saints reward you, sir.

But what's that got to do with...?

Well, I find it, I'm going to want to talk to it.

Therefore, I have to acquire a knowledge

of Ancient Shellfish, which is complicated,

so I'm starting with basic fish languages

like Halibut, Mackerel and Goldfish.

Ah. There, you see,

I knew it had something to do with goldfish.

Now, about your last voyage, Doctor.

Did you find the crocodile

with the toothache?

Crocodile?

Oh! Yes, in the Congo, yes.

I got back on Saturday.

Look.

Isn't that a beauty, now?

Make a marvelous bottle opener.

Look at that, Tom.

Oh, forgive me, Doctor.

This is my old pal Tommy Stubbins.

- Hello, Stubbins.

- How do you do?

- He's brought a patient for you.

- It's a duck, sir.

(Dolittle) It's a drake.

- You're sopping wet, too.

- Yes, sir. It's raining.

- (duck quacks)

- (Dolittle quacks)

- He's hurt his wing.

- Yes, so he's just been telling me.

- (duck quacks)

- Oh. (Dolittle quacks)

Poor chap. Yes, I'm sorry.

(duck quacks)

(quacks) He had a row with his wife

and wasn't looking where he was going.

- Do you mean he told you all that?

- They're neurotic creatures.

(duck quacks)

- You'll be all right by the morning.

- (quacks)

Yes, I'll get word to your wife. (quacks)

WhiIe our friend's convalescing,

I'll try and find you something dry to wear.

Then we can all have some food together.

Polynesia!

- Two more for dinner.

- Yes, Doctor.

Oh, and Matthew,

hoId onto that crocodile's tooth.

Must be a bottle somewhere

you can open with it.

(pig squeals)

Gub-Gub.

Will you stop making that infernal noise?

It's a few pork sausages and a bit of bacon.

Anyone would think

we were cooking your entire family.

Chee-Chee, make him behave.

(screeches)

Ah, but you can hardly blame him

for being a bit upset, Doctor.

I mean, I'd be a bit upset myself

if you started frying Irishmen.

You know the problem as well as I do.

I've 600 mouths to feed, including the mice.

- 600?

- Yes.

If old Scroggs the butcher

gives me sausages now and then, I take them.

Whether it upsets Gub-Gub or not.

- He eats more than any of us.

- You sure you won't have anything?

- Quite sure, thank you, Matthew.

- Aren't you hungry?

Yes, but I follow a very special diet.

- It's highly nutritious and very good.

- Oh, I see.

The doctor's in rather

an awkward position, you see, Tom.

- Aren't you, Doctor?

- What do you mean?

If you understand, Stubbins, he means meats.

It upsets the animals if I...

- Oh, of course.

- So I don't.

I think it's a matter of principle one should

always try to avoid eating one's friends.

# The day that I became a veterinarian,

I had a sudden overwhelming wish

# To be a pure and simple vegetarian

and give up eating all that meat and fish

- I think that's marvelous.

- Meat is very unhealthy for you.

# Yes, so now I live on healthy food instead

# Like apple cores and parsnip juice

and chunks of plain brown bread

(moos)

All right, all right. I'm coming.

# When I see my fellow men

consuming sirloin steak

# And I find myself enjoying tea

and Dundee cake

# There is really only one conclusion

I can make

- # I'm a devoted vegetarian

- (sheep bleat)

No, no, no. You've had yours.

# When my host at dinner

offers succulent roast beef

# Proudly I refuse it, people stare in disbelief

# Lost in admiration as I nibble on a bean

# A very noted vegetarian

I wouldn't even eat horseradish

in case I upset the horses.

# I stay away from devilled ham

on principle

# I wouldn't eat roast duckling if I could

# Will power has made me invincible

# My word, those sausages look good

Where's my dinner gone?

They've done it again.

Come on, own up. Who's got it this time?

Who's got my dinner?

It's bad enough to have to eat this muck.

Just cos I eat this instead of eating them,

they take advantage.

You've no idea what I put up with.

# I eat every flowering shrub there is

except for gorse

# Sometimes I get luxuries

like beetroot leaves, of course

# My life's much the same

as that of any English horse

# Why should I be a vegetarian?

# Turnip pie and peanuts,

that's the sort of filth I eat

# Any sort of rubbish

that is wholesome and discreet

# Why don't I admit

that my hypocrisy's complete?

# If I should live to be a centenarian

# Become our most adored humanitarian

# Iâ€™ll never make a decent vegetarian

# I'm a cheat, I love meat,

I'm a cheat, yes, I am

# I love red, bloodied,

juicy chunks of meat, legs of Iamb

# Sides of beef and chops and steaks and veal

and pork, of course, my favourite meal

(Gub-Gub squeals)

# And then I hear poor Gub-Gub squeal

# Oh me, oh my

# A reluctant but sincere vegetarian

# Am I

So you see, Stubbins,

being an animal doctor has its problems.

You don't get paid, at least not in money.

You get bones or nuts or worms or whatever

the animal's currency happens to be.

Secondly, most of the animals who come

here as patients like it so much, they stay.

Hardly what you'd call

a profit-making enterprise.

- Who looks after the animals?

- They look after themselves for the most part.

Animals are better at that

than human beings.

And how did you become a veteran?

Stubbins, the word is veterinarian.

Say animal doctor, it's less pretentious.

It all happened rather suddenly, actually.

My entire life changed in one day,

didn't it, Matthew?

Oh, it was altogether marvelous.

It was my sister Sarah who started it all.

Sarah.

Did you know that an ant has more

intelligence than a hippopotamus?

And a grasshopper, in relation to its size, has

more power in its hind legs than a kangaroo.

Absolutely fascinating.

There's no doubt about it - animals

are much more interesting than people.

Good heavens, Sarah,

what on earth are you doing down there?

There are pigeons in the linen cupboard.

- I thought it would be warmer for them.

- You knew?

I put them there.

It gets so chilly in the roof at night.

And two tortoises in the guest room.

That's where they are.

I wondered where they went.

And white mice in your chest of drawers.

That's right. And the grass snakes

are in the desk under the envelopes.

Grass snakes?! John Dolittle, if those animals

aren't out of this house by tonight...

- (doorbell)

- Oh, dear.

Nine o'clock precisely.

That'll be Lady Petherington. Wonder

what she's found wrong with herself today?

All right, Sarah, show her in, please.

- I mean it, John. I shall leave. Those animals!

- (doorbell)

They're destroying your practice.

You won't have a decent patient left soon.

Not unless you answer the door.

I don't understand the things that go on

in this house with those animals.

And we'll probably

never see the vicar's wife again,

after giving her that glass of milk

with a frog in it.

I really don't know what you expect me to do.

Oh, good morning, Lady Petherington.

Are we feeling better today?

We are no better for being left to freeze

to death on Doctor's front doorsteps.

Dr Dolittle.

It's my nerves.

You must do something for them instantly.

Oh, you'll never guess what happened.

- It's quite the worst experience of my life.

- Won't you come in, Lady Petherington?

I was giving this dinner party last night

up at the grange for the Duke of St Albans.

50 guests. The most embarrassing

moment of my entire life.

A mouse ran across the table.

I thought I'd die. I may still.

Can you imagine - a mouse?

Do you know who was there?

Well, of course, everybody. The humiliation.

Crown Prince Angelicus of Brandenburg.

He's so well-bred,

he doesn't even know what a mouse is.

Fainted dead away.

I haven't slept all night.

Of course, I discharged my entire staff,

especially the gardeners.

I'll be struck from the social directory.

A mouse.

(doorbell)

- vicar. What a surprise!

- (sneezes) Bless me.

How's your frog... I mean, your wife?

Oh, the less said about her, the better.

I mean, that incident was most unf-f-f-f...

..fortunate! (sneezes) Bless me.

Miss Dolittle, it's my hay fever.

The Bishop of Glastonbury

is attending my sermon

and it's most important,

you understand, but my...

(sneezes as Lady Petherington screams)

A m-m-m... Oh!

Oh! My foot! My foot! Oh!

Where in the hell does that woman

think she's going?! Get out of my way!

(sneezes)

Oh!

- (sneezes)

- Oh! Oh!

(screams)

- Oh!

- (barks)

(cat meows)

Agh! Oh!

(screaming)

Oh!

Let me out of this madhouse!

- Agh!

- (window smashes)

(sobs)

- John.

- Yes, Sarah.

I shall give you just five minutes

to make up your mind.

Either you get rid of every hideous bird,

beast and reptile in this ridiculous menagerie

or I am leaving today.

Five minutes.

- Sarah, I canâ€™t just...

- Oh, yes, you can just.

I don't think five minutes is very long.

- Anybody home?

- Oh, hello, Matthew.

Well, I didn't know you was having a party.

What are we celebrating?

You know, Matthew,

today I made a great discovery.

Oh.

I'm a terrible doctor.

I'm probably the worst doctor in the world.

Good for you.

I like a man who knows his worth.

I have absolutely no interest

in the health and welfare of my patients.

I can't begin to communicate with them.

I don't even want to communicate with them.

In fact, I've come to the conclusion that,

with the exception of yourself,

I have nothing in common

with the human race.

You know, the trouble with you, John Dolittle,

is you prefer animals to people.

But animals are

so much more fun than people.

(Polynesia) Then be an animal doctor.

- What was that?

- I said be an animal doctor.

Animal doctor?

You know more about animals

than anybody I've ever met.

I could get every sick animal

within miles to come to you.

Aye, so could I. At least all the dogs and cats.

All the rich ones, that is -

the pekes and the poodles.

- I could slip a little something in their meat.

- Shh. What do you mean?

I mean there isn't one good animal doctor

in the west of England.

Farmer Green's cow was saying

only the other day

she just will not have another calf

until she gets a decent doctor.

You mean you spoke to her?

At the Animals' Welfare League.

We meet every Wednesday. She's chaircow.

You mean animals

actually talk to one another?

Well, of course we can.

Do you think we're all dumb?

I... No, no. I knew parrots could talk.

Parrots are the finest linguists

in the animal kingdom.

I speak over 2,000 languages,

including Dodo and Unicorn.

- Unicorn?

- I had a classical education.

Polynesia, could I learn to talk to animals?

I don't see why not. You're quite intelligent.

Oh, thank you.

If I succeeded, I could become

the greatest animal doctor in the world.

Oh, no question. Mind you, it isn't easy.

I'm the only parrot in the world who actually

understands what she's talking about.

If you can do it, I don't see why I shouldn't.

I like your attitude.

Why have I never thought of this before?

Polynesia, I want you

to teach me everything you know.

What? 2,000 languages?

Certainly. We'll start at eight tomorrow.

But it took me over 100 years.

Then weâ€™ll start at seven.

There's not a moment to lose.

Matthew, think what it would mean

if I could talk to the animals.

# Just imagine it -

chatting to a chimp in Chimpanzee

# Imagine talking to a tiger,

chatting to a cheetah

# What a neat achievement that would be

# If we could talk to the animals,

learn their languages

# Maybe take an animal degree

# I'd study Elephant and Eagle,

Buffalo and Beagle

# Alligator, Guinea pig and Flea

# I would converse in Polar Bear and Python

# And I would curse in fluent Kangaroo

# If people asked me,

"Can you speak Rhinoceros?"

# I'd say, "Of courseros, can't you?"

(cat meows)

# If I conferred with our furry friends,

man to animal

# Think of the amazing repartee

# If I could walk with the animals,

talk with the animals

# Grunt and squeak

and squawk with the animals

# And they could talk to me

# If I consulted with quadrupeds,

think what fun we'd have

# Asking over crocodiles for tea

# Or maybe lunch with two or three lions,

walruses or sea lions

# What a lovely place the world would be

(cock crows)

# If I spoke slang to orang-utans

# The advantages

any fool on earth could plainly see

# Discussing Eastern art and dramas

with intellectual llamas

# That's a big step forward, you'll agree

# I'd learn to speak in Antelope and Turtle

# My Pecanese would be extremely good

# If I were asked to sing in Hippopotamus

# I'd say, "Why notamus?" and would

# If I could parley with pachyderms

# It's a fairytale

worthy of Hans Andersen or Grimm

# A man who walks with the animals,

talks with the animals

# Grunts and squeaks

and squawks with the animals

This is the most exciting thing

to happen to me.

- I can't wait to start.

- (pig snorts)

Just the very thing.

For instance, Polynesia, how would I say

good morning to our friend there in pig talk?

That's simple. (snorts)

- Was that it?

- Why, yes.

It's remarkable.

What was all the leg-shaking business?

That's part of "good morning".

Most animal languages

are a mixture of sounds and movements.

A short snort means "good",

shaking the leg means "morning".

- And you just put the two together?

- That's right.

(snorts)

- She didn't answer me.

- That's your right leg. That's "good night".

Oh. (snorts)

(pig snorts)

She answered. Did you see that?

She answered. All I went was... (snorts)

- Did it again. Good heavens! I speak Pig!

- Where are we going?

I want to say good morning

to every animal in Puddleby.

(snorts)

- (Dolittle moos)

- (cow moos)

- (Dolittle whinnies)

- (horse whinnies)

(swans cackle)

(goats bleat)

It's incredible. It's impossible. But it's true.

# A man can talk to the animals

# It's a miracle.

In a year from now, I guarantee

# Iâ€™ll be the marvel of the mammals,

playing chess with camels

# No more just a boring old MD

# Iâ€™ll study every living creature's language

# So I can speak to all of them on sight

# If friends say,

"Can he talk in Crab or Pelican?"

# You'll say, "Like hell he can"

and youâ€™ll be right

# And if you just stop to think of it,

there's no doubt of it

# I shall win a place in history

# For I can walk with the animals

# Talk with the animals

# Grunt and squeak

and squawk with the animals

(animals all make noises)

# And they can squeak and squawk

and speak and talk

# To me

So needless to say, Stubbins, I've never seen

nor spoken to dear sister Sarah from that day.

But I do have the consolation

of being able to speak 498 animal languages,

any one of which is more fun

than talking to Sarah.

498?

With Goldfish, it'll be 499.

I think when you get to 500, Doctor,

we ought to have a party.

You'll need more than languages before

we can search for the great pink sea snail.

Voyages cost money, you know.

Quite. Now, gentlemen, if you forgive me,

animals are earlier risers than human beings.

- I've got to be up at 5:30 to open the clinic.

- (thunder)

Good heavens. You can't go home in that.

Matthew, make up a bed here

if you don't mind Gub-Gub snoring.

Stubbins can sleep on the sofa in the library.

Polynesia will go to your house

and tell your parents you're OK.

- Good night.

He's a genius.

(Gub-Gub snores)

(cock crows)

(Polynesia imitates cockerel)

I think you're next.

(cow moos)

(Dolittle moos)

- What did you tell her?

- To take two of these pills three times a day.

Polynesia, remember that Lady

owes us a gallon of milk.

- All right, Doctor.

- Now, what next?

- This mouse, he has a bent tail.

- Oh, it's you again.

- (Dolittle squeaks)

- (mouse squeaks)

Well, that's the third time this week.

- What's that machine?

- Whisker and tail straightener. My invention.

These fieldmice are always getting caught

in General Bellowes' pantry up at the grange.

Being a military man, he has

a regular defence system of mousetraps.

They're all having very narrow escapes,

like this one.

There we are, that should do it.

Good as new. There.

- (mouse squeaks)

- (Dolittle squeaks)

No, no, no, there's no charge,

but keep away from General Bellowes' pantry.

- Next.

- (fox barks)

(barks) Morning, Sheila.

- On the desk, please, Stubbins.

- Yes, sir.

(fox barks)

(Dolittle barks)

- Oh, I see.

- What's the matter?

One of her children has got fIat feet.

That right? This one?

Very dangerous in hunting season.

Can't run fast enough.

We'll have to work out some form of exercise.

Something like that. Anyhow,

we'd better see our other patients first.

We'll get on with this later.

Good boy, Jip.

(Polynesia squawks)

Ah, Toggle.

- (Dolittle whinnies)

- (Toggle whinnies)

Oh, yes, of course.

Toggleâ€™s getting a bit short-sighted

in his old age.

Now, we'll just test these.

Now, I'm sure this

will be better than Iast time.

- (Dolittle whinnies)

- (Toggle whinnies)

(Toggle whinnies)

Good Lord, that's excellent.

Polynesia, remember Toggle owes me a free

ride next time I go to Plymouth or Penzance.

Yes, Doctor.

(man) What the devil!

I'll murder him!

- Bellowes' voice.

- Dammit!

Out of my way! Out of my way!

Get out of my way! Get out of my way!

There he is. We've caught him red-handed.

- Emma, you're a witness.

- A witness to what?

The most flagrant display of organised

animal stealing in the history of Puddleby.

Organised...? I beg... I am a doctor, sir.

You are a horse thief, sir. That is my plough

horse. It's no good trying to disguise him.

He's wearing glasses

because he's short-sighted.

I'd recognise him anywhere.

Take them off. At once, sir!

Short-sighted? That won't be

convincing in front of the magistrate.

- Magistrate?

- I'm prosecuting.

And I don't fancy your chances in court.

I'm the magistrate.

And if I weren't late for my fox hunt,

I'd report you for cruelty to animals.

(foxes bark)

- Don't touch her! She's one of my patients.

- One of your what?

She's been chased by your fox hounds

three times in two weeks.

You murdered her husband and if anything

happened her, her babies would be orphans.

- It's all right, Sheila. I won't let him hurt you.

- I've never heard... Sheila?!

The sight of you

is enough to give her a heart attack.

Look at her, she's a nervous wreck.

She'll be more than that

by the time I've finished with her!

- You'll never catch her.

- Tally-ho!

There are times

when the English are rather tiresome.

Bellowes, no!

(barking)

(Bellowes) I'll kill you!

Get out of it! Out of it!

Ah, well.

(dogs yelp)

Never catch her, eh?

What do you think this is?

My horse!

- Where did they come from?

- North America.

We formed an Anglo-American

fox protection society.

- Purely voluntary, of course.

- (fox barks)

Fox protection society?

During the hunting season,

a skunk will always run with a fox.

To put the hounds off the scent.

I never dreamt it would work so well.

- How dare you?!

- I beg your pardon.

- General Bellowes...

- He does.

- ..is my uncle.

- I'm sorry.

- Is that an apology?

- I'm sorry he's your uncle.

- And I'm sorry I'm his niece.

- It must be terrible.

- What do you mean?

- Having a name like Bellowes.

- My name is Emma Fairfax.

- Oh, that's a bit better.

And what I meant was

that if I was his nephew instead of his niece...

If you were his nephew,

you'd hardly be called Emma.

- If I were a man...

- Fred Fairfax.

I've never in my entire experience known

anyone treat people as appallingly as you do.

- I don't treat people, I treat animals.

- You treat people like animals too.

I don't like people whose idea of pIeasure

is to take a defenceless animal

and make a social event out of a killing.

- That's it, you tell her.

- I am telling her.

- You make...

- Furthermore...

- Don't keep interrupting me.

- I'm sorry. What did you wish to say?

Oh. I've forgotten.

I would deem it a favour if, in future,

you and your bloodthirsty relatives

would avoid upsetting the animals.

In any case, I find it hard to believe

that a grown man can waste his entire life

playing with animals in the first place.

I find it equally hard to believe

that a grown woman can spend her entire life

doing absolutely nothing.

You've got to admit that for someone

called Fred she's a fair-looking fella.

# If I were a man

# I'd scratch his eyes out

# I'd tear his hair out by the roots

# And kick his shins in with my boots

# And I would bite his hand as only I can

# If only I could be a man

# A great man would not hesitate

# To put Doctor Dolittle to death

# Attila the Hun, to name only one

# Would chuckle at his dying breath

# It seems a man can be as rude as he likes,

crude as he likes, lewd as he likes too

# But a girl must be discreet as she can,

sweet as she can, neat as she can too

# But that's not the life that I want to lead

# Normal and formal as homespun tweed

# I need the freedom to go

# Where I please

# But where do I please?

# I don't know

# That's the trouble

# I don't know

# Here I stand at the crossroads of life

# Childhood behind me, the future to come

# And alone

# Nothing planned at the crossroads of life

# But life will find me

more grateful than some

# It has known

# Grateful to see

# All the wonderful things I see

# Grateful to be

# What life expects me to be

# So I stand at the crossroads of life

# This way or that way, well, which shall I go?

# Towards the left or the right?

# Towards the day or the night?

# Towards the dark or the Iight?

# Only my heart can know

# Only my heart

# Can know

(purring)

- What is it?

- I don't know, Doctor. It just arrived for you.

It's making funny noises.

- Extraordinary thing.

- It's from Tibet.

It's probably that pink sea snail

you was looking for.

No, it's not big enough for that.

What do you suppose it is?

- Well, we could always open it and find out.

- Oh, yes. What a good idea.

Oh, look. It's a llama.

Come on, boy. Come on, boy.

I think he's nervous. Open up the other end

and give him a push, Matthew.

There.

Ha! There's another one at this end.

There's two of 'em.

Two? How thoughtful of somebody.

People are awfully nice.

- What are you going to do with them?

- We could make a couple of nice overcoats.

(purrs) Come on, boy. Come on, boy.

(Matthew) This way, lad. Come on.

That's a good fella.

I don't believe it.

It can't be.

- It is! It is!

- What? What, what, what, what?

It's a pushmi-pullyu. Look!

Holy O'Reilly, forgive me.

I'll never touch another drop.

Pat the other end, they're very timid.

This is the first one that's ever been captured.

If I had a head at each end,

I'd take a bit of catching too.

(purrs)

- What's he saying?

- It's difficult to understand.

It's a camel dialect with rather a thick accent.

(purrs)

- A message? Oh, a message for me.

- Is this it?

- It's from Long Arrow. I shouldâ€™ve guessed.

- Who's he when he's at home?

The greatest naturalist in the world

and an old friend. He's a Red lndian.

Oh. With a name like Long Arrow,

I didn't think he was Irish.

- What's all them drawings, Doctor?

- Picture writing, it's how we communicate.

This means the pushmi-pullyu is a gift.

The open hand, you see.

For me. That's me.

From his friend, Long Arrow.

To make money to take a ship

to search for the great pink sea snail.

Signed Long Arrow.

That's marvelous, but tell me, Doctor, how

do you make money with a pushmi-pullyu?

I thought it was obvious. Stubbins,

what would you do if you had two heads?

- I'd join a circus, sir.

- Exactly.

- I'm looking for the proprietor.

- You've found him. Albert Blossom.

- How do you do? My name's Dolittle.

- I'm not interested.

- I thought you might like to see an unusual...

- No, I wouldn't.

It's probably something you haven't seen.

- I've seen everything.

- You aren't interested?

- That's right. I'm not interested.

- Come along, Matthew.

- Sorry to have troubled you. Good day.

- Good day.

- It's a trick.

- No, it's no trick.

- Wha... I... I've never seen anything like it.

- Neither has anybody else.

Hey! Whoa! Come here. Just a minute. Hey!

I mean, I... I've never seen anything like it.

# I mean, I've seen the world, I've been around

# I could tell you stories

that would quite astound you

# I'm not a fool, I went to school

# I've been from Liverpool to Istanbul,

Istanbul, I'm no fool

# And anyone will tell you

that I'm sharper than a knife

# But I've never seen anything like it in my life

- It's a pushmi-pullyu.

- # Is it? Well, I've never seen anything like it

# I've never seen anything like it

# I've never seen anything like it in my life

- It's the rarest animal on earth.

- It certainly is!

Hey! I say, hold up a moment. Hey!

# I mean, I know the game, I've seen 'em all

# I could tell you stories

that would quite enthrall you

# I know my job pleasing the mob

# I give them what they want for just two bob

Just two bob, well, that's my job

# This is so fantastic

I can't wait to tell the wife

# Gertie, you've never seen

anything like it in your life

# Come on out,

you've never seen anything like it

# I've never seen anything like it

# You've never seen

anything like it in your life

It's a bicranium, madam.

Arthur! Charlie!

Joe! Come and have a look at this!

Beverley, get Joe!

# I thought I'd seen every wonder in the world

# I've seen the Coliseum in Rome

and the Acropolis

# I've made the biggest blunder in the world

# Cos I've never seen anything quite like this

Now look what you've done.

You've frightened him. Hey, come back!

# I'm down-to-earth, Iâ€™ll tell you straight,

I could tell you stories that'd fascinate you

# I know the trade, I know the tricks

# I once bought an elephant

for two pound six,

# Two pound six, taught it tricks

# But for your pushmi-pullyu,

I'd pay three pounds

# Four pounds

# Five, cos I've never

seen anything like it that's alive

Here, I tell you what.

I'd even pay for it in cash.

Fine. Wasn't exactly what we had in mind.

# Because, you see, pushmi-pullyus

are remarkable creatures

# Of all God's animals, they're the cleverest

# They developed these remarkable features

running up and down Mount Everest

- No.

- Yes. Absolutely true.

Running up and down Mount Everest?

Exactly. You see...

# Running up and down the mountain

gives them very nimble feet

# Put 'em on the right rope, they could walk a

tightrope, that'd give the audience a rare treat

# And this extreme agility begets a rare ability

# Shared only with

the mountain goats of France

# The pushmi-pullyu loves to dance

(purrs)

I'll give you anything you want.

- The terms are quite simpIe.

- Anything you want!

- Four week engagement.

- Right.

- Share all profits equally.

- Right.

- Two performances a day.

- Oh, uh, no. Four performances a day.

Just a minute.

(purrs)

- We have a problem.

- (purrs)

- What do they want?

- Three shows a day.

Four on Saturday?

- They agree.

- Done!

- My dear Dolittle.

- I'm awfully sorry.

- You've never seen anything like it.

- I've never seen anything like it.

Dolittle... Me.

Thank you very much.

- Me.

- No. Dolittle.

# I mean, you're not a fool, neither am I

# I could tell you stories

that would stultify you

# Open your eyes, what do you see?

# This thing's a miracle for you and me

# Guaranteed

# I agree

# Within a meager month

I've seen my wildest dreams come true

# Cos I've never seen anything like it,

nor have you

# Oh, I've never seen anything like it,

never seen anything like it

# I've never seen anything like it

# In all my life

What's the matter with you, Sophie?

Come on, Sophie, catch it.

Try again, Sophie.

Come on, Sophie.

- That's yours.

- Oh.

Right, well, I'm off to the bank.

Ah, here we are now.

"Seals are notoriously sentimental creatures."

"Separation from those they love can result

in lack of interest in their usual activity."

That will explain why Sophie

keeps dropping things.

It isn't like her. I'm sure she's pining for some

reason. Must go and have a chat with her.

- This fellow knows what he's talking about.

- Who wrote the book, Doctor?

Oh, I did.

Just a moment.

I have something to say to you, Mr Dolittle.

- Doctor.

- Doctor?

I've heard of some hypocrites in my time,

but you are contemptible.

All that sanctimonious claptrap

about protecting defenceless creatures.

And here you are,

an animal trainer in a cheap circus.

Exhibiting freaks.

- Why don't you go and make some cocoa?

- I don't want any cocoa. Do you?

I'd love some, lad. Yes. Off you go.

Hello, Fred.

He is... He's very rude.

Who? The doctor?

Oh, no, not at all. He's a darlin' man.

- Did you hear what he said about my uncle?

- Oh, that.

He's a darlin' man, but he's very rude.

Of course, I wouldn't mind so much,

except everything he said was true.

Ah, well, now, you should never

believe anybody who tells the truth.

They're not to be trusted.

You have to do it both ends,

otherwise it gets jeaIous.

He was too ashamed

to say anything just now, of course.

- Too nice.

- Nice?

He's the kindest man on God's earth, Fred.

And he understands animals better

than you and me will understand anything.

Well, I certainly don't understand him.

Ah, sure, now.

He's one of the beautiful people.

And I'm sure, now,

he's one of the horrible people.

You're wrong, sweetheart.

# I can't explain what it is that he is

# But he is what he is for a very good reason

# I can't explain why he does what he does

# But he does what he does

cos his heart is pure

# Of that much I am sure

# I'm sure, as I told young Tom the other day

# He lives in a world of fantasy

# And that is a world I plan to see

# Fantasy

# Can't you see?

# The world is full of beautiful things

# Butterfly wings, fairytale kings

# And each new day undoubtedly brings

# Still more beautiful things

# The world abounds with many delights

# Magical sights, fanciful flights

# And those who dream on beautiful nights

# Dream of beautiful things

# Beautiful days for sunshine lazing

# Beautiful skies and shores

# Beautiful days

when I can gaze in beautiful eyes

# Like yours

# Our lives tick by like pendulum swings

# Poor little things, puppets on strings

# But life is full of beautiful things

# Beautiful people too

# Beautiful people

# Like you

- (seal barks)

- (Dolittle) I see. I see.

I'm sorry.

Ah, cocoa. Come in, gentlemen. You know

Sophie, don't you? Oh, yes, of course you do.

Seems we have a problem on our hands.

Sophie misses her husband.

That's why she couldn't

concentrate on her performances.

- Where is her husband?

- The North Pole. That's the problem.

They were on their way there

when Sophie was captured.

If she doesn't get back to him,

she feels she's going to go to pieces.

What do you want us to do?

Go to the North Pole?

There isn't time. It's very pleasant up there.

The North Pole hasn't been discovered.

Not officially. I never say anything about it

cos I promised the polar bears I wouldn't.

Anyway, that's beside the point.

We've got to get Sophie back to her husband.

Now, if I could get her to the Bristol Channel,

she could swim it in about a week.

Go along there, round that bit,

straight on and then slightly to the left.

Oh, that's great,

but how does she get to the Bristol Channel?

- Well, she'd have to escape.

- Escape? A seal?

I can hardly go to Blossom and say she wants

to go to the North Pole to see her husband.

Do you know something?

She's going to have to escape.

Tonight.

- (Sophie barks)

- Shh.

- (man) Is everything all right?

- It's my grandmother.

She's not very well. I'm taking her to Bristol.

- Can you smell fish?

- Fish?

It's Granny.

She's on a special diet.

Very wise, sir.

- Are you all right, dear? Enjoying the trip?

- (Sophie barks)

That's good.

Whoa.

What's the delay?

Jack Fitch, the highwayman, has been seen.

We have to search all coaches.

Help yourself. You'll find no surprise in here.

All right, driver.

Go on! Get on! Get on!

All right, go on.

(whinnies)

Come back here, Nelly!

Nelly, come back here! Where are you going?!

I say, where are you going, Nelly?

Come on back! Come back here, I tell you!

Well, here we are.

Sorry if it was an uncomfortable journey,

but it was really the only way.

There, there, there, Sophie. Don't get upset.

I can't bear females who cry.

Shh.

Don't look at me like that, Sophie,

or I'll get upset too.

Dear Sophie.

You understand so much, don't you?

# When I look in your eyes,

I see the wisdom of the world in your eyes

# I see the sadness of a thousand goodbyes

# When I look in your eyes

# And it is no surprise

# To see the softness of the moon

in your eyes

# The gentle sparkle of the stars in the skies

# When I look in your eyes

(Sophie barks)

# In your eyes I see the deepness of the sea

# I see the deepness of the love

# The love I feel you feel for me

# Autumn comes, summer dies

# I see the passing of the years in your eyes

# And when we part,

there'll be no tears, no goodbyes

# Iâ€™ll just look into your eyes

# Dear Sophie, those eyes so wise,

# So warm, so reaI

# Isn't it a pity you're a seal?

- Well, she's on her way.

- What did you throw her in for?

She wanted to go back to her husband.

No, no. You don't understand at all.

She wasn't a woman, she was a seal.

- A seal?

- Yes.

- Dressed in a bonnet and shawl?

- That's right. Yes.

I sort of borrowed it

from this lady in the tavern.

The bonnet had a little brown ribbon...

Never mind about the brown ribbon. You then

took the seal to Bristol in a stagecoach

and upon arrival,

promptly threw her over a cliff?

Exactly.

May one ask why?

Certainly. She wanted to go to the North Pole

to see her husband.

(laughter)

- Her husband?

- Yes.

And what makes you think this seal

wanted to go to the North Pole?

- Well, she told me.

- She told you?

Yes. We discussed it in great detail.

Are you in the habit of talking to animals?

Yes, I am. I do it all the time.

I thought perhaps you did.

With all due respect, Your Worship, I think

I detect a note of scepticism in the court.

I would therefore like to prove the point

by talking to any animal

you care to nominate.

Very well, then. My dog Rufus is outside.

Bring him in.

(Dolittle barks) Oh, very kind.

This way, please.

(Dolittle barks)

Thank you very much. Yes, Rufus will be only

too happy to answer any questions you ask.

I think we can dispense with that formality.

Ask him what I had for dinner last night.

Very well. (barks)

(Rufus barks)

Did he?

Well. Really, did he? Good Lord.

Well, well, did he really?

Well, well, well.

What did he say?

I'm grateful that Your Worship acknowledges

the fact that the dog was talking.

For dinner last night,

Your Lordship enjoyed the following.

Two helpings of boiled trout,

four helpings of roast pheasant,

roast potatoes, Brussels sprouts and gravy.

Followed by six large portions

of blackberry pie with whipped cream.

It's not true.

I only had five helpings of blackberry pie.

Your also drank

a great deal of wine and brandy

and later, sang noisy songs with your friends

about a young woman from Swansea.

That's enough!

The court is adjourned until tomorrow

pending enquiries about the stolen bonnet.

Thank you.

Well, by my calculation, the trial will be over

by 11 o'clock tomorrow morning.

Polynesia, how much

did we earn from the circus?

- 206 pounds, seven and four pence halfpenny.

- Ah, more than enough.

I see no reason

why we shouldn't set out right away.

Go to the house and pick up my clothes

and have the boat ready to sail by 12.

We'll catch the noon tide

or whatever it's called.

We haven't got a crew, so weâ€™ll have to make

do with you, Stubbins and the animals.

- Do you mean I can come too?

- If your parents say so. You can tie knots.

Hear that? We're going to help

the doctor find the sea snail.

Aye, I should wait until you see his boat

before you get too excited.

It isn't by chance it's called The Flounder.

No sailor in his right mind would touch it.

I'm not asking a sailor in his right mind,

Matthew, I was asking you.

What do you say?

I say that for a man

who's about to be hanged for murder

to be getting ready to go on a pleasure cruise

shows a very nice outlook.

Fred.

To what do we owe this pleasure?

- I brought dinner.

- Dinner?

Yes. For Matthew and Tommy.

Set it down there, Hubert. Steak

and kidney pie and oxtail and roast beef.

- Would you like some?

- No.

Oh, come on, Doctor.

You haven't had a bite all day.

He's a vegetarian.

Oh, no.

- Seems a pity to waste it.

- It's all right, Matthew. Carry on.

I'm sorry, Doctor. Come on, Tom.

Doctor...

Rufus was right.

He did have six helpings of blackberry pie.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Chee-Chee.

It seems that a bonnet and shawl were

removed from the tavern on the day.

The lady who owns them, for reasons best

known to herself, has no wish to prosecute.

You are therefore acquitted

of the charge of murder.

- Thank you very much.

- However...

Your performance in this court room

in the past two days

has left little doubt in the minds

of my colleagues and myself

that your lunatic activities with animals

infringe upon the public safety

and are not to be tolerated.

Happily, Her Majesty's far-seeing

benevolence provides a sanctuary

for sad people like you who talk to animals

and want to treat them like humans.

Therefore, it is a judgment of this court

that you be committed indefinitely

to an asylum for the insane.

Do you have anything to say?

# I do not understand the human race

# It has so little love

for creatures with a different face

# Treating animals like people

is no madness or disgrace

# I do not understand the human race

# I wonder why do we

treat animals like animals?

# Animals treat us so very well

# The devoted way they serve us

and protect us when we're nervous

# Oh, they really don't deserve us,

all we give them is hell

# Tell me how else man repays them,

do we ever think to praise them?

# No, we don't,

and this dismays them, you can tell

# We are riddled with ingratitude,

we give no love or latitude

# In every way, our attitude is, well...

# Like animals

No, no, that's not what I mean.

# I mean, why do we

treat animals like animals?

# How can people be so inhumane?

# Cows and chickens work to feed us,

dogs and horses show they need us

# And though cats don't always heed us,

their affection is plain

# What do we do? We neglect them,

we do nothing to protect them

# We reject them,

don't expect them to complain

# We ignore them or we beat them,

when we're hungry, then we eat them

# It's appalling how we treat them, it's insane

# Like animals

# We humiliate and murder and confine them

# We create their wretched status

# Then we use it to malign them

# I mean, why should we say,

"Treat him like a dog"?

# Why should we say, "Working like a horse"?

# Why should we say, "Eating like a hog"

when what we mean is eating like a man?

# Don't we? Of course

# A man of ill repute

is called a weasel or a rat

# A woman you dislike

becomes a vixen or a cat

# A family that is blessed

with healthy reproductive habits

# Occasions the remark, "Well,

you know them, they breed like rabbits"

# "He's as stubborn as a mule,

he's as stupid as an ox"

# "He's as slimy as a snake,

he's as crafty as a fox"

# Remarks like that really get my goat

# Why don't we say, "Noble as a frog"?

# Or why can't we say, "Wealthy as a hen"?

# True, we say "devoted as a dog",

what we should say is, "chic as a giraffe"

# Pretty as a pig, eh?

That'll be the big day, won't it?

# But when? But when?

# But when?

# When will we stop

treating them like animals?

# Is the human race entirely mad?

# Women see a baby goatskin

or a lambskin or a stoatskin

# And to them it's just a coatskin,

it's terribly sad

# When you dress in suede or leather

or some fancy fur or feather

# Do you stop and wonder whether, for a fact

# You have killed some beast or other

# That you're wearing someone's brother

# Or perhaps it's someone's mother

in which you're clad

# Like animals, like animals

# Like animals

# Well, it's true, we do not live in a zoo

# But man is an animal too

# So why can't you, like me

# Like animals?

# Animals

Now, the prison faces the road here.

So what we do is we tie the ropes

from the bars of the cell to the elephant,

and he pulls the whole wall off.

How can you go on the voyage

if he's still in prison?

We can't. That's why Matthew's

got this plan to get him out.

This second elephant

is bigger than the first,

and all the doctor has to do is step through

the hole in the wall onto his back.

- You'll never get away with it.

- Here's the clever part.

He slides down the elephant's trunk

onto a waiting rhinoceros and away they go.

- Just the three of you are going on this boat?

- Chee-Chee, Polynesia and Jip are coming.

- These six tigers stop anyone following.

- To look for a pink sea snail?

Theyâ€™ll be on the other side of the road

whiIe I set off the dynamite.

- Dynamite?!

- Oh, sure.

If we blow up the road, they'll have to go all

the way round the town to get to the harbour,

which gives me time to nip back and blow up

the bridge while you're getting on the boat.

That's the beauty of this whole plan -

its simplicity.

- Are they going to keep the doctor in prison?

- Oh, no, no.

They're moving him across

to the loony bin at 12 o'clock.

- (Polynesia) Today?

- Aye.

I've got an idea. You get the boat ready.

Leave the doctor to me.

We sail at 12 o'clock. Avast now.

Aye, aye, sir.

We're a fine bunch

taking orders from a parrot.

Matthew, how did you enjoy the food

I brought you in the prison the other night?

Ah, it was the best meal I ever had in my life.

They say prison food is terrible.

I won't hear a word against it.

I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice if you were

to have those kind of meals on your voyage?

Oh, sure now, it'd be marvelous.

The only way we could do that

is if you was to...

If we was to...

Ah.

I'll tell you one thing, Fred.

I only hope

there's no stowaways on that boat,

because if there was,

I wouldn't know where to look for them.

And anyway, once we're out at sea with

an escaped convict, there's no turning back.

Oh, Matthew. I love you.

# Who would have thought that one little kiss,

soft and sweet, from the lips of a lovely girl

# Would change my life?

# But by my life

# It will

# After today, nothing will be the same again

# After today,

I'll make my claim to fame, and then

# The grass will be greener

# And the air will be cleaner

# And my life be serener

than heaven knows when

# Heaven knows when

# After today,

I shall have bid my fears goodbye

# After today, I shall have no more tears to cry

# Iâ€™ll learn to live with laughter

# To stay after today

# After today, nothing will be the way it was

# After today, I'll say, "Oh, what a day it was"

# My heart will be lighter

# And my smile will be brighter

# And I'll be twice the fighter than ever I was

# Clever because

# After today,

I shall have bid my fears farewell

# After today,

I shall have no more tears to quell

# Iâ€™ll learn to live with laughter to stay

# After the tears comes the laughter

# After today

(Polynesia squawks)

(Polynesia screeches) Chee-Chee.

(Polynesia whinnies)

(whinnies) Don't follow the doctor!

Don't obey! Don't obey!

(giggles)

(man) Come on this way!

- (man #2) Get up! Get up!

- After them!

- (Polynesia barks)

- (man) Go after 'em!

This way! Come on! After 'em. This way!

- No! This way!

- (Polynesia squawks)

Stop them! Stop them! Stop them!

It's all right, Doctor. You can come out now.

There's not a policeman in sight.

Oh, thank you, Matthew. It's a very good little

reading room, this. I must use it more often.

Now, let's see where we are.

(Dolittle barks)

I see. He says there's a faint smell

of garlic coming from the southeast.

Oh. What does that mean?

It means we're about ten miles

off the coast of France.

You know, I've got about the best

navigational system on the high seas today.

Jip's got this incredible sense of smell.

Polynesia gets weather reports off the birds.

- Everything all right at the house?

- Yes, Doctor.

Good. Keep an eye on everything

and don't bump into anything.

- A very well-organised escape. Thank you.

- Don't mention it.

I doubt if there's a ship afloat with flowers

like these. Look at these geraniums.

- Have you seen my azaleas?

- No, sir. I can't say I have.

Oh, they're doing wonderfully.

Matthew, how are you enjoying life

on the rolling deep?

If the good Lord had meant us to take

to water, sir, he'd have given us flippers.

No, no, no, Stubbins.

Move your mouth about more.

You must re-read my essay

on basic Chimpanzee. Page one.

I must cut these roses back.

There's so much to do on a ship.

What a marvelous smell, Matthew.

What have you been cooking? I'm starving.

(Emma) Will this do?

Do come on while it's still hot.

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought someone capable

ought to look after Tommy on the voyage.

Stubbins is capable of looking after himself.

I must turn this ship round

and go straight back to Puddleby.

Uh... Well, immediately after lunch.

Theyâ€™ll... they'll put you inside

if you go back, Doctor.

Oh, yes, that is a point.

What are we going to do

with her if she stays?

You make me sound like a stray cat.

A cat would be most welcome.

- Don't worry, it's vegetarian.

- It's delicious.

It's marvelous.

- What is it?

- Algue marine en croute.

- Oh, yes.

- What's that in English?

Seaweed pie.

It's really rather good.

- Well, where are we going?

- To hunt for the great pink sea snail.

And where do you expect to find it?

I haven't the faintest idea.

One place is as good as another,

so it's time to decide.

- Otherwise we won't know we've arrived.

- Good thinking, Doctor.

- Thank you, Matthew.

- Are your voyages always as well pIanned?

Whenever possible. Unfortunately, one

doesn't always have time to go into details.

- Such as knowing where you're going?

- Yes.

But then how do you decide?

I play a little game I invented.

One of us opens the atlas at random,

sticks a pin in the open page,

- and wherever it lands, that's where we go.

- You can't be serious.

I'm very serious.

That is the most ridiculous thing

I've ever heard of.

You could end up

in all sorts of terrible places.

That's absolutely true. I remember going

to the Sahara desert four times in succession

before I realised Chee-Chee had

stuck down pages of the atlas with jam.

Marvelous trips. Lots of sand.

But that is exactly what I mean.

It's all right now - I've cleaned all the jam off.

Little bit there.

# How you can sit there and say

what you're saying, I just don't know

# I must admit, the Sahara is one place

I'm praying we just won't go

You know, that is

absolutely typical of a woman.

# There are so many

fabulous faraway places to see

Makes one seaweed pie and goes mad.

# Such as Mexico, Sweden,

Hawaii, Japan and Capri

Who does she think she is?

# There's so many exciting

and wonderful places

# Much more inviting than desert oases

# Pleasant as home is, it isn't what Rome is

# So why stay there?

# When there are so many

fabulous faraway places to see

Seaweed pie was marvelous.

# Why should Spain and Tahiti and Rio

- # Just be only names to you and me?

- Is there any more?

# I feel certain there are people

we'd be glad to know there

# So tell me why don't we get up

and go there?

# Go to those fabulous places

where we long to be

# Go to Bangkok and Hong Kong

and Paris and venice

# Tokyo and Cairo and Lisbon and London

# Wonderful, fabulous places

# We're longing to see

# When I think of the warm Caribbean,

I see a new world for you and me

# I'd give anything

just to have one single day there

# And once we get there

I know that we'll stay there

# Stay in those fabulous places

where we long to be

- # Such as Siam

- # Sienna

- # Vienna

- # Verona

- # Java, Jamaica

- # Bombay, Barcelona

# Show me those fabulous places

I'm longing to see

My dear Miss Fairfax,

you seem to have entirely missed the point.

# I'm aware there are fabulous places

wherever we sail

- Will we see them?

- We will.

# But the point of the journey is science

and finding the snail

# An incomparable thrill

# We shall question the sharks

off the coast of Tobago

# Interview swamp life in Tierra del Fuego

- # Well, that sounds horrendous

- # No, it's tremendous and well worthwhile

# Weâ€™ll make detailed enquiries

of every crustacean we meet.

- # Crustacean?

- # Shellfish, they're sweet.

# We will sail to the ends of the earth

till our search for the snail is quite complete

# Weâ€™ll interrogate beetles

and bugs in Nigeria

# And if we have to, spend weeks in Siberia

# 80 below,

but a place that we all ought to see

I haven't brought the right clothes for Siberia.

# Those are the fabulous places

you'll visit with me

- Sounds as if we're in for a good time.

- # Siberia is one place you'll never see me go

# Stick in the pin,

where the pin goes then we go

- # Ireland

- # Romania

# No! Ruritania!

# Weâ€™ll chase that sea snail

from here to Tasmania

# Show me those fabulous places

# I'm longing to see

It doesn't count. You landed in the sea.

No, she hasn't. Look, there.

That doesn't look very interesting.

What is it?

"Sea Star lsland, last reported position."

Last reported position?

What does that mean?

The Sea Star lsland. Sounds vaguely familiar.

S, S, S.

"Sea shore, sea slug, sea snail..."

"Sea Star lsland."

Oh, it's that floating island, moves all over

the world like a ship. It's a freak of nature.

"At this time of year,

sometimes sighted off the coast of Africa."

How terribly exciting.

I think you've chosen rather well.

I don't think it's exciting at all.

Couldn't we go to Monte Carlo?

Miss Fairfax, this is a serious

zoogeographical expedition,

not a pleasure cruise

for your personal benefit.

I promise to ask for no special privileges.

I promise to grant none.

A ship is no place for a woman.

Well, the simple answer, then,

is to treat me like a man.

I intend to.

Well, goodbye.

(bell rings)

12.

How's the score, Stubbins?

And the arithmetic?

You're winning, sir, I think.

Oh, well, that's the first sure sign

we've been at sea too long.

Polynesia spoke to some swallows.

They said there's a terrific storm up ahead.

- Isn't that marvelous?

- No, it isn't. Can't we drive round it?

I shouldn't think so. The latest long-range

fish forecast wasn't too encouraging.

- Jip said he smelled thunder.

- I didn't know thunder had a smell.

It does if you're a dog. 82.

Mind you, Jip does tend to exaggerate.

Well, if you ask me, being at sea

is very much the same as being in prison.

Except at sea,

you stand a better chance of drowning.

That reminds me.

One of the ship's rats came to see me.

Said he had a tingle in his tail -

a sure sign the ship was going down.

So his lot are preparing to leave.

And he highly recommended

that we should do the same.

- But there's nowhere we can go.

- That's what I told the rat.

Two.

(thunder)

- What was that?

- A bit of lightning, that's all.

When you've finished clearing up,

batten down the hatches and stay below.

Women are always scared stiff of storms.

Well, I'm not. I'm a man, remember?

(thunder)

I dread to think what this

is going to do to my azaleas.

"August 10th, signs of...

..inclement weather."

"Crew's morale remains high."

Steady as she goes.

(Jip whimpers)

(Dolittle chitters)

(dolphin chitters)

Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.

- Any sign of her, Polynesia?

- Not yet.

Ah, good morning, Stubbins. Beautiful day.

Yes, sir. Good morning.

What happened to the ship?

Good question, Stubbins. If we find enough

bits weâ€™ll put them together and find out.

Come on, Matthew. Rise and shine.

I told you Flounder

was a terrible name for a boat.

Oh, nonsense.

A flounder is a most reliable little fish.

It's survived the sea for thousands of years.

- Aye, below the surface.

- Anyway, we're all safe, that's the main thing.

At least we will be

as soon as we find Miss Fairfax.

Poor Fred.

I said all along a ship

was no place for a woman.

I did my best to make the voyage

pleasant for her.

You can't spend your life

running after a woman, waiting on her,

when there's important work to be done.

I think, under the circumstances,

I treated her very well.

Probably too well.

Spoilt her, in fact.

And I tied her very securely to that raft.

I hope she's all right, that's all.

Anyway, weâ€™ll make a full-scale search

as soon as we get ashore.

- Ashore?

- Sea Star lsland. That's where we're going.

Apart from the fact that we're shipwrecked,

have no means of getting there,

and that we don't know

where it is anyway, yes.

You mustn't worry about things like that.

By my calculations, we were sort of

coming down in this direction, like this.

And the floating island was

sort of coming down in that direction.

And then we sort of somehow or other, more

or less meet somewhere round about here.

- Is that a fact?

- Ah, there it is now.

Well, shall we go ashore?

- (Dolittle chitters)

- (dolphin chitters)

Giddy up!

I must remember to get myself one of those.

- Any sign of Fred?

- Not yet.

I only hope she caught the island.

It'll not be passing here again for months.

You and Stubbins search the beaches,

I'll go inland. Meet here in two or three hours.

Tommy.

Polynesia, I want every living creature

on this island looking for that girl.

Every bird that can fly

I want airborne till she's found.

She can't be at sea,

we'd have heard from the fish by now.

- Are you sure sheâ€™ll be all right, Polynesia?

- Yes. She's standing right behind you.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

I'm afraid we had a bit of a storm last night.

Thank you for telling me.

Pity you got lost. You could have

given us a hand with these.

I'm sorry. I was fully occupied

getting myself ashore.

Well, never mind. We managed.

Some of these books are very heavy, though.

Saved all your books, I see.

Yes, most fortunate.

You lost all my dresses.

Yes. Most unfortunate. I saw your trunk

floating amongst the wreckage.

That outfit that you're in now is the nicest

thing I've seen you in since you left England.

This is my underwear.

Oh. Anyway, it suits you.

I'm terribly glad to see you.

Are you?

We've got a tremendous lot to do.

We've got to unload the raft,

find food and build whatever it is

one has to build.

What are you trying to say?

- I mean, why don't you say what you mean?

- What do you mean say what I mean?

# For a month or more

I have listened and dreamed

# While the moon has glistened

and a million stars have gleamed

- # Waiting

- Waiting?

- # Waiting

- What for?

# What for? For a man I know

who is clever and kind

# But a man who never ever

seems to know his mind

# Waiting

# Waiting for you

to say you like me, or hate me

# Or miss me, or kiss me

# Or something, but nothing,

nothing do you say at all

# Little wonder I feel sorry

# Neglected, unwanted, rejected

# And small

# Little more than two feet tall

# Lucky to be here at all

Emma...

# I think I like you

# Yes, I think I do

# I think I like you

# I'm almost sure that I do

# I think I like the way you look

# The way your eyes reveal your mind

# Like a precious book that is hard to find

# I think I'm learning

something strange in you

# It's well worth learning

# Because I'm learning about you

# Like dawning sunshine

# When a new day is due

# I think I like you

# And I think you like me too

Do you?

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Good heavens, I do believe

that's a great crested oriental moonbird.

It's terribly rare. I'm so glad we came.

The great crested oriental moonbird.

What a bit of luck.

There. That's better.

Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

- The locals aren't a very friendly lot.

- I bet you anything they're going to kill us.

Whoever said children had beautiful minds

had obviously never met you.

Prison's much the same as being on a boat,

but in prison there's less chance of drowning.

Less chance of you getting back to Puddleby.

I must talk to whoever runs this place.

I promised to get Stubbins home

to go to school.

Oh, well, now. I'm sure if you tell 'em that,

we'll be out of here in no time.

Matthew, give me a leg up.

I want to see what's going on out there.

Good heavens.

All right, Matthew, down.

- Why is it so cold?

- It's like back in England.

It's a bit of frost.

It's clear what happened.

The storm must have blown the island off its

usual course and we're drifting too far north.

If we don't do something,

the vegetation will die of frostbite.

Aye, to say nothing of our dear selves.

This is obviously the gentIeman to talk to.

Good morning.

Me Dr Dolittle.

Search for great pink sea snail.

Small boy late for school. Here very cold.

They all go home Puddleby. Yes?

- What a funny accent.

- Oh, I beg your pardon.

Actually, that's what I came to see you about.

My name is William Shakespeare the Tenth.

You may call me Willy. Come with me.

Thank you.

We've had lots of shipwrecks. Being a floating

island does tend to make it a bit of a danger.

We've bumped into lots of things.

But on the credit side,

it's enabled us to build a museum.

And public library. Books and art treasures

from all over the place.

Everybody on the island

speaks nine or ten languages.

We even name our children

after our favourite authors.

That's why my name is William Shakespeare.

Oh, do forgive this paraphernalia.

We're rehearsing now The Merchant of Venice

for our Shakespeare drama festival.

Do sit down. Milk or lemon?

Milk, please.

Must be a near perfect civilisation.

- Oh, then what are we doing in prison?

- Purely precautional. A sort of quarantine.

Most of the white men who have come here

usually started killing people

before they'd been introduced. Extraordinary.

Help yourself to sugar.

But they never stay long.

They can't stand the peace and quiet.

I love peace and quiet,

but we won't be abIe to stay long either.

We've got to continue our hunt

for the great pink sea snail.

You haven't heard of it being in the vicinity?

At the moment, we have a bigger problem

than looking for snails.

You see, according to popular superstition,

newcomers to the island

are responsible for all our misfortunes,

so the elders of the village

are blaming you for this frost.

I don't know what we can do.

Perhaps there's something I can think of.

I do hope so, for your sake.

You see, it's written here in the law book:

"He who brings sunshine

to the coldness of our days

shall bask in the splendour

of a thousand summers."

Oh, well, that's very nice.

Yes, but it goes on.

"He who brings winter into the summer of our

lives shall die the death of 1,000 screams."

- Oh.

- I prefer the first one.

Yes, so did I.

The elders are also blaming you

for what's happened to the animals.

- What has happened to the animals?

- They've all caught colds.

They're coughing and sneezing

all over the place.

I must do something about this immediately.

Come along, Polynesia. We've got work to do.

(camel sneezes)

Bless you.

Gesundheit.

(Polynesia) Bless you.

Here you are.

Another baby lion for you to take care of.

Yes, sir.

Oh, that inhaler

seems to be working very well.

- (elephant sneezes)

- (Polynesia) Bless you.

I was hoping this mustard bath would work.

She's still very hot.

- How soon will my cough mixture be ready?

- Five minutes. Smell.

- I'd give it to the baby elephant first.

- Why?

She's got a cold. I want to control it

before she gives it to the rest of the family.

When elephants start sneezing,

it's like a hurricane.

May drive the island even further off course.

- Thank you very much.

- (elephant trumpets)

Gesundheit.

If we was to point them in the right direction,

perhaps they could blow us back on course.

A good theory,

but terribly difficult to organise.

if elephants could swim, one good shove and

we'd be back in a southerly current before...

(elephant wheezes)

Why didn't I think of that before?

They can swim.

- What? Elephants?

- No, no, no, Matthew.

Tommy, what's as big as an elephant

that can swim?

- A whale, sir.

- Exactly.

Emma, get on with the cough mixture.

Now, how do you get in touch with a whale?

I'll talk to him immediately. Splendid.

Good morning.

Marvelous, if the giraffe doesn't mind.

This is extremely kind of you.

I do appreciate it.

Bless you.

You'll explain? Good.

Here he comes.

Yes. I must say it was very decent

of that turtle to put us in touch with him.

My word, he's a big fellow.

Now if he gave a shove below us,

then he just might do the trick.

Good morning.

(whale bellows)

One shove here.

(whale bellows)

We really must learn

to speak a few words of Whale.

Apparently they're very nice,

but nobody ever talks to them.

(rumbling)

Look!

- Why is it doing that?

- The islandâ€™s bound to roll after that shove.

It's set that balancing rock in motion.

- It'll soon calm down.

- That would be highly desirable.

You see, it says here in the law book...

"He who causes the great rock

to fall into the hot mountain

shall die the death of 10,000 screams."

How many screams did you say?

10,000.

I shouldn't have thought

it was worth more than five.

- I can't tell you how upset I am about this.

- You're upset?

- We realise it isn't your fault.

- I've been through the book, cover to cover.

There's nothing I can do. This is the tradition.

Oh, well, we'd hate to wreck a tradition.

I once heard a story about a tribe that burnt

people alive then ate them for dinner.

I bet that's what they're going to do to us.

Will you please put a curb

on your lurid imagination?

I'm sorry about this, Emma.

It hasn't been very relaxing

the last few days, has it?

I think we've bumped into something.

Stop!

Release them!

Holy Pat! What did we do now?

We've collided with the mainland

and the two pieces fit perfectly.

- How extraordinary.

- Not really.

The oldest island legend always maintained

that we're a bit of Africa

that had been missing for 5,000 years.

- Is there a reward for finding it?

- Oh, indeed yes.

"He who brings back the lost island from

the sea shall live as a god for 1,000 moons."

Thank you. Thank you.

That's very pleasant, but excuse me,

I must get back to the hospital

in case the elephant sneezes

and blows all the other patients away.

What will you do

when the animals are all well again?

I've one ambition. I came to the island to find

the great pink sea snail and I intend to find it.

The great pink sea snail

is more than mythical.

I always thought that too, Willy.

You can see the animals as they come out.

- Guard the gate, Matthew.

- Come on, come on.

- I want to see the animals.

- All right, all right, all right.

I'll tell you.

Behind these gates

is the most wonderful place in all the world.

# This is the world of Dr Dolittle

# The wonderful world of Dr Doolittle

# Where crocodiles talk and elephants sing

# And animals do most any old thing

# Where polar bears wear top hats

# And leopards with spots wear spats

# Well, that's life in the world of Dr Dolittle

# Doves start to coo when they see Dolittle

# He has a profound philosophy

# If animals can be friends, says he

# Well, then, why can't we?

(Dolittle) Matthew, open the gate.

Come on, baby.

See they're all right, Matthew.

# Say "how do you do"

to the world of Dr Dolittle

# Life is a zoo to Dr Dolittle

# Where antelopes lope

# And ostriches fan

# And kangaroos do what kangaroos can

# To make the hyenas laugh

# As long as a long giraffe

# Every calf starts to moo

when they see Dolittle

# Even the few who used to moo little

# For all of the birds and beasts agree

# He has a profound philosophy

# And so why can't we?

# All of the birds and beasts agree

# He has a profound philosophy

# And so why can't we

# Do little things to help them?

# Why can't we?

Thank goodness they only had head colds.

Think how terrible it would have been

if they had sore throats.

Our last two patients. Well done, Emma.

- Well, not a sniffle left on the island.

- (loud, deep sneeze)

What an interesting noise.

It can't be.

- You mean the great pink sea...

- (loud, deep sneeze)

Precisely. By the sound of it,

he seems to have caught a chill too.

- I'm sorry.

- I've never seen anything like it.

- Yes, I see. Well, just a minute. Amazing!

- What is?

We've searched for weeks for him

and he's been with us all the time.

Lives in an underwater cave, yet moves about

with the island. He's got a shocking cold.

I told him I was a doctor and if he comes up

on the beach, I'd mix him my special tonic.

It'll need to be rather large, won't it?

- What's that?

- (purring)

- What is it?

- He's purring.

He's thrilled with his medicine. Says he feels

more relaxed, almost like a new snail.

- Asked if there was anything he could do.

- Oh. Is there?

Yes, he can take you all

safely back to Puddleby.

Oh.

Well, that's a bit of an imposition.

Puddleby's a long way away

and all you did was give him medicine.

He's 2,000 years old and lonely.

It'll be company for him.

He told me he'd been planning to visit

his cousin in Scotland for 300 years.

- It'll be a great opportunity.

- Cousin in Scotland?

You've heard of the Loch Ness Monster?

That's the cousin.

- Good heavens.

- Travel under the sea?

But it's bad enough on top.

We'd all drown, Doctor.

- The shell's completely watertight.

- It'd be like travelling in a big bubble.

Yes, he says he can get you back to Puddleby

by two weeks from Tuesday.

Must be the only snail in the world

with four bedrooms.

Polynesia, don't forget to remind the snail

to surface twice a day.

This cough mixture will fix up his cold.

- Stretch your legs and get some sea air.

- Yes, Doctor.

Oh, good. I'd hate to miss my turn on deck.

Chee-Chee, don't eat all the bananas.

Leave some for the others.

Goodbye, Stubbins.

Come up to the house whenever you like.

Yes, sir. And Doctor, come home soon, sir.

Well...

I'll send your other high hat

back from Puddleby.

The snail can bring it back with her.

Yours is looking a little grubby now.

You'll probably find it

a bit difficult to get one here.

Yes. Probably.

Well, thank you, Matthew.

- Well, goodbye.

- (Polynesia sobs)

Uh, give my love to everyone at home.

Gub-Gub and Dab-Dab and everyone.

Goodbye, John Dolittle.

Take care.

Well, Tom. I still wish he was coming with us.

I've never driven one of these things before.

Are you sure you won't come with us?

I can't, Emma. Your uncle will put me away

the moment I set foot in Puddleby.

- But you have to come back one day.

- I hope so. A lot of animals depend on me.

One or two people too.

Puddleby's going to seem very dull

after all this excitement.

I mean, what are you going to do here?

I think I'll start planning my next voyage.

Where are you going this time? The moon?

- very probably, yes.

- You're not serious?!

- Oh, yes.

- How?

On the giant lunar moth.

Magnificent creature.

Flies between the earth and the moon.

When it reaches one, it flies back again.

Willy tells me there's one on the island.

My idea is to build some saddle arrangement.

Very secure so I don't fall off halfway.

Can I come?

Can I come with you?

Emma...

I'm afraid I'm not very good with people.

I... I'm all right with animals, but people...

I'm not very good with.

I never have been. I don't know why.

I'll write to you. I'll organise

an air postal service with the seagulls.

I'll miss you, John Dolittle.

(Polynesia sobs)

(Emma sobs)

Well, I'll tell you one thing, Tom.

If we ever drown in this thing,

it'll be in a flood of tears.

Sophie! What are you doing here?

No. Ah. How do you do, sir?

Really?

Good Lord. Sophie, that's marvelous news.

Thank you very much indeed.

Goodbye, Sophie. Thank you. Thank you.

Good night, sweet prince.

And flights of angels send thee to thy rest.

Willy! Willy! Wonderful news.

Sophie the seal and her husband told me

that all the animals in England are on strike.

- They refuse to work until I'm reprieved.

- You can go home?

Yes. The local magistrate's

begging me to go back.

The country's paralysed without the animals.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you very much.

I think that tree's about the right size.

Let me see. It's a 60 foot overall wingspan.

- But you've missed the snail.

- I've got a better idea, I'm going to fly home.

Can you imagine their faces when

they see me waiting for them in Puddleby?

- Fly home?

- Yes, on the giant lunar moth.

Help me make a model

so I can gauge where to put the saddles.

I've got to allow for a very steep rate of climb.

Now, you see, you'll be the wings. All of you.

That's it. Sit down inside those lines

I've just drawn. Everybody.

That's the idea.

Good. Yes, everything's

going to work splendidly.

Now, as soon as I've built this saddle,

I'll go and have a chat with the lunar moth.

I only hope he understands

common House Moth, that's all I speak.

As soon as the moon comes up,

we'll be off to Puddleby.

Wonderful night for flying. By my

calculations, I should be home for breakfast.

# My friend the doctor

says the stars are made of lemon drops

# The bigger ones are lollipops and ice

# The clouds have shops up on the tops

that sell you sweets and soda pops

# What do they call the place?

Isn't it paradise?

# Maybe what the doctor tells me

# Isn't altogether true

# But I love everything he tells me

# I don't know any better ones, do you?

# My friend the doctor

says the world is full of fantasy

# Who are you and I to disagree?

# Let's hope and pray that is the way

the life we love will always stay

# For my friend the doctor and me

Doctor Dolittle (1967) - full transcript